Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Juston McKinney "Moose and a Deer"

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Starting point is 00:01:14 Shut up, you ruining this! Break the bar, man, I'm sorry. It's comedy podcast. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. It's the original. It's the original.

Starting point is 00:01:27 It's the original. It's the original. It's the original. It's the original. It's the original. What's up everybody? Yes, we're back the very next day because my guest for yesterday is here today because I fucked up because I stink as you well, a texting, I suck at it.

Starting point is 00:01:46 I'm not good at it. I, someone texts me and that I forget about it in a month later, I, I hear, I stink. I like phone calls. Everybody knows I'm a man. I'm 51. I'm from Medford, Massachusetts. And I like a nice call, like men do.

Starting point is 00:02:02 Men used to call each other. Call on the phone. What's up? And I didn't do it. I fucking and he wasn't here But then we talked and then he said he can come today. So I'm doing that today doing it today We're doing the podcast today with I mean one of my oldest friends from when I started in the business this guy has a crazy story, crazy back, so many interesting parts to this guy. And he's here today, Justin McKinney, everybody, give it up for him, there he is. We're right across from each other.

Starting point is 00:02:36 So we're gonna talk like this. Yeah, exactly. So I apologize that that's in your face. It's a weird setup. No worries. Look, Bob, when you didn't get back to me when I texted, I mean, I thought you didn't like me, I'm like, I just something wrong,

Starting point is 00:02:48 I'm like, I kind of hurt for me in a while. I know that was the case. But the thing is, is that you got back and talking to me, so I was obligated to, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't, I can't like, all right, so you want to do the, yeah, let's do the pocket, spin back and forth, right? Yes. And then it's like, if you were on the phone with me, if we talk, I would be like, gone.

Starting point is 00:03:16 I'd be like, yeah, I do it. All right, do it, I'll see you that. Right. Let's take a ride. I gotta get, Dawn's way over there, right? So now, let me ask the boss if we have anything planned. And then I go over there and she asked me seven things. What are we going to do? Are we going to go here?

Starting point is 00:03:31 I wanted to take Max and then my brain's gone. And you forget. I get it. I get on the same way. I just never know. That's why you've got to follow up and you've got a call. And I think I even called you too. You call me.

Starting point is 00:03:41 Just make sure. Didn't I call you? No, it texted me. No, but I called as well. Maybe a message. I think you were in law, Canada or something. Oh,. Just make sure. I'm like, didn't I call you? No, I texted you. No, by called as well. Maybe you left a message. I think you were in while Canada or something all. Oh, I might have been. So then I sent you that photo of us at at a comics come home. Right. So he said, Hey, man, remember me. I say, the phone. I fucking. But can I tell you something about this, this photo? Yeah. I don't know if this is going to make you better. No, what? I sent that photo and I did, they did a feature on me new Hampshire magazine.

Starting point is 00:04:04 And I sent him that photo. I got the email of the guy. The guy says to me, he goes, all right, hey, he goes, I need the names for the photos. He goes, I've got Jimmy Fallon, I've got Dennis Larry, I've got Danny DeVito, he goes, who's the other guy? Oh, so we did it. Can you give me a second?

Starting point is 00:04:20 But that's the other. No. You had the glasses on, but it was Cam Nilly was the other one. So at the moment, he didn't know who Cam Nilly was. I go, that's Cam Nilly. At least he knew Danny DeVito. Marvel fucking, Marvel fucking DeVito though. I will.

Starting point is 00:04:34 I don't like the other ones I get is fucking King Kong by the way, which I don't like, because it's so all such a, you know, at least Danny DeVito is successful. He is. I did. One of the worst. I got Michael Chickloss a couple times. Yeah, that's it is successful. It is. Success, right? One of the worst. I got Michael Chickles a couple times.

Starting point is 00:04:47 Yeah, that's a cool one. But that's the fact that Michael Chickles is not in shape, Michael Chickles. So I think it was just the ball time with the glasses, boom, he just, he just went, not fantastic four Michael Chickles. I got like the shield Michael, like right after the shield.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Yeah, after the shield, it was cool. I got the drummer Michael Chickles a couple times. Yeah, that's funny Good fuck cock suck I'm like should I tell him my guy and I got all down get more publicity Danny DeVito's way They should have been well it didn't go no you know he I corrected him It's so didn't it didn't print his day to be what year did we do I think it was right before Culver I think it was the before Culver. I think it was the one right before Culver. All right, it was maybe two before Culver.

Starting point is 00:05:28 18? Yeah, it was, I filled in for Craig Ferguson and dropped out or something. Oh, really? That was my, yeah, so. Oh, there? Yeah. You got the picture?

Starting point is 00:05:37 You got that, right? You can't see it. I should let you see it. I know what it is. Yeah, I've seen it. I mean, there it is. A hundred reasons. A hundred reasons. A hundred million.

Starting point is 00:05:46 But for him to go, because Camila's the most unrecognizable one, right? If you're not a hockey fan, whatever. So for him to point it out, he goes, who's the other guy? Like he was so sure that you, that was dating him. He is so under money with that. I mean, I don't fault him for that.

Starting point is 00:06:00 And I even, I like, it was leaning sideways. Yeah, I do. Yeah, you're mugging a little bit. Oh my god. Yeah, comics come home. That's a, now when you do that, let me first, I got to go back to you. Cause I, I will yap and I don't want to keep you all day. But we, we started in Boston together.

Starting point is 00:06:18 Yeah. Me, you, Patrice, Dane, Bill, Bob Marley, Gary Gowman, I would say, Aldo Benny. Sure. Yeah. You know, I mean, that was our crew. Yeah. There was Rick D'Alia. There was a lot of other people too.

Starting point is 00:06:40 Pete Cammie. Pete Cammie. Wayne Pervody. Yeah. Pervody and Dave McLaughlin. I think I saw it. I mean, we came up a lot of guys, but you were one of those guys who came up and you were a state trooper, I believe, right?

Starting point is 00:06:57 Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. Deputy Sheriff. in the state of Maine, say a difference. In Maine, rather in Maine, the deputy sheriff's patrol.

Starting point is 00:07:06 In some states, they don't. Massachusetts, they don't. So you're from mass. Massachusetts, they do the courts, they do the civil stuff, but in Maine, there were 14 towns. There were two cops. I was one of the two, like on it. It's like the Wild West.

Starting point is 00:07:17 500 square miles, the Wild West. It's the Wild West. So like somebody's being murdered, you ain't, you need a gun yourself, because you're getting there in maybe 45 minutes. You're longer than that. Some cases longer than that. Right.

Starting point is 00:07:30 If you get the call at all. If I get the call at all. Right. And then everybody's got guns. Like when you go to the call. Right. So like I had a call one time, the guy's like, hey, you know, I got a call,

Starting point is 00:07:38 respond to this person's barricade in the self and the house says he's gonna shoot the first cop that shows up. Like that was a real cop. This only to it's me. It's my zone. It's my, I'm the cop. There's, so I've got, you know, making eight bucks an hour. Eight bucks an hour, this is maybe a hundred.

Starting point is 00:07:52 Eight bucks, eight, thirty to an hour. Did they give you the suit and the gun? They gave, I had to buy my own bullets. No. I did have to buy my own bullets, yeah, but they gave me the gun, yeah. And it was, it was, it was, a lot of my own equipment I would use because it was, it was funny because I was defunded before it was ever a thing. It wouldn't talk about the fun did right now. Yeah, but they gave me the gun. Yeah, and it was it was a lot of my own equipment I would use because it was it was funny because I was defunded before it was ever a thing I wouldn't talk about the fun to right now. Yeah, I think I'd be careful You wish for because I mean it was brutal. I mean we didn't have crime scene tape like at the time

Starting point is 00:08:14 Like we didn't have the cameras like I this is and I did a joke about it But it's a true story it was my own camera that I would use at a crime scene So like the the role of film could have like my brother's graduation party. And then I could have a dead guy on a porch like on that same role. So and I'd bring it to the, you know, Walmart to develop the film or the, you know, the right hand, it was the drugstore. But then I always remembered the guy thinking the guy going through the role going Jesus went from a party to the hot chicken and bikini and then yeah, and then just dead guy that's same to a dead party. It's party turn ugly. Dude, that's cool. Yeah, it's party turn ugly. Dude, that's cool.

Starting point is 00:08:46 Yeah, it was crazy. So I did that for seven years. Is that you? In the 90s. There you are. I guess. Oh man. I don't know what picture that is.

Starting point is 00:08:54 I'm gonna switch this around. Wait, it doesn't have this. It doesn't have the woman. It's dead. No, I got you. No, I got you. You stay right there. I got all this shit under control.

Starting point is 00:09:03 Here we go. And then we go like this. Are you in frame? Yes, yeah, that's some. Look at you. That's me when I did the presidential detail with George Bush. I'm impressed.

Starting point is 00:09:15 Which pull this out? I produce it. I produce this. Wow. But it's really doesn't. We'll get mush. He'll do something to fuck up, hopefully. So, because he's really good now.

Starting point is 00:09:24 So what you're looking at there was I would be the detail for then President Bush Sr., the dad, when he would go to Kenny Bunkport, Maine. And I was the outer ring of security. Like I sat in a car and a marked car with a Secret Service agent. And if anyone approached the outer ring, I had to get out of my car and approach them.

Starting point is 00:09:45 So if there was someone going to kill the president, I was the first eight box an hour. I'm the first guy like that could get, like I'd have to go and approach the car. Like that was that was that's what I did. I'm sorry. My mic was fucked up guys. I apologize. How's that? You ready? Is that better guys?

Starting point is 00:09:59 Yeah. Um, dude, you, I don't understand. Look, don't look at the fucking chat. No, no, I'm not looking at the chat. I was trying to put it on me. Oh, is it on you? Yeah, it seems like my head's cut off. Do you want me to turn that up?

Starting point is 00:10:11 How do we look? It feels like I should be lower. I have a little bit. It just feels like my head's cut off. Pull this up. Pull that up. Go up a little bit. Up a little bit.

Starting point is 00:10:18 Keep going. Right there. There we go. There we go. There you go. All right. Look at you, you fucking fancy pants. So, anyways.

Starting point is 00:10:28 I mean, you're fucking a deputy sheriff. You dealing with murders, you dealing with crime, you dealing with someone shot a moose, they weren't supposed to shoot. What, I mean, what, people don't understand the main. The hampsha's great woods. Main is still the wild west. Yeah, you're a little bit of everything.

Starting point is 00:10:44 The night that I only one murder happened when I was on duty. Right. And I'll never forget the call. I was in, I got this guy broken to 83 camps, okay, 83 burglaries. What are you 83 camps? Yeah, camp on a lake.

Starting point is 00:10:59 So we burglarizes. Yeah, right, but they're all lake houses. So it's like a winter, right? Everyone goes away, a lot of Massachusetts people, right? Go they you know, then they go for the they go back to mass in the winter Yeah, broken the 83 camp so I saw this case the guy was his first name is Richard, right? Yeah, so I he get 83 Burglar's he does whatever time six months whatever gets out and they get suspended whatever he gets out So I see him in the waiting visitation area waiting to go visit a friend at the jail at county jail I see him and I was always look look, I'm a nice guy.

Starting point is 00:11:27 I was a community, I've officer friendly. My whole family hated cops. I wouldn't have one to like cops. So I was the guy who tried to make everyone like cops. I mean, that's the kind of cop I was. I didn't have any enemies. I saw the guy in the way and I'm like, hey, what's up, man?

Starting point is 00:11:38 He goes, how you doing? How you doing? He goes, oh, good. And I go, that's great. And then I got his life back on track. I go, good for you, man. That's good to hear, man. I'm happy to hear that.

Starting point is 00:11:46 Right? I go have dinner. I'm eating with the other guy at the partner. We get a call as a guy in the roof of the jail with a blowtorch trying to break his friend out. It was him. He saw me and said, hey, what's up? And he was on the roof with a blowtorch.

Starting point is 00:11:59 Your county jail and Alfred Maine, trying to break him in. So on the way to that, at the same night, we get a murder in this town called Lebanon, Maine. This is stabbing. So that happened. That's one shift. There's two of us. We get a murder and a guy breaking them into the jail on the same night. That was one of the crazier nights of my career, though. And it's just you two. It's just two of it. And the state police are out there, too, in Maine. So the state police

Starting point is 00:12:20 went, and the state police actually handled murders. We didn't handle murders because we could not handle a murder. I mean, shit. I mean, I have a line in my act where I say they're like, you know, it's hard to solve crime. Like, what are the odds you catch in this guy? It's like, if you turn themself in 50, 50, because I mean, it's, you know, we're not catching them.

Starting point is 00:12:34 You know, I mean, it's like, we have no time. Right. You know, somebody you mentioned the distance. I remember in the paper, when someone complained about the cops, he's like, we called the cops on Tuesday. They didn't show up till the following Thursday. Right. It was for like a shed break, Anderson. Right.

Starting point is 00:12:47 But it was like, we would get backlog. We would talk about how we didn't have time. Like, we rarely could stop to eat. That was the one time we wouldn't got a pizza. I'll never forget to fit it. Forget it because a lot of times we couldn't stop because one of us was busy doing something. So you'd eat in your car.

Starting point is 00:12:59 You'd be going a hundred miles an hour, eating a sandwich, you know, eating your lunch. It was my friend Mike Calta. He's my friend, Mike Kulta. He drives 150 and a lobster. He had two lobsters driving his car and watching TV and playing Pokemon. He's a lunatic. Where was this?

Starting point is 00:13:16 This was in Tampa. What do you mean he's in lobster? I get lobster roll. He didn't know, a fucking lobster. He deshelt the lobster. While he was driving. While he was driving. While he was driving. He was in Mania.

Starting point is 00:13:28 I never did that. I never did that and I was in Maine. So I don't understand how you, and you started comedy. Well, how did you, so you were single when you were doing that thing, right? When you were a cop, share-per-share. I was, yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:40 So then you start to understand it. How do you get into stand-up from being a share? Because it's too different world. That's a serious, people dying, lot of steak, guns, all kinds of shit, moose. Yeah, a lot of moose. My partner had a deer, told his cruiser, the sergeant,

Starting point is 00:13:58 got another cruiser, and a moose, the same shift, told him two cruisers, and a moose and a deer. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of shit. How do you go from that to the columns doing stand-up? Uh, well, I did my first open mic at stitches. I don't know if I met you at stitches or shortly there after. I might have been stitches. But I just wanted to always try it. You know, I was in the school, I was working with the school, you know, I taught the deer program for a few years, which I love working with the kids. Why are you saying it like I'm going to be funny?

Starting point is 00:14:21 Because, well, because I know your history, you know, the deer program. Oh, yeah, okay. You got the deer program. I didn't do dare. I went to jail. Yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah, I tried to save kids, you know, 12, you didn't get to me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I wish I didn't have you. Yeah. I nobody came to me. I was alone on the streets. I just went straight to jail. Straight there. I could have used as an example, but my dad was a mess. My dad was homeless, I'll call it. I didn't know that.

Starting point is 00:14:48 Yeah, so that was part of the homeless. It really homeless. He was homeless. He was over for 15 years now. But for a decade, he was living in the pay toilet at the parking garage in Port Smith, New Hampshire. Not the whole decade was living there, but at one time he was living in that page toilet.

Starting point is 00:15:06 He was just drinking, he said he wanted to, he didn't have anything, no worries anymore. We would come off like it was happy, but clearly it wasn't, because like I said, he's 15 years sober now, and it's a great story. He's my biggest fan, my dad's. Oh, he's sober now. He's sober now, he's been sober for 15 years.

Starting point is 00:15:21 He has sponsors, he has like 10 people, how many people he sponsors? He's 80. He's 80. And he's 80 sober for 15 years. He's sponsors. He has like 10 people. How many people he sponsors? He's really is 80 and he's 80. He's got his life together. He's got a apartment. How sweet is he? Yeah, he's living in Porzaki. I don't know. He gets some kind of a substance. I can't live where I live. He's still living in that toilet, but he had to shit together. Just really nice when you went in shelves, books, a little lamp, fucking chair, I had a little 12 inch TV. It's done up, nice thing. Yeah, of course. No, he realized that wasn't the best living,

Starting point is 00:15:50 but it used to, you know, when I did a whole routine about it back in the day, that would, you know, if someone's asking, it was a pay toilet. So if someone homeless guy's asking you for money, it might not be, you know, buying drugs, he might need to get into his house. Right, because it was, you know, when your father's smart because rather than living outside, he just slept in

Starting point is 00:16:07 the pay toilet. That's pretty fucking smart. Yeah, he, well, he, whatever inside was under bridges, but he was low, and he lived in my brother's closet for a while. So he was bouncing around, and we would have taken him in, but he didn't want it, you know, and we really thought he was going to die on the streets. I mean, that's no joke. And what, I really thought he was going to die.

Starting point is 00:16:21 What got it, what, what, what, what was his bottom? What made it happen? He tries to claim, he tries to say to do it because he doodles is adorable. She'll stay on her all fucking. All right, go ahead. He claims that for the, he says he blacked out,

Starting point is 00:16:36 and it was first time he didn't remember anything which growing up, he didn't remember anything growing up. So, because he would, I mean, black out, I mean, you know, it would happen all the time, but he had punched there's a hole in the wall and he didn't know he had done it and he like, but he got hit by a snow plow. He was taking a crap and went to time in the middle of the road and a snow plow hit him and like knocked them over the edge and you

Starting point is 00:16:54 get, I mean, there's just so many stories. But he gets shot in the face with a pellet gun, a drive by shooting, the only drive by shooting in Maine was my dad. Like literally hit him in the, the pellet still in his face., they couldn't get it out back back like 20, he just thinks it was a mob hit, which is all the funny story, because he was a mob with a pellet of the pellet. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:17:12 Yeah. It's a nut. It's just some fucking red necked up ish. He swears it was a mob, the mob wanted the scarom. And I go, I've never heard of them using the pellet gun. Why was it, was he in with the mob? He had something to go to someone money

Starting point is 00:17:23 or they thought he did a business deal. He had real estate my dad at one time before he lost everything my mom died when I was six But so that was kind of like that was the beginning of the end for him drinking wise come to another level Yeah, but he had a ton of real estate and he just lost it all I mean he would have been worth millions now, and you know, and we would I mean he's got nothing He's you know I have nothing coming. Yeah, but he would have been. I love how you made it about you. I have nothing coming. I mean, well, I see my friends, my friends are like,

Starting point is 00:17:49 oh, I get this, you know, we got inheritance. I go, there's no inheritance, you know. It really, it really, like, there are people, like I know people who, when their parents go, they're getting, they know they're waiting on it. They're not, it's not, maybe they're not waiting on it, but they're not worrying about life. No, later in life. Security blank. It's like, yeah, it's not, maybe they're not waiting on it, but they're not worrying about life. No.

Starting point is 00:18:05 Later in life. Security blank. It's like, yeah, it's like, yeah. Yeah, like, oh, we'll be fine. They'll go, they'll be like, you know, touring or just taking a month off and walking around here for a month and doing all kinds of weird shit because they know.

Starting point is 00:18:20 They know. At around 20 years, what have 15 years, someone's gonna kick the bucket. They're going to be gone. They're going to get all this real estate, all this stuff. Then they're going to sell it. And then whatever sibling they have, that relationship will be gone. It's going to be gone, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:35 That's going to be gone because you're going to fight over whatever the fuck money it is. And that must be it. I mean, my mom dies. She had a house in Marblehead. She had a house in Marblehead. She has a house in Marblehead. Yeah, but my father passed away. So my sister and her boyfriend kind of took over the house. So they kind of,

Starting point is 00:18:57 yeah, it's their house now. So, there's no inheritance. I'm gonna get a, I'm gonna get a fucking bureau. It's funny you say it, not to say a way to my special, but it's out. Yes, but that's my special. On the bright side, there's a bit now where I talk about be happy, you're not super rich.

Starting point is 00:19:15 You don't have places on one of the Bissaki and out on the ocean because when you get near 80s and 90s, I'm not saying your family want you to die, but just thinking about how they're splitting up all that shit when you do. And my dad having nothing, we wanted to live forever. That's all, it's fun. Yeah, well, there it is right there.

Starting point is 00:19:27 It's just right there. We wanted to live forever. You know, we like that. We taking care of yourself, we can't afford to lose right now. So that's one of the, just kind of split. Well, here's the thing is that, I worry about that with Max, because I have some real estate.

Starting point is 00:19:42 I have a couple Rolexes. I got a couple of things that in my brain, I want to give him. So later in life, yeah, he gets this land. He gets this land. I want I'm trying to buy more stuff for him because in the back of my head, it's like, yes, I get to enjoy it now.

Starting point is 00:19:56 But it's really so that when I leave, and Dawn leaves, he's an only child. It's like here, dude, you can have this. But I'm just trying to hang onto it until I die. Until you die and give it to yes. And there won't be that sibling thing because you're right, so many families get ripped apart. Yeah, from that inheritance.

Starting point is 00:20:15 I know of cases right now, I was just talking to someone, they're like, hey, I get cut out of the will. Am I gonna get, you know, if I get cut out of the trust, you're gonna put me back in. I mean, that stuff happens. All family, Dawn's family, ripped apart.

Starting point is 00:20:28 I mean, she doesn't talk to two of her brothers right now. That's just sad. You know, two of her brothers, so it's because of money. And so our parents are doing us a favor. No, I mean, I would love to get a little piece of that. I was trying to say that, I can use it right now. I see no land from Max, so I can, I know. I know, I would love to get a little piece of that. I was trying to say that, I could use it right now. I say no, land for max.

Starting point is 00:20:45 So I can leave something. I know, I know. It's what stresses me out too, is being able to leave something for them. Right. And I'm not gonna play favorites. These, there's parents that are in control of that, and they play favorites.

Starting point is 00:20:58 Like they literally pit their kids against each other. It's horrible. I could never do that. I know you could say you never do that, but I've had, the only comparison I have is I had two dogs, and I 100% like one dog better. So you'd leave. When that other dog passed away, I was like, whatever.

Starting point is 00:21:17 When that one deep away, I just let you know what you want. I was so sick. Yeah, I did. But that's dogs. I mean, but kids, if you got one, but if you had two, are you gonna pick a favorite in the world? Yes, son.

Starting point is 00:21:29 Do it 100%. Do you have, how many kids you have? Two. I want you to be on the way. 50-50. There's no way. I bet you're in changes. I'll give you, it changes.

Starting point is 00:21:41 How old? One will be 15 this month. Okay okay in two weeks and one is 12 okay yeah later in life I I you're telling me that it's certain points you like this one's rocking this one's kind of an ass and then maybe they sweat of course okay but it doesn't mean I would it comes to the money you got to give me equal unless they did something really bad in their life like like they I don't know and I don't know what that is but I couldn't mean I would come to the money. You gotta give them equal. Unless they did something really bad in their life, like, I don't know, and I don't know what that is. But I couldn't imagine, like, they'd try to kill you.

Starting point is 00:22:09 You know what I mean? Or something like that, they snap. They go off the, I mean, unless they're a complete A-hole. They fucked your algorithm up on Instagram. Yeah, something. Yeah. Well, the one that I had to cut the bit out.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Oh, this is so funny. Think about whether I had to. So we were talking to the date. Now, I want to just announce, because, first of all, Justin, you just been a hammer since you came on, but one thing that I respect about what you do in Gary Goman does it and Bob Marley does it and coming out of Boston, I think it's hard to do is you're clean. You're not a real dirty guy.

Starting point is 00:22:44 I'm, like everybody knows I'm a piece of shit. I'm, I'm, I, everybody knows I'm a piece of shit. You know what I mean? I, my life is that way. But your comedy has always been, uh, you know, family friendly, I think a little bit, but I do a little bit. I, I push a little bit. Yeah. But you're not to, not where you're gonna have, you, you get nervous. And there's certain bitch things you talk about that I wouldn't talk about. Yeah. Funny. Well, we were talking about this bit thing and you were talking about your example. Like it was a funny, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:23:09 That's like a good example, you know. Yeah, exactly. Like, you know, I, but we were talking the other day and like, you know, you're a comedy. Back at you, you were not often started doing stuff about being a state trooper. You had a one-man show I believe about being a, I did.

Starting point is 00:23:23 I was sure, for Deputy Shade. I did and I'd got a development deal. You got a one-man show, I believe, about being a... I did. I was sure. For Deputy Shite. I did. And I'd got an development deal. You got... Fuck you and Marley, people don't understand back in the 90s that Hollywood was just jizzing over comedians. And if you were... If you could be a sitcom, if you could have a story around you, all you had to do is have that. Yeah. And there was only a couple of people that had the legit, I believe the legit story

Starting point is 00:23:52 and act to go with it. Other people were just making it up, trying to get that. You know what I believe in Bob Mali with the people that you got these deals. Yeah. How many deals did you get? I got two, I got 98, 1998, 1999, and in 2000, Will Smith's company had offered 250K,

Starting point is 00:24:13 and my agent talked me out of it, because it was a bad year. But let me tell you what's my story, unlike Bob, I know he had bought property, he did all the right things, dude. I feel like I'd been cursed. I've that money that I got those two deals back to back. And there were big, how much were I?

Starting point is 00:24:29 Big money, three, 70 and two, 70. Okay. Back to back years. Wow. The waiter at Dangerfield's Comedy Club was a part-time stock broker, okay? So I get this money, I didn't know what I wanted. No, it's not.

Starting point is 00:24:40 Pause, pause. I need to explain to people what you got these deals for. They're called development deals and holding deals. Did you get a holding deal or development deals? Development deals. They're gonna give you all this money, and that's your money. And they're gonna develop something around you.

Starting point is 00:24:56 And you call right, co-wrote. Co-right. And then, I'm sorry, that's the head phone. But we'll just work through it. But you write these deals, and it's pretty much, that's the headphones. But we'll just walk, work through it. But you write these deals and it's pretty much, it's happening. You got the money, you got the show runner, you got the network, and they're gonna try to make this go down.

Starting point is 00:25:17 Yes. You got two of them, 98, 99. Yeah. All right, and then what happened? And then I was, when I had the, I knew I had the third one coming. So I'd slowly yeah. Yeah. And then what happened? And then, I was, when I had the, I knew I had the third one coming. So I'd slowly given this guy. Right.

Starting point is 00:25:30 I gave him $10,000. Oh, burst, okay. Oh, but he doubled it. He doubled it in 98. Yeah, this is in 98, 99, yeah. I gave him 30,000. He doubled it. I gave him 50.

Starting point is 00:25:40 He doubled it. I'm looking at my account. It is going, I'm at 750, almost 800,000 on paper. Okay. I know I got another 250, come and will smiths made an offer. So I give them even more. This is at right around 2000. The market crashes. I went from, I went down to 10, when I put, when I, I had $10,000 when I pulled it out. I didn't buy property, I didn't buy anything, I had a Honda Civic, and I was in a long island city when I lived in New York City. Not only did I not get a new car, I had a dent, a tree fell on it, and I got 600 from

Starting point is 00:26:17 the insurance company. I didn't even fix it. I pulled into the parking lot and the guy stuck a, you ever go, remember the, at the supermarket in New York, they'd be crews, they would fix the dent, they're like 50 bucks, I'll fix a dent, they just stabbed my car with a, one of those drill things and then pop the dent out and then they buffed it. So it was multi-calcel, so I had, so I didn't, I fixed, I fixed the car myself like in the parking lot because I didn't, I wanted to keep that money because I had lost all that money. So it was, Bobby, I was in such depression after that.

Starting point is 00:26:45 And then when the Wilson, my agent's like, let's not take the Wilson myth, he doesn't ever have to show on yet, let's not do it. He was bitten, Wilson myth was bidding with me for three years. Warner Brothers CBS, Warner Brothers CBS, Wilson myth was in there. He wanted me so bad.

Starting point is 00:26:57 And to this day, if I would have done, just taking that Wilson myth deal, who knows what would have happened. I mean, it's ironic what just happened. Who's your fucking agent? Are you still with him? Roofan, it was you. So Gunda?

Starting point is 00:27:09 Yes, as my agent. She's great. She got me those deals. She's my lawyer agent? No, no. She left me after, like, I move with her since 03. After the stupid will. Smith, I'm sitting in LA.

Starting point is 00:27:20 So I'm in LA. No money. I squandered it. I mean, imagine it. And mostly, that's why mentally, there's a lot of comedians and people I didn't stay in touch with, whether it's even, even Dane, like I remember seeing Dane out there when I was,

Starting point is 00:27:32 my deals and I just, and guys like you, I was just depressed from, I got Leno in O2 my first tonight show. I was so depressed, I can't even watch it, my first Leno, because I wasn't even being me. I'm doing the bits, but I'm like, so all I ever wanted was Leno, and because, as I'm saying, is getting that money, it was the worst wasn't even being me. I'm doing the bets, but I'm like, so all I ever wanted was Leno. And because, none of those,

Starting point is 00:27:46 what I'm saying is getting that money was the worst thing that happened to me. So it's like, so I literally, I'm still fighting, that's why I'm back in New Hampshire now. Because in O6, I'm living in New York and had no money, we couldn't afford to live out there. A two bedroom in California was 500K in O6. So in O6, we moved back to New Hampshire, my wife and I.

Starting point is 00:28:05 So that's from Ben. So my whole career felt like it was going the right way and it just totally upended me. So and that's unstill, so now, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. Dude, I never knew this. Yeah, it was just, I mean, to me, you had the one-man show.

Starting point is 00:28:20 Yeah. You went and got a deal at the deal. And then you were touring. I always had, I had to start working the road just to get the down payment to try to get a house. And ironically, I was in a two and a half family in the story in a Long Island city, Queens. And it was 370 back then.

Starting point is 00:28:38 I could have bought it cash. I talked to the landlord about it. Like I almost, I would have that. Not only did I not get it, but the house I bought in O6 back here with 30-year mortgage was the same money like six years later. Like I bought, like I could have had, and I'm in the woods in New Hampshire.

Starting point is 00:28:56 You know what I mean? For my career. And you know, I mean look, you've only been here for a couple months, you know, you're up here for the summer. But I mean, New Hampshire's not where you go to take your career to another level. I mean, it wasn't a great career choice for me. So I mean, New Hampshire's not where you go to take your career to another level. I mean, it wasn't a great career choice for me.

Starting point is 00:29:06 So I mean, Maine is me. Yeah. I'm saying the same thing. I'm all over New place. I don't know that about Marley. I mean, I thought you bought Marley. Bob Marley is in the same situation you're in. DLF, the DLF, the DLF, except he's taking all that money and buying real estate now. He had bought a place. I remember you told me I talked to him the phone with him except he's taking all that money and buying real estate now. He had bought a place. I remember you told me I talked to him the phone with them and he's like, yeah, I bought a place in Pasadena. This was and then so so he had bought he was buying places.

Starting point is 00:29:33 He bought a camp. He bought this all the stuff I could have done that would have set me up. So now it's like, I mean, look, I'm doing well. I mean, I do theaters. We cross paths a lot. I mean, we're doing a lot of the same venues. Of course. But I've I've been doing it under this cloud of,

Starting point is 00:29:48 I fucked it like this, you know what I mean? It's like, you know how comedy's a mood. But I'm gonna good mood. Everything's better when I'm in a good mood. I was flying so high in New York City in the late 90s. Every manager took me out and wanted to manage me in New York, everyone. I remember you in New York.

Starting point is 00:30:01 I remember you in New York back in the day. I pop it up all the time. Rory Rose Garden, Shapiro, Seinfeld's manager. Barry Katsley all took me to lunch. Hills, the guy that runs Montreal. Bruce Hills. Bruce Hills. They all wanted to mention me. My agent said, you don't need a manager.

Starting point is 00:30:16 You're just going to pay him a percentage. Why? So I listened to, because she changed my life. I'm his most... So I didn't say Gundam. Yeah. The one that she challenged you to change your fucking life. I took that advantage. Change it for the worst.

Starting point is 00:30:25 Yeah, so then when all the deals dried up, so here I am sitting there, so yeah, I mean, you want to talk about, and it's funny because I always thought people like were, didn't like me, or, you know, the fact that I got those deals, they were kind of like, you know, all what he didn't deserve it or whatever, like, you know, thought negative because I got them. And I think if they knew that I, you know, I lost it all and I ruined my career, maybe happy, did be happy. Oh, they be happy. Oh, there's some people that I definitely have. Oh, think if they knew that I lost it all and I ruined my career, maybe happy. They'd be happy.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Oh, they'd be happy. Oh, there's some people that definitely have to go. Oh, it's gonna happen. This story is great. This story will definitely make people, certain people, certain people that are so good to hear. So good to hear.

Starting point is 00:30:54 No, dude, that is, I mean, I remember the Greg Fitzsimmons said to me when I first moved to New York, the first money I got I bought an apartment. As we said, he bought his apartment in Manhattan. He bought a co-op. Wish Greg had told me that. Greg did give me the acting teacher I went to. Thanks, Greg. He did.

Starting point is 00:31:20 Richard Pinter. He's the only game in the name Richard Penter, I took an acting class. ¿Qué? Tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno, tres por uno. Esta es la tres por uno señal, que significa que ya puedes aprovecharte del tres por uno en medianas a domicidio solo pidiendo el line. Uno... ¿Sabes algo? Tres por uno, tres por uno, ah no, no, no, no. ¡Dominos! Pizza. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca.

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Starting point is 00:32:31 These guys are bringing shows to the podcast platform that people have been waiting for, like our family jewels. It's an awesome trivia based drinking game podcast that you can play along right at home. There's a dozen of messed up series you can enjoy. Wherever you enjoy podcasts, so get on it. Go to Guy Times Presents and check out all the hilariously

Starting point is 00:32:57 fucked up messed up awesome fun shows. Malik James, one of my favorite, this is one of the sponsors, baby. Love you guys. They have an ever growing variety of beautiful tungsten carbide rings. I love those rings. Sexy, they look different.

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Starting point is 00:34:20 you guys are enjoying the content. If there's anything else you want from me or you think it would be cool on the site, let me know, hit us up. And that's it. I just wanna say thanks for being a supporter of my Patreon, all right? All right, thanks, dude. But he's the guy who, when I got my first chunk of money,

Starting point is 00:34:39 I told him I'm buying an apartment. I'm buying it, that's all I wanted. And if I didn't do that, I wouldn't have been able to buy a house, I wouldn't be able to get this. All that stuff hinged on that one, Greg Fitzsimons, when you get money buying a department in New York City, that was the only thing I wanted to do.

Starting point is 00:34:56 And it was the hardest thing I did. I wish somebody told me that, wow, it would have been life changing because I've lived with this. And right to, can I even tell you? Because this is, this is why I love a podcast. We can just talk about and right to can I even tell you yeah because this is this I love about podcasts we can just talk about stuff that you can never talk about on radio because you've never of the time or whatever yeah right down to when I in 2010 when I did the tonight show with Conan right here. We remember when he got it for the year. Yeah, I was it I was it so I was still

Starting point is 00:35:18 Clong back then still I had some stuff going so I I'm talking to the booker before the show, before my tonight show with Conan set, in the green room about the deals, and I bring this up to him. Okay, what we're talking about now, but I lost. I've about, anyway, not a good idea right before you're about to go on stage. No. So it put me in such a weird spot. So I go and hit the stage on, to night show with Conan.

Starting point is 00:35:42 All of the, it's a college week. I didn't know it was college bowl week, okay? You know what that is? Everyone in the college, yeah. Gear, they're all college kids. Absolutely. Not my demo, first of all. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:52 My opening line is, oh, I'm at the age where all my friends are having kids right now. I wouldn't in a million years have opened with that line. If I knew that was the crowd. No one told me it was bowl week. I didn't know it was bowl week. I didn't go out and look, I'm telling my story to the book in the green room.

Starting point is 00:36:06 I was in such a weird, as I'm walking on my, do I call an audible? You know how they approve the set. You're not supposed to change your set. So I got a stick look. So my point is, here I am, this frickin' money,

Starting point is 00:36:18 this story is kicking my ass in 2010 to the point where that set I hate and I had to go to therapy after that. I get out of that, I went and saw the therapist, so I did this whole thing to try to get over this. I mean, buddy, what's talking my entire life? Like this is, and people look at me and go, oh, you're selling out theaters and New Hampshire

Starting point is 00:36:36 and you're doing all this stuff, but I mean, it's bad back there. You know, I'm dealing with, it's brutal, it's brutal. It's like back there. You know, I mean, I'm dealing with, it's brutal. It's brutal. It's like, you know. Here's the funny part about it though. Is that stand up comedy always saves us. It's because none of these fuckers,

Starting point is 00:36:57 none of them can take it. None of them can take it away from us. You can't take the ability of you going to somewhere. Yeah. Getting on stage, making a group of people laugh their ass up and getting paid for it. The industry, fucking will Smith, Ruth Ann, Segunda, whoever the fuck it is, they can't take it. You always have that. So no matter how depressed you get, all the shit you lose, everything's gone, you can still go down and make a living doing comedy, which is the best.

Starting point is 00:37:27 Well, and you can't do that with guitar. You can't do that as a singer. Yeah, it's a lot harder, yes. I am grateful, but I'm aware of that. I am aware of how long I can. You can't be an actor and make it. No, there's no way to go. No, there's an actor you're done.

Starting point is 00:37:41 Not to mention, you talk about therapy, just going up to an open mic or doing a guest set and doing a new joke that works will put me in a good mood. How do I miss it? Like, you know, I mean, just getting something that works. So, I would have these runs where I, where I wouldn't get on stage for a while. And my wife will notice I'm grumpy. It's like, I'm not, there's no stage time around me. Like I'm doing these big theaters, getting ready. My special that is on the bright side, which is out tonight. Yeah. I love this. Thursday, September 1st. Bring it up again, much more. But it's September 1st.

Starting point is 00:38:09 Is any of this stuff in YouTube? Yeah, a little bit. It's called the bright side. It's what we're talking about is so deep. This is all it. But body to run this special, okay? The Thursday night, I'm filming on a Saturday. I had Thursday night.

Starting point is 00:38:24 I ran it at a senior living center, an old beige home on Thursday. You're working on that. That's where I had to run it. I had to run it before, at an old age, but there's a horse park. I had to call them and ask if I could come run it. Like, it wasn't a book gig.

Starting point is 00:38:35 I literally, like, I didn't have, because there's not as many places to get on stage now. So I'm doing, and I'm always having to turn over my material because I'm doing a lot of these same venues. So that's the mind thing that I'm dealing, it's this overload of stuff. But by the way, so I get grumpy, you'll appreciate this story.

Starting point is 00:38:49 So here, this is about two months ago, whatever it is. I'm in that, that was my wife's like, you seem like you're in a mood, you seem to get grumpy. And I had to explain to her that, you know, 2010, I remember that, you know, doing Conan and when I did Conan in 2010, I remember him saying how me and Bill Barb were like two of the ones that, you know, in Conan and when I did Conan in 2010, I remember him saying how me and Bill Burr were like two

Starting point is 00:39:06 of the ones that, you know, in that one year. You know, you drop spill burrs name. And then I'm like, I'm like, Bill Burr is doing Fenway Park this summer. Right. I go, I am at a Hampton Inn bringing in my own PA in my hand for 40 people at a corporate. Like that next night, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:39:22 But it's like, it's like that whole rally. And it's not to say, obviously, you would never be bailed. I mean, I'm not saying that, but my point is, is I didn't see me at my stage walking into the Hampton Inn, holding a PA. Like, with, you know what I mean? Like that little thing. So it's just part of the visit.

Starting point is 00:39:37 You know what I mean? So that's the stuff that you deal with, and that's why I get moody. I mean, I don't, do you ever get grumpy? Like, on these moods, we like- I've just listened. I mean, I don't do you ever get grumpy like on these moods we like I've just listen. I listen. Bill called me out to do author Ash Nadia. Is it do you want to do Queens with me? I got a gig. I'm like, wait a minute, gig. What are you doing? He's like author Ash Nadia, my fucking, it's not a gig. You fucking

Starting point is 00:40:03 loser. That's what he do the years ago. He's so humble about it. He's fucking killed me a bumper. But, and I was like, no. I can't, I'm up here with my fam. I've gotten to the point now, Justin, where what comes to me comes to me. Yes, it's a great place to be.

Starting point is 00:40:22 What mine is mine. Yeah. I don't have to fight for what to me. Yes, it's a great place to be. What's mine is mine. I don't have to fight for what's mine. What I do have to fight for what's yours, if I want what you got, if I want what Bill has, I gotta go fight for that. That's a great way to look at it. I gotta go struggle and fuckin' fail. But what's mine is going to be mine, right?

Starting point is 00:40:44 And what's not is not. So that's why, one of the reasons why I'm up here, one of the reasons why I've taken, I didn't take the whole, I had gigs, I had good money gigs, I only took food money gigs for July and August so I could be up here with my son and my wife. And you know, like, like my uncle is up the street,

Starting point is 00:41:04 he's got a mansion, he's got a chipping green, a pudding green, as guest house, he's got a And, you know, like, like my uncle is up the street. He's got a mansion. He's got a chipping green, a putting green, as guest house, he's got a gym, a garage. He just got another piece of land. He's got a, he's got a campsite on it. He's got a, he's got a five bedroom, holy shit, multi-million dollar, right up the road. Beach access to the private beach.

Starting point is 00:41:20 Yeah. I'm down here in the tiny home. This is mine. You're on lane road, by the way. What is it? Don't give up my fucking wrong with you. Cut that out. Cut that out. It's live. You're fucking here. This is live. Yes. You never told me this was live. I was live. Some of that stuff out. No, we don't cut anything. I'm kidding. I was live though. I

Starting point is 00:41:41 didn't know it pain. But I don't care. These was live. It pained my kid. I don't care. The fans in here, I love them anyways. I'll probably ride him up here someday. Wait, you know what, it's funny. I made a post about my kids' camera in the backyard on my Facebook and my wife's. You think that's a good idea? Letting your fans know the kids' camera in the backyard.

Starting point is 00:41:57 I go, I can't get in the company with 9 p.m. show. They gotta come to my back yard at midnight because my kids, they don't want these kids. Yeah, listen to it, it's so funny. Yeah, no. I don't think someone can find you. But I'm just saying that, like, dude, what you know, because I know he wants these kids. Yeah, listen, dude, it's so funny. Yeah, no. I don't think so, I can find you. But I'm just saying that, like, dude, what you have, yeah, I know it, I get it, dude, I get it.

Starting point is 00:42:12 But that shit changes quickly. Yeah. In this business, all that shit changes overnight, but the fact that we still can tell Joe, if that's still awesome, and the people come and laugh and we get money for it. Yes. And yes, some people laugh and we get money for it. Yes. And yes, some people get a shitload of money. Dude, if I had my uncle's house, I don't think I'd be much happier.

Starting point is 00:42:32 Yes. I haven't had a complaint all summer. In this, we've had such a blast. Yeah. The weather's been amazing. It's some way. Yeah, the weather too. It's good.

Starting point is 00:42:43 But yeah. So I think it's, I mean, it's sad that you almost really don't. What would that mean now? I mean, even a camp, I don't have a camp. You know what I mean? My brother's like, we're trying to try to get a camp someday.

Starting point is 00:42:57 And it's hard for it not to, that's the way my point is this. When my wife asks me, it says, you know, you look grumpy, you're a little moody. I get a little moody. I mean, I want to get to the place where you're at, where I'm just like, this is great. I'm a luckiest man alive.

Starting point is 00:43:11 I'm not the luckiest man alive. I know. I want to get there. And I want to be happy. But everyone, what happened to me with the money, and even relationships, like I just talked about, whether it's with Bill or, and I saw Bill when he was in, and at the Wilbur, I saw Bill and all these guys,

Starting point is 00:43:27 and I kind of lost touch with a lot of you guys. And I think it was because I went into this little, you know, this little bubble of depression, you know what I mean? So, buddy, my life has been shit from the get-go. Like I've had, you know, disappointment and all that stuff. But that type of shit, when that goes down, that type of... People don't understand. We get so high in this business. You're right there to becoming the next motherfucker,

Starting point is 00:43:55 to presenting at Dumb Award shows, to be walking the red carpets, to never wearing about money again. You're right there. And then to have it all ripped away, right? Yeah. And to come back to where you used to be, sucks.

Starting point is 00:44:16 Mentally, I couldn't get it. I never got mentally that confidence I had. I remember I was at the strip when Dave Becky came to see me. And I was late getting there. So I was on the 59th Street Bridge and I was at the strip when Dave Becky came to see me and I was I was late getting there to the I was on the 59th Street Bridge and I was backed up in traffic right and I came in just in time and I was like a little out of breath he goes oh I go oh it's almost laid out I almost left my car on the bridge I almost

Starting point is 00:44:36 had something like I almost was gonna leave my car on the bridge and come because oh a little desperate huh and I literally like said something like I thought it'd be good on my E true Hollywood story Hollywood story. Like I just had that kind of confidence, just so much confidence. And that just when I lost that money, and then this is another thing, my dad, my dad, when he heard about it, my dad's like, why didn't you ask me what to do?

Starting point is 00:44:55 I'm like, you would live under a bridge and end up in pay toilet at the park in Russia. Why didn't I ask you what to do with my money? You lost everything that you had. So I then you'd like, I'm following my dad. Like my dad lost everything. I lost everything. So I want to leave my kids with something like we talked about earlier.

Starting point is 00:45:09 And that's the pressure that is on me. But you don't have to. I don't have to. And I'm not going to apparently. Listen, you don't have to. I'm one of these, man. I'm moving in here with you. Did I hook you up with?

Starting point is 00:45:22 I already told you who's the guy, right? About this place. I want to know the context and this. Oh, I'll hook you up with. I already told you, who's the guy, right? I love this place. I wanna know the context. Oh, I got you. Yeah, they're the best. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, but dude, that's the thing is like, you don't have to, I don't have to leave Max anything

Starting point is 00:45:36 because I'm gonna make it so that he'll get whatever, what is his, he'll be fine. You know, you wanna leave your kids something. So you wanna leave your kids,. So you wanna leave your kids, especially if one of us gets sick, he doesn't have to fucking dip it in his pockets, the higher a fucking hasty lady to wipe my ass. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:45:52 So it is of the throw up three times a day because dad shits out green stuff. I mean, that's the stuff you worry about. But it's not living in the moment. It's not living in the day. It's not living. No, I know. It's not, well, I wouldn't be able to enjoy

Starting point is 00:46:07 Yesterday with Max Real quick probably your mic is getting muffled my life's getting you all fucking Mike is getting muffled Don't talk to me like that you're the producer Hang on a second my mic fucked up. Sorry, I'm not sure. No worries It's so funny. What is that better much fucked up. Sorry, I'm not sure if you're kidding. No worries. I'm not sure if you're kidding. It's so funny, right? What? Is that better?

Starting point is 00:46:27 Much better. That's better, I'll come back. What's that? It's so funny, by the way, because I thought you said that we taped this and you put it out sunday or something. It's gonna come out Sunday night. Oh, I get ya. But on my Patreon people, oh my.

Starting point is 00:46:40 I like it to see all those peeps. Oh, at least peeps. Oh, I always give my shows to the Patreon support. Awesome. Got it. Got it. Okay, cool. Cool.

Starting point is 00:46:49 Cool. Awesome. They're just funny. They're into it. They love good, cool, cool. Yeah. Trust me. Nice.

Starting point is 00:46:57 They like you, you fucking, you're good. Nice. Thank you. Good to be here for the Patreon. They've already said, make this guy a regular. He's funny. You know, they're great. So anyway, but it will come out on YouTube

Starting point is 00:47:09 Sun, okay, cool cool cool. Um for you special which much will bring up right now. Um Yeah, I just I just think that uh, you know, I wouldn't be able to enjoy that shit, dude. I wouldn't be able to fucking Enjoy my life. I've worked 30 years my ass off They know and it's time to fucking enjoy. I agree. My process was this. I'm going to work become famous, rich, successful, then I'm going to enjoy my life. What the fuck is that?

Starting point is 00:47:36 That's right. Enjoying me. And I do have those moments. OK, I do get there. Right. I remember thinking at one point. And you pulled out the fucking smoke and outie, by the way. So you're not doing that bad. You got a fucking outie. That's a rental. I, I'm there. I remember thinking at one point. And you pulled out the fucking smoking outie, by the way. So you're not doing that bad.

Starting point is 00:47:46 You got a fucking outie. That's a rental. I wanted to impress you. No, I have a Ford Focus. Do you have a rental? I have a 2002 Ford Focus. No, I'm just kidding. I was just kidding.

Starting point is 00:47:56 My God, you just kidding. The shit I was doing. I'm just kidding. I have nothing man. I'm just kidding. You're driving to a bathroom and fucking let you sit. That's where it's a condo. We're thinking of what a great name for the business. Oh nothing man. You're not gonna drive me to a bathroom and fucking let you set that. That's where the answer comes is. What a great name for the business.

Starting point is 00:48:08 Oh man. Yeah, good. But anyway, no, I do get there. I get those points where I'm feeling good. I remember even thinking my 50s is gonna be awesome. I'm just gonna enjoy it because you are right. It's all, you're a need for deathbed or whatever it is. It's like you got to enjoy the now and I am doing that.

Starting point is 00:48:23 But there's something about we talk about the money and the deals. It just brings me into that. But the last time I did a therapy, I went and saw this, I was some crazy thing. It really did help this woman, but I am over it. I mean, what's the saying? You don't always get what you want, you get what you need, but thank God,

Starting point is 00:48:40 you don't get what you deserve. You don't even need any truth to that, yeah. And I believe this is truth to that. I, you know, and this, you never know, dude. You never know. You know, I tried to stop wanting what wasn't mine and enjoying what was. But you've had a hell of a career, man.

Starting point is 00:49:00 I've had to do what, but I'm not. I mean, you're the acting. So by the way, to even compliment you, I did in the text, you're amazing in 4th of July and the whole cast Joe lit everyone was awesome Stop it me. We can stop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You carried the movie in fact from I don't know what Joe and Louis would do No, that was all I really enjoyed that and by the way I had to buy it twice. I don't know why I'm Louis CK Lices this right I went through and then I went to I like closed the window and I went back and I, but I paid 34.

Starting point is 00:49:28 It was worth 30. It was worth 30 bucks. You guys made a lot of money. I swear to God. I get the money back from me. No, I swear to God, I got the emails. Two from Louis. Thanks for buying it.

Starting point is 00:49:36 Thanks for buying it. I get two in a row. No, you just get two. Yeah. You get two emails. You know, you need to buy twice. No, no, no, I bought it twice. I'm charged twice.

Starting point is 00:49:44 I'm telling you, I'll show you. I got charged twice. I got charged twice. I'm telling you I'll show you I got charge twice I got charge twice, but I'm fine. I mean it sounds like hey, yes look every you guys are all struggling You guys never know big stars, but no everyone I love the cast and I know all this got to be 20v and Nick the Apollo and great Listen, I want to I want to tell you was because we were talking yesterday And I'm going to this problem too Because you have your special it's coming out next week. Mm-hmm. you have your special, it's coming out next week. It's called. No, it's coming out tonight. It's coming out tonight.

Starting point is 00:50:09 This is tonight. Oh, guys, so go buy this special tonight. This is to, no, it's free. It's free. I'm giving it away. Dude, but look, I'm shitting me. I'm doing it on my YouTube channel. I've done them on Prime.

Starting point is 00:50:19 I've done it through my site. This is on YouTube, but there is a tip. Look, not that I need money. You do not mind. There's a tip or a card or a Venmo thing. No. But, um, but there is that feature, but I'm not I haven't been pushing that. Like I'm going to do live. Why will you fuck it? Pave for his fucking special tonight at 8 p.m. I'll be live. I'll be in the super chat. I'm doing what Joe list did. And Joe list is one of the other either.. Yeah, I'm doing what Joe List did. Well, you should have fought. All right, listen.

Starting point is 00:50:46 Tipped me hands. All right, maybe this is the last time I'll do it this way, but this one is free. But it's just a handball. And it was successful. And then everybody else, I know. I know, it's probably going to be a huge mistake. I'm going to fill rooms.

Starting point is 00:50:57 I know. What we're doing is we're making fans lazier. Yeah, I know. We're giving them, we're giving them, it's like when you give your kid too much shit, and then they expect you. I know, I know. I know.

Starting point is 00:51:10 I know, I thought. I'm gonna discipline people. You pay five fucking bucks to see a fucking professional 30 year veteran do an hour of material that you're gonna laugh at, that has value. I know, but hopefully the value is that come see my life. Drop that, there's a come here, no!

Starting point is 00:51:24 Okay, but that job. I know. You buy this, that's all you're famous for job. I know. hopefully the value is that come see my life All right, it was a mistake I've made mistakes in my life All right look my agent the waiter The waiter danger fields told me this is what I should do. Yeah, the stock girl got the star. I know. Call me next time, Justin. Oh my god. Anyways, go get it special tonight. Watch it.

Starting point is 00:51:52 Eight o'clock. For fucking free. If you don't watch it special, you are the lazy as hunk of shit. I want you out of here. I don't want you fucking. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Starting point is 00:52:04 Yeah. I'm about to die heart rate. Oh, it's six. Yeah My resting heart rate went up a 53 to 66 I know but this is why I'm I'm moody. My wife's like why you moody. I got the free special on YouTube I don't even want to ask people for tips. You know, I'm in trouble. Good tip him tip him. No Shack your face. Tip my Venmo will be in the chat, but don't think you have to do it. Yes you do. But so we talk about this is that I have the same problem that you ran into yesterday, which please explain.

Starting point is 00:52:35 Well, and I want I want you people here now and on YouTube, please comment in the comments and in now in the in the Patreon.com, such Robert Kelly, a little promotion. If you're watching this on Sunday, you're a loser. But my special still on Sunday, it's Dan on YouTube. Of course it is, you don't have to watch. Tip on. But in the comments, I want you to tell us what you would do. I want you to tell us what you think is right,

Starting point is 00:52:59 because it's pretty crazy. And I'm going through this deal with my special. So the reason I didn't come up yesterday, because I had a major crisis I had to deal with. And the crisis is, I have a bit in my special that I was debating whether or not to cut it out. Because I told you the joke, I can tell your people, sure, I actually tell them.

Starting point is 00:53:23 Basically, the joke was my kids kids all reach the age where you're no longer cool as a parent and you embarrass them. I'm cheering my kid on an Indosauker way to go by the way to get in the way to be aggressive. He comes running up and saying, yeah, when you shut up, you're embarrassing me. I go embarrassing me. I mean, you suck. You're embarrassing me. I go, it's always about you. I don't live in this town too. You know what I mean? It's like it's like, it's a whole bit about a soccer right? Okay cut to his first game. Oh, it's Tuesday night He's the only one that doesn't get in. Oh, you know that all of his friends play. I don't know what is

Starting point is 00:53:56 Zero-zero game, but if he'd play it bother him you tell me so now in my head I'm thinking the special comes out Thursday night. His next day is Friday. It's on a bus. There are an hour and an half. Kids are on YouTube showing the bit. They run it, you know, they make you know, what if he doesn't play then? So I called you and I go, I have to decide. Is it comedy on my kid?

Starting point is 00:54:16 Like what's more important than I told you? I got to, I got to, I got to take it out. I go, I got to take it out and you agreed with me. Right. At the beginning at first you agree. You know, you got to take it out. And then I stood in it out and you agreed with me. Right, at the beginning at first. You agreed, you said, you know what, you gotta take it out. And then I stood there and then like you just did a 360 on me.

Starting point is 00:54:32 Because yes, because I said, I, you had my heartstrings with the kid because I don't want my kid. You know what I mean? I don't want Max. If I say something that's gonna embarrass Max, you know, go off a bit, he gets on that bus, your kid gets on the bus,

Starting point is 00:54:45 and the bus driver's playing that bit, and then the whole fuck it, just keep replaying it the whole way. Five. Well, we'll quick, Justin's mic is holding to a shirt. There we go. Sorry about that. You got it? Yep.

Starting point is 00:54:59 Thanks, buddy. Appreciate that. It was, but then I'm saying, they go, wait a minute, it's time to toughen that kid up. Yes, you would like it's too soft. It's too soft. We're on this generation. You know what dude, brother?

Starting point is 00:55:13 Listen, the generation, we, our generation was too rough. We were handled too rough. We were pushed around, beat up, emotionally physically. We would raise too tough. The generation is now a raised too soft. They got everything, no, don't do that, stop that. You're gonna get hurt. Nobody lets a kid fall.

Starting point is 00:55:33 Nobody lets a kid get hurt. What was the last time we started getting a cast? Well, I mean, we got a couple in my school, but sport injuries. Let him. It's okay, because I get made fun of. But the problem is it's coming from me. The dad.

Starting point is 00:55:51 So that's the thing. Yes, it's like if he's sticking up for himself and then all of a sudden he's like, I'm as good as any of you. I'll go, really? You're dead. You know what I mean? Even though he's good, he is a good play.

Starting point is 00:56:01 He's not the fat. I don't, I'm so, this is a coach. I'm so pissed at the coach. You can't keep either keep two kids on the bench or throw the other one in. Well, let's just throw it on to deal with that. Cause otherwise my kids can handle what they cost. They call me loser all the time.

Starting point is 00:56:16 And we bust each other's balls. They're great kids. And but I didn't, they call it fragile. It's too fragile. You don't know that though. You might be making it too fragile. What a play at Max Falls get up. Before we say you are right, we'll like get up. Max fell last

Starting point is 00:56:31 minute. We've said that for years Max is nine. It's like Max get up. Get up. He's like, but that get up. You don't lie in the fucking ground dude. If you can get up, get the fuck up. Cry standing the fuck up. You know what I mean? I know, I get the tough, I think that's true to that. Last night, last night on Wears Beach, and we had Samaritan Swords, he won. But when you take him out of the sheep, they make that shh.

Starting point is 00:56:56 I don't know. So we would do that to each other, just walk and then slice in each other up, going slice. So I'm going to cross the street, and he's behind me, and I went, and he jumped and fell on his fucking ass, and this table of women were like, oh my, it's okay.

Starting point is 00:57:14 Well, me and Donna laughing our ass is off, because he was in like sand, and he just slipped on his grog. He's on his back, fell right in the middle of his street, and we're just going to get up. We're laughing. They don't know that he's laughing too. Right.

Starting point is 00:57:29 So we're all three of us in dying laugh in this table of women think with them the shittiest back, because ever. But he's not crying. If we didn't say, get the fuck, he's crying. No one you hurt, no one. You can't let him know they're hurt, right? You just, I think that in this situation that it might be okay

Starting point is 00:57:46 Because of what you do Take a fucking joke brother. You're my son. I love you. It's not real. It is real You had that situation happen, but I was kidding. Yes, and we raised people to know what it kidding is He laughed when I said it then we were back in the kitchen and he goes I go so what was what was with today? He goes, Dad, you embarrassed me. Like, that's how can I go embarrass you? You know, and I literally said it on the fly like that.

Starting point is 00:58:10 I go, you suck. I go, you embarrassed me. And he laughed. Like, and they don't like the one laugh at you, right? The kids want to act like you're not funny. So when I get him to laugh, that's when I know that's a good joke. I go, that's probably a good premise.

Starting point is 00:58:22 So, but it's just, at the end of the day though, it's just too, this timing is the worst. I'm taking it out. Did you take it out? Ah! Well, I wanna know what, I wanna know what you guys would do. Would you take it out, and would you leave it in?

Starting point is 00:58:39 Cause I have, before you answer that. I have the same situation, one of my jokes, but my sister's kidney. She got a kidney transplant and the person who gave it to was the neighbor Neil. And not that he's a bad guy, but we don't get along and the joke is like nobody wants a kidney from Neil. Right, right, right, right. And I was thinking of maybe I should change the name, but Neil, the reason why the joke is funny, the first time I said the joke was Neil.

Starting point is 00:59:10 And everybody got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they saw, they don't know him, but they know him talking about, and I just hold joke is there, and it's a great joke, and I love the joke, and I did it, and Louis, I talk to Louis, I go, Louis, my mom's not gonna talk to me,

Starting point is 00:59:24 and I'm not gonna be able to go on to her house for a while. He lives right next to me. This is real. My sister's gonna be mad at me and my family. He's like, fuck them. Like, why do you go, Bobby, you're a comedian. You're a high level standup comic.

Starting point is 00:59:40 You're one of the people that tells the truth. You're a storyteller. You talk about your personal life. It wouldn't be truthful if you took his name out. This is what you do. And if I don't understand that, they'll get over it. But a little different with a neighbor than your skin. Honder percent.

Starting point is 00:59:56 Because you're not leaving anything for Neil. Like Max. Honder percent. Honder percent. Yours is, if you saw, okay, that night, let me give you some some more details because I don't know where people are leaning. Okay, that night He was you could see the I know my fans got a lead. The people people are texting in a third feel bad for him It was a whole thing right that went around

Starting point is 01:00:19 And he I talked to him about it and he's like I'm as good as and he is as good as them and I know he's I talked to him about it. And he's like, I'm as good as, and he is as good as them. And I know he's as good as him. But he's like, he's like, I'm as good as them. And for me, for me to say, you are, you're as good if not better than them. But then for that joke to come out the next day in between before there's even another game from the go on, now what if the joke hits? They make fun of them.

Starting point is 01:00:40 Now he's gonna play Friday, now he's all nervous. Now he doesn't perform well because he's nervous. He gets pulled out. You've got, you're a psycho. Yes, I'm your kid. God, but when you're bullshitting on your game, what if he kicks the ball in his own net? One of those things. I go, he's ruined. I guess no soccer. He gets on drugs. He's living in a bathroom. Yes. He's living in a friggin' paid toilet. He loses all his money. You're putting your side, your baby of all is all your Maybe is listen to me, dude. It's all you do. It's all your shit. You're living through your kid. Yeah, I

Starting point is 01:01:11 You said no, I just it's fine. He is fine. He's gonna do it. All right, well You want me to tell you what I did? Hang on Hang on because it is a fun joke. I mean listen It's and it goes further though. It goes further. What can I hear a little? I go further where I go. He misses the ball and the other devs looking at me like like it's my fault. No, my look. I should say in his defense. I never played soccer with him. But what came out was he's adopted. So I'm literally calling him adopted.

Starting point is 01:01:38 Yeah. And then I do that. And then it goes even further. Great. Joe. What if your kid hears that? It might hurt. and I go, look, he knows. I sat him down. I said, listen, buddy, dad's going to keep coming out with new materials so people come back and see me. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to have to pay for your college one day because we know you're not getting enough leather skulls. That's correct.

Starting point is 01:01:53 But I hit him, boom, boom, boom, I'd sing him. But like all those zings and what he's dealing with at this fragile age. Yes, and you, and you, let me tell you something. My mother gave me advice when I was a kid. I was getting bullied. And they were fucking just call me advice when I was a kid. I was getting bullied and they were fucking, just call me all kinds of fucked up shit.

Starting point is 01:02:08 She goes, go make fun of yourself tomorrow. Like what she goes, go in, you make fun of yourself. Whatever they make you fun of you for. That's great. Funny yourself. It will take all the fun out of it for them and they'll fucking, they won't know what to do. So the next day I went back to school,

Starting point is 01:02:22 I saw them and I was like, my mother's a fucking slept bag. She blows guys in that bush over there. They were like, what? How's that making fun of you? That's what I was doing. I was talking about before, I didn't tell her mom that. She was like, go make, go join in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Starting point is 01:02:37 Go ahead. So, and they want to be my best friend. Yeah, that's good. The thing is, what I'm saying is, what's your dad's number? I'll give it to my mom. Which dad? Yeah. And they want to be my best friend. Yeah, that's good. The thing is, what I'm saying is, what's your dad's number? I'll get it to my mom. Which dad? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:49 So it's, it toughens them up a little bit. And they understand your kid probably, like he laughed at that joke. When you did it for real, I know. We're all our jokes from this real around the table bullshit, right? He laughed.

Starting point is 01:03:05 I know. So it's, that's who your kid is. The problem I had, if it wasn't the 48 hour window, everybody, if it wasn't the 48 hour window, it would be a different story. If he had gotten back in the game, it's a whole different story. It's just, it's the timing couldn't have been worse.

Starting point is 01:03:21 It was just a, one of the things that he was adopting is a deeper example. And so, so that's the whole of the bit I had to cut out. There's a whole adoption part. I got my two of my favorite jokes I had to pull out. I took them out. I took it out. You took them out. I took it out. Oh my god. Why? Because of the I talked it all the people. How much less is the hour now? It should be free. It's it. Yeah. I'm gonna fuck, I'm gonna get you a fucking charge. All right, look, it'll be on my next one. I'll put on my next one.

Starting point is 01:03:50 When you fucking, when the 35, you fucking set to the 15. No, buddy, I'm telling you, if you knew and you saw on your my shoes, I know you're acting tough. I'm not talking now. I know you're acting tough. I know you're acting tough. I just couldn't, it was the dead. I don't know, I'm too, it was kidder comedy. I didn't think what more important. I just couldn't, it was the dad. I don't know. And two, it was kidder comedy.

Starting point is 01:04:07 I didn't think what more important. Listen, listen, and I get it, because I'm gonna run into this shit with Max. I mean, what's my app? If they start poking fun. Did I say that my wife? Kids are evil. My wife, in this special,

Starting point is 01:04:21 but the wife is a little different. I get a lot of, I get a lot of, a lot more with my wife. Listen, lot of, a lot of, a lot of, a little bit of my wife. Listen, Ed jokes in my act about my kid this. I have a joke about how my kid's good looking. And my friend was like, you know, it's gonna rain pussy on this kid.

Starting point is 01:04:37 You've been a teacher now. How to, you know, and I'm like, what am I supposed to do? Teach him how to lick lemons. Check for change in a bay phone. Dude, I mean, he's gonna see if he's shit at 13. Yeah, yeah. I mean, my actress.

Starting point is 01:04:50 But I have a joke that my wife blew me on the first date. You know what I mean? She sucked my dick. Well, yeah, right. So when he sees, yeah, right. All that stuff. That stuff, but it's not directly him when he's going through his issue of his self.

Starting point is 01:05:05 I hope that I want to hit him. I wish I could hit him. But I've got those, I've got some of those, I've got those, there's something about sports and how you, making fun of, if you have a disability or you're not going to sports, you're not good at school, I'm making fun of that stuff, I think is hard for them. I don't think so.

Starting point is 01:05:22 To handle. I don't think so, because he's not going to be a professional soccer player. We know that by his, by his not good. Yeah, think so because he's not going to be a professional soccer player. We know that by his, by his not good. Yeah, I mean, he's not good enough for sure. He's because of small school. Yeah, no, but he is good. It's not even your kids fault.

Starting point is 01:05:33 It's the coaches. No, I don't believe me. I'm so pissed. These coaches ruined my life. They suck. They want to win a game. Yeah. Instead of fucking you take the guys that know how to play, play the kids that don't know how to play.

Starting point is 01:05:47 Teach them how to play. A little bit, yes. Now, not even a little bit. No, the ones who need the fucking game. I know, I know. In the score was zero, zero. I get it. They wanted to win.

Starting point is 01:05:57 It was the first game of the year. The seniors wanted to be undefeated. So it was a look. It was all I can say to everybody who thinks, oh, he can handle it. If you saw what I saw, I'm telling you, it was the toughest call I've made. And if my special was next week, I'm leaving it in.

Starting point is 01:06:14 But the fact that I've got this little gap, he's got a goal, they're all watching it tonight with their parents, the kids. The kids and the parents are gonna watch it. So they're gonna watch you, comic. I'm glad I'm blue. There's no way I know. That's my problem. That's my problem. Everybody can watch it. No, that's my problem. Well, that's why I can talk about it here. I'm going to watch it. So they're not going to be to watch this. Max is going to be a big fan now,

Starting point is 01:06:35 too. Max, when he comes to my shows, he has to sit in the background with your mouth. He does not get the listen to any. Oh my the chair. Oh my god. That's terrible. I know. I hope people don't judge me. Look, I don't know what to say. Other than I've never been a dad before, it's my first time. And I just try to do it right to challenge at the end of the day. Two jokes. It's two jokes.

Starting point is 01:07:00 It cut out for a minute. It's still like 57 minutes maybe. But it's not an hour. That's it. It's no jokes, it cut out free minutes. It's still like 57 minutes maybe, but it's not an hour. It's not a walker hour. It's not an hour. Room my life. It was 59-42. That's not a head.

Starting point is 01:07:12 We're for Boston. It's an hour. My other ones are over an hour. So they take 10 minutes from my last one and move it into my alone with 70. So take 10 minutes from that. Yeah Well, I mean listen it's bro. It's tough man I'm really it's killing me. It's was killing me for the I didn't sleep the night before I was up all night Where it was gonna happen and now I'm pissed because two of my favorite jokes that and then the adopted one

Starting point is 01:07:37 I took out and now I'm pissed about that so so it's a whole thing the coach If I ever meet the guy I haven't even met the coach yet because I've only seen him from the game. I can't wait to tell him how he ruined my life. My god. Oh, this was my moment. This YouTube's for special. It's my big break. You couldn't know what he is son and let him hear the joke. He's hard. I didn't want to put it on him because what if he said, Dad, you can do it. And then it blew up. And then he thought like, I said, well, if I took it out, then he put that on the shoulders I didn't want to put my I know I know I know that's a time all right look will it help will it help if I told you that After I made the decision to take it out. Yeah, we're rolling down that said then I changed my mind

Starting point is 01:08:16 But it was too late then to switch it back so I'm kind of in a weird kind of a weird limbo No, but you put those up as extras away., wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's gonna, I'm gonna put it, I'll make it available on Prime. I'll keep it on Prime, because his kids, his friends won't see Prime. Yeah. I was all worried about the YouTube on the boss.

Starting point is 01:08:33 I literally was worried about them on the boss, go, him sticking up for himself, going, I'm as good as you guys, really? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, We know you never gonna get the last athletics goal, you know, the athletics goal, a shit. Uh, uh, you're adopted, your dad was, you know what I mean the whole day? I love that you're assuming kids like you

Starting point is 01:08:47 No, I just know no nothing like me. They might be kids are They're so nasty at that age. Yeah, it's so fragile. It's my first teenager. I haven't done it before So that's what I did I look if you if you hate me for it, I gotta live with it. But I mean, look, it's rough, buddy. You did it, it's done. It's done. What comes out tonight?

Starting point is 01:09:12 Tonight. Eight o'clock on the bright side. On the bright side. But now on the bright side, here's a little bit. On the bright side, you get a special comment out tonight. How many specials have you done? This is my fifth hour. Fifth hour.

Starting point is 01:09:24 This is a true Boston comedian. People don't understand. There's only a handful of fucking comedians that can go up for an hour and kill it. There's a lot of comedians that can do 40 minutes, 45 minutes. There's a lot of comedians go up to go, where you from, what do you do? Blub, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Starting point is 01:09:44 There's a lot to go up for an hour or more and murder. Very small amount of those people exist, and a lot of them come from Boston. And I'm telling you right now to do it, family friendly, you know, not a piece of shit like me, but to Justin is one of the fucking best at it. Well, thank you. You are as well as you know.

Starting point is 01:10:08 And you've been killing it for years and to know that you had all that fucked up shit happen to you. And you still be in the game and kick an ass and put no specials and you got a family, you got kids. Dude, I think that's why we did it. You know, to have, to be where we're at now. Yeah, would I love a little more financial success? Yeah, maybe if fucking more you cocksuck

Starting point is 01:10:34 as we join picture on that, have that. Well, you know what it does, it allows you the ability to not to turn down the gigs, right? That's what the money does in the process. To say no. To say no, my kids got a thing coming up on the weekend you know he's got a soccer game say no anyway you know I got so I don't see him play I mean if you see him guys kiddit listen my kid did the same shit dude but I didn't care it was just yeah

Starting point is 01:10:57 oh it was so happy I didn't have to fucking sit there get stressed out and screaming you know my kids just sitting, just sitting there on the bench. But Max, see, there's a little, Max would go into the stands. Baseball, he would go into the stands and just start getting people, let's go, come on. Let's do it. And they'd be like, Max, you're up.

Starting point is 01:11:16 And he'd be like, what? I'd be like, Max, I loved it. I was just getting down the crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm cool with that. But it is, it's tough. Sports with kids, top on a kid. That's why I love the go to, yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:27 G2, there's a guy trying to murder Max. Oh, he's trying to murder a kid. And there's a Brazilian fucking murder and he's going, Max, almost, Max, almost. So he does that. Oh, dude, he loves it. Oh, yeah. See, I'm thinking of getting my kids into martial arts.

Starting point is 01:11:42 I'm talking about it. Reset, don't do, don't do Kung Fu. Don't do tycoon. No, what was I? Let me show a fight in a guy did this. I don't know. I don't know anything about Yeah, the cut the cut right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do this. You don't do that. You waste the fucking money. Okay. Get him into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I'm trappling and stuff. Is that more like? You're teaching him, listen, every fight usually winds up on the ground and the fact that you're teaching a kid how to defend himself with the best Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Starting point is 01:12:16 Give him that gift when he's older, he'll thank you for that. And he'll be the best at that. I'm looking into it. I'd like to get him into that. I'm looking into it. That's one of my boys is into lift and like he's obsessed with it. He's starting to lift. You know what I mean? Sounds like it. It's all the him. You know, so the other martial arts, you're doing all this

Starting point is 01:12:33 big get bored. Like presenting to get to this. Somebody on top of you trying to rip your off. Well, it's like you have to focus, right? It's like, yeah, it's one of that. Yeah, one. Yeah. But anyway anyway you got you special coming up tonight you're putting that up I'm very excited I am gonna want you tonight me because that you can my max can want you special yeah there's a couple there's a couple things by Nick you're right at the capital

Starting point is 01:12:55 center in New Hampshire capital center for the arts and conquered next year I want to be up here all yeah July and August I'm gonna I'm gonna give you some names hook you up with some rooms up here Let's do it cuz yeah, we should do a show of dirty clean. Oh, yeah clean. There's well. I gotta go first clean dirt Yeah, you go first I go second. I've had a freaking go after you at you murder at freaking comics come home, dude Don't have to you is not a good spot. Did you have to meet? I I don't remember one year I went up to shimmy. Well, near the end, I was next to the lesson, Dane closed it.

Starting point is 01:13:27 So it was like a, you said, oh good. Like, yeah, but that was Shimmel, that was because Shimmel's built it. And if you go late in that show, in the dirties, and then the next time, the second time I did it twice, the other time I did it, I went, oh, I love my spot, oh, I went after Dennis, I went first.

Starting point is 01:13:44 I took, I love that spot, because you know, when I first fight, but, um, but I know people have gone after you and have said, ah, I had to go off to Bobby Kelly and it was, it was hard. Well, you know, he always had me close it, but then they'd me close it after Bur one year. Yeah, but not always, not always, because I'm like, dude, look, man, I can't close. Yeah. I'm grateful that they have me every year. I really am. It's a great event. I'm so proud to be there, but it's a guys man.

Starting point is 01:14:10 It's hard for you every year to go up with that lineup with all that talent. You have to do different, you're changing your stuff, I imagine. Yeah, I have to do different sets every year. So that's, yeah, that's it. That's it's gonna work. Yeah. That happens with me with the, I do this buzz ball thing here on every year. And so I've done a different 10 minutes for a decade. I've done 10 times 10. Yeah. That happens with me with the, I do this buzz ball thing here on, uh, every year.

Starting point is 01:14:25 And it's all I've done a different 10 minutes for a decade. I've done 10 times 10. Yeah. I like for the, and it's, it's, yeah, it's gets to be 13 to 17,000 people. Yeah. It's, you know, Jimmy fouling went up this year, the lineup. So now, Chris Stefano, you got, um, Roy Woods, Jr. is on it.

Starting point is 01:14:42 Yep. Founds on it again. Yep. Yep. Uh, some of the ladies on it. I had to follow fucking Malaney and Pete Holmes. I had to follow all these fucking, it's like you go up. No, I know, it's crazy. You're just selling out theaters or you go up last.

Starting point is 01:15:00 My rule is if you're making the money, earn it. If you're making the money, earn it. If you make the money, earn it. I should go up in the middle. And the middle. My friend Carolyn Plummer is doing it this year. Supposed to have pulled COVID. She's on that show.

Starting point is 01:15:15 Oh good. Yeah, I work with her a lot. She's from the Hampshire. Oh great. Yeah, so you'll see her. She's great. Well, I'm doing that this year. But dude, up here and up.

Starting point is 01:15:23 Are you in the friend? I'm in the friend. Oh yeah, you look good. This is my second. I didn't know this was a I should have known it was video, but I would have wore a shirt with some neck strength. Look at this thing. Yes. All right, listen. Look at this thing. Can't even hold a mic. Chad, are we got where's the where's the stuff? Mosh, are you there Mosh? I mean, there's some new topics, but we're already at an hour 10. And his story was made more interesting than the news topics.

Starting point is 01:15:49 All right, well, we're at an hour 10 already. Yes, sir. Listen, this has been awesome special tonight. Special tonight. What's the website? Justin McKenney. It's Justin with an oh, see it's right there. J U S T O N McKenney.

Starting point is 01:16:02 I'll come all my tour dates. I've got a mall over New Hampshire this fall. I'm going to Wisconsin, I get some other stuff, but I'm starting to come back down to New York, by the way. Oh, good, come down. I'm pulling myself out of that, what we talked about. I'm like, I just gotta be Paul, like you said, live in the moment, do what I'm doing now, have fun.

Starting point is 01:16:16 I was down, I saw a whole bunch of New York guys a couple of weeks ago, and so you'll be seeing me. Oh, good. And then you come back on the podcast, come in the studio. I would love to, with the comedians, but I just want you to come up here. No, I hope you'll be seeing me. Oh good. And then you come back on the podcast, come in the studio. I would love to. Yeah, I'm just coming up here. No, I hope you guys liked the episode.

Starting point is 01:16:29 Make sure you go to comicwearables.com and get yourself 20% off by using code word Ladybugs. What are we doing? What's the chat, dude? One of these fucking lunatics. I got one on my face. Is anyone want to ask me something? What's that?

Starting point is 01:16:44 I can't see it without my glasses. I don't know. Oh me something? What's that? I can't see it without my glasses. I don't know. Oh, I can't see it. I don't even know how the chat thing works. I'm going to go on at eight tonight. Just I guess they'll tell me how it works. On the YouTube. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:57 So it's just all the computer. And then I'll ask you guys go watch the special tonight. It's live. It's free. Give me a tip if you have some fucking cash. And make sure that you leave a comment and give it a thumbs up. Seriously, you're gonna love it.

Starting point is 01:17:13 He's fucking hilarious. He's a true boss and comedian. And all right, make sure you go to patreon.com, slash Robert Kelly. If you're watching this on YouTube, if you're watching it from Patreon, if you're a supporter on my Patreon channel, you get all these lives.

Starting point is 01:17:28 You get to be in the chat, you get to watch it live, you get everything, and you get an extra YKWD every week just for the Patreon people owner, and you support your boy, Bob Kelly. Hit the like button, comment, and subscribe. If you're not gonna do that, at least you do that. That's the least you can do. Subscribe, like, comment, and make sure you go to my website.

Starting point is 01:17:51 I will be at Soul Joe's on the 10th, and also I'm going to the LaFactory Chicago, McKenzie Theater in McKenzie in Illinois, and Montchonk, PA, I'm gonna be a new town PA. I got a bunch of shows coming up. So make sure you get your tickets. And yeah, and my specials coming out in September. I'm leaving everything in. I'm going to take the hit. I'm going to take the hit. My mom's not going to talk to me. My sister's going to hate me. Niels never going to look at me.

Starting point is 01:18:22 I'm not going to be going back to the mobile head for a while, but I'm doing it for you, you cock suckers. But if it was my kid, I probably wouldn't do it. But that's coming out in September, and you're paying for it. How's that? How's that? You're charging people for ya. You're charging people.

Starting point is 01:18:35 Yeah, it's going on luiciekate.com. And there's a minimal fee to support me. So I love you guys. You're the best. Just thanks for coming on. Thanks, Bob. Be sure to make sure, make sure you check him out as we at Yanis thanks for coming on. Thanks, Bob. Be sure. That might be sure.

Starting point is 01:18:46 Make sure you check him out as with Janus Popus. I don't go Vinnie's coming up soon. Anything else, mush? That's it. You guys are great. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you know what, then we'll see you next week. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening.

Starting point is 01:19:10 Now go back to your shitty jobs. you

Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Juston McKinney "Moose and a Deer"

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