Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Live!

Episode Date: August 25, 2011

Robert does his first live broadcast along with Bull Burr and Joe DeRosa. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what, dude? On the Glory Hall radio network, gloryhawradio.com I know why I'm a little nervous because there's a lot going on and see that I hear everybody takes OP for granted right OP I see what it is that you do. Oh, I see what it is that you do. Oh, my goodness. There's a lot of shit going on. Like that scene in private parts, the first time he does radio. Woo. Oh, yeah. I could just scratch it.

I have no idea if this is working. If this is, if you guys are listening to this, we just tweeted it out. Joe tweeted out, Bill, of course not. I'm going to keep your fans. Tweeting is probably if it's working. Oh, you want me to tweet so you can get some people, more people listen, I would have done that if you asked me. I can't.

You just did, fucking, can't. No, but you didn't ask me in a douchey way. Yeah, tweet me and Bob if it's working, and then we'll know if it's working, if you're listening. Now what he's saying, he's saying that I should have told my podcast listeners to listen to me, be on a podcast. Well, that's Exactly what you said. If you're not in the scene, you're waiting in.

You never liked me. I've never liked shit. So I think this is live. Someone just texted me that it's actually live. And it's going through a fucking, well, do it live. Yeah. If it fucks up though, if it starts stuttering, just refresh the page and it fixes it.

So I don't want fucking Panicking emails from people just refresh your page. Okay, it's life And you think anybody's gonna panic email you if it cuts out Want to check emails? I had two donations had two donations. I got we made 40 dollars a month with the entire rest of the internet. Yeah, dude, it's not the fucking national disaster feed that comes to your team. I don't like how Bobby's a little nervous right now and he's putting it on everybody else including his list. Listen, listen, live bill. What live? Well, do it live. Listen, just settle in, Bob. Let's say, actually,

make it be nervous. Well, I've never stopped smoking a cigarette like Kroel and Deville. I'm not fucking Thursday, you can't. Don't quit lying. Can you not quit on Thursday? Bobby's quitting Thursday, smoking everybody. Don't quit because then I'm out there alone. And I'm selfish. Who says that? The same reason why you got mad at me

when I started going to the gym. And you said it disgusted you and you were angry that I was like trying to get healthy. I don't want you to quit smoking. You're my smoking friend, we smoke together. It's all over. Now I'm gonna have an open heart surgery together. I'm done, you know.

Because I feel pains in my chest. I don't feel right anymore. It doesn't feel good smoking. Like even now I'm smoking. I've tried not to have a cigarette in the last three hours and I have to have it. The sucks. I hate it.

God, you guys are so weak. Oh yeah, I'm not. What? You're weak. You're weak people. That means why the two of you exist is because of like penicillin and all those types of new inventions. Guys like you would have died, by the time you were 12 back in the day.

You would have been dead too. I would know. You just quit everything recently. Are you talking about him? You would have been dead. You were boozing over every year. I would have been a gunslinger drinking whiskey. Yeah. A gunslinger.

What would Burf been like in the Old West? I'm telling you dude, this oil shit's evil. Bobbi would have been all over it. I'm not far from it. Dude, it's the latest technology dude. Dude, get a Facebook oil page. I'm telling you dude. It will be blood dude I gotta do all the shit, which you would definitely you would have definitely wore one of those Derbies

Oh, yeah back in the day. What did we do out of vest? He would out of vest too. I would have been the guy showing tonic I would have been so make a shoot. I would have been a farmer You probably would have been Irish I would have been a farmer Bob would have been I don't know Bob He bought me would have been Bobby would have been Bobby would have been lynched by the time he was 16 I know I'm back robberies Yeah, he looks like he's got a little native American. I'd be I'd be the guy in the town that That owned the fucking real left table, but then the real tough guys coming to just slap me in the face Go we own it now. I just have to take it

We talked about this on the podcast before when you weren't here bill about who we would be in the old West and I decided Bobby would be the the fat Mexican bartender that gets scared with the shootout happens Joe would even make it saying you're like you look like Frank Fender Joe would have died on the way to wherever their family was going Dead guys like Joe don't die Joe's like he's like I don't know what he is He's just one of those guys. Hey guys. He would somehow he'd somehow figure his way to how to snake his way through it Yeah, I mean worm it'd be a worm. It'd be a worm. It'd be a worm.

It'd be an absolute worm. You'd have a vest. Yeah. The guy that hired the gunslinger to clean out the fucking bad people, but then tried to fucking get him killed. Yeah. Do you want to get a flashback too? One of the first times I ever met this fucking piece of shit,

Joe D'Rosa, right? I was moving. I was moving. I was moving. I have fifth floor walkup. So I called Steve Burn. I called every, you know, you know, when you move from a fifth floor walkup, you got to call my side.

Yeah, you got to call up like 20 guys. So five people will show up. So Big J, fucking brought D'Arosa along. And you just want to talk about fucking useless. Steve Burn was an animal. Big J was great, and I forget who else was there, but Joe, what he would do was he would just stand looking at boxes like with this confused look in his face. Like he was trying to figure something out.

He was totally fucking doggin' it. Dude, you gotta stand. These guys were all new to the city, not Steve Burn, but those other guys. So half of them showed up thinking that they were gonna get road work out of it. And Joe from day one was just an arrogant cut. He just weighed him both out like, you know,

five-floor walk-up, middle work, at all. It all worked out. I'm not going to do one this. I broke something, too. You did get any broke something. I broke the glass on one of your pictures. Like, you know, it was one of the glassed-in picture in the front.

And I broke it, and you got upset, and I said it was like that. I tried to lie and say that it was like that. I tried to lie and say it was like that. Yeah, you come a long way, you really were a filly piece of shit when I first met you. Yeah, I was a worm, man. I was a worm. I don't think I'm so bad these days.

No, no, you got a good one. You were a little bit of a dirt bag. Oh, yes. It's a dirt bag. I don't understand. He fucking broke my picture and then tried to say it was like that. He's like, wait a minute, the picture did.

And I was like, I don't know, dude, I think I was busted when I picked it up. See, you lied? You know, I got a mirror to this day. Joe's tell is when he squintes his eyes as eyebrows touch. It's like, no, it's when he says I gotta be honest. Yeah.

No one who's honest has to say, I'm going to be honest. Yeah, anyway, or you go seriously, you're just buying time as you put together the lie. I swear to God, no bullshit. I would have no problem telling you if I broke it because it would be way funnier and I would enjoy laughing more like I broken in my life. I can't remember if I hit it on something and it broke.

Every great friend of my life has broken something. You fucking smash my fan. I did, I smash your fan. And to this day he sticks by the story, I woke up in a fluster. Yeah, I saw him tell you that story in Montreal, I didn't believe it. No it's a fucking, it's an absolute fact. Why would I lie about it 10 years later?

Because Bob, yeah, that's what finally convinced me. But you, I would tell you. I would tell you. I would tell you. I would tell you. I would tell you. Well here it is, that fucking door, nobody came to our apartment, nobody knocked on the fucking door.

Yeah they did. Nobody. All the time. For you, I had no friends. Bobby. And if that doorbell fucking, if that doorbell rang, and I was sleeping on that hot couch with the fucking theme.

Yeah, no, we had a radiator from the fucking Ralph Crandom honeymoon set. That thing was evil. This thing would be like, you know, once that thing got going, it was like a fucking sauna in there. It paralyzed you. Dude, you had like violent dreams. It couldn't get up really.

You would just stuck on that couch. And there was no way to shut the fucking thing off. No way. It was awful. And in the summertime, we had no air conditioning. And it became hot again. Dude, the fact that how we didn't end up killing each other, we came close.

A couple times, yeah. Yeah, but it was fucking, I mean, for the 99% of the didn't end up killing each other, we came close. A couple times, yeah. Yeah, but it was fucking, I mean, for the 99% of the time was fucking. The fucking great time. Fucking blast. We used to play roller hockey. We used to fly down the fucking street on roller blades,

but like through traffic, remember that shit? I mean, people are calling us gay right now. Yeah, fuck that. You don't love about roller blades. They sold like 90 million of them and then once everybody threw them in the back of the closet, they just wait to somebody to admit that they had them. We actually had the cool ones.

We had the hockey ones for the go. We had the hockey ones. But the no breaks on them. No breaks at all. How did you pull off playing roller hockey in the street in New York? No, no. We used to play in the park.

We used to play in a park. It was like a basketball court with no basketball rims. You remember that shit? We were in the primary lives and all those fucking women would be getting off for work and they cut through the park. You get all those smiles. Oh, Joe, back in the day, we both had full heads of hair.

Oh my God, I had gorgeous hair. I know. Fucking gorgeous hair. We used to play roller hockey. I mean, like bad ass. And we'd fly down the street. Remember coming down the street down the, and no breaks.

I wouldn't even fucking dream of doing that right now. No, there's no fucking way I would never I would even gonna be on a segue right now in New York City We used to fucking blast down Third out more courage than than poor people. Oh, we didn't give a fuck But there was nothing to lose what the fuck are you gonna lose my awful plaid shirts? I used to wear back then I was never a big the fucking loose. My awful plaid shirts I used to wear back then. I was never a big athlete, guys. Really? Yeah, I'm going to fucking acknowledge that. But I can say that the steering that does make me a little nostalgic for it. Did it remind you of a movie, Joe? No, no, no. Did it remind you of a college, Joe? It's a, no, it was to get drunk and

pull you dick out. You love that story. Fucking great. Don't turn it down. Joe has three areas he goes in any conversation. Movies, booze, or his day, his college time in Texas. No, I lived in Texas. I lived in Texas. You ever tell you about his, we'll fucking do it. Yeah, all that shit.

Joe and his dick are here. No, he didn't know. I didn't know. I never heard that. I used to get, we still hang out in one, like one dorm room in on our hall. I never heard that. I used to get, we used to all hang out in one dorm room on our hall. Everybody'd hang out. And me and my friend would set it up. I'd go, all right, dude, you know what to do.

We're going to do it. All right, and I'd go outside. I'd take off all my clothes. Buck make it. I'd knock on the door and my friend would go, come in. And I'd burst through the door totally naked dance and like this. And I'd hear a girl, he would go,

hey look everybody, it's Joe and his cock. Joe and his cock are here. Say hi everybody. When they're women there, no, it was all dudes. We laugh our balls off. And there was this big dude named Steve, his big German kid man, the fucking biggest kid of her seeing my life. And the first time we did it, he got so

disgusting, he was like, but your god damn fucking queers. I'm getting the fuck out of here, right? And he left. And I swear to guy, by the end of the semester, he'd be like, Joe, do Joe this cock. That's the funniest thing ever. The funny dude, I've done so many fucking podcasts. I think I'm out of story. So I got to tell this one again. One time, it was you me in Tony, Mascado. We lived up on 97th Street.

I was like a Bobby, I don't know. It was like the perfect summer fucking day. And for once we weren't going to go out to the clubs, I forget what the fuck we were going to do. We'd already planned it out. You're going to watch a Red Sox game. Up at Yankee Stadium. We're going to, yeah, we're going to Red Sox game.

Dude, and it was the perfect spring day. You just was psyched. It was a brutal winter. And it was awesome. The windows were open. We just had great food. And then the ticket showed up when I was, and I was just like, dude, it doesn't get any better than this.

And Bobby was wearing tarot-way pants with nothing underneath it. And he just stands up because it doesn't get any better than this. And he fucking rips his pants off. Dude, like me and Tony, I literally fell on the fucking floor and laughing. Because after he did it, he stood there with this stupid look on his fucking face. Oh, that's hilarious. When I lived with a... I'm sorry, bombed. When I lived ago, that's hilarious. He moved on to the next one. When I lived with Okreshin, He was sitting at the computer one day,

and he had a swivel chair. Who? That fucking mitt and wear an asshole. He was sitting at the old, you'll appreciate this, buddy. He was sitting at the computer in a swivel chair. I took my pants down, and I went right up next to him. I put my dick right on his shoulder, and I go, J, and he goes, what?

Get hit in the back. That's fucked up, dude. I don't get fucking angry. You know what? We left our balls. You left your balls off. You know what's funny about Joe? Is Joe never played sports, but he has that total football player humor. That's all those guys just do.

I remember that my school, they used to fucking pledge like the football players. The amount of fucking like it was just... Amerson? No. No. Where'd you go, Amerson, right? No, no, no. I was gonna say, Amerson did that a whole... I'm talking high school. I'm talking high school.

Jesus Christ, Bobby. Put my whole life out there. You're so secure. You don't tell people though, you go to Amerson, right? They do know. Dude, that's a fucking... That's a crazy, honorable thing to have.

The biggest stars in comedy went to Emerson. Who went to Emerson? Dennis Leary, Anthony Clark. What's it? Oh, jeez. Stephen Wright. Stephen Wright. Yeah, I mean, that's Emerson's a fucking bad ass school.

20 ways, in high school. Well, two of them used to play. I say Emerson one more time. I'm just fucking with you, dudestons of fucking bad ass school. 20 ways, in high school. Well, do it when they used to play. I say Emerson one more time. I'm just fucking with you, dude. I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, dude, when they used to the income and freshmen or sophomore, whoever, we're trying to play varsity, I remember then coming back talking about all the hazing

shit that they did, and all of it was borderline something that the village people would do. No, it's sticking know, sticking a cheese ball between your ass cheeks and you had to run the length and drop it and do a Dixie cup. And it was all this lets you humiliate them. But it was like, if you filmed it, you could sell it down in Chelsea.

Dick Humors, it's hilarious. It makes me laugh every fucking. Dick Humors funny, but farts are fucking hilarious. I fired it on Owen A today, just a small little one. And it filled the room up, but it took like five minutes and they were in this room, a schumer and this lady. Lady! Lady!

We're in the middle of this fucking conversation about men and blah, blah, blah, and all of a sudden I was just, you could just see their faces, start to twinge. And then just, what the fuck? Did somebody fart? And I was like, it's me, I did. And then, you might have to leave the room. Oh, it's fucking brilliant.

I love farts and dicks, I mean. I put dicks over farts. For comedy. You love farts and dicks. You love farts and dicks. It's so funny, man. It's so funny when a guy makes you look at his dick It's funny man. I wish I had my dick out right now when you look down because it would have been hilarious Yeah, I'll throw a glass at you Joe

If you took yeah, Billy's never been Billy's a man man. He doesn't fuck around. That's like silly shit. I'm into it. I fucking, I would be dick out. I bet it's, we're in this fucking little apartment. My wife's downstairs, there's too much of a fucking wife. My wife's downstairs.

And I'm, dude, I seriously, I don't, it wouldn't make you mad. And I'm, my wife's fucking three. She's not anybody care what I say. I don't even want it. I don't think they do. I'm not even listening to me. I'm sorry, no.

Sorry, no. You know what it is, is we don't know why I don't think they do I'm not listening to me Sorry, Bill You know what it is is we don't have on headphones I guess this is why you wear headphones because you can't hear anything When you guys talk I can shit on you underneath So fuck all this shit Bill, you did Letterman tonight Yes I did

That's the 3rd Letterman Crazy? Yeah, it's one of the most... It went awesome but it's like I was joking with Greg Charles down in the carol lines. Doing 4.5 minutes sets on a show like that, that's the stand-up equivalent to being a relief picture. It's just so quick, you go in and you just can't fuck up.

If you screw up a joke, that's like you walked a batter and you're like, all right, just let that go. One joke, I messed up a little bit, but, but, I kind of, I figured out between this one and the last one how to do it. I was always kind of in there with stand-up comedy club energy, and it just doesn't work because they're such a hot crowd that they applaud, and it messes up your time. You have to, you got to like, almost like host the show, you do like a monologue. It's funny, like when I was doing open-air thing, we were watching Rich Little, that's where I,

the click, I was like, look how slow he's going and he's killing. And then from then on out, like, I've had much better sets on the show, but I got to tell you dude, every time I go to do it, like, at some point I fucking freak out and have a meltdown. Really? Like I'm just like, Jesus Christ, what a fuck, what a fuck am I doing this? Why didn't I just, why didn't I be a manager? And I could be the guy in the fucking green room going, okay, go out there and have a good set. Hi, right.

Right. Eating cookies and having a good fucking time. Why did I have to be this guy who goes out there? And then of course you get out there and you get a couple of laps and you're like, this is why, this is fucking awesome. But at one point, I always will have that, I wanna go home and crawl into my bed

under the covers. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's four minutes, why is it we can go into a fucking club anywhere in the country, go up after anybody, do an hour, and I mean, look, I get nervous a little bit, but not really, you know you're gonna fucking do it, sink or swim, it doesn't matter.

But that four minutes on TV, it's four fucking minutes. We're doing this for 20 years. When I did Carson daily, dude, Carson daily ain't shit. Nobody watches it, it doesn't fucking matter. It's like, I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool. And then when they go, are you ready? Something happens, you start to get a little... Because it's being documented.

It's being documented. And like when you stand up on a club, even if they just said go up and go do four minutes, like down Caroline's Eve, yeah. You just go up and go do it. It's the fact that it's being filmed and it's being documented. And if you eat your balls,

that is in your little smith, so many in California. You know what? You know what? When there's regular, like when I do the gala in Montreal, I do the nasty show, I'm fine. But when there's regularly, like when I do the gala in Montreal, I do the nasty show, I'm fine. But when there's rules, like don't say this, so don't do that, you can't, it fucks up my head sometimes. That's a f**k stuff.

Absolutely. Yeah, one of the only TV things I'd ever gave a shit about was when they taped the nasty show for HBO Canada. Because you were like, yeah, who gives a f**k? I'm just going out and doing the nasty. I could say whatever I want. Even if somebody heckles me, I can trash them. You know, when they tell you it's four minutes squeaky clean,

don't address the audience, don't do that. That's like being a cop and they're going, go in there, there's a guy in there with a gun. Yeah, I'll ask you. You gotta take them down, but you can only use these three methods. That's fucking scary. I actually started doing this thing.

I did it on Carson Daily, because you know, we always have the mics with the cords. I got so nervous while I was out there because they on Carson Daily was the worst. I loved doing that show. It was the, they didn't know warm up. No that show. Do you know Tom Papa told me he goes when that show was on he goes I used to always what he'd look at the lineup every week and he'd look for one of his friends to be on there and just watch him bomb and like he used to bomb on he'd look at the lineup every week and he'd look for one of his friends to be on there and just watch him bomb and like,

he used to bomb everybody. It wasn't like you bombed, you bombed, and Carson would laugh, and the band would laugh, but the crowd wasn't miked. Remember they had those, they had the metal, these metal folding chairs. And it was all 16 year old girl. Waiting to see the band, whatever alt band,

Carson had on. His energy, he has like, his energy is like, who's that guy, Charlie Rose? It was like, that's his style of doing. So I always felt that when I was going out there to do comedy, it was almost obnoxious because they would be saying, that's great, you got the, I'm coming out, I'm telling you, man, every time I see you just making better music. Okay, coming up now, the comedy,

and I just felt like I had a fucking lampshade on my head. Yeah, what the fuck is with cell phones? I did this thing the first time I went out there. I got so nervous that when you know you have the mic, when you do this, and you shake the mic to get the mic cord out of wherever fucking tangles in when you're walking around the stage, I started fucking shaking, I had the mic in my hand,

and I would do this after the joke. I would just shake the mic like I had a cord. I came off and my manager was like, what the fuck was that? And when we watched it, just me after every joke, kinda just shaking my, the microphone. That's fucking hilarious. And then the second time I went out, I did it again.

And he would, dude, don't do that. I got it, fuck you, fuck, I'm all done. I did it one time he would do it. Don't do that. I got it. Fuck you. Fuck. I'm okay I'm out there and I did it one time I shook it and then the third time I I did it three times the third time I finally didn't give a fuck Kevin Bacon and his brothers band they right bacon brothers I fucking started smashing them and making fun of footloose right and I didn't give a fuck cuz I knew it didn't matter But that was my first TV Legitimate besides premium blend of course. No, no, no, I remember.

I remember one of your first ones. Beach House, I have it on tape at home. This poor bastard. Have you remember that? He did Jim Brewer's Beach House for some reason. What channel was that on? It was MTV. MTV, let's put stand-up comedy outside during the day

on a beach. And he wants to put great thing about Brewer is he would still kill. Right, no. It's like he's like thing about Brewer is he would still kill. Right. He's like in a tropical storm and he's still killing. So he brings out Bobby and Bobby crushed. And I know he crushed, because he came home totally excited.

Or crushed for that level of thing, right? There were 100 degrees out, the kids were out there all day. They had to spray him down with super soakers. These just 19 year old hot Jersey brods sitting on the sand. And this is what the sun was facing you. So you couldn't see. So you're out there squinting your eyes.

And they're literally spraying these hot kids down as you're doing your show. And they're all shit-faced on top of it because it's spring-brain. Well, by the time I got up, they were like off their high, they were just hot, hot in the hydrate. And they were, you know, they don't TV doesn't give a fuck. They're like, we need you, you know, come on, pep it up, oh fuck me dude. Then you had to sit on a swing with Brewer

and he interviewed you. Dude, all I remember was Bobby came home and he was excited because despite all of that, he had a good set. So he called all his family and friends to watch it. And then we sat and we watched on this little kitchen TV that I had and he sat in there watching and I'm getting all excited to see him kill on this thing and they had Mike to crowd.

And I could tell by his face he was doing all right but when you watched it at home, it looked like he's eating his balls and I watched Bobby's smile slowly like just completely Deflated and the worst part was it ended and the phone didn't ring Nobody called his mom nobody fucking call not cuz the rassles I just didn't know what to say and then I was just sitting there going like Dude to do that was good. You were like know it wasn't Twenty seconds later this jackass is ordered like 50 bucks with the Chinese food Jesus Christ. Twenty seconds later this Jackass is ordered like 50 bucks with a Chinese food. Jesus Christ.

This didn't. I would have to. Dude, that was like, that was early on 97, 98. That my first Carson I bombed, my jokes were bombed. And the first one out of the gate bombed, second one bombed. I trickled out a couple more. It was a bad set. I'm shaking my hand.

I go to the seller, the air in it on Friday night. We're at the seller. It was a bad set. I'm shaking my hand. I go to the seller. They're airing it on Friday night. We're at the seller. It's on both TVs. Someone found out that I was on Carson daily. They asked me, put it on, put it on. I want to see it up. On the second you go, no, she goes, put it on. Put it on. Good. I say, in grace, there's no volume. So they just gonna, they just watch you at the seller on it and they read the closed caption, right? Fine, they're gonna read my jokes, laugh, laugh, laugh.

This cut on the first joke wrote, light laughter. Ah, Steve Burnt was, oh no. Steve Burnt was right next to me and went, fuck in you, bombed. He just started laughing at me. That is funny, man. Even the guy writing at New Ho's Bobby. Jesus Christ. They have to let deaf new, how is Bobby? Jesus Christ.

They have to let deaf people know how bad you're doing too. How does a fucking dick move? You know he's just a dick who's a fucking at one in the morning, having a tight sense of shit. I can't anybody writes anything about you. It's never wired or wired, a good thing. Someone wrote this great review of my some standup show I did. But even then, they had to take a shot of how I looked.

You know, it was business big head lumbars around the stage. Where does it come from though? I don't what happened to like Elvis fans? Dude, I would pay someone for a fluff piece. At some point I would just love to be able to read. And that's why you can't fucking read them. Speaking of which, I have a hate mail that I received. No, Joe, you? Yes. As we talked about this, because we really got,

yeah, this is right on fucking subject. Joe, no one was saying you were taking an off subject. No, I'm just having you mention it, because I was like, oh, maybe I can read, because I wrote a retort to the hate mail that I didn't send it. Don't. Don't have it. You never write them back.

This kid writes to me. Then they know you read it. Yeah, well, he's going to know now if he's listening to this. But this kid writes to me, we've been getting so many nice messages about this podcast. And this kid writes. Well, it's awful. Yeah, I know.

It stinks. But you know, low expectations. It's a lot of nonsense. Yeah, look, we're leading. I'm just reading these fucking tweets from people right now. Yeah? Yeah, because we're talking about, I know that if I go to this Twitter,

people are gonna be like, why can't we just be in the moment here, Bob? I'm just doing fucking shit. Because this is my podcast, Bill, and I gotta fucking, I gotta work it out. No, you were listening when he was talking. I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing,

I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing,

I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm here every week with you. Joe, listen Joe, no matter how long you're in this business. Here we go Bob. Joe, I'm joking. You're in this business. You're always going to be behind me and Bob. I know, I know. You're always going to be the little brother.

All right. Director. So this kid is kids and this kid says Vini Monew writes, he writes, hey, Dero said, I just listen to you on Bill Burz podcast when you and the one where you and Bobby Kelly were on together. You're a pussy man, gross and balls. Exactly. That's what we were trying to tell you on that podcast.

Okay, so this is the retort I wrote. I didn't said that. I wrote, Mark, thank you for your email man, sincerely. It's rare that I get honest feedback from the audience and I love the rare occasions that I do. I mean, usually for career advice, I go to my manager or agent or a fellow comedian. I was gonna go up noxious.

Or anybody at all in the fucking world with an ounce of showbiz experience. But it's really refreshing with a totally clueless pats like yourself chimes in. It exposes me to a fresh perspective. One that do to its utter stupidity is so infrequently voiced. Also just to clarify, what kind of balls do I need to grow? The kind that let me be a tough guy like you. After all, you did figure out how to be confrontational in the most pussy way possible over email. Oh, you big, strong man. So in case you haven't gathered yet, you're a douche. And that's a fact. It's not that I think you're a douche, you are a douche, definitely without question.

Just enjoying knowing that. Now, Jesus, Joe, get to the end. Just offering an outsider's perspective. You should understand what that's all about. Boom. Two shay. Joe, why don't you say putts it's over. Now go and fuck off, asshole.

Yeah, you shouldn't have said putts. I didn't send it. I just wrote it. I off, that's all. You shouldn't have said putts. I didn't send it. I just wrote it in the subway. I know, but what are you fucking mel Brooks? Why did you read it to us, though? If you didn't send it, hit send. No.

Now, don't do that. I thought we would just enjoy hearing it. Joe, you know how psyched I would be as a listener to know that you fucking wrote the Declaration of Independence to fucking five words that I sent. You grow a dick, you suck, and then you're gonna write, I had a late joke. How sick of it, though a lady so how long did it take you to write that how much how much time in your life did you

Wait five minutes. You're full of shit. What it took me talk to you. It would have took me a long time It was not him first of all you had to you had to get worked up you had to let that email roll around in your head I read the email a week ago, and I never said anything but it's been bugging I saw I left it alone and then I saw it in my inbox today and then I was like, fuck this and then I typed that up. I had one the other day, it caught me. It just bugs me, man. No, it's a new level of tough skin.

It's like getting heckled how that would devastate you when you first started. But some people have to, I wrote back a lady who saw my special, my half hour special, you know, some of the fat jokes I was doing, and she was appalled that I was talking about being fat. Oh yeah, that one was awesome. And yeah, she really laid into me about her, she has obese sister, and you don't know what it is, and the fact that you're, and I spent a day and a half writing an e-mail back to this whore about, you know, how fucking dare you tell me.

Yeah, because you had lost the weight. So she thought, she thought he was just being mean to fat people the way I am. Right. Well, that's the fucking, and that's what bothers me about it. These people don't stop to actually listen, they have selective hearing, they pick out the words they want to hear, and then they sew it away. And then they have knee jerk responses to stuff, at least think it over. Think it out for a fucking day or two about what you're going to say.

Yeah, but he was proud. I guarantee you that guy was a fan of yours and a fan of Bill's podcast and was just, we were calling you a pussy that day, busting your nuts, and he's just trying to be us going dude, man. He's going to write back back you just got trolled Well that new thing that everybody says It's you just breaking balls You basically just say something just to make somebody mad

You know you don't even fucking mean it It's like what seventh grade girls do and for some reason it's like all the rage It's basically the video game equivalent of when you lose a game and then you just say Why let you win I wasn't even trying to. This is what I hate. This is what I hate. When a guy fucking tweets. When a guy will tweet Billy and smashes me in it, you know, puts my name in it, but tweets him to say Bob Kelly's such a fat fuck. Why do you hang out with him or something to bond with him? He doesn't like me. I fucking block those douchebags. But this guy just sent it to you. If he sent it to me with him. He doesn't like me. I fucking blocked those douchebags, but this guy just sent it to you

If he sent it to me and him about you, that's a different fucking. No bothers me man You know what? It's gonna get a lot worse. It was me Joe. It was me right it was me. No, I sent it I swear to God and you know So you were being a bitch on that one you will be a bitch on that podcast. I look I Admin it on the podcast that I was being a bitch because I was stressed out about Not the festival and trying to fucking chill out. I admitted to that what bothered me was he is trying to be you guys And it's like you know what you don't get to be these guys number one. You're not damn number two

You don't know me the way they are already Joe an email No, let's have fun Joe. I don't want to talk about an old podcast. No, no, no, we're not talking about I'm talking about people People are saying the fucking reviews of that. We're talking about people sending you hate me. I know Joe and I already told you You got to develop a tough skin and just I I disagree I agree that you got a tough stand to Tough skin and criticism back to those people see see how that works. I don't right back to him ever.

You're not listening to me. I'm not saying I'm right. I'm not listening to you. You wrote like fucking, you know what I'm gonna do? You know what this podcast is gonna, he's gonna send you another email. I'm not listening. He's not, because if we could,

I'm just trying to explain something. I agree that you, Joe, can I just say something first of all? You don't have the ability to go fucking, daaah, and move on. You're a, you few of lawyer in your blood You need to make your point and fucking listen. I agree with you If you agree with the shit

I'll fuck up and let's talk about something else. You don't agree with me. I fucking I agree with you I agree with you Coming our podcast can we just say that? Can I get a little? Can I get a little? Yeah, don't even bring that up. Why is he always begging for credit? Why are you letting him fucking do that?

Why? He said it not me. Don't yell at me. I'm not. But it's a lot of my listen. You're in that time. I'm talking. I'm joking.

Why is he always begging? Because Bill, it's a joke.. I'm joking. Why is he always begging? Because Bill is a joke. Because I'm joking. It's a credit. Because it's a joke. It isn't a joke. It's a joke, Bill. Do you remember when we did the Montreal show?

Stop saying Bill, Bill, Bill. It's a joke. All right. You said it. I heard it. He heard it. And we're up in Montreal. We're up in Montreal.

And we're doing the cheat live show. Yeah. And we say, Joe, you'll host. Bobby will go next and I'll close it out. And then he's like, dude, you know, I just feel like if I host, I'm just worried how I'm going to look at what we're doing stand up in a transvestite bar. It's just, Joe, you're always fighting for above the line credits. And this is funny.

How is that above the line? Joe, I was telling you for years that you stink. Yeah. I did what you're doing. I'm just was telling you for years that you stink. And you need, I get what you're doing. I'm just fucking what you are. I know you are. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. Listen, Joe, hey everybody loves you.

Oh, stop, I love Joe. We love Joe. Joe, I love you. We respect you. This is our pot show. We do it together, okay? Well, I'd like to see my picture up there at some point. It's not gonna happen.

Fuck you, you said you would put it up there. It's not gonna happen. Fuck you Six months We'll see you commitment lives. It's been getting better. It's been getting better This is not a promise like Dave Grohl with his podcast. What do you mean Dave Grohl? Well the way he holds together the food fighters. They have people going in and out Nettin out nettin out and he's he's the anchor. All right Did do a Gary Goman podcast this weekend. Oh, thanks for calling me.

I was in Connecticut. We want to take a train to Connecticut. He's, oh, you did it when you were at your show together. Oh, OK. All right. That's fine. See you next time. Thank you, Paul.

I'm glad you're here. What going, is you kept telling me about the Goman when I was excited about it. I was too. Jody, think you'll ever get over your abandonment issues? No. Never. Never. Was it raining when your real parents left you on this? I don't know, I fight a funny guy. I'm gonna hang up there. Your adopted makes me laugh.

Um, because it's my pain and you find that humorous. It's not pain. You're fine. You got a better pain. Oh, yeah. I'm a tip top. How long was the basket that they put Joe and you know he was a long he was like a long baby I bet it was it was it to go tin Rapt him up first joke ever wrote. It was a literally the first joke ever wrote about that I wrote I my first joke ever wrote was I'm Egyptian I'm also adopted well I wasn't adopted my parents found me floating down the river in a basket Moses reference. That was the first joke ever ever wrote. It's a terrible joke.

Wow. But first joke I ever wrote. So what you might be saying is that we're really tapping into the core of your paint. No, I'm saying that your basket jokes might be my first joke. My first joke was at catcher rising star. Remember catcher rising star in Harvard Square? Yeah. You used to have to sign up on the wall.

Yeah. You know, put your name on the wall to do up and Mike. I remember I invited my whole family down. 15 of them came down and the owner of the club said, listen, I don't want your family screaming in yelling. So, town to keep it down when you go up. I don't want the other white trash family tree that you came from. Okay. No, no. Is it white trash? No, my family's not white trash. Dude, and in Harvard stop now no no I'm being honest because I'm actually thinking of my family I've never thought if my family's white trash and they are white trash because all 13 of us lived in one house so they it would be white trash but here's a deal

generally terrible people go ahead continue but here's a deal well we didn't all come from fucking can't and have trees in our backyard. Yeah, really, it's funny when it goes on to the other guy. What did you learn to enjoy it more? Jesus, Joe, and then you open your mouth and now we're back to you. Would you let him tell the story? My first joke was I took a, I go, I shook my hand like this, I shook my hand like I was holding something, like I was ringing a bell, I go, shook my hand like this I shook my hand like I was holding something like I was ringing a bell

I go what's this and then the crowd would begrudgingly go what and I go Me making coffee and then I took out two equals and I shook the equals and I ripped the package open and I poured them on the stage That's not even a joke. Yeah, that was my first job. That's a mind wow the stage. That's not even a joke. Yeah. That was my first joke. That's a mind. Wow. Fuck is that? You're like you, you baby in a basket. At least with those as a punch. I think of some of mine. I can't even I had a good Wilbur treat Timber Timber. What was that? I forget that it was. Oh, you did it.

Now it was a bad one. That was a kill a joke. You killed at the beginning. That was a bad as mine. That joke. I did it. No, that was a bad one. That was a... It was a kill to joke. You killed. At the beginning, that was a bad as mine. I had a joke about Chris Cross. The rap group? Yeah. And because I was making fun of how young they were and it was a woman up, Chris. A woman up, Chris. Hey, go to bed, Chris.

What are you like, nine years old? Nothing. Just... That's funny though. go to bed Chris what do you like nine years old nothing that's funny that sounds like a bird joke though it sounds like a shitty bird joke but it sounds like a I wasn't like I was I had a staff of writers Joe but you know that my my that sounds like it would get a laugh it's a mistakes but it sounds like I get a laugh

oh Joe let me tell you something it didn't. And I actually did the little fucking dance woman up, Crale, whatever the hell I was doing. Ha ha ha. Dude, here's another shitty early one I did. When right after 9-11 happened. I just thought of one, too.

This is fun. Let's go around the circle with him. The, uh, or after 9-11 happened. Oh, fuck, I'm genius. Jesus Christ. You're just gonna fucking, long, fucking fingers and arms and elbows have to knock shit over all the time. Yeah.

What was that? Some remote or something? Joe, what did you do? Did you put your arm up there? Oh, you're fine. Just a like, fucking, fucking, fucking, I'm sorry. He just did another one.

Oh, the fuck is wrong. Yeah. Did you hands up? Did you really get one? Did you hands up? He's got an accident the to get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up?

Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up?

Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up?

Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? Did you really get that up? I was gonna say I was gonna say He's mad at something like that. Think of the word. I'll have a good medic. Oh, I got a bump grew up in prison. Jesus Did you're you're you're you're minutes away from them putting that boss list up on the wall at all No, not for you. Nobody's fucking dumb as that dude. Come on. I fuck up on there Nobody's fucking dumb as that dude. Come on. I fuck up on there Word once in a while, but that clock sucks. This is the genius fucks up real like like regular words You say supposedly supposedly supposedly I say I say socially Sojibli you put a beat it. I do cuz I'm from Boston. I blame it on my upbringing in Boston Go ahead, what was he saying? Bill? The saying that genius of Bob is Bob knows where he's smart. And he

stays on that little corner. And he'll just talk to that boss tries to just start walking around the fucking room. Yeah. Yeah. I was hanging out with Deepak Chopra. Oh, boss. He shouldn't have it. The, uh, he looks. Oh, wait,. Wait, let's do the shitty jokes. That was fun. I want to hear another shitty joke. Joe, are you hanging out with me if I go to a comb over like that guy? Of course.

And about 10, you would. What a true friend. I was either a guy on TV with a comb over. I did a joke about the... Remember the ice castles? Uh-uh. The show about the remember the remember ice ice castles The show about the line reference. It was a blind it was a blind ice skater figure skater no She was blind and it was a tragic story and she comes out again raped no, she's get raped Why were you watching? Oh?

Rape talk about fucking I spit on your grave after this you fucking third ball who got me into rape Who I do you got so I spit on your grave was like the first I told you about that movie. I didn't get you into rape that was your child scene on the rock Yeah, no that's that movie. Yeah, I didn't know about that movie you just tell me I just randomly brought up that movie I was like this was I was reacting to the porn you were watching said dude This fucking movie is crazy Oh, no, dude. I remember why I brought that up I Remember why and I can't fucking say why okay, if you hit pause I could tell you why and then you could fucking say if I can say it on the

podcast I don't have pause I don't I figure that out yet Something tells me you guys should just save it till after this sounds like something you don't want to know I remember I mean this bridge To Billy's I fuck it would tell me after but um so ice castles Yeah, the chick was a blind ice gator and at the end she fuck does the move river and she they all this is the funniest part though they all got throwing you know when she finally gets the whole move down and she wins the competition they'll start throwing roses out on the fucking ice and

then she's wipe out and what happens and she falls and her herself now she just gets back up and gets around but my my joke was like, she's blind. Why would you throw roses, but then I start acting up. Bravo, bravo. I remember that. Oh shit. Oops, excuse me, pardon me. Excuse me, pardon me.

And I like the guys trying to leave. Oh, that's so bad. I never got that part of the joke. Oh, excuse me, pardon me. That's from, I took that from Mel Brooks' movie. What is it? The producers. I remember Bobby's first really good joke.

What? You did one about some girl. Oh, stop the insanity. Oh, she lost. He goes, she lost like whatever for. She lost, she's 600 pounds. Where did all the loose skin go? Where did all the skin go?

She folded and sticking in her ass like a parachute. And then you go, you would make this sound that sounded exactly like a parachute. Fully up skin, folding up into her ass. And I thought it was like, oh, that's an awesome joke. That's a party. He's got a sound effect. I know, dated her.

Jessica Kirsten. That was her girlfriend for a while, Susan Pardis. All right. Yeah, she came out of the fucking. You know what's funny on my podcast? I don't name names on this one, dude. You name fucking hometowns. You just fucking, you just really just fucking-

That's why people love this stuff. Oh, is that what it is? This is just, this is like- I, uh- Well, just a candle list. Jessica, I mean, I- I would let her fucking maybe throw that out there. That she dated that parachute ass check.

Yeah, it's a good point. Yeah, it's a good point, though. You know what's funny? You fucking name names, too! No, I don't do it like that though. I love Jessica Kirsten one of my favorites I love There's a rumor out there that Bob doesn't I know I love Jessica, which is why I would have ever said her name on this podcast. I would say Jack because I want Defender a little bit. A little bit.

So shut up and press. You fucking long fingers. It's so passive. I don't like that Joe's watch doesn't fit on his wrist. It fits on his forearm. It's so passive aggressive that he just did that to Justin. Here's because I started out. I started out in a black club in Philly.

Here's one of my first jokes. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, because you had to. I like that Joe hasn't looked at me once during this He's telling you everything. I can't I thought you were doing the same and it was bugging me I'm not really so you just do what you suck as a human. Yeah, you really just Listen to this. This is just social socially. This is this joke this because cuz you're in the black room, dude And I didn't know I'd do what I was doing

I was like I got it I I gotta be like a black comic and deliver shit that way. And it was right after 9-11, and they put up that thing that said, anybody that can catch a terrorist will give you a million dollar reward. And I was like, man, I'm half Egyptian, but I don't even care.

I was looking through my high school yearbook for anybody that even had a tan. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I liked your little black scent. You're so... Oh, I did the black scent on the end. Because you're not...

You used to do black rooms all the time. You just... Well, I was... I was bomb, but you had another story I've already done on a podcast. I told him I used to this last week was I fucking... I would throw in... when I was starting to bomb, I would still do my material, but I would throw in, you know what I'm saying at the end of my, at the end of every joke, I'd be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know what

I'm saying? I think, I think, I think, you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying right now. Robinson does that when he's bombing at joke bombs, he'll go to true story, true story, like that's gonna fucking make him go, oh, I was true. Oh he does it. Yeah I did it the other night. He did it your room too. Pay attention God damn. Yeah you true story. You had a joke you had a joke about I remember the first time I met you guys when we went up to that college with Oakerson and we went to that crazy strip but I remember Jay turned to me and he goes, oh, you could tell Billy

still does the black room occasionally. Because you were talking about being in the army, you had that joke about being in the army and you go, you think you're going to be fighting and shooting guns, you end up just painting a tank or whatever and doing chores. And you're sitting there, painting a tank on, this is some bullshit. And what do you get built? Oh, yeah. That's a black room punch line.

I tell you, this is some bullshit That's actually I should I should cry will silvence Well, that's that's almost sounds like will so Vince not the joke with give saying this is some bullshit That was it. That was it. There's the gig that the lady came out But she goes she goes look at these a new microphone. So does any you don't bang them or doing no not a fucking not at all Yeah, we don't fuck one we had not a hacks. We don't fucking bang the microphone What do we care it top and then we cut to Billy fucking clanging the new microphone on the mic? Yeah, the fucking King King King King King

Throw it on the ground. That was at the end. That was the last bit Then he tosses it on the ground and we're like what are you did this lady's like Fucking new 500500 wireless microphone. Yeah, she was freezing. I just remember hearing a clang off the mic stand going, okay, what's up? Clang, clang, clang. I was just doing some bit.

Oh, was it cutting out on me? I can't remember what. No, you had a bit where you had to make the noise and you probably did it at the comedy club with the mic. But nobody, you know, nobody gives a fuck. This lady specifically said, you know, I don't miss those. I would always get in trouble with those things. I'm doing Saturday night. I'm doing the SUNY Delhi. I do it once a year from Marty. It's a fucking whatever. It's an orientation. I remember doing one and they had some

fuck. It was like, what was it? What was that thing? Orientation. Yeah, it's an orientation. I remember doing one and they had some fuck, it was like, what was that thing, orientation? Yeah, that's what I'm doing on your side. Yeah, orientation, they would have the kids come in. Right, new kids. Yeah, so there's some guy up there, some recovered heroin addict, he's talking about bottom and out, and not doing drugs and blah, blah, blah,

and this, all this sad shit, and then I gotta go on after it. So like, I went up there. I was like, you know, I love these for cover addicts. You know, if they've had all their fun and banged in the mud, all of a sudden you're supposed to sit here and not do anything. You got four years to do all your drugs and blah, blah. I said something like that.

It basically advocated using drugs after it, trying to get a laugh. It actually kind of worked and I did fine. But the second, as I was doing the bit, I saw the people, the organizers scurrying around and talking to this one guy, and Ben Bailey was closing it, and he wasn't there yet, and I remember, I was supposed to do a half hour,

I was about 25 minutes into my set, and Ben shows up, and the second he shows up, like five people, fucking walk right up to him, and start telling him what he can, he can't say, and as they're talking to him, he sorta looks up at me, and I just smiled at him, I'm like,

hey, I don't think I'm getting the fucking check on this one. I got that, I had that tap in so many fucking times. One time in Boston at a school, me and Jeff Ross, I used to say, Faggy in my act at one point. I go, that's Faggy. And Dane was there a month before and is closing bid at the time. Yeah, you're a Faggot. You're a Faggot. Yeah. And she comes

up to me after this poor girl. I felt bad for her. She had to come up to me and deliver me the news. How they were disappointed in me and the show because we I said I made fun of gay people. She was beat red. Like she was so nervous to say this to me. I go, when did I make fun of gay people? Well, you said, Faggy, the word Faggy. I go, Faggy. I go, I go, did you have dinkook here? Like a month ago, right?

She goes, yeah. I go, his closing bit. Do you remember it? She goes, yeah. I go, he says, you're a Faggot. And nobody had a problem with that. She goes, well, it's kind of the way he says it. I'm like, fuck, whatever, fuck you. That's funny.

I like how you went Kobe Bryant on a... Yeah. Shaq does it too. You got what you deserve for throwing your friend under the bus. Fuck, fuck, fuck, that. No, I'll throw you in the boy and I'm gonna wait a minute. You threw Dane under the bus there,

what you bring up Dane? Because why wouldn't I fucking bring up fucking Dane? Because he's a friend. No, fuck you. That fucking cocks that go said Faggot and everybody and all these fucking Come back then you bring them all these come back fucking college students who have no fucking clue have no backbone Just go down like cattle and sheep whatever fucking I gotta admit I gotta admit the way you're saying it now

It is offensive the way you say it doesn't bother me when Dane says it. When he says it though, it bothers me. Dane is just so goddamn likable. Bobby goes on. He really is a likable guy. Yeah. He is. I made a girl flinch on Saturday night.

I went in, she said something to me, and I went, I didn't hear her. I just leaned in, I go, what? And she flinched, I go, did you think I was gonna hit you? But it's just my fun, my energy. And you know what's funny about that? Is you were the one who actually taught me, I'm such a psycho, used to give me tips

on how not to be so blunt with people. I remember one time we went to a restaurant and the lady goes, I guess everything okay here, you went to my water and I went, no. And she walked away and back then I didn't know that was bad. And you were like, what the fuck? And I was like, what? She asked me if I want water, I said, no.

And you go, yeah, but you could be like, you know what, thanks for asking, but I'm okay. And I actually had to work on that for like a fucking year. I had my last three stories bombed her. No, I don't think you're wrong for doing that though. Sometimes you get it. No, it's fucking raw, I mean. You know what? I have my last three stories bombed her pipe. Not at all. I don't think you're wrong for doing that though. Sometimes she got his fucking raw, I mean. You know, some girl fucking,

she's a very nice girl comic that I met the other night. She goes here and she hands me a pen and I go, what is that? And she goes, these are my pens that I give out. I go, I don't want it. And she goes, just take it. No, that's, but that's, I don't want it.

That's different, Joe. That's different. You should have done it on a stake. And then throw it down the street. I don't want it. Why do you want to fucking pen from an open mic? Some waitress that just hate you guys and anything now, eh, tone, it's tone. We're talking about tone with a civilian

or some open mic are giving out pens, fuck her. I get annoyed though when people are too engaging in the rest of our, I got a buddy that I go to subway with a lot, just out of coincidence. Jesus, Joe, have consideration for some of the economic troubles people have. Oh, I love you for you. Bring out your high flutin' restaurants. Oh, you're right.

I'm sorry. But I go to subway. I'm going to spend it before you let them finish the fucking bus. Well, I thought he was saying I never, I don't know, I got mixed up. I know you did. But we go to subway a lot together. I love the guy, but every time we're in there, he's like, he yes, thank you very much a cheddar please and he's too night and it's like stop It's subway you point and you go peppers pickles onions tomatoes. I don't like what people know. Thank you

We don't need water right now. He there's nothing wrong with what he did. He said no Do you need me? Don't be doing if he wasn't trying to block the sunshine in somebody's life? Let me tell you something. That's the worst thing. When Joe fucking finally does make it if it does happen, if he makes it, he's in a critical point right now. Fucking gonna be a dick. I'm not.

You're gonna be a dick. I'm not. You're gonna go to restaurants. You're gonna be the guy that returns shit just to return it. No, I stopped doing that. I used to do that a whole day. No, I stopped doing that. I used to do that all day. Exactly. I fucking knew it all.

And I just knew that was you. You know what I'm doing is for the listeners here. Bob, nobody fucking calls it like Bobby Kelly. When he says somebody's a fucking psycho, I swear to God, that last person not gonna name a name. I am done. I am done.

Because when you call somebody out, every time I go, dude, you know, he just being uptight and he fucking nails at every time. I always like, free once later, I fucking figure it out. But I'm telling you, so if he says that you're gonna be an asshole when you met, he is, you know, he's gonna be, he's gonna be like Brett Butler. Yeah, you know, that's what you're gonna be.

Storm it. Can this something just. What did she do though? Like what was her thing that she did? No, she's, I'm gonna trash her now. She was quite a character when she had her own show. Yeah, Roseanne. Same thing, she fucking snapped on people.

Flipped out. Flipped out. Why don't you get a little power, Joe? It's a wrap. You're, it's a wrap. You don't get a wrap now quite frankly. I don't know if we're gonna get that far. I'm gonna get that far. You don't do well with it. You don't you might be a wrap now quite frankly You don't do well with it We do well with you don't do well with power. You're not good with power. You're not going with power

It could be true. It could be true. No, no, we're telling you we're not even kidding right now It's like I know you're waiting for us to you know I know you're trying to play it off like we're joking Joe I'm telling you like this one good is face Joe I'm dead. I'm like because it's funny to me. I never free from the set cheat once. I'm not what I was Comischit on the set of cheat week guy. We I never freaked we were we were doing a lot of pressure I never free telling you you don't handle it well

I Never yelled at anybody. I never I was very cool and collected the whole time that we did that. What do you think, what do you think, but what's he gonna book? And we're gonna see the other side of him. And his other, in this other thing, how long is it gonna take him to come out of it

that I'm now doing well, so now I'm treating people like shit. When is he gonna come back? I guarantee if Joe Books' show where he's on it, all the time, something, especially if it's like, you know, like a half-hour pilot where he's like one of the stars and he's making good coin and, you know, it's the phone call we're going to get. It's probably going to be the first month he's going to start doing it. I just, I can't, I'm busy right now.

I apologize. The phone calls. I think he's's gonna be really particular about what's in his dressing room. It's really hacky, but I just really see him being that guy with the call too. I know he's gonna get the call too. I just want Gatorade.

Is it? And then the way he fucking over like, oh my god, it goes over every fucking detail. And if there's any sort of the show, I might go away. That's when it's gonna bubble to the surface where Joe's gonna fucking snap. Oh, your first fame, your first fame,

you're gonna fucking lose it. You're gonna lose it. I feel bad for Conan. I feel bad for the management. That's why I feel bad. Cause they're gonna get 900 fucking phone calls about just meany old bullshit, just fucking horses. Here's a classic Joe D'Arosa.

He comes out to LA, tells me I can never live out here, blah, blah, blah, blah. We ended up having this meeting at this guy's fancy house up in the fucking hills. 10 minutes later, we come out of here, he goes, to see, this is why I want to get our movies done. So I can buy a house up in these hills and tell everybody to go fuck themselves.

We're not even down the hill yet. We're not even down the fucking hill, dude. I fucking let my ass off. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. He wants power and he wants to wield it and he's gonna abuse it. I don't think I would be an abusive dick.

This isn't up for debate, you know. I think I'd be a dick in the way that I would be crazy in my head about shit and that people would think I was being an asshole debaucher. I think I'd be a dick in the way that I would be crazy in my head about shit, and that people would think I was being an asshole, but I wasn't. I just wasn't being already blaming the vagaging. He's a walking around thinking about shit. No, no, no.

The second thing that would talk about him is his outfits. The outfits he would have, the shoes, you know, he'd definitely back to the beginning of the pocket. No, that vest. You'd be totally into vest, a pocket watch. No, but that's more your issue. That's more your issue because he's going to be such a dick and not handle his power.

Well, a blue collar guy like you, having to take shit from a guy who's going to dress the way Joe is. Like he's sort of in, what's that big Sherlock Holmes movies? He's going to dress something like that. More of a modern thing. He's going to have a fucking ass god got he'll do a show with an ass got Hey, you know pocket watch little pointy shoes. We'll see what happens look I am already trying to buy the By the shoes. I mean you've seen the shoes Joe shoes of fucking I I respect you that you always try to dress up

I actually like that you dress up, but you're a fucking apartment. I mean, you couldn't have got a better sub-lip. Oh, yeah. I mean, he's still there. I just, it's just there's no reason. I'm never going to get a better guy. I can't stand to look at the man. You can't, you know, to be, I mean, that, I mean, your apartment isn't better shaped than if I lived there.

He cleans it non-fucking stop. Every time you go there, he's wiping something, and organizing the shoes are fucking, just perfectly, just boom, boom, boom, boom, right on the floor. It's got to be one of the most infuriating things to build in the world that when he stays there, I am cleaning up after him and making him feel uncomfortable

in the place that he owns. There's already nice. He owns it, I'm fucking cleaning the shit up. And it pleases. It doesn't bother me. I love that. I love that. I love that.

That he freaks, he unplugs everything so there's no fire. He sweeps up, and then he goes on the road for like half a day. He's worried the biggest rat ever is going to come in there and eat the one crumb and he just he just sits there just meticulously cleans that fucking places every time he goes on the road he cleans the apartment if he could have a personality the way he cleans that apartment i think that we rate and boring

that's no fun when you agree. You figured it out. No, did I? That's the thing I hate. What was that? He just, he went real quiet, he would shut up. That's the thing I hate most about going on the road is I actually get major anxiety about leaving the apartment. I get tremendous anxiety about having to make sure it's clean. I'm so scared, I'm going to leave water running, I'm going in, I'm checking the faucets five times. It's sick.

It's a lot of level of power. Are you going to have to achieve in this business to fill that void of abandonment? That's what I want to know. Like how much is the industry going to have to be sucking your dick before you finally? I'll never enjoy it. It's just human being. Because if I got to the ultimate level of power in this business, if I got there, I would enjoy it.

I'd be like, my empire is crumbling. Yeah. I'd be like, it's Rothstein and Cassito. And if anybody got to do what you're fucking stuff around this place, I would just go batshit. I wouldn't enjoy a minute of it. That's why you want to be a director too. He wants to fucking, he'd rather be a director

because that's more power. That's more power than the star. Joe, now it's nothing more to be coming down on that fucking levitating chair. All right, this is a go. What the fucking thing? Of course. I wouldn't want to do that.

No, I would actually love to do it. But with you, this, this, this, that extra, I would do it because it's fucking cool. You do it, because you, you know what this reminds me of? There was a dude one time told me this story. We were talking about, you know, making it, whatever the fuck that means. He goes, man, I want to make it so I can do this,

this, this, and this, and he goes, man, I want to make it. So one time I can have an apartment full, a house full of whatever, the baddest bitches in the world, and right in the middle of the party, turn up the stereo, tell everybody to get the fuck out You got elements of that joke. I got it. You want that house on the hill get the fuck off my property You got that I got it man I got I was watching Iron Man to the other day

And I got excited in the big birthday party seat when he's wasted and he's finally like get out of here all yeah birthday party seat when he's wasted and he's finally like get out of here. Oh yeah. Just watching a bunch of bimbo's have to fucking try to run in their high heels. Did you see that fucking the movie? It's on Netflix called superheroes where they're real fucking superheroes. They're just real people real people. And they're in all over the country. Not the not the Hollywood Boulevard guys

They're real people who are superheroes. They have costumes and they patrol the fucking streets It's awesome the ones in New York are kind of actually kind of okay But the ones in our land the guy in Orlando just has like a German how many's spray-painted silver and then lacrosse Armor that he spray painted silver he has a cape. He's fat. He's got like a mullet and he's an alcoholic So every fucking half hour Every half hour he runs over to his band his van and he has big tall Budweiser's of bushes and he goes you work up a mighty thirst being a superhero and he just cracks it and Shugs the whole thing There's a bushes and he goes you work up a mighty thirst being a superhero and he just cracks it and

Shugs the whole thing. It's got something the greatest person ever This fucking guy and he try goes into bars and he'll go in there Let me patrol and hear make sure he'll go to the bar and just order a quick beer He's shit faced by the end of his patrol and he's so and I watch that that's guy something that flicks it's all superheroes and these fucking guys Most of them are fat and fuck one one guy hit it from his girl His costumes they have to protect her safety. Well she found out and she goes well I Don't like it. I don't like it at all. So if you're gonna do it. I'm gonna go with you So now she won't she goes out as a superhero dude, but she's just a fat girl. So she just got a t-shirt.

That like a, like it's a kitten, super kitten or something like that. And she goes out with them. And they It's like a middle aged one. Oh dude. The one in New York, they were kind of badass. It's this fucking gay kid. Who what's that stuff? They did in James, but they do all the movies now where they jump from building to building and what's that called I forget there's a name for it's like no that's not it's okay it's it's something but he does all that shit and he has you know some of them have stuff that they made like gadgets that they made. But this guy actually has cool fucking gadgets. He has a flashlight on his chest, like Iron Man, that is so bright, it's fucking crazy bright that if he just he hits it on his chest,

it will blind whoever's looking at him. Describe the brightness of it again, Bob. It's bright. Like, he is just crazy. Is he not in the light? That's like so bright. Well they go out, it's got is get the hot chick who's a fucking she's she's and he's too big mother fuckers

to shred it they're all in shape they all do karate and to jitsu and all fucking martial arts and they send the girl out walking around by herself in the neighborhood and then they'll go on set is and they'll they actually say that on the fucking thing and they'll go behind her and They'll they'll try to catch people that way and they'll send him out dressed like really gay And they'll try to get people to a fucking tacka will take his money and then they'll come out and fucking attack him There's one guy that walks around watching the square bar when he's really gay like what exactly do they do?

Yeah, the mesh shirt black mesh shirt with suspenders and and I think it was red leather pants and then he he switched his asses like every guy in every heavy metal band I saw in the 80s all those glam do you ever go back and look at the cover of Molly Cruz theater of pain did you ever look at Vince they're fucking gorgeous. They're gorgeous women. They're bitch. Neil looks like some chick. You try and pick up at hooters. Tommy Lee. Fucking the gorgeous poison. Loose like that too.

Poison with the lead singer, not the other guys. Beautiful. The other guy. You said the funniest one. The drummer look like mod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He does. That fucking idiot haircut. I'm a white man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He does. And fucking idiot haircut.

Number Cinderella. Dude, I saw all those fucking bands. I think two, man. The palace, remember the palace? And then they had the channel. No, I only went to the big ones. I went to the Providence Civic Center and the Worcester Center. And that's the thing.

I was talking about my podcast about the 20th anniversary of Nevermind. Like everybody actually was this cataclysmic moment. I never felt it I listened to it was like you know I saw the videos like yeah, and it's all right I didn't like I was making fun of the tap on solos remember Kurt Cobain did that shit. I still was into the All that all that head bangers shit. I love fucking. I love head banger and head and then hair bands with my shit That's what I like the head banging ones and then I liked like AC DC. I saw Warren at fucking the channel.

My cherry pie, she's much. I was like as close as I am. They were playing the channel at that point. The channel. Did he just die? Did he just die? What do you do? That fucking poor guy.

He never forgived himself for writing that song. One time he was like I could shoot myself in the head for writing that song. So this thing on VH1 was like, Jesus Christ, maybe he's been really hard on himself. Like, it's like dude, every band from that era except for like two went down and flames when Grunge came in. Why are you taking all of that on your shoulders?

Like, it's like you wrote it, it was a hit fucking song and music changes the same way it changed from disco to whatever the fuck went out. What did heavy metal? I don't know, I don't know. I don't know how you got it. They found them in a company. music changes the same way it changed from disco to whatever the fuck went out. What did heavy metal? Right. I don't know. I don't know how you got it.

They found him in a comfort. They don't know yet. They found him in a hotel. Yeah, music wasn't a comfort in it. It was a westwood fight. It was actually a little better than that. It's off. He's a father.

He's got kids. He is the best story about the change over to Grunge on behind the music. He said when Cheri Pie came out, he goes, we went into our record label. They were on like Warner Brothers or Lecture whatever was some huge label. And he goes right behind the secretary's desk of the headquarters of the record label

was a giant subway poster of Warren Cheri Pie. And he's like, man, we're on top. And he goes, and then I remember, and then when our next album was about to come out We went in and it was Allison change face lift and he was like oh boy times are changing. Yeah Everybody that Fleppard had one where they went on some MTV show and it was right dude It was like fucking you know December of 1991. So never mind came out and then Allison changed We actually had to album out before them

that I actually saw on MTV. But like the whole show was all grunge. And then deaf leprear, and he goes, yeah, we were like the sacrificial lambs at night because everyone was wearing flannels and then they're out there. Poor some sugar on me. I hated that album.

I loved deaf leprear. I loved the first one was great. The second one I liked. Iron Mania was a ship, but I didn't like it. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left.

I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left.

I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. I love Death left. But then eventually he went back to playing a regular kit. And he almost plays it the way Charlie Watch does, which Charlie Watch for a while wasn't hitting the high-atm when he hit the snare at the same time. Is this guy from the Stones?

Yeah, he just plays with like, he just plays the up top with the one hand. You know what I mean? I don't know how, I look, you're a drummer. He might be a great drummer, but every time I see the Stones growing up and see him, I would fucking, what the fuck, why is he in the band

you got a Charlie fucking way oh because you got and then just him you know why fucking made me sick you know why I said I said the same thing I was like he stinks he's not a good drummer now he's a phenomenal jazz drummer he's like an impeccable brilliant jazz drummer and he just when he plays rockets he's just like well no no. He's playing for this song Like if he if he was to go out and try and do some Keith moonshirt what he couldn't do It's not his style, but like Keith moons not the guy for that band. How about smiling? How about looking at the audience pointing a drumstick and a hot shit? Oh, Jesus. You like the cheese and it up look up

Yeah, that's not the stuff for fucking years years he should play drums. I'm telling you. Are you be great drum? You would be a fucking in- You have a presence and you're totally in the show and that's up. And you also when you fucking sing songs and stuff, you're musical enough where you're going to be fine. I'm not saying to quit comedy and go become a professional drummer. But dude, you're telling me exactly what I'm telling you, Bob. You're the next one. Every time when I go to the fucking, we'll go to one of those goddamn music stores, guitar center, and it'll be a built,

sit down and play something, sit down and play something, and then I play something. Afterwards, him acting out what I just played is always better. And he always do the thing when you grab the symbol and choke it. He's got like, dude, he goes, that's fucking you

and he's like, boom, you're bad, boom, you always, dude, he goes, that's fucking you and you're getting born, you bad, you bastard. You always does that fucking thing. Whatever the fuck you do. And the look on his face is like, dude, I would fucking kill to watch you play drums. I have dreams. I have two dreams.

I have a terrible dream. It's always tsunamis, 100, 200 foot waves on the top of a hotel building. No room service. No room service. That high. Sorry, head again. No room service That high No room service Sorry, head to get one They're that high

They're coming in And then I have a dream Where I'm the fucking I'm the fucking drummer in a metal band And but it's 200,000 people And at the stage is a hundred feet high It's like that fucking just big

And I'm on the fucking drums And there's one point where the guy goes and Kelly on the drums And I just You know it you should do it you should just do it That's fucking heavy love, you should do it, you should just do it. You have to learn how to do it. You have the basement apartment here, do it's perfect.

We'll go see, next time a talc comes around, we'll go see him, because you'll love it, because Lars is a good drummer, he's not the greatest drummer, he's a very good drummer, but he gets up in between songs and runs to the side of the stadium, and screams at the audience, runs back. It's awesome. Tommy Lee is one of my favorite drummers

because he's fucking, it's like he's fucking a work in metal, just like a fucking iron one. He's coming down on it. No, it's awesome. We saw them when they opened up for our arosmith on John's beach and he was the fucking heart of that band

And he was really was the shit bug me his last thing the circus thing They have on Netflix that concept thing and he he did a new you know, cuz he always came up with the new shit He would you know the drum kit would come up then it came up and then it turned upside down and he's oh He ritched it down. I never saw that shit So that was he would always every time you saw crew You'd see him do some different shit. I fucking and then I didn't know I saw I'll show you the YouTube video on the end then fucking What's his name? He did that fucking weird shit in the last?

Special they did the movie Didn't even know there was a moment. It's on Netflix, Smotly Cruise, fucking circus of something. It's their content come back. It's actually pretty cool. But he does this thing where he goes up and he does new drums and he does all kinds of bullshit like Jimmy Page shit with the electronic.

It was really weird and I'm fucking comfortable. It's like he doesn't like. Oh, that methods of mayhem stuff. He does. I just fights like dude. Just go fucking be you. He doesn't like it, dude. Stop trying to be a rapper. Stop trying to fight.

Oh, but that's not why he's going stuff. He doesn't like doing drum solos. He said it before. Really? Yeah, but that's why he keeps. He should only do them if it's like a showman he kind of thing. He said he hates doing them because they're stupid.

No, it's all those. Tommy Lee, yeah, when they did the cage thing, when that was new, I remember seeing him on MTV going, the drum solos are dumb. I don't see the point. I said, the only way I'm doing it is we do something cool with it, so we came up with this thing where I go up in a cage over the audience. So like, now he's got to try to outdo that fucking thing.

So yeah, now Buddy Rich didn't do that, but Buddy Rich actually was playing on a TV show and they lifted him up and they spun him completely upside down and he played and then they brought him back and they brought him down. It was very primitive compared to what Tommy's doing, but there's a YouTube video of it. I was like, holy shit. I hate people who go, everything's been done.

Everything's been done. You're like, fuck you. There's still something original and stuff like that just crushes me. You know what? You know what? I fucking learned yesterday. You mentioned Robert Kelly. When you're in the fucking car and you're pulling up to get gas and you're like, what

side is it on? Which side? Look out the window. I don't know. It's on you. And then you get gas and you're like, what side is it on? Which side? Look out the window. I don't know. It's on you and then you pull in and it's on the wrong and you get a fucking swing back around because it's on the other side. All you have to do is look at the fucking gas tank, the fuel gauge and where the little gas tank symbol is, it is an arrow on the right side of the left side.

That's new. That's never, that hasn't been in the car for a while. I always would do is whenever I have a round car, that coming and I flipped the thing to open the door and then I just look at the right side of the left side. That's new. That's never, that hasn't been in the car for a while. I always would do is whenever I have a round car, that coming and I flip the thing to open the door and then I just look at the car. You have a they don't have that a lot of times anymore. Car signs just push them. Fucking, the almond told me about it.

He said, it's had a few years. I'm telling you, that's a feature, dude. Like my mom and dad's cars, which are 10 years old, they don't have that in the car. Oh, that's an old car, Joe. Well, I'm talking about the piece of shit cars, your's an old car Joe About the piece of shit cars your parents Metal cars. Yeah, I'm saying it's a newer feature. That's a newer feature. That's a last five years kind of But that's a fucking how why did it take so long what we're talking about modern times

Yeah, we're talking about right Your family. I was stupid what I said. No, that was done. I was just been horrible Joe, what is with you? Fucking shorts. Doctor, I'm just bumming around. Is assistant coach shorts? I'm the about these to go to the gym in. So I just fucking I just I'm working out. I just I'm enjoying it. I joke I used to do on stage.

Must I do. I should do colleges just. Oh, fuck me, dude. I used to this is before I moved to New York. This is terrible. You know guys, they wear the pants, the khakis. And the thing always sticks up, the cloth, where it looks like a dick. Yeah. I would bring a guy on stage.

And I'd go, I, you know. The second you bring anybody on stage. I would go like this, I go, what's this? What's this? And I'd push it. Like it was, oh my god. That's not it. It's down what's this and I push it like it was oh my god That's not it. It's down here. Oh look. It's right there. You you would go nuts You would go nuts, but here's a thing and you know this

I'm a heck yeah, well I But I always went up with some type of head some type of personality You know when I went up I could sell some some more shit. Oh yeah, no, absolutely. Sell some more shit, you know. Yeah, well, we've been watching you do it for 20 years. Forced to be funny, because he has no personality on stage. Jesus, Joe, how do you feel about that? He really just took a swipe at you.

Well, it makes me a good writer. Yeah, it was like a dig and a compliment. Yeah, yeah, I'm not offended by that. Somebody tweeted that we should read some of the tweets that are coming in. Oh, fuck. I mean, I don't know if you don't want to. We don't have to. I'm just saying somebody tweeted it.

Well, it's going to be, I love Bill. I love Bill. I love Bill. I love Bill. I hate Bob. I love Bill. I love Bob. Joseph Dick.

Can I read you? Joe, I love Bill, I hate Bob, I love Bill, I love Bob, Joseph Dick. Can I, can I read you this? Bill's got a fucking, uh, is a fucking guaranteed to something about you being a redhead. Guaranteed. Yeah. No, they're all, they're all, they, they all just say nice things. Alright, go ahead, read him out then, baby. No, they're all just a nice, they're not funny though.

Go ahead. So, let's continue to talk. This guy's, I have, I'm actually doing the Opian Anthony program. Well, a real radio show. A real radio show. Jolly Rosa, the breakout teen Isle sensation. It's not. It's not. I say that all over the fucking country.

And there's a few people actually know the joke. But people always kind of look at me. Anytime I bring up cheat, like, who'd you do the movie with? I go, we did it with Robert Kelly and the teen Isle sensation from the OpianAnthony program. Joe DeRose and I just totally say it straight. And like, they always kind of look at me waiting for me to laugh and when I don't, they don't say anything. We did that when we were up in Montreal when Joe didn't come in that day

because he didn't do his alt shit. Right? He's not what he did. He really does. You are just a fucking all-tongue garbage. Well, you know, I like to play both sides of it. I guarantee you as 2020 vision those glasses of fake. I guarantee it. I bet if you put those glasses on, you got those as rickies. You can wear those. You know what? Commercial just came on TV. I've been waiting 10 fucking years for Albert

Brooks to do a new movie and then this is the goddamn movie he's doing Some like car chase fast and furious movie. Come on man. What is he supposed to do? I want to see you doing what he does. I like when he does funny movies. I love Albert Brooks. Oh You got the luck you had on 51st 52nd Street between 9th and 8th. No, boss, I don't live in this neighborhood. I took him to one on 14th, the last time he was here. Lucky burgers?

Yeah. Good? Where were they? You were there. You said you just went. You and me went. Remember the place was all orange and yellow. We went after that Friday.

The fries? That was only alright, dude. I'm so sick of people telling me, five guys, burgers and fries. Five guys is not good enough. guys is not greasy as shit ever Five guys kills lucky burger really kills like lucky burgers is way better from the makers of pizza hut It comes five guys. I've never been to shake check. Oh Damn shake check good shake check and they got cheese fries mother fucker with a special kind of cheese sauce What do you mean special kind of never had before?

cheese fries motherfucker with a special kind of cheese sauce What do you mean a special kind of cheese? Never had before. Never had before. I could have done a black room again. Never had before. I could have done a black room again. Never had before. Never had before.

Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before.

Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. Never had before. It was killed. I said well be delighted to tell you But the funniest thing I always missed I got damn car Put the evidence in the car One thing to eat junior husband. He's daddy. We got time for that crap

Jesus who keeps been doing all these years Jesus who Keith's been doing all these years Beauty the black beautiful tea justice. How was the midget at the beginning though? What's his name? Oh, Dude Paul Williams Paul Williams because like this goes good psychology Why don't you say something about my mother your mama so fat? Looks like a legend and out of work boom look a lot of like daddy. Oh God. We watch just Beauty justice pods in the night. It took us 20 minutes to get through the movie. What is Paul Williams, that's his name? Yeah.

Was he a singer also? Singer, a songwriter. Yeah, that's what I thought. Back in the night. And the funniest thing in Progue the Song City, right? Shit, I forget. I googled him. I YouTube the other day.

On my shoulder. Yeah, that's John Denver, is it? I think, now he wrote a bunch of those type of songs and The snowman wrote the themes. He was a songwriter too big country guy. Jerry William Jerry William or Jerry Jerry Reed the opening song which isn't It's the other one where the beginning song Where's Pam's going back to where we started? Oh, you're fucking me up. You can't I just had it good. I just had it. It's gone All right, you got the other one stuck in my head. Sorry, but oh, you're a damper damper damper damper damper

Paul Williams wrote you Paul Williams wrote we've only just begun Good song. He wrote an old fashioned love song. He wrote you and you against the world. Just an old fashioned love song. All right, let's have a game. Now you got to sing the next one. First one of losers gets kicked in the cunt. Let's go. What's has it go, go?

Wait, what did we do? No, I just sang just an old fashioned love song. So what, coming down in three part home, and what's the game? You got to name the next Andy William song, and he has Paul Williams, and he's got a sink. Get the stop sheet, stop sheet. Dude, get's got a sink. I just keep stop cheating stop cheating Dude, I can't get in the car. I'm not good at this shit. You and I don't have you got three strikes

I'm my memory fucking last two seconds. Don't panic you and me against the world Sing it, Bob. I don't know it. Come on. Just give it a try you and me Against the world Again, I don't even I couldn't tell if you good. I have no idea. No, no, give me give me the next again. Yeah, I don't even know. I couldn't tell if he was good. I have no idea. No, no, give me the next one. Oh, we already did old fashioned love song. And rainy days and Mondays.

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Oh, shit, right. You got down one, dude. All right. It's the funnest gays thing I've ever done. He also wrote Rainbow Connection from the Muppet movie. How's that called? Rainbow Connection, put it in my eyes.

Cormid, right? And then I'll... Cormid. What is it, Jerry Reed? Is that the other guy? Yeah, Jerry Reed was a huge country story. In fact, Jerry Reed is a beast. Yeah, he's a fucking...

Dude, I was in Nashville, Tennessee, and I was watching Nashville, Tennessee. One more time. Nashville, Tennessee. Hey, Roy Clark, Jerry Reed Glenn Campbell. These guys were like fucking country Eddie Van Halens the way they played they played that fucking bluegrass shit It's I would just like Roy Clark was on the odd couple. I went to bluegrass the guy who owns the Nashville the guy who runs it What's his name? What's his name? the guy who owns the national the guy runs it what's his name what's his name the guy runs the national uh... fucking comedy room there all right brine dorfine brine fucking you know sports guy hockey guy

he took us out to uh... bluegrass the fucking old country bar one night the first time i was there and it was just the hillbilly's with fucking overalls those guys red the the the the little bang bang bang bang, little fork thing in their mouth and harmonica. What's that little thing they put in their mouth and they ping it? Was that a fucking rubber band?

I don't know what I was. It was fucking incredible. I love bluegrass. Guys, those guys are insane. The level of puppets, Jerry Reed, most northern white guys just looking at him like my keys the guy from fucking smoking the band but that guy was for real he was beast of a musician that's why he was in smoking the band it that's what people you know what I mean burnt Reynolds loved all those fucking guys

that's why I put all those fuckers in it he uh the fuck was I just gonna say about I can't remember I thought that was Ron Howard. That's that fucking dickhead. I don't like this fucking intervention show. What a fucking, you know, and it's so funny too, because I had interventions done on me five or six times. I had tomorrhagal fucked themselves every time. I just walked out of the room.

When did this happen? You were like in the third grade, by 14, 15, 15. What were you on at 13? Like how did it happen? I could drink a case of beer by 14 by myself. Me and Frankie Puff back to- Bops like the male Drew Barrymore. Yeah.

Yeah. Were your parents like celebrities and you let you do Coke at nine? Were you on the cover of like People magazine? I just got hooked up with, I was getting bullied in sixth grade, bad. and then I figured out you hang out with tough kids And they don't bully you so to hang out with these kids I just had they did all the shit so I had to do what they did

He's the adapter. I know I'm the community. I didn't want to do any of it I fucking still hate alcohol hard alcohol. I said I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get why people are making it. Do you understand it? It's poison, it's fucking poison. Oh Bob, I get it just for fun. Oh no, Bob, you don't know what you're talking about. You stand down on that book. You stick with your Drake's cakes.

They're making fun of those fucking things. Oh shit. Bob, it's the feeling you're both fucking drags cakes out of your ass. One of the funniest fucking things I ever saw a guy do, it was a Jeff Cobbwell did the joke and I won't say the comedian he did it. It's my podcast, not burst. It's kind of our podcast. I like the word kind of.

No, we have the same co-look windscreen Joe, we're on the same level, it's just like military. Bob is the red one to let you know that the big steam in the house in the room. It was a Kabakus sober, and he's been sober a long time, and we all went to a bar after a show to hang out, and Jeff Colwell goes up to the bar and gets a gin and todic, and he turns and he slips it, and he looks as a guy and he goes, how, why would you give this up? It's so delicious. So I'm such a fucking dickhead thing

to do to a sober guy. Oh fuck. Bobby's a good sober guy. See, he doesn't bring it up. Although if you open the door to it, Jesus. I don't fucking. Jesus.

I fucking, I just don't get it. I don't care. I don't give a fuck that people to it. Jesus. I don't fucking. Jesus. I fucking, I just don't get it. I don't care. I don't give a fuck the people do it. I just don't get it. Don't get what? Fucking alcohol. It doesn't taste good. Oh, fuck.

It doesn't taste good. It doesn't taste good. It doesn't taste good. No, your tongue immediately goes, ugh. When you take a sip of hard alcohol, you can't drink it. You were the girl drink drunk. You used to drink like peppermint schnapps.

No, I used to drink... You drank peppermint schnapps. You've talked to him up peppermint schnapps. Try drinking peppermint schnapps straight out of the fucking bottle. One sip in half of a pint. That's the way he used to drink. I didn't fucking get a cup. I used to take the cap, throw it in the garbage, and one sip of a pint. That's the way he used to drink. I didn't fucking get a cup. I used to take the cap, throw it in the garbage,

and one sip of half pint. That's what I did. Bad ass man. I remember Sonata and D Martin, they used to get that peppermint schnapps. Frankie baby. And so cold, I used to drink so cold. I used to see,

why are that? Pusses all, pussy shit dude. Why are that was rose at the bummed lips? That sounds like a fucking musical. That's actually whiskey and wine mixed. It's too Yeah, they took the fucking yeah, they took the bite up that you guys fucking call me a pussy I was 13 drinking fucking hard I was a pussy because I wasn't drinking it in a tumbler with two ice cubes

That's a bottle of absolute around an open fire then I'll talk to you That's a pile of absolute around an open fire that I'll talk to you. Everything he listed I tried once in my teens and I thought it was it sucked. I just thought it sucked like I had a buddy mine. He used to drink that that peppermint. Snopshit was just like. Oh, it was fucking awful. It was awful. It was the reason why I drank peppermint.

But it wasn't awful because of the bite. It was awful because it was like pure cane sugar. The reason why I didn't the reason why I drank it was because it was cheaper than Jack Daniels or whiskey. While peach snops for Christ's sake. I was doing 13, I didn't have a fucking job. I was on the fucking... It's the same price I'm saying. No, I didn't fuck with peach. I'm like peach.

I'm like peach anything. What do you got picked on? Maybe you didn't drink like a girl. I didn't fucking get picked, I got picked on before I drank you a fucking dick and... I want to love the bump into you You fucking you know you can cock admit it you drink a bottle of scope once and that's all you fucking did you neither one of you guys That drink it till you were fucking legal I just said that I just want to see a dumb face. I said it Listen, I agree with you that hard alcohol. Yeah, of course you can't drink it the way you drink iced tea

But you're not supposed to do it. So the choir taste and it you don't you're not supposed to also don't get I don't get the fucking I don't get the Like you came down. I don't get any of the one of you. I've never seen him He comes you can tell when he was drunk because Joe user comes down the cellar He's hey, what's up? He's got the fucking 11 in between his eyes. It'll fucking wrinkle. Because he's, well, you know, dude, fucker, he came down to, I've never seen him, how, he like an angel, eyes wide, smiling,

waving to people, hey, what's up, man? Because he was drunk, he had a buzz going. And I just don't get that. I don't get being different. Why were you a mean drunk? Did you become even meaner? I was a violent drunk. Yeah. I was a violent drunk. I did a lot of bad shit. I did a lot of bad shit. I don't like how you look at me like I'm surprised by this behavior. But I bet you did some bad shit too when you drank. I know. I wasn't happy drunk.

Well you said that was happy drunk. No. I was dragging the woods, right? I did, I did silly shit. Dude, I, first of all, I grew up in the safe suburbs, so it's just, there was, there was nothing really to get in trouble with. You know what I mean? You'd fucking, whatever, throw a rock through a window. That was considered badass where I was.

It was no, like, dude, you were out there, like robbing stores and shit. Yeah, but I never wanted to do it though. The kids I hung with, fucking did all that shit. And they'd beat me up too. They'd fucking beat the shit out of you. But you probably deserved it. Yeah.

Yeah. Two of them. I was at the seller two years ago. I'm just about to go on and two of them showed up. My friends from when I was drinking back in the day, they two of them showed up. My friends from when I was drinking back in the day, they two of them showed up fucking hammered. And they were like, kid, their voices were all Boston's, scratchy, K, where are you, fuck it?

We saw your fucking name, you fucking load a tank, you know, fuck, and they're fucking hugging me and kids. Do you go on on fucking now? I'm like, I was like, oh my god, what the fuck? And I'm like, I'm going on right now. If you guys hang here, I'll be done in 15 minutes. And I was almost like, I didn't know if this was cool or fucking, you know, this is bad, you know?

And of course, I got off stage, they were gone. They were fucking gone. They couldn't fucking wait to go to another bar. I've never seen them since. One of the most embarrassing things ever happened to me like that was I was doing dinner theater when I first started doing comedy. What kind of dinner theater? It was called the So Prattos and very nice people and it was a I was actually a fun show to do but you know did it's dinner theater it's hammy and it's not it's not like it's gonna be right in your

wheelhouse too. But you know I do dress like I was like how's the p Yeah, yeah, I had to dress like a goomba and go do table work. Go table, table people were eating. And we did this. The other guy who doesn't like to fucking be friendly with the guy's subway. Well, I was acting. Did you get upset? Did you get upset, like where your name was

in the, uh, in the brochure? I'll tell you a hilarious story though. I think I've told you this before. Did you feel you had enough credit in that show? Uh, no, I did not, too much. Why, I walked. Yeah, yeah. But's why I walked. Yeah, yeah.

But we had a big New Year's Eve show at this huge hotel one night. And I'm doing the table work and I get to a table and I realize it's all these guys I went to high school with. And my friend Keith jumped up and he grabbed me, pulled me, said, he goes, you're fucking nuts for doing this. I fucking love it, dude. Let's get wasted. like, you know, and he thought it was cool. Thank God. It wasn't like a fun, here's the funniest story though, dude. I think I've told Bill this off air before. So one of the characters in the show was named,

they wrote this new character, because it was a comedy show called Cousin Petey and he was Tony's gay cousin that they never talked about on the TV show. Yeah. Cause he was gay. And so Pet they never talked about on the TV show. Yeah. Because he was gay. And so, Pety would be the hit of every show.

He killed everybody, it was everybody's favorite character, right? So this kid- It's- It's- It's- Followed the over-the-top gay gay. That's just always gonna kill. This kid lev- He was just like a regular dude, but he was just doing this shit like,

I have fuck it, whatever, man. You make money. So they started making him be Pety. And he he would do it and he's doing it one night and there he's at a table doing like the gay jokes and this guy keeps going hey you fucking fruit hey go get me a drink you fucking queen you fucking pansy right he's trashin like Lev goes over the guy leads down and he's here he goes hey dude I don't know if you know this or not, but this is a fucking show.

I'll beat the fucking shit outta you. Where the hell is that? Kelly comes out of the character, threatens the guy. I told you that. They report him fired immediately. Just do it all the show. What if that piece of shit establishment did it with the other guy?

Hey you fucking queer. Hey you fag like that guy, I'm sorry sir, let's take care of your entree. He's allowed to be a complete homophobic. That was the point of that comment. Well listen guys, it's almost 12, I have to get up early. Yeah, we're gonna wrap this fucking thing up.

This is the first live, you know what do podcast, Billy Burr, when is Letterman happening? Thursday. Thursday night, 11.30, but drummers out there, it ends with Dennis Chambers doing a drum solo. And Billy Burr is gonna be on Letterman and you're fucking killed. That you're third one. Sixth. Sixth?

Yeah. Are you shittin' me, dude? No. I'm an old guy. I've never done one. I've never. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done, I've, you know, don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. I've never done one.

Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife.

I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife.

I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. Please don't take that on your wife. I've never done one. Please then he just, he was like, yeah, dude, that one's good, that one's good, but, you know, blotting blew me off. And I just was like, fuck it. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's, uh, there's shows that I've tried to get on, and I never get on.

It's just, it's, it's, it's, you know, but me, but it is that I never even thought about getting on it. And then they called me. And I was like, okay, cool. And it got your hopes up. And then we shot you right the fuck down. I've never done it. I've never done it.

I've never done a legitimate set on nighttime television. Joe, do you have any live at Gotham stories you'd like to share with us? No, I got, no, like everything else I do. I did the last, literally the last episode of the last season of Premium Blend, and then they were like, we're gonna make it better. Well, I've got them next year. Oh, that's right, you did Premium Blend. I always do something that does very well.

Jesus, Joe, Joe's been around. You did Premium Blend, you're that fucking old. I did Premium Blend too. I'm like, you know, I've never done any late night. I just submitted it, and I can't, it just never works. I did call. I've done, but I'm like, you I've never done any late night. I just submitted and I can't, it just never works. And every time they call me one night for Conan at Stand Up New York. They said, listen, Conan, on this instance tonight, we'd love to have you come down, close the show, and have you, you know, Conan, people see you.

I go up waiting, waiting, waiting. The last guy goes up, as soon as he's done, everybody from Cone and gets up and leaves, as they're bringing me up. And I just, I lied on the stage, and I was just like, why? I knew, it was just like, why me, God? Why me?

Jesus Christ. And then I stood up, I go, I'm doing this set anyways. I prepared this set. I'm gonna do this four minute set right now for you. Why did they leave? And I did it and it fucking killed. It was so perfect. They just left, because they were there to see me.

They set it up, they lied to me, like they were there to see me, right? They just wanted me to close the fucking show out. Dude, I'd say Bobby had it the fucking, I don't know who you pissed off or what you did during your non-sobre years. When you first came down in New York, that kind of shit happened to you all the fuck.

Bobby fucking. That's why when my fan was shattered, I was just like, what happened? What fucking, what they do to you at this time, Bob. That's why I was never able to believe that you were sleeping on the couch and were so startled by a doorbell that you woke up into in a fluster

and my fan, dude, I'm telling you, there was no peace of the fan was left bigger than like a size of like a half dollar who shattered. It's like a fucking train hit it. That was a kill me. You sent me the fan blades and they're like within that little cage. Dude, I woke up in a fluster.

There's something fishy there. Shut up. All right. That's it. Joderos, at Joderosacomany.com, the podcast at gloriooredeo.com, Stitcher, it's on fucking iTunes, leave a subscribe, all that horse shit. You got any dates coming up, Joe? Yeah, I'm doing that.

My new album comes out on September 6th, and I'm doing a tour through the southeast of the state's September 2nd through like like the eighteen through something like that all the dates are listed in the show section of my website joderosacomity dot com and bill were you next i met the stress factory in new jersey when is that uh... this weekend oh no shit Thursday through sunday fuck yeah

uh... you haven't been around this for a while right maybe a little bit of your dude i've consistently done that club and like eleven years I love that club. And let's, I mean, let's fucking, you're doing Carnegie Hall, dude. Yeah, November 11th, I can't believe it. That's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, that's it.

You wait to see how that affects Joe's ego. He's on that show. You wait how he's on that show. Oh, you're on it. Dude, I just feel like the way you have it written, I feel like I'm opening on this show. Is there any way that I could also be on the poster? Oh God.

I guarantee he's going to want an opener for him. There is. No, I got me him in Versi. Let me do it. Let me open. Let him go up after me. See, it's just me. No.

Let me go up first. I'll open up. I'll open the show. I'll do 15. Have you ever followed the wrath of Bobby once did mother fucking you did that to me I'll never forgive you that that time when I was sick. I had a sitcom. I was I was not a sitcom I had a lead role in a half hour pilot in San Diego and I had I I mustache had a mustache. I hadn't done comedy in two months because we were filming this thing Can I tell the story Bob before you do your fucking spin on it? Yeah, Bob shooting a pilot the column up

Congratulations, you totally deserve it dude. Hope it gets picked up right I have this gig somewhere down You know San Diego area. I go down there. I'm sick as a dog My I can barely fucking talk, my throat's closing off whatever. And I say, listen man, let's hang afterwards, you know, because I was excited that he booked in and was shooting down there. So he goes, dude, I'm going to come by the club, I'll come by the club. So we show up, I can barely even talk.

He shows up with like three of his castmates, right, who are on the show. And he goes, dude, don't you have to do a little bit of time? I go, no problem, Bob, just don't go over your time and do me a favor, go easy, because I'm talking like, just go easy, because I can barely talk, right? He's like, yeah, no problem, dude, don't care if I do a little bit of time, I go, no problem, Bob, just don't go over your time and do me favor, go easy, because I'm talking like, just go easy, because I can barely talk, right? He's like, yeah, no problem, dude. He goes up there, Bobby Kelly's fucking greatest hit, hamming it up, fucking goddamn fireworks going off.

Dude, the look on your face, you was so fucking guilty when you walked off stage. You just keep, you chose, you chose those, your fucking castmates over me. I, you know what, dude? It really looking back on that. I really didn't want to, yeah, you're right. You did, you're right. But here's the one thing you're leaving out.

Fucking dis, you leveled this place. Here's the thing you're leaving out, though. The guy, I haven't going down to, the guy, I haven't gone down to the guy, I haven't gone to the guy, I haven't gone down to that place for a couple of years before that doing these gigs, whatever, it's a hundred bucks, trying to make some cash. This guy who runs it was,

knew I was on a pilot and it was the first time somebody actually treated me like, oh, Jesus Christ gets to the point. Hey, you know what, they're, yeah, we were rapping up the episode. We were up to the point. You have me on your podcast. I'm gonna be finally. I really think I'm finally, finally. I'm trying to get on your podcast forever. The Burr has come back to the podcast. Joe, thanks for being on. Thanks for coming over.

This is live. We're going to be doing this once a month. Maybe, when we feel like it would have been going live, so watch out for it. It's at gloryholdradio.com slash Robert Kelly. All the information is up there to keep listening to the podcast. And I'll go to my website, robackellylive.com.

And that's it. I'll see you fuckers later. Thanks again for listening to another episode. If you know what, dude, podcast on gloryholeradio.com. And make sure to check out all the other shows on the Glory Home Network. If you're using the Stitcher app, type in the word Fart when you register.

I tune you, just don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. If you're using the Stitcher app, type in the word FART when you register. I, Tune Uses. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. If you're a real fan of the show and you want to show your support, go to GloryholeRadio.com slash Robert Kelly and hit the Donate button. Ten dollars will get you a shout out on the air. Twenty dollars will get you my first CD, Robert Kelly Live, no en los estados. Si hay preguntas, email me en Robert Kelly, en glorihollradio.com. espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelas desde Madrid a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea.

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