Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Denmark

Episode Date: May 28, 2017

Me and Ari Shafir went to Denmark for a week. I got the rest of the comics on the show and did a YKWD. The other comics were from Ireland, Iceland, and Denmark. It is a very worldly YKWD. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network Riotcast.com Welcome to the funniest podcast on the planet Earth. This is gonna be a claustrophic. It's podcast. No rules. What are the mic assholes? I'm sure I've already said should I regret it? Can I get a microphone?

Oh, that's so f**k. That was trying to keep it like a comic head. I have a bunch of guys on. fuck! That was trying to keep it like a comic-can. I have a bunch of guys on. It's just us sitting down, yapping. Sometimes it's hilarious, sometimes it's... ...taping the topics, no directions. I love doing it.

Play both sides of the coin! That's how it all holds the... ...does you love a part of it? I don't want to do anything. My podcast is popular enough where I might affect some of these lines. You never know. It's Robert Kelly, so you know what to podcast on whitecast.com.

Yeah. All right, check it out. This is a special edition of the You Know What, Dude podcast with Robert Kelly. We are in Denmark. Copenhagen. Copenhagen. We're going to go around the room. Everybody's going to... This is an international fucking show. We're going international with this thing. Is this the most amount of nationalities you've had on one podcast? I gotta say yes.

I gotta say this. No. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Might be the most ever on any podcast. This is fucking crazy. I have a summit. I'm sorry to be here. Why? because it's too much of the same thing No, it's not true. I need you here. What you could leave. I need you you represent fucking Israel. Oh, Israel. Okay. I'll do that I'll be Israel. Yeah, I have I'm excited that though. We are all white and male So we're not we're not going too much in the diversity Just like you. Oh, yeah, it is all white. You will Who matters? Darry is supposed to be Darry was to be here, who represents the black people of South America.

I'm South Africa, sorry. I so go around the room and introduce yourselves. And the country you're from. Yeah, my name is Aare Eltyogner, I'm from Iceland. I'm Colomoregan from Ireland. Love it. I'm Aurecia Faire, I'm an American. You're from Israel, miss.

I'm in Vermont. with the American You're from Israel My name is are you say are they here? From a third Israel what are you doing here? They need you back home Do you have to do spy work before you get to the to the actually kill each now? I'm awful at actually. I'm Christian. I'm Valdemar Pustilnik. What's your last name? Pustilnik.

Pustilnik. Yeah, that's fucking great. As it is. And they look exactly the way you think they look. That's exactly what they look like, by the way. Whatever vision you had when you heard the accent, that's it right there. And of course, I'm Robert Kelly. I have

my my family is fucked all of your people at some point. Who are you? You are literally are just like financially. Yeah. Yeah. There is a financial, there's a food chain because all people, the Danes obviously, fuck both the Irish and the Icelandic. Yeah, so there is and then you fucked us. We did fuck you. But we did we fuck you first. Didn't we come in and fuck you after you were fucked? Actually, the Danes say a boat to North America and fuck some people over there.

But your people weren't there at that point. Right. Well, so what do you blame that for? Well, we fucked the Indians before you did. You really really so we can blame that on you. Yeah, yeah We did it first. What did you do to them? Proxies you bring a blanket full of fucking illness because we're friendly We just said I said hi and took a pumpkin stuff like that and just left That's what they did wrong. They made Indians think that we're friendly

Yeah, you came over you're fucking buckles on your shoes. Yeah. And they thought we were good people. And then we showed up and we taught them what the fuck's, they were the deal. Buckles on your shoes. Who are you talking about? They were talking about leaf Ericson.

Yeah, yeah. He was Icelandic, my friend. Oh snap. Oh snap. Oh fucking snap. What's up, motherfucker? There's a statu of him. He's not in Denmark.

Yeah, this podcast was making history, now it's telling history. He said, there was a red guy. Erich is a red. He was not Danish. Well, he was Danish before Iceland. Well, you know, that's semantics. And by the way, Iceland was Danish. Oh shit, they all knew bitch!

They all knew that! That was a little bit later though, wasn't it? Iceland was Danish so Bitch That was a little bit later though It was And then it was Danish oh shit that movie Dennis leery was in Played a tiger I say it and Ray Romano was an elephant motherfucker Ugly really early I'm just gonna cool down now and let you guys stay in the fridge. Oh, dude, keep it going.

I like it. I like this fucking. Do you understand this is why all the war started? This is as simple as it is. Fucking two dudes in it, but no, that's not actually what happened. That's not true. That's not happened. So you needed one war.

Like, first war didn't have that instigation because there was no previous war. But every subsequent war fed off the one that went before. So I love to find out how the first one started. It could have been over a pack of Haribo or something. It was just so it was a fucking Iceland dude in a bar, eating some shark with a fucking Denmark dude, eating some fucking Danish, eating some pig meat. And he was like, pig meat is better. No, shark is fucking better. War. War.

That's how it happened. Yeah. Where do you guys hate each other? Like, are you supposed to hate each other's race? Like, uh, shnow? I think they are not, we kind of like them because they're like a silly cousin that is still out there. Oh, yeah.

But I don't think they like us very much. Really? Yeah. Because you like the stern old brother. You see, the Danish embassy in Reykjavíik in Iceland still has like a shape of a castle because it seems like they're ready to be attacked from everybody I think it just goes to show that Danish are more aristocratic than Icelanders are you need a castle that's like you have to have a castle that's fucking I'm a writer when you go on

tour I need a castle to sleep in when I'm doing an open mic spot in Reykjavik so oh shit we offered you a normal house, but you're like, do you have any castles around for us? There is no moat with this one. We have standards. I can picture somebody leaving the gig that we're about to do like, about 11 p.m. going, yeah, it's a really good gig, but there seems real tension between Iceland and the Canadian. I just want to let everybody know that listen to my podcast. It's not me. It's not my show.

This is the way comics are. OK. I didn't. I'm in another fucking country. We're not in my studio. It's not the regulars. These are fucking other committees. Iceland and fucking Denmark.

And they go, that's what we do. We fight each other. We argue. We bus balls. That's what we do. You guys have the English, right? You hate? Yeah, but they're not here now.

So there's no, I've no, I've no, I've never found something. I can fake an English accent. Do you want me to, let's see, let's hear it. All right, you know, it's fucking thing, yeah. You're fucking got your little beard there, mate. You get some fucking cheese after. I would rate your vowels is about 48% correct. I don't know what a vowel.

I don't know what a vowel is. I think your count is. What is a vowel? It's the bits in between the letters. And a robot. The bits in between. The letters that you touch your tongue off through your mouth. There's more like you.

Nothing worse than a smart Irishman. Nothing. I like the ones that just fight. There's more like an Australian accent when you've been hit with a shovel in the face before. That was the wordiest thing I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, that's not a sound fight is it? I think all most most the podcast is just gonna be bits in between the day and the Iceland guy having cuts off each other It's strange actually is going this way because we're really good friends. I know you guys love each other

You guys have something we untag him instinctually. You don't like like deep down It's it's bread in you. Yeah, you know, this would be good and conquer you're pitting me against him And you were afraid you know, and we're always friends with the Jew. We always have a Jewish guy. Yeah Yeah, I'm sorry, but let's have a beer after this. Yeah, let's forget about these guys It's like this American foreign policy like you create Separatists, so We didn't even know it exists. It's not as going to be a guerrilla campaign for Icelanders in Denmark. It's like the new ISIS without the eye. Yeah, the weakest ISIS of all time.

The weakest ISIS, just the palest ISIS. That would be a fun... Can't fly during the day. That would be a fun game show. The weakest ISIS, like, wherever you get to be growing. You are the weakest ISIS. Well, have you seen... I love... that's my favorite thing on

Facebook right now is is there's a couple people that just post these fucking bloopers with ISIS like they load a fucking cannon wrong and the guy doesn't know what it do it just fucking explodes and you they just slow-mo the fucking body flying away yeah yeah oh it's a lot of... She had ease do the funniest things. Yeah, I did. To die on playing a bomb. Oh yeah, it would be a fuck up a lot. It would be a really weird califord, you know, to have in Denmark or go in Iceland,

which is just men being really angry and say women can't walk in the street unless they're really drunk and slotty. And that's just the way we want to. And no way else you can do it. Yeah. I love, I, what happened? Like the religious government that they're ISIS? That's the thing. Yeah. Yeah. They want to have, oh, they want to have that. Yeah. Dude, see, dude, I lose sometimes I lose some shit in your accent. I lost the beginning of it.

Okay. I got a really good old one. No, please. Let's just do it again. Let's just do it again, because no one else heard it either. Hey, how long you guys heard about ISIS in Europe? How long have you guys even heard about ISIS? Well, the name changed every week. Yeah. So how long have you been here in that term? This new group of ISIS or ISIL?

ISIL. I still... I still want to pack of ISIL. How long? About eight months, ten months? Eight months. It sure seems new. Yeah. And then it started as Isles, then it was Isles, then it was Ice. I think it's back to Isles. I think it's

back to Isles. Isles is way better though. French call it like Dutch. Which is the acronym in Arabic. What if that makes a difference when you're doing the air raids or not, but maybe it's just the French wanting to be different. It's just brandy. Everything is different in France, like NATO. No, no, no. We'll talk. Like a new pub.

You know what they call ISIS in Paris? CZ. We call it CZ. And we don't say AIDS. We say CZ. Terrorist with cheese. But is this a whole new group or is this just Alcada rebranding itself? They were kicked out of Alcada because they were two like street or real.

Is this like the New York nets? Alcada were like, listen man, I know we do some stuff but you're kind of given us a bad name here. So the guy who leads ISIS because he was too mad. What was it? Was he lop in papers heads off Yeah, that kind of thing he was just like completely insane with the crew crucifixion They brought crucifixion back into fashion. Oh, I'm going to that happen. I was waiting for that Yeah, it's a crucify people they crucify people as examples to other people Did they do it the way they did it? Did they kill them and then put them on a cross?

Or did they do it the way they did it back in the day where they were alive when they did it? I think they did it in old school. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think like those guys would go like real less like fucking old school. You know, fucking terrible that is. Just to hear somebody screaming on a cross. Oh, it's real nail. Each one of his limbs up one at a time. There's like people who do that. There's a thing for Easter, right? They go to the Philippines and they get crucified. Well they don't die but they're really getting a tie up they get tied up. They get nailed through the hands. They don't get the nail isn't suspending them but their hands are tied but they aren't taking a nail through the hand. So it's like a... Which hurts but it... Yeah I think the foot, I'm getting it.

No, which hurts, but really, I think the foot, like conceptually you can imagine, you know, that you might take one through the hand, but not through the instep. But don't you think that the whole crown of thorns, that they do that as well, right? They bear the cross and they put the crown on, that seems more painful. Yeah, the crown of thorns. No, but if you don't move much If you just sort of like rest it there It's just like a needle you put a little bit of needle in your face and then it's just there. It's like acupuncture

You know, but actual thorns you can just rest it on there. I'm gonna scratch you. Yeah, I've done it I've done it for Halloween when you I went to Jesus and you wore crown of thorns I a real crown of thorns that my grandmother made me. And in her, but I didn't like. I'm kidding. I didn't know. You're grandma made you. Fucking be honest. You're so cool.

Oh yeah. Bobby, go as Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm kidding. Make me proud. It seems out there. I'm going to tell Father Brian that you went as Jesus Christ. Could we put some cotton in this crown? Now it has to be original.

That's me really. I think a foot, a spike through the foot would be worse than a crown. Apps of fucking life. Do you think a spike through the foot or shin or a spike through the hand would be worse? Hand isn't worse because I've actually been stabbed in the hand and it's not that much. There's not many nerves. It's a lot of meat and gooey caroling. But you could probably go in between them.

And you can miss the bone at the time. And a lot of magicians, right between your thumb and your index finger, you can kind of go through. I've been stabbed there. But that's not what they do it. They do it down the middle. But they do it down the middle. Yeah, by magicians.

What did you question? Did you question as an integrity? I actually, I want to- It's just a slight of hand. Yeah, I was like, Chris's just a slight of hand. Yeah, I was like, Chris Angel, you're not fucking levitate. I know how you do that, and then I levitate it. I did.

Wouldn't it kind of go through your hands? Yeah, this is true. If you're hanging by it, wouldn't the nail eventually like go through? Oh, you guys said. Yeah, this boat here is right here. Thomas, that mic's for you, So grab a chair and sit down the The CEO the founder of the first ever Copenhagen Comedy Festival that brought us all together just pulled in

He is a fantastic looking of course. He's gorgeous his son walked in behind him Which literally makes him look like a four and a half he goes from a 10 to a four and a half when his fucking broad shoulders, blonde sun walks in. And he's, look at him, look at this guy. I mean, it's like a superhero sperm you have. Like, can he fly? What is he fight crime on a bike? What does he do? He does look like a young Thor.

He does, right? Are a guy that beats karate, Kaden, like the seven. Oh, yeah. I can fucking listen to you, if you're under a karate. I can take it from my life. Karate coming out of you is a magical thing. How you doing?

Very good. Yes. We go to the grand finale tonight. The grand finale, yeah. We're going to have fireworks. Absolutely. I'm surprised. It was just the pre-cursor what we saw the other night.

We're going to work out the sound, too, right? Yeah. I think tonight we're going to have sound on. We're going to have sound. That's fucking fantastic. It's not going to go in and out during the whole say, hey, well, you're here. This is what I heard last night So anyways, I was going down the thing and I got to go to bed and yeah, let me just I'm a fat fuck Yeah, who are you? What's going on? Fuck off suck a dick dick fuck fuck. There was so many words missing people thought you were 10

Missed all the bits of material I love fucker when Eric gets a joke he goes haha The best so so yeah, this is this is the crew. We're missing one guy Darryl who's from South Africa Darren sorry fuck I'm never here. I'm sorry, but But we replaced him with a very funny Irishman and how you join the first ever Copenhagen festival. Absolutely. It's been a fantastic experience to see. Also see the event grow from evening to evening and see how people start to get the whole thing better and better and see you all warm up and

better and better. So it's fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty amazing and again people, he sounds exactly what he looks like. It looks like what exactly he sounds like I mean I have dyslexia. I think he looks like the second last guy to die in a die-hards movie I actually have. Or maybe the like I don't I think he's the guy that does like does the coding where he starts yelling I almost got it give me some slack You don't even mean where he's panicking and then, and then he gets away, and he's driving away, and all of a sudden, like another guy falls, the main bad guy falls off the building. He dies in ironic death.

I run, yeah, yeah. You're funny, yes. One of those were you thinking, I think he's gonna make it. Ah, no. Yeah, he gets killed by the black guy in the diehard movie. And then the main bad guy kills the black guy,

and then it's just the white guy. It's the white good guy. I'm still disturbed by Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when they're hanging off the creepers on the side of the cliff. And the main bad guy kills his own henchmen in order to save him. I know what happens.

I'm not an innocent. I know. But I still remember it. I mean, I'm not an innocent, you know, I know. But like, I still remember it, you know, I mean, I remember that bit and the bit where they ripped a heart out. That's all the two bits I remember from that movie. I just feel it's so bad for Group Moral. Like that kind of situation, like, you know, you think of any company where, you know, the boss just completely takes the pace out of his most loyal worker. And it just, it just, Moral just goes downhill after that. Because the bad guy has to be thinking about what's

going to happen post-insciented. You must have been a really embarrassing meeting after that. OK, guys, I know it got a little crazy over there. But do remember. If he believes that he's gonna get away, if the bad guy believes he's gonna get away, then presumably he's got some plan

to start again with whatever child sacrifice enterprise he's gonna do. So he's got to think I'm gonna need some people. And then I'm gonna come, because they're gonna be like, dude, I hear what you do the fucking child. Yeah, it's gonna be so hard. Like build a team after that. Yeah, you fucking rip Charlie's shot at,

and Ming Long Ding, you threw him right off the fucking mountain. Yeah, and how do I know that's not gonna happen again? I know, like, All I can do is promise you that I will try not to do that. That's all I have. That's all I can say. I am a bad guy after all. Yeah, yeah.

Those assurances are worth nothing to me, you know. It's gonna be a good talk. Well, that's how we got the religion of the first place. Yeah, probably be able to convince some people. You probably, like, go on to set up like a really odd church in the deep south United States. I make a lot more money as well, in a huge covering up theaters.

Get some snakes. Get a couple of fucking rattlesnakes. So we went, you took me today to a castle. Yeah. It was fucking crazy. And you knew the lady. That was the crazy part. How do you know a cacillion?

I know someone owns a castle. Is it a cacillion? This is called a castelan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty crazy. It was a beautiful place. What's this called? It's called footland. What is it's called? It's called Fruitsland. What is it called?

It means the place of pleasure. You know you got to know that's when it's in your name. Yeah, it was, you know, it was, it was really unbelievable. I mean we pulled up and and I thought there was going to be guards and all this fucking craziness. And there was just, it was just this lady, this beautiful Danish lady. And she just had some boots on it. She goes, you want a tour? Like they start talking. And I knew what you were saying. But you started talking.

Yes, but I could tell by the way, the mailman was pissed because I knew he was mad. Oh, definitely, the flick of whatever the fuck he said. And he was banging the mail. A sad accident now. And then, and, it's a flick of whatever the fuck he said. And he was banging the mail. That's what he said, actually. And then we took a tour of this amazing castle. That's crazy, man. Could you imagine living in a fucking castle?

I'm not just a building. It's built to look like a castle. And you know, this is an ambition for all comedians, because Eilish owned by probably the biggest comedian that Denmark had, which is the smallest comedian in the world. Victor Boe. Victor Boe, is that? You know him? Victor Boe. probably the biggest comedian that Denmark had, which is the smallest comedian in the world. Victor Bolch? Victor Bolch, is that?

Victor Bolch. Oh, Victor Borje. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Borje. He's from Denmark. He's from Denmark. Yeah, yeah. He's got a young comedian, especially.

He hosts a young comedian special. He did? Yeah. He did? He did with the piano. Yeah, yeah. He wears American flag suspenders. Yeah, he was really happy with it.

Really? How long ago was this? That he was a big deal. Oh, he died 10 years ago. And he owned the place for 25 years and sold in the 60s to this family. Really? He left after that. Back then.

He left in Margot the World War II, right? I think so. And he left because he was Jewish. So he left for the US and made a career over there. I think they took over the place that you owned in the... So 50s, OK. So wait a second. He lived here in the 60s and then sold it and went to America.

So he lived in an America for how long? All of his career. He came back on a yearly basis to come to the country. So he's an American. He is a Danish American, yes. So he's an American comedian. Yes. So you really can't claim him as a Danish comedian.

I don't know how much so. Every time. Give them one. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. Let me check that away from us.

Hang on, I mean, I already have to talk. And you want to give them this? I don't know, man. I don't know. I mean, look at the lip't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. and they're all clapping and you're putting his hands up like the stop, stop so we can get started, you know? And then they finally slow down and he goes, thank you.

And then this huge puff of smoke has been holding in for the last 45 seconds. Just comes out, like he had just smoked before he went out. And you know what he was like, what the fuck? That's the opening line I've ever seen. Yeah, he always smoked on stage. Yeah. I, that's, I, it's one thing about being over here is I want, it makes me want to smoke.

Oh yeah. For sure. For sure. For sure. I don't know what the fuck you guys do to make smoking look so sexy and cool. I remember the first time I went to Amsterdam, all I did was smoke cigarettes and drink fucking little baby coffees. And I loved life all day.

And I come back here and I'm like, I just want to smoke. I always want to go outside and all day just have cigarettes, just chain smoke, you're fucking weird cigarettes, and have delicious coffee. It's because the people here are so good looking, it looks like they're all smoking in a movie. Yeah, they're really good looking over here. Yeah, they are.

It's almost ridiculous. Like the gene pool you have over here. Where does it come from? We exported for some hundred years during the Viking Age. And it spread all over. Is it from the Vikings? I guess that's a popular theory, yes. The Irish got that show. I think the theory is that we went everywhere in the northern part of Europe

and then just took the best looking ladies back. Yeah, I think that's what it was. They pillaged, they weren't going to bring the Ugoes back. So we went to Iceland and we went to Ireland and we just picked the callum Ugoes. Yeah, they call them Ugoes. You girls, you're coming with us. Com, com, com, sure, as yesterday, how the remaining people look like, so. Oh snap, yeah.

Yeah, but it's a joke I tell to myself, so it's okay. You say what I want to know, because you often hear the two words with the Vikings say, the rape and pillage. I want to know, how do you pillage? How do you know your pillage? You go in the house and grab the bread and the cheese and a cup and drink the wine and maybe a chicken. Yeah.

That's the pillage. What is pillaging? Is it just stealing everything? I guess you do. What about selling houses on fires? That's pillaging. It's like stealing in bulk. I think that's afterwards. It's like looting.

It's today's looting. Yeah, I like the idea that burglars would start pillaging as well. Because burgers are so selective. They're all looking for things of high value. But I actually like to get a burger, like stealing your cartons. And I was in tune with him. He's going out the the window with the loot and he just takes the cartons and just some other thing that he doesn't need like an ornament or one of those snow gloves.

He's stealing a chair that you will go through out. Because I guess pillaging must be very demoralizing. Well pillaging. If you come back to your house and it's been pillaged, like you're going to take it three days before you do any kind of revenge. We understand. Back in the day, they didn't're going to stand back in the day. They didn't have, they had nothing in the house.

You know what I mean? So it's not like you could, you could fucking rob it for a specific, there's no Sony, you know, fucking PlayStation, there's not a plasma, there's no jewelry, it's just a house, you know, with like fucking tool cups, a wooden spoon and a fucking, a thing of cheese they just made. So you got to kind of pillage it, you know what I mean a fucking, a thing of cheese they just made. So you gotta kind of pillage it. You know what I mean? You gotta kinda just grab some shit out of it.

I'm gonna take that cup. I'm gonna take that fucking, what is that, I don't even know what that is. What is that, a shutter? I'm taking that shutter, because I need a shutter. I need, I don't have shutters. And a really primitive, so I'm gonna take that hot little blonde 13 year old too.

Throw that girl over my shoulder. She's not an ego. Leave that redhead ego right over there. That's fang tooth. Get that fang tooth redhead to fuck out of here. The one who opens the tins. That one's pickles. That's funny.

Yeah, pillaging is such a nicer way to say it. Maybe it's like crack and cocaine, where they just call it pretty much black people, what they do, they just call it crack, so they can make it a harsher punishment. Maybe black people are like looters. The rich whites are pillagers. Are you a fear who said that?

I'm Robert Kelly. I don't agree with anything. Are you a fear of a dissaver? And I'm not Jewish, so I can't say these things. I'm a white person, so I will not say anything, unless it's against terrorism. I can say things against terrorism. Terrorists are bad people.

Yeah, you're allowed to do that. Yeah, I'm allowed to say that. And Indian's still probably. I can't fuck. You can't fuck with it. You know what, man, I will never... I've actually gone into two altercations with Indian dudes and I've never met a prideful, more prideful man.

A more alpha male. They're very alpha male. They're very... never met a prideful, more prideful man. A more alpha, they're very alpha male. They're very powerful. They're very prideful. Which American Indian are, no, Indian Indian. Well, in the airport, I don't know. Oh, Indian Indian, like Aziz. So I would, I was in the airport and the guy kept hitting me

in the back of the Achilles with his fucking luggage cart. And I let it go like five times and I gave a couple, t's, you know a couple t's you know just to let you know back the fuck up and and he didn't take it he did it again I go hey I cook you stop hitting the back of my leg oh anyway you don't yell at me I went well you hit in the back of my leg goes you don't yell at me you don't you I go, you're hitting the back of my leg. Don't yell at me. He didn't give a fuck.

He was like four, two, you know, 100 pounds. You're like an eyebrow missing. He didn't give a fuck. He was gonna beat the fuck out of me. You don't yell at me. You can tell me, if I had said, hey, can you please, he would have probably said, okay? But he yelled at me.

No, I would have had some other problem. Really? Yeah, don't yell at problem. Really? Yeah, what don't yell at me? It's like, well, adjust the issue though. I love Irish you, he can immediately in an argument figure out the fused point of view and just say, no, but just the issue. You hit me first. Okay, I don't yell. I don't yell. I don't think that situation was missing was Ari wandering over saying, I couldn't help it over here, the situation you're having here.

And I just, you know, let's just take a step back. I'll address the issue that I believe was first raised. And then the Indian guy says, you don't try logic with me. You know. LAUGHTER Yeah. Who said Irish people are't funny. I mean nobody

I heard an Italian guy say let's her know Strangest area type I heard they're not very funny Hey, I heard those fucking Irish guys have funny. Yeah, those clock seconds those mix over there They're not fucking funny. No idea what sarcasm is whatsoever They fucking listen to you two and fucking yell at each other and then get drunk and shit on each other's chests Mixed out that final thing that is Hey another chest shit in you two sessions tonight. Yeah, let's do that so Cheshire and you two sessions tonight? Yeah, let's do that. So, yeah, it was this whole Denmark thing,

this whole Copenhagen Comedy Festival, it's international. You wanted people from all over. You didn't want just people from Denmark, you didn't want just people from America, you wanted people from as many places you could get. And this is its first year. And this is something you want to do,

because Denmark comedy scene is what? I mean, you both can talk on this. It's nonexistent. It's small. It's new, what? I think my comment is that and velvety is much more engaged than in the film. Okay, so let him talk first.

So I think I'll give the word to him. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Tom, great. So I think that we have a very big Danish comedy scene. A lot of comedians seem to come out more or less with the same topics every year and a very... Some of them are very talented, but it just seems to be a little bit in-bred. In-bred. In- In bread, yeah. Relax. Not I sleep relax.

So we keep our bread. No, I have some bread over here. Not without. Putin. Putin. Oh, and so I thought that what I've experienced traveling around seeing international comedy shows on business trials and others, I thought that we could have more of that in Copenhagen just to have more of that in Copenhagen just to have more flavors to choose from.

And it has been absolutely great to have a New York experience in Copenhagen. It's the diversity that you see from different nationalities. I think so, it's a fantastic purpose. These stereotypes that we have about each other are so greatly addressed through humor. And I think that lifts any reflecting person will appreciate that.

And you leave a comment show like that with a lot of new angles on many issues. I think that's great. Right, that's great. What do you think? Well, I think there is a potential for comedy, not just in Denmark, but in all of Northern Europe. A lot of countries are starting to have more English speaking comedy

and especially countries that didn't use to speak that much English. But we have big expert communities and we have a lot of young people who learned to speak English early on. And they want to watch really good comedy. We have a really good comedians in Denmark, but it's not profitable to be working as an English speaking comedian in Copenhagen. So everybody's just speaking Danish

because that's what the money is. Now is there, there's a lot of funny Danish comics? Is there a way we could get one of them on the show? I think you have one coin. Oh. What is he, Chuck Liver? I like that Thomas with the answer it. I'm kidding you asshole.

He's right here. I'll just get one of the other ones. One of the funny ones. Oh, you know it's funny. Here's the other one. I don't know if Harry can attest to this. Sometimes you go to other countries. I've been to Canada.

I've been to Amsterdam.. Sometimes you go to other countries, I've been to Canada, I've been to Amsterdam, and sometimes you go there, the local, you go on these shows, and you're like, oh, fuck me, oh God. It's like, fuck, like this guy stinks. And you know, you like fucking wawi, wihih. I got a fucking deal with this. You know what I mean? hey, what's up?

Yeah, how are you after every set hey? Yeah, well the most we're doing great though Not yeah, but I think every that I that's my point here everybody on the show is fucking killing it Which is great. It's like a relief like everybody's fucking hilarious in their own way So you really did pick a great line up of guys. I mean, he vows killing it. Well, there are any countries that you wanted to get, or that wanted to get in, but you were like, I'm not fucking having that country in my festival.

Actually, yeah, Mexican comics. Actually, I had an ambition when I started. Remember to future proof your answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm not ambition when I started. Remember to future proof your answer. Yes, yes, yes. I'm ready. I'm not deleting any of this. I haven't done 40 repos a long time. I can do that.

Robert, please, could you delete the part where I say, I don't want anybody from Portugal. You're spucking Budapesters. Yeah. Sputor, you're sputor. You're fucking high. You can say whatever you want. I think that it's, I had Iranian guys, and I had,

I like to have something controversy. So it would be nice to have an Iranian and a Jewish guy at the same show. The ISIS comic. The American American. The American. He'll be jumped up the heading. He never got a bad somebody in your, your,

your swords all dull right It takes like 10 11 chops to get just through his head. He's screaming like come on man. We doing this or not You gotta hold him record on the fucking camera and you start doing a lot of Ahmed right and then I was then you run out of battery And then fuck the bomb blows up and the fucking America You got a hope with an ISIS comic that he's not a prop comic either. I'm walking out there. It's funny. He's like, oh, I need my bag. What do you need your bag for?

Just leave the bag backstage. Oh, you have to make it back. Oh, don't leave your bag. Don't leave your bag. I don't. Don't leave your bag. I feel bad that I took. I'm just going to leave my bag on the tent and then this phone.

I took Ari's joke and I did it worse right after him on the same show. Literally, he just did it and I went and did it after. Same exact joke. You guys added to it, I just did the same exact thing. What first thing to joke? Did we build upon though? If we built on the shit first and ours is shit also. Right, that's good.

You're right. So I was a buffer to give you guys a sec. I There was a comic. I don't know if you know hood member hood No, Iranian guy worked the seller in hood His name was hood and I know it's just name was hood. I don't I don't fuck it I'll go go later. No, he was I Iranian Iranian No, he was a Iranian, Iranian. Staying on topic, he was Iranian. But right after he stopped working the seller, they stopped giving him a veils.

At 9.11? No, before 9.11. Then 9.11 came, and the owner of the comedy seller, had him working all shows on the weekend. Because one of his bits, he had a fucking bomb under his shirt. Jeez. So he'd be like, you know, I forget what the bit was. They would do that after 9-11.

Dude, the fucking week after this in the mid. What did the crowd do? Dude, it was a little, dude, we all ran down just to wait to see. Another girl. Somebody, and he fucking killed. It killed. It fucking killed, dude. Like, can he killed?

Yeah, fuck. Yeah. You went off evening. But I was fucking nervous, you know, because, you know, he worked in the World Trade Center and he wasn't there that morning, so, I'm thinking that out. He was gonna show up one day,

it's gonna be like, good, whole fucking cell is gonna go up. But yeah, it was fucking nuts. Nuts! And for him to do it, it's such a shit thing as a comic, you're like, you probably don't wanna do it. You probably just wanna do your act, your other act. Let me just do it two It's such a shit thing as a comic. You probably don't want to do it. You just want

to do your act here. Other act. Let me just do it two weeks before. The same one. Two shins. You got to point again. Oh my God. Something should address the issue of the thing in the shins. What are you doing? With the guy, the Indian guy hitting you. Still thinking he didn't get the license. It was a kille.

Yeah. It was the Achilles. Oh yeah. The back, you know, you put your suitcases on the cart. Yeah. And that little bottom part, the bumper, which is a Kile high. Exactly.

Yeah. How did he keep hitting you? I don't know. I have a big problem with being in lines. I don't fucking touch the person in front of me. And you have enough room to swing around with a backpack on. So if you have a purse problem with being in lines. I don't fucking touch the person in front of me, and you have enough room to swing around with a backpack on. So if you have a purse or a backpack,

not going anywhere, well, both, it doesn't matter. I leave my bag behind me now as a buffer. I actually hit people, I'll leave my backpack on and I will swing. So try to hit them. And try to hit them. Like horse grant. Just fucking swing an elbow.

Absolutely, yes. Absolutely, I will swing around. So try to hit them and try to hit them like horse grant Just fucking swing an elbow Absolutely, I will swing around and if I'm walking through and there's a like ever being a Airport store and there's a lady with her fucking, you know huge pocketbook Uh-huh, and you can't get by I'll just fucking bump. I'll just fucking plow through and she'll twist like what the fuck Fuck you your pocketbook is behind you. Yeah You got a bag, fuck off, you know, I hate that. So he hit me in the line and then we sat there and argued and you can, what's wrong? Oh.

I'm telling this time he's gotta go to work. Oh, okay. Hey, I need someone to work the farm. He just threw a fucking candy at his kid. Who a hardy-bought Laura right now. And it's trying not to make noise and we just heard. He doesn't record it. Yeah, but I heard the candy just fucking bounce off the floor. They're gonna think I'm so loud. It's not to make noise and we just heard it recording. Yeah, but I heard the candy just fucking bounce off the floor.

They're gonna think of it. It's so villains. The super villain star movies. It's incidents like from there. It's all his issues with their father. One of the things that triggered it was, he true fucking candy at me. Yeah.

That's great. He's gonna fucking sabotage. He's gonna fuck up the sound last night, because he's mad at you. Through candy at me. You at you Through candy at me You don't throw candy at me Your sound was a fat guy that would be so much meaner Just throw candy on me because there's a fat guy staring at you right now. Oh, I look away from you on purpose

And that's make it feel like it was about you. Yeah, I I don't fuck with Indian dudes at all and cab drivers to a New York city They're fighting they argue with those Indians. they had they don't like to lose an argument they will not lose an argument they have a very prideful people thumbs down really yeah why don't because of that sort of behavior really normal it stops smelling like curry all the time right that goes too far again that was a reshear he is a skeptic man. He's at Ari Shafir on Twitter, and he is Jewish, so he can say these things. Because his people were fucking... You're listening to this Jewish American life in PR.

I'm gonna lie. We had this game named Akash in college, and we used to always say it's my like hurry whenever he walked in a room. And I'm like, you smell that? You're like, you guys stop it, it's not funny anymore. I smell something, oh, the cash are here, I wonder, it knew it was curry or something.

That's not funny. Even your triad ain't in your store. There's a bit racist. Yeah, it smells like curry in here, we're like, oh, it's called curry house. I'm like, mm, come on, man. Have some class. By, you have a problem with the nines? Yeah, they're pushy.

That's a big problem. I use the curry smell as an insult to hurt the people that are pushing. I don't think it's pushy. They don't like to use arguments. I think it's their pride. I think because in their country, there's so much, you have to fuck you. There's so many people, there's so much poverty. It's like, fuck you, I don't care.

I will die in the streets to say, you don't yell at me, you don't embarrass me. Because it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah, some type of pride, some weird honor and pride. No, no, actually, it's like a 24 million people. They don't do that. You don't think that's like a personal space issue? Yeah, that's why he's bumping in the first place,

but not quite. We, if I was Indian and you were confronting me, you were intruding my personal space in a way that my culture is not a part of my problem. Not a problem. So you are stepping over a lot. Out of nowhere. Yeah, out of nowhere.

So it's my fault. Yeah, you're right. It's always so incredible. Why did you put your killer seal there?. So it's my fault. Yeah, you're in his eye. It's always the same thing. Why did you put your killer seal there? I think he's an asshole. Absolutely. I think he was an asshole. I don't think he knew he did it, but I don't think he carried.

He was doing it, and then I snapped that typical fucking. I probably shouldn't have snapped. I should have said, hey, can you stop. I should have gave him at least one. Hey, you hit me in the back, can you stop doing that? Which is, I don't know if that, I think that's the hardest thing in the world to do because when you're in your own head building up a resentment

for fucking eight minutes and you're already panicking because you have to fly and you're missing blah blah and you have anxiety and then someone's hitting your Achilles and you're like, this motherfucker, this, what the fuck? This and then he does it again. What the fuck, stop hitting me? You hit my, that was probably a little overboard. So basically you've had all the,

all the reasonable interjections with him have been had internally, and he's the only one he hears. That's usually, that's actually my M.O. with everything. You're a process. I literally have, I have, I have arguments with people in my own head. You had yesterday. What's that? What's that?

Saying, building up, wasn't it you saying, building up the argument with your wife? Yes. That it builds up inside you and then your hand. Oh, it's me, that was me. Yeah. Well, he just wishes it was me. Yeah.

Oh, unbearable look. Just trying to remember a good joke that you made. Oh, no. We didn't say you fucking Denmark comics more witty. I can't remember any really. We got the joke. Don't do it twice. That's a real good one.

It's a fucking smash by a Viking. I, uh, so we have one more show one. It's gonna fucking smash by a Viking. So we have one more show tonight. It's done. And then we all go on and you leave tomorrow. Yeah, you leave tomorrow. Everybody leaves tomorrow except for me. Yeah. This thing actually day. I'm just gonna tivoli to go to what? Tivoli what's tivoli? The amusement park. No, it's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open until the post-it-to-weeks. No, I love that. He took me to the amusement park and it was closed and he took me right to the red light district. Yeah's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. It's not open. just a typical fucking. It's the same fucking chick that's in Tempe, Arizona. Same fucking whore. You know what I mean? The same fucking whore, she just speaks

seven different languages over here. Holy as a PhD. A PhD. Oh, that'd be so fucking fast. And I think have you ever been with a hooker? No. Never. Never. It's weird. You've been with a hooker? No. Never. No. You've never been with the huger. Why is that a big shock to you? Well, I don't know. Is this like a right of passage you have to go through in America? Son, I'm gonna get you a hooker for your tenth birthday. I mean, it's actually the eighth. But yeah. Do you wanna? What about you? No. Never been with the hooker. No. Thomas? No, neither. What? Never been to the massage parlor. Never. Never. Never got a hand job. No. Thomas? No, neither. What?

Never been to the massage parlor. Never. Never got a hand job. Never. Never got a hand job. Not a massage parlor? No. Never got a massage parlor.

I never got a massage parlor. You ever get a hooker? Oh, I had one this morning. No, you didn't. How you kidding me? You were kidding me? Are you kidding me? Dude.

Listen to me. What's that? There wasn't a language thing that she might have just been doing the room. No, you deal with the kind of phone. Oh, yes, management, make up the room. Wait a minute. You got a fucking hookah today? Hey, let me ask you a question.

Remember that? I went to a castle. I thought that was the shit. You get fucking hookers. You run bikes and fucking get in hookers. Remember that scene? What's that series of movies with Jack Ryan where Harrison Ford played like a

young food October kind of thing? Well, what's it? Whatever that scene was. Remember the one they had the IRA one? And there was that hot chick who found that dude at the bar, that hot red chick, head chick, and she was like, hey, come upstairs. And she fucked that guy and then murdered him.

Yeah, yeah. Did you know that girl? No, I did not. She was so hot. She may not even have been Irish. Oh. So, this is Patrick Gems. Patrick Gems.

Yeah, Patrick Gems. Did you say you didn't get a hooker this morning? No. Oh, mother fuck, have you ever gotten a hooker? Yeah, I have. What was the last time you got one? A few years ago. A few years ago.

Yeah. Really? I went by in China when I was like, you went by, you fucked a dude? No, I just went and walked. Oh, I'm sorry. It's all white men there. How you fucked it all white guy in China but I was like you went by you fucked the dude no I just went walking oh I'm sorry it's all white men there how you fucked it all white guys in China yeah they make the best ones fuck isn't it oh dude unless you had an older white man China the country are just a giant I know it's skeptical they move most of the production from Europe and to China

I know reasons for that foreign production yeah it's cheaper so so is in China you They moved most of the production from Europe and to China. A recent film production. It's cheaper. So, is in China you bang the hooker? No, I did not. Oh, I thought you just said you bang the hooker, China. I would buy there, look, but it ain't getting me. Right. Let's see if we can hear what they're saying. I like how his words ring even though he's talking in. Another language.

The guy with no hair is either one. And this thinks a bullet's three or ten. So I'm just going to do what I'm thinking to do. And he lays a piece of candy on my forehead. That's his thing. You got to go? No, we just need to fix the sound. Okay, let's fix the sound.

You come back up when you're done. We need to fix the sound. Okay, yeah. All right. So we're going to do that. All right. So anyways, we'll go for a couple minutes I'm like down on the cords. It doesn't like make a bang. I Fucking I've had a blast this week. I've had a good time man. What a what a good festival, right? Yeah, it's great Do you have a good time? Yeah, I love one the side conversations going on the guy's

That the one in the movie. Oh, sorry. This is still We're still going you fucking ass. We're not on a fucking bus going to Ireland What are you doing? What are you doing? No, she was the daughter in that what the fuck are you talking about? I'm recording you know, we're talking with a Jack Ryan This people gonna be listening and they should listen to what we're saying well You haven't said anything or a bird because you keep talking about other stuff I'm trying to get you to fucking explain what it is. You fucking get a guess stop back and like you have your own podcast.

Thor a birch is in train. What was that movie? No, Patriot game. Patriot game. Who is that? I think she was a daughter. He said maybe that's the hot red. Can I see?

Oh, let me see. Oh, good. Let's do this later. How's that sound? Oh, what's up? My phone. You're in phone jail, my friend. Let's do this later. How's that sound? Oh, what's up? My phone. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

You're in phone jail, my friend. Phone jail. How's that? All right, typical fucking Irish guy has to mix it up. Ha ha ha ha. It's called cross-platforming, okay? That's what we're doing here. Cross-platforming. I'm not kidding.

I love that. It's a toast to fucking great. It's a business world. You should have a podcast called Cross- Pullming, where you talked to other people from other countries. Two other people simultaneously. So anyways, you go back tomorrow, everybody's gone. I'm here by myself for a day.

Yeah. Which is like it's the worst thing in the world. You're in Copenhagen, Denmark for a day. I get lonely. What am I going to do? All right, jerk it. I already jerked. I jerked it twice since I've been here. I jerked it the day. I get lonely, what am I gonna do? Jarket. I already jerked. I jerked it twice since I've been here. I jerked it a lot, so I've been here.

This is what sucks about jerking into this hotel, okay? Is that, you know, in an American hotel, they give you 95 towels. Not many hand towels, you're right. They give you like three little hand towels, two medium face towels, and then four big fucking towels. Here they give you two big towels and one floor towel. No face towels. Not a problem for me. Why? I'm a sock guy. What does that mean? I don't even know what that fucking means, are you?

I don't use hand towels like a fucking peasant. What do you do? It's where my sock inside out. And gizzin it? And that's not like a peasant? That's like a homeless person. Innovative, man. It's a get get everywhere. So what do you do with the socks? Back in the long hamper. What hamper? There's no hamper here pile of laundry And then when you put them back in your fucking bag in the dirty laundry the dirty laundry when did you clean your laundry? What do you mean after you clean it? I'll clean it in London. You clean it. So three days, so you're going to pack tomorrow and you're going to have a bag full of giz-socks? Yeah, in like where my laundry bag is. Some people have just arrived so I'm sorry. So sorry, I have to give them that. So much of some contact.

I was talking about how to get around the non-face towels in the hotel rooms here. Yeah, you just leave them in your plastic bag. I think this is part of Irish affairs thing against the airport security. Like if you want to open this bag, people are feeling out of this bag. It smells like a pool and fucking, look to the Apple's. Yeah, I just look to the Apple's. Enjoy medical condition. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, you start taking gizz socks that, say, and leave them in the fucking bin. Yeah. Say, there we go. Yeah. Look at my gizz sock. So you know, you're going to have to make them go through your gizz socks. Oh. So there we go. Yeah. My gizzaak. So you know, you're going to have to make a whole through your gizzaak. No liquids, huh?

OK. Well, there you go. Here's a fucking hand towel. I'd like to think that in medieval English, there is an actual word gizzaak that has been, you know, over time, it's guarded by the English dictionary. Well, they found it in the castle. And what is this?

That's an H in gizzaak. Oh, hi. That's a key news to you. It might have been pronounced like gizzaak. Gizzaak. That's where it originally comes from. found it like in a castle and the food is this that's an ancient jizz uh... uh... the key is to use the might be pronounced like jizzic jizzic that's where the original comes from jizzic this jizzic belong to the Henry the fifth

it's been fossilized fossilized jizzic if you want to sit down you can't if you want to sit back down get sit down yo if you don't want to if you can't go talk to your friends i don't want to fuck things up Anyways, I See I always afraid to ask Thomas these things is he's such a sophisticated guy I mean, you know, he was a CEO of a company. He was the head motherfucker and now he's hanging out with us to generates It was just what a what a drop-off for you. Yeah

He's he's slumping it. He's slumming it. He's like a disgraced aristocrat in Victorian England and an opium dance like this. Don't tell anyone. I'm here. And we call him Arnick Niem for him as the professor. Because he knows things. He knows a read.

He went to school, didn't he? What a twat. Yeah, yeah. Ever looked at his pen flip. What does it say? I... I read it to a professor. You and your fancy reading skills. I'm up before the old beat, before the major strike in the morning.

Can you help me with your reading skills? LAUGHTER You're reading skills. I'm sort of channeling Russell man that holds the gizmo. He has a little belt, tingling, tingling, tingling, and he runs in. The jottler. And that probably became a surname after a while. There's probably somebody called Paul Gisworth. And he works in insurance. Yeah.

Where did your name come from, Paul? What's his name? That's an interesting name. Where did that come from? He was one of the apostles. Paul was originally... No, no, no, no, their name. Oh, oh. Oh, it's an interesting story. Paul was originally um no no other name

All interesting stories is worth to his friend Brian Knights. Well my my grandfather's grandfather's grandfather used to Catch the jizz from the king Just catch it. Well my mother comes from a long line of warts and my father was a jizz and she was a feminist So I became just war. It's not an actual, like King Henry the Athe had like an ass wiper, like, you know, the King's privy council was the people who were allowed to be in his toilet room. And I think, like so on, so it's a really high title in the UK and our stockers are not to be on this.

What's a career plan for a guy like that? I don't know, wait for the king to die and watch her. What's your way after that? Yeah, what's your ceiling on that? What are the things? The things guy, and that's it, and you're done. What are the use to wipe the king's ass with? Like, I...

Raw silk. Yeah, feathers. Feathers of extinct birds. Indeed. Indangered birds, feathers. No, I mean, well, does anybody know what they use to wipe asses? I know I could Google it, but I'm in phone jail, so... Oh.

You didn't think that went through, did you? No, no. It's what I mean by cross-platforming, you know? Multi-sources. Multi-source. This one's Siri. It is, I think, fuck is from, what is that, fornicating under King's consent, right? I don't know. That's the name of fuck.

That's the retro-fid. It's a really Anglo-Saxon kind of a Dutch word meaning to pierce or stab or something like that. Oh really, okay, okay. Hold on, so you're talking about piercing or stabbing with your penis into a vagina. Well, I'm not, but the medieval... Dutch. ...freezians were so nice. Not a good picture.

They were just smashing me in my catchphrase. That's what I think, after everything. That's your catphrase and your people, the Irish people. And Indians. Yes, yeah. You don't tell me what I think. That's what I think. Welcome back.

How are we doing? We're doing good. The sound OK? Yes. It's good. Monitor's on. Yes. Everything's working.

Everything. Loud. Yes. Nice. Very nice. New sound guy. Yes. Better than last night. The old one from the night before. Yeah. Oh, Yes. Nice? Very nice. New sound guy?

Yes. Better than last night? The old one from the night before. Yeah. Oh, right. You know the system. He's the best one in Denmark. That's probably the easiest editable part of the podcast.

That last exchange there. You could go in and out of those words perfectly. Yeah. If you edit this, yeah. I don't edit this. Okay. I just air it. I don't have time to fucking edit it.

I edit it one time. I feel so it. I don't have time to fucking edit it. I edited it one time. I felt so bad this guy came on my show. He was on this, they had a show called The Toy Hunter. And he was on and he said some stuff about some things and someone, you know, these people listen to this and they went to the producers and it was a fucking nightmare and it was a fucking night.

He was like, can you put my, I'm gonna get divorced. And it was like, yeah, and I edited it all. So like, what kind of toys was he hunting these sex toys? Like her. I shouldn't even have said the name, cause I'm gonna have to edit that out now. Jesus Christ, me fucking asshole. Hey, I hate about these fucking shows.

You wanted me to be saying anything, cause it's a conversation, you forget it's being recorded. And I just upload it and then I get an email, why did you say that about my fucking mother? Because she was there. Yeah, I did a show for all of us. I did that. You know, like I've done that a bunch of times.

I did it a show one night years ago when I first started comedy. I was doing a benefit for a kid that got shot from my old neighborhood and You know, I I want doing my shit and I look out and there's a girl there that I used to fuck And she was the best fuck in the world. She was my favorite lay. What's her full name? Yeah, fucking Sarah Jessica Parker and Wow And I was like hey, I remember you She's with her guy. Oh, what? And, wow. And I was like, hey, I remember you. She's with her guy.

Oh. But I didn't, you know what I mean? I didn't know I wasn't smart enough to go. I just was like, yeah, man, I mean, her had fun. I didn't say anything crazy. But I shouldn't, I was like, me and you, remember me? We had some good time, so good for you, kid. Something like that.

This guy wanted to beat the fucking piss out of me. He had like 10 guys. And I didn't even think about it. I walked off. That was fun. And then this just fucking 10 guys holding this one guy back. I'm like, oh, shit. What I say, I say all knew what you were talking about. Yeah, that's why. Oh, they all did. Everybody knew. She knew. Her eyes widened up. This fucking girl was the best, the best. Really? Oh, it's a secret. Some girls just like to fuck and don't have a problem with it. Like there's no guilt.

You don't have to, like I remember one time, I had another girl like this and I was doing all the things that we do kissing, gravitating, trying to rub the vagina and get them into it. She went, hey, stop. I'm fucking you. We're gonna fuck. Relax.

Tonight, we're gonna fuck each other. So chill out. That was like, okay. And it was the best fuck of my life. It was the best sex in my life, or some of it, because there was no more pressure. Or two, we just tongue talked made out, A to pussy, talks more, suck my dick,

had some ice cream, you know what I mean? Fucked, it's great, it's fucking great. That's why she was great, she just fucked. She had no problem with it. And I suppose his problem was that you just just said exactly what you've told us just now. I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

I was like, you know what, I like about your chick. She likes the bank. She likes the fuck. She has no problem. She has no guilt of a suck in a cock. Yeah. Wow, that is pretty much it. No, I didn't, I, I in you endowed it.

Like an idiot. I was trying to be funny. And I didn't know how to be funny with that. I was just like, yeah, here lucky guy. We get it for a while, you know what I mean? But you, you don't do that. I was just like, yeah, you're a lucky guy. We get it for a while, you know what I mean? But you don't do that. So some stranger was like, hey, what? I did that again. I was on radio.

And my first girlfriend in the world, I was on radio in my hometown. The number one show in the fucking area. And she called in. I haven't seen her in fucking, fucking 20 years. Maybe longer. And she called, then, hey, it's Kristen. I was like, oh my God, it's my first girlfriend. You know what we were talking?

I was like, oh my God, we did shit in a Toyota. You know, we did stuff in a Toyota, you dream of, you know, it was all like that. Some just silly. Her fucking husband was listening and was pissed. And like she got in trouble. And what do you do? You know why I got pissed?

Because he had to hear about a time she had already fucked someone. It's all for cares. You know what happened? You know I wasn't a virgin when I fucked you. As I mentioned at the one of the times that you already probably knew about, no it's an issue.

Yeah. Possessive. It is a weird, I mean, I don't know. If you, if some guy, if you, if you, if you were at a show and some guy, another comment was said, you'd be pissed. If said that about you, Jacob. Well, there's, if you, if you, if you were at a show and some guy, another comment was said, you'd be pissed if said that about you, Jacob. Well, there's two stages.

One is how you feel, which you can't help how you feel. Yeah. And it is how you react. So you can feel bad. But if you react like a dick, you're still a dick. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's what I was doing.

I was swinging at somebody like, Hey, what the fuck are you doing? You're fighting someone over there. You're weird feelings. Fucking relax. I love you. You don't know what, Jari. You don weird feelings? Fucking relax. I love you so much, Harry. You don't know what I'm saying. I fucking love you.

Do you understand the way he's absolutely fucking 100%? You're fighting somebody over your feelings is fucking one of the greatest things I've ever heard. It really is because I've been that guy in my whole life, that fucking I was taught. It wants to fight. But I never wanted to fight ever, ever. Even when I fought in one I felt like shit.

I would fucking feel sad for that guy's mom, because I know how my mom felt when I came on beat up. And I would feel what happened, who would do this to you? I just, you know, it'd kill me. So that's just so funny. It's right. It gives a fuck about. So many guys don't want to fight though.

Like, now that I'm on... Isn't it justifies it? That's just so funny. It's right. It gives a fuck about so many guys I want to fight though like Now that I'm not just a fizz it a guy just got stabbed over a parking spot in New York this video The in front of his kids. He had his kids in the car He started with this guy this guy was getting the best of them and then he took out a knife and fucking check it father Yeah, the father So fuck this and he just took the knife out. Saps, saps stabbed him twice. And he's twice. He prison stabbed him. So you know, he's been in jail because he didn't, you know, I don't know if you, I do want to

like to stab somebody is harder, the hardest thing in the world to do to shoot somebody's easy. He's pulling trigger to stab somebody. You have to push a knife into flesh. That's not an easy thing to do. You think it would be easy. It's very difficult. You can Slash somebody. Yeah, but actually yeah, you have to push right angles to the yeah, yeah, to the thing you're trying to This guy just went dintly just stabbed him and took it out and stabbed again That's like not even like what did I do? Yeah, he kept as he was in in front of you kid Can you believe that in front of you fucking kid?. It's like Nick. Can you believe that?

In front of your fucking kid. That's how a kid lives. Over a parking spot. That's the hardest thing when I moved out to Westchester. I just recently moved out of Manhattan, Hell's Kitchen, into the suburbs. And I had to, I have to realize now that I have a car again because not having a car, who gives a fuck.

I know the train, I know a cab, I don't care. If I'm in a cab, I'm not driving, it's not my fault. You know what I mean? But when you're in a car, you just feel like you lose, you just get angry. People don't know how to drive, they cut you off. It's just a fun, and I have to learn how to, like, it doesn't, it's none of it matters.

Cut me off. It's like my wife, my wife's like, who cares? Let him go, no, you don't fucking do that. Who gives a fuck? How, what am I gonna fuck it? What am I a superhero? You gotta be the judge and the jury. Yeah.

Somebody's on behavior. It never, like it never ends, like it does in the movies. Like any fight. Like, you know, in the movies where it's like, everybody, you know, they all get a punch and then they go unconscious. And that's okay. And then they wake up a little fuzzy headed.

I think if you got a punch and you were knocked out, it's probably this other damage there and a court case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been knocked out. There are no lawyers in the movies from what I can see. It's right. And here's the thing, when you punch somebody, a lot of times they don't go down.

A lot of times they go, what's the fuck? I was in New York and this fucking little Italian guy from Brooklyn yelling at big fucking dude like you, like Iceland dude, just a big blonde European motherfucker dude with a puffy coat on. And this Italian, you fucking cock sucker you screaming at him and his girlfriend yeah you fucking tell him tell me this car and this guy's just looking at him like are you guys crazy why what what I do I I he's just talking like some fucking accent and he's like relax Rublees relax he's like you motherfucker and I saw the girl

you know he snuck around and go to baseball bat out of his trunk snuck around behind the guy and fucking locked him Where on the hood and the back oh and you heard it was a puffy coat like that Just made this big and the guy turned around. Did you just hit me with a bat? Didn't even affect them and the fucking little Italian guy ran It was the the whole crowd that was watching just started laughing at him and a dumb girlfriend Because this guy Turner any look down do you just hit me with a bat and he was like oh

That's such a shick-o-l way to yeah, that's just say the next thing in that interaction like like because because it it if you like, what the fuck? That's easier for the Italian guy to say something in response to that. But if you put that statement to him, then the Italian guy, he probably ran partly because he was afraid, but also because he didn't want to have to say, yes, I suppose I did just hate you.

He would be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, not very well. Yeah, yeah, I see your point. Yeah. Will he catch a flush or something? Did he not hit him with the end of it? I see he caught him with long ways. The puffy coat was on and he must have caught. I mean look it hurt.

But he didn't catch him. I bet he caught him in a flush way. And your back is muscle if you don't hit the bone. And it hit the puffy coat. This puffy coat was... I didn't win him, which is what the only other thing that could this puffy cut didn't win him which is what the only the only other thing that could have happened yeah it didn't win it did nothing I've seen that a couple times I saw a kid I was fucking with who's the comic the black kid with the smile on the glasses

Kevin Hart dare games now when Roman New York know smaller Keith Robinson no Victor Bolch no Tyrone Johnson there's no tyrone Johnson you just put two black names together probably are Should have just went one name Mudquake Anyways, he he was up front and the guy came come out to me and and he said something to me like oh you're really funny This guy you're not that funny and he pointed at him like you fucking nuts. I go do that's rude No, and this guy was like, yeah, fuck you fuck him get away from me It was like fuck me fuck you and he went he started doing that then Sherrod came out who doesn't take shit from anybody And I've seen Sherrod this guy is a black comic key far. Yeah, I've seen him one punch dudes

And I've seen Shira, this guy is a black comic key, I've seen him one punch dudes. Just fuck, yeah. What? Bang out and then walk away. Just walk off knockout. And they were views yelling, fuck you and his girlfriend, his friend trying to drag you. Fucking, and Shira was like, money, you better get the fuck out. Are you gonna get knocked the fuck out? I was trying to walk him away like, dude, you're gonna get your ass kicked.

Walked him up the street to Ben's pizza. Yeah. And he was still screaming. And these two Italian guys just knew York all the way, walked up, and they would just look in for trouble. You know, these guys looked tough. And they walked out. They had some spare time.

Yeah, and they walked up to him and they go, hey, they go, hey, shut the fuck up. Right? He goes, you say one more fucking word and he's tapping his forehead like this. He goes, you say one more fucking word, I'm gonna fucking knock you the fuck out while he's tapping on his forehead like that. Really?

Just like this. I'm gonna fucking knock you the fuck out. And I looked at him. Remember that one? The two Italian kids. He said it too. The fucking other idiots screaming at charade and all them. And they were strangers.

They had no- Strangers. They were just excited to tell this kid to shut the- These were legitimate tough guys. Wow. And I looked at him. I went, don't do it. And he went, fuck, just they knocked him out. He just went down, I went, don't do it. And he went, fuck, just, they knocked him out.

He just went down and they went, ha, and they just walked the fuck away. And his girlfriend just started dragging him down the street. Like, we gotta catch a train. And if you can, we gotta go, by the way. We're lying around here. Yeah. I mean, but they don't do that here, right?

You guys, well, no no well, the problem is today Yeah, people don't don't just punch you. Yeah, if they punch you and you go down don't stomp on your face Oh, yeah, it's more the fighters that are in the street don't stomp on your face and keep kicking you until you You're well, you're close to dead. Wow, I think that's the worst like You know things things get better in the world kind of thing, but the fact that people jump on people's heads of all, there's no ability in it or anything. It's just scum. No, but you won. You honestly won't. You line down. It's not satisfying enough. I still want some more punching. It's like if you put it more of a fight, it'll be more satisfying. They don't

even punch. It's the kicking. It's like a blood lust kind of thing. That's you know like it's the kicking like that. Yeah, yeah, it's really like a blood lust The kind of thing and that's that's a big it's a big problem and that's why you know just walk away No, man, what people start carrying knives like you said with the guy who just Staps on my front of this kids just what the fuck is going on? And it's the same with with fighting that that it just gets more violent and you just Well you guys fight in Ireland. I mean you guys fight at the drop of a hat, right? No, it's the same time people fight in every country. Yeah, I mean people who see hats being dropped in Ireland

It's the same idiot's like city center Same description, you know most most. I think you can avoid most trouble if you want to avoid trouble. And then every so often, there'll be a random kind of fight. But that's a guy walking home at half-five in the morning, walking past 15 other guys who haven't got laid, have run out of alcohol, maybe on some opiate. The kind of opiate that gives you more energy and you know they're just pissed off after the night and looking for a resolution

with some descriptions, something to talk about, I didn't have to fight through because people are bored. Yeah, you got some good distance with that one. Yeah, I almost fucking took my eye out. I already caught it. With the fights it seems like in the old days It was like a gentleman thing that you would get outside Punch you and you prove was right, but out punch you harder and then you say okay you win Let's go in and have a beer right and that will be the end of it. Yeah, okay sure

Well, I'm not as strong as you are. So let's just get drunk Yeah, now there's a thug culture. Yeah, yeah, that was that was the bad guys I mean those are folks in a city in a country like Iceland, right? 300,000 people, like if you were an asshole, everybody knows about it. So how many assholes do you have? You know, like the kind of people that start trouble outside of pub and reciv.

We have 32 of bona fide assholes. Then we have like 200 Jewish. Is there a website? Is there a Facebook page for your 32 assholes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's iceholes stuff. Iceholes, yeah. Come. Iceholes. Yeah, yeah, Iseholes stuff. Yeah, Iseholes. Yeah, Ise holes and Yeah, we have yeah, we have a dozen can walk away blend into the fucking darkness

You're like that was that was Fjordon Pretty soon you're gonna like with in ten minutes walk you reach the edge of civilization under like a volcano So you have to turn around and face the music There's actually like a... We're over here, yeah, so that's a fucking volcano. I don't know what I've got. We actually, yeah.

But there's like a maximum security prison in Iceland that has the worst rapists and killers, and I've performed there twice. And for a while, it was quite raped. No, no, no, no. Well, in a way, it was a hard gig, but, yeah. Basically, this prison had a problem for a while. prisoners were just always escaping because it was so easy. Even though it's the maximum security, it was quite easy to just escape.

The problem is it's just no point because if you escape, where are you gonna go? You can't hide anywhere. They always caught them. They always caught them like, well, you should be down the road 10 kilometers. He was gonna be raping it around Taita Lama's. Yes and he's the only one on the island with that hair cut. Yeah. Coming from the guy from Ireland. Oh! Tiny, tiny island country. What a flask. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the words were out of my mouth. I realized the the hollowness of my position But don't you see like the guys you meet on the street where you come they walk past you and you see he has a tear tattooed on On one thing. Yeah, yeah, he's really sad. Oh, he did something really bad. I saw a guy here yesterday with fucking four tear drops Under his eye. Yeah. I don't know. I think

after one we get it. I'd be much more scared if I'd see a guy with a ha ha ha tattooed around his mouth. I mean the world that guy's psycho. Are a tooth tattooed like somewhere down your jaw. Yeah. Morning the tooth that was posed. I know. I don't know. We're let us do the comedy. Okay, Tom. I'm kidding. I'm talking of the microphone to you, son of a bitch. Hold it to your mouth. So that's why you're all doing this? Yes. Have you ever gotten to a fight, Thomas? Yes, it'll very long time ago when I was 18 19 years old really. What was it over? Somebody stopped me in a discotex only just one stop me and Jesus he came up behind me and he said Where you going? I'll go out the stairs. He said would you get that white suit?

And then while I was told to the other guy, by the way, asshole, it's a club. Okay, stop calling it a disco tech. We're trying to build a reputation here. I don't know what a tech is, okay? Sounds hard level education to me, it's not. There we go.

Disco tech. I've heard that. I want to share this is disco tech. Of course, it's my real hair. So what happened? You said, he said, where you going? He's out of jail now, I think. He was in jail.

So somebody hit you, and then what happened? Then I said, don't. Really? That was very polite of you. You're a bad boy. I was very good. And then what did he say? I'm going to.

Well, basically, he took a swing. I mean, I would love to hear you being said. You're so polite and proper. When you get laid, it's probably like, would you care to suck my nuts? I think so. Would you enjoy my penis? I don't know.

I think this guy was in the army. So how about to be the fillet show? I would love, if you wouldn't mind, if I go down and lick a couple swipes on you of the jazz jazz. Swipes. And then after a spot of coffee? Maybe some comedy?

A little couple of. So did you see he throw the first punch? Yeah. And then there was some shuffling back and forth until some bouncer came and separated us and thankfully threw the other guy out. The throw him out, and we used to be there. He never leaving anywhere. No, I was just going out to stairs,

and nothing to discotheque, but in the club. Say discotheque again, I swear, we're fighting. Say it again, I'm fighting. That's another bit. That's another bit. Ah, shit. All right, well, we got a show to do, so we need to fucking go.

You guys have been fantastic. Thanks being on the you know what dude podcast Want me go around the room and just tell people where they can get in touch with you on the internet if they like to hearing you on my show Well, yeah, I have a Twitter account Yeah, my friends all that I'm sure my friends are from Jersey. So well, well normal letters do that like are will we need a new keyboard Do I need to download a keyboard? Do I need an A with a fucking tear on top of it? Yeah, it's tattooed onto the a comma. No, it's a our our eye and then is el dj ar and of course okay gill dj ar that that you are you are and and iron yeah eagle fire are yeah fucking of hilarious guy all week been killing it

and uh... a super guy too man for the pleasure i'm calling or even the guy you just heard is eagle fire iron my my name means king lead of The guy you just heard was Eagle Fire Iron. My name means King Lee Dove. Our Dovish King, I'm not sure. And I'm on Twitter at Colomoregan, COLM, or EGAN. Awesome dude, not as funny as him, but good. Very good.

I've enjoyed you. I mean, you've been good. My name means Lion Pleasant. You're a kid, if you're a fucking still-year. My name means Lion Pleasant. You're a Lion Pleasant. You're a Lion Pleasant. And what was the things you guys talked about? Just Twitter. Ari Shafir.

It's that Ari Shafir. Everybody knows you. Yeah. Everybody knows you. And the skeptic tank. It's my podcast. No, you guys don't have podcasts. Probably still not.

No, you should. I haven't. It just got the internet. You. Yeah, you're your your podcast. It's a crazy. Fuck it. Amazing. Thomas. Well, not performing, but Tom, the name of the website for the, the Festivals, making international comedy club at Facebook and or slash disco tech. book and or slash disco tech. It'semar. Valdemar. Valdemar. Pustelic.

Adi, and I'm a, I'm a, and Twitter at, uh, Pustelniks. It's Fox, it's Fox. Uh, it's P-U-S-T-E-L-N-I-K-S. All right. Pustelniks. Pustelniks. Again, killing it all week, man. I mean, usually, seriously, you always get nervous

at the local host guy. You're like, oh shit, you fucking, you fucking you just fucking kill it right out front Getting everybody in the mood you making the show awesome from the from the start so Beard and what a beard what a beard and horse and and he fucking took me to my first true Danish meal. What was it called again? It was called a pot, a pot with seven kinds of meals. Can you just give it a better name than that? Jesus Christ, it's a pot with seven kinds of,

I could have said that. I think it's hyphens in between the words, so. What is it called on the menu? Flittle, slug, real brother pot. That's what it's called. Say in your language. Real brother. There you go. Hey, called. No, but say in your language. New braw glue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got there in the end. What was in that there was lamb sausage, pork sausage, bacon, bacon steak, steak, yeah.

I'm the onion's your main. Sour cream. Oh, cat. I think. Yeah. It was one of the best things ever. Can we go get that tonight? Oh, you can eat too, by the way. We have been invited to a club tonight. Well, great. Ooh. This could take us close. So.

All right. You guys are the best. Thank you for being on the show. My name is Robert Kelly. You guys are the best fans in the world. Make sure you go to write. If it's Robert Kelly, I thought it was Robert Johnson. This whole time.

And I guess we're going to end on a fucking anti-climactic fucking shit joke. Oh, that's it. That's it. Oh, that's it. Oh, that's it. Oh, that's it. Oh, that's it. Fuck it, drug addict. So make sure you go to riotcast.com and check out all the other shows on the network.

We got a brand new show called The Bayes Phillips Show. It's Kick and Ass and Band Geek, which is a fucking great show. All musicians talk music, break down songs, make sure you check them out. And that's it, you know what? ¡Vamos a los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de los chiles de Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, Amurcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea.

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