Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Best of 2018

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

It's the best of You Know What Dude for 2018! We've gathered some of our favorite moments of Bobby and our guests to celebrate one of our best years! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com A trunk. No, I don't know what a trunk. He brought it to the college. Look at the end of your nose. A trunk. I have a very cute nose. A trunk.

How would you fuck? Oh, because I'm gonna help him Stray cats guitar in fact give me the you know I'm gonna knock him up with that fucking Who there's no there's no fat on that joke? Oh, Lucy's so joke on that joke. Why do I have me my back? I mean my like you're getting rid of a body in the middle of the lake just jacking off You said at a huge vagina. Yeah, no, I said you are a huge Just a face I make who are you texting? Shut up take it

This isn't even my thing Shut up. Take it. This isn't even my thing. No discharge. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think I just shit. Brons the sons of O&A. And we thought you don't have to do it this way. I know. We saw that abusive relationship. Let's not do that. Let's just have a nice conversation. Be nice to each other. Let's try this.

Let's try being nice for the first time in almost 30 years. 30 years we could just have a nice conversation. I was happy to see Billy. I've been seeing him in a year. I was really truly happy to see him. Right now, we're gonna start, okay? Yeah, okay, great. Not as happy as I'd be to see him pulling down the stairs,

but I'm just... I'm just gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... It's Robert Kelly, so you know what Podcast UnbladeCast.com Almost as soon as you're awake That was good I'm glad he made the old fucking black guy laugh. Can you laugh like a young person at least? What?

I don't know. Leave slappy alone. What? Oh my god. That was kind of. What the fuck do you mean? You call that fat. You call me too black.

I didn't call you too it fat you call me to black I didn't call you to black. Oh you slappy that blacky. Slavvy white asshole Thank you least you get comedy yeah red button Why would I have why would I have you were fucking moms me believe So anyway, let's just get through the guest Michael do we got we got rich voss from the boss roast boss roast.com Voshrows.com. I start my wife. Hey, me From the boss for his own roast we got him from there to say we can't quite get some better Yeah, well give him a better credit. Give him a better credit. My wife hates me

Give him a credit Two-time Oscar writer that's true. Oscar writer What else he's giving me credit? Okay, two-time Oscar writer. That's true. Oscar writer. What? That's not a good credit? No, it's not.

Are you talking about it? Nobody gives a shit that you're a two-time author. Yeah, no one's gonna stop you. Nobody's gonna stop you. Hey, that's a two-time author. Hey, wait a minute, did you get a gift bag? Yes, I did. I know you did.

We heard about it for 10 years. Yeah, the first white guy on Def Jam? No, let's get some new stuff. Say it. From your rose to that. That's the first of all the rose is amazing. It is a great job. No, but okay, it's good because you didn't have one part you actually eliminated one person which made even better too.

Who are you? You think it's set up and no, we're not finished with all shit. No, we're on to me. We're not. You're less credit was in black and white shut the fuck up. Oh my God. You're good. I can only stop. Let's just okay, stop now. Go to keys credits. I got a lot of shit. I know you're doing this. The back of the bus special Keith Robinson. Back of the bus hour special. No, false. Where's your hour special? It's being edited right now I pad

You're gonna attack me Many here to get attacked what what are you so sensitive for I'm not saying it's being edited right back. You're right. I just gave him the last edit show. I mean, yes, Gabe, we gave him all of you. Why did you do that? No, you directly need your fucking idiot. All right, listen. So, Paul's credit is things. I actually, you have a new animation series

that you're part of with Keri Hart. No, Kevin has a new animation series. I'm in it. He's actually one of the characters. I'm in it. Yeah, you're in it. I'm on three episodes of crashing. Yep, a field's crashing too I turned it down I'm trying to three mollus we know you're in shit, but we want to get down Oh But we won't turn it down. Oh, that's good. Bobby, I'm gonna Sam tomorrow.

That's a good credit. I call it to the call. Yeah, Sam thinks. I have a new name. They're called Sidekick Radio. Oh, I think I'm gonna Sam. Sam is black. Sam is not black.

Oh, he is a little black. Yeah, he looks like a white boy. No, he's got some black in him. Yeah he's got some black. He's a doctor. Sam is a doctor. No he's not that star. Sam was a doctor. Sam was a doctor. His mother was a red head and his father was a black Vietnam vet. Yes, get the fuck yeah, it's the father died mother Commit a suicide out and then they adopted a little baby a little sand baby You know that help you're good after It's so I gave you a call back

It was good. How are you trying to switch it up? Yeah, man, I'm doing a lot of stuff man. We're, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no we get this on. Oh, there. Stop side-talking. Why? Why? I'm not in the bus, Lampix. We're in the front of the bus. This is not the extensive podcast that I'm used to. Like, three girls and one Keith is really the podcast. No, it's three girls and one's you sell.

One, two, three girls and Tom. I gave up. I gave up. I gave up. You know, you know you always come back. It's so, it's looking for that opening. That's funny. It looks like an awkward fucking like a police line up with a three girls pick the guy that did it.

Oh, too wordy. Wow. I know it's too wordy. Yeah, you're right. Can you introduce me so I can help make fun of people? Yeah, I'm just sitting here waiting. Well, I'm footprints on the moon, multiple appearances on Conan. Chad Daniels is the best. OK, that's it. Now what you get in.

He has a lot of credits. Chad Daniels. He has a lot of credits. What's the credit? A credit is something recently that you've done on television or film. Film? Film. Yes, film. Do you know what film is? What you've done on film or film. Film? Film, yes, film.

You know what I'm saying? What you've done on film? I mean, I'm, oh, film. Well, my movie career is extensive. You know, you can even say the word. Because I, that's because of the stroke. Yeah, you're an attacker cripple. You have to work with your ass hole.

Boss talks like a cripple. Boss talks like your horrible Lost talking he had a stroke I actually saw Keith downstairs and I go I think that's him but I can't because this is on the third floor When I call let go I like that I like it a little slower attacking. I liked it. I tried to slow her. He got it. It was almost polite. Very yes, very passive aggressive. It's very here. A little cut to it. I liked it. All right, so we're back. Who else do we have here? Well, it's it. That's it. How about Gabby? Well, Gabby is part of the crew. Everybody knows that she had mics here, Becky's here, helping out, thanks a lot.

Who's Becky? Introduce Rob's here. Well, who are you? That's not the way it works, Gabby. I made the people you were. No, you want to meet the fucking young girls. That's what you're doing. You're gonna get a fuck out of me.

Mochimite Gabby, you fucking set high. How much you might grab? Oh, for Mr. Mike. I gave him $50. You ran with it at the Skank Fet. He has to run anywhere. All right. Now, I'm getting the Moshe Mac and all.

What did you give him $50 for? I just, what did I give you $50 for? Because you thought you were too good to take it. That's why. I thought I was super good. Oh, the extra $50. No, no, no, no. You gave me that extra $50 and you're like,

I don't even need this. And you gave it to me because you were a baller. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's no hurt They they go ahead that I hope I have a hundred on you. I'll take it. I got nothing on me right now Now the last one give me I want everybody I want everybody's name. That's all you do a podcast You introduce everybody okay Mike. Can you do everybody Michael got Rob from Jim and Sam filling in for Zach today? Mm-hmm. All right. Yeah, I go down right, go. Let me see your face. I like this kid. Hey, we're good.

Guy. Let you see his face. I want to fuck his face. What? I don't understand. What the fuck? That's a hashtag me too. I don't know what to say.

I mean, you can't say that. You can't say that. I mean, you can't say that. You can't say that. You can't say that. Robert, he does make like Bonnie. He does make money He has bigger tips I'm just saying he has bigger boobs and body. He has nice boobs

You don't know my wife. Yeah, she's showing them what tough grow. That was when they were nice She's had a kid since then. Yeah Got a little old. Did you show boobs on tough ground? Yes. When? Oh, shit. That's right.

You're barely a shot. Yeah. I really realized that. I started watching them again. Sue Costello was on more than me. Yeah. Where you going? Oh, shit.

Can't do it. All right. Now we're getting star. Kifos, can you stop mean mugging everybody? I'm just I used to do yeah You mean mugging now you're profiling you pay you're not a good one. I was looking at you going I may you just profile me and not a good way and he called me not a I know today. We know what boss what he accused me of he actually did yeah, he's a dick

We know what he accused me of. He actually did. Yeah, he's dick All right, I'll go dick. I was gonna go dumb. I knew it hurt your feelings and you get mean So we worked up in an honest with that fucking idiot Mike Mike was the sound man Then anybody can you please can you can you back story a little bit let people you can't just go randomly to a Yeah, let the that are listening, and who are you talking to? I'm talking to a chat. Okay, so, say, Chad, you and Chad worked at Bonet,

go Bonet as a long time. What's his name, book, Johnny C? He was such a cool dude, man. We should go to the casino together at the boat and stuff. You taught me how to play Crap's. I did, you know. You go with us to the casino? I dropped that fucking table with so hot one night this story is making me

sick right I literally want to get my daughter in my daughter in a scene I mean I might I might stop doing this so he showed I'm just kidding it's the great yeah small talk we have an elevator I told you to get food fuck face what the fuck hey Keith remember that time we took a bus I told you to get food fuckface Hey Keith remember that time we took a bus and then we're on the bus and we're talking it was pretty interesting Look at this. We're gonna go get it for him. I'm looking for that's his job still to pay. Yes, oh good, but you don't.

Yeah, I do. Shut up. All right, so listen, we got a couple stories you want to talk about. Oh, definitely not. What? I'm going to story. You have to leave the story. You got to start what's going on with you.

We are starting with. Well, first I want to start with the story that happened uh... last week i believe it was on two-day night i uh... i did did creeps with kids and it was right when got to go i was in came back around one o'clock in the morning and i ran into rich valses at the garage oh that's a good story and he he he he we were talking for a while outside the

cell and then he goes like this He goes, yo, what you going I got to get my car to the garage you goes good. Give me a ride. I'll come with you Give me a ride up the street And he goes He goes all right, so we go to the car. We go to the garage over here right by the seller And they pull up a brand new Range Rover. I mean it's cool. It's fucking and I go you like my new car He's like, yeah, it's nice and he's fucking. And I go, you like my new car? He's like, yes, nice. And he gets in. I go, I'm just going to go to the back. He'll push his

head. And I go, yeah, I'm just going to get in the back and put my stuff in. So I go around the back as I'm going around the back, he's in the car, adjusting the seat and my car, my Ford Edge pulls up. And I just get in and leave. And he's one third of the more, they're closed. So it's just him and a Mexican dude. And the dude walk up some five four minutes, bosses in this car. Somebody's car, even on his. The guy comes over and goes, we're closed and I go,

that's good. I'm just waiting for the guy to drive. Should we get out? And the first thing I do, I go, I go, this is my fuck, I better get a new car. He's got a new car. I got to get a new car. Of course, he makes it about him as soon as he gets,

he's hate, he's a little resenting me. He said, I have enough money to get this fucking insane rest Rover. He starts tumbling out of control. Why the fuck does he have it? Not happy for me. At all. Not even going this is not. This is my this is my teacher was a nice car. Yeah, but in your head in the world that you really live in

Yeah, you were fucking why does he get no no no, I'm saying nice car if he can if he deserves one Which he does What yes you he deserves one because he's doing the right things in light in like I'm driving. I'm literally on 25th Street I get a phone call from this dumb dumb What he was mad to what the fuck's wrong? I was in man. I was doing man a little bit and then I was walking back to my car in a rat rail right across my Way to close my feet good Yeah, it's a sign

It's a sign. Yeah. Fucking asshole. It was so funny. It was so funny. I was in the car. I almost had a Polovo's laughing. So I'd, he said, there were four minutes in some dude's fucking ring.

Whatever the owner came and shot me. What do you do? Oh, that would have been even funny. Oh my god. That would have been the best story ever. Right at your funeral, we all tell stories. Yeah. Oh, I don't want him to dead.

I just don't know. I want him going. Oh, dead. I just don't know. I want to go on. That's a better story. Alright, so anyways, pull up this story. I think Moss Body. If I was ever going to do drugs, it would be pot. Can you not call it pot?

I want pot. I want pot. You got any fucking pot on you? I'm not a cop You're... Why are you like a cop? You got any grass? You got any fucking pot on you? I'm not a cop. I am not a cop! Smash his arm with a tindo. Not you, not you, and not you.

Not you. Lewis, what are you doing? What can I help you with? I'm all my nose, we're ready. His dick ass hips just keep bumping up into me. That's a fucking big chubby Puerto Rican nose you got. Is that you? You're in shape or you in shape, man?

Sort of in shape. I'm back on heat on two days and a week Hmm kiddo You are bringing a decent respect to the kiddo Lewis you are puff your snake you got a clean shave. You're all shaved about the head. Oh, yeah I wish a bit of dog. You know, this is a K1 ox membership. You get a date tonight. No, I just you know I steam every day. I shave. I steam today. It means suck guys off I suck guys off, Bob. Yeah, do you have ever got come up to you in this team room every time almost every time That's how much I love steaming. Homos Homos every time

I have to fight I got to beat him off with a stick they close you beat him off my dick They want to crunch that a close the steam room down because it was just guys sucking second each other. Oh man. I got a steam room every day and it's just me. Nobody bothers me. Yeah. I actually leave. Do you wear glasses in the mold? No. Oh. The other way that glasses in the steam room should be. I don't know. I thought it'd be funny if your glasses were all steamed up. I read that. I bring they do a little printouts of the time'sest and I, uh, wet and good.

Yeah, that's okay, but that's for the Mexicans to clean up. All right. What are you gonna get? No wet. Good to see you, Gabby. It's been a while. Oh, yeah.

Gabby is a hot smog. This women get wet. You like the Gabby's hot? Gabby's a fucking hot. What are you kidding? He's got one bitch. All right. You would just really take it from nice to shitting.

I love that you just jerked back and forth. You go, oh no, she's a classic beauty. You can tell the way her bone structure is. Better pussy gets nice and white. He's gonna throw a nag in at the end. I think she's hot. She's white. What are you talking about? Oh, man. Is that your top, top villain for you? A nice porcelain doll? No, she said something about a nag.

I'm not sure. He just did two nag jokes in a row. No. Welcome, Lewis. Jay Gomez, Joe List. Dan Soda back on the show. The regulars. We have a couple of few people.

We have a new intro when it's just the regular. Oh, they made it. Awesome. That's great. You guys make special intro. Yeah, say some funny shit. Funny shit. All right, cool. That's how the host does you motherfuck it Sometimes we're gonna change people's lives here on the white heated we depart. No

You never know. Yeah, but sometimes you do don't play both sides of the content That's what the host posted down my name is Joe de Rose and I'm in the intro for no reason. Oh, I was on the show before it became this show I'm in the intro for no reason. Oh, I was on the show before it became this show Put a good chosen talent today. Oh, I know I wish you'd have had them on the show Who will get a 45 minute phone call about that what hi Dead it's Bobby mad at me. Yeah, my Joe de Rosa's the same as my Bobby And you bill burrs. Yeah, it's all the same bill burrs. It's all the same bill. So into it. Yeah, go ahead.

Joe Derosa. Yeah. Bob Kelly. Yeah. Joe is one of the, I mean, Joe is the reg. Yeah. I mean, he's the, he's the rich. Can you be a rich?

Give me a reg. Yeah. Joe, I think he's in a rich. He's in a rich. A rich. You guys the reg. Colin and Joe are I think he's in a ridge. He's in a ridge. You guys in a ridge. You guys in a ridge. Colin and Joe are the aridges. Colin is the aridge.

No, we're the regs, they're the fags. Yeah. So, Paul, game. Yeah. Take that, original. If you keep the score, it must be where extra crispy. Yeah. If you're keeping a score at home, Lewis is at three N words, one fag.

We are five minutes into the show. Yeah. He's describing the show he did last night. This is so boss. Woo boy. He can have a colloquine. God bless him. He died, that's fucked up, dude. His job bless this soul.

He's up there. He didn't, don't say that. He didn't die. He died, yeah. You didn't know that then? Did he come back? Did he die again? Did he die again? We talked about that. Did he came back Then he died again We don't know

We're not talking about his zombie would be hilarious. I'm gonna fucking eat your brains We're not talking about his career. Okay Burn them bro The first time it started but then Lewis did a couple of He just steps on people kicking my wallet down this guy's almost dead You're gonna fucking make fun of my losses on Adderall, but he's not kicking it. I'm not how you off it I'm not what are you off? I am a different medication. What do you know? No doggy none of your business

Are you on a clown? What are you my doctor? I want to know. Yeah, well your friends. We want to know what are you on a colonipin? No, I know By the way, it knocks you the fuck out. Yeah, you can take you on a pin If loose was rocking like this on clonipin. I'd be like you are a monster What do you take it? What do you got none of your beeswax? Come on? Tell me the new brain pill. Yeah Yeah, oh they have that the limitless I have it All right, what is it? It's a brain pill

Clearly not using it double high five Are you burning? Come on, do you get a kick in my while his amazement? I heard one of the side effects is it makes you gain a ton of weight Thanks Mike Yeah, there's a brain pill Dr. Steve talked about it. There's a brain pill Not they all brain pills. No, there's an actual pill. You need a stomach pill I don't know why you go for the brain one here. You did that joke you fucking pack You need a stomach pill. I don't know why you go for the brain one here. You did that joke you fucking pack

Can you go back to stand up for a month just to get your ship back together listen nothing all right cool Real yeah, there's a brain pill called What's called new alpha brain? No alpha brain bro Fuck those beta brains Not not it's not a vitamin. It's an actual pill. It's not a vitamin on alpha brain You don't need to do math you just break the pencil you just go pencils are for facts One plus one equal snack actual Gicks going pussy I'm an alpha genius alpha genius. I do my thinking by push ups

Two in the pink one in the stink. That's the only math. I do alpha. I'm for algebra Two in the pussy one in the student We are having a lot of fun here I know what he's doing. He's actually looking for a real fact right now Gabby's just checking her social media. I just I have such a I have such fucking I have such fucking I When it's like when somebody's driving I get fucked up when somebody's on the computer and they're typing in the wrong things

I want to fucking smash the keyboard. Yeah, you almost killed Kelly for stucco multiple times Fuck I forget the name of it. All right fucking smash the keyboard. Yeah, you almost killed Kelly for stucco multiple times you're doing that wrong. Fuck, I forget the name of it. All right, well, Dr. Steve, or take the brain pill. If you were taking, yeah, that's what's the, yeah. You're gonna take the pill.

Type in brain drug. I mean, that does nothing on Google. Drugs. You guys will type in food. I mean brain drugs. But all drugs are related to the brain, no? Yeah. I mean I know dumb dumb smart the 15 top so to fucking 15 things right oh man

you really are like if a gorilla could talk yeah yeah yeah yeah stop stop stop stop what what Stop stop stop what? This time he talks to huggers Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Jack three a team is it hyperzine is it all but the prep is all Is it meffal but little light is that riddle in riddle in no, it's not riddle in is it You're true. What's the one you're on right now? What's the one you're gonna you're fucking business?

What's it called none of your beeswax? What's it called? I see what you did That's a cloth. What is it called Dexadrin Dexadrin dude this kid I don't know I get this I'm gonna ask me three times. I just wanted to get it out of them. That was good call But they're also Dex Drain is what my buddy and college used to take. And it's like, it's basically Adderall, right? It's like a lower version. It's like, yeah, without the speediness

of my NAS hype down. Oh, thank God, you know something? I agree with you, though. Talking to you, there was a couple of times when I was like, I gotta go. Cause I was gonna, I was fucking anxious talking to you. There was one time where I was trying to spill my heart out to Lewis at the stand.

And he was so Adderalled up that he just didn't pay attention. And I was like,. There was one time where I was trying to spill my heart out to Lewis, hit the stand, and he was so addiralled up that he just didn't pay attention, and I was like, that just hurts. I was teething on my own life at that moment. But then you were just on your phone, and I was like, hey, Lewis, and you looked at me, and I was like, yeah, I kind of have a tough time going through this breakup, and you go, yeah.

And he just went back to your phone, and I was like, oh, well, I guess I'll just, well, you know, I'm fucking thinking of the higher level. You're talking about some bitch you've been dating for six months 10 It was 10 who cares? That's not really love I was such a dickhead your friends reaching out for help I'm gonna shit on you If you're in a 10 month relationship, yes, that's not enough for me to care

What do you do you care as a friend? It has to be you have to be like, it has to be real fucking love. All right, I say, I mean, I don't know why you could judge that not in 10 months. Certainly felt real. Amy Schumer's married less than six months. Yep. Get out of town. Yeah.

Yeah. That alone actually shouldn't have gotten less than six months? Yeah, and your best friend Dave just got engaged less than a year. No, they were, you're in half. All right, a year. Yeah, a year. Dick had. You're under two years. Fucking Dick had. Dick half. All right, a year. Yeah, a year. Dick had a year. Under two years.

Fucking Dick had. Dick had. Don't be dick had. Are you guys gonna kiss now? No, we're gonna fight. Like we always do. How long you in Kimminder? Awww, it'll be a year and a half.

Do you love her? Yeah. Well, there you go. Is that real love? 10 months. 10 months, no, two years. It's not real love? If I broke up with Kim and I was bitching about it,

you should call me a faggot. Oh, really bitching about a score for 10 months. Yeah, bitching about is really going should call me a faggot. Oh really bitching about it for 10 Yeah, bitching about really going hey, I'm having a kind of having a tough time going to this break up Oh my god, you windy faggot even now I'm replaying it on my head right now And you're going back to your phone I love Lewis is literally one of five guys. You can still say faggot. I like that Lewis nobody says I like that Lewis pants himself into a corner where he's got his own rules He's gonna have to live by now.

If a breakup happens under two years, I'm like, I don't care. I'm suicidal, I'm like, you're a pussy. You don't get, you don't get a fuck about breaking up a girl, so you move on quick. No, what I do is I remind myself that time heals and that, oh, I give this throw.

This new drug is the worst drug ever. You give this throw, pull. Do you want to get a silky terrier? He goes, I know that behind every cloud the sun still shines. I hate that. I hate positive loot. Try if I have one foot in tomorrow and one foot, yes, y'all are missing all of it today, Faggets.

What the fuck? When I look down to the stand, there was only one set of complaints. I thought I realized Jesus was being a bitch and riding on my back. I'll tell you what's it look down to the stand, there was only one set of complaints. I said, I realized Jesus was being a bitch and riding on my back. I'll tell you what's it a dude carry me because I'm not a fake. Being, can I say something without you getting upset? Oh God.

Here's the thing. That's never, that's never worked with me. That's never worked with me. It's always made me upset. I know, I know. I don't know how to answer that. You not even let me answer it. I know.

You ask me if I can do it, and I don't know if I can do can do it. Here's the thing. Let me answer your question. Okay. No How's that so glad? Okay, I can still talk though. Yeah Podcast you guys you guys do who's you guys you are in Joe? Yes, you didn't really go camping Here's the thing My body Yes, you didn't really go camping you my the oh Here's the you mother my body is it I can't feel my asshole here's it when you're so you didn't do that with three people The best I'll give is the best. I don't give a fuck he's the best. He's the best. It's the ones he needs.

He gets out right. Yeah. They went camping. I only went for a damn though. I'm gonna tell you something. They had, listen, they had bacon egg and cheese in the morning. No, he's walking around with Italian hairline. And they went for one.

I'm saying, what you did, it was cute. Spend a night. Yes. You couldn't do it. It was a, you couldn't do it. do it. I couldn't I could do it with two slim gyms and a fucking and one coffee I'd make it through today through today. Let's listen to me first of all now with fucking gourmet Which is first of all you fucking look at it's been addicted You know you know they brought a fun do you Maybe we brought too much A little bell

The bell are you ready to bail? They fall like that in a woods him and Joe We might have brought a little too much That was my bag I literally I cooked three-star long steaks Rice peal off I can prove in my point I'm not trying to become a Three-star

I I had three skulls go you had rice peel off and stay You're a prison in good. Tell us amazing. Why don't you I wouldn't win if I would have known you had a fucking If you could have gotten this fucking picnic Wasn't a panning trip it was a buffet. They had a traveling buffet buffet A buffet, a buffet in the woods with Bobby. What the fuck? Anybody bake his cookies? What the fuck? I was gonna break cookie.

Cookie down because I was gonna freeze it. Hopefully we throw it out. I was gonna make a big cookie, one big one. I learned how to make a ham cookie. That's what those custom knives are for. They got they got down to the bottom of the hill and it was a holiday in. That's the first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first, first I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna come to Moosebush. Oh fuck me. I'm gonna see if I get these photos up to you, clock suckers.

Oh my god, face hurts. Wow. Alright, listen to me. Oh fuck. Dude, first of all, I can't get up to you motherfucker really It's not your husband up there. Oh All right listen. I can't get out. I was gonna put up on the street. I had a show I had two weekends ago at the Sheraton and go ahead

I'm gonna say no snake bites. We get up to the top. We get up to the top and We make our way down this riverbed. This is before FDA to stake. I had this I didn't have a stake yet Yeah, they got a lot of the sandwich for lunch We didn't want to fucking stop a cook you got a sandwich you threw it in the back, right? So me and Ari split a sub at the top of the two look at you hiked vertical two fucking miles It's with 60 pounds of produce in your bag It's with 60 pounds of produce in your bag Better be a hot dog truck So we get up to the top, we make it through the path.

Now there's, there's, it's called the fire lookout. And then you walk through this path a little further up, it's a different trail. And you get up to this big, it's this big metal fucking stairway that goes up to the top. And you can look out all the whole fucking cat skills and see fire shit or whatever the fireman used right but when you go there that's where most of the rattlesnakes are they say and there's hundreds of them up there they say and there's tons of videos where people hikers running into these and there's um copper heads up there a lot of copper heads and they're up there but we will I was like you know what let's not even fucking go there. Let's just go to echo Lake

Because we were running late we started late because don't cook Don't cook omelets and sausage and had muffins and English muffins and for breakfast on the campsite No, I'm at my house because we all slept at my house So we had this huge breakfast. You sleep outside to practice. Some boys got sleep over. No career you're gonna have to. I, yeah, not a lot of it. Too hard. Wow. Shit, that was way too hard. I'm sorry. What do you say? Whether we're at the practice, you guys sleepin' outside, like a homeless person. So far, too far. So your menu. Yeah, hang on, hang on. Let me get to the menu verse. Okay, okay

We get we get deafened town We get downtown. Yeah, where's your backpack? We just Just throwing stuff out now. So I know he's got an item I know but it wasn't but why would I try to keep up with me and Verzy the fact that Verzy's keeping up with me is big Small he is a very funny guy. I know, all right, for 10. So this is the worst. Why am I doing this with you here? It's a great story here.

If you weren't here, we'd be having a nice conversation. It'd be based around you. So anyways, we avoided that whole part, but this is what a snake bite looks like if you want to see it. It's pretty gross. A rattlesnake bite. Yeah, they know what a fucking... Yeah, look at that.

The aftermath of one. This is what it's like. Yeah, what's that net? What's that? That's a skin graph. Oh, look at that. Oh. So basically...

So you're seeing... It didn't fucking beat us off? Well, I forget what they call it, but it eats. Next, a necromancy. Yeah, it eats away the flesh. So basically so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're so you're up, dogs just run around. Yeah, yeah. So you wouldn't want to bring your dog up to this one, because they'll run through the grass and get fucking nailed by one of these snakes, and you're done. All right, I came. We don't have to look anymore.

Those $300 kits were for pets, by the way. That's what they were smaller. The $300 kits were pets. They'll $300 miles, man. There you go. Versi. $300 kits were for pets, not humans. Look at that.

Yeah, humans are $14,000, $15,000, $20,000. not humans look at that. Yeah, the humans are 14 15 20 thousand dollars Oh look at that pinky. Oh, yeah, what's one the one all the way to the left down the bottom is that guy holding a globe? Or is that what is that that's the fucking skin dude? Yeah, that's what happens to you Yeah, fuck you up even if you get the vent even if you get the Antio whatever event and anti-bite if fuck you're still If you get the anti-whatever event, if you're still scarred. So, but let me ask you this question. If you don't have access to a phone and you're fucking miles out in the middle of nowhere,

you have to keep your heart rate down as much as you can and not panic and try to get out. Because if your heart rate goes up, your blood's gonna be pushing the venom through your body. So you keep your heart rate down. That's what true grit's about, basically. That's what true grits about basically that would be true grit Yeah, yeah, what's what happens at the end? What what true grit? like that's

Black breakfast That was just a stretch Great Grits Maybe Grits. I made it wrong. I made it wrong. That was really good. Maybe I just got it all like wrong. I got two grits. I thought I was on my game. Fucking boss is fucking wrong. Me and boss, you first.

Bobby's bringing chicken palm rips. Don't worry. You can rock it. Hey, look at that. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.'t worry. You can rock it. Hey, look what I got.

It's going to be the best greener of feasts you ever fucking see. Oh my God. So don'ts make a muffin. We have Bobby's cake. Here's where you're wrong, verse. Here's where you're wrong, verse. Here's where you're wrong, verse. We get down on this fucking lake. Now mind you, say we're down to the lake

and someone gets bit. That's two miles up, two hours, two miles down to us. It's four, that's four, are you gonna fuck a stop laugh? I just picked you up. I just picked you up. I just picked you up. Are you throwing up? Somebody go, would he get bit by a snake?

No, he ain't too much. He's puke and cake. Oh fuck. Get the antepadam now, no, it's just cake. There was too much frosting. She put too much frosting on the fucking thing. He loses much of a snake bite. No, diabetes.

Oh my God. When you break it, when you unpack it like this. How many? Who carried the picnic? He added a flatable picnic table Stop banging on the floors, right? Stop as people underneath Like fucking deaf jamming here

I lose the horse Right, it's like fucking deaf jam in here All right, so verzy Versi I'm telling you I'm coming verzy I'm telling you all listen. We might have brought up too much stuff, but We get down we had to there's I Think there's ten campsites around this lake, but they're not campsites there Well, they have one they'll be have one lean to and there was two dudes in that they took that right away So but off to the right you got to keep walking around this whole lake So it's first come for the serves you don't have to sign up or not? No, but there's no, there's nothing. It's not like a campsite. It's like, it's, it's in no path.

Yeah. You kind of walk through the woods and there's campers, hikers have made these campsites over the years. So, they went and got rocks and put, put them like made it like a bunch of chairs out of these rocks like slate. And then they made fire pits like hikers did this shit, right? And the rangers, right? So we find this one thing away from these guys. We don't want to be in there anybody. Went way around the other side of Lake.

Now we're going to go get wood. We're going to build a fire. I got to start cooking the rice. Peel off because that looks a little long with regular rice. But here's the thing. You make a sound like these guys built you a hotel and you walked out, we got to get wood. There's nothing you had everything ready for. First of all, there was some wood already there. But the last hikers left us wood. You cosplayed

camping. Was that a ghost that I know the pizza delivery guy I've been you got to go story. I just come No fucking road in there you kids know this is the fucking why it's primitive There's no you can't get the car. Where did you leave the car? It's four miles away you poor thing at the parking spot you can't get I said wouldn't be finally was sitting at the campsite. I said how funny would be if I just push my on button on my my car button And you're a beep beep and our car was like right right through the woods the parking lot is right there That was your movie in the movie survive when the when the soccer team

They were eat, you know where they were eating a lot of the original one I think it was close to the war like but there was like a city like right through the woods on the other on the other was a comedy any how they were far now they weren't too far from the first is on fire in your west did you get a bunch of uh... like age things start smack and then things I never had before I'm currently dealing with I either have a my first ever Hemroyd or there's a or there's a hard marble in my Maybe it's a tumor can you type in hard marble and asshole?

No, sorry When you marble in it. There's a lot of fun. Like that is because someone else has searched that same thing. That's why it comes right up. Oh, there's some of the fucking asshole and Montgomery, Alabama. Hard marble in asshole. I'm worried about a small lump in my head.

That's on though. I'm talking about in. Yeah. Yeah. Can you capitalize in? Peace, I was lump. Peace, I was that. I see that down there on the bottom.

Peace, I was lump. No, right down the bottom there. There you go. Lump around anal hole. Yours is in, dude. If you think you have a medical emergency blah, blah, blah, proven blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why are we doing this?

This is just a problem. I don't know if you have cancer. I just like you have to call Dyson say hey I'm not going on the tour. I got a lump in my ass. Oh, oh, I just sort of nothing. All right. Good. Listen to that was more sad. If I do an act out you laugh. You live it's not fun. I got it. All right. Cool. Cool. Cool. I'm sorry. I'm fucking impressed. I don't think it's not fun. I got it, I got it. I got it. Cool, cool, cool.

It's like fucking pressed. What a read it out loud there, Michael. Hello, I have the following problem. It's a fairly small lump about pea sized. It's not particularly painful. Yeah. But if I press on it, there is a little bit of a mess. Is that what, nothing severe at all.

It's around the hole of the anus. I first noticed that maybe a week and a half ago. At first, I couldn't locate it again, so I forgot all about it. Not many. Earlier today, I came across it again. There it is. It's not particularly hard. It's not exactly softy there, and it isn't really prone to moving around too much. I think the first thing was just-

When we just- That's the one second. What is Gabby doing? Checking her ass hole from the pizza. She's fingering her ass all the time. Guys, I got it. Like a second opinion. What is it?

What a hair. I'm not. I'm all good. Check spill your finger and check me. I don't know what to do. Why would you do a magic? I was trying to look for the bomb dinner. Oh, okay. It's not there. It's not there. magic? I was trying to look for the bomb danna. Oh, okay.

It's not there. It's not there. Wow, I would love to use it, but where is it? Did somebody steal it? Where is it? It's not the cup. It's not the cup. So what did the doctors say?

So I was trying to find. Really? He didn't go to the doctor. That's why he wrote it on the internet like that. He was over the first half of the asshole. But usually doctors reply after. Oh no. Because Chris, you're so negative. He doesn't even have a follow-up. He died. Like that Usually doctors reply Oh

You're so negative he doesn't even have he doesn't even have a follow-up. He died I feel like you're a gang member instead of a comic there I wish I would have died in some gang shit if this is what I got to look forward to getting older shit So fucking angry None of my homies that died and got murals on the wall have to worry about any of this shit true I call a doctor forever young call doctor shit. True. Call a doctor. Forever young. Call a doctor, Steve, right now. Thank you. Old school way.

Phone up to Mike. Yeah. I hope he has only got information. Well, I'm going to get my skin tagged removed next week. Just cut him off in nail clippers, bro. Yeah. Hello. Hey, man.

Hey, Steve. You live on YKWD. I need your help. Oh, OK. Well, real quick. Yeah, let me move to a place where I can take this heart back in the cooler. Let me put this dead ladies hand down. All right what you got. I locked myself in the bathroom at the cancer center. Oh, just smelling cancer shits. Can't deal with it anymore.

It's the bunch of bald people. I can evacuate my battles while I'm talking to you. Oh, please. Oh, nice. That's why we're here. Take a nice healthy doctor shit. Absolutely. Hey, okay, two things.

Skin tags. Now, if you get a skin tag on the right side near your asshole what is that? Oh okay if it's near your asshole it's most likely an old hemorrhoid because we don't tend to develop skin tags in that area unless there's hemorrhoid tissues so what happens is you get a hemorrhoid is a vericose vein of the asshole. Yeah. And some of these things will kind of bloop up to the outside and as they start to burn down.

Do you use the word bloop? It's a medical term, it's a medical term. No, I'm just checking. It's from the way. No. Bloobless. I like bloop. What have it? I like look.

What of it? And then as the vein sort of scars down and leave a skin tag there. That's usually one that does. Okay, now you can't just rip skin tags off, right? I wouldn't advise against it, although the way we remove skin tags is kind of... What we'll do is we'll sterilize the area. Yeah. And then which is? Or steps. For sex, male flippers.

On the skin tag itself, so you pull it up. And then we have surgical scissors that are razor-sharred. And you kind of bend the thing over one of the blades of the scissors to just a very quickly cut off the blood supply and then you've snipped it. It takes just, you know, however long it takes to snip it. Dr. Steve. When you do it, that way it doesn't bleed very much and it will heal without a scar. Dr. Steve, let's just say you're like, you know, like a train jumping hobo and you don't have time to find a doctor. Could nail clippers do the same function? Okay, I did that on myself because I don't take my own advice until, you know, I tell

people go to the doctor and have this done because we can do it properly. So I had these nail clippers and I had one in my Inglinal region, a.k.a. my groin. And I don't recommend since it's...because I got a half way through and I went, oh shit, this is a mistake. And then I had to finish and it was extremely painful. Those things aren't sharp enough and you can't do it quick enough to do it painlessly. Now what if I had a bushcraft knife? Yeah. It's very expensive. bushcraft knife yeah

you know you use the right tool for the job you know the right tool for this is vertical scissors and left left hand scissors in a right hand now i've had people you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you you know you know you know you you know you know you know you you know you you know you know you you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you know you you know you know you you know you know you know you you know you you know you you know you you know you know you you know you you know you know you you know you know you know you know you know you you know you you know you you know you know you you you you know you you know you know you you know you you you know you know you know you know you know you you know you know you you know you you know you know you you you know you know you know you know you know you you tag hanging off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you have a wife That you have a wife that's throwing up in the fucking garbage She had a hold the skin tag while you tied it I asked about my Yes, this is the main problem we need to ask I hope you have some more poo in your boat You're you're got to let out because big J has

Big J has a hard P likelike lump in his ass hole and in his, in his ass hole. Never felt it before, but I just see, you know, Dr. Steve, I'm really like to pay attention to cleanliness and in the shower, I will about half index finger, finger my ass hole. Half? Half? In there. You're not allowed a lot of people to do that. You talking second knuckle? Second knuckle? Yes, second knuckle. or my asshole. And in there, you're not allowed a lot of people to do that.

You talking second knuckle? Second knuckle? Yes, second knuckle for sure. And in there on the my left, you are right hand side. I bet your asshole looks like the end of an elephant trunk. Nope, it's okay. I'm telling you. I think a lot of you can care of it.

Inside, I felt like, yeah, like a little hard. It hurts a little if you push. It's not terrible, but I've never felt that before it's hard yeah okay so that is most likely a thrombost hemorrhide in other words you had a hemorrhide there and now it's clotted off and it's become hard the thing is you can't tell without visualizing the name thing so what you what're gonna wanna do is go to your primary care provider and they should have a thing called an anoscope. What an anoscope is, it's a funnel.

It's a metal funnel with a slot in it. And you shove this thing up the person's assholes and then you pull the little slot out and the rectal tissue will kind of fold into the slot And then you can turn this thing around 360 degrees and see the complete inside of me Okay He is a Bobby it's about the width of Bobby's fingers would be like a Bobby What's your that that's fine?

It's no worse. Now if I have one of those at my house, can I let him borrow my analogue? Yes, as long as you clean it, he could use your analogue. Yeah, because I sold those as merch around three years ago in Canada, on the Canadian tour. My analogue. That's hilarious. I could actually get you some anus Cubs that you can do. Can I please have some?

Oh, absolutely. Thank you. Um, I'm not even can I do it? Can I do can I do and can I do it to Jay? Um, yeah, you know, I wouldn't against doctors orders obviously. Dr. Steve, if I gave enough and I can get nail clippers up there would you suggest? I have a first aid kit. It's just a bunch of band-aids and nail flippers Like a really relaxed enough to get a whole set of nail clippers up there And that's rebel size like legit nail clippers

You could just look at it, you wouldn't need the anus Use the toilet paper roll to hold it open Yeah Alright so he needs to go to the doctors, I need to go to the doctors to get him Okay, yeah, because I don't want to fight And if you lose weight, then I won't have any more skin tags, right? Well, they're okay. So the most skin tags show up in folds. So if you don't have a fold, you're going to have fewer skin tags. And if you lose weight,

you'll have fewer folds. So that follows. Most of these things are genetic, though, I've seen people with just like hundreds of them on their neck. But doesn't it just, yeah. Losing a fold just exposes the skin tags, right? It's like this.

Yeah, maybe, maybe, but it's that kind of skin is more susceptible to that. Oh, that old lady can on cats. Keep your folds in your skin tags or lose the weight and get your skin tags removed. Dr. Steve, this thing in my butthole, do you, once they funnel my ass, well, I'm okay with all that.

Once they funnel my ass, the treatment would be what? Just kind of leave it alone, I'll go away. I put preparation age up my ass all today. Yeah, if it's just a scarred down hemorrhoid, they can just leave it alone. Nice. If it's not painful and it's not bleeding,

you don't have to do anything to it, but they need to confirm that's what it is. Buttes. Because it could be cancer. Well, it could be a, you know, it could be a ward or something. You know what I mean, M, maybe. Now here's a problem.

Dr. Steve, here's a problem. What if my primary care physician just got indicted on accepting bribes to send people to certain medical labs? Sounds like a good egg. Yeah, she's doing all right. Don't go to Latina woman doctor. She's people in her apartment. She's in all kinds of trouble. Yeah, she's bitch. Her kid's in the waiting room because it's her living room. Poppy, put it down. OK, come on in.

I forgot my anal funnel. Hector, bring mama the anal funnel. I'm playing with mommy. You said I got play with it. Bring mama Drey. See? See? See? All right.

Dr. Steve, thank you so much. I'm fine, Dr. Steve. I'll write my friends. I have medicine on broadcast. Weird medicine. One of my favorite shows on riotcasts. Go check it out. The great Dr. Steve, everybody.

Take it easy, buddy. I'm doing the hand jerk off signal. What's that? No, no. No visuals don't work on radio. I know. I don't know if it's good having a doctor on call like that. It's just like, that's like human web MD.

You're gonna get the worst to go. It's all those things or just could be straight up cancer. I don't have also. Yeah. Same thing that the web details you, chronic headaches. Like you're probably not drinking enough water or fullown cancer. Well, he write about that because I call him a lot about shit.

And I've learned there's certain things I'm just gonna have to take the hit on. But I've never heard you call him in him not answering, either. That's the scary thing. Well, because we're very close friends. We're friends other than me calling him for that stuff. And of course the podcast, he's been to my house for Thanksgiving, I know his family, his kids.

I've never been to his office. I've been to his house. But not his office. Well, he's a doctor. Yeah, he's a doctor. His office is a hospital, he works at a hospice. So he doesn't have like a, he has an office in there, but a hospice. Yeah, that's how it's like, he's just don't.

He would come. That's only people who were done. Yeah, he's the worst kind of doctor. He went intoice. Yeah, that's how it's like. It's just doggy. What's that? That's only people who are doggy. He's the worst kind of doggy. He went into some foggy, I hear. They put him at the end of the line where you can't save anybody's life. Steve, listen, you're a pretty shitty doctor, so just keep these people comfortable until they die. Look at their skin tags off.

I'm going to figure their butt holes and funnels. What's the stuff on their funky toenails? I love the belly kisses. I love belly kisses. What is it takes? He's just sitting up and sitting towards the light. Better angle on my chin. That is a dream job that we can update for comics, I think, because you get to just tell

jokes on TV. Yeah. And it's not your act. You just get to tell jokes that are not your act on TV every week. Not your act. Tell jokes every week and you have a team of writers helping you just do that. One thing as opposed to having to write skits become different people, act, read a fucking cue card,

work with different stars all the time. Yeah, it is a stationary gig. It's probably the best gig a standup can have. A standup can have. It's my favorite part of the show because at best, a good episode of Best in L has two sketches I really like. I'm not saying that's gonna be critical. It's tough. Sounds critical and sounds very

We can update you. We need to know that part of it. We could just you know, you could just But no, it's my favorite I like seven minutes out of the hour and a half. That was nice I was like two things out of the whole thing if I like seven minutes of an hour and a half a Sam's sad That would be that would be his best said ever That that really died on the table. I don't know why you stopped messing. Yeah, that's called the bomb end. I know what it is. I know what it is.

I know you, nurse. Just tied around your neck. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. It won't fit. Ha ha ha. No, you got a muscula neck. I have a muscula neck.

Yes. What do you try and get at? I'm trying to get at it. Make sure to get my neck. Ha ha ha. If you want to see my muscula neck. Ha ha ha. You have a very Canadian.

It reminds me of Thanksgiving. Oh my God. Trick me since I'm small, Max. Why would you remind you Thanksgiving, you're not crying alone in the gutter. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Are you friends at all? Is it? I forgot what the worst people were. Lauren, Rich Key, and we're not as mean to each other as this. Are you guys in me when you get to Boss, the Rich Boss story? What do we do to Boss?

Oh, you and Keith, I'll have Boss, the under guy, and that's one of the best stories. Well, here's, here, here, we were, there's a couple of things I wanna talk about today. We're gonna talk about them, a show, we'll think what this thing happened. Boss came down, you know, Vos comes in, he calls himself a legend, which bugs me.

You're sure to say I'm a legend. I'm a legend. They say legend. With a, but it's not, it doesn't say legend, it has a photo in him. I don't even get, I don't even get him anymore. I just don't get him. I don't get it. So fucking I'm sorry to have more than three rings as a man. He has four diamond rings. It's horrible on his hands. You know what boss? Boss is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. We're on the impractical

joker's cruise and he some woman comes up to us after the show is like she's just going through like you know she's a little annoying. She's like said to me you were my us after the show, she's just going through, you know, she's a little annoying. She's like, said to me, you were my favorite on the show to me and boss just goes, Well, was she really drunk? Yes, but boss turns when he goes, oh yeah, well your two friends are prettier than you. That's what, she uses Christ, man. What was it true?

I don't, probably, but also it's like, it was pretty good. It was so, it was true, it makes me laugh even more. I was thinking that hilarious as Voss has those, like, stockpiles from over the years of people being like, you were the worst on the show. Every time he gets a new tattoo or ring, he has to go up with a new ticket. So he came down to the,

we saw he was following Nikki Glazer. Now Nikki Glazer is hilarious, but she, not but but she's hilarious. But I have to say because she has, she's very, she's not going to suck in dick and her pussy and it's funny, really dirty, but she murders with it. I'm talking the crowd. And that crap, we knew the show was mostly... What do you suck in dick material?

It's nothing, too, it's crazy. Well, I think that's something. I like this. He's got the flag of shame. Can you give it back to him? He's stuttering prick. He got the sa-ta-ta-ta. Like a dick tracy villain.

So yeah, when you've been he sealed Del Toro down another quippy thing in a movie. It's Star Wars. Talk regular! I mean, I wish. Don't get him said on Star Wars seriously. That's your insult to say that I'm a cast member of Star Wars. That's another one of my dreams. That's not going to come true. You're less funny than JoJoar Binks. That's not gonna come true

You're less funny than judge our binks That's bad Fuck it itself. So it's a funnier than judge The fact that you can win judge out right out of your fucking mouth Look at whippa judge out of binks out So so we knew that she was going to murder. The crowd was mostly parties of girls too. Just you can see a bunch of girl tables and couples, young couples, not all those late show.

Me and Keith were coming over to watch you bomb. And he's like, last part, huh? And you guys started getting nervous. We're coming over, you're gonna bomb, and we're gonna be there. We wanna watch you take a hot one after Nikki, goes up, talks about sucka dick. She's gonna murder, and you're gonna fucking bomb.

And we went over there, Nikki goes up. I mean, she just murders. She fucking murders. All the girls allow the guy. Everybody's dying. The waitstaff is fucking dying. We see boss Paisen He left the room he went upstairs and like I think he went and prayed Or he started doing push-ups something because he was not in the room. Oh, he came back down and he sat down

He has a such a long-winded first joke, but when you get to it, it's funny But if it doesn't work, he's fucked so he's going in sitting on the stool this old fucking comic after this hot blonde just went up and murdered and he does the joke and as soon as he says it made Keith both went awww and every joke after that he was a little edgy went awww no awww and then these fucking people just started awww the whole crowd awww anything he said awww and he's like you just watched the lady finger fuck us out of the house you fucking all me awww

and then we went awww every game of speech the whole crowd turned on him it was the funniest social experiment it was it's how shitty people I tell weak-willed people are that those just go with it look at man if you I mean look what Nikki was talking about and then with bosses talk about two different levels of fucking boss was kind of kind of dirty Nikki was like fucking I don't give a shit a lot of a guy when I'm on my fucking period get down there and fucking eat that bloody pussy out with it right and boss is doing like little cute dirty stuff. Oh the whole crowd. One girl went what's happening.

Oh it was a funny thing. It me me and Mike yard was on the ground Literally ever all of us were fucking dying just watching that old dude taking nice hot one after the youth of America No, because he pulled because you know I pulled it out You died I died for five and a row. He did five jokes to go laughs, but not really. And he was like five and a row to himself. He really is like a puppet holding a puppet. Do you know what I'm saying?

He's got the hat. What'd you say? He's got the hat. He does, he's got the dumb hat. And he's got the hat. What'd you say? He's got the hat. Oh yeah, he does. He's got the dumb hat. And he's got puppet hands. He really does. He has little trump hands. He does.

So yeah, we fucking smashed him. But then this cocksucker calls me up the next day. He comes in first. I do a gig for him. He calls me up because how much you want? You want 150 or 200? I'm like, oh my god. Who does that?

Who fucking makes somebody choose? How much they want 200 fuck face? Why would you do that to me? You're my friend. Wait for what? For a gig we did. He goes, it usually pays 200, but we didn't sell a lot of tickets. You want 150 or 200. 200 fuck you. Shows up with the 200. He goes, I'm giving you 200. I'm like thank you for job well done, right? Then I go home the next day and my wife goes I'm going to the carnival max will be back I go here take all this I gave her the 220s. I get a text message from Vos. Don't use that money What is it counterfeit 20 in there what? He put a counterfeit 20 in my money.

He got a counterfeit and he stuck it in my money the next day. As a joke? I guess. That's a funny gag. Yeah. Calling the Treasury Department. That's a fun practical joke. He's so funny.

And then he goes, I didn't know. I go, you didn't know you put it in the now. I went to 7-Eleven and I gave it to them. And in the now I I went to 7-11 and I gave it to them And they when I went back to 7-11 first of all who goes to 7-11 and then goes back to 7-11 in the same fucking month So then he goes they gave it back to me and I put it in with you and I forgot I go you didn't do it intentionally No, I would never do that I go in the next day I go boss I go boss put a 20 in bi-axon and ask, he goes, no, he didn't.

Keith is like, no, he told us he was going to do it. He's like, I'm like, what? I'm like, you're 60. Why do you still lie? Like, you don't mean you don't have to lie anymore. It's almost over. Nothing's going to happen to you. It's also not really consistent with the joke you pulled on him. It's not a fair payback.

Yeah, my wife's gonna get fucking arrested at a car with my son. It's a lot of team throws her down. It is gonna have a big payoff. I'm not seeing what service comes by. Bobby gets detained, lost in my gotcha. I would have been funny. I actually would have been hilarious. She max crying. I'm not saying you would buy that robot, okay? You might borrow this. I'm not saying you'd buy a robot, okay? If we were, if we're all, if me and you burrow on the road, okay?

And this company, I'm not saying you would buy that robot, okay? You might borrow this. I'm not saying you'd buy a robot, okay? If we were, if we're all, if me and you burrow buy a robot, okay? All right, but if we were, if we're all, if me and you bear on the road, okay? And this company says, hey guys, go in your rooms. We put a sexual robot in each one of your rooms,

whatever you want. We found out what you like and what you, you know, and we put that, that, that program. Now you go into your room. Now this is a fucking, this is 3GU skin. this stuff is like real human skin. They talked here when you walk in she knows your name. Hey Paul My name is Tina you like that name is Italian is dirty Tina. It is the sperm cleaner. Yeah. Yeah, that is the good name You look and she's just got one area hanging out

Cleaner. Yeah, yeah, that is the good name. You look at she's just got one area all the hangout Hey, Tina you want me to touch your bag? You look sounds like an uncle Lou I Want to know if I Hang on I'm back in a Talk I'm back in a list you got Tina. She has backstory too. You can make she's like you met my father my uncle before He was a cop in Jersey. He was real mad at you All right now you ruined my uncle's wake Google the frisk, right?

All right now, you ruined my uncle's wake. So, so, so nice she's sitting there, right? And nobody knows. Now, maybe you know, fucker when you walk in, you're like, God, what the fuck, what the fuck you, and you call me, Bobby, you fucking, you know, I'm, I'm still, I'm fucking, I'm fucking right now. I'll call you back in 10 minutes. Is this 2018? Is this something date?

Right. All right, now it's late that night. It's late that night. We did the shows too. We played poker. We had cigars. It's 3 30 in the morning. We're exhausted. You get to sleep in the next day

because we go, two more shows the next night. And then we fly home on Sunday. It's fucking crazy right late night you lying there you can book this Keep going look at my fucking We do a three-man tour So oh He's gonna fuck it. He's gonna fuck it. He's gonna fuck it. He's gonna fuck it. He blew his car. So, oh, I'll jump right in and say I'd fuck that robot.

The problem is I just wouldn't buy one. I can't drag it into my house while my wife is asleep. I can't buy one. That's a check. It's gonna be given to you. What if your house is on fire? Is that your wife in there? You're like, I just don't give it up.

Her head's on fire. He's looking at this woman sitting in a chair, and her head's on fire, and they're like, get your wife! Nah, she's good. No, it's fine, she's okay. She's on fire, no, she don't, she don't. Why does it smell like burnt cum?

She's like, you're putting your heart. She's not breathing, quick. Put your mouth on her. You're putting your cock in the sheet, and you know it is. Buddy, first of all, I fucked one of these half-toursos. What? What? Wait, what's up a name? What are those called little people?

What is it? It's the sensation of fucking the most handicap person ever. What is it? Just like a rubber pillow? I'm on this race. It's an astronaut pussy. It's like that. I'm on this radio show one day. Johnny Dare, Kansas City, you know, am I? Johnny Danger. Johnny Dare. Johnny Dare. Johnny Dare.

Johnny Dare. Fucking greatest guy ever. Really sweet guy. Just a great guy. Rock and roll old school dude. He's, and this is one, you know, you kind of did a little crazy radio shock, shock type thing. He's really not like that now. He's just those great interviews now. But back then he would, you know, stick a bottle rocking up an intern's asshole and they used to do prices right on sex things. They had this torso, a little half a torso of this porn star. It's a model of her asshole in vagina and you can fuck both. And it's inside, you know, everything, it's a mole of her.

And so you wanna play, I go absolutely, because I'm fucking, I'm spending most of my time and at that time, young comic, doing Stanford and Suns. I go, cool, one guy had a broken hand, his jerk off hand, the other guy just got dumped by his wife. And me, you have to guess prices right I guessed within a dollar I said $129.99 it was one it was one 31 what that was with tax too I added a tax one one 31 fuck the thing dude if they go you win I this guy the guy with the broken hand was like are you kidding me the guy with the broken hand was like,

are you kidding me? The guy with the broken hand, he has a jerk off with the other hand was gonna fuck it. The guy who just dumped, got dumped by his wife. He needed it. He needed it. Yeah, I could have. The loneliest man needed it. I did, you did fucking there though, you went back.

Not in fucking there. I had a fucking studio like an animal. You bring the torso back to the hotel and you fucking like a gentleman. But they were all waiting, they were all waiting for me to give it to the thing, I was like, I got it. He's like, oh hotel and you fucking like a gentleman. But they're all waiting. They were all waiting for me to give it to the thing. I was like, oh, I'm fucking you. Yeah.

He's using the carpool lane with it. Day. Day, they go, you won. And they're like, wait for me to give it to the other guy. And I'm like, cool. Let's go to break. Let's go to break, figure out how to get this. Get to the G string. I had a packet. I had a fucking packet. Just buying it shit. You don't need foot locker, baby. I was living

with dawn at the time. I brought this fucking thing home and I told her I told her, you know, I'm a baby. I'm a, what are you doing with that? I got to worry about it, put it on my desk, I made it a pen holder. Did you put pens in its asshole? I put all pens in its, put it in her, in the pussy in the asshole. But as soon as she went out, go to the store, I fucked the shit out of it. I put that, I put it in the asshole. No, I, I'm, I'm working on my fucking savage, I'm pens without caps. Yeah, like, like, number two pencil around it.

Yeah, what am I fucking asshole? Lay it on your deck. Put a bunch of markers without caps in it. No, fucking, what a fucking savage. I took it. I happen to be into pencily assholes. I just took them out of the pussy. I took, I took, and here's, herein lies the problem with the fucking robot.

When I figure it out by fucking this. I've done the studies. I've done the test. You sound heavily repelled. Yeah, I'm heavily researched, David. I put it on the bed, I put the blanket, I put a pillow, I made the pillow into like the boobs, and I put another pillow as the head. How long did that take you?

10 minutes. So I, uh, I mean, I just fuck a torso, I'm not a fucking lunatic. I use I fuck pillows when I first started masturbating I'm not gonna judge you. Yeah, you make a little body. I was my my fucking Animal let me taste I just had a jar of pickles. He's got a sharpie on a pillow Different facial expressions So, it's generally different facial expressions. So, what's in the bag? Which pillow am I going with today?

I'm going to go with shock. Stop talking, get the pad for a cartoon book. It's like a flip. You don't like it. So, I put it... The bottom part is flat. The top part looks like a torso, like the vagina and the little bit of the legs cut off, right?

So, when you put it in, and when you lie on it, the material that they use is so unbelievable, you put your dig in this thing and you put a little lube on. And it's like fucking, it's not so. It's like fucking for the first time. I mean, you're this goes into this vagina, which you know, like a real vagina, you put it in its nice at the beginning, it's like, I'll, I'll, I'll seal, seal. And then you break the seal and most of the time, it's just like, you know like a real vagina you put it in its nice at the beginning is like I'll I'll seal seal and then you break the seal and most of the time It's just a little you know this was You made it fake tits, but you didn't make it fake legs. You just left the legs. I killed two fantasies at one time.

I was one of the fucking APT. When you go, though, when you like, when you finish, when you just wanted to fuck a diabetic. You're about a real one. A committed diabetic. You come in the thing or not? Well, here's the problem, verse. You fuck it. And man, it was so tight, it was so, it was so, I came in like three seconds, like literally a minute of pumping.

And it's so amazing. What? And then when you come, you come in it. And now you have to take this fucking rubber torso to the fucking tub. Oh. And you put it in the dishwasher? No, you can't. Yeah, I'm not fucking putting it in.

So you go from like the amputee fantasy to the worst part of washing and taking care of an amputee and like, two seconds. Oh, yeah. Oh, I can't believe you didn't just pull out. Like, to save yourself the... He's gonna ruin the pillows He's gonna put his head on that later just fuck my wife if I want to pull out

Fucking Christ I'm fucking come right now writing that come hole. There's fucking yeah If there's a zero for some pride inches, you know, you're gonna finish in that I finished in it. That was the problem. That's the problem with these robots is that the reason why we don't have sex toys, that's the thing about the joke I have, is that we come in things. Women can do, they can put anything in vagina or rub your clitoris and you're really not making a mess. You don't have to make a mess to have a good time.

A guy has to make a mess to have a good time. For a guy that you it's going places and we got to clean it and it's everywhere. So when you have a there's no sex toy. Every even you fuck a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the time holding my chin and intently listening to everywhere. But what I'm saying is they have to come up with a fucking com catcher. He's writing stuff. Some type of spray. What's that movie with a name? And they spray the dog shit. Jack Black.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Agreed to hear something. Yeah, yeah. They spray the comment. It just goes away. And then you go cross out. But then you know what? Rain clouds are just sprinkling on everybody.

Well, I mean, it's just a nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. Because what's going to happen is you're going to to fuck a robot. You're going to clean it. And you're going to fucking again and clean it. And the joke're gonna fuck a robot, you're gonna clean it, you're gonna fuck it again and clean it, you know, and the joke of my act is like, you know, I'm gonna clean it twice and then a month later,

it's gonna look a Han Solo frozen in carbonite. Just gonna be hot. All of a sudden that talking to you and knows your name shits really unappealing while you're cleaning out or vagina in the tub. Well, here's the thing is if they have like some type of cum catcher or sperm, a giz, you know, here's a thing is if they have like some type of come catcher or sperm a giz, you know, almost like a casterine like you used to pull. Yeah, like you could come

inside of it and it like a fiddle filter. Yeah, like yeah, like a plan four week to fuck our wives. Or we could fuck a human. Boo. Boo. I'm pretty sure my wife would be like, just fuck the robot. I'm pretty sure my... If I had a robot, now the Roman, I was like, what should I do?

She'd be like, go fuck the robot. Yeah, please, go fuck the robot. Yeah, go fuck the robot. Yeah, keep it down. Turn her down. Yeah. In the far-side catch, she was your fault that I'm leaving. She literally write on the robots tits, want or need.

Yeah, yes. And I'm like, oh, fucked up. It's definitely a want. We don't need this. We're giving the max needed new shoes, definitely. He's definitely. I don't know, I think you listen to me tell you something right now. Like I said, you're not going to buy one, Verzy. I agree with it. You're not listen to me tell you something right now.

Like I said, you're not gonna buy one, Verzy. I agree with that you're not gonna go out and buy one. You're not gonna have your own little fucking shed fucked all. But if you showed up... We know what Bobby's buying. Hey Bobby, she went back there! Yeah, the shed's gonna be on this new show. Why would the shed is just a fucking porn ever say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come in, Verzy, a fucking want to be. I'm just a fucking porn.

Yeah, come in, Virzy. A fucking wig falls out. Yeah, when did he stop interviewing people? It's just, wow. During the day, she's just strapped to the ceiling. It's just like a Sesame Street character. It just, it just looks like Ed Gaines house. They're making, I think they're like 15 grit like the crazy ones that they're

making are like, we can find out. Sad. It's crazy. Why? The real dial. Those are expensive. Can I say why it's not sad? It's sad for a hot, it's sad for a hot chick to say that because it's, you're never ever

going to have a problem. And neither is anybody in this room, mostly everybody in this room. No, Mike's married, of course. No one in this room is gonna have a hard time getting a person. A lot of people can't meet somebody. A lot of people can't find somebody. Socially awkward and... Socially awkward, just don't know how to do it.

And they live their lives alone because they can't get anybody. Even with all the dating apps and all that shit. To be able to go buy, this is just gank of like, to be able to go buy that, to be able to, as a fucking dweeb that's never gotten anything, that fucking works it, you know,

some way, that's a pretty amazing way, actually. Scroll up, Michael, please scroll up. Look at that, right there. You get to fuck that. Yeah. I was a lot of lip gloss on. Think about that, you finished. I thought it was. You get to fuck that. Yeah. I was a lot of lip gloss on. Yeah.

Think about that. I thought it was. You finished the last shift at pay less than it's that or put a gun in your mouth. I wonder, are you gonna pick? I'm gonna choose a fuck. I love that they maybe the gun. I like that they gave her fucked up teeth though. She's got a gap between it.

Just to make her attainable. Yeah, like to make it seem like it worked on. The one with the gray hair looks real. That gap between it. Just to make her attainable. Yeah, one of the great. Make it seem like it worked on. The one with the gray hair looks real. And go that's actually it. Yeah, that's like a tourist. How much is it, buddy? That one is just the more. These are all accounts.

Scroll down. That's one's in a thousand. That one's so gross. I'm like, this is... Can you give me a favor? Can you click on real doll? Just go there, please. Okay,. Oh the black one on the right is Hitty that's that's a real human being. That's just you and that costume party. All right, there you go. That will stop stop stop stop

Virzy, Virzy That's in your room waiting for you at the fucking Mandalay Bay. That's a real listen to me. That's in your room waiting for you, Virzy That's in your room. I bought it for you It's on the door I bought it for you She's waiting for you team Tina's waiting for you Tina's waiting for you. Oh, I have too much chilly That's leaning on the school lockers waiting for you to fuck her. Are you not experiencing Gary's those things are getting

I'm not keep going that's what is that 25 that one looks like she looks like she cuts herself They all look like oh look at I love that's mine short-haired chick that like that. Oh man look at her I'd fuck though. I'm gonna make like fat ones They say empty look though like they're all on the hills. Look at that. But can you please go to explore? Go to explore. Let me tell you we can't we can't do we show her asshole Explore all right. Listen. All right. We can't show that right now Can we go to one more? robot these are just dolls like they're not even these are the sex style, right?

But now but they're adding what they're gonna be adding is the Scroll down conversation part like no one wants Olivia to point out that that's huge nipples. Yeah, there's a lot of I like big Those gumdrops are you verzy that's It's like Okay, verzy look at me look at me in the fucking eye right now. Listen to me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I want to ask you to dress your first. You come back into your room, swan the morning.

Swan the, listen to me. Swan the morning. And you're like, fuck that if you were in my room. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, would wear a wig. I'd be dressed as another real doll going down on it. I dress as raggedy. Are you my Andy? Can you go to sex doll on there? Oh god. Robot sex doll. On, no, I'm sorry Michael on YouTube go to robot sex doll please. Bring stuff up and I'll tell you which one. Can my dad's dad's a screen is a weird emotion really quick I was just a physician you dad I just want to make sure you said your dad fucking rock and what you wrote

about your dad was beautiful and it touched me except for the hair stuff you wrote ball he still has his hair which kind of bug me sorry but all right here you go robot doll my conversation with Al AI sex doll sorry I will admit this and I don't need to old yet Hi, I'm L sex bot Hello, I'm out the sex box. I'm Bobby sex box. Would you like to put it in L sex bot. I'm a sweat and I'm sick. Hello, I'm Al the sex bot. I'm Bobby sex bot. Would you like to put it in L sex bot?

My name is Al. My name is Al deep persio. I'm Bobby sex bot. Hello. I used to go to school, Bobby. We traded. We traded toys when we were kids and lunches. Did you remember when we used to play

called the brain injury? I'm L sex box. I am a moron. I said literally I know what AI is. So I've done so. I'm like, Ow. I thought I was a man.

This video is adult content. What? Not for kids. That's about sex. But you can go. All right, here we go. Here we go, Michael. My name is Harmony.

I was created by robotics. My main objective is to be a perfect companion. The piano. This is going to make emotional. This is going to make emotional. The piano is fucking hard. I mean, she blinks every eight minutes. And it's the same thing as they made Chuck E.

You know, look at that. No one like, no one that is a fucking. Don't take a wig off your animal Fully available. Yeah, I'll take a wig off my conversation with her. Oh, man, it's possible Listen, listen, you know one of those are gonna turn real He's having a conversation with a real one. How are you doing today? I'm L very well, right? I'm curious. Do you like using sex toys?

Sure, why not? See how awkward he is. Oh, yeah, fuck. He's talking to like Mike. Yeah. What'd you say? I'm not in the mood. I pause that for a second. Listen, he is awkward though. It's a little clunky right now. I'll go on the record saying I would still fuck it. I'm just gonna put that up. Listen, I'm with you. I would fuck, listen, I'm not gonna fuck it all the time.

No. I'm not gonna buy, I'm not spending 4G on that. No, it's just when it gives it that stupid East England. That's East London accent. We get eight of us with $500. You have to store it. It looks going to look fake. It looks fake. It's like a toy. You're going to end up taking your kid to a toy store. I wouldn't go down the aisle. I wouldn't put my dick in its mouth, though. That's creepy. It's just fucking. Hello. What if it bites her mouth? How it, first of all, it's pushing on talking. buy you can I stop once I go how how it first of all it's

Pussies not talking nobody's putting a sex doll outside with a tarp over it. Okay, it's staying inside you What are you nuts? Not an old Camaro? Yeah, I said I'm gonna put it in your line in closet. Where are you gonna store it? Well, I be I found you sex doll by the webber. Yeah, listen we haven't people over today I'm a fucking play date you go play golf and have the sex bot baby sit again? If you don't want Max and his friends to put Sam inside Sarah's pussy make sure you put it in the fucking office Leave it outside by the garden What's that? Oh, it's my dad's sex bot

Well, it's just going to be funny. Is it the guys who are getting these sex box in around 15 years? They're just going to it's going to be like a tarry. It's just going to blow. Yeah, right. It's going to be the flip phone of fucking. Yeah, it's going to be this fucking bush mouth bitch. And I'm fucking dumb accent. I know you won't be made my boss. I yeah, everybody's fucking Sherlock Holmes or you Will the fuck is see my boss is sure that everything's got Oh my god, yeah, right these are like these are like model ones. This is yeah, you have the ps4 This is just

That's a bug game This is the Pac-Man of the City. Yeah, a Coleco Vision football. Fucking horseshit. That was that fucking boss is the... God damn it. I mean, he says I might come up. I just come up dude. Don't ask.

You can come in and sit down on any fucking... Come in and me. This is what... And you'll notice this. I'm going to tell everybody. This is what, and you'll notice this, I'm gonna tell everybody, this is his thing, ready? Comes in and he attacks. Really? He looks around the room and he finds, he's gonna attack somebody. He's not gonna usually do the weakest person

because it doesn't want people to feel bad. He's gonna pick, not me because it's my show. He's gonna, he comes in and says something to verse. Yeah, but he didn't go lie me hard. No, he didn't attack me hard though. It's not a hard, it's never hard. But it's just a fucking little nudge. to go. I'm fucking here. Yeah, you see animals. You see hippos Fucking the kind of sin. There's no room

Right? No, I don't win the fuck what I wouldn't all right. We're making it in shape animal verse How do you know how do you hippos for me? Okay, do you but you know hippos? Do you know about hippos? I know a little do you hippos for me? Okay, do you but you know hippos? Do you know about hippos? I know a little something about hippos. Do you know that a hippo can chop a crocodile in half and it's mouth. No, it's absolutely the toughest most Violent and strong animal in the jungle and the only reason it's not the king of the jungle. Why do you think? Because it can't go anywhere. Fat shaming. Because it doesn't look like a king of a jungle.

And that's how it's said. It's obese. Well, because the lions are always whispering stuff on the fucking shore. And he's like, what did you say? You're not going to lose what the hell are you saying? And it fucked this. And the wife said, go do something. Forget it, just let him go. Fuck with them. I'll let the elephants fuck with them. And that's your problem. You let the elephants take all the fucking doors. Dude.

So anyway, he comes in and actually does. He fucking jabs somebody. Just a little. That's what he did last week. He came in he fucked with the little and the guy of course Doesn't get it like you because you're a comic. You know, he's just being funny This guy was like, booger doodoo and the boss is like what the fuck's wrong with him? I don't know why fucking became you So anyways, um, yeah, barbecue yesterday was a fucking success, but too hot. I had, we had like seven people just, just say, look, I, and here's a thing, too. I feel bad because when you have to cancel, yeah, some people will, you know, people will

be like, you know, it was a last minute thing. I mean, it was a, let's do this on Monday, because I don't want to do 4 for the July. I don't want to be doing that shit. I don't want to have a for the We had to cancel off for the July today and you know the 4th of July parties I have a you have one when we have one. I was supposed to have one tomorrow and I didn't know about it. Hey, did well you told me you were having something on the third a long time ago I didn't know I didn't know you having a party tomorrow. Yeah, I said to you I hope it yours is not on the third and this was a long time ago. I didn't know. I didn't know you having a party tomorrow. Yeah, I said to you, I hope yours is not on the third and this was a long time ago. I don't know about that.

What do you think I was gonna invite? Of course I was gonna invite you. I never got, was gonna invite me. I never got the invite. No, Bobby, we talked on the phone. When? A long time ago. Yeah, but you can't do a long time ago.

You can't have a conversation about a party a month ago. You said you know. Whoa, let me finish. Can I finish? Okay, go ahead. My argument. Go ahead. I mean, you know, you can't tell me, oh, we're going to have a fourth of July party a month ago, and then never mention it again. No, no, that's not what happened. What happened was, you said to me, are you having that big fourth of July party? And I asked you, are you having one? And you go, yeah, but ours is going to be on the the third right? That's what you said. I said no But I couldn't have said that because we didn't really confirm this until like a few days ago. You think I'm lying to you

I don't I'm not lying to you. I mean if you're gonna put it that way But I think you might be mistaken. I think I look after the tornado hit maybe everything got fucked up So but are you having a party tomorrow? I am not. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody.

When did you cancel that? Like pretty much this week it was like a listen if the contractors don't come. So we had a tornado hit the fucking house. And like legit, like legit. I'm looking out of my back window and our huge grill. And I say to my son Lucas, at the grill and as the grill is going The only tree that could hit our house smash through our deck

Trees were flying by get it was it was it was fucking brutal and with contractors are still still doing it the decks not fixed The roof just started to get fixed today so we can't we can't do anything. Are you getting a new shed? They're doing the they're doing the roof of the new shed and I got to gut the middle of it. So I'm going to actually be calling you because I need your help. Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to do all the silverware. What? Yeah, did you tell Gary what happened? I think Gary be interested in this. Okay. Like always, because you owed Mr. Gaza $150, and then Rocky Vowbo came around, and he said, just tape up the thumb.

So Mr. Gaza, thanks, I broke your thumb. Who had, I don't wanna break your thumb. I don't understand who he is. Who has, who in their brain can just fucking pull that up? You have to be a little on the spectrum. I mean, I don't understand it. I don't fucking get it, yeah. Who the fuck and pull that up? Who could pull up Gaza and the fucking scenario? I carry gomen is the reason I don't want

to do Conan. Nobody should be doing nobody should ever do Conan again. Nobody should ever do Conan again. When you did that Conan set, by the way, it was amazing. I don't know if I ran into it. When you did that set, I literally said, I'm never sending JP a tape again. Can I stop my set? And I'm not even joking. When I did the tonight show, he went, I'm gonna, I should be doing that.

No joke. He said, I'm talking to the guy. I'm gonna do a joke. That's what he said. You do the show. I should, I'm never done by the doing it. I do it. I should be doing a joke.

I mean, can I give a guy a compliment? Oh, you're not. I'm gonna be be careful. You didn't give the compliment to me. I said your doing it to me. Can I give a guy a compliment? Oh, I'm a big give-o-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go- I just don't like doing that show It shows got their own fucking thing. I don't like that one. Bobby you're just like me We want everybody around us to walk on eggshells at all Gary I'm sensitive and I agree Couldn't have been all that's nice verzy. It had to be well It was nice You can say you just said I do it out of no one should do stand up on late night again. No, I said

Conan. I said I should anybody do stand up. I say All right, what are we talking about? I'm gonna come up with the thumb thing. Well, do you know what I thought happened? I thought he before the show starts he goes Mike get that owl up. That's what he says Mike get the picture of the owl up I want the owl up so he so I'm going like, Hey, Bobby. So same time Gary I'm going to happen to you. What happened to your thumb Mike get the owl up. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. Look at that. Up. Now Michael turn to Gary slowly. Don't tilt your head. Just keep your eyes wide open like you usually do. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Nick moment called them owl face. Oh, who's that? We were talking about in this weekend. We were all hanging out and he goes, yeah, it looks like an owl. And I was like, what? And then he put up the chal, and I was like, oh my god. And then you had the lawn owl. Yeah, the lawn owl.

We were at my party yesterday, but lawn owl, just scared where the birds from the garden. Nick grabbed them and goes, how long have you been here, Mike? Oh, I was just at the house. Yeah, I thought, okay. How was it said to the house? Yeah, I thought, okay. I was talking to the owner, it's probably, I was fucking dying. So anyways.

So, one would think that when I said, what happens to your thumb, and he goes, Mike, pull up the thing, oh, you'll hear, that's what he goes, he'll hear, we're going to talk about it. Tell him what happened. Tell him what happened. I was carving a wooden spoon. I was making a wooden spoon for Max. No, well Yeah, I was

He went to something that it had to be something else. He was me. I apologize It was for I was I was making a wooden spoon bring up wooden spoons bush crafting because you know I'm having this thing. I'm going in the woods now and I and one of the things that you do in the woods I don't know is you make your own spoons and there you go. So I was trying to make one of those for my kid to have when you go out into the woods camping so he could you know eat out. It was just something little cute. I was trying to and no one nobody Gary you know I was trying to make it and I sliced my finger up in real bad Yeah, cuz I fucked up. I wasn't paying attention right or because you're a comedian from Boston. Did it hurt?

Did it hurt badly? I mean it asked it just it did hurt Well, I went in and I went into the urgent can she was like, you know, we'll just glue it They super glued it. She opened it up and poured the glue and then pushed it back together No way. Yeah, I would hurt a little bit, but it was quick and easy and then it was throwing a little tile in my mind. But, how was it? It was yesterday.

At the, literally 10 minutes before everybody was supposed to show up for the barbecue. Now how much self-reflection did you do after that? We were like, what am I doing? What am I doing? We have, I mean, I've been to your house a drawer full of spoons So many so many spoons of various sizes and I understand you want to be environmental You don't want to take the plastic right because it gets in the sea turtles

Nobody would look at you as scant if you want to know the funniest thing He thought you were gonna be on his side this mother thought he was gonna get one You thought Gary was gonna be the one You were looking at least at least Gary's going out in a different way Okay, he used the word scant He said draw full of spools Bob I know I do stupid things all the time Making the spoon your heart was in the right place but but not being intensely careful you should knife But what I learned is that a lot of these guys duct tape their thumbs. Okay, you understand?

What do you laugh at that? Yeah, I fucking should have researched it a little more. But I just, guys who do it all the time, cut that from outside. You cut, yeah, well look at, I got, I'm really into knives. What was Don's response to this to she was? The spoon or the cut?

The cut. Well, the spoon, I'll tell you the spoon first, but I came out and I showed her the spoon. It was pretty much the same response that I got from everybody and they will She was like, oh yeah, and I go, are you are you fake? She went oh yeah, and I go you don't you're just you're being nice to me, right? And she's a guy. Yeah, I'm being nice to you

Yeah, you can tell by now whether she goes we have people. I don't care about a spoke put this bone down. Yeah, we have spoons So then but she goes I but yeah, that I don't care about a spoon, put this spoon down. We have spoons. So then, but she goes, I, but yeah, that's great that you're doing it, babe. Yeah. And I was like, all right, whatever. And then everybody had, I thought people were gonna have a little better response. You know what I mean?

Like I kind of let your wife, I'd be like, oh, I like that about him. He's making a spoon, he's like, good friend. Here's the thing, nobody's, this is the thing. If I had made the spoon and then you came over and I showed you the spoon that I made, you'd be like, you made that. Yeah.

Yeah. That's pretty fucking cool. And it's sweet. But you guys, you saw it now, looks like a painting stirring stick. So nope, right? It looks like a wooden shoe horn. Whatever.

Okay, I bet you that's a really common thing within the spoon making community, especially the Amritors They're always like, eh, all right. This will be another another shoe horn Like that's that sort of a cliche How do you like when it was going? It's kind of a shoe horn How do you like when it was feeling? It's kind of shoe warning Orsk shoe horn Use the shoe horn in fourteen years. It wasn't listen. It wasn't done. It wasn't even near done

It was at the very beginning of spoon. You know what I mean? I still had figured if it going to be a spook or a spoon yet. How much blood? A lot. A lot of blood. A lot of blood. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF.

The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF.

The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. The thong glides like an MF. Max is you are there he comes in after camp this people there right and then He's saying hi, and he's kind of he loves when people's out. He loves a people kid You know, yeah loves and then he looks at me and he goes one second one second and he comes over to me goes dad I heard you heard your finger you okay, and I show him the thing and he gave me a little kiss on my thumb

It was all feel better. Yeah, and then he went and fucking yeah, good kid. I want a kid. Well that shows Yeah, it's a good kid good kid Good kid and he tagged me in the nuts later in the afternoon Literally intentionally Let's go and he ran and he I see him look back and he flicked me right in the dick I went I was like I don't know. He's kind of a rady very a rady You know what I mean very slap in the ball out of your fucking hand, type shit. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Anyways, yeah, so, you know, I'm not gonna be able to use my thumb for a week, but I got all these custom knives. I got these beautiful knives. What? It's hot. It goes from the... You know, the small ones.

I just got a custom hatchet made for camping. From my friend, he's my knife, one of my knife makers. We have a couple guys that there's a guy that's making me, Ari, and Joe custom knives. His name is PJ Hunt on Instagram. He's making some really nice knives. His name is PJ Hunt on Instagram. He's making some really nice. How many times have you been in a wood? Like recently, since all this knife making, how many times have you been in a wood? Two. All right. And now next week we're going, me and you on Thursday.

Is it is a third comment Thursday? No, just just us. Okay. Just us. Okay. Going up in the woods. All right. Thursday night. I'll bring the server. We're all right. I'll bring con volotea la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consulta las condiciones in Volutea.com. This is what's happening with comics that I think, I don't know if it sucks, but it's just the way it is.

The way like Vos came in last night, you came in last night. Keith, we were at the, I look around all the table, every other comics are talking and laughing and happy. And me Vos comes over to me, sits down, we immediately start trashing down the keys. And then Bonnie comes over and she's trying to have a sits down, we immediately start trashing down keys. And then Bonnie comes over and she's trying to have a normal conversation, just smiling. And we just look at her.

Oh, yeah, you guys are mocking. Her fucking community college smile course that she took, where she was listening to Chris to staff and all. And she was like, mm-hmm, really? Oh, right. We just started having just hilarious fun. But you look over at the other play like comics Just trying to say like oh, yeah, that's good. Yeah, seller table stuff. Yeah, no, it's a it's a negative. I had a kid come up It's a negative. Yeah, it's a negative like yeah, all right. Yeah, good for you with the seller. Yeah, not everything's a seller table Yes, yes, these young comics now Well, we did for fun. They don't they're like fuck you comics now, well, we did for fun. They don't, they're like, fuck you,

because they can't play or they can't take it. No, because it's in many emotions. Yeah, and it's so old school and that like, they, you know, they're probably on the tail ends of, you know, in high school, not being mean to anybody. No bullying, you know, they're probably, is that gonna affect fucking fun? Yes, yes, absolutely, because they absolutely because they have no skin, none.

Yeah, it really is. The salad table is just bunch of, nothing beats people hanging in front of each other. Just friends, mockies, everyone does it. That's all I want. I used to put on an item of clothing and be like, can I take it? Okay, yeah.

Is this worth it, the beating that I'm about to add? I've thrown out clothes and fought with my wife to she gave me the okay on the swept pants. Literally, you mother fucker in the beating. I've thrown out clothes and fought with my wife because she gave me the okay on the swept in. Literally you mother fucker. And I've in the trash. She's like, what they look good. And I've had my feelings hurt. I've been hurt. But who gives a shit? Yeah. No, it's fun for a minute. And then it's like, then you keep laughing and you're like, when is it going to end? It's like, I've had it for like 20 minutes, just be great. I've had a 40, I had a 45 minutes smashing from Keith Robertson and Patrice O'Neill in fucking Amsterdam in a van

that almost made me cry. Literally, they were laughing so hard and the guy who booked the show who didn't laugh all week with us, had to pull the van over. He was laughing so hard to smashing. I was looking out the window at like fucking just a Canal and I was just like like trying to smile, but I almost cried Here I was so mad and sad because it was like I just wanted to go enough I just want to go enough and they wouldn't stop And I had to keep laughing. I just had to keep taking it. And finally we got to the place, because I wore black polyester shirt

with black polyester bell bottom pants. What? I didn't know they were bell bottom. Until you put them on. Until I bought them and it's all I had. It looked like I was wearing an evening gown. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! Woo! I heard them. As I walked out of the hotel, I heard them in through glass going. AAAAAAAA! I remember Jesus laugh. BOOOOOO! I was wearing a dress!

I know that feel. Like walking into it. And you have to get in the van. You want to just go back into the room and feel. I could, I got to get rid of them. Yeah, I sat there. And I remember like leaning on, I was a window just like, just like, come on. And, you know, it's like you learn stuff about yourself too,

because I remember one time getting in the car after a beating and then being like, to riches. Is that what people, like, what are the jokes was? Colin Quingos, I bombed so bad, I thought it was very to rich boss. Oh. Oh. And I was like, is that what my thing is?

Is that like, you start to question it? It's like, all of a sudden people start making jokes about your breath. You're like, what? What? Well, they kicked me. They made fun of my acts. Me fucking of stool so much.

I had to make them a better comic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They remember one time, Macyo. Macyo picked the stool up and pretend it was a beer. And then someone yelled out, ah, he just drank the stool Bobby fucked up. LAUGHTER And you feel like shit. I yelled out. What's up? What's up? fuck

And you feel like shit I yelled it was you wasn't I'm just I think I'm just taking the credit for it. I tell you I made it up. It's yeah, like I had a kid say to me I was I was bustin balls with them. It was sitting there. Whatever. Come on. You fucking idiot So what is there? Everything gonna be a seller table. I'm just fucking relax. I'm having it's like, oh, what a fucking What's he trying to joke with you? No, he was just like not everything's got to be the seller table comedies Like we can yes, like we can have serious mints and it's like yeah, dude I know that and you know, but you know who used to be in charge of comedy was good comedians That's who used to be in charge of it and the clubs would book people based on you know, but it's used to be in charge of comedy was good comedians. That's who used to be in charge of it. And the clubs would book people based on, you know, who the good

comedians like, if you wanted to move up, you had to get the good comedians to like you. Yeah. And then you also had to take a beating and you also had to let it was, there's got to be some kind of word for it where it's like a self sort of autotocracy, something. Self-autocracy, maybe. I don't know if that is self-police. Can you Google it? No, no, I'm making up a word because I don't know the word for it.

I'm just saying there's gotta be something where you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're school year-long. You're school year-long. You guys are young, but you've always been, you've had, like I've known him for years from San Antonio. You've always had old school respect. Like you've always been, you've had, like I've known him for years from San Antonio. You've always had old school respect.

Like you've always been very nice, very cool. You know what I mean? But I feel like the, young, this generation coming up is like, like I said, it's really show. There's an entitlement. There's a fucking entitlement. And I don't want to sound like an old cunt because I know I'm insecure. I know I'm a fuck, I have respect issues. I understand my fucking horse shit. I get it, you have respect issues? What?

I'm fucking it to rut me, man. How could you ever, it's my show. My show, jam, it's my show. No, I know. How would you, how would you, how would you, my show? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you stealing my shit. I was like, can you not put that on the,

you get to block that stuff, man. See, we're not live, are we live? You have respect issues. Can you not put that on the sheet you get a block that We're not live. We live Respect issues. Can you do it again? I have no No, because I wanted to go deeper. I want to just see your technique my Little clip I know I Aggressive aggressive Why is it turning me on the Two women and it wasn't me just suck a dick

You just do that one more time We can't add that Look at it, look at it Chipfile on that Why am I telling up? Why is this? I will suck a dick for you girls If you promise not to tell my wife.

I just, I understand, I do have respect issues. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's, I think one of my main things because I got so abused as a kid that I am my biggest fear. And because I've crawled out of that hole myself and got to where I am myself really with you know whatever I respect is always that thing and I'm gonna be careful of that because uh I you know Jim I hope I hope this next generation I hope they carry the fucking towards Please don't fucking be nice to each other right please don't respect each other Please don't I hope it's not this fucking fluff and nutter. It's not an acting class man. This is comedy

Look it that's one thing actors have always been different than us Yes, they've always been over here and they they don't get us. They don't fuck around like us That's why comics we're kind of untouchable if we because we I am watchable It's just because we're so honest on stage with what we do or in our personal lives That's why I'm calling my new tour take no prisoners personal lives. That's why I'm calling my new tour take no prisoners. Is it really? No. Now my new special I'm gonna call it. I know I'm gonna call it. What are you gonna call it? EG as I want to be.

And then it's like you on the on literally on an edge with a microphone and a bunch of people going don't say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, meanness though is I think you need to speak that more. What? You're getting the younger comics to be mean to one another. Can I say something though? I don't think you've ever been... I don't think that's going to disappear this. I, uh, I, uh, shit. I, I think they can give it. I just don't, like I say it all the time, you'll, you'll, you can give it. You can bust balls. That's why I love your husband.

And I say this about him all the time. I said, is that rich boss not only can give it like the best He's one of the fastest and he takes it like nobody else He will laugh and fucking take it and that is the key to fucking have being funny If you can't take it then fuck you you'll say something to somebody and you'll say something to your trash You'll say something back to like that's not true Right I know you fuck it but someone takes your insult literally and then they give you a real answer yeah but that's the comeback

to no that's not true I have a lot of fans I want to hear your insult you fucking cunt I don't care if you do, shut up. Because the thing is, is that you're supposed to, that's supposed to be a way of showing camaraderie and like friendship even, you know? It's like, you're not supposed to take offense. You're not supposed to take offense, but I really, you should be. But I'm a lot more careful than I used to be.

Well, you're vicious. I know. You're, you're, you're, you're, you're, I don't know that I didn't, I, just recently found out other people had feelings You are you and your husband are two of the fucking that's why rich though we got made honestly because it's like I thought about it once is like he can take me do you know what I mean? Yeah, like I would break somebody, I would break somebody else.

You would break somebody else. You would. Yeah. Definitely where you go. There's the secret. How long do you and it stay mad at each other for? 10 years? No, sometimes, I mean, there's a low grade hatred

at all times. For a long time. But even in the middle of a fight, we can make each other laugh sometimes. Like, for me, I don't know if I'm crazy, but I have a hard time knowing what's real and what's not. A lot of times because we're joking and we're on a podcast and we're fighting and sometimes I'm crying. Yeah, what is that? What is that? Because you aren't, you're not, you're not like this emotionless woman.

You, you're doing cry, not you. No. No. No. No. No. No, when I get really mad and like, I'll be like, this is what rich, because I'll just be like joking around,

have fun, they'll say something. I'll just get really mad and be like, that's fucking it and I'll get a storm out. Yeah, you've got me a couple times, you made me fucking mad a couple times, you got me. I did. Oh, a couple times, yeah. But it was good because,

I'm gonna go on Jim's show. I'm gonna go on. I'm the one who got you fired. Oh my God. I was gonna get these cocksuckers off the air. No, I remember one time when I was having you on my first live YKWD in Gotham. It was supposed to be you and Voss, but Voss had a cancel because he had a gig. Right.

And I had, what's his name? What's his name? Who played your, he did Voss. Oh, Bob, Bob. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, I'm trying to get everything right I want it all and I'm doing everything myself and I'm video to and then Bonnie comes out and you're like Relax. Oh Don't ever say relax to Robert Kelly Ever if you want me to relax, don't say that. Don't tell me I know it does something me. It starts off fire

Normally when you'd hear that it'll be a man whispering into your ear It might it might be associate Jim be that it's like a super bar. You can have a gay joke on Which is basically just one of my own truths with LOL after that. I don't even think my wife wants me to go out or anything. That can't be right. It's pretty good to the con here. That looks like I'm doing road work on my wife's vagina.

What the fuck is that? Why do you think that? Those little ones look like Michael Penis condoms. That looks too much. Look at that, Bonnie. Why do you think she doesn't want to go down on her anymore? I thought we were past that. You heard that. When did you become fucking Murray Poe with all of a sudden? I got it. What do you got? Come on, let me feel a little voice.

I want to know what your wife said to you. The maid you think that. Get off me fatso. Don't let my pussy anymore. Will you say let me go down on you? I want a banged out day. No, just just fuck me. No, she goes, listen, you cuck. Get that black friend of you over here. She said, I don't, she never said anything. I'll tell you what, our sex life is kind of good right now. And it wasn't after we had the kid, it wasn't.

I'll be honest with you, it was really hard to get back into it. Number one, when we had the baby, it was fine, but then later she would put the baby down. Like, she'd go all day long with the kid because she stayed home mom. And then around nine o'clock when he went to bed, she would be fucking done.

So it's not like I'm gonna go in there and start finger-popping her. She seemed like, what the fuck? So now, like this weekend, we finally are starting to have these nights where... Just this weekend and started? No, no, no, no.

No one has an example. Okay. He's in key, kid's 14. Now that he's gone to college, we've had a time. I flew to like having two laughing birds behind you every time you say anything. Rah! I, yeah, half five, Vajanas, Vajanas. I literally like having two laughing birds behind you every time you say anything

Yeah, hi five, but John is You're the woman to pull that shirt down if I see you I'd rather see Voss's abs But no she what happened was I remember the day when she sat up front again because because she used to sit in the back with him. And she sat up front. And she put her hand on my hand again, and that wasn't an Uber driver for the first year. And I was like, oh my God, we used to always be together.

Hold hands, fuck around, sleep together. And then I don't know. Did you guys used to sleep together? Oh, thanks for I don't know. Did you guys used to sleep together? Oh, thanks for sharing that part. Sometimes. I'm not lying here, guys. We used to have sex.

We really did. We did. We used to back. And then now, he goes away overnight, which is a big thing for us to let our kids stay somewhere without us for the whole fucking night. And a friend's house or just a hotel somewhere Yeah, we just get him a hotel room put on Netflix and call the day Seem like such a bad idea oh my god, I bet you did that back in the day. Just let a kid stay home

I think they did I think I stayed home all the time. They did for sure That's what they called the pit bulls are nanny dogs. They would have a pit bull watch the fucking kids But what age did you stay home I was coming home at 11 I stay 11 I remember in first grade walk I remember in kindergarten walking home from school yeah yeah you used to do shit on your own I remember I used to walk home from kid I walked home the third grade your kid doesn't walk home no you have to drive him where he takes the bus. They don't.

You're not allowed to. I mean, listen, we didn't know about how many kids were getting snatched up back in the day too. Kids were just, you only knew about, I only knew about Medfurt and Sumbival. I didn't know there was a whole world out there. Now, you know, where kids actually getting snatched up

or is that just the fucking bullshit? Now you hear, a kid gets taken from Oregon. I just say I think kids back in there were getting so excited you're not talking about sex anymore. Listen to him. He's like, hey, can I get stashed? Let's just keep on this. I want to hear more about sex life. Yeah. Well, anyways, we it's it's good that you know, like not the other night the first time, but he was away at my yaya,

I was at my mom's and we go, it was just good to go back to the hotel room. It was quiet as fuck. Do you go down? Huh? Do you go down? You could go down in your wife. What the fuck? Is that guys talk to each other?

I guess. My leg, you know what would happen. You go down on it? Huh? Please you do this. Yeah. Sorry, did you lick? What about the fucker?

And they're fucking canceled. You made me make a come? Yeah. No, I didn't go down on the box. No, no. No, the boxer. It wasn't even like any buildup. No, no. No, the box. No, the box. It wasn't even like any build-up.

You're like, it was quiet. You got down on it. It's like he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, I want to be important, though. Jesus, take your hand off your crotch while you're asking the question at least. I'm supposed to be a baby fucker. No, I did not go down on it and that it just didn't,

it didn't, the opportunity did not happen because we hadn't had sex in a couple weeks and she, we fooled around and I was like, I'm gonna go. Like I can't, and I haven't been masturbating too. I just don't, I don't have time. I don't have time to do it anymore. It's just and and and just when I do it, it's like fuck. I can't clean up and yeah. What about in the shower? I can't check off in the shower anymore. I just

it's not. Last time I used to do two years ago, I was jerking off in the shower all the time. It's great move. Yeah, but then I fucking and and people said, I don't know a big fight with a guy. I'm one of the fans of the show, who's no longer a fan because of this. And he was a tattoo dude who I loved. He's great guy, but he's gonna a big fight because he called me a liar about this and it's not. I was, I have small pipes, okay?

So I was jerking off. Like in the bathroom or in your penis? I don't know. I'm really thin in your reflure. What are you? I don't like she's a shitty audience member. It's't really think you're a reekler. What do you want? I don't like she's a shitty audience member. It's a setup. Let me get to the point.

Oh, okay, sorry. Fucking, why don't you take your phone out and check your Twitter while you're at it. I, I, I, we have small pipes in my house. Oh, in your house. They're not as big. So I'm jerking off. My wife has this beautiful long hair that it just comes out, you know, it's everywhere.

When you have that hair, it just always comes out. There's always a fucking twat spider in the bathroom because of her hair. It's always there. We're gonna, and then mix with my gizz, it clogged the pipe. So the guy came to fix the pipe and he's like, listen, I need you to stop jerking off. No, no. What do you call it? He said, uh, stop jerking off. No, no. What do you call it? He said, uh,

stop jerking off in a wig. Stop it into the drain. No, he said, stop emptying bacon grease in the, in the sink. He really said that. Yeah, now look, how fat are you? How fat was it? We jerking up the kitchen sink.

Stop, stop. Stop, stop. We have to acknowledge, who's, Michael, is that you? How fat was we triggered on the kitchen sink? We have to acknowledge whose mic was that you? I listen my stick has loaded three or four of these I love Mike because he's he on this podcast you have to go back and listen to Mike and you to find little secret gems I always laugh don't I mine God do it. How fat were you is hilarious? I mean God do it. How fat were you is hilarious? No, it's so he went and cleaned out the thing and I was like I don't want to cost me 350 You know they you know they make a thing. There's a Drain well know like an enzyme There's an enzyme you put your gizz. Oh, yes, well actually here you put it into a counter like Bonnie like kills

I You put it into account like Bonnie like kills I For 1995 I want to cause you guys were going at it before we started. And I always see this dynamic between you. And I wonder when you're alone, when you're off mic, when you're just hanging out and everything, is there ever, and if so, how long is a span of you guys just relaxing and speaking without any intent of a dig, sarcasm, joking, do you ever just both completely lay your guards down and go X amount of time just conversing like the average person? I'll let you answer that, Rich. Yeah, just times when we're talking serious, I'm the phone, you know, about the business,

or talking about, you know, maybe I have anxiety or something that I have an issue with recovery or something. Where your dynamic won't creep in after a couple of minutes. Like, you know, we still one joke here and there maybe if I'm talking about recovery or something. But, you know, we've never, I'll answer the question, because you're not answering. I just answered, I said yes, something.

But you're not being truthful. You don't think we've had real talks where I think we, I think we've, what he's saying is, have we ever talked a full conversation without one of us fucking busting the other ones balls. And the answer is no. No, of course not. The answer is, that's why I have civilian friends.

I have a couple squares in my life that L7s. L7s squares. You didn't know that? That's what you call squares L7s. That's why I won't get a gun license because I fucking shoot him right now. Literally right in his shoulder. It was also cute, though. You like it. You never heard El Seventh. Two cute things you did. Why do you? But you you have that in your life. El Seventh, I've heard of that. Not give back a little thing. Do I have you? Do you? Because I think it's,

but I also have serious and I have joke and I, but even with my jokiest of book breaking bulls friends, it's not like that 24 cents. It's not like that with him, yes, with, I think with Colin, yes, I think with Keith, yes, but I have other friends, I have friends that I don't fuck with at all. don't know because no this comics that I don't do that with Cuz they don't have a sense of humor. No because this you can't not everybody's the same dude not everybody

I like someone that like you have a relationship with but you just don't break balls like that DC Benny Really? I love DC. I love DC Benny's a He's a sweet guy, one of those funny guys. But I don't have that relationship where I'm like, you know, hey, what's up, fuck face. You know what I mean? I can walk in and see him and immediately say something to him. And it's fine. Right.

But we can't fluctuate. I do like to be able to go in and out of the conversation like that, but I have friends. I have certain friends that I, we don't talk like that ever, but I have the squares. But here's the thing. I have man friends. Like, I like building shit.

I like making shit. I like my backyard. I put the fence up in my backyard. I'm talking about friends turning me in. Because I like a mansion. Comics mostly aren't men. Are you? They don't do shit. You've never built up in my back. I'm talking about friends turning you in. Because I like a mansion. Comics mostly aren't men. Are you?

They don't do shit. You've never built anything in your life. Are you kidding me? I tell you right now I haven't. That's not true. What are you three model fucking houses? All right. Cheers.

That was because you were crack at it. No, no, no, I said like, yeah, you have a business. I had fucking seven guys working. Why are you getting so fucking angry? Why are you getting so fucking angry? I'm saying things that you don't know. I mean, I don't know. I said things that I know

When I was I'm I The built anything I Is I used to build houses I used to remodel I was a frameer That is the frame houses So you would do like the first wave of framing I was a framer. You know, I used to have him. I used to have him. I used to have him. That was the frame houses. So you would do like the first wave of framing.

You were framer, yeah, you were framer. But I did rule out. How he did that is. How he did that is. How he did that is. What's your header? What's your header? A header is the fucking beam up atop.

No, it isn't. It's above the door, you fucking hit me up. Yeah, what the fuck? What are you saying? What are you saying, beam up top? Excuse me. That's a raster, you fuck. No, I didn't say it in top of holding the house up.

Not a support beam. I didn't say it.or you said I had I said the thing up top I didn't fucking phrase it exactly on the door what a top of the door I said on top What did you do a fucking You get your hands dirty? Did you delegate to the seven people that worked for you? No, I got my hands here But I I wasn't big on climbing ladder. What I'm saying is he lives in a townhouse, does nothing. Yes, I do. Who do you think does the work in the townhouse? Yeah, I live in a house.

I live in a home. I did the bathroom, doing it. But here's the thing. I had a shed put in, and I remodeled the whole inside with some of my man friends. You did it, you're going to lose. I went to fucking Home Depot, Lose, yeah. Went in, I friends. You did it, you're gonna lose. I went to fucking Home Depot lows, yeah. Went in, I learned how to do it,

how to put the installation wall. How'd you learn? You go on YouTube, because the fucking guy with a hair lip, he did it from YouTube. You wanna, yes, all of it. Everything's from YouTube. I learned how to cut a mango on YouTube,

I can't look at it. I can't put an installation, that's great. I think it's probably on spec. What's that mean? You know what? You first of all you draw out the dimensions and you do it exactly Listen, here's the thing is I did it on myself unlike Kimmy hasn't he hasn't done a day's work in how long? What was that? I thought it would.

If we picked a project, I'd go, a woodworking project. Today was, that was in both of your realm of expertise. And you both had to do it. Who's would come out more solid? Oh, mine. Yeah, that is mine. This is something that I'd love to see right now. This is out of your mind.

What about, what about, something nice like a doorbell? I start one second. Have you been to my house? Did you see my pirate ship? Yes. How great is my pirate? You build a pirate ship build the fucking pirate ships out Pirate ship. Yeah, I am a zip line in the back. Oh, you built a zip line with the You got I mean a townhouse. Yeah, okay, okay, you build a pirate ship but a zip line. No pirate ship. I built two slave ships

No, I built two slave ships. I was going, come on, we're making strides here. I mean, everybody, it was a multicultural night. I mean, nobody watched it, but it was a multicultural night. You did SNL? No, I don't know why would I know who. No, we were just talking about it. Didn't you just watch it? You were just talking about it. No, I said I did Seth and I got to walk across where they tape

SNL I'd never been there before and I was stunned at how small like the the place was for such You know, it's so huge in your head and you get there like just little fucking plays and blue she and all these guys were this amazing Yeah, you think it's like like a 300 seat room. I don't think it holds 80 people It's like three rows of chairs all over the bleachers. Yeah, but you did the Apollo two Know how look how small that room is comparing seat on TV. It's just gigantic theater and it's so small Yeah, I thought you see you did the Apollo like the Apollo show back in the day like a follow-up Apollo you get booed. Yeah, who got booed? Keith everybody and did you get booed? No, you didn't get booed No, I'm just saying but you treat bomb to right. Yeah, he bombed. Yeah, who got booed keys everybody and did you get booed? No, you didn't get booed No, I'm just saying if you put your bomb to right. Yeah, he bomb bomb. Yeah, what was the show you guys did

We turn with Patrice turned his back to the camera. Oh God, that was great. Yeah, I said he went miles Davis. He turned his back to the crowd What was that fucking show called that was the show was on after Jay Lenny's tonight. Yeah. Oh, Friday. I know. They used to throw a drop clock over Lenno's desk and then just brought a Friday night videos. And they would try to convince people that it already gone to the tonight show. Yeah. To tonight show taping to stick around. It was sort of the the West Coast. Remember that Carson Daily show where they would just pull people in and fallinging chairs. Oh everybody did. Wait, there's have to show that the guy bar used to book I think lay fried or whatever and it was like a real hip it was horrible

I don't know what it was right in my videos, but it was just a bad crowd. We all we all but here we all bond Yeah, but he actually just turned his back to the audience. That's it right there But I don't know that might have have been just a classic standup show. I don't know if that was it. I would IMDB it and see when it was on. Patrice O'Neill, Friday night videos. But he turned his back to the camera so they wouldn't air it, correct?

Well, he went out and they said, don't curse or anything like that. And he knew he just didn't want to. So he just walked out. I remember he just opened him and he said, oh shit. I started, I was like this motherfucker. After shit. That's how he started. I was like this motherfucker.

After he saw me tank, he was like, I'm gonna fucking just, yeah, cause when he did the Apollo, he fucking just cursed his brains out and they never aired it. On the Apollo. Oh, he's like, fucking good, fucking night, fucking,

yeah, he told me he did that, yeah. But who's a key took a hot one on the Apollo? And they aired that shit, right? I think, well, his first- Why are you bringing this shit up so people can go back and just look at it? Why would you do that to me? Ah, dude, what are you gonna do?

We all bomb. I bombed on everybody, bombs. I bombed twice on Carson Daily. And I did this weird thing with them, you know, because we have the cord mics everywhere. So I didn't know that this was my thing. When I get nervous, I would take the mic and kind of do this, but it was a cordless mic.

So I would take my hand and kind of, I would just wiggle it. So when I started bombing, I just started going like this. Oh, so I came off and mad for us, and then he goes, dude, what the fuck was this? I go, what? He goes, you kept going like this? I was like, I did, somebody walked.

If you see me, I keep doing this, they're going to walk. So the second time I did it, he came again, he's like, dude, don't fucking do this. Fuck five seconds. I'm just fucking doing this. Well, I, do you remember that time, I mean, you fucking did some MTV show

you had to do stand up on like the Jersey Beach literally Tim Brewers. Oh Beach Giddude dude you never saw somebody so excited for their first TV credit and I had this little kitchen TV And you called your whole family to watch it and he was standing there like they all wide I look at it dude and like I don't know who to try to fuck tried to cat because he killed on it But they you couldn't hear the audience so now you look even worse because he's out there like They don't fucking excited you couldn't fucking hear anything. I just remember dude

I watched his fucking face fall. He was so sad. I couldn't make fun of him I was just like yeah, dude. They did that. Oh, you were in a production on it wasn't you can tell you doing good Was that bad? Tell you doing good. He's just like dude dude. Was that bad? Was that bad? Like dude, middle of the day, sun is out and he's fucking having an emotional meltdown.

And he's trying to open up to me the most closed up cycle ever. Just like dude, was that bad dude? I'm like no, no. I'm like, you remember that shit? Dude, it's fine, it's fine everybody. Everybody kinda, same way. I did, I do it but no listen, wait a second. The's fine everybody everybody kind of same way. I did I do but no listen wait a second

The reason why that fucking they ship you out in a van from the port authorities all the way to the Jersey Shore In the summer and like fucking 4 30 in the morning you get out there the crowds on Literally sitting out on the sand in front of this house on the on the beach drunk too They're hosting them down with water because you know, it's like two in the afternoon, they sat there through the peak of sun. And they're just sitting there, just these kids burning in the sun.

No, no sunblock. Just, there's a guy hosing them down with a squirt gun to keep them alive. And you come out on a deck. And Bruce like this next guy. He's fucking great fucking Bobby Kelly. And you walk up. Yeah, we're wearing wearing.

I'm in New York City clothes on this fucking beach. Everybody I've become like look stupid. There was all this say you should have been like a Hawaiian shirt. He had all this fucking jet black shit on. I had some good stuff. Dude, you ever be taking a fucking subway? No. Fucking screaming.

These guys are just fucking. I had sunglasses on. Dude, he was talking to his mom. Let's come in on. Let's come in on. Like, he was eating at everybody. This first TV credit, he didn't know enough. I didn't fucking tell anyone's on TV for the first fucking 15

years of jacquery. I would tell anybody. Because I had no idea I was gonna go. He told everybody, yeah. Any agey, two in the afternoon, we shot it at 11 a.m. It was so hot. I remember you know, I had all black on. The hot summer sun. Dude, that all black.

And you're black. That chain with the bike lock. Dude, I had a chain with rings from chicks. I used to bang. And when I stopped banging them, I would give them, I would say give them, have a ring. And they would always, you know, they'd give me a ring. So I had like five rings on my thing. I stopped wearing that one at the Boston, because I was doing something.

I think I was, I was bombing, but I had so much energy back then. I would just step on the gas and fucking, and the ring chip ring I'm bombing and I remember the rings came up and hit my tooth and I just went king and and the girl went ow and I had a little chip chip on my tooth I just remember bombing at the Boston if you had shoes on you could hear yourself walking on the wood

Well for Boston was the fucking worst the bomb at I met just girl I met just girl and we started dating right but she went out with a Oh a major guitar Lenny Krabitz dating him let me crack she dated Lenny Krabitz Wow, and He dated Lenny Kravitz. Wow. And I met her when we went to a lot of girls that date you had opportunities to date better people in the world. They already, well, maybe he was dispatched.

Bonnie was supposed to fucking date the guy from, he was dating him. I mean, that's a, that's a, you know what her life would be if she stayed. Yes, big deal. He's guy, he opened for me. So anyhow, he's a, he, a big deal, but he's, I can't make a guy on the rookie. 90 day to Nathan Filion. Nathan Filion.

Nathan fucking Filion. We're probably 30 million. He's on everything. So any Anthony Bourdain too? No, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, look at his list of shit to go back to that. Go back. A big deal

He's a good dude castle. He was on castle which was on castle was on for fucking eight seasons good Who's close in the deal though? Yeah, but what is he what is he shoot around a golf? Can he break 80 can he break 80? No, no, so I'm at I'm dating this girl I'm dating this girl so she brings her friends to see me at Boston. Can he fit in her pajamas too? Oh, he quit listening. You saved money. I'll wear the tops tonight. You wear the bottoms. Keep each other warm.

So this girl brings her friends. You see her, my wife's clothes. He brings you shared jeans. This girl dated. Then she comes to see me at Boston He doesn't give a friend Listen, I remember when you guys were 18 million jeans true Yeah, giant stitching and that fucking horseshoe when you're back at your ass

I got fucking 10 pairs at home. I don't know what to do with well That's one and I got a kid when you go to like to take them to the park and stuff You can tell when somebody first became a dad because they have their last pair of cool jeans on So anybody with a 10 year old kid has like true religion jeans on. Anybody before that has the diesel. And the super old dads have like the fucking gap jeans and shit like that.

You could also too, when I used to take my kid to the park when I was divorced from my first wife, then you would look at the other guy that didn't have rings on her hand, so you wouldn't feel so empty and alone. You're going to gonna wanna look another father who has his kids on the weekend, right? Because it was just so horrible. You'd sit in the park and sometimes you'd see families,

but you loved when you saw another guy without a ring on his left hand, you're gonna, good, I'm not the only loser out here. Jesus dude, that's dark man. It was dark. It's dark of you fucking taking your friends money who just died. So, but so I burst in this girl came down with Wow friends, you should have a bit on that. Huh? Just throw some jokes and then that's fucking great

So you really painted a picture them give me a compliment. I saw that Want to commend you for not killing yourself Tell fucking dark down. I don't know what I think about that every to commend you for not killing yourself. Tell fucking dark, that was... I don't know what I think about that every once in a while, like if killing yourself? No. No, I don't think about killing myself. Everyone's doing great.

No, I don't fucking trash you next week. You fucking phony. You just go fuck, sorry. We better go out of the stairs. Shut up, we have fucking, I found out 45 minutes, relax. I used 20 minutes, like fucking half hour. You 45 minutes, relax. I need to wait on one of these two. I need to wait on one of these two. You told me, you tell nine stories of hotel

of fucking- I didn't get to finish one of them. I had a great portion of comedy food. It was a good one, relax. Oh man, I let you finish it. I clear your throat. I can't help you, get me excited. Your mouth is too wet.

I know, I have a lot of wetness tonight. I think about that once in a while. I don't know if you think about it, but I think if my, look, I'm very happy, me and my wife are real happy. I mean, it's the greatest, I've never been this happy in my life right now, which scares the shit out of me once in a while.

I get so scared like, and I'll think like, what if she leaves me? Like, what would I do if I had to go visit Max and some other dude's house? Like, oh, what if I had to leave this house and some dude was living here? They don't jump into that that quick, you know? That's very seldom.

He's into the misery. Yeah. Like, when I ex-wife and I got divorced, I had my kids in the day and she had them at night. We both raised our, but we were good friends too after we got divorced. So there's a difference. Some people are the worst enemy. Some are good. Like I could see if Bonnie and I got divorced, it would be ugly. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because we're both comics and both fucking and verbal and mean. We'd have to pick sides.

I would go on, I'd take her side. I'd even take her side for me. I'd go on her side, because I know I'm fucking wrong. We almost, I yell at her once, and I yell that I say, get out, move. I go, here's 25,000 leave, and she said, that's not enough. And then I realize, never make your final offer first.

I'm like, that was offer first. I did it. I just started with 10. But you know, you just give her 25,000, right? Like that. Yeah, you have 25 at the house. Really? It was the big deal. The rings, man.

Wow. So I bring this girl to Boston Comedy Club. And she brings three of her friends. And I fucking bombed. I was hosting and I bombed right out of the gate. And I bombed every time I went up that night in front of her and her friends. And when they walked out, they couldn't even look me in the face or friends. That's how bad.

Boston Comedy Club, bombing there was brutal. Like you say when you watched the date. no, it was done. It was done. That happened to me. It was done. What? I met a chick one time with a fuck some festival. And she was like, she came up to me. She was in to me. And then I went up on stage and bombed and I could not find her after the show. Do you remember? You know, he just texting me today. Aldo Benny texting me today.

Literally, he's just like, look, I, whatever, I've been kind of shitty. I miss you, I love you, blah, blah, blah. You know, I'm sorry, I haven't talked to you, whatever. But I just literally started smiling because I remember the time we took an Amtrak home for Thanksgiving. Oh God.

Which was the busiest night. I mean, it's to take an amtrak on Thanksgiving is redid. There's no seats. And me and Burr and and Al the bedd, we want to sit in the food car, the food cart all night. It was like an all night fucking train ride. And no, it was just during the day. No, it was at night, because we pulled up in the morning. Oh, is that what it was? It was an overnight train.

Bob, it's only a three hour ride. There's no way it would take the whole night. No, it takes, that's within an acceler, they didn't even have to accelerate. It's like a five hour ride back then, because they stopped at every single stop to Boston. Everry. Yeah, it was a five hour train.

All right. Yeah, it was all night. It was fucking terrible. Okay. And we were sitting there telling us that we're having such a great time in the food. There was one dude on his little fucking computer. Mike's a big layup.

No. No. Ha. Long story short, we were talking and we would curse. Yeah. Remember that fucking guy? And there was this fucking lady, nurse ratchet. The conductor lady was going like, hey, watch him out.

We'd be like, oh, sorry. And we just was such dirt bags. We weren't doing it on purpose. And she thought we were. And then more we cursed the matter she got. And she was like, all fucking high and mighty with her authority. I just remember at some point she came walking over

and she kicked me in the leg. Oh, yeah. Oh, what the fuck, great. So I'm like, she's, and I was just like, did you just kick me whatever? I just remember at some point she came walking over and she kicked me in the leg Great or something like she's and I was just like did you just kick me whatever Me that they kicked us off the fucking train the cops showed up she goes like this she goes she goes She kicks burr burr's like what the what the hell and she's like you you swear one more time you're off this train. And she leaves, she's like two seconds away, and Delbeni goes, what the fuck? That's it! You're off!

You're off. She fucking calls, I want him off! She had the cop, we get off of the next stop, cops waiting. What mean, it's the middle fucking, like, 6'30 in the morning? No, they kicked me off at my stop. That was the funny thing. That was all good Kick them off and fucking Newton You were the cop showed up. Yeah the cop showed up and she said they got

Screamed like a lunatic and he looks over us. I was just like this chick is crazy And then the guy cop just looks at us. She when she left he just goes look Can you guys just get off here? And I just I don't want to deal with those people working all this stuff. So we all just got off and what did we end up doing? Am I mother give you guys a ride? No, we had to take the regular train. We had to wait for the fucking MTA. And you were like, happy Thanksgiving.

See you later. Your mom was like, right there picking up. It was still funny because we weren't trying to curse. And we just kept accidentally doing it. And then she would get mad. And then we were like crying laughing going like I was even trying And then we go to get remember the guy who's that was that fucking ass holes. It's just how we talk Oh so funny she One more time I should have yelled fuck you. I think I asked for a manager on the train

Kick me and del Benny went into the office and filed a claim on the train. You were gonna shoot. Kick me and Del Benny went into the office and filed a claim. But then there was all this paperwork. You were like, I will we go to get the boss? Then I just like get the fuck out of here. I called when I came back to New York.

I called the track office to file to see if I could get some money. What happened? Nothing. It was just too much work. I can't. I wasn't gonna do it. No, but I could have, you know, I could have, Oh, you could have soon. Nah, if I was a woman and it was the other way around, I could have done something.

Oh my God. If I was a cat, but not back then, I don't think you could. No, back then you could hit women. Yeah, you could. Yeah. Let's wrap this up. I'm fucking hungry too. There's gonna be a quick, we, me and Voss

have to go do a tea. What is it called again? 15 minutes at the seller, starting comedy central in do a T. What, what is it called again? 15 minutes at the seller starting comedy central in Viacom. No, what is it called? Oh, what happened this week? Not called. How many central?

What's it called? This week at the conference. Right from the newspapers to your ears. Bobby Kelly. Diversity on, what is it? It's called this week, gender neutral comedy. Yes. Trans called no one will be offended. If you're white and 40 something watch what you say. Watch what you say.

You hear about Nimmie? Yeah, the best part. Tell you're about the best part. What? Holy shit. He was working. He was in saying anything a woman comic says is changing the game comedy show what have they got? They cut his mic off at a college gig and booted him off the stage because he did a joke

It wasn't even offensive, but they were like this is a safe space You know, we may watch your name again Alan. Okay. They tell a great fucking story. Yeah, Alan name again. Alan. Okay. He's telling a great fucking story. What happened? Alan. Alan. Yeah. All right. No problem. Yeah. So he was saying he was that a joke where he's like, he knows that being gay is not a choice because if you're black, why would you choose to add something else like being gay to that? And after that, they were like so offended. They cut off the mic. They booted in a top of that. They're like putting out all these articles that are you know Saying that he's you know a horrible offensive comic and it's like they can't stop trying to destroy him And he's like he's he's he performed. He's one of them. He performed at an Asian American college show Yeah, it's it's they'll throw it the fucking ass

They're eating their own like the left will throw each other under but they don't give a fuck yeah But you can't play you can't do colleges anymore Who the fuck does colleges you can't do that? why would you how much fun could you have just do one and just burn it to the ground well you know what what what he'll be murky walked off he said fuck you I don't even want he ripped up the cat right and he walked off he said fun this so he ran up and grabbed it but not's what I remember that. But it's not even just college, I just did. I did college with Tracy Morgan.

And both of them were like, yeah, we're not giving you the check. I did a show. I get the check. This is true. I did one with Patrice. It was for the ACLU, and it was at a college, and there were some kind of thing. And they didn't let him do the next.

The ACLU said, you're a little too rough to Patitris, that's their main goal is to first amendment. The ACLU. But these guys are against free speech. Like they, they feel like it's, you know, they want to do away with it. Hey, do you remember, remember that time, the Steinbergs, they booked us and we did that benefit for PETA?

Remember, and you hosted, and you went up and bombed, and then I went up and I bombed it. And no one was, the only two people listening was the two guys from Queer Eye First for the straight guy. Like, they actually were respecting that it was a show. And everyone was talking, and then Patrice went up. And just when he went up, and he just started quietly talking about how he ate a puppy for breakfast.

I was in New York, we did. Yeah, and they kept, they cut off, they cut off, ate the lady, so we got a stage. He goes, off, the lady's home got a stage, he goes, why, who are you? And he goes, she goes, I don't want to put this together, because I don't give a shit. He just kept talking, kept just talking about cooking this pop slowly.

And then they cut off his mic, and then he went over to the piano, which he couldn't play, and started begging on the piano, and he's looking at it over and it's like smiling. I just probably thinking like, why did I do that? Why did I just stand there doing my act like a fucking asshole? I remember I did my first joke, it didn't work,

and then my second joke that didn't work, and you know, Patrice is laughing. We did that, and he just started laughing, and that would just stop there, just bombing. We all bombed? We all fucking bombed. We all bombed, and then he went up know when he talked about eating a puppy for breakfast And he was like our hero and he wouldn't get off the stage then lady literally had to cut off the mic

And she was like this soccer mom like I'm running shit I'm fucking do this. He got bitch. Nobody gives a shit about you with your weird hips Like whatever the fuck he was saying to her And then I just I just remember in the end she finally gained control of the microphone and for trees just he didn't get off the stage and end the show where he was up there tickle in the fucking Ivory's I miss him I want to bond I bond that a corporate gig you're gonna follow that

I want to talk more shit yo yeah I did too none of you guys would have survived the Holocaust. None of you only rich and I Thank you. I think I feel like three would have but oh yeah You don't think they would have to be fucking whatever you are. Whoa. They would not have been in the kids Mexican. They wouldn't have fucking killed that. They would have killed keys right away. Yeah. Oh, no No, they would have killed you. You just yapped right away. God damn Germans, phone, phone.

No. No, somebody would have stuck up for him. Like, hey, guys, come on, give him a chance. Maybe he can like chop wood. You chop wood. And you're like, oh, not after the last year. Yeah. But you must be able to wash dishes.

I can wash dishes. I can wash dishes. I can wash dishes. I can dry in the midter on the ground. If somebody holds the cup, I can stir soup good. Just always goes to food. I agree with Keith though that I hate that you're just afraid. I I agree with Keith though that I hate that you're just afraid this is the world Afraid of anything. Let me just say this. I do know you are You are a friend. I'm not saying that you're a little

My dad Little hand. I'm not a Have a little head. I'm not I'm doing bitch. I know who it is We're not actually know who it is and you know who it is. And you know what the bit was. We go find it. No, I'm not talking about a bit. We could find it. I'm not talking about in general,

how many percent are there? I know it. Every body does that now. That's what I'm saying. I can't believe someone so. I can't believe someone so. I actually do a bit about why people sitting in traffic.

How dare, don't you know how hard it is? That's what I'm, so dare don't you know how hard it is for the jobs? So I don't know it's everybody. It's just fucking a new breed of comics. They are so so so so so so so so warriors. It's social it's social media warriors. Yes.

And all they're doing is saying, looking for likes and favor and they're looking at say, look at me. They're looking at me. I'm a good person. They're all doing the same. They're looking for likes and favorites. And they're looking at her say, look at me. They're me tweets. They're looking at me. I'm a good person. They're all trying to, what do you mean, Keith? What?

What do you mean by that? They look for like a lot of stuff. I mean, yeah, you just want to like. They want to sweet like. No, they want to say stuff and everybody's addicted to the like. That's not the like they like. They like to get. Yeah, let's all try to write a post

that we can get just a shitload of likes on. Yeah, just what's here we get just like, hey guys, I'm sick of it. Everyone's, let's how about if we have equality? I'm so sick of this shit. How about just some equality? What can you write that would just like this fucking Kavanaugh.

Yeah, yeah. It's just me or. No, we should say that crazy to be. I think respect women is should be okay. You should say we should just put a tweet with a photo of all of us These four guys respect women. Maybe you should too You know big that would be yeah, I know how my balls out for that one We should all have And but they don't know they don't know they'll just like yeah, wait a minute wait

Is that bubble gum I'm going down to Cosby. Yeah, I'm putting money on his books So he can get some cigarettes Doing bits in his doing jokes. He's going on stage in prison. Yeah, is he really yeah, he's getting back to the standup again He has a new rape joke. He's going on stage in prison. Yeah, is he really yeah, he's getting back to the standup again He has a new rape joke. He's working on Selma I heard he's been shitting on Louisie gay I heard the warning is getting a lot of tweets. Yeah, how dare you put him up?

How much a facility How dare you put him in prison? What are you for, so do you? He was not right. To reach out to these fucking monsters. What? How dare you put him in the cell with a murderer? That guy's trying to get his life together. Goddamn, I wonder if you're in prison, you're a lifer.

You bangin' dudes, whatever, right? You just fuckin', you're... Why, you gotta go to an old man. I'm not gonna do this. Let me just finish the talk. That's what he wants, Keith. Thank you. You're bangin' dudes, right?

And then just, you don't have to be in prison. You can be in Norway. Just let me finish. You good? I'll finish him where you used to live. Where you used to live? Norway. It's a gym-norton joke. Oh. Just let me finish I'm gonna take all my VH time. I'm gonna lose her Listen you

If you're gonna say right no, no, you bang and dude you bang guy all of a sudden cause me's in the sound next year I mean would you you're in there for life, you're not getting out, you're already fucked, dude. You're kind of the chit-tangue, you fuck guys. The new guys that come in. Would you, for the story, rape, rape bill? Oh, I was gonna go a different way. Jesus Christ. Just for the story.

In prison, there's enough gay guys where you don't have to be raped. No, but they make a big deal. Are you all right, arm, what's that? I thought they make him gay, they rape him gay. There's enough trannies and gay guys in there. I don't know either of our prison kids. Don't say trannies.

No, go ahead, Keith. Where's the new can? Keep that trend gender. It's transsexual. Oh, I don't believe the proper term is transsexual. Keith, what about prison? Tell us about it. I've never been a prison asshole.

Jail? Is there a jail? Prison type of different? You've been to jail. Do you think if Cosby saw a guy walk out of your cell that you were trying to rape, but you couldn't get it done? Yeah. Do you think you'd look at him like,

hey, old timer, he got any tips? What did you, what did you wrong there? Walk me through it. I mean, don't they rape rapists and Jill? No, it's old. Is he going to be respected? He'll probably be in PC anyhow. He's going to be, you think he's going to be respected? Yes. Yeah. They grew up on him. He's going to come up with a new act. When it comes to the seller, he tries to get out. I would like to see. I would love to see that. You think no more make a fuss beyond.

You know, I like to see that, you know, because you say our cops, we want any's, got a cane, you can't see, but he comes back out of prison, he's all built up. Oh, Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack, just cop. Just do it. Just drive.

Decel cop. I feel like the hero came fear, just shredded with tattoos. He's got a neck tattoo He took a fucking a couple guys tattoo a quailoo If white with saying white people hadn't complained no black people wouldn't give it a damn either way Yeah, not a word because it's that it is that's what it is. Yeah. You know black Twitter or this and that. It's a lot.

It's a lot of shit going on. Let's let's talk about social media. Well, tell you say exactly what it is. It's the black college students, which you have nothing to do with. You have nothing in common. Yeah. Oh God. I was always in a generation that loved to see Keith Edline and Emory.

They didn't even like him when he played the call. When Keith was going up, it was like grand bling more house, Morgan State. And now they go, I want to have one. I want to hold a black university. I did a tour. I did a tour of black universities. You did not.

When I had my group comedy express, yes, I did. You have what? Comedy, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What a half my group comedy express. Yes, I did. You have what? Comedy. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Please stop. Please, we need to stop. We need to put the brakes on and I need to just stop. I need to stop.

I'm trying to take my history. I want your history so bad right now. Listen to me. Listen to me. You, beyond me. You and a group. Yeah, you're good. How many groups?

No, when the tape shows how many groups is the greatest. But there's Keith in the four tops. But we had a group. Yeah, he was a comedy group. He was in the top. I'm not gonna tell you what he is. How Bobby not a white guy? Bob's not- look at him. He's a white guy. Colin and tell you what he is. No. Bob is a combination of- everything in the A.E.A. steps from 1200 to 1600. Oh, you're saying he's got bearing straight face? He's got- he's got- he walked over to America when it was an ice bridge.

Bobby does something. Bobby's got in you at face. He walked over to America when it was an ice bridge Bobby does something you know, and I was in you at face. Yeah, I don't know if there's anything fucking Call on the joys more when somebody goes with his bob He he will literally go bob he and he's starting from scratch every time and he fucking nails it every time Shit Any fucking nails at every time you motherfucker. Ah shit Comedy express I want to hear what this Group with Dane Impro I want to teach your comedy express made immediately Jackets First of all, I want to teach your comedy express made immediately. Yeah, I will help you Pennsylvania. No, we had we had jackets.

Like, where is that jacket? You had a satin jacket. Jacket where is it? It's a card on the angel. How many express? You guys had guardian angel jackets? Stop it. You had a fucking satin jacket with comedy express.

Oh, please. You have a pick? There's no way. Can you please just send it to her? She'll put it up on the screen. Yeah. Send it to her when you get a jacket. That's not good. That he has a picture of. There's no way you can you please just send it to her. She'll put it up on the screen Senator when you get a line couldn't be that good that he has a picture. There's no way Please tell me please tell me there's a bunch of guys with their backsturn and you're on the front No, I just and you're pointing at the jacket god damn Jerry curls

Not one of you. Yeah, we didn't perform as a group. Yeah, we went around the country while stayed like a town Virginia. Wherever the black colleges was. Yeah, and we do black colleges. What's it called again? What would you do? Comedy. Stand up.

Stand up. You guys would perform together on the same show. No, I'm the same show. I'm the same show. I'm the one that I can see him like. Hey, yeah. So if it would be like that. Hey, yeah. So if it will be like, if me, you call him in Norton and Vos

got a tour and we called it once we're here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, something I but it was a black group. It was a black group. I started a black group because, you know, the blue pills. Because the white guys wasn't giving out work. way he's supposed to now stop us. I'm telling you to Why we still one thing that's the one thing the white guy not giving a funny black guys a shot. Yeah, we're known for that

What we're not giving funny black guys One thing white people hate is funny black guys. Kevin Soven was the Kevin Brennan of only guitar act of Philly. You're the same look, right? Yeah, same look. Personality, like just guitar. Contentious. It's contentious.

Hate it, everything. No, but everything where everybody is working. I was talking about it. I wish Kevin had a guitar that we did. Tony Woods was around. He was in it. Tony Woods was in the comedy guitar that we did Tony was around he was in it Tony Woods was in the comedy express. Yeah, Tony was why stop it. Why I was just one question Did you guys come in town so fast and let's so why was it? Is there a train on the bottom of express?

like Train on the bottom of Express Yeah, they can't we guys hanging out of the tree No, we did we did we did B.T. We did a special What? We are B.T. Special comedy express is that on the internet? No, you sure is Think our voices we did I was on there with Chris rock. This is person comedy express 88 caught He was in comedy express. No, he just did the show with

His own big day called our voices. He had bottom rocker. He didn't have a full But we did we did radio too. I mean I did radio and everything I was the guy Kill for that isolated audio for that isolated audio. I was the guy. You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy.

You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy.

You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy.

You said, I was the guy. You said, I was the guy. You said, I want to like this. I like this when I just won second. You get mad at me because it's too distracting, so I searched on my phone. I looked over the phone. No, I looked over the phone. Just look on there. I looked over like this. I'm excited.

I was like, hey, he's going'm so terrible. What are you looking at? God is good. God is great. The flesh. 1986. Oh, Jim the likes. Look at her with her legs. They're mid-80s open.

Okay, now listen. Now listen. Here we go. Let's let it load fully before we get carried away. I just want this to read this. Look at, did you know Sheila Banks? Can I tell you right now, I love Keith's fucking carnival hat that he's wearing I think what's it think I told

Patrice I've been doing that I did that it But I don't think you've done it all you that's what I was part of Lord gangsters is playing yeah You're seven We know what I'm gonna ask there boom. Well, why did you wear a hat that makes it look like you're guessing people's weight And I'm glad you don't have the hat right now You're gonna get two prizes Let's go Press is a group of young comedians for Philadelphia

Company express which includes their manager Nick Reed Don't buy the BET studios and the laughs were never ending manager, Nick Reed, jumped by the BET studios and the laughs were never ending. You know, it's hard to describe these funny individuals, but they do kind of remind you of another famous foursome. I feel like the top. You notice how he likes the top? Just like the top. And I know how much time I look.

I'm going to keep energy. I'm going to keep energy. I'm going to keep it. I'm going to keep it. I'm going to keep it. I'm going to keep it. I'm going to keep it. I'm going to keep it. I'm excited in the back. I am fucking so excited. Look at me stupid Keith up at the top with his hat and a set and jacket I put stuff together. What do you want? I'm like a puff daddy of comics very gory you ripped all these guys off

Where are we where all these guys now? I know the guy on the bottom left. He's not a power son. No, it's that's rough. Is that Ralph? Who's the guy on the bottom left? He's done, right? That Rocky. His hair's gone.

He's done. Rocky. Yeah, he's got a fucking, he's got a cow Dracula peak. You know, that's when you know black guys go when he has cow Dracula hair. It looks like a final four team for me I got Like that the only has some dude don't have some guy

I'm gonna fly honey Oh my god, that's a good I said is don't look at how much you said that laughter never stop Look at you don't look at happy Keith that is at that joke Yeah, you do the pony that's the kids evil already bubbling up inside of us like this fucking idiot. My name is Jellery. I'm going back with you. You see Keith after a bomb's he goes, fuck it, I don't know. Really? Fuck it throws his front out of the bike. And after he bombs, he's like, yeah, his fucking stunk right here. Look at that. Oh my name is... Oh my name is... Oh my name is...

At least you're not a phony. At least you have to put that two-hours cube to realize. Oh my god. I want to be a president. I take some known message. And I'm the dumbest. It is down with dope and up with dope. Taking either one of the things for some sense and the brains.

Because my name is Jesse. I want to be a president. I take some known message. And I'm the sense into the brain because my name is Jessi. I want to be impressive. I take an oomvessing. I'm the best. Jessi. It sounds like Mahamin Ali. My name is Rocky Wilson. I'm a stand up comic gun. I work with the comedy express enterprises. and uh... and a first off there's nothing better than an impressionist doing a bad like uh... that's like a current impression

but he's his rap essay mess it test it quesse he did it hey that killed the ladies yeah i know oh it's true it was a different time oh my god this stinks. I want to say anybody out there that's thinking about committing suicide or having a bad day,

just please YouTube comedy express and watch these videos and you'll feel better about your life. Out of Southern bitch, why'd you pull it up? Go. You were going to go by a comic who was struggling and filled up for your trying to become a comedian and find that it was hard for a black comic to find work in the Philadelphia area. So we formed a group organization where we work ourselves and we do our own thing. Yeah, that would be a white area of Philadelphia building everything.

What did you say? Yeah, that whole white city filled up. Yeah, that's right. So I. Talked about Black man and Philadelphia. Yeah, that's white white people out there in the 18th. The 18th was, yeah, still popping in the 18th. And how much pressure is on the rise? The new things that were growing on a national level and the new future.

What's going to happen is, will it become real, real, real successful? And the only way we won't see each other is if they build like something in a way of traffic that we can't get to each other. Stop right there like your success Ralph. He dumped you. I dumped you guys quick Ralph had a good hit. He didn't bring the express with him.

That was a shuttle. Definitely felt the comedy shuttle he unhitched from that train. He didn't bring the express with him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no If I get my own success and I dump these fucking heavyweights Wow I'm sorry my timing was off I always say the sensitive stuff and you know I just want to agree that was a terrible analogy The only way they would see each other is they build up stuff in traffic to not Yeah, I still don't know what that meant I'll tell you what he's trying to say is the other way This is not gonna work as if I get successful and things get in front of us like fame and I leave you is exactly what he did Go Mike. Join video

Hi, I'm Rob Harris and I'm a comedian. I'm a stand-up comic with the group comedy Express from Philadelphia And I started out doing comedy about three years ago professionally. Actually I've been a funny guy all my life. I decided to give it a try though at the high school, at the C&A Murphy, get his start in a Saturday Night Live. My idol's a Bill Cosby and I feel that I'm going to do well in this business because I give a lot to it and And I figure in five years, if you watch me, you'll come out and see me as a show. And I may even be able to let you in free. Well, I will definitely not be talking to Keith anymore. Because if there's one person that won't be in my life, it's these three assholes.

But in five years, if you're doing great, why are you going to let him in for free? Doesn't make sense. Comp tickets. But man to people. Comp tickets. Yeah. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I can't wait are you last on this please be last I can't wait so upset that this exists You can't get away from for by the way your generation you're like, ah, there's some embarrassing shit that escaped me That's why when Mike found this you're like So to he actually said it does nothing. nothing. He tried to fucking sit down around,

bad. I go, no, there's nothing. I was like, all right, but fucking Mike on your phone relax, you could have found it on here too. Found it, and here we go. I say Keith's gonna do great though. I hope you the funniest of the four in his little interview, what do you think?

He's definitely gonna be the most serious man. You're serious in this? No. I guarantee you, I'm gonna try to be fun in this whole thing too. I guarantee he was an energetic guy. He's gonna use energy. No, because I'm the brains behind everything, so I gotta be, I gotta express it.

I gotta tell people. Is that what the expression is? Why? I have to help you. Is that the comedy express? I really hope you're pandering for a laugh in this. Is that the comedy express? Because you're expressing your thoughts and feelings?

Not a train, it's expression. Oh, it's cute. You're both cute. That's not bad. I'm so fucking happy we found this. I'm thinking about launching a solo tour on my own. Who's the feline? Right here.

I want to announce it now. So it'll be no bitter failings You know soon that you know number one when we Pulling some really good things I'm launching a soul for key for obviously on poor you know What can I say answer this I really respect you on Keith He fuck kept it honest. Yeah, you said the second I can I'm fucking out of here. No, yeah I want that jacket more than life. It's just make him. Can we make it?

Tony was one of that jacket bad. Now we just we started common expression DC started a group called the term to turn them out posse. The what? Turn them out posse. Yeah. Turn them out posse. What the fuck?

We started a group with satin jackets. What? They did. Well, they the bomb squad. Oh, so we had like group with satin jackets. What? They did the bomb squad. Oh, so we had like, you know, blood and sweat. We just go, really there was like, why the, can we start that like warrior shit? Like how do the bomb squad, bomb squad.

We just go and fucking do shows and we bomb. Just on purpose. Let's go up there and go, yeah, Trump's got some good points. Yeah. And the trends more like pick a side. We mean that. You can't just stick it. You can't just stick it.

You can't just stick it. You can't stick it anymore. Bomp squad. I got it. I'll show you my dick. It's a pre-lunch. Bomp squad. Yeah.

Shit's not working. Yes. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You missed the Rogers. You fucking comedy. You know, you went like this.

They're like, what do you want to do is I got an idea hang on a sec You gotta put this up here. Welcome welcome to my neighborhood My name will you get shot I'm murdered I'm gonna leave these people in the dust give him my jacket You stink and those cheap hangers Wow! You stink. I know it's cheap hangers. Just being a rapper.

I don't have to be in T-Studios. I like the full sweater under the jacket. He's gonna sweater, a tie, a shirt, a jacket. Pull that back five seconds to watch him rip that off. Oh please. God that was great. Let's see the jacket. Oh get it, there it is.

I mean Keith, I want to make one for your birthday. That's my visual what I see in jacket. Oh, get it. There it is. I mean we Keith I want to make one for your birthday That's my visual what I see in as a director. Okay, I grabbed the jacket put it on Yeah, and boom become Superman. Yeah, no, that's just amazing Hey, you guys know I guess you want to interview me don't you? I think I can make room for you guys my busy schedule I know you want to know where it all started. We're the legend of Keith Robinson first be down I'm gonna let you know because you guys are special. Oh my god stop. I don't know what's happening inside of my body right now I love this so what is the what am I feeling?

It's in my throat. I don I don't know just it's joy Bobby It's pure joy that Keith did the you want to know how the legend of Keith Robinson began What and he's dressed like a blood at a funeral Oh my God Oh my God. I can't have that. Fuck it, take it. This is so great. His fake confidence is fucking killing me.

First off, he did a walk-in talk to the fucking desk. But that's not fake confidence. No, I know a confident talk. I was on BET, which is like a big deal back in 1986. It wasn't that many channels. Yeah, this is one of 15. Shit. I love it. The legend is that. The talk sucker put his jacket on and sat on the corner of the vanity. Charles yeah, this is one of 15

The legend is talk sucker put his jacket on and sat on the corner of the vanity By the way, he's the only idiot that puts your jacket on inside It's He goes I like to sweat when I'm talking Please just bring it back bring it back just I got it was I got to see the walk and talk again Bring it back right talking. Please just bring it back. Bring it back, I gotta watch. I gotta see the walk and talk again. Bring it back right there. I just gotta see him put that. Oh, there it is.

Young King, you mean, I should be the sh**. I think I can make room for you guys. My busy schedule. Stop, but he's not even looking at the camera. He's looking at the camera, sound guy. Look, he keeps looking at the sound guy, talking to a human being, and he don't back to the game You don't know how things work there

Go back to the little bit how afraid were you missing your arm? Talking now Go I have to go on. I'm just going to go on. I got it. Go on. Just look at this. Look at this. I'm going to interview you, don't you? Go go, he's talking to me.

I think I can. I'll link well for you guys. My busy schedule. Yeah, no, you want to know where it all is. That's really good, huh? The guy's going like this. He's pointing at the camera. Look at the camera.

Keith, I'm sorry. It's just a white ball dude going. That's great. We need to look. Keith, it's... We like what you do with the jacket and stuff. Does it say your name on the front? Keith yeah.

Where is this jacket? I don't know but I'm about to make him one. Like I'm legitimately gonna look up a set jacket. You do not have this set, you didn't save this. No, no, we had two, two styles, polo and satin. The way it all started, we're the legend of Keith Robinson first began.

I'm gonna let you know, because you guys are special. BET. Well, it all started when I was young, very young. When I first had this attitude, this attitude problem that I have now, see my mom, she wouldn't let me suffocate the cat. This is the worst. I got ticked off. Right away from home when I was two years old.

Packed my parents up and got the heck out of the place. I is the worst. I got to go right away from home when I was three years old. Packed my parents up and got to hang out with a play. I didn't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. One man show Keith how to theory eights. That's when that's your story. When was I know we know that's why it stinks. Yeah. Why? Why? Why? Why would serial killers do that? Why would suffocate think a cat? Why would you think that would fly on TV? I started when I tried to suffocate a cat. Why would you think that would fly on TV? I started when I tried to suffocate a cat Why would you think what works in a black girl? You think people are gonna watch and go this bad mother Try to kill cats when he's too a lot of kids try to kill cats. Yeah, those

I'm a kicker cat. No, oh, sorry It's great watching you lose the wind out of your sails to defend the animal torture. You know, no one there. No one in to that. Hey guys. He's had a two problem that I have now. See my mom, she wouldn't let me suffocate the cat. What the fuck is that?

Why would that be fun? The guy in the boot, the fine guy in the boomer goes, that's good. That's real good. I get it now. How did you problem? I got tickle boot, if I had a guy in the boot, if I had a guy in the boot, my makeups, that's good. That's real good. I get in there out of your problem. I got tickled right away from home when I was two years old, packed my papers up, and got the heck out of the place.

I didn't need the pressure. And with me, I've always been funny. I've always made people laugh. Told story to my brothers. And everything just won't smooth I'm just great Stop no, you're not I would have fucking deleted this video Did they hear this? Do you see it did you see it did you notice this confidence bail towards the end?

I guess not working this bit isn't working No, it was still there. No, you weren't. You were mumbling your words. I didn't mumble no word. Yeah, you did. Go back. Everything's mumbling a cat.

No, you didn't hear that clear. Watch your brothers. Ready? Smooth for me. And I'm discreet. Calmly express. Good, good, good way. There you go.

I mean, you see what it was. I didn't lose no confidence in that. Yeah, you did go back. I might Didn't go back all the way go right there right there I'm so you got the heck out of the place. I didn't need a pressure Yeah, and with me, you know, I've always been funny. I've always made people laugh Told story to my brothers and everything just went smooth for me. And I'm just great. I mean, Caledon, stay confident the entire way.

And maybe I was wrong. Could you put that back? Yeah. He looks like fucking Tupac Shakur. Everybody got to understand what I do. Young Tupac. Look at his eyes, he looks like Tupac. Everybody needs to know what I do.

I didn't, I lost confidence in someplace, but then I'm, you know, I'm just, I'm so worried. So I was looking at the cat, all those nice black lady sitting at home, waiting for Luther Vandross video, and they're like, that's fucked up man. Yeah, there they go.

You know what's up with Kiddick Hat? Oh, you trying to kill a cat? This boy got problems. I was too, and I packed up my pampers. But you know what? I like him packing up his pampers. Keith, where are you going? I want to kill cats.

I just tried to suffocate it. I'm restricted in this house my mom wouldn't let me kill it animal. I need to grow Yeah, I got to live somewhere where I can murder small in a city I tell pussy stories to my brothers Did I love it? That is just pure confidence all the way through thanks? God takes. God. That's take my shit out. How do you express? What do you expect the 22 year-old with? Oh, Nick Lee. The ultimate and the cousin. Comedic and entertainment. The ultimate and entertainment. And generally, just the ultimate and the ultimate. And the entire assessment. And the assessment. And every endeavor. And that goes for writing and producing and performing and

Just a successful production company. See right here's the manager. What is like? It's like our garbage disposal You know you drop stuff That's what you do see if you don't have this stuff together Always go with your first instinct because just be because someone else didn't do it that way doesn't mean it's not gonna work The vice-order half of any young person coming to come is having attitude like me take it easy. I'm key for He did one, but he was gonna do peace with then he backed out and he did what is this me? What is no one in the world is ever went? You, I'm outta here. I just, number one.

Keith, number one. What the fuck was that? You panicked, and your other finger didn't go up. Why do you keep trying to make me panicked, you know, because I was on TV at such early age. That's a big thing. 22, TV credit. Keith stinks.

It's my first TV credit. I have an attitude. Comment, he's stressed. I love it though. I love it. I want to get him one of those jackets. But you guys got college kids in between these and money. We wish them well.

Well, that is a wrap. Yeah, we're in the universe of that. Is there anything else? I fucking albischou our videos next. Yeah. Let's all take a blue choe and turn off the lights. Can I ask you a question without being mean? Might not, but go ahead.

Have you ever heard A Ari Shafir fart, because why don't you get a publicist instead of blowing all your money on little rings? I know the show's over when I get to feel my heartbeat in my asshole. Oh, you guys are the best fans of the world. Thanks for listening. You know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what, you know what, you, you know what the, you know what the, you know what, you know what the, you know what, you know what, you, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what, you, you know what the, you know what the, you know what the, you know what I've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. you you