Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Jeff Dye | Jeff Has Grown Up

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

This week Bobby is joined by Jeff Dye, they talk about how crazy Madonna's milk bath video is, Jeff's time working at NBC, and how his comedy has changed since leaving Network TV. FOLLOW JEFF DYE https://jeffdye.com/ https://www.instagram.com/jeffdye/ Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I had a woman almost buy me a Lamborghini SUV for Christmas because I was jokingly talking about it. Who? I don't want to say her name. She wouldn't become famous. Yeah. Millionaire? But she's so yeah and she's so cool. Do I know her? Yeah, you'd know her.

And she's awesome and nice, but in my mind I was I even said to my friends was like That's do you know how in debt like that's really the next step someone buys you an SUV Lambo like that's insane take it No, I like that you take it and then do a Burt video. I had a good year. Oh, yeah. Look at what I got Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now We're back. You know what dude live welcome everybody to the show Started the social media YKWD's back again. Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. YKWD's podcast is so fun and crazy, and has no rules.

God, help you're ruining this. RIP the Barbed Anim. I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast. This isn't NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. Sorry. It's Comedy Podcast. This isn't NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original.

Original. What's up everybody? It's Robert Kelly back here. Again, YKWD Comedy Cellar Studios above the world, famous Comedy Cellar. We've been here for a long time. We're getting a new studio, a lot of crazy changes is happening.

We shoot the regs here, and I'm back again. I'm excited to be back, but before we do anything, make sure if you're watching this on YouTube, smash, is that what they say? Smash, smash the subscribe button? Is that, is that right guys? Yeah, the subscribe button. Smash it? Smash it, yeah. And what do I do to the like button? What do I do to that? Flick it? Yeah, click the like. Crush the, smash the subscribe button. Crush the like button. And then what are they else,

and then in the comments, do some stuff. Yeah, lick the comments. Yeah, lick the comments. Suck it. I want you to smash it, lick it, and I can't swear. The first 10 minutes, right? You'll lose this. I'm kidding. Do that. And if you really want to support the show and make sure these guys get a little money

to do this, go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. Become a supporter of the YKWD. Become a dude over there. I think it's five bucks, 10 bucks, whatever the fuck. You got got the money stop it. This is America. This is America. We make money 10 bucks to you. That's a common Machiato, right? And sugar's free bitch. So there we go. I got a great guest on. I've known this guy for a while. for a while, I met him on the other side of the industry. Not in really, I mean, we met on the comedy, but we got to hang out a little bit on the acting side, the Hollywood side.

Jeff Dye. Thanks for having me, brother. Thank you for having me. First of all, you have changed, dude. Yeah, growing up changes. No, physically. Oh, physically? Yeah, you've become a man.

Yeah. When I'm this, dude, when you walked in, I was like, oh, you've gotten bigger. Yeah. When I met you, you were a thin, good-looking acting boy. Super thin, yeah. And a lot of people are saying this to me. Like Joe Rogan used to do it, didn't used to do it with me.

And now he's like, you've become like, I think mushrooms, the state of the world. And then also just age. I've just grown up. You got bigger though. Yeah, I did. Physically, yeah. Yeah, like when I met you, you were a boy toy.

Yeah, sincerely. Yeah, Madonna would have fucking loved you. She'd hate you now. I hate Madonna. I hate Madonna. She sucks dude. I hate her. Listen, I don't really hate anybody. She'd hate you now. I hate Madonna. I hate McAff... She sucks dude. I hate her. Yeah.

Listen, I don't really hate anybody. Yeah. But I hate her. In a celebrity way we hate her. In that, I don't, you know what? I'm on to you. Yeah. I'm on to you.

Dead can both. Dead. You're like a evangelist, dead can preacher. Yeah. Did you see her during the lockdown? No, I don't, I don't. Dude, to watch someone who's been so out of touch with the world,

try to pretend like she's a real person was the grossest thing. She was in like a milk bath in her mansion when we're all locked inside and she's going, COVID is the great equalizer. It shows that we're all the same. I'm like, we're not the same. Most people. Is this it?

Let me see this. Yeah. Oh, play this. I want to hear sound. It's her trying to to be profound wait a minute. It's so foolish face It's hilarious to me that she's in a 26 million dollar. Yeah, and she goes. We're all the same COVID doesn't discriminate You know much that all locked that faucet costs 300 bucks. Yeah, I Wanted to buy one of those I wanted one of those tubs in in my house and I couldn't afford it. Do you got the sound? Yeah.

Play it. That's the thing about COVID-19. It doesn't care about. All right, stop. Stop. I'm going to stop. It looks so cringey. Listen, stop.

Who is she? Who? Is she talking? OK, first of all, number one. What minion did you get to fill? Oh, yeah. What? During lockdown.

Someone's in her house filming her. If I ever asked one of these guys to fill me in the milk tub and they said yes I'd kick them in the teeth. I will pay how much do I have to I got some bread now How much do I have to give you to recreate this video meet 500 bucks? I'll do it Are you gonna be fully naked in the tub? No, you recreate Why you in the tub? I have the same tits You know, you recreate it. I want you in the tub. I have the same tits.

Dude, this is the problem with these people is they have these people around them that, like, okay, that's why I love my comic friends. If I was on the road with, like, Louis or Big J or Dan or Joe and I was like dude. I Really need you to I want to I have them I want to say something and I got into a milk tub with flowers and there's background music and they added that after that's my Point that'd be funny if they didn't add it. She actually hired a piano guy cut hang on. All right. Let's go play it again I can't I hate this. I hate everybody actually, you know what? I shouldn't do this Jeff you're such a I have such a commitment to truth I mean that's the gayest thing I've ever heard but go ahead really that I'm so truthful that I'm gonna get myself in trouble at all

That's cool. That's my point you said I have a you went I'm gonna tell you what you said and you're gonna cringe Okay, I have such a commitment to truth you sound like Madonna in a milk cup I have such a it's really I've done have such a commitment to truth. You sound like Madonna in a milk tub. Such a commitment. I have such a... It's really... I have dying. I have such a commitment to truth. The hardest burden.

What I'm about to say is going to hurt me as much as it hurts you. I have to misrepresent. I'm just helping you. This is why... You're right. This is why... She should have comics around her. Then let's see if you stick to your guns on this.

Yeah. Andrew Schultz did a milk bath kind of thing with his dad at Madison Square Garden. Homo! And they added background music. You're lying. You're lying. They added background music where he's like, you told me that I could sell Madison Square Garden. And even his own dad's looking at him like, what? I don't remember that at all. And then Andrew Schultz is like, and because you believed that I could do it, I believed I could do it. Do you think Andrew Schultz will walk by Madison Square Garden as a little boy and goes,

what do you know he's gonna be a standup comedian at eight years old? I'm gonna say this right now. I'm gonna say this right now. I love Andrew. Me too. Hang on. No, no, no, hang on.

It's fine. I love him. Yeah. Do you have kids? The added background. Do you have kids? No, I don't. All right, listen, bro.

I've been where you're at. I've been where you're at. OK. But because I have a son, if my son was like and said something like that to me, I got to see it first. I didn't see it. Let me tell you something. It is beautiful.

And I'm a big dad guy. Yeah. And I can tear it up and move his stuff. I don't need to film Let me tell you something. It is beautiful and I'm a big dad guy. I'm a good, sure. And I can tear it up and move it and stuff. I don't need to film that and put it on YouTube for my Patreon subscribers. Let me see it. I don't need to add music. Let me see it, let me see it.

I gotta see it. If it's a milk bath. If I ever film something like this, I hope you call me and say, Jeff, you're being a good on the internet. How about you do that for me? Please. Hang on, let me see it. Hang on. Hang on.

Let me see it. I don't. I mean, I don't. I know this is kind of. I like the whole third Reich look he's going with. It's pretty. I mean, he's walking with. I mean, he literally looks like he's an SS commander.

I think someone's got to tell this guy, hey, not everything should be up. I mean, dude, his father's holding. I mean, dude. Just's holding- I mean dude- Just watch, no watch the video. Okay, I am- Let's get your real take. My dream was to one day headline Massive Square Garden and I would tell people that-

Watch his dancing expression. And they would all usually roll their eyes or they would like, they kind of laugh at the notion of it. I told you that that was my dream. Boy. And I said one day I won a headline Massive Square Garden and I told you that that was my dream. I said one day I went to Headline Mass in the Square Garden and I remember you saw what you were doing and you looked me in the eyes and you said,

I'll see you. I don't remember this. And it was like really important because. Does he? No. But look at it. I felt like I wasn't the only person that believed that could happen.

Wow. And I know as you get older, sometimes know, sometimes things will come hard or remember, but I remember everything. I remember all the time you put into me and all the effort that you made and how much you always believed in me and supported me and just made all the difference. Absolutely. Yeah. So the reason I brought you here is, yeah, I want to say thank you for being the most amazing dad ever and the other reason I want to bring your ears because I want to let you know that

When my tour comes to New York I'm gonna be headlining Madison Square Garden All right, hang on so I'll see you there All right, here's the deal. Yeah. If I did that to my dad, if I knew my dad. Yeah. If we still talk.

Do you want to see where I'm coming from? Yeah, yeah. Like, to see this and I have a son. Yeah. And I never had really a dad. Yeah. My stepdad, who was, he died a few years ago, who was kind of, yeah. And then my real dad, he doesn't talk to me when he was not gonna do with me so when I see

this shit I'm like I'm kind of nice but the fact that his dad went it's like I would be like that's it motherfucker I'm in tears give me something I got a sound bed going dad also and I know that he's gonna not like this of course but my point is it's just like Some things don't need to be on the internet. All right, you're like only fans cringy Yeah, no listen like this isn't between me and him and his dad. I He's dad. I agree with you. I have me and my son do shit on the internet Honorable I like some people don't have their kids at all on the internet. I'm cool with that

Yeah, my kid likes doing silly shit on the internet. I'm cool with that. My kid likes doing silly shit with me and I'm fine with that. He loves coming to shows with me. He goes on stage with me. He loves it. And I remember being a kid and I had family members who were in music and they would bring me up on stage. I remember going to weddings and dancing and being the star and how insane, insanely valuable those moments were to me that I still have them. So to give them to my kid... Can I see them on Patreon? Huh?

How can I watch those vulnerable moments between you and your kids on Patreon? Is there any way I could subscribe to see the most vulnerable moments between you and your children? I'd like to get teary-ed to your family's most vulnerable moments. You have a you have a point there. I don't like moments like that. You know, the couples that like put like they're like these like and the first time I ever saw a crystal.

I'm like, that's between you and crystal, dumb fuck. I don't need to see it. Would you let me watch your fuck, too? Because that's supposed to be between you two. I dumb fuck. I don't need to see it. Would you let me watch your fuck too? Cause that's supposed to be between you two. I hear, are you on testosterone? No. Cause you've gotten very manly in the last couple years. I know you, you're an NBC little boy.

Yeah, you were like, hey man. Yeah, even I hate that Jeff. I like that Jeff, but I like this new one better. New ones, alpha. No, I hear you dude, but here's the thing. I have a kid, I do like, I'm kind of in the, I would never put a, like my wife, it's like, I would never put a vulnerable moment of my son

to get people, but I understood this dude, can we stop for one second? I'm not trying to hate on any of these guys. Hang on one second. But come on. This is a, what he does now, okay? What he's doing, and I think, and I'm just gonna tell me if this makes sense to you. We don't get TV the way it used to get TV.

You didn't get to tell your story. You don't get to go to Montreal, excel a show, put it on TV, Ray Romano, blah, blah, blah, and tell your story anymore. They won't let us do it, okay? So what you do now is you do it on the internet on social media. You're telling your story in little bursts now. Yeah. Okay. And I think

what what what Schiltz is doing, yeah, he his that he you're watching his sitcom, his reality show is is there. And he owns it. And it all his. He's not giving his reality show to NBC or Netflix where you can watch my life or see my sitcom. This is my life and I'm telling you a story right now and it's not like he's doing fucking riddles in Chicago. If I did this on NBC at least I could blame NBC. This was his idea. I thought I was gonna get to it. But you really are, you really are a stickler for your truth.

I will be like, I'll be like, oh, this made me do it. You know, NBC is, I brought my dad all the way down. I had to lie to his face. I had to pretend that something happened when we were eight. So you don't think that happened? I don't believe any eight year old has the, has the cognitive ability to go

I will someday sell that out those are man goals those aren't Those are when I'm eight or when I'm 12 or 50 even when I was 15 It's fucking just trying to finger chicks again. I wasn't going someday daddy. I'll sell out Madison Square I just don't believe it to be okay. It's a perfect story that he gets to tell in a nice little narrative. Okay, so maybe you have a point. I'm going to give you this point. I don't think at eight he was like, I'm going to sell that place out. Because you don't know how, as a basketball player, as the Harlem Globetrotters, a wrestler. What are you going to do? Like a singer. When I'm a firefighter, I'm going to sell out Madison Square Garden. It's like, I don't understand. He knew he had the fortitude to know that he'd be this successful right and I love him

I like I like but I like when we do what we do right, you know like I I'm not I should usually say the shit to people I revere before the podcast so it's not always I'm a big fan of yours. I've been a big fan ears for a long time. I loved Patrice. Yeah, I loved calling I loved that that circle of guys. I don't know. He loved Patrice. I loved Colin. I loved that circle of guys. I don't know what you guys called yourself. He's dead. That's his hat right over there. Give me a minute, what?

Yeah, if you want to put it on. Wait, is that true? He comes through the hat. You can put it on and you'll actually start talking like him. He said it to me like I didn't know. I know, I'm kidding. I say every time somebody says I love Patrice ago, he's dead. He's gone.

He's gone. Legs go. Yeah, legs, yeah. He was mediocre at best. He was holding on dead. He's gone. He's gone. Let go. Yeah, he was mediocre at best. What are you holding on to? He was a loud black guy with a fucking opinion. No, I'm kidding. The first of his kind. So no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

No, no, I was just saying, I feel like you guys had this kind of grit that's coming back around. Like there is this new kind of thing happening where guys can be guys again in our industry. It's not just like, they're not just putting a bunch of fat bearded guys on Comedy Central, wearing flannels, talking about horses and shit. Like, there's like a movement happening where,

not a movement, that's a way of way to put it, but at least it's okay again to talk the way DePaulo did or the way Keith Robinson, like you guys. Well, they don't, well, I think this is the world though, bro. I think they do not want masculine men anymore. They do, what that purse, that guy is, that kind of was America. We were talking about this on another show.

Even if you look at other army stuff, it's like it's all men and then ours is a woman with two moms and it's a cartoon. It's like they want masculine men gone. But I don't know who they are because I know that women, real women, they want men. They want a guy that if something goes bumping the night, this mother, I'll be right. Get what? Get Max. I'll be right back. Choo-choo. You know what I mean? 100%. Something goes wrong in the night. I'm up. Yeah, take care of this mother. They I'll be right. Get what? Get max. I'll be right back.

Choo Choo. You know what I mean? 100% something goes wrong in the night. I'm up. Yeah. She goes Bobby. I'm up. Yeah, she doesn't go I've got it. I'm an equal. Yeah, fuck off. Look at my wife will fight me physically. She's from Boston. She has no problem. That's the thing. I think women think that we think they're weak or whatever we we don't. I love a strong woman. Yeah. But you know what I mean? I think women love strong men, whoever they are, hate masculinity. Yeah. And they want it out. And if you look on every commercial, you'll never see a guy like you. Yeah. It's always there's if there's a white dude, he's a nerd eating yogurt. He looks like the guy that just made me this coffee, you know, yeah, he's got a neck tattoo and a stupid mustache and he's a nerd eating yogurt. He looks like the guy that just made me this coffee You know yeah, he's got a neck tattoo and a stupid mustache and he's never had meat and here's the thing I don't I don't have a problem with that weird. I like me. I love weird dude

Yeah, I love little nerdy guys got a fuck somebody that guy's for him You know yeah, I all those when I was in high school dude. I remember I hung out with the jocks Mm-hmm. I hung out with the punks. Mm-hmm. I go with the Italians. I know and I hung out with the jocks. I hung out with the punks. I hung out with the Italians. I hung out with the nerds. I hung out with the project people. I hung out with everybody. I liked every kind of weird little fucking subculture in a high school. But everybody else kind of hung with their people. I'm not into that shit. But the fact that they're trying to kill masculinity and they want for some reason men men dead is is ridiculous it's silly and it's also not it's not it's working to their disadvantage because women like that guy that made my coffee that's their favorite type of guy not my wife until they need to date someone yeah and then they're like hey don't be a bitch like i want you to be so

like all like there's a lot of women that I know in LA that they literally But they wait till I'm we're in secret to be like I love that you have a ton of guns at your house And I love that like you talk shit to that guy because you know you made that guy apologize to me because what happened earlier Like there's these moments where you got to step up and be a man and they love that but they and when I say they I mean like Who they LA narrative, you know, the what their circle of friends kind of expects to be like when I worked at NBC, I wasn't allowed to talk about my political stuff or well, this is the funny thing because I met you. We were at the

up front. When there was no was a Comic Con. We're a Comic Con. I was there for FX sex, drugs and rock and roll. It was really big. The show was second season, going into the second season, and they were really pushing us. And I remember I met you. You were doing interviews for NBC. You had your own show on NBC. So you were corporate as it came. And you were not only corporate, you were network.

That NBC corporate is the highest level of corporate. And I met you dude, here you are, this good looking fucking tall, thin, tall glass of water microphone. Hey, what's up? And you were just the sweetest guy. I saw you recently in the last couple years, and I saw you did something,

and I remember I liked it on Twitter, and I was like, oh, this guy, he flipped a switch. Something happened. Yeah, well NBC is, they give you a lot of money, and thank you, I love the money. I'll never be one of those guys that's like, no, I love money, money's great. But I was bought, you know?

They say, okay, you're not gonna say this, you're not gonna say this, and you will say this. And if I was there now, which I'm not, they would be saying, hey, you need to shut up about not being vaccinated. Even aside from the political things, I know that's a political example. They expect you to conduct yourself in a way. And I'm thinking, well, this is why we don't work in offices as comedians. We're supposed to be like cowboys for like a lack of a better term.

We're supposed to be like the guys I like weren't the guys I was or was on stage. You know like the ones that say the things that like you know it's gonna be funny but it's also gonna be just true. That's what we should be trying to be. Not just trying to pay rent and work at a place where they're gonna make you be a, I don't know, something broke in the last few years as far as like- Yeah, but I think in the good way, man, because you, I used to watch your stuff and it was, you know, yeah, hey, hey, what's going on?

You like cats? Whatever the fuck it was, right? Not a cat, Joe. But you, and then all of a sudden I saw you just talking shit, and I was like, oh, this, something happened. Yeah, well, mushrooms helped. I was like, oh, this something happened. Yeah. Well, mushrooms helped. And then also the world's changed, you know, like I haven't changed any of my views. I joke about this, like I'm a 2001 liberal.

Yeah. Right. Which is just a Republican now. It's bad. It's crazy. And then I think in LA, it means I'm a Nazi. I think that like those that's the three. I've changed no views. But all of a sudden I'm in this outlaw that needs to be censored because I don't think men can have their periods Like that like that's insane like that's how much it's shifted. It's weird. Yeah, it's weird that I know trans people that are Literally like it's gone too far. Yeah, but I can't say anything because they'll attack me one of my best

We're that's the day that that's whoever that is. But look around of like, Hey, I agree with you. Like, but you have to look around to tell me you agree with me? It's not that many people. They, I think we think they is millions of people. It isn't. I'm pretty sure it's maybe thousands.

You're nailing it. And we shouldn't be afraid of them. Yeah. Because, what, you know, what are you gonna do? Here, it's like, our job as comedians, right, is to say fucked up shit. Yes. Like, I remember I saw Rogan in,

and wherever, I think it was in Austin or something, and he did a joke, it fucking was so perfect, about the word, about the word, did. And he goes, I've never, I've never, ever used did towards a the word, did. And he goes, I've never, I've never ever used it. Did. Towards a gay guy, ever. Ever.

I only use it when it's my friend's birthday when I text them. Yeah. That's true. But he didn't say. That's great. He didn't say the text. Right, the context, yeah.

Which is brilliant. It's really good. It's like, I was buckled over. Yeah. Because it's true. No guy I know is, is against gay mean to yeah never again. We gay guys Nobody cares right. It's just one of the boys now One of my best friends a shout out to Eric Rocha brilliant comedian a very very like funny guy in his perspective on being gay

Might be the funniest shit. I've ever heard he opens for Joey Diaz funny guy and his perspective on being gay might be the funniest shit I've ever heard. He opens for Joey Diaz and Eric's like a real one. Just like one of the real, he goes, hey would you do this like gay club? We're doing a comedy night, would you do this gay? I'll say I don't give a shit, yeah I'll do it. And then, but he made me go last and I'm going, I mean there's all these gay comics in front of me that are crushing. I'm going to say some outlandish shit, maybe don't put me last, you know, because that's

what it's going to end on. But anyways I't put me last, you know, because that's what it's gonna end on Yeah, but anyways, I was like screw it. Let's just do it and I go down the alphabet where I'm just like L Gbtq to plus right like I'm going through though and I'm saying maybe we don't need all these letters And I start eliminating letters basically saying it's all just gay. Yeah, you know if you don't count these trans people You're all just gay. Yeah, like queer. Have you ever asked a gay person to describe the difference between gay and queer? What is it? They can't. It's like they're trying to sell you a bitcoin or something.

Like, oh, there's a block. You're gay. You're just being gay. So I'm eliminating letters. I'm going lesbian. That's just females who are gay. Just be gay. You don't need your own stupid letter.

Yeah. It's L's out. You know, L's out. You're just gay. You're a gay chick. Yeah. So I'm going down the thing. And Eric's nervous because it's his show and it's also where, you know, he frequents to fuck dudes and so he's nervous. You're gonna gay chick. Yeah. I'm so I'm going down the thing and and Eric's nervous because it's his show and it's also where you know

He frequents to fuck dudes and so he's nervous. You're fucked up. Is you yeah, yeah, was he his dick count? I fuck Gary He's not gonna ask pussy that No, but he asked pussy so anyways He's you know, he's watching with a little more stakes because he's nervous Uh-huh, and he's like it was a most amazing thing to watch everyone look around like, yeah, he's right. Like this shit has gone too far. Like this whole weird thing that we're like subscribing to so because because things are just latching on to the gay community and being like kind of like,

here's what's funny to me. They wanted to just be part of the community. Yeah, they wanna be regular. But now it's like you want to be, you wanna put regular people where you were. Right. I feel. It's like, okay, all the, hey, we're all together, can we just all be together? And people are finally going,

yeah, why are we, what are we doing? What the fuck were these idiots doing? Yeah, let's. Or imagine fighting for your rights. But now it's like, okay, you were all together together but I'm gonna get a little more than you and you need to shut the fuck up yeah it's like wait a minute that's not all together you're just you put me where the other assholes put you I'm not one of those assholes I'm with you can't we I thought we were just gonna be in this together

that's how white guys felt during black lives matter it was everyone going let's unite fuck white people you know what I thought we were uniting all right it's a wood I would have marched with you yeah I would have been with you but I was terrified yeah you're too busy I was terrified historically yeah shit like that's the mother right bunch of history you didn't go through a bunch of history I didn't do but what what what he was literally saying like afterwards listening to the conversations of guys just like yeah yeah we fought so hard to like just be

considered citizens and part of the crew and now they're latching on and it's kind of misrepresenting what the gay community is and he was watching this kind of happening he was like I was amazing and I was like well I took a risk and it happened to work out that night right well I look the comics you know the great part is that I called some guy if his wife a fucking asshole last night. And they laughed. That's yeah, she she did something I was a year fucking asshole. Why such an asshole? His wife and they were cracking up. That's great. That's what we do. Like,

we get to say what we want to say as long as we make you laugh when we do it. Why not try it? Like people say to me, are you nervous about all the stuff you can't say anymore? I'm like, no, that's for actors. Oh, that's great response. That's an actor thing. Yeah. Comics, we don't care about that

because I have people that like my comedy and I'll always be able to make a living. I might not be a gazillionaire. Right. I might not be famous. Right. Where you think I'm worthy, but I make a lot of money

My fans support me so much and I get to do whatever the fuck I want also why can regular people Be allowed to miss and we aren't we're just taking swings You know, it's like what like why when I miss is it such a problem? Well Kramer swung and really missed I actually thought it was his best work I mean he was he was really there was really took the truth up there. He swung and missed and then kept swinging. He kept swinging. He's like, dude, you're out.

You're out. Get off the fucking side. He's a bug's bunny. He's just trying to. It's like, dude, you're done. Game over, dude. Yeah. I mean, it's funny.

I think that, you know, with all this stuff, they keep saying it's gonna come back. It's gonna come back. I don't think in the industry. It's gonna swing back this way I but I think what what what you're doing is you're actually making a mistake Because we're actually we're realizing. Oh, I won't watch your show. I just I won't watch it Right, so you can have you can fake this is a hit show and you can give that thing an award But we're gonna watch Yellowstone TV TV. But we're going to watch Yellowstone TV.

TV's dead. We're going to watch Yellowstone because we like it. Yeah, that's my show. Yep. We're going to we make. Shane Gillis is doing SNL because you guys canceled him, but we didn't. Exactly. That's the best way to put it.

The sentence you just said is the perfect sense. Yeah, you win. We work. We don't care. Yeah. And we decide. Yeah, you win. We work. We don't care. Yeah. And we decide. Yeah, we don't. Yeah, we don't. We do it.

You did it. And we were like, oh my god, Louis did. Oh, he didn't do anything. Read the article. I had a girl one night. Louis might have been the dumbest canceling. Oh, dude. That was an inside job.

Can we get like, is there any kind of like retroactive like, like with Louis, if you look at it, what what what do they matter that he asked for consent? You Louis would have to care. And he doesn't. I'm glad he doesn't because Louis would have to want to load in guns if someone did that to me. I would like I would be so in that guy.

Louis, thank you for your service Literally stand up in doing that Thank You Louie Community doing what you did dying on that hill for us seriously. He really did because it's it was so unfair I remember like watching at the time going, I'm not going to say anything. That I'm not gonna like publicly tweet. Yeah, that that like, you know, that like he, you know, asking a woman to jerk off in front of him. And then she says okay. And then

later having to go, maybe I'm so powerful that that consent wasn't real consent. It's like shut up. It's not other things work. It well, it's in Hollywood it does. Which is why Hollywood's terrible. Yeah, I mean, these just kill girls who did that. Yeah, I don't know if we should go back to those times. But you know, that guy beat me. Kill that bitch. Anyways, get, who said that? Get the nearer on the phone. I mean, I want to talk to Bobby Kennedy. Kill that whore. Throw her in the backyard. He's mouthy. I mean, back in the day,

I mean, guys did a lot of shit. But here's the thing with all that, like if I had a girl, some girl, and like I said, I don't care, I like everybody. She was a, you know, left far left. Okay.

Almost the Antifa looking girl. And I was in a cigar lounge and she was with two gay guys and she was there. And it was she was there and it was in Madison. I love that club. Love it. Love those people. Greatest, one of the greatest clubs in the world.

But I'm sitting there smoking a cigar and she's like talking about Louis and Trent. And he did this and he did that and I pulled up the article and I go let's read it. Let's read it because you just said a bunch of shit and I don't think you read it. Yes, let's read it because you just said a bunch of shit. And I don't think you're I don't think you read it. I think you heard somebody you are repeating what somebody told you to repeat. And we went through it and I go, it's not not in here once. Did he block anybody? Not I go, there was one point where the she said we have the girl was the girl was screaming. I go No, it says laughing. The girl was screaming. I go, no, it's his laughing. She was laughing. And how are you scared and laughing hysterically?

I go, if anything, they fat shamed him. They saw his little weird dick and then went downstairs and told everybody and laughed about it. They made fun of him. I go, if me and Joe List saw you naked and then went into a convention and told everybody how you look your weird pussy. Yeah. And your tits are uneven body shaming. Yeah, we would be fucking canceled. I go, it's I go,

this is what he did was maybe inappropriate. Yeah, maybe because of work. Right. But this is I don't know what you're talking this is show business. Yeah, this is not we got into this business because it's we're comedians because I go I want you to go fucking take David Bowie Mick Jagger every lead singer of every rock band rapper every rapper they all go to jail yeah no but you're gonna give them fucking awards every year yep you're gonna get you don't think you don't think Bruce Springsteen did some weird shit David Bowie your hero David Bowie who gave

Quayludes to 15 year old girls and had some, publicly, it's in his book. If you, yeah. We're not going back and judging that. No, no. So you're going to judge, they were really, really, they picked people. For sure. Who they didn't like. Yeah. It was, it was like, okay, now look at Harvey Weinstein piece of garbage.

Yeah. Gone. And that's another thing I do want to be clear about is like, we aren't, okay, now look at Harvey Weinstein piece of garbage. Gone. And that's another thing I do want to be clear about is like, we aren't, actually I shouldn't speak for you. I'm assuming you are and I'm definitely, there are men who deserve to be in trouble for the way they behave, 100%. But we should use some discretion and actually look at what was accused and then do it. Like Louie, when you look at all the things you go, all right, this is nothing. Why did you have to do that? I tell him I met my wife.

I tell him I met my wife. What? I pulled my dick out on a rock. There you go. First date, I didn't ask. You married. And then she was like, no. And I was like, come on, she went, okay.

That whore, she was a whore. Took his swing. For five minutes, all right, three minutes. She has a house and a kid, we have a life. Yeah, you love her, yeah. Who knows how, look, sex is a weird, uncomfortable thing. How do you get to the point where I'm gonna put my penis in your vagina?

It's a road you don't know how to get to. And some people make mistakes, or some people get into things. And yes, maybe he was powerful. Yes, he was Louie. And okay, so if he was just the guy you met on a bus, would you even have talked to him? Sure. No, no, no, so you're you open for him, you love being around him, you're bragging to everyone, I'm with Lou next week. Like, I don't know. It was it's a it's a it's a not as cut and dry as you say it is. And I agree with you, but well, I hate to piss off Andy kindler. But see, that's another guy. I see.

K. Unjustly was canceled and it's bullshit. And Louis CK. I put Louis and Dave on the same plane. I think Dave Chappelle and Louis are the number, they kind of share that number one spot, but they're the best comedian working. People don't even bring up Louis' name,

it's a fucking tragedy to me. Well, yeah, he's the best. I think he's, I think he's the best. Go back and look at his SNL monologue, where he talks about how the Middle East is like the one thing that's never changed and the conflict between it is like when his two kids fight Yeah, it's the best take and holds up currently. Yeah on what's going on in the Middle East

He's it's so brilliant think of all the shows he had on the air He had his show. He had the other show with the girl that he produced he had The show with Zach. Oh, yeah, I mean these are all things that. He's amazing. Yeah, I mean he's he's. My only criticism of him ever was that like he'd make a special a year, like one year. Yeah. And I always thought that was like for him for how comedically genius he is, I thought that was a strange measurement of time. Because I bet like he could make a special, you know, sometimes a special takes two years or takes a year and a half or or sometimes maybe you go through something you could knock one out in four months, you know, like you went through

something and that's that's ready to go. I always thought it was weird that he put this like one year finite measurement because that's the way he could. That's the way he worked. It's like dude, it bugged me because like dude, now you set a precedent. Now everyone's doing it. Yeah, now everybody's doing it. It's like fuck and they stink.

You were great. This guy's got a fight. I just now Eliza thinks she needs to do a special every year. You don't You don't care me. I love you. You don't care. I'm trying to be like you. I love it You're actually better than us. We all fucking got married and we're all pussies now No, you guys are the best. I do remember one of the first the first time I met you We were in I don't remember where we were at I'm sitting at the table just hanging on every word you guys say yeah, and uh and You had a someone after the show gave you like it was like the sponsored show of some sort So they gave you a free like pocket pussy. Yep, and and you're at the table

You're making everyone laugh you're're holding the cord, like you've got to rapport with these guys and everybody's just chiming in and doing the thing. And then you were saying like, you were basically asking them while criticizing the pocket pussy, like what am I supposed to do with this thing? Like, you know, this is ridiculous, but also like, do I keep it? Like, what am I supposed to fucking come in this thing? Like you were asking all the, you know, you were having a thing with the, and I go, don't come in it, you don't wanna get it pregnant.

And I thought that was very funny, you know? And everyone, including you, looked at me like, what the fuck, what are you trying to do, joke here? And I was like, yeah, that's kind of the job. I thought that's what this table was, you guys just did a thousand jokes. And I looked like such a fucking jackass, and I just sat there quietly the rest of the time.

And then I spent like a year being like, I think Bobby Kelly hates me, dude. I made a stupid joke, I thought I could get in. Dude, you know how many times I've done stuff down there and they just turn to me and go, ugh. Oh dude, that's it. That's the table. That's the table.

When you chime in, especially if you're a new dude. Yeah, no one knew me. Dude, I've seen dudes cry. Really? I think I saw Eddie if tear up. That checks out. And left to left. He didn't come back since.

I was so mad at Eddie for a little while. Why? Because Eddie's, I like Eddie, but he's not out there living. He's not out there, that's not true. He's living, he's got a great life and a beautiful family and I really like him. But he's not out like being wild guy.

He's not going on this chicken, this crazy night happy. He's not making these kind of road stories that are glorified on these podcasts or situations like this. Getting arrested sucks but it makes a great story. And so Eddie, he doesn't do a lot of this, he's just a good guy. So he goes on Rogan and tells some terrible version of me and my buddy Brant robbing a sports bar.

And so then Rogan's like, these guys sound like douchebags. So then I wake up to 200 text messages saying like, oh, you know, Rogan and Eddie IFTH were calling you a douchebag on the podcast. And I was going, the fuck is Eddie Yift telling my story for? I robbed a sports bar. Did you? I get the fucking credit for it. Did you?

Yeah, you don't get to go on there and half-assed tell my story. Also, when I tell the story, it's punched up, it's ready to go. Like, you know, like it's- It's your life. Yeah, it's my life. But he was involved with the story.

Eddie Yift wasn't. He wasn't even Eddie ift wasn't he wasn't even in it Oh, he wasn't even in the same stage. He just talked about you hear about these comedians that like and then he Was going with the fuck dude, but I was mad at him for a little while for that like I was like come on Just don't tell your own stories. I was mad at him a little while too for something. Yeah. Yeah I don't know. I've never told the story. Yeah, but I'll tell you if you want to hear it Yeah, we'll get him back a little bit. I've never told the story. Yeah. But I'll tell you if you want to hear it. We'll get him back a little bit. Look, I love Eddie. I love Eddie too. And I think that what he was when I first met him, I think we're all kind of

desperate for fame. Yeah. And desperate, you know, we're all in the city, New York City back in the late 90s, early 2000s. We're all just trying to make it so I get it. Yeah. And now I've seen him recently, he's happy, he's got family, surfing, he's in Australia, he's like a king out there, all that shit. But when I, we're all kind of this, we were downstairs, this is back in the day,

before I was with my wife, I got a time stamp, these fucking things. Oh you have to say. In case that brought listens. But it was way before my wife. And dude, we hooked up with these girls and I think NYU students. Nice.

One of the- Smart girls. White girl dreadlocks, smoking hot. All right, I take it back. Well, I hear you, but they were hot. She was hot. She made it look good. And then there was a lesbian girl

and then there was this blonde girl. And we- What the lesbian dude dude just wait outside. Well, we had this old guy was old comic was with us. Me, Eddie and this old comedy very criminals. Like that, but a little little that type of dude, right? Just I mean, old. Yeah.

And so we all go down the street down here and we're like, yeah, we're going out with talking. I was at and then Eddie's like hey Why don't you come back to my place with me with the blonde girl and blah blah so I go back to the Just the fucking apartment like these these chicks are in bunk beds. They have bunk beds I mean they're college girls, right? So me and the older dude and the lesbian and my dreadlock chick go back to their place This girl's back to Eddie's place. So we're waiting there all night me and this girl

We hook up in the bunk bed. I mean we're doing all kinds of nice fucking crazy. We're in the living room I mean, I'm wearing a fur shit like a fake fur. I'm wearing a naked doing gags Dude hours. I was just naked in a fur and she we would just I mean it was so hot I looked down the hallway this old dudes going down on the lesbian. That's a man. How do you finagle that? I don't know I don't but I'm like I'm like thumbs up and the lesbian sticks it She's like thumbs up, but she's like she's let happen baby cuz he's so old Lizbians like my girlfriend is a must-hash. It'll be like the same thing Yeah, like there's a certain age after 50 or a lesbian

You know what I mean if she's 21 and you're 50. That's that's gay sex I like her state of mind So I gotta say no to a guy going down on me dude It was one of the greatest sexual crazy nights and I've had a lot of my when I first moved to New York Yeah, so just epic so we're on the roof watching the sun come up. I Mean I'm in my pants, no shirt and a fur. Right. The sun, we're on the roof, New York City, the village. Yeah. With my chick leaning on me.

I don't even know this. He's with this lesbian. She's leaning on him. Right. Yeah. And then all of a sudden this blonde comes up, slams the door of the roof. Oh my God. Well, like where were you? Because they were supposed to meet us at the house. Right.

We're watching the sunset because we don't know where you are. Yeah. We're thinking, what's up? Well, maybe they hooked up. He wouldn't let me leave. What? So I should, I don't know if I should I tell us? We'll let him look.

Should I tell us? Yeah, let's do it. I love you Eddie, but this happened so fuck you. And a long time ago. And you come on the show and tell your version of this. There's another version, but this chick came in we're like what? She was like, she was hostage.

Oh no. She goes, he lived with his sister at the time who was in the business. Yeah. And he, she was like, he was like, you can't my sister if she wakes up. Okay, you can't leave right now. So he started putting tapes of his sets in.

No. He was watching this. This is the things we gotta hold each other. Yes. So she was like, he made me watch his comedy. Which I was like, okay. And then I tried, I was like, can we go? He's like, no, we can't, my sister.

She's like, okay. So then he took out his new headshots. He put them on the bed and he made me pick my favorite. Like, which one? Help me choose. I'm talking ours. Finally, she's like, I just, I'm gonna leave. He goes, no, I just walked the fuck out.

I had to go. That's amazing. She goes, I felt like he wouldn't let me leave. Also, why would it matter if his sister woke up? How about this? Who cares? How about this? Quietly.

You have some sex? Yeah. Right? Right. She came back to your house. Your sister's there. She's still hanging in there. Well, maybe they did have sex and then, oh no, they didn't.

He's just going to say maybe he's just worried about her walking, buying. That's what she said. But either way, I do think. She was so bummed out that he didn't try. That's why. She was like, I go, well you had sex. She goes, he didn't do anything. Really?

He wanted me to watch his comedy. Yeah. If, like, there's nothing worse than making someone watch your stand up. That's wild. Dude, if you made me watch my stand up, I'd throw up. Well, anyone's. I can't. Watch, I make people watch other people's stand up.

I'll show them like a video or something. But your own should be like, hey, what do you think of this bit I did? If I told my wife, hey baby, can you watch? No. Really? No, no, just go make the money fucking chubby tits. Yeah, you've done this for yeah

Yeah, you know how to do go get go get money. I want steaks. Oh good. Yeah. Yeah, that's such a great But yeah, it's it was a weird it was we do it's fun weird weird situation. Yeah, what year was that you think? Jesus had I can't early. Yeah early Eddie hasn't lived here for no he lived here. Yeah, he lived here I mean we're all struggling and shit. We're eating my moons because we couldn't afford anything. We did spots at the cellar just to get food. We had food spots here and shit like that. Did you ever see that Judd Apatow film? I think it was called Funny People?

Yeah. It was such a, somebody, and I wish I could give credit to who said this, but they were like, it's the perfect comedy movie because the first half's funny, and the second half is just a comic trying to get out of whatever terrible situation He made with a girl after the show right? Yeah

It's all second half It's just like an Eric Banna's house for some reason and stuff like that and it's a kick it's kind of like that like the show Is fun and there's all this thing and then there's this weird side where it's just us Trying to get laid or like trying to hang out with girls when it goes wrong it goes wrong Yeah, but when it goes right, it goes right, it goes right. It's the best, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm thinking back. Man, I had so many, so many good times as a young comedian.

Can you think of a better profession? Yeah. What? Lead singer to a rock band. Oh yeah, all your comics always love rock and roll. You're a comic too, I mean, you comics. I said, yeah, everybody. Oh you comics always love rock rock and roll You're a comic too. I mean you comics. I said well, I'm we're comics But I mean like I don't have the rock and roll thing. I don't really care. I'm not a big music dude I just love going on stage. You know, what's up? How you guys do?

Like that, you know, that's fucking cool I would do that I mean because you walk out in front of the crowd and be able to sing and just fucking put your foot up. They do have that after that party lifestyle, which is fun. But plus the clothes, like when I was on that Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll, to wear those fucked up clothes. Yeah, it's fun.

It's just fun. Like, the reason why I love Tommy and Louis, Louis is a part of this too. I remember I saw one of his specials and he just had a stain on his shirt. He didn't care. That's a Tim Dillon. One thing I, all the guys in my life, if you saw the dudes I hung out with, people, people are shocked because what I love about people is that when they have the attribute I don't have. Like I'm pretty vain, but like they aren't. My friends will just dress like terrible and I'll bring them to like this really nice restaurant with my industry friends My friends like he brought this guy's like that guy's hilarious and brilliant. Yeah, it doesn't give a fuck about his shirt

I love that you are not creative at all and you care a lot about your shirt But like I love guys like like Tim Dylan I think he had a stain on his shirt on his special the one thing I would love about stand-up comedy is that on his special. The one thing I would love about stand-up comedy is that we can just, I can go on stage, I work on a hoodie. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, I have gay bracelets on. It's cool. That's why I think of a cooler profession. I used to think athlete, but the truth is athlete, you get called old at like 36. And then you can't, you know, after like the only people who know you are a bunch of guys like me, know who like oh, I watched you when you played at Vandy. Yeah, like they don't want that Yeah, I want chicks and then the chicks that do know them don't really know them. Yeah, they've been told that's a

Football player and so then they come over like money. Do you have money? Yeah? I know like it's it's that so like athletes out I used to think that athletes out and they have to do that They have to tow the line of corporate America. Yeah, cuz if you're it's all corporate. Yeah, it's all corporate all the beer Yeah, everything's corporate Tom Brady almost got canceled the closest you can get to be canceled Just for having a MAGA hat and his locker. Yep When when nobody even really thought Donald Trump was running at that point like everyone thought it was a joke They never thought he was kind of running as a goof. But uh... Well that's what freaked... I mean this was...

Well like even rock and roll. So let's take that for a second. Mick Jagger, sure. You know, that'd be great to be Mick Jagger. What a life, you know. But like, I've seen Pearl Jam and Concert, I don't know, 20 times and I wouldn't recognize the guitarist or the bassist if they were at a grocery store. Yeah, but Eddie Vedder. I know Eddie Vedder. Is a god. Be good, but Eddie Vedder. I know Eddie Vedder. He's a god. Be good to be Eddie Vedder.

That's what I mean when I said, I didn't want to be a bass player. You want to be the lead. Yeah, I don't want to be a fucking... You want to be the lead. I don't want to play bass. I know, but that's tough to be that. It's tough to be the fuck guy. I want to be the...

Look, at first of all, we're comics. We are the fuckers. We are the fuckers. But I mean like... I would want to be the lead singer Yeah, or a drummer, but if I had my choice I mean I'm in what Eddie Vedder walked out at the Boston Garden And he walked out didn't say a word just looked and then just went and the place went Yeah, and then he went like this

And then he was ever looked out dude every Sent he's made every grain of attention that guy gets he deserves it. Yeah, I mean he's just great Yeah, the Louis of his industry in my opinion like Westfords like songwriting. Yeah performance and he's a nice guy I don't want to get into any of his shit because my luck. He'll be some woke asshole And I'll fucking be like I you don't want to be sure Well, here's the thing, it's like that Madonna. Bring that Madonna thing back up. I want to re-

Dude, it's so terrible. Here's the problem with her, though. She has nobody around. This happens with a lot. It happens with comics, too. When they get money, when they get money, they start just doing stupid shit. I agree.

Because they surround themselves with nobody who's gonna, now, you know what I'm saying? I think that in a certain instance that you have to believe in yourself, you have to have some type of confidence and know where you're going and you can get there, but you need people around you to go, you're a fucking moron. What I was saying about the Andrew thing, I love buddy,

I think it's great, keep killing it, but like, someone's gotta tell you when you're doing cringy stuff, that's pretty good. Hey Bert, stop talking about your $5 million watches. Like, we love you're doing cringy stuff. That's pretty good. Hey Bert stop talking about your five million dollar watches Like like we love you dude. We're so happy. We want I like the fame. I like that you like the fame I love you. I got Bert's back all day. I'll fucking fight for that dude if someone fucks with him But we don't need to hear about the the you know I said, you know what had a good year. I'm gonna buy a nine billion dollar watch and you're like alright

No one can relate to that. They're giving you $10 on Patreon a month. Just keep that to yourself. Rogan doesn't go on and brag about, Rogan's doing good financially. You think? Yeah, crushing it. You think?

Yeah. He's making a few millets. Here's the problem with people who- But he doesn't go on there and go, look at all this shit I bought this week. Here's the problem with people who make a lot of money. And we had Sagar on here, he's a gazillionaire too. Yeah, I love Tom.

It's like, dude, just buy me something. You know what I mean? Like if I was to take you after the show, I was like, hey man, let's go, we'll go for some steaks. I'd do that. That's not a big thing. For them to buy me a Lexus, it's the same thing as me buying you a steak

I had a woman almost buy me a Lamborghini SUV for Christmas. How big is your dick jokingly talking about it? Who I don't want to say her name. She wouldn't become famous. Yeah millionaire, but she's so yeah, and she's so cool Do I know her night? Yeah, you'd know and she's awesome and nice But in my mind I was I even said to my friends was like that's do you know how in Like that's really the next step someone buys you an SUV Lambo like that's insane take it Fuck you take it and then do a Burt video. That's a good year. Oh, yeah. Yeah, look at what I got Yeah, but here's the thing with like I told you before Like even like,

shilty. Yeah, his his whole thing is revealing, right? Yeah, revealing his life as a story. And he has to tell a story. So he had to have that moment. Right? Yeah. And I get it. I understand to us were like, Ah, come on, dude, what the fuck? That's personal. But the way he makes his money is revealing all his life, all that shit. He reveals all the shit behind the scenes and stuff like that. So that's just he built up a moment for social media, which is his sitcom, which is a reality show. So it's like, that's how he

makes his money, man, showing his life. Yeah. I mean, at all time, I never like respect things how he makes his money man showing his life. Yeah, I mean it all time I yeah, I never like respect things just because it makes money like my wife I don't I don't my wife. We're not even connected on social media Yeah, she wants nothing to do with anything ever like rock. No one even knows what his wife looks like It's very hard to find out who the rocks with he's been with this woman She's supported him like not financially, but she's emotionally forever. He's married to Kevin Hart. I believe that. Yeah, there's more poise with them together for sure and they're definitely fucking.

But like even after his wife had their last daughter, the photo was the rock with his shirt off with his baby on the chat. Like he didn't even put her in that photo. Like it's a completely thing that's protected and it's vulnerable. It's like you need to keep that to like have like some whatever, so I don't know, just kind of crazy. Yeah, I would never, I don't think, but you know, look, it's like these, like I said, it's like this type of shit though, right here,

I think it's different than what Andrew did. Andrew was telling, look he's playing the garden, he built this thing up, whatever the fuck, I mean do I believe he was eight going, I'm gonna play that, I mean yeah you gotta, you gotta goddamn good point, but this shit is complete narcissism. Oh it's terrible. First of all. And she uses it to try to pretend like we're all the same. Like she's like it's, we're all, it really proves that we're all, I think she says it. Yeah, I had a friend of mine during this pandemic. I was panicking. Yeah, because I didn't I didn't have I'm not I'm a thousand air. Yeah, you know what I mean? Well, you're

doing good. I'm doing all right. But at the end, dude, I needed those gigs. I need the money I was making. It's not like you can just I can take a year off. Yeah, on Rogan, he goes, you know, during, this is what happened this week. He goes, you know, these like Zoom comics during lockdown. I go, Joe, I'm a Zoom comic during lockdown. Like I was doing Zoom shows. Yeah, because we had to. It blew his mind.

I go, dude, you gotta get out of this little circle that you're in over there. Cause like, you know, a lot of the people you keep company with, they were doing Zoom shows, you know like the like oh the comedy shows The stand-up shows. Yeah, I was doing comedy in my kitchen on a computer Dude, I was I was doing a podcast with Mike Calta every day seven days a week I was doing I was I mean he actually stepped up He was one of the only friends. Yeah when I was like, dude, I don't have any money coming in

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I got you. And he goes, dude, we'll do a podcast, we'll charge money. My fans, your fans will do we did Colt and Kelly for three years. I forgot you guys did that. We did that, dude. And he did it. He did his radio show five days a week, four hours a day. And then we did Colt and Kelly every night. It was awesome. I mean, he's one of the only guys that stepped the fan Louis. Louis called me, are you okay?

Nice. And I went, I'm not, but I don't want anything because when I do, if I do ask you, you know I really need it. Yeah. So if I don't want to, I want to go through what I have to go through, but if I do come to you, I really do.

So I don't want anything, but thank you. He sent it anyways. I have a similar story. Joe Coy came to my house during lockdown and just out of nowhere comes to my house. He gave me like the the original reason that he came to my house was because he wanted to look at your teeth so we could replicate them. So Joe bought like a deadlift shrimp jersey. I'm a big Seattle sports guy. And he had bought bought this Detlif Shrimp Jersey on the road and he's I'm gonna give this Jeff died Jeff does a big Sonic's guy and so I'd been on his tour bus for a long time And so he used that as an excuse to come to my house and then he goes are you good though?

And I'm okay. I'm doing zoom shows everything's good like I have saved up money It's just weird to not have money come coming in because at the beginning We didn't know what was gonna happen like lockdown was scary And so he's like oh, yeah, And he gave me a bunch of money. Yeah. That's great. It was the nicest thing. And it's also like, because I think of comedy as like a fraternity. You know, like we're all in this together. I might fucking tease guys and criticize, but like at the end of the day, it's comics first. Like it's my only group I got. When

you're a straight white guy, you don't have any groups. No, I can't be like Oh me and my brotherhood That's there. Oh god. I got nothing. Yeah. I was with this now They told me this is now a bad one. I was that was all made up bullshit. Yeah, it was all it was a scam. Yeah, and so You know For him to do that. I was just like man., this is such a cool comic move to just be. I have millionaire friends. Millionaire friends who called me up and said,

you are, I was like, you all right? And I'm like, nah. And they're like, yeah, dude. I'm like, it's tough, dude. He goes, yeah, I want him to go, we're all in the same boat. Yeah, milk bath boat. I had a joke I'm acting like, you have a boat? Like, I don't have a fucking boat.

What are you talking about some money? We're not in the same boat, brother. Yeah, you can not work for four or five years and you'd still be good. Oh, yeah. I needed that the gig I had next weekend. I needed that. Yeah, I had some shit to pay. Right. Well, it's the thing is that we would never think that. So it's hard, you know, you think Bobby kid like we I have you on. So it's hard, you know, you think Bobby, like I have you on this like mental pedestal,

I would never think. Well, here's the thing, I'm doing better than most, but at that time, it's like, you know, I had all this shit happening. Like people don't understand this industry, you go up and you make all this shit happening. I think, like people don't understand this industry, you go up and you make all this shit. You know, like I just heard Josh Brolin talking and before no country for old men,

he goes, I did that for nothing, that movie didn't pay me anything. I was broke. Really? He's like, I was broke, I didn't have any money. And then I did, he did that... Did it for nothing? It was a Coen Brothers film.

He did it for nothing. They didn't pay him money. He didn't... There was no money for that movie. And then he goes, I did the American gangster and I had a little piece of the end, you know, that you never... Right. He goes, that movie did so good. My agent sent me the check and it was... I saw the six and it was... I thought it was 60,000.

It was, he was, there was another dot, it was six million. He started to cry because he's never had that money where you can not worry. You know, actors only get paid when they act and those residuals go down. Comics, you know what I mean? Like I had some money, I had a house, I had a family, I had 40 shows lined up for the year. The first time in my career, my agent called me, I was, dude, you're done. I don't have I can't book any more gigs. So I was doing so good. Yeah, with this touring shit. And I was set for the year.

I was like, this is great. And that was after, you know, because we did the FX shit and that money goes quick. People think that you make that money, but after agents take 10, manager takes 10, government takes 35. And life happens. Think about your check. You make 10 grand. You're making what? 3000 of that? Yeah. 3000 of 10. When you have all these people, lawyer, agent, manager, government, cocaine, and then you got out hookers, Kentucky fried chicken. They got to eat. Right. Bimba Bip. I I mean, right? So it's like at that time, man, I was fucking bad. Also, banks don't like comics and actors in that way, right, because you wanna see that,

they wanna be able to see that you have things coming in. And if you go, oh, I work just every weekend, and this is what I usually make, and I'm hoping that the club brings me, you know what I'm saying, like, that's tough to prove to a bank and Same with actors they might make a big nut on a movie But then you know who knows when they're gonna get their next thing they buy in a house audition They got like they don't know buying a house as a comic is one of the hardest things ever because I have a business that all my money

Goes to yep, it doesn't go to Robert Kelly makes nothing right not you makes all the money And if you want like lower taxes, which isn't much, but if you want lower taxes, you go, I'm not going to pay myself out of that business account very much. So then when you try to go get a home or buy anything, they're like, you make no money, make this. Well, technically, I have a business called and then it's a weird thing. But yeah, go back to this. This is what I do love about you vary on on brand for you, is that you could only make it through

about six seconds of this before you started. Because that's how... I hate. ...ranging and terrible this is. Because I hate that we worship these people. The same people that hate men fall in line to this horseshit. That's terrible. And if this is to me they think it makes women stronger I really don't believe it does. I think it makes you weaker

I'll have him find it instead of my phone to see this shit I want you to watch this but then there's also her dancing recently I've seen it and you're like I've seen it Jeff And it's it's it's nobody will fucking say you're an idiot. Yeah, she looks fuck and didn't scary and weird It's it's like you're fucking you you really need more money Yeah, play this stupid. She's a ghoul. I Hate her. I can't stand her How funny you are. How smart you are. Where you live. How old you are. What amazing stories you can tell.

What? Pause this for a second. The only thing that would validate this is she farted right now in a bubble came up behind her. That'd be amazing. I'm just like you. I mean, fart in a milk bath. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm just like you. Validate this if she farted right now in a bubble came up behind

I'm just like you I mean fart in a milk bath. There's nothing about you that is any we can't look at look it to the left What the fuck is that shit that you have we can't get she just pretend? It's some type of bath salt that comes from children's eyelids. I hate when people pretend exactly She got it from the Clintons. I hate when people pretend to be enlightened. She's thinking that this is so deep. And look at how great the stories you can tell. Or how funny you are. She's just naming her own narcissistic things she thinks she is. She's like, it doesn't matter how much money I have.

Or how great my stories are. Because she thinks she's funny, which is hilarious that she thinks she is. She's like, it doesn't matter how much money I have or how great my stories are or how fun, because she thinks she's funny which is hilarious that she thinks she's funny. Jim Carrey does it now. We walks around and he speaks in circles in an attempt for you to think he must be higher-minded. You know, where he's like, life isn't real, it's beyond the s you wear on your chest. It is more, you aren't here, it's beyond the S you wear on your chest. It is more, you aren't here, I'm not here, and you're like, shut the fuck up, dude. You're just a really good actor and a really brilliant comedian.

But you are not roomy. I know you read some fucking smart stuff. And he's stealing it as his own. It's so annoying. But that's what she's doing. Well, Jim, you weren't even a good stand-up, bro. Right. You did good on a TV show.

But he's a brilliant comedic actor. He's great. Yeah. One of the best. It was great. Yeah. At the time. But also, just because someone's really good at it,

it doesn't make them profound. The guy walks around in this weird depression. He's like, when you don't make them profound like the guy walks around like you know in this weird Depression is when you don't have to worry about money. Yeah when you don't have to worry about bills Yeah, when that is just a race from your life. Yeah What do you have to do? I've with money and success become more Myself and more like oh, yeah, like every day like this shit's important. So you hit it right there. Not the opposite.

No, right, no. She's mentally ill, so with money, she became more mentally ill. Because that right there, what I see right there, I see a very sick person who needs, needs to have this moment. I the her drug her cocaine her heroin her food her sex is attention right and it with dry and the thing that COVID did is took away her attention. Yeah. So I need to I need to get a camera in here. We need to get a sound royalty free sound bed of some creepy music.

And I need to sit in, it can't be regular water. It's gotta be milk, because I needed to be milky because I don't want him to see my fucking old tits. She's so gross. So, and I don't want him to see my fallen vagina through the clear water. And she's having this moment

because she needs the attention because that's her drug. It's terrible. Yeah, they all they all seem to get to a place but it's like nah, nah, we see right through it. Yeah, you're kind of like the audience in stand up comedy. Yeah, they can sniff through some bullshit. And then go, this isn't real, is it? Some of them. Some of them fucking like a lot of bullshit. Yeah, well, I guess when I'm in Ohio, I mean, I think a while is great. But no, I mean, it's fine. Let's watch this. I mean, yeah, we're all equal. Now we're all equal in many ways. You have a million

dollar mansion. You are not equal to anybody. You are not you're and you're in and in the fact that they try to get us to give money Yeah, I love that too. That's when the rock and Oprah got in trouble What in Maui? Oh, yeah, because they were like hey, we set up a thing for you guys to give money guys You're you're a billionaire and you're a billionaire You give the money and you live there you have an investor you have an interest in this You know this is your up you have a tattoo on your whole arm has fucking history I've seen you do that. How do mother?

I seen you do that dance also Oprah I'm pretty sure you're the one who set all these fucking fires Why is your house covered in blue and not being lasered by the powers of me? I do. What are you guys? Listen, are you into all this stuff? Because if we're gonna get into this, I'm gonna get into it. I'm down. I'm into all of it. But I'm in all of it. Like, I'm not like, we got a buddy, you know, Sam Tripoli. I love Sam. Yeah. My favorite thing about Sam is like, there's this comic who I don't want to give the rub to

because I hate him, but he's got a good bit where he goes, you don't believe in any conspiracy theories. I mean like that's that's wild to not believe in any like there's some that are reasonable, but I always think the adverse of that bit with Ari Shafir or not. I sure with Sam Tripoli Sam believes all the conspiracy. Yeah, there's not a single one He doesn't think is real. I know I'm like, you know, surely you don't think the earth is flat He's like all earth's flat and I was like, oh you believe that one like you even believe that I say something though Yeah, the whole moon thing. Yeah, I mean now that they're starting to show you footage And you're like, oh, you can't see the stars, right?

You're like, why can't you see this one also that the the what's the guy? cool That made the the shining. Yeah, what's the steady Stanley the Shining? Yeah. What's the drawing? Stanley Kubrick. Yeah. He, like, said, yeah, they hired me. Like, he was like before he died when they can't kill him.

I think you can find a video of him admitting to it. Yeah, but the dude from the Beatles said that Paul wasn't Paul before he died. Yeah, there's some crazy acut. Well, there's a whole documentary that Paul from Paul What the fuck is it? McCartney died in a car accident. They replaced him with another Paul. That's ridiculous Yeah, dude, they go through a lot of crazy shit. Okay, and I'm a son. I'll do it. I'll flip me too

If you give me two reasons, I'm like probably true. That's good enough for me I've become a Democrat, Republican, independent, and the same day. Exactly. I'll come home, I'll be like, we're voting for Biden. I don't care if he doesn't talk, and he smells kids. You talking about that on stage, it's just really fun.

Yeah, I'm a flip-flopper, dude. I am too, but I also think that that's good. It means when you hear evidence, you go, okay, that's good evidence. That's what a good judge would be, or a good jury would be. But I will say, the's good. It means like when you hear evidence you go Okay, that's good evidence. That's what a good judge would be or a good jury would be But I will say like the moon thing in my opinion I don't think it's unlikely that we just went to space and not the moon and then like in an effort to tell Russia fuck off Look, we're already up here. Look, we're playing golf. We brought a car up here. We're driving a little dune bug

Yeah, but how'd they get the car? What do you mean? Like, okay? They that's the thing that's my point that that's all fake the golf and the flag and all that's recreated Because we didn't really go to the moon We just went into orbit and then we're like look we're out here So we go to you jump to a movie set and they're doing all the movie set shit So and then Russia goes and they beat us. Let's just shut down the space program Like I could see that being because cause you know how many astronauts they killed before or before?

Real quick, worst Russian accent I've ever heard. I don't, I didn't try to look at it. You just turned into a little rascal. How they beat us. That's how the Russians took that defeat. Like bitches, they should have. I don't have a Russian accent. So I did, you know.

They beat us. They beat us. They beat us. Shut it down. They shut us. They got to play golf. We were going to play Or rugby. Yeah, they're upset. We were up there fooling around That's why some of those images are reversed

You know, it's like the same thing of a guy hopping this way and then the next day they show him hopping this way And it's like they were trying to really make it look like it's fake. Yeah, also speaking of accents How come nobody talks like Kennedy anymore. Oh that accent that voice is gone Well, nobody talks like the way women used to talk like rich women back in the day like breakfast at Tiffany's Oh, you're like darling. Yeah, darling. Yeah, that's a that's a dead accent. They replaced it with this one women But hi, can I get a coffee? Literally I'm starving. I am listen Jeff. I know that you won't have sex with me Yeah, okay, I'm not gonna just swallow jizz on an empty like literally like match my energy

Like read the room like if you're gonna come in my mouth I need at least some bread to absorb the load. That's disgusting. I was disgusting But no but Kennedy they did that's a new way to choose to go to the moon and you're like I've never heard that voice Do you think in the in the 50s if you went if you were a girl and you're going oh my god We're going to war again They they would be like what the fuck are you? What is this person? Yeah, yeah, and I blame LA for it. Don't be mean to the retarded girl She's a tad

retod. Leave her. Yeah, LA. I think that all that came out LA. That's sing songy. Yeah, yeah. Vocal fry. Yeah. Poor shit. Like the gay accent that's made up. Well, that's just peacocking. I heard everyone else knows you're gay. I heard that I was talking to an anesthesiologist and he said when gay guys come out of the anesthesia, they talk regularly. So it's kind of like this. That was great, man. No, it's like this.

It's like, oh, shit, what the fuck? Oh my God. I'm all fucked. I need a cracker. Are you serious? Hey. It is weird. I would just go with a guy who,? You don't even know what to do. Hey. It is weird. I went to school with a guy who, you know,

just talk like me and you. And then like literally came out of the closet and he's like, I've been gay my whole, I'm like, well, that was your secret voice too? You guys all just talk alike now? I don't understand. It's fun to talk gay. It is funny.

I mean, talking gay, I wish we could do it. I think it's their way of just saying, like that way when they like, you know, if there's a cute guy at the table, they're working, you know, they'll be like, all right, can it start you guys with anything? It's like, it's just his way of being like, I'm a gay guy. Yeah. You guys are interested.

It's a code. Yeah. Yeah. That mustaches. Yeah. Just a mustache. It'd be funny on a sitcom. If it was two gay guys and then when they're in their apartment, they just talk regularly.

They don't need to. Good. Pass me the Xbox remote. You want pasta or you want Z? sick on that if it was two gay guys and then when they're in their apartment they just talk regularly. Pass me the Xbox remote. You want pasta or you want what's the ED? You want ZD or linguine? All right, cool. Then they answer the phone. Dude, I got Cubans. Hang on one second. Hey. We're here staying in tonight. We're beat. I'm tired. We're gonna stay with the dogs. Anyways. Have fun though have crazy Yeah, love Madonna wish we could go by these fucking queers The party seven nights a week they need to get a fucking I mean what the fuck man. They need to find love like us Gary

Yeah, dude, what's up? Love you man. Love you dick Yeah, it's it's a it's a weird... accents are very weird. There was another one too. The nerdy accent, you know, that... Yeah, I think that's just autism. Is it autism? Right, because I met a girl that is autistic and I was like, oh, that's like, it's a very matter of fact robotic kind of. Yeah.

Gosh, I'm trying to think of a good example of it, because I'm not trying to sound insensitive. It really is this kind of like. Look at the thread there. I saw it. Just look over there. Remember the guy that Judah Freelander played on American Splendor?

Yeah, that was great. When he's like, Harvey, do you consider yourself a nerd? You know, like that like very it's very formulaic kind of matter of fact articulate. Yep. Yeah, there's no, he's not trying to have a personality. It's just I think like the Kennedy thing was a Boston thing, but it was actually a Cape Cod kind of hyannous port thing like Boston people talk, we fucking talk like this kid, you're fucking I'll murder you and your fucking mother your called kind of hyannous port thing like Boston people talk we fucking talk like this kid you're fucking I'll murder you and your fucking mother your cockzaka that's Boston fuck you your car I'll fucking slice the tires on your fucking

car right now that's what I grew up with how does Alex Edelman not have that accent I was talking to him yesterday because he's the most Boston kid in the world because he's not eating grew up with any of those guys he grew up in a you know affluent area yeah nice no I's not, he didn't grow up with any of those guys. He grew up in a affluent area. Yeah, nice Jewish. No, I hung out in Medford. I grew up with fucking dudes, fucking Mikey-o, Mike Dots, Jake Gags, Frankie Paulicastro.

Isn't it bullshit though that everyone's claiming Boston? It's like there's, because that's tough. I mean, no, Boston is... Big. Yeah, Gary Gellman doesn't talk like that. He's from Boston. He grew up in a different... In Alex Edelman-like area. Oh, it's a different world, you know what I mean, no, Boston is big. Yeah, Gary Gullman doesn't talk like that. He's from Boston. He grew up in a different. Alex Edelman like area.

It was a different world. You know what I mean? He grew up in the Jewish community and stuff like that. You know what I mean? They don't talk like that. My fucking asshole Italian Irish guys talk like that. What I love is when you get a black Boston dude. And he's like, dude, where the fuck are you going?

Dude, the socks are on in eight minutes. You fucking retard. That's a little bit of a bug. Oh, it's the best. There's a couple. I knew a couple of black dudes would talk like that. It just makes me laugh. That's like that's like English people talking American.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they switch their accent up. It makes me laugh. But yeah, Boston. Boston accent was that. But they I don't know. That was a weird accent back in the day that they had. I loved it.

I listened to his whole speech. It was almost like a Petri Farms Remembers. Oh yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Ask not what you can do for your country, but- What a beautiful. What type of cracker you can make for yourself.

It was a weird accent. But those guys were pieces of shit. Oh, I mean, I don't know. 100%. It had probably been like that back then. Well, that's the thing that we took away is that you can't like politics was is the original Hollywood. I think the key was for sure, like it was celebrity kind of like it was like this hush hush dude, all that shit when I watched like the Adams with who's a guy who played

that? Oh, yeah, the guy from America's Blender, Paul G. Amar. Yeah, Paul G. Amar, you watch that and you're like, oh my god, there's so much, that's so show business. They took everything from all the stuff in show biz is from politics. Well that's why they killed Kennedy. It's like, dude, this guy's not playing ball. You gotta play ball.

The fact that they killed Kennedy, and then they killed his brother. And Link, they killed Lincoln. and then they killed his brother and link I like it. They killed they killed Lincoln. Yeah, I know MLK they killed him and Malcolm X you just go kill this guy They people starting to listen to this guy kill him and shoot his brother just in case yeah They shot his brother at a hotel and we're such cattle. We just stood and took it. It's wild. We took it What would we do though? I mean like what could you do if they just...

Um, well I think they tried to do stuff and those people got killed too, right? Yeah, they just find a way. Because they know that all black people do not have a Boston accent. What does that mean? Uh, can we play it? Yeah. He's getting all his information from TikTok here. I hate him.

He does this to me all the time. He sets me up to sabotage me. I'm learning this week that the toughest job in this industry is being the guy that operates this. Because you get all the shit. Yeah, and we turn this, you know, not this one, a different one,

and then they're over there panicking. But it's okay, but here's it. Can I just stop for one second? Look at me, Jeff. It's not like Google came out yesterday and it's not like I haven't told it call them a fucking asshole seven weeks in a row they told you they could do this job didn't they well no they said we got it Danny's probably one of the funniest and brightest dudes I know yeah right well and he stinks at volume can't figure it out one

thing with autism they're not good at everything yeah but the things they're good at it's really really good hey you know the little speaker symbol if it's not an X whatever it is to whatever it is to make this but he sucks at yeah he got his he is that neuron a neutron whatever the thing that's in his brain got cut off yeah by a fucking him jerking off him And it went he doesn't know it talking to women and volume on a YouTube video I'm gonna tell you right now listen to me right now. Yeah, listen to me Jeff. Yeah, okay You're a good-looking dude. Yeah back in the day. I was fucking smoking hot

I saw you. I'm this marry you, I saw a ton of photos. This fucking dude? Yeah. I'm not joking, and it's a mystery. You wanna talk about who shot Kennedy? You wanna talk about aliens? You wanna talk about Epstein Island? You wanna talk about Epstein Island?

Danny gets pussy. I love it. Danny gets laid. Yeah, he listens to women probably. But not by people that look like Danny. Like if he was getting if he was getting autistic, Vaj, yeah, like just some chick with fucking looking down at his cock and which is a crime, I think. Yeah, like just some fucking receding hair girl. Yeah. Hi. Yeah. Hi, Danny. Danny funny. I'm talking really smoking hot girls.

Not even say hi to me. I ain't one of them. This fucking Mimi man. I bet. I almost fired him out of my life. I almost fired him. I almost told you I don't want you in my life anymore. We were in fucking Florida.

I got a DM after the show. Hey, so funny, blah, blah, blah, blah, what was that guy, the really funny guy that opened for you? I almost was like, oh, this must be from a couple weeks ago when another person opened for me. Cause she's not talking about that. No way, no way she's talking about Danny. There's no way she's talking about the guy

who has ripped jeans and it looks like somebody's armpit is coming through on his knee. Not the guy making a bionicle right now back at his hotel room Not not the guy with eyebrows that connect to his pubes We so not the guy that does magic Not that guy. What's the secret Danny? Not the guy that did a whole set without looking at anyone That guy. What's the secret, Danny? Not the guy that did a whole set without looking at anyone.

Yeah, yeah. Not, it can't be him. This has gotta be something else. Impossible. It was him. I love it. And he hooked. That's great.

But no, listen. I'm like, all right, so they're hooking. It's a mistake. She's gonna hook up with him. Be around his energy for a couple minutes and go, look, I gotta go. Right. Of course not.

Nope. Easy, easy. They hooked up. I love it. Listen to me. Hooked up, hooked up. Like hooked up. Not like he had to eat her pussy for three hours and she was using him as a tongue.

Real sex. Yeah, I heard those fucking autistics have fast tongues. Danny didn't show her videos of his set and say, pick which hedgehog you messed. I'll tell you what I did do. I called Bobby immediately afterwards. Yeah, that's awesome. I hung up the phone.

I almost called my wife. Listen, you got this says he's John Stucked and you're calm alone on that. I'm not even fine. Dude, I'm nobody. I'm Danny Ainge. Sucked. He was all right.

But not as good as stuck. Dude, it was really it confused me. It still confuses me like I'm like, what's up with? Dude, it was really, it confused me. It still confuses me. Like, I'm like, what's up with, wait a minute, guys can have periods and they can win. Danny fucks on the road. The women championship swimmer is a dude with a dick

and Danny gets pussy. Where are we? Cops are bad. What happened? Elon Musk is going to Mars and Danny's getting pussy. What the fuck? Good pussy. The world's flat and we didn't go to the moon and Danny's getting regular vagina. Wait Danny and Stephen Hawking are getting pussed. It's nuts. Danny what's the secret? Is there any secret? What's interesting is this literally just started

like five months ago. I know but what do you think it is? Just confidence or the comedy? I don't know. The comedy helps. She saw your set. That definitely... She saw me too! Yeah, but you're married. You could try. But I think that women would try, but they see that and go,

oh, I like that he talked about his family or I like that he's got the one... That's a great blocker. I'm gonna stop talking to my wife. Yeah, but I'm telling you, you do fine. I've heard you make these jokes recently too, like, nah, nobody even wants. Or you'll make, like, because you were in the car with Ari Schaffer on that.

Well, I was a fat. I was 350. You were joking around about it, and I was like, dude, you're fine. That's, oh, actually, it's funny we're talking about this. That used to be my biggest criticism of Louie. What, there's fat? Well, no, I love you.

Louie would be like, well well no one wants to fuck me. I'm like dude, I know 75 women in this room that would fuck you. You're Louis C.K. I think he was I know some dudes in here that blow you that aren't in the guys at all, but you're just so funny and so cool and we love you that we would do it. I know a guy that would take you home and let you watch you pick out his headshots. Yeah, like Louie talking about how no one wants to fuck them It's like when Chris Rock tried to keep doing the I'm broke stick. I know like you're not broke Yeah, yeah, yeah Nine houses you piece of shit

So maybe you should be talking about how like you don't get pussy because you have a wife But nothing you couldn't trust me. I I could of. But I mean, the fact that he's getting it doesn't make sense. He's available. It doesn't make sense. I love it. I'm happy for you. Well, I mean, I'm happy for him,

but I'm unhappy for these girls that are at the point of their life where whatever's happening, they're like, I'll do that. You know what I mean? I want to call them and go, hey, it's gonna get better. You don't have to. Yeah, you don't have to do this. You know, that mean? I want to call him and go, hey, it's gonna get better. You don't have to.

Yeah, you don't have to do this. You know, that's really funny. I saw him shirtless. You tried to anti-wing man. He looks like some type of Sesame Street puppet, shirtless. He's got the chest of a fifth grader. His nipples and belly button look like an old Jewish woman. Alright, let's play this. Black people do not have a Boston accent.

Go ahead. Message to all my white friends and Asian friends and people of other demographics all over this country that I'm cool with. Black people in Boston don't have Boston accents unless we're like trying to put one on and make fun of white people. For instance, hey, Donny, do you mind running by crumbling farms and getting me a pack of mob girls and a coffee? Thank you. Like that.

No. Well, there are guys, black dudes, Boston accents. Yeah, what does that have 25 views? Here's what Danny does. He's done's done it did to me yesterday, too He goes and finds the opposite of the point. I'm trying to make yeah He'll go find the opposite and just bring it up. Also, and then I'm like, oh you're trying to prove me wrong Hey Danny as my producer prove me right. Yeah help him out a little bit What I actually did with getting pussy cuz of me. I was searching for-

You think you're gonna get pussy at your fucking open mic-er in Hoboken? Clock Sucker? Eight people that came in one of them's ya aunts? It's not gonna happen. This dude couldn't even turn on the light to make a TikTok video. We're watching it on this one. Oh, the lights were on. It was.

Yeah, that was- Yeah, that was during the day. And he's doing it- I mean, that's like a terrible open mic video. He just saw his cousins around him. Yeah, that was during the day. And he's doing that. I mean, that's like a terrible open mic video. He just saw his cousins around him. Yeah, this will crush. Let me bring up boss black dude Boston accent. Race hustling comedian. You like race hustle. You like that. That's all these everything some sort of terrible stereotype.

He's fucking he that's him. Yeah, now the volume is fine. Mm-hmm. He grew editing you want some edited this kids are awesome Yeah, whiz he makes a clip. Maybe that's what it is stand up. He's fantastic So you should see me edit. No, holy shit. You put a computer in front of him at a live show. Yeah, his fingers break I love it. Thanks. I love did you get it? I'm Thanks. Did you get it? I'm D what is it? That's not a black comedian. That's that's a black guy Every white guy in a Boston movie. Nope. I Don't I don't see anything

Ever in the world doesn't exist black guy Boston accent and Copley Square. I mean there's one Boston accent. Oh Yeah, let's sit through the commercial Nice somebody uses iMovie. You know what I'm done with you. I'm down with you Danny Okay, this is a thing Danny does too when you instead of going do it, I'll get it, I'll figure it out, he'll go, okay. Fine. He'll go, alright. I'll submit. Danny, fuck you.

Don't ever use your computer again, okay. I got it. It's just secretly. Danny, I don't want to ever see you again. Okay. What happened? He has no fight in him. His dad never taught him to fight. He started broke. Yeah, he's been broken just from the beginning. Yeah, Danny's but they're all broke

I'm broke too So you got this podcast, right? I have a few podcasts. Yeah, they got who the bleep is that you got Friendship podcast wrestling with Freddy. Yeah, tell me about the wrestling first. What is it? Me and Freddie Prince Jr. once a week just hard on him. I love Freddie Prince. He's awesome. Tell you what, I saw him on one of my favorite shows, Psych. I don't know what that is.

You never saw Psych? No. It's on USA Network? Okay. About the fake psychic. He did an episode where he was, you know, Freddie Prince sexy, married to smoking hot, you know, beautiful, no, but in the thing, he was married to smoking high, you know beautiful

No, but in the thing he was married to a just a smoker Sports guy, but he was a secret nerd and he had a lair in his basement. Yeah in real life, right? I mean we're doing a wrestling podcast right we were talking about pro wrestling he like literally in his house. He just Literally smokes weed all day plays video games. He loves he gets to be around his kids all day Why did he why did he get out of the business? He hated it. And that's public. My friend didn't tell me that personally.

He was just tired of the bullshit. And he loves what he went and wrote for Vince McMahon. He still takes acting jobs when he wants, but it's all on his own terms. Like he's not going to addition. Well, how's he making money? What's he doing for money? He's married to Sir Michelle Geller.

And he has a ton of money from the things he's already done. Right. So he just said, I'm out. Tapped out. Chills. Gotta respect it. Dude, it's the best. I think it was who? Danny, wasn't it you?

I think it was Danny. Somebody just recently asked me to open for them. Big venue. Yeah, it was you, Danny, right? It was, do you want me to say who it was? No. Okay. Somebody asked me to open.

Big venue, huge comic. You know, one of the motherfuckers right now. God bless and Was hey, I need blah blah. I was like I'm with my kid. I'm thank you very much. I told Danny I go, I'm not gonna do it. I'm with Max and my wife tonight and Danny you I mean that flipped you I thought you were saying I asked you to open for you. No, but it was me. Yes, what? Yes, this happened with me. Yeah. He well he couldn't believe that I was saying no. Yeah. And I understand what he's coming from. Yeah. But I done it. I don't want to I'd rather be home with my kid on a frat. I have a frat. I'd rather do a hundred Cedar of my fans. Yeah. Well, be home with my family then go do somebody else's dream. I've never opened for anybody as far as like all those big things. I don't even know what that route looks like.

But I got buddies they'll be like yeah I'm opening for so-and-so I'm like I'm always fascinated by it like how does that come up? Well I also don't believe the money is that good in that situation. Opening for people. Like what most you could make opening for anything. Even my thousands. Yeah, but the most famous comic in the world. I mean, someone, Sue sells arenas, Bert sells arenas. Oh no.

Dane Cook used to. Yeah, I tore with him. And Reif is doing a thing. I tore with him. What's the most you could make as an opening comic for those? Well, it depends on who it is because some guys aren't generous. Yeah, but even the most generous, I mean. 8,000?

They give you 8,000. Someone give you 8000. Someone give you 8000. Dude, dude. Cat Williams gave Richie Redding a grand. That's a lot of money, dude. It's a lot of money. That might be the highest. Most of them are cheap pricks. Yeah. Most of them making a quarter of a million, a half a million dollars. Open performing stadium tour can expect between to nuts not that's a lie. That's not a lie. I got I can tell you what Dane paid me 1200 bucks. Okay. Dane offered me zero. 15 for 15 the first half and then he cut it the second half. Well, I mean, he did have his brother take all his money.

Well, like one time I was supposed to open for Dane. I asked him to I said, I'd open for you. He goes on perfect. I mean he did have his brother take all his money. Well like one time I was supposed to open for Danny. I asked him to. I said I'd open for you because I'm perfect. And then he like shot me these things. I said I'll do those dates. And then I asked I said you know like what am I making? I mean there was no response. And as a man I just want to know am I making five dollars or am I making like five thousand dollars. I just want to know a number so I can have something in mind because if a weekend pops up like I need to, you know, whatever. And no response, no response. I text his sister, she goes, you got to talk to him. I text his manager, he's like, you got to talk to him. And so then I finally just talked to him and he kind of got mad at me about it in a way. He was like, this is more

for the experience. You know, we fly private, all the money goes towards my specials. And in my mind I was like, well, no disrespect love you man I would love to hang out with you anytime and I'm happy to open for you, but I can't just make zero No, but there is coming but no, but there is somebody I understand that I am fine with that I there is some I'm not that guy for you. You know what I mean? When I did it with Dane It was like we were best friends like let's go hang. I go hang. I just did it with Louis a year and a half ago. He was like, I'm going to Europe.

You want to come? And, you know, but the hotels were, I mean, dude, the hotels were fucking 3,000 a night. You know what I mean? Flying and all that shit. And it wasn't a Reno's, it was theaters and stuff, but we ate and I mean he paid me fine. You know what I mean?

But it was not 10,000 to 15,000 a night. But it was the experience. Me and Louie had a blast. And I was going, not for the money, I was going to hang with Lou, which is awesome. So if you're going to do that, like a lot of guys get paid good money on birch tour Some of them do I don't know. I know some of them do Shane and Mark. It's awesome. They get a lot of money That's great. I'd love to know those numbers. I think that's good for us to know No, cuz it's like I like I like I said I actually was my idea I said I'll open for you like but I also thought there was when the improv pays me $40 in cash

We laughably go down. I'm to spend this at the bar in 30 seconds. But we make fun of the improv for not paying. But if you've got an arena and a Ferrari, maybe throw me something. It's kind of like what we were talking about earlier. Yeah. I mean, you could probably say, I, how's it off of you in our bucks? I would have done if I was free or whatever. And I, you know, I would have definitely that kid who called me where that was,

I would have done it just for shits and giggles and done it because I, you know, I would have definitely that kid who called me where that was, I would have done it just for shits and giggles, and done it because I like the dude, and I would have gone hang out, we would have hung out, probably smoked a cigar after or got food. I would have definitely done it. But it's like, I'd rather be with my I thank you so much. But I there's somebody else who would really love this gig. Yeah, and really needs that thing. And I'll stay with my kid. I just had great weekend at

The comedy connection Rhode Island. Yeah, and I had a great week and I'm with my kid haven't seen him It's like that so when you tell me Freddie, I love dudes like that He's the best it's like people think that you have to become Rogan Yeah, you have to become Rogan or you have to become Shane or you have to become Louis or Chris Rock and then you made it. Yeah, it's like no this is a job. Yeah, like anything else and Because you because that's the way you see fame or you see success. Dude. Are you are you crazy? I know guys who have like Multiple apartments in New York City that they own from stand-up and you don't even know who they are. Right. And they have Rolexes and they have a future and they

have shit down the road and they have homes outside and they live in their best lives doing stand-up. Yeah. I own three pieces of property. I think about it like there was a guy that messaged me on Facebook a long time ago. We went to high school around the same time and he's like isn't it crazy that we're the only two dudes that made that made it out of our high school that are like actually you know doing it like making something of ourselves and I chewed on that for like an hour at the coffee shop like what a statement I mean we graduated with like doctors we graduated with cops we graduated with a firefight we graduated with dads and moms like that's something like that that Like that's how people live. Like those are honorable

things. But in his brain, because me and him, you know, you can Google us, that that's somehow more valuable. And I remember I sat there for a long time going, how do I respond to this? Do I dunk on this dude or do I just go, oh, thanks man. You know, like, yeah, we really did it. But I really thought about it a lot and it's like you just said it's like there is it's I would rather be with my son I don't have a son but I imagine I'd rather be with yeah my son yeah then being you know now listen to me in front of dane cook in a theater if he called me up and said listen I'm paying you $15,000 to open for me yeah my wife would have you get the fuck out of this house.

There's a price. She'd be like, he'll be here. Yeah. There's a price. Yeah, I mean, dude, everybody's got a price. I don't want to say, I'm above. Everybody's got a price. You offer me 10 grand.

I'm gonna be there. Yeah, I'm gonna fuck a son. I'll see you later. Yeah. I imagine you could bring your kid on the road, right? Nah, I'm not gonna bring him. Not on that one. I would have went and hung out just to fucking see side puss. No, but it's when I hear about like that, that with stars and stuff.

I love that shit because in reality, I look at Madonna and I'm like, how much do you need? I know how much money? Never done mushrooms. No, I don't do I've been sober 37 years. Oh, congrats. Yeah. I 107, 106 days today sober. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, thank you so much. Let's talk about mushrooms. What's up?

Well, mushrooms do that for me. Really? Yeah, like where it's like, because I'm just in the middle of the Death Valley, and I was just like doing like mushrooms, and I'm just looking at the stars and I'm like, ugh. Like, what is it gonna take? Like, do you think God just looks at us like what is it? You dude, I've given you so much. You're still an ingrate ungrateful fuck Like I'm just sitting there. Yeah, maybe if my house had five stories

Maybe that would be good enough. Maybe if I met a chick with six tits I wouldn't be texting other girls or I wouldn't be looking at other chick. You know me maybe if I'd seven Jeeps with military tires, you know, it's just like, I was just, the mushrooms made me realize like, dude, you've got people around you, love you. Like you've got a, you're healthy, you know, there's no tumors in your body yet. Like you got jokes, you know, you got a,

like there's enough to be grateful about that you don't need to, and it took mushrooms to kind of connect that in my brain. I was chasing that dragon forever, TV and all this different shit. I think gratitude is the One of the best drugs of all hundred percent. I think if you're if you can tap into gratitude. Yeah, if you can be grateful You will fulfill you feel you'll feel full all the time and that's the most honesty That's that's the truth Yeah, is that you go? Oh, you know, hey, I don't need to impress. I don't know it's it's gratitude takes away resentment envy

jealousy Justified anger justified resent it takes away when you look around and you're like man, I'm good. Yeah. Thank you Yeah, thank you because and what it also, it makes you want to help other people. You know, and if you're out there and you're not grabbing somebody and pulling them up, then you're a piece of shit. You're not going to be grateful. It's all about you.

But when you can tap it, you did it with mushrooms. You tapped into gratefulness. Like I try to do that now. I try to tap into that thing right when I wake up. Yeah, look around and be like, I'm warm. My kids up, my wife's out, I'm healthy. I got a full day. I used to wake up, I gotta go fucking here, I gotta do this. Then I got to go there. And I got that and then I'm away this weekend. I have no time. I'm gonna Jesus Christ. I get, what the fuck?

My therapist told me, because you're gonna stop trying to be retired and start liking where you came from. Everything, but there's so many things to be grateful for. Like, at any point during the day, if I get hungry today, I can, I got enough money that I can eat anywhere. Means if I wanna go to Starbucks and get the $10 karma mug, I can. That is rich that like that I can eat at any point.

Yeah, like, and you know what, I think you have enough to do that too. That's enough to be grateful for. Yeah, like you could that's where the hot dog over here and we don't have to like really like stress like, but I also think that's when you clear your pathway to success. I think you block a lot of shit by jealousy, envy, fear. It just blocks it because you're fucking spending all your time going fuck him and fuck her. They suck. It's like, you gotta, I forgave everybody. Like all the people that have fucked me.

Did you do 12 steps? Yeah. Nice. I do them all the time. I love that. But I forgave everybody. I'm like, dude, I'm out. I'm just not in that game anymore because, and then all of a sudden, things come to you. Yeah, it's holding you down.

What's that? It holds you down. Yeah, it's a, like, I don't, like, even like, people look at the, you know, they can go and look at the bad things that are said about them because they look, what they're really looking for is the good things. I think Louis said this to me once. He said, you go, you're looking for accolades, but you're really looking for is the good things. I think Louis said this to me once. He said, are you looking for accolades, but you're really looking for the person that says the shit

that you think about yourself. Interesting. You know what I mean? So when you read that and it's like, hey, you're this and you're that and it hurt, you're like, fuck. It's like, oh, that's what you're really looking for. Sure. Because that's the way you feel.

You gotta stop thinking negative about yourself. There's an old like, it's like an anecdote about a guy who loses his keys in his house. Like he drops his keys when the power goes out. He can't find his keys. And then he looks outside and he sees like a street lamp and he's like, I can't believe I'm looking for my keys in the darkness when the street lamps on.

So he goes outside under the street lamp and he's looking for his keys. That's ridiculous. And then his neighbor's like, what are you doing? Did you lose your keys? He's like, yeah, I lost my keys. And so now they're both fucking around under the light looking for his keys And he goes when'd you see him last? She goes well, I dropped him in the house. He goes. What are you doing?

Why are we out here? And that's what we all do with our lives is we're looking for all these problems out here, you know But they're here they're inside the problems in the house go find your keys in the house So what are you fucking around out here about And that's what everyone's trying to do. Change society. They're trying to change this or they're trying to do it. But it's like, you got your shit. It's you. You gotta work on you.

It's not fixing him or changing him or changing you. It's my shit. And so like, that's a, it's like when you go to the doctor they give you prescriptions. They don't say, I'll give this prescription to your wife and I'll give this prescription to Danny and I'll give this prescription to your boss. It's like, no, no, no. Like, they don't say I'll give this prescription to your wife and I'll give this prescription to Danny And I'm this prescription to your boss. It's like no no no like you it's there your problems and no one fucking cares You got to fix your own shit. Yeah, it's you know

Everybody is I mean even this stuff with Shane that's coming out. It's like he all this shit happened him now They're just like hey, let's move let's go move on. Yeah, and that's what we should be We should be moving on from that, but you know TMZ today tweeted all the racial it's like guys you bitches he said resurfaces they yeah it's like what are you doing we're making it resurface you resurfaced it because you wanted fame you want to it's like you guys suck you're trying to recancel on the same and here's the thing we don't care Comedy people don't care about Shane. Yeah, he's too funny. Yeah, he's we now dude if he wasn't funny But he's too funny and it's like yeah, he's fine. It's yeah funny wins man all the fucking time

Except when the electricity goes out then guns win It's a we got a long history of it. Dude, I got a lot of guns. I love guns. I love guns too. Oh, I'll tell you that one after. We cut it. All right, so what do you got coming up, dude? I'm touring.

I'm shooting a special called The Last Cowboy in LA. Like that? I'm shooting in Nashville. All the shows are sold out, so you can't get tickets to it. But when it comes out, I'm going to be doing the podcast tours. Hopefully I can come back on this and plug it. But it'll be out. I'm not sure where it'll be. You got to come back on this and plug it. But it'll be out. I'm not sure where it'll be.

You gotta come on the bonfire too, dude. Love to, yeah. Yeah, you gotta come on the bonfire. When are you coming back? I'm in New York every month, so. All right, come on the next episode and come and tell you. Come on, hang with me and Jay.

That'd be awesome. Yeah, you got it in Las Vegas. Here's his date. What's the website? All over jeffdye.com. You can find all these dates. I'm literally somewhere. I'm the true roe dog, man.

Every weekend I'm somewhere. Yeah, me too. I love this part of the industry. I love doing the job. And check out his podcast, Who the Beep is That? No, I got a podcast called Jeff's Friendship. What is the Who's the Peep? Is that a TV show?

The Who the Beep is that is some game show that no one cares about. Are you on it? Yeah, I'm the host, but it's not being brought back. What channel? It's on Fox, but it's not bringing brought back and it's stupid anyways but it was a good cash grab what was the one with the old old guys what is late the never yeah that led the never was good that was fun with was it Shatner Shatner

foreman Terry Bradshaw and Henry Winkler right and we went everywhere love Henry Winkler dude they're all great you got if you want to watch a really good show you should check out that show was it called again better late than never better late than never it was just funny to see these older actors and like Henry Winkler's the sweetest coolest guy ever It's the only thing it's only project I've ever done that old people and young people would watch and they'd all like it It's great. Yeah, it was very that's when I met you. Yeah. Yeah, it's when we really started hanging out Jeff Dye's friendship podcast. Yeah, that sounds gay. It's just doing this, it's just my friends.

But the reason I call it that is because people all try to get all these famous people on. It's like, dude, I'll talk to my friends. My friends have stories that no one's heard. Yeah, a lot of people do the podcast, you've heard a lot of their stories, but like my friends, they got stories, nobody's exploited. Me and the great Jim Serpico, my old manager,

we had actually, before any of these podcasts really took off, we had a thing called the Robert Kelly U-Haul show. I like that. Well, we went to a town, rented a U-Haul truck, went around to places and just grabbed set pieces and made a set. And then we would pull up anywhere, like a Starbucks, and just walk up to a guy and go, hey, you want to be on my show? I love that.

And we would go and do my show. And then I would go to a band's house and they'd perform. I'd interview them in the back of the truck and then they'd do a show. And then I went to a comics house and he would perform. We took Dan Soto to a Dunkin' Donuts. He performed in front of 10 people in the parking lot. You should bring that back. That's a great idea.

Yeah, maybe I should. I like that a lot. I got to go to Chim's Cerberco and see if he'll in the park. That's a great idea. Yeah, maybe I should I like that a lot I gotta go to Chim Serbico and see if he'll do it again. That's really cool. I haven't talked to two years and Then I have another podcast we referenced earlier kind of not on purpose But it called everybody's got a price and the premise is we just ask our friends You know like how much do this and if it's low enough we lock it in and then the listeners Yeah, we can say I got a hundred bucks on so-and-so doing this and then we film the thing So like how much to get hit by a fastball from a major league pitcher?

You know so we got a guy, you know Joe, Joe, so Joe Preno said I'll do that for you know 500 bucks I said perfect the listeners get 500 bucks We you know I got some pitch I got some friends that are major league pitchers They're gonna whip one at them and we'll have that video for the viewers they can watch so people can always be putting The listeners get 500 bucks. I got some friends that are major league pitchers. They're gonna whip one at them and we'll have that video for the viewers they can watch so people can always be putting in money. That's a great TV show.

Yeah, it's fun. That's a good TV show. That's some edgy shit. We'll make it ourselves. I like that, man. TV sucks. I like that TV does suck. Done, dude.

Except for Yellowstone. That show's great. Well, there are shows occasionally that are streamed that are freaking awesome. We're gonna actually, we're gonna, we freaking awesome. We're gonna we're gonna actually We're gonna we have questions for you, but we're gonna go to patreon to do that That's for the patreon fans that from patreon so we give it to them, but Robert Kelly live comm I'm in comics Roadhouse with the two of the tizzy three and then sides putters. I'm at Paramount

Theater me and big J. O'gerson make sure you sell that out and of course I'm gonna beount Theater, me and Big J. O'Gerson. Make sure you sell that out. And of course, I'm gonna be at the mothership, Riotcast, Comedy Fest in Texas, Lafayette Club 33, yeah, Poughkeepsie with Max. He's with me, Max, yes, Max. Fucking asshole, he maxed with me up there. And of course, Boston, Massachusetts at Laf. Boston, get your tickets now, roKelleyLive.com.

Go to punchup.live to watch my special for free. And I put all my edited stories up there too. We got stuff going up there, so please punchup.live. Click my name and subscribe over there. It's just an email. And then I let you know where I'm gonna be in your town and go to comicwearables.com. For all your comic, YKWD stuff,

use code word ladybugs to get 20% off.. For all your comic, YKWD stuff, use code word ladybugs to get 20% off. You get the hoodies, you get the shirts, you get the hats. All that stuff is up there right now at comicwearables.com and check out Jeff Dye. Make sure you check out all his stuff. I really love what you're doing, dude. I love the turn you've made in the last couple years, how honest you're being on everything, and God bless America. Yes, sir. And Tizzy Three, what do you got?

Fast. Max Marcus Comedy, all social media. March 22nd in Summer of New Jersey is the five year anniversary of my show, Comedy A Verb, get tickets. And you can watch the Cheese Show by typing in Cheese Show on YouTube. And these guys are gonna be with me on the road too.

So come check us out. These guys are hilarious and they're great. So, and that's it. We'll see you guys next week on You Know What Dirt. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs.