Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Dongle

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

We're joined by Casey Balsham and Greg Stone, where we learn about the mystery of of Casey's neck, and the mysterious Jeff Stone Bobby can't stop raving about! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

show begins. I'm King White King, I'm King Dio Units. Podcast is so fun and crazy. And as the rules, SHUT UP, YOU ALOING THIS! WICK THE BORK FUCK YOUR GAME, AMAZING! Sorry, it's a family podcast. This is an NPR. It's podcast, don't fuck around. Is there any better show? Isn't the original picture?

Yeah, new one. That's right. Oh, submitted by John Lennon. Glennon. Sorry, what? Glennon. Oh, John Lennon's dead. Yeah. John Glennon is still alive. That's with a G John

Lenin's son. Nobody knows. He goes by Glennon because Yoko won't let him use the last name. Sure. Same. Still John though. His name's John. Yeah. He's half Haitian. Oh. And the other half is Asian, which makes him fully, which is not even related to John Lenin. No, I don't know. No, what is I just talked to him. He sent it in his name is a website is what? Be prepared. Be your post.com nextdoorpost.com. Why is she so low?

Oh, there you go. Can I hear you next door post.com? Yeah, you all right. Listen, so anyways, we're back YKWD whole new year. Whoa Patreon live that's right from now on we're streaming live to the people that matter The people that support me the people that are behind me a hundred percent and that's you Patreon that's you Happy new year to you and the rest of you on YouTube. God bless. We knew you to you and the rest of you on YouTube, God bless. Gee bless.

Gee bless. And if you ever sucker me into fucking doing that millennial shit again, you're so quick. So anyways, yes, somebody's calling me from Phoenix. No. I'm going to answer it live on the air. Hello. Hello, you live on the air. Hello, it's up on reach Robert. This is Sean from GoDaddy. Hey, GoDaddy. Listen, I'm doing my podcast right now.

Can I call you back? You live on the air, by the way. Yeah, we can go ahead and try it back. So I'm from in my in my trouble. You sound like I'm in trouble. Not trouble. We're just trying to review the account. A couple things we wanted to go over here with you, specifically on your hosting plan, your be up to a new and get onto just an updated plan that actually save you money if you're still sending people to the website. Yeah. Well, you know what? Let's what website is it again? I mean, I was mentioning calls may be recorded, retained for quality and training purposes. What you had a time older plan, it looks like,

cheat the movie.com. Is that still something you're sending people to? Or, oh God, you know what? I don't know. Let me, I'm gonna have to call you back. Norris. Yeah, I, but you two, take care.

Thanks. Did not want to be live. He did not. He didn't want to talk to me. No. He was just fucking hating life. Yeah, I feel bad for him. Why? Because he seemed sad. He works for GoDaddy. He's making good money and he made those choices.

Do you think they pay them a lot of money? I don't care. I don't pay you a lot of money. You're here. He probably say, that's a great point. I mean, he wants to fuck everyone he want to do right? I want GoDaddy salary. Yeah, go ahead. Go to GoDaddy. I'll get you.'ll make sure he gives you an application. I'm gonna go find myself a daddy and get Salary. Oh, that's what you can do and guys can't. That's why women have it easier. Guy's can. Gay man can. Yeah, gay man. I'm talking straight white man can't get a guy. Don't point it yourself and say straight. A white man. There it is. Am I not straight? No. My God, do you think I'm gay? A little bit. What do you mean a little bit? A little bit. Really? Yeah. If I was gay? A little bit. What do you mean a little bit? A little bit. Really? Yeah.

If I was gay, I would like that outfit. Look at your outfit. What's wrong with my outfit? It's totally straight, you're right. Now you're right. Yeah, this is a fucking dad outfit. This is not a gay outfit. This is like a, I work in a garage.

No, that's Freddie Mercury's outfit. He wore that on the 1986 tour called coming in my mouth. Yes, so yeah, I guess I am kind of gay. How am I gonna break that to my son? Just tell him straight up straight. Yo, you're dead like ass play I don't not anymore not anymore, but did. And you get back when my ass was so pink and nice. Oh, beautiful. It's like a dolphin hole. Cool. Yeah, it was gorgeous. It opened up like one, too. And and water shot out. I could. If I put water in, I could shit it out. Cool. Yeah. Now it just dribbles out like a stroke victim's mouth. My asshole looks like Bell Paul's E-Mouth.

I don't know what my asshole looks like, isn't that weird? You don't know what yours looks like either. No, I've never looked at it. Yeah, it's a weird thing to see your asshole would be, I think it would be, it could be devastating. Why? Because I think you think you think what your asshole looks like. Does that make sense? I think we all have an image of our asshole,

and it's probably not true. I think we all have an image of our asshole, and I think if you saw yours, you'd be like, I have an awful asshole. It's a different interpretation. There's very few people that have nice assholes. Well, people tend to their assholes. People make gay men.

I live with a gay man, he, it's a whole... Surprising. Shocking. Why would you live with a straight man? Because he'd tell you to shut up. Yeah. Gay guys, I'll keep talking, I love it. Oh my great.

Oh, you're person your lips and you're bed by yourself. I love it. You're jealous. Of what? My lips. I have good lips. So do I. You purse your lips just as much as I purse my lips.

I never purse my lips. You're doing it right now. Listen, I think that'd be a funny thing to take. That'd be a funny experiment. Like you have to go home and take a picture here for asshole, and I would take a picture of mine. And we don't show it to each other. Right.

But you have to look at it and honestly evaluate your asshole. All videoed. Well, I wouldn't video tape. You wouldn't show the asshole, but you would show the reaction. No, don't video tape it because God forbid something happens to you and they have to go through your phone. And there's a video of you just looking at your own asshole.

Yeah. You'd have to just take a picture of it. You'd have to stand over, stand over your phone, squat, and then take a few pictures and kind of get the angle right. Yeah exactly. Like Mike, your phone, squat, and then take a few pictures and kind of get the angle right. Like Mike, your asshole, can you sit over here? Oh no. Oh, what's that comes back? All right, well, Zach, you can go back. Hi, Zach, did you want to stay there, Zach? No, I was trying not to mess it up. Oh, it's okay, Zach, that's Zach, the new guy. This is mosh Mike mosh get in the mix. And then we, uh, we haven't come up with a name for him yet

What Feife that's not my name. No, he has kind of who gave me that name sitting over here fuck face your fuck face Who gave him that name Yeah, you did me on what show Well, it was for the studio on what show I I called him at here first, actually. Really? But where is it known for? He's not known. He's trapping you. He's trapping you. What does that mean? You're trapping him. What does that mean? I'm asking him questions. He's trying to answer them. Okay. You would use lawyer. I'm a dude. I don't know. On the other show,

he's known as the Jew. So are you a Jew? Yeah, I don't call him fight face other show he's known as the Jew. So. Are you a Jew? Yeah, I don't call him fight face. I think it's two tight jeans. No. Well, no, he's a shag. He's no longer fight face. I got to get right through it. Yeah, he's, I don't know what he is right now. He's sad right now.

And you look at that. Yeah, he's a really good guy. He's a good guy. I never said he wasn't. What, he got a fucking way you trapping me. He said he's a two pro. No, I'm trying to make sure he doesn't fall on the same path I did.

How come you're always tearing up, Michael? Oh, because I'm always sad. Okay. Oh, no, it's not. It's your asshole most look awful. I don't think it looks that bad. If you could describe it first first thing that comes to your mind. A grandma's kiss. So it's romantic. It doesn't even make sense. It's well puckered. What? Oh, that's too meta. I don't know. Would you like that nerd?

Yeah. Ugh. My asshole, I would imagine would look like an old octopus beak. You know what I mean? Like, but that's been out of water. That's like a Japanese is like on the Japanese shores on like a fishmonger's ice box. You know, a little beak hanging out of it.

Little fucking, yeah, terrible. What about yours? What do you think yours looks like? I feel like mine is like a coin slot. That type. Yeah. Nothing in it ever. Never. Wow. Yeah. You really are a princess. But it's rose gold. I bet it's two pink. Two pink. I bet it's so pink. I bet it's pink on the edges

in like a dark gray and then like at the opening. Just death. Yeah, it just looks like the bottom of a starfish. Hey, two C jokes. Anyways, New Year's, I went away. I was in Philly. I want to thank all the Philly fans that showed up. You guys are the best. I want to thank all the Patreon fans. Happy New Year, God bless you. And also, yeah, Philly was the shit. What are you going to fix something? Okay. He's working. What's happening? What is Zach doing? Anyways, my friend went to the Philly show and he said he was amazing. And he came up afterwards and said, hi. Oh, yes. Yes's sitting on there. Yes, I am amazing.

And your mic's hot, by the way, much. So if you don't want us to hear what you're talking about, shudder, fuck off. Okay. Yeah, it really was great, man. I brought the fam. We did a whole day thing. What'd you do?

I mean, it's Philadelphia. It's where the country was started. I mean, Thomas, I mean, it's Philadelphia. It's where the country was started. I mean, Thomas, Tom, I mean, it's fun. It's not fun for a kid though, because he doesn't give a shit about the declaration of independence. And he doesn't care about, you know, all the bullshit, but I find it. I'm like, this is where the country was started. And what he said, he was like, yeah, he was just playing around on bricks on brick. And then he saw, okay, he's keeping it down a little bit, please. We're having a conversation. Hey, come on in, sit down. Hey, so yeah, it was, it was fun. I love, I love history. I love the history of this country. I love old shit. If you could fuck one historic member of the country,

who would you fuck? Does it have to be a guy? No. Well, it kind of does. What woman was historic? Eleanor Roosevelt. Yeah, one. Yeah, say it right there.

There's one woman. I mean, it's Betsy Ross. You had two women. You could fuck Betsy. That was back when they... She could so. She's probably going with her fingers. Yeah, but she was fucking fat. They all were fat. Yeah, all women

back then look like dudes now. Yeah, we see a photo of like the like late 1800s of women. Oh, they just square manheads. Yeah, thick. And there's just one petite one like this, the one that everybody wanted to know everyone's worried for her. Yeah. Yeah, you were fat. You were rich. She didn't survive. Yeah. You, that's the issue. You were a fact you were a rent. She didn't survive. Yeah. You know, it's funny I learned if you're fat, you survive. Also, I learned, you know, shutters on the houses.

Yes. You know why they have them? Why? They would close those shutters because the tax man would come. And if he couldn't see your window, he couldn't tax you on it. Did you know, door knobs were small back then because you got taxed on the size of your door knob.

Did you know that? What? Did you know an Amsterdam that they only tax you on the facade of the house? That's why all the houses are really small on the outside and then go back really fast. Yeah. And actually the number of stairs you had out front,

you were rich by the number of stairs you had out front, you were rich by the number of stairs. You had five stairs, you had money. Yeah. We're talking about Philadelphia. You're right here. Don't, don't do Dan Soto. We are being humble. Oh, sit over here. You're a guest on the show. That's where you sit. You sit where I tell you to sit. All right. We have Greg Skone, Paul Shem. Hello. That's what, that's what, I, so do it always do. No, so do it. Let me sit over here. Yeah, I'll sit in the window.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's hand me a mic. Fuck you. You're far from me, the car. Gabby knows. Gabby's cool with it.

I don't think there's a better. Are you sitting there or here? You're sitting here. Sit here. You'll be on the wide shot. Oh, blessed. They called the Bob Kelly shot. Get it? What? You white? No, you're. Get it. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna act out. Come on. Get it. You don't really. Yeah, you don't really get it without the sound and the hurrah. Are we on?

Yeah, we're fucking live. Just cooked. I'll tell you, we're going to two o'clock today because I have a very, I fucked up. I have this phone call and you mic's not on? I just don't hear mine in my thing. Oh, is there a headphone on? Can someone help or someone's gonna help you? Don't worry about it. You just sit right there. I might be.

Yeah, I got a very important phone call. I thought was it 11.30? Who is it? Huh? Who's the call? You won't tell. You won't even tell me. You can't just make something up. That's great. You know why I don't tell people why? Because I don't like letting shit out of the box until it's solidified. Oh opposite

side defense, my friend. Yeah. I tell people everything immediately and then nothing happens. That's why I tell you let it out of the bottle. Yeah, it's a bottle. Yeah. You ever heard that phrase? Don't let it out of the, don't let it let's genie out of the bottle. Yeah, blitz the genie out of the bottle. No, tell everyone. You keep the Jeannie in the bottle until it comes to fruition. And then you let it out. And now it's like real. So I'm just excited to meet a Jeannie. I don't even care about the ages. I'm happy with the Jeannie. I'm right here. I am. If there's anybody, a Jeannie, you're to treat everything like an early pregnancy. Yeah, it's true. Like just my family and my closest friends

and not even them. You can't tell them. Because going back to your mom and say, yeah, it's in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I would say it. Yeah, Lola's in the toilet. Sorry. Lola. Yeah.

I wonder if you're going to remember. What am I talking about? That's a good thing. Now it's my name. I like it. Congrats. That's what we're going to name her. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I remember the first time Donge of Private. I actually was on the set of Cheat the Movie, speaking of Go Daddy, who called. We were filming it, and I remember I told Derosa and Burm, like, dude, Don's pregnant. We had this whole moment, and I had this moment, I remember coming home in the cab, I'm a dad, like I had all that moment, and then it just flushed down the toilet big miscarriage and I was terrible. And what sucked is I'll I'll never have that moment back. Now now I'm scared. Yeah. What did me? What moment back? You had the moment again? I know the kid. We did, but it took a year. Yeah. And maybe maybe more than that.

And then when she came in with the thing, it was like I'm pregnant. I was like, I was like, yeah, let me know in this's a head. He's up. Yeah, let me know when it can't fit out your vage. When it's crowning, that's when I, yeah, let me know when I'm cutting the cord and it doesn't have a fucking, you know, a hair lip at a fucking dead eye. I got to love it anyway. Huh? You got to love it anyway. Not in some countries. China, they'll fuck that sucker right out. Turn in the street for the dog. No, they'll fuck that sucker right out. I'm throwing the street for the dog. No, they'll eat the dog still.

The baby's stuffed dog. Where did what happened here? We went sideways. But I was in, I was talking about New Year's. New Year's, I was so good, dude, because I, what's wrong? I can't with this. I'd like to just tell you about it. You can do whatever you want.

It's a free country. Here we go. Speaking of Philadelphia, because of the men in Philadelphia, it's a free, you can take that mic out of the stand because of Thomas Johnson. Because of the goddamn men. Yeah, the men. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, name one woman

who did anything for this country. Tina Turner. Tina Turner. Oh my god. You nailed it. 100%. I passed that. Just an abused woman for like 20 years. Just took it in the face. Tina Turner is the musical. Now she's a musical and Ike is dead

Win did you ever see the like did you got 20 years of hot abuse and all her money? And he's still got laid after God it's true My favorite fact about Ike and Tina did you ever see the newspaper ad that the post put out when I turn her died what I can beat Tina to death No How I mean, that's just that's just good journal I'm if I'm being honest. That's just good writing Listen to me black. I should be given an award Comedy award

Bananas that's gotta be a comedy writer that was like let's see if anybody let's push the limit That's a tweet when that comes to you, you go. Everyone sit down. Yeah, I got it. I don't care what you got. I don't get throw it. You got away. This is what we're going to be. He pulls the pencil from behind us.

Yeah. All right. Guys, no, he's going like this. I turn a dead now. I finally hit the hay. And that's not good. I beat Turner to death. That's a good one. I like it. Yeah. He's spring to it. Catchy. It's true. Turner over. How could we turn her over? He's dead. Turner. I like like I like I like I like I did. No. He's just

Yeah. Like you on the mic. That's on high death we have new camera. Don't wipe it on the mic wipe it on your fucking your I've never been in the army hoodie Dude, you know I serve you didn't serve I did I serve three years to do you have for days Where do you guys say something you didn't scare me for a second? I'm glad you have stolen valor My favorite thing to say to somebody is that stolen Valor? Stolen Valor. No harsh. Get somebody with a fucking apron on and flare.

Is that stolen Valor from Fridays? Yeah, you never work. I can't just wear that on a one. You can't wear that. You work it subway. You can't have flair. I'm pretending to be a hunter. This is my hunting gear.

OK. Hunting. Hunting what? Men? Boon. Yeah, I was going to say boon. Nani. Boon, Nani. I don't like it say boon, N hunter. This is my hunting gear. Okay. Hunting what? Men? Boon. Yeah, I was gonna say boon. Boon.

I can't say boon. Boon. Nanne. You can't even look at all the women. Boon. Nanne. Try to bring it back. I'm trying to bring back.

I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back.

I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. I'm trying to bring it back. Iies when you do it though. You're like a fucking robockish, a booby. Like the pool of robockish scrubbers on vacation. Oh, yeah, your cheachies. I just tried to say that too fast. You pull up all the robbers. Just like this. So anyways, we had this hotel room and it was awesome.

Wait, what? In New Year's. He's back to New Year's. I'm back to New Year's. I was never at New Year's. Okay. I was in New Year's in Philadelphia with family. Uh-'s. I was never at New Year's. Okay. I was in New Year's in Philadelphia with family. Just crushing it at the pussier.

This year? Yeah, this year. And we had a hotel room and I always slipped a guy at 20 when I checked in because they give you a bedroom. Do they really? Yeah, because they don't make a lot of money. The guys at the front desk are the girls. The nice.

I like doing that. I actually read a book. It's called Heads and Beds and it's a battle guy that works at a hotel and he's like, just if you give us any kind of money, we will treat you like a fucking king. Yep. Just anything. Because they don't get a lot of money in the movies. They don't get a lot of money. They stand all day long. And if you give them a little money, they're like, dude, you don't have to do it. Just take it. Yeah. Even if you don't hook me up, I want you to have it.

And he hooked me up fireworks. People paying like, dude, you don't have to do it. Just take it. Yeah, even if you don't hook me up I want you to have it and he hooked me up fireworks people paying like whoa Like 700 bucks at night. He goes, all right, look you get this room right here, and you'll probably be able to see Like you probably be able to see it because you probably shouldn't be giving the room. Yeah, I'm talking the barge Right up to the fucking window. Yeah, I mean, I mean, I was nervous I got way too see the video. I got a fucking New Year's. I haven't posted it yet. Ask me why. Don't know why. I have this great video of Ruba having posted any and haven't posted any from New Year's. I am a you're gonna wait for what next year you die. We want things to unveil for you. We want to

unveil the documentary. It's got to have some unsung footage. I hope I die today. So you feel like. Sure. That's what I hope. I hope I just so you feel bad. I want to take my life. I'll feel bad, but everyone will feel bad because we'll be sad. OK, but then we'll be like, oh, but this is such a great Aruba video that everybody will be happy. Yeah, but in the other video, I'm going to be like,

correct. And then they'll hunt you down like what fucking Jimmy Jewel? What's that guy's name? That's what you're doing. Richard Jewel. Jimmy Jew what fucking Jimmy Jewel. What's that guy's name that? Richard Jewel. Richard Jewel. Jimmy Jewel. I like Jack I. Jimmy Jewel. Wherever he is. The restaurant. He's a sandwich shop. Consiors. Jimmy Jewel, John.

Jimmy Jewel. I'm Jimmy Jewel. I put girls be fun anything. What? I got a special sauce. Sorry. I'm Jimmy Jewel. I put Jimmy Jew. I put Rose P. funny thing as my name. Because I would do that. I'd be a Jimmy Jewel. Yeah.

Let me ask you a question. Sure. I didn't know you guys knew each other. I love Casey. I've never even seen you in the same room together. I like Casey a lot. Super-man's a situation. Do all my favorite human beings.

This one is sick of. This is what sucks about your generation. You only put me with people I love. Do we like? I love it. I love it. I was like, I like Casey L. I'm super mad to the way. Do all my favorite human beings. Start you know, this one I'm gonna second. This is what sucks about your generation. You only put me with people I love. But we like you.

Put me in here with lists. You'll see how much I've shit on them. No, I love this is the problem. Is there all you guys just love each other? We do. Yeah, it makes me sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it makes me sick. Raised by Fred Rod, you don't,

or that's my child. You don't, what? We're building each other up. Yeah, we do it a good job. Rease by Fred Rodney, you don't. You don't. You don't. You don't what? We're building each other up. Yeah, we're doing a good job. I know I'm kidding. I like you too. I mean, I don't love her. I'm not going to lie.

I used to words love like your generation does. No, I love everyone. Why? Because we're in the like, I used to have, we are in the same room. Do you love me? Yes. Say, I love you. Say it, like you mean it.

I love you. I love you, man. No, say it. Like you mean it. Seriously. How do I, okay? I want you to fucking say something to me. Say Bobby. Bobby. Yeah. What's up Greg?

I love you. I love you too, man. I think I love you too. Cry. All right, listen. Now fuck. No, this is the Mr. Roger generation, man. We're out here.

I'm the Mr. Roger. You are not. You're so nasty. You, what? I'm sick. I hate you. I'm sick. I hate him. I'm 49, you call me. And I have the skin of a fucking 20-year-old.

You have great skin. Look at that. I make my eyebrows up. I'm acting surprised. Can you write a little bit of a nut? What are you using? Nothing. I have fucking... I have Filipino skin.

Somebody in my grandma, the fuck, the Filipino. Something happened. Hey, can I ask you a quick question to six major major thing It's pretty well known that Filipino. There's a ton of Filipinos in ERs, right? Yes Okay, yes, I was under the impression that every time you go to a hospital because every hospital I worked in all Filipino And Asian nurses. Yeah, I was talking to someone yesterday and I was like trying to put it in like a script because I'm writing a script It's not a big deal. It's really not a big deal I'm writing the script and they were like dude. That's pretty racist. I'm like no, it's pretty accurate I think I just want to see can we get a roundtable of Filipino women are known for being nurses. Yeah, great

Okay, that's all I needed for black women to that. I think black women. I met a fellow black woman over being allowed We had wind I met a Filipino traveling nurse voice that's a better word. Oh, yeah, you don't get a banged around a window God damn right you did out a window. Yeah, second floor. She was naked. I said hang out the window I was inside People walking by she was going ah, I shouldn't go in the shoe I'm more of a I guess yeah, we could fly this you never like this one. Yeah, I'm fucking of a I guess you never like this one you I'm fucking you Oh, oh this ah you like this Do me me yeah, it's like being bumped on the train

Oh part of me Sorry, the only part you feel is my pelvic bone hitting your bone It's gotta be somebody's pledge Yeah, probably my pelvic bone hitting your bone. It's got to be somebody's pleasure. Yeah, pelvic bone might be, yeah, pelvic bone to butt cheek. Anyways, where were we before we got side-faculty? Fucking, how do we get to Filipinos? Because I was Filipinos. Well, because he was writing a script, but no big deal.

And then he... It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. I don't want to say anything too early. Nobody told you your racist. It's going to be big. You want to be in it? Yeah.

You're in. You got to be Filipino though. No, no, no. I's going to be big. You want to be in it? Yeah. You're in. You got to be Filipino though. No, no, I grew up around mainly Filipinos. So I missed the accent actually. Yeah, I'm totally. I love Filipinos.

Are you are you writing a script for Filipino people? It's for the Filipino. I'm writing a film movie. Is it the Maddie Pacquiao story? I'm. It's the Joe Koi life. I mostly write comedy and... Joe Corinan's for people who live in the Philippines.

Why? Yeah, I'm very, like, that's my market. That's what I'm going for. You're going to go with, I mean, you're going to go with, you know? There's a lot of stuff about La Poulapu and one good. And Pec. You got La Pec Pec? La Pec Pec?

Yeah, yeah. We say, buta la more, like. That's the only cuss words when I, because I grew up in Malay, Filipino, so that was like, Why? That's what, cuss words when I, because I grew up in Mali, Filipino. So those are the f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing outside of San Francisco. Okay. But it's mainly Filipinos. Really? Yeah, it was fun. Wow. Yeah. Do you have a Jada Filipino dude? No, but I had a crush on one from kindergarten to sixth grade.

Was his name? Is that a crush? Jake. Is that real? I guess it was. I think it's real at the time. Yeah, but a crush is when you kiss and finger fuck. No, I wasn't that.

Isn't that my right? No. No, but I also had a mustache. It's a pretty good day. You had a mustache. I had a big time mustache. Yes, we've talked about this before. You made fun of me for this, but that's why I saw I didn't date anyone until I was like in high school because you didn't know where you're going to wax it off. I didn't burn it out of my where is it? What in your mom tell you? My mustache. Yeah, I didn't keep it. It's in a box. It's kind of just

no, but my nose. No, I just have a no stash. It's where? It's where? Where is your dog? He's my beard, honey. Yeah, that's what I started. That's what I started with. That's what I started. Well, where did you laser it? Or you just keep waxing it?

No, I laser it. I laser it. You laser it. So it's gone. Yeah. I mean, it comes back in like weird little spots like an old Asian man. But it's, you know, we can make it look good. I laser it my ear hair.

Inside? Inside. How was that? It was it hurt. Really? Really? I was literally on, I was on my ear hair. Inside? Inside. How was that? It was, it hurt, really? But I was, I was literally on, I was on a plane, and I just remember this girl sitting next to me, and I felt her looking in my ear.

I just, I felt her disgust. It's just weird. Like, I feel like that's it, because my dad and my grandpa both just, all of a sudden, the hair is just gone. I blame my wife all the way. She saw one hair, like 16 years ago. Let me get that. And then I could feel how windy it was by my ears. Because I don't have hair.

You could just hear it. I could hear the little fluff wing. It was terrible. It's the crazy that when I was a kid, I was like, oh, and I get older, which would be laser guns. There's going to be laser discs and laser things. I was like, nah, it's mostly to remove the hair. I'm a little tall. That's all you really do. I get a little butt would be laser guns. There's going to be laser discs and laser things. I was like, nah, it's mostly to remove the hair. Reminds me of the whole.

That's all I really do. You're a butthole? I wish. I wish. I don't know that kind of one. You don't want hair removed right now, do you? I don't know if I even have any, but that was like the funniest. You do.

You do. You do. You do. Look at your hands. No, but here, there's the thing. My hair. Look at you. It ends here.

It ends here. This is like nothing. I wish I had a really hairy. It ends here. It ends here. It ends here. This is like nothing. I wish I had a really hairy. It starts again here and goes banana. Ha ha ha ha. Like, banana. Yeah, yeah. My butthole's not that bad.

I don't think because I would, I like to pull on them. And that's fun. I gotta throw up. Why? Well, you pull on your butthole hair. I just look a little fun vibration thing. Oh, great. Not like a mean way.

I just didn't want to know that. I know he does. But I don't stop a little fun vibration. Oh, great. Not like a mean way. I just didn't want to know that. I know he does. But I don't stop talking. I know. You gave me the way. I'm going to go that way. If you don't want to go that way, you've got to bring up.

I get it. So the fireworks. I just like, I just shake your hand now. I'm just going to be like, oh, I wonder if he touches butthole. Oh, he does. I wash. I very strict hand wash.

OK. OK, good. I only do it after a poop before I'm pooping and This is even true you pluck your asshole during poop. No, I don't really pluck my asshole This is going a little place isn't all that true I'm just like when I'm laying down sometimes you pull your little bun hole here and you go in that's fun tickles Yeah, but you pull it up by the root is like the little Out you just I leave it I I I rubbed like I play with play with it

And I like you're ringing a bell like I'm ringing a bell like one of those old school bells are those old toilets and the Italian restaurants I do one of those And you gently put it back where it was I glue it back That's where my beard came from We have a good guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy.

I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I New Jersey. How much did she cost? I'm still paying it's like 30 bucks. A lot.

They don't do tax, which is nice. That's the this guy. I said no tax. I'll pay what's a month, but no tax. Enough to do tax with her. What did you mean a girl from Thailand? Yeah. That's a finch in that.

But I was going to say fucking Vietnam. Yeah. It's crazy. You don't see a lot of them because it's you don't it's expensive to get here. Yeah, I went to the hospital very far. She really? Yeah, she was friends with the see there's no Thai people. She must be beautiful, right? Oh, yeah, she looks a lot like she looks like to imagine you and Gabby together and brown paint.

Put the body in. I have no idea what that could look like. I know I'm trying to figure it out. I like, maybe I'll just sketch something to try to do. She looks like Tierra. He said. No, I don't know. Yeah, he's like, what a Tierra or me. It's like, the beautiful way I could go.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What did you do for our New Year's? I worked, I had two shows. Where? At Eastville. Yeah. How's it, how's it,

I love it. It was great, I loved it. Oh. Oh, no, the crowds were great. I got home before midnight. So it was fun. It was your hobby home? Yeah, he was at home. And so, uh, yeah, we just came home and watched movies and drank wine. Yeah. Oh, okay. So it was just simple. Yeah, it was simple. I just worked it. It was the best.

It was, I was like, this is, this is age appropriate. Like there's no, I don't need to show off anymore. Like it's okay to just be home and be like, I'm just gonna answer some DMs on my podcast Instagram and drink wine and that was like, I felt solid about it. She didn't know you. Can I say one thing? You can take his microphone out, you can't. Why?

Because you're a woman. No, we can't do that. You're what? I love Gabby. Anytime I say something about a woman, she goes, she's like a shitty crowd. No. She just writes an email to you about you.

And I answer the email. Yeah. We should get an HR guy here. We have one. Really? Yeah, he's right there. That's literally what it does. Really?

Yeah, he's from Mariah Cassee, HR Riah Cassee, as a stayer. So when I call, if I call Gabby a twat, or a dumb broad or something like that, he can, no, no, no, no, I was giving examples. Sorry. Write that down. No, don't write that down. Hey, look at me.

Don't look at him. That's why you're afraid of feminists, do you see her? No, look at me. Look at me. I know he's joking, but make it happen anyways. Take him out. I want the studio. I don't want you to job anymore, take him out. I'd have to call her father, dude. Yo no sé, yo no sé, pero me hace eso. ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡No te quiero que te haya que ir!

¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir!

¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir!

¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! ¡Tengo que ir! como díaz 10 de los desde 29 con 99. ¡Daisman, mucho por andar! I'm sorry I look blind. Everybody's been talking about him. Everybody's been talking about him. Is there anything worse than talking to a blind guy? It's just like, could you just put your eye, could you, you know I'm over here? Just make those dead things go this way. Did you see your bell? There is a meme going around, did you see?

It's like everybody staring at the Golden Gold tape and Stevie Wonder is just facing the wrong way. I think like somebody posted, like nobody's gonna turn them around. Yeah, like just at least let him pretend. I remember I did seat filling. I was like a seat filler for the Grammys. I think on my 30th birthday and I remember like they gave him a standing ovation. And I was like, what do we do it?

That's hilarious. He doesn't fucking. You have to go. Yeah, he gave up. Stevie, they're up. You could have just had the present to go. They're standing for you. Yeah, because he came out of station.

Like we don't need to do this. I was doing a show. He doesn't care. It's so funny. I was at Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant, that small little club. I love it. And I'm on stage, but you know, it can get rowdy or they can be so much stage and I'm fucking, I'm killing him.

And I'm, there's one guy I'm like here where Gabby is and he's just staring that way. Sunglasses on just staring that way. Finally, I go, hey, dude, not for nothing, but I'm fucking murdering. where Gabby is and he's just staring that way. Sunglasses on just staring that way. Finally I go, hey dude, not for nothing, but I'm fucking murdering. And you're just sitting there being a dick. Yeah. Look at the guy next to him,

I was like, tutu tutu, I'm like, no, fuck that. Then he goes, dude, he's blind. And I was like, well, turn him this way. I'm fucking asshole. I had some pupils on that one. It ain't even a sign like a service dog. It's like, don't pet me, I'm blocked. I'm working.

I did the vagina myologues and college, that was the same thing. I was told to give my monologue to this one specific person sitting on the edge of the thing. And I'm doing it. And she keeps looking around. And she's looking at the interpreter. She was so fucking, she's all kinds of deaf.

And I was just like literally, I was trying to get through to her with my words. And then she's looking at the interpreter. She's so fucking, she's all kinds of deaf. And I was just like, literally, I was trying to get through to her with my words. And then she kept looking up and I was like, oh, I got it now. But it was like halfway through the model, but I was like, oh, okay, I'm so happy. I don't know if I'm a bad person. But walking around New York, have you ever seen a blind person where you just want to go, listen, I know you're It is not the place. I know you're not blind.

Yeah, you're not really blind. Cause I saw a guy was walking. There's some blind people that are legally blind. That fuck you, dude. You can see something. Cause I saw you flinch. I saw some lady was coming and you moved. How did you do that?

Like there's some people in New York who are like, damn, fuck you. But that I've seen, I've seen that. You don't have the get gray over your eyes. You're not wearing, they're just walking and they're looking right at you. They're like this, and they're coming right at you. And then when you move, they smile like they got you.

Like, I made you move your fat. Yeah. So then you see the ones that are actually blind that are crossing the street into the cars, and you're like, you can't live here. They're new to blind. Oh, yeah, you're blind. There's new blind.

They're new blind. They're new blind. They don't know about the lights. But you're just like just hitting poles. Could you imagine being a blind person? I'm not going to be with him in this city. I couldn't imagine. It's a thing. It's way easier here than it is.

I would think somewhere else. Why? Because you have all the poles, you have all the people, you have all the same. Oh, the shit's a bump in there. Yeah, it's more and people are watching out for you. People are watching out for you. With you're in like, if you're like in Alabama with this one farmhouse and you just walk out into the field, you ain't finding your way home pops.

You're in the field like powder for the rest of your life. Powder. Remember powder? I do. Why would that? That's what I said. The knee like he did. He ran into like the distance.

And they turned into the movie right? Yeah. And I think he turned into a dead. Yeah. Who was a child Melissa powder? Sean Robert. I may be making all of this up. You say, you can't call somebody, listen.

The director or the stoop guy. I wasn't sure what similar that was. Which one? They went like this. I went, a guy who eats a lot of soup or the director. The director. Yeah. You say that he's not a pedophile.

Who's not a pedophile? The actor that you just accused of being a pedophile. Oh, the director of, everything I say. Don't listen. Yeah, but people do. That's their problem. What if he's, what if I say the director of everything I say, don't listen. Yeah, but people do. That's their problem. What if he's? What if I say the director was a pedophile, not the actor.

I also do a lot of things where I'm expecting everyone else to clear up when I'm saying, like I'll say this and then everyone else fix it. How funny is it? I like why people do when they walk around, but you get out of the way. I'm coming. I'm saying shit that ain't real. I gotta focus you. I gotta put you through a magnifying glass right now. No, it's okay. I love you, dude. You do what you do. I'm here to guide you. I think it's fucking crazy

to me. It finally hit me this year really hard. The Oscars and the Golden Glo gloves and all this horse shit that were literally making a night for people who hit the lottery. Yeah. They're literally. They're the best people. I mean, they, everything, they have nothing to worry about. Most of them are just rich people. Yeah. Telling other rich people. Yeah. Telling other rich people, here's an award for being rich.

And I found out why the Oscars were started. Do you know why they were started? Why? The Oscars were started by the, uh, movie, the, um, studios, because they wanted to, um, distract the actors of how little money they were making and how much money they were making and how much money they were making

So they said we should just give them awards So that we'll give them these big awards so they'll have this night and we'll give them a night and they'll be like Oh, I'm an Oscar winner. Yeah, and that's what they just like little children They gave these actors the Oscars and here we are Fucking years later. There's a million award shows and we're just rewarding millionaires for acting at the highest level. I also want to say like not just millionaires. These are people who also won the lottery. Like you can be a great actor and go nowhere. You have to have all that luck. It's like

you are the lottery. I think it's a perfectly, like, if we took all the lottery winners, like who's the best lottery winner? Like that's crazy, like you're absolutely right. It is bananas. It's bananas, because it's the same people are whole life until they die, the generation dies off. You're always gonna see Brad Pitt and Leonardo and all those guys, and they're all until they die.

And then they'll be the next, I mean, we're literally just rewarding these people. We're giving them our award as adults. We're giving, and now we don't ever give the award out. We have to make sure everybody's happy. Like, like fucking children. We're giving millionaires. We feel bad for them.

And then they get up there and tell us how where we have to donate our time as hardworking fucking hundredaires. And they cry. I mean, look, I cry too. That's a good point. They do cry. I mean, they're in a cry about the old.

What the emotional actors are, mom? Tom Hanks cried. Yes. I get why Tom Hanks cried. Yeah. He was sick. He also said he was sick. No.

He did. He goes, I'm sick. No, he looked out and saw his family. Yeah. Yeah, with the flu. I don't care about family. Are you crazy? One of his sons is one of his sons is a shithead though.

Yeah, he's a white rapper. He's like, I'm a white rapper. I saw him today. I mean, I was a Jim and Sam. You know, no white rapper. I am a white rapper. Do a rap. I don't just freestyle.

I like to write. I like to sit and write. The new another rapper. No, that's a freestyle. It's like there's you in freestyle right now. I'm not. He started. Yeah, that's actually rap. All right. All right. So what do you want me to rap about like to get a topic? Topic? Topic? Rap about Tom Hanks. Okay. Tom Hanks is a fake. My man is like eating steak. He's read on the inside. He's a secret Republican. He la maw. He said in his book biography, I don't know how many times I've heard you do rock.

I don't know one second of that rhymed. Yeah, that's because real, that's real art. Is that real art? He has a real art pop up. His book, biography. Real art. Zach's a great rapper. He's a great rapper.

Give me a soundcloud last time. He's really good. Yeah. It's like shocking. But like I said, we could also, I'm not a freestyle rapper. He's really great. Give me a sound cloud last time. He's really good. Yeah. Like it's like shocking. But like I said, we can also, I'm not a freestyle rapper. Like it's like I'm not, it's like how you're not a roast comic or you're not a new. I roast that I did one of the best roasts of all time. I never saw it. Rich Voss roast calm. Never been there. Don't know who rich bosses. He's a legend. Don't know what a legend is. He's the little guy with the rings. What's the ring?

He's got rings. Yeah, he's got little shiny rings to make it when he walks in the room. He does this so people will look at it. It's off the light. No, but like, it looks like a pim from the neck down. You know, there's improvisers in their standups. Standup's right. Improvisers improvise.

I can do both at comedy, but when it comes to my wrapping abilities, I'm more of a writer. All right. So write a wrap for next week. I'm not a rapper. I'm kidding. But I felt a really good point about the wrapping thing. I don't think so. Listen, I think it was fucking, it was really crazy to see Hollywood attack itself. Yeah, it was nuts to see.

Do you understand? Do you remember the Oscars when it was just a hand job fest? When we would just sit there as as Americans and sit on Oscar night, we'd, we'd get our cards or who you pick in and we'd have our parties. And there'd be all kinds of fun dips and stuff. And we'd all sit and we put it on and then oh she's starting and then the monologue and Billy Christo and la la la and do all the things and and then when people The die thing we'd all be like sad. They literally directed us how to feel and how to just sit and behave ourselves Now it's just him going up, they're going,

yeah, you guys fuck people. Yeah, you love pedophiles. I didn't, you did. You're fucking shit people. And this shit little award, thank you God, and get the fuck out of here. Like this is all bullshit. Ricky Gervais literally opened the can of worms.

I don't think they wanted open. Cause I don't think you can watch a word shows anymore and take it seriously. But they do a rehearsal. So they saw what he was gonna, like I mean, you know what I mean? Like they wanted open because I don't think you can watch award shows anymore and take it seriously But they do a rehearsal so they saw what he was gonna like I mean like they knew what he was gonna That's what I think it's so interesting It's like did they were they doing it on purpose like are they just are they trying to are they just trying to stir up like ratings because award shows have dipped because you know Obviously nobody watches fucking live TV hardly any anywhere anywhere anymore But like I'm just wondering if they had an alternate agenda for having him host and do that.

I think I mean, look, it was everybody was talking about it. Yeah, but also I mean, that's what comedians, I think I love that that's our comedians for. Yeah, kind of brilliant. We got a punch and back. We're the punch and back guys. And I think it's a good thing to have liberal, you know, yeah, but like I also think it's good to be like, Hey, it's like you try to find like Contractors and do their jobs right the punch and back Yeah, but like you know like that's what we do let's should be happening and I think that's no that's what it was

But you even me as then comics historically on those shows. Yeah, behave themselves. Yeah, yeah Look Alan de generous went up and accepted that award and was The challenge of generous went up and accepted that award and was hysterical within the parameters they like. Sure. Okay. I mean, you can't say that it can't be done. If she hopes to show, I'm going to laugh. She makes me laugh.

She's a fucking great comedian. And she does it clean. And she's, and then pokes fun, but not too much fun. And, you know, and then you got Ricky, what he did is just fuck you. He ripped it out. That's his style. Yeah. Great.

You know, and he'd done it for a bunch of years. It seemed like to me that he was mad. Probably. It seemed like he went back today and he came back out and he was just pissed off at them. Like fuck you. Like he came back. He was like, yeah, all right, we're back. Um, but the whole thing he even talked about.

He's like, I'm the worst choice to this. You know, like it was like the whole joke about it. Like he even talked about, he's like, I'm the worst choice to this. You know, like it was like the whole joke about it. Like he even talked about, he's like, why are they having me hosted? Ha, ha, ha. But I think it was very serious. But I also think I think you do need to pivot in a way. Like I think, again, like if award shows aren't working anymore, it's like, let's try to get something that will make it work again, even if it's to do it in this way.

But maybe, maybe it's time, like, rape, you know, we stop doing it. Stop doing it. Just like so rape and the golden globes are on. Well, I mean, think about it. There was a casting couch 10 years ago was all these people knew about it. And they didn't say shit. And now it's like, look, as you can't,

you would never get away with what Harvey Weinstein got away with anymore. Because all you have to do is just say something and that person's fucking done. So nobody's doing that shit anymore. I would imagine, right? For the most part. I mean, maybe award shows will kind of go, yeah, this is silly. This is silly. We need to move on as a culture and not reward ourselves for fucking pretending at the highest level. Or, or 50% of America. war ourselves for fucking pretending at the highest level.

Yeah. Or or 50% of America, you see when I compared rape to award shows, they were like, I think percent of America watches that and they go, the elite liberal fuck these people. I hate these people. Well, the way to bring the other 50% into that show is go, hey, we're going to have this guy on your side shitting on these people. Yeah, but he doesn't want to do it anymore. But you're going to do it.

And the wrong person is going to do that. Ricky Gervais is one of the only people that can do that. Somebody else is going to try to do that. And he's going to fuck up and say the N word. And it's all going to come. It's going to get real. It's going to get real. Yeah, he was doing it in a smart way.

And I think they get a lot of smart. He's fucking great at that. And's going to get real. Yeah. He was doing it in a smart way. And I think there's a lot of smart Indians who were like, who are like roasts, you know, but like make up great points and do a lot. Should I think that the, it's great. I think that's a great, I think that's a great way to post him the Oscars. Yeah. How you doing?

How you guys doing? Do you guys movies or something? No, it's good. I'm love all the black movies around my daughter. I have three daughters. One day it's a black guy. I talked to two of them. Anyways, give it up.

But if you think about the goal, like they would never stop because think about how much other money everybody, just think about it. So it's just a goal and glove. So it's then it's the hotel is making money, the ads, people, the, the, the making money, the, the designers, the only thing that the only time people care about is when Ricky Jervace is hosting. Yeah. That's it. When somebody is hosting that is, look it, the, what's the political fucking night there

that Michelle Wolf did? Oh, of course, bonnets dinner. They're not having comics at it anymore. They didn't this year, right? No, they didn't. Did you hear anything about it? Nope. Did anybody talk about it?

Did they have it? It's, I don't know. Did it go? I don't know. Does it? It's fucking dead. Yeah. I? I don't know. Does it fucking dead? Yeah. I mean, when I was there, take the, uh, it's not a, you were never there. I was there.

I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there.

I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I was there. I like a line on or something. I didn't think you were that funny. Dude, it's crazy. I'm like incredibly talented. I know.

Did you hear his rap? Did you hear his rap? What was the rap again? What was he called? Bacon, you face, eyes on you, play. Keep yourself to yourself. I have the biography. Black Lives Matter.

There we go. Oh, yeah, you got to get political at the end. Let's go run. Chief, hope, death, time, five, four, three, two, one. Five four three two one. You knew it was coming. How did you know my part? Four three two one. You knew it was coming.

That was definitely for everything. The calm. JFK 47. So I didn't know you wrote for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that must have been crazy, for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got like that.

That must have been crazy, right? Oh, it was like insane. Michelle's fearless, insane. Like, and like we would do, they were like, we don't like the jokes that she wrote. I was like, you should saw the jokes. We were writing. We were like coming at her like, this bitch is a crib keeper. And they'd be like, she's like, we can't go after looks.

We can't go after looks. We're not going after that. And we were like, all the shit she held back on. She's like, this is how they're going to go after me. One, two, three, four. Everything she said was 100% sure on how it all turned out. She was like, her criticism.

Yeah, everything Michelle told us and we were working on it. She was like, here's the way you can't do none of that. And this is blah, blah, blah. And everything she said, she was like, this is why we're doing the eyeshadow joke over there. She was like, that's the way when they take this joke apart, we can say it's technically a compliment. And they went after that joke eyeshadow joke or whatever. She was like, that's the way when they take this joke apart, we can say it's technically a compliment.

And they went after that joke. And they whatever. And she was like, but the last line of that joke was about how the water, in the how the hood still have clean water in Maine. And she's like, that's why I want to end. And they're never going to talk about it. And it's exactly what happened. She's insane how smart.

And she was and knew how that was going to unroll. And knew every single joke, how everyone would rip it apart and say anything. Everything was ironclad. It was crazy. I watched Michelle host the golden glow. She would be amazing. That's awesome. You need, I mean, there is a middle ground between trashing these fucking elitists. There is a middle ground and you do watch these things. We did watch this like cattle, so we can just forget about, it's like watching a romance, a comedy. You watch it just to forget about you. You watch it with the woman you love

that hasn't seen your penis in a year, and you're watching this couple just be romantic. You're like, oh, I wish we could do that. I'm going to bed. She's already asleep. So, you know, I think, you know, but what Ricky did was, I think it was, you can't go back.

You can't, how do you go back? I mean, go back. Where were we going after this? How do you go back to whatever is, whatever, whatever gay actor they're going to have hosted next year? They will flip, they'll flip, they'll flip, they'll have Ricky and people are like, oh, and then they'll watch people watch next year and they'll have a safe one and they'll go, they're going to keep doing the guy who, because like you oh, and then they'll watch people watch next year and they'll have a safe one and they'll go, they're gonna keep doing the guy who's because

like you said, it's the lottery. These people should like, look, get over it. You're the, we want to watch you get a little shit taken out of you a little bit because you have the greatest lives anyone's ever lived. You never do it. They should do it. They should do it. They should say when he's like, oh, you guys are all like, oh, donate and do all the

shit, but then you work for Apple that has older and fucking making your telephone. Like, it's so true. What he says, and I argue with that though. Why? Apple first of all, Apple's screensaver on their fucking Apple TV is just the most beautiful places on the earth that they're literally ruining with their fucking iPhone batteries that they pay a tax on. So they don't have to fucking, I mean, they don't have to clean it up.

They like that. Fuck it. If you want to be an actor though, you like you have to work like the same thing. It's like, I can't not have an iPhone. You know, it's almost impossible for me to do my life with a flip phone or something that wasn't made in crisis. All the shit was made in crisis. That's read that real words.

Yeah. What's ridiculous? Look, I don't mind Apple. I love Apple. And I love all the stuff. But don't, don't make me feel like I'm a piece of shit because he uses straw. I'm in New York. There isn't a sea turtle around me for 100,000 miles. So there's the same thing with these actors. I don't care about turtles that much. Jesus Christ. I mean, I've seen a lot of them in my life and it's like they're fine, but they just kind of do that. And it seems like there's a lot. I'm gonna show you a video

I'm so many turtles every day. I love you know, and I love the Hawaii so when every fucking day Yeah, there was too many I mean there's too many sharks. We're gonna start killing you Yeah, let's have the we're gonna let the Japanese back at it because they fucking just killed everything really There's one of the ocean and just said for we're eating all this Let's take eating all this. Let's take it all back. That's a rock. We'll eat it.

Yeah, we'll go. We're going to kill a shark with it. And then we're going to eat it. And we're going to have a turtle penis and fucking turtle tail soup. Yeah. And then we'll make earrings. Yeah.

I'm going to make a knife handle. Yeah, dude. I think, I don't know. That's fun. No, I just think that like, we're just shitting on them for working for Apple. Yeah, okay, true. But also, we can't not have. I feel like it don't know. No, I just think that like, we're just shitting on them for working for Apple, like, yeah, okay, true. But also, we can't not have, like,

it's a awful lot of people living over there. No, the joke is this, though, right? What the joke was, you guys are telling us to, you know, you're giving us all this political, heavy shit in your speech of the world. And what we need to do because we're bad people in the world bad.

You're terrible. You're literally complicit. You can't say it because you're in it because you're working for that guy who has sweatshops. So if you're going to sit there from a pulpit and tell the rest of us fat fucks eating chips and popcorn, trying to watch you because you're better than us because that's the way you presented it. You're just better than us. They don't think equal to us.

Well, that you're telling us, I want to say something right now, fuck, I don't want you. We need to save, really. That guy has a sweatshop right there. You're sitting next to him and he gave you a free iPhone. You love him. So shut the fuck up. I don't say nothing about a lot of things because I'm a piece of garbage.

I've done terrible shit to a lot of people in my life. I've made a lot of mistakes. So I'm not gonna sit there and say, you need to do this. I'm gonna quietly live my life, I've made a lot of mistakes. So I'm not gonna sit there and say, you need to do this. I'm gonna quietly live my life until I die and hope that none of these women come out. That's how you do it. That's a good plan though.

A lot of people should have followed it. My wife would be one of them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and he's sitting right there. Front row, this gazillionaire literally robs us. Yeah. Because he made us use dongles. Yeah.

Fucking dongles. Yeah. I have to have a dongle for my fucking $2,500 iPad pro. I have to connect the dongle to it. It didn't even come in the box. Fuck him. And after 30 bucks. You did it.

And that's how they make all their money. Cawks, I got it. Yeah. It's possible to keep. Oh, of course. I've got to think seven just so they live in my house. Some dongle. Dongle. Got a lot of dongle. Dongle. Dongle. It's a dance. Dongle. Dongle. So many dongle. There's dongle.

There's dongle. I saw a dongle in a turtle's nose. Yeah. Dongle sounds like what I do to my butt hole here. Yeah. I like the dongle. It's a great name for that. I don't know it. Dongle.ole here. Yeah, I like to dongle it. I like to dongle it. That's a great name for that. I dongle it. I think that. I just got real visual with that plot. I got everything just happened in my brain.

What, a butthole? When you talked about dangling your butthole. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really get in the butthole too much. I do like a little. Where are you going? Where are we going?

Anyways, let's not go in. You know, you sidetracked us. Where are we going? He does sidetracked. Well, I, we'll talk about millionaires and all that. It's so crazy too, because they say that whole thing, like if they all donated just to look like they could fucking feed the world, then they're just like, if they gave one, if they gave, oh my god.

Do it. Let's just piss him you off that Australian. Everyone's like, what are you doing about Australia? It's like, I don't have a plane. I don't have a bucket of water. What are you going to do? I'm like, seven, ten bucks. What do you want me to do?

Nothing I can do. We've done fun. We've done fun. We've? There's nothing I can do. It's done fuck it up. I'm going to be on a private jet with a bucket of water. And you went, where do you get to what this? You literally showed up through it and then just took off. Yeah, that'd be a great video. Yeah. You just put a koala bear out.

They're actually saying now, too. They're like, OK, we have enough water. We have enough food. We don't want to be rude, but you're sending us shit. We don't need it. Now we just have to get rid of it. Really? Yeah, that's what happens all the time. Don't try to give to a children's hospital

in the winter time, they're like, we have enough. We thought we're fine. They just want money. Because you think you're the only one. You think I'm doing it. And you're not. They, we get enough. Yeah, we get enough money.

Yeah, the guy was like, I don't, I really don't. Money they don't have enough of. But water and children's gifts. That's a fly. Floating. Yeah, it's like a homeless person. I don't need food. Give me that cash though, so I can get some meth.

Is this a crazy thing? I try to just give to like, like if I, instead of like, this is like, I feel like I'm shitty about this, but instead of like St. Jude's, which I do, I give a little bit of money to St. Jude. That's like my own, like, a food ever. What am I doing here?

It's, I'll hire a young comic and just be like, Hey, can you read this? And I'll give you 200 bucks. Because it's like, they don't have money. Look, but they're gonna be okay. Is it a suicide letter? And you murder them? It's my fill of people.

It's a super mad if they correct. Do you read the numbers of Titanic? You are going to kill yourself. I blew. He did not force me to suck his dick. But I killed myself after I felt so bad. Yeah, well, there's a lot of suicide in the way. Then you fuck their dead corpse. And that's no, there's a lot of suicide in the other way. You fucked their dead corpse.

And that's no, that's a good job. Anyways. No, I think that's a good way. You give it back. I think everyone needs to give back at a lower level. Just give to the person who was in the place that you were yesterday. You know, like you were me and I gotta announce this.

Me and Ari, Shaffir, are gonna do the Steve Kelly fund, which is Steve Kelly is my biological father who I haven't talked to in 20 years. But when I moved to New York, he gave me $1,000. And that $1,000 was the only money I had or anybody gave me. My mom and stepdad couldn't really afford to give me any money, but they did drive me here and blah, blah, blah, blah, and gave me a bunch of stuff, all the stuff that they could. But my biological father I was talking to at the time gave me a check

for a thousand. It was like, use this. And if that, if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be here. I would have had, I would have had to move back to Boston. And it really helped me. So we're going to give out once a year, we're going to take applications from new comics in Manhattan. People who just moved here, who need, and you have to fill a certain criteria, and then whoever we pick will give them $1,000. It's the Steve Kelly $1,000 new comic fund. Can I take Anthony DeVito and I moved to New York

with Anthony DeVito, I came here with, I had $30, you know, a total of everything. I had $30. Anthony gave, put the money, gave me $1,000 to move in to the apartment we moved in. I paid him back last year. We moved here in 2008. Wow. Yeah. He was like, you pay me when you have, when it's not going to hurt you.

Right. Now you give it back to him when he needs it. He doesn't need it. It was nothing I could ever do. It was a joke. He's always looking at me. I. I don't I really bugs me when I say something funny and all of a sudden it's serious. Well because it's like very true. I went with you with the asshole thing all the way down to we to I mean all the way to the end of it. I was with you the whole time. I never went once you know you don't do that really. No it's just my whole light. I've been doing a stand-up longer than him. I wanted to just help the guy out.

But all he does is he's paves every road. Does everything better? Yeah, he's, you know, he's a better, he's a better, he's better all around. Yeah, but not as liked as you. Did you know that? Uh, I think by you. No, by rude, by every, by our circles.

Oh, nobody likes him as much as you. Everyone absolutely. Nobody, nobody has said, I love him. Do you know how many tweets I can? Everybody says they love you. I'm an Anthony guy. Huh? That's what everyone says.

They go, it's okay, I don't want to be like, because I love Anthony, I don't want it. I don't want it. I'm gonna tell you, look at me. Look at me, look at me, look at me. Look at me. Yeah. Yeah.

Who said, cry, you? No, Kathy. Throw you sicko. I feel bad for whoever you lock into marriage. Just kidding, no, her. Do you know Gabby can sing? I mean, she should, I don't know why she does comedy or anything else.

She puts it on her Instagram. She sits in a piano and you're like, oh, that's gonna suck. And then all of a sudden, you're like, my wife went, who's that? I went, it's Gabby. She goes, why is she doing comedy? Which is not in your back comic, but it's, you're such a good singer.

Like what's going on in a rap album? A rap rock song. Yes. You know, you could do a year's, like, I guess, in essence. She wouldn't do it now, because she's such a pussy, unfuckin' believable. Like, I believe it.

Could have an album and be huge. Love that. You could see by your mouth, it's like a lot. That's a lot of mute stuff. Like a singer's mouth. I have a singer's mouth by your mouth, it's like a lot of mucous. Like a singer's mouth. A singer's mouth. It was like a trombone player's mouth. That's like what those guys think.

That's a singer's mouth. She says this thing is a singer's mouth. Yes, look at it. Look how big that smile is. You say she's a big mouth. You're all this for all the vocals. For vocals, not do I have a singer's mouth? No, you have a cock-second mouth.

What? Well, I can see it suckin' mouth. What the fuck? Well, I just can't be like, I love you more than fucking everything. There's nothing wrong with suckin' cockin'. You know it. 2020, man. 2020. You get it in the future.

I'm sorry. I mean, it just hurt. It hurt. No, it didn't hurt. It hurt. Yeah, it hurts. Sorry, I don't love you. All right, whatever, dude.

I'm throwing all compliments. I'm literally throwing boulders of compliments your way. And you say I have a suckin' cock mouth. I'll give. All right. Whatever. I'm throwing all compliments. I'm literally throwing boulders of compliments your way. And you say have a sucking cock mouth. I'll give you three compliments. I have a kissing mouth. You do have a kissing mouth. And you have beautiful, beautiful, beautiful eyes. Thank you, Mike.

Yeah. For Cox. I've never seen skin like that, Mike. She could not not say that. She literally said it out for Cox. She was like a 1930 commercial for Cox, not just for girls. And now that just goes for guys too for guys. It was a beautiful, beautiful, uh huh.

Anyway, you actually look like my biological father. Thank you so much. Even without the mustache. No, he has a mustache. If I showed you a picture, you'd be like, oh my God, you have the same mouth and you think I came back to life with your dad? Oh my God. He's still alive.

So I don't know why saying just doesn't talk to me. It's a choice. He's dead. You know what? He's dead. I'm not going to pay him back. I'm going to pay him back by doing this. Yeah.

So I will pay a forward for him. You could pay to me. But if you have a here's this podcast, he might contact me and be like, I want that money. I'm actually not doing it. I read an article. He was in, it was him being in Vietnam because you know, it was all fucked up and went there and they were talking. He was, he left his, because he had a second wife. He, you know, he, he was talking about his wife and kid and didn't even mention me and my sister.

Like we're not even, like my mom I got, but didn't even, we're not even like, the guy was like, dude, he didn't meant, my friend was reading it, because I didn't want to read it. And he's a guy, dude, you're not even here. I go nowhere, he goes, no. he's like, yeah, dude, you're not even here. I go, no, no, no, he goes, no. It's just, he had another daughter. He goes, oh, she's in here.

Yeah, yeah, the other half. But you two are, man, this could be our trade off. Why could be my comedy dad and I'll be your love dad. Like, I'll give you the love you need. And you could give me like, hey, take the mic, wait for your mouth there, whatever the fuck I should be doing wrong with me. So you, I'll be your dad, comedy dad. But comedy dad. Right. And I'll be your, like, I'll call away from your mouth. There were the fuck I should be doing wrong with me. So I'll be your dad comedy dad comedy dad comedy dad, right?

And I'll be your like I'll call you on your birthday. Yeah, I'll give you a hug every time I see you once a week. I call me once a week. I call you a fucking morning. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, once a week once a week once a week once a week once a week Sunday Sunday when I talked to my real mom I will be funny if I was talking about mom and you clicked in I go I got to take that I'll get a newspaper clippings out of you of anyone named Robert Mellie if there's nothing I'm not weak on Google Robert Kelly. What's uh Whatever comes up anybody I like to just of anybody named Robert yeah Robert I heard you won the Little League championship I would ever come up. Anybody. I like to just have anybody named Robert. Yeah, he Robert.

And I heard you won the Little League championship this week. Yeah, Robbie. This kid kind of looks like you, so I cut it out. It's an egg. Sorry, I love you. I saw so much. I saw. Oh, I saw on. I saw I saw I saw I'm cut jewel

I'm cut you know, I'm cut you know I'm cut you It's about a circus it's a brisk. We've all seen an abyss come on bad Starring Dan Nattiman Allow they cut a little too much off You should get a headphones that have a wig attached to the top. So every time you put them on, it puts this little fun wig on your head. Your brain doesn't stop. Literally.

You're laughing about the conversation you're in, and you're thinking about that. That's why you're going to be insane by the time you're 50, you don't need help. If you don't fucking naked, how old are you? I'm only way out. 38. 38. 38.

OK, 45. You're going to, if you don't really just become so successful that people just yassing you to death, where they say, oh, you're so right, Mr. Stone. You're going to kill yourself. You're going to be in a department designing headphones and fucking hair on. If you don't think Wig B, if you don't think Wig B,

I'm going to be big discriples. Yeah, next time I'm here, can we mark that up? Do your shot. We draw that up. Yeah, get a go on Shark Tank with your wig. Big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big You can just staple a wig to some of those. You gotta meet somewhere and try to out out. You have a bunch of people that don't know anything about anything, tell you what, you need that blue paper with the lines. Like they gotta have the blue paper. Blue paper. Yeah, you need pencils. Yeah, gotta get a pen.

You gotta get a pen. Yeah, to be a mechanical pen. Gotta be a mechanical pen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The yellow ones pack at 20. Yeah, you can do it on an iPad. So we know how to make an idea. That's great.

Yeah, yeah. We know how to. I would say. Yeah, that. Ha, ha. So let yeah. We know how to say. Yeah, that. Yeah. So let me ask you a question, you guys. Yeah. This year, is there anything that you're hoping to do?

Yeah, man. Like, is there anything you regret last year? I just want to be happy this year. What do you mean you weren't, but you weren't happy last year? No, I just went, there's been a lot of weird shit has happened. Like what? Just kind of like just stupid shit, just like, you know, just career stuff, relationships stuff, body stuff.

Like everything has just been kind of like all fucked up and this year I just want to make better choices for my brain. Like what is that? Like what is that in tail? Because it's very vague. Because you might be, Oh, well I'm trying to, I gotta get career.

Career what? Let's go one at a time, career. Career, I mean, I'd love to, I'd love to, you know, I'd love to do the seller. Let's go one at a time, career. Career. I mean, I'd love to, I'd love to, you know, I'd love to do the seller. I'd love to be making more money doing comedy, but being happy doing it, you know. Like I feel sometimes like I'll do sets and I'm like, I fucking hate this job.

But so I'd like to change my mindset and either like, and like really lean into the fact that I've been doing this for a long time and I should be happy about it. Yeah. And I just had like last year, I was just like, I mean, I've talked to you about it a lot. I'm just like, I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

So this year, I want to lean in and make, like, choose my choices. Right. And really become a stand-up and just try to try to forward, have some forward movement. I have some forward movement. Yeah, like, you need forward movement. Yeah, like I feel, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of people

that would love to be where I'm at, but you know, you always measure and I just, I wouldn't not, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of people that would love to be where I'm at, but you know, you always measure. And I just, I would not, you know, let's just look at the people. No, no, no, no, the people. There's not a lot. There's three people. There's three, even those three people. Two of them are in this room.

I'm fine with that. If this is my, if this is the only person, what, what, I just want to, yeah, I want to be doing. Okay. Okay. Now body wise, what's wrong with your body? I just had some, I had some, I had a little, I had a giant lump on my neck that I had a fucking yeah, I had a carcinoma in my neck that I can't remember. Really?

Yeah, but I had it for four years, it was just growing and choking me, so I finally had to go under, so that's why I have this fucking scar here now. And then, and then we had it, yeah, and then we had to, I'm kidding, I noticed it's really bad. I know, it's wild, right? They really fucking got. It's actually not bad. It's not, but I had it right around Halloween so I was like

Of course this guy Fucking idiots. That's great make up. I know I like the grace it's like this all day a lot Can I say something yeah a lot of people have that? Sharon Stone has it look at a lot of actresses. I've known a ton of people have that. Do I have no a lot? No? You wouldn't be able to see it. Yeah. Okay. I know. I love it.

Yeah, it's in fertility stuff. So wait a minute. Wait a minute. You had, I'm sorry, Greg. So you, you see, you're okay. So you're okay. Yeah, I'm fine. You're a cancer.

It was in my body for four years. What was cancer? Yeah, it was just, it was, it was, it was a malignant or the nine. No, it was, it was a call of foll the, was it a malignant or the nine? No, it was, it was a call of follicular carcinoma. It's like the least aggressive form of cancer.

Like, the literally, even my doctor was like, if you're going to get cancer, get this one. And even your cancer won't go for it. Even my cancer is like, you know, trying to try.

Whatever. Your doctor would do whisper from the side of his mother, you're going to get a cancer. He did, he did. Actually, he was like, I mean, besides skin cancer. Is that the way you sure he does have a stroke? I don't know what's happening to my mouth right now.

You know how dark I can't feel my right arm. I don't know how secrets are told on the planet. Yeah, I think a fuck to why you're out. What? Oh, I'm sorry. I was supposed to tell the other doctor that. I mean, they might have. I don't know. I was pretty doubt. It was pretty out. It mean, they might have. I don't know. I was pretty doubt. It was pretty out.

It's got a hot though. I think if I woke up between fucked, like some nurse was just finger fucking me, I'd be like, yeah. You'd like, but it's also out, right? Yeah. But the surgery's done, and now this is all just, but it's all extra credit. We had some time. Don't fuck me before the surgery.

We had the time. You had the busy. We're going to get into it. Sorry. What are you doing? You had the surgery. We had the time you had the busy figure we get into it. Sorry, what are you? You have diamonds. You have the time. You have the pussy. Live on the rocks. In the rain.

So what now? Okay, body. We got that. Yeah. Such great. You're healed. You're done. You're good.

Yeah. Relationship. What happened? We were just was waiting. You know, we'd been just dating. I just were we were getting older and I was just waiting for the proposal, which I finally got. But it was. Congratulations.

So you got, you move forward there. We move forward there. Yes. That's great. Yes. So you got that. You got the tumor out. And now you're ready to move on to you.

So you're, all the things that you have want are going in that direction. That's pretty great. We're moving forward and I'm trying to mentally switch it. I want to do the meditation. I got to start working out. I got to go to Allen on meetings. I got to do all this stuff.

I got to start learning how to use my brain for good. Well, yeah, I've been actually doing the same thing. I can only, I figured I'm only doing one thing. Yeah. Because so many people get, read this book. I'm reading this and check that out. And I've done this and the power of fucking, I don't fucking care about anything.

It's like fuck off. I'm just gonna take care of myself physically because I'm such, I become such a mess and I've talked about this but I don't care. That's another thing. You feel like you talk about it too much and people are like, do we get it? Fuck off, I don't give a shit. And I told my wife that too,

I'm gonna be talking about how, about good food and eating right for months. Yeah, I've done it. Because I'm changing my whole life, and it's been great. You're on my wife's to call you, my wife's a registered dietitian. We talked about this.

Oh, nice. Yeah, but we talked about it. I'm trying to force her, that's my goal for her is to get her to like, out of her comfort zone. And like, she, so I think she's gonna be talking with a couple of comics. I'm like, look at these guys. Absolutely, warm ass. Yeah, like going to be talking with a couple of comics. I'm like, look,

I'm going to help. Yeah. Like let's get. I'm actually doing something and I'm so into it that I'm just, yeah, I'm just staying on it. Yeah. Good. My big thing with my wife is always if it works, do it. If I'm working, I want to know what you're, what about you for this year?

Me? Yeah. What's going on? Three or four Filipino movies I'm working on. I'm going for. Oh, yeah, I'm excited to be great. You know, also, it's the sea offer me.

I'm playing every Filipino pop. And all the movie. Well, I should be playing your father though. Look, when you're next thing, remember you're neck, you were like, I'll say that you showed me. Show it to you guys after this wild. She goes, oh, you won't like she was like, you won't notice it then when you notice it,

you'll notice it. So then she was like, look, and I went, oh, it was like she's like a frog, but I had never even seen it Yeah, you look yeah, it was crazy I told you I did that I did that little video with with shults and and there was like 300 comics being like What's wrong with that lady's neck that lady's neck is huge that lady needs to I was getting weird that's what the internet helps Dems from people that are like hey, it's none of my business But there's a lot of people on Andrew Shulz's page that are really worried about your neck.

Have you gone to a doctor? Did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it? Who would think that fucking piece of shit Schultz saved your life? It was so funny. With the smallest type of canister. With the, with the piece of shit, it was a good thing. It was a good thing.

It was a good thing. Like, I literally went on and was like, hey, everybody, I got it removed, I'm fine. And people were like, thank God, glad you're okay. And I was like, that's so great. You didn't have never helped. But sometimes, because they look at everything on the room, microscope. Yeah. So if you have a problem, maybe they're like, hey, you glad you're okay. And I'm like, that's so great. You know, the internet never helps. But sometimes, because they look at everything on the room microscope.

So if you have a problem, maybe they're like, hey, you got that neck. Yeah, I guess, apparently, in video, it was, it's just like, that mole wasn't there three weeks ago. Yeah, that's weird. Thanks, Angel slut 69. Yeah. You know, she's, she's, she's going to nurse.

She was a night, she's trying. You look like the alien and men in black. Or, it was just, it was a fucking bulge, you know. that's weird. I'm glad. Well, I'm glad that you're cancer gone. Thank you so much. What? We've just start to wrap up. Oh, yeah, wrap up. What's your goals? Well, well, two them to call. I'm going to call you every Sunday. I'm going to give you both big pep talks. Big pep talks. Yeah, big pep talks. I'm into it. I don't know. I, I, I, there's things I don't have that like to have. You don't call me, though. I, we just started this today. You have one time and I got very excited and I didn't want to, I don't want to push to, you're like a cat.

I'm afraid if I go too fast, you're going to jump out of the bed. It's going to scare you. Just go up here. But yeah, you are. You're near nimble. I'm not. The last thing I have is a nimble. I've walked like a fucking baby. I'm not. I mean, I'm not an imble. I'm not an imble. What, tell me, I'm serious. He tell me. Well, it's going to be like, I would preferably like to do some comedy on it. What didn't you like last year? What didn't I like? Yeah, what given you regrets of last year? Things that bummed you out. Um, yeah, I didn't.

Did you like last year? I had like probably one of the best years of my life last year. Okay. Um, just like, and I hate to be that guy, but it's like mentally, I kind of became one with myself. I got engaged, I got married. We were living on our own, and I started, you know, and so like, I wanna do more self shit,

and actually last year, I finally believed in myself. So this year, I'm gonna do the things that I wanna do because I now have confidence. Good. So that's the plan. And I'm okay with, this is that I want to do because I now have confidence. Good. So that's the plan. And I'm okay with being, this is like a really lame and people can hate me. But like I, I am finally coming in terms of being okay with like people like, yeah, you're nice.

Fuck you. You know, it's like, no, I'm being a loving guy. Put that love. People shitton you. It's okay. I'm going to be Fred Rodger School, bro. I'm doing that shit. I'm giving love everywhere.

People should be for being nice. For like you come in like, not like that but it's phony. It's phony and he's just trying to get stuff like. And that's what he's doing. No, but it's like the truth is in our business, there's so. You're not a fan of nice all of it. You're not nice.

But you're not nice. You were a little kidding. You're nice. You're nice like me nice. Hey, what's up? But you're not like overnight. He's talking about being loving. Love.

Love is not something you just do. Yes, it is. Love is a choice. Love is something you earn. You're on enough. There's two types of love. You're going to get burned on this. It's all I do.

It's all I do. It's all I do. It's all I do. It's burned every day. And as you're comedy dad, it's going to make you less funny if you love everybody. Yeah. How hilarious. How hilarious was Mr. Rogers fucking boo.

No, but let's see his little puppet show. It's done Friday the 13th. That guy had problems. If you think about it, Mr. Rogers puppet's name was Friday the 13th. That's some dark shit. Rogers had some shit that he dealt with. That's what you're saying. You have that too.

Darkness. Yeah. Yeah. Wars. You can't love everybody. You can't like it's you throw love on all the time. No, 10%. I mean, there's different types of loves, right? There's love. I mean, it's a lot of you. Yeah, there's love. That love. You want that love. I'm talking about love. Yeah. But like, you do some crazy shit to me.

I'm going to those things that I don't like. So the choice now, my life is, if your poises to me, you hurt me, I'm just not putting you in my life. They go. I look at you. You're in my life. Yeah. I'm going to give you 100%. Yeah. But what if I make a mistake and hurt you? I'll accept. I mean, it's a conversation. If you make a mistake, what'd you say? You have to have a conversation. I like if you do, if you continually are hurting me, then I'll spend less time around you. Right.

If more times I'm hurting, you're hurting me when I'm hanging out. Have I hurt you? No, not. No. So why don't we spend any time together? Because you're like a cat and I'm afraid that if I come in strong. Stop calling me a cat. You're the cat.

I'm not a cat. Robert Catt. Robert Catt. Robert Catt. I think, well, this year I have done the same thing. I'm going to, I'm focusing on just one thing and that's my health and then stand up comedy, which is my job. And then stand up comedy, which it's my job. And that's it.

And everything else, you know, it's funny because I've built this life. I was trying to have somebody else's life for so long. And I didn't even know it. I would look at other people and all these other situations and be like, I want, what is that? What do I, and then I'm sitting there going, oh my God, I have it right here.

It's very simple. Just stay home. Yeah, yeah stay home and and be with my wife and be with my kid and And just not panic. Yeah, yeah about not making it Because you're gonna make it. Yeah, you're making it now everybody's yeah But every even like all of us are making it. Yeah, we're all doing it. It's just all relative to what you have. Yeah, yeah. You know, the millionaire guy has a million dollars worth of bills as opposed to the fucking thousandaire who has thousands of bills, you know, so the hundredaire, yeah, you don't pay bills.

You don't pay bills? No, I do for the most part. Oh, the most part. Like, it has to be out of pay. If they said me something, I'll'll be like It's a waste of State Waste So there's no yeah, sorry But I actually say this thing and I would like you like I do get very worried that people think that it's all fake

Like when you're like hey man great to see you fucking love you people go like at all bullshit Just some people but I'm I'm trying to be okay with people thinking it's fake. I don't I don't want to be fake I just want to know I want to give it's look man. It's bad. It's better. people thinking it's fake. I don't want to be fake. I just want to give. No, I want to give. It's, look man, that's better. Okay, that's fake. But listen, no dude, look, people will think it's fake, a bullshit or whatever, who gives a shit. I finally learned it doesn't matter what anybody thinks including comics.

Other comedians don't matter. Yeah, I can say whatever I want do whatever the fuck I want because it just doesn't matter. I can say whatever I want and do whatever the fuck I want, because it just doesn't matter. Yeah. I mean, I'm gonna, even my friends who fucking will kill me for shit that I do, they fucking slam me. Yeah.

And it's like, okay dude, it's fine. Yeah. But it doesn't matter, because that's what I wanna do. So in six months, I might start like the tech talk shit that I'm doing on my Patreon, and I'll get slammed out of fucking you and your stupid shit. You always got to buy, but in six, seven months or two years, they're like, dude, you did, you, you know, I got slammed for this.

When I started this network and the podcast, people give me shit. Dude, what the fuck really a podcast? I remember people going, well, really, you know, the fuck you do a fake radio show. Yeah, I am. And so you some day stupid. You know what I mean? So you just kind of kind of do it and not care. Yeah, yeah. And, but, but be you, dude, you're

a loving guy. I think people know you, genuine. I've never had anybody say Greg Stone. Fake fuck. Never know. Just garbage. I've never heard anyone say that. No, but also because a lot of comics don't know me. So like the five people you've never heard a lot of time. I've never heard a lot of people say great guy either. Yeah, right. No one's really saying your name.

I brought your name up to all my friends and they were like, who? Yeah, like Joroldo he's dead. So let's change that. Let's change it. Let's change it this year. Yeah, what do you got? I've got, you can follow me on Instagram at Case Face B. I tell you where you don't got a lump in your neck.

I don't have a lump in my neck anymore. I don't have, okay, sorry more. Yeah, yeah, it's great. Case face B on Instagram, I've got a podcast called Not Another True Crime Podcast. It comes out every Monday. It's pretty fun. Is that a, is that a serial podcast?

No, it's we do different things every week. Really? Yeah. Is it real? Yeah. Yeah. What network is it on? It's on batches actually. Oh It's a pretty good if you're a bitch

You're a boxy Jew Don't tell him how old I am Very old for that work, but but we have fun over there and another true podcast case waste being on the 16th not to be golden gloves you but I'm doing a show at Chelsea Hall for For Australia So come to see that. Yeah, we'll raise money for us straight. We'll raise the money for them. God bless, don't bring no water. No, bring your money and bring. We just need more money and laugh at us. Yeah, yeah. Good for you. Yeah. And what do you got there,

sailor? Like sexy. Come on, sled dog. What do you got? Friday, check out my podcast, the red dude cast. It's a wee brother near and he has to need to be to go. Love that one. Why are we getting that, right? Yeah, yeah, we're in talks. We're in the duty talk. Love you, dude. I fucking love you. I love you. You're one of my new fair. I was telling my wife about you.

You're one of my new favorite people. Thank you. We're gonna do stuff together. You, I've known you for longer than you've known me. Yes, that's right. So you were my face. I saw you at MSG front row. Did really appetizers? I loved it. Oh, dude. Fucking that's great. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, Jim. I think you're the best. Thanks. He's a hard question. Is there a real Jeff Stone? Who? Because you he's this is what you hurt me. This is when you hurt me. Yeah. In the tarot bag. Who what comedians do you love this year? Bobby Kelly here I am, confident it's hell, turning the page to see who did Rob say, Jeff Stone.

I don't know, this is a real person. Jeff Stone. He got so close to saying Greg Stone. It was you. Was it? Yeah, because I didn't even ever wash you. It was like, it was you. I was holding you gay enough, but I don't know,

since when I was you. That was you. Oh, hilarious. It was supposed to be you. Oh, good, all right, go. It was Greg Stone. enough, but I don't know since me. I was you. Oh, hilarious. It was supposed to be. Oh, good. All right. Those Greg Stone. Yeah, I said Jeff Stone.

Yeah, I was like, I think there was a bit or there's a better stone out there that I had. No, it's you. It's actually you. I picked you, but I called you Jeff. That's a layer. Oh, my God. No, that's not.

Are you got it? Are you going to? Yeah, I thought it was funny. That's way more funny. Yeah, because it's not giving you the credit you share, but I am. I totally believe in you. That's, I like that better as long as there wasn't. I just needed someone from the back end to be like,

hang on, Rob's doing this, right? Because I was like, is there a Jeff Stone? No, it's you. It was absolutely you. I said you were my top pick, Jeff Stone. No, two. You're all Googling here. He doesn't even have any clips.

Stop it, the fuck is this guy? Oh, he doesn't have two. So he doesn't even have an Instagram or something? And the whole thing was because he's gay and people want gay now. And I'm like, I mean, he's talking about me. Oh, this is Jeff Stone. Sorry. But I've been working with 10 years ago.

Yeah, Jeff Stone. There's some Jeff Stone in Alabama going, he remembers. He remembers. He remembers. Yeah. All right, what else you got? This weekend, I'll be at a city team.

Friday and Saturday I'll be at city team with Louis Katz. We're just like having a good, just having a good time over at city team. Yeah, Friday and Saturday is gonna be fun. And every Sunday I'll be calling you. Yeah, I have a little leftover. I'm gonna call you. Thank you so much.

You're probably, I wanna thank Patreon people right now. Thank you so much for being members. Make sure if you're not a member, you listen to this podcast. If you're a fan of this podcast, go patreon.com slash Robert Kelly and just become a member. Sign up, there's different levels and different stuff,

but just sign up, become a member so we can keep doing the stuff like this. Okay. Um, the ones who remember, we have names or anything? No. The winner was Adam Inc. Uh, you do have a lot of names, but you are also going to hurry today and we have to be wrapping up.

We got to go. We got to go. Okay. We got to wrap up. Mike, what do you got? Well, you're going to be at the comedy connection this weekend. Yes. This weekend, baby, comedy connection.

Rhode Island, one of my favorite clubs. The creates with kids to be at the Emerald Theater in Detroit on the January 18th. And Tate Tate, we start back up. We started with one show, went to 14, and now we're going to December of 2020. And in March, you're going to be at the Grammar City Theater here in New York. That is almost sold out.

So get your tickets now. That's correct. Great with kids. Ron Bennington, Rich Voss, Jim Florentine, and Bobby Kelly. Yeah. Grammar seat probably has a special guest, right? Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

So just jammed yourself on the show. No, no, not me. People with kids. I know. He's kidding. I'm sure. Follow Bobby on Instagram at Robert Kelly Live. Follow the podcast.

Why can it be Dude Podcast? Follow me at Mike Fees Forrest and follow Gabby at. Gabby is Brian. And I have a podcast called Unabashed Podcast. Listen to that too. Yes, follow me at Mike Vs. Forrest and follow Gabby at Gabby is Brian and I have a podcast called Unabashed podcast. Listen to that too. Yes, Gabby. I'll be at the space ballroom in Bridgeport, Connecticut on the 24th with Chris DeTefno and the Bergata on the 25th.

Space ballroom. Yeah, so the eater I guess. Okay. Space. And yes, Gabby has a film coming out. Yes, I just put upby has a film coming out. Yes, I just put up a clip. Um, that Bobby's in its on our Instagram at morning morning film. Yes. And then I have a monthly show at the stand called Our Time of the Week, which is on Instagram too. Awesome. Check that

out. And we're going to put that clip on the WKWD and Bobby's Instagram as well, check that movie out and check out Bobby. Our little dinner at season two on Netflix Netflix right now. Check it out. And the people, I look at this comics that all right, no, no, no, that I know this. This you've, I get people are to they would take like Adrian's clip a bunch of comics and retweet it, which I have no problem with. I love Adrian. I'm hilarious. But if you didn't take my clip and retweet it, you're dead. To me, you're dead to me.

And you know who you are. So I'll give you a week. You have a week. That's a threat. You have a week to retweet it, my clip. Not everybody, not the moment that everybody, me. How would one find this clip? This is not my responsibility.

You have a week to do the... On Twitter, and you can do it on your main Instagram, then you can clear everything. But my clip. Okay, now I know Adrian's going and out, hey, can you retweet this? He's asking, I'm not asking. I'm above asking you.

I'm beyond it. If you retweet her clip or his clip and you didn't retweet my clip and you know me, you're dead to me. Look at my ass, you're dead to me. That's all I'm saying. And I want something to think of that. Bob Kelly murdered, you know, something really like,

wow, I don't want you to just check it out. Okay. You have a week to do it. If you don't do it and you know it out. Okay, you have a week to do it. If you don't do it and you know me, and you know who you are, and some of them are very tight with me. You're dead to me. You're fucking dead.

You can't find it. You're dead. I just found it. You're dead. It's on my Twitter. Me, not everybody else, me. Anyways, yeah, what else, Mike? That's it for it, Jack.

What do you got? Zach, then the new guy. That's right. You guys are the best fans of the world. See you next week. You know what did. Woohoo! That's fun. Oh, wait a minute. you You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos,

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