Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Bert Kreischer, Rick Glassman, Greg Stone | You Know Me

Episode Date: April 3, 2022

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Activia es único, porque a diferencia de otros, activia ha demostrado que sus millones de probióticos naturales llegan vivos a la microbiota. Y además ayuda a tu salud digestiva. Activia. ¿Sueñas con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de post-grato en el extranjero, de la Fundación La Caixa, puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve.

Solicitate veca en fundación lacaixa.org. Buscas contenido gratis. ¡Au, wanna be see! Pluto TV es el servicio de streaming gratuito con series como South Park o Sensación de Vivir. Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. Yes, the back of the white KWD podcast White KWD's back again Old school back in the day Where it all started before them all

White KWD's podcast is so fun and crazy And there's no rules Shut up, you ruining this Perfect for a hammer man I'm so sorry It's a comedy podcast This is an NPR That's the part that does

Is there any better show? This is the original Original is it NPR? That's the TARCAT does. Is there any better show? This is the original original. All right. All right. What's up everybody? We're back. It's Tuesday.

It's, you know what, dude, live for Patreon only Patreon.com. That's Robert Kelly. So welcome everybody in the chat. It's good to see you, Ladybugs. Back again. Hi. Is this a close up of me, new Nikki? Thank you. I've been waiting for this my whole life. And also if you're watching this on Sunday, Sunday, it's free. And that's cool too. Just subscribe. That's it. Hit subscribe, like, comment. I don't care what you say. Thumbs it up.

And there you go. That's all you gotta do. And this show we're back, I'm very excited about this show. I have a new friend, I have an old friend, and I have a really old friend. And I don't know if I, I mean, I wouldn't really be friends with any of these people, but for the love of comedy,

they're very funny people and they're very interesting people. And I am very excited to have them on. I'm excited to have new Nikki right now introduce the show. This is like, it's such a great show tonight. I'm excited. I'm excited for a week. I know, I'm sorry, I'm excited for a day and a half. A day and a half, I know I'm sorry I would set it for a day and a half. A day and

a half I've been like, well, fucking yes. Two days I was excited for like three hours last Thursday. I was like, oh, it's gonna be a great show. And then it went away. And then yes today and today. So here we go. New Nikki introduced the show. We have Greg Stone. Who you know I

love? Yeah. Am I the new friend? The old friend or the middle friend? Do the old friend, which is the middle friend. Am I? Yeah, I think I'd love to be an old friend. You see the old old friend or the old friend? Not the old old friend, you're the old friend. Oh, I'm the middle friend.

Yes, because Nicky introduced our other guest. And we have Rick Glassman. Do you do that because you forget your guest's name? No, yes. But not your name, you know, I know your name and I know his name. But now it's just easier to do it every week. It's in there. So if I ever do, I don't have to worry about it and then I have to think about it.

But no. Yeah, this is my new friend. Oh, very good. What did you as me? Dude, we met a couple months ago. A couple months ago. In my hotel room. All right, let's set up a store.

Let's tell them the rest of it. You can tell them. Nikki, do the whole podcast. Yeah, Nikki, just come over here. Sit down. Be Gabby. Um, yes, we met. He called me. What is it? Email or DM? DM. DM me. Stay Larson introduced us. Slit up in my DMs. J. Austin slid in my DMs like he does a lot. I met with you first and then he said, Hey, check your DMs. Yeah, check my DMs and I checked and it was him and he told me to, he said,

Hey, would you like to do this podcast? And I don't really do that shit. Yeah, I know, check your phone message. There's 15 messages for me being like, Bobby, when you can't do my podcast. Get Jay Larson, hit him up. I swear to God, furious. That's old old man.

That won't work. You know, because can I tell you why? Why? Because he was in, he was in Manhattan at a hotel. You live in fucking Queens. We do it here in your studio. Oh shit. I'll go to your house.

And I only want to do it. Because I love you. Yes, I do it here. What's your podcast? It's called Friday night Greg, Friday night energy on a Wednesday morning. It happens every, it happens, it comes on every every Wednesday and he's the like owner of it like it's for his network Why don't you do make this his podcast new Nikki introduce us?

Put on your channel everybody welcome to Friday night Greg Friday energy and a Wednesday morning I mean with two great guys two new friends an old friend and a new friend. Where are you looking? I'm looking at the camera That's your camera. Oh, I just there in the bright light. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, that's not do E.T. Look in the camera. That's why he doesn't have. Sure.

Go ahead. I've got a lot of listeners. Well, that's why he doesn't have what? That's not what I was gonna say. I was not gonna say that. I was not, that's why you don't have your own network as I was gonna say that because you did look in the camera

and you went to listeners. What the fuck is that? I've got over 45 listeners. I know exactly how many listens you have. look at the camera and you went to listeners, what the fuck is that? That's about over 45 listeners. I know exactly how many listens you have. I know you do. Yes. Bobby. Yes sir.

Bobby, is the reason you did my podcast because I was in New York or because is his podcast not picking up for you? No, I don't care about the bigness. I should. People tell me that's the way to go. To care about the bigness. People say that you should do a podcast

that's bigger than yours or the same as yours, and that's how you get bigger in your podcast. It's kind of like dating somebody who's as good looking as you are better. Right, which would, yeah, that would be easy for me to do, especially in Jersey. Oh. My podcast does pretty well.

Your podcast does great. I'll do your podcast. Yeah. Okay. Will you bring it to my house? Yeah. It's getting nice out. Here it is, dude.

Here's the problem. I will do you a podcast. All right, when Thursday. There's a Thursday, dude. I got the cross. My son has the cross. Yeah, you don't, your son does. I have to go.

What could you do before or after lacrosse? How about that? Whenever lacrosse is right there. So you probably have a two hour window where you could record this, right? No. Oh, you're telling me you could do it any time of the day Well, there you go are you my new friend or you his new friend?

I just that's all I want to know are you my new friend or you his new tell him you don't want to do it or tell him you'll do it Yeah, I'll do it Thursday it is I can't I can we can you come to my house Thursday? Dude I'll come here. Have you have a car? I got three cars. Why? Three. Because that's how good the podcast is. Three Subaru's.

I have a 1990, a 2010, and a 2020. He has a new Subaru, an old Subaru, and an old old Subaru. We'll be right back after it works for Marshall Rugg Gallery. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, son of a bitch. You'll cut to it again. I will. Listen, dude, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, a practice. Oh good. How about that? I remember his name. It's unbelievable. But you're the king of remembering stuff and coming up with acronyms. K-O-A's. Yes. And you, yeah, that's good. T-Y-G. It's crazy. What? I see. Holy, H-S. You're hurting my brain. Well, I'll stop. Don't. D. Listen to me. I know we don't

know each other, but don't ever stop. D-I-S. D-E-S. I spelled ever wrong. I didn't get the accurate one. I can't even spell one. One. What do you mean? Like, I'm not even good at spelling. Who's good at spelling? I don't know, but you could do the first letter in every word. I can, because I could spell the first, it's easy to spell the first letter word. E-T-S-T-F-L-O-A-W. I just trust you. I just have to trust you. There's no way for me to check this. I knew you guys were gonna hit it off.

It makes me so happy. I knew it. I just knew you guys were gonna hit it. So you were talking about how special my podcast is? He's a great host. Yeah, she's a great host. You can see the other guy. I don't know where to use that.

It's a very time. Yeah. He's very fun, right? Yeah. Thanks. It is very fun to be around. I'm also jammed up. What? A little jammed up, thanks. He's very fun to be around. I'm also jamming. What?

A little jammed up, baby. What? Oh, tequila dogs. What's a kid? What's that? It's a tequila with a little bit of dog in it. I don't know. What's a tequila dog sounds like just a drunk way of doing that joke?

You got up dog on your shoulder. What's up dog? What's a tequila dog? What's a tequila dog? What? Edit this out. Oh, I say, go ahead. What are you saying? What are you saying right now? I'm saying, I got a little tequila What? Oh, edit this out. Oh, I think- What are you saying? This is Patreon only.

What are you saying right now? I'm saying I got a little tequila in me. You drunk. I'm drunk. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm drunk. I thought you were sober. What I love you.

I'm a sober, I'm a baby. Oh, yeah. That's all. That's the only thing. Only time you should be sober, you have a child. But if you're not worried about that, but like going home tonight and something happens and you're a fucking shit face. Yeah, I'll drive his ass.

I'll drive his ass. You drive his ass? I'll drive his ass. I don't know about that. If he comes home, right, and things aren't going well, and he's a little drunk, and if there's an issue, I'll drive his ass. Yeah, if you just drive his ass, what is driving in the ass?

How is that? You're talking about gay sex. No. That's wonderful. That's not what I'm talking about. I think you're not supposed to call it gay sex. I think you're just supposed to call it sex. Yes, especially gay. It's just sex. It about gay sex. No. That's wonderful. I think you're not supposed to call it gay sex. I think you're just supposed to call it sex. Yes, especially gay. It's just sex.

It's sex. We're talking about your son. Yes. So we're driving his ass to the hospital. Add that word in. ATWI. So, that's a great button. If we can't come to anything funny,

you just hit it with that. Well, we can't. We ride it. This is kind of it. I do worry. I gotta take something. I got to took something. Like I took an edible. I took an edible and then what are you doing?

What what's happening? Well, this is Eleanor. Oh God bless. You know Eleanor. Hello Eleanor. From the Eleanor show. She should go to the air. Hang on hang on.

Hello, you're I have to tell you you're on the air right now. You're on my podcast. Oh the fuck uses a is a Christy, McNichol reference. How many more hours before you're dead? Oh, I know, Eleanor. I didn't know what you Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor.

Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. You know, Eleanor. You know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor.

Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you know, Eleanor. Eleanor, you you? Why can't you answer when you when you it's me? Why don't you do that? Cause I like you. He said, Rick just said, wrap it up. Hi, nobody likes Rick. Well, listen, are you back? Are you back in the East Coast? You're still in the West Coast. I'm in Philly. I'm in the East Coast. Uh, dirty Philly people. You and Will Smith smacking people, just trash people.

All right. We're not smacking people. We're not smackers. You don't know what happened. All right, listen, I'll call you after, all right? Love you, bye. Bye, bye. What happened with Will?

God forbid we said Greg Stone was also here at the La Vellanore. I'm sorry. Hang on one second, please. Okay, come up, buzzer. Do you guys just keep this part in or do you do like it fast forward? No, we keep all this in.

That's why we're, we're, Isaac, we plateaued in 2011. Go down and get him, please. Rick, where are you from? Cleveland. Where are my arms tired? Cleveland, I live in Los Angeles now though. Yeah.

You loving it? Yeah. Sunny. Yeah. I'm not a great host. Are you talking about the weather or were you doing an impression of a classic grandpa? It was talking about your disposition. Sunny. Friendly.

Yeah. Wild boy at horse. No. Silly boy. Silly boy. Not a wild boy. Love a silly guy. Not a party guy.

Right. But I like silly. I think what silly is a not a wild boy. Love a silly guy, not a party guy. Right, but I like silly. I think what silly is a form of wildness. Who said that? I did. Just now. I think Dudley Morrison. You know what? I think Dudley Morrison, that.

Be grave just gave me the middle finger. You're in your pocket. Let me just give you a thousand dollars. No, I wouldn't do that. You wouldn't give somebody a thousand dollars, if you are multi-millionaire, you wouldn't just do- I've given people a thousand dollars before, but not just for the hell of it. You wouldn't give somebody a thousand dollars, if you are a multi-millionaire, you wouldn't just do, Oh, I've given people a thousand dollars before, but not just for the hell of it.

You've given it fourth something. Yeah, they needed it. If you are a multi-millionaire, would you give people, I give people 20s once in a while. Yeah. Or like a tip or just, No, just walk up a, hey man, take this.

Like regular people too. Like lady at the supermarket. What makes somebody regular? Um, not, they have shoes. Shoes is a big part. Tryin'. They haven't shit their pants or pissed their pants? You know, it's funny that you say that

because I think of regular as being able to shit your pants because I've been struggling with poops. You were struggling with poops. I haven't had a good poops since we last seen each other. No. My arms. No. No, they're fine, unrelated.

But yeah, I've been taking taking I do a lot of fiber But I was only doing it once a day and I do it three to four times a day now really my kid has poop problems Yeah, since I left you. Did you have a poop thing? Did you give me something? What is poop problem? I saw he can't poop He's he's Autism, maybe he did I don't know I don't think so so. He's autism, a constipation, a form of... You know what I'm trying to say. I don't, go ahead. Ha ha ha.

Is autism is fucking, constipation, a symbol of... A symbol? You know what I mean, when you go, don't get nervous. He's a nine. He's not nervous. He's nervous.

I'm hammered. You're nervous and you're stuttering. Rick is a nice guy. He's my new friend and you've been barrising me. In all fairness, I love Rick. I just met him and I'm gonna be up. Look, I don't know. I don't think you think a look of you is a liar.

So go ahead. I don't know. Rick's, if Rick is a famous person, I'm so happy to hear it, but I'm just meeting him for the first time now and I loving him, but I don't, nothing was coming pre. I don't want to sound whatever.

I'm not nervous because I've only, you get upset. I'm not trying to. I'm with Rick now, I don't, nothing was coming pre. I don't want to sound whatever. I'm not nervous because I've only, you get what I'm saying. No, I'm not trying to. I'm a trick now, I don't know what you're saying, but I love you. Hey, Bobby, give him a beat. I feel like you could rap it a little better. Yeah, I love ricks. Just met him, you know.

Don't know what he's famous from. He seems sweeps, he's got great glasses. I heard a sh-take off my fucking shoes. I love missing ricks. I love fucking risk So now I really nervous This is a hook now. This is me kind of guys hook now. Same Rick Rick

Rick take the clothes off Rick Rick Rick Take the clothes off. We'll be right back again after a word for martial right gallery Thank you. There you go. Yeah, brother. I'm hammered. That's what I'm trying to say That's what I'm trying to say here. I mean, can I just stop that was pretty good. Yeah, I mean the bee boxing was fucking I mean phenomenal the bee box you say give me a beat and I did right

I thought it was a machine. It was pretty amazing pretty fucking and the song was great Awesome, but without me you got nothing. Well, no, it would have been cool, like spoken word. I don't know about that. My eyes, glimmer, in the mirror, in the sunlight sky. I can't understand the difference between right and wrong. Don't stop, please don't stop. Understanding heaven and hell is a mindset, your love, whether I rise up, fall down, go below or above.

My heart speaks, my mind reeks, because running through the sliver of my mind is nothing more than my voice can't speak. Words come to mind, but my mind gets tongue tied when the lies of my tongue when I ride, when I thrive, rhythm ain't nothing but timing. But some times rhyming. Balls flat. Perfect. That was fucking let me say this. Do you have enough money to buy me a new heart? We'll be right back with Marshall carpet one rug gallery commercial.

Oh, everybody. You think about her bucks? No, 50 bucks. Yeah. I'm gonna take that. Do not not take that. You'll be insulting him from his people. His people. Real quick. I just want to, I think I know what you're saying. You're just saying because from Los Angeles, it's probably been that way. Absolutely, absolutely. That's what you meant by that. West Coast people, they give you money, you have to take it. Yeah, why'd you think that?

I was just making sure that it's actually really sweet. Yeah. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that.

I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that's probably been absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's what you meant. West Coast people, they give you money. You have to take it. Yeah. Why'd you think I was just making sure that's actually really sweet. Yeah.

I got a group. Give me a big. Hundo. There's, I knew there was a wage gap. What would you rather, 100? Give me the 50 back. I took the 50 back. You have to take it. The call and bang you shrapnel after this. Now you got my 50.

That's who Iam off everybody. In all the fairness, I was going to, I was going to pay you $50 or something on this podcast. I was just looking for it. What are you gonna do? No, I can't. Yeah, he's got a 50, you can give him 100

and get the 50 back, make change. You missed the physical comedy gag. Yeah, boom, check the room. Boom, boom, boom, boom. What? No. Is it a physical comedy gag? Yes, I'm sorry, fuck it.

I'm sorry. It's hard to keep up with you two. You guys are very quick. Well, let the room. Boom, boom, boom. What? No, let's go comedy gag. Yes, I'm sorry, fuck it. I'm sorry. This is hard to keep up with you two. You guys are very quick. Well, let's relax. This is the most fun I've ever had in my life. Maybe you should drink more or is it us? It's you guys.

Yeah. It's a little bit of this, but it's mostly that. I come people say that New York comics are always like, eh, fuck my bitch and eat my dick. Fuck you talking about. Like that. What's that about? The fuck, you know, what the fuck, fuck the fuck fuck you how's that go fuck yourself we ain't like that we're gonna bring that up break I just got this guy thinking I don't fucking no fucking

cock sucker up here telling me this and that and the other thing we're having a big bang oh shit look at this oh yeah what's up I know I know you I know you know with Joe Russell Joe Russell is a film crew follow-up. I don't love being on camera if you don't mind No, no, I was just talking this whole thing on camera Dude I got nervous you said at the him and I got scared Oh, I gotta say this I'm trying to say we can't talk about the Will Smith thing because of this legal shit It's going on with me. You'll the fuck up. It's fine Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha They have an over-relay ship. They have sent another people. But he just shut that off. Because Burke can't do any of that. Last night, did you hear him fucking pass? Oscar's. Will Smith got up.

Slap Chris Rock across the face. Which one's Chris Rock? Chris Rock is a black fella. He does comedian. Oh, Chris Rock, the comedian. Yeah. Why does he have to be black? He doesn't have to be black.

He chose that when he was born. Everyone knows that. He chose to be black. Look who showed up. Look at you, Baba. Everybody. I am. Fatty.

I've ever been 65 is my height. What is you? 265 is my height. I'm a two. We couldn't even fight in the UFC. I. Of real? Yeah.

We were able to fight in the. There's a maximum. Yeah. Well, for weight. Yeah. I'm in. Well, when you think I met for a per-maj. No, I, for weight, yeah. I'm in, I'm a super permaj. No, I thought you meant my son.

I thought you could make son's name as maximum. I gotta keep up with you. You're very fast. Can't hear you and two people your headphones on. Yes. That felt very real to me, because I couldn't hear him. Yeah, Liz, you ever give it up for Burke, right? I'm gonna keep it scooting over.

Thank you. You guys know each other, right? I appreciate that. Oh, good. You got 100. I feel, you got 100, take it. No, it's insulting not to take it. You got 100. I feel you got 100 take it. No, it's insulting not to take it. You have to take it.

You have to take it. He's like, I'm COVID, I don't want it. I just tested before I came and boy, my arms tired. This is good. This is good. But the Marshall Crop at one rug gallery commercial. Have you ever seen his podcast? I've been on it.

It's been all over his mic. That's why we set you over there. Have you been on it? I have. I came to go see you. January and I brought all my I brought all my equipment all my cameras my microphones Everything and I set it up in the hotel and I did a Mark Norman and Bobby Bobby Kelly and we met for the first time in my hotel. Yeah, really. Yeah, great. Why did you say that like no? Two of the most complex people I know in the world right now. Gettle and we meshed. I mean, I literally can't believe it. We I the second there was one minute of

Yeah, you had a stomach ache I love me. It's adorable. We get along great. I mean, it was I mean We get along. Yeah, it's very easy person to get along with. I'm the is adorable. We get along great. I mean it was I mean we get along Yeah, he's very easy person to get along with I'm the bad one. No, what are you saying? What the fuck are you saying, but What the fuck is that me? I thought we're both complex. I'm more complex. What makes him come? I actually think of this and I mean this in the worst way I think of him is very simple. Yeah, yeah

No, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like simple jack. Bobby like food, Bobby eat food. No, Bobby is, how is he complex? First of all, he's a, he's a sensitive guy. Everything about Bobby is a, an anomaly. He's a sensitive guy. I have to think all this is a compliment. A tough guy's body, right? So he was always giving a tough guy's body a tough guy's face.

He had tough guy hair. He's a very, very sensitive dude. Tone. I have toned issues too. He sounds, I hope this is the right thing. I have to. When he talks, when he talks, I have no choices in my podcast. No, I hope you, I hope this doesn't come as an incident. No, it's not, I have to take it all as a compliment. But go ahead. When he talks, he's sound stupid, but he's very smart. So that, that actually, I don't take it.

Yeah, I don't think that's a compliment. That's actually mean. No, no, no, when you talk, because your accent's like, they're fucking dead, they're dead. Boston. Yeah, yeah. You and Bert don't sound like you should be intelligent. It's like, if you heard Bill Burr as your doctor,

you'd be like, I want a second opinion. My friend is getting mad. You're making my new friend mad. I think he sounds, I don't think he sounds stupid. I think you sound regular. You sound smart and I don't need to know anything, right? When you talk, you sound smart. Correct.

Yeah, with those glasses. It's a big deal. The glasses are the way I sound. It's because you articulate all your words. Like, you sound like I'm articulating. You sound like you're doing your words. Like, it's not like I'm articulating. It sounds like you're doing a prank. I think Donald's right. No, I don't sound that smart.

Ice with coconut. So like like a like, like, Dak Shepherd, right? This is, once again, not to mean an insult, but Dak Shepherd is not. He's not a lot of insults. It's not, doesn't sound very smart when he talks. You sound stupid.

You sound like a robot. And this guy sounds queer. Not the sound. It's healthy. I'll be right back with the Marshall carpet one and rug gallery look the camera and snap there you go Marshall one and rug gallery snap for me bang We go on great. It's always on we get along great. Are we really did? I think it's interesting It's it's it is interesting. I think that's the call it interesting. You know, it's interesting

Yeah, it just doesn't seem like that We said about the trans swimmer. What? I'm just talking about this fucking trans swimmer. Is that the person who smacked? Is that who smacked somebody smacked somebody? No, no, no, no, yeah, the trans the trans were a smack will smacked will smacked will smith at the Oscars. Yep both hands in a butterfly Oh my god, Hey, I'm Greg. Oh, Greg, you're one of my favorites. You should know him. You guys, you guys.

Oh, I love you. Very similar. Very sweet. Very sweet. Inside, happy, fun loving people. You look into my soul when you say that. Yeah, if you think I'm not gonna cry, I will. Don't.

Don't cry today. I cried today. Do you? I'm not gonna cry, I will. Don't cry today. Don't cry today. Do you cry today? Yeah. I cried today too. What you cry? I cried at Mark Norman's podcast talking about the time travel of John Traveller's wife.

You what? I cried doing a podcast with Mark Norman talking about the time traveler's wife. What's the time traveler's wife? I can't talk about it because I'll cry. Dude, I don't know what it is. You can do it. You can do it.

Look at me. You won't cry. I watched. What is it? It's can do it. You can do it. Look at me. You won't cry. I watched. What is it? It's a movie about a guy who time travels. He's a genetic mutation where he time travels. He can't control it. And he's trying to have a relationship with a woman,

but he's always gone, which connects with every comic who's always on the road trying to have a, and then he has a kid and then he dies. And at the end when he dies and not spoiler alert. You said that at the wrong time, as if you're the time traveler, as if the audience is hearing the end of it first. I would love to time travel.

Well, I'll have a couple more of these. You time travel. It's a beautiful movie. There's many a night. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love one of my favorite movies ever. There's another movie that with Rachel make atoms the time traveling one. What is that one?

That's that's called in in time in time. I've seen that too. That's so fucking good. It's my video game. Oh, yeah, you got one too. I got one too. This is mine done. No, no, no.

Yours is over there, but yours looks like a stunt guy too. He is he is. Can I tell you he has the most amazing stories and he cannot tell a story to save. He cannot tell a story to save his fucking life and the most engaging stories we are like, dude, if I had that story, tell me one of the stories, that's tell me one of the stories. I'm going to fuck it up because the, because the accuracy of it, I'm sure he was in Africa, he was, he's a cameraman, shooting 10 most deadliest snakes for a TV show for discovery. Right. So like all right, we got all 10 snakes here We're just gonna take you into the different places in their natural habitat. We're gonna release them

Then we're going to shoot them as if we caught them We'll catch them. We'll put them back in the bag and then we're done easy peasy black momba one of them What man? What was it? What were the snakes, man? See? A black hunter Black Mamba one of them. What, man, what were the snakes, man? See? Yeah, it was a black, a black editor. Got it. Spitting cobra. Spitting cobra. Spitting cobra. You got some spinning, see how he can't help.

You would hate those. You would hate those. This is how he can't tell a story. It was a spinning cobra. Yeah. So they go out to the desert. They drive four hours out into the desert, so they're nice and clean. You know, no, nothing around.

I'm like, all right, here we go. Everyone's set up. Everyone's on sticks. They open the, all right, here we go. Everyone's set up, everyone's on sticks. They open the bag, the snake hits the ground, takes off over the truck and slides up into the rigging of the truck. And they're like, all right, fuck. Can anyone look up and see if they can see the snake?

And they're like, it's a spinning cobra. No one's looking, they're like, okay. So what do you guys want to do? And they're like, what? It's just wait. You kill it. You drive away. And you wave through a fall. They wait, they wait for four hours until the sun sets. At which point, they're like, we can't sit here in the desert, spend the night waiting for a spitting cobra to come out. They're like everyone in the Jeep. Let's just drive home. There's a spitting cobra to come out. They're like everyone in the Jeep. Let's just drive home. There's a spitting cobra inside the Jeep. They all get in and how long was the drive,

a four hour drive out of the desert to a camp. They don't see the cobra for the entire time, to a camp where they have open air tents and they park the Jeep and they're like, let's just go to bed and hope this spitting cobra doesn't slide out and kill one of us. But when he tells the story, it's amazing what people focus on in the story.

He's like, I was like, I had this great camera. It's a new camera. There's a lot of people on the app. You're like, you'll come here for a second. What's your name? John Mans. John Mans, come here. Sam right here.

Can I hand some devil, huh? Of course, I just want his hair. I'll just retell that story from the beginning. Just try. OK, OK. Look at that camera. Are we from the beginning. Just try. OK, OK. Look at that camera. We're using both stories. It's not bad.

It's going to be OK. Yeah, we caught a spitting cobra, and we released it. We had to get a shot of it on the ground. It came right at us. I was shooting the wide shot. This is the boring part. What? No one just touched about the wide shot.

What lens were you using? You have the charisma of a foot. All right, I was sitting in the white shot. Come here, come here. He climbed. You have a brilliant smile, but you really should let Bertu all your story teller. He climbed El Capitan.

The same as Frisello guy. He climbed it with like three other people. Six months ago. Shitting in bags. Your son was born. Carrying the shit up with Yeah, and you go man. How was it news? I always says is it fucking sucked He climbed out captain Bobby Rick if you Everyone Greg Greg Greg if you if you climb down captain, right?

If you climb down captain how many days did it take five days you shitting bags in a harness the whole time? Slept on on on the side of the mountain on the side of the mountain And boy were my and boy were my legs tied So we're right back at Marsha proper one and rug gallery He we're back he can't tell the story of it. It just his brain doesn't work that way Some people are to to live in the in the like literal where they're Yeah, and you're like like lian's like that. Leanne can't tell stories. They were fucking like come on Can I tell a story that that reminded me of please? Thank you

But first it was called it's called about time with downhill gleeson. Okay. Sorry fantastic such a great fucking movie Oh, I don't know what you're talking you're going on the pedal pedal ton Greg what are you doing? So When I first moved to California, I was driving to the comedy store. Do you know the area? We went in the valley so you go up at Laura, Danny and Mojoland you go down Yeah, when you get up to Mojoland, there's a moment where there's a couple lanes and it goes into one right in the moment There's a couple lanes. I saw

Millipede, something thick. One of the ones that is just get the fuck away. Poisonous. Are they? Keep going. I don't know how to tell a story. I like the high end. I don't even know the point.

I like what it makes it better. You know what? Peach meet. Let me try this. And also I can get rid of when I first moved here. A relevant. Keep doing this. All right.

Okay. A while ago, I'm driving up Laurel Canyon to Mohawk. I'm going to car you in. That. A while ago I'm driving. I'm driving up Laurel Canyon to Mohawk. I'm going to car you in. That matters. So people can picture it. I want to picture. I want to know is it hot? Are you broke? Are the windows down? Perfect. Actually, you know what? With those details, it matters that I did just move because I'm going to go park at my, I'll tell you. Okay. I like it. I like it. Just moved to California. I'm driving my grandpa's Ford focus. Oh, what such a bad score. Love it. Okay, I'm in a Ford. Do I do that stuff or do I just keep going?

No, keep going. No, keep going. Millipede, which by the way, you know, in California, the Poisonous. What? Fucking you're killing this. What? Poisonous Millipede goes across the windshield. Try.

Yeah, hell yeah. Some bad comments. I would say, can I just say, I would say I heard it first, didn't know what it was. Yes, yes, I got I got it. All right. I just moved to California I'm driving my grandpa's Ford focus. It's like 10 years old a millipede obviously. Sorry cut Start it over just drove to California. I got my 10-year-old Ford focus at my grandpa game. Yeah. Oh my god I'm going up Mohaaland on the way to the comedy store one of the first times I've ever performed there I'm parking at my uncle's house because I can't even afford the parking right and as I'm going over the hill I hear Oh, no, what the fuck what the fuck right? So I you know me yeah, yeah, I'm just a guy. Yeah, okay

I think you know, it's probably it's probably a some of the pussy. I just fucked in the back See Lainable next it up baby And I ignored it and then all of a sudden I And then all of a sudden I Look across fucking millipede eyes of my dick Going across the windshield and now there's poison so so I'm you know me. Yeah, I'm freaking out I'm terrified. I'm terrified of bug noises. I couldn't almost do this impression

Pull the car over in one of the lanes. Other cars are, Fiora Biori, Fort Focus's, Maziati's, or whatever they're called. Yeah, love a Maziati. So, I park and I don't know what to do. So I'm just standing out there. Nobody's coming to help.

Yes, you know, how do I punch that up? What do you say? Nobody's coming to help. Because I'm a white guy. But this is 10 years ago. This is 10 years ago. 10 years ago, people would. Oh, yeah, because because I'm my shirt off That's your thing. No, okay. I got it because I'm wearing a Nazi memory We're not see memorabilia because I'm in a Ford focus nobody helps because it's LA because it's LA And I don't have I don't have a nice car a big set of tits right? Oh

And 90 degrees out and we're in a sweater Because it's LA and I don't have I don't have a nice car or a big set of tits right people. Oh, okay 90 degrees out and we're in a sweater We'll see okay, I'll try it. Yeah, well I'm just shunner. So after after after about 10 minutes somebody pulls over You know, but you know we'll fix it post. Yeah, and what's going on? And I'm too embarrassed to tell him that I saw though poisonous. It's a mill millipede. It wasn't like, so I said, I saw a bug. It was really big. I think it was a tarantula. He, for, I mean, 15 to 20 minutes is going through, I'm standing outside the car. He's going through it.

And I'm a clean boy. At the time, I had a lot of papers and plastic. It was a, he took all these papers and stuff and put them, basically clean my car, put them in plastic bags to look for the stuff, puts everything in these, in two bags, he can't find the tranchilla, it made me think of the snake thing. Yeah.

And I didn't, I don't have money, I don't know how to think, if you want to come to the comedy store, just tell them your friends with me, but I don't even know if I'm getting on. So I don't know what to tell, I want them to think I'm a guy. Are you talking to the millipede or the guy? The millipede.

So anyway, I drove down the hill. I drove in and had the millipede in my... I don't know what to say. It was in the car. It was to this day, did? No. I haven't found it. Wait, wait.

Is that the end of the story? No, there's more, but I wanted to give it a good time to talk. Can I give you the ending? Yeah. wait. Is that the end of the story? No, there's more, but I wanted to give it a good time to talk. Can I please? Can I give you the ending? Yeah, okay. Here's the ending story. But do me a favor take it from the mid like carry it over so we could with this let me guy pull I he's in the he's in my car and he's literally cleaning my car top to bottom I mean the people at the car wash don't do this good job. Yeah, that's how good this guy is literally I'm like, hey, can you hit the trunk too? I think it was in the trunk. Good. He gets done. And I'm like, I got to get this guy something. And I so, so, hey, why don't you just come to the

comedy story and my head. I'm like, I'm not even performing the comedy story. He's like, what's your name? You're like, my name's Joe Rogan. And he's like, cool, man. That's about one. That's about one needs to be believable. My name's at the time. I'm a fast. You made us a cow co. Sebastian, man, a scalco. 10 years ago, I was believe a little. Rogan though. You could do it. Yeah. Okay. My name's Joe the time. I'm a fast. I'm a cow co. So fast you man is cow co. 10 years ago, I believe a little rouga though. You could do it. Yeah, okay. My name's Joe. You know what?

Then he said to me, oh no, go figure. The host of Fear Factor has me fucking looking for the tarantulas. You know, like that doesn't play. No, no, okay. So it needs to be someone who is underground at the time, but big enough, right? Let's just say Obama. Yeah, this was 2008 works.

2008. Obama does play. But go ahead. Someone who could get you in at the seller or get you in at the store, who get me in at the seller of the store in 2008. Rick Crom. Theo Van. Theo Van. No. Right. He was standing up at the top. Ari. No, it's got to be... Yeah, Ari. You're fliery.

I met him then. My name's Jim Jeffries. And I'm rapping. Oh, Jim Jeffries. Do it again. My name's Jim Jeffries. My name's Jim Jeffries. My name's Jim Jeffries.

All right, Mike. All right, Mike. I'll take another beer. All round the way. Okay. Say, Abberregionese. Okay, Mike. All right, Mike. I'll take another man. Oh, around the way. Okay. Stay good. Aborigines. Okay. Now, so my name is Jim Jeffery. Big enough name where you wouldn't know who he is, but he can get you into the store. He'll be on my, he'll be my guest on Take Your Shoes Off Podcast.

This coming Tuesday, dot com. My name's Jim Jeffery. He's like, okay, cool. So I go to the accent. No, no, he's already met him. Oh, sure. My name's Jim Jeffery's. So I go to the store that night. I go he's already met him. My name's Jim Jeffries. So I go to the store that night. I go into the hallway and who's the first person I see? Jim Jeffries.

And I'm like, block, he's on the list. Right. Behind me, I hear the guy going, no, no, I clean Jim Jeffries car. He said I'm on the list. Right. So I go over, and I'm gonna need help here. You have to do this. I'm gonna spend in place.

Listen, hold on, you have to say when I say egg over, then you have to like, say, and you know me. And you know me. Right. Right. Right. Right. And you know me, and you know me.

It's an aside though, like a parenthesis. I go over, you know me. I'm, you know, like, as if like, you don't have to finish the thing. You know me. I'm like, listen, listen, he's with Jim. I've just talked to Jim. He's with Jim. And the guy goes, oh, I didn't know you were Jim. I'm sorry. So he walks in and he's like hey man. We should go back and have a drink

I don't drink you know me. I don't know That was a good one. We go back to the back bar and we sit next to fucking Jim Jeffries. Oh fuck I'm now now that we're heightening it. So you got you the guy who thinks you're Jim Jeffries and Jim Jeffries all on the same room Bobby go Then all of a sudden this guy comes in he goes Jim your next We This is good. Hey, it's coming. I know I know you that's what I was about to do it Okay, and we both turn and you know me I panic I'm like oh my god, so this guy's like dude. I'm very excited to see you

So I say okay, give me a second. I'm gonna be right back. I have to go to the bathroom, because you know me, I gotta go to the bathroom all the time. So I run to the bathroom, I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out.

This is my first time there. I don't even know if I was gonna get on. There's a bug in my car. I can't get, because you know me, I can't even get that out of my head. Should he say, should he reach, reach established that it's a focus, for a focus, because the audience love it so much.

I got a bug in my focus. I can't even focus, cause I got a bug in my four. Yes. I got a focus, cause I got a bug. Shut the fuck up. All right. You shut the fuck up.

That's it. No, no, you ready for this? Oh, we're in the hallway. We're in the hallway. In the hallway. Yes. Well, he's in the bathroom. No, but I like no, I'm in the bathroom.

I'm in the bathroom. Also, all the sudden that come out. I know now, I'm going to be Chris. I'm going to toss it over. I'm going to toss it over. I'm going to toss it over. Now, I'm in, Greg is going to you. Okay, okay, okay.

I'm in the bathroom. I wash my hands in 17 times because you know me I go back out in the hallway everything's quiet The host is on stage about 20 hours. Jay Davis Jim The host is on stage about to announce Jim Jeffries and I see Jim standing there waiting to go on Jim's right to go on I look at my arm. I see a little welt. Oh, no, what is this? Well, oh my god I think I was bit I think I got bit by the milligram. What's it called milligram by the milligree's not coke Got bit by the milligram. All right. You're talking about how much venom came out. Yeah, a milling of venom at least Perth wants back in this fucking tank. I want I want in the venom at least. I'm perfect. It's back in this fucking

daddy. I want I want in so bad. Get in daddy. Go ahead. I look down. I don't give a fuck about all my arm. Daddy. And I instantly realize I've been confusing millipedes with centipedes. And I see the bug. So I take it. I take it. And in a place I've never been more you know me. You know me. But I don't be out like me. I grab the bug and I put it on Jim Jeffries neck. Perfect. Yeah, I get it. Jim Jeffries. I love, hey man, I think you got something on your neck. He sees the bug, passes out.

I tapped the booker and said, I'm gonna go step in for Jim. He just passed out. I get on stage, I crush. So hard. ABC is in the room. Jim Jeffries gets a fucking development deal. That's how we got the show. That's how we got the show. Hey, that is another meaning to centipede in my car. I like to also say that that's exactly what I was going to say. So I like credit for it. Perfect. Perfect. I love I love the fucking

weaving. That's so much fun. That was a lot of fun. And if he told you're what's his name again? John Manzi. John Manzi, we were to Albany sleep. We were Albany. I don't like that mean comedy. That's not mean. It's a fact, fact comedy. Now I'm kidding Manzi, you're a good guy. Manzi, I thought that you're,

with the story you were telling was awesome, dude. Really? Yeah. Did you? Yeah, well go back and show what might, go show my face during that story. Clip this. Yeah, we're not doing any of that.

You two, I don't know. You have more money than my podcast team. We're not doing it. It's just gonna show that, right? Nicky, can we do that? She'll do it. It makes sense. The audience could imagine.

I was telling you before I want to tell this story and punch it up for me. I was here doing, you know me. I'm in New York to do the today show. And I'm being interviewed Al Roker and there's four of us. And where it's a show, Tom, he was on Prime as we see it. And it's a serious show and it's about autism.

And one of the questions, I'm sorry. Sorry, I did not make all of them. I'm sorry. Wow. As soon as he said autism, you were like, I'm like, hey, do you want Bert to tell the story? Yeah, you know, you can tell the story. All right, so I'm doing the good day show.

The good day show. The good day. The good day. I want to hear, by the way, I want to see this show. You look fucking awesome on it. Thanks, man. It's been out for two months. Also, come do my fucking podcast.

Oh, well, hey, don't be nervous. I'll be there. Hey, I don't like that mean shit. You knew you. Let me give you context. So I do the today show and my instincts for better or worse, whenever I'm doing anything in front of a camera, is it's like my podcast. And I kind of give a lot of notes and directions and ideas and pitching stuff. And I'm feeling nervous now. The energy.

Not a lot of it changed. Buddy, look at me. You're in your head, go. She felt like the energy changed. Yeah, I think it changed. We're listening. That's what happens when people listen. We look at you and we're waiting you to.

Is that what I'm feeling? Yes, people are listening right now. I don't know if I like that. Dude, you're following a millipopoison, fucking millipede Jim Jeffery story. I mean, it's a hard story to follow. Yeah, but this is more like an anecdote, not a comedy story. Look at me.

Good. We'll be right into it. We'll go. You fail. So it's Al Roker and there's four of us and it's very serious. And I got a little emotional during it. Some other people did. And one of the questions was when you're done, when people are done watching a show, what's

the one thing you want them to take from it? Everyone the answer in mine was, I would love for people to question things more, to not assume that somebody should be the expectations that I have, that way instead of someone being weird, I don't like them, it's, ooh, who is this person? Let me ask some questions.

Okay. And when we were done, I asked if I could switch seats with Al Roker, and I asked the producers that they were done and I say, can you make sure we keep the cameras going? And I wanted to sit in Al Roker's seat. So when it shows, when I say, you know, not everything as, as you think it might be, I wanted to cut to Al Roker's reaction shot.

And it's me sitting there with the cards and be like, right, yes, yes, yes, and cut back and Al laughs, obviously he doesn't think it's for real. But then I asked him to do it and they had to turn everything, they turned the lights back off, they did everything, I sat in and I did the thing and I asked the producers, hey, could you do this? And she's like, yeah, we'll see. I don't know if they'll use it. I'll be like, but she said, I'll pitch it.

I said, do me a favor. Don't pitch it. Put it in. Show that. If they don't like it, you don't use if they don't like it you don't use it you'll clip it you'll send it to me but if you're gonna do it do it on a not to something this is this is you know you'd be fun this is fun yeah and I was just really proud of the confidence I had to go on the today show and like

do my thing on it you know and do my little bit and it's good that's super cool man in Hollywood they call that difficult yeah I think I really think it's a fine line. I really think it's a fine line. I understand that. I will tell you I've done the today show a number of times I've done good morning America. That's what the number one thing I would not do. I think. Tell them how to make their show. That's like Jan Michael Vincent isn't working that much anymore. Number one thing I wouldn't, it's like someone going on your podcast going, I love that.

I don't do this. I love it, but you're, that's who you are. Can I say something? Well, you know me, Bert, because I'm spineless on those shows, he does that, he does that. I'm spineless on that stuff. I don't, I'm okay.

And then I've, how many times have I left going? Fuck, like even when I did the Tonight Show, I'm like doing the Tonight Show then I've, how many times have I left going? Fuck, even when I did the Tonight Show. I'm like, doing the Tonight Show, I might never do it again. Here I am doing it. I said, I want a cordless microphone. I mean, a cord microphone. Because if I don't have a cord microphone and I get nervous and I bomb,

like I did on the Carson Daily Show, I do this because I'm used to doing this. Like, you know, telling a joke and I go like this. On the costume daily though, I just started doing this, bombing, and I did it two times, not one, two, where I was just doing this for no reason. So I just wanted to avoid that. I go out and I'm like, I'm gonna say,

I wanna say, Questlove, give it up for Questlove, he smells like French toast. Because Questlove smells like French toast. Every time I've met him and hugged him, I'm like, you smell like French toast, andlove smells like French toast. Yeah. Every time I met him and hugged him, I'm like, you smell like French toast and it's amazing to me. And they were like, yeah, don't do that. They would you felt it would have been fun. I should have never said it.

I should have did it. Yes. Because I don't know if I'll ever be back on that show again. And I did it to kind of have that. I did it tonight, Joe thing. I know Questlove, great guy. I know. French toast. Delicious. I should have said something and I should have that, I did it tonight, Joe thing? I know Questlove, great guy. I know. Fresh toast.

Delicious. I should have said something, and I should have just went and did it. I didn't do it. I regret that to this day. Listen, then I didn't say Questlove, love ya. He smells like French toast. Can I take my plan?

This has been, I never give a shit about a late night credit. Then I got this in my head, and I said, this is what I'm doing. I don't give a shit about late night, but I decided I'm gonna apply for late night because all I want to do is when Jimmy Fallon goes ladies and gentlemen Greg Stone I wrote an entire act just so that the end I could walk up to him palm and fifty bucks I'm gonna palm and fifty bucks. I'm gonna go this is a great show. Don't worry about don't look at it I'm gonna tip Jimmy Fallon. No one has ever tipped a late night host

I'm not telling them I'm doing that but I'm greasing him all I never. I hope there's a comic right now listening to this and they get it next week. It's a steal. Well, it's something. But I'm saying you can't tell them. I mean, you just grease them. So here's the problem with all of these. Is that they, those people that are your handlers, know that show better than you know that show, right? Yeah. So like, so like there was the famous story is Carson. A guy has the greatest joke about suicide. And one of his handlers says it's his signature joke. You know the joke. I want to jump off a building. I'm afraid if it's too tall, building, I'll run out of breath. And as I jump, I'll be like, ha! It's a good joke.

Ha! Right? Five of the jokes. From the 80s. Great TV joke. They say, don't do it. And he goes, okay, I think I know better than you guys. And he does it. Not knowing Jimmy Carson's son had killed himself. Oh my God. And the guy career ruined. So it sounds like he did jump off. So, so you're saying that there could have been a huge French toast accident with Questlove.

And that's why he smells like Frank. He got burnt by his French toast. No, but no, but they theoretically yes. There might be some, that's why you got like, it seems like a great idea, but you gotta be at that place in your career where you can just go in and just go, hey, I'm gonna fuck everyone, I'll do whatever I want.

I'm at that place in my, I'm 51. I'm at that place. My career was okay, dude. It ain't working out. Let's, fuck everyone. I wanna pitch in on this here, because there's a difference between people asking you not to do something and crossing a boundary versus being too scared or not being too scared

to be playful and do stuff. There's it all comes out of this. It's not about it's not about the bit itself. It's about when you leave, did people enjoy you? Right. Now, you can't control that and it's hard to know and that's the skills that I've been working on for a while. But even if they don't use it, they're laughing, it's fun, it's different, it's not taking up 15 minutes,

it's four minutes. I think that there's, if people remember you and they like you and it's silly and it's different, listen, he has ideas that we're obviously never gonna use, but whenever he's around, it's just a fun time. I like that in people. I actually, I've done that on morning news, which is terrible usually.

I did one in Vegas with Virzy, and I told Virzy, I go, listen, when we go out there, you do all the talking. And then when I talk, when I finally say something, I want you to slap me and go, what I tell you? I want you to not let, you know. And he's like, what? What do you mean?

All right, just do it. Do it. We'll get more people to show them we would ever get if we sit there and give a regular. Yeah, we're going to be out the fucking. All right, thanks. And he did it. And it bombed. It didn't work.

But it was he literally I went, hey, he went, whack and he hit me and he goes, what I tell you. And you saw the guy go, whoa, it was hilarious. When you hear the camera guy laugh, that's to me is like, we did something. Now people did come to the show going, dude, I saw you slap each other on the fucking news. He wanted to laugh in which fucked a bit.

If he just kept Joe Pesci straight, it would have been awesome, But I think that's great. I had a guy in the face with a cake on the news once. He got a cake from my birthday and I just smushed in in his face. And they were like, what the fuck? And he laughed his ass off, thank God. But I think, don't you think that we get more people? You taking your shirt off, but it's just been validated to you.

These outrageous things and these things that are unusual that you shouldn't do in these places, that's the craft. If you're able to do them and be funny and likable during it, then it's just a win. Okay, so I did my showtime special. I love that you got a retort. I love that you got a retort. And when I was told,

I can't say that word anymore. By the head of showtime, I think you should wear a shirt. And I said, I said, I know that, but I, because he's seen you without it, so he thought you might wear a shirt. And I said, uh, I said, well, I know that, but I, I, he's seen you without it. So he thought you might not. It's a she that wow. It's a she. Wow. Well, I just know the head of showtime now. And so he's, this must have been a while ago. It was a while ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I just know that show time. By the way, I don't even know if she was the head of showtime. She just

might have been worked there. She worked there. Anyway, she, uh, she said, I think you should wear a shirt. And I said, I said, well, I haven't really performed with a shirt in like nine years. So I'm really uncomfortable in a shirt. And she goes, why don't we do one with a shirt, one without a shirt. And I was like, I know because you'll use the one with the shirt. And she goes, yeah, because I think you're giving people a reason to change the channel. Like, when you take your shirt off, there will be a big swath of our target audience. So it'll go, this isn't what I'm interested in at all. And I went, okay, I'm going to do it without a shirt. So I did the thing, right? And she was 100% accurate.

You should have did it. It was the lowest rated special showtime I'd ever done. Ever done. Well, there's an example of you being wrong. Yeah, but People are people and they could be wrong and I think that you need to hone your instincts and you learned and well Hold on now. I'm gonna argue your side of the fence So that story on it is I still post that story on Facebook and the machine story goes viral and because I'm shirtless I'm identifiable right and and what was was in a world where you are Caesar and you have a remote control and you get the programming presented to you and you get to go, liver die, liver die. That's changing the channel. I was pretty sure.

People change the channel. In a world where you get to choose your content based on a thumbnail, people are like, what the fuck is this? Why is this guy shirtless? And they click on it. So it's an interesting thing of, you know, I, my question is this. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You bit all this up to the interesting thing and you cut him off. This is the interesting thing. And you know me, I love an interesting thing. You know me, this is what I do. What's the interesting thing? You know what I do, fuck you. It's my show, go fuck yourself.

Okay. Ah, do you ever get cold? Yeah. Okay. That's all. Yep. I did Chicago when I was doing the outdoor festivals. Yeah.

And it was snowing and it was 23 degrees out. Okay. There we go. Back in. There you go. Thank you. Good. Edit that out.

No one knows me. What was the thing that was the most interesting part? I don't remember. I fucked up. I'm sorry, my brain is short. I have short things and when things come up, I have to ask them or I'll forget them. So I apologize. What was the thing? I don't really remember.

I don't remember. Stop it. I mean, seriously, I don't know. Sure. I know, I know. I don't know. You don't know time. Let's go thumbnail.

Thumbnail. I don't know. People. I guess you got to do your thing. Should be letter D. That's right. Yeah, you got to do your thing. Should we let her do it? That's right. Yeah, you got to do your thing. I think I do you listen, man. I disagree with everything now. I disagree with all my things. I said you and now I'm hearing. Listen, if you don't you said you don't cross somebody else's boundaries. If you're not making anyone's job harder or fucking up somebody else's bit stuff. Yeah. Do your fucking thing, man or woman

or those are the main two those are the main two there's other ones I feel bad but you're in the middle of a story no I don't know it's fine I don't think it was going anywhere let me ask you question you really you sent me a text message the other day and you brought it up today well being on the road and I had an incident today and it's been happened in a lot since my kids eight because he actually He was like do he didn't know I was going to do shows tonight and I've been gone I was on the road with Ari and big J4. Oh yeah, there go. Oh Yeah, I have a question. Yeah, are you ever cold?

Sometimes, but I wear I wear shirt Sorry, and I wear a side shirt because I'm a little jubby. What's a side shirt? A side shirt, you know, like this shirt. Oh, just a... It covers your side shirt. Yeah, because if I don't wear a side shirt and I wear a T-shirt, I look like an uppercase B

to most of the people in the crowd. And if you wear a side shirt, do you look like a lowercase B? It kind of straightens me out into a fat eye. Bobby, for your special, I'm so sorry, I got to throw this out there. Yes. You know how they feel multiple? Like, for one, have a toupee. For one millionth of a second on your special, I'm so sorry, I got to go this out there. Yes. You know how they feel multiple? You're like, for one, have a two pay. For one millionth of a second on your special, I want to see you in a two pay. Just where I have a wig for a second.

Just for one punch line. That's fun. Make no mention of it, two pay. Boom. Uh, he, he actually started like crying. Cause he's like, Dad, I got, you know, I have, I have a lacrosse thing. You haven't seen me, I haven't seen him play yet. I'll practice any but all the outfit and he got all the stuff

How do you board it and I'm like I exactly I was like dude I have to go to work tonight. I have to he's a give you in Detroit you know Still you would back for one day and he's I mean crying because he wants me to go See him play and I was almost like It's this Thursday, right? His game. I'm going Thursday. It's today. He has one today. His first thing with all the gear and he wanted it, you know, me to be there. And it, dude, I was like in my car, like fucking bubbling up, thinking about like, maybe I'll just fuck it. And yeah, it's a hard thing, man. It's hard being away from you.

You spend so much time creating a life that you, and then you were like, I love my life. I literally pull up in my car and I immediately start to smile because I can look into the window and see them doing shit. It's like a fucking weird movie. And you know, she's cooking and they're watching TV together and he's jumping around and then I see him see me and he fucking just runs and disappears. But I know he's coming around that corner and running up and he's like, and I did it. It fucking breaks

me up. I mean, I'm on the road with Big J and Ari having the time of my life and I can't stop thinking about, you know, my life. That's a hard thing, man. We were thought about according comedy and just living with them. Every day. Every day I think about. Really?

It's unfair, it's unfair to him. He doesn't understand this. But for his dad, I've been here a lot. It's unfair to him as his child, to not get the opportunity so his dad is working as hard as he can from to have for instance Right the lacrosse gear that he's putting on right that was that that bill was paid for by Podcasts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Which by the way to helixleap.com slash Tisso to save up the $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows Go online and take the two-minute sleep quiz You a slide sleeper a back sleeper firm soft cold hard. I'll tell you something I sleep on a helix and you see this energy I haven't slept in two days, but I'm so refreshed from my sleep back before I traveled here that's helix sleep.com Slash Tyso for up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows cut that out Not a sponsor mine. I don't get money. Well, you gave me hundred bucks. Put that back in. Yeah, you can be. Yeah, it kills me,

but when I hear about, dude, I see your, dude, you're on the road a lot. You're murdering it right now. You're the top touring comic, right? Does your family ever come? You never make your wife come? They did. You went for it, I mean, it was good. It was good. That was real. Yeah, it was good. It was good. And I know your wife and I know your house and it's fucking, I love it.

Your wife's the best and your house is the dogs, the house. Who's your partner new house? I know, I was at the old one with the pool. I mean, it's fucking great. It's the new one, the one that I saw. I don't know. In the valley where you have the side thing, I just don't want to like say where the side.

The side. Where we did it outside, the outside podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been to the new house. Beautiful. Pool. Yeah. Big pool.

Yeah. I think pool is something to me. I can 12 feet deep. I have a diving board. Great. How you doing, bud? I'm thinking about this under a bud. He just had a fucking 12 feet deep. I have a diving board. Great. How you doing, bud? I'm thinking about this under a bud. He just had a fucking kid six months ago tomorrow, six months,

brilliant. So he's at that beginning stages of it. And it's, I mean, dude, it's, it's, it's hard. Yeah. When you, when you build something you love and then you're going to leave it and you going to do it, but, you know, the thing is we do get to do way more stuff than, you know, I never had a dad, but, you know, we- So sorry.

Well, sorry, I have one, but he just, we- You get to live a very interesting life. And one day they become callous to it. And they're very, they're very like, you know, like if I say to the girls, you know, I'm heading out for the next month. Cause I stay out for a month, I stay out for the road on a month, for a month at a time.

So long time. Home for a week, I'm gone for a month. And it's amazing. It's got military shit right there. Yeah, and I know there's dudes, I know there's dudes in the military that do it way worse than I do. And they don't get all the luxuries I get. And they're not nearly as funny.

Yeah, probably. I love to see the comedians come home videos where the comedians are. They're about to do that. That's fucking. Oh my god. That's really, that's really fucking great. Yeah's fucking. Oh my God. That's really good. That's really fucking great. You hear that?

That's really fucking great content. The best smile I've ever seen by the way on here. No, that's really great. Now, let me finish that premise. I will talk. No, but that's a really great idea. My brain goes to promotion immediately. So I'm always about selling tickets.

Bobby, you do one where they blindfold your son and you come in and all everyone's like, oh, you're going, you give them hug. I'm like, oh, someone goes, are you guys, are you in the military? And you're like, no, next week, I'll be in the... Right, let me, let me, let me, let me punch that up. Please. So, and you have to have a military jacket. No, but he does it at the cross game. And he is one of the goalies, I don't know how the cross works,

but with a mask, like they don't know that he's playing against them. And he knocks him over or something. His kids do young, he's gonna look like fucking it. He'll wear a side shirt. He'll wear his extra side shirt. But you know, they normally do this when they're boxing or the karate stuff.

And then they're blindfolded and then the dad comes in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That, yeah. Oh, that's fun. That would be a funny promo. You take off the mask and your kids just like, yeah, I faced time you last night. There you go.

You should have my special, May 7th, St. Pete's. Where are you? Are we shooting in St. Pete? St. Pete, May 7th. No. What's that? Love McCurdy's. Coastal creatives.

It's a big space we're actually making it, you know, what I want. So, it's gotta be great. I can't wait. You're only doing one day? One day, two shows. I didn't want to do two days. I feel like the, I'm good under when my homework's done the next day.

I had a month to do it, and I gotta do it in two shows in one night. You like a second show? You have it in the second show? Yeah, I get it the first show and then the second show, I fuck around and have fun. That's what I've done. So. I did it.

I did secret time. I did two shows in Philly. First show. I remember telling my executive producer Tony Hernandez who I think you know what's the genre. And I told him I said I said he said do you ever bombs I'd done I was doing six shows at at six or seven shows at the drop drop drop drop an arrow and he goes and I I'm doing Wednesday Thursday Friday we're

filming Saturday and I am murdering yeah and he's like do you ever bomb and I go you know what it actually does happen it's random like I have one time I was in Australia and as I went to tell the Joker's Sydney Opera House as I went Tell the joke I stood on the mic cord and walked forward and the mic moved from my mouth and they didn't hear the punch line I go but I said never happens it happened on that first show with a truck. I bombed Hard at the truck. I bombed I bombed with an hour I had been doing for fucking 19 months and it just everything fucked up They were too drunk. It was raining the power everything went wrong, right? And then that last show is a show in my life. So the next time I go secret time Hey, baby boy. I'm gonna do four shows right four shows in Cleveland

First show bomb second show, okay. Look at the footage, there's fucking mustard on my pants. Hahaha. I had a hot dog in between and I had a fucking little mustard on my pants. So I go to the next show, first show's that, or the fucking bomb, late show, fucking, finally got it. I was like, motherfucker.

Where are Cleveland? I don't know it's my hometown. Is it no? Yeah, it is right. I don't know this fucking greatest. This is such a weird show. I love it. I just did Cleveland recently I love Cleveland. Yeah, I was gonna do my I did my special there. I like doing specials in places that I I was gonna do my, I did my special there. I like doing specials in places that, I don't like like LA or New York. I like a special place. I would love for you to do a special at my dad's rug store, Marshall Rugg Gallery.

I can't do Cleveland again. I've already done one in Cleveland. And I've also done this hour in Cleveland. How many of us have you done? This will be my, I'm saying it's film a special there. The rug store? Yeah, fifth. Fifth special. You could do your two pay-bit there. I'd store? Yeah, it's like our fifth. Fifth special.

You could do your two pay-bit there. I'd love to do my two pay-bit there. Rugs. Yeah, how many have you done? I've done one hour special. This one right? The one at the Villagena Ground, yeah. Was that Villagena Ground?

Villagena Ground, yeah. Because you couldn't shoot at cell. Technology wasn't there yet. So we shot it at the Villagena Ground. You needed that space. So but now you can do it. Everybody in their mother does special. I mean, a lot of specials.

Who's moms are being, uh, Rana's moms doing a special here, uh, Jo list moms, the special here. Uh, she's doing it on T2. I was in canon sponsoring it. Yeah, canon. Actually, yeah, mothers with cannons is called. Yeah, that's correct. Um, yeah, it was one of the loomics, but no, cannons is right.

Um, here's the thing about a special. I don't give a fuck where it is. You like to. Right. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't think we swear on this. What the fucking is my podcast? Oh, I thought you told I thought we were no you can't swear you. Oh, he can swear. Oh, thank God. You can't. Okay. We can we say the N word? Yes. Wow. All right, guys, I don't think that kind of stuff is funny. I just by even just by just making that okay,

even though I know you're joking. So thank you for having me so much. That's helixleap.com slash. I am. If he had commitment to the bit and walked out, that would be fucking hilarious Your friend again just commits he's just walked out he goes no seriously. I just need to get my $100 back from Yeah, it's gonna be hard getting it back from me

No, I didn't know you needed that's fine. No I lived the way right to myself a theme. Do you need it? Do you need a few sons lacrosse? Yeah, good job to your sons lacrosse stuff? Good job to you sons lacrosse so you could buy them off with some new helmets or something. Is there stuff you can't talk about about autism that you're doing the show? I mean, I haven't, I don't think so. Okay.

I'm just wondering. No. I love you. There's a, it was a, it's been interesting talking about it and doing press and doing stuff because it is a, you know, there's a lot of comedy in the show, but it's a serious show. And everything I've ever worked on, not that has been so much, but everything I've done has been with other, if not literally stand-up comedians, funny people in comedies and comedy directors.

And this is the first time I'm on set where it's like, we're not supposed to be funny. And it was like, you know, we have value. We feel like our value is to be this thing that you're not supposed to be. And it was like, you know, we have value. We feel like our value is to be this thing that you're not supposed to be. And it was an interesting. Yeah. It was interesting. Is everyone on the show autistic? The there's three roommates, all me and Sue and an Albert, we all play autistic characters and they are all on the spectrum. And then there's some guest stars, some of the writer's staff, some of the PAs.

There's a lot of autism and people with autism were directly connected to it on the production. But it's kind of be like what's what I find interesting is it is a it's a subject that comes up a lot in today with that with I mean I think the prevalence is maybe being recognized more. But but it's also, it's also a, not a condition, but a thing that also people have children dealing with it and are probably high-percentive to anything you put out, art-wise, they may go, hold on, that's not, that, you know what I mean? That, the amount of, I'm shocked at,

because our show is doing really well and it's getting great reviews, but it's Amazon, I don't know how many people are seeing it, as if it was this massive show because I'm shocked at because our show is doing really well and it's getting great reviews, but it's Amazon. I don't know how many people are seeing it as if it was this massive show because I'm getting hundreds and hundreds of not just great show letters from people of how represented they feel and how accurate this is and how much they see themselves in this character or this character, that character. And it's such a big deal. And it was so great about it. I've talked about this before, but there's a Dr. Stephen Shore quote, and if you've met one person with autism,

it means you've met one person with autism. And I've heard that I always liked it. Well, it's interesting. But I experienced this on the show where I get it. Well, technically that should apply to everything. Exactly. Technically it should go, if you've met one black person, you've met one black person.

But people think, people think that autism means, whatever they think it means, good at counting toothpicks or great doctor or just brilliant or nonverbal or a penis. And a penis. Yeah, either. But I'm working now with, I don't know, I've maybe met maybe 15 different people with autism

who all played characters of autistic characters that weren't who they were. They were all different than their character. There's no, that's autism. That's not autism. But wait, and it's just, it's not as easily definable as a lot of people who aren't experienced with it may think it is. So a lot of people feel really great that they're show that we're able to show things that aren't

just, you know, autistic people aren't as superheroes. Right, right, right. You know, they, people deal with the same stuff that everyone deals with. Everyone has difficulties and everyone has their obstacles. Well, it's just a certain spectrum. I mean, I have my own Oxford. I have fucking rage issues, all kinds of fucked up shit that I, you know, I don't know if

it's from my child or it's just in me, you know, I yell. I don't, I'm trying to fuck them shit that I, you know, I don't know if it's from my childhood or it's just in me, you know, I yell, I'm trying not to yell, I'm trying to control with my son, I don't want to, I don't want, my mother, everybody, get over here. Is she doing a special, by the way? She actually did too. Second one, she bombed it with cannon.

No, it wasn't with cannon, no, it was by herself. Can I tell you a parenting? I can just go with you wherever you go You know that what's up parenting tip. Yeah, don't yell at your kids Yeah, I know what I did is first time Georgia fucked up like really fucked up. Yeah, I Went to here and that's how I parented it. I wanted to almost like, I needed to see her scared or see her, I scared, but like see her, like, oh, I fucked up, see it in her eyes.

And then what I did is I created a paradigm within which she realized, oh, his, here's, I'm in therapy. Yeah. Better help that. I'm slashed, I said. What? Go ahead. And, and I forgot what I was fucking.

The paradigm, motherfucker. I was doing it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't about. The paradigm, motherfucker. I was good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no can only, everything, she knows, here is the real stuff. This is the word fucking. I'm fucking not, I cannot think like this. Yes, yes. So just don't get mad. Can I tell you something though? Today, like my kid came out of school.

He goes, dad, don't get angry, but my, I got trouble school. I'm like, what happened? My teacher yelled at me because I was doing my home mark before I was supposed, you know, you're not supposed to do it at the blah blah blah whatever, and she yelled at me. And I was like, okay, I was like, okay, well, you know, you're not going to yell at me or get mad at me. I go, you already got talked to. You know what you did bad. Why am I going to redo that? I go, you don't need to do it? You just don't do it again, you know. And I go, I go, give me a pound.

And he was like, cool, he was like shocked because I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna yell at him. I've actually given my son permission to tell me to bring it down. So I said, dude, if I ever get to a point where you feel any type of feeling, just tell me, dad, you're getting, he's done it.

I'd be like, Max, you got it. He goes, Dad, you're talking it. And I'm like, okay, thank you. And I was scared to do that because I feel like I have to be the man, I have to be the father, I have to be Clint Eastwood, fuck that, fuck that. I am not as pal, I don't let him get away with shit. I give him consequences a lot when he fucks up immediately

and he knows they're coming, but I try to do it with nothing. I try to do it with nothing. So it's not like, Max, you know, it's hard because I do, look, it's in me. I don't know why it's in me to go shut the fuck up. It's in me to go fucking knock it the fuck off. That's just from it's here. And I, it's like this thing that,

and it comes out and it feels good. It almost feels good, which is scary. But now I don't wanna do that, even with my wife. I mean, I still hit her. It's out of line, but I don't yell at her, which is good. I have two memories of my stuff, Father. Two memories that I remember. I remember him railing on me, just hitting me.

Hard as hell in the face, right? I'm laughing because I'm going to fuck you. This shit don't fucking hurt. I have no idea what I did wrong. I have another memory. I got pulled over for speeding. I came home, I said, George, my step that was a cop. And I was like, I don't know what I did.

I was speeding. I'm so sorry. And he looks at me, goes, okay, we'll take care of it. I only remember what I did wrong on the time he said, we'll take care of it. The time he was fucking whacking me in the face, no memory what I did wrong. So there was no correction for that. I remember when I was, I got hit by a stepfather too. It gets interesting observation and I would like

for us all to acknowledge that. I really is. I'll tell you why I relate to that. I was just telling dawn this, my wife this two days ago. I don't remember third, fourth and fifth grade. The time my wife was with my stepfather that used to beat me was first.

Your wife was with your stepfather? Not me, my mom was with my stepfather. Yeah. You can do some of these in your head. But I don't remember the fun. I don't remember a third, fourth and fifth grade. I remember fifth, sixth grade when they got divorced. I remember from there on in my life. I don't remember any of that other shit. I remember sixth grade when they got divorced. I remember from there on in my life.

I don't remember any of that other shit. I remember one time when he fucking beat the shit out of all of us. It was like a fucking, just all. You next, now you. He's getting lined. I'm just getting warmed up. Oh, there.

Yeah, yeah, Billy. There's so funny, there's so funny comics. I told Jim Norton all this stuff and I told him the dude's name, my step-dad's name used to be. Yeah. So I come to the cello one that Jim Norton puts down fake names

because he had a stalker. I was reading, I was like calling Quinn, Keith Robinson, Billy, Manchinton. And I was like, what the fuck is that? Oh, that made you cold like you were still. Dude, I fucking went, why the fuck is he? That made you cold like you were still. Dude, I fucking went, why the fuck is he here? He is just because that's... You're okay saying that name now?

Yeah, I'm gonna give a fuck about him. Fuckin' hit me. I punch him down the flight of stairs in the second grade. We should fight him for Patreon, subscribe to Zone. He's probably not alive. Why is there one nice short mic in these three fucking things? Cause I'm better than everybody.

I can't tell the difference. Why does a bride wear white and everybody wears fucking peach? I don't know. There has to be a difference. Oh yeah, this is a shit mic. As the first of all, you guys don't know microphones. And the chair. You don't know microphones.

Sure 58 is the number one microphone in the business. Is that what we have? Sure 58. That's what you use every night on stage. This is a good microphone because it picks up from all different places. But that means when you're mixing this, you sound nice and crisp, but we're picking up each other's stuff. Yeah. I am less talented than everybody I have on the show. So I need a little oomph. Do you notice that? How I turn. You notice how I'm turned this way? Yeah.

As so not to be picking up. I notice that. And I notice you're. Be nice to me. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet Haybun. It's big, but. Stretchy pants are the best. We all have a little bit on the spectrum. Love the head. Yeah, I got stretchy pants up. My life changed when the guy was like, why don't we make these women have stretchy, that's all they have is stretchy stuff.

Why don't we do it for guys? And now my whole life is, I'm the fattest I've ever been. I stepped on a scale at a hospital and I fucking, I gotta lose weight, Bert, I gotta stop. I stepped on the scale, I'm an inch smaller than I was. Half an inch smaller, sorry. It's okay.

And I am the fatdest I've ever been. And I just lost all the weight. Oh, fine. And why are you smaller? I was better, is the fat heavy now? I got shorter because I'm older. Oh, and in shorter, I got shorter. And the weight.

And when she read the scale dude I almost I almost told she's fucking line. I can't tell you so I can't tell you. It's so it's bad It's over 300. What is it rhyme with? T-hundred and 20 330 It was bad dude. I I gotta fucking lose weight. I'm done. I'm fucking out.

I'm tapping out. How do you do it? How do I do it? Hey, can I tell you? Yeah, please. So there's a camp that a little extra went to and it's fairly affordable.

It's NLA, but you stay there for a week and they only feed you healthy food and you do activities and everyone comes out healthier. I want to do a path or something. Let's do it. Well, here's the thing.

I'm not that I'm disregarding skinny people, but like I know the struggle. I know the struggle and what you really need is a jump start to get you in the mindset of going, that's right, we're going on a path right now. Yeah. And so I came home Sunday and I was like, I'm in. I'm out.

I just ate with Ari. Ari's, ugh, you know, Ari took us to Burmese Burmese. Burmese, what is it? Burmese? Burmese. Burmese, okay. Burmese food, whatever the fuck that is. And it's just all fried.

It's amazing. But it's all fucked up food. We just ate all the shit. And then we went to another place. We ate like shit for three days. It was big J and Ari. Big J and Ari, weed. Yeah.

You need to smoke weed? I don't, they did. I don't do that. I love weed, but I can't picture you as weed. I've been 36 years, I've been sober from drugs and alcohol, but the food is the worst one. It's the first. What's your need?

My first addiction, and it needs to be my last. It's because you have to take a little bit every day of the thing you're addicted to. I came home and there was a bag of pits, which is my favorite, ruffled, dill pickle chips, and I ate the whole thing. Yeah, that's the thing about bags. It's not how much you eat, it's the bag.

You eat a bag. I ate the bag. That's why you gotta buy the small bags. Then bag you you eat a bag. I hate the bag. That's why you got to buy the small bags Then you get to finish a bag still Yeah, I'm serious. Yeah, but that's like saying That's like saying well, that's why I do the the single servings of Reese's peanut butter cups instead of the two packer But then I eat four of those anyway. Yeah, it's not a perfect sign. I'm just saying I

To let you kind of get an idea. Oops. I finished the bag, and then you could at least think about it. I'm sorry, I got it. Oh no, my wife doesn't think that works great, which is if we get pizza, like I'll eat a whole pizza, I don't give a fuck. I love it. So when the pizza comes, she just jang, because my wife's a nutritionist,

so my wife will just, before the pizza's here, fruit, salad, she's feeding me a ton of shit, so you're gonna have a lot of space. So that by the time the pizza comes, I'm like the dopamine has been fed a little bit. So now what I do is I love oranges, right? I like, I just shit's not candy. She gets these fucking sumo oranges,

and she goes, you can have all the chips you want. You just gotta eat like 40 fucking oranges first. So I eat the oranges, I eat my cheese, and then it kinda, it slows down the amount of chips I'll eat. It does nothing to me. I found ways around it all of it. I found it through. He went after you ate two more oranges?

I'll eat fucking 19 oranges. But like, I spent the weekend at cults, and he's got a snack room, and because he's a bad guy to die with. Oh, dude, he's, I'm in the CPAP ward up on the back part. He's over there. I'm in the other room. So both, we're both dying every 13 minutes.

I'm also a fat fuck too. You guys see that, right? I'm not getting skinny guy created here, right? I'm not wearing black. No, no, no. But he, it was bad. Like, he had snacks in the middle and I was like, I'm not having them.

By the end of the trip, the whole garbage was full of all these little, little bags. I ate all the bags. And then I broke into candy that was props. Like it was, it was like a Christmas thing and I fucking chow it. I can't, I can't stop. I gotta stop. I'm gonna fucking.

Do you have an addiction with anything, Rick? Uh, I have a obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have that too. You do have that? Yeah, Pat. How? What? Yeah, we remember we talked about it. Yeah, I repeat, I repeat in my head.

You just did it. I'm out loud. I did. So if something, I've gotten better with it, but if something, like I'll give you a perfect example, how a Mandel came to my house and we started talking about it

and I was like, even in talking about it, I feel like it's gonna show up. and then I'd gotten rid of my phone number I got rid of my phone because my phone number got leaked and doxed and Someone called on the old phone number on my computer face time and we Pranked them and we called them back and then in doing that I gave out my new phone number to that person And then I tried to text that person and say, Hey, can you please not give out my phone number and I texted another person, my new phone number.

And then I texted a secret to another person, to the wrong person, to a fan. And then all of a sudden I started spiraling and it becomes, I can't stop thinking of the one thing over and over and over again. It's like fucking I thought I had general words one time and I fucking spun out of control so bad I could not stop looking at my dick I would look at my dick and then I start fucking whether I put it to an accident on it I'm dipping it in vinegar a bowl of vinegar this one this one I lived right across street when I lived right across street, when I lived right across street, Bobby. This is when that happened. And I was, I would sit with my dick and balls in a bowl of vinegar watching quantum leap drinking a 40 going, I just kind of want to stop

thinking about that. That puts a new meaning to millipede in my car. Yeah. Yeah. The assessiveness once you start spinning. It's like, and also you could have a conversation with yourself, the logical, the logical person could tell this emotional person, listen, this is how you get, this is what it is, but unless he's able to be stronger, it just doesn't matter. And you just have to touch and do and sit. And it's just, I'm actually, I'm becoming that later in life.

I'm getting, I'm being stopped when you say, those things that happen. I've never wanted to. I actually read something the other day, it said, stop talking to yourself. Like in your head, stop having conversations. Oh, I think it's so healthy. I sometimes talk to myself,

like consciously, like, I talk to myself as if I am the adult in the kid type of thing. I have arguments with myself. I'll finish in a minute. I'll have a minute. I wasn't the black guy. You did it, Tim. We did it. No, I meant it. I was being, I'll finish in a minute. I'll have what was the block. I meant it. I was being I'll remember. Go ahead. Sometimes it's when I'm spinning and I have to like recognize the trick is to first recognize

these patterns of behavior. So you know that you've been here before. So this isn't like the best like if you if you're so high or drunk or whatever and you've never been before, like what the fuck is happening to me? But if you're able to say, Rick, you've been here before, it sucks. You're not going to feel better now, but just know like you're safe type of thing, like to have these things. But sometimes it's the simplest stuff, like, uh, I'm, I recently realized I think I'm scared to go to bed. I don't know why. Oh yeah, baby. Really? What do you think I have four fucking beers up here for? I'm not in the same bed.

I'm petrified to go to bed. I can't figure out what I'm scared of necessarily. I just know I don't want to do it. I don't want to have the TV off. I need to, I can't be by myself. I could during the day, but at night, I don't go to bed when I'm tired. I go to bed when I'm exhausted.

Me too. I just fall asleep. I'm afraid I'm not gonna wake up. I'm afraid that I'm 51. I'm overweight. I'm afraid I'm not gonna wake up. I'm afraid that I'm 51. I'm overweight. I've lost weight and gained weight too much and I'm never gonna see my family again. I feel like as soon as I close my eyes,

I'm gonna not see them again. And it wasn't enough. Sorry. That's what that, so every night when I go to bed, I have to be exhausted. I sit there with a phone or I'll put a, put some YouTube thing on. I do everything just so I pass the fuck out.

Which is worse for you. I wish I could take drugs to them. So jealous of people that get the day. It's not sustainable. Yeah, but people have these. It's really nice. It's pretty nice to get you out of a spot though. I found some CBD as people think it's witchcraft.

I found some CBD that coincidentally sponsored my podcast is how I tried it, zips.com slash.tis. But I'm not joking, it's unbelievable. And CBD and Melatonin now helps so much. But the reason I brought it up was because I've now started talking to myself the way that I've heard like girlfriends or my mom or something talked, I'm on the couch and it's 1 a.m.

And I'm feeling tired. It's like, if I were in my pajamas and my face was washing, my teeth were brushed, I feel like I can maybe get to bed. But I can't do all of that. I'll watch another episode and this goes until six in the morning, right? So what I've been doing now is out loud. I'll go, Ricky Buddy, I know it's tough.

Let's go to bed. I say, let's as if it's me and the guy that doesn't want to. And then I'll be like, I know, believe me, I know. Just brush your teeth. If you want to come back down, you can. I'm going to buy you some. And it works teeth. If you wanna come back down, you can. I'm gonna help you by doing this. And it works.

It really does. I really like negotiate with myself. And it also feels like I have someone who loves me. And it's corny and I mean that so much. I know how much I love myself because I'm able to talk to Rick. Ricky? Yeah, we love you.

Okay, so let me give you this. Just know that. Thank you. Let me ask you this, because I have said to myself at times, I would never let someone talk to my child the way they talk to yourself. I was talking to myself. Yeah. But then I go, sometimes you need that. See? This is number. This is my burner phone. Put it down to my show. I'm gonna give a fuck.

Well, I had, I had my, you're seeing somebody's notes. I don't and fuck them. They got my number off the internet. Oh, you know, that's not something. This is my burner phone. This is the one that got leaked. And so I, but I go, but sometimes you need that bad voice in your head going, hey man, get the fuck up at a bed. You partied all night last night.

And this is what you deserve. Get on the fucking treadmill. Do five fuck miles. That's not a bad fuck. What are you doing? Why are you like the voice in my head is very punitive and it is very fucking strict. You're a garbage comic who's lucky to be where you are. You stay on the road. You live on the road. You fucking work on that hour. You don't deserve to have a special. You need to fuck like that's how that's how comics brain should act because I know

comics. I mean, we all know comics that are like, yeah, I'm doing a special. You need to fuck like, that's how the, that's how comics brain should act. Cause I know comics, I mean, we all know comics that are like, yeah, I'm doing a special. You're like, how long you been getting ready for it? And I'm gonna do a couple of weeks out on the road. And I would love to have that brain where I'm like, well, I'm the best thing out there. I'll just put it on the thing and everyone's gonna go fucking nuts. But I'm not that guy. I'm like, the guy that goes, you don't, you haven't earned anything. You don't deserve any of this. You need to keep working as hard as you can. Does it feel different? It's not the same way.

That guy is right. It's running through my head right. That guy is not good. I know what I'm saying. I'm sorry. I'm right. But that guy is not good for you. Yeah, I know it's not good for you,

but it's, it's, it's a loving guy who will de- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't, I've said like five words as podcasts. It's fine. Let him go. That guy, that, that, that man who's mean to you, sure he might try to push you, but the loving guy will also push you

and you won't kill yourself. Like I'm not even kidding, like that guy who sits and he comes in and he's like, you, I did this, I had to this guy for years. And but once I met the guy who actually treats me with respect, I started writing, I started writing not for myself, but for my son and for my,

it's better to love yourself and look, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. But even if this guy is shitty to you, let's say you quit and you don't become the greatest comedian, you'll be fucking happy. You know what I mean? Oh no, but I don't need to be the, I don't, yeah, but I don't need to be

the greatest comedian. But like if someone says, hey man, we hired you for this thing. My thing is, I've seen a lot of people been like, yeah, I'll do it. I get that. And I'm the kind of guy that goes, if you want this, you have to earn it, but you haven't gotten anything. May I?

There's a difference between feeling deserved and entitled. And the idea of saying that you don't deserve this, I don't connect with saying that this isn't just to be given to you I get. Like you're not entitled to get all these things, but you deserve it, you work your ass off. And if you're like, hey, you deserve this, but you have to earn it.

There's the way you earned it last year. Or last year. I have to do that with like this, because, you know, the podcast. Not the podcast really, the special, because in my head I'm like, I should have got one years ago. But you're not wrong.

And I did, all right, you're not wrong. So that adds into it where it's like, fuck, and now that I have one, I didn't get it the way you're supposed to get a special. Like Netflix or HBO is supposed to go, you're good. And we want rock. And I didn't get it that way. My friend was like, dude, I want to do your special. You know what I mean? I mean, I, that's the way I got. I get things. People who like me, who are my friend will say, dude, let's do this together. Okay.

You know what I mean? I'm going to prove our point right now. Right. First, second a second. So when your special comes out, I will not only promote the fuck out of it, but I will play it for people I love going, this is one of the funniest human beings I know. You ready for this? Maybe this toxic. I don't want you to let me down. Like, that's how I feel about that special.

Oh, I love how I'm thinking. I want you to put as much work as you humanly can to this so that when that product's out there and the people that love you and fucking are your rider dies, go, you gotta see Bobby Kelly special. Everyone's, it's like earthquake, right? Earthquake special is undeniable. It's undeniable.

And to know that when, and he's a legend, he's, I mean, I don't mean to draw parallels or whatever. He's like you, he's a legend. Murder, fucking greatest guy. No one's got a bad fucking word to say about him. Fucking humble, does the fucking work. Does the club sells the tickets. Fucking murder.

And when earthquake came out, I said to my wife, and I was nervous, I haven't seen earthquake working a while. And I said, this guy's one of the funniest dudes that's ever stepped on stage. He is a legend at a DC. I go, we got to watch you special. And she was like, am I going to like it? Because my wife's a big fan of the King's Comedy. And I said, yeah. And the second I've watched that, it's so good. It's so good. But you, I'm, I want to say to earthquake, hey man, thanks for making me look like a king. I, you didn't let me down because I turned my wife on to you. Now my wife's favorite fucking comics earthquake, right?

And like, and that's the thing when you're a comic, there's people out there that that just don't, they don't put the work in. And then when people go, you got to see this guy. And then everyone else goes, I don't get they don't put the work in. And then when people go, you gotta see this guy. And then everyone else goes, I don't get it. It's not that good. I look at it like going, I don't want to let the people that are on my right or die is down. Like, and that's how I say it, feel about you.

When you're doing the special, I'm like, I will be saying it to Leanne Lee. Well, Leanne will be like, we should watch Bobby special. And everyone's gonna put you over and go, you gotta see Bobby's new special. And then that's when it lands on you and the people that just don't do the work. But can I say something? I'll promote it, though.

Thank you, Bubby. Here's a problem. This is my brain. Yeah. Is that three years ago, whatever, when I was gonna, when I was ready to do it, I, it didn't happen.

Something happened this, whatever. And I didn't do it, so I moved on material wise And then I was gonna do this other special about food addiction with a couple people gone in and Mike and and then COVID hit it all went away So it's like I had these two things two blocks of material That would just there that I was sparsing out on these little shows

Canada just for laughs. Well tonight show I did a little bit that was just there, that I was sparsing out on these little shows, Canada, Just for Laps World. Tonight's show I did a little bit. So I had this hour of like, this is what I would have done. I would have taped it, filmed it, audio, and so five years went by. And then I'm sitting there and I'm on a show with whatever, and it's like, you're killing, what do you, have you ever put any in this out? I'm like, no, no one would give me an opportunity

to do it and I don't have the money. I could but it would be low budget and I didn't think of whatever. So this person was like, I wanna do your special. I want you to just kill, I want you to do all these jokes that you have, put them all together, we'll figure out what's the set and then do all of it. And then we'll cut it together and we'll do the special and just kill. So I'm a little nervous because it's

maybe stuff, you know what I mean? Like, you know, like that wedding stuff, you know what I mean? You saw me do. So great. Right. So fucking great. It's like that was shit. That was just dying. It would have just went away. So I'm going to take that bit, that whole thing and put it in an hour. It's great. So last shit, that was just dying. It would just went away. So I'm gonna take that bit, that whole thing and put it in an hour. It's great. So last time we worked together was on Calcis Cruz. Yeah. And I'm just being very real.

I've never had a problem following anyone in my entire career, ever, ever, ever. Meaning I may have bombed, but I don't notice it. On stage, I'm like, well, that's what I do. I had a fucking really rough time following you. I had to quote your jokes to get them back. I know I'm being zero, remember that? I remember you killing, yeah.

I know, I didn't kill, I ripped my fucking shirt off. Okay. I told the machine story, ripped my shirt off, and I was struggling for fucking eight minutes until I got to the fucking machine part. I'm telling you, man, that zero you have is fucking murderous. You know what I'm scared of though? And I need you help on that.

What's that? Is when I'm done and it's gone, I gotta write a new hour. Oh, it's an easy part. I know. It's an unpart. I know, but it's like, I, it's like, it's like, to go and just go on the road.

And I might be wrong, but in my head, I'm like, okay, so you're you, you're fans come to see you, right? You know, you have enough money to pay your shit. You know, you go on the road. If I I feel like in my head and I know what fuck it, I gotta get rid of. If I go to a club and bomb, they won't have me back. People won't come and see me. I can't just go, Hey, I'm working on it. I have no more jokes. I'm starting from scratch. That's crazy.

Like, Birkin's start from scratch. You know, they'll have you back. I'm a working club comic. I'm not a, we all are. Right, but I feel like when you have, when people, there's nothing this weekend with Jay and Ari. There's nothing like walking out in front of a crowd that came to see you.

There is nothing. There is not. Well, you walk out and they go Robert Kelly and it goes, and you're like, they're here for me. So there's something. It's not as good, but I love it. And I want to see if you guys connect to it. I get $150 a night, a day at my hotel, and the room service ends at 11.

And I haven't used any of my money yet and it expires. So I don't you keep going as long as you want, but I got to get out of here soon enough or I'm not going to eat tonight or I'm going to pay for it. We're going to wrap up right now. We have we have questions for you and then you go, okay? You are at that. Everybody. I want to thank all my guests. This is YKWD YouTube version. Right now we're going to the patreon.com.sets. Robert Kelly, extra 15 minutes. If you guys want to be part of that, go there, become a member, and support your boy, your big boy Bob Kelly. Other than that, I want to thank everybody.

Can you please give your plug real quick? Plug. Rick Glassman. Take your shoes off podcast. And as we see it on Amazon Prime bank. That's right. And I do want to thank Bert for showing up. I love you buddy. What do you got to plug? We're saving you for last? Synchronize the Greek in Los Angeles and

Brooklyn theater tomorrow. Where am I come to that? Please do? The Greek the Greek. Yeah, please do and and about to blow the fuck up because your movies coming out My movies coming out. I don't know. Yeah, no no release. I heard it's very exciting man. It's it's over for you You're a rap. Oh, you don't know about that. You're I heard from your mouth to God's ears. I heard your it's your you're on Oh, Greg Stone you can check out my podcast, Friday night Greg. Yeah, Friday energy. You know, when they morning he's actually going to be doing it next Thursday. Next Thursday.

And I'll be at the St. Louis funny bone, April 28th through the first. And tell me about your other thing you do. Night cream night cream. Oh, yeah, that's the thing I'm embarrassed of, but it's why. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good night. Check out Night Cream. He's saying bail wants butterfly. Yeah. Um, and of course I want to thank all you guys, Robert Kelly, uh, live.com for all my dates. My special will be May 7th in St. Pete at Coastal creatives Saturday. Saturday. I'm going to be a Saturday night and I'm going to be doing, uh, two shows only.

And I'm going to be doing a show rich boss and, uh, Lewis J. Gomez, the rattlesnake at the Bears Den. So I got a bunch of shows. Go to my website. Gomez, the rattlesnake, at the Bears Den. So I got a bunch of shows, go to my website. There you go. I got some questions. We are in the overtime. Nicky, did I do that right? Yeah, comic wearables, shut up.

Oh yeah, comic wearables.com for all you pop a king because I'm the pop a king. Get your YKWD stuff. Comic wearables.com, use co-ware ladybug, get 20% off all times. Do you call them sweatshirts? Do you call them side shirts? I call them sweatshirts. You should call them side shirts. I call them, that's a good one. I will take that for you. Yeah, well, yeah, from you. I love you. And you know what? You should spell it shirt with a with a capital somehow put a B in there.

Yeah, you're gonna have to you're gonna get your food. We're gonna get your food. I'm wrapping this up and then we're done if you can wait. I just don't want you to miss your room service. I'm wrapping this up and then we're done if you can wait. I just don't want you to miss your room service. Okay, good. If we've learned anything over the past two years, check it out. You got to be prepared not just in terms of food, water, toilet paper and all that stuff.

You got to have your will. You need a will. You need that. Not everybody. Am I supposed to be sitting through your reads? No, I'm looking at the care. But yeah, we're gonna, we can sit through this. It's two seconds.

Yeah, please do that. Look, not everybody has a lot of money when you die, but you're gonna leave you to love one something and how to distribute it your estate. You're right in my camera, but that's okay. After you die, regardless of the size of the estate, at the very least, you should consider a will, a medical power return to your DNR,

direct directive. So that you love ones, it won't have to make that crazy as decision, whether it's to pull the plug or not during the most painful time of their lives. You guys, at the end of the day, it's one of the most loving things you can do for your loved ones. So if you're anywhere in Texas, contact Kyla Gunter at Gunter Law Group for a free 30-minute consultation to discuss your options. Go to Gunter Law Group for a free 30 minute consultation to discuss your options. Go to Gunter Law Group.com, email Kyle,

Kyla directly at Kyla at Gunter Law Group.com or call her at 6-8-224-1967 to set up your consultation today. And if you mention YKWD, they'll knock off 25% off your fee. This is a legal advertisement. It's not intended to be specific legal advice. And I want to thank Bert. It's great to see you, buddy.

I love you, brother. I love you, too. We're all going downstairs. Maybe grab some food. I don't know if you're leaving. Greg, I love you, buddy. And of course, Rick, love you, too, buddy. I knew my new number one.

I'll see you guys later. You guys are the best fans of the world. You know what, dude? See you next week. Bang. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad.

Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.