Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Me, Joe D and Hunter's Stew

Episode Date: September 5, 2011

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Hi, this is Dennis Larry and you are listening to the Liffy List tones of Fuck. Hi, this is Dennis. I am doing it. I'm fucking Hi, this is Dennis Larry Hi, this is Dennis Larry and you are listening to the wonderful fabulous incredible Robert Kelly on Fuck what's what's the name? What's you know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did?

You know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did? You know what you did?

You know what you did? You know what you did? And we're back. With you know what dude podcast number of thumbs in and it's me and Jody. We're sitting here on a fucking unspecific day at a unspecific time. Yeah. Fucking doing this podcast. This little fucking engine that could. You know what? What's that pump?

And I'm eating fucking cake. Yeah. Just bad for radio. Bad for radio. I'm bad for fucking ML douchebag on iTunes who didn't like us breathing or smoking Imagine him Imagine me eating cake. I'm just a noise him watch this See you at your chalice once again my chalice. What was that mug called?

That's the one I was making fun of less than the beach street mug. What was it called? Yeah best of the fest best of the fest Yeah, yeah, well, it is like a title out of what, yeah. It's like a title on it. What's it say? It's from a festival. The metal, the gauntlet. I don't know. Wild Bills 2009. Old-fashioned root beer.

It says it on the other side. Not right. The event. This is the roar at the shore. That's what it is. This is the roar at the shore. That's what it is. 2009. Roar at the shore. Yeah. Look at this. Your wife's butter in this cake for you. Hey, hey, don't talk about my wife like that. That's not saying it bad. It's a loaf. Hey, don't talk on the phone.

Don't talk about Bobby like that, Don. Hey, see what I did? I'm talking about Bobby like that you don't want to, uh... I don't want to sit here. I feel kind of weird sometimes hacking the podcast out like, you know, hey, get on it and subscribe and... You know, half of me is like, you know what, dude? You know what, dude? I'm fuck. What's he- Half of me is like, fuck it. You know, let it be. If what we got is what we got, that's what we got.

Right? The other half of me, I see these people that fucking put out a podcast in a day. Right. And it shoots to a fucking number, Uno, Runo. Right. In a fucking day.

And the way that thing works, here's how it works. They're famous. People care. Here's the other way it works. Oh, okay. Is you get people, the daily subscriptions to iTunes. That's what keeps you in the top charts. Right.

How many subscriptions you get per day? New ones, and I think they wipe the slate clean every day. So, you know, we've been in the top 200, and the top 100, we were in for a couple, a month or so over a month. The 200 for around two months a little over two months But we can't seem to break the fucking top 20 never mind the top 10 And fantasy land the top five

We can't seem to get in there and now with all these other podcasts coming out and these famous people with fucking I mean, it's it's just they shoot right to the fucking top. There's no dues paid. There's no fucking It's but then it's like okay, fuck it who gives a shit that what the people that listen? Out of the pe those are those are the fans And they'll fucking tell people, and it will be what it is. Or we can beg for subscriptions like other people do. Bag.

The number ones aren't begging for subscriptions. They are. No, they're doing the same thing. Subscribe, subscribe, subscribe. Make go do this, make sure you do this. Spread, trust me, they're fucking telling people egg all right so then go yeah and I'm doing the same thing yeah it's just not working it's working Bob but you gotta ask yourself who you're doing this for come on Joe go ahead do it a pep talk

talk Joe you're doing it for the fame Bob you're doing it for the fame, Bob? You're doing it for the art. Art, I know the answer. Yeah, art. Art, it must make me choke on my blueberry fucking zucchini cake. Art didn't almost make you choke on that. You almost made you choke on that. That was such a big bite, Jesus Christ. How is it good? It's fucking truly sensational.

Yeah? Yeah, the butter makes the world, honey. Yeah, you could forget about it. Yeah, I admire you, Joe, the butter makes the world honey. Yeah, you would but forget about it Yeah, I admire you Joe because you're a foodie But you've been on a diet You're actually going to the gym and you've been eating healthy. Yeah, healthy for me Which is just not eating sweets and soda and fried shit, that's basically the bulk of it, no sugar. Nymie, a little sugar and some juice.

Right, healthy cereal, but cereal, meaning honey bunches of oats, I'm not eating fucking Captain Crunch, you know what I mean? So, how good is Captain Crunch though? It's great. What's your favorite cereal? A ball time? A ball time. Probably golden grams. Golden grams is deceivingly good. Yeah. I think it's an adult cereal or some type of

middle of the road cereal. But golden grams, but the thing with golden grams, you let them get soggy. They stink when it's dry. And it's fucking sucks. But if you get them right in between soggy and hard It's like Captain Crunch. You get it right in between right? Yeah Captain Crunch to not soggy enough You'll hurt the roof of your mouth. Yeah really bad too. It's fucking sucks eating that hurts like rocks Yeah, it's like cookie crisp another one cookie crisp right in the middle fuck I found cookie crisp down the it has it right at the corner, Deli. I haven't seen it in forever. Yeah, it's hard to find cookie crisp. Those are mini chocolate chip cookies, bro.

Sticulous. Made with some type of chemical that makes it a cereal. Sticulous. Oh, it's ridiculous. It's a, if you look into the bowl and when I eat cereal, I don't fuck around with those little balls. You know, it's like, okay, people who have cereal in the little fucking regular bowl and when I eat cereal, I don't fuck around with those little bowls. You know, it's like, okay, people who have cereal in the little fucking regular bowl and they'll have like one or two, they'll have like two bowls, about two and a half bowls.

Let's go back and get another fuck that. You get that big, tupperware bowl that you mix a cake in and you pour the fucking two and a half bowls in there one shot. It would have spatula. Yeah. You get that big fucking spoon. You pour the milk in just enough, because you don't want, you don't want to have no milk at the end.

Right, you don't want to have too much. I don't mind the milk at the end, I drink it. Oh yeah, you're gonna have enough milk at the end, but not too much. Yeah, I know what you mean. It have just enough. You're gonna have it so the milk peaks out from the fucking cereal.

That's it. It looks like a mountain with like a lake around it. Yeah. Right? Yeah, that's exactly it. That's exactly it. Like it just had it just rained. Just rained.

Just rained. I'll tell you two other great ones. Three, three, four other great ones, cereals, fruity pebbles, great, apple jacks, nice, count-chocular, good. And if you can find it, fucking boobery,

boobery, you can't find it, dude., fucking boobery. Boobery, you can't find it. I can't find it, dude. Nobody has boobery. That shit is good, man. You can't fucking find it, man. Frankenberry either. You can't find those motherfucker. Dude, boobery is hard to find

because they have the boobery fucking marshmallow. Yeah, dude. It's, which is the fucking when you get those because those don't the milk doesn't affect those motherfuckers. I mean it takes a minute for the milk to get to those. Yeah, but they're still good when you crunch into that. Oh, it's like silk on the outside. When the milk kills it, right? It turns it to silk. Yeah, sugar silk. That's a good way to put it. You're right. And then you bite into it and it's crunchy, the texture.

Oh God, on the blueberry. I like it, but you see the apple jacks and the fruity pe- What was it? Did you say fruity pebbles? Fruity pebbles are great. Fruity pebbles are fucking amazing. Yeah. Fruity pebbles are fucking great.

And the one thing that really gets me on the Firdy Pebbles is the fucking color. Yep, it's fun. Yeah, it is fun to look at. And how great is it when they start to congeal? And you get like those clumps. You know what, I'll tell you, a cereal that you're not gonna think is good, but it's good.

It's good. And you would think it wouldn't be good soggy, but I like it soggy Frosted mini-weights you know my friend loves those fucking things. I don't like them And I don't like them because the fruit the wheat part tastes like shit The frosting part It's too sweet. It tastes just like sugar. You know what? I'm fucking. I'm out of line. I'm wrong It's not frosted mini-weaks. What the fuck are the checks things? I'm fucking, I'm out of line. I'm wrong. It's not frosted many weeks. What the fuck are the checks things? I fucked up.

Checks cereal. Checks mix, not checks mix, uh, checks. Yeah, checks was the cereal first. Yeah. But there's, um, yeah, checks. Yeah. Is the cereal that I'm talking about. Yeah. Frosted frosty miniweets. I love, I'll take, I like frosty miniweets. I love frosty miniweets. I like when they get together. like frosting many weeks. I love frosting many weeks. I like when they get together.

It makes like a mash of sweet hay. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Like whenever I was a young and I saw an animal eating hay and I thought it looked like it would taste good or like when you eat grass for your kid. Yeah. I thought it would taste like frosted miniweets.

But I don't like frosted miniweets now, but I mean, I at least thought that's what it would like. Hey, what tastes like? Yeah, they got a little crazy that was Reese's and they started going a little fucking nuts. I'll tell you two cereals that absolutely stink that I was condoned to repeatedly as a kid, thinking, because of the fucking commercials

Corn pops Fuck actually no wait corn pops are all right. They're anti-climactic. I mean you put them in there You bite into them. They have this little sweet. You think they're gonna be better. It's like it's like that Fucking fruity gum, right? You know that fruit gum. What is that called? Fruit Stripes fruit gum. What I tell you about talking on the podcast. Fruit Stripes. I'm glad she was there because I did it What you were talking about. I'm gonna get her a notepad to write shit down. Ha ha. Gonna get her a podcast Fuckin a race aboard. Fruit Stripes taste amazing When you first put it in your mouth the fruit you know what I'm talking about and then two seconds later

It's fucking dead in your mouth. That's that's those those those pops are the same thing I'll tell you cereal it stinks this this one I'm positive fucking stinks sugar smacks Those stunk those fucking things with the I can't remember it was the bear or the frog It's a frog. What was though? And the one the bear head stunk too It's a frog what did the bear or the frog? It's a frog. What was the, and the one the bear head stunk too. It's a, it's a frog. What did the bear have? The bear. I don't know what the bear had.

I think he was sugar smacks. There was a bear that were the blue t-shirt that had something that was just like sugar smacks and they stunk. Not to play. No, that was tiger. What did I say? Shut the f***.

Hey, you got one in, hun. All right, chalk it up and move on. But I'm glad darn that you said Frosted flakes because that's a good cereal. But again, not for a whole box. I've accidentally bought that whole box a few times, and it'll be good. Too much, too much sugar.

It's too much. I will fucking make fried chicken cutlets with frosted flakes. It is good. I've cutlets with frosted flake. It is good. It is good. I've had dawns frosted flake, chicken cutlets. Frosted flake, chicken cutlets. Who would have fucking funcate?

I don't know. That was good. How did you, yes. It's proof of soulmates that you found the one woman on earth that figured out to put frosted flakes on chicken. We know what I got that would be.

This is what happened. I got lucky. And I know a bunch of guys that are married with wives that don't cook or wives that cook but don't like to cook. You know, another mode of pressing the meat with a guy who's with a chick that doesn't a hot a cook or Doesn't like to cook my girl Was it was passed down from her mom her mom liked to cook and her mom taught her how to cook And my wife loves the cook. I mean loves the cook right

She fucking she she she'll fucking she'll whip shit up in a second till. Which is amazing. I want today, I want to bed today for a half hour. I woke up. Turkey burgers with cheese in them. Salad and ribs. What the fuck? You just reminded me of how lonely I am.

I'm sorry. I gotta bet I wake up to still no food. I have to go find it. It's the one of the lowest walks ever when you live alone. You don't have food you're out so you have to go on that food walk because you can't figure out what you want delivered. You have to go searching for God. I remember that I used to have that when I lived up a 97th street. I used to be up a 97th street and you're walking around looking, especially when you don't wanna spend

too much money on something. Yeah. You gotta find that right in the middle type of food. It's usually Chinese. Usually go to the fucking, the old standbys, seven bucks for that lunch menu that they'll give you even though it's dinner time

because they know you. Right. Yeah. The usual, hey, match, give me the usual. The, uh, match. What kind of a, who named match works in a Chinese restaurant? I don't know. I got it. You threw an attack in him in for a Chinese restaurant. Here's the thing I have two Foodie friends I have many foodie friends, but I have two whose wives

Really cook some shit up. It's you and Dawn, right? Well, not me. It's Dawn Dawn. Yeah, there's a thing though. I cook I can't cook You know the big cook. No, I'm I used to cook a lot in LA I can't cook. You're not a bad cook. No, I used to cook a lot in LA. Don't fucking laugh. It's just when I cook. You're not a bad cook.

I cook. I'm very experimental. I, you know, like she don't, this is the fucking problem. You ready? The food I get in this house is run by the government of fucking dawn, all right? And it should be. There's no voting, OK? And most of the time, 99% of the time, is run by the government of fucking dawn. All right. And it should be.

There's no voting. Okay, and most of the time, 99% of the time, I'm all right with that. But there's certain things that I like that we don't get in this fucking house, which bugs me. When she makes Hunter stew to the layman, chicken cacciatore.

Thank you. She makes it worse. Because it bothers me when you say Hunter stew. I know know that every time it irritates me. It's irritating. That's why I say it. Hunter's that's the Shut up. That's the fucking chicken and Grook tomato sauce. No, it's not. It's a lot. There's a room. You need to make a room. This is the thing. She wouldn't make it. She won't make it with the bone and chicken Which is a hunter stew is made with bone and chicken any fucking

Italian worth worth their salt is making fucking chicken catchatory with the fucking shut up Don shut your face What the fuck I'm gonna fucking it's not even a joke! Shut up! Just shut your face! She's making a good point. She's making a good point.

You're mouth too, Joe. See? See? This is the thing. What I'm saying is, it's every recipe on the internet, every recipe out there, is you make it with the bone in chicken. Right. She makes it with boneless chicken because she doesn't like bone in the chicken.

Right. So she makes it with the, but that's all the flavor, Joe. So I had to go to the store one day. Because the problem is, hold on, here's the problem. She's so into this the problem. The problem. She's so into this right now. The problem. She wants in, Joe.

She wants me to plug in a third mic, and she wants to sit in on this. Here's the problem. The problem is, I'll say the problem. Is that my wife is fucking trying to chime in, and you have fucking taken her side. Do all of this, here's the point. The problem isn't the bones.

The flavor's not the bones. The flavor is when you're doing the bone in chicken, you're use in dark meat and you can't find dark meat cutlets anywhere. You can't find dark meat bone, I mean you can but it's hard to find. So, it's not true. When Don's making it she's probably making it with chicken breast meat and white meat ain't gonna flavor shit. Yeah. And it's fucking sauce unless it's pork. Right, you need to chicken ain't gonna flavor anything. No it's pork. Right, you need to check it in, you ain't gonna flavor anything. No, it's not.

I mean, she can, her chicken catchatory is really good. She's great. She flavors it well on the other end, which spice isn't stuff like that. But the fat, okay, the fat you need, the fat content from the bone in, from that dark meat, from that skin, from all that fatty goodness is what gives chicken

catchatory its fucking flavor. So she made me, this is what she made me do. She made me go, you see as you want bone and chicken, go make it yourself. So you're not gonna threaten me. You're not gonna threaten me. What do you think? This is her goal in life.

Her goal is to make me hairy by plucking hair on my body, like my ear hair and certain hairs that I didn't have a problem with, but in all of a sudden now I do because she's been plucking them for the last 10 years. And now it grows out of my fucking ear like a hobbit, okay? And she wants to make me helpless. So I don't know what to do. I can't survive without her.

I can't cook. I don't know how to do anything I can't survive without her. I can't cook. I don't know how to do anything. I can't, if Don left me, she left for two days, like a month ago, this house was a disaster. Yeah, I saw it. Wow, I saw it. It was, I mean, seriously.

Yeah, I'm a child. Yeah, I don't know how you, but that's the way she... I saw that I was like, how did he get this far in his life? But that's not... I would have got father if she wasn't around. You just had father, which I think was a 40-in-slip. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha is that I went out, I went to the grocery store, I grabbed the fucking guy at the store, I got you know how to make chicken catch story,

he called his mother, his old Italian mother, and put me on the cell phone with him at the store, put me on the cell phone with her, and she told me exactly what to buy, and exactly what she said, bone in chicken. I said not boneless, right? No, no flavor, bone in, if you wanna take the not bonus, right? No, no flavor.

Bone in, if you want to take the bones out after, go ahead. But bone in chicken. Right. I came home, I made a hunter stew to fucking die for. I ate some of it. Don, how was that still? Really? Really?

That's it? She got you good. Fuck you. She got you good. Fuck you. She got you good. It was good. I ate some of it. I'm not going to leave you hanging on this because as much as I would like to smash in some way or whatever, it was a great fucking chicken catch tour. Was it good?

Big mushrooms, big onions, peppers, spicy a little bit. It was very good. Yeah. Now let me just say this about you and my other friend who are very close friends of mine and both foodies. Okay. My buddy that I'm in the band with lives in Atlanta. What's the band's name just for people to know?

It's called Funeral in the Mirror. If you want to check it out, it's on iTunes. Thank you. And what else did you band do? Oh, when we wrote the music, all the music for our film cheat. And what else? I don't know what the last thing is. What else? What the fuck, and you know what, dude?

Oh, and you know what, dude. Yes. Really? That's true. That's true. For the song. Sorry. Yes. Yes. I forgot, because I did that one on my own, but I gave the band credit for it. But let me just take credit while I'm here by myself. There you go. So listen, FYI, I got another fucking call from Bill today, Pocket Dial. Oh, I love it. He would I go down to Atlanta to record with him.

One of the things we do is we hit all our spots and we pick the fuck out together. And we like gear up for it. It's like dude I'm not eating any shit for a week and a half because I'm getting ready for you. As soon as they get off the plane, we go first stop every time KFC Taco Bell split and we just fucking go crazy. That's not a bit that's not Atlanta. No, I'm just saying that's one of our spots. We hit our spots, you know? But Dawn, your wife and his wife, Jessica, are the only two women married to foodie friends of mine that when they say, I'm going to cook, you guys don't have to go out and eat, I'm actually equally as excited about it.

Yeah. Usually if I'm with my buddy and his wife goes, well, she's gonna cook, I go, I just want to go out and have fun food with my friend. You're both of your wives. Dude, she makes these chicken enchiladas, everything I go down there. It's like, she max again?

No. Oh. She's as white as you could be. She makes these fucking chicken enchiladas, dude. It's just, I mean, it's chicken cheese, peppers, and cheese sauce. Wow. But it tastes like, I can't even, they're so fucking good. Everything she makes is retardedly fucking good. I have to say this too, you know, my wife,

everything she makes is fucking, I mean, from the cutlets, to the meatloaf, to the roast beef, to the pork loin, to, I mean, everything she fucking, and you know, nothing makes me happier when she's thumbing through some fucking thick, broad magazine, and I know she's looking at recipes, and then I see her going the kitchen and check for certain ingredients like even tonight I

See her fucking humming around the kitchen and she's like I got to go to the store And I'm like for what I got to get some I got to get some ingredients. I know She wants to make something. She's got something she wants to go and fucking beg something or make something Oh, I get so excited I'm like don't tell me don't tell me. I don't want to know I just want to come home and have it be a surprise and She'll fucking whip shit up, but it's fucked up my mom It's fucked up your mom Well, it's fucked up my family cooking, you know because I grew up with my family food

my mom and my step-dad laugh and they cook but My wife, you know, I'm my wife's food, you know, I don't you know, I like my wife's food You know what I mean? Yeah, so it's like now nothing really compares to what my wife eats like I can't you can't go out and buy what she makes I thought to what my wife eats. Like, I can't, you can't go out and buy what she makes. I thought, I thought my mom was gonna throw a fucking glass at my head. Because you're not a real son. Wait. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's so funny dude, side note, my friend Brian. He's such a dick dude, but he's one of the funniest guys

in the fucking world. And he used to go, I'd be on the phone with him. I'd be like, dude, I gotta go, dude, I gotta eat dinner with my parents. And here we go. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh are adopted. Yeah, I am adopted. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah, I think everybody listening to this probably knows by now I would think.

Well, if we ever talked about it. Yeah, I'm adopted, so, you know. Well, don't say it like it's blow it off. It's a pretty big thing. It really doesn't matter to me, dude. I don't think about it. When were you adopted? At nine days old, it's like, you know, it's so,

really, they got a baby huh? Yeah it's hard to do to get a baby. Very hard to do. Very very hard to do. They got you in Philly. Yes. Really? Yeah. Did you you know that you were like born in Philly? Yeah you know I can't remember the name of it because I take no steak and any of this shit and I never remember things, but they know the hospital I was born in, which is kind of a fucking no-no when you adopt a kid. They really shouldn't tell you what hospital

he was born at. It makes it pretty easy to go and track down the parents, you know. The Arab parents you have? Half one was Arab. One was Arab. How did you know that? They told my parents. And one was Arab. How did you know that they told my parents and one was Italian? Yeah

But they didn't tell which was which I mean they really left clues like the way the Joker would leave clues You know, I mean like that's like these obvious like that. So it was like they wanted to get caught or something You know, well your Egyptian right half yeah half Egyptian yeah So when all that shit went down in Egypt, did you have anything? I mean, obviously I was like interested. It was an interesting news story,

and I was like, well, I'm part of Egyptian. That's very interesting, but I don't really have any, I have no ties to it, man. I just, I wasn't raised in any sense, in any way, in any capacity of an Arab upbringing at all. I didn't know any Arab people at all until I was in college. I knew one kid, I think his name was Wegby and he was an Egyptian kid. He was literally the first Arab person I ever met in my life. I'm sure I probably met some just in passing at a store or something like that, but like

He was literally the first Arab person I ever knew. Do you think your parents are fucking like the generations? My biological parents. I don't know. I know. I mean, you ever think about it? You ever think like, yeah. Are they middle class? Are they fucking dirt balls?

Are they broken up? Or maybe they fucking millionaires? Yeah, I've thought about that. My theory was always just that they probably came here and probably didn't have a lot of money and fucked up and got pregnant and tried to do the right thing. Did they make money off of selling you? To white people? Yeah, they did, right? Yeah, it was an auction.

So how much did you go for? I think it was $1,000 and I dollars and a beta max. Really? Yeah, I don't, I mean, look, the reason that that's my theory is I don't know what the abortion laws in the 70s were in Pennsylvania, but I would think that if they were scumbags or pieces of shit, they wouldn't have gone through the adoption process. They would have kept me and raised me in a bad way Or they would have aborted. I'll tell you right now. Was your mother the Egyptian one? They didn't tell my parents

If your mother was the Egyptian one, that's why you got ready. Yeah Because it's shame. Yeah, well she married an Italian guy or was with an Italian guy and right was having a half breed like you Right and couldn't have it. So it's easier to go, you know, probably didn't want to kill you, but couldn't have you fucking hangin' around the family. Right. Because maybe out of wedlock or something creepy like that, and then that, you know, we just give them up.

And the money's a thousand dollars in the beta max. Right, it's crazy, dude. It's pretty crazy when you stop and think about it. But I don't know. Who fucking knows, dude? I've thought about it sometimes. I don't dwell on it. I definitely have sub-conscious issues because of it

that I've had to deal with in recent years. That I never knew were there by But those come as much from just my upbringing With my parents is anything that was as much nurture as as nature so it's you know But it does you do carry a few things there is like an abandoned min issue that you that you have Maybe not everybody, but I definitely have it. So that's something to deal with. And then on top of it, my parents, excuse me, were excellent parents,

and they're the best people in the world. But they couldn't have kids, dude. They couldn't have kids. Was it your dad or your mom? My mom got pregnant once or twice, and I believe, I think she might have gotten pregnant and Possibly at a miscarriage, but she doesn't did it come out like a stone baby like a fossil baby What's that mean?

You never heard about that no There's this sometimes when we get pregnant and the fucking baby fossilizes and the The uterus well it comes out like a fucking rock. Yeah, I don't think that that. Like it was hit by a volcano in Pompeii. I don't think that happened. We've never really talked about it at length, you know? But just given like when I get the sense that that probably was the case,

but she's always just said we couldn't have children. Right. So, when she said that, that she fucking like, do googly eyes over your dad and sit in a chair. We, we couldn't have children. And then fucking point over at him. Yeah, just a, yeah, I had not over. Made a fucking, just took her index finger and made a limp. Oh, Jesus. Can you please? All right. Sorry. Um, yeah. No. So I I don't know. They were just, it wasn't a compatibility thing, I think. So they couldn't have kids.

So when you can't, you know what I stand to, when you come from this Catholic crazy Catholic up, not crazy meaning mental, I just mean like stern Catholic upbringing that they came from, and they come from the baby boomer generation. The whole goal was like, you go to work, you get married, you have a family, you provide for that family. That was talking to my friend Yannis about this, who's a Yannis pop, it's really funny

comic, if you can never check him out, check him out. But we were talking about this, and we were talking about our dads growing up, and I go, you know, I go, dude, we were fucking broke at times and I never knew it. I never knew how broke we were at times. My dad hid that from us. He never let me see that. And the honest was like, that's fucking amazing. Isn't I go, it is amazing. And he goes, I couldn't do that. We couldn't do that. They were such better men than we were. And I was like, you know what dude? do that. They were such better men than we were. And I was like, you know what, dude, in some senses, yeah, they were stronger men because it was a different time in era. But in the other sense, providing and providing for and protecting your family to my dad, that was

his comedy. Do you know what I mean? It's like the lashes and beatings I've taken from comedy and the emotional endurance I've had to have. That's what he had, except his goal was my family. It was a whole different ball game. Well, dude, I used to have this joke of my act out there, not making men anymore, they're making guys. Right. And because there's too much fun shit to do now,

there's too much fun fucked up shit. I mean, it's grown men playing we. Right. You know, Xbox and fucking TVs and, you know, iPhones and iPads and games and fucking apps and, you know, my grandfather, I say, my grandfather was a man. He'd come home sitting at chair with a lamp. That's it. Come on, sit in the fucking chair. Hit three channels to watch TV. Read a fucking book. And you go to bed at 10 o'clock. Does he had to wake up at 5 o'clock, at 5.30 to go to work? Right. Well, it's funny though, that I think every guy's got a little of that function. I remember when Nintendo came out the first Nintendo and

I remember was Christmas time. I got this stupid laser tag game ripoff game called photon for Christmas and it just sucked I wanted it But then we got it and I was playing with it And it just sucked and my dad could see that it sucked and it was like my big present and I remember he was like It was the day after Christmas. He's like you want to take You want to take photon back and get an Nintendo And like do my head almost flew off my fucking body. I just like I never thought he would let me have it

And I was like yeah, huh? And we got it and I remember for like two months my dad would come home with Nintendo games He was like excited. Yeah, I got this game. This is looks cool and he would play it with me Well, that's well, I'll tell you a little story about my childhood My my second step dad because my first father I Didn't know right when I was a kid. I didn't get to see on Christmas. I Remember my second step dad, got me an electronic truck. Doing all the nice big ones that remote control and you know the two thumb

fucking moving gears and you antenna and I can't tell you how excited I was. I got this fucking remote control truck. Unbelievable. Flies. Not the little shit one. The fucking legit one. Yeah, the model shop one. The fucking radio shack one. The fucking, the one you get that flies, that big wheels and, you know, could go down the street

and back. Right. And the antenna was fucking huge. Right. And he got it and I played with it for a couple of times. And then, you know, I didn't really know what I was doing. You know, let me teach you. Let me show you how to do this.

Let me just show you. You're gonna, you're gonna fucking break it. You're gonna fucking break it, idiot. Let me see. And you go, this is what you want to do. And he started playing with it. And then he started having fun with it. And you're not supposed to touch the antennas

together for some reason. And he touched the antennas together and he fucking broke it. Jesus. He broke it. Very Christmas. And then he blamed me. Merry Christmas. Yeah. Mocha up, kid. Merry Christmas. Yeah. You woke him up, kid. Ha ha ha ha. And that, yeah. That's the Christmas I had.

Those are the Christmas's I had, Joe. And then my mother moved out finally, and we moved into a two bedroom. Me and my sister and my mom, my mom had to sleep on the living room floor. That was her bed. And I remember coming home in big nights where she would have cheese and crackers.

Or she made cream a tuna, which was tuna fish, with cream a mushroom soup of a white rice, with frozen peas, and a glass of water. What's the name of this one-man show you're performing right now? Well, it's so funny to hear you talk about your dad going, you want to get an

Nintendo? Yeah, and then you go getting Nintendo and he buys games and a little adopted Egyptian, you motherfucker. They were happy that they had a kid. Because they, you know, that was it, did it had a kid. Oh. Because that was it, did it. It was a miracle. That's where it bugs me like about your birthday parties. Why? Well, because I never had a really,

I had birthday parties growing up, but I never had friends over. My mother threw one party for me when I was young. I think it was a sixth grade, a fourth grade, a fifth grade, we were in there. And I remember something happened and I started crying. My kids do on their birthday, you know,

in fourth of fifth grade, kid might get a little disappointed or something or as self-esteem might get fucked up. Right. And they yelled at me and made me go, that's it, party over. I'm ever sitting on the stairs crying because my party was over because my feelings got hurt. Instead of fucking, you know, cuddling me, like you probably got cuddled.

No, I got, my parents smacked me around when I was a little bit more. I didn't say they smacked me around, I'm just saying that, you know. No, but I'm saying I got, trust me, dude. They take away your fucking birthday. Uh, no, my mom wouldn't think twice about sending me up on a special occasion if I was acting up. She wasn't, she didn't, she didn't pussy me. Well, I never really had birthday parties.

No friends over. Nobody ever came to my parties. I never had one of those. Jesus, Bob. And now you, you know, you throw these fucking shing things every year for yourself. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. I try to make this very clear when I do this every year.

I'm not throwing a shindig to celebrate me or come out and be with me. Yeah, you are. No, this is what I'm doing. All I thought was shing. From everybody at the party that night, because you can't come out for your friends birthday party First of all one person gave you shit. It was Andy Levy or no I was there and and this girl of course Morgan Murphy tweeted it of course. It was hilarious. It was hilarious. Here's the thing dude

It's not I don't do that to be like let's celebrate my birthday. Oh, I do that because I am a fan of a drink you know that It's a one it's one night in the year outside of maybe Christmas where I could conceivably call Up everybody I like having a good time with and try to get them all together in one spot And we all fucking have a bunch of drinks and I Like it is dude. I would do it on the I did it on the 4th of July at my apartment with some friends I Do it you do it every year. I try to do it a Christmas if I can you do it every year You throw yourself a birthday party you invite the industry oh god and some you invite everybody Okay, and they all come down and celebrate Joe

No, they don't everybody okay and they all come down and celebrate Joe. No they don't. They come down and get shit face. No they're there for you to celebrate your birthday. We to be with you and buy you drinks and happy birthday. No, I don't think. Did anybody sing happy birthday? No.

Did anybody say happy birthday? A couple people they show up. Hey dude, have a word. Thanks for coming. Just a drink. And for your advice and Anthony and Andy Levy can both attest to this they walked in and go Derocha. What do you want? Let's get you a drink. I said fuck that. I'm gonna buy let me buy around. No, I don't give a fuck it's not about that. We're here to have a good time. What do you guys want? I watch you

the fucking night in shining armor. It's fucking you know, it's just fun, dude It any occasion to get people together to have a good time. Let's fucking do it. All right, fuck it god damn Amaga Ritaville who you fucking the fuck away from it. It's a good time. No, you stink. It's a good time Really do you go to Sammy Hagar concerts too? What does that mean? I just a good time time. Really? Do you go to Sammy Hagar concerts too? What's it that made? Just a good time. No, I don't like Sammy Hagar. Anyways, all right, let's move on from this. You know another time I do it? When? If my favorite band, Bad Religion, they come around every couple of years, maybe every other year. Every time they come around, I call my buddies from home, I go, dude, I'm buying the the tickets get your asses to New York And we go out and we have a fucking party night

It's just it's an event. How come I how come you've never thrown a party for me How come you never had a bob Kelly night because this was in all honesty This was the first year that we were close enough that I would have conceivably done that and your wife did it and I would do that in a second for you next year. In a second, dude. And don't think I didn't have a million secret goddamn conversations with Dawn about that fucking party. Did I not, Dawn?

Can you, thank you. That was gonna be the best party ever. That was gonna blow every party out of it. It was a great party. It was a great party, but the original party was 100 people, a fucking burlesque dancer, fucking food, and friends, and the poker machines, and blackjack tables, and fucking magic.

Do it next year, and print out the, that it doesn't get rated. After you just announced that illegal operation, you're gonna have to die. You're Somebody doesn't die Jesus I'm gonna just say it the uh what it's what I mean come on Really God really boy really it was with that party was wonderful Are you know what His party. Hang on one second. I was just handed it a note

by my wife and I'm glad you handed me a note. Is that Jimmy Ionoozy? Yeah. He's in critical, you kiddin' me. No. Who's Jimmy Ionoozy? Look it. Oh my god. This is fucked up. That's Jimmy I.A. Newsie? Look at it. Oh my God. This is fucked up. That's the car. And then wait a minute. He got to know a fucking, Jimmy I. Newsie's a friend of mine. That's terrible. He's a comic. When we all started out, me, Dane, or, you know, an Al,

and he used to do comedy and he ran a room at the silver fox. It was like a Italian fucking supper club type place. I think I've heard you guys talk about that place. I used to do comedy there and he was a friend of mine. Good guy, you know, well connected. Right. Let's put it that way.

And he got into a car accident. Yeah, he's in critical condition due to a three car crash by a woman that hit a bear and fucking the Hampshire Was it main Jesus? Oh my god. She showed me a picture of it, too. It's terrible. Yeah, Jesus that sucks Oh, well, then who gives a fuck? It's gonna be all right. I don't know them Right He's alright though. All right, I can't move it on Stuff like that freaks me out No, you fucking fucking, here you are, but that's shit again.

See now you fucked them up about driving a car. This guy fucking walks around the streets thinking something's gonna fall in his head. He's gonna have a heart attack. Some fucking lesion's gonna pop in his brain. Now he's not gonna be able to rent the car and drive because he's gonna hit a bear. Here's why, when it's your time, it's your time,

that's so scary to me dude that there's no rhyme or reason you can go through life and be as careful as you want to be it doesn't matter dude when when it's time it's a fucking have a piece of cake fatso. No. No. What do you want to you want to die healthy? I don't know. I want to I want to just for once look at the mirror and feel decent. I was with a girl recently and she felt my arm and she went, when did you start getting a little buff? Really? And I was like, ooh.

But who she dated before you, Dan Natiman? Ha ha ha. She was dating Danny Lubell. And uh. Ha ha ha ha. Well, I'm joking by the way, Danny. It be you. I mean, I only started thinking about death in the last year after Mike Deastofano passed away.

Yeah. And Greg Gerardo passed away. I mean, Greg passed away, fucking horrific, you know, especially me being a recovering alcoholic and drug addict that, you know, to know how I've been there, I've been where you can't let go of it. And I was there at a young age, and it makes me so grateful that I got out of it, you know, somehow God lifted me out of that.

And I know you don't believe in God, but, you know, I got lifted out of that and put into, you know, it just, I was done. But, you know, that was terrible. But Mike D really fucked me up because, you know, Mike D. Stefano, you know, I really like Mike D. I, you know, he had his, you know, like all of us. We're all fucking sociopaths. We're all fucking ego maniacs. But I think in general comics, when it comes down to it, we are there for each other.

We have some type of bond. We get how fucking hard it is for us to make our way in this business, you know, because, you know, actors and musicians, it's a different realm, you know, we're fucked up, we'd look down upon. Well, comedy is a dysfunctional brotherhood where we're all fucked up. Yeah.

We all kind of do shitty stuff to each other. We let our egos get in the way. We do things that we treat each other in ways that we shouldn't. We also treat each other very well. But it's one of those things where at the end of the day, it's like guys in a barracks. The guys in the fucking barracks might fuck with each other and argue and go through their shit, but as soon as the enemies incite, it's like, I got your fucking back.

That's the way it is with comedy. It's like, if anybody fucked with one of us, everybody's got, you know, we all got each other's back. Yeah, I mean, you know, look, Mike D, you know, I remember when he, he middleed for me years ago at the stress factory and he was just, you know, just pitching and moaning about how do I do this and these people won't give me a shot, you know, Bobby, they fucking, you know, and it's just like, dude, just keep doing it, just stop, just keep doing it, keep trying, don't worry about it, but

I know, but these fucking assholes and, you know, and that's, it's what my D was my D. You know, he could be annoying sometimes because, you know, it was always about my D. You know, I got this and this guy loves me and these people love me and blah, blah, blah. It's like, alright, everybody fucking loves your mic. But he was a real genuine guy and he helped a lot of people. And, you know, I, you know, talking to him days before that happened about how healthy he was and how everything's going so good. And, you know, I was really happy for him for the last comic standing. And, you know, you know, he, he was a hustler. He was a real hustler.

And then the fucking go like that, then I started fucking worrying about it. That's my point, dude. It's when it's up, it's up. You hear about somebody dying, right? And if you can sit there and go like, what just happened to your friend, right? Now it sounds like he's gonna be okay, which is great.

But it's like, you hear about somebody getting a little hard, a car crash like that. And then the first question every time is, was he drunk? Was the other person drunk, whatever. And then when you hear, no, nobody was drunk. Somebody hit a fucking bear that ran out in the road.

He's swerved to try to protect himself and crash. That's fucking scary. I've been in car accident. Have you been in a car accident? Yeah. It's fucked up. How fast it goes down. I've been in car accidents. Have you been in a car accident? Yeah. It's fucked up. How fast it goes down.

How fast it goes down. How one second of not looking or something. And then all of a sudden you're fucking banged up, bleeding on the side of the road and your car is totaled. And it's like, what the fuck just happened? You're in shock. And imagine waking up, you know, the next day, a week's later in the hospital, you know.

You have, yeah, dude, it's, it's, dude, when I drive alone, if I don't have like, I got a musigone shit, if I don't, and I start letting my mind drift a little bit, I start, I will have flashes of horrible car crashes in my head. I have flashes of horrible car crashes all the time. When I'm in a car, I always have flashes of wrecking the car. I have that on planes.

When we take off, when we land, I have flashes, just flashes of horrible accidents, what I would do. I have flashes of falling out of the plane, like getting sucked out of the plane, and falling to the ground, and that quiet, like looking up at a plane, then you're outside of it. I don't know why that would make you laugh.

Just the visual of you flying through the air, waving your arms around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude, it's scary shit, man. It's, you know, look, I'll tell you what, man, here's one for you. Tell me what, Joe. I will.

And here it is. When my uncle died last year, it fucked me up. And my aunt too, my aunt died from breast cancer. That spread, okay? She fucking beat this cancer two or three times or went into remission and the whole family was like, Annie is gonna be okay, she's doing great. And then it came back swinging and then it would go away

again. So that was like, what the fuck man? Like she had no control over that. It was nothing she did, right? It was just life. And with my uncle, dude, my uncle for years smoked three to four packs of cigarettes a day, camel non-filters. All right, he was a big computer sales guy in the 80s. He worked on Wall Street. You know what I mean? He was just one of those fucking move-ershaker guys.

He got in when the boom happened. Yeah. And did all, and fucking smoked, smoked, smoked. Ended up dying, cancer all through his body, predominately in his lungs, not related to smoking. He had melanoma when he was in his 20s, it went away. He had a physical accident when he was in his 50s that temporarily paralyzed him. And the doctor said when that was in his fifties that temporarily paralyzed him and the doctor said when that happened his body, the state of shock that his body was in allowed the melanoma to come out of its dormancy and metastasize and spread

and attack his body in a way that it couldn't have done before because his body was so vulnerable. It's like dude, here's a guy that smoked like a fucking chimney and died from lung cancer essentially, but the lung cancer wasn't from smoking. That's that fucking spun me in circles where I was just like, but he is the thing though, right? Is that, you know, I mean, those deaths are terrible. I'm not taking any away from people dying of disease. I'm talking about like, De Stefano was here one second and gone the next. That's fucked up to me.

That we don't make her shit. That shit where your brain pops open and an aneurysm and you're just gone. You know, you're on a plane and then all of a sudden you land and you're dead because you had an aneurysm Or you know you like what happened to him. You just had a heart attack I mean that's the type of shit that's like holy fuck Like what the fuck and you know they people say you're gonna live every day like it's your last and all that That's easier said than done horse shit. Of course it is. That's fucking ways you said than done

You live every day like it's your last and fucking paranoia, fear, doubt and insecurity, fucking trying to fight, not to fucking just sleep all day. I mean, that's surviving. That's life. And you really can just, you can really just convince yourself that you're okay when you're not okay, but through distraction.

That's... Well, I mean, even, look, even guys that listen to this fucking podcast, man, I mean, you know, you get these emails from you, man, you got me through the day or blah, blah, blah, that, you know, there's people out there right now just, just depressed, sad, fucked up, fat, lonely, scared, unsatisfied,

and it's, you know, just like me and you. I mean, we're the same way. You know, we have to pep each other up every fucking other day, you know, and we're living our fucking dreams. But it's, you know, it's, you know, that's what I was in Utah the other day and I'm doing these shows

and usually I'll go in and you do the shows. You know, you's what I was in Utah the other day, and I'm doing these shows, and usually I'll go in and you do the shows. You sit around your fucking hotel all day, you get some food, try to write some shit, whatever, watch some TV, you fucking take a nap, you do your shows, you hang out a little bit after you go back to the hotel and repeat. That's like the other day where I went,

I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna go rent the fucking car, I'm gonna go to a fly shop, I'm gonna rent the gear, I'm gonna go rent the fucking car. I'm gonna go to a fly shop. I'm gonna rent the gear. I'm gonna get directions. I'm gonna go somewhere I don't know where the fuck I'm going. I'm gonna pull the car over. Or I don't know if I'm pulling it over the right place. I'm gonna go on a river.

And I'm gonna fucking fish. It was at the best time? No, I fucking slipped in the water. I lost every other fucking fly. You know, I got hooked in a water. I lost every other fucking fly You know got hooked in a bush. I was tangled more times than I was in the fucking water right on tying shit and but I it was like I I didn't just I was afraid of going I didn't want to go because I was scared of Rent in a car and that's and then going and I don't know where I because I was scared of rent in a car and that's, and then going and,

I don't know where I'm going and going by myself and I'm not a really great fly fisherman so I don't really know what I'm doing 100%. And it was like, you know, I talked to Don, it's just just fucking go. Just do it. I mean, I think that's what life is about. Is, you know, look, you're gonna be fat in depressed

or fucking lonely or sad or smoking or doing bad shit or sit there, you know, look, you're gonna be fat and depressed or fucking lonely or sad or Smoking or doing bad shit or sit there. You don't want to do at any given time of your life I think there's only a few people that I know that kind of have it down and I don't think they do either You know, there's people I know that do you just so I go to the gym. I work out. I eat right I you know, I do this I I to the gym, I work out, I eat, write, I, you know, I do this, I fucking, you know, I take classes, I do what I want to do, and you look at them like they're perfect, but they're really not, because they have flaws too. You see them a couple years later, it's like, oh, I thought you never wanted to get married,

and all of a sudden they're fucking married. It's like, oh, you changed your mind, you met somebody you love. Last time I talked to you, I was married, and you were like, ah, fuck that. And you made me feel fucked up about being married. Maybe I should, but then you gotta go, ah, fuck, this is what I like doing. And then, you know, I think this,

I'm a little fucking going off a little bit here, but off topic, but what my point is, is that you gotta just go do shit. You gotta walk up to the shit you're afraid of. That's what I think is the most important part of life is walking straight up to the shit you're scared of. You know, people say all the time, I was thinking to do a comedy, go do it.

You're talking to me because you're afraid of it. You want me to give you some type of advice that will motivate you to do it. Just go do it. Walk up to the thing you're afraid of. If you're afraid of whatever little or big, you to do it. Just go do it. Walk up to the thing you're afraid of. If you're afraid of how ever little or big, just go do it. Just go fucking do it. You know, like you went her nefee was here. The intrepid's down the street for my house for fucking 10 years. I've never been to it. You know, because it's like, ah, maybe it's a half,

so I don't know. But I'm like, fuck it. let's just go. Just stop, just do it, go. We went down, it was fucking one of the best things I've ever done. It's two blocks away from my house. Right. It was amazing. It takes traveling a lot of the time to get you out to do these things

that are right under your nose. You know, I noticed that. When I travel, all of a sudden, I'll be like, you know, San Frans a great example. When I'm in San Francisco I've spots in San Francisco that I love. There are record shops there that I really love. There's some sandwich shops that I love and and some book shops and stuff and it's like I'll go to San Fran and I'll walk the town for a whole fucking day, dude. When I have two, 45 to 55 minute shows,

I gotta do that night. I mean, here, if I have two 10 minute spots or 15 minute spots, I'm like, I gotta get back and I gotta take a nap and I gotta rest, cause you know, I go there, I'll walk around the whole day and I'll go into like the Italian shop that I love there. And'll walk around the whole day and I'll go into the Italian shop that I love there. And I talk to the guys and I'll go to the record store. Hey dude, what's up?

I'm thinking about buying this. Have you heard this? Yeah, is it good? Yeah, I like this album. Is it like that? I'll talk to people. I like that. I like that you just did the whole play for you

in both parts. I like this. Yeah, it's good. Who are you both guys? You's good who you're both guys But you know I'll do that I'm sitting there going why don't I why don't I connect like this at home I should it's funny Do when I was in San Antonio But I did the same we were in San Fran last time we did we were in rented bikes and fucking Peddled over the Golden Gate Bridge and took a boat back and we did every fucking day We did some I went to I got a meat cone down at the fucking time. I mean, I mean I love San Francisco

It's a great city some place is easier than other the do shit, you know like you know Some place like Cleveland. It's I was a Cleveland last time right I actually went to a museum Right, I found a museum and I found out all the history about Cleveland. It was pretty fucking amazing. Cleveland was the shit. I found out the hotel I stayed and was the first indoor mall in America. You know, it's like you stayed at this I stood at this hotel before. I didn't know that. And then you're looking around and all of a sudden you look at the ground and that the steps these fucking slabs of marble that were put here a hundred

years ago are worn out because this was the first mall in America right and people walk and walking on these steps for a hundred years and the atoms have worn out of the fucking the marble marble from people just walking over it. And you start looking like, oh my God, the fucking people that have been, the times that have been in this place, this place used to be holy shit. Now it's cheesy and a little fucked up,

but it's like, wow, so I mean, it's, even when you go to shit places, the Samfranzen easy town to fucking get around Utah, another one, you can go up to the mountains and stuff like that. New York City, blah, blah, blah, but, you know, these, every place you go to, there's something to fucking do. Me and Don went to North Carolina and went fucking Emerald Mining, which turned out to be horse shit, by the way.

Yeah, I know, I know, know I know but it was still pretty amazing Well, yeah, it's like it's an experience man, and it's it takes It takes a lot of the time just being out of your element to go do those things. It's they do what I was in San Antonio, right I Fun shows in San Antonio the people are very nice. I was bored out of my fucking mind. There wasn't a lot to do in the part of town I was in and wicked was playing a block from where I was staying. And I got all excited and I'm like, I'm gonna go see fucking wicked. That's gonna be a great day. I'm gonna go see wicked. And did you pop the guys cock out of your mouth when you said that?

No, I kept it in. You kept it in. You just thought it. Yeah, it was, no, I said it, but just with the guy. Okay, I learned how to talk within my mouth right now. I'm just kidding. I saw Wicked too. Well, here's the thing.

I didn't end up getting the C because it was sold out. But I was open in the show every night with making fun of San Antonio. And I was joking, but it's like, this is, there's truth to this. I was like, I was like, I'm so fucking bored that I'm gonna go see Wicked tomorrow. I'm gonna go see Wicked.

Do you guys understand that I've lived in New York City literally two blocks from the real wicked. I've never seen it. I'm gonna go see this shit house road show version of it because I'm so fucking bored. And it's like, but dude, like, now that's a joke, but the honest part, the truth to that is like, yeah, why the fuck have an eye?

On all the Wednesdays, I've laid on my couch all day with doing nothing? And you get free tickets through like, uh, through fucking Apostle or a paradise. Yeah. I could have walked over there and seen a god damper. Every time I've seen a Broadway show, it's blown my mind. I've been like, this is the best entertainment I've ever had. Every time. And I never go. I've never been to the Empire's sampling. I've never been to the Statue of Liberty. Me neither. I don't want to go to that though. I would go to the Empire State Building. It's like it's a fucking schlep.

Okay, here's the part. You go down there, you take a cab, you jump on a ferry, you're at the Statue of Liberty, and this is where fucking Jesus Christ, all the immigrants came and We're on that fucking island. I want to go see Ellis Island more than I want to go to the Statue of Liberty My parents went and they traced their uh they traced their family. I'm glad they did that about them They can't do that for fucking you Jesus Christ fucking selfish bastard

Find out what it's thanks thinks you worship fucking get it together What fucking scumbags? Which is gonna call my parents. I'm sorry they're not scumbags But they go and find out their lineage and they they keep your shit a secret Well, cuz they know if I find out I might take off And then there goes there goes their potential meal ticket. I love it If you found out your dad was a chic, and I mean, just a fucking chic,

and he had an affair with some cheesy Italian filly chick, and fucking, she's gone. Your mom's gone. And she has to be gone. Your real mom in this story had to get killed by the family, the chic family. They found out, they just wound up taking her out.

But he went back over there, he's still heartbroken about it, but he's moved on. But he's a bug-azillionaire. And you heard me bug-azillionaire. I'd be out of comedy so quick. And I'd be one of those socialized douchebag kids. It's always in the papers, fucking up my dad's good name.

Here's what you're gonna do. The first thing you do is grow a mustache. You'd have a mustache in a fucking day. A nice fucking Saddam Hussein mustache. And you'd fucking, you'd have a towel on your head. You'd be back there in a sack. You'd be gone. Pop. Right away. You'd, I, you must pop. I, I, you wouldn't even say pop. You'd just have one tear. Right away. You must pop. You would even say pop.

You'd just have one tear come out of your left eye. You'd go and visit him and just a tear would come out. And he'd go son. And what happened to mom? And he'd bow his head. And you'd grab me. It's okay, Dad. I understand.

I understand. I understand. My grandfather. It's okay, father. I got you a present. And it's. Yeah. It's okay, father. I got you a present and it's a boat. It's a fucking yacht. And it says, Jo D on the back. The SS fuck comedy.

You'd fly. I'd be a little bitch too. You'd fly me into the podcast. The first thing I'd do if he bought me a yacht, was, would be to sell it right into Philly, and just say, fuck you, Keith Robinson, over the horn. Well, you'd have to fly in the wood bridge. Because he doesn't, he's in between fucking Philly

and you're down to Philly, and not let him on my boat. I'm in that fucking leave. That'd be it. You would, you'd be gone. You would you'd fucking you'd be gone You'd be gone you'd be a rich I had it to look if I got a yacht in all honesty The first thing I would I'd pick up all of you guys. I'd be like let's go I

Pick up you guys my parents Everybody you're a mother's I pick up you guys, my parents, everybody. I get new asses. I say, I leave them home and say, I'll be back, I'm just gonna take this for a spin and I would just fucking take off and pick you guys up and we go around the world party. That's it, that'll be the end of it.

That'll be it. That would, why would I even keep doing comedy at that point? That's the goal. Here's the thing, on a serious note. You know, we play the lottery every once in a while, the million, what are the mega million? Millions.

Millions. Millions. We, we play the lottery. And, you know, it's 100, it's 100,000, 200,000, you know, million. And I sit here and I go, if we, did you have a phone out if we won those tickets? We didn't, right?

Oh. How great would it be if this fucking whore? Yeah, we did, we got it. If she was like, yeah, we did win. And she's just keeping it from me just because I never asked. Just teach me a lesson. But if I won a hundred million or whatever, the big fucking, you know, big jackpot, I'd still do comedy.

I'd still write the book. I'd still do the secret project. Of course you're working on. Of course you are. And we can't talk about. I'd still fucking do all that shit. I just wouldn't go to fucking Buffalo or Cleveland. I'd be able to say no to certain places. I'd be able to,

not that I'd go back to Cleveland. I don't think they walk me back, but I wouldn't, and I say that kidding. I love the improv and Cleveland. I love the fans and Cleveland, but and in Buffalo. But I would still do the fucking same shit. I would still do comedy. I would still do everything. I'd be, I'd get a place that was a little better. I'd keep this place. This would be my office. This would just turn into my office. And I would fucking, I don't think a lot would change.

And I know people say that. I know people say that. But I don't think a lot would change. I would still be on the same fucking path. It'd probably be better for me. You would just do what you want to do, dude. If I had that kind of money, I'd just make movies. I would just make the movies I want to make, because the movies I want to make, I could make them for a million dollars, and they'd look great, and they'd be fucking great.

And I would just make movies and try to sell the fucking things. You wouldn't be friends with me anymore. Why? Oh, you'd fucking get some hipster people. You'd fucking become a friends with millionaire friends. Why do you think this? I don't know, I just think it. Maybe I want you to say no, that's not true. It's not. Say it. There are better people I could be hanging out with now. I'm not. Oh, you don't have anybody. There's nobody. There's nobody. Yeah, well then maybe you got a point, but I'm not. Well, it would be, it would just be a fucking goof, dude. It would be, I would do, I would just do what I wanted to do, man. I would do, you can, dude, if you had that kind of money right now

because the whole industry has shifted, technology has shifted, access, capability, everything has shifted on how you can get things done now. You can get it done so much more simply and so much cheaper than you ever could before. If you had a hundred million and you invested it wisely and stuff and you put aside 10 20 million in that money

You could make some serious shit. Yeah, but here's the thing is there's still the the make it factor there's still the Make it on your own merit You know there's still that make it like The way showbiz you're supposed to make it. You're supposed to get a shot and capitalize on that opportunity. And that opportunity does something else.

And then that does something else. It's people that come from nothing that we're playing the lottery. Me and you are playing the fucking lottery right now. I mean, every night we get on stage, we're playing the fucking lottery. Every second we stay in this business. I mean, I was in that audition today. I went in for a voiceover audition.

And I'm in the room and I'm looking around this four good looking girls and one fucking incredibly hot girl. Right. And they're auditioning for some other voiceover and then there's five other dudes in me and I'm looking around the room and everybody was sitting there like, oh my God, this national fucking ad right now could change somebody's life. If someone in this room books this part, their life is gonna change. This is thousands of dollars. They're gonna go from waiting tables

or whatever bullshit they're doing to Being professional in the craft. They're gonna hit the jackpot They're gonna hit the film when it's the jackpot, but it's it would it would alter your life It would alter their life to that to them. It's a jackpot trust me and I'm looking But there was also in this room this fucking depression. It was two worlds colliding. It was two fucking Emotions that this could be it and this but it's probably not gonna be We're playing the fucking lottery if the book if the book goes to number one If our book goes to number one and fucking sells

Millions of copies, it's going to change our lives. If our secret project that we can't talk about works out, it's going to change our lives. Right. And that's the lottery because you can, where were you got to put hard work, you got to fucking, you got to buy the ticket, but it all comes down to one person going, yes. Here's the thing though, it's, yeah, I agree with you.

It is the lottery in a way, but I think that this business, you know, I think it's anything in life, man. I think you're able to enjoy the wonderful opportunities that may come your way and the exceptional things that may happen for you, even though they're few and far between. But I always think anybody on top, anybody that really

cashes in, you can only enjoy to a certain extent, because any type of success to put it into like dating terms or whatever, and then to put it into guy terms. Yeah. You've got to make it happen the way you make it happen with a smoke and hot girl or something. The second, you want it too badly,

or indulging it too much, you lose it. There's got to be that big chunk of you that doesn't give a fuck. And I got to say dude, every single thing I've ever booked in this business, every time I booked a commercial, I was walking into the audition, furious, fuming dude, ready to walk out because I was walking into the audition, furious, fuming, dude, ready to walk out because I was having such a shit day. I didn't want to fucking be there. I was late, it was raining, whatever it was. Something just set me off, and I'm literally sitting there going,

I don't give a fuck, I just want to fucking go home. It's fucking things a half hour late, I've been sitting here, and then I go in with that attitude of, I don't give a shit, and then I nail it, and I get it. Anytime I've gone in, one time, when I went in with that attitude of I don't give a shit and then I nail it and I get it Anytime I've gone in one time when I went in for a Two time when I went in for board to death and wanted for Louis and I ended up booking both those which is great Those were two times when I was really like I really hope I booked this this would be great And I did and it was awesome. Well you're saying two different things

But it's like but I'm saying I'm saying the times I felt that way were so my new compared to the times I didn't and it was awesome. Well you're saying two different things. But I'm saying the times I felt that way were so my new compared to the times I didn't. And it's like the times I killed on stage like really had my best shows ever. Nine times out of 10, I wasn't sitting there going, ooh, ooh, ooh, I gotta get on, I gotta get on. It was me going, it's just a job man, I'm just gonna go out there and do my job.

And you go out and you don't care and then you kill. You know, it's like the set you start caring too much. And I think the enthusiasm out of it. Well, I think too, that's, you know, I think it was Dave Navarro actually said something pretty profound. He said that, you know, people are in this business, whether it be rock and roll or movies or whatever the fuck you're in, people have their eye on the fame and the fortune and not your eye on the actual fucking what your passion is.

Right. It should be all about the passion. And I think even in the last few years it's become more about The work and the passion and what the fuck I want to do than the actual outcome of it, you know because You know when you have your when you're constantly thinking of what you don't have or what you could have You're really not focusing on what you should be doing You know and enjoying life what you should be doing. And enjoying life, because you can be happy at any fucking time.

You can be happy. My mom, me and my sister were happy when we lived in that two bedroom. That was one of the happiest times. We were happy. I was happy living in my grandparents' house with 13 of us in a four bedroom. I was happy.

You're happy growing up without money. You didn't know, you were just happy. You can be happy when you want. That was one thing that hit me in the last few years. And it hit me because I got married too. That I finally, I thought if I got married, I'd be less funny. I thought if I fell in love, I'd be less funny.

It would take away something from me. But it actually gave me something. It gave me the ability not to give a fuck and realize that. You know what? I can enjoy my life, be happy, hanging out, walking, fucking watching a flick, going to dinner, and have a good time. I don't have to wait to get my goals or become famous or have a shitload of money to fucking feel good. Right. You don't have, you can feel good whenever you want. Right. When you're not thinking about what about this, what if this happens? You know, dude, my fondest literally, dude, my fondest comedy memories, and it's not to detract from anything that we're doing now

or that I'm doing now, whatever. I've gotten to do some amazing stuff and I've appreciated every bit of it. And I hope that more of it comes and I hope that it continues to get better. I really do. And I believe that it will. But my fondest comedy memories are,

from when I was starting out, dude. This guy, Paul Sal Salari who was a booker and a comedy teacher and Philly who I really owe a lot to because he gave me my first large chunks of stage time. Did you have a Twitter you want to plug? I don't know to be honest with you. But he still does these shows and you know dude I was I was six months in the comedy and here was a guy that would say I At my comedy graduation class show is for a Saturday night at pockets pool hall You know we turned it into a comedy show for one night

I'll pay you $50 to do a half hour at the end of the show Dude first of all the idea of doing a half hour for $50 was mind blowing to me. I couldn't believe it. And dude, these shows, it'd be me, Mike Vecchione, and a bunch of other guys that you don't know. But we all worked for this guy in Philly. And dude, some of, they were some of my best

comedy memories ever because, dude, the special and trying to sell a TV show or trying to write a book, whatever it was, none of that shit was even in my head. It was just about, I get to do comedy. I wasn't even thinking about anything. It was so carefree and fun and you'd get up and you'd do your set and you talk to girls after you have a few drinks and it was just a goof. But here it is now is that's

what I'm saying is that my point is is that you can have that now too. I didn't realize that that the more responsibility you got the more money you made and all the shit the things you get with that and you know you fucking sit in here being miserable and scared and afraid because you're not where you wanna be or you don't have the money you want and other people have more money than you or more fame and all this shit.

But it's like, fuck it. You can, you know, like me going fly fishing. I had a fucking great time. I did something that I, oh my God, I was in the mountains. You know, we went to fucking North Carolina and dig for emeralds, was bullshit, but we did it. It's a memory, it was a fun time with a couple of friends. You know, you can have a good time and be happy

whenever the fuck you want to be. You don't have to wait for the outcome of your fucking golden life to be happy because you know what? You know what? And not to bring it full circle to end this podcast, which we have to, but because you never know when you're going to fucking die. Right. You never know when you're going to fucking die. Right. You never know when you're gonna fucking die.

You never know when your heart's gonna stop and you're not gonna be here. And people will mourn you, people will be fucking sad, and it will suck, but people forget, and people move the fuck on. It's just, you know, it's just, what is? The majority of people will move the fuck on. The people that were close, you won't.

They'll always remember and always say, but most people will be like, eh, okay. You know, and so fucking be happy, you fucking losers. Ha ha ha. All right. Ah, ha ha ha, there you go. So fucking,

all right, get off the, don't be depressed. Even though you live in a shitty apartment, you don't make a lot of money. You have fucking dirty clothes. You fucking have no girlfriend. She left you. You're overweight. You're sad. You're fucking lonely. Who you know what? You can change all that

All you have to do is fucking be happy put a smile on your dumb face. I have fucking yeah, dude You have fun. It's always a little shit, dude Yeah, this podcast sucked. It was great. No, I'm kidding. It was great. All right. It was a great podcast. I just want to hear you say that. On a high note.

I don't know if you can get much higher. We go out on the high. You want to go out on a high note? Let's go on a high note. Just a quick tech corner thing. Yeah, all right. Tech corner. I love it.

And this is something simple. And you guys might go, who cares? But if you don't have it and you have an iPhone. Yeah. And it's probably up for the droid phone too, download the amazon.com app. It is brilliant. It's one of the best apps ever. It saves all your info.

It gives you recommendations, everything, right? And there's a button, one click by, you hit it, you purchase the fucking thing, it shows up in the mail three days later. It is- Speaking of fucking lonely people that were trying to be happy with fucking external things. No, did it? It's- If you don't want to be happy and just smile and be happy with life, get the this app

and you can buy things and have them ship to your house. It's something to look forward to. If you don't want to be happy and just smile and be happy with life, get this app and you can buy things in a shippedy house. It's something to look forward to. It's a lot of fun. I mean, there's nothing better than sitting on the toilet and being like, I always wanted this DVD. You go in there and you find it for $3 and you hit a button and it shows up at your house three days later and you got your

movie you love for five bucks. It's a fucking great at man. It's a great shopping online at. I got another tech thing that I introduce you to and you have one and now I have the new version which you're kind of pissed at me about. Which if you have an iPhone and they make them for blackberries and other phones but I'm an iPhone user. It them for blackberries and other phones, but I'm an iPhone user It's called Sonic Case, Sonic's. You get it at www.lentech.le.nantk.com

It's an iPhone case, but it has a slot in the back for two or three cards Whether it be an ID and a couple credit cards or an ID and a credit card and a metro card. So you don't have to carry a wallet around at night. You don't have to have that big clunky, fucking fat, fucking guy wallet, which hasn't evolved in fucking a hundred years for some reason.

Right. Finally, it's evolved. We don't have to finally. You can put a few credit cards in, right in the back of your phone, take it out with you, going out on the town, traveling, I use it when I go through airports, because I don't like to sit on a plane with a wall

at a my ass, it'll fuck up your sciatica. I just have this, put my license in my credit card right in there, fly through security, everything's in one spot. The only thing that does suck if you lose your phone, you lose your shit. That does kind of suck a little bit, but you know what, like my father once said to me, my third father, he said, you know, he's still lose my house keys all the time. And he said, you know when you're not gonna lose your house keys, when you get a set of car keys on here, because that will mean something to you.

And you know what, he was right. I never lost my house keys after that. Well, I agree with that philosophy. If you know you can't lose it, you're not gonna lose it. It's like one of the reasons I never had a case of my iPhone for a long time, that people would go, what do you do when you drop?

I go, I don't drop it, because I don't have a case on it, and I know to be careful when I'm holding the fucking thing. You got a case on it that makes your brain subconsciously go, throw it on the ground if you have to. Well, so this is the same principle. You shits on there, you're not gonna fucking leave your phone sitting on the table when you go to the bathroom

and then somebody steals it, trust me. This case is not like Joe's case, the older version. This case is actually really nice, the upgraded version. Well, it's a different maker too. It's a different maker, but it's a better case. I appreciate that you didn't pick up two of those. Maybe I will, Joe. All right, that's another talk.

You told me today you got me one. I knew you were lying. I was terrible. All right, we're gonna wrap this up. We gotta add Joe toRose a comedy on Twitter and JoeDeRose a comedy.com. Make sure you go and buy his album on iTunes. Well, my new album comes out September 6th.

What's it called? My new album is called Return of the Son of Depression Auction. It's a sequel to my first album and it'll be out on September 5th. So fucking un-creative. No, it's not. Say it again. Return of the Son of Depression Auction, which is a reference to Fraggzapa. You are so wordy, it's not even fucking fun. I like the title. All right, well it comes out and I'm on tour to promote it all through September in

the Southeast. Yeah, we'll be plugging that tour. So make sure you go to Joe's website too to check up on those dates and you know me, Robert at Robert Kelly and make sure you subscribe. Tell a fucking friend, pass this, it's up to you guys. You guys are the ones that are making this go down. You guys are fucking getting people to subscribe, getting your friends to subscribe, subscribe, and their friends

and you guys are really spreading the word about this podcast, which is pretty fucking amazing, because it's pretty much just two douchebags fucking yapping. This was a long podcast, but this is a good one, and that's about it. We're gonna wrap it up with you know what, dude. It's over, Joe. Yep. Anything you like to end it in a weird way?

Can you just end it, Bob? I thought you liked to end it. Do you like to say something? You'll drawn out asshole. Just end the fucking thing. Thanks again for listening to another episode. If you know what, dude, on GloryholeRadio.com and make sure to check out all the other shows on the Glory Home Network.

If you're using the Stitcher app, type in the word Fart when you register. I, Tune Uses. Don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. If you're a real fan of the show and you want to show you support, go to GloryholeRadio.com slash Robert Kelly and hit hit the donate button. Ten Dolls will get you a shout out on the air. Twenty Dolls will get you my first CD. Robert Kelly live.

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