Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Joe List | Learned Behavior

Episode Date: March 12, 2023

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Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. Donde nadie pregunta de dónde viene, sino por qué no te viene. Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa en preno, conocernos y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos vía. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos. Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la dicción especial de Madrid nos liga. Un humenaje de de mao a Madrid. en todos tus dispositivos. ¡Plu-to-TV! ¡Ven a verlo sin pagar nunca! 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno, 3 por uno,

Esta es la 3 por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovechar todo el 3 por uno en medianas a domicidio solo pidiendo el line. 1... ¿Saparao? 3 por uno, 3 por uno... ¡Ah, no, no, no! ¡Dominos! ¡Pizza! ¿Sapará? 3 por 1, 3 por 1, ah no no no ¡Jominos! Pizza! Why can WDs back again? Old school back in the day We're all starting before them all

Why can't WDs podcast is so fun and crazy? And there's no rules Shut up, you're ruining this Break the bar game, I'm sorry It's comedy podcast This is an NPR That's the podcast done Is there any better show?

This is the original RGNM this is the original Rachel. What's up everybody, it's Robert Kelly. Welcome to another episode of YKWD. You know what, dude? And I am here tonight in the studio. I want to thank everybody on the Patreon watching live in the chat.

You guys are awesome. It's, and I want to thank all the people if you're watching this on Sunday for free. It's Dan G. Cox-Huckers. I want to thank you for checking it and just give me a favor hit the subscribe button Hit the like and comment you guys want to see people on the show something we're talking about Go right in that comment right there And if you want to become a supporter you can do that and watch live, get an extra YKWD, watch it, be in the chat with everybody. And that is at Robert Kelly.

What is it called? Patreon.com.sat.robercale. Bing, bang, boom. Five bucks, getcha in, I believe. And we switchin' a lot of things up very shortly on the Patreon, which will make it even better for you. So tonight, I got a very special guest, which I'm excited about.

One of my closest friends in the business, and one of the funniest people in the business, and I got to see it happen. He's playing the drums right now on his upper quad, Joe lists everybody. Here's a problem with you, is that you don't play the drums.

I play the drums a little. You don't. Yeah. No, you don't. Look at this. That's called Prison Drums. You know Tony Deo? Yeah.

Comedian. Sure. And has a record label now and I did the, my album that I recorded last night. But he's a drum major. He has like a master's in drumming. Right. And I really, I put a video on time where I was just

fucking like, blah, blah. And he was like, that's actually pretty good. Yeah, all drum, all real drummers say that to people who don't drum. No, some people can't do what I'm doing. Max has a drum, drumming last teacher, my drum teacher. And he'll come up and be like, dude, he did really good today, he's really good.

It's like, he's nine, I heard it, it's good. That's hurtful to your son. He's good, but he's not a drummer, you're not a drummer. I'm not a drummer. Okay, say that, that we can move on. I'm not a drummer, but I'm as good as you at drums. He was not as good as me. Let me hear your trips.

Dude, what do you mean trips? This guy doesn't even know the term. You mean triplets. Yeah. Okay, I didn't know the fuck. I didn't know what to call some trips. I call triplets, you know what trip is to me? I'm going over to Rubat the end of the month.

That's my trips. Ha ha, no, trip is you walking up the stairs. Ha ha, is you trip up the stairs? I got it. And I do trip up the stairs with church my feelings, because I didn't think people knew about that, but now everybody does. So thanks, Joe.

Thanks a lot for fucking telling people. I don't like it. Where's all the buddies? I have just to have two like lesser shitty comics that laugh when I say stuff. Yeah, they're over there. Where are they? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I got you three kids with autism to laugh at everything you say. I know, you always have nine kids texting me. Yeah. Who's the, I don't even see one of them. He's fucking full of speech. Oh, it's up I don't even see one of them. He's fucking full of He's all and he came out of a cave that he his family's been taking gold out of for years. Oh He's African no I think the June the Africans get the diamonds. Yeah, yeah, they do right? You know where I went today

Have you ever gone to the diamond district? I walked by there, but I don't walk in there. It's mental. The amount of jewelry and diamonds. You're walking by these. What'll re? Huh? What'll re? Jew. All re. I know. I wanted you to say it. Yeah, it's racist when nobody laughs. Well, that and I fucked up what you at your whole speech and then I didn't, yeah, I blew it. I blew it, but what happens in there? You go in there, you go in there and the left. You go in there and there's a bunch of jewelry.

Yeah, I think they're all of the persuades, so I think it's okay. No, Joe's Italian from Buffalo. He just, he really wants're all of the persuades. So I think it's okay. No Joe is a tie from Buffalo. He just, he really wants to be in the business. But Danny's gonna be Jewish. Danny's 100% Jewish. Yes. Yeah, he smells like mutzeball. Oh, that's too much, right Danny?

Not too much. Yeah, that's what I mean. He wants a mic so bad. We need to. You took my mutzeball. I said that about you the other day. Yesterday, I said you look like a mutzeball. I told you I'd have two three unfunny your guys Yeah, but he said you smell like one. That's different. That's way different

Yeah, those holes in Danny's pants are not for fashion Those are real just slices from wearing them so much Joe. I'm so excited. You made too you really want my I don't know how it happened Well We became I mean man you're one of my fucking closest people in life. Oh, that's sweet. You're one of mine You really are man. There's only like four people I talked to on the phone and you're one of them. Oh man That makes me happy. I talked around 20 because I'm popular and I have way more people that like me, but no

I don't know that's true. Let's how many people need text today? Okay, where's my phone? Can I my back? You're not a textur. That's you're gonna be I am a I'm becoming one okay I'm learning because I got I got Grammarly and Grammarly corrects your text fuck you all right Well, this is a little unfair because I did shoot a special last night. Okay, this is way unfair. So, but I got a lot. Okay. I got a lot. Okay, I got one.

Woo-hoo! I'm gonna smoke. Let's count them. This is unfair. Okay, one, two, okay. You go, you go and then I'll go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21. I don't believe this.

100% 22, 23, 24, 20, 24. That's today. This 24. I'll be here because no, because today, 1am. That's today. All right, we'll count that. 24. 26.

Some of these, your numbers are saved. It's okay. All right, we'll count that. 24. 24. Some of these, your numbers are saved. It's gotta be a saved number. Hold on. That's a text to a teacher. No, that's Mrs. Warren. Get out of here. Mrs. Moore, me, do we?

No, the bet is friends. Don't get right here. The bet is friends. Yeah, dude, thanks bro. That's my friend. That's not even saved, dude. That's my friend. Gotta be saved.

That's my friend. Let's do it. I have still be here. I'll still be here. I didn't shoot a special. That's my friend. That's not even safe dude. That's my friend. Gotta be safe. That's my friend. Let's do it. I have to be. I'll still be. I didn't shoot a special. That's my average day. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20,

21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27. Whoo, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33. All right. You're down, you're down. twenty two twenty three twenty four twenty five twenty six twenty seven whoo twenty eight twenty nine thirty thirty one thirty two thirty three three thirty five that counts thirty five yeah but you yeah that you can count Danny and second of all you shot a special last night that's a lot of congratulations it is this is but this is just this is no that's unsafe numbers and teachers good fucking uh... tomby Pope congrats on The bonfire hey, what about these oh you know you today was the first day of

The same thing exactly yesterday was when I shot my special yesterday was the first day was I shot my special 72 messages 72 yeah, those are good luck today was congrats today was Today was congrats, so So yes today I got 72 messages. I got back a C. I get Andrew from a goobies big J Paul my business Andrew's Macgoobies is business dude. What do you watch this business? He's asking you for a spot He wants to get spot somewhere. It wasn't beyond the bonfire But anyways, we're both very popular men. I check him with a lot of people. Oh, I can see Danny's needs weird very popular man. I check him with a lot of people. Oh, I can see Danny's knee. It's weird. I'll tell you what. Can I, here's the thing. Danny, I need, I need you to come over here with your

knee. Just come here. I need. Did we talk about his knee before? I don't know. It's yucky. I don't think so. Here's why he's knee. Very yucky. Stand there. Don't knock everything over your clumsy autistic body. Bring your leg up please and shut. Oh, God. His knee looks like a head inside of his pants. Yeah, it's the black hair with the pale. You can't wear needless jeans. Those are for Bon Jovi, not for a hairy autistic kid from Jersey. Yeah, you need to patch him up like Annie. Yes, what's her name again?

Annie fucking hat. Yeah, or for Danny. Annie Lieberman. Dude, you got to get rid of those. Yes, Annie who's what's her name again? Annie fucking yeah, or for Danny Annie lemma do you got to get rid of those or patch them up or shave you need three things shave them patch them or get rid of them. Yeah agreed or put a big nipple on it You can nobody's who shave all the way Yeah, no please or wax them. Yeah, do wax your legs. Listen, can I pay to have your legs waxed?

I can only afford your knees. But anyway, good close. More Patreon people. If I get 400,000 Patreon people this month, I will use that money to get Danny's legs waxed. Is that cool? All right, cool. 1,000 in a that cool? Yeah, all right, cool. A thousand in a month is a lot.

All right, 500. I didn't know you're gonna fuck away and neck the belly. I want his legs shaved. That's too many. It should be like, if you add three this month, you shave his legs. He's not going anywhere. He'll take it.

But yes, we're very popular guys, and we like to reach out. And we talk. We do, buddy. We talk a lot, and I love you so much. I love you. And you're doing great. You taped your special last night.

What's the name of the special again? I don't know yet, but I think it's gonna be called. That's a good name. I love that name because it's like, you don't know yet. I don't know yet. I think it might be called enough for everybody, which is a reference to a joke in the film, in the picture, in the, what's it called, special?

And I was thinking about calling it bare bones. You know, because it's just brick wall and no, yeah. Enough for everybody's probably gonna be the name. But I like- How about I don't know yet? I like, I don't know yet, it's a great name for a special. What's the name of your special? I don't know yet.

No, it's too confusing. I think it's gonna be, it's a great- Oh, I got it, I got it. Killbox 2. What do you mean? Name it Killbox 2. But that's like a sequel with a different star. Yeah.

They do that. Yeah, that's never as good. They did that, dude. They did it with, you know, like certain movies. No, I should call it the Godfather Part 2. Because that's a sequel that's better than the original. Call it Killbox Two. That's the same thing.

Sequel. Hey, that was a compliment. That was a dig on me. What did you go to the Jurassic Age? It's an elephant. Oh, okay. See? Can we get tight on this?

No. So this is the form. Is the show more serious? Can we get tight on this? Yeah. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Now, but I am gonna do like the regs again. Well, we'll all hang on. I just like the setup. We're redoing the studio and until we get rid of this board table that I created, which is awesome. I love this table and service purpose. I think we're gonna do more of a studio thing in here, with like a couch, maybe recreate the table downstairs.

Over here. I like that. I like that too, right? That was Juanita's idea. The gnome's wife came up with that idea. Yes, I just came from the table. It was fun. It was a road game.

It was me, Keith Robinson, and Marina Franklin. You mind if I call Keith right now? Call up Keith. He's going out to dinner. That's good. Go to dinner. You had a fucking two stroke.

He's with some pasta. He's with Ian Edwards and Marina. Oh, Ian Edwards is in the town. Oh, text me, shit. Oh, Jesus. Well, now you're calling. Yeah, I'll call him right now. I give them a fun fact. Ian Edwards and Marina. Oh, Ian Edwards is in the town. Oh, he texts me shit. Oh, Jesus, well, now you're calling. Yeah, I'll call him right now. And I give them a fun fact, Ian's Jamaican. And did you guys know this? Folks at home while the boy's making this call,

the Jamaican flag, the only flag that does not contain red, white, or blue. You can go ahead and look it up. I went through every single flag. It was like 250 countries. Yeah. It's the only only country Oh shit

I owe you money. I forgot why you trashin me to fucking Joe list Why tell marina to shut up why oh listen to her. Yeah, there you go. Shut up. Maybe five. How are you doing, Bob? You're doing good. Robert. Oh, God. I'm doing so good. All right. Listen, don't trash me. Are you not getting your money? How's that sound? All right. That sounds better. All right. Where are you going to eat?

Hey, you sound yellow, fellas. I got to go. You we're so old. We're so old. The fact that you let Marina say that and you last makes me sick in my stomach. I hope you choke on your pasta. I hope they have pine nuts and you're allergic to them. What do you say, evil shit? It took me a week to get over your last evil stuff. Stop it. What I say Hi goodbye, I'm sorry. Goodbye Really I'm getting cocky these things. Oh, whoops. Oops. These things Keeps up too quick. Um Joe listen to me. Yes. There's a thing with your new special, you just shot a special. Yes. A year ago, under. A little, a shot it in December, it came out in late April.

Okay, so what are you doing? What are you, I mean, how do you come up with a whole new fucking hour in a year? I don't know, it's three and under three years. I wanna know your process. I don't have a process. I'm afraid to talk about it, because it's like, it feels like a jinx.

It feels like I'm just lucky and if I don't know, I don't have a promise. What do you do? Do you wake up and just go write jokes? No, I don't. What do you do? I feel like I don't write that much. What do you do?

I go out. What do you do for a Klondike bar? What would you, you missed it? You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, try again. What would you do for a Klondike bar? No, you're way off. Don't you remember?

It goes, what would you do, you, you, you, you, for a Klondike bar? Yeah, sorry. Try it. What would you do, you, you, you, like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like Why do you like Glendig bars? I don't do anything. I want to know what you do. Well, I do, I don't understand how you write a fucking hour and a year. Well, I don't, I don't know. I don't know. It's like I feel like I don't know how it happens, but I do a lot of sets and then I just get sick of fucking saying the same thing quickly. Okay.

And so I'm like, let me come up with something else to say, because I can't say this fucking thing. Tell me one of the jokes that you love on your album that you came up with Tell me how I came up with it Well one is like I tell this story about the girl it's girl calling me ugly at a basketball game He's not I mean seriously me and don't talk about her. She's not a good person. What do you mean? I'm kidding She's a wonderful lady. Sometimes you mine old stories and I'm bad at bit recognition. Do you have this? Sometimes I'll tell a story for years and people are like, have you done this on stage? And I'm like, no, I never thought of that.

Like I'll be saying the same thing over again. Yes. If you don't do that on stage, I'm fucking kill you. I'm fucking kidding. I'm a fucking hurry. But Colin, sometimes a lot of times, Colin will tell me, him and Louie have this something in common. They both go, that's a bit. And then you do it and it just, it just eats shit.

Yeah, I know. I know they both have that. And it's, because they've, Colin has set me down a path of destruction many a night. Yes. That's a good one. And then you go on stage and they're looking at you

like you're an asshole. And then I keep trying it for like a month and it never works. Louis, I one time said we were hanging out and I did the silly joke that I've been doing for years and I think someone else might have done it first. I said, it's with the Wizard of Oz has a song about Bill Cosby.

Cosby, Cosby, Cosby,by Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby Cos and he's like, you gotta do that on stage. And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? You want me to do Cosby Cosby? It's like, it's the silliest thing I've ever heard in my life. I had a joke that I did. Oh no, do you have this bit? No, I had one where I did it at the table,

at dinner with Rich Foss and all the other seller comics and gnome and his wife. I went and Rich Foss is so logistical. Everything is about me, me, me, me, me, me, me. And they were like, what? That's not bad. It doesn't make sense. I go, he's an opera singer, get it?

They were like, no. It's not bad. It's bad. It's bad. It's not great. It's not great. But, so anyways, I had this story about when I was in high school. This is true I would I would be like I would start the chance. I was like the

Yeah, yeah, I'm more like go defense or whatever and a girl from the other school started chanting you are ugly Oh, yeah very hurtful. That sucks and I literally this is all true. I was like, I wanted to chant, no he isn't. That was like my idea. But immediately before I could start the chant, my school started chanting, so are you. Right. Which like nailed her, but they kind of included me in it. Like they agreed that I was ugly.

But that's like a real story. And I always thought about it, it was true. And I just never thought to do it on stage. So then I did that on stage. How do you punch it up? Explain to me how you punch it up. I mean, basically I just say it like that. And then one way I punched it up,

I shouldn't be giving away all these bits that are going to be in the special. But I mean, one way I punched it up was like, I started saying, like, work, you know, on stage, you work kind of loosely. And I was like, we had a great girls basketball game. And I saw a couple people make this face like, oh, girls. And then I said, well, back in the 90s, it was girls, now it's women's.

And then it just came into my head. I was like, in the 80s, it was called KUNTS basketball. And they looked upset, but everyone out, it hit, huh? Right, yeah. So it's like, oh, there is a joke. And it just kind of came from. Bing, bing, bing, I'm fucking around. So it's like, oh, there is a joke. Right. And it just kind of came from Bing, Bing, yeah. And fucking around.

So I think you just try to work lose especially these city spots, which by the way, this is what the seller, as you know, is supposed to be, is fucking around and trying to come up with material for when you go on the road. Now I understand I'm coming from a place of privilege in that I'm pretty well fixed in here.

And newer comics feel like they have to kill. They have to stay in. They have to stay in. But now people want to get the reels and they want to kill. And so it's a fucking kill session down. It's a hard thing. You know, I talked to Noem about this. Like, there was, like, I, you know, I have,

I do that hour over there, right? And I have, like, the young bucks go on in front of me. And I was in, I guess there was, like I, you know, I have, I do that hour over there, right? And I have, like the young bucks go on in front of me. And I was, I guess there was a thing one night where somebody complained, one person, like, what the fuck? And I was, and I talked to Noam, I'm like, Noam, there has to be a place for young comics at the seller to grow and become better, to get on the seller stage, gives a comic confidence, gives them something they need

that they can take over to the other club and whatever club. And I just work this room in front of these people and you need that and you also need to be able to fuck around. Yes. And come up with new material. Because look, it's not a headline spot. It's a, it's a, it's a showcase set.

Right. But the problem is if we all just did new material to show it's a showcase set. Right. But the problem is, is if we all just did new material to show it's stink and nobody would come. But don't you think though that a lot of times, it's like, when you're trying new, I remember like a club owner one time in Calgary, this lunatic guy said to me, he's like, you're doing all this new stuff.

He's like, I need you to kill. Yeah, I know. And I'm like this, well, I want to kill more than you want me to kill. Like as much as money as you have invested in the club, this is my, this is, it's me up there. Like I'm trying to do well. My jokes just didn't hit.

But my point is I feel like even if comics are trying new, if they do enough new that just bombs, they're gonna be like, all right, let me do a couple. Like comics wanna do wells. Yeah. Well, like a comic's gonna go up and just straight bomb. Maybe like the huge guys. Well, today was the first time I felt

since my special, honest to God, my set at the pussycat was the first time I felt, let me just talk to these people. Let me just hang out. I had a couple of moments, but you're right. Like I have a joke about the tiny house. And it's just what happened at the tiny house. And I fluff it up at the beginning and the end.

And I add a, I don't know, what a storyline through it or a psychology about tiny houses. This is, you know, blah, blah, blah. Tiny houses are for these people, not for my family. And here's why, and here's what happened. And then take them to the story, and then I love the detailed tags that you,

and I can add that, and that joke wrote itself. It's really like songs. When someone says, dude, that song took me five minutes, and it made them a gazillion dollars. I really wish that jokes could be bought single like a song. You know what I mean? I always think that I've had this discussion with Norman before where he's like, I love a bit where you just, you got to toy with it and tinker it and then you figure it out and I'm like, well, isn't find nature that

not a great joke? If you have to keep, I like jokes that's like, something just happens, you're like, oh, that's perfect. And of course you add to it always. Yeah. Like I always think of the joke. Sometimes like, this is an old joke of mine. I was hanging out with Ray DeVito,

who I just saw, and I was hanging out with him one time and I was like, God, I fucking hate my teeth. I'm so self-conscious. And he goes, just get crest whitening strips. And I was like, no, I meant that they're crooked. And it was one of those things where you're like, I don't even have to add anything to this. That's a perfect bit just happened.

Yeah. Where you're like, oh, I guess my teeth are also yellow. And you know, I had that happen one time too. I said to a guy, you look like me and he went, oh, and then the only thing I had to write was I didn't mean to hurt our feeling. So it's like, a lot of times things just happen. You're like, that's a fucking perfect.

And then from reps, you're just adding things to it or you feel like the rhythm, much like drum, you know, you and I are drummers. So. You're not, Joe. What is that? What's that? That's the downbeat.

I love you. Fucked up teeth make a good hi hat. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. But so that was hurtful. You know, I was raving on yours. You have a great teeth.

Rips and then you feel like, and I listen to sets. That's the other thing. I listen to sets. This is the main thing. Oh, bad. That's the main thing I do. What do you mean?

That's what I do. That's the real secret. I hear this thing and you're right, I wish I did my hour now. I really do. Two reasons, I'm literally a human smaller. And every time I don't want to post clips of my special because I'm a fucking tub of shit.

Right. It's just so tub of shit. Right. It's just so like, wow. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't need you to agree with me. I understand. I understand the feeling. I understand the feeling. Don't go, yeah.

Yeah. And look down at the ground. Understand the feeling that you. He's priced. You didn't feel good. Okay, I didn't. So then, but the set is better now. Like I've, I've had to do it on the road

and start to push old stuff out. And like I don't have to do a bunch of jokes on there now. But, you know, there's so much better now. Like certain jokes in there are so much better now. And I'm like, fuck, dude, I coulda, I coulda, if I just waited a little, but it is what it is. You move the fuck on. And now I got, I got have, I could have, if I just waited a little, but it is what it is. You move the fuck on and now I got, I got like maybe four new jokes

that I'm really happy about. But tonight, when I went on at the pussycat, I mean, I woke up this morning. I don't know if you've ever done this. I woke up, I'm doing, I'm just doing this. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna talk about this. And I talked about the my six fats.

And I was like, I'm gonna talk about the first fat. How, what was my first fat? And what was my second fat? What was my third fat? I'm just gonna go through these fats that I've been through in my life. And was it crazy, funny, holy shit, but there was one thing that happened

where I was like, oh my god, that's a bit Right I got it. I got a bit out of it now. I got to go back and Begg Liz to give me the fucking tape and then and listen to it. That's the hard part Yeah, it's because it's immediate. I got what I wanted. I did it awesome But now I got to go back and try to recreate that moment this week in fucking side-spotters.

Right. No, that's the hard part and it's hard to listen and all that stuff, but listening, because I find, don't you find when you're watching a comic in general, which I don't want you to a lot of comedy, I'm sure you don't either, but when you do want your comic, you're like, oh, you should say this.

Or you're like, he's gonna say that. Or you're like, oh, it would be funny if you said this. This is what I was thinking. So that same thing happens when you listen to your own set. Yeah. You're nanochomic listening to a comic being like, oh, there needs to be something there. So it kind of gives you, and Gullman gave me the best advice ever. For me, I'm not the best advice ever, but very good writing advice. He said, it's so hard to just start writing to like sit and be like, here we go. I'm writing because you, I don't know, you're probably the same as me. I'm not, I can't and be like, here we go, I'm writing. Cause I don't know, you're probably the same as me.

I can't just be like, whoo! Ah! You know, so it's like, but he's like, you can hit play on a set. And once you hit play, you are writing. You've begun the process of writing. If you're listening to yourself, you're writing.

And I find I can't even get more than 10 minutes, cause four minutes in, I'm already pausing, being like, wait, I should be saying this. you have to start thinking about other things No 100% every time I've listened to a set of my eye I get something amazing out of it, but I can't I can't It's like that feeling goes away and I have to it's like working out It really is like going to the gym. I go to the gym, I feel fantastic. Yes. I feel so good. And I could take on the world, but that hour, 20 minutes,

even five seconds before I start, it's like fucking this sucks. It's brutal. It's brutal. I'm the same way, there's a diet, exercise, meditation, therapy, all these things, which is so reluctant. You have to unwind all these fucking habits. Yeah, it's brutal.

You know what I got that helped me out with my writing that really did help me out? I want you to pull out a dildo so bad. It would be so great. I had a dildo in my bag today. And your butt today? No, my bag, not my butt. I can't put a dildo in my butt, it's too much.

I've tried too. My ears pop not my butt. I can't put a deal to my butt, it's too much. I've tried too. No, my ears pop, it sucks. It sucks. It's a bit. That's the other thing is hanging out with comics. This, right here. E, it's a notebook. Oh my god.

It's an E notebook. You can put a million fucking notebooks in here and name them. And then you can also add pages. What's that mean? You already take photos of your notebook? No, dude, it is a notebook. This is an actual notebook.

My problem is that I get a notebook, I do a joke, and then I put another joke after it, but I need more room for the, and then we get all confusing and discombobulated. And I found this e-nope-exupernote. There's another one called Remarkable, but this one's actually more durable. And there's not, like if I do an iPad shit,

I'm off looking at snake videos or some two Filipino guys making a house out of clay. You know what I mean? This, you never watch those videos. No, really. Not a big video, okay. Did we see a muck-luck video? Muck-luck?

Is that what it's called? Muck-luck mukbang. Muck-bang with an Asian girl eats like 90 pounds of seafood. No. Did you have to sit in a fucking red sauce? No. There I'm going to. Yeah, I don't like that.

Dude, why, you racist? Yeah. Okay, cool, I didn't know that. That's good. So look. I have all my notebooks in here, dude. And that's your handwriting? That's like it saves it.

Yeah, it's my writing. These are all my notebooks. I got all these fucking notebooks in here. Wow. The web is you lose this though, is it backed up? It backs up on Google Drive and my phone. So I have it on my phone too. So you can just, I mean, dude, you can't fuck around with this.

Isn't this great? You can draw on it. I do drawings and shit like that. Wow. New bits. I mean, dude, this thing is save my butt because I'm writing a joke, right? And then all of a sudden, you put another joke after it

and you're like, fuck, I wanna go back to that joke, but there's not a page. I have so many notebooks that I have to get a new notebook. Fuck it. This at a page. Just go as much as you want. This is amazing. Isn't that great?

Look at that. Are you selling these after shows? No, I'm not, but I should. This company, you got them. They won't get me shit, but it's a great company. It's a super note You see I think all comics should have one of these that I'm buying everybody one great. I'm joking. I'm not buying them. No thing I'm gonna get him pants before I get him a super number All right, well listen. I want to ask you some questions here All right, so you got the special coming out now Now this is the same way as last time, same guy.

Same guy, Jason Katz, two buffoons is the name of the production company. They're fantastic. Okay, they named it, not me. I don't know. Yeah, no, I know Jason, good guy. Yeah, great guy, great guy, very thorough. And he does a good job and I'm just putting on the YouTube.

I'm trying to build the YouTube channel, fuck, just trying to send it to people and getting rejected and all that shit. Yeah. I'll just put it on my own thing. The other one's gonna hit two million this week. Sabemos lo importante que es sentirse acompañado. Por eso en Caixa Bank ahora cuentas con un préstimo para hacer realidad tus ilusiones. Solicitalo desde el móvil o a través de tu gestor. Informa tencaishabank.es. Caishabank, tu y yo, nosotros. Siempre que se mantenga las de circunstancias económico financieras del solicitante en el momento de la solicitud. Las últimas tendencias en botas, comodidad 10 de los desde 29 con 99. Daishman, mucho por andar.

¿Eso es como 100,000 a a month ish and uh... Hundred thousand dollars? No. Oh. Almost zero dollars, but a hundred thousand views. Christ, I was like, Jesus Christ, I fucking want my Lui, I shit I want my YouTube. No, no, I got it like, yeah, it's like my page does okay. Great, okay.

The views are going up and uh, it's nice, it's nice you just have your channel there. Are you worried about having the same place? I'm not really, it's funny because I was like, all right, this is like a trilogy. I'll just do these three. And it's like a trilogy of the village underground specials. And then last night I was shooting it. And part of me was like, I don't just do it here again.

It's like the materials different. I don't know, like the worst thing that could happen is people right on YouTube, oh wow, the same special again, same place again. And it's like, well fuck them, it's just the material. So, I would like to do a bigger space, but I like, it's a home club, they first of all, they split the door with me,

which is nice, and Liz is running it and kicking everyone's ass, which is nice. Liz is the best and kicking everyone's ass, which is nice Liz is the best. She is the best and the seller really treats comics right. Yeah, it really are great and it's nice Because it's like you can hang in the back. It feels loose. Yeah, I'm a wings and it looks cool So what I get next one we'll see but Yeah, I don't know I just I really like it. I feel very comfortable there. I also like the I don't like it to be too like Serious and like whatever. It's just like hey, we're just down here. We're in a boat. I want to shoot my next one at the pussy cat Maybe yeah, who the la I kind of like it the Moroccan feel the laughs are great, right? The room is it's just I love it. it. It's become my favorite room. Yeah.

And when you put fans in there, there's nothing better. Yeah, it's a sexy room. I love it. I mean, the seller was always my dream, but it's been done. Right. I mean, what the fuck? Who's that?

I don't know. It's a good stuff for us. I know if it's Keith, it's gonna take him 20 minutes to get up here. No, he went out to dinner. Maybe it's CQ. Oh my God, that'd be great. What is he here?

What's he here? Jerry Doody. Oh, for what? He's downstairs. Okay. Speaking of CQ. Oh my God, that'd be great. What is he here? What's he here? Jerry Doody. Oh, for what? He's downstairs. Okay. Speaking of CQ, Fourth of July, how's it doing? It's still out there, you're doing it? Are you done with, like with a project like that,

it took a long time, a lot of your life. You and Louis really, you know, spent a lot of time doing it. You did it, you promoted it, and now what? Is it done? Are you moved on? Are you still promoting it? I don't know, I guess. I'm not really promoting it much, but who's that?

Did you get more tea? For my own produce of ruined my podcast with a buzzing sound. For me, with Camel Meal? You did this and looked at it. Just getting a big, great tea. Amazing. I didn't mean to look at you. Just get him a big, a great team. Amazing. I didn't mean to look at you.

I was just trying. But now he's blocking the shot. Wow. You are fucking an uff. How hilarious. This is amazing. I mean, feed him your favorite. Just get a bigger team next time.

Like a large D. This is like unbelievable. You don't have to buzz the buzzer. By the way, I'm sitting there being like, maybe it's Colin Quinn and then Dan, he comes in. You're like, I know. I thought it was Keith, you said Louie, all of a sudden they look over and fucking old cross-eyes

is staring at him. Oh, now I feel back, I don't know if he's crying or laughing, because anyways. But yeah, I don't know. I guess we should promote it more. Someone said we should make it rentable. I haven't brought it up to Louis yet.

I'm like, oh, god damn it, my asshole. How are you gonna do? Would you cut your little fingers? No, there's a little hole here. I'd like to let out the steam, you know? So, now, are you gonna make it? Do you have something else in the can? In the works, you mean?

In the can? I think we shot a movie, it's in the can. I use the wrong word. Yeah. Yeah, do you have anything else in the works? In the works. Do you have anything else in the fire pit? In the, oh, I like that.

Do you have anything, how is this one? Do you have a radio show called The Fire Pit? No, it's The Bond Fire. And it's Barely Mine. It's Jays. And it was Dan's, but now I've been there for two days It's fucking great show though. Yeah, I love that show. It's so crazy. I can't wait to do it with you Do you have anything else in the on the skittle? No

How about this one? Yeah, ha just a good one. I love it if you never let me answer if you You have anything else on the drag strip drag no, how about this one? you have anything else on the drag strip. Drag strip. Nope, how about this one? You have anything else in the waves? No. You got anything else on the canvas? I like that. But the canvas would be paid.

It would have to be on the... All right, what's the thing you hold? That's an easel. No, the easel's the whole thing. That's called a... Palette. Palette. You have anything else in the palette. I like that

I gave you something else on the palette. Hey, you get anything else in the on the super note I got a few colors and I'll care for the super note. You you don't like it. I do. I like it. Okay. Go get one I like it. I'll get one. Okay, um, they'll send me one if they send you one. I will fucking steal it from you No, I mean I had it. Look and I talked about an idea, but you know, he's all over the place. I'm all over the place. And then I started writing something with Ron on, but the thing about writing something with Ron on is you got to be around Ron on. Yeah. Yeah. That's a hard thing. Yeah. That's a hard thing. No, I'm just, yeah. So we were trying to work on something, but it's hard because you're always running around. You know, you got gigs

and the things and the business. Yeah. And then it then it's so hard to, so no, is the short answer. But I'd like to make more. And I've gone a couple of additions and I'm doing a few shorts with some comics that are making things. I hate, I think I'm done with auditioning, dude. I think I'm like Tom Segura, I'm finished. I'm good with the podcast, I'm doing the bonfire. I have a couple projects

I'm working on with people. If they go, they go. If they don't, I'm hoping they do. One of them is one of them might and you know, hope they do if you know, you can only with this stuff. You don't know, but I'm dude auditioning sucks. Even voiceovers. they send you the thing, you read it, now it's awesome, you just do it on your phone, and then you don't get it. This should be, I tell you what, the you, you should, if you're gonna make me fucking audition,

I should get paid. Hey, that's not bad, like a pot pay. I should get at least 500 bucks or not audition. I was just like 50, but either way. Dude, yeah, what is it, the fuck, that 30s? Well, just like something for your hey, hey go lasty his $50 in a bowl of soup 500 feels high They got a lot of people on dude sag minimum is

$750 right for the one that guy that gets it for the one day for a day player. Okay. How about this 150 bucks? Okay, 100 hour getting. Yeah. Why did you become sag and not the artist? Well, I just doesn't think that this is a good thing. Why don't you, yeah, but you're on my side. I am, but it's trying to be sensible. Yeah, but you should go high and then bring it down. Yeah, I know. When they go high, we go low.

I'm trying to, this is how you mend fences. This is how you negotiate. The idea, if they have one part, they audition 75 people. They got that 75, they get 500 bucks. Max, you're the industry. I'm gonna negotiate with you. Ready? Make me an offer.

I want money for my auditions. I'll give you like $30. I want $1,700. We can do like 500. Good, I'm in. 10, 10, 10, 10,, how much? I just want to help you out with this. I'll tell you what would happen. They wouldn't just send it out there. They go to the fucking guy they want

and go backwards from there. Exactly, they wouldn't. Stop wasting our fucking time. You don't get Jake Gyllenhaal, it's definitely- They wouldn't waste your time. You wouldn't get an audition anymore. We wouldn't get auditions. Fine. Good.

We would not get auditions. And in order to say, wouldn't get my feelings hurt and my self-esteem ripped out of my fucking hand I just had it. I had a beautiful day with my family. I had a great night. We come back I get the audition for my I got to go on a shed in rehearsal lines now. I'm away from them Where's dead? He's out and he's pretending at a high level in a shed right now, right? And then then the next morning I got to do this thing. My wife's like, now try it this way.

I like the bed of that way. And then you send it to them and never hear again. So six hours of my life, I never get back. Fuck you, give me a hundred bucks. It's horrible and I think, a hundred bucks, there you go. We're back. Now you negotiate a me down. That's good.

You're a piece of shit. Honey, what makes sense? But I agree, it's hard. I think a piece of shit. How do you work? It makes sense. But I agree, it's hard. I think, and I had this conversation with someone recently, it's like, if you're gonna go on auditions, it feels like you have to make that your thing. But I have this all the time.

I'm on the road, and I'm like, all right, let me just throw something together. I don't know. But other people I think have on, because I've been on the other side of it when we made the movie. Some people have like little studios in their house and a thing.

And so much of auditioning too, as you know. And I really got to live from casting the movie. People have like little studios in their house and a thing. And so much of auditioning too, as you know, and I really got to live from casting the movie is like, you turn it on and I'm like, what? No. Like as soon as you look at the guy, I think about this when we casted Uncle Kevin who'd Apollo ended up being the part. It's like, they sent like a 75 year old guy who's like,

what the, and I'm like, no. That guy is five days to live and you took fucking one of them because you guys are assholes. Who me? Well, whoever cast, whatever casting director called 75 year old guy that's not getting the part just so they can fill a quota. It's like, listen man, stop it.

Just, what I say is this, every part I ever got, the people you're a great actor, Bobby, why don't you do more? Because I have to audition, and they know who they want. Okay, all the shit I got was given to me by people who know that trust me and want me for it. And I pull off the job. So go get the people you want.

And if they don't work out, and the next guy doesn't work out, and you get all the way down to Gary Busy, and he doesn't work out, call me. I'll jump in. I do think sometimes it's justice. I do think sometimes. You seen that show? What? Pet just? Yes. Gary Bucy has a show. You have to watch it. It's on Amazon. I believe called pet justice. He's a judge like judge Judy, but it for pets. Oh, it's like reality. Dude, it's reality, but I think overproduced and he's out of his mind. Sorry to segue. Go ahead. I think overproduced, and he's out of his mind. Sorry to segue.

Go ahead. I think sometimes it is on these people, like I get like a part for like an NYPD cop. And I'm like, I'm not a cop, there's no way. There's no way what audition am I gonna get? I can't be a cop. I'm a guy who calls the cops. Here's the worst thing.

Hello. Hello. You know what I'm like I was calls the cops. Here's the worst thing. Hello You know, we got with a gun in his mouth Here's a problem with it when you get a sorry that touch you when you go free When you get what was that you bringing up was that just yeah, let's patch up play I know watch this just see it It's really fucking great play one quick little commercial of it. It's amazing how much stuff is One quick little commercial of it. It's amazing how much stuff is on your head Okay, god Danny Let's get chick. Oh see the fucking man a wood dude close that box Those like Tara Pacheco. Danny get that ad-o. This isn't reality. This is a show.

This is a show. Yeah, I thought it was like a reality thing. It's reality show. I said it's produced reality. He looks like a like a hot older chick. Anyways. I mean, a hot, but. Here's my point with this and we'll move on is that. This is tremendous. As a, don't give him accolades. That's the last thing he needs. I got him at a point where he's gonna shave his knees

and we gotta keep him there. I hope you burn your bottom lip. So when they get apart, I got a part two weeks in a row that were forgot, got in his 50s from Boston. I didn't book that. So that sucks. Some really good actor from England got it. Hello.

Hello. I know, but dude, it's like, look at if you want me, I think I'm almost done. It's like if you want me, you want me, I don't, you know, I don't wanna do this fucking game anymore. I can do it. Here's the thing. Additioning is its own art.

Yes. If you gotta do it, you gotta go learn how to do it again. And I've been there. I've actually auditioned well when I'm in, I have nothing else. Well, you had a great audition for our movie. That's why you got it, you know. That's not true.

You gave it to me. I didn't even audition. I know I'm joking. Louis never auditioned me for anything. No. Is that crazy? I love it. Anyway, so.

Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do. I think we gotta try to push it. We should push it more. I forget. You move on. You start pushing specials and everything. Yeah. But, yeah, hopefully more people see it

because a lot of people did not see it. You seem happier. Very mean in life. Yeah. Oh, thanks. You seem less anxious. You seem... Oh, thanks for noticing.

You do, man. You seem happier. You seem stronger. Your base is stronger. Well, I've been lifting weights. Well, not that. You look good. Matt, I mean, you look the same physically.

No, people think that. I got to switch her up. No, you 100% look the same. Like, since the day I met you... No, you, I mean you look the same physically. No, people think that I got a sweatshirt on. No, you 100% look the same. Like since the day I met you. No, you're crazy. Buddy, your hair hasn't changed a whisper. Beautiful. You got nice hair, dude.

Beautiful. You got to queues that hair. But hair, good teeth, I got it all. I mean, that's like you carried away. Listen, lying is a sin. No, I feel good. I feel, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're really great, man.

Your energy's been great. Your confidence is great. And my blood pressure and cholesterol are horrible. What are you gonna do about that? I don't know. I guess I could take medicine. Yeah, they wanted me on pills, man. That's why I was like, I'm out.

Why I got to surgery, they wanted me. Dude, they tried to get me inject my stomach with a needle for diabetes. And, you know, because what happens, these doctors, I'm not gonna say, they're great. Doctors are great. I'm not fucking trashing doctors, but they do have, like this drug company is like, hey, you sell these, you get a little kickback. Yes. So if you get a fat guy come in, get him to use this. It will help him.

It's going to help him. But, you know, we'll make a shitload of money off as insurance because of this. I actually said, no, I'm not going to do it. And I went and got the surgery. And now all those symptoms are gone. Everything's done. Blood pressure's down.

Every, my cholesterol's down. Everything's my liver's not as fat as it was I get the surgery no you if you got the surgery you die you'd be dead in three weeks no I'm trying to know I'm drinking camomile tea instead of green tea late at night two camomiles thanks for old DB if you think I'm again I'm gonna fire him he's the best I he's not the best you switch seats he's okay you want to switch? Okay, you want that? No, no, I'm gonna look joking, I can't. I'll let this fucking starry-eyed,

fucking weirdo sit right next to you. But I'm trying to do so. I'm doing the fasting and then meditating more and doing more cardio and I'm trying to, that less fries and pizza. You do eat you. You and my, I know a couple people like you. Dane, you, my friend, Brendan, you eat like a 10-year-old.

Yeah, horrible diet. Yeah. It's bad. I didn't get taught you. It's all learned behavior. It's learned behavior. Okay. In Jellin, we all know how to learn behavior.

I was like, I mean, you want to, you want to fuck them, do it, do it. Okay. Yeah, well then leave her. Get a divorce. I'm kidding, Madonna. Okay. Yeah.

So yeah, I'm trying to do those things, but blood pressure also, some of it's just a hereditary. I'm just wired fucked up. Like even when I like meditate and wake up, I mean, it's still like a little high, it's a tick high. Yeah, I actually, when I went in for a thing in Tampa last time I was there, or two times ago, and it's a place they do a scanty body and they tell you, if you're like over a 400, you're

fucking gonna go to the doctors. Calton went, he was at 2,200. Oh, Jesus. So we literally went from there to his cardiologist. You had to just go in and get checked. I had an 11. What do you mean, 11 out of 200 or something? 11 out of everything. Wow.

I mean, 11. So I was like, you know, and that's directly because of what I'm doing. Right. Working out, lifting weights, eating right, and you know, and then my surgery, you know. The diet thing is so hard, because you know what, again, it's like habits.

You just get into a thing of like, ah, pasta, I don't wanna eat anything, so not the pasta's like horrible, but it's not great. I got into fucking pretzel, peanut butter pretzel barrels. That sounds like, are they amazing? Don brought them home one time.

I'm like, I can have those, because I'm, you know, I had a fistful, and then every night I'm going, and then I was getting a fit, that was my thing. Oh, and then I'm like, I can have those because I'm, you know, I had a fistful and then every night I'm going, and then I was getting a fit, that was my thing. And then I'm having milk and then I was eating them during the day and then I was waking up in the middle of the night, getting a little fistful. I'm like, I'm out.

This is my addictive, you talking about habits. I form a habit around, this is what I do. It's like, I was like, I'm quitting sugar and carbs for the month. I'm just getting them out of my system again, as much as I can. You know what it is, it's high cooking. I don't know how to cook. I don't want to cook. And it's hard because you're like, what can I get?

Sarah, didn't you have a wife? Yeah, she cooks a little, but she's busy. I'm busy, schedules, and then you're on the road half the time. So, it's a classic, like, cliche thing. To eat well on the road, you gotta go to like a fucking nice restaurant to get sandwiches with salad. You don't. What do you mean?

Where'd I go? Kava? Supermarket. All you gotta do is get the hotel room. Nah, dude, you get a supermarket. This is what I figured out. Cause I was like, I go on the road. The stupid food channel fucked me, you know, 15 years ago.

Cause I'm like, I travel. I should be eating the best ramen and the best Korean and I should be going to these cities and eating the best food that they have to offer like that fucking redneck with the dyed hair. No, I don't. Who's the redneck with the dyed hair? I got three guys.

You've been paying attention over there. Not even looking over here. They're bored. The redneck with the dyed tips. Is this episode suck? Guy feery. Oh, dyed feery. No, it sucks when you say it sucks.

And it's good if you say nothing and just keep going. Well, I think it's good, but I looked over. I'll throw you some buddies. They're working. He's editing. He's producing and Danny has fucking autism. What do you want me to do? You saw, I probably saw a hair on a place on his knee.

I was trying to fix it. i'm not trying to fix it i'm not trying to whatever i'm having a nice conversation i look up there's just three sleeping girls over there look at them in the eyes guys i want to curtain up in front of your faces from now on i told you god thank god mish wasn't here it looks like that's a after a mish looks like a mish looks like a seal that's just about to be beat by a club

what is mish is m okay? He's awesome. Moosh is great. So you have four guys working for you? Well, I don't know. We're gonna fire three of them. Please. Yeah, I got three in mind right now. So when I was saying to you, I was saying that you go, okay, so here's what I figured out. Oh, you go to the grocery.

You don't need to, I don't need to eat meals. It doesn't need to be eggs, bacon, and omelette, and then lunch is a sandwich with soup, and then dinner is a salmon with this. I am eating to when I'm hungry. I would go and get chicken salad or tuna salad, right? I would get a whole turkey, or I'd go to El Palo local and have them deliver

like a bunch of chicken thighs and stuff that I like. Right. All healthy protein, little fat, great. I get like a salad, a coleslaw. I love coleslaw. I know you don't like coleslaw. I know you don't like coleslaw. It's like, come. Get whatever you want. I love come. Me too.

I'd actually get coleslaw with a side of come. I'd ask the Spanish guy, can you please take El Palo Loco and come into my salad. But I would go to the supermarket and get like deli meats and stuff like that. And I would just, at least two meals, I would just eat in the room. Right. Just, all right, I'm full, I'm out.

Now let me go. I don't need to go out to lunch every fucking day, drop 90 bucks on me and whoever, and go into some fancy place. Right. I can do that one time when I'm there, maybe two. You know, but my problem is that I go to these, I gotta go out and I heard this is the best Italian restaurant.

Who gives a fuck? I've had Italian food. Why do I gotta go to the best place in Cleveland? Who gives a shit? That was directly at me. Yeah, mama Santos. Mama Santos. That was great.

It was great, but I went. So I went back 10 Mama Santos. Why? It was great. But I went. So I went back. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, please. Okay, first of all, I wanna do a little Mary Fuck Kill. Oh, I already know the answer.

Everything Fuck Mary Kill. Same thing. Okay, just my version. All right, got it. Mary Fuck Kill, Kill Fuck Mary. I like this game. Kill Fuck Mary? Yeah.

Oh, fucking Kill Mary. Kill Fuck Danny. Kill Fuck Danny. Fuck him till he's dead. Get me the Cammelty. This is really huge. We used to do I'm fucking till he's dead. Get me the cammail tea. This is really huge. Dude, will you stop? I'm not saying that.

I don't want. Dude, I'm telling you, every week he fucking winds up trying to talk. Will he do my podcast? What are you going to do? Will you do Danny's podcast? No, absolutely not. Okay, well there you go, Danny. I know I couldn't even look over that one.

I said it. I don't do anyone's podcast. This is like, take a look at my podcast history. This is big, this is a big get. Yeah, it is, dude, I made you. All right. Yeah, you made me do your podcast. This.

All right, what's the question? Give me some fuck Mary Kills. How's it going? All right, Louis CK Mark Norman or Ronan Hirschberg. some fuck Mary Kills. That was a good one. I read it. Louis CK Mark Norman or Ron on Hershburg. Wow. Boy, this is tough. I can't kill Mark. That's my meal ticket.

I mean, I got to move in with my parents if I kill them. So don't fucking, I gotta say, I gotta, boy, I really don't wanna fuck Louis. That, you want to fuck Ron on? Ooh, good point. Yikes. I gotta say though, I could marry Mark, because Mark and I have a lot of fun together.

We have a lot of fun. And he and he really he'll go with whatever I Yeah, yeah, I go you want to play pickle ball. Oh, yeah, I'll do that sure. I have an idea. He's down. Yeah, I would marry Mark That's a good one. Yeah, now you got a nice body got a lot of cash great cash a lot nice body I don't know it's in Brooklyn Brooklyn. Sure. So, gorgeous. I gotta marry him. Marry, so marry Mark. Yes. Good choice. And I want to fuck him too. But if you marry someone, you fuck him.

You can't, you gotta fuck either Louis or Ron. A lot. It would be tough, huh? He's a lot of, there's a lot of lies. But I know when he's lying, so that makes it easier. All right, let's, I would have to delete this part of my podcast. What? I'm kidding.

I mean, he's, he openly. He's like, I, he likes to. He's a liar. He's a liar. What do you, what certain comics that just lie? It's not a liar. He's just a lot of like, he's like, late, double books. So he's like, up.

I get back in, I'm on my way. It's not a chat like. It's not like he's like, it's a cute lie. It's a joke lie. Yeah. To max does joke lies. Yeah. When max lies me, he's about a big hero.

Yeah, he's, he's, he goes, it's joke lie a hero. Yeah, he's a he goes his joke. I dead I didn't really idea I get it. So you got to marry him fuck or kill Louis or on Come on. This is easy. Yeah, I guess but fucking Louis dude. Fucking run on is a I mean, that's crazy He's got a little cushion. He Tongue is too big for his mouth. No, you make out with him while you're f- Oh! Oh! I guess I'm gonna fuck Louis, but-

Yeah. So big. Louis got a way better apartment. Big and he's big. Yeah, but he's got two. He's got a house on the island. He's got a house on the woods. He's got a fucking house over here. That's true, house in the woods. He's got a fucking house over here.

That's true, yeah. I guess I could fucking like, go fuck him up state, you can go to another room, let a fire burn your dick off. I guess I gotta kill Rhanna, but I gotta say I really love Rhanna. I love it. He's a great comic and we like,

we talk, we're really good after it, but he, you know, listen, I could kill him. There's plenty of times I wanna kill him. Dude, I've known Rhanna for a year and a half. I've wanted to murder him most of that time. I know, it's fun, because you guys would each call to talk about the other.

I've never called to talk about him to you. Oh, sorry. Yeah, thank you for letting me know. Ronan is the most... I even call to talk. Listen, we're just checking in about the trip. Here's the thing. Here's the thing about Ronan.

Ronan, you piece of shit. I'm after you. The problem is, all three of these people can be mad at me. And no one's gonna be mad at you. You pick the right choice. Ronan knows it's not him. Ronan knows he's being murdered. He's not cute.

And he's been pegged. So he's got a loose asshole. He knows what I like to have his ass pulled. How much he's this up? I forgot about that. I would fuck Ron on. I would fuck Ron on and kill Lou. I might have to kill Louie

because hey, you never know, I might be in that will because if Louie dies, he might get one of the hoses. People purchasing that movie, that goes to me, I think. Wow, you got to make sure. I think he goes to his daughters. That'd be hilarious. That'd be hilarious if he dies. Wow, you got to make sure. I think it goes to his daughters. That'd be hilarious.

That'd be hilarious if he dies. They release the movie World War. It becomes huge, but it's theirs and they cut you out of it. I think we have a 50-50 split once it starts making money. I think he has a 51 split. Well, whatever. All right, well, that, okay. Well, I hope so.

Maybe I'll kill Louis and fuck it. I kill Louis and fuck Ron and with that juicy, juicy, open fucking assholes like his mouth. All right. We're done. All right Here we go. Oh the one. Yeah, we got questions. Oh, I thought there was gonna be another fuck Mary kill now You miss Boston working in Boston. I mean, I go back to Boston. Where do you go? I'm doing the Wilbur? I'm doing the Wilbur theater the first time plug eight first time eight Fifteenth and that blows me away that that's your first time Yeah, I mean that's starting to move I do I did Chicago that was my first like theater

I did the park west and This is funny. They call it a sell it. It was 680 seats and we sold like 650 They go technically that's a sell out and I was like I don't know what that means, but I'll take it dude Farza sell out. Yeah, take it. laugh bossin' last time I was there. Love, love to, John Tobin, love all right. Love him. Dude, they didn't turn the stage lights on. And so Saturday night, first show, I walked out and I go,

hey, there's no stage lights on. He goes, do you want stage lights? And I went, yeah. And I literally were watching the video. Me and Danny were watching the video me and Danny were watching the video the first show There's no lights on the stage. They never turned them on I was wondering why and then all of a sudden they turned them down Further in the middle of my set God, I'm like what the fight. There's no monitor on stage

Right number one. Yeah, and number two, they didn't have the stage lights on. And then I go to the guy who have stage lights, he goes, I think we could, they put them up. I go, that's it, he goes, that's all we have. Then a kid walked in and pushed them all the way up and they lit up the stage and it looked beautiful. God. No, there's little, I think a lot of comedy clubs in general

have a lot of turnovers here. A lot of people that don't know what the fuck they're doing. Boston is always in every aspect, regressive in so many ways. Boston was the light. When I grew up in Boston, I was doing comedy growing up. It was the only city that didn't have a light. Nobody had that there's not one club that had a light and they refused to light you. And then they would get mad if you looked at your watch.

You're up there looking at your watch. And they get mad if you went over there. Exactly. And Boston, they're like, threatened to beat you up if you go over. Yeah, they grabbed you by the ass, you fucking lapel. Yeah, he what? And it's so crazy because then you go on the road,

Boston was also the only town where you didn't get paid at the gig. Like there was all these bookers, you got paid like six weeks later. But what is this? Yeah, because they had to funnel the money in for their co-cabit. Right. And they would take the money they made that week and pay off their coke. And they would just push it out.

It was like a pyramid scheme. It was very strange. Yeah. But I still love Boston. And I miss it to something. But now people ask, I'm going to Boston, where do I go? And I'm like, I'm 17 years from Boston. I don't know.

Yeah, well, I know where to go. What do the North like, I'm 17 years from Boston, I don't know. Yeah, well I know where to go. What do the North end, baby? No, I mean like comedy-wise. Oh, food. Shows and comics. I think, well yeah, I think Laf Boston has, I mean I love Laf, but I just, they got to fucking get it together.

I know the improv people, and they give the kids opportunities, which is great, but you gotta get it, you gotta have lights, man. You gotta, I mean lights. Yeah, lights. Sound, lights, that's all I need. Those are the two big ones. I man. You gotta, I mean, lights. Yeah, lights sound lights. That's all I need. Those are the two big ones.

I mean, it's big. I mean, it's big. I mean, I love you guys, but it's big. But anyways, I got questions from the fans. You ready? Yeah, I can't wait. All right. Joe, I love having you here, man.

Do you like this? I love doing it. I miss it. I like this way. Isn't this nice? This is nice. Yeah. Ready?

Yeah. Crum bum. I know, Crum bum. How is it working on B, C, S with Bob Odin Kirk? What? That's not for me. The fuck is this? Yes. The fuck, Max.

B, C, S. That's just what was on the page. Oh, better call Saul. Did you work on that show? I didn't work on that show. Max. Yeah. Did you, did you, did you,

Max, are you trying to ruin, this is the third week in a row, this kid is trying to take me out. I mean, this kid is the fucker world. I am giving you. I'm like a sports guy. I mean, what's the next question? How many people did you let jerk off in front of you? What it was?

David, I keep, Max, I fucking, I don't know, I don't know, are you trying? You not like me, Max? You called your name to men. Wow. The minimum. I got it. Max and men. Uh, David Mosher, I enjoyed the Fourth of July.

How long have you played the piano? Never. He plays the piano like he's a drummer. I think he's shitting on me. I think he's being sarcastic. No, I'm drunk. better than I play piano. You don't play piano. I can play um. Who do do do do do do do No, he's not. He's doing a good job of-

No, I thought you did a great job. Thank you. I think they did a great job. There was a couple parts where it actually looked like you were playing. Yeah, I did a couple. So it was actually, can I say something? There was one edit that they had where you look like you just hit the notes and I forget they took it out and I was kind of bummed about.

No. Because it was that one little quick thing that went to your fingers and it looked like you played it. Yeah, I remember that. And I was like, fuck that. That's exactly what I need. When I watch a movie and someone's playing an instrument and if they give me that little piece, I believe that he plays.

Right. And if they don't, I'm like, ah, they didn't show his fingers. Yeah, they fucked me. Yeah. But no, I don't play the piano. Uh, okay, Tom Rotten, rotten. When he eats Chipotle, does he have to cut it into small pieces to get it in that poor excuse of a little, do we mouth?

Are you, Max? Are you out of your mind? Maximus. Yeah. Is that your name? No. What is it? Just Max. Max. You know why parents didn't give Is that your name? No. What is it? Just Max.

Max. You know why parents didn't give you the full name? Because you're an asshole. I apologize. What the fuck? I mean, Danny got your two T's. This clock suck is trying to end my friendship with you. Yeah.

I mean, Maximus, is there any more in here? I'd say, I just got them from Patreon. Yeah, you're supposed to read them. Yeah, this is very hurtful. I'm not gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pre-read, right? Proof, proofread, I think it's the term. Bend over. This is not gonna be good.

I can tell by the end. Bend over. There's not gonna be good. This might be good though. He might've just went for the joke on the name, right? Yeah. Hey Joe, I'm planning on hitting up some bars with some buddies.

This is good. To celebrate this same Patrick's Day weekend, what are some opening lines I can use to pick up some chicks? Oh, okay. Well, I mean, at first I think I asked for bars and I'm a sober gentleman. No, I looked through it before. There's a good one.

Will you stop fucking tootin'? I've got a fart. It smells like Max's fart because you eat the same thing Smells like French fries and ketchup Yeah, I like those And might smell like a middle-aged woman pussy I'm not saying Max. He's waiting late woman. You kind of did. I didn't mean to imply that well. That's what you said Yeah, he will someday No, he's not to imply that well, that's what you said. Yeah, he will someday No, he's not maybe not he might not I hope you never know I had does and he doesn't like it

Looks like it's like eating a fucking frowning face What's the question? Oh pick up lines. Yeah, give me some good pick up lives to St. Paddy's day pick up lines Yeah, I mean, I just want like joke ones like hey, you're the pot at the end of my rainbow. That's a good one. There you go. Say it into the camera. You're the pot at the end of my rainbow. Give another one.

My rainbow is rock hard. Ooh, that's good. Like that. Yeah. I think here's a good line. You do this thing. Hey, of all the guys in this place, but what are the chances that you want to talk to me?

Probably not great, but talk to me. Why not? Dude, he's talking about girls. It says chicks. That's what I'm saying, do a chick. No, but this is to pick up chicks. That's what I'm saying. That's what you say to the girl.

You say of all the guys. Oh, I tell you to, I'm sorry. You probably don't wanna talk to me. Right. But I hear I am talking to you. Oh really, that's just to talk. I'm kinda like honest, like a thing. How about this?

How about this? Hey, nice tits. Hey, nice tits, you fucking cunt. Yeah. Hey, you Irish twat. You drunk enough for me to fucking stick my hands down your pants and pick you up like a six pack. Hey, luckily Irish. Here's your lucky day. I'm not smacking in the face. You fucking stinker. I don't know. I don't know. Pick up line. All right. Let's move on. Scruffy bones. One of my favorites. I love scruffy bones, one of my favorites. I love Scruffy bones. If you had to give up one from one

from success Sarah O'Comety friends or sobriety to save your favorite relative, which would you choose? Wait, hold on. Say that again. I don't know. Max, this is a problem with Max. Max has tried to end my career three weeks in a row,

by not, he just sends me stuff. He doesn't read, like a producer should read through something, make sure it makes sense, because so when I read it, it makes sense, right? Yes. Max just cut, copied, he go fat boy, read him. You're going away too, fat boy. If you had to give up one success, Sarah, comedy, friends,

or sobriety to save a favorite relative, what would you choose? I see, those are the options. I have to give up success, comedy, Sarah, or my friends, or your sobriety to save a relative. I wouldn't do it, I would just mourn the relative. If my favorite relative had a good run, now that I'm in my 40s, I don't need it, I would just mourn the relative. If I fail relative, I would have a good run. Now that I'm in my 40s, I don't need to save anybody.

Anybody that dies, you're like, okay, I knew him for a long time. I don't know, I'm still not gonna give up sobriety because I'll lose everything else. Yeah, I'm not gonna give up, well, Sarah, give me a minute. S sobriety's first. That's gotta be first.

S sobriety's first, if you lose sobriety, I've figured this out to the, and I give you, and I say this and I want to say this out in public. You Joe. Yes. I would say this saved my sobriety. Oh, and I and I not to be too serious and dramatic, you know, when the pandemic hit, uh, I was, I went from a high that, you know, like I had lost my agent, my manager, the show I wrote didn't go. But you know what, I had this Kreeps with Kids tour that was amazing and I felt like, you know what dude, you got it, you're doing this thing with Ronnie and my gym and Voss and

then it was all gone in one night and my career, everything was and I was hit with this holy shit and then, you know, through you and your service and the things that I did and I still do to this day, my family has a better husband and father, my friends have a better friend and I have a better life because of what you did and I love you for that. Oh, I love you, buddy. That means a lot to me. That's my favorite thing we ever did.

Yeah, and then we still do, yeah. Yeah, it's delightful. Yeah, which is great. So I want to say that to you and I'm glad I said it to you on the air. Yeah, I love you. All right, well, go to the Steve. In fourth to July, the color tint changed.

We're going for this. The worst show I've ever done. I, well go to the Steve. In fourth July, the color tint changed. We're from this place. The worst show I've ever done. I should have just ended on that. Yeah, yeah, I felt very touched and now I'm like, yeah, we fucked up, okay, I don't know. No, this is a good one. Oh, okay. Who's a good one?

Do you so negative? Oh, the color, the purpose for what? Hang on. I see, I see. Yes, you fucking go. Well, I'm so used to people emailing me being like, you cocked Stinker. Why do you give them your email and why would you read them or whatever?

All right, in the 4th of July the color tint change showing dad's anxiety, Lewis idea or yours really struck me. If you liked it, it was my idea. If you hated it was Lewis idea. No, that was Lewis idea. I liked it too. That was Lewis idea. I was there when he did it.

I was on the bus. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was Louis' idea. I liked it too. That was Louis' idea. I was there when he did it. I was on the bus. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was Louis' idea. He sent it and, uh, yeah. Sloppy Joseph. But everything else was mine. Who? Ha-ha-ha.

Who do you, who do you want to play you when you make a movie about Louis' life? Um, I like the idea that I would be a character in a movie about Luis life. Um, and maybe I would have you made it. Of course you would. You one of his, do you one of his close friends? You guys, you guys have become, you know, look, I, uh, you're my friend.

Luis, a close friend of mine. I love, I love both of you, but you guys have a really great friendship. Yeah. Yeah, I was just on the phone with him. Yeah, you find, I mean, really great. He loves you, man. Yeah. He talks about you on the road and all the time. And you guys talk, you know, and you love him. So I would say junk, you Zach, that'd be perfect. Yeah, but he's too old now. Like if we could go back in time, now I'm thinking

probably Tom Hardy. What? Jake Jill in hall what somebody you know I mean yes shape shifters they could you know they can get in better shape and put on glasses oh are you out of your fucking you really just mentally ill I take back what I said go fuck yourself it's not it's not dude you like like Steve Bouchemi. Hey, he's not bad. We thought about him for the dad in the movie Why didn't he get him he wasn't available? He was directing a movie god damn it. I love Steve You know, I wish we had tried to get Alan Ruck who played Cameron and Ferris Buellis to help

I think he's in succession. I've I actually did a movie with him really ghost town with Ricky Javace We're both ghosts great guy great stories You know a movie you're in that it's fantastic. What is? Unsafe for unhoused unsafe Yes, you know he shot that whole thing on an iPhone. I did know that and I went to see that movie in the theaters not knowing you're gonna Be in there. We were like what dude. I made so much money off that movie. Is that right? It cost nothing to make. Wow.

The guy had an iPhone 7, two of them. I spent time doing that. And on the back of him, he had a camera one and camera two. Yeah. He spent time with him, what, what, what, what? Hang it with Louis. We watched Louis's previous movie together. I was in that.

Yes. Never got released. Yeah. Do you know, Voss's arm almost got ripped off. Really? Yeah, we're on these boats. Louis just stuck us on boats. Yeah. And Louis was on a yacht filming. Then there was like a $20 million yacht that the cast was on filming, John Malcovich and everybody. And then they put us in a dinghy, like a Boston whaler. And we were supposed to be And then they put us in a dinghy, like a Boston whaler. And we were supposed to be like paparazzi.

And they dressed us in this amazing clothes. And then Louis Saurus, and was like, no, no, I want him to look shitty. So we had to go back and put on garbage clothes. I was so mad. And they took us out of the van with John Malkovich. We were in the van, and they locked in the thing, you guys have to come with us.

I was like, no. And John just did turn around and say, hey, I'm John. And I was like, I'm Bob, nice to meet you. And Vos was like, I'm rich. My wife's a director. And we were on the, we're on a dinghy. And me and Vos started arguing.

It's like 900 degrees out. We have no shelter. Everybody else on yachts. We're sitting on this dinghy for hours. This, I have my pants tied around my head. And Lou is like, no, I like it. Tell him to leave the pants on his head. And Vos's touch yelling at me.

I said something to him that just respected him. He goes, fuck you, you fucking, I mean, seriously yelling at me. Wow. And the guy with the boat wasn't paying attention and he backed the boat up into another boat. Oh. And Vos, I hear, my arm! And he ripped his arm up and it was just he backed the boat up into the boat. Oh, and boss, I hear my arm.

Oh my god. And he ripped his arm up and it was just all black from the rubber from the other boat. Jesus. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Oh my god. Yeah. It could have been. It could have been.

It could have been. It could have been. It could have been. It could have been. If he came up with no arm. Oh my god. I would be hilarious. Wow. Him and Keith together. I know they could prepare. Yeah

And it was the other arms would have been perfect They could have done three-legged races and general Joe. I love you man. I love you We're not yeah, we're done man. So do me a favor make sure you go to Oh, oh comedian joe list dot com this dates and you can Sign up for my email that I think email lists are making a comeback. Really? That's what I heard. There's these people collecting emails.

You guys love your learn on social media. How often do you have this happen a lot? Where you go, you go and you do a weekend at Macgoobies and then fucking 10 days later, some cock smooch is like, you gotta come to ball this time. You're number one, man. Every week. And I'm like, I just did 1100 shows there

for every 40 people. Every week. Every week, I do it. It And I'm like, I just did 1100 shows there for 40 people. Every week. Every week, I do it. It's like, yeah, I just had somebody tell me when he come back to Tampa. Thursday. I've been posting about it. I know, I think people are trying to take some,

anyways, comedian Joe Liste, you can sign up for my email list there. And my YouTube, that's the big thing I'm trying to push. Subscribe to my YouTube. Follow me on Instagram, Danny makes videos to me once every three weeks. And, and, Danny's great.

Yeah, he's the best in the biz when he tries. I'm only kidding, he brought me two cammails, I'm joking, I'm very happy. I was trying to sing, now it's awkward. You got Harry knees, leave him alone. Good point. Good band name. Harry, subscribe to my YouTube.

I got a special, it's about to go over two million called this year's material. And there's another one coming at some point a few months. Dude, I love you so much. Thanks for coming on. Make sure you go to my website, robbercallylive.com. All my dates, I mean, they're not up on the screen for me to read because, you know, that's just the way it is. No, I'm, of course, this weekend I was in,

because this is Sunday, I was in Tampa. So I hope you enjoyed it. But I'm in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys. Coming up this week, coming up Sarasota, Saratoga Springs, at Comic Comedy Works, Austin, I'm at Moon Tower. I'm at the Finns. Hey, what's up, kid? We got a hey.

Let's do a cigar, two Cigars. Let's do it. Let's go do the thing. Go bananas, Cincinnati, Tacomo Comedy Club, and I'm doing comedy at Carlson. I got a lot of shows coming up. Make sure you. Heels on all these dates.

You're in Tacoma when I'm in Spokane. Oh cool, we should get together. It's only an hour. No, it's like three hours. Like I said, it's a little far, we won't get together. Yeah, make sure you get my special. What the fuck is at the top of my website?

This is from Louis. Oh, Louis website. I was like, why is Louis at the deep crack? This thing's still available. The, the, the, the, the, yeah. It shouldn't be. He said it wasn't. It shouldn't be.

It's, it should be off. Robert Kelly Killbox right now available at LouisCK.com. Please go get my special if you haven't yet and make sure that you go to comicwearables.com, use code with Ladybug and get all Robert Kelly gear. Why key WD gear? It's up to we have hoodies, we get t-shirts, we get hats, not U-shirts. We got the regs is up there.

Go there and get yourself some merch. Wear it at the show. I'll give you a hug if I see you wearing it. If you're wearing anything chip or a Doug Bell, I'll throw a microphone at your face. And make sure you check me out. I'm on the bonfire with big J. Ocasin. Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I'm honored and proud and excited to be on there and to sit in with that guy. So check it out. Crackle, crackle on the

bonfire. We'll see you guys next week on You Know What The... ¡Duh! que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.