Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Bill Squire | Mistake By The Lake

Episode Date: November 27, 2022

Bobby sits with comedian, radio host and friend Bill Squire from the I Heart Radio Studios in Cleveland! These two talk how they met, faking flavor enjoyment, wearing diapers as a teen and literary wacking material! This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/dude and get on your way to being your best self. Shop Tommy John’s Cyber Monday Sale NOW! Get THIRTY-THREE PERCENT OFF EVERYTHING, PLUS FREE SHIPPING at TommyJohn.com/YKWD. It’s one of Tommy John’s BIGGEST sales of the year! THIRTY-THREE PERCENT OFF EVERYTHING, PLUS FREE SHIPPING at TommyJohn.com/YKWD See site for details. Patreon.com/RobertKelly to watch Unedited and Ad Free PLUS Watch Episodes LIVE and GET Bonus Episodes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Descarga ya la aplicación en todos tus dispositivos. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate The fact that YKW did podcast, YKW did back again. Old school back in the day, we're all starting before them all. YKW did podcast is so fun and crazy, and there's no rules. Shut up, you ruining this! Rupert Bargain, I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done.

Is there any better show? This is the NPR. That's the part that can't be done. Is there any better show? Is there any better show? Is there any original? Is there any better show? Is there any original? Is there any better show? Is there any better show? Is there any original? Is there any better show?

Is there any original? Is there any original? Is there any original? Hey, what's up everybody? Robert Kelly here. Robert Kelly here. I am in Cleveland. I am in Cleveland.

What are they? I don't even know what they call the Motherland, the heartland, the... The land is something they try and throw at us. the land is something they try and throw at us. Yeah. You know, mistake by the lake. Mistake by the lake. I like a lot. Mistake.

We're in Cleveland. YKWD, in Cleveland, the mistake by the lake. Sounds like an abortion. We're here. I got one of my oldest friends in the business and I love them. The death bill squire is on today's episode of YKWD. Make sure you subscribe and hit the like button and comment. I don't even care if you don't like the episode. That's fine because my fans will attack you and you attack them and then the algorithm

climbs and then I become successful. I guess that's how the kids tell me it works. So make sure you do all that stuff and patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If you ever want to be in the chat and you want to see it before anybody else go there and become a supporter of my Patreon. So what's up, buddy? Not much. Isn't that great?

How the algorithm doesn't care if people hate you. They just want them to engage. It makes me insane. I don't even understand it. It's, but it has to go back to why cop show the show cop. Yeah. Ricky Lake, Jerry Springer. There's something happened to us. We went from these Donahue. You know, we went from like a regular little talk show where they interviewed. If you ever watched those shows back in the day, of course, it's the most boring thing ever, right. But they were engaging because there wasn't anything

like it then, right. And you're always just waiting for that car crash moment. Well, you every once in a while, you get something big that would happen. And if you missed it, you felt like a punts. Well, we went from like these boring interviewing actors and people where there was never any controversy to Jerry Springer something and we were like, oh, we want that. We want that. Who's the other guy? Downie junior, not Robert Downie junior. Who's the dad's?

You're not the father, Murray. No, no, no, no, no, Murray. Not before, Murray. Morton Downie junior. Morton Downie junior. Morton Downie junior. Was the first, mm-mm? I don't even know that.

I mean, I know the name. I don't know what his show was. Dude, we're going to put a link right now and put a little, I wish we'd get video, but dude, it's a, Martin down in junior show. He was, uh, he had a set, just like an open studio. Yeah. And he had chairs and shit and he smoked. He changed smoked.

He had a, a silver, a bowl with water in it on stage just to throw a cigarette. That's how much you smoked fucking nuts. And he would rant. And he had these big lips and he would just attack people and just flip out and make these big long rants and monologues that he would do. And this is just like a syndicated show. This is on TV syndicated. And he would have people on it scream at him. You're an idiot.

Yeah. And I was unbelievable. But that's when I think this country snapped and broke was the Morton down in New New Jersey. Morton down in New Jersey shows went and then you know, Jerry Springer and then, you know, I mean, Howard Stern with radio. Yeah. Well, Howard Stern.

So I would listen a little bit to Howard it's done, but I got more into the e show that was on. Remember the behind the scenes. Yeah. Well, it was like they played clips of the show. They'd show like the guy trying to start to set the fart record and they'd have porn stars on. And it was at that time where you were still like seeing pixelated boobs was still cool. Yeah, you're still in turn not about it just because like you're like, oh my gosh, imagine if you were in that studio and this girl pulled her big boobs out, that'd be insane. Crazy.

Yeah, and then we took it too far. Oh yeah. How it started at the beginning was amazing. Yeah. But then we took it too far. We needed to see behind the scenes. We needed to see the boobs. Right.

And then we needed to hear the swears. Yeah. And as soon as you could say, what I want, it lost something. Like I remember being an open Anthony for the first time when they went to, we went from FM to, yeah, to K rock to satellite. Yeah, we're from K rock to XM.

Oh, XM, okay, okay. And you could say whatever you wanted. Uh huh. It wasn't as fun. Well, it's not as dangerous. And that's, you know, I've been working on radio. So I still have to play by those rules for my job. And there is something to it.

And what's funny is there's people that are so used to you being uncensored. They don't understand that I have to be a little tricky to get away with some of the jokes. And they're like, just come out and say it. I'm like, I can't. I have to, I have to be silly about being dirty. I can't just be graphically dirty. And that's the fun of it is saying something that you're not supposed to say in that forum. Right. It's like, it's like making a dirty joke in church. Right. Yeah. It's like, you know,

it's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, when you end it, give it a priest swear. Oh, yeah. It blows your mind. Right. When you teach, it says something outrageous. Well, it's like when my mom never swears, but then like out of nowhere, she'll drop. So I wasn't even here for this, but this is like a legendary story. I was raised Mormon. My mom is in parents are still Mormon. And my mom and my sister and my ex-wife were on a trip. And there was some story that had broken. They heard on the news about a guy hiding cameras in toilets. And my sister and ex-wife were just kind of like joking about it. And my mom from the back seat goes, that's sick guy.

He just wants to see all those cuts. And like, really? And she drops that and like, like, because she doesn't know how to swear. So she goes way too hard to swear. She picks the wrong vagina work. Yeah, wait, you got that pussy. Right, you got a pussy.

Stink, wrinkle, anything. Slice. And she goes right to beef cart. And she's like, my sister and ex-wife were just blown away. And like just knowing that she said it, because they wouldn't even say that word.

And she just goes, nah, guy wants to see their cons. And before we make this about a fucking freedom of speech, shit, shut up. No. I don't, I think you should be able to say whatever you want. Right. I totally am fine with that.

But there was, there is something to find it. Having to figure out how to talk about eating a chick's pussy or doing, you know, you know, whatever, sacks or anything without saying it. Well, and that's one of the fun things about, you know, being on terrestrial radio. So we come up, especially when it happens organically, when you come up with a term for something and it happens organically. So when that fire fest documentary came out

and the guy was talking about how he was going to go and blow someone so that they could get water, he said something about signing documents. So that's what we call Succundic on the radio the radio. We call it a sign your document. Yeah. And get my document signed because it's, you know, yeah, it like in the audience, exactly. And it's and makes it fun. Exactly. I'm going to get my, I want to get my document signed while I'm in Cleveland. I was last night. It was a girl. If this gets a right amount of views,

I'll, uh, you'll sign my documents. Yeah, absolutely, especially if we can, uh, yeah,'ll do sign my documents. Yeah, absolutely. Especially if we can, uh, yeah, we'll talk about that later. We'll talk about later. Yeah. Yeah. And nothing hotter than getting a blowjob from an ex-mormon. Yeah, right. No, no, it's, uh, it, I like to fulfill that fantasy for people, you know?

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Maybe that's, is that he made, you made your money, extra money on the side? Oh, yeah. That way before only fans and anything like that, I was just the, you want to watch an ex-Mormon jerk off that they're like, do you still got the name tag? Do you have that stuff? No, I'm really bad at keeping mementos and stuff like that. So I might have it in like a storage unit, but I don't know.

You got to get that out. I should go through some stuff. Make sure you have that stuff, dude. That's crazy. I'm so bad at that stuff, dude. That's crazy. I'm so bad at that stuff though. Like I'm not nostalgic about the past. So like I don't keep mementos really. I keep everything.

And if I do, this actually got me in trouble with my girlfriend because I had a picture, like a little Polaroid for someone's birthday last year. I just put her in my wallet after we took the picture, forgot about it. And my girlfriend's going through my wallet. She's this polar word of me and a girl, and she's like, what the fuck is that?

I thought you guys were just friends. I'm like, we are just friends. And she's like, why do you keep that in your wallet? I'm like, I forgot I was in my wallet. And it's a big deal to her, but to me, it means nothing. Right, and at least I keep everything. I know what I was like, keep, I keep. I keep different fat clothes and different skinny clothes. Like I have leather jackets.

Oh, I have those. From when I was skinny. Like jackets, I have an Italian jacket. I have a snake skin leather jacket. Nice. I remember I bought it with Patrice. And it was when I was getting chubby again. And I put it on and go, how's this look?

It goes, it looks like a snake eating you. I actually put that in my act. But I have all, I have like every laminate. Yeah. Really? I have all my laminates from everything. I keep all my laminates. I have stuff, I've posters from Torgasm.

Maybe I just haven't done stuff I want to remember yet. No, like I just, you've done stuff. I've done a lot of stuff. And I, but I'm just not that guy. Like I just, I mean, even the photos that I have my family are in a box, they're not on my walls. Really? The things that the things that I have on my walls are just like silly things like it's, you know, I got, uh, so you know, when Mark Norman went viral for that interview with the girl on the news.

Yeah, so I've interacted with her a few times. I've been on her show a few times and she commented on something and said I was the best. And so like that, I was like, oh, that would be funny to get framed. So I screenshot that comment and put that on my wall. And that's the kind of silly dumb shit to me more than like, a laminate to a festival or backstage pass or stuff like that. I mean, you're at 100% right.

I mean, the stuff that I have, I have t-shirts. I have a t-shirt from the comedy festival I won when I was in Al in the monkeys. Yeah. With Dame Gutt. Yeah, yeah. I have that t-shirt. So that. With Dame Gull. Yeah, yeah. I have that t-shirt.

See, that's cool though. It's cool, but I've never in 20 something years, probably almost 30 years, I've dragged this fucking thing around with me. Right, and now you have it and then if... But it's still not, I'm not going to use it. You're not going to use it, but I mean, it's, I think it's neat. What am I going to do? I'm going to show my son, hey, you know what this is? Yeah, I'm not gonna use it. You're not gonna use it, but I mean, it's, I think it's neat. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna show my son.

Hey, you know what this is? Yeah, I did. Anyways, listen, can you drop me off at the mall? Right. He doesn't give a fuck, right? Right, I mean, yeah, and that's kind of why, it's just, but if it means something to you, and it's not like clutter, it's in storage,

you have it if you want it, but if, I don't know. I don't know, dude. I think I kind of admire where you're not nostalgic about anything, because life... Well, it gets me in a situation where people think I'm being jealous or callous and stuff where I'm just, not even jealous, but like, callous or just like, unfeelling about things. But I'm like, I kind of have a bit of a Buddhist approach to things where it's just like, no attachment to the things.

The memories are great. I love the memories. No, it's great. But the stuff is all expendable. Yeah, I have my mother in me, dude. Yeah. So you go to my mother's house, she goes, pick out what you want when I die.

Yeah. She just has shit everywhere. My grandmother did the same thing. My grandmother had this shelf in the kitchen and my grandfather walked by and he was, oh, there's this shelf, I made that shelf. You know, this shit on it? Yeah.

Yeah, she just keeps adding shit to it. So she's never touched any of this stuff. It just adds. Yeah, accumulates. And when she died, that shit was nothing. Like nobody cared. When you die, right, you think that people are gonna divvy up this shit and take that t-shirt.

Remember this t-shirt, this thing and these laminates are all the shows your father did. You know what Max is gonna do? You know what my family's gonna do? They're gonna cry. And then they're gonna go back to the house. They're gonna have some food. And then they're gonna go back to the house. They're gonna have some food. And then they're gonna start talking about bullshit.

And then they're gonna move on. Yeah, and then they're gonna go, how much money do we have? Yeah, that might be life insurance policies that he have. We didn't get any, not the really one. And that's because I understand that because I have that, I know that the most important thing is to make sure my kids

and, you know, people I love get taken care of in a way. I don't want to have them to have to pay for the funeral. So like, I have a couple, like I have a decent amount of life insurance. So that they'll, they'll have something. Yeah. And I think they'll appreciate that way more than some fucking laminets. A% dude it might be when they get $60,000 and be like, you know what? I really did love this guy. Yeah, dude, I gotta get life insurance dude. I don't know. You have life insurance?

I don't have a life insurance. Do it today. And you're also set up in a place where you can use all her. You can use life insurance as a way of what? Making money. How? Because you get because it's a commodity

So if you put a decent amount in it earns interest and then you can borrow against that interest I mean, you know who I learned that from oh fucking Flowwriter or something some rapper was talking about it and I was like is that right and then yeah, it was fucking right Don you live on the radio With me and Bill Squire you live on YKWD. Dawn. Okay. Do I have, do I?

I'm not sure. Okay, thank you for telling me that. Do we have, hi Max. Do I have life insurance? Um, no. Dawn, can you get that today? Please. What do we get term?

Yeah, term is. So I don't know the ins and outs of it, but term. What do you have? I think I have term. Okay. It's like 20 years. And then you just have to renew it every like when it's up. That way it doesn't last

But then there's another kind that you get and that's the kind that you can borrow against and actually it becomes a commodity I get the one you can borrow money against okay Yeah, okay, all right The final conversation for you why KWD Sorry We're just talking about what are you you you allaminates and posters and shirts? Are you all money? Exactly.

There you go. Get on it. I love you guys. How'd you doing Jiu-Jitsu today? He's got a zipper over his lips. Got a little like needle-dew. All right, goodbye. Awesome. I'll see you guys later. I love you. I think I'd be good. Awesome. I'll see you guys later. I love you.

Okay. I love you. I'm going to look talking about. I can't believe I don't have any life insurance. Yeah, it's a, I'm 52. I was walking a flock of flame talking about life insurance. That walk. And it's just one of those things that showed up in my TikTok.

And I was like, well, that sounds real smart. And I'm going to check into it. And it is a thing. So I don't even have that kind yet, but I'm going to get that kind. Right. Is it expensive to get life insurance? Not really.

Like I have two policies that are pay out $100,000 each. And it's like $30 a month. That's it. For each one. So I'm paying like $70 a month. Does your girl know about that? No, but she's not on the list yet. Oh, so she don't get it.

Not yet. We've been dating for a few months. Okay. All right. It was a different girl from last time. A different one. Oh, yes. I've moved a lot and I've had a lot of girlfriends.

Aren't you in a nice apartment high risk? Yes. I got a nice condo with the lake view and everything. You own it or you own it. You looking you do. I am doing all right. You do remember me and you used to hang out. Yeah. Yeah. Little tie. You would wear a tie with a white shirt like a Mormon. Yep. And you would just a fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you still am. You still fuck up. I'm still a fuck up. But I just have I figured out a a few things. And, you know, one thing that threw me into, like, growing up fast was I got married to a woman that had three kids that I raised.

Right. And so that made me grow up a lot and kind of picking shoes, what I valued. And just time and relationships were like the main thing. Like be around people you want to be around and spend your time doing what you want to do. Well, people don't understand, and I figured this out. I actually became a man when I had my son. Yeah. I became, I always thought I was this man.

I wasn't until I had Max, that's when I became a man. I had responsibilities that you couldn't run from. I had things I had to do that I couldn't hide from. Right. I had to be a dad. run from. I had things I had to do that I couldn't hide from. I had to be a dad. I never had one. So I had these responsibilities. I had to be a better husband.

I had to be a better person. Because I now I'm raising something, someone, who is gonna take what I teach them. Yeah. And that's kind of the same thing for me. Like I didn't, like I went into these kids' life and I like went head first. And so once I was living with their mom and stuff

and like I had moved to New York and then I moved back because I wanted to be part of that family. Yeah. And so I was like, if I'm gonna be here, I'm gonna do it all in. Even if they were still a little bit like, because people have their guards up when people are coming into their life,

especially children. So they never, I mean, they eventually got to a point where they're like, oh, he's our dad, we can rely on him for anything, but it was me constantly trying to have to prove that. And so, you know, I'm going out doing these gigs on a weekend, it's not like I was, you know, you're making feature money,

you're doing pretty good on merch some weekend, so you come home with a lot of cash sometimes, like, oh, I'm doing good. You're like, all right, what am I doing with this? Making sure my kids can have school clothes, doing those things, making sure rents paid, all those things that make you be selfless and focus,

and you don't even care, you're proud of it. You're happy. That's the key, man. The key people don't understand that being selfless, like helping other people, doing things for others, right? Right. Is one of the greatest drugs you'll ever take. Absolutely.

And people don't get it. Like, they think they have to become famous or go party or get laid. All you have to do to feel holy shit inside is be selfless. Do something for somebody else, right? And help somebody else with disregard for yourself and just do it for them. Just for them, not for you, not for the accolades, not for the, all the boasts, just to help somebody else out.

I mean, dude, I had a guy last night. He said, he hit me on Instagram, Hey, I got something for you. I liked to meet you. And my brain, I'm like, maybe you got a cigar, whatever. And I'm like, sure, I'll meet anybody that wants to meet me. Right. Anybody that wants to meet me, I will meet you.

You know, I don't like to hang out and do, I don't like to hang out after a show. Right. Because there's people that don't. Right. And that's just sauce. That feels real bad. That feels so bad. The worst

that when when you're the, you know, with a group of people, and you know, there's doing tours with like rich in in, in, right I know exactly. And they're, there's everyone so excited to meet one of the guys. And then they get to you. And they're just like, and then they just pass right over you. That is a feeling that, that makes a core memory. And it's usually women love doing this.

Not, I'm not being a sexist, but men like to do so, women will love to go, you know, see me and then look, see, oh, you are so funny. And let you, like they wanna look at you, get your attention and then go over there. You were great. Oh my, and it's like.

Those real housewife compliments where they know that they're doing. Oh, yeah. The passive aggressive shit. So I'd rather avoid that. But if somebody's like, dude, of course I'll come at you. He showed up last night.

He's a craftsman, a wood guy. And I guess you heard me on Rogan talking about how I love. I love people who make stuff from scratch. I love knife makers. I love jewelry makers. I love wood, you know, carpenters and wood, uh, make, I love, um, you know, I mean, anybody who takes something from nothing and just makes it. Yeah. And then I'll be saying you have this beautiful piece of something. I love it. It's great when they do a good job. Yes. Good. I'll be saying you have this beautiful piece of something. I love it. It's great when they do a good job Yes, good. Yes

You know you've had people give you a picture of you like I This dude I made this view is like was like, ah, shit, you sure did, didn't you? Ramon, Ramon Revis is a comic and Cleveland too. And he got into painting and he was painted a picture for another comic when her dad died. Oh, boy. And she's like, what am I going to do with this? I'm like, you're going to fucking frame it

and put it on your wall because that's your friend and that's your dad. And it's not great, am I gonna do with this? I'm like, you're gonna fucking frame it and put it on your wall because that's your friend and that's your dad. And it's not great, but he made it with love so you have to enjoy it. You're gonna frame it, you're gonna put it right by his casket at the funeral. Right by his head. Good, I saw this video yesterday.

No, I'm just gonna sidetracked for a second because I like this conversation, but I was watching this video today and I'm pretty sure it was real. A guy broke into a funeral doing Facebook live or something, he's like, yeah, this motherfucker ain't shit. And he walks out, slapped his bitch right now,

and he just goes crack and slaps the fucking corpse, and then everybody attacks him. I'm pretty sure it was real though. If it was a skit, it was perfectly done. Yeah. Because it was too much, it was believable. If it was a skit, it was perfectly done. Yeah. Because it was too much. It was believable. There was no shitty act together.

It was real emotions. And there's no way you got unknown actors to act that great. Right. It was so funny. He slapped the corpse. It was probably, there's a big percentage, it was probably fake, but I was dying alive. Because no one's ever, no one's ever,

never seen a, not yet, a Facebook live from a funeral. You know what I mean? I'm expecting it to come. Right. With some of his yo, yo, I'm at a, I'm at Kurt's funeral man. Look at that motherfuckers out. He's out, he's not in there anymore.

He looks good though, right? Like right at the, take your last. Yo, what's up man? Grab his hand. So I don't think that's gotta be out there. When you've gone to funerals, have you ever touched the body in the casket? No, but a friend of mine bit the nose once.

Really? Yeah, a friend of mine was in the, you know, Italian guy from the North end of Boston. Let's just say that. Yeah. And this guy owed him money, a lot of money, and he died. He went to the thing he went up to the casket He said his thing and then he leaned over and bit his fucking nose and went you cock sucka you owe me money And you could see teeth marks on the guy's nose

That's amazing. Yeah, I my cousin passed away when he was a 17 and at his funeral. I was just You know trying to deal with it the way I could and I was 14 at the time. So I just like, well, I know how Ryan was and he'd want me to touch his dead body. And so I reached in and held his hand. You did? Yeah.

And it was stiff. Yeah, terrible. It was not a human being. I still have dreams about it, but it's, but I, but the relationship that we had, like, he was my cool older cousin. And so he always, like, I'd always try and do things to impress him. And so, like, that would be a thing that I, like, I would be able to tell him. And so then I told his older brother a few years later, and he's like,

he absolutely would have loved that. Oh, you got it. You got mannequin hand-feeling in the brain of what Ryan, who? His name is Ryan Cook. Oh, okay. Is he comedian? No, no, he was, I mean, we were in high school at the time. Right. So he was my cousin and he was like a state champion wrestler though.

No, sure. And then he was driving home on a, we were living in the country and he had a four wheeler and he was driving home from his girlfriend's house at night on a four wheeler and he wasn't wearing a helmet and the road was a harder bend than he remembered. He was driving it at night and he just went to the bush, his head and died real sad. That sucks, man. Why would a bummer? Yeah.

You any more sad shit for this? Oh, so much man I got. This is why I don't keep anything because I don't want to be reminded of that. There You any more sad shit for this? Oh, so much man. I got it. I don't keep anything because I don't want to be reminded of that. There's so much sad shit. That's a, but that's, I mean, that's kind of how we bonded was that first weekend. Uh, when you worked at your headline, the Cleveland improv when you're still in the old location and it was like you came in and just, you know, I was such a big fan of all you guys from from Opie and Anthony, you and Jim

and Patrice and everything. And we did some shows and you're like, I was hosting and you're like, oh, you're pretty funny and you're, you know, we were kind of talking. Then we talked about spending some Christmases on the road and just being sad on the road on Christmas. And then that's when the, and then eating our feelings.

And then we're like, oh, we're friends. Yeah, yeah, we bonded. Yeah, we do eat our feelings. We do. You know what I'm gonna do? So we're talking about. How many fats have you had? This is probably my fourth.

Your fourth fat? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, this is my fourth. And, you know, I think I'm, I'm gonna try, you've talked a lot about the surgery. Yeah. And I'm gonna get a consultation. But I think what I'm gonna do to get in the head space

is start treating it like I already have it, and just think about like, okay, I can eat this much, and then I'm gonna get sick, and just tell myself I'm gonna get sick if I eat too much. You're gonna fake a surgery in your head. Yeah. Do you understand? Try and hitin' the ties myself.

I know it's not gonna work. Okay, but you know what I did first to get the surgery? in your head. Yeah. Do you understand? Try and hit in the ties myself. I know it's not gonna work. Okay, but not your first of all. You know what I did first to get the surgery? You had to lose weight, right? No. Okay. I had to get my spirit right.

Okay. I had to get my head right. Three years ago, I went and got my shit together mentally and spiritually. Whatever that is for you, I don't know what that is for you. Well, I mean, I don't know if I have that spirituality. I think that's a part of my life that I tap into from time to time, but I don't know if I have like an in-depth realization what it is for me. Like, I like doing things for people. I have a lot of empathy for people, but I don't think of spirituality that I don't think.

Spirituality is a positive perspective on life. Okay. That's what God is to me. People talk about God. It's a positive perspective. It's right and wrong, right? It's being grateful, it's being generous. It's being kind, loving, making connections

with the people around me, not everybody, loving, you know, making connections with the people around me, not everybody, but my family, you know, my wife, my kid, living in the moment. That's all spiritual, taking time to just sit without waking up in the morning. This morning I woke up and I got on my phone, which is not what I don't like to do. I like to wake up in the morning and be grateful. I like to sit there and think about stuff that I'm

grateful for. Yeah. And until I smile. Yeah. Until it makes me happy. Until I think of something, I'm like, man, thank you. Right. That's how I like today. I got on the thing. I got I just because I had my flight thing popped up. That's what woke me up. So I clicked on that. And then I clicked on Instagram and it went to stories. And it was all about God. All about being grateful. It was all about how to, you know, what life really was all these people. And there's all that was all positive shit. And I was like, I didn't do that. I think this one, I started laughing. I'm like, God, you know what I mean? Whatever the,

That's how good they are with technology now. They're like, how he forgot to do the affirmations. We'll do it for him. I appreciate that. I appreciate the base. So, he's like, Oh, well, you get this one, Bobby. But you gotta remember to be grateful

and then get on the internet. But I think, I think, you know, I usually try to get up and I'll have a wake up. I'll try to do something. I gotta do something because when I feel like when I am driving the car, when I'm the one, making all the decisions when I'm holding on to tight, like yesterday, my flight gets delayed.

It gets delayed again, it gets delayed again, and then it gets canceled. That's where I would be screaming at an airport. God hates me. People suck fuck life. Right. And then when you say that shit, it's little things that stay with you over time. You hold on to that shit.

I just, but because three years ago, I kind of went and started finding avenues to take care of this instead of going to other people and, you know, having them fix me or, you know, instead of being jealous and envious and justified anger and justified resentment and all this shit, that feels great and makes you feel good and fuels the fire, fuck them and fuck the world and I'm the motherfucker, right? Right. I let go of all of it. Like I try to every day just let go.

So yesterday at the airport, I was like, all right, well, I have no control over this. So I'll keep trying to get there. It's what I give you. I talked to the club and they were like, please try. So I was like, I told my wife I go, I'll keep trying to get there is what I give you. I talked to the club and they were like, please try. So I was like, I told my wife I go, I'll keep trying. And if we can find something, we'll get there. If not, I don't know what to do. I'm it's not, it's out of my, I let go of it.

Not one ounce of anger came into the show last night, a little anxiety just because I haven't slept, you know, and I used to be all fucked up and be like, you know, who's these people? What the fuck's going on? Who's this? It's just like, came in, the show's happening. I'm here. I'm going on stage. y se va a ser como, ¿qué es esto? Es como, me parece que es algo que se pasa, y yo estoy aquí.

Estoy en el momento de que me hagas el tiempo. Vamos a tener fun. Tras por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno. Esta es la tres por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovechar tu del tres por uno en medianas a domicidio solo pidiendo al line. ¿Saparao? Tr por 1, 3 por 1, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and having millions of dollars and being Chappelle or any of these guys, Louis, Rogan, all the like being, I had to, you have to be that or you failed.

Right. You have to be, you have to have all those things or you're not successful. You have to do all this stuff or you're not in it. And when it was all taken away from me, the opportunity to get that was taken away. I was like, what do I get left? Oh, I got my wife, I got my family, I got my house, I got people that love me, I got friends, I have a talent, I can talk for a living,

I'm creative, I can make shit happen. You can make other people happy, you get the other. And I know exactly you're talking about that because as a guy that chose to stay in a smaller market and kind of choosing piece of mind over certain pursuits, there are a lot of people that look like I gave up or didn't try or whatever it was, but I just wanted a different path because one, I love doing talk radio. And I love doing stand-up comedy. And I get to do both almost every day and make a decent living doing it.

And it's not this thing where I'm going to get the accolades. I'm not going to get the TV shows or things like that. But I get to just keep going with that. And then also still have, you know, the other things that balance that makes life, because I mean, we both know the people that go so hard and we were probably the ones that have nothing mattered but getting on stage. And you sacrifice all these things and it completely wrecks all your perspective on what's really important in life because we just wanted to be good at stand-up comedy. And we want to respect and we wanted people to know our names.

And then it, it, it, this darkness builds in you and letting go of that is, uh, is really important. I've had more stuff happen for me since I started letting go. Right? And enjoying my life now instead of waiting to get certain things to enjoy it. I've had more success and more stuff happen in a long time. Yeah. You know, um, it was, it's weird. I mean, look at you.

Yeah. Look at where we are. Yeah. Right. Look what we're doing. You know, it's like. I mean look at you. Yeah, look at where we are. Yeah, right look what we're doing You know, it's like you went down your path. Mm-hmm. You didn't fight your path You were trying to do other people's path go to New York hang out here do stupid shit get blah blah blah go to the end of the seller Get it and then you'd be where would you be right now?

You'd probably be on the road somewhere in your ass What have roommates still think like all that stuff? Dude, you went down your path that was not, it wasn't the fucking, the one, people would tell you to choose, go back to Cleveland. Right. The fucking, what is it? The shit on the lake?

What do they call it? They stick on the lake. And you did it, and success was waiting for you. Yeah. You went, you got the family, you got your kids, you got an apartment, you got a job, your respected comic, all of it happened. It just didn't happen right then, right? And that's kind of, and it took a long time

to realize those things were happening. Right. Because they are, they're happening, but you're looking forward instead of being in the moment. And that's a really hard thing to do for a lot of people in any career because you're so focused on trying to do more that you don't appreciate what you have. And I think that's why it's so good that you have recognized like, oh, I need to wake up and be grateful.

And then, and then my day is going to be a lot different. Yeah. Dude, this morning in it sounds corny, but that type of stuff, look at me, you got to find that amount of time on this planet and it goes quick. When you're young, it seems like it takes forever. When you hit your 40s, it goes fast. And all of a sudden, you got to, you know, I have that joke on my ass, you have 30 summers left.

And that's a true statement. And if you aren't living at peak performance, if you're not enjoying that shit and giving yourself any shot, like I said last night, man, I got the operation. I was mentally ready to do it. I'm like mentally ready to not be a fat fuck anymore.

Because I was like, I didn't have a dad around all the time. I had these in and out father figures. Yeah. Right? And I didn't know my real dad. We knew each other here and there, which sucks. Right?

My son was going to go through the same fate because I like noodles. Right. Because I like to eat pizza. Yeah. It's like, wow. Like, how did your dad die? I mean, even your friend died a cool way. Right. I like to eat pizza. It's like, wow. Like how did your dad die? I mean, even your friend died a cool way.

Right. ATV leaving his chicks out. Gross. You know, I, because, you know, I like candy bars and ice cream. My dad's gone and I have no direction of life. Right. And also we've lost people that couldn't get that under control. Yeah.

You know, we've lost a lot of people because they couldn't figure it out. Yeah, look, I accept fat people, dude. And people that, you know, I, but this Lizzo shit, it's like, listen, man, we can't glorify people fucking murdering themselves with food. Oh, you're will. Well, you don't body shame. Look, man, yeah, don't, I don't like when people

call people fat fucks. Like, I know people, I don't like when people call people fat fucks. Like I know people, you know, that big fat fuck, or that, you know, that fat person. I hate that, you know, I don't like that shit. Um, but when you also understand the real, like, the reality is, it's not healthy to carry that much weight. Right. You can't, like, is, is much confidence as Lizzo has and is, you know, she's fun about it, but she's Lizzo. There's a bunch of girls that aren't Lizzo that are like, yeah, losing feet.

Yeah, right. Right. And it's not, and you know, I have ants and uncles that are big and they're real big and like they're almost immobile. We're like just going up the steps every day is like the thing. You can't, you can't, I don't believe that we should be glorified. I'm not saying that because I lost weight.

Yeah. I always felt that way. You know, it's like you can't, we can't like, dude, if you're fat, it's okay. Now, man, you know, it's not okay. You should get help. Right. It's okay. Look at, don't, I'm not gonna make fun of you.

Look at that fat motherfucker. You know, I hate that shit. But, and you should love yourself at every stage of the game. My therapist told me that the last time, two years ago, I got a little bit of weight, I got a little bit of weight. He goes, want you just be fat. I went, what? He goes, just eat't you just be fat? I went, what? He goes, just eat what you want, be fat,

get as big as you want, but love yourself. Just love yourself who you are. And that bothered me. I was like, you motherfuckin', you're telling me to give up on myself. You're telling me to fucking just quit. You're telling me to love myself as is. And he's like, no, I'm just telling you

that you should love yourself no matter what. And I'm like, okay, great, that's fine. But I don't love myself as is and it's like, no, I'm just telling you that you should love yourself no matter what. And I'm like, okay, great, that's fine, but I don't love myself like this. It goes then do something about it. There you go. And I was like, okay, I got it. You can't, if you love yourself being fat and you have fun with that and you're fine getting sick and later in life having problems, okay, fine. Be you. Do your thing, eat what you want. But if you find yourself looking in the mirror being sad and you hate yourself and you're eating as a drug and you wanna be something else,

then you gotta take care of your spiritual out. You gotta take care of your spirit space. Yeah. And I get that thing where you kinda have to accept it, but then you can also work on it. Yeah. Like I love me, but I don't love these parts of me. So what can I do to work on that shit?

And so when you do it, you do it slow, you do it in a way that makes you happy. Like I've been going to the work and I was a trainer for a year and a half. And my body has, I haven't like lost a lot of weight, but my body has changed from being like a lot fatter to a little bit more, you know, more muscle underneath, some of that.

And so that's been like a good step to just be able to do that for a year and a half consistently. And now that I know that I'm gonna do that, I gotta start focusing on the diet, because that's the part where I go, all right, I'll do this in the, do it for two weeks, and you're like, I'll write it deserve a little cheat day, and then you have a cheat day and you fall right off.

And that's the thing that I struggle with the most. Yeah, man, it's the food is, it's your friend, dude. Yeah. Food your friend, and you gotta realize the food is not your friend. Yeah. Food is your enemy. Yeah. Food your friend and you gotta realize if food is not your friend. Yeah. Food is your enemy.

Yeah. Yeah, you don't need to, this thing that you need to have a good meal or eat at a good restaurant or is, poor shit. This is what the commercials did to you. This is what all the ads did to us. This is what movies and everything and these TV shows and the food network. We have

a chance, we have multiple channels where people go, go eat other people's disgusting food as a gimmick. I ate it. We have a shows that man versus competitive eating. And there's still places that can't, the kids aren't eating. That's how fucked up our country is. That's how fat we are. Yeah. We have channels dedicated to just being a fat fuck. Right. And they have these people on it too that don't have food addictions.

So they have no guilt in it. Right. Like, I can't do a food show. We die. We die. I'm not so fat. But I'm also peddling fucking drugs. Yeah. You know, like, We die. We die. But I'm also peddling fucking drugs.

Yeah. You know, like, I'm gonna show like, all right, we're in this town, we're gonna smoke some crack. Yeah. Like a good crack, it's not very stepped on.

Yeah, look at that. This blue dragon, man. We're gonna get, we're going into Harlem, we get the original blue dragon from fucking the movie American gangster. This is the original, it's crazy what we do.

And you can't beat it. The only way to beat it is to, it's just like drugs, you gotta acknowledge it. You gotta accept it, recognize it. And food, like to do this morning, I woke up and I went down to the fucking coffee shop and I lost weight, I'm good. I can have whatever I want now and I went down to the fucking coffee shop and I lost weight. I'm good.

I can have whatever I want now. And I look at this all muffins. It's all fucking biscuits. It's all scones. I could have one of those. I'm, you know what I mean? I'll just, I was like, no, you can't. You just get the stupid oatmeal with nothing.

Yeah. I can have oatmeal. I just got oatmeal. And it was fine. It was fine, dude. And then you feel, you know, you got the nourishment and all that stuff. And so yeah, like it's, it is, that programming that we got from the commercial,

that we didn't even realize was happening. And that indulgence that we used to be like, ah, I'm eating the food and, you know, we tell it, we wouldn't eat because it tasted good. We ate because it filled something up in us and it was just, it's, it's so hard to break it. What's the grossest thing you've ever done food by? Oh, man.

Well, so, you know, the McDonald's, they do like the, they do these boxes. Yeah. And they'll just give, like, it's like two cheeseburgers, two bananas. But a adult happy meal? No, no, this is like a fan meal. They give family meals, McDonald's? So they'll do, yeah, they do these family meals and they're like 12 or 15 dollars.

It's stupid cheap. Right. But there's so, there's like two big Macs, two cheeseburgers, for French fries, a 10 piece nugget. And I have bought those and eaten it all by myself. Yeah. And that's what I want to go there now. I know. That sounds great. I know. I wouldn't have got the surgery if I knew McDonald's had that. And so like, and it'll be like some gimmick where it's like around here would be like the calves family meal deal. So you know, you

get the thing and then you watch the calves game as a family. And I'm buying this as a single person. And I'm like, I'm not going to eat all this. I just want to, it's a good value. So you're like lying to yourself about. And then you're not even just eating it the way it is. I'm taking it home and I'm adding thousand island to my regular cheeseburgers to make it more like a big Mac and just Just go into town on it. You like It's disgusting, but it's disgusting, but God damn it is better than sex. I mean man I would put food up against sex any day.

I think we have. I've done a couple of times, man. I mean, it's funny now because my sex drive is back. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, so like I'm masturbating so much more now, like as soon as I go on the road, I don't masturbate at home, because I have a small house and I don't want to get caught. And I just don't want to explain that.

What are you doing? And my dad, what are you? I got damn it. I don't want my, you know what I mean? And my porn, my porn preferences are just off the charts. I mean, just off the charts. So I've also gone like deep into porn. And you know how I bring myself back?

Cause sometimes you're getting into a place and you're like, what am I doing? Am I really? I mean, they have this morning before. I got here, yeah. Yeah. I read porn. I'm sorry.

Yeah. What? I read it. Well, there's a website called litterotica.com. And so then it's like your romanticizing yourself. Can you pull that up? Yeah.

What is it? litterotica.com. Okay. So you pull that up? Yeah. What is it? Litteratica.com. Okay, so you go to this site and do you have to choose a genre? Yeah, like there's all these stories. And then you just like, do this the nerdiest shit I've ever had. Yeah, it is. And you just like pick one and you go,

can you read it? I guess we'll go with erotic couplings. Okay. I don't know. This is the Photoshop Challenge 45. But they're long. That's the thing. It's like, I saw it's like a regular porn.

You just got to skip to the good part. No, no, that's kind of a thing that makes it exciting. I like getting pulled into the story. Can we see it? Yeah. Let me see this for a second. You like the story. I like the story. I like the build up because I'm so jaded by pornography that I like to go back to like

the excitement of like wondering if you're gonna get laid. I mean, dude, this is, I mean, I'm scrolling and scrolling. There's no sex yet. Yeah. Oh my God. But I'm so happy that you brought me here, Lou, L-E-W. The movie, yeah. It has been on my to-do list for many years.

And I never found the time, nor the opportunity to actually do it. Well, you took me on a cruise, something I had been dreaming of doing. Where's the sex? It gets in, but that's the thing. It takes a while to get there. This movie had desire, with more hands on top of her panties,

I slid down to the floor, taking them with me and uncovering the most interesting part of her luscious body. Her enticing playground. It was still nicely devoid of pubic hair and already slightly moist. A clear indication I was making all the right moves on her. I could hear it silently sending out a mating call. You could hear a busy. It's so nice. But before I perform the traditional in and out dance, I just think to random one, I don't know if this one would be it. I first wanted to do an oral assessment of her female juices.

I blew on her little wall, wonderland to get them flowing a bit more. We're sent shivers through her body. She grabbed my head and pulled it into the direction of that magical place. What, is this for kids? Where her legs meet, where her legs meet. Again, I took it slow. With a quick kiss on her slick womanhood,

I could feel that was not entirely to her liking as she pulled a bit harder, making my nose touch her little pleasure point. I don't want to keep her and suspense any longer. I gave a good strong lick with the flat of my tongue from the bottom of her snatch. There you go. All the way to the top and back down again. I was rewarded with more of our tasty juices and some growling and grumbling deep in our throat.

Wow. Now, how'd you read those? You should read those. Do, first of all, no such thing as a tasty pussy juice. Yeah, it's a lie that we tell. I don't know. We tell that lie for women. Yeah. Yeah.

Women make us fucking lie about how they're pussy's thing. We make it. No, they made it. It's them. No, but we lie about how much they want to, they lie to us about how much they want us to come. Like they don't, good boy. They don't want, they don't care.

They don't, they don't, don't want, they don't care. They don't, they don't want you to do it anywhere near them. They mean the toilet. Yeah, napkin. Get that away from it. Yeah, they don't want to, they don't want to have to wash it off their face or their tits or get it in their hair like that. They just want it, they just want it out of your body so that they can go.

Yeah, they went out. We're done. The last thing they want you to do is come. Right. They want you to come because it's over. Right. As soon as you come, it's done. Although have you been with a girl and then you're like, I'm not coming tonight, but they're

they keep trying. Oh, they think their pussy is a magic. Yeah. Well, they're like, I'll make you come like now. I've just done four times today. I'm not coming. They think their pussy has magical powers because of their pussy.

And it does it. It's the same pussy as the other pussies. There is, I would give, there are pussies you're made to be with. Yeah, I agree with that. I've had sex with girls, where you're like, I want nothing to do with you emotionally.

I can spot them. What? I can spot them. Like, if a girl you have to see them or through pants. I can spot, like, when I, because some girls stuff starts higher than others. What do you mean the vagina?

Like the vagina part. Yeah, the vagina part. Yeah, why would you talk it like that? Right. So their vagina starts higher or lower. And if they have, it's almost like a recessed vagina where it doesn't even start until like It's all the way down there down in the asshole like near the asshole like wait wait for their back in the legs

Yeah, I'm like that one we're not gonna work. I Know that just because if I'm gonna eat your pussy after like hold you up almost just to get to it right and I My neck doesn't move like that. Right. So I've been with those girls that have, and it's almost like there's like a ridge, and then the, like, little B, let me see. Like, this is where it should be.

Yeah, but it starts all the way down here. Okay, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, those aren't mine. Those aren't the ones for me. You like, you like a up front pussy. I like it up front. I like a higher. You don't like a back seat pussy. Yeah. You like a VIP pussy. Yeah, that's't mine. Those aren't the ones from me. You like, you like, I'll front pussy. I like it up front. I like it higher. You don't like a backseat pussy.

Yeah. You like a VIP pussy. Yeah, it's exactly like that. You want the front row pussy. I want the front row pussy. I want the easy accessible clip in things like that. Cause that's the one thing that I'm, like I know I'm proficient at.

Yeah. It's like if I'm gonna make a girl come, it's gonna be from eating her pussy. It's like, I'm not gonna fuck her brains out. I'm not gonna, like, if she gets that, that's great. But I know what I can bring to the table is knowing how to eat pussy. Right, and doing it alone.

That's a big guy. Yeah. Patrice used to practice that. It's like, I'll eat your pussy. You told every girl, I can eat you pussy. I'm not gonna fuck, I got a mediocre dick and I'm big. You ain't gonna perform well. But I can bring the passion.

I can bring, I'll stick my fingers in your mouth I'll eat you pussy. You can pay attention. You get to a point where you know the pressure that they need, how to tease it, how to build it up. And that's, you know, and they're like, oh, you're so good at this. I'm like, cause I had to be.

Yeah. Cause I had to pay. Cause I can't, cause if we're fucking from behind and I have to put my belly on your ass, yeah. Let's do that. That ruins everything for everyone. I want to do the rest of the show like we're on FM radio.

All right. No more, no more of that. No more of that. Let's see if ruins everything for everyone. I want to do the rest of the show like we're on FM radio. All right. No more. No more of that. No more of that. Let's see if we could do it. All right. Yeah. Like it went like a girl's, um, they were good to just go back to the original thing. Yeah. That, but a girl's, um, love juice. Yeah. I don't even know if we were getting away with that one. Uh, if a girl is, uh, is excited, she's gonna, you know, you can tell.

There's a flow. And if that flow's not there, it's gonna, you're gonna be able to tell. I just wanna say that in general, women don't taste good. We say it's tasty and it's oh my God, but it's not. We're lying so you don't feel bad. It's what we have to do. And it's a lie that we're happy to tell. Because you can't say, ugh.

Right. You can't go God. Like you just opened up sardines and whoa, you can never go, what the, you know, you have to take it. Yeah. You have to get down there and take it. And it's, and we're happy to do it.

We're not, I'm not. I'm happy to do it. If it means that she's gonna be turned on, I'm happy to do it. I just thank God that he invented passion. Yeah. Because without passion, we wouldn't be able to get past it. Yeah, you wouldn't be able to put yourself in the mindset to just be like, all right, I'm going to like a

band-aid flavored thing. That's exactly what it tastes like. A band-aid of a kid's knee. It's terrible. And without passion. Without passion. We're not getting there. Without the, we're, I don't know. Yeah.

You know, it's like you ain't getting there. It's like when you're eating food, when you're so hungry, you're gonna eat the crappy stuff first. Save the cake for the end. Right. You know what I mean? Same thing. It's like you need that passion. You need to the cake for the end. Right. You know what I mean? Same thing.

It's like, you need that passion. You need to kiss in and touch in. And that's why four play is so important. Oh, it's, and it's so like the thing I love about four play is the, I mean, it's the same reason I'll read pornography hot stuff like that when we just read because I like that build up. Like it actually does stuff for me too, because it increases that passion. So if there's for play and I'm excited and I get down there and it's like a real scabby bandaid,

I'm not gonna care because I'm so hyped up for it. Yes, but if you just get down there and it's, I would be like, you're like, no, you know what? No. Dude, I'll eat tripe if I'm hungry enough. Right. I ain't eating tripe, I'm full. Yeah. If I'm full, I ain't eating tripe.

No, not at all. If I'm starving, I'll throw right in my mouth with goat poop right in it. Yep. Well, it's, I mean, it's apocalypse stuff. Like in the zombie apocalypse, we're eating dog food because we got a survive. We're a dog. Yeah, we're eating dog food, we're whatever we can

because we're conditioned to do that. And that's what four play is. Four play is conditioning us to overlook the gross parts to get to the good stuff. Exactly. And it's gross, sex is a gross thing. It is. You're taking stuff that was made for something else.

Well, we made it into a grosser thing because we're like, we can't just be, but we just put the parts together the way they're supposed to go. It's one thing, but once you start moving faces towards, you're not supposed to put things, you're not supposed to put things in your mouth. Right.

You don't even mean, food is supposed to go in your mouth. We use a water, water, that's the thing. Yeah, you're not supposed to put it. Speaking. Yeah, that's what you're, we use, we try to use every ounce of the body. Yeah. Like, cause we're addicts.

Yeah. I'm telling you, man, the garden of Eden, don't do this. Right. Well, and then you look at the way the mouth, the mouth is got the hardest, sharpest parts of our body in it. And we're like, let's put that on your most sensitive part. It doesn't make sense. And we had to learn, we had to create techniques to not injure that person. Right. To be like, I mean, women, do you understand? Like, people think that,

I can say oral sex. Yeah. Oral sex is not easy for women. There's a technique. They can really hurt you. They can really hurt you. They could hurt themselves. Yeah, they can. And then they're just,

there's so much that can go wrong. There's so much that go wrong with a woman doing that. Yeah. I mean, she has to be in the right temperament. I mean, woof. I mean, I give them a lot of credit for doing that. I mean, she has to be in the right temperament. I mean, woof. I mean, I give them a lot of credit for doing that. I mean, oral sex for us. And then, and not even just doing it,

but also a lot of them doing it with some enthusiasm. And like, again, lying to us and it's passion. And that passion take over and being like, I know you're gross. I see, I see what you do. I know how your body works. and without you taking a full shower or anything, I'm just going to stick that in your mouth because even if it's clean, it's still like not. It's not.

It's not. There's no big guy. It's not. It's been indoors. It's been in a sauna for the last couple hours. It crawls inside of us. Oh, it becomes it's like one of those stress balls. Yeah, like that's that's what effect guys junk is like. It's it can be it can be impressive, but most of the time it is tucked away. Yeah, that's the best part about losing weight

is to have my penis back. That's awesome. It's like I forgot I had a good piece Yeah, I had a nice piece. Yeah, you know, I mean it's got a little you know, it was away. It was away on a ship for a while Right, but battling seas. It's bad. I got John Johnress for you know Didn't have enough vitamins for a while Not enough sunlight, but it's back. It's cast away. It's cast. Exactly. He's still, like when he got first on the island, he was kind of chubby and everything. Then he gets off the island and he's beard.

He's beard and like there's this, Sagan Eye Sockas. Yeah, this, this, but like just after two weeks, he started looking like, oh, he looks pretty good. He's so, right. Exactly. He's got him going to missuit. Yeah, but I think worse.

I think I'll ask you this question. I just tweeted. Oh my god, that was wet. That was wet. Oh man, that was terrible. That's not great. Still, I still went just to, because I'm not afraid. Well, it's not your fart.

Yeah. Well, it's, I think, I think you did. I made you throw up. So bad. That was terrible. If people want to know what that is, the O.B. and the Antifa, what was it? There's a car crash comedy contest.

Car crash comedy contest, Bill was in it and he farted into the funnel fart. And I had to smell it. So he farted into a face mask that went to a hose, that went to my face mask directly into my nose. That's crazy. And I almost threw up. Yeah, terrible.

Uh, that contest, I won that contest against a dude named Seaton Smith. I know, I know Seaton Smith. And he was just in town a few weeks ago, opening for Mulaney. And he came on the show and then we were hanging out at the arena. And like, that was, that was like a cool moment for both of us, where we just got to like, yeah, because that was a fun contest and like we've kept in touch a little bit since then, but it was cool to just sit backstage with him and kind of go over what's been

happened with our careers and seeing him on that stage. Those arenas shows are something else. I mean, I've seen you on that same stage when you opened for Dane. And I can't wrap my head around it. I've been in big venues, but it's a money grab. I understand. It's all it is. And it, but like, it's not enjoyable for the fans. But it's all for a comic. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's not your, it's not the bad thing.

It's not as enjoyable. I mean, yeah, it's your rock star. Right. It's all ego. Yeah. You walk out and you're bond jovy. You're the lead singer. When you go, what's up, everyone's Cleveland.

What's happening? Thank you for having me. All right. Band-A-boom bang. You walk around because you gotta let them laugh. Because it's, you know, and none of that was mine, by the way, too. It was all a day. So it's not like I was going out there and people going, you know,

you know, I had to work harder, right? Cause they were like, I want to gain. So I had to go out there and go, fuck you. You want me to. You just don't know it. I'll let you know, right. Which was not enjoyable as much for your ego, but it's all ego. Yeah.

I really believe that those big arena gigs are to make money. Yeah. That's your agent saying, you know, that's a build. That's a here, here, here, here, here, here, we're here. And now you maintain that as long as you can, but that will go away. Right. And well, that's what I've, you know, seeing guys come through here, sign fell and does the theater. Yep. Dave does the theater. Yep. You know, Chris Rock does the theater. Yeah, they're all doing the theater because they do the theater because they could all do that. Yeah, but they're like, we like it here more. Well, because comedy is made for I would say 300 people is prime. Yeah, the best. Yeah, 300 people in a club, 350 people who came to see you in a low ceiling comedy club. There's nothing like that.

There's nothing like that. It's why I named my special kill box is because of, it does nothing like that. And then 2500 people to 5000 people, I would say that 2500 is probably the best theater. But if one of you go to probably 5000 people, it's a little big. It's big. Eddie Murphy's RAW was 5000 people. Yeah. I think that's the limit where it's like, because then people can't hear you. They can't see you. They can't see you. And I think that's the most important part is being able to see, especially

for people that use so much facial expression. Yeah. So, you know, there's these guys, the Sebastian, he's, he's very big and he moves, but you're still missing out on his facial expressions. Yeah. And when you see those facial expressions, it adds so much. And you, if you're watching that in arena, you're just watching on TV. You're all watching a movie together. And that's what it feels like.

And it's kind of a bummer when you really love standup comedy and you want to see, you know, you want to see them in the smaller venues. So that's always, yeah. And if you want to play those venues, you know, I think that, you know, you have to be cleaner. Yeah. You, I mean, listen, you have to be clean or have some other vehicle to get you to that success, right? A TV show, movies or something like that, because I mean, who's doing those?

Sebastian. Sebastian. So the ones that are through here, Bert, Bert, Bert. Yeah, they're edgy, but they're not, you know, they're burrs edgy, but he's not dirty. Right. Bert's a little edgy, but not dirty at all. Yeah, John Mulaney. He's John Mulaney. He's crystal clean, right? Well, he swears a lot, but he doesn't really talk about sex or anything. Yeah, yeah. So I think there's a certain thing you give up if you want to, you know, my style of comedy,

I think, if I wanted to play in front of, appeal to more people, I appeal to the people that like me. Right. But if you want to appeal to everybody, you have, I would have to, I would have to, a word things differently and drop things and not say certain things. Right. You know, is it worth it? Have you thought about kind of switching trajectory at some point? Yeah, I thought about it. Actually, this year watching my last special,

I was like, I think I, I think this, there was a couple of things that happened. And then I was like, wow, that's funny. Like people would always laugh at this one joke at this part. And I was like, that's funny. Yeah. You know, like I have this joke in my act about role play. But then I would go, how did you all of a sudden become dirty?

Because I've always been dirty. I'm like with who? And just the way I said that, how did you all of a sudden become dirty? Because I've always been dirty. I'm like with who? And just the way I said that, there's no swear, there's nothing in, people laugh. I'm like, that's interesting to me. That, you know, just that line and the psychology behind the line that all guys get like, what with who or.

Right, yeah. I don't have to say with who or. I don't have to say, you or I don't have to say, you know, you don't touch my dick ever, you fucking slap bag, which guys would still people would still laugh at. Right. But, you know, stuff like that, I don't know. I would, I like, there's a thing in that too,

where I'm at the point now where I have to come up with a new hour, I have to do new stuff. And the first thing out of the gate is fucking in my tiny home. That's my, you know, those are the things that fuck with me in life. Sex has always been a hard thing for me. You know, food, I mean, you can't get away from it. But you can do it and you can do it if you kind of reprogram how you're going to say it, you can talk about it If you kind of reprogram how you're going to say it,

you can talk about it without getting as graphic. And that's kind of a fun thing to do. I did a whole clean album just because I was like, let's see if I can do it. And it's the first time my parents came out and saw me to see me headline. Because they don't want to see a lot of the stuff I'm talking about, but I was like,

I'm gonna do one that they can come and watch and they enjoyed it. All my, I have a big family, they would probably be more happy. Like all these people could bring their friends. Like people don't come see me because I'm so, I swear, I see all this fucked up shit. And you never know what I'm gonna say,

but that's kind of my thing. My lore of coming to see my show. It's never gonna be the same, even though it's the same jokes. I'm fucking them up. I'm going in, I'm dipping in the crowd and coming back to the joke. Yeah.

But yeah, it interests me now. It does. I, it to, um, well, because when you, and you take bits and just with your physicality and your, your ability to deliver jokes, you could do a clean comedy set. You could do it. Yeah. Just because like, just like when you're talking about, like a smell, it doesn't have could do a clean comedy set. You could do it just because,

like just like when you're talking about a smell, it doesn't have to be a bad pussy smell. You could just be like, I was cleaning the maxes, jujitsu bag out in that hole, like your eggs are like, they get laughs. Yeah, but I could talk about, you know, the smell. Yeah. I could talk about sex smells. Yeah.

You know, you can talk about it. I could say it smells like my son's jiu-jitsu bag. Right. Yeah. And there you go. That's clean. Yeah. And then people could relate to that.

Yeah. And when a clean to me isn't, you know, uh, uh, Jerry Seinfeld clean. Right. That's boring. Right. Oh, yeah. That's fucking boring.

Yeah, you hear that, Jerry. I have, I fucking boring. Yeah, you hear that cherry. I mean, I got whatever I don't care. He's got a million dollars does he know I don't fuck him out of him. I don't care if he's a fan day to fuck him. You know what I mean? I really don't it's I know, I know, but um, you know, I don't I can watch five minutes of that shit. Did you ever notice I don't care about that shit? Right. I care about you. I care about you would affect you. Yeah. I care about what made you what you ever notice, I don't care about that shit. I care about what affects you. I care about what you hate. You know, like that tiny house joke,

I literally drooled on my wife's back. And it made me sad. It felt so bad. And she was like, did you finish? It's like, no, I have, I have spent on you. Like I hit my head and she's laughing. Those moments. Yeah, to be able to tell people those moments that I'm not supposed those are the moments I'm not supposed to tell you right those are my private moments. Yeah, that me and my wife have that I'm not supposed to tell you Yeah, I am the guy who says that right the intimacy and the vulnerability is what gets me

Being vulnerable on stage in front of a roomful of people that I don't know and may never see again, and may not like what I say is what gets me. That's the charge, that's the passion. I'm going on stage, I'm taking what, and they go, is that real? 100%. Yeah. You know what I'm working on a chunk right now

about, I was a bed wetter to us 14 and tapping into that and what's hard about talking about that is I don't want them to feel sorry for me. Right. I want them to feel That I'm okay with it now and so we can we can laugh up the sad thing that really was traumatic and sucked as much as it did I'm over it so you can be over it, but let's laugh about it because no sleepovers. Yeah. But I still did them. And yeah, that's kind of one of the things like when kids would find out they would, you know, be mean because kids are mean. Yeah. Yeah. A chubby kid pissed the bed. Yeah. A pissed on my bunk bed. That's out of it. But I have to have wore diapers.

You did not. I did. So what age? Till I was 14. I was such a small kid. Can I say something to you? I got sober at 15. I, I, I, I, I lily.

I got. I got so far apart. I'm so far apart. I'm so far apart. But the thing is we still would have been friends. Well, we absolutely would have been friends because I would have been nice to me because I would have stole money to give you dude by booze. Sure. And I would have got you as many free diapers that you want.

Yeah. I would have broken and stole diapers for you. Yeah. That's funny. I'll tell you what I did. And I've said this before. And I did this to the first day I went to jail. The day I went to juvenile jail is when I stopped. That's what I cured you by the way. Yeah.

If you had gone to juvenile jail, you would have stopped peeing the back. Yeah, probably wouldn't have slept. I used to suck my fingers and pick your nose. And I would take the bookers and I would roll them on my upper lip like this, into a perfect sphere. And I would sit there and watch cartoons and do that. Till I was 13. Wow.

I think I was 13. Maybe 12. And yeah, I remember the, I know. That just making me think of all the bookers and my nose right now and how I kind of want to pick them. And I will later. I don't understand how I didn't suck my thumb.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And I just, I did this. I, my mother let me do it, which is fucked. Yeah. And I was 13. I was using drugs. I was getting in trouble.

I was getting in crime. And I got arrested. I went to jail at the Charlestown Y, one of the worst juvenile lockups in Boston. And I had a sleep in a room full of bunk beds with other kids around maybe 10 other kids. And I was like, if I get caught sucking my fingers and rolling boogers, I'm gonna get killed.

Yeah. You know, so I never did it. I just didn't, my brain, this is how powerful your brain is. From fear, I never did it again. So last time I ever did it, was that night? And that's what people are trying to use to teach, like that's how we were raised as kids. We're like, if they're so scared, they will stop doing it,

but that's not, they don't understand that's not the healthiest way to get a kid to stop doing something. But it does, it's got results for a long time. It's got results. Fear gets results. Yeah, I didn't quit drinking using drugs or getting arrested. Yeah, but I did quit picking my nose and rolling boogers.

Yeah, yeah, which and I've had the fear of max doing it. Like, is it hereditary? Yeah, I mean, is it instinctually in my people? Right. You know, we're some weirdos from fucking Sicily. They used to eat boogers. They could isolate that gene. Yeah, right.

They're like, oh, he's got the gene. You get the 23 in me test and he's like, he's the thumb sucking booger roller. He's got the easy Italian fucking booger eater. You know, yeah, I was disgusting. Very disgusting. So I feel for you. Do you still pick your nose and eat it though?

No, not anymore. No, I'm not into boogers. No, okay. I'm not into him, but I still do it sometimes. You eat a pick your nose and eat it though? No, not anymore. No, I'm not into burgers. Okay, I'm not into them, but I still do it some time. You eat a booger. Yeah, we talked about it on the radio the other day. Like Mary and I are, we pick our nose and I'm more of a flicker than an eater, but sometimes it's just the only way to go. Dude, I'm a flicker.

I'll pick my nose and flick it. There's nothing better than being in a quiet room. Picking your nose, flicking, and then waiting for the click. Yeah. To where it ever hits. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. I love that. But I know, I you eat it. I've, yeah, I mean, it's usually more of an in the mouth than spit. I'll do that if it's okay. Yeah. Hey, out the window where you're a taster. You're not a eater. I mean, they get eaten too. I'm not going to, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I check every boxes.

Cause it just goes down. I don't know, man, it's, it's something that I haven't, you're taking it out of your body and putting it back in your body. Yeah, just a different part. It's a transfer. It's disgusting. I understand that.

Have you ever seen one part that I don't understand? It's disgusting the whole way through. But what have you ever tasted one that was good? What the God taste good? What? Every single one of them. It's because of the passion. The passion's one makes the taste good. Because I'm so worked up trying to get out of my nose that once I get in my mouth I'm like, yeah, this is these good things better than pussy Fuck me. All right, make sure listen guys subscribe like and comment go down there and I know the sponsors, you know, though

We just listen to it and then go support the sponsors because by doing that you're getting a deal and they're supporting the show Keep it up. We're like an hour now? We're about an hour 20 in. Hour 20, great, listen man. I got a special coming out too, can I plug that? Yeah, we're gonna plug that right now. All right, I'm doing, it's coming out November 22nd on my YouTube channel. It's called Pure BS.

Tell them, don't tell me. It's called Pure BS and it's available on YouTube for free. So you can just watch it and let me know what you think. Like, subscribe, share, comment, even like, you know, if you hate it, still comment. We just want that engagement. Yeah, I do. I had the camera on me the whole time.

You did, it was on you, do it again. Do it again. Okay, you had it on me now. My specials called PureBs. Yeah, my specials called PureBS. It's available on YouTube on November 22nd. So watch it, like, subscribe, comment, even if you hate it, just,

and read it. You did it again. They heard that part. I don't care. I listen, one of the funniest dudes I know, and you got to go check it out. Bill Squire, check it out, it's for free, which is new.

I guess everybody's doing mine's not for free. I bought yours though. You did. You should buy mine too. LouisCK.com, killbox, it's available up there. But that, here's the difference. I don't even like, they're called specials. Right.

Mine cost a thousand dollars. Like, I, it looks. That's a special price. It's a very special price. Well, how did you film it? The funny stuff, okay, I'll go falls. Okay. In my body. We set up some cameras. I don't got the budget to spend. Yeah. Yeah. Not if I'm going to put it up for free. I'm going to, you know, but it looks good. And it sounds good. He just need to be funny. Yeah. And it's funny. And people find it. Yeah.

And that's what people want now. They just want to find funny and laugh. So, fuck it. Check it out. Make sure you subscribe, like and comment here on the YouTube page and Patreon. People got bless you. I love you. All the ladybugs. If you're not a Patreon subscriber, I know it's a lot to do. There's a lot of shit that I gotta get you, especially I gotta do. But that's how you support. We know we're not, we can't get on mainstream anymore. It doesn't happen as it used to. So what we can do is go right to you directly. Cut out the middle man, no agents, no managers, no networks. There's nobody saying, oh, you're too dirty.

You get me the way you want me, right? And that's how you do it. You support me through those things. Also, comicwearables.com, you can go there and check it out. And I got a passcode, ladybugs. If you type that in, you get 20% off for all my YKWD gear.

This has been a, dude, I'm so glad we did this. Oh, me too, man. Last time I was on was 10 years ago, and it was like me and a bunch of other comics so I didn't get to say a lot. So nice to have a one-on-one. Yeah, dude, you got to check them out. Bill Squire, man.

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