Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Me and Colin Quinn

Episode Date: August 1, 2011

Robert sits down with Colin Quinn. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Colin Quinn. You listening to Robert Kelly's podcast. You know what dude on glory whole radio dot com. That was good. We're professional, huh? Do one more. Hey, this is Colin Quinn. You listen to Robert Kelly. On you know what dude is pot. Hey, this is Colin Quinn. You listening to you know what dude Robert Kelly's podcast on glory whole radio com No, don't say my name. Oh, just say you know what you podcast Hey, this is Colin. Hey this little more peppy Hey gang, this is Colin Quinn you listening to you know what dude on You listening to you know what dude on this the podcast. It's really quite pie you cock suck. I'm telling you how to fucking read fucking do this 20 fucking years. Oh fuck it's only one. Hi gang it's Colin Quinn you listening to you know

what dude on fucking glory hole whatever the fuck that is glory hold radio. I'm homo erotic fucking name a couple of assholes came up with Hey, what's up? Alright, this is an episode of You Know What Dude Podcast. It's a late, late Wednesday night, hot New York City summer night and I'm here with my original podcast friend, the great Colin Quinn. You were ahead of you at the time with the podcasts. We were. Yeah, but I mean it was your idea. I didn't know what a damn podcast was at the time. You were ahead of the game now. Everybody's trying to do one. You know, I say that and people don't believe me. They think I'm just spouting bullshit, but it's true. I know. We used to do it on my phone. I used

to call your house, record the phone call and put do it on my phone. I used to call your house, and record the phone call, and put it up on my space. Now everybody is brought to even Danny Lohbel has a podcast. Everybody has a podcast, and they're pop, Mark Marren, Joe Rogan, Billy Burr, Adam Corolla, Jay Moore, just started one. It's like number one on the charts. Greg Fitzsibon, Fitty, everybody.

Eddie if has one with Jim Jeffries. The list goes on and on. Yeah. And I did it before. It keeps deteriorating as it goes on. I at least I did it back in the day on my fucking phone. The original iPhone would call you up and use this service. And we just record it and it would go on my space. It was called Robert Kelly and sometimes Colin Clinton. And you invented my space. Not invented, but you predicted it Just so you know that Colin doesn't have mouth cancer. He's sucking on a popsicle I'm finished with a lovely popsicle. It's a hot night. There's nothing like a popsicle now

Nothing come up with many inventions trying to Recreate but nothing satisfied like a popsicle. What what are the what are the other inventions? Oh, it's afraid you ain't asking that That's a good question Frozen yogurt nope gelato. No, that's ice cream Well, I'm just saying they've come up with other things. No, and not a popsicle not a popsicle has a stick in it Oh, the stick items. well this yoga on a stick, gelato on a stick. Gelato on a stick, you fucking.

There's no gelato on a stick, you can't have it. It's gelato, all right. But anyways, we did this shit back in the day, and if we had stuck with it, or if I had stuck with it, I should say, if we kept doing it, I think we probably have hundreds of thousands of listeners right now. And it all came to an end. Yeah. One day.

I remember that day. A man called me up and said, hey big fan of you and call a Quinn man amazing and you guys are great and I see that you're on the charts. It's a dang cook and p-ditty and Madonna and then you guys you guys are like number four or five on the chart. You know that's pretty great. I'd love to pay you guys. I want to pay you guys cash. I want to give you guys some serious money to do it.

All you have to do is once a week in the studio in New York City. And we're going to do it. Are you into it? I'd be like, yeah, let me call Colin. And then I called you and I had a meeting set up for all three of us. And you got on the phone with the guy and he was in his home cooking dinner for his little kids that he probably gets on maybe a couple days a week from his divorced wife and it was just like daddy, daddy's here and he's cooking his dinner

mac and cheese and some chicken and he picked up the phone to answer it and you said hey Colin how you doing hey yeah so yeah I'm pretty excited about this I'd like to tell you what I was thinking and you said I forget what I said no excuse me no I'm all set you don't need to go into it I'm not doing it is well is there any way that I could you know, you just give me a chance to give you my pitch and now That'd be senseless pointless. I'm not doing it no matter what you say Okay, all right all right, okay, all right, bye. Bye All right, okay, all right, bye, bye. Now we're number 78 on the cross. And I got my name, the white Patrice on the heel.

Yeah, what are you gonna do? What were you gonna do is right after top, you were doing that shit after tough crowd. Yeah, tough crowds. That was a good response. Yeah, that's how hot it, it's hot. It's hot. It's hot, it's, we're both tired.

We're both in many depressions. Yeah. I put a Reese's on the table, not a regular Reese's, a Reese's bar, It's actually a big bar And I just put it there and I left it there in front of you I didn't ask if you wanted it like a raccoon And you lasted you lasted eight minutes. That was pretty good. No, just staring woman up for it still some left

But yeah, yeah, it is a hot one Get ready for Montreal next week. Oh my god. You excited Yeah, I kind of am in a way really. I like Montreal It's a beautiful town. I used to hate it. You did what I wasn't in it. Oh, yeah You know when they wouldn't pick you and I, you know, a dish the worst. It's the worst. The audition. Did you ever audition for it?

I think I did. But anyway, they didn't pick me even if I didn't know a audition for it. I still need to get picked for it. You know, like some people just get invited all the time. Right. Some people in the business seem to get invited to everything. Some people seem to get invited to nothing. I feel like people have the impression that to get invited to everything. Some people seem to get invited to nothing.

I feel like people have the impression that I get invited to everything. But I feel like the reality is I don't get invited to much. Comparable to where people would think I would get invited to things. Like Montreal. Right, Montreal. I've been invited once, you know, 20 something years,

I'm in the comedy, you know. Well, twice now. Now twice, yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, I stopped audition. I told Frosty, I was like, I don't wanna do audition for any more festivals. I don't wanna do it. It's just, I don't need to do it.

They're not gonna pick me. I don't need the, I don't need it. I just don't need to do it. I'll just go do something else. I'll just go become better as a comic. Yeah. And I'll just focus. And then I got all of them in this a comic. Yeah, I'll just focus and then I

Got all them in this like the same like once one picture the other ones picture And then now I I'm in with Montreal I did the nasty show the first time and I went back and did it again and I did that so I fucking love it I fucking love it. It's a fucking blast and they great and they treat you right Yeah, I mean, it's not... it's fucking cool. And the crowds are fucking great, you know, in Canada for some reason. There's a different vibe up there for comedy. You do a lot of gigs up in Canada. I do. I did a lot with... I did a lot with Dane and then I did a lot with Montreal Fest just for laughs. But it was... I did a lot with Dane and then I did a lot with Montreal fast, just for laughs. But I did that tour across Canada last year.

It was fucking great. It was awesome. Yeah. And the crowds are fucking great. Yeah, they all great. I mean, I only did Toronto. I love Toronto. I love doing gigs there.

Toronto? Yeah. Why? I don't know, I just like the crowds Will you laugh in it? Oh, it's just usually I Don't know what what the fuck are you laughing? I'm just laughing that you're a little monotone You're a little monotone tonight. What am I usually mr. Enthusiasm? Like, hey, the crowds are sensational. And what am I know for my fucking, this is my, effervescent to my ebuleans?

Say ebuleans again. Ebuleans. No, I don't know what that fucking means. Say it again. What the hell is your problem? I'm fucking throwing one of my dogs at ya. Don't fucking use a blue, blue liens. You know I don't fucking,

I don't like those stupid words. They're that stupid words. They're that stupid words They're they're fucking they descriptive words. I'm necessary words. How's that? Unnecessary will you can say unnecessary is a word? I know unnecessary. I'm necessary is a word You say it's unnecessary word. I think that's not what you said Gary Goldman just told me tonight you use the word Some word that the whole wasn't I Care remember when you met him where you like it's uh I might use the word somewhere that the hell wasn't. I care about my mom. When you met him, what you would like, it's a fuck.

I care about my mom, that was good. All right, go on. Let's get back to business. Well, I'm just saying, well, you're up there, you're up there doing the festival, you're doing your show. Right. Collins, one man show. Yeah.

Which is called Loan Story Short. But it's, yeah, but it's yeah Then it's I'm doing that for two nights at some theater. Will you say the grand height? We don't say what we're staying no, you don't say we What's this store kiss? Well, I mean you don't want to give out the fucking hotel you staying at In case it's serial killers listen to the podcast while we don't have stalkers comics don't have stalkers Yeah, but I bet there's a lot of if I was a killer If I was a psycho I listen to podcasts and Your man yours close to fucking Syria killers as you can get without the bodies this biggest psycho's in us. Oh

Darrell Hammond Yeah, he's he doesn't have the rage to back it up Yeah, if he's he doesn't have the rage to back it up. No, he doesn't. He doesn't have the rage. He has if we had his brain and he had our rage if you put those together you get a serial killer. Oh, yeah, but he's he's not crazy. And he's not like he's yeah, like he's more like turns on himself. I can't see him holding up an ability and killing all this. Now he'd not. We turn on ourselves but you know we'd like to turn on others. Yeah I have. I you know what's funny is I just watched a movie called I think it was called the end. There's two movies called I actually watch two movies on

Netflix called the end one with Bert Reynolds. Burr Reynolds I know that one which is fucking funny. Bert Reynolds has the best laugh in the business. Yeah, he does. The fucking best laugh in the business. And Dom Delewee, again, I talk about him a lot on the fucking podcast.

That scene when he's the mental patient, when he comes in, when Bert wakes up in the insanity asylum, and he'll remember it. He's sitting next to him. It's fucking hilarious. He is. Oh, they were great to go comic fucking jeans. They were great He's awesome, but there's another movie called the end about the London mob guys the south end the cray brothers and all those guys. No, not those guys a bunch of other guys

And it's it's just this daughter of one of the guys interviews all these guys. Oh, it's a real documentary. Documentary. And they see that. It's fucking great. It's called the end. It's on Netflix.

It's fucking crazy. These guys, and these guys talk about, they all have a list. Like if I get cancer, I'm taking everybody. Oh, and one of the guys even says it, it goes, I get cancer, there's a few people that come and with me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. They're coming.

They're coming with me. I'm going, I'm just gonna whack them out. I don't give a shit. They're fucking dying. Yeah, I can, I can see, I can understand it. You know what I mean? I can understand. I don't think I would do that, but you never know. I'm not as angry as I was five, six years ago. For some reason, it went away. I think because I'm happier in my life. Yeah. I think once I got happier in my relationship with my wife. Yeah. I think once I got happier in my relationship with my wife, yeah, and it may sound as gay as it sounds,

when you actually fall in love with somebody or you let yourself, you know, when you see it. But it'd be loved. Yeah, there's something that you're ang, you're trust in your fucking rage, kinda goes away a little bit. Yeah. But, I mean, it's still there.

I still, yeah, I'm still a psychopath. Yeah. I walk down the street and I play out scenarios in my head all the time. Yeah me too. Like I have fan, I do these little fantasies. Me too. Yeah. I mean, and I play them out in full.

Yeah. Very quick, very fast. They're, you know, seconds long, but I, from the beginning to end, I have these fantasies where I fucking, you know, I fucking grab somebody, throw them to the ground and punch them in the fucking face and don't you fucking do that. If I'm walking with my wife, I'm not really enjoying the walk as much as she is because if we're out late in New York City, what if this guy, who's that guy? Who's this motherfucker? If this guy, you know, if these people say something,

I'm ready to fucking attack somebody at all, all the time. But that's normal. I mean, that's logical. It's logical. Late at night in New York City. If you were a Navy SEAL. It would be logical. I'm saying late at night in New York City,

it's still a, it's not a bad way to be on point There's nothing more annoying if you're the girlfriend, right your wife and I doubt Dawn does this but like sometimes I'd be out with girlfriend wife, you know over the years Yeah, and then suddenly you're walking down the street You see some shady passage you realize you're probably gonna have to or like you said you're thinking ahead Oh, so I'm just gonna have to happen or like you said, you're thinking ahead, oh, something's gonna have to happen. And suddenly the girlfriend of wife starts like holding you to where you like, listen, get off me. I'm gonna have to fight in a minute.

You're holding me where these guys, I have a package in one hand, I got you. And it's like, we're not on a meander through the fucking, you know, some beach, you know, it's like, you see where we always, you see what's going on behind me? Let me go so I can defend you and myself right now But here's a thing is if you said that to her She'd be like you're crazy, right? We're fine, right stop and she's

99% of the time she's probably right, but that 1% 1% you want to be ready and these guys look and they see if you're ready too Yeah, I mean every time my wife goes out and walks the dogs I have little fantasies I that I and they're specific like the guy What happens right here my name and then I know what I'm gonna grab on the way out the fuck course You always know where you were and I know what I'm gonna do when I get out there I'm gonna fucking hey what's going on? I'm gonna be nice Like hey, dude, why don't you let that's my wife and I'm gonna try to get it close and then I'm gonna fucking bash the fuck away You know what all your weapons are at all times, you know, yeah, I know where they are

Just like me even the slingshot you gave me one of my favorite weapons I'm always playing with that. Well, that's from fucking a thousand years ago. I don't know if that's the best option No, but I love the slingshot and and that knife, you know, I have all my knives and Hatchets and bats when I was a kid I told you about that one time we were sitting there or sitting in my window. I look out guys robbing a car my block I just seem to work over punch out a window of a boat of a station wagon this guy Lenny that lived across the street Just you know, I didn't know him well. I got him, my friends, oh shit. You roll in there getting high, 17.

I go out there with my hatchet. I bust down the block. This guy sees me, he sees the door open, I guess he's watcha. He starts tailing, he knows we're up to some, my friends are behind me. I shoe-string catch him. Shoes-string. He goes falling down.

Catch him. A couple of guys grab him. He's got this giant long butcher knife on him. Jesus. And Lenny comes out. Here's the worst part of the story. Lenny comes over the next day to all our friends, we had our leader, and he goes to the leader

of our friends, hey man, thank you. Doesn't even thank me. I'm no one that made the Schuster and Crab. You're not the leader. I'm not the leader. And then the saddest part was about July 4th. I went back to Brooklyn. My friend was having a party. Everyone's telling the story and they're going, remember that time when that guy was robbing the car and they mentioned another guy and Jimmy caught him And they go I mean everybody's like yeah, they all start going over the story and I'm sitting they're going no no I caught him I caught him and I could tell nobody really they're just looking like this asshole His bed and I've his in comedy aren't you successful enough? You have to take credit for Jimmy's catch

I'm like no my catch and I'm the one that spotted. Because it was out my window, I remember it like, we're just. Why, why, why, why did you have a hatchet? But then another time I'm running off the block with my hatchet. Why do you have a hatchet? I'm saying you always have weapons, so I had to, I forget where the hatchet came from. I've never had a hatchet. You know, it was like some little, I forget where it came from, but I had a hatchet and I used to sit in my window and I stayed up all night then.

That's why I became a comedian too. I was a had that subject. You know, it was like some little, I forget where he came from, but I had a hatchet, and I used to sit in my window, and I stayed up all night then. That's why I became a comedian too. I was a late night guy, and I'd sit there in my window in my underwear and hot days, you know, nobody used AC in those days, right? It was just, I had a fan.

Sit there in the tight, yeah. Sit there in the tidy whiteies. Another time, I saw another guy breaking the house, I go running out with the hatchet again, run up the corner, the cops pull up. I go, he went that way. I'm sitting there with the tidy whiteies in the hatchet again, run up the corner, the cops pull up. I go, he went that way. I'm sitting there with a tidy white isn't a hatchet. Of course, they immediately grabbed me, thrown me on the ground, so I covered me.

I'm like, no. Do you understand, though, that how hard it would to use a hatchet on somebody? Do you understand? Do you understand how hard it is to hit somebody with a hatchet? I think it's easier to hit somebody in the head with a hatchet. I mean, as far as you show me, the mental or the physical difficulty? The mental, the mental difficulty to swing a hatchet

and hit somebody's head with it. Okay, like, okay, hit somebody with a stick or a bat, not that hard. You swing it, it's like basically extension of your arm. Shoot somebody would be easier. Stabbing somebody is harder than actually shooting somebody. Right. Because you actually have to push stick it in them. Yes.

And that cycle logically. And then then hatchet is beyond that. Because a hatchet, unless you have a fucking Indian blood in you, to hit somebody with a hatchet, unless you have fucking Indian blood in you, to hit somebody with a hatchet, dude, is fucking crazy. That's crazy. I think stabbing somebody is crazier than a hatchet. Are you fucking a hatchet is stabbing?

Is that a hatchet? A hatchet? Stabbing them with a bat. It's a stabbing somebody with a bat. Okay, it's way harder. Because when you hit somebody with a bat. It's a stabbing somebody with a bat. It's way harder. When you hit somebody with a hatchet, the wound that you're going to cause is, and you're going to have to pull it out. I mean, Jesus speaking of great weapons and pulling it out, we're about to have Ghani knife I got. Hood's wife now was Afghani. So a father was like an ambassador to Afghanistan

Right so powerful that three weeks after 9-11 she comes back on a plane with this giant like boat Afghani bowie knife For me, you know, I mean she's got a for me and it says old school knife, but the way the Afghani's fight You don't just stick it in them. It's got a jagged edge on the bottom parts and when you pull it out it catches So not only you stay up. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's just the most brutal thing It's just goes to show like all the modern weaponry and you know These guys are warriors in a way and they're wrong way, you know, I mean like even though they're like low tech It's scary must be scary for our troops over there. I remember hearing about Russia years ago, about the Russian troops and how they would,

they never wanted to be quite alive because the Afghans just had all these primitive torture things, they'd skin them alive, they'd put ants on them and they'd put all kinds of shit on them and just, you know what I mean? Sautomize them and then just slowly rip out their insides and it's not all that bad then. What was that?

They rip their insides out. They were not all that bad then. Was I killed? They were insides that. A little sex. But I'm just saying, they never wanted to get caught. The number one of the demoralizing things about fighting the Afghanis apparently was that a lot of the soldiers were like, it's too brutal.

These guys loved live to fight. I think if I was brought up in a different, if I was brought up in wartime, where I had to be drafted or something, you know, because but any war that I was right after the Vietnam, I was, you know, too old to go to fucking Iraq the first one and the second one. But if I was brought up in war where I had to go drafted, I would have went into the fucking, I would have went right into the Marines.

I would have wanted to try to be special, I would have went over and just fucking kill people. I think I have that in my head. Yeah. Like where I could go over there and just shoot motherfuckers. You definitely would have. I think I would have been. Stop. No, you would have been air force. Airfall. God, you wouldn't have fit in the jumpsuit first of all All right It doesn't know why you would have been air force have you seen how small the jet plane seats are and only in trepid They're all very slender boys the air force dude I went over to the intrepid the other day with my nephew and and you can't I Would have never been able to be the pilot they would have to make a different plane

They really are small small people man those little jet fighters You can't, I would have never been able to be a pilot. They would have to make a different plan. They really are small. Small people, man. Those little jet fighters. They're like movie actors. They have a big movie star. It's a delicate bone like Tom Cruise. Like they're really delicate.

Small guys. Small bone people. Small bone, I think that, I wonder if that's why I haven't made it. Because you're small bone enough? I'm just not petite enough. Everybody that I know that is famous, they're petite. Guys, I love that show justified on FX. I'm missing Timothy O'Leary. All around. All the fun. All the fun. Yeah. Thin little dude. On TV, he looks shredded. Big guy. Right. They do seem more shredded on TV

You know, but then if I'm me on TV I Maybe I'm too big What about the time we went to speaking of flying we went to Iraq and then we're in the plane And they told us this is what'll happen if you get shot at and then it happened where all those alarms go off And I'm sitting there with Steve burn. Yeah. And I turn around and look at him, I go, Steve and he thought, you know, we were getting attacked, we're going to die.

All the things came down, remember all the alarms. Yeah. I go, Steve, I'm looking right in the eye. We're in the head, so I say, at least I made it with you. We'll never know. I used that that. And he just looked at me like this. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

He's got about in the back of the plane because I didn't get picked to go to the front because that's the story of my life Because Tracy picked Steve just Steve burns as a hugger and he's a nice guy and I'm apparently too my energy was just too fucking shitty. I think you pick for anything on that fucking trip Steve Colin you she didn't want to pick you either, don't laugh. Hey! If you weren't fowls the leader. You were the leader, but if she could have told you to go fight, she would have just picked Steve.

Of course, Steve's the pluses brothers over there, right? Well, Steve has the ability to be normal. And he's a hugger, like you said. Yeah, he's a normal guy. He's like, hi, how are you? Hey, what's up? I don't have that ability. I'll tell you one thing Yeah, he's a he's a normal guy. Hi. How are you? Hey? What's up? I don't have that ability to tell you one thing. He Steve gave me a beautiful picture It's still up in my apartment today of me from the back performing front of all these troops outdoor at night

I took that fucking phone out you fucking piece of shit You just told that fucking hatchet story and it still bugs you and then you fucking rework it into me I took that fucking hatchet story, and it still bugs you, and then you fucking rework it into me. I took that fucking picture. He took the picture with Steve Sanitom, and I was like, but three months later I go, yeah, that's great picture. Remember, because I didn't know. And he goes, I go, it's great picture, you know, Steve.

He goes, I took that fucking picture. He took it, but I thought it was from Steve to Steve Sanitom, remember? Yeah, because Steve's a, oh, again. I'm in the back of the plane, sitting next to a bunch of Marines, because I'm in the, you know, I don't get to go up front. I hate when I'm out somewhere and something like that too, when I try to change the core of who I am,

just to have people like me. That's one of those trips where I tried to change who I am, just to have people like me. That's one of those trips where I tried to change who I was. I tried to be smile more or be more friendly or open up because I just wanted to be treated better. And it still doesn't work. No, it still, but I was in the back and the flares. What happens is you're in the C-130

and the flares start shooting off. We were landing in Fallujah to pick out ammunition and other comics that were doing some other tour and the flares went off. And I actually was like, oh man, that's beautiful to the guy next to me. I was like, that's beautiful, man. Look at the sun. And he leaned over, he goes, that's not the sun. Someone just said a rocket at the plane. Ah! Ah! Ah! I literally leaned over to him, I go, hey, could you show some fucking emotion if we're gonna fucking get over?

I was so angry, like, you, really, you're that fucking calm? Oh. I was like, dude, if I'm fucking dying, I want to know about it. I flip out on a fucking rollercoaster, never mind going down on a plane in Fallujah. I'm fucking dying. Yeah, I want to I want to know about it. I flip out on a fucking rollercoaster. Never mind going down on a plane in Fallujah. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to ask for forgiveness.

I want to fucking do my thing before I die. I'm not going down on a fucking soldier. Oh, it's so funny. Yeah, that was a good time. But that was how long ago was that? Seven years ago. Yeah. Longer. Yeah, maybe eight. Maybe seven and a half eight.

It's crazy, huh? It's kind of it's fucked up. I mean, tough crowd, man. I was fucking the shit. Yeah. It's two boys. It blocks away from your house. Yeah. Yeah, blocks away from my house. Yeah. It was a fucking four five four days a week. Yeah. Yeah. Was the shit. It was it was one of those things that definitely was, you know, they definitely have done nothing like that. Well, they've tried. I mean, Byron Allen picked it up it up after yeah tried to do his thing that's still running right Chelsea Handler pretty much does the same shit. Yeah That's tough crowd if you ask me right so that's tough crowd. I mean it's it's not as can we erase the part where I said they

They've did nothing like that before then well we can erase that part and then the part about the popsicles. Yeah, you can do that the and then the part about the popsicles. Yeah. You can do that. Yeah. But it's, and they never put it on fucking DVD either. I know. Is that buggy? Yeah.

It does bug me. Do you think it's because it would cost too much money to put that many episodes on it? You can't really do something like that. It's not like it was a once a week show. Right. There was four days a week for two years. Um, that'd be a lot of fun.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's, they'd be a lot of fun in the results. They could have put the best of on the DVD. Maybe, right? I mean, it's too late now, and nobody even buys fucking DVDs, but what you could put it on iTunes. Have you ever even tried to talk to them about it? Yeah, my agent manager at the time tried to talk to them about it. But they were like, oh, we just don't do like this. You would said they like oh, we don't do daily shows like that or we don't put them out like that, you know

What about now? What about trying to do it now? Yeah, maybe I fucking anniversary or something right? Because that fucking I mean if you look at that show the reason why that show was so fucking brilliant It's because yeah, you were the fuck, it was your show. Yeah. But, you know, at any point, anybody could kind of take over and go at it and do what they want and do what they want. Yeah. It wasn't like, you know, Chelsea Handler where it's like, she's the queen fucking bee and everybody else is just trying to get their jokes in. Right. You know, I took a lot of unnecessary, unwanted abuse on that show. I'd be in the middle of the show trying to be the host and then people like making

in front of my legs, calling me cancestic legs, deer legs, telling me to shut up. Yeah. You know, but that was part of the show, I'm like you said. Part of the show was people would try to, when anybody go on there and try to be like, I'm going to win over the crowd, everybody would just turn on them. Because we know all the tricks, his way of competing still. How about the time I had notes and Patrice grabbed them and threw them away? Because every people had notes. Yeah. You'd write jokes for the show. Yeah. Except for certain people like Patrice.

Patrice. He would just go on. And he grabbed it. Well, go on and on. I mean, this guy was, he literally would hold the floor like, you know, like a fucking filibustering center in the 1890s and shit. He's just up there. He wouldn't shut up. Yeah. I mean, a lot of people really had a problem with that.

Really? Yeah. What, like, behind the scenes? Yeah. A lot of comedians are like, what the fuck man? I was like, I, but you know, you can't help, but you know how Patrice is. Patrice is one of those guys, you know,

when he gets to you, you just can't help it, you know what I mean? There's really no, he's, there's no reason to love him because he'll just fucking turn on you. But you can't help it. If you love Patrice, you just love him. Yeah'll just fucking turn on you but you can't help it if you love Patrice you just love him yeah just I love you know he's one of those guys and his fans in the same way it's like you'll sit there and listen to bullshipping and at the end of it he comes up with some twist you know like Jesus Christ that was well worth the trip yeah but the problem with Patrice was he thought it was his show, but it was my show, really.

Well, I mean, sometimes I'd be on there and I felt like we were the guests and he was the host. You know what I'm saying? I waited too long to eat my popsicle and melted. And melted? Yeah. Yeah, so I feel like, you know, like sometimes I'd literally be sitting there

and I'd feel like that was the center. Right. And I was one of the guests. I mean, I would literally feel that way. That's part of his charm. Was there any show? Let me answer this question. Was there any show that you fucking hated? Of that show? Yeah. I don't remember. I mean, I'm sure this plenty is no show that you remember that Just this fuck I'm sure they were plenty. I just can't remember any of hand I remember feeling sick to my stomach a lot, you know really? Well, just cuz you know, I felt like there was pressure from that, you know

I just felt like at the beginning. I felt like this is gonna be Everything I wanted to be spontaneous honest, you know, just get more and more honest and more and more spontaneous. And then somewhere I felt like, and I can't just blame it on the network, but I blame them partially. But I also say, I lost, you know, the sense, even though I enjoyed it, I lost the sense of, you know, like that, you know, I lost my focus on certain areas of it you know what I mean but I mean it was still I still loved it but I mean towards the end it just started to get a little it got a little out of control you know what I mean but it was still it was still a unique thing and it could have really gone places you know but why let me why did it fucking end why did it fucking get taken off?

Well, I mean, they took it off because they felt like they said it was the ratings and maybe it was, but I mean, it was also like, they didn't like the direction it was getting. You know what I feel like, my whole thing is, I feel like they were getting a lot of people saying, that show is racist. Not fans, not average people.

People come over to me all this time in the street, black people, white people, anybody, Puerto Ricans, Asian, oh I love that show, it's like me and my friends is the way people really talk. But I feel like the industry, whatever that means, was kind of like, that show is very mean-spirited, that shows a lot of racial, it shows awfully, you know what I mean? I feel like it offended sensibilities, you know, that of a lot of people in that would get, that had the ear of Comedy Central. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And I feel like that's what happened. So how did it end? What was the day it ended? It was right, I don't know the day, but I know it was right. It was this like November 1st, it was November 1st or, November 1st, I think, seven years ago, this November will be seven years. Seven years, there's a long time.

What they just call you into a room. No, they call me like a couple of months before that and they were like, we had this big meeting and they're like, well, you know, talking about a little stuff, the racial stuff is really, you know, that's Dave Chappelle covers all racial stuff. I go, what?

I said, you can't have two people covering racial stuff. That's interesting, you know, that's Dave Chappelle covers your racial stuff. I go, what? I said, you can't have two people covering racial stuff. That's interesting. You know, and they go, and they go, you took our politics, a lot. We have John Stuart covering politics. I was like, what do you want us to talk about? They go, we like it to be more like, you know, topics like celebrity topics. I go, really, you want me to stand on stage with Nick DeParle and Patrice O'Neill staring at me and go, hey fellas, what do you think about this Paris Hilton thing that's going on? I said, they have tear me apart. I won't even make it to the second question. So I feel like they wanted to be pop culture.

They say they did, but I just think they want us to avoid the brutal discussions that we were having about race, you know, the brutal honesty of that. And then, I believe you were on the one show, there was one episode. First of all, the fact that they would never let the black comedians use the N word on our show, they used it, but then they'd bleep them. Well, that's a poll show that would say it's 70 times.

Well, that's a famous story. Patrice talks about where he had talked about the DC sniper. And he's like, you know, it's a serial killer and all the news. It's like it's a white guy and a white male. Right. Mid to, you know, late 30s and, right. And, you know, because serial, and then he goes, ah, and then it was just a nigger and a Buick.

A hilarious. And they beep nigger and let them, and they know they beep Buick, but they let them say nigger on your show. On my show? Yeah. Well, maybe is that one episode? We had one episode where we said, they didn't want to say Buick, was the fight.

That's funny. He was like, I can't say Buick, but you're gonna let me say nigger? But that goes against my whole point. My whole point is that they wouldn't even like, that's true. But what happened was, you were on the episode, I believe, where we said, look,

you know, I said, you guys can't have, shepel show they say negative 70 times in show or show the black comedians are bleep from saying it Yeah, that's that's weird right because we're a white show or something. We're on two hours later Right, that's when you get more time you're more permissive at that hour, right? You're bleeping the black comedians Yeah, and that's weird But anyway, you know once again these decisions get made of these ultra-sensitive people who are worried, you know, defending people that don't need their defense. We don't want it, you know. But anyway, so then one episode I go, they go, okay, fine. This episode, because the episode was about the word nigger. That was what the episode was about.

So I said, you can't bleep us this episode. And then the sensor goes to me, look, okay, you know, when I can bleep you this time for this episode, but try to keep, tell people to keep it, you know, try not to, you know, abuse it. I go, okay, fine. I go on with this in mind. I told all you back, you on this episode. I remember, okay. When I tell you, I told everybody, you know, just try to keep it reasonable. They're letting us say it guys. Like I was actually innocently, once again, every episode I was foolish enough to think that you assholes were listening to a word. I said, I go, this is actually good. So let's try to keep it you Patrice. I forget who else

probably to follow. Somebody, I mean, when I say every other one, even out by the end of the show, I was like, everybody said it, it had to be like a thousand. I mean, it had to be a couple of hundred times. Really? It was unbelievable. It was like a god. It was unbelievable. It was like little Wayne combined with fucking Jay Z. It was like the hip hop summit. It was unbelievable it was hip-hop summit means Klan Rally and I'm sitting there the whole time I'm going and right at the end and you went on a run with it, too I remember I saw remember you went on a run and I was just sitting there going and Then afterwards the sensor comes up to me. Well, I so I said I swear to God. I told him But that was the beauty of tough crowd like even you know, I would try to be in charge

You know, it was just be in charge, you know It was just be out of control because people just even give a shit because everybody's being honest and spontaneous Which is where everybody claims they won on TV and you can't you know you can't you can't You can't they don't really want that no they want fake spontaneity and fake honesty Well, yeah, I mean I just had to write out my act for Montreal. I had to write out word for word and... In French. Yeah, right.

It's in its socks. You're sitting there going, what is this? This isn't what I fucking signed on for. And then, you know, even if you want to do Letterman, you're going to have fucking Eddie Brill fall you around. Try it. And say, don't say it. That's right. And say don't say that. Try it. And it's like, what the fuck is this?

I mean, am I funny? Do I do want me on the show? Speaking of which, tell me that's a side track for a second. Tell my favorite story about you trying to write your act out to go to India. Before anybody's, this is before anybody's really even doing Europe that much. Yeah. And him and Keith Robinson Guy comes and sees you guys right when someone in the economics. Well, no Matt Frost sold the gig He got us to Amsterdam

The whole gig starts out with Amsterdam and I'm sitting in a room At this agency that I just signed with and who's the white comic that talks about hot pockets Hot pockets. Yeah just signed with and who's the white comic that talks about hot pockets? Hot pockets. Yeah. White guy really white guy. Kind of whisper is that? Brian, are you? No, wider than that. I know you're thinking of

the fuck. He's really big. He's done a lot of shit. What's his name? Anyways, we're in the room with him. And then I tell him, hey, I'm going to Amsterdam. He immediately calls Frosty. He tries to get me, he's flipping out of Frosty because he's not on the gig. And he tries to get me bumped off this gig. Okay. So then Frosty calls me, dude, you got to keep your mouth shut. You know, you're going to stop. I'm working on this gig and I'm working on this thing in India. I got this thing where you're going to. I'm working on this gig and I'm working on this thing in India. I got this thing where you're gonna go right from Amsterdam,

you and Keith Robinson, you're gonna go to India for a month. It's thousands of dollars. You're gonna be in five-star hotels. Kyle Seas. No, go ahead. Older than that. And it's amazing. You're gonna go all over India, but it's gonna be, it's, he goes, it's great.

The money's great. You're gonna, and over there you're gonna be a millionaire because a dollar American at the time was like 10 years ago. And nobody is done coming in here at that time. Nobody. No Americans really. Yeah, so anyways, we were in Amsterdam, being Keith, and we're fucking, you know, doing these gigs and the lady, the lady calls Matt and says,

we need them to just write their acts out. 10 minute acts, 10, 15 minutes. Write out the jokes you're gonna do, word for word, because they're censor police in India, that will be at the shows. And if you say anything against the government or the God or whatever they stop the show you get arrested it's that's it everybody gets in trouble yeah so we just had to write out our acts

so i'm in my room i'm walking out i come out Keith comes out with his i go dude i'm we get to write out these acts man we're gonna get the shit done today. It has to be in today. He comes out and he goes, I did it, I got it. He's got a wrinkled up piece of notebook paper written in pencil with the edges still on where he ripped it out of the notebook. That's what he's going to send in the mat. He's going to fax it in. I go, dude, you got to type it out. I can't do this. And this is just one internet. I go, I'm going to an internet cafe, which he didn't know even existed. And I go, I bring him with me, pay the money. We sit him down at a fucking typewriter with one index finger. He's typing out his whole act. One, not two.

Didn't even, wasn't even smart enough to use both index fingers. Used one with his glasses, looking down at the keyboard, fucking getting frustrated. Needless to say, we didn't get the fucking shit in. He didn't get his dumb stuff in. It wasn't correct.

Canceled. Done. How am I supposed to be when I had tough crowd? I had Keith and Norton writing on the show at the beginning just for the pilot right? Keith, Norton Sharad how did that fucking happen? And You really hooked me up to by the way you really tried to set you like sending a writing you made me do writing submission after writing submission There were good ones.

And while they were all right, I mean, you could tell me honestly now that sucked. No, I think they were good. Something happened. But anyway, I wanna get into that after. All right, I would walk into the office, Norton and Keith sitting there, literally like, these are guys young comics,

not that old, you know, and they looked like MTA employees in their late 50s. They'd both be taking naps, their feet would be up. They'd be like, you know, just point on the computer. And, you know, it was just the beginning of like the point on the computer. And just, and I was just looking to be like, how could you do this to me? I what I mean, it was just unbelievable. It was, they just said, you said, you wanted me to be able because she's charade and all of them just submitting ideas like on paper instead of like typed.

You know, this guy said, maybe not have their ability, some young nerdy right there. Not as funny, but they're typing shit out. They hand their work working old hours rewrite These guys typical only comedians. This is what I love and hate about comedians is that they just handed the idea like yeah Man make something out of it. We all know it's gonna be funny. I thought of it And it's reading me like I want to go guys, but I'm a comedian too. I'm an arrogant asshole just like you. Don't hand me this paper like I'm gonna go, oh my God.

Yes. That's all you always say to the trees and kids. I go stop acting like I'm your white manager. I'm a comedian too. I have an attitude problem too. I don't know if you noticed. But yet when you guys get around me, you hand me shit. Like why don't you take care?

Like you're just always trying to get us to go on tour them and not not into we want to do a tour I go great so do why. So set it up I go no I'm not a booker I'm just like you I'm a comedian I'll be on the tour. Just like set it up fuck you set it up fuck you set it up how's that. I mean everyone on tour. I have and you did a little couple of them. Did we? They did. They did, yeah. They did.

But it's like, once again, you're trying to set... Like, they wanted me to do all this other shit, like, just because suddenly I'm the grown-up, because it's my show, fuck you. Well, here's the thing. I don't have my shit together. I'm proving that now, but at the time, everybody thought I did.

Well, you did. You did have your shit together, dude. You fucking... You fucking wrote your own monologue monologue everything I could do that Yeah, that's crazy. I Mean you didn't have any help. No enough of the monologue I don't understand that why would I do that? I'll tell you why he's how diluted I was This is how fucking diluted I was I was like well I know Dennis Milley used to write his own monologue when he had that

show, right? And then when he put out the books, I heard he had problems where some comedian, some of those writers were like, hey, we wrote most of these jokes. Right. So I was like, I'm going to give these guys a break. I'll write my own monologues. So when I put out my books, we all know how they've turned out. There won't be any legal problems.

Nobody have to worry because I wrote my own monologues. So you were looking ahead. I knew you were looking at a little too far ahead. A little too far ahead. What if, I mean, tough crowd though, if that was a hit, if that was a money maker, if that was a fucking one of the big ones, I mean, like the Daily Show is, or like, Shepal could have been. That would have been a fucking one of the big ones. I mean like the Daily Show is or like Shepal could have been right that would have been a fucking game changer for you. I mean

you would have been set for life. Cha totally. Does that fuck with you? It didn't until you phrased it that way just now. Before that I was fucking resigned to it but you like it that was it. I was like shit, shit, shit. But yeah, I never thought about it, of course I have. I've also thought, but I also thought like creatively of the evolution, like I used to think of all these ideas

to film people like all the comedians at the beginning and keep filming them, and then over the years go back and see what you were like and see what you were fucking talking about, you know, just backstage and shit. And I just had all these creative ideas for the show that was kind of, you know, like I had a bunch of ideas, but it just, when I got pulled, I was like shit, man. And you know, all these years, I mean, it's almost seven years,

but you know, all these years, I was like, you know, it takes a long time for the shit to sink in with me, you know? Because my career was such that I'd always come back after a couple of years. And even this time, I'm sure you and everybody else was like, well that I'd always come back after a couple of years. And even this time, I'm sure you and everybody else was like, well, probably come back with something else. I'm always writing. I was in pitch meetings.

But the fact I haven't come back in seven years. And it's like, you know what I mean? It's like strange to me. And that, you know, like I wanted to have all the shows then. The variations on Tough Crowd or whatever. You know, there's one thing that fucking surprised me is that he just didn't bring it somewhere else or a variation of something else to HBO or Showtime

where... Well, I told you a genius, Jim Norton, right when the end of the show, he hopefully goes to me. You should try to think if you can bring this to HBO or FX or something. Did you ever think of that? And I was like, no, Jim, I never thought of bringing it to another network. How fucking brilliant. But of course I tried, you know what I mean?

But don't want to. Nobody wanted to. That's the question. There's many, you know, theories on why, but well, here's you've been writing for the last fucking seven years after Tough Crowd. You know, and movie scripts and TV shows. But not comedy shows like Tough Crowd or something like that. You're right. Right. Right. You couldn't write Tough Crowd anyway. Right. And then you were writing your one-man show for the last couple of years. Well, actually longer than that, because you started in your stand-up. Right. And then you formed it into a one-man show.

I remember you first I did my other one, and show was Do-and-So-a, the Economy Show. Oh, that was a different show totally different show. Right doing yeah Don doesn't talk on the podcast. Sorry doing The last trends in voters as the 10th of December 29 with 99 Daishman much for and It's alright. It's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. to do with that show. Alright, which show was not what show was better, but which show did you like better? Yeah, which one did you like better? I like the intimacy of the first show that I saw. Right. I thought it was really entertaining, but the second show, I mean you have the whole screen behind you and I felt like it was a history lesson for me and learned a lot more in that show than history class. But what about the first show? It was all like economics. It was like, it was economics.

Wasn't it sad? It was cool. Did you think it was sad? It was supposed to be funny, but it was sad. Oh, it's economics. How funny can you make fucking... But it wasn't like economics. It wasn't like a lesson, right?

It was more like just how we've gone from being workers like from when we came over. All right. Now she's in the podcast. Okay, we get it. We get it. Thanks, Dawn. Okay. Okay.

It's like watching raging bullies and okay. Funny. Don't let them influence you. You want a hamburger? You get a hamburger. We give, I'll give you a burger. Get a handburger. Boy, you actually helped me, right? You really tried to get me to be a writer on the show.

That's right. You pushed and pushed and pushed me. Yeah, to write this, write that. You have me read out jokes, you know, sketches after sketch, I wrote a hundred sketches. I remember that and I handed them in and I never heard anything back but here's the funny thing.

You never heard anything back? Here's what's funny about that is I saw actually some of my ideas on the show. What? Not joking. You trying to say they were stolen? I'm not saying they were stolen and I'm not saying they were the exact idea, but there were similar ideas that would pop up on the show that I submitted, because I submitted, I don't know, let's say 50, to be realistic, 50 sketch ideas, which you kept telling me

to do. And then actually, yes, a couple of them actually, I was like, dude, I, and that's could be total coincidence because, you know, look, there's other guys writing all day too. I mean, it's not unlikely. That's someone's going to come up with the same idea, but I, I saw a couple and it's like, here's a stack of papers, a stack of ideas, four shows a week, every week. But and there's, there's a stack of ideas on some dude's table, somewhere.

You never know. Yeah. You never can put a pass. Hey, look, it happens all the time on those, and like you said, where it happens the most is on those daily shows. And a lot of times it's coincidences, daily shows, people have a million ideas, and a lot of times people are just like, I haven't got nothing on in three weeks. I mean, you just have it on SNL. How many guys, how many guys are complaining? Hey man, that was my fucking guy used to doing my act

sometimes. You know what I mean? People did that? Yeah, I heard that a few times with like, hey, that's from my thing and you'd be like, I don't know if it's true, but then again, the other side of it is, I remember when I went to SNL, I had a friend of mine, her brother had sent me some idea

about a sketch that was kind of like an Italian version of moving to the homeboy shopping network on living color. It was like that with Italian. So he'd sent me to, I was on SNL at the time. Then I was on SNL and they had the Joe Pesci show, Jim Brue, I had nothing to do with it. I wasn't one of the writers on it.

Right. But it was the same set in that, oh, here we are in a warehouse. Just like a mob, you know. Yeah. So this girl tried to call me. I didn't call her back just because I was running around whatever. So she then cheated her brother like he really did.

He said, why wouldn't he call me back? He still allowed that idea. Wow. She forget I stole the fucking idea. And it looks suspicious. And her brother's like, he's, I'm sure to this day, he thinks I all goddamn idea. Wow. She forget I stole the fucking idea. And it looks suspicious and a brother's like he's, I'm sure to this day he thinks I took his idea. That's fucked up. So I mean that does happen too, both ways, but you never know.

It does happen the other way too. There's people that get desperate in places like SNL. You lose your job if you don't come up with ideas. So when your job is in the line, don't you think if you can't think of things you're gonna grab somebody shit? Of course I wouldn't have you ever done it? No, never. Never because I've never done it. Yeah. It was an episode of SNL that was you on OPM Anthony. All right. All right. Listen, Dawn, I'm getting to it. Oh, wow. I'm getting to it. I'm getting to it. Oh, wow.

I'm getting to it. What do you think? What do you think? I don't know my life. I didn't know what I didn't forget. No fucking talking on the podcast. See what I think? The economic show's got your face.

Shut the fuck up, bopi is. It's a good. Well, they had, we did a thing that we were, I brought up Larry the cable guy, who I think you know he's a great guy I don't give a shit what he does whatever Dan Whitney I know from day one right he's he's he's not that redneck guy that's a character but a lot of people don't know that a lot of people think that's him get her done and then when they hear him I did you know sometimes they catch him going hey how are you he's just a

regular dude that used to wear polo shirts and dockers on stage. I told you he used to make me cry. He was funny. And he's funny. He's a funny guy. He came up with his character for real. So Anthony, by the way, I tried to get him on the radio when I was in Albany about nine years ago, 10 years ago.

I tried to get him, he called on the radio, I knew him, his damn Whitney. I said, I have his number. I tried to get his number, they didn't have it. Because I was going to call him on my go Dan that character is funny. Do it in like spare Lee don't do it too often because you'll overdo it. Just do it in your act. Don't do it as a full character. Just do it once in a while. Wow. I would of course him $200 million. Yeah. Wow. Thank God I couldn't get him on the phone. Yeah. Yeah. That

says something right there. Yeah, sure does. You should listen to Larry and start listening to yourself. Yes, you're right. But so Anthony's there. So Anthony's got the trash. So I had to start the trash. You know, fuck that, fuck that.

And I was talking about, look, in the state of comedy right now, but you need a character. Look at all the famous people. They're either a race or a character. That's right. Okay, which gives you a people. Yeah. Once you get the people, all you need is like a catch phrase.

That's right. Or like a thing that you do. Which is, you know, his getter done. So we came up with Billy, the bass man, for me. Okay, you too. Where I go on and I'm, and my thing was where we're going. That's right. I would go up and, thing was where we're going. I would go up and I would go, yeah,

my grandmother has two thumbs and one hand. She makes a great pot cross. Where we going? And people still yell it out on stage. You want to actually, a comic sent me a video. He was on stage 36 seconds into his set, someone yelled after one of his jokes, you heard in their crowd, where we going?

and send him to his set, someone else, after one of his jokes, you heard in their crowd, where we going? I guarantee if I wanted to, right now, I could fucking do that character, sit down with maybe another comic or something, write a bunch of jokes, and put where we're going, and I guarantee you within five years,

any truck stop or gas station from here to fucking the Mississippi would have where we go and fucking hats and t-shirts. And I would be a millionaire. I'd be a fucking millionaire. It's always better when you don't you on at the end of a fucking long story. What's he else? Oh fuck.

Tell me the SNL port. Well, a week later, SNL had us a skit on. That was basically comics, the fat comic, and he had his little, he was the fat guy, but he had his saying, they had the black comic with his saying, all these different comics with their sayings, basically the same exact, which is what we talked about on ONA. All the comic needs is a fucking people in a catchphrase.

And that's all, the whole skit was people in a catfish. Black guy, fat guy, skinny guy, fucking blob, whatever. And they all had catchphrases. And they were, you know, they do it. And that was the whole thing. And it's like, I got so many emails like, dude, they fucking stole The idea and it's like look some guy listen to an opian Anthony a writer coming into work at SNL

Yeah, why the fuck not who gives a fuck by the way, you know, I don't give a shit Yeah, there's nothing you can do about it. No, it's not you can do about it But it because you can never prove it But you know what who who gives a fuck? It would be great if the guy was like, dude, I heard that on O and A. Give you credit. That'd be a nice pat on the back.

Sure. But you can't do that because then you're a fucking thief and you're running the risk of, you know. Yeah, getting in trouble, but, you know, I don't really give a fuck because it's just whatever, but it's, you know, I'm sitting there watching it,

like, wow, that's very, very fucking similar, but it's just different enough to where you're like, it's not if it was Billy the Bass Man or a country guy going, where are we going? There you go. Of course. But they switched it up just enough. But, of course it did.

99% chance it didn't even happen. They didn't even know. And that's the scary thing about the whole thing as you never know for sure. Like you said, you can't prove anything, and that's the worst part. Well, that's the scary thing about the whole thing as you never know for sure. Like you said, you can't prove anything, and that's the worst part. Well, that's why comedy, it's like, it's, I don't do topical shit.

I don't want, I don't give a fuck. I don't care about the economy. I don't care about the world. I don't really give a shit about the government or the country or other countries or, you know, I don't give a fuck. I, maybe I will later in life, I'll start caring more and start talking about it, or what it affects me.

You know, I care about being at TJ Maxx today, and now that they've, they've, they've pray against weak, depressed people like me, because the line into the cash register is all Just rows and rows of gotsy little fucking shit that I want to buy it all. Oh It's it's it's it's the upstairs cash register with the front the upstairs where you're going now I know Marshall's and every fucking store knows that we're just fat fucking Every fucking store knows that we're just fat fucking pieces of shit trying to fucking buy

and something that says $50 and then has a red tag that says $7.99, I have to get that. Right, because it's $7.99. That's right. It's a red tag. It was $50. And you can't, you're in that shit bugs me, but I could give a fuck about the economy.

But like you It's fucking amazing to me that you can take the shit that we all know about or don't know about about the world I don't understand I don't think people know how hard it is to write original jokes about Shit that's going on now and have them be so personal and original that You know other people can't take them Because look I did a joke about Osama bin Laden, you know

You know they're gonna have Osama and he's making all these video tapes I remember this no Darryl Hammond's favorite joke by the way. They can have Osama Bluppers, right? And I turned on BT one night and five of the black comics have that joke. Or kind of shit, he's making an all kind of video. Yeah. They can have a Blupper reel. Yeah. For reel, y'all.

Y'all, a medical must. No, they said it up for 10 minutes. For reel. B me and Bluebirds. He's got too many videos. They're gonna have a Bluebird Wheel for real. I'm not playing. You'd be like 10 enthusiastic endorsements. It's fucking a Baptist church.

That's what it is. It's selling Jesus. Jesus is the shit. I'm telling Jesus. I'm telling you. Well, over the, oh, oh, so I was all over the place. I see the video everywhere. But it's, it's, it's, it's, you know, when I watched your play, first of all, I go to, you have your play. I talked to you all the time. You're one of my favorite people, one of my closest friends. I see you very rarely. But, You're one of my favorite people, one of my closest friends.

I see you very rarely, but you know, what comics is just the way it is. It doesn't even the fucking effect us, you know. But your play comes out, I say to my wife, I want to go see Collins play, and I want to buy the tickets. I want to buy really good seats. Which by the way, yeah, is almost unheard of in the comedy community. Absolutely. I was shocked and flattered. And so happy. Oh absolutely. Unheard of in the comedy community. Oh, a community will make 20 phone calls to make sure that he does not have to purchase the tickets. They want to walk up to Will call and get their fucking out. I mean, if no one had to pay for a fucking ticket, he'd be home every night. Yeah, Norton is seeing every play in theater. On the first theater. He's the first theater role right now. Yeah. He's been to every play and he doesn't own a tie.

He doesn't own a college shirt. He owns a fucking black Sabbath shirt. He has a black Sabbath shirt. He wears it to everything. Well, I buy the tickets, 150 each, 300 dollars. That's 300 dollars. I know. But wait, before we continue, let me say one thing about Norton. Yeah. Nothing worse than a short hair to black Sabbath t-shirt wearer.

If you wear black Sabbath t-shirt, you have long string in your hair. That looks alright. A creep with short hair and a black Sabbath t-shirt does not look good. That's true. Yeah, it's a reformed black s- It's horrendous.

But go ahead, so you spend 300. 300 dollars. I don't even call you. I know. I don't call you. I know. I know you were coming. You know why?

I didn't call you because I don't want you to be like, dude, I don't do that. But I wanted you to show up and be there for you. I know. I wanted to just go. And I don't want to go backstage. I don't want to, we went to our backstage, Johns. Right, I called you and said, look, we're in Johns. Pizza, oh God, how good was Johns?

And there's nothing better when you walk over right after a play and you fold up a slice and stick it in your mouth. Oh, John. Ah! Ah! So good. So I buy the tickets. I show up, I see you, see you hey whatever we go to Johns after

You're shooting an HBO special right and I get an email from your assistant What's your name Claire Claire It says a column would like to know if you want to go to the show the taping one of the tapings He'd like to make you make sure you have tickets. I'm like, wow, that's fucking cool, man. You know? That's fucking cool. Yeah, I'd like to go. I already saw it.

I'd like to see it again, but I'd like to be there to say that I was there for that taping. Support your friend. Support your friend. Be there. Yep, I would. So I tell Don and Don's excited and we go down.

And in my head, I'm like Jesus, Christ, man. Literally, I do fantasies in my head for good stuff, too. Sometimes it's violent, bad, fucking crazy shit. But sometimes I fantasize, I had a fantasy I walk in and get the will call, but it's kind of a bigger remnant because there's laminants in there. There's VIP passes. Because sometimes when I do shows like I did a show that guy came last week My uncle I made sure that he had laminants to get backstage to meet Larry and everybody after the show So there was you know second row And then they had the passes that they can use to come backstage

So they can meet everybody and say hi And they were you know VIP you know special so I'm walking in like I'm gonna you know get that you know because I've I didn't ask I mean right get get the tickets just just the tickets I'm like I what haven't you know no pass maybe there's no passes maybe they don't have maybe this is theater I don't know and I'm walking up to the thing with my wife looks fucking beautiful by the way really dolled up we both dressed up a little bit we're going in and I'm expecting

the lady to go oh Mr. Kelly and come here Mrs. Mr. Kelly and bring us right down to the front row second row maybe and sit there and maybe you know hey Mr. Quinn said after the show please wait by the story you can we'd like you to come back for the after party taping party you know to meet everybody. I can't delay to the tickets. She doesn't even look up at me. She pushes her glasses back on her face.

Yeah, right into the left. I'm like, excuse me, right into the left, right here. Just go through the door, right in the back, the second to last row. So I'm kind of with my wife, my heart, my heart. It wasn't an anger, it was a hurt. It was a hurt. It was a hurting pain. And I walked in, and I'm kind of biting my lip and I'm taking deep breaths because it hurts. It's like, you know, you're girls cheating on you, but you can't, you know, and you find out in that first moment you find out. And I walk in, I sit down, and then behind me was fucking the rat pack or the wack pack from Howard Stern,

or Obi-N-Antony, Twicholes, and Levy, and all these other, some guy with a fucking, one I was bigger than the other and this guy has Tourette's. And my wife looks like a million fucking bucks. And I, I'm in front of them, I'm worried that this guy's gonna spit gum in her hair. And then I look in front of me and there's a camera, a camera guy in front of me. So I actually, no right in front of me, there's a camera with in front of me. So I actually, no writing funny, right in front of me, there's a camera with a guy and I can't really see, so I really have to look into his lens to see the show.

And if I, if I, I was fucking, If I, if I, I was fucking, I was, I was, I was, I was the anger. I wish I was angry. I wish she was anger. It was hurt. It was hurt. And then it came into rage. And the only thing that actually kept me there, the only thing I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because God forbid a fan, an opian Anthony fan or what if they walked in and walked past

me to get to their seats. A lady walks up. We need two, we need four people who want to sit up front. My hand shot up. We need to we need four people who want to sit up front my Hand shot up Don's like what are we doing? I go come on? Oh, and I got front I got up front seats to you fucking show by luck Could have been worse. You could have been to Apollo. Why he was in a balcony in the last row of the balcony Who the fuck is your assistant? Yeah, and they fucked up. It wasn't my assistant's fault, by the way.

I can call that the... I doesn't matter, it's her fault. I'll tell you why it's her fault. Want me to tell you why it's her fault? Yes. Because she should know better. She should... You don't get fucking back row shit seats, though.

We got... She should have known better, but the... State, the... Passive, aggressive theater manager. Yeah. She got pet she should she should have known better but the state the Pass of aggressive Theater manager yeah I I I actually called about the next day I go what did you do my family and friends? Well scattered all but my family same thing happened and they were there too

I go my family friends. She goes oh, I just got every tickets for everybody who's gonna be there Everybody just got random tickets. I go right. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm complaining about And she's like oh, and she didn't even fucking apologize. I go You telling me that you I said you understand what happened. She was oh, yeah, and then finally the next day she I'm just like I'm sorry Well, I could tell she didn't mean she was just a for I wanted to kill her for that But it was too late, it's not like I could do.

We do imagine that she actually comes to me, doesn't even apologize. She was, oh, I just, she just told me what I knew already happened. I said, that's what I'm complaining about, right? That you just randomly picked my family and friends, got all shit seeds. And by the way, for all that randomness,

I noticed the HBO guests were in fucking decent roles, like the people from World War Camp, Empire, and all of them. Yeah, I mean, yeah. So it's just, which is fine. I still get mad thinking about it. Which is fine, but it is a funny story. But I love the fact that Twitch was back there

with Bob leaving. Well, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Fuck you fuck you. Oh my God. I'm fucking believe well, but it that was so mad Dude I believe it. I was disgusted the fact in the fact is that I already bought Tickets I know Yeah, but what are you gonna do? So anyways, dude? You're gonna be even more true all this week You're doing you show two nights. Yeah. What nights?

Friday Saturday. Friday Saturday, you're doing your show. I'm doing my show. What nights are you doing? Monday through. Tuesday through Saturday. We're doing cheat live. Which is, you know, like, you know, you Billy and Joe.

Me, Billy, Joe, we get our actually cool video that's going up at the beginning of the show. You guys gonna be in stand-up? We're gonna stand-up. We're gonna think of some theme shit. Let's try to do some weird shit. Billion Joe, me, Billy Joe, we got our actually cool video that's going up at the beginning of the game. You guys going to be in stand-up? We're going to stand up. We're going to think of some theme shit, or start doing some weird shit. We put a video together. It's, you know that song, My Guy? Yeah.

My Guy, and it just has images of all the people that have cheated, like Schwarzenegger and Fred Favre and then the video comes in. It's just such a beautiful song about how she supports her guy. My guy. She's there. And it just shows these guys. And then the video comes up where it's like clinton, half of those songs, like clinton goes, I did not have sexual relation with that woman. And then it goes right to the one I did have sexual relation.

And then it goes to bread fauve. I'm retiring. And then it goes to weiner. And then the last clip is tiger woods just staring at the camera And he goes I'm so Sorry, oh, he bows his head But uh, and then Joe's going out. He's hosting it and I'm going up in the middle pill. He's going up at the end and we all kind of hit the cheat stuff a little differently

I'm from a married point of view. Then you could have in the middle of the line, he may not be a movie star, and then my guy's song, and then show images of you three. That's true. We could do that. We're actually doing a show at a strip club across the street from the club soda. Cleopatra. You are? Yeah. It's fucking cool. What time is it? It's cool. It's cool, but Jay, Jay, a big Jay Ogerson has his own show. His own one-man show, I guess, before us, which takes away some of the fucking fun. Oh, for us.

But it's at 10, 30 at night every night. Oh, I can't come to it. Yeah, it's going to be for the after-mine show. Yeah, it should be good. So great. We're doing that. And then I'm doing a gala but this is funny I'm doing a relationship show but with food. So it's basically that's what I was working out tonight is trying to do the food stuff. Yeah tonight. You're trying to work. I got some good food stuff. I got some... The cheat stuff is pretty good. That worked out. I did that thing about my wife. I told you that joke about...

Yeah, you told me. Yeah. I just didn't know if she heard it. The one, yeah. Well, that's the one... It's a man she went to face. The one joke she said to me, be it, can you not... She's never told me not to say anything.

Because, I mean, look around. I know. I bought this with jokes. That's my thing. I go, you like that cable? You like that bill being paid? Then she at SBEs. No, but that was the one joke that she told me not to say.

But I think I made it funny enough to that she thinks it's funny now. The one. Nobody's gonna remember the details. I mean, sitting on a rock. The rock. No, it was it wasn't supposed to be discussed in one day, we're in the car with his older sister. We drive by the area. And he says it allowed. It was just more. That point is really better. It's really to better. He said it from stage.

I forgot we were in the car with my little sister. And it's literally this little strip of beach your marble head where I took her on the first ice beach. Oh, that's nice. I have never been there, but everybody says it's nice. It's just rocks. And the little tiny beach. And I took her there. And down the street was a little like

a little ice cream place. Just white vanilla and chocolate. That's all you could get. But I didn't have any money. So I just, you know, take girls down to Marblehead because it was fancy. My mom lived down there. But, you know, I took her over to the ice cream place and then the rock. She made it to the rock. The rock.

And we wound up, you know, that's where I did my sexy vampire shit back in the day. So I had the care of, you know, good looking. And we made out. And then she, we had, and she fucking, but you're talking like you, you, this was your thing like you took out a girl. Oh, I took other girls there. Oh, this is home. Oh, this is another podcast. Hang on. I never took girls for ice cream and the rock.

All right, Colin, it was nice having you. Oh, it's nice. This is nice. The last podcast I actually got to be involved in. Now I do understand why you didn't want to talk and do it in this podcast. It is then. Yes. It's going to be a long night after I leave this house.

I'll tell you enough of me, but he's too. Anyways, dude, it's fucking nice buddy I love you. I love you too man this is like the calmest podcast we've ever done. I know. We usually fight each other. I know. We usually beat each other out. Yeah. And we didn't this time. No we didn't. I really want to smack in the face right now though. Well I have a bad shoulder rod and feel the same way. Right. But I that no I didn't want to but then when I talked about it Yeah, how we usually fight each other brings up on the I just just crack them Yeah, the fun of just smack it and then the last time we had an umbrella fight

Yeah, someone's all you you had the fucking gay Japanese 12 year old girl umbrella Yeah, it's the umbrella that is clear and goes over you like a dome. Oh, yeah. It's very safe from brother. I bought it. It's fucking efficient. But dude, this, uh, this week, uh, next week actually, or whatever, you're gonna be a Montreal, but I actually check out his Twitter too, because he's just a fucking awesome,

just an, you just annoy everybody. I am, I am Colin Quinn. It's true. If you want to get some real, see a clean good times in these decades times you live in checking with me on Twitter. Although, they haven't been on the past few days. Sorry. Well, the people, the fact that people don't get that you're being a sarcastic fucking douche

gun is intentionally, and they're taking you serious, it just, they should die. I lose as many as I get. Yeah. We've decided we're gonna, we'll talk about that next time, and I'll win a kill. Some of these tweet fucking.

We'll talk about that next time. But dude, it was an interesting conversation. Thanks for coming on. I am Colin Quinn at I am Colin Quinn on Twitter, and he's up in Montreal, and thanks again, bro. Thanks, brother. All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

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