Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Brad Williams | Bigger

Episode Date: January 21, 2024

This week Bobby is joined by Brad Williams. They talk about hanging out at Just For Laughs, Brad's wife and kid, and Brad's new slur for tall people. Watch Brad's new special https://veeps.com/bradwilliams/286d1097-41fd-44a3-ba5a-f209bdb773e3 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Please play responsible Let you kid let you kid fall let your kid do some dangerous shit Let him climb a roof let him hop a fence let him get on a bike Yeah, well, that's the thing about why it's great that I have a dwarf kid because I know the limits Yeah, like I like cuz there's yeah, that's the limits Guys if you don't laugh, I'm just being fucking mean No, she climbs the stairs. She has she has a spelunker Comics bit take yes

That this is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. I'm not going to lie. I got three autistic kids there, and none of them got me a napkin. They're just watching somebody get up. That's so cool. You have a whole special needs test. I've been there fucking.

That's very, very nice. Try getting eye contact. But man, if you need to know how many pencils are in a jar, they are on that shit. They know they can count. Um, yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now! We're back, you know what dude, live. Welcome everybody to the show.

YKW. I started the social media podcast. The facts. YKW dude podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. We're it all started before them all. YKW.

YKWD podcast YKWD's back again Home school Back in the day Where it all started Before them all YKWD's YKWD's podcast is so fun and crazy And has no rules God help you ruining this We're the bomb, damn it man I'm sorry It's a comedy podcast

This isn't NPR That's the podcast done Is there any better show? This is the original Original Is there any better show? This is the original. And we're back. It's Robert Kelly's, you know what dude? Coming from you live. Coming to you live, not from you live, to you live.

I've done around nine hours of fucking broadcasting today And here I am over the comedy seller at the comedy cellar studios Formally known as the laugh button studios formally known as the riot cast studios and that's all dead Because that's where podcasting is going but not this. This show is going about to rise up like a Phoenix from the ashes of my own shit. And you're gonna help me do it. By hitting that subscribe button, subscribe. Just do it.

Just subscribe, subscribe. It costs nothing, it's free. Helps the show out. Like the show. Comment. Get in there, mix it up. I'd appreciate that very much and go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly if you wanna become a member

of the Patreon and support the show and help out that way. Love all you ladybugs that are there right now. So you guys are watching live and what do you get with the Patreon? You get to watch it live when we do it. Right now they're live in the chat talking shit. You get the show before anybody else. Download video everything to you you get an extra show

every week patreon.com slash robbitt kelly go to comic wearables.com for all your merch we got all kinds of merch and you know what use code word ladybug because you get 20% off everything now all that bullshit's out of the way I know dude what the fuck mean enough with the sales pitch suck my Can't say it cuz it's the first ten minutes of YouTube and they'll boot me and my Dean monetize me We got a great. I think I spit on the microphone. We have a great guest today. I'm very excited We've known each other for a long time and we became friends, I really think we became friend friends in Montreal. He's one of my son's favorite people and comic.

And just an all around sweet, hilarious, beautiful human being. Give it up everybody for. We got Brad Williams. Yes. Fucking Max. Was I supposed to say my name? No, he's supposed to say it. Oh, okay.

But he's always a fucking second awful forgets. Ah, well, I'm happy that I'm glad your son's doing well. I, I, we, I bonded with your son in Montreal too. He was backstage all the time. And just a good dude. And uh... You're just a nice guy to him. Well, I mean, he was nice to me.

He didn't do like the typical... I'm so sorry. What's up? What are you stopping? Here, I got this for you. Here you go. What? Oh, is this a doggy bed? No, just, you want to sit on it, just get a little height. No, look at this. I'm the same height as you. Oh, okay.

Dwarfism. You want to sit on it? No, I don't want to sit on it. All right. I got an average size torso. What are you going to say? I apologize. Go ahead.

What are you going to say? What are you going to say? I was just going to say it's nice to know that your son's a fan. So in 11 years when you can start going to comedy clubs, I'll still have a career. He's fucking loves you, dude. What is a coffee, man? Did you want a coffee? No. Did you get a coffee? I don't think I did. We all get everybody

gets a fucking drink. I want my coffee. Um, please. Okay. Thank you very much. Ah, we're doing bits. Thanks very much. I'll just. Celu, huh? Thank a little Ted last. Yeah. Yeah. 10. Yeah. Thanks for getting me the keg. This is not, don't drink that. I don't know what it is. I just trusted you like it wasn't going to be fucking. We're doing bits. It wasn't going to be paint. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah great. It's actually there's a little people.com. How do you know about this? Is this like the Stanley Cup for dwarves? Are we riding for this cup? Are we knocking over soccer moms

and target to get these off the bottom shelves? Buddy, you know, it's crazy is since I've my kid fell in love with you. Yeah. And I remember looking over, you know, because I brought my kid to I always would bring him to Montreal and people always nice, comics always nice, but you do, you came over and just talk to him. You would just say, Hey, what's up, Max? And you would have, you wouldn't just go, Hi, Max. Comics are afraid of kids. They don't want to deal with the responsibility.

It fucking, you know, a lot of comics, oh my God, I don't have one. I'm never going to have one. I should have one. Should have, get it away from me. You would have walked up and said, what's up man, how you doing? And just talk to him, and my kid's very social. So he just talked to you, and every night,

like can I go see Brad, where's Brad? Where is he? He would always wanna hang out with me. Well, he didn't do the kid thing that a lot of kids do to me, where they're just like, so like are you a man or what? Cause like, so my daughter, she's four, she started going to preschool and like when I drop her off,

oh my God. Really? It's a nightmare for me. What do they do? It's a fucking gamut. Just so, sorry, can I curse cause the first 10 minutes. Fuck yeah. Okay, okay.

Just don't say the C word. God. Please don't say the N word. Oh, oh no, it's after eight. I don't say it after eight. Okay, after eight, okay. I don't it's after eight. I don't say it after okay after eight. Oh, yeah I have more I have the same room. All right, good But yeah, like I I drop my daughter off at preschool and it's just like a murderer's row That's like more pressure than sitting and having a conversation at the comics table downstairs

It's just like kids just going are you an adult? Yeah, are you a man? It's just like kids just going, are you an adult? Yeah. Are you a man? What class are you in? And I'm like, god damn. They are vicious. But does it, as a comic, it shouldn't, it can't bother you anymore, right?

It doesn't, but it's just like I have to avoid every instinct that I have, which is to come back at the kid. Like, OK, the kid's born. I'm bigger than you, you little fucking clear. Yeah, exactly yeah I can't lesbian you have no dad you were born in a fucking tube you're born in a loveless marriage have fun have fun with your day it's never gonna work out when this country splits you'll be on the wrong side yeah dude like that that's my

instinct but but I can't do it I I don't want to, I don't want to have that talk with the teachers. I get so nervous when, like when, when I just did the first ever like parent teacher conference, she's four. I'm going to just see the teachers and talk about the lesson plans and my God, they're through. and I'm more than I'm so nervous talking to her teachers why because I'm just trying to suppress every comedic instinct that I have and just like I I sat down and we did a we did a meeting in one of the preschool rooms yeah and like the chairs are for preschool kids and I sit in the shit it's perfect it fits me perfect perfectly and I go, oh you got my chair, thank you.

And they just stone face looked at me and I'm like, oh come on guys, that was a light ice breaker. That was pretty good. Makes a monotony. And then of course I tried to follow it up like, oh this is great, my legs don't dangle. Nothing, nothing. But now it's like, so I have that comedic instinct of like,

I have to win them over. So I wanna keep going. And then my wife is like squeezing my wrists, like no, stop, just stop, be a dad. Don't be a comedian right now. And your wife is not a little person. Correct. So I know I'm a good at this job, brother. I'm funny as fuck.

You're a good looking guy. I'm a good looking guy. I got a nice tall Chinese wife, it's great. Yeah, and. Man, I stuttered when I said Chinese so it sound like I was doing an accent like Chinese like oh god you're being racist sorry we edit that so it sounds like he's being I have a Japanese let me ask you question I'm racist you learn the difference let had a, but your child is... A little person.

She's a little person too. Yep. Now, when, okay, so, and you don't have to, you can tell me to go fuck myself. No, no, no, this is good. But I remember when we were having my kid, you know, I said to my wife, if it has anything wrong with it, like a hairlip, kill it. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We will throw it out.

See the movie Spartan 300? Toss it over hill. Vacuum. But it is like, look it, when you have a child, it's like, whatever, you have to, there's that moment where you find out, okay, if it has any defects or anything and you have to make a decision. You have to make a decision.

And not that dwarfism is a defect, but you know the life she's gonna have to make a decision. You have to make a decision. And not that dwarfism is a defect, but you know the life she's gonna have to go through. You know the stuff she's gonna have to deal with. And was there a point, for us, it was like, hey man, whatever the fuck happens, mentally retarded, mentally handicapped, whatever, a defect, we're in. We're in, doesn't matter.

Were you, was there a moment where you, do you wanna, do you care? Do you care at all? Or are you like, I want her to be like her mom? Okay, so this, we're getting, we had some fun jokes. This will get kind of serious for a second. Okay. So there was a time when we were thinking about having kids

which I was really struggling with like, well, what if she's a little person? Yeah. Because I know that any complication, struggles, problems, surgeries, whatever that she would have to go through because of dwarfism, it's not like I can look at my wife and be like, look what you did. Like I can't do that.

You should do that. You should still do that. You did this. You did this. Like that's do that. You should do that. You should still do that. You did this. You did this, like that's me, that's coming from me. So I struggled and then when we found out that she was a little person, that was confirming to me like, oh God,

like one day she's gonna have something happen and she's gonna look at me and be like, you fucking did this to me and it's gonna wreck me. But then my wife pulled me out of it and I got pretty depressed for a while because of this. And it was like, because we both were like, yes, we have to have the kid. Like I'm proof that you could be a little person

and have a good life and successful and fine. So we knew that we would have the child of course, but then it was just that depression and my wife sucked me out of it. But then she... Hey, I told you the first 10 minutes dude. Now we're demonetized. Now we're demonetized. What the fuck? No, my wife pulled me out of it because she told me, she goes, listen. I love making you laugh.

Now all's I'm thinking about is your wife sucking you out of something. And you hold it on to curtains. You're one of my favorite people to make laugh. But she pulled me out of it because she told me, she goes, yeah, our daughter's gonna be a little person. But she goes, think about all the little people that have ever been born and all the little people

that will ever will be born. Out of all those dwarves that have always existed and will always exist, she goes, think about all the little people that have ever been born and all the little people that will ever will be born. Out of all those dwarves that have always existed and will always exist, she goes, how lucky is our kid that she's got you? Yeah. Like that she's got you that with your knowledge and your experience and your life lessons that you can guide her through this.

She goes, like, if I had a little person with an average size dude, she goes, I wouldn't know what the fuck to do. I wouldn't know what she'd be capable of or how much to push her, baby her, whatever. And she goes, but now I got you and you have this knowledge. And that pulled me out where I was like, oh, that's actually really good because I can guide her in a way that,

like my parents were average size, are average size. And... Oh, wait a minute. Your parents are all average size. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So average size is what. Yeah. Yeah. So average, average size is what I am. Yeah. Now I'm trying to come up with a slur for tall people. I really am because like you guys can call me midget and I'm supposed to get upset.

And I'm trying to come up with a slur. How about sky people? Sky people. I shadow or shadow makers. I called you Reachers for a time. I like Reachers. Reachers and then... I like Shadowmakers is good. Shadowmakers is good.

A Facebook fan came up with one where I'm like, holy shit, this is so damn funny. I have to steal this from this Facebook fan. He goes, oh, you should call tall people Biggers. That was a great one. And I'm just thinking myself like, okay, I will, but I'm going to be very careful when I say it. I'm going to go real slow. Call me a bigger.

Bigger, please. Bigger, please. Bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, with an A. So, so, so we're friendly. Wow, that's a good one, dude. Biggers. So shout out to that good one, dude. Biggers. So shout out to that Facebook fan. That's fucking great.

Oh my god, you should get that shirt. Oh. Bigger, bigger please. Yeah, just this bigger. Bigger please. Yes. What you talking about, Bigger? Yo, you my bigger.

Yeah. See, comics get it. My non-comedian friends are horrified when I tell them that. Of course. They're horrified. They're like, you can't say that. I'm like, have you ever said the word bigger in your life? You go, yeah, of course.

I go, then what's the deal? Yeah, because you live in LA. Yeah. And you have regular LA friends. Regular LA friends. Yeah, and that's a hard one. Everything's all okay. Make sure.

Did that. California people lost their fucking minds. Well, we have. It's like so that parent teacher conference or whatever that I talked about. Like they gave me a write up that was like, this is like a page long of just how she goes down the slide

and what they do and I'm just like, you gotta be, shit, like, we remember where, like there was no parent teacher, the parent teacher conference was if the kid fucked up, if we fucked up. Parent teacher conference? I didn't have a fucking parent. Buddy, I-

Sensitive, sorry, forgot. I went to a literally games. I remember we won the West Mefford beat hillside for the first time in 10 years. I made the game winning catch from left field to split in to make it. Got pig piled on, cried cause I have, I don't like being, I hate to pig pile. I think the pig pile should be banned from everything.

I hate it when they win the World Series and a bunch of, I fucking hate it. Greatest moment of your life. Now like eight people and you're a kid, like eight people win 112 pounds, 120 pounds are all gonna jump on you. It's not gonna feel great. I was crying holding a root beer.

I was crying holding a root beer, it's delightful. And nobody there. No, got one parent. My mom crying holding a root beer. It's delightful. And nobody there. No, not one parent. My mom had to work. God bless her soul lover. And you know, we never had parent-teacher conference. Yeah.

So it's, it's like, and now, like, I don't know how you are with Max, but it's like, do you ever look back and like think of all the stuff that happened to you as a kid and you considered it normal? You considered it like, yeah, that's just how life is. And now you're an adult, you have the kid and I'm like, I can't, like I have to be involved. I want to go to all her things and do the stuff. No, you should be. No, I think that, I think you should be. I think you should be involved as much as you can be involved in 100%. You should be at these things and be there for them

and I'll stay home at night. Like this weekend, I was home Sunday night and Monday. And I stayed home. I was like, fuck, I'm gonna stay home. I'm gonna hang out with my kid. I'm gonna hang out with your kid. My instinct was to go out, go fuck and hang out, smoke a cigarette.

I'll stay with my kid, whatever. And then, but I do think that I let him do shit. I don't, like I'll let him, I think, you know, I've said this before, I've let him climb up on the roof. I let him, I let him, like this morning, it was snowing out. And he has a little, he has a snowblower. I have a snowblower, little lucky things we got

from greenworks Shout out sponsorship. I'm an influencer Bobby K. Give me some free stuff But I woke up this morning. It was awesome. I fucking love it Yeah, because we both loaded up with our shit Yeah got our stuff on and he went and did that I go go, you know go I'll do our my our thing and then he went and did the, I go go, you know, go out, do our thing. And then he went and did the neighbors, this, this old couple next door. Yeah, he went and did theirs. Then he went across the street and did the lady over there. And then he went over to the other old lady that, and he did all we, you know, I did it with him. But you know what I mean? He didn't ask for money. One lady gave him cash, give him 50

bucks, 50 bucks. I know, I guess when I was a- 50 bucks. When it snowed, he did it for her before. So this is the second time, she didn't pay him that time. Oh, okay. And I was just like, I love that my kid, he's got the snowblower, the big one. I had the little one and he's just fucking rockin'

helping neighbors out. It's awesome. Like I think that, I'm not sitting there going, you can't use a snowblower. You're gonna, fuck it, whatever dude. Let your kid fall, let your kid do some dangerous shit. Let him climb a roof, let him hop a fence, let him get on a bike.

Yeah, well that's the thing about why it's great that I have a dwarf kid, cause I know the limits. Yeah. Like, cause- Stairs. Yeah, that's the limits. Guys, if you don't laugh, I'm just being fucking mean No, she climbs the stairs. She has she has a spelunker

Comics bit take yes That this is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. I'm not I'm not gonna lie I got three autistics kids there and then none of them got accomplishments of my life. I'm not gonna lie. I got three autistic kids there, and none of them got me a napkin. They're just watching. Somebody get up. That's so cool, you have a whole special needs test. I've been there, fucking.

It's very nice. Try getting eye contact. But man, if you need to know how many pencils are in a jar, they are on that shit. They know they can count. Literally a big honor making you do a spit take. This is right up there with getting a bump mic from a hell. It's up there, man. Oh, you're from there, man.

Well, dude, I think it's great because you were so cool, my kid, and all of a sudden I look and you got a kid and you got a chick and you're married and you're living a life, man. Living a life in a small little town. Outside of LA? Yeah. Yeah. Just in Southern California, but outside of LA, it's a nice little suburb.

There's sidewalks. It's nice. We walk the kid to school every day and then we take the dog to the dog park every day. It's a good life. I get to see dogs running around and now I'm not scared of big dogs anymore. For a while I was scared of big dogs. Why? Look at me. Oh, the big dogs.

Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Because they could because they probably look at me and think, wonder if that squeaks. So I was scared. But then it but then I got a pit bull and now you got a body, a dog bodyguard.

Yeah, I got a pit bull. So now I go to the dog park with him. And if the husky comes over and starts Sniffing me my fucking pit bulls like no Can you handle a bit? I mean I'm not saying this to be mean. Yeah, can you I mean listen? He doesn't realize that I can't handle him. Okay. He's a giant bicep Okay, like if he wanted to he could drag me drag you wherever the hell you wanted to not for nothing One of the funniest things I would ever see in my life.

If I saw you being dragged down the street by a fucking huge dog. Oh, I'll tell you, there was a- So it happened, a version of this happened. So this was during the pandemic. And of course, it's California's, there's nobody out on the streets, thank God. But, you know, all we, like the dog walks

are like the best part of my day, because I could take him, go outside,, you know, all we, like, the dog walks are like the best part of my day, because I could take him, go outside, and you know, be the whole part of it. And one time, I played hockey growing up, but I played roller hockey, because California is not a lot of ice. So I was like, you know what, I'm gonna take the dog on a walk

with my roller plate sawed. Are you mentally ill? See, you see where this is going. I don't see where it was going. I'm like, yeah, I played hockey. I'm good, I could stop. I'm doing the thing. I got on the roller blades.

I get with the pit bull. The pit bull sees the squirrel. I'm in the identity rod now. Really? I'm dog mushing. Oh my gosh. He's like, ahhh! I'm just like, I'm trying to do all the stops.

It's not fucking working. Pizza, pizza, pizza. Yeah. French fry, pizza, French fry. Like, it's not working. I'm hungry now. He dragged me all up and down the neighborhood. Thank God no one was there.

If they had their phones on, I definitely would have gone by. One of the funniest things, I used to weigh tables. It was me and Gary Goldman weighted tables at this Italian restaurant. La Familia, Giorgio. Shout out La Familia. Oh man. You and Gary Goldman weighted tables at this Italian restaurant. La Familia, Giorgio. Shout out La Familia. Oh man. You and Gary Goldman together? Yeah.

Well, he needed a job because he quit his accounting job, his golden handcuff to do stand-up. And he came to me and he was like, I need a job. I go, you know, and I knew the guy who owned the Italian restaurant or part of it. He was like, I got him a job. Bring him down. Yeah. And you know, one of those guys, and greatest guy ever. And I told him, so me and Gary at Wade's Table

is in Brookline at this place. And lunch was always busy, and there was this blind lady with her fucking dog, her blind dog. The dog was blind too? No, the blind person dog. You know what I mean? It's like, a C&I dog. Jesus, that's not how that's supposed to work. It's supposed to help. The dog was blind to know the blind person dog

Just two idiots walking into a fucking pole all day All yours out roof Shit their pants So I'm seeing a dog so her this other, she was just a twat. She was a blind twat. And by the way, you're allowed to call disabled people twats. Yeah. If they're being twats.

Yes. I know plenty of disabled people that are wonderful, amazing, fantastic human beings and some are fucking twats. Twats, yes. It's at, it's at ten minutes, we're fine. Um, yeah, fucking, no I'm kidding. Watts. Yes. It's out. Yes. 10 minutes. We're fine. Yeah. Fucking no. She was sucked. And we'd see her coming. She's got those big long picture windows in the front. And we could see her in a dumb dog would come first. Oh God. And we'd

fight. Not me. Not me. And she come in and the the manager was Bobby and he had he lost his arm because he was in a chase with the cops. He robbed a back or something back of the days where he lost his arm because he was in a chase with the cops. I think he robbed a bag or something back in the day so he lost his arm. A blind lady in a one-armed man. And he would come in here. He sounds like a bar joke. He would have the menus under his armpit. And he'd be like, fuck you.

Don't fuck around. One of you cucksuckers is getting there. We hated. Me, Aldo, Benny and Gary. This was the funniest restaurant ever. It was great. You, Al and Gary Goldman. Oh, it was the fucking great. Aldo, Benny and Gary. This was the funniest restaurant ever. It was great. You, Al and Gary Goldman. Oh, it was the fucking great.

Aldo, Benny's great. Me and Al used to take our cocks out under our aprons during lunch and we'd go, Albie, and pick it up and try to see who would get caught. But we'd get fired. We'd be murdered for that now. So I remember. So we, we hated it. We just hated it. So I remember one day, we saw the dog and we're like, fuck, here she comes lunch, this grumpy,

fucking twatty, blind lady and a dog and a dog would shit in fuck her. And we saw the dog and then the dog saw something and they're not supposed to do this. But it just fucking dragged her. We just saw her fucking hand. She's holding onto the fucking dog and the dog's dragging her by all the windows.

And the further restaurant, buddy, I fucking hit the floor. And she came, I felt bad when she came in cause she was just all road rash. She's like, hola. She had her dumb fucking gray eyes. Hello. That and then she's, she's disheveled. She can't fix herself.

She can't see. She was like, could somebody call the ambulance? So I mean, do we all, we were like, she can hear us, you fucking idiot. The thing about being a comedian and being in like normal life, civilian life, is it's so hard to shut off. I'm thinking of jokes and shit all the time. I'm not, dude, I shut it down.

Yeah? Dude, I come home, I told you this morning, I woke up, I'm like, let's go out and be men. Let's get those snowblowers going, get our boots on, shovel, and let's go be men. I love doing, I love being a dad. Oh yeah, that stuff's great. I like that shit.

And when I go, I shut it down, dude. I don't fucking. See now, like, so this, at the school, one of the other dads knows who I go, I shut it down, dude. I don't fucking... See now, like, so this, at the school, one of the other dads knows who I am, and he's now is always like trying to... Getcha. Bait me into bits. No, really?

And like, I'm just like, dude, no, I'm just dropping off my kid. I'm saying hi to the teacher, you know? It's fine. I don't want to like go into shtick. My wife handles the school shit. I go to school. I'll do all the stuff, but hanging out.

Nope. No, I'm not into it. I don't want to deal with that shtick. But I mean, it's great to me that you have this... You are from this single dude. Yeah. And all of a sudden you get married. You have this kid.

And she's a little person. And the wife is a bigger. Still funny. But she's Chinese, so how much bigger could she be? Five foot seven, which is huge for a Chinese. She's a bigger, bigger. She's the bigger, bigger. Yeah. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger.

She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. She's the biggest, bigger. But I mean, okay. And please, I'm fucking naive, bro. I need to ask you a question.

You have good intention. That's all I care about. If the intent is good, I don't care. It's fine. I want to know, okay, are you nervous when you meet a beautiful Asian girl, comes up to you at a show. Are you nervous about that? Did you always think you were going to be with a little person? Yeah. I always thought.

What did you always thought you were going to be with? I always thought I was going to be with a little person just because, like, so my mom would tell me like you have to be, and this a tall woman, and my mom would tell me like, no, you have to be with a dwarf woman. She's beautiful. Your wife is beautiful. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well Yeah, that one's not my wife Top right. That's not my wife Why would you it's a head? It's a headshot of like an actress who's got the same why would you bring up? That's not her now. She better be good-looking. I

Was bringing up that she's a taekwondo and that's okay. But you brought up a fucking beautiful Asian woman. And I'm like, she's beautiful and he's like, that's not her. Now you have to show me her. Look at that. What if she sucks down better, you know, down left. There's like the one with the little person. Yes, that one's her. Oh my God, she's beautiful. Thank God. Thank God. Thank Christ. Thank God she's beautiful. She didn't come out with some one eye. You're like, Oh God. She's like, huh? I'm a bigger. I'm a bigger. Taekwondo instructor got kicked too many times in the head. Is she a Taekwondo? Yeah, she

was. My great stuff. Taekwondo. Why can't I say she a Taekwondo? Yeah, she was. Taekwondo. My great-grandson, Taekwondo. Why can't I say that? Taekwondo instructor. Well, I'm glad you struck on that word and not bigger. What? We're getting kicked off. They're gonna, someone's gonna figure this game out. That was not a bigger.

I mean, what the fuck are we doing? So. But yeah, she was a Taekwondo instructor for a while. And did you meet her, where did you meet her? Show? San Francisco. I had to move to San Francisco. I was burnt out from the road.

This was like eight, nine years ago. And then someone offered me a morning radio job in San Francisco. So I was like, yes, okay, good. I could not hop on a plane every week. I'd be, you know, sleeping in my bed every night. Great. So I had to move to San Francisco, which, um, so I'm doing this radio show and I didn't know anyone in San Francisco.

So to make friends in San Francisco, we played a game on the radio show called Tinder or Grindr, where every day I'd flip a coin based on it landed on. I had to go on either a Tinder date or a Grindr date. I'm I'd flip a coin based on when it landed on, I had to go on either a Tinder date or Grindr date. I'm gonna stop you right here. Yeah. Grindr is...

Gay Tinder. Yeah, you know that, right? Yeah. Oh, okay, go ahead. Dude, Bobby, I want you to call a go-getter. Are you buying? No. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. But that's the point of the game. and I and I actually did go on one one one one grinder date I went on one grinder date. You did. Yeah. You did you fool around.

I felt obligated to. You did. How was it? I didn't but I felt obligated because he treated me real nice. Now I told him hey I'm not gay this is a radio bit. Yeah. I didn't but I felt obligated because he treated me real nice now. I told him hey, I'm not gay There's a radio bit. Yeah, it's a very large Redheaded man and his name on the grinder app. I'll never forget this was Oh Oh, Billy Dick suck lips. Oh fucking oh

Kids So alright I and I told him it's all for a bit. He goes let's go out and have a good time He said he wanted me friends I go okay, so we went out and he was very nice. It was great And like I kind of feel for straight single women because when they go on dates and they don't find the guy sexually attractive at all but then the guy, the guy was real nice like you feel obligated like I gotta give you something. Wow the guy was fucking probably excited. Yeah.

You know plus they, those guys love the Wizard of Oz. Yeah. That's like, that's that dream. They love Judy Garley. It's like oh my god are you related to the cast member? This is the dream. That and you know you take a photo you show all your gay friends yeah I went on a date I love Ginny Garly, it's like, oh my god, are you related to the cast member? This is the dream. I know. That, and you know, you take a photo, you show all your gay friends,

yeah, I went on a date with a little person, you look like a good person, you know? He shows up at a lollipop. Just, can you sing it once? Please? What time? Fuck, you kicked the dirt. Can you just hold, can you just hold this pot of gold

for a second, just one second, just one, not two. But, yeah, he was great. But then so we're on the radio and we're talking about the bit, Tinder Grinder, and a listener calls him and goes, you guys should try, you can do Tinder Grinder, you guys should try the app Thrender. And I'm like, the fuck is that?

Throw up, how many apps are there? There's so many. Can't you just meet somebody? Go ahead. Yeah, so the app Thrender is Tinder, but it's for people trying to have threesomes. What the fuck is where we going with this? Let me weave. Let me weave a verbal tapestry.

You are. You really are. So you're sucking. You're fucking dating girls. Now you have a threesomes. So I go on this app and you match. I match with two women and we're all gonna go on a date together.

And one of the women didn't show up on the date. And just the other woman showed up and we're like, do we still wanna do the date? Yeah, sure. So we sat down and two years the day of that date I proposed to that woman. That's your wife. That's my wife.

Is she still into women? Yeah, you don't stop. I had two. It's my wife. Is she still into women? Yeah, you don't stop Will you call my wife I didn't know that I Can't stop being into women. I But he finds them attractive. Yeah, so can I know why I'm whispering He's not here. Okay, so can you can you guys still do, do you guys? If everyone is okay with it, yeah. I mean, yeah, one of the times

when one's tied to a radiator, help! Shut up. It's like you've seen our house. But yeah, if she wants to, then yes. So you don't find that difficult? Of course it's difficult. So is it just girls? Oh, can you do guys no guys no guys? No guys. I can't now you can't do this

I got pubes and everything now now I do have questions Okay, what is this tender parent company March? Why are you bringing this up? Oh yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah. So Tinder sued Thrender for like a copyright infringement. So now the app is called Field F-E-E-L-D. So that's the app now. Well, here's how autistic my guy is. He did all this in his head and just brought it up and I'm talking to you having a conversation. And then there's this blue highlighted thing.

Lawsuits. It's about a lawsuit I mean if that's not an autistic Jew, I don't know what it was there a court filing involved. He'll find it He knows the case number who cares We're talking about it's not about chicks. There's my it's an agent's having three so he's like where's the legal briefs Oh fuck is wrong with you? According to Brown versus the board of education. So I listen, man, I am very naive.

Sure. I've always liked like, I've never been with a little person. And I've never I've always wanted to be. I think your wife would let you do that now. No, she won't. No, she's old school Boston. She's a party put. Should I ask her? Yeah, just be like, yeah, just like, Hey, just say, is it cheating? If I'm with a dwarf woman, she's gonna get mad. No, if we're with a dwarf woman, but she's not gonna be she doesn't want to be with me or anybody. She hates it. Just say, Hey, I just have a random question.

I don't know. Don, can you, at least you're on the air. Can you go somewhere where I can ask you a question? Yeah, go ahead. Okay, I'm here with Brad. Remember Brad Williams from Just For Last? Yes. Okay.

Little person. Right? I know who he is. All right, okay. You don't have to. Well, him and his wife, Little person Right, I know I know Okay, well him and his wife Him and his wife, you know kind of you know do some threesomes once in a while, but only with women and I've never been with a little person woman and I brought that up to him and he said well You should try it and I. And I go to my wife and let me. He says, yes, you should ask her. It's a good sign.

I think the phone got out. Dawn? Well, there's that answer. Sorry, buddy. Now I'm in trouble. I thought it was going to be fine. She's from Boston. She's not from California.

You guys been married how long now? 16 years. 16 years. Don't each other for 30? Yeah. Don't each other for 30 years. I thought it was gonna be fine. She's from Boston. She's not from California. You guys been married how long now? 16 years. 16 years. Yeah, known each other for 30 years. You think at this point she'd be like, ah, go have fun. Nah, dude. We're old-school love. We're old-school couple. Yeah, we're gonna, I mean, we'll ride or die. Are you gonna be that couple that like, the man and the woman married for 50 years, they died five minutes away from each other?

Uh, I don't know. I mean, I'm gonna definitely cheat on her in a couple years. couple that like a man and a woman married for 50 years they died five minutes away from each other I don't know I mean I'm gonna definitely cheat on it a couple years but I mean it's up to you girls I mean you gotta be the aggressor I mean if you force it I can't fight make me an orphan I know I've always wanted to be with a little person I know I've always wanted to be with a little person. I've never met one and I, and here's the thing too, and this may sound fucking, I don't know, I don't know what it would sound, but I was like, shit, if I get rejected by a little person, that would hurt.

Oh yeah, that's gonna be like really? If she was like, fuck you, but I can't see it. See, now you're talking about how that was my tactic when I was single. It's like, whatever hot woman would show me and I would just tell them, now you're not my type. You nagged them. Yeah. Wow.

Wow, we're getting real close multiple times. Hahaha. Pick up the word. Hahaha. It means to... You throw a negative comment towards a woman. Negative comments, negative. It means the word negative. Yes, so now it's like a reverse psychology thing.

Oh, god, my throat. Fucking Christ. So, yes, that's what it is. But I can't get counseled with you here. Is that the rule? Hold on, let's try it. Let's see if it works. But it did work. see if it works.

But it did work. Imagine if it did work. Oh my God. Alright, yeah. Insult neg is to insult or undermine somebody that believes this sexual advances. Yeah, okay, so I get you. Yeah, so you do that. Yeah, well, yeah, back when I was single, that was my main tactic was just to be like, I'm just not interested. And they wanted you then. Yeah, so that's the whole thing,

like to be rejected by a little person. But no, I get it, man. Now, have you ever seen a female little person that you found attractive? Yeah, oh a lot. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Dude, I just found out that like the number one girl

and only fans is a dwarf. Cause like all the fans, like whenever there's a dwarf story, they send it to me. I know what's going on in my world whether I'm tuned in or not and and then I looked her up She made 24 million dollars last year. Sorry. I see shoes out of my leg You know 24 million. Yeah, what the hell? It's a lot of money. I put some photos on OnlyFans for 10. Put some on that. Do you?

I'll put up some feet pics. Why not? I got disgusting hobbit feet. Someone will be into it. I'll put up some bubble butt pics. Yeah. Why not? I got a great idea.

Well, I don't want to be hack about it, or I really don't want to insult you and I just I don't mind it to that We've known each other for a long time, but I do have questions like I do like like there's different There's different forms of dwarfism of dwarfism. Yeah, so what are the what are the? What are the levels of it? What's the state? So it's a genetic mutation. So I'm an X-man You just went the other way Exactly, you shrunk. Yeah, I get like superpowers again, but

So the most common type of dwarfism there's there's over 100 types. Really? Yeah, so there's no, yeah. So the most common type is the type that I have. It's called achondroplasia, and that is categorized by a large head, small limbs, average sized torso, and the medical term is prominent buttocks. Right, and what? I just love reading that whenever I do. And, okay, so is that from, where is that from?

How does this happen? So that's a recessive gene. So we don't know if it was on my dad's side or my mom's side, because we can't find any little people in my family. Like we can't. Wow. It's crazy. Like we look back and we don't find any.

So, but it was there somewhere and it popped up and hey. So, but yeah, so that's why like when I sit down we're making eye contact. People assume sometimes like, oh you're gonna need a booster seat. Whenever I go to the fucking barber, they're like, do you need a booster? Like they're so nervous when they ask.

They're just like, do you need a booster? I'm just like, no, when I sit down it's fine. So yeah, average size towards so. And that's why like I don't sit on phone books to drive. I just have pedal extenders. So like the little pedals that attach onto a pedal. And then so it just makes the pedal longer. So the pedal's longer.

Yeah. See, but now if you're gonna rent the car. I don't rent cars. You don't, you can't. No. So there's things you can't do. Yeah, cause like, if I rent a car, I gotta bring the pedals with me.

I gotta have a whole like toolkit, install them in the rental car. I'm just like, I'll just Uber. There's no there's got to be technology that fix that. You think it'd be like something real quick. Yeah, like a shoe with a block on it. Yeah, just bring a block shoe, like a pedal shoe. Dude, there's one time I 100 percent guarantee you there is a little person shoe that shoots down four challenging you

never realize little people have. Okay, let's go through this. Oh, God. Okay, ready? 14. Oh, yeah. 14. Okay, let's go through this.

All right. Door handles usually are too high. Is that true? Not for me, but there are some little people where that's true. But for me. ATMs aren't always accessible. That is true. Really? Yeah.

That, yeah. Thankfully, all the bank is done via phone now, so we're fine. So if you go to an ATM, you can't hide your password? It's just open. I'm just like skyhooking it. 5, 2, 3. Everyone just sees it. It's fine.

Car airbags can be dead. Yeah. Those can be deadly. Because it hits the. Well, because airbags can be d- Yeah. Those can be deadly. Why? Because it hits the- Well, because my arms are small, so I'm really close to the steering wheel. Right. So if I get hit and the airbag goes off, I pop the airbag in my car. Because if I get hit and that airbag goes off, I'm flying through the fucking rear wind.

You popped it. Yeah. Like, it's just gonna- I mean, I'm gonna say that's terrible, but if I ever saw that in life I would laugh for 75 days just I'm surprised I haven't seen you so you popped it with a knife yeah yeah yeah well I got a mechanic to whatever do because if you might get killed if they're all right well that's interesting fine should hit you finding shoes can be challenging yeah how why well like all right so it's not that like finding shoot now I've got a like It hits you. Finding shoes can be challenging. Yeah. How? Why? Well, like, all right.

So it's not that like, finding shoes now, I've got a like a size four, so they're still like kind of cool shoes. Size four, what? That are in men's. Men's, okay. So yeah, so there's, I still got like some good shoes that are, but like there are some little people

that have really short wide feet. So like kid shoes don't really work for them. Right. So yeah, for them, for them it's difficult. For me, I'm okay, but my Jordans are like half price. What are you going on? You got Kizzix? No, these are Skechers. Oh, Skechers. I love the Skech. Slippins. Skechers, Kizzix too. Kizzix. They come out of Utah. I've been to the Kizzix factory. I wanted to go, god damn it, I want

to go there. I love that. Salt Lake City. They're a great shoe company. Great. My kid loves them. They step right in. They sent me three pairs. Awesome. Yeah, the best. I love them. I wish all shoes had that. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So here we go. Where's some other ones? It's tough being a little person in the LGBTQ community. Why? Now that I can't I can't speak to because obviously I'm not in the community, but I imagine just your dating pool is smaller and smaller and smaller. What's up?

What's up? Smaller, smaller, smaller. All right, sex might require modification. All right, that's not an issue. I stopped right there before you go. There's no like, like pulley system I have to construct. It's fine. You need a 3D printed bag.

You know what it is? It's like, I have to hop in one of those like, like those Johnny jump ups. Yeah. Like a baby thing where your kids jumping up and down. Yeah. You got a regular sized piece. Yeah.

Is it a good piece, a big piece? I think it's a good piece. Yeah. And then, but then here's the sized piece. Yeah, is it a good piece a big piece? I think it's a good piece Yeah, and then but then here's the good part. Yeah, I think it's a regular sized piece on me though It looks fucking huge like on like when you see it on me or like damn like Brad's pack I was like no, it's fine. It's regular done special about it Then on me like if you put my piece on a black guy, it's not looking it Maybe I require modifications for women. Is it harder to get in piece on a black guy, it's not looking good. Maybe sex might require modifications for women. Is it harder to get in there on a girl?

No, like I've been with dwarf women. I've been with average sized women. What do you like better? No preference. No, is there anything with dwarf women that might? Yeah, some people are like, oh, does she have like a shallow tight pussy? It's like, I don't know.

I don't ask them, I don't compare. Like it fits, it feels good. It's fine. It's good. What does it say? What did that say? It says because of many forms of dwarfism, dwarfism can result in inflexible or malformed hits.

Spinals, stenosis, forearms. Yeah, that might be it. Okay, yeah, that would do it. Yeah, my hips are okay, but for some little people, yeah, they got problems. And that is another form of... Yeah, there's like probably dyostrophic dwarfism. So you know all of them? Not all of them, but I know like five. What is the, what is smaller than you? Smaller than me. Primordial is the smallest I know. What is that?

Primordial dwarfism, they usually don't even live past the age of like 12 or something, but they just look like... type in primordial dwarfism. It's tough to describe. And I don't want to... I want to go for the joke, that's the comedic instinct, but I also know, they're human beings. I don't want to... Yeah, you don't have to go for the joke all the time. Yeah, they just look like I mean, they're very small They look like babies like they look like they're you know, they get they get older Well, you're you're really fast with the legal briefs, but not fucking primal for you. I yelled them every week

I stopped yelling at him. He's terrible. I mean you said bring bring, oh my God, what the, no, I'm kidding. I want one. What's not a man, Chi Chi? Yeah, I don't live 12 years. Fuck, it's like a shit too. It's like, that's a good one. Type in primordial dwarfism and then just do an image search and you'll see.

He's an idiot. I mean, this guy is literally, all three of these are geniuses at two things how are they still employed by you? I love them. Oh, well, you know, okay, but here you go. Um, but then she's like 20 so she's 20 I think that's like attack like this. Yeah Yeah, yeah, because like everything's just smaller so So yeah primordial dwarfism. I've seen some very Oh my god, is that a that's not real? No, that's real. That's not real. That's a doll he bought at Toys R Us No, that's in 1998 That's not a human being. Yeah, she's got to be about so cute. She may be like four or five. Why is he holding her like that?

I mean, what do you mean? Put her in a papoose or something. It helps get her legs strong. Man, she's a good girl. Yeah, she's so cute though. Yeah, and then the photo we're looking at on top of that ginger. Oh.

Yeah, but that's a wig. That hair dies. She's 37 in that photo. So yeah, that's gotta be like the smallest form of dwarfism that's a wig. Their hair dies. She's 37 in that photo. So yeah, that's got to be like the smallest form of dwarfism that I that I know of. There might be others that are smaller, but so sex is regular for me. Yeah. Sex is relevant. And then I mean, that would suck if you know what I mean?

If you had little tiny, if, you know, little dinks. Oh, yeah. That would blow. Yeah, that wouldn't be good. Ah, if you had a little there's got to. That would blow. Yeah, that wouldn't be good. Ah, if you had a little, there's gotta be a, there's gotta be one out there. There's gotta be a little person out there that their dick is just micro.

Yeah. There's such thing as a micro penis, they're out there. Sure. So, you know, someone played the genetic hand. Here's something right here, workplace discrimination is rampant. Oh yeah, yeah. Have you been in comedy and been offended and mad and sad because of us?

No, because I always know comedians are coming in from a place of... Like the intent is always to make a laugh, like to make a joke. That's the intent. When the intent is to literally like, oh, the only reason why you said what you said is to cause pain in another human being. Like, that's when it's like, come on, man. Like, why? Like, what did you think was going to happen?

So that, like, some of my favorite dwarf jokes are from non-dwarf comics. Ralphie May had some great ones. Ralphie May, oh my God. He had some good fat ones too. Yeah, he has both covered. Oh my God. Well had some good fat ones too. Yeah. He has both covered. Oh my god. Well, tell me a joke. Tell me what it's like.

Ralphie would be like, they want to be called dwarves. You can't be called a dwarf unless you are in possession of a battle axe. Which I always loved. Dude, Ralphie May would find out, when I was on the road, he would find out where I was. He would call the radio station, because he knew that I'd be there.

And they would just, it would always happen. I'd be on the radio, talking to the DJ, and then we go, Ralphie May's on the phone. I go, I know what he's gonna do. And he got a phone. All right, Ralphie, you're on with, you know, Craig and Feg in the morning or whatever. And then Brad Williams

He go let me tell you Brad Williams coming to your city. This midget is slinging dick All over Indianapolis this guy's got a piece if he falls down his head his head Don't not get the flow Jack and he would just oh my god He would just talk up my dick and then I get laid that weekend. You got a big dick. Yeah, you got a big dick, dude. I asked you if it's average It's fine what size is it? No, do you measure yep six? Okay, cool. We're like dick twins. All right great six nice I'm done. So so you're the same size as a little person you go to bed have that hurts

That hurt. I'm the way gonna fucking come down on. Not all countries recognize their needs. Is that true? Yeah, cause like America is good cause we got like the Americans with Disabilities Act and like stuff like that. Well you go to Ireland, they're scared of you. I mean, it's real mother. Look at me, he's out there right now with a shaleil. Oh my fucking good. I thought it was just a legend.

It's not. Come and help our football team win the game. But like sometimes I do stand up in other countries and then I go there and I'm like oh like they don't have the urinal it's down there for like you know for me and for kids whatever and then yeah just some things aren't as easy like I'll go and like some they'll be like shower heads are a son of a. I hate shower heads Because it's way It's way up

So I check into a hotel I get in the shower to take a shower before the show whatever and then the shower head is like pointed straight I'm just looking at this some bitch like oh my god. How am I gonna do this? What are you doing that situation? I'm gonna call down front sometimes. I do sometimes I have too much pride And I like I'll grab a hanger from the closet and fix it and I'll like hop hop on the side. I already know how I'm going to die, Robert Kelly. I'm going to die trying to fix a fucking shower head, hit a puddle that the maid didn't wipe up and just fly up in the air and land in the bathtub. And when that when that happens, everybody post your jokes. It's fine. Have you done this is gene therapy, could eliminate little people altogether.

Yeah, that's the rumor. The rumor is that we can identify the dwarf gene, or at least the one that causes it, achondroplasia, which is my type of dwarfism. How would you feel if someday there was no dwarf people born, like there was just, it was out, and you were one of the last yeah Great movie idea. Well at the last of the little people the last the last of the two of us

All the spells they stopped working No, but that I mean that'd be a great movie Yeah, if you were you and your is you and your friends are the last little people? The last generation, because now there's even pills that you can take as a child, and we're actually having this conversation right now with my daughter, to where it's like there's pills they can take that can not make them not a little person because you'll always have certain body modifications

that are different, but like she'll get a few inches taller by taking these pills. And then there's brutal surgeries that are horrible that can make you taller. Literally they put braces on your legs and your arms. Yeah, and they break the bone every day. You have to turn a little crank and it separates the bone by like two millimeters every day.

And then the bone grows back overnight. It's extremely painful. It's not, I'm not a fan of that one. But if I, like if they found a way to just eliminate dwarfism, okay. I'm fine. I like, I'm personally, I'm fine with it. I'm not that guy that said like, there has to be more of me. Like, no, it's fine. It's, for some people it's very difficult. For some people there's, the world is not built for us. So it can be very hard.

So if they can make it so someone doesn't have dwarfism, they can be of average height, okay. What does the word midget come from? What is it? And that's like a terrible word nobody likes. Yeah. Using that new word, right? What is that word?

Why is that word so bad and where did it come from? Like, you know why certain words are bad, right? Yeah, like, you learn the history of certain slurs. Like, I remember that there was that one episode of Louis where they went into the history of the F word for gay people where I'm like, oh, shit, like, that's what that means. Yeah. Like the the the the sticks that weren't good enough to burn Holy shit like awful. Yeah, but I think I think the word midget and you have to look this up Which will take them about 35 years. I know I think the word midget. Yeah was a term that was invented by PT Barnum and

To describe like Tom Thumb, so I think that's why it has sort of derogatory because it like comes from like- Here it is, right here. Read that out loud. There it is. Read that into the microphone. P.T. Barnum, move the fucking P.T. Barnum. I love that my guests are yelling at you, Danny.

P.T. Barnum, indirectly- No, you don't read it, you're the guest. Oh, why? I know the words. I got P.D. Barnum indirectly. No, you don't read it. You're the guest. Oh, why? I know the words. They don't know him. P.D. Barnum indirectly helped popularize the term Midget when he began featuring General Tom Thumb, Commodore, Commodore Nut. Wow. Commodore Nut in his circus. Midget became linked with referring to short people put on public display for curiosity and sport The end sport is the term that terrifies me. Why you know, they used to what's the sport?

Oh, this is oh, yeah Yeah, I got to get myself a good fight and war for right there. Oh, that'd be good sport now when you like are you like when you go out I mean Brad, I don't know like these are all stupid questions. That's not you But are you are you tough like can you fight like I can't fight my wife Todd like one don't I know she can fight. She's a bigger No, but like like I don't bring up to dwarf toss Guys like a morning zoo show Danny Cowbell cowboy cowboy point point point. That's like

That's like if I had a black guest and you brought up like people hosing them down in the 30s. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, man. It's just had a fucking some blanchik throwing a little guy into a wall of Velcro. Oh, it's rough, man.

I mean, but I'm serious. Like, like when you look, I when I go out my family Or I go out like I always get nervous like if something happens Mm-hmm, but I know you know look I'll try to I'll try I can I can handle myself a little bit I'm not a tough guy, but you know and I'm sitting there going okay if you go with your wife and somebody disrespects your wife I know your wife can handle it But it was where what does that make you nervous? So here's one thing I've discovered a I wrestled in high school so I can I can hold my own a little bit but

What I've discovered is that if you're a little guy Yeah, looks like me and you have just supreme confidence and you're like walking up to the biggest guy You see and you're like I'll fucking kill you. I will fucking wreck like they will back down. They're like, holy shit, he knows something I don't. Right. Like they like people get scared. Don't forget your ball high too. Yeah. Use them things like a speed bag. Right. So have you been bullied? Have you been beat up? Like people fuck you like that? Yeah. Like back when I was in elementary school. What did you do? Oh, so here's the cool part. So my dad knew that I would be bullied because he's a tall person

and he knew that I'd be bullied. So he and I would write comebacks together so that when I went to school and some kid would make fun of me, I would have a comeback, I'd have a joke, like roast joke style. And then it became known around the school very quickly, do not fuck with Brad.

Cause he'll make you cry. Your dad was Jeff Ross. Roastmaster General. Yeah, so like. I've been doing that with my kid. Yeah. Cause I got my kid in Jiu-Jitsu and he's, but I was like this, just, I've been kind of on the DL telling him shit

because his mom doesn't want me to do it, but I had a story the other day, I was so proud of my kid, man. That's awesome. He was at school, and he kept telling me that these kids are threatening to jump him, this gang of kids are gonna jump him. I'm like, well, what kids?

And he's like, those kids over there, there's like four or five kids, four or five kids. And I go, you wanna go say something to him? He's like, no, no, no, don't, I say nothing. I go, Max, let's just go, I'll go over. I'm not gonna, he goes, no, no, no, all right, fine. So he gets in trouble at school, we gotta go off in the principal.

He comes home and I'm like, What happened? He goes, Okay, I'm gonna tell you. And he goes, I'm in school, I'm in the room recess, and those kids who are going to jump me, we're all standing there. And these other kids and Izzy and all these. And I was I just, I wanted to get over with dad. I didn't want to wait. I was sick of it. It was freaking me out. I just wanted to get it over with. I. I didn't want to wait, I was sick of it. It was freaking me out, I just wanted to get it over with. I go, what'd you do?

He goes, I went, you guys, fuck you, let's go. And one kid came at me and I pushed him down, the other kid came at me and I pushed him down, and then they all got in my face, and then the teacher broke it up. And I was like, what do you want? I couldn't, anywhere you want to go. You give me goosebumps as a parent. I'm like, oh, that's so good. Anywhere you want to go dude. Yeah, and his mom was like no you have I'm like listen

That's this is to get it over with. Yeah is the key. It's like fuck. I just wanted it not be afraid of it Yeah, he didn't want to like he did he didn't want to Like cause malice to the kid. He's like, let's just let's go. Let's do this. Jump me, motherfucker. Yeah, I love it. Yeah.

And your dad gave you gave you that ability to verbal ammo, verbal ammo to deal with it. What a fucking great. Your dad's still around. No, we lost him two years ago. But one thing I tell people is that it's like, if you ever watch Inside the Actor studio with Mike Myers, they're the episode with Mike Myers, they ask him all the questions at the end, they go, if God exists, if heaven exists, what do you want God to say when you get there? And Mike Myers says, I want God to say he saw it because

he lost his dad very young. So his dad didn't see all of his success. But my dad saw it. He saw specials, he met all his grandkids. He saw me and do my thing. He saw my sister make partner at her accounting firm. My sister is doing really well. He saw it. you know? Yeah, that's great. Death sucks, obviously, but if you have to go, but knowing that your family's gonna be okay, and now as a father, I'd be like, yeah, that would give me peace.

If, like, as I'm going out, I'm like, okay, kid's fine. Cool, I'm good. He saw it. Yeah, he saw it. So that's the part I always say. Like, here's how much death sucks. Cool, I'm good. You saw it. Yeah, he saw it. So that's the part I always say. Here's how much death sucks. My dad had the most idyllic death ever in his home.

He died getting blown by an Asian massage lady? I'm sorry. Maybe we have different... He died in the house surrounded by his family. Oh, sorry. Yeah, that's a good one. That's also a good way to go. His favorite music was playing. Right, okay.

Mine is... Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung Bung B You didn't get rigged a mortise in your dick before you die. I wanna go tonight. If I was a millionaire, I would get these three jerked off every Tuesday. As soon as we were done here, we'd go to a fucking place and just get all these. I just love to see Danny go... He just wanna record their faces when they hit it. Oh yeah. The yo face. Delightful.

So he passed away and but he saw everything which is yeah that's great yeah and now you get this new special and it's called starfish stand-up comedy special why starfish why is that about your asshole limp biscuit screwed me up because they have an album called chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavored water it's it's starfish because that's the move I do when my wife is like you sleep on the couch tonight And I'm like that's a punishment so I go full starfish on the couch and just like yeah, it's fine and So I called it that and then People start bring up the limp biscuit out. I'm like is that your asshole?

I did not think about this. Yeah, you really have. Yeah, so yeah, so when you Google dwarf starfish There's gonna be a lot of weird stuff that comes up. So the, so the specialist called Starfish, it's a streaming on a website called veeps, V E E P S dot com. You do not have to subscribe to veeps. Veeps started off as like a concert website. So you can go and watch like Alicia Keys as concerts there, like, like, like, like Imagine Dragons. And then they started doing comedy specials. They got me, they got David Cross, they got Captain Ryan, Reggie Watts. Like we all have comedy specials. Well, it's a very alternative lineup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just like a little bit of everything. Very alternative. Yeah. You're you're lumped in with them. That's pretty cool. Yeah. No, it is.

It is because I consider you, I consider you, you know, you're a club guy, man. You go up and murder. I remember when we did Montreal, and they were like, okay, they had you close the first half or the second, the second half. So on Montreal, on the nasty show, there's two halves. Then, you know, whoever closes that first, I think I was, was I hosting? Yeah, you were hosting, it was a,

So Brittany, no, Bridget Everett, who murders, She had to close the first half. And then you closed the second half. So it was a murderers, I mean, everybody was murdering, but then she would kill it. And then you would end it at the end to a standing out every fucking time. Yeah, it was that that was one that weekend. That was a really cool run. Because I would get a standing ovation and being surrounded by like really great

comics that I that I respect. To have, because we do this on the road, it's a very like lonely thing. It's just us going out there to whatever city and we're by ourselves. But to do it in Montreal where other comedians are seeing it going, oh, that's what Brad's doing. Yeah. Okay. Like that felt really good.

Yeah. And, yeah. Okay, like that like that felt really good. Yeah, and and Yeah, so to have other comics like recognize that that felt that felt fucking amazing Well, the thing about it too is I mean look it we're all fucking You know, we're all for you know these narcissists insecure dudes we we walk on stage in front of hundreds sometimes thousands of people and say hey all y'all shut up only Only my thoughts count right now. Right. And then we get off and it's that good?

They're standing. Yeah, we're weird. Yeah, we're weird motherfuckers. But I remember that week, I mean, getting to know you and getting to hang out with you and you're just a good guy. Thanks. You're a good guy offstage, which to me, people go, is he funny or is she funny? Good guy, good person. That's the

I want to know that before I give a fuck about how funny you are. Thank you. You know what I mean? And I like that. I like knowing that other comics think that I'm a halfway decent human being because yeah, we're living in an industry that has a lot of us that aren't that great. No, to have to be known as a halfway decent guy and someone that, you know, my daughter can look at and be like, yeah, no, dad was cool. Like that's what I want. Funny is great.

Obviously, funny pays the bills, but I get that validation from the audience. They laugh, awesome. I'm funny, but you don't have to say that. So that means the world to me, awesome. I'm funny. But you don't have to say that. So that means the world to me, seriously. Are you, because you, you know, we always have these ups and downs and shit in our career. And you get here and then it comes down, you get out here. And now you got this special out.

Yep. You're coming back up, you're on a rise, you know. Yeah, we're doing theaters this year. That's great. Yeah. And they're rise. Yeah, we're doing theaters this year. That's great. Yeah, and they're selling. We're adding shows. We added shows in Palace, Sacrum, Patel, Tucson.

There's that comic in Security. Yeah. Right there. There it is. You're doing theaters. Yep. They're selling. And you're like, oh my god.

Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. How we can't believe. Can't believe it. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy how we can't believe can't believe it. Yeah, people don't understand how how amazed how how like Appreciative we are that you guys come and see us live Well because we and the vast majority comedians that get to the level of theaters

They were at the level of open mic and at the level of selling no tickets and at the level of the owner of open mic and at the level of selling no tickets, not the level of the owner screwing them on a bonus. And the green room is a broom closet and getting no service and then the hotel is shitty. Like we've been in the shit and then you're there so you slowly watch it grow. And now it's like, oh no, now the theater's all nice. You have a rider.

People are paying for parking outside. Like, they got their babysitter. This is their night out. Like, holy shit. This is unbelievable. It's crazy. It's wonderful. And I know that, hey, I'm going to do this theater run this year. Next year, what will happen? I don't know. We might be going big. We might... This might be it. I don't know. But... Let's look at these theaters again show me these theaters yeah Brad is going to be at you're gonna be at Sacramento crest theater you're gonna be there for two nights no one night one

night one night two shows Balboa at San Diego theater Balboa theater beautiful theater yeah he's gonna be that's That's like corporate, that's a cruise. Okay, Miami, Florida, Tempe, Arizona for two show, no two nights, that's the February 1st and the second at the Tempe Improv. Yeah. I mean you got a... Tucson Theater, Fox Theater in Bakersfield, California. The theater at the Ace Hotel, I'm really excited about that one in Los Angeles. That's February 10th. So how many theaters, dude? You're at the majestic theater in Dallas. Two shows. Two shows. I mean, two shows. And that's when you make that money.

Yeah. You sell out the first one, great. Then you've already rented the theater. What do you think? I mean, I know you're popular, dude. I know you have a fan base, but it seems to be getting bigger and bigger. How is it getting bigger and bigger? Honestly, here's the here's not to use the word bigger and bigger Here's the cool part is like I'm not I don't have a tiktok account. I'm an idiot. I don't have a youtube account I'm a moron People started clipping my clips from past specials fun size and daddy issues and

The degenerates which you were you were degenerate season two. Yeah season two. I was season one. Yeah, well, they paid you Yeah, everyone says the first one was better. Oh I agree But like so so people- Financially it was definitely better. I mean, they told us to fuck ourselves. People started to clip my clips and pass them around. And they just kind of caught fire on the internet. Now doing podcasts like this,

like clips of me talking on the internet went viral. So yeah, and it's great. Cause I- Is this a whole new hour? Then the special, yeah. Whole new hour. This special, okay, so the special, and what they're gonna be seeing this year,

is two different things. Two different things, because I record the special in July, and then for the next year, or the next half of year, I was just like throwing everything at the wall. How are you writing? What are you writing?

Explain this to people. I write on stage So what is your process? You're you're you're off stage? What happens funny shit happens? I'm gonna note my phone. Give me a thing. Give me an example. Okay, so So it was this interests me because I remember this is 30 years and I want to know how how are you coming up with another hour? And I want to know how, how are you coming up with another hour? Yeah, so like really it's just life experiences and that, and that happens and something goes on and I go okay, that, that was funny. Let me bring that up to the stage. What are you doing now that, that happened? How did, how did it work?

Okay, uh, yeah, yeah, I got my phone in my pocket just so I could look up notes Sorry, I just looked at you and fucking you're adorable. He really are okay. Okay, so cutie patootie Thank you sir Chat GPT. No, okay. Okay. So so cute. So here's one. Okay. We were having a we're having some people over to watch football. Yeah, and the Arizona Cardinals were on yeah, and they got that QB Kyler Murray, okay, and I forget the announcer But the announcer goes and Kyler Murray at five foot nine has overcome So much in his life to be here. And I just started getting pissed off.

I'm like, five foot nine, you motherfucker. Five foot nine and you're inspiring to people. This is in your head while this is going on. Are you talking out loud? Yes, and then my friends are laughing. Right, there you go. Okay. That's a bit.

That's what it is. And then you bring that on stage, you refine it, you try it out. The thing is, if the premise gets the laugh, okay, great, I got something. So I'm constantly just throwing out premises. And then if it works, great. Now we expand, now we develop, now we try to do, now we add punch lines. So you get on stage a lot and work that shit out, are you doing on the road? Are you out in the road? I'm on the road, dude.

Dude, a lot. But it's so- You're a the road are you on the road I'm on the road dude but it's your road dog it's so hard you and Steve Burn man Steve Burn is another it's hard to turn down money because we used to do I say no the greatest thing that success has given me and I think Jerry Seinfeld said it was the ability to say no. Yes, yes, because you raise your value. Well, it's just I'd like, I'd rather be home. Yeah. You know, I'll come to the cellar and do a few shows on Saturday, but if I got a weekend off,

and it's like, I'll just stay home. Yeah, this past New Year's Eve, I had the first New Year's Eve off in 20 years. I mean, I had a- How'd it feel? Amazing. Didn't it? We went to a New Year's Eve off in 20 years. I mean, how to feel amazing. Didn't we went to a New Year's Eve party with normal people? Yes.

Long out. State up to midnight. Thirty fucking years I've been doing this. Yeah. Thirty years I've been going to a club for most of that time. Yeah. Monday through fucking Sunday. Yeah. Doing stand up. I was in love and pinpoint focused on stand up. And now I built a life. Yeah doing stand-up. I was in love and pinpoint focused on stand-up and now I and I built a life Yeah, why would I not?

Want to fucking what am I gonna wait till I retire? Yeah, like that's what I see these people like How much money do you need? Before you fucking enjoy some of these people around you if I had one year Yeah, like Sebastian Manis Calco or Burt Christcher or fucking enjoy some of these people around you if I had one year yeah like Sebastian Manis Calco or Burt Kreischer or Gabriel or whoever one year like that yeah I'm not retired but I'm not going back out another 35 weeks the next well we I mean look I'm I say this and I'm working every day I'm working every weekend until fucking June but yeah I always take July and August off

as much as I can. Oh, but your kid's got summer vacations, so you wanna spend time with him. Yeah, I go up the mountains to hang out, do my shit and live life a little bit, but. Very important. Yeah, but you are a road dog, dude, you kill it. You're always on the fucking road,

you're always doing it, and you got this new special out, it's called Starfish. Yes. And it's on. Veeps. Veeps. Go to veeps.com or... How do you spell that?

V-E-E-P-S. So it's like vice president at an S. Veeps? Veeps. Dot com. Yeah, veeps.com. How much is this special? I think it's, what was it?

Bring up the price. I don't want to tell people the wrong number. I think it's, I think it's, is it $20? No, it can't be 20. Is it 20? It'll be $19.99. $19.99, yeah. Okay, listen, here's the thing too.

I know everybody, every Tom, Dick, and Harry is giving their specials away for free. It's a shitty thing. It's a crappy thing to do. It really is, man. I know they want the likes, they want the views, and they want to fill up the rooms and all that shit. But part of the deal we do is we work our asses off. Yeah, and we write these jokes and we go and we

perform them at clubs all over for and you can come see us for 2025 bucks. But at some point, we put all that together and we make a special and it costs a lot of money and you're part of it. You're investing in it. And the way you invest in it is by purchasing it. And giving us a $20, think about a $20 bill. That's a two Starbucks coffee.

That's a fucking sandwich at Panera and a salad. It's one lunch. It's one breakfast. It's a couple trips to the coffee store. It's a toll to New York City So it's all it really is man. Just go less than the tank of gas They own it right? Yeah, you own it go and buy it go to his thing and purchase it and support live comedy support comic specials I I get the free shit. You can go get my special now

I get the free shit. You can go get my special now free on punchup.live. But I can't tell you, all the people that bought it when it was on Louise, you guys made it happen. You guys are my fans and you made that special possible. And that's why I love the fans. Thanks for saying that, man. And they'll go buy that, man, because I get a lot of people out there. Hey, it's free. It's alright. Well, that must be nice to do that. I get it. But I still think people, if you give a value to it, you're part of it. Yeah, I remember I was listening to Burr's podcast one time and

some listener wrote in and was like, really a two drink a minimum and then Burr just went off. He's like, Really a two drink a minimum and then Burr just went off. He's like this is an economy here. We're all support like There's rents. There's freaking electric bills all all the all the wait staff got to get paid Comedians got to get paid like all that everything is taking care. It's an exchange we make yes and comedy fans get it real comedy fans get it. Yeah, 100% and You know and plus he's a little person. You'll get into heaven. When they ask you at the pearly gates, what did you do on earth?

I gave 20 bucks to a little person at what time? And he made me laugh for an hour. It's a good exchange. It's good luck. Yeah. Is it? Exactly. I'll put that out there.

I'll put it out there. There it is right there. We have a questions for you, brother. Oh boy. All right, here we go. All right, all right, all right, questions. I can't believe we grew up in California. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OCboy, Orange County. You were in an NBA celebrity game? Yeah. That's weird. Yeah, it was very weird. I stole the opening tip off. It was very, it was very funny. How? Because the trampoline. Yeah. Well, cause like, so they were doing the opening tip. It was these two, like six foot eight W NBA players that were, they were going to do the opening tip and then, and then the ref lowered the ball to throw it. And I just ran

and grabbed it. And then the game started. But yeah, there were some cool celebrities in that game. There was Hasan Minhaj, Bad Bunny was in that game. Sorry, I just remember the comics. My fellow comedian, Adam Ray was in the game. It was blast, man. Oh, that's great, man, I love that. Oh, Doc Dr. Oz?

Quavo, Ray Allen, yeah. Yeah, fun game. Well, here's what I love about you, do you embrace your life and who you are. And I think comics that what we do. Look, I got my own fucker. I was a fat fuck for a long time, which, and then I get skinny and then I got fat

and it was like, you know, my special, I was 350. I look at him and I go, I was a different person. We all kind of embrace our defects, you know, my special was 350. I look at him, I was a different person. Yeah, we all kind of embrace our defects, our faults, or whatever it is. And and and that's why as far as you, the fact that you are out there killing it, you got a beautiful wife. She can kick the shit out of you if she wants them. I love that she knows Marshall. Yeah, I sleep between a martial arts master and a pit bull. I sleep very well It's fucking Bobby. Yeah, I'm max what we're gonna do questions on the patreon now, right?

Sure. Yeah, they're gonna that we're gonna just it's gonna be patreon only What do you wanted to do? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, so here's the deal everybody. We got a bunch of questions for you guys And it is for patreon patreon only so I hope you guys enjoyed the podcast. Let's end the podcast here And we're gonna go to my tickets go to Robert Kelly live comm I just added first of all I want to thank everybody that came out to Saratoga spring what a show me and Joe Russell murdered all weekend. Oh, it's fun. Yeah, we had a blast. Chicago, but this isn't gonna be out.

This is, guys? This is this week. This is gonna be out Sunday. Sunday, but I'm gonna be back Sunday from all those places, you fucking moron. Comedy connection. I mean, hang on one second. I'm sorry, I'm furious with him right now.

I mean, these guys are supposed to be smarter than me. I was in Juvie Hall. He mean these guys are supposed to be smarter than me. I was in Juvie Hall He was in school. He looks like that And then he questions me I mean, it's literally just a date it says Sunday He's Providence, Rhode Island. I'm telling you right now all Sold out all four shows are sold out. We added a Sunday show. Hell yeah, buddy.

So Sunday show is added. Rhode Island. So if you're coming, get the tickets. We're going to sell out Sunday too. Point Pleasant, Uncle Vinny's on. Am I just there on one night? Friday? Two nights.

Ninth and 10th. I'm going to cancel both of those. No. Friday and Saturday. I don't know if I want to do Friday. Comic's Roadhouse, that's a great club. Oh yeah, but I can't wait to do that. Unkisville. And then of course, Sidesputters in Tampa.

Great club. My great, I mean, one of my favorites, Poughkeepsie, I'm going back up there for those guys, sweet guys. And that is like an hour away from my house. I love that. Hell yeah. And then Houston, house. I love

that. And then Houston, Texas. I didn't know about that. We're going to Houston. I'm going to Austin, but my comedy mothership. Yeah, baby. That's already going to be sold out. It's probably sold out now. I know. I love it. I mean, I get to give it a for Joe. Joe Rogan. Beast of a club, man. Made a beast of a club and then could make a lot of money off of it and chooses to give back to the People and the comic community one most fun green rooms you'll ever be in fun green room Everybody there were is so awesome. Oh all the staff. They treat your fantastic Yeah, it is a no pressure gig and it's it's awesome. So I'm so glad all the fans are so like they're get it club

337 Lafayette. I love that motherfucker You gotta check out go to Robert Kelle live calm and go check out comic wearables calm use co-ware ladybugs get Why key WD gear if you wear the regs hats up there also bone to pick hats up there fuck the check spot is up there Make sure you go and check out Brad special It is called starfish and it is available at right now Veebs. V E P S.com. It's 1999. That's a 20 spot. It's not that much. Support him. Show you love and hit him up wherever you go. And guys, where are you going to be?

You can find me max marcus comedy all all social media. Maxmarkuscomedy. Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff. And for everything Joe Russell, search the cheese show on YouTube. Wow Joe got a personality, where did that come from? From fucking three AI autistic kids to one guy who figured out the fucking algorithm. Alright then let's head over to Patreon and we're gonna answer some questions. We're gonna go to Patreon, we're gonna answer some questions I'm gonna go to patreon we're gonna answer some questions if you want to be part of the patreon patreon.com slash Robert Kelly We're gonna be answering these questions with Brad who knows where it's gonna go

But that's it for the show. We'll see you guys next week make sure you subscribe the button on YouTube and Hit the like button and all that stuff on you know what dude on any other all the other bullshit We'll see you guys next week, you know what dude, on any other, all the other bullshit. We'll see you guys next week on, you know what dude podcast.