Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Kicking Ass | KP Burke and Seaton Smith

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

This week Bobby sits down with KP Burke and Seaton Smith. They talk about when Bobby was almost attacked in the Subway, KP not wanting to eat from an Asian food truck outside of a strip club, and Seaton learning to fight from Tiger Schulmann's Karate. FOLLOW KP BURKE https://kpburkesucks.com/ https://www.instagram.com/kpburkesucks/?hl=en FOLLOW SEATON SMITH https://www.seatonsmith.com/ https://www.instagram.com/seatonsmith/?hl=en https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOy1H8eCdN0&t=1s Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I told you this, you and Jim Norton came up in my interview. Nice. Wow, that's a bad sign. It was very strange. Wow. Your boss is a piece of shit. He's great, so he's talking to me and we work down the street from the dojo

and I'm in the interview with them and I think he's messing with me because he keeps saying goes oh yes like what else do you do like I think he like maybe he knows me from comedy goes oh yeah I'm a really big ONA fan you know like Norton and and you know Voss and Bobby and all those guys I was like all right this guy's dead because he's seen me before and I finally just I said I was like yes I know this guy's there I get to work with them sometimes it's great well he just goes oh cool man and I was like all, I was like, yeah, I know this guy's there. I get to work with them sometimes, it's great. Well, he just goes, oh cool man, and I was like, all right, I outed myself now in my own job interview.

And then they hired me right after that. Quick question. What year did you interview him? A year ago. Yeah, I've only been at this job since December. So December, he said, my favorite comic's an ONA comic? Yeah, keep in mind, I'm the young guy at our shop. I'm 36.

When was the last ONA event? Wow. 10 years, 10 years? Yeah, interesting. ONA was the, yes, yeah, that was a biggish. That was like stern back then. So this fan base will never die. I mean, soon they will.

They'll all be dead in around five years. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what, dude, live. Welcome, everybody, to the show. YKWD. I started social media and podcasting. The fact. The YKWD Podcast.

YKWD's back again. Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all. YKWD. This podcast is so fun. YKW Dude Podcast YKWD's back again Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all YKWD This podcast is so fun and crazy and has no rules God, how are you ruining this?

Where's the bomb data, man? I'm sorry, it's a comedy podcast This isn't NPR That's what this podcast does Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly. We're back. Comedy Seller Studios, above the world famous Comedy Seller.

And you know what, dude? Show's been killing it. Make sure if you're watching this, just hit the Subscribe button if you're on YouTube. Like, comment, let us know you're into it. If you wanna really get into it and support the show, patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. And you can be on the Patreon

where you get the episode first, you get the extra episode, all kinds of cool stuff. And I wanna thank all the ladybugs that are over there. We got a great show today. I can't hear myself in my headphones, but that's okay. I have three autistic kids who don't know where my headphone plug is. Don't, don't you help them.

Don't you move, KP. You're right. Testing. Testing, testing, nope. Hello yeah that's it all right we got a great guest max who do we got today we get two guests yeah we got a KP Burke and Seton Smith happy to be here man happy to be here too what's up guys what's up man how we do we really need these do we this microphone sounds like good, by the way. All right. Oh, this feels real. Oh, we're back in real life now. I know the headphone. We only need the headphones. I don't know why we have them on. We have them on for the

TV if we go to something. Yeah, I just popped off stage down at the pussy cat. Get it? I say, okay. Jersey, cat, get it? I say, okay. So we're here. You have a new special out, coming out. You're filming it this weekend? Recording, yeah, we just found out. I'm like five tickets away from selling this bad boy out. Oh wow.

Are we live? Thank you, yeah. All right, we're live. So if you're in Jersey or New York. I'm on the last five, man, please, I'm begging you. That's your camera, that's my camera. That's my camera right there. I'm no Bobby Kelly, but come on.

Don't drag me into this. Dude. All right, just shut your face and blew your plug. I'm an active gay man in the community. Don't down me by putting me up. When I hear compliments, I hear bad things. Oh, okay, I forgot. It's 900 degrees up here, you know why?

Because they forgot to turn the AC on. Do you know why? Because they forgot to turn the AC on. Do you know why? Because there's no more AC. Well they have a fucking, I hate both of you guys, all three of you. And you shot a special at the garden. Yeah, I shot a special at the garden last year. That's a little different than the Dojo

and Morris Plains, but okay. No, no, no, the energy's going to be hot for you. How so? I don't know emotionally. How did you shoot at the garden? Dude, cause I just asked Mulaney cause I was opening for him and he was doing three nights there and I was like, well, can I shoot a special here? I mean, I've only seen two other people shot specials there. I'll be the third. Be hilarious. Was that when he was doing coke? No, I was back. God do you think that you want to shoot a special whip it up, do your thing. Go ahead, whatever you want. Let him shoot a special.

Whip it up, go ahead, push the buttons. What do you need, cameras? He didn't hang out with me during the Coke years, thank God. No, I know, right? I'm not a fun cake, I'm not fun with Coke. I'm a pothead, I'm always wanna go to sleep by 11. They're always up, they're up, doing things.

You dress so funky. Thanks, man. I do this so I don't just feel sad the more I look in the mirror. I realize, you get a little bit. Milani got that shit on me too. Wear a suit, just like look like myself Well, he has that European English

Gentleman body he does it's just he's just a tall glass of water. Yeah, you know what I mean? Looks like Caitlin Clark, right? Yeah, like me and you have the same body. We we don't fit we have to get two different suits The top one to go with the bottom we gain and lose weight in our necks. Yeah. All right. Well, don't lump me into that I don't have the same body as you I said body not next your neck is awful Question Robert you were like a fit king and you're like what year was that where you were like you because you were muscular I've seen the pictures. I've seen the pictures with the hair and the goatee and the muscles So you know you were doing that and to what? well, it was

1970 to 1978 and then 1983 to 85 and then Crowe Bobby was hot and that yeah Giving you the times I was sexy. Okay. Yeah, I got fat a bunch of time. Oh shit. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm giving you the times I was sexy. That's okay. Yeah, I got fat a bunch of times. Oh shit, okay. Yeah, dude. And then 19, I would say 92, 90 to 98. And then-

Most of the 90s. 2007 to 2006 to 2009. And then I just went off the rails. Okay. And then I was fat until two years ago. Yeah, it was, yeah dude, but you've been this your whole life. No, no, no, I didn't start fighting until I was 33. Before then I was just a skinny guy running. Yeah, this is the thing.

You don't know. Yeah, he said fighting. You heard that, right? Yeah, yeah. He dropped that in like where? Subtle. Oh, no, yeah, I got into the, no, he dropped that in like where subtle I haven't water-called it in the long time

I don't know what the way easiest way to say cuz you know, yeah That's why I do cuz I only do it for I'm amateur but I get to fight like are you an amateur fighter? I mean you do tournaments and stuff done like ten. I did another one. What do you what do you what is your art? I guess there's no real official art, but I turn a tiger showman and stuff. I've done like 10. I did another one in December. What is your art? I guess, there's no real official art, but I trained Tiger Showman, and they're officially mixed. The mall karate? Yeah, they went from mall karate to mixed martial arts. That's real? I know, I know.

I thought that was the karate kid, like Kota Kai. Yeah, I know. They were diked that, and then they switched it up. They diked it? They changed it a little bit, because they finally got like, uh, I mean, they're around. They like to like to fight everybody's that's kind of a thing but now they got a bunch of UFC fighters at one point I want to say something. I always thought Tiger Showman was like a scam Like Mac should be doing that women that are trying to prevent their own dead. Yeah

Yeah Well, it's like some guy going you want to do is bend their thumbs back and then when they get they try to do it And the guy's stronger than them and he can't do it. And they're going, hi, hi, all right, okay. Yeah, in my defense, I didn't actually like- Beep that. I didn't go through all the yellow pages and just like, you'll compare.

Where did you go to- Where is it? It was in Williamsburg and it was two blocks away from my house and I was like, you want to go? I had a girlfriend at the time, I was like, we're just going on a date. I was like, yeah, let's do that. So we did a date.

You did a date at Tiger Showman? A karate date? Yeah, it was a date and then like- That's actually romantic. Yeah, it was nothing but couples there too. It was a bunch of couples there. You put your hands on somebody and it's like, it's like when you go to a movie

to see if a girl can be quiet. So you say illegal assault is what you get into. It's a way of- It's not assault if they consent. You know, I- I mean, that's just law. Well, you tell my wife that She has a salt face on when i'm doing a tour

I mean, yeah, i'm just on it tiger shulmans. Just just breaking boards and dead really I could yeah She's a tough guy. I watched her put together furniture in new hampshire once I gotta come back in though. We we don't cut we don't cut but we don't break boards but continue your story There's no board breaking. I haven't been there for the board breaking. That's all I ain't gonna love. You watch my wife putting furniture together? Well, yes Bobby.

We put together furniture for the board breaking. What do you mean we? What is this shit? Dawn and I, as we- Dawn and I? Don't proper English my wife. I thought that was a YouTube channel. I was watching that too. I love watching you and I put up furniture.

K, P, and D put furniture together out in the woods. It sounds like a porn you piece of shit. We put together furniture for the tiny home and then uh, yeah And then Max left a squishy ball in my in my car. That sounds perverted to what are you talking about my kids nuts? I don't know man No, because I hope for your babies. I took people don't know this about me, but I took Kempo Karate. Oh, that's hardcore. Which is... Chuck Liddell.

Kempo, yeah, Chuck Liddell and Elvis. No shit. Elvis, that was his, his Karate, yeah. No, he swept Ali once. There's a story, a famous story where he swept Ali once he came over, it's like, I'm gonna fuck you up, he's like, Ali, what are you talking about?

Ah, that was hilarious. It was one of those, so yeah. Elvis, Elvis did, Ed Parker was who brought Kempo Karate to Hawaii, or as they said, Hawaii. And he, you know, whatever, and I wound up, I wound up going, it was so funny, because I'm such a ham. I remember I was going through a time in my life,

and before comedy, I was in high school, just about to graduate, and I was lonely through a time in my life, and before comedy, I was in high school, just about to graduate, and I was lonely and shit, so I drove by the karate sign on the highway, and I went in, and I met with the guy, and I was like, can you teach me? He was like, what? He was just an Italian, his name was Tony Caligliaro, he was just a chubby Italian guy.

Yeah, yeah, sign right here. 100 bucks. Here's your belt, here's your geese. See you tomorrow. It wasn't like this. I thought it was going to be like, you have to first walk on samurai sword and blow out fire without using your mouth. Some shit like that.

It was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, guy right there, kid. I need the money. Give me your money. Yeah. You asked me questions like, yeah, yeah, yeah, guy right here, kid. I need the money. Give me your money. Yeah, yeah. They asked me questions like, do you feel nervous on the street? And I was just like, well, nah, I run. I'm not, I'm not running everybody.

Is it Tyner Showman or Scientology? No, they invite you in and ask about, you know, and ask you, what's that question they ask? Is it the emotion test or what's that test they call? Cause they have to grab a bar. It's always a bar involved. You grab it and they test you on something. Clear. The Thetans, Thetans, Thetans. Dianetics, right? Yeah. I'm reading. I'm not all the way done with it yet. I, I, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh He joined and me and her were both fat people, so we slowly kept going to the all-you-can-eat

Italian buffet across the street before Campo Carati. And then, I remember one time we went and I went in and I had sauce on my ghee. You disrespected Ocho, Robert. And I split my ghee that night. I remember I heard a rip. Tony was like, I've my G that night. I remember her rip the guy the Tony was like I've never seen that I Was so I was such a fatso at that time and then we broke up shortly after that and I stopped going to Kempo karate I just stopped going a woman can ruin things like that. Yeah, I mean I liked it. It was alright, but it was too much

Too many caddis Yeah, you can sometimes get bored with drilling, sometimes you want to punch people. And that's why Tiger Strong allows us enough amount of like, all right, I can get my punch out, and then, all right, I'm hurting, let's drill. You guys fight inside, I remember we used to spar. Yeah, but we still had gloves.

With the little gloves and the little feety things. Feety things, oh yeah, we got like shins and even the head gear and stuff too. Yeah, head gear, I remember my head gear. I remember one time I got a little cocky and a friend of mine was in there and I hit him in the face And he spun cuck spun kick really he went Oh, yeah, and he's been kicked and hit me in the side of the head and I saw birds And I was like, okay, that's not fun. This is a Boston Italian guy teaching karate. Yeah

All right, so it's Nick DiPaolo teaching karate Boston Italian guy teaching karate? Yeah. Alright, so it's Nick DiPaolo teaching karate? Well, the guy I kicked was. I remember I broke my toe and my guy was such like a jokester Italian guy, a little chubby dude. He's like, you want to call a toe truck? I was like, uh... That's funny actually. Now I broke my toe too like two years ago and it just keeps being just broke. You got to look at it like a broke toe and it just gets fat and just sits there and you got to ask it to stop hurting. There's nothing to hurting. There's no science for toes. What belt do you? I'm black belt now. Really? Yeah, no it's really fun now. Wow. Yeah, but I have a

hitting story too. I remember one time I broke up with a girl and I remember I felt really heartbroken. I didn't get a cage sparring match and this dude hit me so hard I came out I got over the girl. I was just, I was. I was gonna say, I came. Ha ha ha! Dude hit me so hard, I just jizzed all over his leg. Right. And that's what I'm into. Ha ha ha.

Yeah, yeah, I was happy. Either way, I was a good happiness. So he hit you so hard, what happened? You were like, I'm out? No, no, no, I just got, I don't know if it was a concussion or something, I just stopped, I got over the girl. It's us. I just got out, I was like, ah, you know, things will happen.

You know, I went in there, oh, I'm sad. Ah, shit happens, life is life. I don't know if that was a lighthearted concussion, but he hit the fuck out of me. I would not want to get, I would not want to get my ass kicked by you because you're so happy. I wouldn't want you, a guy that beat me up smiling like him.

It is fun to beat somebody up smiling. Have you ever hurt somebody in the street, like beat somebody up in the street? Trish, no, no, no, because nobody ever goes that far. It's so weird. Every time, I look like a certain kind of like, I come off of demeanor as like, hey, I think in my head, like I'll kind of like, because I want to be like,

I couldn't fight for 33 years of my life. So in my head, I have a running kind of mentality. And so, so then now, so now I can fight at 43, nine years of fighting. So it's fun, it's a shift. So people go, oh, this little bitch, I'm gonna, and they look, I can see the look, when they look me up and down, and they, man, I'm gonna,

oh, and they negotiate. You see that shit, oh wow, before they'd be like, fuck you. Now it's like. So if you, you fuck with me in the street, right? Where's your camera? Where's his camera? My camera's right there. All right.

Okay. Look into the camera. So, hey, what's up, man? Okay. How you doing? Okay, hey. Hey, hey what's up man? How you doing? Hey, what's up man? What you looking at, fucking bitch? You want to fucking do this?

I'll beat the shit out of you right now, you motherfucker. That was my laugh. If you laugh, it makes people so nervous. Why was that so frightening? The more calm you are, right? That's not calm, that's giddy. Yeah, it's fun. There is a joy, because I know it's illegal to hurt people.

So when you know there's a sense, oh, I can actually hurt you. When you actually spar so much, there's some dudes, I go so light on so many people, that sometimes some dudes hit me hard and spar and I go, oh, I can actually fight you. And then you hit and then you see they kind of switch and want to run away. But when a dude actually wants to fight, I go, oh, I can actually fight you. And then you hit, and then you see they kind of switch and want to run away. But when a dude actually wants to fight, fight, that's why I get it. I do like 11 tournaments.

You let it out once or twice a year. You breathe, it's nice. You're tough too though. See, I'm the opposite of him though. I was tough and then now I forget that I'm a pussy now. Oh. So they, yeah, I've gone through it. I was a little bit of a...

Yeah, but you look like you'd fucking crush somebody's head and just go like, I killed the rabbit. Exactly, yeah. What did Cannon say about me one time? Cannon told me that if he could beat me up, if he could like strike at me from a distance, but if I got my hands on anything, it would die. Yeah.

I felt good about that. I wrote on that for a minute. Yeah. Call him a bear. Bear, oh yeah, good point. Yeah, yeah. He has that vibe too. It's in the community. No, you're right.

You look like you're the professional in prison. You gotta go see KP. What? Go wake up the gimp. Yo KP, get this asshole ready for me. I bet you fall in love too. When was the last time you got in a fight? Navy.

Really, the Navy? Yeah. Who'd you fight, another Navy guy? A guy in my department on the USS Carney. Why? When you're out at sea for too long, after you're done having sex with each other, there's just nothing else to do with your time.

I'm sorry, what? Oh, okay, you're kidding. No, we were out at sea for like 90 days or something. So the way the military screws you is if you're out for 90 days or longer, you get family separation pay, which is a little pay bump. So what they do is they take you out for 88 days and bring you back.

I think you told me this before, but you didn't get it. No, so they were screwing us over on the money on that. So everybody was high tensions. And then even people you love, you wind up like just getting sick of. It's like family out there a little bit, you know? And then me and this guy, he always had a line. Jesus Christ, you just gave us,

listen, we're not gonna tell him. I mean, you don't have to give us all this backstory of why you fucked somebody up. I'm riveted, I like your story. I punched him three days before his wedding day. You did not. Oh! You're seriously ashamed.

Where'd you punch him, in the face? I decked him in the face, I thought we were going. Why? Well, so we started, I don't have very many great lines in my life. I have a couple great ideas every now and then. The one great line I had was this one guy and I loved him to death, Chris Gabbani.

You were like, I'm not a chef. That's a- Oh, an under siege reference? Wow, that's good. That was brilliant. I love you, Bobby. All right, good. What would you say?

It was, this kid would always tell us, a fire Italian kid from Connecticut or whatever. He had the little like pencil mustache, like a 1920s gangster. Yeah, or a gay sailor. That's it. Fuck, all right, there were signs. Oh wow.

God, I beat up a gay guy. Oh man, decked him on the deck. Well, what would have happened was, he would always tell us, it was always, whatever he said, it was always, I'll beat the fucking shit out of you guys if you don't, whatever the thing was. It didn't matter what it was. He could fit it into anything, but he, uh, so finally he said that and I was like, you know, uh, you know, Cole Foddy, you're always telling us you're going to beat the fuck out of us.

You just never seem to do it though, do you? And I just stared at him and he goes, birthing five minutes. And so we walk out of the general workshop, we go down to the birthing, and I'm thinking we're just gonna talk to each other. Is that where sailors have babies? That's where pretty much it's... The birthing? That's where we all live in our tiny little coffins out at sea. Okay. It's a terrifying life on a destroyer. Okay. But so we wind up getting face to face down there. I think we're gonna just talk, right? You're hoping making out.

There was better looking dudes on the boat, but he winds up shoving me, comes like right in like fiery dude. He was East Coast, I was East Coast, everybody else is from the South, so they're kind of a little bit more mellow. They'll tell you to fuck off, but really they just mean like that's not my favorite,

is their kind of thing to say. But anyway, so he shoved me, shoved me I think twice and then I just reacted. I'm not even a puncher, I wrestled in high school and I just decked him in the face with a left and then we were throwing each other. I went up tossing him into a wall at one point and then we're fighting on the sofa. He grabbed my head and started punching the top of my head like that. That's what a head like. Why you let that happen man? Come on, wrestler. So I had him in a single leg, that's why.

Oh beautiful. That was his only move. See? Tiger Shulman has done well. I got respect from a black belt man. I feel good right now. That's the gayest conversation I've ever had. We're fighting in tight space. MC's tuning. I just had Norton on this podcast. Well I punched him in the face and then we get separated and I still don't know why, but I yelled in Spanish at him.

I don't speak Spanish either. What did you say? To an Italian? No, so he was Italian. I said, que paso? is what I said to him. I have no idea why. What does it mean? I think it's what's up.

I don't even know. Solid. So it was, it was our, our lead petty officer was a Mexican dude from Santa Barbara. So you're trying to get his attention? I guess. Que paso! Me scared! Your mustache is just perfect enough. You pulled that off by the way. Que paso! That's crazy. Well they separated us and then like like 20 minutes later you're hugging each other you're like I love you I'm really sorry. And that's when you guys made out. And then we made out a little bit but a couple days later he went on leave and got married. His girlfriend was a she's

absolute sweetheart I'm still Facebook friends with her. She they got married. Wait a minute you're talking to a dude's wife? Oh yeah everybody's friendly. Okay. You know each other because they all lived on base and stuff. Okay. But she was a sweetheart and she goes to me she goes you asshole we had to pay the makeup artist an extra hour for The makeup artist to make the Shiner you gave my husband go away in our wedding photos. She was just joking though, right? She actually asked me afterwards. She goes how good did it feel to punch my He passed away years later, but yeah, so it's a, yeah, I didn't want to not answer him. It's not these questions.

I'm bad at this. He's fucking ruined a really good story. Now we know the guy's dead because of his head trauma you gave him. Guy had five years of dementia because you fucking hit him too hard. Can I tell you this though, before he did pass away, he got himself,

because he was an in-shape dude, right? And then he got super jacked after that. I think the, like just the abject horror of knowing that he lost a fight to me made him get in the best shape of his life. And then he started training MMA too, actually. Really? So yeah, good dude, man.

He changed his life. Yeah, Chris Colfani, good dude. When was the last fight you got into? The last fight fight was December. I did a tournament. I had to fight five dudes. Five guys at once? No, one.

Like Bruce LeRoy? No, God, I wish it fight five dudes. Five guys at once? No, one- Like Bruce Leroy? No, God, I wish it'd be fun. I wish it'd be fun. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, heyookee yookee hot, sookie to me, sookie, no, okay. All right. She's dope. I've never gotten like, you've had so many good stories. I never had any like, I never got to save anybody. If I stepped in and like stopped stuff, like I think I told you before, one time I was

on walking from home from the cellar and I just saw this small short Puerto Rican dude yelling at like Ubers, like, hey man, taxi, taxi, and they were like, we're in Uber. Oh, you racist, huh? You don't pick up black people. And I'm like, well, everything about this confusing. And so, and so he goes to 14th Street and he sees his African couple walking, and he says, you see what they're doing? They're oppressing us. And they're like, what are you even talking about? Oh, you don't give a fuck about our oppression? And I'm like, I could get on the train or I could follow this story. So I'm like, ah, you know what?

I'm gonna keep walking, I'm gonna follow. So I follow, and they're like, get scared. They cross the street, he just wants to follow them. I'm like, nah, hey man, you done now. And he looks at me, he's like, what the fuck you gonna do? And he walks up to me and I immediately look in his pockets and I couldn't see a weapon, and I noticed he was extra short short,

and it was still daylight, and we're on 14th Street, there had to be cameras, so there's no reason to beat his ass. So I was like, I'm not gonna beat your ass. But then I thought to myself, I can't out crazy him, because he was being so crazy. I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck you.

And so I thought to myself, how can I make him go less crazy? So he was going, you see all the fucking pandemic, all this stuff happening? I'm like, all I see is God right now. All I see is God in beautiful light, just shining on me right now.

He's like, and we kept going back and forth for about three blocks until he went, I mean, what are you going to do right now? And then he's like, how you doing, man? Thank you very much. And he walked away. Saved. I saved him. I have the most terrifying sense I've ever heard. I know. I just see God right now. He's telling it nice, right?

Yeah. I see God right now. With fucking wooden beads talking about seeing God. I would fucking run the other way. That guy the next day is like, Lenny Kravitz came to me and said he saw God. Exactly, exactly, you can only out crazy him if you can actually fight for it. If you can't fight, then how crazy is,

then you're really crazy. So you really have a, I mean, here's the problem. If I knew, if I was a black belt or something, I'd fuck up those three kids where I would I would kick the shit out of them. Where's my headphone? Nah I mean for me it was like I got because I've been because again I started at 33 so I've seen too many people get hurt before and I had friends of mine I had a Marine he's a special ops dude he actually got his picture on Time magazine once coming out of a helicopter and Grenada, he had a machine gun, yeah and I

was like oh shit, he shows me guns and he just told me number one, hey listen man, I know you got to know your little kung fu stuff, win your little tournaments, but there are people out there who really want to kill people, people love killing people, so just, I was like oh yeah, that's a good point, and so yeah, I'm really I'm afraid of like, there are like ex-soldiers out there who are constantly just waiting to just snap Yeah, you never know who you're gonna get. Well brings me to this. I don't know if you know this but this year I Was attacked in the subway. I

Was coming down on 14th Street The FM line and I went down the wrong way and they're doing all this construction over there on 14th and 6, and I went down the wrong way, and they're doing all this construction over there, on 14th and 6th, and I went the wrong way, and I didn't hit a guy, but I almost did, and he kind of like moved out of the way, and started flipping out, fucking cock, fuck watch where you're going, dude, you pussy bitch, you know, all this shit,

and I didn't say anything, I went down my stairs, and he went down his, but then I kind of had to go back where he was. And he was like, you following me, motherfucker? And he came at me and I yelled. I was like, knock the fuck off. And he was like, fuck you. We started like, it got like we're gonna fight now.

You know what I mean? It was just, I kind of got stuck in this thing with this guy. I saw you spin around on somebody in the street one time. We were going to Coll Colin's one man show at the Minetta Theater or whatever it was, and James from the comedy shop tapped you on the shoulder and swiped your hat off your head.

And I watched you spin around with the anger of every Boston person I've ever met in my life. I was gonna punch him in the face. You looked like it was 03. Well this guy, I wound up, we were kinda fuckin' ready to go, and he came at me and I pushed him, and I pushed him really hard, and he, you know,

like, whatever, and he went back, almost on his ass. Oh, I didn't know that part of the story. And I know that he, at that moment, he was like, all right, this is, I would've been a problem for him physically, just cause he was a thin Puerto Rican dude, probably my age, and I pushed him, and I was like, knock it the fuck off, whatever I said, and that's when he was like,

all right, he didn't want to do that, so he took out a knife, and he flicked the knife out, and he was like, you're dead, motherfucker. And that's when I fucking, I just stood my ground, and I was like, let's go, and I wrapped my jacket around my arm, and I'm kidding, I ran. I ran really fast that way. I took out my whistle.

Well, if I had a whistle, I would, whew, whew, whew, dude. Knife is out on knives. He took out the knife, and he started, he was swiping, trying to hit me and I had my Starbucks bag with my little cheese pack in it. I was so ready to go to bonfire. It was my first week at bonfire and I had my bag and I had my Louis Vuitton cross body, I had my phone, my cheese, my cheese and apple peanut butter thing. Once I I said, once I saw him at the fear of death, he goes, I can call him whatever he wants.

I know who you are, man, that's crazy. He was a beautiful man, though. He looked good that day. I ain't gonna lie, he had the satchel. Did we get the satchel? The Gucci satchel? Was it Gucci? Louvete.

Louvete, I'm sorry, excuse me. Excuse me, I don't want to insult the man. Louvete. So I fucking, he was slicing my bag. He was like, trying to hit me, trying to kill me, slice me, at least slice me up. Maybe not kill me, but slice, give me a nice thing. And then I was running back and he's like,

you pussy motherfucker, I knew you were a pussy. I felt, I was gonna say, I'm the pussy, like you have a knife. And I didn't think of it. And I literally, I said to him, and it's in my joke, but I go, you're gonna stab me over words? As soon as I said it, I was like, yeah. You told that Puerto Rican with a knife,

you're like, listen, I can either bring you on to a podcast network, and eventually start Legion of Skanks. So I was going back, and then he kicked my, I had my phone like this, and I seen him look down and just kick my phone into the tracks, and it was just gone. And I was so like, that shocked me more

than him trying to stab me. They kicked your phone, that would fuck me up. Well, I was just like, my phone's on the tracks, and he's like, I'm gonna kill you, and I'm like, I know, dude, but what the fuck is that? Seriously, I was going, my phone's on the fucking tracks, bro. And he's like, you're dead, and I go, I know, I heard dude, but my phone, I don't, what the fuck is that? That, seriously, I was going, my phone's on the fucking tracks, bro. And he's like, you're dead. And I go, I know, I heard you, my fucking phone.

Yeah, but there's pictures of my dick over there on my phone. He was, he thought, at that point he was like, yeah, whatever, and he left. I probably saved your life, actually. That crazy ass just responded. Yeah, I was just on my phone. I was like, I wanted my phone.

Yeah. My wallet's on it, all this shit. See, you're crazy or crazy. The guy, the orange vest guy walks up, and I'm like, dude, this guy tried to stab me. He's like, I know, I saw it, that was crazy. I was like, all right, well, that's where we are with this. So I'm not, I gotta go. I gotta be at the bonfire in a half hour.

And I'm like, how do I get my phone? He goes, you can't, I couldn't jump down. I got like a torn meniscus and a plantar fasciitis. So I had to go upstairs, over across street, downstairs to the booth. I called my wife and I asked the lady, she's like, I'll call the guy, but it's gonna take an hour.

And I was like, fuck, I gotta go, I don't even know where it is. So I'm coming back, I gotta go back over and kind of try to find where my phone is who do I run into? Oh me I'm Tara really yeah, I was sitting there. See I walked by Seton, and I'm still fucking shook I'm still like he could be there I don't even know if he's you know I'm sure I got to kind of keep my spidey senses on. It's like your best possible person to find it. Buddy I looked at him I'm like yo he's a game of course he's like hey what's up I'm like

dude guy just tried to kill me what where is he? I mean this showling monk shit he was like where is he let's go get him. No no no no no no no no he wanted to go find the monk. It was hot. I was bored. I was like, I was rangers. Somebody makes me crazy. This guy was like, where is he? I was like, I don't want to find him. I go, but my wallet, he kicked my wallet on my phone on the tracks and it had my wallet on it.

He's like, oh, all right. I go, can you just call my phone? So we're calling it. I remember like, I thought it was over here, but it was over there, and we heard it ringing, and we finally located it, and it was right there, but it's on the other side of the third rail. And he's like, yeah, man, you probably just pop down

and grab that. And I was like, I got a bad knee. And he was like, what? I was like, I got a tornormeniscus and I got plant, I can't, and he's like, fuck. You and Agent Smith from The Matrix should not die the same way. I'm gonna be honest about that.

Did he have a Tormeniscus? That's probably what it was, the Legend of The Matrix. No, it was on a trade. I think I slept in the third one. It was the first one. I, it's all right. So I looked at him and he's like, fuck you. He's like, God damn it.

I was like, I was like, there's no lights. I was like, I think you got like, what is it, three minutes in between each train? Four minutes? Dude, this motherfucker hopped down. I never seen got like, what is it, three minutes in between each train, four minutes? Dude, this motherfucker hopped down. I never seen nothing like, first of all, if I had hopped down, I wasn't getting back up. I was gonna have to crawl underneath while the train came

and hang with the rats until the train. And I would have asked for like three people to pull me up. And you hopped down, grabbed the phone, was coming back, and I was like, my wallet? Is that? Is that? Basically, you wanna show the people the wallet situation? The magnet situation?

It's a magnet, so the wallet fell off, and he was like halfway back ready to jump. I was like, can I have my wallet? He's like, god damn it. And you went back and you grabbed my wallet. That was horrible, because it was right under the third rail. The third rail space is like,

if you show for the camera, it was like this amount of space between the third rail and his wallet. That was horrible, because it was right under the third rail. The third rail space is like, if you show for the camera, it was like this amount of space between the third rail and his wallet. See, I'd be terrified, isn't one of them charged? Yeah, that's the third rail. I'm too scurvy. That was the one I'm charged. That was how close it was.

So my wallet was like underneath? Yeah, it was like that kind of close. Like that type shit, right? Like slowly. And there's a train coming at some point. Shaky hand type shit. That was interesting. That was, ugh. I was, ugh. But you got it. Yeah. Shaky hand type shit. That was interesting. I was like, ugh, ugh.

But you got it. Yeah. And then he popped back up like parkour. Yeah. I mean, two seconds. This is Ninja Turtle shit. Legit. Gave me my fucking thing.

Yeah. And saved the day for me. Yeah, walking to the train. Hell yeah, dude. What? Yeah, I walked you to the next train, remember that? All right, relax. I did, I had to walk you.

Can we lose that part of the story? I didn't feel you walk, man. That was really important, I feel like to the next train, remember that? All right, relax. I did, I had to walk home that. Can we lose that part of the story? I didn't want to walk, man. That was really important, I feel like. I felt like that was the part I felt good about. I was like, made you feel safe. Call me when you get home, Bobby, so I know you made it safe. Did you walk me to the train?

I walked you to the next train, yeah. Walked you to the F train. I was like, all right, good luck with the bonfires. I was like, yeah, all right, cool, I'll see you, man. I was like, all right, well, no, it's kind of, you know, if I could find some friends. Did you ask to come on as a guest right then and there? He came on. I came in later, but I did not ask for it.

Oh, see, if that had happened with me, I would be like, can I come on? You're like, ah, it's like a thing. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, all right, well, no, it's kind of, you know. Did you ask to come on as a guest right then and there? He came on. I came in later, but I did not ask for it. Oh, see, if that had happened with me, I would have been like, can I come on?

You're like, ah, it's like a thing. Yeah, you're a climber. He's not your fucking climbing asshole. No, I need to climb better. You can't climb in North Jersey, dude, all right? Listen, he actually, no, he wound up coming on the show and talking about it, but it was, I mean, I was frazzed, dude. I showed up, nobody believed me.

They were like, no sir, I'm like, dude, I almost, this guy was trying to murder me. This guy was trying to slice me up at least. He was trying to give me something to remember. They have to believe it now, with the shit that's happening on the subway now. Now, I'm on my Instagram feed, every day there's a new kind of crazy shit.

Oh yeah, it's a Death Wish like 1970 style again, it's kind of, it's kind of, it's kind of annoying. I'm telling you right now. But he's got a new, good one shit. Oh yeah, it's a Death Wish like 1970 style again. It's kind of, it seems to be the norm. I'm telling you right now. Oh you're bringing it now. You got any training with it yet? What? Training? Yeah, watch this.

Get back motherfucker. Okay. I wish you could hold those maybe just different ways. I just want to slice the apple and eat the apple menacingly. I don't want to stab somebody, I just want to scare them. I want to be like this, hey bitch, I got one too. I like that. That's what I'm going to say.

I have thought about using the Ridge Wallet as a weapon. What? Well if you had to, you do this and you have a down hammer motion kind of thing. I have a knife. Thank you military man. Listen to the military man talking about killing people. I have a knife.

Probably take notes on that. What are you going to do with that? I'm going to stab your knee. Well if you have the knife, first of all, I'm going to wrap my leather jacket around my one hand and then ask for my phone back. What if it's a summer jacket? Were you scared jumping down on the train? I was curious actually, more than anything.

I got a weird curiosity about things. I'm always thrilled. I got a weird thrill, curiosity. I used to trapeze too. It's always that weird shit where you're kind of like, hang on. Hang on one second. Yeah, please, one second. I used to do Trapeze too. It's always that weird shit where you kind of like. Hang on. Hang on one second. Yeah, I'm open. Yeah, please, one second.

I need to ask you one question. I'm pretty sure he just said Trapeze. I heard it as well, and. What are you, a fucking great tatumbo? Yeah, I don't know what that was about. What the fuck is. I was not prepared to be the pussy on this show. That was some shit, because I was doing the sitcom,

and I remember I went from doing like, you know, spots, you know, 20 spots a week to just doing the sitcom, which which is not a lot of work so I had a lot of anxiety because I felt like I wasn't doing nothing enough and then I was like oh shit and so then I just we went on a date once that's uh Santa Monica Beach and I said oh shit trapeze they do classes? Fuck yeah I'll take some classes and then I took one. Hang on same girl you went to the karate class with? Yeah that was a, that was actually a nice relationship. It was a fun year, a couple years there. It's a fun couple years there.

Hell yeah, dude. What sitcom were you on? The Mulaney sitcom in 2014. No, it's okay, it lasted a season. You knew the answer to that, right? No. I knew that, I just met the dude. I don't watch TV.

He never saved my life. Am I supposed to fucking go through his IMDB He never saved my life. I was like, am I supposed to fucking go through his IMDB? He saved my life. We've known each other before that. I knew you when you dated Rosebud. Yeah, yeah, Rosebud was the one. Was that back in, oh, Rosebud was the one. Yeah, Rosebud was the one.

You guys took karate together? Mm-hmm. I didn't know that. Yeah, we took first class together. Karate and trapeze. Trapeze together, yeah, we did a lot of like weird adventure dates back then. It was cool because it was like you know once I got the sitcom it was a lot of traveling. How many years was the sitcom on for? It was only a year. Like it was yeah it was like weird

because we were on one network and they got picked up by another network but like the beginning to the end was about a year. How'd you come up with John Malaney? I did a spot for him. I opened up from once in 2010 at the DC Improv. I auditioned for his show. I don't know if that was linked. I don't know if you remember me. He claimed he doesn't. He said somebody else saw a re-recorded,

and recognized me on the show. And SNL people, they kind of like new talent. So I guess that was a new talent thing for this little sitcom. He was one of those, oh, let's just try it. And so ever since then, we've just been cool. And like, it's weird enough, we've grown into good friends, especially these last couple years

after the whole rehab shit, like, you know. We both had our little emotional things and we got to talk it through for two years. How is it opening up for him now? Cause it's like big venues now. I mean, it went from like, yeah, cause he started off in the city winery working on that act and it's got bigger,

slowly bigger and bigger. It was fun. And it's like being around the president at this point. It's so big, because it's like, I mean, I just get into SUVs, go to the private planes, and go to the arenas, go to the hotels. It's like really, I feel like, and then you have security, and then we just have to make sure where-

Has he changed at all? In my head, he's more of himself. No shit. You know what I mean? I feel like there's some side of him that like, will just act like he's not as strong to make up he certain people and maybe that's something about me where sometimes I'll be like yeah you know let's just be nice but like no he's like just it takes a lot of work to be at the level he's at to be takes you certain kind of mind to be get there and

go like oh yeah there's a mind sometimes he sometimes you come out like oh he's getting job done but sometimes it's being chill and making you feel good and I was just like that's what famous people do they make you feel great. And I was just like, that's what famous people do. They make you feel great when you're around. Not all. No, no, no, when they're paid to do it. Yeah, not all. No, no, no, no, no. Some of them make you feel like shit.

No. Some people that I've opened for have taken me to a place called Two Asians in Tampa. Oh, nice. Yeah, Joe Russell knows about it. Did you ever go there, Bobby? Wow, wow. He's referring to me no really Bobby. Yeah, you over you over Your you over John Mulaney private jets limos

He opens for me and me and Mike Kalta took him to a tell you about a sprinter van No, love is love, guys. Love is important. Here's the problem with this asshole. It was late night. There's nothing open. Florida. Tampa's done at 10.

Okay, so I found two Asians. Okay? It was a food truck. It got five stars. And you go there, and it's... it was only one Asian and a Spanish chick But they're the two Asians right there click in the middle. Okay, I'm about you. I mean this place that what time So it was it was like one Thirty. Yeah, you want a cuisine at one third that I guarantee that place would have been

the shit it would have been awesome Chinese food it's a first of all it's in front of a strip club there we go we look at a detail see you think strip what you think strip club strippers are eating shitty Chinese food no I don't know that I do not think that all these guys coming out of there are gonna fucking even they want good food what if I think quality they saw pussy tits they're all riled up these are are big spenders. They want money. It was a strip club, literally a strip club parking lot and then Bobby goes, oh there it is, two Asians. Like that's when we found out it was a food truck when we got to the strip club.

Buddy, it's not like a food, I mean food trucks are good now. Yeah, it was, how was it? Here, but in a Tampa strip club I have questions. And what was the questions, answers? No. No, we didn't go, cause Mike, he's a fucking climber, and Mike was the big boss, Mike Coulter was the guy. 4.3 on Yelp. Yeah, right? Wow. Pretty good. Dude, that's great.

Food truck in Florida? He didn't back me up, even though he was opening for me. Mike Coulter could do more for his career than me at that point in the van. So he sided with stupid Kalter and then we went and had pancakes. Mike told me he could get me on the DPW. Yeah, exactly. Wow. I hear you. It happens.

He went to IHOP and it was good. Danny would have backed me up, wouldn't you Danny? Yeah, and I don't even like Chinese food and I would have gone. Thank you Danny. I would have gone for the titties. Now, not for nothing, the IHOPress did have the both piercings on her cheeks She had a more sinister look than probably the strippers dude that place was frightening She had a lot of metal on her face. She had a lot of metal on her face and her teeth were rotten

Oh see it was disgusting. I would forget the metal. Yeah, were you there? It was disgusting Joe She had more piercings than teeth. Yeah. Was it like a meth thing? You could hear her teeth clang when she talked. Did you see the the passed out Spanish guy that was laying down? He looked like Tom Waits on an album cover. Just drinking beer in the front of the plane. I love Florida. I lived there for six years. I love Florida too. That's not the question you ask him. Mike's not gonna do nothing for you.

No, no, I was in Key West. It's always like he was nice nice nice And there's just two people like why are they together? What are they doing at that time? It's all that's like Just gonna change something. Let's go guys. For the homeless people you don't know if they're homeless or they're exhausted Like I just worked all day. It's a common. I just had to take a walk because there's no buses out here That's the I hop in Tampa is a 2.5. Thank you. Wow.

We should have listened to you. You're goddamn right, we would have the best Chinese food ever. Did it work? Did your climbing work, sir? Yeah, no, Colton and I are hanging out. We're going to be on the show again. Hang on.

I'm going to start climbing this shit. You have to, man. I'm going to start doing that. What are you talking about? You're in a fucking G5. Don't hang with me. I took this fucking turn to a goddamn, what was it called, the family something?

Which one? Where did we go, IHOP or was it the family? We tried to go to like five places and then you got excited about two agents. I tell you, what happens late night, I go to this with my wife all the time. I tell her let's pick a place, make a reservation so we get in

and many nights, no we'll just find something, no you won't because then you go to this place, oh we're booked. Then you go over there, we're closed. Then you go over there, we don't have a reservation. And all of a sudden everything's closed. Nothing's open and you could have went to the first place if you made a reservation and we would have ate, but now we went to six different places. Now we're eating hot pockets on a bench in front of a fucking park. That's happened many times? Many times with my wife.

Jesus. Because, look man, go, let me, let the fat guy find the food. Yeah, yeah. Let me find the food. I found a 4.3. You sensed a McDonald's once. What? When we were driving back from McGiggen, Connecticut,

this is a couple years ago, you sensed a McDonald's was near, and we found it, and I ate twice as much as you that night, too. I can say, I've also. You almost died this year. Also true. I had a seizure like two days before Christmas.

But dude, you were in ICU, dude. You were on a fucking ventilator. Wow. I had a seizure like two days before Christmas. But dude, you were in ICU, dude. You were on a fucking ventilator. Wow. Yeah, my girl identified me at the hospital by my name. As a queer? By my name. She goes, that's my boyfriend in there sucking

all the doctor's dicks. What? What? That's great. What happened? She identified you how? She, well, so I do tree work, right? That's my day job, I do tree work.

Did you go to college for that? No, it's just we're cutting trees down with a chain, so it's like they need to give veterans a job so we're not homeless, that's awesome. That's what keeps me from robbing people like him on the subway. I played this college once, I actually trained that, and I'm not being facetious.

It's arborist, yes. By the way, first of all, you are an intimidating guy if you don't know that you're the lover that you are. That being said... White man gets away with everything. Go ahead, continue your story. Continue your story. I wish I could do a black voice.

I wish I could go from the happiest dude ever to a man knows whatever day you just hold a knife see what happens I wasn't encouraging that I was joking this motherfucker. Don't know what's up. No, I guess just right there. That's a gift everybody Everybody's our gift from that so that's all your parents So, all right, wait a second Hang on So, all right, wait a second, hang on. It's true, I did have a seizure. Are you texting the GIF? Louis CK, he's downstairs. Louis just did time. Oh, shit. The first time in over a year.

Yes he did. Hell yeah. That's the first time he's hit the stage in over a year. And let me tell you something, he's still got it. I mean, I was downstairs like, fuck man, he is so God damn good. I mean, just the little nuance, subtle joke. He did. It's Louis Katz we're talking about, right? little nuance, subtle joke.

He did, I'm not. It's the Louis Katz we're talking about, right? Oh, yeah, who do you think I was talking about? Louis Katz. Louis Katz changed my life. Oh, Louis CK's done, no. Yeah, no. Louis Katz is funny, y'all. Look at these dummies, like, is it Louis Katz or Louis?

Louis CK's, stupids. Stop staring at me like fucking, you guys are looking at me like pelicans. I'm not gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay,

you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay, me? Well I think you were calling because they were trying to figure out where I was because I had a... Carly was trying to figure out where my show was supposed to be that night. I was with Berg the night before so she called Berg. You weren't supposed to be with me. No, no, but Carly didn't know so I think she was putting out like I think they

were had everybody was calling everybody to figure out where I was supposed to be. I was like I was on fentanyl on a respirator in the ICU. With fentanyl before the seizure or after? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a good point. The timeline of that, they put me on fentanyl because I dropped. I had a seizure.

All right, you keep fucking doucheing around the fact. All right, you keep bitching around it. It's got me taking the rights on this. Okay, stop getting to the burying the lead. You were at work and what happened? Why did you have a seizure that you went into a coma? I had really bad poison ivy, I'm not even kidding. That was part of it.

So I took Benadryl. Don't believe that. I took Benadryl, Ambien, right? And then, yep. Oh, Benadryl then Ambien. Ambien, cocaine, then I shot heroin. Uppers. And then I got AIDS.

Whoa. Dude, what are you talking about? Ambient cocaine and I shot heroin uppers and I got AIDS Talking about we I had too many downers in my system They said cuz I eat I had antihistamine spray on my arms because I was covered in poison ivy, right? And then I had um, what's it called? then I took ambient the night before and then when I took What was it? I had clonopin and I took that at work and we're going in for our Christmas party and I dropped Did you drink at the Christmas party? No, no, no, no, I haven't drank alcohol in two years now, man. The uh, it's um Yeah, so you dropped what happened? Where did you drop in the woods?

So I knew something was had we were at the shop in in Morristown, New Jersey And I knew that something was gonna happen to me. Why how did you know? I started feeling like I thought I cracked my back And I was on acid again. Why? What was the feeling? I just started feeling like I was tripping, like I couldn't, I didn't understand time for a second. Were you talking weird? I wasn't talking weird.

I remember walking over to this guy, Eric, who's a douchebag at work, and I said, I said, Eric, are you okay, man? And he like went like that. And I was like, I gotta get away from him. He's not gonna help me if I go down. And I remember thinking I was gonna have to tell Carly. You asked Eric if he was okay? That's,'s yeah there's almost my last words on planet earth was Eric are you okay that would have sucked yeah of course stupid leave me alone

he's not a bad guy he's I snuck inside though cuz none of us like him you've already told us he's not a good guy he's a terrible guy but my boss might watch this okay good he's a huge Bobby you know you came up in my interview, right? I told you this you and Jim Norton came up in my interview. Nice. Wow. That's a bad sign. It was very Boss is a piece of shit he's great, so he's talking to me and we work down the street from the dojo and I'm in the interview with them and I think he's messing with me because he keeps saying goes Oh, yes, like what else do you do? Like I think he like maybe he knows me from comedy goes

I am a really big ONA fan, you know Like Norton and and you know Voss and Bobby and all those guys and I was like, alright This guy's fucking me because he's seen me before and I finally just I said I was like, yes I know this guy's there. I get to work with them. Sometimes. It's great. Well, he just goes oh cool, man And I was like, alright, I outed myself now in my own job interview. And then they hired me right after that. Quick question.

What year did you interview him? A year ago. This was, yeah, I've only been at this job since December. So December, he said my favorite comic's an ONA comic? Yeah, he's, keep in mind, I'm the young guy at our shop. I'm 36. When was the last ONA event? Tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh.

Wow. 10 years? 10 years? Yeah, ONA was the biggest, that was like Stern back then. So this fan base will never die. I mean, soon they will. They'll be, I mean, they'll all be dead in around five years. Ha, ha, ha.

In your circle. So what happens? So then I sneak inside, right? And I can tell someone's about to happen, I'm going to drop. And I get inside and you're my one buddy who I knew was an EMT. And then he describes the rest to me because I was done at that point. I don't know where I was. Describe it to us. I started falling backwards.

So they thought that like, he tried to catch me, he goes, are you okay, man? And then I dropped and they said that I was out cold. You hit your head? They thought I might have, I didn't. I'm very lucky. That's the nice part about not having a neck. Yeah, and having some more back fat.

Or having an EMT friend, how about that? I've never had an EMT friend to go run to real quick and ask a question to. I've never had one of those. You don't need it. You're in shape, it's never gonna happen to you. No, it's also true. I'm stupid.

Stupid things happen. You need an EMT friend, man, they're helpful. So what happened? So I fell backwards, I took out the water cooler, they said, and then I was on the floor, I was talking to myself, and then they said that they were trying to just keep me on my side. They didn't know if I hurt myself when I fell or whatever.

And then they said I started turning blue. And we're right by the Public Safety Academy, so the EMTs were there real quick. And they actually had me hooked up, I think they almost set me up with the AED. And then my next memory. What's the AED? The defibrillator thing.

Oh no shit. Yeah, so they weren't sure what to do with me on that one. But I had nice Carhartt pants on. They were new pants I'd bought for this job. And they had to cut them off of me in the hospital. Bastards. So they cut me. They killed my Carhartts, man.

So they cut the pants off of me. And then they tell, like, my boss winds up calling Carly. And he's like, hey, listen, your boyfriend just went down at work here or whatever, he's at the hospital. So she runs down frantic and she identifies me by my dick and balls in the emergency room. There's all stuff over my face, there's stuff.

And she goes, that's Kevin! And she just ran towards me, dude. And I didn't- You saw your big red nuts? That's pretty much it,. She's like I would know Love right there guys. I'll know those red nuts anywhere

It's weird he's got a little like landing strip patch on the top because it's oh that'd be so funny if you had made a heart for her Before she never mentions a bunch of black dicks in the room. And they were like, oh, I just ignore the words. Oh yeah, it's a process of elimination. Yeah, I would nomantic anywhere. I mean, what? She found me, man. I didn't wake up till a day later.

I have the record at Morristown Hospital, by the way, for fastest guy in his feet coming off of a ventilator. Yeah, you were on, dude, she called me, you're on the ventilator. I was like, Max, KP's gonna die. No, I'm kidding, I didn't say that. Ah! But I was freaking out.

I'm like, Don, this KP, blah, blah. I was like, I was talking to your girl. I was like all flipped out and I talked to Don. Don was so sad and I'm like, I told Max, I was like, you know, he was like, what's going on? I was like, KP's a little sick right now, but he's gonna be better and blah, blah, blah. My whole, cause you know, he was like, what's going on? I was like, KP's a little sick right now, but he's gonna be better and blah, blah, blah. My whole, cause you know, KP knows my family.

And I was like, I was so messed up and nervous about it. And then, look man, I'm not, you know, I'm not John Mulaney. I'm not fucking Joe Rogan. I'm not even Burt Kreischer. But I'm Bob Kelly. And if I fucking call and I'm concerned

and I'm trying to, this twat didn't even call me back. Never. He only texted me about a gig. A couple months, like a month and a half later, hey is that gig still? I'm like what the fuck? You did promise it in the voicemail you left me. I did. I did.

It was like a thank you right there. Joe Russell will attest to this too. I texted him after the hospital. I texted him. I was like, hey man, I'm okay. Merry Christmas. And then Vibe was like, I'm not a text guy, dude. Okay? You were fucking dead. Your girlfriend was crying. I don't have time for this shit. And I'm sitting there talking to her. The guy's got a ventilator, and this guy, hey dude, Merry Christmas. What, you were dead last time I fucking talked to you.

Yeah, yeah. Nothing. Two minutes on the phone. Two minute phone call, hey dude, I'm all right. It's a. I'm okay, I'm not dead. I'm gonna. I just saw you posting on Instagram,

guys I got a dojo fucking show coming up. You fucking asshole. Wow. You're an asshole. You know what, it's true. It's there. You smacked me in front of my mom in Tampa over this, by the way. I was mad. I was mad.

You know what I mean? Valid. You made the effort to go to the hospital. Never mind. Never mind. No, I apologize. I didn't even do that to my sister when she had a kidney transplant. I'm not going to go to this fucking... But fucking care about him. Oh, nevermind, nevermind. No, I apologize. I didn't even do that to my sister when she had a kidney transplant.

I'm not gonna go to this fucking. But you thought about him. You spent time to think about him. Yes. Yeah, there we go. For a day and a half, I did. That's a lot of time. You could be doing other shit. Yes.

Berg showed up at the hospital, by the way. He lives next door. It's true, it's very true. He lives right next door. But just picture if you're on fentanyl and you're in a recovery room and then Berg shows up in Christmas pajamas. I don't know what fentanyl is like. What's that like?

What kind of high is that? What energy would you use? What are you curious again? Yeah, I'm really curious. I'm not going to take it. I'm never going to go cocaine, but yeah. You can see why, right? Addictive?

Oh, you're a genius, because it kills people? It's, well, because it, you know what it is? Is that the Michael Jackson juice? Yes. Oh, I was on that, that stuff's good. When did they put you on it? When I had to get my butthole checked. Oh.

When you get a colonoscopy, they give you the Michael Jackson juice. You wake up like this, oh God, hi. Like anesthesia, you wake up like trying to fight for life. It's like, ugh. I mean, I hate anesthesia. When I got my stomach surgery, coming out of anesthesia, it's like you're fighting to come alive again,

and it's just torture. And then you finally come out of it, and you fucking feel sick and nauseous. Michael Jackson juice, dude, you go like this. You go like this. All right, I'll. And you're out, and then they go in your asshole, and then you wake you like this you like this all right else And you're out, and then they go in your asshole, and then you wake up like this hey, what's up? Was everything good asked me on I was on fentanyl. I had literally the breathing tubes in I was fully supported or whatever They call it and they said that the beautiful doctor. She was a stunner just walked in

She goes so what do you think about us taking the breathing tubes out? And I just gave her like a one of these from like the hospital bed yeah you don't care about anything on that man yeah it's pretty awesome hardest stuff ever had was dimmer all and that was because of some hospital stuff too what was it I think it's a painkiller it's can we Google the dimmer I have no idea yeah I feel like that's a dentist office one yeah but it was I had like a some weird stomach thing and they did this just gave me gave it to me and ejection, ejection,

and then I wanted a third one because I didn't even get field pain anymore. I was like, let's keep it coming. They're like, we got to shoot in the asshole now. I'm like, wow, I don't need it that much. Shoot it in your asshole. Yeah, they're like, the third one has to go in your asshole if you want it.

I'm like, well, I guess I'll. I'm pretty sure that was a lie. Yeah, I know. I'm pretty sure. Absolute lie. I do that to my kid with Tootsie Pops. I want another one, I'm like, well the third one has to go in your asshole.

Yeah. And he's like, all right, forget it. Fine, I wanted to be addicted. I was ready to get it. What is it? Demerol, moderate to severe. It's usually relieved moderate to severe pain. Opioids, there you go, man.

Yeah, that shit was great. I was like, I'll never forget that feeling. That and Dextrin, and that was another time. Dextrin. I don't know if that's actually a legit painkiller, but I was a, I submitted my body to science in my early twenties. For what? Why does he feel more interesting? Yeah. I mean, dude, you're a great Houdini. You're a fucking Kung Fu master. Is it Dextreme? Yeah. Oh, well, I've had a high amount of it. I got so high because I was, what happened was I was submitting my body science and they wanted me to take this PET scan where that's where they inject you with some stuff and

scan your body to make a clay face. I don't know. It's like dye or something? Yeah. They made clay face, you got to stay still and they put some shit in your body and they ... You were cloned. Oh my God.

I was going to say, dude, I've seen you before on the subway. But it was like three grand and I was like, I in my 20s i'm broke i'll do this shit fucking i'm so like you might get cancer we all might get cancer sign it up so that's why i was dextreme those are my two experiences with drugs like that right dexedrine it says you might have hallucinations that you opened for john malaney. Ah, that makes a lot of sense. I remember. God damn, dude. I was hallucinating, it's been a long time.

And where can we get your special? On YouTube, YouTube, come to Seaton Smith, youtube.com, Seaton Smith. On youtube.com from Seaton Smith, and your special, where is it gonna be? We're gonna put that one out on YouTube as well, man. You did a special before, right? Where was that? It did, with the laugh button, man. You did a special before, right? Where was that?

It did, the laugh button, baby. Oh yeah, but where was that? So that one we filmed at Kevin Smith's S.M.O.D. Castle where they filmed Clerks. So we filmed that one there. What happened with that? Did that do good? It did, it did.

That's great. So we had two clips that went viral on that one, which was very exciting. You got thanked in the credits, by the way, Robert Kelly. I know. So I don't call you after I get out of the hospital, but I do thank you in the credits. I don't give a fuck about that, you asshole.

You had me worried. I'm sorry. I love you a lot. Dab you in the viral. Your girlfriend kept sending me pictures of your balls. Did she? Oh. I think she sent a picture of us in the hospital bed, right?

I think so, yeah. Yeah, the next day you're like, errr. No, it's the worst feeling in the world when they take? I think so, yeah. Yeah, the next day you'll have, errr. No, it's the worst feeling in the world when they take the catheter balloon thing out. Ah, ah! Out of your penis? Yeah, because they pretty much, it's like the worst magic trick you've ever seen.

We got two magicians over there, I'm sure they can tell you. Yeah. You do the, you open for the strokes too. Yeah, I did for the strokes too. Yeah, I did that once. What was that like? Yeah, that was crazy.

Why did you get that? I don't know. I mean, because Julian, when he did SNL with Mulaney, he would just come to the shows and then me and him befriended each other and then he just started coming out and hanging with me and then he started inviting me to play soccer with him and his crew and then you play soccer too? Yeah, we go play soccer. We play soccer first. We play soccer for a year and then we And then, and then. You played soccer too? Yeah, we were gonna play soccer. We played soccer first.

We played soccer for a year. And then we just talked shit and hang out. And then, and then Randall, he was like, Hey, my agent was like, Hey, I got this random calls, weird as fuck. I was like, for real? And so yeah, it turned out to be a, How was that?

Where was it? Scariest, fuck, jarring, crazy. Forest Hills, Forest Hills, Queens. Queens. No shit. Yeah. It was, I mean, I made a tape, I made a YouTube fun video of it, the best of, but the rest of it was just absolute chaos.

Cause I thought it would be like, you know, I've opened up for a lot of smaller bands, and when it's a low level, I always think, wow, they don't know how comedy works, so they don't know how to respect. They'll do shit like make-me-tell jokes when they set the band up. And I thought, wow, my name's on the poster,

they're not gonna do that to me with the strokes. Not for sale. How many people? I mean, it was like at least 12,000, 15,000. It's a solid venue. Yeah, but it was all. Did you ever see the band? That's a tough one.

Yeah, no, and then they actually had me up, so they put me up setting up for the first band, and then Julia found out about that, got pissed off. He's like, now you're gonna be able to do another set there. I'm like, but I didn't actually think of another set so he put me out there for another time and then that go worse and then and then Julie find that they did it to me again he's like I can't believe they fucking did that fuck that shit now you're going before the strokes no the band set up

for you but they never said so they didn't have the people setting up but they didn't have the lights on either. So you want to go out again? I think maybe go out a third time. And you didn't? Yeah, I couldn't say no. Yes you can. I couldn't say. I would be like, go fuck you.

Go stroke your own dick. I ain't going out there again. But it was like, fuck, I'm going to be a man and did it. And I got some fun moments out of that bitch, but it was interesting as fuck. And did you get paid good money? Yeah, I got decent money. It was more or less, I kind of really disliked Julian. It was really weird. I liked him as a human being. Are you still friends? Yeah, I texted decent money. It was more or less, I kind of really disliked Julian. It was really weird.

I like him as a human being. Are you still friends? Yeah, I texted him yesterday. We're going to have soccer again. He asked me if I wanted to play baseball. I said, it's dope. He's a nice person. You know?

What an interesting guy. Yeah. We do nothing. They think you're the lead singer of Seven Dust. I don't even know what the band is, but I get it. Badass band. Is it? Are they good?

Oh, they're black people in it then? Yes. So there's a famous I get it. Badass band. Is it? Are they good? Oh, they're black people in it then? Yes. So there's a famous black band now. Because I know like TV on the radio is gone and Prodigy is gone and those are all the black bands.

Now there's somebody black there as long as I know. I'll Google them. Living Colors is still around. Who is? Living Colors is still around. Yeah but they're not making new shit. No, also true. There you go. You're way more handsome,. No, also true. There you go, Seven.

You're way more handsome, Seaton. I apologize. Are they British? No. I didn't think so. Okay, Seven Dust. Are they metal? It's metal, yeah.

Yeah, they look like the Metaca like these. Yeah, they're good. Okay, cool. I'm learning that stuff. That's weird that you, I mean, you're friends with famous people. Yeah, man, I had to learn like- You're friends with me. I'm very happy about it though.

Yeah, you weren't happy when I brought you the fucking two Asians food truck. He's a fucking hero. He's a fucking veteran. Who's a hero? Veteran, hero, veteran. He didn't fight in a war. Thank you, Satan.

He fought a war in that fucking hole and he beat the shit out of his superior. He beat out a Guinea on the Lido deck. I... Jesus Christ. It was in the Middle East though. There you go. It was Dubai for four months. All right, stop adding shit.

I love the goddamn troops. Yes you do, Robert Kelly. I love the troops. All right, listen, we got to do these questions. Where is your special right now? Where's my special? It's on YouTube. YouTube right now, where?

Where? YouTube.com. YouTube.com. YouTube slash Seaton Smith. Go check out his YouTube. You got stuff from the strokes up there, all that stuff or something? I got that stroke thing up there too.

I wanna check that out tonight. Yeah, Google that one. That was a fun, it's a fun K.I. night. I still owe you a steak dinner. We gotta go out. I would love to, man. That'd be awesome. All right, I didn't think you were gonna fucking say that,

but no. I'm not gonna lie, I'm always tired. I thought you were gonna be like this. No, don't worry about it, no. Me and you are going to a fucking steak dinner. Yes, sir. I just don't know when. And I know it's been a year.

We're working, we're working. But me and you are going out. We're gonna get some food. If not a steak dinner, wings at the cellar. Absolutely. And that'll be fine. I owe you my fucking, not my life, fight schedule. You look at all the food trucks

in Tampa and you pick whichever one you want. Hey, go check it. You're filming your special this weekend, so if you're watching live, go to the Dojo Comedy, get the tickets, there's five tickets left five so if you're going and you know somebody get their tickets buy them up they're gonna be gone I want them gone right now Jersey you watch this let's go and make sure you check out what's your website it's KP berks sucks calm KP you like it every time it bugs me but I like it you know

I mean I do like it because you steal all, but I like it. You know what I mean? I do like it. Because you steal all the fun out of it. It's a, oh, it was me throwing water at myself first. Yeah, that's like Robert Kelly's fat.com. I go to my website. I'm going to be in San Antonio this weekend. I'm going to be in Lafayette Club 337, Boston, Laugh Boston.

I'm going there with Danny. The Sarasota, and then I'm going to LA for a week. Me and the Bonfire, Big J Boy, Big Papa Pump, we're going out there for a week to do the Bonfire live in LA. And then I'm going right to the Red Clay Comedy Festival, Atlanta on May 11th with Paul Verzi Bone to pick live. First one, Stanford, Connecticut, Port Charlotte,

St. Louis, a lot of dates coming up on the road and I shut it down for the summer so if you want to come see me, come see me. Go to ComicWearables.com, use code word LadyBugs. You can get all the YKWD merch. You can get a Fat Bobby Kelly shirt, YKWD, the hoodies, the hats. We got the new regs up there. We got the YKWD with the plastic logo. Love those, the fuck the check spots, the reg shirt, all that stuff is up there. Co-word ladybugs.

We're going to go right now to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We got questions for these two. So if you want to hear the questions, see the extra show, go there. Subscribe. It's not too expensive. You're supporting the show. I hope you guys go over there. We're trying to get as many members over there who love this show as possible. Sign up, become a member, you get the show first, you get an extra episode, and you're supporting these fucks and myself in here for the show. We'll see you guys next week

on You Know What? Oh, sorry guys, go ahead. Max Marcus Comedy also for media. Follow me on Instagram at Danny breath. And for Joe Russell stuff, go to the cheese show on YouTube. You guys, let me tell you something. You gotta go check these guys out. They're hilarious. Very funny.

And you'll see some of them on all of them on the road with me in the future. So make sure you go up and say hi to them. We'll see you guys next week on, you know what, the podcast.