Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Ari Shaffir | We're Back!
Episode Date: June 7, 2021This week the unpredictable Ari Shaffir christens the studio reopening with Bobby Kelly as we get into home invasion strategies, South American candy, fat guy fashion and finding silver linings from t...he pandemic! SUBSCRIBE TO YKWD https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly https://thelaughbutton.podlink.to/YKWD http://www.ykwdpodcast.com FOLLOW YKWD http://www.twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://www.instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast http://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast FOLLOW ROBERT KELLY http://www.twitter.com/robertkelly http://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive http://www.facebook.com/robertkellylive New episodes arrive every Sunday via The Laugh Button For advertising opportunities email: advertise@thelaughbutton.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Transcript
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Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día.
¿Dónde nadie pregunta, ¿dónde viene?
¿Sino por qué no te viene?
Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa en preno, conocernos, y no creer olvida.
Hoy es un día de eso, que Madrid nos vía.
Hoy es un día de eso, que Madrid nos encuentra.
Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos.
Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la Dición Especial de Madrid nos liga.
Un humenaje de mao, a Madrid. en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. Sabemos lo importante que es sentirse acompañado.
Por eso en Caisha Bank ahora cuentas con un préstamo
para hacer realidad tus ilusiones.
Solicitalo desde el móvil,
otra vez de tu gestor.
Informate en CaishaBank.es.
Caisha Bank, tu y yo, nosotros.
Siempre que se mantenga las circunstancias económico
financieras del solicitante en el momento de la solicitud. Ladies and gentlemen. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, What dude? The podcast! The podcast right now! We're back, you know what's in live?
Welcome everybody to the show.
YKDL, YKDL, YKDL.
I started social media to...
Wow.
One, two,
YKDL.
Do you want the drums?
YKDL, YKDL.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again.
I'm going to be these back again. I'm going to be these back again. I'm going to be these back again. I'm going to be these back again. I'm going to be these back again. I Guess is so fun and crazy
Wow
So things amazing
That gets me
I Bring you the new studio. I am God. I haven't been here in a year. Over a year. Wow. Have we, we, we, we're in the new studio. It's amazing. Okay. We started here over 10 years ago. No way, really? I asked
no, my go, no, my gotta find a spot. He goes, well, I have this is where no
mues to live. This was no, his apartment. It went from here all the way back. What
do you mean all the way back? That was, there was that went, that goes all the way back.
That's another apartment now. Rose and, and, and, and, and, Rosepot? No. What's another apartment?
Tony and Rose live there.
Tony Woods?
No, not Tony Woods.
Tony, the guy who works here, he's, he's known, he's like the, the-
Sorry, I have some questions about Tony Woods.
I guess about Baker.
Okay, not Tony, he is the top and second of all.
So this was his apartment and he gave me this little corner right here.
So from this, right here, I put a curtain up.
I had a couch, I had a butcher block table
that Tony made for me, and I got eight microphones
from B&H, and I clamped them on with light clamps.
I got a zoom recorder, I plugged everything in,
I put blankets up all around, put cameras
up and we did YKWD in that little corner.
And every day we had to take all the blankets down and put everything back the way it was.
So it was a living room.
Wow.
And now we're at the laugh button studios.
laugh button comedy selling.
What happened at studio?
Tony and Amanda.
Tony, it's Tony and Rose.
They live there. They work here, okay?
As such, it's a separate entrance.
It's a separate entrance.
Wow.
Over there, they put a wall out.
Are they mooching too?
No, they pay rent, they live here, they work here.
Ovalives upstairs, this whole thing is a community
of people who work at the comedy cell.
Oh my God.
No, it's not a synagogue.
It's a concentration camp.
No, it's not a concentration camp.
It's a comedy studio
I haven't been here. We've Jews though that are concentrated into this place. Yeah, so technically it's a concentration
Yeah, I mean you can say that but I wouldn't say camp. I'd say house or
Building concentration building
But we haven't been here in a year and a half wow I have not done alive
I have not done a live YKW. This is going on live.
It's live right now.
Wow.
Right now.
I'm so glad I made you do it.
You did make me do it.
You were, I'm telling you right now,
I was so comfortable in my shed.
Because all I was able to do was,
honey, I'll be back in an hour and a half.
Go out to the shed.
You're going out there anyway.
Light a cigar, get a little bubbly.
Yeah, and go on Zoom.
Go on, on stream yard, right?
Zoom, whatever the fuck it was.
Yeah.
And that was it.
I mean, mush did everything from his house.
Oh, he hates it.
No, he loves it.
I mean, how do you,
mush, he loved that.
He does it like this.
Mush, do you love it?
I love this because I see people again.
But I wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't have done it.
You're absolutely right. I would have have done it. You're absolutely right.
I would have kept pushing it off, pushing it off.
And you're the one who said, I will not do it.
You told me, I will not do it.
Until June 1st.
Until June 1st when we were both vaccinated fully.
I'm fully, I got mine.
Fully vaccinated.
And we are here.
Why the fuck go all the way up to goddamn Massachusetts
where the fuck your thing is? It's in Westchester and you don't have to go up there. Right, because we're here. Why the fuck go all the way up to goddamn Massachusetts over the fuck your thing is it's in West
Chester and you don't have to go up there right because we got this right?
Well, well, it's world famous comedy seller above it.
Not next to it above it.
Yes, it's a concentration and we're here and I can't believe I'm here.
I can't believe we spent so much time on this studio and then Corona shot it down.
Oh, shut it down.
It's probably the worst situation for Corona.
What's that?
That Zalang that opening the studio.
But can I say something?
Yeah.
Can I say something?
You know what?
Moosh, is everything okay before I start wasting
all this good shit?
All the gold.
I'm just, we're alive.
Okay.
We have a chat. We have a chat with that.
Right here.
This reminds me of something my friend was gonna interview
with Jeff Chetty, work for.
Jeff Chetty, oh, I don't know Jeff Chetty.
Brillston Gregg, it was a major.
I had a meeting set up with Brillston Gregg.
Well, it's young commas.
One of the first ones of us to get a meeting,
it was like, how the meeting goes, 2001.
And it goes, it was like September 13, 2001.
I was like, what happened to the meeting?
Did you get signed with Wilson Gray?
He goes, all right, I fucking did lay it.
Cause of 9-11.
And right then, I was like, hey, dude,
you want to keep those complaints to yourself.
You know, the fact that you have a management meeting
rescheduled.
Yeah, but can I say something?
9-11, yes.
Coronavirus, no.
Why?
Because coronavirus was, it wasn't a terrorist attack.
I mean, it's...
Let's be a yes.
That's true.
It depends on who podcast your on.
People were like, only cooks say that.
And then the occasional super scientist.
They're like, ah, they're not all fucking no.
Yeah, I'm just happy to lick homeless people again. You like homeless people again lick them
Fucking hey, I mean, it's been a hell of a year the world fell apart in a year and a half
But we're back why stay in the negative why stay in the past we're here in the future. We're here in the future
What are your plans Bob my plans? I'll get the fuck out of this city as soon as we're done and go back up to Westchester. You're safe. Light of fire and be safe.
Dr. Shotgun and just sit there stroking it.
Oh, dude, I'm so happy. I got a shotgun. I'm a gun owner now.
Do you have a sawdoth?
Dude, I have a, I have a, no, it's illegal.
I get a good spray.
A sawdoth is illegal in New York, but I got a, it's called a, a, a, a moss, a mossburg.
Um, um, and it's, what's it called? Because of the handle, it has a, um, a mossberg. And it's what's it called?
Because of the handle, it has a bird's head handle.
Yeah.
It's a collector's item.
It may know.
It makes it legal because it's a...
It's called a shockwave.
To listen, shockwave.
Those shockwave.
Shockwave.
Those things, look, you get an intruder.
Shockwave is great for that.
Yeah. It'll take care of it. Sure. You got two intruders. Yeah. Sure, those things. Look, you get an intruder, shotgun's great for that. Yeah.
It'll take care of it.
Sure.
You got two intruders?
Yeah.
Sure, Parallel, we get a good spray.
Yeah, shotgun, yeah, that's what mine is.
It's a shockwave.
Yeah.
Or the lineup together and rushing you,
like in a line, that's the ultimate.
Here's my thing is I know what I'm gonna do.
As soon as they come in, I get the gun.
Yeah.
Right? Now my kid's down the hall.
You're getting their gun?
I get my gun.
Oh, okay, okay, okay. I was just like, okay. I get their gun after. I have questions now, I don't, yeah. So now I go get the gun. Right now my kids down the hall. You're getting their gun. I get my gun. I don't get their gun after I
Question. No, I don't yeah, so now I go get my gun. It's in my I made my own gun cabinet, right?
Not to keep away from people to keep away from my son, okay? So people like dude
Do you can still get in that I know they can I get a safe? I know it's so my my son doesn't blow his fucking foot off
Yeah, okay, it was a full of your snuff films anyway. Yes, but no, I don't have a lot of time.
I stay for your guns.
So here's the deal.
I go and get the gun, right?
What do I do?
I tell my wife, stay here.
Stay in the bedroom.
I go down on the floor.
I don't go to my son's room.
I just lie on the floor in between my son's room
and the hallway.
So as they come in, they're looking up.
They're looking up. they're looking up,
I'm down.
I'm down.
I should be a common shooting range.
Yeah, okay.
What's going on?
Sorry.
Mochemike mess up.
Number one in the news.
Yeah.
Mochem.
We got the first motion to live studio.
For no reason, just dropping 30 seconds in for no reason.
I don't even know why that could have been a mess up.
So yes, I lie down and as they come, I pull a fucking John Wick.
They're looking up.
They're looking down the hallway.
Where is this fat bastard?
Fat bastard's on the ground, like an elephant seal,
shotgun, take out their legs, right?
The next guy, what's he gonna do?
He's gonna be like, shit. He didn't mean no. He just sees the guy in front of him. Shotgun, take out their legs, right? The next guy, what's he gonna do?
He's gonna be like, shit.
He didn't mean no, he just sees the guy in front of him.
Fall.
That guy falls.
If you wait till he comes around the corner
or as soon as he appears, he just blasts.
I wait till he's going probably coming to Max's room.
Yeah.
I'm gonna wait, I'm gonna give him two steps
because I'm gonna give both legs.
I give him to Max's room.
No, I don't want him to Max's room.
Just he's in the middle hallway.
I don't want to go do quick.
But that goes question.
Yes, question go. I know that how, so you're here. They're coming of the hallway. I don't want to go too quick, but that goes Question. Yes, question go. I know that how so you're here. Yeah, they're kind of the hallway here
The fridge is all over here. You're right. It's coming this way. Yeah, Max is over there
You Max is rum is straight across straddle. Wait. Yes, where your drums are in the in the Havana's Havana's yeah
No, Max's room is at an angle
So the so they had to come in and go like that. They have to go
like from the living room they go diagonal into Max's room or straight across to the office. So if you blast, yeah, Max's room is not behind him. No, bathroom.
Other bathrooms. Bathrooms right there. So I take out his legs, but I got to get him in the middle
of the hallway because if I don't get one leg, I got to get both legs. I honestly, once he gets
even one leg shot, he's incapacitated. He ain't expecting
that. He ain't going to fucking jump up with one leg. Right. He's down for a while.
Now what do I do after that? Max is going to scream. Max is going to go, what the fuck?
Right? It's not normal. So now I run. I slide up, grab that guy's weapon, whatever he
had. Right? Yeah. And then I go into the bathroom. I cut right across the bathroom.
Hopefully that guy step back doesn't see me going to the bathroom. I wait in the bathroom. I cut right across the bathroom. Hopefully that guy stepped back, doesn't see me going to the bathroom.
I wait in the bathroom, right?
Now I see it.
Wait, wait, wait, yep.
Two questions are ready.
Sure.
Okay, the other guy's, okay.
First of all, you jumping up.
How wide is your angle on this?
What do you mean?
I wanna, I wanna act out what I'm doing.
Good, you can act it out.
Go ahead, he can follow you, that moves.
Okay, he'll follow you. Follow him.
Yes, yes, this is what I picture you getting up. Okay. Yeah, move the chair. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yeah, that's a shotgun straight ahead is the bathroom. Okay. Okay. So I'm down. I'm down. You got a mush.
Yeah, I got you. Yeah, I'm getting the spread. I'm getting the down. I'm down. You got a mush. You got him. Yep, I got you.
Yep.
I'm getting the spread.
I'm getting the spread.
Boom, he's down.
Jump up.
Now that other guy steps back with what?
I'm not going to jump up.
Okay, okay.
So I jump up.
You know what? This is why you talk these things out. This is why you've talked these things
out. This is why I'm glad we're going through this right now. You don't want to do it in
crisis. You want to do it out. I stay down. I shimmy to the max's room. Now I switch it up
because you're right. You're right because I'm going to need something. Wow.
This is good.
Thank you because I understand where you're going now.
Because you're I'm thinking like me.
You're thinking like the burglar.
You're thinking about the guy who's coming in to kill us.
He would be like, oh, this fat fucking going to make it up.
I have time.
Yeah, right.
So I now he's going to jolt across by the time I'm getting out.
He's waiting.
He goes down waits for you to make the same mistake.
Oh, no. This is what I do.
Now you said that.
I take that guy's dead body and I drag it.
I use him as a human shield.
So as I'm crawling, I'm using, he's shooting me.
He's like, here's that boom, boom.
It's going into that guy's back, right?
Okay, couple more, couple more grouches.
Yeah, absolutely.
That guy who's shot dead. If he's dead.
If he's black. Yeah. Okay. Whoa. You use his body to get shot. Stop. One second. Yeah.
This is the first day in the studio. Okay. Please. I'm not going where you think I'm going. Okay. Great.
Well, when you say black, everybody gets scared. I know. You're right. But this is the reason I bring it up
because of this here. He's getting rid of the bullets. The optics on that, Bobby. Okay, yes.
Yes, yes.
The optics on that.
You have to use the black one as the human shield.
Well, I know he's dead, but I'm not gonna come across.
The other one, first of all, you're assuming he's black.
No, I'm saying what if?
All right, what if he's black?
I don't use him as a shield.
You know what?
Why are we talking about?
Right again, we don't.
If he's black, right? You know what I do? I go over, I grab him, I go, you all right. You know what? Why are we talking about that? Right again. We don't, if he's black, right?
You know what I do? I go over, I grab him, I go,
you are right.
But I record it. I record it to my phone, I go,
I go, you are right.
Listen, I'm sorry, but you can't do this to people, right?
Can I just quickly title this video?
Yes.
Home invaded a husband.
Yeah. it. Home invaded a husband. Uh, yeah. Wait, home invaded
husband's heartwarming response to
burglars. Right. Perfect. So I grab
them. I go, what I grab my go,
what what did you what happened?
What happened? Why? Why? Well, you're
why would you do this? And he's like,
I needed the money and I hand them
my money. I hand them. I'm gonna hand him money.
I'm gonna go, I'm gonna call an ambulance.
Just stay, stay here.
And I'm sorry, I'm gonna say sorry.
But right then, his friend doesn't know what's happening.
He's not shooting, hit some right in the back.
Hit that guy.
Because as I bring him over to apologize,
I hold him up a little bit.
So the optics, that's the little thing you're keeping
sure, like, hey, can I help you?
Can I help you with human shield?
Yes, with the optics, right?
So he can be whatever.
I mean, he could be a woman.
It could be a woman.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it could be fucking a woman.
It could be a trans woman.
Wow.
I mean, I could still,
and I wouldn't even get, right?
Yeah, plus trans women have large, big bodies.
So you're able to get
more shields. Borderline, we're borderline, we're borderline, we're borderline. We're
that less than now. That's our borderline. Let's stay in the studio. So now there's another
person, right? They shot, they think they got me. What do they do? They come forward. And
what happens? I have my shotgun sticking on the the theche, right? The armpit, right?
And he's like, uh, miss, miss, ya queen.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
And I go like, and I go like this.
I'm okay.
Yeah.
Boom.
He sees something.
It doesn't make sense.
He sees an arc coming behind.
Behind the sun's queen.
Yeah.
He's like, wait, how's your arm?
Oh, fuck.
Fuck me.
Done, done.
Goes down. He's down in? Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck me. Don, don, don, goes down.
He's down in the kitchen, but not dead.
I shot him in the nuts.
Shot a, I blew his dick off.
Yeah, Robocop style.
Robocop style, not dead, but we'll remember this
for the rest of his life.
He'll remember it.
He'll be in jail, like what happened to you?
He's gonna be a unit in jail.
He's gonna be the go for it.
You know, go get me this.
Okay, me that.
Well, he's a big guy.
Why is he, you telling him?
Because, you know, he, uh, he has no dick. He's a big guy. Why is he you telling him? Because, you know, he has no deck.
He's got, he's a, he's a unique.
He got a shit shut off.
Yeah, well, how do you lose your deck?
It was my fault.
Yeah, it was my fault.
Yeah. I didn't know who I was messing with.
I took the easy way out.
I would, yeah.
Now, here's what I do.
I don't know if there's more people.
Do you know if there's more people?
How do you know?
No, so you hit the button.
Siding goes down.
I don't have that.
No, I don't have that.
Well, I'm not, I've been in a pandemic, I don't need money.
I'm in a pandemic.
There's no money, there's no side things.
I'm not, Russell Peters.
I don't have, I'm not Joe Rogan. I have buttoned you can push and go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, good, good, yeah. Tank a five money. Yeah, man, I got a, I got a fucking simple system. I got a fucking, I got a, I got a ring flood light
in the front in the back.
That's all I have.
Yeah.
So what do I do?
I back into, I back into, I shuffle back.
We know I don't get up.
You get, you get Maxi.
I don't get him.
You leave him there.
I'm leaving him up there.
Not his bait.
No, no.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to get him.
I'm real time on hearing, right?
Yeah.
Not his bait. I shuffle back. Because now I got I'm trying to get out. I'm real time on hearing, right? No, it's, yeah. Not as bait, I shuffle back.
Because now I got a straight shot to the front door.
There's only one hallway in my house.
And as they're coming down, I can pick them off.
But, yeah.
And, and, and, and, and, and,
as they come around that door, no matter how much of the,
they have, fuck, gunk, fuck, gunk.
How many shots do you get off of that shotgun?
Well, it depends.
This is the shockwave, why it's so good.
It has many rounds. You can put nine half slugs in there. They're little tiny slugs
That's what you need from that distance or five regular five is also already regular slugs listen if more than five people coming in at you
I mean, that's it. That's an that's an organized attack. This is a zombie talker about someone trying to get your mind the zombies
Yeah, I mean, that's a, that's an apocalypse attack.
That's crazy.
And they apparently got the wrong house.
That's it.
How do you know it's a break in?
You hear the crack window?
I, well, I have an alarm system.
So I hear back window open.
Back door.
Yeah.
Oh, get the gun.
And I have a, a thing in the hallway
that has a motion detector.
Yes.
So if anybody walks a night in the hallway,
what? Yeah, how much night vision goggles? Night vision,
nox, they call those. Oh, really? I use nox once. When I was in Iraq, I did the
the raid with fucking what's the thing? Who's the gay guy? Did it look gay?
Steve burn? No.
Scott Kennedy. Scott Kennedy. Who's got Kennedy?
You remember him?
He was like a redneck gay guy comedian.
He's going raids with him.
No.
He was like, fuck yeah, I do.
No.
Yeah, it's great.
We went, I went with Colin and Steve Berners.
Steve Berners.
Steve Berners.
And we were flying and the lady who did the USO really didn't like me that much.
I wonder why.
Because look, I have a shitty disposition.
Let's, there's certain people
that just don't like Bob Kelly.
You have, I'm gonna quiet taste, okay?
And so, I love that.
If you don't like me, you ain't wrong.
I prefer you don't, but you ain't wrong.
Yeah, yeah, I don't, I don't, who's that?
That's not gonna, I can't, I don't know him. He was in LA Comic-Con more. I don't know him, I don't know him. that? That's not kidding. How do I not know him?
He was in LA comic more.
I don't know.
I don't know.
He died like five years ago.
How do I not know somebody that looks like me?
That scares me too.
It looks like you a mush mic and a fucking show.
How do you die?
Hard attack.
I believe it was not AIDS.
Not AIDS.
Yeah.
Really?
I believe it was a sleep apiast situation.
No, it was a heart attack shit.
Look at that.
Look at that fucking Marine tattoo is a shit on his... Is he a Marine? No, it was a heart attack shit. Look at that, look at that fucking marine tattoos
and shit on his...
Is he a marine?
No, but he would love the idea of it.
He would go army, he's wearing a go army,
Michigan shirt.
No, you can't wear all that stuff.
That's kind of, that's a...
That's a stolen valor.
Stolen valor, man.
Oh my God, that's what they killed him.
Yeah, that's like that.
They killed him.
The government probably took him out.
That's stolen valor.
Androbalma, it's the shit they don't tell you about.
Yeah, that's like Vom, it's Jewish tattoo.
That's stolen by a...
He's not even Jewish, is that him?
No, he's not.
He's Italian.
He's a fucking annoying Italian guy.
But yeah, we were flying in on a C-130, right?
The big planes, right?
And they kept bringing Steve. They brought calling up, of course,
because he's the guy. So he gets to go up to the cockpit with the pilots. And it's fucking
epic. And these guys land planes, these big, huge C 130s at night, no lights, no lights
on the runway, just dogs. Okay. There's no lights on the plane. Cause they'll wait,
what? They just put on the goggles. And they land up no lights in the plane because they'll wait what they just put on the goggles and they land up no lights in the runway
That didn't make sense to be for a second what so they were in dogs
So we they brought Steve up and I was kind of bummed out because I'm just in the back in like a hammock seat
Just crying like a little baby because I of course I never get picked my whole life kickball
Fucking anything. Yeah, you're like come on gal. Little Asian hate
I stopped it for the most part, but let me go a little bit
in front of a one. Let him go, but not second. So they brought,
they, they finally, she came down to Robert. I don't know,
they call me Robert. I know they don't like me Robert. And she
brought me up and they put the nonges on, dude. And they're
landing the fucking plane. You can see everything, dude. And they
land the plane in the night with no lights.
I mean, those pilots, that's why when I fly
and there's turbulence and shit, those guys are all ex-air force.
Yeah, who taught somebody how to fly?
You didn't learn on your own time
and then fly a bucket for a unite.
No, those guys, those guys have fucking taken off
and flown it.
That's what they call captain,
because they were already captain.
Yes, that's not true, but yes, that's right. They're captain because they call captain because they were already captain. Yes, that's not true, but yes, that's right. Yes, they're captain because they're captain. They were already captain.
No, no, I mean, they're yeah, you don't have to go to the military, but I would assume so.
The probably or drop out of terror school. Yes.
I actually, somebody told me the other day that they said that they were,
they were holograms. Who it you? Who's holograms?
The planes.
What?
At Fluent 9-11?
The Fluent of the Billings with Hollywood.
That's not me.
It will be me from now on, but it was not me.
It's, dude, this, all the stuff that's going,
I feel like the last year, because we've been in,
and social media is so big, and everybody has a fucking podcast.
Yeah.
Everybody has a fucking podcast. Yeah. Everybody has a fucking podcast.
Yeah.
I mean, like stand up comedy is no longer a viable way to become successful in comedy.
It's podcast.
It's funny.
It's podcast.
I have three podcasts as the new I have a podcast.
It's true.
I mean, everybody gets a podcast, tries to figure out that whatever angle that
hasn't been figured out yet. I have a tag on this. And then hopefully they get it sticks.
And when it sticks, they just bury it. And then they go and they have to do the show and
the podcast. They do both. They do both. So many comments are like, oh, I think I'm done
with the stand up. I'll just make money on podcasting and I'll go cashing
on fucking shitty shows.
Yep.
Here's my tag though that wasn't that.
My tag is, I think that the interview format podcast,
the one I do, kind of over.
That's a format.
You have a couple guys, Rogan and stuff,
even though we lost a lot of his like,
I think that the morning zoo stuff, kind of like this,
I call it, you know, Legion of Skanks, your mom's house. Hang, hang. The hangs, I think those the morning zoo stuff, kind of like this, I call it, you know, Legion of Skanks,
your mom's house.
Hang, hang.
Hang.
Hang.
I think those are the ones that are still viable because that's like fun and funny.
But like, let me uncover something.
It's like, I've already talked about it as my podcast.
I've already talked about it as my back guys podcast.
There's no stories left on the cover.
When I started mine, it was like, whoa, who are these people you're introducing me to?
When they're past.
Yeah.
They're pasts are all out there now.
No, it's true. I remember when I did yours the first time was in,
was a jazz fest, JFL.
JFL, right?
Before you had your Zoom, remember?
And I think you're right, man.
I think Ronald, JFL, Toronto.
They had you.
They were leaving, I was coming.
No, it wasn't Toronto, it was,
I'm not sure.
It was Jazz Fest.
What's the other one?
Blues Fest. Blues Fest. You were leaving, I was coming. That's what I mean.
Yeah. No, we did a show together. Did we? Me. You. We did a show one night. We did a show one night.
Really? Yeah. I mean, Alonzo was there. I think they had every four days
they had a new group of comics. I think you finished your show. I came in for the next day.
Maybe you did.
Yeah.
Did we see Chris Cornell?
Maybe we saw Chris Cornell live.
You did.
Oh yeah.
He came out.
I came out of the show because the show was always done.
Oh, it was great.
Well, it was great.
Well, it was a long time.
It was a long time.
It was a long time.
And then I went up and halfway through my show
have to crowd-goat up and left.
You gotta accept that.
And the funniest thing about those.
Yeah, about those.
I thought I was bombing.
I literally was like, what did I say?
Yeah, they warned us ahead of time.
They didn't warn me.
I was like, I fucking stink.
I got off there.
Like, oh, Chris Cornell just went on,
how about with your set.
I'm like, I am motherfuckers.
And then I watched them do one of his last performances ever
till he fucking, you know, did it.
How's he doing?
I, him and Anthony both, Dan hanging out.
I'm seeing his do stuff.
It's not that new.
I'm saying, what's got Kennedy? Oh, to anybody. Dan hanging out. I'm gonna send his do stuff. It's not that new. I'm saying tonight we'll Scott Kennedy.
Oh shit.
He's hanging out.
Anyways, I think you're right though.
This style will always be viable because
you never know what this is gonna be.
My style was like, oh, I need some different
than just comic talking.
And now it's back to that.
It's crazy.
So one good podcast style is, are you garbage?
Because they're like, you know, have you done that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's like it's a new thing, but it's not tread upon.
But it's also morning. Zewish. It's interview, but it's
but those two guys are very funny. Yeah.
And even when they came here, one is not so much. Yeah, that's true.
I always give them both a credit and then make you decide.
Then your head goes, yeah, that was funny. Yeah.
Right. And you pick which one. Which one?
No, that one.
Yeah, that one.
But the, yeah, but it's weird even with that.
It's like, okay, so when you get everybody, I would have,
I say that show has to go and start doing famous people.
Start having like, you know?
They'll do that too, the way hot ones to.
Yeah, like, yeah, that's like a hot wings technique.
Hot ones, when they were like underground and like,
Bert was it really kind of helped them like get stuff and they start,
and right then Bert and Tom will like,
hey, you should have Ari on.
And that was, I think I was maybe the first,
or one of the first people, they were like,
I think we're too big for that.
No shit.
They said no.
Wow.
Yeah.
Like, too.
And then there's still pretty small.
And they're like, we're going places.
Okay, anywhere we're headed.
Well, if I'm on your show, it's over.
That's the way I've heard you way down.
If I do your festival, it's pretty much, it's over.
Whatever fun, whatever fun,
whatever jackets they were given out,
whatever cool like merch.
You have smalls left.
Yeah, yeah, I'm done.
By the time I do something, it's over.
Your podcast is pretty much finito, you know what I mean?
So I haven't been on Rogan. He's still killing it. I'll be I
but then I feel like when he's back on only Pandora, then it'll
be like, we're like, Hey, Bobby, I want you down here. Yeah, when
he moves back to LA, I have to do it at the store.
Exactly. We're using their studio in the bottom. But
you use your savings. I spent a lot of that on lobster. I, uh, I feel,
this is what I feel about that too. No, I don't. I feel. Where are my men's? I feel like
some Ecuadorian candy. I do not. What? I guess yes. Now that you said it that way,
this is why you bother me. What? Because you Because you make me want things that I didn't,
I really, this looks crazy.
So the people listening, you're about to be annoyed.
Wow.
I'm going to get 95,000 thumbs down on this.
People are going to listen to this just to give
a thumbs down. this. People are going to listen to this just to give you the thumbs down.
Oh my God.
It's pretty good though.
It's so good.
It's exactly what I thought it would be.
Could I have one of those for Max?
Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks.
I feel like they're trying to take out Rogan.
And I feel like it's been going on for a long time.
We're trying to get it.
I think that there's, and this is a conspiracy theory,
I think that they've been trying to take him out his peripheral.
They've been trying to take out all the people around him
because think about how big everything was.
And they took out all these guys, they tried,
they tried to take him up, they couldn't do it, but they took out everybody else around him They tried. They tried to take him up to couldn't do it,
but they took out everybody else around him
and they made people jumpy.
They made people scared.
And now you're like, what the fuck?
I mean, listen, you know, I mean, it's pretty crazy.
Now there's that New York Times piece.
What's the next?
Everything he does.
Now other podcasts to go on after him.
Other podcasts to call him Alpha Joe.
And, you know, because of what he says.
So now everybody's kind of watching him Alpha Joe.
What was that up?
What was that podcast with the girl and the guy?
He's an Alpha.
Huh?
That's not even an insult.
No, he's a fucking Alpha right now.
That's like, what do you mean?
It's like, if you had Alpha or Beta,
what are the two options you can have broken on of those two?
Yeah. No, I mean, it's not an insult to you, but to nerdy people,
Alphar is like a bad one. He broke it down. I don't think you're a
fucking loser. He did say that. It's different time. I'll never have
you on my show.
You eat your candy. I did. You just straight out a like a piece of
steak. I chewed it. I can't do that. did. You just straight out ate it like a piece of steak.
I chewed it.
I can't do that.
Yeah.
You have dental.
That's a little insurance, no.
But yeah.
He said, here's one of God's when somebody gets bigger.
It's so much magical when you chew it.
Yeah, that's great.
Oh my God.
It's a texture, right?
Oh my God.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This might be really pissing people out.
I'm a croissant, I'm all hearing.
Oh my God, what a fucking piece of candy.
It's good, right?
What is it?
Just random?
Candy that's right, so they have these like regions,
they have like a candy district,
and they have a candy town.
They have different towns that are like known for one thing.
And one's a candy town,
and then each town has their small candy district.
And this is a common candy, you can stop.
$1.00, boom, give me, you don't even ask how much, you know what it is, $1.00. district and this is a common candy. You can stop one dollar.
Boom.
Give me.
You don't even ask how much you know what it is.
One dollar.
Dude, that is the best case you can never have.
Okay.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
I didn't interrupt you.
He said, well, you get big.
It's happens like this where you go like you started to get bigger, started to get bigger.
And then somebody, let's say Mike is a fan of you.
And he goes, uh, the example he used was Joe list.
And he goes, Hey, tell my friends.
You got to see this Joe list guy. He's really funny in their friends. Like, I'll check him out if you say he's funny. List. And he goes, hey, tell my friends, you gotta see this Joe List guy, he's really funny.
And their friends like, I'll check him out,
if you say he's funny.
And then they like, oh yeah, I see what you're talking about.
It's really funny.
And you only come to Joe List from recommendations
of people who think you probably like Joe List.
Hey, I know your style, you're gonna like Joe List.
I'm not gonna tell my mom about Joe List,
but I will tell my other friends about it.
I'll tell the people I think will be into it.
So I almost everybody who comes to him is like,
yeah, you're right. I do like him.
You're right.
And then suddenly he goes,
you're faced on a billboard or on the side of a bus
because a network has said,
hey, everybody likes Joe Liss,
we're gonna put you on a side.
And then all these people who aren't recommended
Joe Liss are seeing Joe Liss.
And then like, I don't like this.
This is not what I like.
Why am I saying this? And so now you're in front of people I don't like this. This is not what I like.
Why am I saying this?
And so now you're in front of people
who don't like you for the first time.
And when Rogan got that big, all his people,
that he propped up, we're also in front of a lot of people
who didn't like them.
Yeah.
And so that's just the way of it, which is fine.
It's fine.
And so some of those people get super angry about it.
Hey, it is fine, but it's but it's weird that they're just, I mean,
every where you went a couple of years of everything Rogan did was amazing, his clips, and the things
he was talking about, and people, and then he got the deal, and it was like holy shit.
And now I hear people literally outward trying you know, trying to fuck it.
I heard this podcast with this nerdy dude and his wife, I think, the issues.
Like they just, I like him.
I watch him.
They're kind of nerdy.
I like nerds.
And then we got mad.
And I guess Rogan said something about her, you know, because she's a mask.
She loves it.
She's a mask.
Wear a mask, you know, and all that.
And Rogan's like, whatever said something.
He said to the fact, you wearing a mask outside, what the fuck? What a nit-eat or something like that. And he had to like, whatever said something. He said to the fact, you were wearing a mask outside.
What the fuck, what a nit-eat or something like that.
And he had to come to his wife's defense.
I get it.
But it's like, look.
I've been a comedy crowds before.
So she's this lippy.
You go to hard on her.
And the guy's like, now you left me no,
I mean, it's almost like unspoken like, dude,
I think you're even right.
But the way you handle it,
I have no choice but to go after you now.
Yeah.
It's like, listen, they try to put Rogan
as this non-commediate. They try to put Roganis's non-comedia.
They try to put them in this category of not just
a fucking bebag like the rest of us.
Yeah, well, and he just because he got bigger,
suddenly he's supposed to be like,
here's my, he ain't a fucking politician.
He's a douche, just like all of us.
He eats crumbs off his chest.
Like all of us.
That's the better chest.
Exactly.
The fucking awesome chest.
The chest is amazing
As his lobster sticks crumbs actually fall and stay on his chest exactly like mine
They just fucking they come down the swoop and do a ski jump onto my fucking belly button and go inside
Then I forget them and then it smells it maxes
See's it one day come out in a pool and throws up, but anyways, I think that's all it is
I don't know but I get what you're saying.. It does seem like some sort of attack on him.
I think it's a fucking attack, man.
I mean, it's weird.
It's like everybody was, everybody who could have been
taken out was taken out.
No, that's more.
What do you mean?
Where more people could be taken out?
Yeah, but could have, I said, could have.
All right.
People like you can't be taken out.
You are uncansable because you don't give a fuck.
You will throw your phone away.
You will go live in the jungles with fucking candy makers for six months and come back and
you have fans like, do where you been.
I like guys with a lot of times, but none of them stick.
None of it sticks.
I gotta do my shit.
Because you don't care about getting those, you don't listen.
Right, they're like, we're gonna dig a list thing
I remember a petrice talking about that with a few people
They were like we're gonna dang a list thing over your head. I'm like, but I don't want that thing
What I want is just to build to stand up and I'll do it in open mics
Like they take it all away from me. I don't hey, I just want to do it. Yeah, the money's bonus doesn't drive me
Yeah, so yeah, so in that way, I guess I'm unkantzable
It's not cancel because you don't keep you don't have money restrictions, too. that way, I guess I'm one cancelble. It's not cancelble because you don't have money restrictions too.
That's one thing I love being a dad.
I love having a house.
I love all the stuff I have,
but I do have to still take gigs where I'm like, fuck.
And I have to go and deal with that shit.
Oh, you have to take it away.
I mean, look, I'm,
this is why I understand people who are like, fuck it.
I'll just do Patreon.
Yeah.
I get it because you look at a guy like Tim Dylan
making $170 million a month.
Yeah.
And you're like, for him talking.
Yeah.
And it's incredible.
You look at a guy like Rogan, right,
who's making that much money doing a podcast
and can talk about any talk about all the shit.
The lottery dude.
It's great.
Yeah.
It is a weird lottery, but you could make it to where, you know, my Patreon gets to a point
where I'm like, yeah, no.
Which Patreon, Robert Kelly?
Robert Kelly, yeah.
Where?
Patreon.com slash rapper Kelly.
Patreon.com slash rapper Kelly.
Yes.
Like, well, you don't have to do shit.
Yeah, I know.
It'd be nice to have that money.
You can just do comedy that you want to do.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
What some people do is they have that, what's like Tim or Rogan out there, fuck you, if so much money, you can't that you want to do. Yeah, that'd be nice. What some people do is they have that,
what's like Tim or Rogan out there,
fuck you, if so much money,
you can't tell them what you do.
Yeah, I have the opposite way.
I have so little need of money that you can't tell me.
Right, yes.
Negative is our, is that shirt for sale?
You know what I mean?
I couldn't afford a shirt like that.
But that's okay.
But I'll give you one.
No, I'm getting you one.
Full circle.
I'm buying.
What a great shirt. Where would they be available?
I they're at comic wearables dot com comic wearables. Can I show you my
Can I show you my new shirt?
That is common. You know who can't pronounce comic wearables?
Do much Mike?
Comic wearables.
All right, you're
geared up for it. You got it ready.
I'm going to send this to motion. He'll put it on the big screen.
And you're going to flip out, but it's only going to be one and it's one shirt at
all. So it's going to be like that. We will tanks, if I can go to the album.
There's only one of these.
That's Carelley bought. There's only one of these.
And it's only going to me. I'm sending to you a mush.
Please bring it up on the screen when you get a please bring it up on on the screen right now. Thank you. One shirt and it's to me.
But I will buy you one of these. I will get you one of these. Really? Yes. Do you
even offer them in just a large? Wow. Yes. Great. Are you a large? Yeah. Oh God.
I'd love to be not a large. I am so if fucking so, so dying to become in shape.
Dude, I'm at, I'm, I'm, I'm, what are you got now?
You went up and down to the whole COVID.
I like the way you say it.
You were no sugar.
What are you doing?
Say no sugar.
That's past.
Okay.
All right.
Listen, listen.
Uh, I, I lost a lot of weight at the beginning.
Oh, yeah. Of course, you're not doing no sugar. Yeah. I'm doing it. Listen, I lost a lot of weight at the beginning.
Of course you're not doing no shirt.
I'm doing it.
Even if I lost a foot, I'd still suck them on of those.
If you had that inside your P-hole,
you'll do this last one.
I'd suck it out.
I'd suck it out of you, dick.
Those are the best candies I've ever had.
Look at that.
Oh yeah, what is that?
That's my neck shirt I'm getting.
You're a portion of me with the Mohawk?
Yes.
Yes, that's my next shirt.
You're gonna sell that online.
No, I'm not selling it.
You want me to sell it?
I'll sell it.
I'll give you all the profits.
Oh, I didn't even consider that.
Yeah, you can have all the profits.
I am getting that shirt.
I have show me.
How do you make that?
What do you mean?
The guy, my web guy.
And that would be a great shirt.
Objectively, that would be a great shirt.
It's a great shirt.
It's a great shirt.
If you, people like, how'd you get there?
I made it, only one in the world.
I think I want to make one.
Now, here's the thing.
Look at, go to ComicWerbels.com.
There was, he made one of me.
Go to ComicWerbels.com.
He made one of me.
It's called the spaghetti head bobby.
Okay, and it's the most popular shirt right now on comicwearables.com. And here we go. He's getting it. He's
just. That's me. Wow. So it's that's the shirt, right? And everybody bought that one.
Aaron Berg got one. A lot of a lot of people get this shirt for some reason. They like
this shirt. I don't know why, but I got a I got a danceota. I got a big J. Yeah.
I got a Ari.
When was that picture taken?
How many pounds ago?
That, what, what, what, I don't know how it is.
That is that up or down.
You think I'm, you think I'm bigger now?
Then the mat, yeah.
I'm bigger than that.
Yeah.
Really?
Jesus.
Here's the funny thing about being fat.
And I don't know if you know this
because you've never been fat.
I was.
You college. Not fat, fat. No, to 25. Okay, that's not fat. And I don't know if you know this because you've never been fat. I was. In college.
Not fat fat.
No, to 25.
Okay, that's not fat.
50 pounds.
Okay, it's not fat.
It's not fat.
I can weigh myself.
Yes, you can weigh yourself
and you could also buy clothes at the mall.
You don't have to go to a solo structure,
a brick and mortar by itself next to the mall.
You know what I think?
The side mall.
Yeah, where you walk in and they don't immediately bring you to them all. You know, the side, the side mall. Yeah, well, you walk in and they don't
immediately bring you to the shoes. Yeah, I'm not afraid of you running out fast because I don't
know if I'm running at all. Yeah, as soon as you walk in, they bring you right over to everything.
But, uh, circuit, we find yourself again, fashionable.
Shots. Show, would you like something with birds on it?
Can we show you our stretch side? Can we show you something with blue either in blue white or black?
This is nothing
Fat guys have no good clothes man. I used to go to the big and tall when I was like tall for like a skinny because it was like
I was like I can't quite fit and then it was like oh this thing
Unbearable
It's terrible. It's terrible, dude.
I told Quinn today, Colin Quinn,
because he goes up and down too.
Shirt should be adjustable.
They should make an adjustable shirt.
Wow, like put leaves in them.
Yeah, no, just side things when you can unzip.
You know what I mean?
Oh, right, like a bag, the unzip the side
that goes like a big bag.
Yeah, like a suitcase,
where you can, you know,
you got a suitcase, you want a capability to un zip that thing yeah they should make a shirt that you can
unzip a little bit what's that who's that Conquan and Bobby no that's that's that's
that's DLX right DXL yeah DLX died I thought D that's it right there you just get you get
you get you get that's it like oh nice that's your bill bond comic worryables dot com here's
the thing no that's not but here's the thing, that outfit cost $10,000.
Fuck off.
How they charge fat people way more money.
Fat guys have to pay, triple the price of a shirt.
Those are normal size shorts.
You know how much my T-shirts cost at that place?
How much?
$20 a shirt.
For just a blank T-shirt.
For a black T-shirt.
Black T-shirt.
But here's the thing, you don't know when you're big.
Oh, I'm not sure.
I don't know, like, okay, right now today, I feel good.
I feel like I lost, I've been going to the gym,
I've been lifting again, I feel better.
And then you see me as I am.
And you come in and you're like, wow,
you're the fattest I've seen you.
So the dilemma of a fat person, right?
I feel better, but.
I feel like, oh, I'm doing it,
but then you go out into the real world
and someone who hasn't seen you in a while, right?
Throw you a piece of candy like you're a fucking seal.
And but you're actually seeing me the way it is.
It's like your haircut.
You don't know.
I think that Jack Black movie was chasing even though,
what was it?
Shallow hell. Shallow hell. Yeah. like your haircut you don't know Jack Black movie was chasing even no what was it shallow how shallow how yeah yeah so it's it's a it's a tough
Being I know when I started in LA. Yeah, there was an improv show at the improv I mean yeah and um um
Who's the guy who's open for sign for for for spring Sinatra
Jumpinette
Yeah, jumpinette came and he was like headlining it.
All the agents and the Jews were all swarming him,
trying to like, you can go out hand him and stuff.
And they were like, you look so queer with guys.
You're all so much weight.
And I'd never seen him before.
So I'm just like, this guy's gonna die.
What are you talking about?
Why would you go out to hell with this guy?
Look, I don't know if he used to be 700,
and now he's 600.
But I was just like, what is this town?
That is telling this fucking double obese that he's looks good
Dude agent to the other the worst managers are the fucking worst
When there's when when there's a fucking nickel. Oh my god, dude. Here's the thing. Can I I want to explain this too that fat
There's a fat person that people don't
Call them fat
Like they're like jumpinette was fat Ralphie made was fat
Patrice was fat, but they net like they never they should have been fat like they everybody sees them as fat
So they don't fuck with their fat
That's not like people like you fat fuck, but trees really you can never get them with fat
You know what I mean? I don't know he just couldn't he was just a big fat fuck me
Because I I've been skinny you see what I could be get the old get the headshot Bobby
I'm sure your fans have seen it, but I'd love to see it again. Yeah, so that's the marine headshot of Bobby
That's the one where it's like, oh, you're fat. Yeah.
There's something to compare to.
Right.
You're like, oh, what?
Yeah, you never saw Ralph you may in shape.
No.
So he's just a fact, he was 430 and talking in middle school.
Yeah.
I've got to call him back.
Dude, he's eight.
You can put it off.
You might want to, I think you're good.
So I think you're gonna call him back.
All right, well.
Yeah, so it's the worst.
This is the worst one ever too.
Oh God, Jesus Christ.
I hate that guy so much.
Why?
The way he's dressed, the way he thinks he looks awesome.
Toxic rock.
Fuck you.
Fuck this guy.
Oh, that guy would have not liked you too.
I would have fucking saw you at the club.
And like, God, this fucking...
Yeah, I would have come in like, yeah, bro, real cool.
Like I would have said something to like Monroe,
like, fucking asshole.
You would have said something to him.
I would have went, what'd you say?
Yeah.
And you say, what?
Nothing.
And then you'd be like, and then you'd talk to me on my back.
Yeah.
And you'd like say loud, like, say too loud, like, yeah, fucking pussy. I'd like to see him do something. Right. Like you like say loud, like say too loud, like,
yeah, fucking pussy.
I like to see him do something.
Right.
Like loud enough, like everybody would be like,
yeah.
And then Rogo would come in and go right to you.
Like, what's that brother in hug you?
And I'd be like, ooh shit.
Oh, let's get that.
Let me get that louder.
I'm just a liar.
I'm like,
no, I liked you from the second I met you.
Yeah, we liked each other.
I don't know what.
I was trying to explain that to somebody.
I go, I don't know why I should have not liked Ari. I saw him at the improv in LA
He was kind of a fucking
Contest people I knew yeah, like people I knew will like fuck him because you're normal
I was a weed and a garden of beautiful flowers
And you're like that guy's natural
Yeah, I'm a cultivate of that. mean, you walked up, you're stupid, frizzy hair,
and you're dumb jacket.
You're fucking locks, bro.
You had fucking crazy locks, and you wore stupid clothes,
and you stuck out, you peacocked every fucking shit,
you walked in, it was like, who's that guy?
And I liked you the best out of all them, I think.
I remember every time I saw you, I out of all them, I think.
I remember every time I saw you, I walked right up, I was
what's up, dude? How you doing?
And you would never a fucking, you're like, what's up?
You never were fake fucking phony out there.
We didn't know how to be that crew of the comments,
or that class of the comments, or we were so on,
there was no one there succeeding.
Like a few people were, but it was like, there was nothing to climb.
So we just weren't raised to climb.
We had this little bubble.
You don't have like, sometimes you'll have like,
I call it reverse ghettos, like a nice part of town
in a shitty like overall.
That's what it was.
It was like a regular, like Hollywood was fucking,
and then this ghetto of comedy store
where like none of us were gonna get ahead.
Eventually when it was easy got on the show.
But like, that was it. No chance. All these fucking way worse comics were getting development deals
and we're like, yeah, because the store was garbage. Yeah, and last factory was on fire.
Fire. Remember, Mexican got the development deal from the chick from, um,
Mexican got the development deal from the chick from
Who's that actress? He got the deal from her from bird box. She saw him was like I'm gonna make you a star
And then he got his deal George Lopez. George Lopez got it from
Sandra Bullock. Yeah, I love it. We're so we just have no memory
We're just two old. What's that chick from bird box that did with the Mexican guy?
It took me a while to define bird box. I said your pull up was never gonna be.
And it's not even the movie you pick with her.
Bird box is not the movie.
I'm gonna say the blind side.
Speed.
I mean, yeah, I mean.
America's sweet heart.
Yeah, miscongeniality.
I mean, the proposal to so many movies before a bird box.
You think fucking what's your name again?
Who?
The one we just said.
Senator look.
Do you think she's ever happy enough knowing
she never got as good as Julia Roberts?
She did Julia Roberts thing worse than Julia Roberts.
Dude, I don't know about that.
I think she was, I think Julia Roberts was good for a minute
and then it was gone.
She's a hooker in a,
okay, what's it called now?
What?
She's like a legit hooker and like the Georgia Republic?
Who she has she got abducted dude you don't know that story. I don't I don't know it's a full-on fucking crack hooker in Georgia and Georgia
Where Georgia Russia Russia? Yeah, she got abducted. Yeah, and then she like took to it
She likes it. Yeah, she likes it. She can't get away She can't. So you could go there and hire her right now?
I mean, it costs like hundreds of dollars, 200,
but like you could do it.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
If you said any other fucking price, I wouldn't.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I cost 200 or $5.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
That was funny.
I wonder if there is ever a girl that got into a hook
and kind of under duress, but then was like,
I don't like it.
Yeah, exactly.
That's what they always turn about.
You got turned out.
Yeah.
Like, if you imagine if you were somewhere fucking,
fucking for a living,
you know, Yeah, she, I think Julie Roberts, to be honest with you, was, I think Sandra Bullock was more
likeable and did more hit movies.
She never got a ticket.
She lived.
She was a $20 million fucking woman.
Julie Roberts is the original number one movie starlet.
She okay.
No, she wasn't the original number one. After
after fucking that hooker movie, she but she was like people like, wow,
name a movie. I can't even name the hooker movie. I just name nine.
You're good. You're better. I'm not I stink at this. What?
I'm dumber than you. Good point. Oh, wow. Uh, yeah, dude, there's no
Sandra Bullock had so many movies. She had nothing till Birdbuck. She had like, oh, let me, let me go, potentially
adopt a linebacker. That was something. And say movie up
for an Oscar. The Green Mile. She wasn't in that. Was she
not? No. She healed people. No, that was the big black guy.
I get them all mixed up. The point is nobody, the comics,
they're cared about acting.
We didn't care about actors.
Yes, we're back to that.
So we were just like Bobby was doing okay.
You got him at TV.
Right.
Bobby run as easy.
And then there's some older people
that had been on things.
But now let me ask you a question
because I was out there for two years
and then I was back and forth for pilot season,
every pilot season.
I would be out there.
The improv was fire. All fire all I mean, famous people,
Sandler, I mean, just Drew Carrey Knight.
I mean, just coming in and it was packed industry,
industry, industry.
One thing about New York that I love this
and the seller as it was never industry in the crowd.
They didn't let them in.
They didn't give them free tickets.
They didn't give them night.
Sorting give, sort of let you in, but they't give them free tickets. They didn't give them night. They're starting giving their day.
They're starting to let you in.
But they're like, Korean Park?
Like, no.
I love it.
They'd be like, what do you mean, no,
that I'm not coming?
And they never came.
They called their bluff.
They never came.
I don't care.
Good pay for tickets.
Yeah.
You want to see this guy.
She was still doing it.
Like, it was like, you know, 1985.
Which one of them you're going to want to see?
Which one of them being the better way to do it?
Well, so financially, no, but in the
lot of like, yeah, all the people that came out of there, like
really solid comments. And you don't remember any of the people that came out of
the improv because you weren't doing it for something. Right.
You were doing it just for the last. Yeah, just to get better.
Because I remember being at the lab factory. And it was
fucking, I mean, nuts, but it was all right.
I don't know the blog to line around the block. We need to be sitting there and fucking, you know, this, this guy was all fun. A lot around the block. To line around the block, we should be sitting there and fucking, you know,
this guy was there.
That you look in the crowd and it's famous people,
even Dublin's, I mean, you do it in the fucking
in sync was in the crowd and it was just annoying.
Yeah, if there was a famous person
in the crowd at the commas store,
they were 50% out with a hooker.
Like literally like one of those hooker dates.
And they're just drunk. And
they're like, this is their bottom, at their bottom. They're not trying to cash in off that.
Yeah. With some 80s like, 80s movie star like teenager from those, what's it called movies?
Like, like, pretty in pink and American. Yeah. Who's John Hughes? Like, Josh Hughes, like,
came up with no memory. We stink at this. God, it's really suck at it.
That movie, the Mexican.
What's worse, that whole talk or chewing straight into my paper?
I think audience, tell us now at patreon.com slash robbercally.
But you know, I remember going to the store
and they didn't even open up the main room.
It was never open.
It was never open.
And that's where you could fuck.
And you guys fuck there.
We fuck with smoke. We do drugs there. Yeah, for sure.
And how many seats is that?
That one's paid three, three, 30.
Jesus, man. I used to go in the beautiful room.
You'd have the, what's the room that was the main room that was over?
What was that called? The belly room? No.
With the downstairs downstairs.
The original room. The original room is the main room that was open. What was that called, the belly room? No. With the downstairs. Downstairs.
The original room.
The original room.
The original room is the main room.
The original room was always open.
Yeah.
And it was sketchy.
Yeah.
Dark, the piano guy, the announcer.
It was, and the street was behind you.
It was always a fucking hit or missing over there.
Like, you'd go up on there and be like, wow.
It was a struggle.
It was dark.
You're there to work out.
There was a fucking this ghost, this death here.
Yeah. Every time I went there like there's
Literally in the wall like raccoons and rats were dying rock and then you
But it smells like death like that's what it is
And but then you go into the big room and I'm like I remember seeing it be like this is fucking wise
Nobody shot especially here nobody's done anything in this fucking room
Yeah eventually and then you had the upstairs the belly room, right?
Yeah, which is made for women
Why is it made for women? No, she she women it sounds terrible now looking back
But back then it was like women weren't getting a shot in Hollywood
Right, she was kind of like that's kind of unfair, right? So she she cleared out a storage and read made it
Just way made out this we made this you know
It's a really nice upstairs room specifically for the women comedians you kidding me
Uh-huh, and then a couple people like why can't we be downstairs with the guys and then she was like some of you are
The sucky ones are not
You fucking room
Like your rose ends down there you idiot. I miss I miss fucking honesty
I miss the 80s of just being like you stink.
You're sick. You fucking blow. That's why everybody talks about the comments. They're like,
oh, there's like some sexual harassment. Yeah, by the female owner. If you want spots,
you can lick this box. It's based on sexual harassment. That's a great, that'd be a great shirt.
That'd be good. You want spots, lick this box. That's a great fucking a great shirt. That'd be a good spot. You want a spot, lick this box.
That's a great fucking mid-shoot.
That is great.
Yeah, but somehow, somewhere, because you guys just did it, you guys fucking, I just,
I'm with funny, funny, funny, funny, and then it turned over.
And now that that room is just, the main room is always on fire, right?
It was. Yeah, it's not, it's about to be back. It's not, but like, on fire right was yeah, it's not it's back
It's about to be back. It's not but like it's not my favorite. It's not my favorite time to the comedy store
Why too famous it turned it turned all got big and now they're afraid of losing some of their money
So it's it's lost the heart of when we're all really poverty-stricken well because you can't get fucking wiped out in the night
You say one bad thing now and back. I mean, four years ago, you say bad thing on stage, you got a little TMZ maybe,
but nobody recorded it.
I'm just mad at you.
Yeah, it was you might get a bottle of it.
Yeah, word of mouth or some shit.
Yeah, bullshit.
Now your career just goes down the tubes.
Yeah.
Do you think comic, I don't think we want to be famous anymore, right?
The, the rich ones want to be, the rich ones love it.
Yeah.
But like they'd rather be rich without being famous
Ah, some of them want to be famous. I don't know they all suck
I just get on stage and try to
New York is so much better New York is better, but it's a little fucking woke now
The crowds may be a little but not not right now. I don't see it right now. I've still been outdoors tonight's my first day indoors
We you doing your show tonight, where?
The stand, every Tuesday.
Downstairs.
Downstairs.
Okay.
And then I got my first seller spot.
I first sell a spot since I was telling
to go for this today.
Name drop.
That.
It's a big name.
Yeah, that's a big guy.
It's a big guy, big name.
Talk about money.
The last time I did a spot at the seller,
March, Sunday, March 15th,
the final show of the comedy sale for lockdown.
Yeah.
I went on before a tell,
and then a tell me and Will went on
and closed out comedy in New York.
Wow.
And when I went on, it was like half full,
because people were like,
I've heard, I don't know,
you supposed to stay home for a couple weeks,
something like that.
I was doing jokes.
This is how little we cared.
We thought it was a real thing. Because no one there was super scared. We're out. I was a couple weeks, something like that. I was doing jokes. This is how little we cared. We thought it was going to be real thing because no one there was super scared.
We're out.
Right.
I was a little nervous.
It was everybody.
I was like, people in the front was like, so how do you go?
How do you guys feel about it?
And we're all like laughing and the brawling our eyes because we didn't think
it would be around more than a week.
It's funny.
It's funny. It's gonna be funny if you went back and found those people and you killed a couple of
them.
They just dead.
And they killed the grandmother.
It just spread you guys with a super spread as a fucking just dead. And they killed the grandmother. It just spread.
You guys were the super spreaders of fucking New York that night.
I think it would be great.
I was thinking of this that there's some people
that died from that thing that it's actually,
like people like it's good.
Oh, I have a bit about, yeah,
like some of these people have been praying for.
Some of these people like, you know,
like we're already hoping they died.
There's a couple of people in neighbors
that were like, what happened to,
oh, he's, and you're like,
mm, it's like when you're dog dies.
It's sad, but then you're like,
I don't have to walk, I don't have to pick up poop.
We can go on vacation and not get,
we're free.
Yeah, or you're a tartar kid,
you got a retarded kid, and then he's like, I love him just like any kid, but your retarded kid, you got a retarded kid,
and then he's like, no, I love him just like any kid,
but then when you die, you're like,
oh, I don't have to fucking take him to that place.
Yeah.
Every other week, I don't have to wait for the bus,
that fucking bus.
Yeah, you gotta, and then it's like, it's like, I'm free.
I didn't want to happen, but I can't see the benefit.
Yeah, it's like, like an elderly person in your family,
there's just holding on to that the fucking and then as soon as they
had done that, they just gone and that house goes on the market.
Oh, oh, oh, nine hundred nine hundred thousand dollars.
About a 40 grand, 35.
Oh my God, nine on, we get to split a hundred and fifty.
What?
But it is sad.
No, no, it's, no, it's sad. It's sad. Is that pop's Rolex? Hey, what do you think of like filet mignon?
Funeral
Yeah, it's a fucking weird. Yeah pop out of Rolex pop pop pop pop that's a Rolex from the 30s
That looks like like it looks like Paul Newman's oh my my goodness. It's Paul Newman.
He used to row with him.
Oh man, fuck it, eh.
Oh, I've got to be back in the studio.
It's my first in studio podcast.
I had one Legion of Skanks.
Yeah.
And then to surprise him when I got back underwhelming appearance.
And then I'm now this.
And I'm doing one tomorrow.
With whom?
This is funny.
I'm doing Ari Shaffir today.
And tomorrow I'm doing Ari Spears with Rich Voss is coming in.
And Ari's friend.
What's his friend that he does his podcast with?
Sodaberg or something.
What story about Ari Spears?
Yeah, please.
Please.
Really?
Are you friends with him?
No, I think I met him once. Okay, please. Please. Really? Are you friends with him?
No, I think I met him once.
Okay, because I was gonna have him come in today.
But I just wanted to, this one to be me and you.
Yeah, that'd be great.
It'd be stunted.
Huh?
It'd be stilted.
It might have been, it might have been great, but it's just
a little bit great.
I know you.
This is the, this is, I just wanted me and you to do this.
Yes.
Andy Steinberg.
Andy Steinberg, you know I'm
I thought you guys all knew each other. Yeah, we do a lot of us tough to get it sweet.
I don't remember the fucking point. Okay.
Um,
Oh, got an email from the improvs that would love you to come
do the fucking big Thursday night show at the improv.
You should be the big one every week. Right.
I wanted to get on the backward. It was like big. They got worse and worse and worse. Yeah.
That show.
College show or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shoot. It was when it was like big. They got worse and worse and worse. Yeah, I'm in that show. College show or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it was it was finally.
Yes, they did it here.
It was so big.
Yeah, we'd love to.
Yeah, they said, Hey, Aries, we'd love you to do this show.
And I was like, God, I'd love to.
Hey, did you mean me or Aries, it's Aries spears.
I'm on I'm already an Aries.
And like, oh, fuck man, it was an auto auto like filling
from the, we put ARI and it just stopped right there. And I was like, oh fuck man, it was an auto auto like filling from the Luis put a.r.i. and it wasn't it just stopped right there. And I was like, oh no problems.
Catels of the show and they go actually pretty full lately.
Wow, give me the fucking spot. So that's, I mean, it's not like humanity, like,
I fuck, no, no, we'll have you. I mean, who could be like, nah, you just said
on an invitation or something who wasn't on the show. People don't like you, huh?
People don't like, I was, I was very small then.
I wasn't off or anything, but I wasn't human.
You fuck up.
I like, now we can't not have you.
Hey, it's big party.
I was shit.
Mike's here.
Yeah.
No, Mike, we'd love to have you.
You know what I mean?
Who could be like, oh, no, we're not having a party.
Yeah.
You and Ari are, are you, is, you're both the same.
You say whatever the fuck you want, which I like.
You guys both remind me the same.
You both don't care.
You're both shooting for funny.
His Paul Mooney impression was great.
Oh my God, I closed my eyes and washed it like five times.
It really brought me back to like to him.
He's Tony Soprano fucking impression as even better.
I don't care if I should have done those whoops.
You still don't like Italians, huh?
Yeah, they're gross.
Worse the whites, worse the whites, I'll maintain it.
Italians, worse, worse than the whites.
Do you know the last time?
Worse the whites.
Last time you said this, a couple of my Italian friends
got a little fucking mad because you said
they were trash people.
They're trash people.
Yes.
All right, now listen, let's pack up a little.
And what do they say?
What do they do?
They went straight to threatening violence.
Okay.
Race, trade of a trash person.
Okay, while they did, they were gonna come down.
They're gonna come down there.
Fucking idiots.
Fucking idiots.
The worst thing to ever happen to any Italian with sopranos finishing.
They have nothing since then.
Fuck off. You see that last course, Daisy movie, without old man throwing fucking fake with sopranos finishing. They have nothing since then.
Fuck off.
You see that last Scorsese movie with that old man throwing fucking fake kicks.
That's your legacy, garbage trash.
That's your legacy.
Fake kicks from a guy you're still clinging on to.
If I'm no one since then.
You still have nobody in the...
Nobody.
Your last great thing was pizza.
Fuck off.
I don't listen, man. I'm half Italian. So I am, well, I would say a quarter, maybe,
but I am very offended by this because I don't, I'm Irish and Italian. What do you think
about Irish people? They're okay. They're okay. That is an attack. They're the worst of the whites.
Of all the whites, Italians, other words.
Now obviously whites are wherever you want to put them
on the scale of race, but of the whites,
wherever you want to put them, that's up to you.
But I'm saying of the whites.
So the whites.
So all right, we're gonna, we're gonna,
are we an hour, all right?
Almost.
By the way, you can see me and Bobby having fun talking
about Palmoni and other stuff on my podcast,
R.I.Shifir's Skepper Tank.
It's on YouTube now, youtube.com slash R.I.Shifir.
Please check it out and subscribe.
That was a fun podcast.
That was a fun, shit what?
That was really good man.
Outside Smongas to guys.
I wish all podcasts either, I love the studio.
I'm back, but that was fun.
Perfect day too.
Perfect day.
Hold on the mic.
The dog would fly in and out.
People are saying you can see the dog running behind the screen.
So like, yeah.
The birds would sharpen.
You really get the ambiance.
I want to talk to you about, in the overtime for the Patreon only, I want to talk to you
about Bushcraft party boys and what's going on with what's happening with this.
Are we killing it?
Is it going bad?
Is it over?
Because you seem to be
Domesticated. No, I just got back from a long quite a long vacation. I'm ready to go camping
I was gonna go this weekend with my niece. You'll be able you did this what I'm talking about what you were going car camping with my
Nees for her fucking bot mitzvah. I'm Jewish for bot mitzvah. You were taking her camping for a bar mitzvah
Oh, dude, but I plan shit to go wrong.
What are you?
I got what are you talking about?
I invited the Appalachian people.
And we were gonna find the whites.
No, yeah.
Those are better whites than the Italians.
Oh, the wonderful world, the way.
No way.
Yeah.
No way.
As a group.
You're not better than the whites.
Did you see that documentary?
I have sure did.
They took her by me.
Hey, hey, hey, they took her by me.
Hey.
This snort and fucking pills in the hospital.
They're not great.
Instead of phrasing it, they're better than the Italians.
I'd say the Italians are worse than them.
You think the Italians are worse than the fucking West Virginia
Appalachian red necks, the whites?
Yeah.
I think you're crazy.
The Italians have brought us fucking...
This is what Italians always do.
They go back to way way in the past.
Greeks try to do that too.
Like who would go to the language?
You're like, what are you talking about, dude?
Where's the whites? Better's the whites better than Italians.
Better than Italians.
Oh my fucking God.
They don't put on airs.
They can't.
They're all having a good time playing music down by the tracks.
They're not pretending they're someone they're not.
Yeah.
I mean, listen, what do you mean the Italians are pretending to be somebody
that not just they are, they're not.
They're fucking good
They're hardworking people they built this country
They were tracks had never run something to do with it. What did you say much they wear tracksuits and never run?
Oh my god, that's a great point so do an eye
You don't want tracks it's like I have
Migrosine just showing up in a tracksuit and you're like it's a costumer sketch
I grew up in a trax and you're like, it's a costume for a sketch.
But no, what?
I'm like, forget it.
All right, listen, we're gonna go to the overtime right now.
Let's go to the Patreon.
Let's go to the Patreon.
By the way, let me drop this.
I also have a Patreon.com slash R.A.S.
Fear, but really?
What is it called again?
Patreon.com slash R.A.S.
Fear.
Patreon.com slash R.A.S.
Fear.
You can be both.
You can be a patron to both.
But, yes.
Mainly, go check out my podcast, R.A.S.S. You can be both. You can be pictures of both. But yes, um,
Mainly go check out my podcast. I should be a skeptic. Yeah, but join us. Pay, listen, this is the Patreon is allowing us to do these gigs. It is nice. It's nice. It lets you have the the fuck you money.
It lets you go broke. It lets you go. Okay. I'll go. I'm not I don't I don't work that club. They don't work me because they're only working fucking famous TikTok people
Yeah, I'll just come in and do one night at the I'll rent the rock venue. I'll roll in I'll get 200 people one night
I'll make what I was making my fans get to see me and I'll come in once a year and I'll roll there. That's it
It makes it how does patreon do that patreon does that because I can say fucking no
I could say no.
I could cash coming in.
Listen, you give a comic the power to say no.
I believe we'll, that's it.
That's all you're looking for.
That's the thing about this today.
One of my biggest problems at Hollywood is that I
got told no so much early on, so I stopped worrying.
I stopped waiting for them.
And then it's like,
sputting heads with people that are like super capitalist,
where people that are like,
well, I'm into like the art form.
And then like when it doesn't mesh, mesh,
the capitalist people like,
you gotta get ready, we gotta get ready.
That's like, we can have you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's weird.
Yeah, I really attacked their whole being.
Yeah, I feel like,
you feel like maybe I won't do this show anymore,
but that's my month, but Yeah, like this last year,
when you they took it all away, it was like, well, at the end,
like coming out of it, I'm like, that was a great thing. Great.
I've created I wrote a lot of comments really rose to it. I wrote,
I wrote a two scripts. Really? Yeah, I wrote two scripts. We
came up with a whole new podcast me and my
Calta that I love doing. I learned how to fucking skip rocks on ocean. I was always good at
river skipping and lake skipping, but my ocean skipping game has really stepped up.
I got my sobriety. Got a hundred times better. I didn't do any drugs. It was great. I mean,
I did get fat again.
That was a problem.
But, all right, we're gonna talk about that.
We're gonna talk about a bunch of things.
Patreon.com, Stash Robert Kelly,
please go to my dates right here.
And we're gonna go to Ari's dates too.
I am gonna be at the,
well, he's gonna click on it right there.
Napa Nonk, New York, Napa Nonk.
That's above Pekipsi, I believe.
Napa Nonk.
Napa Nonk, New York. I can do them now. I know that, I know that. I know that Pekipsi, I believe. Napa Nog. Napa Nog.
I know that. I know that.
I know that. I know that.
Oh, did you play that?
I haven't, but I wanted to.
And they never booked me.
You kidding me?
I'll get you booked in next week.
All right.
So see me there.
Saturday, June 12th and see Ari there.
Very soon.
You go to the comedy works and not or because you're headliner.
What?
Because you're headliner.
I'm going to Key West. I'm going to... I'm going to Vegas, I mean.
Key West.
I'm going to Key West, dude.
I've never been.
Really?
I heard it's a party town.
Yeah, key syndrome.
I talked to...
What does that mean?
Because people go to, they go beach life.
You gotta talk to a list about it when it comes,
and then they just stay in beach life.
What does that mean?
They drink every day and they start earlier and earlier
because why not?
It's that thing like why not really?
Yeah, that's where they went with Billy Crystal and
disease that's something like that and the black dude was guy's name. What was that movie?
What was that movie with Billy Crystal in the black dude Gregory Hines no
Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal
Who was the one guy that was Gregory Hines. Yeah, one of the most underrated movies ever
What was the movie? What was it called it was called? Um
They were in two. I don't even know to remember. I think they were one. They were cops
Billy Crystal was under
No, no running scared. That was not running scared. Was that it?
Maybe that was it what a Gregory Gregory Heiser just danced on the...
I wish we had a fucking massive computer
that you could type in.
I tried them, I tried them, I'm so sorry.
All right, thanks, man.
They were fucking...
Yeah, running scared.
Running scared.
Watch that movie.
Okay, running scared.
Billy Crystal, Gregory Heins, very funny movie.
Their whole fucking thing is to get the key
western by a bar and retire and
they have to do it but this guy steps in and fucks everything up before they do it.
Yeah and good.
I'm free to ride a lot on me.
Who's that guy?
Look at Billy Crystal.
Look how shredded he is.
Jesus.
I even noticed that at first.
Fucking Billy Crystal was shredded for this Hollywood disease.
Dude, let me tell you something.
With comedians.
It's like a male.
There's always a point.
Not nearly, but yeah.
Where they get shredded for.
They want to get alpha.
They want to be that guy.
They like, they make jokes because they're like,
oh, it's like what Arty says about Stern.
Where it's like, wait, we used to make,
when he said he saw him go to like Jennifer Anastas wedding
and goes, I thought we're making fun of celebrities because we hated them right we're making fun of them cuz we weren't invited
Yeah, so the comments make fun of like jocks, but it's like only cuz we can't afford a trainer
Yeah, exactly a fucking a scary she feels great to shoot up but fucking be ripped
Comedy works the sonny's comedy club go to robbercat alive calm motion is gonna be with me at
works. Vassani's comedy club. Go to Robert Ketter Live.com. Most she's going to be with me at in September over its sides, but as I'm all over the comedy connection, Rhode Island,
I love that club. I'm going there. When? In the end of July. Indive? Inderva.
Indive. And dude, fucking great club. Love those guys. You should have bring his virtual reality
goggles. You'll flip out
Yeah, what is this why are we bringing up these guys?
You stick it
But the fucking dates are up there where are the dates go to the dates, please over to the right heart for Connecticut
My god you have a lot of dates. Yeah, I just I just came back to do this to coma
It's come Washington pits with me and Jay doing one show in Pittsburgh. I was 29.
Why don't, when are we going to do shows together?
Can't.
Why?
Because you can't like, what does that mean?
You have a family family.
Why do I shows are based on taking another week and a half off after that?
And doing why can't I, why do I have to take the whole week and a half off?
Why can't we're not just doing the one, we're doing the one show on a way to a fucking fun vacation?
What? Why can't I go on vacation doing the one we're doing the one show on a way to a fucking fun vacation. What?
Why can't I go on vacation with you?
All right, let's go to the picture. Listen make sure you get Mike Vs. Whereas follow him on everything and follow us like this video
Make sure you like it and comment and subscribe hit the subscribe button right there or over there where it is. Make sure you do that for the channel.
We have so many new subscribers.
The videos are popping off lately on YouTube.
Subscribe, like, comment, get the algorithm going.
Thanks so much.
We're going into overtime right now with Irish beer.
Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly.
Only this is for you.
So anyways, all right, well, that's it.
Then there is, you got to, you got to fucking first thing.
The first podcast is fucking over. First podcast live, man, this is fucking great. I love it. Yeah, I was like, no, that's it. Then there is, you got to, you got to fucking first thing. The first podcast is fucking over.
First podcast live, man, this is fucking great.
I love it.
Yeah, I was like, no, let's not go up there.
Let's do it in your studio.
Let's be back and we fucking did it.
We did it.
We had fun.
I missed you.
We're back.
The city's back.
You're gonna go graffiti.
Eric Griffin, the fucking comedian,
is a $10 subscriber.
Yeah, Eric Griffin's a man.
That's great.
So let's read these $10. Here's the thing we do.
$10 ones get extra something extra, whatever you want, whatever way you want to go. And I'll read
the $5 ones. Okay. Okay. Circus, Inaforean. Yeah. For $10 a month, it's due May 24th, you just did it.
Mark complete. I am sorry for what is happening to your people hands of the
Turks. Oh Jesus Christ. Rob Hyman. I am sorry for what I've done just so many of you
ecologists of the last 10 years. He's got a high school. You get the fucking bomb Dan of the first time in a year and a half.
Good. Michael Minton. Michael each.
I am Palozoa.
Worst of the whites.
Steven nothing. Obviously you can't even fucking put a name on there. Oh, he's got a five bucks. You can say you do them too.
Okay, Sarah Jones.
I'm sorry for I assume being with a terrible husband doesn't respect you in any
way. That's not your fault. It's just because you were given a lack of respect, lack of self-respect.
Eric Griffin, you've never lost the weight you told me to go lose. Joe Selser, I'm now
third through. Josh Kaufman, one of the most overrated comedies of all time. Clayton Rickles, another overrated comedian.
Robert Limoncelli, you fucking name yourself, I have to go to a fucking two-sweet drink.
All you fucking, that's why people got their names from, from what they used to do for
living.
Your ancestors drank themselves on fucking sweet liquor.
Keith Nothing.
How do you not fucking know how to...
Mike Schmidt, your last season with the Phillies was a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... a... as local KS $10 a month. You, I have nothing bad to say. You're doing it right.
Jables, Bailey Granadeno, Aiden Murphy, and John Verbicus.
I want you to know that I hate Mexicans.
Jesus Christ, I'm just messing it.
And Wesley, he stands by and says,
I'm Wallace.
Sound like he should be an Ask Car Racer.
And finally, Wesley Hula-Bky, I have to think for a second that I forgot about Pollocks
when I thought about the whites, but it stands.
You look better than the Italians.
And that's the shout out.
So one time shout outs.
I want to thank everybody in the chat today, all the ladybugs.
Thanks for tuning in.
Patreon.com, Sasha Robert Kelly. Thanks for being in. Patreon.com, Sasharabakali.
Thanks for being a member of this.
I hope you liked this episode.
I can't believe I'm back in the studio.
I'm above the comedy seller.
I'm here with fucking Ari, one of my favorite people
on the planet, and we did it.
We're back.
Mush.
Mush is back.
We got one mush today, too, which is great.
Yeah, we got one mush.
That's awesome.
One mush.
That was the original one loaf of
a song that they never cut on.
Now I'm gonna go get some food.
I haven't gotten food in the city in a year and a half.
Wow, really?
No, I haven't eaten here.
I'm so excited.
The bomb pandemic is over there.
Make sure you go subscribe, like, and leave a comment
on the YouTube channel and make sure you check
out Mike V. Schwarez.
Also, it's a hashtag I want to get going.
Yes.
Stop Asian freight.
It's about Chinese people are trying to like get undercut our freight shipping costs here
in America.
I mean, I don't know if that's true.
I don't know if that's true.
Ari Shifu.
So it's another hashtag stop Asian hate.
There's a lot of homeless people in the hate that are Asian
and they're trying to get them off the street.
It's really a suquality.
I don't see that's not, I don't know if that might not be real.
So ever watching this, Ari has a Patreon.
Please go check it out.
Patreon.com slash R.E.S.
Spirit.
Don't forget stop Asian late.
We go trying to get watches to people in Chinatown
because they're constantly missing the point.
Yeah, okay. Listen, I don't know about that, but make sure you go check his page around.
His podcast, he's one of the fucking rarest motherfuckers in the biz and one of the
funniest in the biz. Check him out. Thanks for watching.
And don't forget Stop Asian Weight. We're trying a lot of people, especially Koreans,
are getting fatter than ever and really trying to like get the heart disease down.
So still forget about Stop Asian Weight.
See you guys next time on You Know What Dude. See you later. con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca.
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