Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Five Whats

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

This episode we've got The LEGEND Rich Vos and "Keeping Joe"s Phil Hanley to talk about an incident on the Kreeps With Kids Tour and a story of true friendship in the airport, all while Vos refuses to put on his headphones! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My show What the fuck? I don't know. This sucks. This is an idiot. What did he have to make? Fucking deal with it. What do you want? Really, dude. Really, really. You know what, dude? I just lost my voice.

I just stink. Fuck you. Fucking worst. I Fucking worst I mean does that look like a meeting of morons? I think I can't say them. What's your phone? Meeting of my own that's a great name for a podcast. Yeah, I'm gonna change that this podcast to that I mean you just fucking don't even get it. I get everything. No, you can't get everything. What do I not get?

Because I told you you need the headphones. I know, Jordan. And you don't fucking use them. Yeah. I'm you're right here. I can hear you. I'm right across from you. I guarantee before this park, you go, what? What did you say? At least three times.

What? Are you crazy? So you just said that. I got, if you took calls, then I would wear headphones. We're taking calls. You should take calls. No, nobody's calling him. I'm kidding. I'll call him.

I'll call him. I'm kidding. Anyways. Okay, when I was, We have a great show today. My name is Bobby Hollywood Bob, and we have a fantastic show today. I'm excited for this one people All you dudes and doodats out there and people in the middle who just want to be called

They dudes We have awesome Christmas present for you guys Gabby tell me about the Christmas present We have Phil Hanley and Rich Voss All right, so you guys are giving us a gift. No, this is my guy, consider this. No, Gabby, fucking shirt you. Blonde. We have 20% off. It's hard to call you stupid because I know you're way smarter than me.

20% off sweatshirts. 20W sweatshirts. The best gift you can give somebody is yourself. Get yourself a nice hoodie. Treat yourself. We have a, a, a, a, a booted dude hoodies. We have the podcast logo hoodies. We have the, you're the best. And on the back, it says not you hoodies. Slow read day or something. No. We're promoting a hoodies. You got hoodies. I mean, you saw them at the f**kish, the tour.

Do you see the hoodies? Dude, on the creeps of kids, you know, I mean, people walked up with my shirt or the hoodie on. I didn't, I didn't. Yeah. Tell me, my son, my any of them. I wouldn't get a hoodie, how much are they?

Um, it doesn't matter, 20% off. So whatever they are, take 20% off of that. Okay. Right now, till Christmas, go to remember to be happy.com. Yep. How do you spell that? Remember to the number two happy.com. Thanks, Gabby.

And then, get yourself a nice YKWD T-shirt or hoodie. Hoodies of fucking shirt. Why do you smile? I just might look like a female cancer victim. A cancer and I'm transgender. you're gorgeous. Why does Mike look like a female cancer victim? Cancer and I'm transgender. Does it all? I'm not making fun. He looks like an ex-frient papa in the movie.

I think. He looks like an ex-frient. Let's see. One. I got one. I got one. Huh? You said what?

You just said what? No. Huh? What is the same thing? You can't hear me. If I do over three, I'll put the headphones on. Perfect. You got one. Okay, let's start now.

No, we're starting at the beginning when I said, I'll get three. Okay. You have one. I got one. And if I don't get three, what do you give me, honey? Do I get a hoodie? You can give me 20% off a one.

Yes. A special deal just for you. Yeah, I'll give you something at manscape.com. I got that. I got that. Now, when the showed the Americans went off the air, you would think he would have gotten another gig. But she's just pretty good. That's right. But it's very, very active. You think that if people can't see, I I mean it doesn't matter. They should. It was very professorial.

Yeah. Of course, Gary, now you can announce our special guests. Well, we have Phil Hanley and Rich Voss. Oh, why are we special? You're not. That was the joke. I was being sarcastic. No, you're very special.

I think I'm happy to be back. It's been like three years. Yeah, really? Why is three years? It's been busy. Yeah. People try to get you on. Yeah, things are going well.

But no, yeah, it was just bad timing and stuff. But anyways, I'm happy to be back. Yeah. Great. For the audio. See, I should give it should differentiate between him and I. This is an inconvenience. This is an inconvenience.

I'm just saying the best podcast is I like a podcast, but remember the day what you're between us is one of us lives in Manhattan. One of us. Yeah. One of us. Yeah. One of us had quite a good year and lived in the neighborhood. Where do you live?

Who are you living with? I live, uh, Mark Marin. Who are you living? No do you live with? I live Mark Marren. Well, first off, how dare you? Secondly, no, I live in the East Village. Yeah, who with? Just just myself and you know, changes if I take a lover. But you see a lot of rats in your I have seen some not in my building, but I have seen them in the neighborhood. What would stop them from your building? How do you know what's in the walls? Sure, you have a man. So, why would you? Why is that your question? You're just an old man.

Do you see rats? Yeah, because in Manhattan, like your surname is. I know, I lived there. At 16 years. I mean, on the west side where you were, rat village coming off the water there Dude, I'm worried about you boss. I think that you're fucking getting too old to be here I love feeding ducks and peed and birds. I know you do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. and how fucking bad that joke was. Can I punch it up for you? Yeah. All right. So just add the zoo. I'm going to do it.

Try it. It's better. When I was at the zoo, throwing you peanuts. Way better. Because now we get it's an elephant. Yeah. Because you went from a park bench to birds and stuff to throwing me peanuts. Now what is squirrel?

I would have said circus. Yeah, something. Circus something. Yeah. Yeah. I would would as it circus. Yeah, something circus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would as it one of your shows at the circus, but then again, well Yeah, I mean you live in the city It's a different vibe New York City comedians and Jersey comics. I think so yeah Jersey comics have a Bit of lack Me and a bit of lack. You mean a bit of lack.

What's that mean? I don't know, you're not talking to the mic. I said, what's that bit of lack mean? I may explain it, Phil. You can explain it better than me. No, I mean, Voss, this is what I love about Rich Voss, and this could be along this. But often when I'm in a green room, in between the early show and the late show on a Saturday, and you know how like green rooms are often like signed or whatever. Yeah. in between the early show and the late show on a Saturday.

And you know how like green rooms are often like signed or whatever. Yeah. And you're just kind of like looking around and, you know, thinking about going home or whatever to my Manhattan apartment. And then you'll just see on the wall rich boss legend. And I always, always makes me happy. Oh, well, it's funny because no one ever wrote legend underneath it. It's him. Oh, of course.

Yes. But, yeah, it always puts us on face. First of all, you don't wrote legend underneath it. It's him. Oh, of course. Yes. But, yeah, it always puts us on the face. First of all, you don't know who wrote it. And yes, I probably did to carry the message. And it's not AA. It's not alcohol, it's not. You're not helping younger comedians. Yes.

To look at to say, oh shit, I'm working the same place. He did, I better step it up. Yes. Yeah, step it up. Yes. Yeah, yeah, step it up and get into it a better club. Because it's probably a restaurant. You just said he works in a restaurant. You're trying to. He works, he works.

Yeah. You kidding me, Phil? Let me tell you something about Phil. Please, let me tell you. I want to hear it. Me too. Fucking one of the most amazing conversationalists sitting at a table. His stand-up is at another level. He's fucking his what do you call his attire? You know when it comes to culture and and and and buying stuff.

Top of the line. When it comes to knowing what good things are. Unbelievable. Thanks thanks boss. Okay. Yeah, when it comes to holding a secret that my wife told them bad is hell Bad what would you do? Can I say yeah, I don't care I feel bad and Bonnie who I love to not just because she's You're looking for not too. It's more I love the mequal but I the body just said in passing it Rich when they were moving had a lot of boxes of shoes. Yeah kind of said it in a masculine way and

I just and I related that to originals like oh fuck I the Bonnie said that to me as a friend and I don't want to, you know what I mean? So then I mentioned it to verse and then a pilot and then begged him to not mention it, which I knew he would probably know I didn't mention. Oh, really? Oh, he said he said on the point. He said I had a lot of boxes of fucking, you know, male porn than I would have been

mad. Yeah. So I have a box of shoes. I have boxes of clothes. I have, you know, so I don't know what, what small talk you guys were doing that you would say he has a lot of boxes of shoes. Because I was asking you. Not you, her. Oh, I was asking about your move. I know you had a big move. Oh, why are you talking to his wife? Why not? She's a comic, comics talk to comics on the phone. No, no, here. No, I think all there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, in her in her new room, it was pillow talk. Why does she have her own bedroom?

Oh, well, there's so many bedrooms in the house. How many? Four. That's not a lot. It is a, when we had two, fours a lot. Oh, yes, you're right. You're right. When you had two, fours a lot. Okay. I mean, it's just two more, but yes. Yeah, it's twice the amount. I know. Okay, I said that. All right. You said it's just two more. I said this is the same. What you rather have a million dollars?

What's your dollars or two million? Huh? I would be happy with a million. But would you rather have one or two? I mean, if I had a choice, I would take two. Okay, but it's not five. No, you're right. Because stand out in my house would have 10 bedrooms, cause it would be 10

bedrooms. A lot. You said it's a lot of bedrooms. It's a lot of bedroom. It's four. It's four. That's not a lot. It's a lot when you have to. I've been a homeowner for a long time. I saw I've I own a home when you were sitting yellow. Nah, you mean my job. In the diapers in your diapers. That's what you mean sitting yellow in. I'm not that much younger than you. Whatever.

I'm kidding, I am. I'm way younger. You're way younger. I could. I'm sorry to interrupt. But not any near-for-bedroom. Forbedroom. Forbedroom.

So you're saying, I have a bedroom downstairs. It's just right here. It's iconic. Which you see it. It's what? Which you see it. It's like, I can't. So which you see it. Did's what? Wait you see it. It's like, I got it. So wait you see it. Okay. Huh? Did that hurt? No, it's

humongous. All right. That's better. It's, are you talking about me or you're talking about the bedroom bedroom? I don't make those kind of jokes. You make them all the time. I make because you call me old and dumb. I never did. You called yourself. You call me all all the time. I can't do anything about my age, but you could maybe not eat a fucking fruit pie. Anyhow, listen to me. A what?

Fruit pie. I would not eat a fruit pie. I don't know. Fruit pie would be exactly what I should eat. Like blueberry or apple. I mean a blueberry pie. I hate you. I love blueberry pie. So I favorite. I have my own bedroom downstairs. We're fixing up to get some upstairs while sleep there. And sometimes I'll sleep in body. I'm married. Why don't you sleep in the bed? Well, you're wife.

Because I snore and I come in late. Why would I get a snorkeard? I'm working on that. I have snorkeling on it. What is it, a fucking goal? Listen. Just go buy one. Go fuck yourself and listen.

I'm listening. I'm just trying to do a bunch of, I spend $1 thousand dollars on a thing You fucking lock in your mouth at that fucking gave me anxiety because I was scared I was gonna fucking puking it and I find a wrench Thousand dollars Okay, I didn't talk about his ad libbing skills yet So anyhow, I know I'm overpowering and I'll and I'll bail out and let you talk about Canada.

So I'm overpowering it all. I am on very, I'm very, what do you call it? No, I'm clustered. No, cheap, jeez. Far from cheap. I got my dad. My fruit pie, let's go. Why do you have, so I in my own room and look at, we had sex got my dad. I'm a fruit pie. Let's go. Why do you have so in my own room? And look at we had sex in my room the other night. Sometimes we get up sex in her room.

It sounds like your roommates. Yeah, I told her we have sex to get out. I say go upstairs, get out of my room, get out of my place. You didn't. I sent her up when I went right after I came. Are you kidding me? What do I got in the say door? But she's upstairs, you're downstairs? She's upstairs, you're downstairs? Yeah, that's what you did. Wait a minute, dude. I know the apartment.

This is your nursery, man. I've never been married, but I do know when I'm in a relationship or whatever, which currently I'm single, so I was put that out there. But I want to sleep in the same bed as the woman I love. Yep. 15 years later, you get, look at you.

I feel like it'd be more attached. 15 years. Yeah, I actually got in my relationship. I love my wife more than I did when I first married her. I mean, I love lover. I mean, like I love coming home. I'm in bed. She's in bed.

I'll crawl in. She'll kind of roll over on me. Give me a kiss. Yeah. God'll kind of roll over on me. Give me a kiss. Yeah. God, she'll roll over on you. I thought you didn't make those jokes. Yeah. No, it wasn't anything about that. I just don't want you to roll over on your sleeping wife and wake her. What? Damn it. You guys take everything wrong. So on the road, don't you miss your wife on the road like to me? I can't sleep on the road. I sleep sideways on the bed on the road because I just can't single bed. No. I know what you're asking. I know what you're asking. What kind of bed. I listen, I love my wife. She know what makes me laugh. No one I would rather be married to than my wife.

Is it her choice or your choice? It's both of ours, not really her choice. Well, I snore and she wakes me up in the middle of the night. She keeps saying, and I mean, I don't think I'm snoring. And she'll go, stop snoring and I'll be mean like that. I'll be body you be you, ready? Snore. Rich, rich, you snke. Shhh. Rich, rich.

You snoring. Fuck off. What? Really? You scream? Yeah. I'm not snoring. Leave me alone.

You snoring. I hear you. You throw it. I'll record it. Okay, then come back to me with a recording. Jesus, rich. You, it's like you going out. I'm going to sleep on the couch. So you leave and go on the couch. That's what I used to do in the old place and the small place in this in the townhouse

Yeah, the small place. Yeah, the townhouse. Yeah, the small place. It's not small. It was small I've been there you weren't you weren't I went all over it you did You didn't go into pool. Yeah, but it's not your pool. It is yesterday I have a pool then too the community pull down. Yeah, but it's not your pool. It is. Yes, it is. I have a pool then too. The community pool down. No, it's not a community pool. It's a good house pool. Is it just you?

Yes. On Tuesdays. No, I'm not. It's 70 other people get to use. Yeah. So my kids have someone to play with. Yeah. Well, I have the same thing down the street.

No, you don't, you have to pay extra for it. I don't pay extra. I'm part of the community. No, no, you don't go to a, there's no green bird pools. We get to go. Yeah, then you know what that's full of. Same thing that's full of yours. Oh no.

Oh, you mean. Jesus. I mean, transients. Yours is full of transients. What did you say? Transients. I have no transients at the name. And first of all, you just said what you say.

Now you got one and you have your headphones on. I didn't say because I didn't hear you. I said it because I couldn't believe what you would say. Transients? Yeah, well yes. Yeah, I knew what you meant. Is he transitioning? Yeah, into a bigger one. He looks like an out of work bearded lady from De Circus. He's wordy, but I like it. He really does look likework bearded lady from De Circus. Wordy, but I like it. He really does look like a bearded woman. I think the pop extra, the pop by extra heavy. He does look like a pop by extra, which is a compliment.

Yeah, I want to give him a fucking, I want to gladly give him a burger. So it's a month and a two's day. Hey, listen, uh, you got this big house. Now you got to go downstairs. So you sleep by yourself every night. Sometimes, every night. Only so far every night. Why can't you admit it?

I just didn't admit it. Why am I not? You didn't, you said so far every night sometimes. Well, no, in the old place, I would sleep upstairs too. So you sleep by yourself. Oh, it's so peaceful. Isn't it a cure for snoring? Isn't there anything you can do? Well, I hear a upstairs too. So you sleep by yourself. Oh, it's so peaceful. Isn't it a cure for snoring? Well, I hear a good thing.

I've had... I think it's extra for him. I don't breathe through my nose. I don't breathe through my nose. Okay, I always breathe. Do you breathe through your mouth or nose? I breathe through my nose, my mouth. Your mouth.

So that's why you snore, because we breathe through our mouth actually. I'm reverse What when I I try to breathe through my mouth because if I breathe through my mouth I get air and I don't snore when I get my nose See that I can't I have a deviated septum forget my nose broken so much Why did you get your nose broken so much cut beat up a lot when I was a kid? No, huh? You've a stunning nose. It's not even a bummer. No, huh? You have a stunning nose. It looks perfect.

Well, I got it the outside fix, but the inside's twisted a little bit. Oh, gosh. I only breathed out of one of my nostrils. Who did your note? Who fixed it? It's a Mendian guy. Hold on, let me call Arty.

Jesus. My Lord. It's never a little sensitivity. I was gonna calm collect I was wrong. What's wrong with our his nose nothing. He just landed the uh he's doing Operation he's gonna be so he's gonna be the new patient in the game God I was really looking forward to that end of that sentence The end

I just career How are you all right? It's not, it looks, it always looks, it's easy. You got to look back to that. Oh, you look, you definitely have AIDS look. I lost weight.

Yeah, you can tell. We'll put it back on. Hey, you look pretty, you all right? I'm in the middle. No, I'm good, yeah. Why'd you lose? You get sick?

Uh, yeah, I had a lot going down. I was just like, yeah, how old are you? How old are you? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Yeah, the lot going down. I was just like yeah, how old are you now? Quite a young man. I Know I had a breakup. Oh, you girl. Yeah, the one you were living with the new bronze week No, but you got another one after now. No, no, she the yeah, she lived out of town I talked to you. I saw you and Bobby was such a great friend and made me feel much better. The evening when it all went down.

Oh, he came back here and yeah, you still have the chair. The chair from the first one that one chair. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I still have the Eams chair. And now what chair is it? It's like a Eams chair. What's that? It's like a 1950s type chair. Yeah, yeah, like a mid century.

Yeah. Oh, like the doctor, the therapist chair. A look. Chase. Don't you have somebody to, you know, chase them. No, that's different, stupid. Don't you have somebody to bring it up? A chase lounge goes like that. This chair goes like that.

Yeah. Sure. So, but anyways, so you have this very expensive chair that keeps winding up back in your property after these relationships. Yeah, it's been shipped all over the place. Wow What is it you got it? Oh? Yeah, it's a therapist. Yeah, all therapists have legs. Brazier very expensive. Yeah, well beautiful chair. Thank you You have the ottoman with it. Yeah, holy hit that one 7 6500 Yeah, you know what for 700, but it's not a real one. Yeah

6500 You know what for 700, but it's not a real one. Yeah What the fuck is paying 60? 6300 fucking you can't get the chairs man. They don't make them yeah What do you mean they don't make them I'm looking at them right now I can't stand you you know what I mean you're fucking goose That'd be good to feed myself, huh be good for the base. Oh, we already put couches down I just today put up a 55 inch television. I hung my two 55-inch. I was gonna get bigger, but it's,

the chairs are too close to have a bigger TV. You can get a 65 inch TV right now, 65 inch for $328. Have Walmart. Yeah, 65. That what brand name? I think it was a Vizio or it was a Vizio is not bad. Brand name.

Uh, it doesn't matter. If it lasts a year for three hundred and twenty eight dollars, a 65 inch, and I play that number three twenty eight because that's one of my kids birthdays and you're a fucking degenerate. And I won yesterday. But anyhow, seven, you won. You won? I'm just a pick three. I do. You're getting you're getting bad.ate. And I won yesterday, but anyhow, seven, three months. You won? I'm just a pick three.

I do, you're getting bad. No, I'm not. I didn't do any scratch off this week. I'm gonna say one thing to you. And I'm gonna tell you one thing. I'm gonna tell you something. What? I've been on tour with you now.

Yeah. For fucking what? Two months? No more. Three months. You're getting bad. No, I stopped. Yeah, you want us to do casinos so you can gamble

I said you want to go and you said no, I can't yeah, I'm not going either. I drove peskishino the other night I go I'm not going there I'm not going there because I don't want to blow the money But sometimes when I'm at it because you know working I might play every day there It gets boring What do you do you do stuff to fill the empty void sometimes. Why do you get a big empty void? You smoke cigars.

Why are we taught? This is what you do all the time. We're talking about you. I don't want it to be always about me. I wanted it to be about us. What are we? A couple. That's beautiful.

That's beautiful. I wouldn't let him sleep in the basement. I'll tell you that. We could snoring fucking assholes upstairs. Just both of us waging each other up all night. So, you know, you smoked the other day, an audience member brought us cigars, and a real good one that I used to smoke,

I go here, Bobby, you have it, because I was scared if I smoked it, I go back to cigarette. Yeah. So I don't smoke. He has cigars to relieve his fucking, you know, whatever. Yeah. He goes to cigar.

Now, you go to cigar lounges all the time. You probably have $10,000 worth of cigars. No, I don't. You probably have at least $2,000. I have around, maybe around a thousand. Really? That's's wild and your cigar Humidor humidor humidor humidor humidor humidor. Okay. What are you fucking think you're the fucking prince of England? Humidor go fuck yourself. I didn't say

You said you muddor and I just corrected you. Yeah, it's you even to it. It's not what a wife is with an age. Kill him. I wish somebody would say that about you. So he has that. I'm sure you have a couple drinks. Okay, but we're talking about you. Okay, but it's easy to point the finger at somebody

without looking at yourself. Listen, it's not I'm worried about you. I am not gonna fucking lose my family and everything over a couple cigars. He's gonna have a couple scotches. It is not gonna come all tumbling down. Yeah, we'll just last two girlfriends. I could point.

What? Winston Florida, Winston Pennsylvania. They broke up with you because you're drinking? Oh God no, no, no, I barely ever drink. Why not? I drink. It both were, it's complicated. One was moving home.

The other. I'm like the last one. It was, yeah, it might have been a cultural difference. What was she? Indian. Indian from, India, India from kiss like from her family was from India. She's from the States from the States. Yeah, and they didn't like you Yeah, that was the we didn't really meet but But also, I mean, we had been together for two years and it did kind of play. It's course really yeah, but it was sad

I'm a sensitive man, Rich. Did you break up with her? Did you break up with you? It was mutual. Thanks, Rich. Can I fucking ask him what he was lawyer? Mm-hmm. It would be so good. It looks like a sluber.

Was it? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Are you, uh, I did you did you break up with her? It was wasn't mutual. It wasn't bad. It wasn't actually that mutual But you you heard her you heard me. Well, she so you got hurt Yeah, I don't think she was she yeah, I don't think it was like an easy it was a difficult situation, but I Feel I do feel better when she broke up with you. did you get the text message that night or in the day?

I got the text that night. She didn't do it by text? No, it was like back and forth. It was the whole thing. She did it by text. No, but there was like, there was a lot of text involved. Yeah. So it was by text.

You conversation and then clarified in a text. Oh, really? Now did you have to go get your shit out of there right away? I know because I was on the road, and then I finally did it though. And that was when I started to feel better. When you got your stuff on. Yeah. How long, how long, you were with her two years?

Yes. So usually a breakup is a month a year. So if you're with somebody for two years and two months you're back to pretty much back to normal. Oh, because people say it takes half the time of the relationship. That's a month a year. Really?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, I definitely feel better. But I got 15 months ahead of me. If you have a program with Bonnie, I'm done. It was done. Done. Two comics are you kidding me? Oh, I'm done. What what? I'm done. I'm done. You two comics are you kidding me?

Oh, I'm done. What do you mean two comics? Well, because you're in the same business. So you know, she's gonna be banging some young fucking color. Some writer that's a showrunner that, you know, it's not gonna bang any guy. She's, I hope she'll be banging like Gabby's. No, or whatever. And I'm gonna be, you I'm gonna be trying just to get back into an improv. As she's fucking show running and as, whatever. And she'll take my kid and. So she'll have to take her.

Well, it's a mom, you know. She'll be like, let's go. Yeah, and the kid will go, Well, you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to leave the house. She's gonna take the house. No, no, no, no, you can't take a burnt-down house. Would you hurt, would you like that shit on fire again? No, first of all, when the other one burnt, I was in California.

Second of all, we're not breaking up. We're soulmates. But what soulmates, What does that mean? We were meant for each other. I believe that. Yep. I believe in that. Did you, had you dated a comedian before Bonnie? Dated or banged?

Uh, either I guess. And, uh, a lot. I don't think I have a, I don't know if I dated one. I guess that would be my fear. I'm so, I guess just because of, uh, I have been broken up with before. Don't do it. I get so, um, so pessimistic. Cause I'm like, I don't because of, I have been broken up before. Don't do it. I get so pessimistic because I'm like, I couldn't deal with about to go on stage and then you deal with your ex

or you deal with your ex's new boyfriend. They're dope. Don't look at me, Phil. Don't have a date. No, I wouldn't. No, headshots. No headshots. That's a good rule.

If she has a headshot, you fight it. No, you have a headshot. I've never dated anybody with a headshot. That's so good. Ever you're not. I've never dated anybody with a headshot. That's so good. Ever. I don't think, I mean, I've probably dated. My rule is this, one drama mama in the relationship. It's it.

I believe you're wrong. You are lucky. You are an anomaly that you worked out. You're an anomaly. I was complimenting you. Okay. You should know what I was, I was complimenting you. Okay. Using a word that you probably don't know what it means. I know what anomaly means.

You fucking dummy. You know, I, I, I'm telling you, I know all my friends, you're the smartest dumbest person I know. Like when it comes to electronics, genius. I'm, I'm smart. I know everything. Oh, okay, Fredo. I'm smart.

Shut up. I do. But that's why I'm smarter than you. I don't claim to be smart. Oh, we're gonnaado. I'm smart. Shut up. I do. But that's why I'm smarter than you. I don't claim to be smart. Oh, we're gonna go with that one again. It's not that I claim to be smarter. I know, I, I'm smarter than you because I know my, my flaws. I know what I'm not.

I know my flaws. No, you think you're good at everything. Most. See? That's why I'm doing what I'm not good at. A friendship. I'm great at that. No, you, you're kidding me when I walk back from the plane to you.

Huh? Now we have to tell them the story. That sounds like a beautiful specific end of the notebook. What happened? Okay. Well, I'm so sensitive. I'm still coming off this, I'm going to shed a tear, man. Take it through it.

You can cue the strings. This is beautiful. Well, you know, we put this tour together. And I understood, I understand being on a tour with four head and three headliners. Yeah. I understand that it's kind of like Ron does his thing with Deb, the tour manager, that's like his,

she's running the tour, but they're, they're, they're close. Anyway, you know what I mean? She runs Ron's kind of, you know, she's his manager through. And I know that Jim Florentine and him are going to kind of team up to do things. And I'm kind of on my own. Get the fuck out of this. Let me just, yes. Absolutely.

Absolutely true. I thought you guys, you, me and you are more. Go ahead. You guys were telling us. Now you talked to Jim. I told you way more. I told you I have a new base. They live in Jersey together. That's just making stay in the hotel. They travel together. They're coming from Newark. It's not a bad thing. It's not a, it's not I'm in West Chester. I'm kind of where I'm at. Yeah. I kind of do my own thing. Uh-huh. But that's not a bad thing. It's not a, it's not I'm in Westchester. I'm kind of where I'm at. Yeah. I kind of do my own thing. Uh huh.

But that's not a bad thing, you know, it's the way it is. So anyways, we do this one run where I'm like, oh, we're all gonna, we kind of get together. Like, let's all go drive to this one together. It was the first show of the tour. Let's, Howard, it was ready for the meeting. Let's all, we had to go to Pittsburgh after that. We're going to fly home. So let's all, we run into No, it was. Redding cuts him in. We had to go to Pittsburgh after that. We're going to fly home. So we run into the car.

We run into the car. Right. I'll drive to Rich's house. He ran to the car. And we'll drive to redding together. We'll all stay in the same hotel. We'll drive to Pittsburgh together. We'll all stay in the same hotel.

Right? And then we'll fly out the next day together. And I'm the same. We all buy the same ticket. We're all going to do this together, which I thought I knew the whole tour couldn't be like that. Yeah, just that one, which because, you know, but this one would be nice to do. That, you know, kind of, you know, it's been a long road for this concept, this crease with kids thing from when I started at the village underground to actually, you know, put it together.

I worked really hard behind the scenes with Deb and Matt Frost and, you know, and Ronnie and trying to get this thing to where, you know, branding it. And there's a lot of work that goes in this. You can't just book the kids and show up. Yeah. I had a lot of plans in my head that I had to happen. You know, and you don't build a house without a foundation. So this was going to be a really epic beginning, right? And then we do the show, and it's great, and then we drive all this fun stuff in the colors, hilarious. We do Pittsburgh. It's

so awesome. We go back to the hotel that night, and we're fucking waking up in the morning, and we So we go back to the hotel that night and we're fucking waking up in the morning and we go to the airport and it's fucking great. And we get there and we're driving by and there's a flight leaving earlier. There's one, you know, it's leaving at 7.30 or 8 o'clock instead of nine or seven instead of nine. I say something like that.

And Florentine, you know, we're all road dogs by ourselves. He's like, we should jump on that flight. We should get on this earlier, get us in at nine. And Vos is like, oh, let's see, ah, it sounds great. And I'm like, yeah, I can't do that. I paid for this ticket, but I paid for first class. Yeah. I'd be losing a ton of cash.

I go, if they can transfer it, I'll do it. But if they can't, I'm not taking a whack on that. I'm just gonna wait by myself. Yeah. And I told them, I go, go, can transfer it, I'll do it, but if they can't, I'm not taking a whack on that. I'm just gonna wait by myself. Yeah. And I told them, I go, go, don't worry about me. I get it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So, they were sitting there like, I knew comics. I know the fuck and they're gonna do what they wanna do. Yeah. I'm not gonna tell you, hey, will you stay with me? Yeah. So, they couldn't do it. So, I'm just like, guys, go, goodbye, go do your thing. It's gonna go to a lounge by myself anyway.

I do it all the time. Yeah. I mean, it would have been nice for sure. For sure, it was the best. If they were like, yeah, fuck that, we'll stay with you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I went and sat by myself and I was just sitting there

like, well, I wouldn't have done it. I would have stayed. Yeah. That's my, that's who I am. Uh-huh. That's the way I was brought up. I have I would have stayed. Yeah. That's who I am. Uh-huh. That's where I was brought up. I have compassion, civility, values.

Those guys don't. You know what I mean? And I'm okay with that. This selfish. I put the whole tour together. I literally gave them a whole, I mean like, yeah, I could have picked any, I could have picked you. Totally.

I could have picked anybody. When my agent was like, who do you want in the tour? I picked those people. Yeah. The way I literally said, I want rich boss and gym quarantine. If you could have got first class on the earlier flight, you would have gone on it though. I picked those people and I was like,

this is the people I want. Yeah. Let me, let me, you know, would you have gone on the flight if you could have got first class? So then I said, I can't go, just go. And they were like, all right. And I walked away alone.

And I was sitting, yeah, I was sad. And what, I tell you, I was a little sad. I was sitting there trying to figure out my emotions out at the time. Ah, you know, whatever, dude. They're fucking selfish people, whatever. They gotta do what they gotta do and they wanna get home. And here's the part that fucked me up is that

I had to go to Rich's house to get my car. So he was gonna get home early, I was gonna get home later and have to go to the same place to get my car. So I'd have to get an Uber, go to his house, getting my car by my second enemy. Yeah. So but lo and behold, I'm sitting there

and you know, like 10 minutes after they boarded yeah, supposedly Rich Vos 10 minutes after they boarded, supposedly, Rich Voss walked up and he's like, hey, I'm not letting you sit here by yourself. Yeah! Yes! Our hero! It's about to come to legend.

Yup. Yup. So cute! Oh, I never told you they gave me my suit away. Oh! I don't think so. So cute. I never told you they gave me my shoot away. Oh, really? Oh, so we went, but it did. I'm gonna be honest, I know no other community

it would be honest about this. Yeah. It really did make me feel good. Oh, no, that's great. Cause he came back and said, I'm not gonna do that. And Florentine, he's like, Florentine wanted to see his kid. First of all, fuck him.

It was an hour difference between seeing your kid and not seeing your kid. Yeah. Florentine just wanted to get the fuck out of there, which I don't expect him to stay. But I kind of did expect my friend from us to stay. And he did. And we went to a lounge and I got him in my lounge and we had a nice little breakfast. We had a lovely breakfast. And we flew home together. And I was so excited. And I got to in my lounge and we had a nice little breakfast. We had a lovely breakfast. And we flew home together and I was so excited. And I got there. I want to go see my kid too and my kid was calling me and we landed and we went to the rental.

But before the rental cut place, he had to go and buy scratch offs for fucking 30 minutes. Oh, that doesn't take that. In a 7-11. I'm sitting there talking to my kid going, I'm coming home soon, but he fucking was in there, scratch your tickets and waitin' in line to get a number. First of all, no.

I'm not lying, I don't lie. I bought, it was 20 minutes. No, at least 20 minutes. It was five minutes and I had five minutes. It wasn't scratch-offs. You can buy scratch-offs any time. Yeah. I had to get the numbers,

because midday comes out at one. Yeah, he had a gamble. So the gambling problem. Five minutes. Yeah, he had a gamble. So the gambling problem, I minutes. Yeah, but he literally, if he took the original flight and I took the flight, I took, I could have met him at that fucking place. He went to the same time.

I take my wife, my wife exaggerates so much. And that's what kills me. I want to fucking ice cream because just tell the truth. And quit. I feel like she's exaggerating, but the whole snoring thing. Oh no, I snore. But last night last night she came home and she went, oh, I go. She came home and I go, look, your dog, because it's her dog, not mine. I, the dog's beautiful. It's a nice year. I go, your dog went to the bathroom in the living room and in your bedroom. Number two. So first

while I go, I walk upstairs, she's in the kitchen, I go, you can't come down and visit me. It's like, it's like your room downstairs. It's so weird. It's like a bed and breakfast. So boss, boss literally lives in a bed and breakfast. I would be though, if I lived in that scenario and I understand what the story thinks of that, I would feel the same way, like if my wife or girlfriend or whatever came home, I'd be like sitting there, I'd be like,

kind of sit out, I'd be like, I'd be like, come down or she didn't come down and be like, come down. No, my home curtains, my home pictures, what it was gone. Yeah, dude, listen up. It's not normal what they're doing. It is normal, I ask any therapist, it's not normal what they're doing. It is normal. Ask any therapist.

Some people like to have their own room. I mean, you want me to call, I wish I could call my there, my friend who's a therapist. You could. She might be having a patient right now. Oh, follow. See if she's not. Let's say you find out your phone's in front of you. Oh, quarter to four. It's one o'clock. Oh, we know what time it is. Stop doing the outside voice, the inside voice on the outside. And fucking really, he just doesn't know when he's talking or when he's not talking. Who?

Who do you think? I know stupid. Yeah, it actually made me feel good. Yeah, I bet that's really sweet. Yeah, Florentine just left I would I can't imagine it Florentine would like grow up. You're a man. You're a father. Who cares? But when you're a wafes stop being such a lazy like and was he what an hour such a small amount of time

Look, yeah, you know, I don't do that shit anymore when I'm in an airport I'm leaving on the plane that I I feel number one Superstitious. Yeah, if I get on that other plane, they crash is I'm a fucking I'm gonna kill myself on the way to heaven. Yeah I mean like fucking cry why it's crazy delayed or something? Well, I just feel like that's the plan. I'm supposed to be on yeah Let's just do cares There's always a flight you could jump on or something. Yeah. But it's just like, I don't know, I just go to the lounge. I have some fucking yogurt, a couple coffee, I chill the fuck out and I get on the plane,

I'm supposed to get on. Yeah. Rich boss. I had a question, hope ball is well, talk to you later. Did you just leave a voicemail? I just left a voicemail, the rich boss hope ball is well, talk to you later. Oh God.

Maybe he's still called Matt. Maybe. Yeah. Anyways, yeah. So it was, that's the tour thing. But where were we going before you tried to throw me out of the bus? What are you talking about?

Before you made me give you fucking accolades. What, oh, about what tonight? No, I don't know. You were talking about something and then he was like, what about all the thing when I fucking did that? No, yeah, because it's easy. I wouldn't have left you too. But I wouldn't know. You were talking about something and then he was like, what about all the thing when I fucking did that? No, yeah, but what because it's easy. I wouldn't have left you too, but I wouldn't have left.

I wouldn't have done it as a fucking reveal. I would have just never done it. Well, I would have said he would have said, hey, you're like, no, I'm staying with us. Here's your problem. If you could have got first class, you would have done it too. What do you mean? You had first class on the regular flight. Yeah.

On the earlier flight, if they would have gave you, I would have got, I, you would have got on. I would have gone with you guys. Yes. Of course. So you also were looking out for yourself. No, I don't want to lose a hundred bucks. And that's the difference. It was a hundred bucks. Different. It was more than that. No, it was a hundred dollar different. No, I looked it up. You did not look it up. I know. You're lying. You did not look. Yeah. I know. I know. I know lying. You did not look, yeah. And I know. I know the difference. No, you don't, I do, I paid it.

California to New York. It was Pittsburgh to New York. I know what the fucking price was and it wasn't on. And I got bumped up to first class. I didn't have to pay. When? With you on that, because of my status. Now that made me mad too.

That was like, fuck. That's cock second just got what I paid for for nothing. Who do you play with? I play Delta. I play you nine. Only. What are you playing? But that was United that he was on.

Are you platinum? I'm like two seconds away. Yeah. This year. Nice. What do you mean from a platinum? Yeah. Yeah, but you got told January 1st.

Yeah, I know. I'm fucking flying to Aruba. I'm fucking flying to Wisconsin tomorrow. I'll take two clubs that won't use me. What do you mean, clubs? Oh, Aruba Ray won't use you? He hasn't used me ever. No.

Really? Did you call them a fucking idiot? I call them a cunt, not an idiot. Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm act. So stop using his act. Is it? Yes. Do you think I watched that horribleness? Why would he, I don't know why he's, because you know, in the beginning, he didn't use me. And then it built to me. Yeah, but I've had plenty of people in clubs, not use me for years. And then I never talk bad about them. I didn't talk bad about them.

And then they say that to his face. And then they use me, except for the Washington DC and for fuck you, whoever you are. Because I've been trying to get in there for fucking Washington DC improv fuck you whoever you are Because I've been trying to get in there for fucking 15 years and you won't let it happen. I'll fucking play the streets You know what I'll play that little theater down there. He offered me to small room down there. Who's that? Who's she? Allison, I like she's very nice. Whatever. I don't know the small room fucking nice. Yeah, I'll do the small We're actually we're doing a theater in DC. Creeps with kids is coming to DC and we're gonna do a theater.

How's that grab your tits? And then I'm gonna fucking, I like the other club. The DC draft house. Well, we have, I fucking love that. I have this in the black box. No food. You come in, you do your show. The guy who runs it's fucking great. Yeah, it's no big hunt. Yeah, I love that guy come in, you do your show, the guy who runs, it's fucking great.

Yeah, it's no big hunt. Yeah, I love that guy. Yeah, they're great. Fucking great. I did the Arlington Draft House. Nice hotel. For 10 years, the other one, the main one. For at least 10 years since my kid, what a kid there.

See, the nicest people on the plant, we always made money. One weekend we didn't, because it was Easter weekend, which I should have never took. Yeah. It was my mistake and their mistake. Okay. But we've made money. What's the point? They just won't return my emails. I didn't know where. This, this is somebody you had a 10 year relationship with and all of a sudden just doesn't answer your emails. So I took some other gig there. And if we do do a theater then I don't have to do either one of them But this is somebody at least you get back to go hey Maybe you're too much money or maybe

You know, we're trying to get new fit whatever. Yeah, it's been two years and they haven't got back So you know what I It's it's it's just bad It I would never do that to somebody. I would never do that. Yeah, if you know what, it's just bad. I would never do that to somebody. I would never do that. Yeah, if you consider a friend. Just, what are you gonna understand?

You're not a friend, but someone you had a good working relationship with. Yeah, but club, listen. Club owners, they're running a business first and foremost. They care about their families first and foremost. Yes, of course. The relationship with us is important to some of them. I will say that, but they have to worry about them. And whatever the fuck it was that they're not using you for it. And you have to realize this too. How many weeks a year do they book comedy? 55 headliners. Okay, 55 headliners. Or 52. Yeah, 52.

It's 52. Sometimes I have two on each show. Where'd he get on three shows I have two? 55. Why did I even, I knew, why did I say, I was 55. I knew it was 52 weeks a year. That was good. My dyslexic brain, I was like, what the,

did I? I was fucking, why would I have a listen? You know, but he's smart. It's about 52 a year. He smarter than me. I hate you, we know, shut up. Hahaha. Hahaha.

Hahaha. Hahaha. We, uh, but I know that they use certain comics. You know, there's a lot of comics around now. You know, look, you can go to their website. Let's go to their website. I guarantee they have to people on their website. I know I guarantee three quarters,

and this is a guarantee, three quarters, I'm funnier and a better comic. I guarantee that. And every year, we made money. Every year, I was doing a door deal with them. They did not lose money. So if there's a fucking problem, then you just say, hey, maybe we can't afford the door deal.

We could do this. Just don't leave me fucking hanging. Everyone has every comic has clubs that they don't play. They want to play or they play and they don't know why they didn't go back. But I will say that sometimes I will, I'll be at a club and I always, if I have a friend that hasn't played there in a while, I'll always voucher the person.

And often you, and it seems, I've done that with my- I can read it as sincere. I'll be like, you know, this comic, and be like, oh, we love him. Yeah, he hasn't been back for a few years or she hasn't been back for a few years. Sometimes there is a sincere,

I mean, there's so many comics, and now there's like, you two people and all the shit. Sometimes people will send the letter and then they'll send us a fuck you letter after it. No, I only told one guy, not fuck you. I like I said to you, I sent it to one guy who would never use, he never used me ever. And then when I was talking to him on, he's just, I heard he's a psycho. And on the phone, we're talking, he goes, I don't know if you're right for the club. I go, look, I've been doing this. There's no club I can't do. I can do alternative to a knife fight. I can do it. Yeah. And he goes, well, he said this to me, he goes, well, I have used magic acts. Right? I go, what the fuck are you comparing? So he still never used me. So I wrote him a text,

which I still have. Yeah. I go, look, I want to work your club. But the weekend you put me there, can you please not come? Cause I don't like you. And then he wrote back, he wrote back and then I wrote to him. What are you right back? I got the whole text here. What are you right back? You want me to read it? No, I want you to fuck. I don't remember. Try. Try to remember it. I can't. Hold on, it's really funny. That is funny. But that's the shit that I would never get into. Yeah, because you don't know, maybe he would have a change of heart and you'd work there in the year.

And you don't know why they stopped using you. You never did use me. Nobody if you take all that stuff personally, it's not gonna have a positive effect on things. Well, some of it's not personal. Some is like, well, what the fuck to say? And you're not as funny as you used to be. I'm way fun. I've ever been. You know what I mean? I mean, there was there was last comic

standing boss. And now there's, oh, I was not. Let me talk about being sober. What are you talking about? Watching you find something on your phone is like, I don't know what I have it on. What's the order the creeps of kids you get switched up? Well, this is the fun thing about about the show. We, I think the reason why the show for me, I'm just speaking for me is no stress because everybody gets paid the same yeah, favorite nations and everybody kind of picked what they wanted to go. Oh, really?

Oh, wow. That's, that's you know what's gonna be a good show too, just to have that. Like in hindsight, I should have, I should have said, I'm gonna headline and I'm gonna give more money than everybody. Yeah.

No, I'm kidding. If I did that, it would have been, I, it's a wee thing. We all just show up. And it's so, there's no ego, there's no anything that we're really worrying about backstage. Nobody's worrying about where they're going. And nobody's worrying about who's,

everybody just does their thing. We have a lot, just laughs. That's great. We show up in the laugh, we fucking bust each other's balls. We do the show. We do the panel at the end, which is fucking the, to me, the last one we did was so. How long is the panel?

20 minutes. Okay, so maybe, it's like a set, we all do 20. Yeah. So that may be 20. And then we all go out every night and do a meet and greet. Anybody who wants to stay, we meet everybody. That's a hell of a show. Yeah.

It's a huge deal. I do. Boss house. Oh, cool, cool. And he's a great host. Yeah, he goes out and, I mean, except in Chicago, but he's a killer. I do boss house. Oh cool. Okay. And he's a he's a great host. Yeah. Yeah, he goes out and I mean, except in Chicago, but he's a great. Oh, I was one of my in my top two favorites. Chicago is great. It was made. Okay, here's the the seriously very racist. I did that's not my Richard. He's not. Here's what I wrote to this guy.

You're a man, he gets. Here's what I wrote to this guy. I do think you're an ass, but I do want to work your club. So if you bring me in, can you stay away that weekend? Voss, he wrote, I'm good thanks. I wrote, so I take that as a maybe. That he wrote, I could actually care less about this. Please don't contact me again.

I wrote, sounds good. What state was this in? It's that fucking guy, Jared, at the attic or something in Bloomington, uh, sat Minnesota or some guy. I mean, everybody's had a problem with them. Oh, people have a problem. I've heard. I've worked, I didn't have. Some guy, I mean, everybody's had a problem with them. Oh, people have a problem with them. I've heard. I've worked out.

I didn't have a problem with Jared. I like Jared, yeah. It's an easier, because you're a nice guy. You're a nice guy. Well, I don't know, but I'm, and you're not controversial. You're a nice guy. That's true.

You're very, you're very blasey. No, I mean as much as the, I would say, but I would say vanilla. Vanilla? No, no, I would say, but I would say vanilla. Vanilla? No, no, I would say moh. Actually, I forgot you were here against that white wall. With the,

I mean, you blend in. Yeah, I forgot the wall was here because you're here. Oh, he's not, he's not. We got it. I was just mean. Oh, sorry. I never make those.

Oh, that was kind of good. Yeah, it was good. It was, it was, it wasn't bad. I thought, oh sorry. I never make those Oh, that was kind of good. I was good. It was good. It was It wasn't bad. I thought it was good. I just over everyone's head. I heard my feelings. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No, I'm just kidding. You're so mean-spirited about my blaséness. No, you're not. No, I'm just polite. I mean, I wouldn't if if I'm blasey because I wouldn't send that text. Although I admire you standing up for yourself. That's just not my style. No, plus I get booked there.

So, yeah, I mean, there's like, listen, I actually think, I never heard of the club. Is it fun? Yeah, I heard of the comedy. The comedy addict is fun. I heard, yeah, I take it back, I've heard of it. I've never. I'm New Macons of New York town.

I can tell you 10 clubs I won't use. A lot of them don't, but also two. I'm an aggressive, I'm a kind of comic. You know what I mean? You're gonna get, you might get one or two or three complaints, but you're gonna get 90 people to have a great time. You know, I would, I mean, you're 97. Would I, would I, there's gonna be, there's gonna be like a few that.

90% of the people would like you. Yeah, no, probably 95, but I'm not gonna fail. I mean, 99. Probably like Chicago. I don't feel. 99 people that like you. Those two people that talk. Two people that didn't like me too.

You're right, hate me, hate me. And we did what? We did what, 14 tour dates. We did, I think, something like that. I'm just gonna wrap it up. Eight men and two people. Two people out of that place. people out of out of 10,000 yeah That was it was 10,000 maybe a little yeah about 10,000 people two people didn't like me

That gets you know That didn't it's nothing didn't like them they hated me I mean you know to these people because they stood up and went fuck you You know what they were saying I don't they just had to assume though, right? I couldn't hear it was way in the back. Really? What did you say that's funny? I didn't even see that.

I, whatever. I go my daughter and it's so crazy. First of all, and this is the only part I'll bring up now and move on because it's a ridiculous thing. Bob Dining here. I go my daughter dates and lives with a black dude. I have three daughters. I go one of them dates a black guy.

I have three daughters. I talk to two of them. I talk to two. Okay, you're laughing. Because obviously, and- This is a joke. Yes, I grew up, listen, this is it, and then I'm out of this.

I grew up in an all black neighborhood. This article I have written talks about me doing DevTlM, every urban TV show there is. But this happened and we were laughing at it so bad because it's so ridiculous. Because it's such an obvious joke. It's not an obvious joke in the writing box. Obviously, there's no way Rich Vos is a racist.

No. He's a racist like everybody's a racist. He did, he was the first black comic on Jeff. Yeah, first white comic. I mean, first, he looked like, that would have been, that would have been really big. But he was the first white comic. I mean, every, it's ridiculous.

But here's the thing, if you read Rich's Fossus jokes, he's a clan member. If you read them, listen to me. If it's not the guy doing them, because his timing is so, you know, because he does these, like I have three daughters, one of them dates a black guy.

I talked to them. It's the timing, it's funny, it's hilarious. And he loves all his daughters. We had all our stage one night. You know what I mean? I mean, the other one he made stand in the back a little bit, but you have to right up front.

Talk to him. And the other joke, when I am not politically correct, and this is such an old joke of mine. I brought, I mean, this is for my first album, I think. I go in 1942. Yeah. When I was literally an album. When I was in the, is this the SESP relevant? It was my albums, by the way.

Yeah. And your bins at home. All right, that's God's God saying don't tell the joke. Get out of it. No, tell the joke. Please. When I was a kid, I'm not pleading to teachers to say, sit Indian style. So I get a bottle of whiskey and land a curb. Right.

But it's a stereo type. My dad says that joke every day since he loves it. It's because he's an alcoholic. My dad says that joke every day since he loves it. Because he's an alcoholic. No. But obviously Native Americans are, I'm a big fan. They have some of the best casinos around the country. It's got to rest.

Why? I mean, they have other things. Oh, yeah. Okay. That nickel. It was, I love the buffalo head. I just know it was the other one about the Indian dude at this to coffee or something.

Oh, that was not good. That's a different Indian. I can tell you that. You know, that one has to be a kind of racist because he's like, no, no, let's talk about that. But here's the thing. And I'll say this and then I'll move out of this.

If you say a racial joke, that doesn't make you a racist. You're joking. If I say a joke about me, it doesn't make me a butcher. No, if you say something, I heard you. If you're if chance, if you were affected by people who are racist or whatever, there's a chance that you would write a joke about that would inspire a joke because you're if chance if you were affected by people who are racist or whatever There's a chance that you would write a joke about that would inspire a joke because you're affected by it So it's gonna be on your mind when you sit down and start writing Well, I say something I really find it hard to believe that there's a racist

Comedian, you think we're all Great we all have racism in us and that's why it's funny. But Trisha was racist, Keith is racist, I'm racist. We all have this thing in us and that's our job is to kind of make light of it. Him saying that about his daughter that's really, it's a fucking joke. He's pretending to be a real racist and that's what what's funny about it, because he's not. No. And of course, me and the money said to the security guard,

hey, what's up? What do you have in Ankelberg? No, I see what time is your ankle bracelet go off. That's all? Yeah, that's racist. Now that's racist. How did it mean like a detective one? I thought he had a nice Tiffany Ankel bracelet.

It was a Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton? Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton is up, though. It was, I'll tell you who was laughing and what we were doing the panel. And of course, we made fun of them about that. We were cracking up about it

because we know he's not and we were fucking trash him. And the security guy was laughing hysterically. It's white people that black, listen, I used to do, I mean, all urban clubs. You I used to do I mean all urban clubs, you know besides I mean urban clubs and Urban audiences If they like you they really like you. Yeah, but you have 20 okay So when you do a mixed crowd the black audience doesn't get offended there They're gonna release this motherfucker's real Black people have the best sense humor.

I mean, they fucking laugh at anything if it's funny. Yeah, it's white women. You know, they're uptight. They're white women. That white women, they don't have, in my opinion, really that many minority friends are hang, they just need a call. I would be suspicious of someone who would be offended by that joke to the point where I'd be suspicious,

someone didn't laugh at it, but I'd be suspicious of someone to stand up and be like, fuck you. So they wanted the whole theater to know they don't agree with that. Yeah. I'm like, what are you hiding? Well, the thing is too is that when you hashtag something or you try to go after people, you're trying,

it's not about you, you're trying to do something, you're trying to damage somebody. And it's like, you should do, you should save that for real Cluclux clan members. You should go after real racist. Real racist, with that, try to do that with that. If you're gonna try to use, like, get that type of superhero power,

where you can cancel somebody's life. Yeah. Go do it to real racist. Don't do it to a fucking 65 year old comedian. 62. Sorry. 62 year old comedian. That's great.

The best. 62. Looks familiar. I know. What the fuck? I get it. 62 year old guy. He's been doing, don't do it I get it. 62 year old guy.

He's been doing, don't do it to him. Yeah. Especially a guy that's great to me. We all love it. If you like Ron and you like me, we're vouching for him. Yeah. So shut the fuck up to one lady. To shut you got to, you got to really, if you're not taking all that into account while you're

watching a show, then you're not intelligent. Yeah. But like you're not smart. Wait, wait, wait, in the title. In the title then you're not intelligent. But you're not smart. Wait, wait, wait, in the title. In the title, your thing. The title, in the title, it's creeps. Yeah. Not Jim Gaffigan with kids.

That's right. It's a great show idea. Jim Gaffigan, I know you. That's great. Well, I'm saying, and they're great. I knew you weren't going to come up with a good one. You said it's creeps with kids. Not, I knew you didn't have it.

And it's not, it's not priest with, I mean, it's not. Oh my God. Is that's a whole nother tour. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, and she went on Twitter, but she didn't tag me. Because I went on Twitter. Yeah, she didn't go after me though.

She didn't tag me. She actually went, she actually contacted the next theater. And so you know, we did, we put Shane Gillis on the show. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh, that show was fucking racist. Oh, that panel was fucking nice. Here's another thing too. If I was a black comic, that lady would not have said a fucking word.

No, if you said, yeah. If a black comic went up, and white people, white people, she wouldn't have said, how she would have been laughing or asked off, yep, yep, I'm guilty. Yeah, they're not, they're not, they're definitely not into racist, you know, women being misogynistic, right?

Or sexist, I would say, right? Women can say whatever the fuck they want about men. And it's hilarious. You can fucking degrade us, we stoop it with dumb with this with that. And nobody will say anything about that. I think you were just talking about your documentary. Go ahead. And then, and yeah, black people or other races can say whatever they want about white people, white men or white women or whatever. And people get it. People get the humor in it.

You know what I mean? They get it. When Bonnie talks about her husband, she can say whatever she wants because she's trying to be funny. Yeah. Is it fine? But when you do it, it's sexist. It's racist.

It's because that's where, that's where, I don't think you know Bonnie. But that's where, right. But that's where, right. That's where, that's where we're at right now. You know what I mean? The fact that they stood up on him and it's just, it's not. I really wish I knew what was happening

because I would have, I would have sat him down and won him back over. And then I would have said sit down, let's, I'm sorry. And then I would have really got fucking over the line. I would have really made a good deal. That's a boss problem though. and it really got fucking over the line. It was a really big problem though. If somebody gets offended or something, he'll be like, he just loses it and just goes doubles down.

It's fucking good. Well, that's part of me. I mean, that's not my problem. You have that instinct in the comic, right? It made the panels really fun, the next game. Oh, I bet. Oh, we had such a good time with him. The week before it was all about me being molested.

It was just awful. Just they brought, like he set, I said something about something. And then he was, he you brought it up and then Vaughn was like, you molested. I was like, no, I didn't, I was physically, I said I was physically abused. He's like, did he touch your dick?

Your penis? I'm like, did he touch your penis? I'm like, no, Vos, is that... Is that live audience? Fuckin' thousand people. And Vos, so Vos, Vos goes... Old choice. Vos goes, he touched your penis. And I go, no, physically abused, Vos was like,

so you were molested. I'm like, wrong. I wasn't. And it was just they were burying me with it every night. And then Florence, he would go, so when he touched your penis, I don't know every time. It doesn't matter who cares.

And then, so then a file he switched over to him. I know they went from a station to a racist. I grew up in all black neighborhood, I'm a racist. I remember the night I go, I go, when can you stop showering with your kid? And they were like, what? I'm a black neighbor, but I'm a racist. I remember the night I go, I go, when can you stop showering with your kid? And they were like, what? I'm doing it.

What? I think 22. Pubs? I think it was pubes. We came up with pubes. I think. What's that? When they have pubes, it's like,

I let's stop this. I've never showered with my kids. She's a girl, you're fucking weird now. You're gonna fucking smack your daughter in the head with your hog, that's weird. It's not big enough to smack. I could poker. Me. I shower my kid because he learned to shower with me.

You know, I used to take tubs and then it was like jump in here. I mean, but you know, you shower the football team. Who gives a shit? It's not sexual. It's a shower with a football team, not in one stall. Oh, you can't. Yeah, they don't know. It's a shower with a football team not in one stall. I hope you die. I hope you die. I'm taking all your rings. When you were in school, did I hand you after those paper towels for to dry yourself? No, it wasn't the it wasn't the fifties. There's the deluson in the neighborhood. After the industrial revolution.

I remember in school. In eighth grade, I got a chalkboard in your hand. That's how you wrote. I didn't have any, I didn't have any pubes yet. Right. And neither did Arthur. And I'm like, you know, all the kids would make fun. Oh, look, nope. And I go, neither is Arthur. And then Arthur got two pubes came out before mine.

In front of you right there. Oh, he pushed them out with anger. He sprouted. He's here, pushed out two. What? Arthur in Jim class. Oh, pushed out to what Arthur in Jim Class. Oh no, that was Willie in Jim Class. Willie fell down on the floor. There's two front teeth stuck in. Oh, poor Willie, you serious? Oh, what was the flu made out of pine? Yeah. How does it stick in? He fell on his teeth. And they stuck in on the gym floor?

Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. That's brutal. Yeah, Willie. Well, they're his baby teeth? Yeah. I don't know. I'm not a dentist. How old was it?

You don't have to be a dentist to know what baby teeth are and regularly. Oh, yes. I think you are. No, you don't. I think if you go... What grade was it? Huh? What grade?

Uh, 12th. Yeah, that was... Yeah. If I could have, so. I know teeth isn't your strong point. That's not bad. Thank you. Why are teeth not as strong?

Those are all implants. Oh, really? They did a hell of a job. Sometimes they don't do the right size. Well, those aren't really the right size. Well, you think he's a big? No, no, I hell of a job. Sometimes they don't do the right size. Well, those aren't really the right side. Well, you think he's a big no, no, I think they're perfect. They look not even know. I they're white. There's old. It looks good. I'm getting the bottoms down soon. Oh, gold. That's racist. It's all there'd be a hell of a look. His old teeth. Yeah. Huh? His old teeth. You get over a sardine can with the fucking things. My old teeth

They were big. They were fucked up. One year I painted myself brown for Halloween and when it was a piano Big teeth. This is by the lady got mad at racist. That's a piano. How's that racist? Did you say you went in black face? No, I said I'd pay myself brown and when there's a piano because my guy big teeth is not blind. It's black myself brown and when there's a piano because Mike had big teeth. It's not blind. It's black. So pianos aren't brown. No. Oh, you want a fucking bet? Most pianos are brown. Mike, Google it. Go over there. When did you get the Google it? What color are most pianos? When I don't like six years ago. Okay. Yeah, you got to in the bottom row is not your teeth. Those are not your teeth. No, just right here's a bridge Yeah, I have does that come out for no if I was willy Yeah, most panels are brown. No, well most like player pianos are gonna be like brown citywood and then nice big grand piano

Is gonna be black what are they summer white? Oh yeah, summer white. What does it say? Summer black. Summer black. Summer Hagenese, summer cherry. Mahagenese brown. Your brown. Yes I am. Because I know the cause.

Wow. Have you watched your Godfather of Harlem? Yeah. How fucking great is that? Yeah, can I just say something to you? That's the fifth time you've asked me that. It's the fifth time I've answered it.. Uh-huh. It's the fifth time I've answered it. It's so fucking good because I watched your last episode last night. Uh, uh, listen to now

He's supposed to force what occurred is so fucking good in it and cash it's so good. He's good He's really good. I actually watched the the Irishman too. Oh, I haven't seen it neither by tomorrow when we get our cable Yeah, it's um, it's not casino three and a half hours That seems a little daunting. It's not it's not casino. Well, not be see everybody but everybody went and expecting those guys Adding Pacino and cartel And Bobby kind of valet any like this is going to be, but it's not. He was in it. Bobby. Bobby. He's great. He's so good. He's really good in it. Yeah. Everybody was great. He's going to win the awesome. I'm on the other day. Romano was fucking man.

He was probably my favorite. Yeah. Yeah. Romano was fucking awesome. So good. I mean, he is a great actor. So do you like it? Or like if you didn't go into it, expecting Casino, if I didn't go into it, expecting Mark, if I didn't have, if it didn't have Martin attached to it and like, don't say Martin, like you know him, say Scorsese Martin, Martin. Sure. I'm pretty sure this is America. And I can say whatever I want. No, you can't consent. some lady will stand up and yell at you. Wow. Say Scorsese.

No, I want to say Martin. Ugh. I'm just glad we're not talking about pianos anymore. So it's worth seeing them? You have to see it. It's the last thing they're probably going to do together. Yeah, I guess so you have to see it. It's the last thing they're probably gonna do together. So you have to watch it. You know what do they think?

Jimmy Hoffa nobody gives a fuck about. Well they get back then. No, back then he was the biggest thing in the world, but most people don't know who the fuck he, they know he's a missing guy. So it's not like we know, even my generation a lot about, we know he was missing. That's all we know.

And he's in giant stadium. Ooh, it was fucking creepy. But to learn out the real story of what happened though, it was pretty anticlimactic. Oh, really? Yeah. What they think. Okay.

But it was actually the guy you're supposed we did it confessed to it. So who plays Haifa? Al Pacino. Oh, okay. Al, he does a great job. I mean, a love-out, but... Oh, I love Al. a great job. I mean, I love that but I love out

Bobby was great to but I remember watching on TV when Jimmy Hoffa don't speak Valentine's massacre Back to Godfather of Harlem Fucking amazing TV show. Bennington didn't like it. I don't know why. It's okay.

Bennington is a connoisseur of fun TV. I know. Oh, is he really? And I always would take him into account when he says something. Yeah. So yeah, he's like a savant. Because he'll tell you this, I'll be like, why is it a good, this, that, boom, bang, boom.

And you're like, oh my god, this guy is fucking epic. I don't know why he doesn't write screenplays or something because he knows so much about filmmaking. That it's ridiculous. Just as a, like, he did he study filmers, he just someone that... I don't know. He's just very opinionated.

He's smart when it comes to it, because I do take his, and I say, what do you think of this show? He goes, eh, it's too, uh, too hokey or something or whatever, but it's a little, it's, I don't care. It's so fucking any of those old mobster movies and deactors in it are so good to have such great actors. You know, we watched a good movie the other night, a decent movie

and had so many great actors in it. Uh, it's on Amazon. Oh, Jesus. Crazy. With with with with a net bending, a net bending. Why would you find and the guy from Black Landsman? Oh, yeah. This is what you know what I call this? The rich boss talk show game. He did it on tour the whole time. He brings stuff up and you have to go. show game. He did it on tour the whole time. He brings stuff up and you have to go, uh, Rooster, no, um, Dylan and goodness, no, look up to look up to the movie. And then he makes you do this. Now you got to look things up. He should do a talk show game like a night time game with this fucking guy. Uh, and I bring up a thing. It's the best thing ever.

It was, um, uh, movie with a movie with Robert De Niro, no. The other guy. I don't know how to do it. Who says no guy? What has on Amazon? It's on Amazon Prime. It's with the guy from Star Wars too. Yeah, that guy.

Have you seen it? No, I haven't. It's pretty good movie. It's based on the CIA and interrogation during, you know, Guantanamo, the report. Yeah, that's at the report. Not bad. A lot of great actors in it though.

So many Amazon has stupid money to be paying all these fucking top notch actors to do a fucking movie for TV. Would you say Amazon has stupid money? I'm just saying they're paying, these are all top-notch. Apple has a lot of money. Not like Amazon. Apple has a lot of money. Not more than Amazon.

Million dollar company. Not more than Amazon. All right, but they have a lot. You get a certain point. It's like, you're doing well. Yeah, you're like doing it. Hey, like my house. My mansion.

You're not a mansion. You got a full bedroom wrench. It's a mansion. You don't have an upstairs. It's a fucking mansion compared to some of the houses I've seen in Mexico. It's a mansion to your old house. The back, an acre or property.

I know. An acre. That's beautiful. So I can have a football. If we were kids, we'd play football in my backyard. You know how kids you said well, I mean soccer It would be hockey. Oh hockey. I mean hockey. Yeah cricket England that's what you hear all the time at your shows

We're gonna wrap this up. Really we just got started. Feels got to go soon. You know how I do this I wrap it up and then it takes We just got started. We feel it's gonna go soon. You know how I do this. I wrap it up and then it takes another 20 minutes to wrap up. I got some plugs. Yeah, I know. You should get plugs. Two in a row.

Ah, fuck. What happened? Leg just fucking did something. What happened? I'm like an electric shock. What the fuck was that? It said, please don't stand. What are you laughing at, you dumb? Unbelievable, Mike.

It's just a fucking traitor. You know what I mean? Not so many levels that's bad for you to laugh at that. I live that jerk. Listen, my new CD, we're not doing that yet. You're last. Okay. Don're last. Okay. Don't mind.

This is the problem, too. I feel every night, every night, even like one of the nights, I decided, every night, Deb puts his food spread out. And every night, he'd fucking rummage through it like a raccoon. I don't care for rummaging backstage, man. I don't want people man handling everything before. No, no, no, I would take stuff to go

instead of it going to waste. Oh, like afterwards. Yeah, there's videos of you man handling. Is that okay? Buddy, I didn't eat yet. Oh, and he's like got a bag full of it. I'm like, can I have some? I got a wrap.

I took a wrap. Thomas, I took a whole turkey. No, it was a chicken and it was two of them. It wasn't open, it was two. Yeah, so I took it to Chicken. What's the big deal? Is that carry on? No, I'm sorry. I like to give I'm sorry like to give homeless people food. He didn't give it. He gave nothing. That's beautiful rich. He gave nothing. Everybody said he said we have picture of him. We had a sandwich with Thomas.

He's a piece of shit. If he was given the homeless, I'd be like good. He's the homeless person. He's in him, is that his house? In his basement apartment. I like the video of your method for picking up food. That you know what, here's the problem. Oh, this is another thing too.

No, no, when you go into a store and I have the tongs, yes. Okay, okay, look, okay, say this is bread. Yep. And I go to your store and the tongs and I get it. Or I go like this, those are human tongs. What's the difference? I'll tell you what difference is,

it's a fucking wire and age in human or human. That's the difference I want you to realize for, that's number two. I know what you said. It plugs with headphones on. He goes, human, bothers me so much, he says, human. Yeah, it's human. It's you, I do this in my six-wheel.

You can breathe. He can breathe. It's with an age, not a Y. Human. Say it. Human. No. Is that an accent?

No, it's a dumbness. No. So you're saying that, so if you're in like a deli or whatever salad bar, you go not a salad. I would never go. I would never eat this at a salad bar. Listen to me, we have macaroni salad.

Yeah. And I saw him sticking his first one is turkey. There's turkey out. There's four things atongs. All right. He fucking with his little fingers a grab and little mic at the cell. Macaroni.

There's one piece of macaroni. I didn't touch you. I had it, but I didn't touch you. Buddy, I have video of it. No, it's trick photography. It's on my Instagram. I have slow mode the video. Oh, then bring it up and you can see.

Where's my phone? What's it on? What's it on? It's on Instagram that one maybe Maybe it's I have slow-mo video It's not a fucking maybe Did it go macaroni salad directly in your mouth? Yes, put it in oh, okay I would never dip it at twice. No, but I mean did that go in the bag with the full chicken?

No, no, that's super big. That bag wasn't opened. You don't throw out of chicken. No, I don't, I'm just wondering. I don't mind. Here's a problem. I come down, I try to eat. Yeah.

And most have the food I want is in his bag that's going, Oh, fuck out of here. Like he's an iron worker and he's going to do the night shift. That's good. It's true. I'm trying to find it. Do you have it? Do we have it?

Is it on my Instagram, Michael? Michael. Is it on the Instagram? No, it's on YouTube though. It's on YouTube. Okay. There you go. Go to YouTube.

YouTube creeps with kids. YouTube creeps with kids. YouTube. H. YouTube. YouTube. When's the next creeps with kids date? January. We start, we're off for this year

and we start back up in January. And I had a meeting today about, uh, a bunch more cities. King grads, man. Does it look like it's going to happen? I don't know creeps with the cake. I, I would think so. Yes.

I would think that the cities we, you know, I talked to Frosty and we're, uh, we get so much footage, dude. We were, you know, Boston recorded backstage Chicago, uh, Red Bank, uh, in Long Island. We have so much so much behind the scenes. Shit. I mean, stupid funny. Yeah, just you understand. You see a lot of these tours, right? And God bless everybody. I'm not putting anybody down. But it's like, you know, it's a lot of, you know, look what I got. look at this, look at all these, look at all that, our tour, the shit we're, we just have a, we're fucking smashing each other.

We're having a fucking blast. And we're together, you know what I mean? So it's like a different animal. So we're constantly cracking each other up. Do you have the mic? I'm sure. Next time say excuse me for you, bull by me, you fucking little baby Ryan?

Oh, did you see what he just did? So on this one and show him where Bobby gives the documentary on the sandwich It's Boston the documentary on the fucking slap that I was so mad Here's a problem with this sandwich. It's Jimmy John's number five It's the sandwich that brought me back from when I was in shape to what you see today. Okay, it was in Cleveland. It was a sad moment of my life.

I had just come off this daincook fucking mechanism. Or a private everything. No, after that. Arena's 15,000,000 seeders, private jet, whatever you blah, blah, blah. Now I'm flying fucking zone seven on Delta, or whatever I was on, to Cleveland, to do half-filled shows. And I got this Jimmy John's number five sandwich,

and I fell in love with it, and I got like two a day for the four days I was there. And then we walk into the dressing room, and there it is, the Jimmy John number five. Wow. And I have it in my hand and I'm telling them this whole story and I take it out of the packaging and just slap it out of my fucking hand on the ground.

Watch this right here. Right there, that's it, let it play. Here you go. There's his tongs, right? Is this on, this isn't on the screen, right? I can't hear it. Yeah, I know you can't hear it. All right here, watch this. Now he's gonna flick.

He's gonna try to flick. No, it's about hiding it from the camera. There you go. Watch him flick. All right, now watch this, ready? Right there, right there! Wait, wait, we going slumber? I'm gonna go and see that lettuce.

Stupid, look at watch. Thank you, Gabby, for giving me the sound effect for that from your vagina. Creeps. You're welcome. Thank you. I did see a little contact. First off, I'd like to say, Vos,

you're looking million five in that. You look great. Oh, thank you. Lean and mean. He looks great the little hat. He's such a Canadian. But I did see some contact on that. Yeah, he's on the Google South.

That was his second. No, he's, I was gonna eat. No, this, Phil. That finger was juicy licked from Turkey before that. Yeah, he's a little. No, he's I was gonna eat know this film that finger was juicy licked from Turkey before that. Juicy leg. Yeah, juicy leg. I don't care for juicy licked. And then I'll really gonna be anti-Semitic. Not juicy. I wouldn't even like juicy lick and then on to the tongs because then I'm gonna touch you on the tongs and if you I'm gonna have some saliva on my hands from... Yeah. The tongs are so nothing gets juicy lick.

Yeah. That piece I hit was my next piece I was eating. No, you didn't get that piece. Someone got it. Someone got you a juicy lick. If anybody on tour I made out with. That's true. We all did have a...

Most guys pray before they go on stage, we made it with each other. That's beautiful. Yeah. That is true. We all did have most most guys pray before they go on stage. We made it with each other. That's beautiful. Yeah, that is beautiful. I have a shirt for For Nikki Glazer. Yeah, she said bring her a shirt. Is she coming tonight? I don't know Probably I'll leave it to sell her. What do you think she's gonna put you on? She's gonna help you out. No, she asked for a shirt. I'm kidding I know I know she asked for a shirt. It's good looking merch. Yeah, that's it. That's a tour shirt right there and the posters We holy fuck it. We did a meet and greet all of them are great Chicago the line Two out over two hours it was the meet and greet was almost as long as the show really yeah, wow Yeah, great fans love it some guys for this

Garsia the night talking them. Why would I have to tell you that's because you don't have the fucking headphones on I was talking to myself. Yeah, we'll go do it in the bathroom. I do What's that me jerking off it? You're just a jerk off Ados. I don't. Uh huh. The dummy.

The dummy's are. Oh, uh huh. I'm looking a wallet. Uh huh. Anyways, I feel what do you got going on? Oh, please, let me plug. What do you got?

Sorry about the studio is going to be refinished. It's going to look beautiful when we're done. I can't wait. Um, First of all, please listen to my podcast, keeping Joe on the right cast. One of my favorite network. Honored to be part of it. Uh, what did you to my podcast, Keeping Joe on the Riotcast. One of my favorites. Network. Honored to be part of it.

What did you say? I'm honored to be part of it. I think you guys are great, man. Oh, thank you. And I love that you guys produce it. You care about it. And you know, it's fucking great. I love that show.

If you haven't listened to Keeping Joe, you need to go download that. It's on the Riotcast network. It is great. Joe Mackie and Liz from the seller. Yeah, self. And sometimes Sammy, he's not on anymore. Sometimes he can he's we've it's been like scheduled.

We probably were whatever, but yeah, he still comes back on. Yeah. Okay. I'm a week late. If you ask me, what's that? No, I'm kidding. This weekend I'm at the laugh shop in Calgary and then, uh, how'd you get that shut up? I don't know.

Please come out to this show December 19th to the 22nd at the stress factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. And then the Vermont Comedy Club December 27th and 28th in Burlington, uh, Vermont. And then I'm going to have a bunch more dates on my website. Great. Well, I fucking love having you on.

Thanks, Bobby. He's never, he fucking love having you on. Go see him. Thanks, Bobby. He's never fails on stage. Every time I've seen him and worked with him, whenever he opens for me, never fails. Never. I'm going to be at the comedy attic in February. In Bloomington?

I just booked it right now. Oh, that's great. Yeah, he's giving out weekends. Shit. He's giving out weekends now. Do you guys? Yeah. Well, if I get booked giving out weekends shit. Yeah, he's giving a weekend. That's what you guys. Yeah. Well, if I get booked, I don't want them there. He's the guy said don't bother me anymore. Please. He literally was like being it was like a woman being stalked by a

Fucked man. Can you please? I don't want you to do this anymore. Can you stop? I don't know. It sounds good I don't want you to do this anymore. Can you stop? I don't want it. Sounds good. Yeah. He's the most polite stalker ever. Yeah. Okay.

I'm worried. Do it again. Okay, coming up for me. This weekend, I'll be at the comedy connection in Rhode Island. Love it. Love that. It's one of my favorites. It's great.

Because not only the owner is such a nice guy. They're cool. Cory is cool. And the black rabbit next door, the food. I haven't eaten that in a play. Yeah, it's great because not only the owner is such a nice guy cool. Cory is cool and the black rabbit next door the food. I haven't eaten that. It's great. Is it what's it called black rabbit? There's a restaurant in the same parking lot kind of. Yeah, it's something like that.

It's their restaurant. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, it's great. So that's this week and next Tuesday and Wednesday, the fat black pussy cat. It was a great Korean place up the street from there too on that little road. If you go and walk a little bit, there's this fucking great Korean. You wouldn't even know it's there and it's awesome.

Yeah. Okay, here's some definition that you got to do. Monday night, this Monday coming up December 9th, at the stand we're doing, would you bang them? Right. Would you bang them at the stand? We have great female judges and gay judge and we have great comics. It's why did you go down on the

gay judge? Why did you say? What's not? You are like, we have great female comics and we have a gay judge. Why would you say like that? I don't like to give it away. And I should know you even said that.

Well, give what away? You're asked it. No, the idea of the show. Oh, why? Why would you not want to give it away? What? One, that's three. What am I getting in?

No. What, you used to batting him? He was using the bathroom. You don't have to raise your hand. He's a lady. Good idea. I know. Why would you not be able to go to the bathroom, but he asked her why you know,

I always makes eye contact with me and ask because he didn't want to interrupt you. Oh, I'm talking to you. He's been around throughout me. Oh, he's and Gabby's sitting right looking right at him with that fucking gorgeous boy face. No, because he thought that she would follow him in. That's what he said. He wasn't like nothing. He went like to do with any of us. No, but he's supposed he's to be a model So I think he's good looking keyword used to be Yeah And now you

was now number one ankle modeling Canada But why would I want to know why you wouldn't want to give the fucking thing? Why wouldn't you want to give details about okay? Here's the show. It's called would you bang them? Why would you want to give details about? Okay, here's the show. It's called, when you bang them, comics go on stage, they do their set, five, seven minutes, seven minutes, whatever. And we have female judges and a gauge judge

discussing whether they would sleep with them or not if they're set. It's such a great show. It's Monday night at the stand. And my new CD, who came up with that idea? Bonnie and me, but mainly Bonnie, I edit stuff. I think it goes, ah, what's wrong? My leg.

It's so good. So it was happening to my leg. Why am I getting electric shocks in my leg? My right leg. That's bad. Because you're electrifying. Is that bad? Who?

Yeah. That's a nerve thing. Is it? Yeah. What does that mean? You're getting nerve shocks. The fuck does that mean, Gabby? You need potassium. You're a potassium.

Potassium. Potassium. Okay. And I think next week, but this month, like the 18th, my new CD will be out. What's it called? When I saw Hamilton. When I saw Hamilton, let's make it number one on iTunes

when it comes out. Why is it named that? Because during the set, and it's got the same, I didn't realize like some of the same stuff from that. When I was on stage, I taped that to brokerage. So I'm on stage and this kid breaks out of a Cameron, he's videotape and I go, look man, you can't tape me. I go, you know, I go to the bouncer,

take him outside and beat him up or whatever. And then a few minutes later, I said, I go, you know what, go to the balance, or take them outside and beat them up, or whatever. And then a few minutes later, I said, I go, you know what, I remember when I went to see Hamilton, I did bring in a three-camera crew, you know, to tape it, so I could see why the kid taped, and then throughout the set, I kept saying, when I saw Hamilton, I kept bringing it back. That's what I do.

I work in the moment and... It's a tapestry. Yeah. It sounds more like a podcast When I show Hamilton like how we name podcasts. Well, here's what should I name this album? I did this thing called when I kept saying moment when I saw Hamilton well It's listen to me. Okay. This is my six CD. I think I know how to fucking name CDs Let's go through the names of your CDs number Number one, I'm killing here. All right. And the cover was everybody killing themselves

and dying accurate. Go ahead. Okay, two, lie from Philly. I didn't Philly. Where did you go, Dashaat? Dashaat was, huh? Where did you record it? Infilly at Helium.

Okay. Okay, my third one, still empty inside. And it's because I was getting accurate. I was getting it on line. Yeah. My fourth one was the fuck was mine. Thank you. Oh, 141 IQ.

Not true, but go ahead. Yeah, because I do have a 141 IQ. You don't, but go ahead. My lower IQ than that tells me, I'm fond of to know that's a lie. Well, the last time I took it I had 125 You don't have a high IQ. I have 125 at least. I got a T. I'll show a T. I know Literally, I have a white one. I would at least I would put my wife and kids life on the line

Don't ever say I would do it to prove Let's just put your life on the line I'll put ever say that. I would do it to prove. Okay, just to put your life on the line. I'll put my, I'll put IQ aside in years. I get, I guarantee you're dumb. I got, at least dull. You're close to dull. No, I listen. My, and then my fifth CD is a V5,

which V stands for Vos or F. Also, how much you sold the four Yeah, I saw them for five bucks online not at the clubs guys Yeah, and then this one is when I say all have meaning. Yeah, I know the good. What's the fifth one? What's the five? Oh when I saw Hamilton what about the a1? No, that's my my hour special. Where's that? Huh? Where's that? We're trying to sell it right now as a whole package. How how long does it take to sell? Oh, listen, I don't I'm not selling it. I have nothing to do with that, but it's a whole package and we do have interest now. Really?

From from Amazon. I don't know who from. How do you not know? Because why would they say we we do listen here's the thing about this business. Okay. Thank you. Tell me Hang on, let me put my thinking cap on good Okay, it's gonna write it down my if you're putting on thinking cap anyhow got nothing I have nothing right it down my keep the pen up go and one of us build something happens something happens It's not worth talking about because I've had so many. Listen, I've had great things happen to my career. Great things. But I've had let down two. Right. So I'm not going to build up hope until it happens. That's all. And the whole,

the greatest thing that just happened was the tour. That tour was amazing. So it was amazing. It was amazing. It's not over. Yeah. It was amazing. The CD is coming out. That's happening. Stuff I do like promote make my own CDs, put them out, do all the production. I know it's going to happen because I'm doing it. Yeah. The tour you know is going to happen because you're behind it. You know what I mean? Are you doing another CD next week? No, I'm going to try to make eight to ten tracks of clean material for the other network on serious, for the clean, the clean, like I'm on a raw dog, I want to get on laugh. Right. Laugh USA, I think.

So I'm going to do a bunch of tracks that are clean. Okay. That's great. You know, so I can get there. Uh, so. You know, and most of my material, any of my material I do, I can make clean. You know, all you gotta do is take out the curses and, you know, the races.

So I am, all right, great. I have a question. Why are you here? How are you saying yes to this? Where is the, you're roast? Where can people watch? Oh, that's on, uh, uh, that, boss can people watch? Oh, that's on that. bossroast.com.

Oh, bossroast.com. Oh, is that out? That was one of the best comedy shows I've ever seen in my life. Thank you. Where we're actually gonna, all the comedy's getting together with our accounts, we're gonna audit rich boss. I got all the paperwork.

Every single thing. Every fucking dime. You know how much we made last month? I don't know, but you got a house, you got more rings, you got a Rolex, you're driving a femur. That's five, that's for my CD. I don't, we don't know what the fuck that's five money. That's five, that's five.

I tell you exactly, I paid out more than I made. Believe me. There's no way. We had a partner. I won, I didn't. A partner. We only know way. Let's say, can I tell you right now? Everybody bought. No, can I didn't. I bought. We only know way. Everybody. But can I tell you right now everybody?

Boss. No, can I tell you right now? We later. No, we had 55. I want to say for another pocket. We own flip. Two of five. Do a page. Hey, Patreon.com says, Rebecca. You want to know what he's going to say? We own 5 join right now. Hey, another one. I can get my money back for that roast. Let me tell you something about Vimeo. Vimeo. If you look at how many downloads you had on Vimeo compared to what they paid you,

I'm going, I should be a multi-millionaire. But and we can't figure it out because you can't call anybody. But what they did send to our producer is if someone starts it, stops it, starts it, stops it, counts as a play. Like I don't know if I had to buy it. Yeah, you don't know how many people, they don't see how many bots, they say it's how it's not it not bots. I'm trying to wrap this up quick.

All right. So it was your life. That's not it, because if I got hit by a car, you would feel guilty. No, we're not fucking add somebody to the tour. Oh, you can't add anybody. That would be a funny backstab. I'm on stage.

Nobody knows how to connect and nobody knows how to do reality like I do. They don't. I've done a lot of it. They don't. I hope it happens now. I'll replace you with any house. So the money we pay. I'll replace you with big J.

Big J knows how to do it He's all right. He's great. He's all right. Oh my god. He's amazing. Yeah, just turning it on camera comes around improv Yeah, good. I want to host great. He's go out and fucking rip it up in the front He's great. Yeah, why don't you just call the fucking towards this people out of shape. So Stand up my fucking nears. All right, listen, rock it. No, no, no, no, hold on. What the fuck? So, you've had enough plugs.

No, enough plug and I'm trying to clear something up because I don't want to show you anything. Yeah. 45% goes through the production company next time. Okay. We get 55%. Yeah. I paid out 10 people and a producer. I paid out more

than I took in. I'll tell you now. You paid out everybody go to 1000. Yeah, 10 and then a producer got five. Right. 15,000. Why did they do that? More money than the talent. That should never. Because he put the whole thing together as a man. It should never be that way. What do you kiddo me to show runner makes more than the fucking actors? I was just sayin' that. Oh, okay. So, I wish I made $15,000 on it. Listen, it wasn't about money. We just put out a good product. Yeah.

It was never about money. That's why you... No, it wasn't, because we would've done more. Right. We would've done more, because it was so good. Right. Are you done? We're here doing more of them. Let me tell you something Phil.

Nobody I would love to be on the road with more than this asshole. Does he get under my fingernails like salt? Yes. Would I rather have a hang nail on every fucking toe? Absolutely. There's nobody I'd rather tour with. It sounds fun. It's so fun. And when push came to shove, he walked back with you to spend time. Yeah, he did. He did. Oh, I'm going to hate you on.com.

So Robert Kelly, become a member right now. We have up Mike Calter, live from the shed. Brand new episode is up there for you guys to enjoy. Mike Calter from Tampa, one of the number one guy on Tampa radio and a very close friend. He came up to the shed. You're gonna love it. So check it out, shit, you know.

Shake it out. And then also we have a new up on Patreon and it might be up on YouTube. My review of Psychop bags, C-Y, COP, bags, my favorite bag of all time, backpack and sling. I did a review on the sling. I real quick when you liked it, right Mike? Good great.

Well, sounded fucking like a lion. So that's up there too. What else do we get up there? Oh, the Bennington is on YouTube, on this YKWD channel, the life and the show with Bennington. I am releasing some of these to YouTube. Look, you had your chance to look at them.

They're still up there. I'm not taking them down, but I'm releasing them to the public to get more interest in the people should see these. But they go to Patreon first, always. They'll be on Patreon first, unedited, sometimes they gotta make edits on YouTube for their stuff.

And the ass Bobby is coming in from Aruba this week. So that's gonna be ass Bobby from Aruba. Where are you doing this shit stuff in the winter? Where do you do it? In my shed. I have a heater. You got a heater now? I've always had one.

I'm having a body on soon. Yeah, Mike was in town. I was in town, yeah. Where I wish I would have seen him. I like him. Nice guy. The best. The best. So anyways, that's coming up.

Bonnie, Jim Norton, Ari's gonna do it in January. So we're gonna have a great fucking life from the shed next three episodes for you guys. Bonnie McFarland? Yeah, your wife. Yeah. You know, the lady lives upstairs. Yeah, I know.

Your neighbor. Gabby, what do you got? Oh, New Year's. Oh, New Year's, Philly punchline. Another club, Rich doesn't work. I work helium. I know, I'm kidding. It was a joke.

I didn't punchline last New Year's. It's great, right? I wasn't. It was great. Yeah, punchline New Year's, It's great, right? I wasn't. It was great. Yeah, punch line New Year's. I'm excited. Love the club. Love punch line.

Love the one in San Fran too. So glad they didn't move. Besides the seller, that's my favorite club in the planet. Fucking isn't great. Yeah. Like Molly too. She's awesome. Molly's the best.

Really cool. So I'll be there New Year's Eve. So check that out this week. I'm in. And then there you go. Robert K.Live.com for all my dates. What do you got? Follow me at Mike Feeswores.

Follow the podcast at YKWDude podcast, right? Yeah. And follow Gabby at. Gabby is Brian. And then also follow my new show at the stand. Woo! At our time of the week on Instagram. Sales out.

Sales out. Sold out last night and we just got a last night. It was before what's not this is coming out. This is the oh yeah. It was a last night, but you did sell we sold out and our next date is January 7th. We just got it right now. So by is your yes, by tickets. I mean the line up last night was I was watching it and I actually congratulated her because it looked fucking I could tell when something was great. It was amazing. Who does it have? It's fucking sick. You'll be on it. Jeanine Groumet. Your roommate. Your roommate. Janelle James was on it. They'll say Sloan.

The child girl. For Sard. No Matthew was on it. He said it's all girls. All young girls. All young pretty girls. They've got this girl. They've had Bonnie get on it It was amazing so follow us by tickets cool Yes, everything's cool It was the best podcast in a while you have a podcast on a bash podcast. Oh Yeah, Mike has to right I'm on his train is also but what you say what's that I'm on history hyenas also history hyenas. How fucking dare you? You thought you brought it up.

How fucking dare what's in it? What's history? No, no, it's a Christian. It's Chris and Janus. It's fucking very funny. How hysterical. They're fucking so funny. Yeah, they are funny and Mike's the producer of that too.

He's had to get that out through Zach actually. Actually, it's all through me. Oh, yeah, we all got it through you. But so yeah, so Actually, it's all through me. Oh yeah, we all got it through you, but. So yeah, so that's how you got it from. It's the last time. What are we going to do for three hours? Make out. Oh, make out. Huh? Make out. That's, that's four. I was talking to her. I know. I heard it all. I've heard everything. Me and Phil, we don't, we don't use canned. I go canless.

Yeah. So do I. Phil, I was in Aaron Fetchan. That's why he does it though. Do you have an Aaron Fetchan? No, that's incorrect. No. No.

Hi, Zach, what are you got? What are you doing playing Bobby? So hurtful. So hurtful. I hope you're choking your Nick or I don't. It's a good tuba choke. What are you doing playing Bobby? So hard for I hope you're choking your nicker at dumb. It's a good stupid joke. Shut your mouth. What do you got Zach? Fucking Zach the new guy. See you guys next week best fans in the fuck world. You know what? Listening to the YKWD podcast Wow. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras te esperan.

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