Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Me and Todd Lynn from Montreal

Episode Date: August 8, 2011

Robert sits down with comedian Todd Lynn at Montreal's 'Just for Laughs' festival. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is Jim Norton and unfortunately for you you're listening to the you know what's up. This is Robert Kelly with You Know What Dude, live from Montreal. This is the first podcast I did. I'm doing up here and it's with a good friend of mine, Funny Motherfucker, Todd Lynn. What's that, brother? What's up, dude? We have finally reached Montreal together. I know, right? We ain't telling the stories like I was there. So was about five years ago. Yeah, but you came here and you actually fucking did what you're supposed to do. One year I came here and they actually extended me a bag of money. Yeah, they did. What do you mean, dude? Well, let me say this. You know Montreal there was so much. You go there and you get a development deal. Yes. I came here and I got a development deal that was worth a half a million dollars and I fucked it up in about two years.

And which was kind of cool because I ain't got that many hookers in my whole life. Did you use it to fucking just do stupid shit? Well actually I got two deals. The first deal, I'm like I can't believe it. The second deal was like stupid shit, you know, baller car cash Really literally spent $25,000 on hookers really easy Easy good hookers is that really good hooker. So it's like it wasn't $25,000 on $50.00

Horrors now I was $25,000 on those hookers that make you feel like bitch, I will marry you. So you don't have to do this anymore. You are incredible. Right. I spent it on the hookers that made me breakfast after they fuck me. It was great. So when you came up, when was the last time you up here that you hit all that shit? 2005.

2005, yeah. And you came up here, did you expect it? Was it already kind of like I've heard rumors about it you know you know you hear a lot of stories about it you know about Hey guys get this and get that and you hear about it so I kind of thought well if I do well Maybe I'll get some kind of extra revenue streams coming in but I end up getting the big Bananza how you know what show did it? Probably all of them it was the new faces initially. Oh, you did new face. I did new faces

I did well Everybody like me and then I came out and I did the The uptown which is the urban show and all the industry people came to see me and I did it real well And then from that point man, you know all those good ideas we sit around and talk about. You know, television shows, I got a chance to walk into, you know, studios and talk about them. Right. I mean, that's really what this is about. They're looking for something in your comedy, they can encapsulate into a show.

And make money. Yeah. And if they can do that and make money, really, that's your whole speech. You just walk in and go, you're ready to make some money and they go, yes. Right, that's what we want to hear. So, just to let people know to my voice, I lost my voice tonight.

So it is me, in case you wonder and I fucking had a substitute in here doing this podcast, not it is Bobby, trust me, and he has on a lot of Cologne the night. I don't know what he's trying to do I like that Mary. Yes, but he has a lot of Cologne. He has like I'm trying to catch a bitch Cologne. Oh, yeah

Well you but here's the deal you came up here. Who is your Manager at the time it was Jason Steinberg. He's up here now. Who was actually the most in that manager you can possibly have? Jesus. Yeah, but we made, he is what I call the good first step manager. Right. You know, he's very good on the initial step.

So, but he brought all the industry to those shows, right? Jason did a good job of it right no and then um after that it became like um You know a snowball effect right you know and um Um this year actually went just as well actually this has been a great year too. You get another deal I didn't get another deal, but not yet. Right. The deal comes about a couple of weeks later.

Well, here's a deal. Here's a deal with you, you know, Tadlin, funny motherfucker. One of the most abrasive, honest up front in your face. I'm talking not on stage, on stage, but also off stage. Yeah, I'm a asshole. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a asshole.

I was a mid to it, man. My mouth has burned. Many of fucking breeze down and then I poisoned the water so I couldn't even swim back across. Right. I've made some, I've made some very critical goddamn mistakes. Right. But I guess, man, Bobby, you know, I always wanted to just be honest.

I always wanted to tell like I saw it. And you know, and the best dudes did I have a watch. That's what they were doing, man. They were telling it like they saw it. Even when I watch you, man, and and do your comedy I'd see Bobby Kelly I don't see nothing else right you know I see Bobby Kelly and that was always honest to me we talked about this years ago I talked about I was like Bobby I don't get it why you ain't got to show you know why you haven't got I don't

fucking get it in like this thing y'all did recently cheat that was so you yeah you know it was like man it was perfect you know it was perfect but I guess I'm honest because I just I really don't know no other way I don't mean no harm but I guess honesty sometimes can really burn people's ass well you know it is too though dude it's like I remember when I first met you you were always cool to me, we talk, we shoot the shit. But what happens too is that I think your personality gets enhanced. Once you get these deals, once you get 500 G's, once you're a popular guy, once you're on the motherfucker, and then you show up in the room.

Oh God. Sorry to tell you don't need to get all that money because trust me, I can completely understand how you lose your mind when you get a lot of money So he did yeah, I could I lost my fucking mind. I ain't even gonna lie. You know Two days that I went on bought a fur coat Why a fur coat about a fur coat? Why I have no fucking idea I just I went nuts about a fur coat I remember I wore them to the seller and y'all tore me a new asshole.

The very next day I sold the coat back to the furrier. I don't even know why I bought a fur coat. I was just like, I got enough money to buy a fur coat. You know, just... This is the funny part though, is that you do all this stuff, and you, but you said you're, you're lost at all. Well, and I did. I lost everything, man. I'm not, not in a short period of time. Like two years, right?

Like maybe three. Spoo what happened? Well, because the deal, the deal's go away. Well, the deal's actually go away. What happens is, once you go through the deal process, what exactly happens is, they take you to one step, then it's to writing, then it's to creation, and then it's to a point where they make a decision

where they're gonna make a pilot. Always got to the pilot process and then it never worked. Right. You know, because it becomes more involved, it becomes is this something we want on telev how to advertise and feel you know is this too much which you never get it you never take that into account when you're writing it yeah you never take that it's some advertiser can actually fucking sell you never think about that aspect right and you know what I found out that

is a gigantic aspect, a gigantic aspect. The first thing they do right after they approve it is go, how do we sell this to the sponsors? And let me tell you, if there's a 10 point must system and there are three nose, they don't want it. They really want at least an eight, you know, out of ten. And unless you're fucking like Louis, then if you're a huge star, you can do whatever you want. You can pretty much do it. You can see it as an incredible situation. You know, do what you want, create what you want.

I don't think that ever happens. Well, they'll give you the chance to fail if you're hugely famous or they like you you they'll give you the chance to fail if you're hugely famous or they like you. They'll give you the chance to fail. Yeah, not if you just let they want. The hot guy. Right. Not if you just the, yeah, we like you. No, no, but I tell you what, the process is excruciating in terms of being a stand up comic because you like You know when they say no they tell you no with prejudices. Yeah, you know They they tell you in a way that almost destroys your confidence Well, you know what they do too is they give you a suggestion you take it and then it changes everything and then they by the time

You're done you're back to the original script and you fucking turn another one too. Sometimes they changed the shit to like Where you go what the fuck I don't even know what the fuck this is now, right? But you are so in the process of getting an on television Yeah, that you don't even realize they've changed it even out of the creative Spear of what you wanted to do. I think there's a point where you got to go no Fuck you. Well, you know what I heard Louis CK speak on this Right about saying no and just doing what you want to do. Yeah, you know, they usually don't allow that Yeah, but I think you know you do have to say no

Cuz at some point what I did learn Even about myself was They got the right and shit for me. I didn't want to do like they was like okay, well we're gonna make you the black you know king of queens, right? I'm like that ain't who I am. I ain't to tell me fat about it. That would have been funny. Yeah, but I ain't him. You I'm the grumpy dude. You would have been a millionaire. Maybe set for life. I may be, but they didn't even buy that show. But are you trying? Yeah, but let me tell you something.

They gave me a shitload of money for it. Right. A lot of money, man. You know, but, and I think that the reason why deals are not as prevalent as they used to be is because of all these reality based shows. Yep. And they're not putting that kind of money

behind actors and comedians anymore. But the funny thing is the good stuff I'm seeing on TV now is this stuff. The Louise, the things on USA, the things on the Facebook. Always funny, yeah. Yeah, you know. Let me ask you a question now, but you go after all that, it goes away, right? What happened? I mean, I know you-

You go to the back of the line. You go to the back of the, I know you go to the back of the line. You go to the back of the line. And you get to the back of the line and where, what do you do? You go to the back of the line and you go, oh fuck. How do I either try to jump some spaces? But, be honest with you, man, it is a complete reinvention process. Because they're not going to let you get back up

in the line with what you had. Right. You know, you're going to have to come with a fresh idea, a new take, you know, something else. Right. And when you had the back of the line, the bad part about going to the back of the line now is people just pass you up because they got fresh ideas. You know, but I'm talking about, I know the psychology behind it.

I want, but like I'm talking about what the fuck, what happened to you? When you had all this money, because I remember the use coming to the seller, you were fucking, dude, you're on fire. You are on fire. You had shit going on, you had deals, you had money, you bought an apartment, I think.

But the problem was I was doing well, very well. Matter of fact, I even became the morning host of Hot 97, which is like the big and cheese. See, television marketing, I was like the radio morning host. I actually lost that job when I got fired, it was like I became comedy and the wide. why'd you get fired again? I forget I got fired because a song somebody else wrote Yeah, and because I was considered a writer and the comedian on the show I was the most

Expendable what was this kind of threw me on the bus it was the tsunami song Which was about it wasn't about anything, but it referenced Asians, dying in the Asian tsunami. And you know, that's why I learned a lot about people taking shit out of context. Right. That's why I learned about Corporate America.

Corporate America in a big way. Big way. Because let me tell you, when sponsorship gets lost, your ass will get fired. Right, everybody's a bitch. You know know as long as when I was working there and I was raising their numbers they have a problem but the minute it was a problem they like you getting your ass out of here you know. So we can get our sponsorship back. Right McDonald's just left. Jesus. You, and you know I can't even tell you what radio sponsorship money is it is it is in the

Chins of thousands and millions of dollars and they did these radio stations don't want to lose that And then after that, you know, it was like I you know this guy is like, you know And I was never really a wild card guys like you know and I was never really a wild card you know and then I got grumpy afterwards you know I'm saying because you start losing stuff yep and then once you start losing stuff you you start speaking your mind right you know and let me tell you they're not always the best to speak your mind yep I've learned that dude you know look man I'm the same way you I I've burned bridges. I've I said I've you know fucking me you almost fought We were both the same type of guy

We're going at it and we you actually reminded me one night You like yo man. I like you and I was like oh shit. I like you too With friends, so it's like let's not all right. I get I'm fucking with you. You're fucking with me. We took it too far We got serious all right. Let's not do that shit You know what I'm gonna tell you something Bobby how much I didn't even think about that incident Right until you just said it. I didn't even recall it. Yeah, yeah, cuz I never even looked it doesn't well cuz it made It was in the ad for an adversarial Phyllis don't we don't I didn't, what it did for me

and the reason why I remember it. Because I always had anger issues, that was my thing. And when we got into that fight, and you came up to me, and you were like, Bobby, I like you. I was like, see dude, you don't have to, it was like, I dude, you don't have to fucking take things to the next level. With, you know what I mean?

It was like, you can just, you can actually trust the people that you know. Right. That they're your friends. So when they do shit to you, then maybe bugs you, you can go do what the fuck was that? And they'll go, I think, I'll be honest with you,

I think at that time, I remember that now. Yeah. He was a little frustrated with your position. That it was easy to be in this business like you know, it don't take but the oh a bill Yeah, you know the old fucking bill, you know, that's when I was going through all that when I fucking was getting serious with my girl I was stopped right I was trying to stop being a scumbag. I was going through some shit And you know, I don't say but a little bit though, you know, they go fucking that's why I said look man

I like you we ain't really yeah, we're not You know, I ain't got no beef with you like that like yeah, I ain't got a fighting beef with well That's when I was like oh, yeah, I've touched my friend, you know, I ain't got a ball bustin beef right? Yeah, you wear we them bust each other's balls till we want to fight each other You know, we like when that was me that was on me I was you know what it is though. It's entitled in this shit, right cuz dude. This is the most frustrating business You know first of all we live in a business of nose. Yeah, and and with being told no by non creative people You know about it's amazing don't have any creative ability whatsoever. Yeah, they make all their money off our creative ideas

Yes, and then they're telling us no like how the fuck did you get a job doing this? Yeah, and you've never had you know that struggle before So you know, it's weird. Those that you are going through the exact opposite you are in the best spot Ever so your fucking ego was the shit my self esteem was in the gutter and then we but the thing that I liked about it Though for me like I said is that it taught me to trust the people that I hang with even though We see each other at clubs or shows. That way, man, these are my people.

This is my Saragit family. And finally, here's dude, I never, me, my opinion to you was never Bobby ain't gonna make it, right? You know, my opinion to you is when it blows, it's gonna blow big for Bobby. No, that's always looking, and that's honest, not cause I'm sitting there on your stupid podcast. You know, it's because that's the way I always felt. I always felt like, man, we talked about this.

You talked about show. You talked about show. I said, we talked about stuff. We talked about ideas that you had for a show. You know, and where you came from as a kid. And I said, I said, that's going to work. They missin' it now. But they know, I mean, look now, you got ideas workin'.

As we were peaking earlier, it's finally when you say, I don't give a fuck you don't give a fuck you know when you decide you know you're going to send my blood pressure through the roof nope you know that's the stats with me and Billy and Joe said about that movie and that's why we're here doing the shows and all the stuff that's going on is we were like why do we have to wait to book an audition let's just go make the movie ourselves. We make money as comics. We make good money.

Before it just self, cause man, they don't, they don't, they don't, they don't believe in us as talent. But they're believing a goofy fucker that, on the reality show, they just watch somebody else be a asshole. Yeah. You know, like, oh that's, that's fucking, that's, you know, that's, they have to pay you shit. The thing they hate about us is that when we do create something and it's a hit, we own it. We created, we're producers, we get all the money we get to become to mass-hole. Yeah, they get some, shit, they get with a mohawk to slap a chicken on TV. Right, and then he becomes a star.

He becomes a star, but they don't. They own it up. They own it all. So the funny thing is, you know, look at all our transitions and escalations to his business. We've all rollercoaster ride, rode it. And that becomes a bonding thing too. Right.

Because you know I was all the way up, then I came back all the way down. Yeah. You know I've seen you up, and I've seen you down. Yeah. So we understand the trials and tribulations about. I was still here.

And we still here, and we also know, like you just said, they're early, dang on doing it, so we're fucking doing it. Yeah, you can't that's the thing is I don't have a B plan Well, the funny thing is I don't think I ever had a B plan all my plans were a plan with no, you know It was like a bad bank heist. Yeah, you know like If the get away driver got shot we was fucked If the Gino Way driver got shot, we was fucked. You know, and that's how I looked at everything. Just have one good A plan.

But you think, you think now, you know, look dude. No, I met you dude. You were a fucking big motherfucker, healthy as an ox. You were the same no more. You were the shit, you know what I mean, but dude, I mean, you're the same, which we are just saying verbally and psychologically. No more you you the shit you mean the dude I mean you're the same what's weird

You're saying verbally and psychologically you're not any different that way even from talking to you the last couple days But you got sick well actually man I had such a bad health crisis what I mean what you what happened well I'll be honest with you now you were I I got diagnosed with cancer about 29 months ago and they merely told me that I had pancreatic cancer and you know normally when they say that the first thing the next thing is oh I'm gonna be dead here in the next year right so um at the time I found I didn't have insurance I was getting a lot of charity care through hospitals you know I didn't I couldn. I was getting a lot of charity care through hospitals. You

know, I didn't have couldn't afford money for medication. You know, in a long story short, somehow, and I don't know how, but I got very bad in January of this year, and I went to the hospital. I spent January to April of ninth in the hospital but doing the middle of my stay my number's targeting better and I went into remission but this this this thing beat my ass you know it beat my ass and you know how I found out how it cans you want to hear the audit shit? What's up? You know normally you you know you're pissing blood or something You know yeah, I went to the doctor because my dick wasn't working

I was like I'm going to get some biagra right and it was like hey It's a little bit more wrong, which you didn't erect out this function You might want to go to and get some more tests, get some blood work done. So I basically, me won by Agra. I Agra saved my life. Because you're a dirt ball. Yeah, say what? Because you're a dirt ball. Yeah, because I'm a scumbag. I'm a fucking, I got it bad too, man. I don't know. I'm sexually addicted to some real debatura shit. So like, but like, like when you found out, you mean dude, you, we talked to this, you were at the fucking top, 500,000 all deals, you kind of lost a shit,

and then you find this out, it's like, what the fuck, man? You know, you kind of go, I tell you what you do think about, and all of a sudden you go, who did I treat like shit, that comments coming back on me, this hard. Really? You know, and I thought about it really, man. I was really gregarious, arrogant and stuff like that. But with my money, I wasn't.

You know, like I was giving money away like a crazy person. Yeah. If anybody needed me, I was giving money away. Like I was a real away like a crazy person. Yeah, if anybody needed me I was giving money away like I was a real philanthropist, you know like Like I had a million dollars not like I had 500,000 where I was getting Ray lose 62% of it to agents and and The tax man, yeah, you know

Because it really ain't that much you get get 500,000. You get to keep about 125 after everybody drains all their money out of you know. You don't, you don't understand that. No, once the agents and the tax man get to it, the lawyers and the, no, well, that's what it is. I can give it to you clearly for everybody listening. It's 5% to a lawyer, 10% to our agent, 15 to a manager, and if you got an accountant which smooths everything out 4%, you at 34% there. You take another 30% to the tax man, that's actually 64%. So you don't get much of your all money, but we get to write off meals. Yeah, we get to write off meals and Pins and notebooks about that. So what I got to go about 300 fucking notebooks. All right, you know

So let me ask you question though. What what happened? Like you lost your site too lost my site because the cancer the cancer my kidneys. The kidney squeezed off my small blood vessels to my eyes. Jesus. And caused me my retinus to detach. And so I lost my sight. And we'll come back. I'm in the process of having operations to try to restore some of it. But as we speak now, I'm blind.

You're blind? Yes. I'm blind. And your cancer is in remission. Cancer is in remission. I'm blind. My dick work again. Which is great. Are you still getting pussy? Yes. You know, the funny thing is, um, already couldn't fuck work for shit long. Now, I'm so sensitive to touch. I come so quick and I don for shit long now. I'm so sensitive to touch. I come so quick and I don't give a damn. I'm just glad it's working. Are you, now do you use the blindness to get some pussy? Actually, let me explain something that I didn't know.

I know why Ray Charles got so much pussy. I don't know what is attractive about blind, but women is almost like a challenge. You know what I'm like. Oh, fuck the blind guy, you know. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Do you grab their wrist?

Oh no, I grab the ass. I don't even play around. I go full body. That's fucking, you know, it's actually almost a physical assault. Has this all this stuff, dude? Cause you hear him, my't you, I was really, I saw you walk through the door, bro, and I heard what you were going through, you know,

but I was like, this, you know, this sucks. I was like, you know, you wouldn't wish that on anybody. And it was like, especially somebody that you know, from the seller and hanging out, we came up together and those fucking fucked up in the morning. Hard days. And then it's like, I seen you walk in yesterday, man, and you had the cane, but you look good, man. You look good, you had your suit on, you wailed in, and as soon as you started talking to me, dude, you were still funny.

You're still fucking funny. I mean dude you got You have a serious Tone about you, you know, I mean you're not as I mean Bobby You know what when I was in the hospital my heart stopped Jesus. I died I went in the cardiac arrest for like 93 seconds You know kind of you know like when I came out of it, you know, the doctors told me what happened and everything. I seen the graph with the line stops, you know, it goes in, you know, I'm like, oh, fuck, I died, man.

Like I've been through the worst thing you could ever go through. Yeah. You know, the worst thing you can ever go through is dying. Yes. You know, and I figured, well, if I got passed that, regardless of what the rest of my life has, I might as well just deal with it the same way I dealt with my life when I had all my faculties. So I mean, so you just went, I mean, what changed, what changed after all this, dude? If anything, I don't know if it did. Maybe

you're just to say, well, you know what it is I'm like you know like you remember you you know when you listen to the news and you hear about okay we don't want health care we don't want this and you know this much cost you money and blah blah blah blah you're way more sympathetic to the plight of people that are on social security Medicare you know older people people that have serious health crisis because I dealt with it directly. I honestly know that if this government decides to take away Medicare and cut back social security, they will be killing people, literally killing people. You know, like because you can't do it, it just can't be done.

Like we in Canada right now, Canada has a single payer system, they're government pays for everybody's health care. Like, how is America the only civilized country in the world that doesn't have a single payer system? Like, and the only reason we don't have one is cause they some greedy son of a bitch's. But did that, let me, you know, dude,

I always wear comics. We never think about getting sick. We know that's all you don't think about. Right. Because you go, you actually say it, long as I'm healthy, I can do this shit. You know, how many years you think you did comedy without insurance?

Most of it. You know, most of the time you probably, most of our careers, we was just walking around just hoping we didn't break our fucking leg you know fucking pop our killings ten then you know goddamn scaffolding didn't fall and brain us yeah I mean look I I get I get insurance to sag but I mean now I know why certain people do certain movies because they got kids they're trying to keep that damn machine. When you see a guy in a shitty movie

is because he's trying to keep his engine on. He need to make $13,000 a year to keep your insurance. And let me tell you something. I didn't make $13,000 a year one year and that's when I got canceled. Really? Yeah. But did you become a civilian bro like mentally? I

Not no, I became a I think I was lower than a civilian because I Was I was sick and I couldn't get insurance because I had a pre-existing condition Shit so the only option for me was to get Medicaid You know through the American Medicaid system because you went through you went from a comic with deals But that was show one of the funniest guys around you killed it every time you went on stage Everybody knew the fuck you were whether I loved you or hated you they know toggling Now you're on fucking Medicaid With cancer wait, I'm gonna give you're on fucking Medicaid with cancer.

Wait, I'm gonna give you one more and social security. Really? I just got to prove for social security. I'm officially a fucking old man. Jesus. I'm really a fucking old man. I'm 43 years old and I'm officially into retirement 20 years early.

You got retirement? No, I mean, man, I'd like to continue to do comedy this way and earn money, but I don't really believe that well, one right now, I need a kidney transplant. But you need a kidney transplant. Yeah, and I'm on dialysis, so I can't travel. Matter of fact, me being there,'all I'm taking a risk really yes Why'd you come because I think maybe I Can get my career popping stuff where I can get my 13,000 in sag And get some insurance maybe possibly get on some other list

You know for for kidney transplant maybe improve my health what what blood type of you. I got AB negative, which is an odd blood type. And you know, I have family members that can help, but I don't want them to. Why? Well, man, I don't want anybody. I don't want to burden anybody with this. I don't want to put anybody's life at risk. Can I tell you to be honest with you? I had a joke in my act.

I don't even remember it. But my sister got a kidney transplant. And my mother called me and she was like, you sister needs a kidney. And I was like, that's fucked up. Wow. And she was like, you know, well, you know, we gotta go down and get your blood checked.

And I was like, for what? And she was like, you might need to give her a kidney. And I was like, you know, like, I had had a joke was well, isn't there a list? Cuz I you know it's funny cuz now in my act I do a joke about how uncomfortable it is to discuss with anybody You know how you need a kidney cuz nobody want to talk about that shit just like you say it like you know You like wait, man. You want me to risk my life? Nobody listen, but here's the thing people to deep down is like fuck me

Right, I don't want to do it, but I'll do it No, nobody really wants to nobody wants to give you do without a kind of dedication Well, that was a joke of my act the next door neighbor Neil wanted to and he's a single guy lives alone his name's Neil Creepy and he was like I'll do it we're like settle down you fuck you weirdo and he did it he you know out of the goodness of his heart but later on we found out that he liked my sister and he tried to make a move on her well here's a crazy thing man I need a kidney right now right right but if somebody needed a kidney and I

had it to give, I would be reluctant. Right. You know, I'm like, so you know, because for like, I gotta have my foot cut me open and take a body part out. Right. You know, the, because that's really what that is. You got to take some shit out of me. And then tell me it's all right. No, that would never sit well with me. No, but the thing is though, you gotta understand that this family member is that, yeah, fuck it, but they'll do it. And the way they do it now, the person that gives it

isn't as risk as it was 10 years ago. Hey, yeah, well, you know what? You said as 10 years ago, but they still at risk. And I'm not willing to and I'm not willing to I'm not willing to take that chance, Bobby. You know, I love my brothers and sisters, you know, I mean I'll have them the opportunity to say no. I have my I gave them the opportunity. No, that's the answer I take this man, you know Like right now, man, let me tell you, I'm Energizing feel good right now just sitting here talking with you and because I'm glad that

A lot of things we talked about the finally starting to come to fruition, right? You know and You know that makes me feel good that makes me feel like even though I might be kind of at the back of the line, it still some, you know, chances to get back in the game. Yeah. That you know, I see guy that didn't fall out. The guy that made a way, you know, and a guy that's not so indifferent from myself. Right. You know, because we're very similar.

You know, states killing all the time too, you know. Yeah. Nobody likes fucking following you. You're doing fun. Yeah. You know, I will go, I'd say you go on to selling and I need to go on behind you. That shit wasn't fun. Yeah.

And I wasn't like, okay, wait till Bobby go up and fuck my setup, you know. I wasn't fun following you either though, you come in second and so. As you go up and fucking, you put some fucking, you would talk about, you would put some cycle, you would talk and get him in a psychological, fucking thought process, and I go up and talk about,

you know, doing my shit and a little more crazy. What an easy no can away, no matter the fact, the truth is a lot of it was inspiring in the sense where, you know, you know, one thing I liked about working with you and other guys at the seller is that there was an unspoken competition in the sense where we knew that the guys we was working with was so good that we had to raise our comedic standard to that level. Oh, yeah, you had never a point when we could be a shitty comment. No, because you had to go on a show with you, Patrice, Martin Collins, Nick, Tom Poppill. You're like, oh, God, this is a nightmare.

And you don't want to look like the Huckabuck on the show. Right. You know, and those, I think that's probably to what led all of us to the point of doing things for ourselves, like, you know, like we are the creative people. We can't make it happen. You know, I'm actually proud of you, Billy and Jill DeRose, for what you did, because, you know, you took an idea and really followed through. We get a lot lazier as comics sometimes.

You don't want to completely follow through, but I'll follow through. Well, that's the thing is people always give alt comics shit or writers or whatever. And it's like here's the thing though, these guys work. I was sitting around just using killing and I'd never do the work. I'd never sit down and write scripts I'd never Sit down and get the thought on paper so someone could buy it and put me in something that I wrote like these guys did So the thing is it work dude and like you know the fun I'll tell you the best part about that. Now, more opportunities to do that will open up. I'm quite sure

y'all have in meetings where they're going, what else y'all got? Yeah. You know, this works. Do y'all got something else we can make money off? Right. Right, right, right. But now let me ask you, so where you are, has your comedy changed? Completely, it's changed. Completely and absolutely. It's actually the first time in my life I've been completely autobiographical. You know, I was always a great opinion guy, great insight guy.

I had jokes, you know, I could put them together well. But this is the first time in my career. I've never been able to say say this is what happened to me. This was the journey. This is what laid up to it. These are the things that happened. And then I, you know, I bought them, you know, I was able to translate them. You know, I, you know, you always looked at guys like prior and then

and go, damn, they really translated their pain. Yeah. You know, and this is the first time I've been able to do that. I ain't never been able to do that before. You're a show's up here, right? Yes. What show did you do? I did the best of the best, go west, the uptown comics.

And all of them went really, really well. And I was like, at one end, I was relieved, and I was happy because when you're doing jokes, man, and they just jokes and they don't work It's like that's the joke that they me But when you auto-biographical and they don't like you they don't like you right You know that means you suck. Yeah So it was refreshing in the sense of I was was able to write for me, for myself. Yeah.

And I was able to, in writing for me and for myself, I was able to, you know, create something that's actually different than what I've ever done. And maybe give people a picture of, you know, this is what it's like if you have a health crisis, this can happen to you. And I may be able to inspire some people because like from what I've been told, only 3% of the people that have ever diagnosed with pancreatic cancer survive. I don't know why I survived. I don't even know how I survived, man. A lot of times I don't even

like talking about it because I end up in tears because That'd be great for this podcast, you know I'm doing I ain't about to cry in front of you fuck you you ain't gonna tell that one you know I mean, I Just because um, there was a point When you know, man, there was actually a point Bobby where I called the funeral home There was actually a point, Bobby, where I called the funeral home to find out how much it was going to be, to fly my body home.

Like, I was making funeral arrangements for myself. God damn. Because I didn't want my mother to do it. You know, I mean, I don't think you can never have a worse experience than to call a funeral home and like, yo, I'm been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I'm dying. Have you ever played Cleveland? It's the exact same thing.

I'm going to Cleveland. How much is cremation? Well, that's fucking crazy. I mean, look, dude, that's so fun. You know what's crazy about that is that you went you went if you listen to this What I'm hearing is you went from the highest of highs To the lowest of lows, but then you went lower lower you went lower than

We all go through it wasn't about money. Well you at that one point you can still do your comedy You can still bang broad you can still do whatever you wanted you and lower than that You went to where you were you were fucking making your own funeral arrangements. Oh when you like that was the Next to dying that was the worst day of my life I remember it was day after I went to a doctor and he looked at me came back in the room and he said, Mr. Linda, you have your affairs in order? I kind of looked at him like, no. Fucking because I didn't plan on dying.

No. You know, he was like, you really want to make some changes and maybe get your things and all that. And I was sitting there like, this fucking just told me get ready to die. And I remember two days later, who'd you call? I called a funeral home. No, you know, I'm talking friends or family or girls. Well, I taught, you know, I had a girl at town who got fiancee.

You don't really want to say to your fiance, hey listen, things ain't getting no better. I'm dying and I'm not going to be. Jesus, I literally did not plan on being alive in July of 2011. Really? You know, because I had one foot in the grave in January. And you know, I called my mother and I told my mother exactly what they said to me. And my mother is a nurse practitioner. And she, you know, she was worried, but she was trying to kind of make me comfortable with what could have

possibly been the last, you know, a few months of my life. Because I was getting more ill, you know. And I remember calling the funeral home and I said, actually, they say, how can I help you? And I said, well, I'm dying. I'm, you know, I need to make some arrangements for my funeral. You know, when I die, I need certain things to happen. So my mother doesn't have to. And then I remember the guy telling me how much it was,

now sitting on the phone going, God damn! Let me tell you something, being born and dying, is the most expensive shit that I have happened to you in your life. Well, how much does it cost? I got a price of literally $7,000 just to put me in a shitty polyurethane casket. And dig a hole and bury me. Really?

Yeah. Jesus. Seven grand just for a shitty situation. And you were engaged at the time? Yeah, and I didn't know what to say there. But I could see her looking at me every day. And then it got so bad that there's a... I was living with my girlfriend in Philadelphia.

And there's a hospice called the Hope House, where I guess you stay there until you die, um, cause a little money to get into. I took the last bit of money that I had took a train up to, uh, there and they were going to admit me to the whole house. I was just going to leave my girlfriend because I didn't wanna die in the living room. You know, and she was afraid of that.

And I passed out at the whole Pals and I went to the emergency room from there. And then from the emergency room, that's when I was sent to hospital for four months, you know. But I didn't think I was gonna make it out of that situation. So you were going to die? I was going to die, man. And you passed out,

well, I'm not even the hospital, I saved your life. Yep. And when did it, how did it go into remission? Man, the doctors don't even know. I was like in late February, they was like, you know, they come to you every day and say your numbers look like shit, your numbers look like, I got blood work every four hours.

Every four hours, they pull blood from me. My fact, they had put something in my arm where all they had to do was hook this little thing up to me like click down and blood would come out of me. Right. And um, uh, every day they would come to me, uh, your blood work is still the same, your blood work is the same, but your blood work looked pretty good today. But, you know, you're not out the woods. And then every day it kept rising.

And then about the middle of March, they said, we just tested you again. And we don't see any cancer sales. But we don't test you again. And at that point, I wasn't even listening. I was like, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, tested you again and we don't see any cancer sales but we're gonna test you again and I just at that point I wasn't even listening I was like you ain't gonna get me excited right then like about the third week of March

because I hadn't walked since January I said I'm gonna get out the big hit and I got out the bed and I fell down immediately because I had no leg strength. But it was the first time I had been out the bed in three months. Wow. And then I actually walked to the bathroom prior to that. I was wearing diapers. Oh, God, that's an awful experience. Had to have nurses come in and change me. No, bad news, Evan does it.

Roll over so we can wipe your ass. It's bad for you. And the gym know what actually pays to have it done. Yeah, when gym know it and have some sexual proclivities that far exceed any deviant behavior you and I have. But it was really like and then, far exceed any deviant behavior you and I It it was really Like and then like at the third week of March they was like

You know, we think you in remission. I say well don't tell me you think fucker and then you know I had died right, the early part of January, the next day I got Medicaid, so they was really working on me hard, testing me for everything. I think I got a fucking pregnancy test. Really. But everything started getting better and better. In the middle of April, they let me go but like even now I have a nurse in my house with me all day eight hours a day. Where do you live in Harlem with who?

With a friend of mine named Dino Vigo. He's just about you moving with them? Yeah. So you live with them and there's a nurse there? Yeah and there's a nurse there. All day. A really good looking Dominican one. Really? Yes. Did you? She cooks, no I didn't.

Do I want to? Yes. Does she give you a massage? Oh, God, she take care of me like a baby, dude. She walks for me, washes me. Really? You know, this shit is sickening. I really understand why Arnold Schwarzenegger fucked his man like I really completely understand really. Dude if I ever get rich

I'm getting me a Spanish housekeeper they are the fucking greatest I got one all day. Hey that was a day make breakfast she comes in like Mr. Leigh what do you want for dinner? Oh God it's the most wonderful thing in the world. Do you now that you, but now you're in remission, you're starting to do comedy again more way more and but like What is what is changed about you man like what we're like? How do I say this? Well, let me say a lot of change one. I don't have sight

so I'm I'm way more into the written aspect of being a comic really so that everything verbally becomes very verbally visual Wow, you know because I don't have sight I really I almost got to be like Stevie Wonder You know you listen to a Stevie Wonder song you go that motherfucker can see Because you couldn't be able to describe that right but now now I know say I realized I have to be just as visual Right I can actually hear the audience you know how you do a joke and you hear a moaning yeah, I Hear that like you screaming in my ear really Yes, very much so can you hear this and um

Can you hear this you um can you hear this right now? Yes, I can hear you I can hear you You know it's weird. I can hear everything in this building You know you don't hear the detail, but you hear everything so that's interesting dude You know you don't hear them detail, but you hear everything so that's interesting dude You're actually writing now from a perspective of without the ability to go up a go nice shirt where you from right? There's no crowd work. No, right? This is you got to beat the path you got it's got to be funny You have to write a book. It's like writing a book. There's no crowd working a book. You know, books don't stop in the middle.

And go, hey, what's you doing up there? You know, you got to write the whole thing. Your segues have to be, you know, you got to go from one subject to the other smoothly. Because you're just standing there. Yeah, you ain't got no choice. If something go on in the room, you better be funny enough just to fucking bypass it.

So you're getting, so you're getting money from Social Security now. Starting August the first. What were you doing for it before then? I actually had, I was working while I was sick. I was working on Carnival cruise lines making a shitload of money. Do what? I was a comedian. You were sick? Yes. And I was going out on boats. Like sick in the mission or sick? No, sick with cancer. Sick with cancer before I went into the

hospital. Really? Yeah. I was making like $4,000 a week. Wow. Right? And I saved all my money. So, but I haven't had any money since like, you know, tell I'm behind in my child support. Is she going to understand?

No, she doesn't. Really? No. No. People talk about divorce. A divorce is just a woman that doesn't want to be with you anymore. A baby mama is a sucky bitch from hell that is trying to destroy you. Okay. Even with all the shit that you're going through, she doesn't she don't give a fuck you know what she tells me what you need it this is what she told me one time I said well I don't have the money and I got about this medication and they told me if I don't take this medication I might die she said well if you're gonna die you

need to be doing more for your son right now. I was like, this bitch does not care. And all, wow. So, you know, it's been a challenge, Bobby. But man, truthfully, man, especially after watching the whole thing cheat, I got everything I'm dealing with. I'm a little inspired. I would actually feel good. Really?

The true man to be honest with you, this is the best I've felt about my standup comedy in about three years, about mine, what I do. Yeah. Dude, I really wish I got to see you, dude, your stuff, because even talking to you in the lobby,

I was like, he's got, he's talking about what's going on and making it funny. That's the best part about Comics to me. Oh man. We take the whole thing is Traction yeah, I love it. I love it. The whole thing is in the translation man the whole thing and You know I actually have found a way which I never could do before in the past. Right. You know, never could do before in the past. So, all right, we're going to wrap this up. Cool. Cool. But what's next, dude? What are you, what are you doing? The next, honestly, man, is my one man play. He's called a trickle of blood. Jesus. Which is basically how I found out. Really? one little simple trickle of blood test is how

All found out every night. Why didn't you go with a trickle of blood out of my cock? Cuz that that was the one thing blood my cock was doing nothing I that would be a benefit. You want to hear something really much? What's up? Because I don't have kidneys? Yes anymore. Yeah, I don't come so when I masturbate there's no cleanup Wait a minute, but you have an orgasm. Yes, that happens. Yes. I have an orgasm, but no nothing comes out You need a gizz devil. No, you don't really yo just air. I can blow a match out with my dick Really, so you got your play coming out when I'm actually I'm working on it now, I'm trying to produce it. We're in the process of, we got several venues in New York, which we're working on.

But man, I'll let you know as soon as I get it up and running. All right, well, this is it, man. Look out for Todd Lynn and his one-man show coming out of trickle-the-back. Yeah, thanks Bobby, man.. You know it's always good. Dude getting the heart to heart with you man. Dude I'm so fucking proud of you. I'm so happy you here. Thanks brother. I really lit up when you walk through the door man and you you're fucking still funny. That's what's fucking the best.

It's just still funny. Thank you brother appreciate that. So I'm making the effort that this shit is a it's always an uphill battle for us. Yeah, it is but you know we picked the hell of a crap Dude, we're still here. Yes, we're still here. I mean, I love you buddy. Love you too, man I'll talk you know y'all keep supporting this damn show Thanks again for listening to another episode of you know What Dude Podcast on GloryholeRadio.com and make sure to check out all the other shows on the Glory Home Network. If you're using the Stitcher app, type in the word Fart when you register. I, Tune Uses, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review.

If you're a real fan of the show and you want to show your support, go to GloryholeRadio.com slash Robert Kelly and hitide la toneta. Ten dólares de un chau de la caja de la caja de 20 dólares me voy a ver mi primera CD, Robert Kelly Live, no en las estaciones de la caja. Si hay preguntas, email me en Robert Kelly en glorijoradio.com.

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