Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - I Thought I Knew Him

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

We've got comedy sledgehammer Bret Ernst on this week (Cobra Kai) as we realize how much Bobby doesn't know about him, why non Texans pick the Dallas Cowboys, crossing generational gaps and why comedy "brackets" are nonsense! Follow @RobertKelly www.ykwdpodcast.com For advertising inquiries: [e-mail]  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. ¿Dónde nadie pregunta de dónde viene? ¿Sino por qué no te viene? Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos lia. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos.

Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la edición especial de Madrid nos lia. Un número de ma mal, a Madrid. I started a social media podcast The fact that I can't do podcast I can't do these back again Old school back in the day We're all starting before them all I can't do this This podcast is so fun and crazy And there's no rules

Shut up! You're ruining this We're from our grandma, man! I'm sorry It's a comedy podcast This is an NPR That's the podcast done! Is there any better show. This is an NPR. That's the one that does. Is there any better show? This is the original original.

Bobby, I can't unmute you. You gotta unmute yourself. I'm mute yourself. I know. I'm muted. on mute yourself. I know. I'm muted. We are the fucking dudes. We are the fucking dudes. We're all dudes. If you hear you're a dude, we are the fucking dudes. You know what dude? Got a great guest tonight. Of course, my mother fucking partner crime, my seven to eight o'clock, number one best friend who's got the COVID, who's got the COVID. Yeah, Gab. You have it? Yeah. I'm in the family now. Do you have antibodies? Are you currently have it? I currently have it. How do you feel? Do you have antibodies or you currently have it? I currently have it. How do you feel?

Fine. Really? I have no symptoms whatsoever. I'm a little stuffy. That's, I might know, is that's it. That's a symptom. I have a have a symptom. Does everybody have it?

He has all the pre-existing conditions, too. Sexy. Smart. Ha ha haxy. Smart. Bald. Those are good. Yeah. So they said that I have to leave here for two weeks. And I think that the smart place would be at your dad's house.

Yeah. So yeah. I'm just going to hang out there and drink with him for a couple of weeks. And it should be fine. You probably should at this point. They're fully having people over. No one cares. Nobody cares her either. Fini is in New Sumerna, so he hasn't seen one person with the mask on anywhere. In Atlanta, the clubs are full and no one's wearing a mask. And everybody's

going to get it. Yeah, and the cops are still shooting people. They don't give a fuck in Atlanta. I don't know. I feel fine. So guy that works for me, he got it. So soon I found out he was positive. We all went and got tested. And they called me two days and they said, I tested positive. So...

And you got it. The Spanish lover got the AIDS. Little shitbag got us all sick. But I know, Gio has it when the other guys are my show, so. Right. So now I'm just riding out, but I feel fine. My doctor said at this point, they should be really sick, but I'm not. So and I got to go back Friday and get retested.

Sick in the head, maybe. Oh, I knew this show was funny. Yeah, the paper on it's filling up tonight, baby. The Patreon is filling up tonight. Am I lying, mush? You're not lying. And so to the Patreon, I need to tell you as I had it on private for the first 20 seconds. So I'm sorry about that. Well, you wouldn't be the mush if you did things right. Well, we have a new way of doing things now. So that on Saturday or for any time of our stream

just taken down, we can relaunch it without having to wait till it ends. So. So yeah, everybody inside the chat, what the fuck, Bobby? It's what the fuck mush. It's always what the fuck mush. It's an I'm talent. So I gotta be honest,

Mike, you sound fucking fucked up. You sound sick. You sound worse. Your Lord of the Truth is that I fell asleep watching TV a couple minutes ago, like around 530. And then when I fell asleep, I just eaten dinner. So I had like a little little reflex. I was coughing right before the show started. That's it. Do you want to know what I was doing right before the show started?

Oh, that might be mine. I know what you were doing. Having sex. Were you really? Having sex right before I logged on. With both those fingers? Up with all of this. Great timing. I loved on with both those figures up with all of this great timing

Oh talking about sex there is Oh, it's the worst we unmute you baby There you are my good now We got bread Ernst My old LA friend the man who took me to, I believe, raw. Yeah, we did. We went to the wrestling thing. We took me to wrestling, got me, I saw the first time I saw the rock live. That was a good night. That was a good night.

Fucking great night. And then we never sorry each other again. Talk today. It's been 40 years now, right? It's been a long time. Of course, you know Gabby, Mosh Mike in the corner and the King Calta, Mike Calta. What's up Mike? Oh, everybody. Michael Calta, you know Mike, right? Yeah, I think we met before.

Yeah, you met with the show before. Yeah. Well, dude, what's up? Now, first of all, are you in a hotel or is that your apartment looks so neat? I'm actually down in Boca. I'm at my mother's condo right now. Oh, it doesn't get any more New York than that. Your mother has a kind of no book. Yeah, and I've been down here, man. And then I'm actually heading to Tampa next weekend. For size putters, yeah, man.

You all excited about Brady coming or what? So excited. Today was the first day we got the same in uniform. I put the picture on my Instagram, a little hearts. I'm very excited. All right, good. Yeah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Bobby said. Bobby said. Are you crying? Are you fucking crying? You're fucking this baby. It'll be alright, Bobby. Quick, close your back up. Thank you.

Bill Bella check. Yeah. That's the only backup. Hey, Bobby, let me ask you this is a Pat's fan, all right? Because I know you guys have already immortalized. Yeah, ready. I'd say something to you. Are you a fucking Tampa fan? No, not at all. And I'm a fan of the spread. So you're a fan. Yeah. But if I root for a team, I have been since I was seven of Dallas Cowboy fan. I don't understand this fucking Dallas. I mean. I don't understand this fucking Dallas. I mean, I don't get this.

Norens a cowboy fan, Keith Robinson's a cowboy fan. Everybody is a cowboy fan. Why? What happened? Like in that generation, all you guys are cowboy fans. Well, they didn't win shit when I was a kid, man. In the 80s, we didn't win anything.

We were awful. Yeah. But was it the cheerleaders? Was it your dad? How did you become a cowboy fan? I mean it's in a abbreviated story it was kind of my dad. So you know when I was a kid the Cowboys were always on TV and my real father was like come on always rooting for him. Then shit happens they went to separate ways right. And then when we lost to the Niners, the first time, I called them crying.

I'm like, because I thought he was a cowboy fan. I'm a cowboy fan, that'll be our thing. So I called him up. I'm like, hey, dad, you know, we just lost. Well, bubba, he's like, yeah, it's great. Put your mother on. But then he was always going, why you always tell me about the cowboys?

And I thought he was a fan, but he was just a gambler. And I'm dead serious. And I had put so much into the cowboys for like that to be our thing that I just stuck with them. And they did my team ever since. I was only a therapist. I'd be like, Brett, this is why you have so many problems. Well, I got the degenerate gene, man.

I absolutely do. Brett, that's not good. That is this. That is literally what. Saddest fucking stories I've ever heard. True story. That's not sad. It's funny. Whatever. Dude, let me tell you something. That is literally what saddest fucking stories I've ever heard. True story. It's not sad, it's funny.

Whatever. Let me tell you something. You know, maybe it's sad to me because I can relate because I had a story. I remember when I was young and my mother, I was like, oh, my mother was married to this piece of shit. And I was like, I'm going to live with my real father. I'm going to go call him and she went, go ahead.

She's, me the phone, because she knew he was gonna tell me to go fuck myself and sure enough, he told me to go fuck myself. And little Bobby had to go up to his bean bag and be by himself for a couple of years. Wow. Where did you grow up? I grew up a lot.

Mostly South Florida, but I was born in Jersey, and I went to middle school in New Jersey. Started high school down here. Pasek Patterson, that area. Because that was it. That was it. Say what? You're a Florida guy. South Florida. Yeah, I went to high school down here. I thought you were a fucking New York guy. I'm Jersey all day, man. I was born and raised in Jersey, but I went to high school down here. Oh, fuck it up. Sorry to disappoint you, Bob.

I mean, you disappoint me all over. I thought your dad was still around. I thought you were fucking from Jersey in New York. You're a fucking Florida boy and you're just a generic game with a sad story. Thanks. Thanks for finding out his eyebrows, aren't real. Then you'll be really real.

Oh, those are real. Those are real real. They actually have its own podcast. They're about to do. I was just curious because that was a thing with us. Half of us were Cowboys fans as kids and the other half for Steelers fans. But I think that was I'm probably older than you. So it's just because they were the two teams, you know, but I was such a

fact. I don't know the kid. I don't like the Steelers because of the colors. I went on got a black and yellow BMX. It was just that was all I mean, even watch. And it really got blessed. Yeah. Thank you. Salute. That's just him by the way. He's trying to propose. Chisoo. Chisoo. Salute. Saluh. God bless. God bless. Oh, shhtemingya. Now, are you, are you, are you, are you not married? Are you married? I'm divorced, but I was married. Yes, I remember you were married. You had a wife. What about that? If you don't mind me asking. Well, shit, comedy. Shit just happens you like that one Mike I relate to that one not just shit all the part man

I was I was with almost 10 years but we were married about six because you would because you're too handsome out on the road girls not none of that man it was just you know you know I'll be honest with you issue we didn't even use lawyers, man. We just pretty applicable, you know, it just was one of those things, you know, it's life. What do you say, Bob? You want to shit on that or what?

Bob, just, I mean, I don't know. I mean, you're fully disappointing me here. I mean, I had what would you want from me? What do you want me to be happily married in a and a fucking I I said, I'll fix fan first of all, I wanted you to be a giant or a jet span. Secondly, I thought you were from New York like now, but you claim in some type of South Florida shit. And then I thought you were married, maybe still with the girl, because I remember how happy you were together back in the day.

And now I mean, you dad's not a rat that you, I at least thought your dad was, I mean, I had you, it's my fault, I admit it, I had you in a thing, but you're over here now. Just go talk to Verzy if you want that, Bobby. I really did. I had you as a like a Verzy, but you you've been I grew up pretty fucked up, man. My father took his life when I was 10. Oh my fucking. You want some more Bob? What you want more? You know

why is because you get bugging him about the cowboys? What? My. I'm great with that that be if I took my life right now? That was not even right. Go to Instagram live. You're ratings will go through the roof. We never book another LA comic. I'm just saying that it would look great on that wall, that white, that white door back there with the grand.

Come on, it's a, uh, body. That's a door a door. That's a door. That's a door. That's a door. That's the door. That's the door. That's the door. That's the door. That's the door. There's a door on the closet, Brett. Okay. I'm sorry. I mean, what the fuck? I didn't know you're going to get that technical. There's a door. I'm sorry. I disappointed you, Bob. What the fuck you thought I was. I don't know. You know what even if you haven't seen my act, that's what it is. You know what?

You're gonna let you need it. What's that? Well, the last time I saw you perform was that I believe the last factory in LA or something like that, wasn't it? Was it Vegas? Or Long Beach. I think we were hanging out in the Long Beach. That's it, okay. Yeah, if I'm not mistaken, I think we were hanging out in the long beach. That's it.

Okay. If I'm not mistaken, I think we got a drink or so. We caught up afterwards. Yeah. I mean, Mike, have you ever seen Brett? Yes. I mean, I'll have fucking just a sledgehammer. Yeah.

So you might as me, but you might as me of a Boston guy because he just fucking attacks the crowd, just attacks him. And that's what I'm saying. Brett's also one of those guys. Yeah, he he can mark Mary now sitting down on the stool just telling stories. I don't fucking know. I mean, I thought I knew him. Got a puppet. Yeah, he could have a good Mary and that now.

Yeah, I don't fucking know. I'm speaking out of turn. I thought. You can do your book speaking out of turn. I thought you could you book the right guy? Were you thinking of somebody else? No, it's a wrestling. He had a wife. He was from New York. Now he's stalking. You would just say Jersey, man. I grew up in North Jersey, not New York, New Jersey. What? All right. Sorry, I apologize. Patterson. Patterson, Pasek, Pasek. Patterson. That area. Clip. That's the thing with Jersey. Everybody names fucking eight towns that they're around the one where they're from.

So you know exactly where we're at. You know, my whole family's from up there. Jersey City, Hoboken, TNAC, Richfield Park. How you doing? I don't. You're so right. If my grandmother's in South Jersey, and somebody says where I'd go, break town like the times we were in, I just started naming the other fucking city. You get me 80 towns around it, so people.

You never say the actual town, you just go all of the town around it. That's so hilarious. Bobby, do we go out now, wait, I don't know, because maybe because you've got us from here, I think we, you want to come from almost positive. Oh, I remember us hanging out in my, Canada one time. We were up there. And then I think because I was in the city one time we went out and maybe you thought because I have a lot of family and friends there.

I don't know. Yeah, there is something. I just always pitch you, Drew. Maybe I just never, maybe we just never sat down. We need to talk more. I think we need to talk more. That's why I'm here, Bob. We reached out to me. I didn't reach out to you. I, yeah, but I mean, I just fucked up. I didn't, I mean, Jesus Christ, I, you know. But I'm, are you happy now? Are you better without the wife?

You don't have no kids, right? No kids, man. No kids, okay. You know, listen, man, I'm one of those like, uh, Stoics, you know, I just, whatever it is, it is, I'm indifferent to it. You know, I, did I want to get a divorce in the beginning, not really,

but then when I'm away from it, I'm like, you know, it's very liberating not to have someone else as happiness as your responsibility, you know what I mean? It's just me, so. That sounds great. Yeah, it is. It's great. Don't go, Mike, we should dump our wives and go move it Bret and his mom. Oh, actually, I'm getting my place in Vegas. So it'll

be out. I got plenty of room for you. If you want to, can you imagine what the kind of place of three of us go by together? Holy shit. Fucking great. I'll tell you there'll be a lot of cooking going on. Yeah. How to eat? I tell you, if we really dumped our wives, Mike, right now, just, you know, just said, fuck it. Here's a check. We go, we all get a house in Vegas, maybe next to Dana White. What do you think? I mean, there's plenty of places to live out there.

Holy shit. We, I mean, honestly, we can, we can go from, we can go from a million dollar house to a four million dollar house for sure, and three of us. And then we go right, then we go right and get a residency at a fucking casino somewhere, the three of us, right? Well, you got, I'll do security for the two of you. No, you'll do it. You'll do it.

You can stand up. I don't want to, I don't want to shit on your plans, but the only thing that sucks about living next to it, Dana White, it's like if he has a party, we can't go over and tell him to keep it down. Everybody in the house, so beat the fuck out of all of us. All right, maybe we move next to like Elon Musk. Doesn't he? Elon Musk. He's got a top. Caratops got a nice house.

And we can take him out. Yeah, three of us all day. That'd be embarrassing if we go fucking beat up by Carrot Top and then he blew us Yeah, he's he actually follow him on Instagram and He's he's fucking out of his mind What I hear I never met him. I already is a pretty cool dude man. I'm pretty nice guy, you know It might be nice guy, but he's weird as fuck. Why? Because he has tattooed eyeliner on and he's got all that weird plastic surgery and then

he worked out like a motherfucker like if he didn't look straight enough before. Yeah. Well, that's an old pick. But that's, you know, that's before the plastic surgery, but that's good enough for me. Yeah, go to Instagram. If you see Instagram, his Instagram, he's before the plastic surgery, but that's good enough for me. Yeah, go to Instagram. If you see Instagram, as Instagram, he's got, I'm pretty sure he's got a wig too. I fucking yoked, though. He's pretty jacked.

He is jacked. He's a fucking, he's got this little boat. He's actually lives on Florida, you two. He's near you guys. Is he really down there now? You should hook up. That's how I don't want to land on his real estate. Yeah, get a night.

Is there any real estate around his neighborhood? And take him. Get a couple fucking rainbow headbands and, uh, there you go. That's a strong look. Is he a hoops on? Look at that. Yeah, dude. I don't know what's going on with the other.

Should he ever, should he ever read Moustad right there? What? Yeah, it should be read? Yeah, dude, that's what I'm telling you brother. I think that I'm gonna match the drapes and whatever it is I think that comes right off like Diana Ross Is he transitioning is this is his for a into a dress? I don't know. I think he is definitely I think he is definitely, I think he's gay. I think he's

in the men. I see. You're that's the first ever to that last time I saw him. He was leaving a club with two girls. That was a long time ago. He may have had so much sex over the years and now he's gay. I don't know how that works. By the way, Eric from Vesonny says what's up. You just playing there. I was just there before the COVID thing. So now I'm just at Side Splitter's next weekend. Yeah, so what sucks is that I just found out I got COVID. So I will be fine. I beat it twice.

You're good. Yeah, twice. I feel fine. So, but the thing is that even we're back in the studio, we couldn't have guests in the studio. So it fucking sucks. We're missing out on all these great comedians, especially Side-spotted really came out of the gay kick in this year and we're getting fucked on everything now. I like what they did over there, man. You know, the whole thing has changed since the kid the kid brine took over

Yeah, beat you know, he's a good dude. They finally took the food turn off the stage, which was just ridiculous and the bookshelf with all the horses, I mean it's like why is this here? Why? Why is this here? It used to bug me to no end No, I want to fuck why is there a living room on the stage? Yeah, what are you trying did you recreate a sitcom or something on stage? This is awful. But it is a kill room. It's a fucking kill room.

Low ceilings, everybody is fucking, you know, triangled right towards that corner. And it's just a kill box. When you get that room going, it's fucking over. And then you got to, the best part is when you murder in that room, you got to walk through the, and they're right there. You know what I mean? So it is, everybody's not finding it.

Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it was a little different when Bobby owned it as opposed to this kid. So, you know, I like Bobby though. I like that. He was, I mean, he just, if you, we, guys like us could get along with him. Yes, because he was you know I mean, but there are certain people like

There's certain types of comics for people I can't and I never understood that. That's what I hated about LA like I've never met I've never met men that were offended You know, I mean I've met men that would like, you know, get be mad and be like, don't be fucking disrespectful. But you know what I mean? Like, guys that would be quiet and not say anything until you're away from somebody going, I didn't like what he said. Like that's like, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, it's called passive aggressive.

Is that the problem? I think so. I think somebody who comes away from something, because I've had a couple of people you you like that guy And I'm like he's harmless. He's just an old school Buford T justice. He's a He's an old school bar club owner, you know, you just got to take him with a grain of salt He said a couple things here and they had done to go fuck himself. He'll be like well. All right, then and uh I think it's regional though, too, man.

I don't know if it's generational or just regional, but people in the Northeast and area that are from there, grew up there, family, with that edge to it. I just think that we communicate better. It's, there's not a lot of, you know, you're not trying, I don't have to, I'm not gonna sing you mixed signals. Yes, you know, it's just easier to talk. It also comes with age. You get to a certain point, you're like, I'm not going to sing you mixed signals. Yes. You know, it's just easier to talk.

It also comes with age. You get to a certain point, you're like, I'm not fucking around anymore. Tell everybody the way you feel about everything. I mean, we suck at dinner parties, but other than that, they really is. I remember being L.A. and I would just confront people all the time.

And I was like, well, I wouldn't I say, she fuck you or why wouldn't I say, dude, I met you three times, stop pretending like you haven't met me. If I know you, you know, me, and we keep doing this dance every fucking, you know what I mean? And like, oh my, like I would somehow be the person that's wrong for saying that. Like, oh my, do you believe what he just said? I pretended like I didn't know him again and he called me out on in front of everybody. How rude is, you know, that type of

shit I get the fuck out of this is bad. Yeah, it was it could get a little, I mean, then now it's no different now. The last one is in New York, I'm meeting some of those types of people. It's a different scene now to me. Yeah, I think they're both kind of the same now a little bit. Maybe the internet brought it, brought everybody together. I don't know. Well, I think, uh, I think, uh, I think there's fame and then there's funny. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely.

100%. Yeah. Are you eating a fucking peach? No, man, it's a racquetball. Oh, you really are a gumbah. What, what do you, you don't even know, man, you don't even know. Look, I'm out of JR's bar and grill.

Seaside, I'd share it on how else who's done it? Oh my God. How about this? Yeah, this is for you. I just got this from my mother. Red, white and green rosary beads. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You know what I want to know?

What your, what your mother could for dinner tonight? Believe it or not, I went out. We went out tonight. Yeah. But you know, it's something could cook any, I can have it. You guys hungry? I could have it with something up. And Carol.

No. Is there name Carol? Why is that always mean we laugh when guys call their moms by their first name? Make Carol. Get there. Give me a first sec. I actually just stayed down here because of the COVID shit for her. I was handling some things and, you know, I mean, dude, I was in a, I did actually

no jokes. I did have it in a lot of, I got tested. I got tested negative, but when I got, I had this flu in November that was fucking awful for like almost two and a half weeks and I never get sick. And they told me it was some kind of bronchial virus, but when I went and they just gave me a Z-pack

and I was still sick after that, I could taste food. So I'm assuming sick after that. I could taste. Boom. So I'm assuming I had it. But who knows? I'm going to find out if I had it in fucking three days, if Mike, because I was down hanging with Mike and so don't they say eventually we're all going to get it, right? Yeah, like if I have it now and I skate through like this with no symptoms, I'll be happy because once you get it and it's gone, you're set. I'm just on traveling.

You do whatever the fuck I want now. I think your blood can save lives. Probably true. Blood could also make a gravy. Also true. I'm going to tell ladies on my bodily floor. We'll kill anything.

I so Brett, I I know that you're you're you're an L.A. for a long time. I guess you're married. Now are you done with L.A.? Are you are you moving out? Are you moving to Vegas? You get time, I guess you're married. Now, are you done with LA? Are you moving out? Are you moving to Vegas?

You get a raise. I bought a house in Ohio. I was living in Ohio for a minute. And then I, what was that about? It was with the wife trying to, we were going to start a family and shit like that. And then it just, I don't know, man. Then I got rid of the house and I was in between.

And then you know, took care of some of the loose ends. And now I'm looking at places in Vegas. You killed her? You know, whatever. Actually, not even close. She would have killed me. She could have killed me and she didn't. Wow.

Jersey chick. No, Ohio girl. Midwest. She'll Ohio girl Midwest. She'll fucking strangly or she armor us. Are you and been when? No, no. She'll bake me to death. So it's crazy.

When I moved out there in Ohio, I lived in LA over 20 something years. Everywhere I lived, I don't know my neighbor's nothing in the building I lived in, I mean, the whole neighborhood came over with stuff. They're just so really nice out there, man, you know? It's different. It's the biggest scumbag on my block.

Like I was the one that was like, polluting the neighborhood. How were you polluting the neighborhood? Well, you mix them with kids that are like, like there's like the Ohio 31, and then there's the fucking LA New York 31. The Ohio 31 has a 401k, a home, you know what I mean? Families and then there's the LA New York 31

that's fucking still working at the coffee shop. Right, right. No responsibility. And you know, these kids talk differently. Like when I was their age, like none of them have ever been in a holding cell. What I mean, they're just new people. So, you know, it was a little different,

but they're good people, man, good people. I look back at that and I think about that. I have a 13 year old son and he never had to go through any of the things that I did. He's never been in a holding cell or any of that stuff. And I wonder if that's gonna be good or bad. I wonder when he gets older, because I feel like I can handle anything,

but he's never had to handle a fucking thing in the life. So I wonder how that's gonna pan out with his older. He's gonna have to handle shit. And when he's 18, he's gonna have to handle shit. When he's 18, he's gonna have to handle shit. When he moves away, he's gonna handle shit. He's gonna go through it. When he should go through it, we went through it at fucking 10.

Yeah. Not when you're supposed to go through it. It's not supposed to go through it at fucking 10, 11, 12. You're supposed to have family that loves you and support you and you're supposed to be doing fun shit. Our generation, I think, you know, the, the, from the 70s, 80s and 90s, the gen X, the gen Xs. We had no parents.

Yeah, we had no parents. We were moving into technology fast. Sex was everywhere. All our movies had fucking rapes and date rapes and fucking, you know, it was all about coming and fucking and drinking and hard. No, you're right, dude. America wasn't even childproof. You know, the theory behind it is that like the our parents, which were the boomers, they, they went outside, they played outside, they came home when the lights came on. So we were raised that way too, except the outside wasn't

the same outside. Like where I live in live in there was crack fucking there was a guy that lived on a street used to jerk off in front of the kids. You were just told don't go that way. That's good. The guy lives down there. If you go down the block that's your fault. Fucking chatter. Did he did the guy have little hands like this? And did he have a speech in kind of it? No, I'm just saying it was a different outside, man. And then we all, like I pattern, I wanted to pattern my marriage off of what my grandparents had, not what my parents had, you know? Yeah, that one or two generation was phenomenal.

Oh, the greatest generation. Everybody after that's just sucks. They were phenomenal, but here's the problem with them, is that they hit everything. So all the gay guys hated, they were sucking dick up on their behind their wives back. You know, we watched on TV, you know, the Brady bunch and the Walton's and all this shit. And it gave us a false perspective on the reality because, and they hid all the fucked up shit. So then all of a sudden, now all this shit's coming out now. And we, you know, we, I didn't know, you know, Mr. Brady was fucking blowing people and Greg was fucking his mom. I didn't know all that shit. And then you,

you find out the way life really is and it freaks you out a little bit, you know. So I think like look at Gabby, see Gabby up there, the pretty one. Yeah, her generations, Gabbash. Harble. What are you? Millennial. Okay. I like the 20s, the younger 21s coming up. They got a little bit, they're, they laugh a lot easier. They're more into the jokes now than the millennials are kind of the ones that complained a lot, right? I'm the last year of the millennial. So I would say everyone in their 30s, early 30s, late 20s are garbage humans that are the offended people where the younger generations are

laughing. Yeah, they're, they're not as high strong. They just don't give a fuck. They're like, the world is garbage. We know that since we're seven, let's party. I kind of like that. Bobby, how long you been doing stand up? I'm 23. You're longer than me, right? Probably, probably 30.

30. So you remember like when I had started, you wanted to do colleges. It was a lot of fun. Like the girl you drank, the kids were, they laughed at everything. And was a lot of fun. Like the girl, you drank, the kids were, they laughed at everything. And then it just went left, or took a left turn, but not, I didn't mean to like, you know, it did,

but that's not what I meant. Oh, pun intended, but. And then it just became this fucking, nobody wants to do them. They're not fun. It's the teachers. The teachers are, the teachers ruined it, you know. I think when I was coming up, I made my bones when I moved to New York. When I met Matt Frost, he

booked colleges. That's it. We're talking Dave Chappelle, Jay Moore, Patrice, Norton, Me, Voss, Gary Gullman, Billy Burr, Bob Marley, we would do oncologists every week making thousands of dollars, thousands. You'd do anywhere from a thousand to five thousand dollars for one show at a college. I used to go to Florida all the time and you'd show up and it was a party. They'd bring you in, you'd be up there going, fuck and fuck, fuck and fuck. And I was fucking her and she was like, wee, and you'd hang out and you'd go party in a dorm room or, you know, some type of flat house.

I remember so I remember the lady that booked me, fucking came to my hotel room and fucking made me go down on her. It was fucking crazy. They made you. Made you go down. forced me. It was forced. This is contract. I made it an article. Yeah. No, it was it was fun, man.

Colleges were a fucking great. And then it started turning, man. That group of kids, there was always that little small group of kids at the school. And I remember one of the last colleges I did, the lady came up to me who booked me this girl. And she came in after the show and she was like, there's some students that are very, and she was all red-faced and blotchy. And now, mind you, I just did great. There were some students that were offended and I was like, of what? Because you said, you said, uh,

Faggy, and I went, what? And she said, you used to word Faggy and that I was like, I go, and this is the funny part, dang cook was there the week before me. I go, it was Dane here last week. Yeah, I go, uh, what was his closing joke? And she got her whole face went red because she knows.

This is closing joke. You're a faggot. That was his closing joke when he did the open and club pick a number, pick a number, pick a collar, pick a collar, be in bed at your a faggot and just pow. I go, did anybody get offended last week? She was like, no, I'm like, why? Well, because the way he says it, I was like, no, I'm like, why? Well, because of the way he says it,

I was like, go fuck yourself. Did she want you to apologize? She want, I don't know what she wanted. They wanted to let me know that I had said something that fucked up a small group of students, and it was gonna take away from a thousand students. That's all it is now, though. It's still the same fucking thing, but the small group

just has social media to tell the whole group what to think. I remember going to college as it was fucking amazing. This is way worse than the religious right ever was that I experienced because when I when I first started in like 96, that's what you dealt with when you went, you were doing stuff where like people that were and they were mostly offended by sex jokes. It's just the pendulum swung. It's just all over the place now and I don't know man. But you know what funny still funny still funny and the good news is that the audience can find you now. I think the internet's the greatest thing that's ever happened to art myself. Yeah, you could do it all you're selling on the Kissing Moodies ass. You know where am I?

Yeah. You don't have to ask. No, not at all. Like even it was 10 years ago, we'd have to ask to do this show. We'd have to ask somebody, Hey, what do you think of this? Now, you just fucking do it. Yeah. And then people are putting their specials online now.

And even Mark just put his Mark Norman put his special online. And of course it did well and murdered. So who came of Colin being Netflix? Hey, don't do that again. You know what I mean? Dude, I did just say, I was from what I know. Because I didn't mind two, three years ago. I put it out for free as a fuck you two and a half years ago.

I built out a site, but up until about the last 11 months, I just hit two and a half million. Wow, it's crazy. And yeah, and I was able to make my money back. What I did originally, I built out the site, Brett comedy with one T Brett, so you go there, and all you had to do was hit play. And if you wanted to own it, you could buy it for five bucks

or just give me your email or you could buy a T shirt and you can get it for 20 or just hit play. You don't have to do anything. And then my average donation was 20 bucks. And then that's one of the reasons why I was able to get out of fucking LA and buy something nice. And then I just put it on YouTube and it took a long time, but once it started going, it started going.

Yeah, this was it. So if you look at how I did it here, I just built it so you could just hit play. That's great. That's so smart. Wow. And then I embedded the YouTube in that. So I was getting views from both. And then, you know, I mean, I do switch it around a little, but anyways, yeah, it's, it's,

if it wasn't for this, I would have had a, a fucking, uh, because I produced it myself. I would have had a fucking almost $30,000, that, that doorway, but, you know, you got to think outside the box. That's that's so smart. You give it away. Now, given it away is the best thing to do because you know, you're right. There is a dream. Calta is a comic.

You we all have this thing that someone's going to come and, you know, be like, Hey, man, we want to do your special. We want to give you a $5 million. And we want to, you know what I mean? You have that dream of, hey, man, we want to do your special. We want to give you a $5 million. And we want, you know what I mean? You have that dream of, they want me. And then when they don't want you, it's like, I suck my dick. You know, everybody I talk to,

not, I mean, a lot of people that had specials hour on Comedy Central or Netflix, where none of them, even Ralphie was like, I didn't make much money off of the first couple of specials. You really got to go for deep before you start cash in on them. Well, yeah, well, you know, it's funny. They'll get behind people or they won't, whatever the, whatever their reasoning is, that's fine.

That's not a deal with me. That's how I look at it. So, look, my goal, I did it first. I did it wrong. Shultz, he did it better did it better when he cut it up. Like, I have two million, so I get paid every month for one video with two million. If I cut it up in 10, I would have got

what I'm getting making a month, 10 times. So next time around, but I also have the numbers now, because I self-produced my last bag, just shot in Vegas at Kimmel's Club. So I can either say, okay, look, this is what I made on my own. You either have to do better than this, right? Or I'm just gonna release it again, I don't care.

I see, before I got into comedy, I was in the nightclub business. And, you know, the cover is only there. To, you really, you don't care about the door. You care about the bar, right? So if I don't get you out the door, I'll get you at the bar. All I need is people to buy tickets. That's all I give a fuck about. I mean, that's how Sebastian made that. That's how all most comics make their money. Is there live touring? If you really blow up. Oh, a book you should read as it's called a thousand true fans. Have you read that? No, is that you hear of it? No, it was written in like oh nine

It was like an independent band that had a thousand fans and they said to themselves if they can get a hundred dollars From their thousand true fans they can make a hundred grand right so whether the suit ticket sales t-shirts product and Basically, they just stuck to what they knew So and they made more than that by the way. So that's the thing is, you know, I have a specific amount of people that follow me that are, you know, a good amount that, you know, if I can just get them to buy tickets, we're good. There it is.

29. Indole. Yeah, it's easy read. I have I have eight. Is that enough? Two fans? I have eight. I have eight true fans. Well, if you can get $80,000 from all eight of them a year, your gold brother. I remember when I first started comedy when I in New York, I used to call them the fat eight. I had, I had, I had eight fans that would follow me, that just, I called them the fat eight because it was just eight fat people that would follow me around. And I'd take them out after the diners and shit and we'd eat like disco fries and pick up the tab.

Of course, yeah. You're eight fans cost you money now. You gotta go the other way with the model. You're not doing the model right. I gotta read the book. You're doing it wrong, Bobby. Yeah, two of them died. You're gonna get a hell of your fans.

From Kolesper off from disco fries. No, for real, did they really pass away? No kidding. I'm kidding. I don't know. I'm sorry. There's so many groups in Bobby's life. I'd like to see the fat eight, mentally challenged people that you live in the house with. Yeah, the six of those, there was six mental volunteers. I love it. I love it. How that's not a show. I don't know. I would watch that every night. Is that yeah, did you really live there? I lived with six mentally challenged elderly men. They were 50 and up and I was there. I was a caretaker from 11 to eight every five days a week, but I lived there. So I had a room in the apartment upstairs.

And this was just side hustle while you were doing standup? This was my, this is my, this is so I could have a place to live. I lived with my, I had a foster father. I went from rehab to my mother's, but me, my mother couldn't get along after I got a rehab because I was, she's still treating me like I was using drugs. So I moved in with my foster father, Ken Lazarus.

I lived with him for a while. And then shit went south with him, like really bad. And then I needed a place to live. So there was this, my ex girlfriend, Kristen, who was, uh, uh, had this job with these mentally challenged people. So she got me this gig where I got a free place to live, a hundred bucks a week, free food. And I just had to take care of these guys from 11 to eight every five days a week. And uh, it was the best job ever had in my life. You know what I'm realizing, Robbie? As many times as we've hung out we really didn't talk about much did we

Fucking wrestling moves the frogs flash and fucking The cross face chicken wing Yeah, we didn't we read we must have not have talked a lot. I mean You know I like the ticket. Huh? Dude, the story was on it. When I did the Vince Vauntour, right, it was sponsored by Budweiser. So Budweiser pretty much said to us, hey, listen, we're going to give you guys a deal if you

want it. We'll give you three cases of beer a month, right, for a year, but you're obligated to go to three events in the Budweiser box. So I'm like, really? Yeah. Yeah. Like that. And this, the type of shit that one, you know, once you get on a show or do something, the shit that people give you for free. So I'm like, I got three cases of beer, but I'm obligated to go to the fucking staple center. So I picked the Lakers game and me and Bobby went for we were in the box for the wrestling thing. Yeah. And I had to go see the river dance with with the girl. I had that was awful. That guy's an ego maniac, by the way. I don't

know if you've ever went to the River Dance or was forced to go. Dude, the beginning is like this 3, I'd say about 13-minute intro. Everybody's doing this, you know? And then there's an explosion and then the fucking guy is just there. And then the whole show, the camera's just on him, he's on the jumbo screen, the whole the whole show the cameras just on him. He's on the jumbo screen. He's and he's I'm dead ass, man. He's got the Elvis outfit on. You know, it was like deliberate with the sequence and he's just fucking dancing everywhere. It was awful two hours. I wanted to kill myself. He's the lord of the dance. That guy, I don't know if you've ever seen it. I mean, you're like, okay, it looks good after a while. You know, you like first 20, 30 minutes, and then you're in almost an hour and 40, you're like, all right, guy. This is how I know I married the right person,

because if I went inside to my wife and I said, hey, we're going to go take it to go see River Dan, she'd be like, you know, you're fucking mind. Yeah, yeah. My wife would do the same to you. She'd be like, have fun. Hey, honey, me and the boys are going to go see River Dan. Fun guys. You did that tour with Vince Vaughn. Now, did you ever get a show? Like, it's surprising to me because I remember back in the day. I mean, dude, you have an age to fucking a second in 20 years. Number one, no joke, dude. I mean, you hair, you're fake, you look the same. You look back then, okay? Thanks. And it's surprising to me that, you know, there was

a time where you were on that tour, you were popping off. Everything was fucking happening. I was like, oh, this guy's going to have his own fucking show as right now. We had about, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, that about five failed pilots and, I mean, I'm on a show now, finally, but what's the show? Cobra Kai. The karate kid. Cobra Kai? Yeah. What do you mean Cobra Kai? I play a Daniel, I'm Louis, Lerso. I'm just causing. That's awesome. But yeah, no, man, I had a deal before I did the before I did the tour. Right. But then that didn't pan out.

And then I had another hold and you know, it's just one of those things where you go through the cycle. People don't know what these are because what happens is Hollywood will come in some network or whatever will come in and go, look, we're gonna give you a holding deal, which basically means here's $100,000, $200,000 or whatever it is to not go with anybody else.

But then, but them for six months to a year and it's basically they can shelf you, they can literally all the heat you have, they just fucking suck it dead. I don't know, I didn't know any better man, you know, because you do the dance when you get there. So you figured it, I mean, if someone's gonna offer more money

that I've ever seen in my life just to sit home for six months, and you don't hear from anybody. So, when people don't realize, like, just say you have 32 pilots going a season. The odds of getting one, okay, is impossible. And then for that show to even get picked up is impossible. And for that show to last fucking over three seasons is impossible. So once you're taking off a one, all your shots, all your eggs are in this one basket,

and if that basket doesn't go, you gotta start all over again the next season. But I've always focused on the standup, man. I really have. That's my passion, it's my 401K. It's something I've always loved. It's just what I do, man. So everything else to me was gravy after that, you know

Jesus crack it. I hang out with you more you go to 401k. What's going on? You go It's called side splitters Next weekend Tuesday through Sunday Tuesday through Sunday, Jesus Bobby Joe was back for a second. Stay at the condo. The UK is apartment. No, but it's just, you know, it's the game, and it's whatever it is.

But I've had a lot of, I say, six failed successful failures, you know, what do you mean? Getting a deal, being on pilots, I had a script option, that type of shit, where, you know? What do you mean? Getting a deal, being on pilots, I had a script option, that type of shit, where you get paid, but it didn't go, but it's still, as long as I kept original and kept going on stage, man, that's all I cared about, that's all I focused on. So I've been able to pay the bills for, you know, for not getting anything on the air.

We were on that list, by the way, do you see that list, Bobby? I was on a list. Yeah, me, you, God-free. It was like, it was like a, it was like a few years ago, was this complimentary list of, it was like a back-handed compliment.

It was like the five, like one of the five comedians that everybody thinks should be bigger than they are. It's like something like that, we're like me, you, God, free. I forgot the other two was. This is a while ago, man. Look at Gabby.

Look how quick she's going to do a phone to pull it up. I'm the producer of the show. I know, baby. I'm sorry. I mean, as we, I don't know if it was a blog or a real thing, but it went around for a minute. So I don't even know if it's still in the cyber years. At least it's not the racist comics list

that's going around now. I thought that was it at first. I was like, oh, no, no, the open micers list. Yeah. Yeah, there's a there's a there's a there's one guy sad. Yeah. Is that really a list? Oh, yeah, there's a list of nobody made of half of it's just like people nobody care about. And Kevin Brennan. It's like, okay. So. Yeah, Kevin Brennan likes it because he gives him more heat. More people were talking about him. He doesn't go. It's a weird thing, but I think you're right.

It's the stand up is the key. You know, I think I do. I know, but it's hard, Brett, because when you do get, like, you know, when I, when you do get a TV show or you're on a pilot or it's such a fucking soothing bath to be in, because you're on a show, you're making this money. It's not all on, you know, in the money's just ridiculous. And all the perks that come with it, it's like fucking, and people do treat you differently.

People when you walk in a room and they know you're on something, there's a different vibe that you get from people. You know what I mean? So it kind of eliminates, you know what it does, it eliminates a lot of anxiety. You know, that fame eliminates a lot of the anxiety and stress that you have. So you don't have to worry about it, you know?

When you're a stand up, doing the road, there's a lot of fucking stress going to that. Imagine just dude, right now you're gonna call from BT, all your shows are sold out. You'd go and just have fun. And you'd go up and you'd go up and be freer because Mike fell asleep. You, you, you, he's got, he's got COVID. You got to let it slide. No, I was, I was like, man, wouldn't that be great of all those shows are sold out?

Because I'm not that good. Well, like, you do, but you are, I mean, look, you are, you notice, I'm not just pulling you, you know, just saying this, but you are one of the more respected guys in the game. You know what I mean? Yeah, thanks, man. And you do have a follow-in of people that when they go see a show, they know what they're getting. Well, yeah, that's why I love playing Tampa. That's why I love going down to those shows. And, you know, especially with Calta, he, him, you know, Patrice always said that you need somebody to get you over. You need somebody to give you their fans.

You know, when we go to these places, you need somebody to go, you got to go see this guy. Trust me. And then you fucking deliver time and time again. That's our job, just to go up and murder, right? So it, it, it is a, um,, it's just you still, you still have that stress. That's why I love playing size, but it's because I know it's, I don't have to worry about it. I know the people are coming. I know it's going to be fine. And I don't have to worry about ticket sales. Like a couple of weeks ago, we were going to Versani's

I call Mike, you know, dude, I got an email. He's like, uh, don't worry about it. I'm going to announce it tomorrow. Boom. Just gone. You know what I mean? We didn't have to think about ticket sales. We didn't have to think about Twitter tweets and all this horse shit or getting a call from some panicky club owner because he's paying me way too much money. You just go in and have fun. You know, the, the, the, uh, the anxieties out of it. No, there is,. Yeah. But I'm saying like, if I was doing a, if we were doing like one of those job expos and we were talking about it, I mean, we're really, you know, there's a bunch of guys that could tell you

what it's like at this level, it's work. You know, even when I look at like the, a lot of the younger cats coming up and they're more, which if somebody asked me why I wasn't at a place where I thought people thought I should be or whatever, it would be because of social media. I wasn't good at it. I didn't know anything about it. I didn't care to know anything about it. I just wanted to write and perform and write and write and write. And now about three years ago, I had to make that adjustment, which

it helped. But at the end of the day, if we to make that adjustment, which it helped. But at the end of the day, if we're giving that seminar on how to talk about being a state, people don't know. You got to be up for press. You know what I mean? You got to sell. You got to get, there's nothing worse than when you're not selling and you're just keeping the door, you know, and or if it's a special engagement, there's no, I don't know how

the, what we're doing now with the bonuses, because it's only half full. There's a lot to this business that people just not even outside of the performing. You're right. There's tons of anxiety. I'm getting it now. I always think about from the other end of it, being the radio guy is that, like, I'm up. I'm up every day at four o'clock. So I'm up. You

fly in from LA on Wednesday night and then they tell you you got to be up to do radio on Thursday. I already know you hate me on the way there. I've got to, I've got to win you, I got to win you awake and then win you over before you get there. But thank God most comedians come in pretty hot. They come in pretty good. But for my, what I remember, you're a good interview because you're not announcing the time every fucking two minutes. No, it's going past the hour. So, Brad, tell us about when you flew in. You know, it's just it's a fucking realistic thing. It's like Paul's like. Yeah. Paul Kassionov. Yeah. There's some of those where, you know, you got to, it's a lot easier. I mean, I haven't done, I don't know how one the last time I did it was years ago.

I think it was when I was at the improv years ago. But you know, you know, Norton taught me though, you have to learn how to do those shows too. Those moment pop shows. It's a pleasure when you go on like Mike's show. But, you know, when that guy is like, I give it up for this next guy. It's a pleasure when you go on like Mike's show, but when that guy is like, all right, give it up for this next guy. He's a barrel of monkeys. This guy, you gotta know how to be funny on that guy's show. You gotta, you know what I mean?

This is, I always ask what type of show is it? Oh, it's a husband and wife, got it in bang. What type of show? This guy, I love comedy, but he's kind of dry. I got it back. So when I go in, I know how to work that show. And I just need to get a couple laughs. And I need to be interesting.

No, Mike's show is like hanging out at a barbecue for great. You can forget your own show. I swear. Is there a barbecue there? No. He's right, because we have barbecue there, usually. That's true

mush. A mush, by the way, is fucking he really, you know, you told him he could come on the cruise and besides it is and he really wants to go. We'll see. I told you mush. You don't just say you don't just say yes, you're hanging out there for a little while. We got to fucking October reminds will get some shit out of it. Hang it out there for a while. I'm just gonna hurt you fucking hanging himself in his ex wife's apartment. Like, but hang it out there for a while. If you murder her, you can go.

Yeah, we're going to turn the jail. We're going to turn the camera on one day. We're just going to see feet swinging in front of counter and Kelly. Do you know, do you know, like, I don't know, I don't want to put you on the spot, but like radio shows that you know when you go into, like this is going to fucking suck, because I can tell you comedians that are going to come on and I'll be like, this is going to be awful. Usually, I'll tell you what, there's usually a couple of times where I go, all right,

what are we going to talk to this guy about? And it ends up, like, Bobby Lee, I remember Bobby Lee, I was like like, we're gonna talk to Bobby Lee about this before his podcast and all that. And then he came in and was like, ended up being my favorite guest. So that happens a lot too. He gets surprised, but I mean, you walk into it, I bet. And just if I walked in, I looked at the two people behind the counter, I would be like, fuck, man, I wouldn't know how to be funny in 30 seconds setups and all that stuff. Um, I mean, there are some, but I'm with Bobby. I just, I don't never dial it in anywhere. I go, man, I mean, look, me and Bobby will eventually have the conversation on the worst fucking childhood. But I've, I've been on my own since I was like 17. Oh my god. I hustle everything. Okay. Like,

I don't take anything for granted. Every inch I've earned. So that's what I treated with. I'm not a guy that I look at everything as a blessing to, man. It's like, you know, I don't dial anything in, man. I got, it's just me. I always say to myself, you know, I'm one of those guys where I hate losing more

than I like winning. Does that make sense? Yeah, totally. And, you know, so if I'm coming in, it's just, I'm not gonna dial it in. It, you know, and I'll be honest with you, I've kept these relationships with a lot of these radio people for so long that whenever I have,

like something coming out, I can get up at 4 a.m. and they let me call in all over the country because I have a whole row of decks of the names of the producers and stuff like that, you know, through the years, I mean, over 20 something years, I've been doing this. So, you know, I don't know, count every penny, you know? Yeah, I agree with you.

You know, it's funny. I mean, I gotta be honest, too. I don't know what dialing it in means. I was just nodding my head. But, uh, I gotta be honest too. I don't know what dialing it means. I was just nodding my head, but I was really I'm really you just nodding your head. That's dialing it in I'm really glad you two got to meet for the first time tonight. Yeah, I know So weird, right

Brett Brett, I look man. I've always liked you. We just never had an opportunity to hang out. No, every time, no, you're wrong. Every time we hang out, there's other people there and we end up laughing and breaking balls. We've never sat down and talked. It's not something that I don't know. That I don't know.

I'm not here on my shoulder, you know? I can't let you. Are you moving to Vegas for real? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a, you know, for business purposes as well. I mean, we shoot the gentleman show out of, I did it, I'm working with Manila Bay and MGM now. So we do a sports gambling podcast.

And, but I mean, it's, we shoot it at the Manila Bay. So it's, and I'm only 40 minutes from L.A., so it's just, it seems like a smart move. Who do you do the podcast with? It's me, the SkyJ Rude, who's the, there's a handicap or, I don't know if you remember Javon Curse, the, the, the freak, and this kid Alex Monaco, who's our, our little millennial sports kid. That's pretty odd. That's a good gig, man. That must be so much fun. Well, it's, again, man, you know, it's, it's, uh, I, I came up with it and, you know, you just do your work. You write, you write it out, you try to find the people, the right people

to put it together, you know, and, and you shoot, uh, Cobra Kai, is that, that, when that, when that, when that, that's in Atlanta, we shoot that in Atlanta. So that will still go, because then I'll give a fuck in Atlanta. Well, what happened, well, right now, they haven't released season three yet, but from what I heard that Netflix is trying to buy it. Yeah, well, for YouTube, right? And because what happened was YouTube,

it was running on YouTube premium because they were trying to launch a streaming service. And now they're trying to sell it. I think it's going to be at an Amazon or Netflix. So then once that buy is confirmed, then they're going to tell us when season four comes, you know. It's great. Yeah, I got to watch it now. Where are you in from season one? Oh, do you want to come in? I'm in all a season one. I'm not in season two because of what I did in season one. And then I'm back in season three, which I don't know. Ooh. How low do we go to prison? Hey, I wish.

Mushish, there you are. Play a little bit mushy. Break and balls. Look, I get it. I used to be the new guy around here. You're trying to take initiative, get noticed. All right, here's what you need to do. Every Wednesday, someone has to rotate the cars

in the showroom. Keep the inventory fresh. I'm not even seeing this. He got a car on the wall. I'm not even seeing this. He got a car on the wall. Well, the boss has been wanting to move it up front by the windows. You think he can handle that?

For sure. Yeah, I can do it. OK. Real cousin energy. The guys that did this are the guys that did hot tub time machine and Harold and Kumar. Will Smith's company is executive producing it because they owned the IP because remember they re-did the crime. the IP, you know, because remember they read the, right? Oh, no, no,

no, she's talking. Let him talk. Oh, guys, go ahead, Brett. So, go ahead, who's doing this? Fucking mush. No,

I don't care. I was into what you were saying. What were you saying? So, I was saying, the guys that wrote, it was the people that did hot tub time machine and Harold and Kumar and Then Will Smith's company is the one that it produces this as well because they owned the karate kid They bought the IP The intellectual property remember because he remade it with his kin. Yeah

But it's more of a comedy than it is a it's you know, it's you know, dude. We got it was Got pretty good reviews. It's just it was, it's, you know, dude, we got, it was, got pretty good reviews. It was just, it was great. It was great. Did you watch Abby watch all of it? I know, both the seasons are not. No, but I started, only because I run out of time and not because I didn't like it. It was, it was like, you know, I'm from that age, man.

So when I started watching, I couldn't believe it. That all the characters were there and then they brought the kids, all the corporate guy guys back and the way they killed off the one guy. It was, it was fucking great. I thought it was brilliant the way they put it together. He killed off the guy. Well, I would just I don't want to ruin it. I didn't see who it was.

It was one of the guys guys. That's it. It's not a big deal. You're not missing out. Marina. Around 10 years ago, me and Joe Derosa pitched their show to what's his name. What the fuck is the guy's name? Larusso. What's his real name? Ralph Macho. Ralph Macho. We pitched him a show called the As Out Agency where we were a shitty management company in New York and we were going to get him

to be our big client and we were going to get him a show, like a comeback show. And it was like a reality time show. And I remember we we brought him in and we met with him. And I just remember looking at it, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. All right. And we were like, I get you, just feel it like fucking not going well. Yeah, you could feel like this is the 90th, 900 pitch you got on fucking. And then the motherfucker winds up doing this. I mean, he should have went with us. But listen, you know, you people forget what it is, accomplished actor. Like he worked with Coppola, he worked with Adelson.

He's done so much Broadway. It's really interesting talking to him because he's really into acting. Great guy. Really, if one of the best nicest guys on a planet, he really is. He's super doing that. He lives out in Long Island. And he never, he was in LA, he said for like a little while and then he left and then he'd just been out in the New York area since then. I think the greatest thing that happened because of the internet and this technology thing is you don't have to live. You really don't, once you're at established comedian,

you can choose where to live. You don't need to live in New York. You don't need to live in LA to survive as a stand-up comedian anymore. If you're established, If you're established, I still think you should be an either or to make your bones. You know, I agree. You should make your bones.

I think you should make your bones wherever you're from. And then go. Then go. Yeah, you know what you're a little underneath. You're the new guy, oh, the new girl. Sorry, Gabby. That's okay. I'll forget.

Okay, hold your arm put up and you you have some type of woke tattoo under it. So I think she likes Brett too. You haven't said a word this whole podcast. I'm listening. How you doing Gabby? I'm going. He's from Jersey, you know. There's no. Gabby, how long have you been doing this? I've been doing comedy four years. Okay. Yeah, I'm new. I'm new. I've been doing comedy four years. Okay. Yeah, I'm new. I'm new. Hard enough to like, Brett. He's every, every single person I grew up with has his face. Right. He's, he's everyone's cousin. You know what I mean?

So you know, it's fucked up. It is a compliment. And then when he gets older, he's going to be the good looking older guy. be the good looking older guy. Thought pepper. Yeah.

Somebody just called you in the chat. Nick DePolo's brother. I don't know if these are, by the way, I don't know if these are compliments or not. You can play Nick. I'll take a mason, but Nick DePolo and the Nick DePolo story. Well, Nick and Arty show you your wild back, man. So to me and Mike, that was great. Well, I mean, I hosted that for a week. And then the week after we hosted, I got canceled. When we had when Nick left and then already was not enough, they brought me and Mike in to do it.

left and then already was not enough. They brought me a mic and to do it. And they remember that they stuck us with some girl, some sports girl. They're always fun. And then then tell us until the day we showed up, like, what the fuck is she? She's going to be on the show with you guys. And she's like, you know, she's already in with Fox, like the head of Fox. So she came in with her feet up on the desk. She had all this candy because that's her thing. You know what I mean? Like she choose candy your thing. I don't know. She had a bunch of candy on the like Mike and Ike's and all the shit. But this why I love my Calta. This is why I love my Calta. My number one best friend. He's punched her right in the side. You fucking save it, Joe.

First thing out of his mouth. Hey, which one of us would you bang? I know you would bang. But which one would you bang? I mean, they literally sat me down for half hour and they were like, no sex stuff. No, they want, they want to hear sports. They want to hear how you guys talk about topical stuff. And I'm like, yeah, all right, I get it. I got it.

Then she annoyed me so much. I was like, fuck it. I don't want this job anyway. Let's just do it. And then my temper fucking flared up. I got, she triggered me. I started arguing about some stupid bracket. I'm like, we should do a bracket of stand up comics. I go, you can't.

You can't, it's not basketball, you fucking idiot. It's, you can't, you think is funny. I don't think it's funny, it's personal. You know, basketball has stats. You can go by actual facts and stats, who's the best, who is this? How are you supposed to do that with prior in Carlin? If you can't do a bracket, she was like, why can't we do, we should do a bracket. I'm like, you just fucking like doing brackets, because it's fucking sports. Speaking of which, losing your sweet 16, Bobby. Well, I got to do the names real quick guys before we wrap up. This is a segment we do on the show. All the new

Patreon members, I read their names. Do you want to let Brad go? Do you want him to sit through the? No, my bread. I want bread to be in this. You don't want to see, you don't want him to see you like this. I love bread. I want me and him at a connection finally. He's like, you understand Mike. I've liked bread since the day I met him.

But we've never fucking connected. He's actually connected with friends of mine. Like, dude, Brad, I'm of mine like dude Brett. I'm a kind of breath very very connected. I have a feeling Brett's coming out the ear and going inside and tell Carol. I didn't even like Bobby. Oh, I have to apologize to about what Mike Calta what you're right about what he knows He accused me of saying something on the show when Bill Burr was on that I did not say You're a bright you like Bill Burr. Yeah, he's a good friend of mine. He's kind of a kind of a little bit If you're gonna talk sports,

you know, he's just as passionate as I am. Which reminds me of that question for Bob when we're done about the difference between Brady and Belichack. Okay, let's go through these names and then we'll do the question. I wanna ask you this is legit question. And then we're gonna switch the fuck out.

Now I read these names the way I see them. Okay. That's the way I read these names. And I want to thank everybody who's a member of the Patreon. Patreon. These are all new members. Patreon. I say Patreon. Terry. Okay. Your own trash. It's French. Patreon. Okay. Ready. Thank you, everybody, for being a member. All you guys are in the chat right now. We love you. All the guys who watching, listening and checking out all this stuff. We love you. All the guys who watching, listening, checking out all this stuff. We hope you like it, but these are the new members

and here we go. Ryan Hone and innings. Hennings. Matthew Claiborne. Claiborne. Robert. Nice. Got that one right there. Rhetoric freeth.

The Rod trick. Kester Walsh. Sharon Alio. Kevin McLaughlin. Jeffrey Lustin. Joseph T. Schrifter. Even an N in that last name. Lustin.

Lustin. Lustin. Joe Bill Howard. William Miller III. Stuart Court. Travis Myers, Thomas Valencia. Cornelius Price, Sean Smith, Jack Collins, Adrian Mitchell. Brian Edwards, and Kabuki. Great Kabuki, remember him? Yeah.

He's just fit. Oh no, that was Kabbalah, you got an giant. Kabuki, you just fit the green path. Green stuff, yeah. Fit the mist, yeah. What was the mist? That shit, but then couldn't have been fucking healthy. It was lying.

It was supposed to be lying, right? Lying or something that you put on dead bodies when you have to you clip somebody. Shit. So yeah, listen, we're going to find out this year who it was. That's all my time. Yeah. If Tampa Bay goes to the fucking big show, even if they go, they don't have to win.

If they go, it was Brady. If they don't, if they don't and the fucking patriots because you know, Bella check, take my grandmother and throw her at make of the quarterback. If they go, if we go to the playoffs, if we go to the big show without Brady, it was fucking Bella check. There you go. Okay. There you go. And I'm sure Bella check really wants to prove. Okay, I don't need you, Tom. I don't need you, Grunk. I don't, I have a team. If they follow what the fuck I tell them to do, we have a shot of going to the Super Bowl. If you do your job, that's it. That's his fucking motto. And we're going to see now. If the patch go to the fucking bowl and win another one, fuck you.

Tom, you want to better know? You want to better know? Yeah, how much? I'll bet you $10,000 at the bucks. Why do you gonna take my family out? Why are you going to ruin my life? Why do we have to do that? No What do you want a bet? I'm a pandemic What do you want to do? I have a patria. I don't have $10,000 to suck. I'm not on fucking coberkai. I don't have

I don't Don't have, I don't have it. I don't have it. Five bucks. Five bucks. Let's do a hundred bucks. I give you a hundred bucks. And if you lose, you have to hug me and say, I love you on air, like on like a video. I mean, I only agreed it up because I know the bucks are going to go further than the patrons. And did do it.

Deal. You guys don't talk about it. What it? He has to hug me and say, I love you. I love you. Why is that? He never, he's, all the years we've been friends out of all the years, I've been doing, I love you buddy.

Never will say he'll go thanks. What's wrong with you? He, I think Brett, I think Brett's fucking playing the numbers right now. No, I was looking at schedules real quick while you're talking. So, yeah. Because I was going to say, I mean, I think the bucks should take the division this year. If they go deep in the playoffs even, I mean, because they got to stack offense, I would

still have to say Brady. I mean, listen, to me personally, Joe Montana is still the best I've ever seen play. I don't care about rings. That guy, but it's what he did with the cheese. You got to verify it, right? Nothing. Okay. What did you say?

I'm sure you don't, you got divorced. I, uh, no man, if you think about it, dude, listen, I like Brady's story. Actually, if I had to pick one or the two, Brady, I find Brady's story more compelling and I like it more. Let's be honest, as a cowboy fan, Montana, I'm ruining my childhood. There's no reason for me to pick the guy. It's just from playing the game my whole life and watching it play.

Brady was perfect in that system and I'm dying to see what he does with Tampa. I think if he doesn't take some far, then that's the nail on the coffin in his legacy and he's undisputed to go. So six rings didn't do a few. He's gotta go to Tampa, bring a shit organization. Well, well, here's why Bobby, if you really to get into it, it's a team sport. Okay.

Let's be honest. A lot of those passes, but here's a little fact for you. Joe Montana's never throwing an interception in a championship game. All right. Brady played like shit in some of those super balls like that. Pick six against Atlanta, even that catch off of Edelman's hands was off the hand of a defensive back. I mean, it's any can't throw out of the pocket. So it's a different type of quarterback. Yeah, I mean, I watched the game.

I know the game like the back of my hand. I've never seen a player like Montana just beat you out of the pocket in the pocket. I mean, the guy won a national championship and a fucking high school championship and never lost a Super Bowl. I mean, the guy is just a special breed of athlete of quarterback. But Brady, I think I'm rooting for him this year. I want to see him do well.

I really do, man. I think he's, I love his story, but they go. All right. Yeah, did I, did I, so is that why rings don't cover it enough? You are, your smile is a fucking million dollar smile. That's all I got to say. I don't know how anybody stays mad at you, Mr. Brett.

Well, that's my ex-boyfriend. Listen, man, I want to hook up and hang out next time I'm in Vegas. Well, next time in New York, let's hang out. Let's get some dinner. Hey, yet, why don't you come on the the gentleman show when we get up and running? Because we've had a, you know, we have comics on all the time. Absolutely. When I, you know, the comedy seller at the Rio, hopefully it gets back and running soon.

Oh, I hope so. I did a couple of guest sets there when Verzy was in town and, dude, what a great room, dude. That's a great room, but I heard that casino was going away, wouldn't it? They got bought to, but it's going to take around two years. So they might be able to find another location for the club. But great club. The fucking great club. I'm hoping it gets back in once Vegas starts pumping it out again.

And I'm definitely as soon as it does, I'm booking a weekend. And then we'll definitely hang out. I'll come on your show. You come over to the club, do a spot. And yeah, absolutely good. And I want to thank you for coming on tonight, dude. It's good to see you. And good to get to know you a little better. It's good to see an old friend that we didn't really know that we really know each other. You guys will always have the rock a Multi if you want to come out to the to the club. Let me know I got you tickets next weekend if you want to come through. Yeah, if I'm I don't have COVID. I'll be there for sure

Mushes actual Desktop just in case you wanted to see with the producer of the calm. Yeah, he just want to show him his desktop. He's got a lot of little icons on there. You motherfuckin' boy. No one I know this is not there. The, uh, I mean, his logo isn't there anymore. Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha ha. He got a title. This fucking quarantine's been brought. What a brutal 2020 for me. How everybody did. How many of us, all my gigs, my wife, my house, it was fucking awful. I still got my life in house. Oh, you missed the gigs, at least. I think you have it easier to be honest. And right there, I got to be careful. There we go, right

here. There's the podcast. Make sure you sign up, go check out his podcast and Tampa. You know, I mean, Mike is, you know, Mike's the man. So when you're down there, you know, all his fans are going to come out and check you. I mean, you're fucking hilarious. And you're a great guy, a solid fucking dude. And, you know, thanks for coming on, brother. I appreciate it. I appreciate it too, brother. Yeah. All right, there we go. And then we just get to say a couple goodbyes here. All right. We'll see you later, man. Much God bless. Thanks for buying a bread. We'll see you. Come back. Gabby. Thank you, love. Hi, buddy. I'm Bush. My bread. My mic. See you, buddy. Yeah. Bye, buddy. Oh, good. I hope we weren't going to sign off before we talked about Gabby having sex right before

the show. I had sex right before the show. I've been thinking about that for 58 minutes. Thank you for bringing that back up. Yeah, I get all I've been thinking about. I literally looked at the clock and scrambled to get back on here. Where is he now? He left.

Oh, you kicked him out? I mean, where's my boyfriend? He had to go. What was the stuff? What'd you do with the stuff? What stuff do you think you're talking about? The happy juice. What'd you do with the happy juice? I washed it off. Well, where was it?

That's not a fear of fucking business. I know. None of this is my business, but I want to know it all. Just point front, back, top, side. Are you pointing to me right now? This side. Right now pointing to me right now? I'm tied right there. Is that where it was? Yeah. Oh, Gabby. I'm kidding. It wasn't on my just my chin. Oh, it's on your forehead.

It wasn't on my chin. Gabby, Gabby, Gabby. Jesus, and Macalda, this is the... Gabby, don't look at him. Look at me. What position? I'm not telling you. Multiple positions are just one. I mean, anything. Multiple positions are just one. That's all I want to know.

It's not of your business. I know, none of this is my business. Why don't you just use your imagination and we'll stay with that. I'm trying, but it's not sufficient enough. I need to know. Well, Brett does look like a guido version of my boyfriend, and that was actually very distracting. Oh. Do you like Brett? I think he's hot. I think he's hot in a way where he looks like everyone

I grew up with and in my mind, the only people were Guitos and then I moved to New York and I was like, oh, there are other kinds of people that guys that exist that aren't five, six with a buzz cut, you know. So your date, Brad, if you were single, you'd hook up with him. No, I would hook up with him. I wouldn't date him. But you'd hook up with him. Yeah. Would you let him hit your chin? Depending on how good the date goes.

Kevin, you look so, when you came on tonight, you had a glow about you. This is what happens when you had just had sex. Good. Did you finish? Yeah, of course, every time. Every time? Yes, but I was at my parent's house for two weeks, so now I'm kind of back in full

glory. You finished or he finished both. So you say every time, every time because he's so good or because you're just too quick. No, if I sit on a chair wrong, I come. There's nothing going on. I'll remember that. I'll remember that.

Okay, so that's so much easier for the guy that's less than have to worry about the anxiety of Yeah, you do other stuff or just it obvious fucking dying I'm fucking dying because my you know stand mic is like an anaconda when he sees something He slowly wraps around it and squeezes and he's fucking and and all of a sudden you're like, I can't fucking, and now you're going to be fucking telling us everything. He doesn't quit. He doesn't stop. He's a slow squeeze. Well, listen, if you listen to my podcast, I tell you everything regardless. I don't say a lot on this podcast because you're all fucking weird perverts.

He's been with it like, so I'd be like, shit, I gotta listen to that podcast. I'm a weird, I a weird perfect. Yes. I don't want to hear anything about your chin your side your butt your the judge. I don't want nothing to do All right, I like the both and your mom and you're like a daughter to me and I don't I told you you're a fucking Jersey six and a half First of all, I'm a Jersey 35 and I'm a New York eight. She doesn't like the butt. I remember that from previous conversation. I don't like butt play.

Yeah, I don't see. And vegan, like juice comes out of this. You don't want to go back there. But you don't want to go back there. It's just like fucking wheatgrass and beans. Yeah. Does he dirty? Yeah, dirty talk to each other. Why is that? The last guy to finger a butthole at a kidney beans skin come out in his hang nail.

I miss eating beans. I miss you, beans. I miss you, beans. So, I mean, I want to listen to the podcast. Give me a little bit more. No. What more could you possibly want to know? Like, it was a dirty talking.

You guys talked dirty each other during or is it just straight? It depends on the day. Like today, I'm talking about today, specifically before the show. I was all relaxed. I'm very relaxed. Yeah, we dirty talked. Yeah, who you do more than he does? No, it's like an equal balance, you know?

I live in Brooklyn, I date an artist. They're still in the back. One question, one question. Yeah. See, there's no question. One question. What do you call your private? Like when you say, like, beat up that, whatever it is. Like, what do you call it? Beat it up.

Let me see. Or whatever you say. Beat it up. This is not Jersey Shore. I left for a reason. If you're dirty talking, I wouldn't be like, you know, like, make sweet love to my, whatever you call it. Well, it wouldn't be like, h like make sweet love to my whatever it would

be like punch me square in the pussy and it's pussy that's why I want to know is that we're going to call it like put it in my pussy. It's a judge or nobody some dirty girl say the seawort. Oh no that's more like a fun insult. Yeah, I agree. Look how awake Mike is now and he's talking about fucking 29 year old, the judge. So why does his eyes have ever opened? I got some stuff from the chat.

It feels crumbum. It feels like two dads gasped in the daughter about sex. What happened to Gary Gellman, Gab? Does somebody wants to know? He is coming on next week. Oh, great. There you go. But I am so happy.

Brett was so good. This was a great show tonight, Mike. He was great. Lou said, should Bobby be smoking with COVID? I don't know if I have COVID. I got my test just because I have what Mike doesn't know if I have COVID. I got my test just because I, Mike doesn't mean I have COVID. Johnny said we're too fat to hug each other. Not true.

Crumbum says need more 10 dollars subscribers. You guys can, you guys, you don't have to give whatever you want. It's up to you each month. Five is the minimum. The jag, what is this area? Ask, what does this say? Ask, counter about lasagna eyes. My, my, Pete Davidson lasagna eyes that I have, I call them but whole eyes. What, what, I got to make you big. I'm gonna see your eyes. Yeah, what, what is that called? That's actually, I know a girl back in third grade. Really pretty girl had those little bags under her eyes. It's a good. These are called morning show eyes. They're called getting up at four o'clock in the morning every day. No, but it's actually a thing. He texted you. What he texted?

It's a thank you, but it's a little flirty. Let's hear it. It says, thanks again, it was very nice meeting you on Zoom LOL. That's not a flirt. Yes, it is. If a grown man sends you LOL, and those are two separate text messages, thanks again, it was very nice meeting you send on Zoom LOL send. That's a flirty text. That's a, I would have fuck you. Text.

You're sorry? Okay, record. I'm only, I'm only skiving a Gabby on this show because I've text you before and I'm never LOL due, at least not like that. Not even once. Yeah. Oh, that makes me happy. I've never sent you a picture of my penis, went, oh, sorry, that was a wrong person. Oh, my God. Yeah. If you sent me a picture of my penis went oh, sorry, that was a wrong person. Oh my god. Yeah, if you sent me a picture of your penis I would send it immediately to Bobby and then I'd project it immediately on the show. I would make it T-shirts Immediately would be a corporate T-shirts. I'm gonna. All right. Let's do that tonight. I'll do it tonight

I'll send it tonight. Well, I don't know. I feel like you're asking for it. No tonight. I'll do it tonight. I'll send it tonight. Well, I don't know. I feel like you're asking for it. No, no, that's not how that works. But nice try. I feel like you're like, I'll let you get a lot of right there. We're marketing plan. Yeah, well, it's going to take them 45 minutes to get it ready. No, it's not true. I have the readiness of a 12 year old. Who's going to take the photo? Yeah, the photo help me to take sure. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh, no, no, no, no. Who's gonna take the photo? Who you can't see it? Of course I can. What do you think?

I don't know if I gotta take it, but I will take it from an angle where it'll look great. You can take a picture of Derek, and that's lower. Yeah. Listen, no good angle. No girl, what's a thick? No, no, you're wrong. You know when you see people like go go to Italy and they take picture of the

leading tower and they're like, oh, that's the kind of angle I get. It's going to look fantastic. You put a quarter next to it. So it looks bigger. Yeah. Yeah. This is the, this is the night that they take down fucking the Mike Calda and the Calderon Kelly show and this fucking woke elf takes you out on fucking social media. She's probably begging me to send her a picture of my penis. Everybody heard it. You're right. An article so fast. I have a template already. Ready. I just have to input your name, maybe your world. It was way better than I ever expected. Crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb, crumb said you are, uh, the Jersey 35 is accurate.

Can we please vote, put up a thing as Gabby between one and a 10? What is Gabby? That's a sexist thing to do is to put up a vote of if I'm hot or not. She's 100% right. We should first have you try on different outfits. Levels of hot. You guys are a lot of fun. You guys are a lot of fun. But that perspective, Crumbum will also buy a call to Cocktees. So, yeah, look. Somebody says, Crumbum says, wait, I, I, I, L-O-L to my mom.

Can I explain, can I explain Gabby? You and I in reality, you and I are too old to be attracted to Gabby. I could look at her and I could say she's adorable. She's pretty and like if I had a young friend, I would say, yeah, she's hot. You let your like her. But you and I look at her and we're like, she's a kid. So we can't see her as literally she does. Make me big. The fuck is wrong with you. Listen, she does nothing for me. Her mouth is too big. She gets blotchy and the winter. It's fucking listen.

I'm a nation. Yeah, it's just nothing for me. Nothing. She's the type of girl you meet at a bar. I'm like, oh, this is the one. And you wake up the next day in sunlight. You're like, fuck. Literally, I hope you is the one. And you wake up the next day in sunlight, you're like, fuck. Literally, I hope you kill yourself tonight.

That's a horrible thing to say. I'm kidding, Gabby. I was actually going to compliment you tonight that you look so beautiful tonight. Thank you. And just so you know, people call me tens all over the world. You're not a ten. You're a fucking, I'll give you a seven.

A seven? Yeah, you're a ten in Norway. I'm calling Don and I'm complaining. In Norway, she looks like you're a foreign Norway. You're getting me. Is that way you're a 10 in America? What are you nuts? You're a 10 in 1975. You're a 10. Maybe in that movie, a laser blast. Bobby just called me a. Here you go. See what I'm saying Mike. Show right now. Fucking second. She'll. 100%. Oh, she cares. Yeah. Yeah. There's laser blast. That's Gabby right there. Well, when you compare Gabby to that, she looks gorgeous. Gabby's... I'm getting that text, Dawn, but I thought about it.

And I typed it out and then I totally did it. Good. You can text my wife. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Here it is. 21 year old here. Gabby is eight out of eight, if not a nine. She, yeah, the fuck she has great skin, nice hair, won't age. All right, first of all, here's the problem.

People don't think she's gonna age. I'm telling you right now, she looks good now, but when she hits around fucking 38, she's gonna look like, she's gonna look like Jan Michael Vincent. I swear I got. Ha ha ha. Fuck you.

You have to see my dad, he looks so young and we have the same face. If anything, I'm gonna look like a good looking man when I'm 38. How old is your dad? I'll say it. 57. Yeah, he looks good.

He looks really good. I'm gonna be skinny and hot forever, honey. Now we'll see you're fucking vegan. We'll see. All right. Um, all right, man, this is a fun one tonight, Brett. I had a good time. I like Brett a lot. Really good guy. I like Gabby. Thank you. You didn't like Brett? Oh, no, no, I like Brett a lot. I thought he was great. By the way, when you're talking or in Brett's talking and I'm just looking and paying attention, I don't know. You always think I'm falling asleep, it's just because I'm looking at the person talking.

I get roped into their, their, what they're saying. Oh, well, this is what I see when I look down sometimes. You but I look, look, because they're in the boxes and look at me. Look at me. From this, me looking at you. Hey, oh, I thought you were me from this, me looking at you. Hey, I thought you were dead. This is me looking at you, right? And then Brett was talking and then this is me looking at Brett.

I was in the bottom left. I talked to the guys today. I talked to the guys today about an Adorama about fucking getting, um, getting a some type of package for you. I looked at a camera today for you so that you, because I said, look at Mike, it needs a camera, he needs a fucking hookup for a studio. So they're on it, they're looking into it now.

These are guys who are the shit, so I got it. So anyways, all right, well listen, this has been a great, great fucking show. Oh, last night, by the way, anybody was listening, Mike did send me a picture. Literally, as I was about to eat a salad, my wife made me. Mike sent me a picture. Oh, I thought you were running out of it. I can't talk about this. This is not a thing. Grabby's ears. What? I just asked where the giz was on her face.

That's how it was. It was not there. It didn't make it all the way there. I'm gonna throw up. Are you saying he just dribbles? Oh God He troubles out that sugar. That's far to your face Just get what did he send you a picture of something? Oh, no, no, you missed a hole It I let up to it and I wouldn't do this in front of whole, I let up to it and it's too much for her. I wouldn't do this in front of a girl. I got what is it? A big fucking picture of his doogie, his, his Corona shit horrible. Well, I never, I've never done that

before, but before we started the show, I all of a sudden I felt like I had a go. So the entire show I was suffering. And then Burke Krecher called me during the show and asked me to go on two bears one cave with him in Tom Sagura. And I told Bobby that. And then I wanted to wrap it up at eight o'clock so that I can go finally poop after an hour. And he thought I was ending early so I can go on two bears one cave. And I was more and that, but here's the thing is it looked like it was in the, it was, oh, God, I'm looking at it right now. It's, oh, come on.

How did it wind up on the edge? I mean, it's like, I'm eating healthy. So it just, it looks like it, it looks like my salad that I was about to eat. It was like the same, the same ball. He ruined my salad. And his corona shit that he sent me. He showed you you wife. No, I'm not a fucking savage. Why I forget if you were eating and you were like, oh, look what he just sent me. No, my wife, if I showed that to my wife, she would fucking punch me in the head.

I will don't show her, don't show her my dick pic tonight. I would never show it, but dude, I can just, I bet your dick looks exactly like my dick. Can we take pictures of our dicks and put them up and like Gabby pick it? Which one's mine? Which one's yours? No. No. Why are you afraid of dicks? Look at that. I'm afraid of dicks. I'm afraid of your dicks. Why? Why are you afraid of our dicks? Look at the picture of the aliens. That's what our dicks look like. I look like that like that blue aliens so much. It's like, it's like almost distracting. I told you that. That's what you look like. Oh, I hope one of my listeners puts the wig on. One of the

aliens. I'm telling you that's what she looks like. She's like, but it's like the blue one a lot. The blue one. Yes. Absolutely. You were a laser blast. 10. It just came in for that last part. What happened? All right. Well, listen, yeah, we, we should wrap this up.

Michael, I hope you feel better. I hope this is the most coronary feel. And then I hope that I don't get it. I hope I have the antibodies and already had it. I'm fine. So I hope so too. And Gabby, it was a pleasure having you on tonight. Thank you for getting that great guest.

Thank you for your everything. We think we should let Mike read our script. Yeah, well, when we finish the second draft second draft. Will you we read it Mike? You guys need me to punch anything up maybe It's pretty punched up though. It's pretty good. I'd love to read. Did you let your dad read it yet? No Yeah, you're gonna let your dad read it. I will, but he's not good at reading stuff. What? He wrote a fucking musical.

He's on Broadway. What are you talking about? Do I score it? No, he's just like, like he does musicals. Yeah, he's a genius. I know he's a genius, but it's just different. He needs to like see it. Yeah, we all need to fucking see it. I need to fucking see it. I mean, all right, whatever. You don't want to let

you dad read it. No, I'll send it to him, but I'm gonna, I'm telling you, it's gonna take him one calendar month to read the whole thing. And then he's gonna be like, I'm so proud of you. And I'm like, no, it's nothing. And he's gonna be, he's gonna be like, I laughed. You should put it in the middle. You should put dad, you fucking cock sucker. I know you didn't read this. No, I'm saying he will read it. It will take so long and it'll have zero notes other than I laughed. We need to, we need to, is put that to the test.

Okay. Put that to the test. That would be great. If she comes back in a month and goes, he read it, he said, I'm so proud. I loved. Yeah. Anytime I tell my dad any accomplishment, he goes, of course, he did. I go, that's it.

And he's like, yep. Oh my God. That's it. Nothing. Most do you wish you had that? That's what a father that went. Most do you wish you had that? How do I? A father that went. It wasn't less than a life.

Of course you did. Oh, the one that didn't fall off a roof and die? Yes. So. Is that what happened to your dad? Yeah, he's dead. He was very supportive. He's just not here anymore.

He fell, oh, there's a much support in the roof. What did the entity fall? He made a heart attack and fell off the roof. Oh, I help was he? Huh? How high up? He was only it's only a one story house. I didn't know was your house. I thought maybe was a rougher. Oh, no, he was. He's on the roof. Just fix in the roof. He wasn't supposed to be wanting to do it himself. Was he old? He was like in his late 40s. I was 18 so it was a while. Oh my gosh.

Momma. I wonder why you're the way you are. Terrible. Mush if you were here right now, I'd give you a hug. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I'll let you for hugging him. If you were here, I would ask you to fix some stuff on my roof.

Oh, hi. It's so high. It's Christ. Mike. I wanted him to get over his fears. Am I not afraid of roofs? No, father was. That's why you had a heart attack. It was probably more than a heart attack than the roof. He's, I never knew that Mike. I'm sorry. Where's he buried? Is he buried out in San Antonio? Yeah. And I told you before. Wow. But after this conversation with Brent Ernst, I do not believe you. I'm sorry for not remembering. Bobby doesn't remember anything. He accused me of asking Bill Burr by the sex life. I apologize. You think Bill Burr is a cunt? No, he was continuing to me the other night. Hey, something, if you listen to the podcast, dude, he was, he's, that's just Billy.

Everything I said, he went, ah, Bobby, he said, you know what I mean? Yeah, he acknowledged you. But he would go, nah, that's not it. This is this and that. I mean, that's his bill. He's kind of like, he'd go, yeah, I would say somebody go, hey, hey. Well, that's his vibe. It's a, it's a county vibe. Oh, yeah, I think he's a great comedian It's Kunti Vibe. Oh yeah, I think he's a great comedian. I'm to talk to you. All right, well, we got to get over. We got to move past it.

Shall we? I'm passing. I'm good. Well, thanks for listening, everyone. I hope you loved it. Yeah, this time you guys just stop without turning off your cameras. Unlike last week where you both just left where we ended it. Well, I have a podcast called Unabashed podcast if you want to check that out. And you could follow me on Instagram at Gabby is Brian and on Twitter at Gabby is Brian. I hope you guys love the show. We're back every single night. Calton Kelly, 7 p.m. You look like a plain yogurt. You're a real bitch. We got Andrew own damn show. What? We couldn't hear you, Bobby. Well, you can't hear me. No, because your mic cuts out when somebody else talks.

My mic cuts out when somebody else talks. My mic cuts out when somebody else talks. And then it takes a second for the clear. Why? Why does that happen? I don't know, but it didn't happen last week. Stop having guys come over and fix your mic. Is that it really happening? Yeah. Like now you're crystal clear. But when somebody talks I talk over here now like this, you get why would you talk over me? I was trying to show you. I was trying to give you an example. So if I was talking right now, you cut me off. Oh, no, it just fixed. No, it's like a second, but as you start talking.

So if I'm talking right now and Mike, you start talking while I'm talking right now, talking that it cuts me off. Yeah, it's really, it's like a gate on your mic. That's what that's just because you're a processor. No, yeah. Yeah. It's ruse that I'm afraid I'm not gates. Moch, what do you got? I have this podcast and the comedy seller podcast and that is it. That might be where I got fired from. Hi, he is. Why? They said they weren't making enough money. So anyway, you know,

they have 3000 subscribers. Grand a month they're making over 10 grand a month and they let Mochco. Yeah. What? Kids been waking up at fucking five o'clock in the morning for two months to do their Wepper show five days a week, right? Every morning, every morning he's waking up with the crack of foot sitting there in front of a computer like a morning show, getting paid fucking $10 a show and they dooshed him.

That's shocking. Yeah, well, ever since they switched networks, they haven't been the same. What are you gonna do? You always have a home here as long as you don't fuck up constantly. I actually think him fucking up was what's keeping him here. Why? You tell me. Still here?

Hey, yeah. Good. Chris, he D. Yeah. Is coming to Tampa. Yeah, he's coming, he D. Yeah. Is coming to Tampa. Yeah, he's coming to Tampa. Very funny.

Probably have Montaucho so we can promote that. Let's do that. Let's have them on the Calter and Kelly. Yeah, that's I mean, since I don't really have the opportunity to have them on the radio show. Is he going to be on, when's he coming on? When? I think it's next week.

All right, cool. Let's have them on next week. All right, cool. Let's have him on next week. Right on. Right on popcorn. Mike, you always have a home here. Gabby, you are definitely, I mean, everybody's saying you're a fucking, oh my god. Yarika says Gabby is hot. She's beautiful. Huge smile. Everybody loves fucking Gabby. Like a vanilla cone. Yeah. She really is. Soft serve. Yes.

They make $27,000 a month. Who? The, uh, I mean, is? Yeah, they make $27,000 a month. Mike, what were you charging? Fucking five grand a week? Why'd they fight? What the fuck? What's Vanette again? What's that? What's Vanette again? She's got to be getting five grand a month, right? Or a couple grand a month? I wouldn't be surprised. Oh, I just tweeted. Um, all right, I got to go, I got to go play a fucking game. I got my dick pick. Get ready to go to Gabby.

No, that Gabby is Brian dick pick coming. Okay. Well, tag me. Um, I'm gonna go have sex more sex. So with who? With my boyfriend. You said he left. I'm sleeping at his house. You're going to sleep in a taxi. Does he have rubber gloves like latex gloves? Do you guys? No, what? Is wrong? Does he do lettering? Yeah, he does everything. He's very successful. Okay, whatever. Can you do my, I want to get Maximus on me. Can you do that? He can do that. Will you ask him tonight in the middle of fucking? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

Can you, can you plug his place where he works? You know, yeah, he works at Smith Street tattoo parlor in Carroll Gardens in Brooklyn. Very famous shop, amazing shop. What streets it on? Oh, my God. Oh, hi, never ends. What's treated on? Oh my God. Hi, never ends. Comedy never ends on Kather and Kali.

Nidah is the coronavirus. Next week we find out if Bobby Kelly has Corona, if Mike Kalt that has taken out his number one best friend. And also we have Gary Gellman next week tomorrow night. I believe it's just me and Mike. We're gonna fucking... See you later. I'm just getting ready to go.

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