Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Joe DeRosa and Me

Episode Date: September 25, 2010

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What's up Bob Kelly do another you know what dude podcast Oh shit, and I'm here with Joe D'Rosa He picked this song We know how fucking hip Joe D'Rosa is Joe D'Rosa is fucking hip-jowderosa is. Jowderosa is fucking hip-hop. And you fucking rapper? I didn't know you were gonna play the whole slave ship's intro. That was actually for me. So check it man, I'm here with Joe. What's up man? We're

doing another podcast. Maybe you might, but you know what dude podcast, maybe you want to say that, because you're so well-edited. You know what, dude? It's my fucking podcast. Ha ha ha. Anyways, so first of all, let's get it out this right up front.

We're gonna say it again to talk about it at the end, but you're headlining this weekend in New York City. Yeah. Gotham. Gotham Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow in New York City. Yeah. Gotham. Gotham Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow night. Friday, tonight. Yeah. Saturday night, two shows, tonight two shows.

Tonight, two, tomorrow, three. And who's on the show with you? I'm not sure everybody along with me. I know John Fish's host and he's a funny guy, so it'll be a good show. You know, John Fish, I used to be a counselor at a Jewish camp and he was one of the kids there.

Really? Yeah, he was a little Jewie kid at the Camp Bologrest in Amesbury, Massachusetts, and I was the swim instructor. I was a lifeguard. Your job has changed three times. No, I was. You're a camp counselor. You lived there for two months for the whole summer.

And my job during the day was to teach kids how to swim. Okay. I was a lifeguard. All right, all right. Well, you said counselor, I thought you meant like a drug counselor. No, no, no. I had, no, kids for the kids. Yeah.

But I actually had the guard shorts. And I have a photo of me, if I could find this photo. Oh my god. It's a photo of me my shirt off Sunglasses on we're pointing at my guard short and I was Redding Redding What's what are guard shorts? I live guard shorts the orange shirts that says guard on the side This the funny thing is though. There's a camp so nobody had no lifeguards had those and just had regular swim trunks But I went out and bought the shorts

I'm a fucking homo. That's that's so you do That's such a fucking Bob Kelly move. I'll tell you to tell you what else you know my nickname I gave myself Shades You know why Do you know why? You know why? Right. Remember the cassette boxes used to put your cassettes in? A little briefcase. I took all the cassette holders out, and I would buy sunglasses, but not expensive ones,

the ones at the gas stations. Yeah. And I would, I had like maybe 20 different sunglasses, and I'd put them in the box and inside in graffiti I wrote shades So every morning every morning I would wake up to go down to the the dogs to teach swimming I would pick out a different shades would pick out a different pair of sunglasses That's my nickname I'm calling you that from now on. Shades Kelly. Oh my God, dude, shade. Does anybody know about that?

No. Yeah, you've got to have it. And you're blabbing about it on your podcast. Now you can't make fun of it. Dude, what are you talking about? I fucking tell everybody everything. It was a Mark Marren podcast talking about getting my ass eaten. And you had to fucking squeal out that I told it to eat it like a pussy.

Does nothing sacred with you, Joe. Let's just put it that way. I didn't leak that. You said it first. I said it to you. I said I get my ass eaten. You're not a real man unless you get you fucking at. You said, yeah, tell him the story.

When you told the girl That you told that I eat your pussy. Did I say that yeah, you did Joe I thought you said it. I'm sorry I was hilarious. Yeah, I don't even know nothing sacred with you even the even the fucking the other day when we were fucking We were fucking going to Pinkberry. And I was just trying to get it, because I like Pinkberry. And you wanted to go to fucking cold stones to get that fucking way too sweet creamy fucking gelato.

Pinkberry, whatever. It's fucking too rich. Too rich, fuck you. Too rich, you can't have it. And now you say it's too rich you can't have it and now you say it's too rich You know you love it. You know the thing is man is that you took it on stage and you did the fucking joke I didn't say your name. You did say my name. I'm the only fat friend you have And I did it downtown in the alt rooms. I did it on that I did it as other

Terracor nobody will ever ever hear it. I didn't do it at the seller. Okay, here's the fucking deal. I think I actually have the joke. I actually have you doing the fucking joke, which will really fuck. And this is the thing that really, I don't mind you really talking about the fucking joke or doing the joke. What bugged me is that you fucking, you made it out to like you were a fucking, oh my god, God, you were fucking skinny and had you shit together. That's what bugged me. All right, here's the fucking joke.

You gotta eat there. Cause you're fat. I have a bus with a higher tabless a suit. I have a guess. And those gifts include eating chicken big nuggets on my back as I'm falling asleep. I'm going to keep doing that. I have one of the big fairies. I'll get the cold snow cream ring. Having chicken big nuggets mixed into my cake batter rice cream. First of all, let's just talk about you don't have what gifts will you give it? I can eat cold snowed. No, you can't. You don't have what gifts will you give it? I can eat cold stone. No, you can't.

You shouldn't either. If you were to take you shirt off in public, people would fucking throw up. You don't have a good body Joe. Stop. You hips are too wide. You're too tall. You have no shoulders. You have a girl who just got her tits tits like those little volcano titties Okay, you have a belly your fat and and your fingers are too long But when I put clothing on you can't tell any of that listen, that's not true So what you say is what I'm a clothing on you still tell You have to wear you have to wear like Jacket suit jackets from this the 80s because they have to have shoulder pads I know that's why like wearing suits

You have to like superhero outfits just to make you look like you have a nice body You know what's funny, did I? I didn't even realize it. Immediately after I did that bit, I did another bit about sex or whatever. And I said, and in that bit, I make fun of how awful my body is. Of course, our good buddy Morgan Murphy did a tape that part, a chili tape the part where I'm strashing you and then she's cheapfully fucking sent it to you. I thought it was a friend. She's a friend. She's a real friend.

She's not a friend. She's rotten. She did it to get a rise out of you. That's not what she did. She got a fucking goddamn right. The only thing that bugged me is that I was blessed. You haven't been blessed with anything. I know. The only credit I'll give you is you have fantastic guys. can't even look at. Can you not when we're sitting alone? You're fucking apartment please. Listen you refer to me as sheds. Holding that long cigarette that I fantastic guys. So let's let's move on to the movie. Our movie's done shooting angles. Written, directed, produced. Yeah, we did it all. We did it all. We did it all. We did a fantastic job. So did you.

And it's we're entering into festivals now. But when you think we're going to be able to let you know all these people is you know the fans our fans listen to the fun to actually see their movie Well the first submission goes out in fact I talked to the to Andre's the DP today Who's fucking unbelievable? Yeah, it's ridiculous. So he's he's uploading he looks like a fucking Dutch pedophile, but he's fucking He's fucking a really good. Does it paint through does it? Oh he's just always hot. His hair is just hot. You need hot like sweaty. Yes sweaty hot. He just ate like way too much chocolate and it's like 98 degrees out. Yeah he's uploading he's uploading the first submission this week so so as long as there's no rules about us, we can screen it somewhere, we're gonna

screen it somewhere soon. I would say before Christmas, like the screening will go up and we'll do it. I would, I would think that that would be. Probably do it in the city somewhere. Yeah, in New York. Well, it came off fucking great. It came out great and we're working on the feature now. Yep, working on the feature.

Descript or the script for feature. And we're like a third done the script. It's like, it's like we're almost done the first act. Yeah. It's exciting, man. I'm really happy with that so far. Yeah, me too. You know what it is is that as comics, especially guys like us

who make a living doing comedy, sometimes you talk and you talk all the time about, oh that'd be fun, we should film that, we should do it, and you talk and talk, and we finally will like fuck it, let's just do it, and we did it, which was great. And that all stemmed, the whole movie stems from a conversation you had in a fucking diner, at a breakfast where you just needed my help cheap on some broader. I'm just gonna hear this. Doesn't matter now. You go through fucking

broads like fucking I go through a fucking cupcakes. All right. Well that's nice for everybody to know. It's a compliment. You said you wanted your listeners wanted to bang me. It's not has nothing to do with you being a scumbag. It has to do with your fucking just fucking who you are. Oh. All right. Is that a cop I can't tell it's not really it's just look Joe it is what it is I'll explain to the people I first time I haven't met you I I knew who you were we're in a strip club Albany

First time I really hung out with you and this strip club was a I mean literally I think it was a subway Subshop before it was there. It was just a storefront with the windows blacked out. It was a house. It was a house they turned into a strip club, like a row home. And that row home? Yeah.

You know what I mean else? Yeah. Yeah. So we go in, it's the shittles. It's just us and some creepy guy. It's so dead they want to block in the doors and let them smoke cigarettes. And then they did this thing where they put to block on the doors and letting us smoke cigarettes and then they did this thing where they put two girls in the dance pit and they would fucking start

doing all this crazy shit like in each other's pussy's and grindin' and as they did that and they got more into it they'd lower the lights and lower the music to where you couldn't see and to get the lights back up to see them eating each other's boxes and fucking doing this crazy shit, you'd have to throw money into the pit. So they bring it down, was the best fucking technique I've ever seen in the Strap Club.

Cause we didn't want anything to do with any of these fucking four and a half's until they were just eating each other's assholes. And the light would go down everything. All of a sudden, so you can't see it, and then we just start throwing dollars in the pit and woohoo! and the music would just fucking WHAA! just come back up and then they'd slowly bring it back down I remember

that shit and then right at the end they were like okay two dollar lap dance no what was it? two for one lap dance is everybody went out except me I bought my token yeah I bought I bought my two-dollar but I didn't go Right, because I hate fucking strip clubs. I hate lap dances I'm way too much of a fucking dirtball to even even acknowledge that shit It doesn't nothing for me. I see through it. I know what they're doing. It fucking stinks. Yeah, I hate it Which is how I feel now, but back then I was hooked right yeah, you went upstairs Five minutes later you come back down you're the only one that comes back down

Everybody's upstairs you come back down and you're complaining to the manager of the shittiest strip club on earth That she didn't she she didn't what? What now this is what happened. This is where the misunderstanding occurred. In hindsight I should not argue at all. Obviously. Okay, go ahead. Not even thinking this could be mob run.

They could bring me in the back like a casino and break my hand with a hammer. I didn't even think of any of that. We went upstairs and she danced for one dance and she goes all right I go wait is that it and she goes yeah that's it I go no it's two for one and she goes no one counts as your admission into this private room and ones of dance and I go but you didn't even do anything you just like you just danced in front of me for like three minutes like what was the point of this and then she took that and fucking ran with it

And as I was arguing with the manager about the two for one Right, you know the ethics of two for one and what that me ethics. Yeah, yeah She came down and started going this fucking pervert once me to grind on about there And he's mad that I didn't grind on him and I was like no no that's not what I said and then the manager starts going what do you want him to grind all over you what do you fuck it pervert and then remember all the chicks came out every chick stop dance and they all stood there and looked at me the thing that I remember the most of you I didn't say grind you're using the word grind. Why do you keep saying grind?

You're actually agreeing him using the word grind. Yeah, and he was getting so angry. Finally, I walked over and just gave you I gave you give me 20 bucks. I gave you the money. I was like here just fucking take the money, but that's what I knew Who you were the fact that you wouldn't take the hit and you had to you had to get your fucking point. It wasn't about the grind. It was that day fucking advertised two for one exactly. Yeah, it bothered me. And then and then this is the funny. Now first of all the reason I argued it so much was because dude I was broke man. I was brand new in the city is my second-winged city. I probably had 300 dollars to my name literally and I was like man

I want to get a lap dance I shouldn't do it and you were like just back in doing You know like being a devil right so I'm like all right So I went and did it and then I got jet and I'm like I shouldn't spent that money and that's all doing that shit Whatever in my head. So this is the funniest part though They didn't let a smoke until I was up in that room But I was up in that room was when they put the ass trays out and was right after they passed a smoking ban in New York, but And again that huge argument you come over you give me the 20 bucks you ended I

Walked back to the table. There's an ass tray out, and you're smoking, and I go, how come they're letting the smoke in here? And you go, because they liked us until you came along and fucking hump. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- It's so funny that you bring up the the being broke man. I remember I don't know who has I mean when I moved to New York City Man, I remember I was so broke I had a token and $2 in my part. I know $1.50 or $2 something like that and I was I used to walk home from the Boston every night

To go over to aster place to get the train up to 97th Street and I remember I used to walk home from the Boston every night to go over to Astor or place to get the train up to 97th Street And I remember I used to every once in a while I would treat myself to this fucking chocolate covered pretzel in this little shit Diner over there. They had these big huge chocolate covered pretzels. Yeah, and every once in a while I would treat my that would be my thing, like my big treat. And I walked over, I saw it, and I knew I had a token, and I had the two bucks. That's all I had to my name. And I got the chocolate cover press on when I'm eating it. I go down to this fucking thing.

I didn't have the token. I remember that I didn't, the $2 was to get a token. I had a walk fucking 97 blocks. 97 blocks at like two in the morning. I was exhausted. I didn't even get on at the Boston. I was just hanging out. It was like that new to the city. I walked all the way up third half. But the thing that was weird is right when I got to 96 Street and third, this friend of mine walks by crossing the street we met at that exact when we were out of falling out And we met it like fucking four in the morning at 96 and third and I was like what's up? He's like what do you do? And we actually became friends again really? Yeah, it's fucking weird. There you go

It's kind of crazy, right? I think that's happened for a reason. I guess yeah, how much was the pretzel two dollars? It was a dollar 50 That's 50 cents dude. It was fucked up man like this was like the when you first move here to do this comedy shit. It was dude. You're so Fucking broke dude. I remember after being here for Christ dude like a year and a half maybe going to see Hellboy with Kurt and Jay Okerson when I was when I lived with Jay we went to see Hellboy and we went to TGI Fridays before and got lunch and I was able to afford both things and not be fucking

asshole broke afterwards and I was like holy shit I can't believe it like I can't believe I was able to spend $20 today and like not worry about it like that was and I still probably only had $500 in my bank account whatever it is you know, but it was like I feel like a fucking rich man dude. Well you know that's why like I was talking to somebody about like in the last maybe ten years why my weight's been more of an issue why I go up and down so much is that I can fucking go into any restaurant anywhere I want in the world and fucking get food. I don't have, I didn't have that option when I moved, most of my life I didn't have that option. I had to fucking get, you know, deli meats or whatever the fuck, little Chinese fucking lunch specials.

I couldn't go to get food unless somebody was taking me I mean even back in Beantown when I was doing comedy I used to date chicks that would take me out You know even Don when I first met my wife She'd be like I want to go to Fridays and be like I ain't get any money and they she take me I always have people take I just didn't have the cash There's someone move to York City. I didn't have cash But now I can fucking order whatever the fuck I want and that's that's like a kid in the candy store shit It's like I can just buy whatever the fuck I want So it's like, you know, yeah, I'll go get a fucking stake or fucking go to some fucking Chinese restaurant know to all of this

It is it is incredible man like because even now when I have I mean like this is the kind of business where you're gonna have money panics here and there and it's like even now when I have money Panics from like should I gotta get more work on the books I still take cabs and Get a sandwich every night on the way home and don't worry about it. You know what I mean? I'm like well now I can live my life. I can live how the fuck I want to live. I just, you know, I got to, you know, throw some more work down. And, you know, but those days where you're like, I literally have to go to McDonald's because I can buy three things on the dollar menu. That's it. That's all I can afford. Dollar fry, dollar coke. I've been taking a cab for the... I remember taking a cab, Masavya gave me $20 one night for doing a spot. He paid me. First fucking time

ever, and I got to take a cab home. And I was like in a fucking limousine, dude. I was looking out the window, I had fucking like Frank Sinatra music in my head and like you know fantasizing about I live there someday, I'll do it all that fucking homo shit You know what I mean? Just kind of lying back in the in the fucking cab limo going up to 97 sheet But I remember that I had to get out like a couple blocks before because I would not have money to tip the guy Right and I needed some money to get some food tomorrow. So it was fucking crazy man

Did party you the little party we like I could take a cab or Get 15 chocolate pretzel Subway was brutal man. Oh, it's horrible Especially that time at night you wait in 45 minutes and then the summer was at 110 degrees in the subway It's horrible. Dude. I used to walk from I Didn't go to Astor I when I lived in Harlem, I used to have to walk from the Boston over to Christopher Street and get the one and then get the fucking one dude from Christopher Street all the way to 137

through at like three, four o'clock in the morning. If you're trying to get pussy, forget about it, dude. Like you, like, like my dude, that's what's crazy. I was when I was broke and lived in Harlem I my Yeah, dude when I was like Harlem broke Do my game was so much better than it is now with girls because I had so many more hurdles I had to jump over to get late I lived on 97th Street in that shitty apartment with cockroaches my game was huge

I used to get chicks to blow me in doorways Downtown Because I knew they wouldn't come up town and I didn't want to oh they wouldn't want to come to my place So I just do like fucking get a we'd walk around the East Village and I would find these vestibules that you could Fucking kind of go down in and I just get them toibules that you could fucking kinda go down in and I'd just get them to suck my cock and those things.

Oh, yeah, I was big, you know what I was big on back then was the, was like the pair enough, like two chicks and two dudes. You know what I mean? Like I find a guy, like dude, come with me, wingman me on this shit. He said I knew I could split the cab with the dude. It's like he had the chicks back up there now

I'm like get the fuck out of here, man, you know like I'm slow. I'm solo But you got a fucking slam and pad now. Yeah, now I'm in a good spot. That was the best feeling ever dude It was the best feeling ever the apartment I live in now was the first time ever It wasn't first time I lived alone. I lived alone when I had a job in Texas But it's first time I lived alone in New York It was first time I lived alone in in years and when I had a job in Texas. But it's the first time I lived alone in New York. It was the first time I lived alone in years and years and years. And it's definitely the nicest place I've ever lived in.

And dude, the first time a chick went in there and went nice. Oh wow. Well, I was like, this is... Oh dude, you know what I'm doing? I love my wife, I love being married. I really do. I've never I love my wife. I love being married. I really do. I've never been happier. Right.

Okay? But if I was single right now with this apartment, with my shower, with that big king bed, and that plasma, and the plasma up here, dude, do you know? Do you know how much fucking box I would get? Yeah. How much fucking pussy I would get? Yeah, how much fucking pussy I get? For I'm in midtown Manhattan Okay, I'm fucking eight dollars in a cab in any direction. I get a fucking duplex

You get to go downstairs in my place. Yeah, and that shower five shower heads bench Fucking TV showered furiates me. Oh really nice so jealous of it this fucking brick wall alone, dude If I was a chick I saw that brick wall. I'd be it. Oh Jesus Christ. That'd be it. All right, so anyways, let's move on I actually wanted to talk to you about I have Twitter. Yeah Facebook my space. I don't even fucking use anymore but You have a Twitter account. You have a Facebook. Yeah.

Do you fuck with your Twitter? You know, I'm not that good at it, man. I just, I don't want to do that. Stop right there. Not that good at it. Exactly. Good at what? This is what fucking infuriates me.

There's people out there that expect us as comics to fucking quit in 140 characters to save something fucking funny every single time or to make them less. So they can look you know fucking I don't have the energy for it's like I like you know did the it's like I like picking my spots it's like if there's an opportunity to be funny I try to be funny if there's like I like picking my spots. It's like if there's an opportunity to be funny, I try to be funny. If there's not, I'm not fucking forcing it. It's like I don't feel like walking around

typing funny shit into the Twitter all day long. But the thing is, is that you forget that, you know, Twitter is a way to keep in touch with my fans, the people that like my comedy or like my acting, and want to fucking support that. And that's why I'm on there to let you know where I'm going to be, what I'm doing, and I occasionally say some fucked up shit or give my opinion on something.

Or, you know, sometimes I do my UFC picks and sometimes I'll, you know, put a video up there or a fucking photo, but it infuriates me when you get these fucking douchebags. First of all, they correct my spelling. This fucking bug. You know, and it's not even, I don't mind the fucking wrong spelling. I do mind that.

If you're literally reading it, it's the the where, weir, weir, two, two, two, you know, it's not that weird, stupid, or it's not that too. If you read the fucking thing and you got it, shut the fuck off. Okay?

You fucking spelling Nazi. You fucking really? I didn't go to fucking school. I was in Juvejeel. I went to high school. I had a guy lie and make credits up for me so I could fucking graduate high school You know what I mean? Can I just tell you how to spell yeah, please?

Yeah, yeah, I mean the word yeah You always write YA apostrophe like yeah Why why why H? What did I ever say? Yeah. Always, dude. You always text me and you write, yeah. And I always think you're saying, yeah. Like, what the fuck is he talking about? You know what? You're one of the people I hate. I fucking hope you die. Now, that one throws me off, dude.

I don't know what I mean. But you know what I mean. You know me. You know what I mean. That's so funny. Stop for one second. The fact that I'm smashing these fucking douchebags and you're one of them. We don't know what you mean. Burr red be a text from you one day. He's texting you a picture of a burger with an egg on it. Yeah. And he goes look what Bobby wrote me back and he's trying to read it to me legitimately he's not busted balls and he's going fuck ya dude he's reading all wrong and I go what

the fuck does that yeah I think he means yeah what is it again why E.A.H. please that's the only I all right W.E.A.R.R. is to wear clothes that's right W.E.R. apostrophe W.E. apostropheR is to wear clothes. That's right. W-E-R apostrophe. W-E- apostrophe. That's what I was about to say. Apostrophe E. No, no. W-E- apostrophe R-E.

Yeah, W-E- apostrophe R-E is where going to dinner. Yeah. And then where, like where it is, is W-H-E-R-E. That's right. Okay. I got it All right to the number T W O yeah, too as in two T O yep, and then Two me to me to is T O. Oh, that's right. I'm good

Stop fucking with me. I'm not you know it's you know Sometimes you fuck up too because you're typing on a fucking iPhone and it's spell corrects it and you with T-O-O. That's right. I'm good. Stop fucking with me. I'm out. You know, sometimes you fuck up too, because you're typing on a fucking iPhone, and it's spell corrects it, and you, I'm just fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I just hit the send button, and then you get these fucking cunts that, and there's people out there that follow you too, but they're not fans. They just follow you to beat, because they want to fucking catch you. They just want to, they just want to catch you make a mistake, they want to catch you say something not oh, yeah, yeah, they want to just be there to fucking correct you and

You are a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, some guy wrote to me the dance winner He goes for a funny guy your tweets are really boring and I was like Dude, I don't give a and then this fucking chick last night, I was on Red Eye last night. Three fucking tweets. One was like, Durosus on tonight, he'll say something horrid and then, like, have to apologize for tomorrow. I don't even know what that means. I will say something horrid. I've never apologized for it the next day anywhere. So I don't know what the fuck that meant. Then another one is like, it's like despite the fact that I think Joe's opinions are questionable. I think

he's kind of funny. Like this one chick kept barreling me and it's like, I don't get you. I don't get how you give somebody the fucking compliment and then you, but you trash him. It's like, just unfollow just Fucking follow you know why stop following me. You know why people get condiments than trash and vice versa Because they want because they can't they they come from the regular world where you have to play politics You have to play both sides of the coin everything's got to be diplomatic They're the people that like if they were in the room with us right now We got into one of our arguments. they would go, all right guys, everybody and we would both go, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? We team up in the middle of

an argument. I also think it's the fact that they're anonymous. You'll never know where they are. You'll never meet them. You never get to see them. We're not anonymous. We're out there. You know where we are, you know where I'm gonna be, you know everything about me. I fucking, I mean, that's the type of guys we are. You know, we tell, my act is all about me. I'm not making up fucking, little fucking jokes. I'm telling you the way I feel about shit

or shit that happened to me. We're out there, you can come see it. You're an anonymous fucking piece of shit in the middle of this fucking country of somewhere and you get to just type your little fucking critiques. I really, I just want to see one of them die. I want to see one of these guys get cancer not die but be dying and have them send me an email like, like dude I really bashed you I did this and that but I'm dying of cancer and I've changed my whole attitude because I'll fucking I'll go and I'll go to the hospital and I'll whisper in his ear I be like dude I hope you die I hope you die and I hope it's in your family and everybody gets it Jesus Christ. No I'll apologize about it tomorrow. Holy shit. If I don't like somebody don't fall I don't follow people I don't like. I

hear you and this is the thing it's like dude I love I love getting fan messages on Facebook. Fuck yeah. I love that shit. My space whatever it is like I love when somebody writes something nice to me. Right. It means the fucking world. Which is the majority of them. Yeah. Which is the majority. Which means the world to me. But what kills me is is like like that Twitter thing man you don't write anything funny it's like isn't it enough that you can fucking get to me at any moment of the day you can I am me you know what I'm online it's like what the fuck you're not doing you're not you're not you're gonna stand Twitter is brand new. It's 140 characters. We're not fucking professional Twitterers.

We're stand up comics. If you wanna see what we do, if you wanna see funny, you come to a fucking show. That's why I'm on Twitter. To let you know where the fuck I'm gonna go. Someone actually getting buss my balls about promoting my shows. That's all you do is promote your shows.

What the fuck do you think I'm on here for? You fucking idiot. That's the main thing. It's to let my fans, which you're not one of, apparently, to come see my shows live. Cause that's what I do. Stand up comedy. I didn't fucking get into the Twitter fucking comedy world.

Let me be funny. Cause some of these famous people get on there and they're so fucking witty and fuck. But I don't give a fuck. I laugh at some of these guys. It's all they do is fucking, all they do is fucking tweet jokes. That's cool. Right. But it's fucking, it gets annoying too. Right.

It gets annoying. I'd like to know somebody's opinion on something. I'd like to see a fucking photo once in a while. Something, you know, I don't know, something else rather that, or I'd like to know where the fuck they're gonna be, you know what I mean? Yeah, I just don't, I just don't have the energy for it. I don't give a shit. If you do it, it works for you, good for you,

but like, I don't care. It just comes out of that. I don't give a fuck. I don't wanna be online talking to people. I don't wanna do it. I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't do it. I don't do it. I don to do it. I don't do it. But trees fucking, trees thought, I think he canceled his Facebook, he just has his Twitter

now, somebody else runs his Facebook. Louis CK only tweets the what's going on and occasionally a drunk fucking rant about Sarah Palin. The certain guys at that point with it, you know, but again, you know, when you're up in a certain area or you know, it's like I love to people just fill my shows Because I wouldn't have to fucking I wouldn't have to promote this shit, you know But it's just not where you're at. No, I really look forward to when I'm able to like shut it all down and just Go to the website and that's it, you know, like I look forward to that. I really do. It's weird. It's weird again I love the nice messages. I really do. It's weird. It's weird. Again, I love the nice messages. I'm very appreciative, but it's weird when people can access you that easily. It's weird to me.

Like I don't... It's just a red all fucking new man. Yeah, they just have to write a letter and fucking lick the envelope, get a stamp, go take a walk, put it in a fucking blue box, double check, make sure it went down, and never get anything back. Never know if it got to them. Never know. That's it. That's the way you stuff do it. And then fucking ten years, it's all changed. Do you imagine having to sit and write replies to actual letters like, sit there and fucking write? No, they never did that either. They had fucking people do that shit. You just have companies that would fucking read your fucking

Your your mail and respond to it. They had to be some guys that did it though for real. I had to be I would actually be more depressing Because you probably get like one letter every year Because my fans would never take this like eight fans that would actually take the time to fucking write me a letter if that was the case Well, you know, they're fucking die hard so though, if they did, you know what I mean? I actually had fans send me birthday presents one year. Really? I had fucking them. Because first of all, unlike you, who's Mr.

uh... Ugh, and it bugs me. What? You throw yourself a birthday party every day. Yeah, it's nice. I don't fucking agree with it. I don't- what, listen, wait a minute. I throw myself apart.

You make it sound like I ran a space out and get hats and fucking noise makers. Kind of. I tell everybody, come to this bar, it's my birthday, let's get drunk and they do. Yeah, that's it. What's so bad about that? I've never had any fucking card, present present phone call from any of my friends ever. I always call you on your birthday. You're lying.

You never got me nothing. Did I, I thought I got you somewhere else here. Never got me nothing, never took me out. You, I mean, I would think the guy like you would actually, you know who actually did something for me? Who's the guy who runs Punchline? Dylan? Which San Francisco? No, Punchline magazine. Oh yeah, Dylan, yeah. He actually fucking one year, the year my seat two or three years ago when my CD came out, bought me a cake and celebrated a birthday at comics. That's nice. Yeah, it was really nice. I met, I knew the guy for two months, the guy actually fucking hooked me up with a cake, with my

CD cover on it, like a specialized cake. That's really nice. It's really nice. Oh, there you go. Well, there you go. What? I knew the guy, I've known the guy fucking two months. I dispute the fact that I didn't do anything for you for your birthday last year.

I feel like something happened. Let's just move on. You haven't. I'm putting it out there. My birthday is October 8th. Yeah, I'll do something for you for your birthday last year. I feel like something happened. Let's just move on you haven't I'm putting it out there my birthday is October 8th. Yeah, do something for you this year I'm just saying I've never had a surprise party. I've never had a you know a party. I'm gonna buy a little something nice I never had a surprise party. I'll say it again. I've never had a surprise party at a bar I never I'm just saying I'm gonna buy you a little something. Why, why, why? Am I a fucking party planner? You're all paid.

You do whatever you have for you. I just text people and they like me and they come. They come. I don't know who likes you. And who does it? What are you going to do here? You just said it. Nobody likes me.

If you threw me a party, it would be you. It would be you and my wife anyway. So you're just going to cut to the chase. You want to push me to answer you. Then I'm going to buy you a little sum this year. All right, listen. You're headlining this week over at Gotham Commie Club. Two shows tonight.

Two shows tomorrow. Three tomorrow. Three tomorrow. Shit. Funny guy. Thank you. Yeah, very funny guy. Except when you fucking do jokes about me. Thank you. And I appreciate you coming on the podcast and hanging out. I appreciate you having me, man. It's a fucking blast. You were out all fucking dangerous. What did you do? What is that thing? That's a fucking thing. That's a pocketbook holder. How does that work? You

push that down like that. I can't explain it. It's like a magnet. Well, on the radio, Joe. All right, sorry. Jesus Christ. Can you just fucking suck it? Very and perfect ending. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I get distracted. Well, you're supposed to be we're supposed to do this yesterday, but you couldn't do it today. Yeah, and you're the most neurotic person I know when it comes to clothes.

And when it comes to fucking wearing outfit, you have to ask a million, everybody's a pain in, you return shit all the time. You spend most of your day just going back and returning and getting new stuff. Yeah, I'm like my Nana, that's what my Nana does to get out of the house. I had I had two. To do it. I took the jacket out. I'm gonna wear it tonight. I took it to H&M because

I wanted to get ties for like cheap. I didn't feel like spending 60 hours on a fucking tie. So I went to H&M and I go which Jack, which time matches this jacket. I made a guy pick it out. We went through all the ties. then I went to two other stores tried shirts made the sales girls helped me didn't get anything then I went to Macy's with the ties made two different sales girls helped me put the outfit together then said these are the color jeans I have at home what do you think it had them tell me which jeans to wear and all that shit you got you you just you have a gay gene in you probably you do have a gay Called a cock. That's awful

It's just awful, but yeah, sir. So anyway, come out. I'm gonna I hopefully will look nice for you tonight if you come to the show that which I don't get either I don't know why you were in a tie on fucking stage because dude I look like you look good when you do the rock and rollie shit When you rock and roll I wear a t-shirt on stage, but it you do the rock and rolly shit when you rock and roll I wear a t-shirt on stage, but it looks kind of rock and rolly You know what I mean like I'm saying that sincerely. I'm not being a douche like it's it's and you look like what and you look good I look good on the like during the week

I do that I wear t-shirts and ship but on the weekends or from headlining and stuff I dress it up a little it I look better dude and also to my act is line and stuff. I dress it up a little, I look better, dude. And also to my act is so fucking negative. It helps. It helps to dress it up a little bit. I've actually felt bad after seeing your sex. Like, I just like leaving and I'm walking around and I'm just like, I don't feel good. Like, I just have to go home and nap. And then like, I want to buy things. Like just because I want to fill a hole. Like create you're a whole creator. Somebody trashed me the other day. Where was I was somewhere plugging my album and they were like what's it called them and I go the depression auction. And they just fucking teed off on me. They're like Jesus Christ.

Really? Sounds hilarious. Oh it was marina it was marina's thing yeah yeah it sounds really funny Joe alright great you know uh the uh... but yeah anyway come out tonight or tomorrow night to the gig i go see joderosa friday tonight two shows tomorrow three shows

at gotham comedy club uh... this has been the uh... fucking bob podcast bobcast you know what dude con la comunidad. Ah, este ha sido un podcast. ¿Bobcast? ¿Bobcast? ¿Y ¿No lo sé? ¿Y ¿No lo sé? ¿Y ¿No lo sé?

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