Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - More Grifter Than Comic

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

We have Mark Normand joining Bobby and Calta getting into what made him the comedy robot genius while growing up, getting to work with comedy heroes and how he's dealing with the uprisings in the city! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. ¿Dónde nadie pregunta de dónde viene? ¿Sino por qué no te viene? Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos lia. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos.

Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la edición especial de Madrid nos lia. Un número de ma mal, a Madrid. This might help pays that forward. Every week my guest and I will listen to anonymous messages from people who need help and offer our best and most hilarious advice. This might help with Matt Braunger, the only advice podcast that has ever existed on laugh button. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back.

You know what to live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW. I started a social media podcast. We're back. You know what to live welcome everybody to the show Started the social media podcast My KWD's back again We're it all started before them all So fun and crazy

Oh And there's no rules. Shut up, you all! You're ruining this! For the more damn amount of money, I'm so sorry. It's not any podcast. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original original. Shhh! You know what?

You know what? You know what? Yo! You know what, dude? We're back. We're back. We're back we're back we're back Mike cult is here. We have Mark Norman's here. We have Gabby's here

Here And you're wearing a mask inside with your nose out. I think you got wrong your formation. Black power. Good to be here. Thanks for having me. Crazy. I live in Manhattan. It's bananas out there. That's not a black joke. You have to get one of these right here. This is nice. What's this? This was sent to me today. Look at that. Oh, I'm in the From Oh shit.

How would you laugh at that? Because you're not actually hurt, but it'd be funny if you did. Oh, that was a good answer. What's up, man? Hi, Michael. How are you, Michael? How are you doing? I'm fucking tired today. Me too. What is it? What is he thing that you, Michael? How are you doing? I'm fucking tired today. Me too. What is it?

What is your thing that you do today? What did you build and trim and paint? I didn't do any of that shit today. I actually mean Gabby. Can I tell them Gab? Yeah. Oh, finally. Yeah.

It's about time. No, sorry. What. It's about time. No, sorry, would you say that? That would be the grossest. I would actually not, if Gabby ever did anything with me, I would have, like, you're just a loser. I did anything. Yeah, if you had like, some type of weird fat bald guy fetish, I'd be so disappointed in you. Well, you don't have to say yuck

The record Gabby I would not feel the same way. Okay, good to know. Yeah, I would love to watch that Mike loves both I didn't do anything today. I mean Gabby finished the pilot we wrote Hey, all right. Get worked on. We we started it. We we we came up with the idea a long time ago, started it. And then when quarantine hit, we were like, we should just finish it. And we, uh, we finished it today. Uh-huh. And, uh, yeah, I gave it to a friend of mine and, uh, they liked it a lot. What is body's writing? And he does, and you don't like what he's saying,

do you feel like you can't tell him? Oh no, I go, no. I think we work pretty good together because we're both like yeah, that doesn't work. Okay. We're both true assholes and we both have too much confidence and I think that works well together. Okay.

Yeah, I believe that. All right. I believe that to be so. Well, I hope when they relaunch Kagney and Lacey, you guys, you're really big. Well, I'm a fucking Kagney. Well, you were Lacey, but now you're a Kagney. What is that? What is that?

How dare you? Next, you just get into what Simon and Simon is. By the way, Gabby, you were great in the Epstein doc. Guiled it. Thanks for growing there. Looks like you. Thank you. It's so fucking true, man. They really do. He had a thing. Oh, yeah. and he pulled it off pretty well. I need a lady helper genius. Yeah, just like burritos in the little whorehouse in Texas had a lady helper. Right, I'm a madam. I'm sorry. This is a good. No, you go. No, you go. Throw another old reference at us. We haven't heard of. It's like

Kentucky Fried Chicken movie. Kentucky Fried movie. That's a great movie. They were fucking hot. Wow. Who's this? They were never hot. No, I'm into it. You know, the brunette is hot. Like she looks okay. She looks like hot, clunky right there, I mean, do it. You know, the brunette is hot. Like, she looks okay. She looks like hot, clunky right there, but this is the best a chair. It's gonna be her wife. Wow. I think she's hot. I feel like the blonde is hotter than the brunette. She the brunette looks like Pat and I was well now.

What was that? Who were those women? That's Cagney and Lacey. Oh, I thought it was a new lesbian podcast. I was an old lesbian TV show. Ah, got it. So, I was going to say what was it? I was going to ask you, do we know, do you know how many comics are tied to Jeffrey Epstein? Oh, I don't.

I don't. I don't. It's a good question. A lot. Really? What do you mean? What I'm like? I won't say my name is now I'll tell you guys, but I've had Because we're friends of them So what who is it text me okay Nick DiPolo What are you afraid what are you afraid of getting your fucking career taking away?

By the way, Nick in a very innocent way, I'll tell you what the hook was, is that Woody Allen and Jeffrey Epstein were really good friends and you do dinners and Woody Allen wanted to have dinner with other comedians, so they would invite other comedians over and Nick was there at one time, then none do the girls. But yeah, another do it shakes like he went just for the dinner and the idea that you're going to have to do with Woody Allen, which is a big deal. And then the other one was Bobby Slayton, who'd been there a couple times. Wow.

Yeah, so this was all I learned about this all before Jeb she had seen me came a thing. So the Apollo would, the Apollo would even tell me how to Google and find out who was, because I don't wanna say his name, you know, he was in trouble. I was like, I took Google and I figured it out. Man, I was thinking you were gonna say Cosby or at least Louis. Well, can I ask you a question Mark, was he ever a pit bull?

Was it? No, I don't know. I don't even know like a, like a, like like a like a like a like a like a conqueror spaniel or something like. Yeah, he was a yappy, Joe, but he was never a pit bull. I've never got it, but he seems like a fun guy. You know, you got mad at me the last time because I he came in on a Friday and I read book the comedian. I think

I want to say it was like maybe Lynn Coppillet. It was a girl. He got really mad at that. And he was like, he'd fucking called me up. And he's like, you really booked this girl over me over fucking me? I was like, she's more relevant than you are. Yeah. Yeah. He's one of those. Where was he playing? Side's putters. And where was she playing? So I don't remember. Like probably somebody was at the end problem and somebody's at Side's putters.

So and when was the first day and when was Friday and they couldn't do bold, and I picked her. So she kills. Yeah, it's a compliment. It's fucking great on my show. She's been awesome. Yeah, I like coppies. I mean, even though when she comes to the seller with trays of food,

I'm just waiting for the night with it's going to be a who would just all dead at the table for eating the brownies. Yeah, she's got that like my wife kills you by slowly putting a manny freeze in your oatmeal vibe. Yeah, I love her, but she will fucking snap on you. Oh, yeah. uh, man he freezing your oatmeal vibe. Yeah. I love her, but she, she will fucking snap on you. Oh, yeah. You think my fucking temper is bad. Her fucking temper is 20 times worse than mine. Yeah, she, she's a, she's a feisty broad and she, I, she, she loves

Louie and I've seen her snap on women about Louie like fuck you. You don't get it and it's pretty fun to watch I Do I love how she sticks up for Louie. Yeah, I love that she's the real pit bull You know she she was actually I mean she's still pretty, but she was a smoker back Smoker the hottest comic easily. Yeah, she's like she's like me just in a girl You're both Yeah, he was hot. I know A mushy pull up an old Coplitz pick, you know, but like some from the 40s. She was

Just pull the headshot. He still uses Wow, Oh, older, older. That's pretty though. She's that's pretty. So pretty. But yeah, smoke and honey. She's still pretty. I like her now.

I agree. I agree. She's got like, you know, I fucked the pool boy look. But she won't though. She's not into sex. Why are you tried? Oh, hard. Really? Yeah, it's not only just with me, but she won't though she's not into sex. Why are you tried? Oh hard. Really? Yeah, it's not only just with me, but she's like, oh fuck, what am I going to have sex? It's too much of a fucking headache. I was like, I got it. Hey, actually, Kira's headache. You must be doing it right. Well, not lately. This quarantine, everything's really dried up over here. Yeah, the lady is put on a few pounds and things are tight literally. We're leaving

where footage. What are you in your kitchen right now? It's a kitchen slash dining slash living room. This is my fridge. We got from a nursery of, you know, pre-K. Let's look at the magnets. It's time to move it out. You're getting it. I mean, you're a million there. Well, it's in the village. I'm in the West Village. So of course, it's going to be a zillion dollars for this shoe box. But we're moving out. We bought a place with some Corona steals. You know what I mean? We got a nice, nice riot sale going. Where are you moving to? Moving to Chelsea. Wow, look at that smoking hot, beautiful woman. Yeah, incredible. Look at that hair. That's like a Southern,

that's a Southern Maine. Yeah, she looks like a country singer from the 90s. One of the mandrel sisters. Yeah, right now she's singing up to the balcony. You can never be my man. I can never be your woman to. I can't fuck you. I've got a headache. Man, I can't fuck you. I've got a headache. Are you are you in fact a millionaire? No, no. Anytime I make money, I spend it on something big. Like I made a ton of money opening for Schumer years ago and Lily and a couple other people I just put into this place and I just made a little bit of money with something and I just put it in a new place. What do you mean with something?

Well, I got I got to think cooking. What do you got? You got to turn to the bulge. You can't call me when he listens. You always have a secret when you're on here. The last time you were on here, you had to go leave early to perform for somebody and you wouldn't tell us who it was.

Oh, yeah. Every episode. Who was it? Who were you for? I think it was Louis. You had to perform before him. I was opening for him somewhere in the city. Because I think he was stepbugging you and you had to leave. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I couldn't get out the door when it was over. But, uh, yeah, so

I hope I got something. I put my special out. It did well and I got something out of it. Thank God. Because I put the fucking thing on YouTube. But what can you get out of a special? I got an offer for a thing. So you got an offer for another special? Yeah. That's all I say. Okay, okay, okay, but they were like because they're getting nervous now because we're starting to just put our shit out. Exactly. And now the numbers, right. So they're too scared to take a chance on a, I think on a, on a honky, on a skinny white guy, you know, so, but you're so fucking what they, I mean, dude, you're right, that you are probably, I mean, you walked the line as far as like a, you

know, one of us and what they want. You know what I mean, you walked the line as far as like a, you know, one of us and what they want. You know what I mean? You're fucking jokes. You're a hammer. You're murder. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. But, man, you get all your hair.

You got a mo-ped. I mean, Jesus Christ. I tried to sell it to. I tried. I tried. I mean, you're not going to like I didn't try. I got all my knees and tried to sell them a special. And HBO and Hulu.

And they said, no and HBO and Hulu. And they said, no, how does Hulu say no to you? You got to have a quote in it now. It's casting now. You got to have the wheelchair guy, the gay Asian, the fat trans or whatever it is. You got to have a hook. I think you get all of that in this room right now.

There's a wheelchair. hook. Right. I think you get all that in this room right now. I'm the age. We never saw much stand up. I thought most should be the fat trans. I'm actually running around. I used to be a lady. I would say I would say Gabby is the woke.

The woke bitch. If you had blue hair and glasses, Gabby is the woke, the woke bitch. Yeah. If you had blue hair and glasses, you could be a blogger. What's up with the blue and green hair? Why is that, why is that such a stereotypical woke thing? I know because it shows they're angry. They're mad at their dad, they're rebelling, you know, so they got to grow their hair all weird. So fucking weird. Yeah. But yeah, moving out.

How's Florida? What's his Tampa business as usual? Or is it? Is it pretty? No, protest. Up. We didn't miss, oh, protest. But yeah, I mean, we had one night. Now it's just a bunch of people walking through the streets trying to get free shit. It's not bad. Yeah. So the one night now. It's just a bunch of people walking through the streets trying to get free shit It's not bad. Yeah, so the one night was bad. They stay set a gas station on fire and Attack the mall and but the we got pretty good cops here. So it was contained They attacked the mall There's a mall up in the I called the million man mall. It's in the best area They tried to get in there and break into the mall and then go looting, but the police just lined up outside

and they kept them pretty much at bay. Damn. Yeah, I mean, they broke, they burnt the champs down at one end and they broke into a shitty story. You never heard of before the other end, but for the most part, everything was good. What's called camps? Champs, a sporting goods store, you know? Oh, yeah,

champ. And then my buddy is a sheriff and he's like, I'm gonna fucking find out who said, I'll watch video tapes and find out who said that fire. And they they went through the security tape, found a picture of the guy who said the fire and his picture is everywhere now. So they'll have him by the end. He's bad ass. Wow. Damn. Mark, did he go to the protests? I did. I went to two of them. One was terrifying and one was pretty peaceful. What was a terrifying one? Oh man, it was like it. I would, I was at a kind of a friend's house. I've been breaking all the rules. I went to like a party. I went to a friend's house and I was like, oh, walk home and I just happened to run into it. Like, it was, they were just

roaming the streets, hundreds of people. And I'm talking, break in windows, walking on cars, breaking side view mirrors, turning over garbage cans, lighten shit on fire. And I, I stood there for like 10 minutes and I was about to film it. And I saw another guy filming in, and he got like fucked with. So I just got the hell out of there.

Or more, I went to the one the next day and I was like, nice chance, you know, blue-haired women, very nice. Mark's always in the wrong neighborhoods by accident. Yeah, that sort of felt like I just kind of slipped right in. I put my mask on, I put on some black face and no one was the wiser. Are there a lot of white people out there? Like you getting them, you're from? It's 50, 50.

Really? Yes. But we're all racist. That was good, man. Was that Antifa? Ah, no, these were like young whipper snap or holding skateboards. These kids were, excuse me, whippa.

But these kids were, they were like, you tell they were NYU and shit, you know, just, they just wanted to fuck around. Yeah, that's what it is. And who knew skateboard would be the fucking destructive weapon of choice. Oh, yeah, well, it's hard. It's a weapon. I used to escape when I was a youth. Of course. Man, that's fucking, I would have been, I would have freaked out. Man, that's fucking I would have been. I would have freaked out. Yeah, well now if you if they started doing something, I remember I was walking

through going to I had a spot at the seller that I was late for and I was walking through and there was a black lives matter rally. And I remember I walked up and stood like in the middle of it. And I was about to leave and the lady was like, if you think Black Lives Matter, raise your fists and hold them in the air. And I was like, I gotta go like fucking, I was sitting there like this,

like I gotta fucking go. This is what I'm gonna be. Because I can't walk away. Like literally in the middle, it was just me, excuse me pardon me, excuse me. I gotta go. I'm sitting there holding my fist up in the fucking air. But I, it's a joke of my act I have.

Because this really happened. I remember the lady said, we think black love holds your fist in the air and say black lives matter. And she said 11 times. And I heard a black dude go 11. Ah. Ah.

It was like, let's do three and get the fuck out of it. Shit. Yes, that's so I felt the whole time I could hear Keith Robinson going like, ah, you fucking bugging me, cracker, you know? I can just hear fucking with me. Like, you think you're helping, don't you? know, like just hear fucking with me like you think you help but don't you Yeah, you see bring up Lewis J Gomez's fucking Instagram. Did you see his Instagram? The black square thing dude, that was clever. Let me tell you something dude that was fucking funny because I don't look at

You don't know what to do okay, right? What you don't want to be a group thinker you don't want to just do stuff without because a lot of times you do shit And it's fucked up and you want to do the wrong thing and now you lumped in when you're gonna score race something Because you fall the wrong asshole You know and even today they were like there was black people going hey and now you lumped in when you're gonna go race something because you followed the wrong asshole. And even today, there was black people going, hey, don't do this blackout thing because the only way people are getting real news

is from Instagram and Twitter and all this. And you guys are just shutting it down. Don't do that, but he, it's the middle one, the black one. Click on that. So he clicked on that. So I was like, the black one. Click on that. Yeah, we clicked on that. Oh, here we go. So I was like, I can't believe Lewis did it. And then I clicked on it. Go again.

Oh, that's good. That's a dead funeral ironically. But not only didn't he pick a headshot, he picked his first head shot. But not only did he pick a headshot, he picked his first headshot. We'll go back to it Mike. Right after it, for all the people that were going to yell at him, he went and donated. Right. You went and donated the next one right there. Look at this. He donated $250 to the Theragod Marshall College Fund.

So I was like, I did more with this than you did with your fucking blackout thing. He said, he's that was funny. And Anthony Cumier had a gumma too. He put the the Metallica black album cover up. I was gonna do the same thing. I thought about that, but that's got the don't try to me snake on there. And I was like, oh, I'm just, I'm afraid that makes sense for me. I would again all trouble. Right. Him. It's on. I didn't think about that. Yeah. Don't

try to me. Shit. There's a bug here. Fuck. It's just tough. Cause, you know, you want to help, but you don't want to be a pandering bitch, you know, or you're just like an online hero warrior, but you want to help, but yeah, it's a tough line to walk as a whitey. Well, yeah, you don't want to be some, yeah, you don't want to pander, and you don't want to, you don't want to just do what people, you know, just because some fucking other comic

is yelling at you to do something, you don't want to just, you know, and some comments didn't even do it. I know. And then there's like, how can you make jokes at times like this? Like, this is what I do. This is my whole career and my whole fucking personality. I can't joke now.

What is this? Dictatorship? It's crazy. It is a little weird. And you fucking get in trouble all the time for joking at the wrong time. All that does, the story of my life. I mean, the college would be out once for that. Everybody's shooting me out.

Quinn is shooting me out. I can't help it. What a Quinn. You got chewed up by Colin? Doing what? Wow. He was in the right. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to...

I love Quinn. He's like my hero, so I don't want to piss him off. But like, I made a joke about somebody fucking his family member He's like I couldn't help it. It was right there Text me right now though because I want to make the decision right now Well, you're just gonna say I will not tell the joke and I won't show it But I will tell you if you're wrong or right

All right, I know he's he's a good judgment of whatever of comedy I'm going to tell the joke and I won't show it, but I will tell you if you're wrong or right. All right, text it to me. I know he's, he's a good judgment of whatever of comedy, so I assume I fucked up, but you know, this is what I texted to you. Text it to me. Text it to me. I'll give you a, a cliff notes. Give me the cliff notes of it and I'll be like, from my facial expressions, you'll be

yourself, if I think he was out of line while he was absolutely right. By the way, this will be the first time Bobby's read one of my texts. Same. I read your text, Gabby. Yeah, but then you call me screaming that I texted you. This morning, Bobby calls me at 10 a.m. being like, what the fuck? Why did you text me? Well, can I say something like her text, a piecemeal? Do you want to do something? Do you want to write something? Yeah. What time? 11? Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck me. I listen, you're the worst text or ever, so I'm on hers. I'm in the world. You're like texting my uncle. We got Alzheimer's. Does he really? No, I don't know. But you know, I know what that means. But you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, what? I'm like, tomorrow, three o'clock.

What's at three? We're going to go to the thing. Who's going to go? I'm like, Jesus Christ. That's you every time I take it. But it's a fucking phone call. Just call. No. If I ask you, are we writing at 11 and you call me and go, your text make no fucking sense. Look at, I called you. I said, we're right in 11. You say, I said, yes.

And we talked about something. Then we're done. And it's over. Bobby, just make the text bigger on your phone. and it's over. Bobby, just make the text bigger on your phone. Oh, man, Jenkins. Did you text it to me? No, oh, shit. I was hoping you forget. I said, you're a fuck. You did text it. It's how me. Up to, all right. I just, I told you, I made a joke about somebody fucking his family member and he snapped. He's got a lot of stuff. I want to hear the joke. It wasn't a good joke.

It was just as quick zing and it was in a dresser room and he had, he was getting makeup put on him. We were backstage at a show. Remember with Big J had that a crowd work show? Yeah. He was at that show and he had the like the fucking white bib on and everything and I made the joke and he was like, ah, like he almost had to get out of the chair. It was, it was, it was dicey.

What did he, did he, okay, look at, I tell you something about Quinn, he will fucking fight somebody. Oh, yeah. I mean, he's a Brooklyn guy. He's an Irish mick from Brooklyn. Yeah, he don't give a fuck. Lou in the chat room said that she'll take the guy

in the wheelchair. No, she said she'll be the wheelchair guy. She'll be the wheelchair guy. She'll be a guy. We got questions for you, Mark, from the fans. You ready? Oh, geez, hit me. Hit me.

So, as a comic, Mark has put a lot of thought into our world, which lack of values and always mark the most, and why is it fat people? Here's my beef with the hot of the fatties First of all, I want you to know me and Mike have a show called call during Kelly six nights a week and it's called It's almost almost a thousand pounds of funny So I know you can't tell from our heads So I know you can't tell from our heads. I get fat. No.

I can tell. Well, I got another against fat people, but my whole thing is I'm not going to feel bad for you if you got fat and are fat. You can be fat. I used to be fat. I was a fat kid. My family's fat. My mom's huge.

My girlfriends in a rascal. But I just don't get the sympathy. Like you got to eat whatever you want and that workout and I got a feel bad for you. Like if you got some thyroid nonsense, you know, here, here. But like I just don't get the sympathy part. You're not a victim. Okay, but can I explain to you

that a lot of fat people have what? That's not a gross. You're fat, you're fucking fat. Yeah, I'm out of the people who are better than us. But a lot of fat people have food addictions and, you know, like an alcoholic or a drug addict. And it's not fair too because you know there's body types and I also believe that there's you know the food that we eat is terrible, the corn syrup, corn starch, carbohydrates. It's not it's like everything's going against you. And on top of it it's still the only form where you can make fun of somebody and nobody gives a fuck. What?

People give a shit all day about making fun of porn. No, but they have fat people. Nobody cares about them. Alright, I mean, I care. I don't hate fat people. I just don't like that. And that's the other thing is I don't have to think you're, why do I have to think you're beautiful?

Biggest beautiful? Get out of here. Big was beautiful. Why would everybody just not go to the gym? That's the other thing to the forcing your force feeding me the bullshit Big is not beautiful is that what you say? Yes, yes, wait a minute. You don't think like not for women I don't know man either. Thank you Yeah, but you don't think big is beautiful.

No. Wow, she said that you're just a big person. You and Mark should date or at least banged behind each other's significant others. Oh, you got a guy now? Yeah. Me too. Sorry. But yeah, I got nothing against it. I was a fat kid growing up my whole life.

And it sucked. And I got made fun of all the time. But I just don't tell me Lena Dunham is attractive. That's my only. That's fat and ugly. That's two different things. That's a good point. That's a good thing. What about like Adele at her? Because she's a hot face. Great face. Ashley Graham. beautiful face. I'd love to fuck her face. But the rest I'm not into it and I don't know why that makes me a bad guy. Didn't the Dow lose a lot of weight? Yeah, she's hot now. Beautiful. Beautiful woman. She look really how I haven't seen the photo Mikey at the photo. And she got a ton of shit for losing weight. It doesn't make sense. Oh, yeah.

Oh, backlash. Why did she get backlash? Because all the fat people felt like she was their champion, and then she bailed on them. Yeah, me and she was slowly doing it. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Wow, she looks great.

Oh, well, that's a bad pitch. Better picture than that. Jesus Christ., that's a bad pig much. Better picture than that. Jesus Christ looks like a cracker over there. Yeah, pick the one right there, the chubby one. There you go. Wow, what, come on Mike, what are you doing? What are you doing Mike?

British people, the worst smiles by the way, they can't laugh unattractively. It's because of the teeth. Yeah, it's the chop chopper is the brutal. But yeah, nothing against, uh, nothing against tubs. I'm just saying, it's not a victim and, uh, you're not beautiful. Well, we were in Europe together. We were in Dublin. Yes. There wasn't a lot of good looking women there. Also not a lot of fatties. I saw a few. Oh, okay. All right. All right. I missed them. But yeah. Yeah.

I see. You see an Irish woman Irish woman, how good looking either? No, our waitress and that Irish woman for lunch one day was like one of the hottest chicks I've ever seen. Like hair blue eyes, holy shit. She was gorgeous. That's the best combo ever I think. Well you you've also had problems with like Sharad was gonna beat you up one night My he didn't call him fatty called him black Just kidding who soon Mike too soon What did you say you said somebody going over or something? Yeah, yeah, just mates, but I had the microphone so it was It was bad on my part, but I was shit face to Liz

I was like it was my seventh spot of the night It was like a two in the morning and Liz was like what are you doing? Why are you shut up? But I was like I'm pissed and she got feeding me booze and I went up like no pun intended I went up in a blackout and I just said a bunch of shit and got ugly, but Yeah, yeah, I gotta I gotta work on that or maybe I don't I don't know. I don't think you do Mark I don't think you work on it. It's like look we know we know certain things about We know Keith is a fucking swirl drink and asshole. He likes to stop trouble

You know what I mean? Yes? and swirl drinking asshole. He likes to start trouble. You know what I mean? Yes, gravel rouser. We, you know Bob Kelly's got a hot temper and he'll fucking lose it. You know Jim Norton is a fucking, oh god. Oh, you got the bug? Why?

I got him. Oh, Bobby's got the hit his son. Oh wow. What is that? Don't talk about my fucking son, Mark. See? Every time. All right, Kelton, how you doing? You think I'm on my son? He beat the shit out of you. There you go. What is he? A football kid? Hockey and lacrosse. That was hockey. Yikes. Scary white kid. You're, you're almost as bad as Bobby on the texting. You never, you're like a never text back guy.

You become that guy. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Well, hold on, hold on. That was good, that wasn't a matter of that. What do you see, Matt? No, not at all. And then I sent him a picture of his butt the other day. Of his butt? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, wow, look at that. It's a tap to download. I don't know if you can see that. Oh, he can see it. Amazing. I took my pants off at a gig before the people showed up. We were pretty, pretty drunk too. And I was behind them. Do you know, you know, you have a nice bomb, but you know, as a better bum, and I think the best bum in comedy. Oh,

my cannon. Really? Yeah. Who is going up to Chris? Really? Who is going up to Chris really? Who is going up? Scopo's. I mean, dude, scopo's got a big ass. Oh, yeah, he's got a caboose. Yeah, um, canons, but I mean, Mike, bring that up. Have you seen that? No, I'm dying to. Why did you see it? Oh, man, I, I, I, I watch it like a hundred time. It's on his Instagram. I believe somewhere, right, Michael?

That's where we saw it. Yeah. All right. I mean, he can make money with his ass. What? Oh, yeah. If I had his ass, I go to gate clubs on Friday and Saturday instead of doing comedy and just shake my fucking rump and make a bunch of cash and sneak out the back door have gone pick me up in the fucking truck Drive away Johnny Kakes and the leather and all that yeah, I just I got my chaps look at this watch this Oh, wow, I turn the sound sound off because it flagged for the monetization. All right, good. Oh, yeah Great I mean Gabby right perfect, but for the monetization. All right, good. Oh, yeah. That is great.

I mean, Gabby, right? Perfect, but perfect man. Yes. Not too big, not too small. That's a perfect, but I'm in grade shape. I got two of those. It looks like it's talking to you. Like it's saying something.

Like, how about double-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo. How about double-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo. How about double-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo-dumbo pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Yeah, you got no fight. Who else you get no fight with? Didn't you get a fight with somebody else? Uh, I've been yelled at by many people. SD and uh... SD yelled at you? Oh yeah, many times. For what? I put a swastika somewhere once as a goof and that didn't go anywhere. And you see, it gets a laugh later, but not as a time.

That's the story of my life. I can kill when you tell the story, but during it not a good time. That's the story of my life. I can kill when you tell the story, but during it, people hate me. Yeah, she's yelled at me a few times. That's why Hogan's Heroes is funny. It was so many years later. Yeah, I guess the two-soon thing applies there. But yeah, yeah, a lot of yelling. I mean, you name it. The finestein, everybody's chewed me out. Rachel finestein? Oh, yeah, I said this or that. I gotta, I don't know. It's a problem.

I'm working on it. What, but are you doing it? Let me ask you a question. Are you doing it? Are you doing it to be an asshole? Are you doing it in the name of funny? I'm doing it out of no filter. I just say without thinking and people go,

what do you craze? That's the exact thing you're not supposed to say. And I think that's like a trigger for me where I don't say it. Don't say it. I have to say it. That's correct. That's it. Yeah, I got the rest.

You have to rest, but you're a standup comedian. So we don't notice it. Use it as a superhero part. I thought you're so good at riffing. Right, there you go, exactly. So on stage, we're like, this guy's fun. He's saying crazy shit, but at the table or at the restaurant or wherever it's, it's not, it doesn't fly. Okay. But me and you have never had a problem. I've never been mad at you. You've never, you've,

you've said mean shit to me and I just let it, it's pretty funny. Yeah, well, you, I think certain people think certain people have certain buttons and I just haven't hit that right button for you yet. Are you trying to find it? You can't. No, I mean, for the first like 10 years of you knowing him, you only refer to him as a robot. Yeah, there you go. No, I, I'll say this right now. I believe that Comedy Central made you. I don't think you're real. I don't think you're real and you have a malfunction. And that's why they Comedy Central shut down because you were there like last and you you have a malfunction that they couldn't fix. So that's what that little thing is that you say, you say, hey, you're a country, right?

Oh, I'm sorry. I asked you to. After you come back and get fixed. That's, you know, that's a great, hey, we'll give it up for all the blacks. I hate him. Right. Oh, hey, shit. I fucked up again.

Right. That's what everybody beats me up. They have to come fly in and fucking reconnect me and all my springs and sparks are going everywhere. It's not you know, you got a really successful podcast with Joe lists. Oh, yeah, I'm doing well. Finally. You guys are actually, you guys are actually, you're not, you're very opposite. Yeah. Well, we're similar, but I mean, he's sober. I'm a drunk. He's married. I'm not he's neurotic. I'm having fun

So yeah, we're kind of on company, but we're also we have a similar sense of humor Yeah, look, I've never seen you like I've talked to Joe. I've seen Joe He has a new podcast about like, you know meditation and self-help and Emotions and he's and he's very sensitive guy. I've never seen you have an emotion. I hold it in. I'm too scared.

My dad was a fucking military cunt. If I got too sappy, he would shut it down. I think that kind of stayed with me. What was your dad? Yeah, just like an old school hairy forearmed, beaten as a kid, you know, like a tough guy. Fucking deniro? Yeah, yeah, a little bit like dad's home,

go upstairs, hide, you know, hear that car pulling up. I mean, craziest temper ever. Let me smash in the face and the the basketball like the great Santini. No, I actually had that in my neighborhood with the local Negroids, but never with my dad. He would do a lot of this, you know, ahhh, but what was it? Marines or Army? Army. It was a Jag. What's that? It was a what? That's a what that's not the Jags the Navy?

No, he was a military lawyer. Yeah, there was a TV. Oh, no shit like Tom Cruise. Yes, you can't handle the truth. And he went all over the world and his dad beat the shit out of him. And then so he never hit you. Gary, you know, threw me through a few things, but never, never hit. Oh, that's, that's worse. Yeah, that's why my kids don't fear me. Because I never follow through it, throwing them through the window. Oh, I had a lot of that.

That's my dad right there. Now we know where you get your looks. Yeah. I would let her throw me through anything. Now, not now you wouldn't know. Now I just saw her on TV. She got lips done. I know why women get their lips done. Just get old. No, right. My wife gets her lips on and I love it. Really? Fantastic. Go a pic, bring it up. Pull her up. Am I wife? Yeah. Um, you got to get her Instagram mush. Or you bring her in the room.

Uh, yeah. I'm in the unlike your kitchen slash dining room on the other side of my place. I'll stay it. So she's not ready to read. Yeah. Let me, uh, I'll text her. All right. All right. Yeah. Yeah. What about you? Your dad was not around, right, Bob?

Well, my real father wasn't the biological. The second step where was he? The first step dad was a piece of shit. Where was the second one? The second one? Okinawa. No. He's the second one Okinawa no Your lips. Oh, I feel bad now. He's calling the wife and I know him and want to see your lips Send me just text me a photo. She has my number No makeup she's coming in oh No makeup now that's brave now. It's the picture you posted right here. Oh, yes.

That's too much. What should I say? I mean, yeah, but her lips, those still look normal, dude. Those look like regular lips. Yeah, she just has, she doesn't have beautiful natural lips like you do. They're kind of thin. So she blows them up a little bit, but that's it. Thank you.

Yeah, yours. I mean, that's gorgeous. What about mine? Yeah, yours are gorgeous too. I noticed I just didn't want to be a creep. Yeah, but she purses them so much. I don't know you. We have, I don't mean I have lip buffs. I don't pur, I do not purst my lips.

I can't see you make your face right now. What? I know your other lips. I know, I know. Show your other lips. Show your other lips. Wait a minute. Pull them out. Uh, what the amount of young female comics getting Botox is bananas.

Who, who gets Botox? I just learned this the other day, young like 20s. Every woman gets Botox starting at like 28. Every woman you have ever met has gotten Botox. I just learned that and blew my mind. You're gonna get Botox. What? Win Coplates.

Name one comic. I'm sure if you throw any women, female comic out, you'll you'll hit it. April Macy doesn't even look human anymore. Oh, I just, oh yeah, I just saw her. She ruined it. I said, Dora, what would you do to your face? She goes she goes? Oh, I'm just tired from last night. I came in on a red house like She looks bad. She's gorgeous. Yeah, that she is Caramel Jesus. Wow happened or Looks like Ben Bailey melted

Hold on my wife is here cash candle Oh my wife is here. Cash candle. Cash candle. That's Mark. Oh my lord. Hey, make him big mush. He's already big. No, I met the screen.

Wow. Oh, hell no. Great. Your hair looks fucking. Oh my god, it looks so good. All right, that's not like it crazy. Oh, look at it. Everything.

She looks great. You're killing it. Yeah. Great your your hair looks fucking oh my god. It looks so good. All right. Let's not get crazy. Oh look at everything. She looks great You're killing it. Yeah. Yeah, you're knocking it out of the park. Yeah, three Come on How I wasn't if I wasn't gay How old is she I I don't know 38 close close 37 less close 39 42 whoa

Mike we've been together since she was like 17 and a half 42 17 are you and Don like the same age as I don't know how old Don is. You don't? No, I don't. I just every year we celebrate a birthday and I just say it's 39. We will find out how old my wife is for me. I'll text her. Yeah, text her and find out.

Okay. I will throw the bitch on a scale too. You're the minute she walks in. He's like, hi, baby. How you doing? Oh, yeah, thank you. Are you the best? Bobby, yeah, no, make sure we clean the bed. Yeah, all good for you. I need incense candles and tissues. You know why you need tissues tissues are you going there? I'm going to tomorrow. I'm flying out tomorrow. First time I've flown in months going to the Calta residents and then We have a big day planned tomorrow. I guess

Cryotherapy cryotherapy. We have a show It's all. And you're doing the more. Pryotherapy. He's doing, he's doing, he's making me do us. Why? I don't know. He says that we need it, but I think it's for athletes. Not chubby guys, you know, we're gonna have fun. Perfect for a fact. I has been on a plane for three hours. Thank you. Thanks for showing off your lips. Hi, go me.

Joe, good. Mike. Thank you, funny. If his phone rings in like five minutes. Wow. Well, Dad, so you guys are doing a gig at size, butters now doing sorry. The what's the place called again? You tell me. Vincianis.

Vesani. Vesani. Or Charlotte. It looks like from the outside when you pull up to it looks like medieval times. It's like a castle, but it's a beautiful theater inside like a restaurant type theater. It's really nice. What's a restaurant type theater? What does that mean? Like it's a restaurant, but they got a big stage over there, but the tables are designed for comedy. You know what I mean? So it's not just like a dinner theater kind of thing.

It's just, it's a good, no, it's just starting a comedy club. Side-spin is just open. They had their first week. Everything's slowly opening. Are people going? Yeah. How was size, but is today, I mean, they're doing good? I don't want to insult anybody. It's something they had a name person there. So I don't know, you can't judge it by that. Find out who that was, mush. One way to find out who's at size, but as this weekend, knocking it out of the pack,

he may have, he may have degree, I don't know. Yeah, I think we were dying to come out. Yeah. Well, how about the fucking in, in Queens, they're doing that show in a parking lot on the back of a fucking pickup truck, nightmare. Nightmare, next week. Are you really?

Yeah, fuck it, it pays well. I need, I'm so rusty. I need to get up. Pays a hundred bucks. Yeah. Who is that? Mike Baldwin? No, that was funny. He's funny. It's not him. It was last week. Oh, he's good. How he is funny, huh? He's funny. Yeah. He's not a name, but he's funny. I need to like I always want to know who the funny guys are as far as like should I bring them on the show and I usually just ask Bert and Bert just said yes to everybody and he gave me some Bob bigger staff and You know the couple of eyes. I'm like I'd be kidding or this shit. I just don't want to say no to anybody Right, right, right now Mike. He's like a one-line or he kind of headberg type, but he's great jokes

That's great. I don't know about him on the radio, but as a commentberg type, but he's great jokes. That's great. I don't know about him on the radio, but as a comment. Yeah, like there's great comics that are shitty radio and then the other way around. Totally great radio guests that are kind of mediocre comics. This is who was there last weekend. Yeah, that's a guy. Sharad Small. We were all thinking it was like paranormal. I know that guy. Yeah.. I know that guy. Yeah. Yeah. He's nice guy. We have empty seats up in front. Look at that. So they don't have anybody up front. One guy in the front's got a clan hood on. So many branded Calton Kelly on there. Look at that.

That's great. That's funny, dude. What room is that? That's a small is that the open mic room? No, that's just a bad angle of the stage. Oh, okay. Okay. This is your your your your supper club here. No, no That's that side split is just a bad angle of it's just a bad angle of the pictures size you know sides footers, right? I know well. I'm back over there every year, but I use as a bookshelf and a couch on there. Oh, God, new owner took all that shit out. Oh, good, good.

I hated the backdrop. BT and his wife own the place now. So they cleaned it all off. The the food dogs gone, right? I did comedy before Mark. They opened. That's right. Well, I did. I did it before you before. Oh, yeah. Well,

when was that? I was at October or something. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, Mike did a set and yeah, when you do 10, 15 minutes, killed it. I was almost a full house and then Mike said, I'm doing a show and it filled up sold out in two seconds. Yeah. And then Mark got on the air on on two days with stories and he said so many nice things about me. And every nice thing he said, Joel, this negated it with the fact that I was fat and ugly. No. I have it on tape and I'm going to play it for Joel, this week's in the studio and then I'm going to punch him in the face. Sure. He hears this. He's going to be checking like a little. I've already told him to his face on the show.

But I want him to stress about it for the next fucking six months till he get to. He will. I know he likes you. I don't know. I like him too. And I'm not going to like not have him on the show or not. But I'm going to punch him when he's in the studio.

Yeah, Michael, Michael, Michael, I'm going to punch him to where he feels it every time he thinks here is my name is Armhert. If you say, look at me, look at the camera, because that's me. I'm gonna look at my square, okay? Look at it. Yeah, it's not, it's not. I wish I could rearrange the squares,

so I know, you know what I mean? Just look straight at the camera when you want. Somebody to know that you're looking at him. Look at me. I'm looking right at I'm a punch journalist. No, he's a sweet punch him. I'm gonna punch him like your friend I'm gonna punch him like in this thigh Meat of his arm, but he's gonna yeah

All right, what was he calling you if no nor what's your name again? Mark Mark. Mark Kevin. What was he calling him? Why was he doing that? I don't remember this at all. Mark was like the show is almost sold out and then Caldice said he was gonna come out there and it's sold out and then he stayed for the whole show.

What a good guy and I'm like, oh man, I had a great time. I'm glad he was doing cool and he's like, and he's got a band and he's good doing well. And Joe was like, yeah, too bad. He's so fat and ugly. He'd have a great line.

I was like, mother fuck, you beanie-looking motherfucker. Wow, that doesn't sound like the Joe I know. Look at this exactly like the Joe you know. I was listening to it in the shower, getting ready for work, because I listened to your show. That was right. I was listening to it in the shower getting ready for work. Cause I listened to your show. That was the last show I listened to, by the way, turn me off.

Damn, so you had to see your body while he was calling your fat. Oh, that's tough. Part of me, you agree with him. Come on, this is your problem. You understand? We have to get, whatever chip, we have to get a fix.

I always bring it up chips. What is that about, Mark, that I can never get mad at you? I think you're getting in somewhere. That's my face and it makes me laugh. And then it's because you're adorable. I don't know what I'm, it's out of love. I like you, you know, I like everybody here. Mark is a very funny. He's always funny, but he's it's there's the one problem though

is that it's hard to get close to you because you don't ever open up. I know I'm scared to open up. It's a security. It's a fear. Yeah, but like I've had heart to hearts with you know my cannon Joe list dan soda Lewis I've not like we've never It's hey, how you doing? What's going on? Nice tits, you know, and then You know, I mean why is that? Do you have? Do you have a front like a close friend that you open up to on comedy or you just that one?

Oh, yeah. I mean, me and Joe, we do a pot every weekend. We've hung out, we did the pot, we hung out for six hours after just talking about our feelings and we share it. I told him about Alan, the therapist. Like I gave him his number. Like me and Sam are ill or tight.

I got a ton of guys, uh yeah I just I don't know older men maybe is tough with with the dead thing. Not calling older but you know what I mean. I think you just dead and fat. But listen, everything is fat. By the way, Mark and I had a hard to hard and doubly sick. That's right. And the booze helps too. You're sober. So that could affect things. But yeah, we had it. We had it out. Mark and I are on the way out. I'm very. What?

Mark and I talked shit about someone on the way to Asbury. We bonded. Boo. Boo. I can tell. I can't really. Why would you bring it up if you're not going to fucking reveal it?

It's about bonding. That's not the point. No, the point is you could have just said being Mark bonded about something on the way. You don't have to say you talk shit about somebody. Well, it feels awesome. It was Ralphie May, so it feels weird now. You see, I can't help it, but yeah, I bought a counter, I bought it with with the gab me and Mike fucked once. You were telling you. Yeah. Yes. We bond over that feature. The guy you would you would ask me question that's Antonio and he would try to answer them. Right. Right.

You remember the feature mosh that had the t-shirts? Slain ham. And then I gave him a big tech, I was like, listen dude, you gotta stop because you're killing yourself. You can't grow. You're always gonna have to do that joke until you're out of t-shirts, but you gotta thousand them. And I'm like, just don't do the joke, do something else. And I'm gonna just say good night.

Just go out there and sell shirts. They'll buy them just the same I'll promote them, but you're fucking you do a big commercial that you're building building building You stop everything to do this fucking and then to do this commercial. It's stupid. You say good night Do you joke a night? I'm out. Thank you and say I'm selling my merch if you want to buy and they'll come. It's the same. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're so right. The next thing goes, dude, I'm not doing that. You're right. Thank you so much for talking to me. He just brought another shirt the next night. Sure. And then when I work with him with Gary, he did the thing from before. So yeah, he I guess he had 1500 shirts that he has to get rid of. Yeah. I got to tell you, Bobby, you on the road

have a rep for not letting the opener sell. Have you heard this? No, tell me. I've just said, I've heard it from two or three people, different sources. I over Bobby once, I try to sell my whatever and he wouldn't let me. Now, I can defend Bobby on this because I've worked with you enough times where you gave

the feature advice and they'll just take it shitty because they're bad features or selling at their merge in a bad way. Right. Shouldn't be fucking selling merch. You should be selling your jokes. Yeah, I agree. That's what we do. When you came, you became a fucking store.

Yes. Oh, I need the money. How do you get more money? Become a better comic and become a headliner. But Bob, but you also one of those guys who calls features out for their bullshit. When they do that thing, we're like, they try to make the show about them. You know, like they set up their shop. Like, oh, you'll come out and they'll be right where I'm supposed to, like you're

supposed to stand as the headliner. Yeah. You know, to kind of, you know, hey, thanks for coming, appreciate to take a photo. They got a fucking flea market set up. And they're literally walking up. Thank you so much for coming.

I appreciate you being here. Thank you. Who the fuck are you? You, you have a Honda Civic and it's dirty. All right. All right. I'm not a fucker. I had a feature one, this clock sucker made more money than me one weekend.

It happens. They did two free tickets. They gave this coupon to the guy. So every shirt that he sold, he gave them a free ticket to come back that the club was giving out anyways. So people wanted the free ticket. So back that the club was giving out anyways So people wanted the free ticket so they just bought the merch right he was in front of me And then he went and gambled and made another three thousand oh Jesus he took the merch money and gambled this fucking lunatic made more money

I mean this guy walked away with fucking 10 G that weekend. Wow. Yeah, I get it. I'm with you. I'm with you. I just I feel guilty because when you headline and they're feeling like I'm making no money, I deflie here, I'm staying on a couch and all this, you're like, all right, all right. Set up the fucking, uh, you know, the sale. I think that if you do that, you're always going to do that. Right. If you do that, you're always going to do that. You're never going to take the risk to go to New York or LA. You're never going to fucking go and bust your ass in the city, open mics, getting people to go, bringers, whatever the fuck you got to

do. And you're never going to hang out. You're're just gonna be on the road, trying to make, you can't become something from the fucking road. Right, right. You have it. It blows my mind while people will do to avoid writing an act. You know, they're like, I'm gonna start a festival or I'm gonna, you know, do this video and go viral. It's like, just write a couple jokes.

Have some good singers, make the crowd laugh. But it's hard I guess Yeah, I mean look you can become a you can become a headliner in your own town A lot of guys in Cleveland Chicago you form a community do your shows get better and wait till somebody goes hey, well you come headline And if you want to go middle go middle, but don't why the fuck do you need to make and wait till somebody goes, hey, where you come headline? And if you wanna go middle, go middle, but don't, why the fuck do you need to make $4,000? Yeah.

You fucking, you're making money off of a product instead of your jokes. Hey, I'm, you're fucking jokes. The action is my product. I'm with you, I'm with you. But I just feel guilty. I feel I feel bad for the kids You know, they're like I had to quit my job at

Apple bees and I'm here so I got to make money, you know, yeah, but they didn't that's the thing They didn't have didn't have to I didn't quit I had five jobs. I work five fucking jobs and did comedy in Boston I work overnight. I work days. I delivered flowers, I worked with mentally handicapped, I worked with juvenile in the liquids, I was a waiter, and then I did comedy every night, every single night I went out and did stand up. Every fucking night, for years, I did that. And that's what you're supposed to do. That's what everybody has done from the beginning of fucking stand up comedy. And then you transition out of your jobs when you are good enough and people wanna hire you.

Yeah. Then you don't work anymore and you're making money. I lived on 97th Street, 30 Lex, cockroach and festive apartment, holes in the floor with Billy Burr for $350 a month. I had a room that a guy walked to, he had a walk through my room to get to his room. Right, okay.

I mean, you do what the fuck you gotta do, man. Yeah. It took a 17 hour bus ride to fucking Virginia for 500 bucks and then took it home. I made friends for life on that trip. Yes. No. It's like with you.

But what is the ceiling with these guys? You know, you beat some guy in Cincinnati who's like, I'm making eight grand in merch. I'm making 200 bucks doing comedy. What, I mean, what's the end game? Are you just going to do that forever? Are you ever going to move? Are you ever going to try to get on TV or try to, you know, sell a special anything? It doesn't feel like there are more grifter than comic. Yeah. Yeah, right. And look at this guys, I don't really do that

at the last year. Guys like, hey, you mind if I sell? I'm like, yeah, just fucking none of you shit. You know what I mean? I don't bring merch. But if I, when I was bringing merch, and I got to compete with this fuck, you know, sell it a bracelet with a slogan on it that he didn't even come up with.

Yeah, it's weird. It's up my dick. And people walk up to me, are you selling anything? Yeah, you already bought it, my act. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. I mean, I sound like a grumpy old man, but it's like, fuck you.

Do what you want, but you're, you're, you're, you're, to me, you're just selling yourself short. I don't know any comic that was selling merch at a show before they were a headliner. It just doesn't make sense to me. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. As a feature, you're just like, I want to get good. I want to get up. I want to get better, build an hour. I wasn't thinking about t-shirts. So I need a funny slogan. I don't sell radio show t-shirts. That's a big thing. I just don't want to take advantage of my audience and just everything we say through it on the shirt. Look, you make 14 million a year. It's easy to say that. You know what I mean?

You're really making 14 million dollars a year. Yes. Yes. Well Gabby's about to slide off her chair. But, oh. She's about to be in the back guys again. I'm going to talk guys out. I'm meant to talk guys out now. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, wow.

But there's a ton of money in merch. So I get it. You know, you always get that one guy in your year like, hey, man, I made an extra 70 grand last year on t-shirts. You're like, oh, shit, maybe I should do it, but it... Look at me. I know, I get it.

But here's my thing too, if you're gonna sell something, sell your fucking jokes. I agree. Sell your album. Why do you have a T? I get it, but if anybody should have a T, it should be the headliner. If he's going to have a T-shirt or anything else,

other than his album But if you're a middle of why would you sell some if you sell your album? You're getting your work out there So more they're gonna pass that on they're gonna tell people hey listen to this You're promoting yourself more than a fucking t-shirt with a dumb joke with a stupid number on the joke You you have to do that joke. You have to be the same comic every night. It just doesn't make sense to me.

You're literally painting yourself in a box, and if you sold your fucking album at the end, no, I have a shitty it is, but you're half out, you're a 34 minute album. All right, easy on boss, will you? Yeah. My counter is falling asleep as we're doing. I know, I feel bad.

This is coming inside. I like hearing this stuff. I have no business. Listen, I'm not a comedian. You have fallen asleep. What? Names. Oh, we got to read the names.

Yeah, we got to read the names. Anyways, you don't sell anything do you? Me? No, not you. I don't know it Mom Mike Mike mark I started doing these features started doing it. So I was like fuck it I might as well because you get an extra two grand for the weekend. So I bring like you know a couple shirts What do you shirts say? It's pretty embarrassing

They're all over my website. I couldn't think of anything and I had to get something pretty quick So I just wrote comedy That's it you wear that in your promo shot Yeah, yeah, all the time comedy. Yeah, I couldn't think of anything and I'm doing comedy So why the fuck not? I'm not gonna have some dumb zinger on there or a weird logo like a skank, you know, so I just said comedy. And they sell pretty well because, you know, if you're a fan of comedy, you want to let people know, I guess. That's so funny. You know, hard. I've been trying to find a packy. What is that? funny. Um, you know, hard. I've been trying to find a packie.

What is that? I can't ask. Can I ask you a question? Sorry. What's pat? I'm sorry, Mike. I just think that that t-shirt that he came up with is just brilliant. Well, really, I thought you were at the slammy. I didn't know because first of all it's it's brilliant Because I mean it's so simple there it is I'm left so simple. Oh look at this We're one of the same See mine's shorter brevity is the soul of wit Oh, sorry, who's pack who's pack who the fuck is packin? You want to tell him this?

That's not guilty. Pack is just some crazy kid he went to school with the high school with. So we all got we all got shit face in Ireland and we did a big podcast with like five of us at around a dinner table. And we were just telling stories about high school and our crazy friends. And I used to have this friend. He was about four foot six tiny little kid. He was the bravest, most ballsy kid I ever met. His name was Packey. His name was Patrick. We called him Packey because he would just drink beers

by the case. And you could say anything, go up to that black guy and say a racial slur right to his face. And he would do it. He would just, hey, how about you? You fucking whatever. And the black guy would be like, what the fuck? This little kid, it was like a, I don't know if you ever saw the man show, but they would send Andy Melonakis. They put him in a Cub Scout uniform and sent him off to like, you know, try to buy beer and shit. It was like our personal.

Yeah, it was our personal one of those and he would jump out of moving cars. He would fist fight anybody. He was the ball just kid. He eventually got put in a like boarding school and in the middle of nowhere, you know, sleep in, basically jail for kids. But uh, yeah, he was a crazy kid. This is gonna bother me forever. Any Milwaukee's was not the kid from the man show. Ah, sorry. You know I'm talking about Aaron Hamill, is this name? Nice, nice pull there. Yeah.

Are you sure? Positive. That was like a weird mandela effect thing. Boom. But yeah. Do we freeze up? What just happened there? Oh, I think I know you'll fall asleep.

I'm not falling asleep. I'm not falling asleep. I'm doing everybody. This is why zoom sucks. Because if we were in the fucking altogether studio, I would have thrown something at both of you. I'm I'm Instagramming for the show. Well, I think I'm gonna sign that comes up that says Instagramming while you're Instagramming. Ha ha ha ha. Put that witch finger down. Ha ha ha. That would have hit my asshole. Ah! Ha ha ha ha.

Same joke. Ha ha ha. But yeah, didn't you have a cra- I think white guys, this sounds weird, but I think white dudes used to be crazier back in the day before internet. Yeah. Yeah, and now, you know, we wanna seem progressive and nice easier back in the day before internet. Yeah. Yeah.

And now, you know, we want to seem progressive and nice, so we kind of like tamp it down. And every white guy now who's crazy just has a mega hat on or whatever, but like, I feel like young white boys were so wild back in it. Like when I grew up in the late 80s, early 90s, it was a different ballgame. Where was this Arizona? New Orleans. New Orleans. Yeah.

Maybe New Orleans kids. Why? I mean, you're from Florida. You must have seen kids wrestling gators and getting tased. I'm from Stan Allen. Oh, Stan, even better. The Wu Tang. Yeah, those guys, the kids I grew up with are fucking nuts.

They're still nuts. They're the only people during this whole ride that are still sending me racist text. Everybody else is like, yeah, even I feel bad. I'm putting up a black thing on the pin. These guys are sending me racist text during the show. I'm like, you guys are the worst. All New York City cops. There you go. There you go. Jesus, Mike, why would you bring that up? I'm just because I didn't mean to think I was taking an amp. Well, I really woke us up, didn't it?

To the reality of fucking where that I was listening to you guys talk. Sometimes I listen to the bird's podcast and he's talking to comedians about not while you're on it. Different. and he's talking to comedians about not while you're on it. Different glit. You're a fucking fat sleeper. That's what we're saying, PEP. Where's that shirt? I left it in Ireland.

I see you. I look over. Mike's like this. I already got Chinese eyes. I'm worried that you're dead. Like you know, if I have to turn my eye away from the camera for anything, it looks like I'm... That, no, that right there.

When I see that... Yeah, that's just me looking away from... Like, I look at the camera, I gotta look up. Every time I head like this, you think I'm asleep. I'm gonna get fucking virtual reality glasses to do this show. Now, Mark Frost, oh, virtual, you should. You should put sunglasses on. Well, this is the deal. From now on, when you're gonna check stuff, you should you should put sunglasses on well this is the

deal from now on where you're gonna check stuff you have to put your sunglasses on fine I live far away with the guy own sunglasses I don't know the me there I'm gonna bring you some I don't know I thought all right all right what are doing here? I know what are we doing? Anyways, defensive to blind people. Jesus Christ. But yeah, yeah, crazy. You were crazy. You were fucking reform school, right? You probably saw a constant in Juve. You probably got raped.

Never got raped. Never got raped. You don't get raped in Juve. You're not in long enough. If you're better looking to do. What would you say if I'm better? I was hot back then. Young bad young Brad Pitt, young Patrick Demsie, all the good looking ones got rapes.

Oh, yeah. Let me tell you some. First of all, don't fuck up myself as team about that. I was hot, okay? I definitely should have been raped. That's right. I don't know. We did old you because you're out in three months.

You're gay if you get raped. It's like, dude, you can't wait three months. It's like, yeah. All right, well, you just want to suck dick then you fucking anti asshole. Anytime anybody calls in and talks about jail, I go, how long we in there before you get gay stuff and they go, uh, nobody wants it, man, but it took a while.

I can imagine you get so horny. I mean, you just messed up. Nobody wants it, man, but I get it to go wild. I got to imagine you get so horny. I mean, you just pent up. You know, sweet normal would be in jail. Oh, I'd be I'd walk in bent over. You be cracking jokes. Hey, nice balls. Where'd you get those? Where'd you get those? We should play bachy with those later. What do get those? We should play bachi with those later. What do you think? I'm just joking. Stick it in. Oh, wow. I think it doesn't hurt at all. You digs real small. Anyway, drop the soap. Can we get some body wash in here? Hey.

So you're staying in New York City, you just moving up a little further. Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah, a little bigger. This is literally 400 square feet. I got a plus size lady. It's, it's getting tight plus size, lady. Your lady's not big. I've seen no, no, no, no, she's not in baddies. No, no, no.

Now she's a nice lady, large bosom and ample, ample breast. But yeah, I mean, two people in here is insane. Did you make or go out? Because you met most of the time, Cal, he has to, anytime he's on a podcast during this whole thing, he has to walk around because his place is so small. So every show he's done, he's on the streets with his phone. Let me turn the camera on. Let's give us a tour. Oh, it's bad news, man. Kitchen bathroom with the the the the the vented door. What do you call that?

Yeah, that's a nice mirror as you. Okay. Okay. This is Conan's and whatnot's and there's my TV cactus. That's the living room. There's my wall of fame. Here's me with Norma McDonald, George Carlin, David Tell, Louis Seagull, Michael J. Bobby Kelly. You name it and yeah yeah that's about it. Yeah that's the bedroom. Oh that dark room there. That's not bad. All right I'll take it.

You are right up ahead. You are right up against the kitchen there aren't you? Oh yeah it's a kitchen. That's just that's the size of my shed I'm gonna be not Jerry Seinfeld up there. Oh, I got Seinfeld as well. Hold on hold on. Let me Just up here. That's a really rocket. It's us Look at that framed Wow, the dinner And the good theater Wow, I took that please that casual photo. Oh, thank God as his security dude took it I like slipped him of 20 off stage

Now are you still friends with Jerry? I text him the other day and he watched my special Wow, what do you say? He called me a faggot. No, no, he just said, you know, great stuff. I love this, love that. He was, I couldn't believe he said down and watched it. He quoted jokes from like the end. So he must either watch it or fast forward of it,

but either, here's the weird thing. He was so nice, I was like, oh my God, thank you. That means the world to me. And then my girl goes, did you tell him you liked his? I was like, oh, god. Thank you. That means the world to me. And then my girl goes, did you tell him you liked his? I was like, oh shit. Why would you lie? I would do a lot of jury science. Hey, type back. I love the way you jumped out of the helicopter in yours. That was cool. He really did that by the way twice. Whoop. But yeah, so then I wrote back like, oh, I loved yours. You know, and then he was like, okay, thanks.

Yeah, so then I wrote back like, oh, I loved yours. You know, and then he was like, okay, thanks. Now, did you see what I tweeted about your special? I did. I really appreciated it. I was too scared. He would see it. I know. You couldn't retweet mine. Of course, of course. I'm not, but see. But it was, it was very nice. Thank you. I tweeted, it's better than Jerry's. but it was, it was very nice. Thank you.

I tweeted, uh, it's better than Jerry's. Well, you know, he's got a zillion. I got to try. He doesn't. He did. No. Did you see a special? I did. And I saw a side stage, basically. Oh, really? You were there. Yeah. Yeah.

No. So, uh so we should move on Does Jerry sell merch No, he's got a guy who does Me no, no, no, no, no, no, I think he's got a I think you don't Yeah. Me. No, no, no, no. I think he, I don't think so. You're down here, New Year's Eve this year. That's right. And I got to fucking polish my act,

because I want to come down there guns blazing, but uh. What sucks is I'm off the air because Christmas time, but I'll be around. Come on, come on. Let's promote it now. I mean, New Year's Eve, get your tickets now because they'll sell out. I'm in Dallas this weekend. I'm at the improv. Wow. I'm at Versace this weekend.

Mushes at the Minneapolis Target. I'm at the laugh out loud, San Antonio this weekend. Oh, hey, San Antonio this weekend. Are you? Yeah. Well, we should, uh, we should, uh, we shouldn't like Mike. I know. I feel it. I love Mike.

What are you talking about? Yeah. Off the area. Like, on the area. I just put the shit that Austin says. You're like, you're like, the guy who doesn't like me, me and Lou are the two people who are in the song. Oh, he didn't put you in the song.

Yeah, he totally did. No, he put the picture in everything. He put the picture of me, but it's the half a gay thing that's from the theme song. It's like, I'm not actually mentioned. I'm not in the song either. Don't feel bad. I'm not in the picture. That's like I'm not actually mentioned. I'm not in the song either. Don't feel bad. I'm not in the picture. That's true. Mark's in it. Why would you be in the song though? Gabby?

Because I'm the face of this operation. I can't. The song is what I'm going to do. Your confidence makes me sick to my stomach. All right. Well, listen, um, dude, it was nice seeing you. Thanks for coming on. And I'm so glad you're inside and instead outside on a fucking scooter walking around. Thank you. Even though that would have been epic

if you just got a nice fucking Coke bottle to the head. That would have been good pot. You still be doing jokes. shoot through a Best Buy window. That would have been good pod. You still be doing jokes. Jeans, you're just asked what a bottle for you. Feels like the worst buy. Well, do you want to my favorites? I love you.

Oh, Colin Quinn sent me a message. Oh, shit. What do you say? I'm not going to remember. Norman, I'm still mad about what he said about banging one of my sisters. I'm not here. How about that foul and black face? Colin Quinn keeps sending me these fucking songs. So annoying me. Like what? I'll let you hear it if you want. It's fucking, he sent us to me all day long. These fucking dumb songs.

And it's like, what does he think about the riots? Where's his position? What's his thoughts? What do you mean? Like, has he mentioned anything about it? Fuck. Fuck. I Get old see now

I need him I'm a Christ me fucking nuts She's on my pillow Dean deep Friedman Ariel Drive me baddie keep sending me this shit all day every day He's sending me these tunes and they'll call me up later and homin into the voicemail into the voicemail. I mean, let's read the name for a quick. We only have 20.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Ready? Well, stick with us real quick. I read all the names from the Patreon. And from the what?

Patreon. Patreon. Patreon. And these are the new members. Now it's the beginning of the month, so we lost a few people, but we gained a bunch of people. And I like everybody.

I wanna let you know how much we appreciate you guys being here, and I wanna read your names to let you guys know. We know you here, and thank you so much. So let's start with Dutch Blahblastlizl, Zil. Nailed it. Chris Adams, Carrie Walsh, Thomas Joseph, Chris Collins, Brendan Daly Lee,

CJ, Deeplam, Francisco, Oak Levitt, Eric Poeckowski, Garrett, Divina Santos. Dylan, that might be Dylan. That's Dylan. That's the name Dylan. Dila Justice Mo. Roberto Jardano, James Altature.

Oh, he's big. I know. I'm going to have a standup New York. He's a millionaire. Is he really? Yeah. He don't stand up New York. Oh, really?

Yeah, he'll pay you a five bucks. No, he's paying 25. Oh, sorry. Well, thank you very much for joining all of you, especially the last one since you're a millionaire. You might want to bump that up to a hundred bucks a month. I mean, you got the cash. I know you're in a pandemic, but it's not hitting you that hard. You'll club will open up no probs. And maybe I'll

play it if you slide some money. Okay. We got a few more months to get through this pandemic before my dates come back. Creeper kids. And this is how Bob Kelly, not that I need the money, but I sure appreciate it. We're making this happen. Me, mush, I mean, you guys are the best. Gabby, Lobsha, and of course my number one best friend, the MC, the Mike Calta, the Kinga radio, the motherfucker with the big Mike and the big goddamn flipper on her. Is in a thigh named Derek. And I want to thank.

Please don't show it. Tomorrow we'll be doing the show in the same room for the first time. The first time we'll be doing culture and Kelly almost a thousand pounds of funny. I know Mark doesn't like that, but that's okay. He hates that. That people are funny. Fat people are funny. I think I give you that. But we're not good looking, a worthy of life.

Ah. Wow. According to the obesity records, you're not. What a dick. Ah, joking. Hey, I was a fat kid. I can say that. No, you get it.

I got out. You can get out. Can I see a fucking photo of you with a second stomach. I don't buy it. All right. All right. Yeah, I look like a white Leonard oots. You're gonna turn your head like this.

What'd you say about me? All right, and Mark, man, thank you so much for coming on. Thanks for having me. Be safe in the city, dude. Make sure to watch his special. And he's got a new special with Netflix, just signed a deal with him. So is that right? All right, keep it moving.

You'll be a multi-millionaire like Mike Calta next year. And hopefully Bob Kelly would be there too. Me and Gabby are gonna sell the show and we'll be Bedouc's writers, directors, and we're gonna be multi-millionaires. And if not, Gabby will still be a millionaire when her dad kicks the bucket. And me and Mush will just be here running the show,

making, we'll be hundredaires, but it's okay, mush, because we'll still love dumplings and fucking bun cakes. We'll see you guys tomorrow night. Go do this. 7 o'clock. Joe, this is getting up to you. Joe, this is getting up to you. He's not going to be good about this. See you guys later.

Bye, thanks guys. I'm gonna be good about this. See you guys later. Bye, thanks guys. ¿Qué quieres? Quiero que cierre los ojos un segundo. ¿Puedo abrirlos ya? ¿Sí? ¿Dónde estamos? Estamos en mi pueblo. ¿Y este es tu pueblo? Sí. Pero si es un pueblo precioso y tú decías que era muy feo.

Bueno, ahora es bonito. ¿Y cuando dejo de ser un pueblo feo? Cuando pensé que podía ser bonito. ¿Qué quieres? Quiero que cierre los ojos un segundo. ¿Puedo abrirlos ya? Sí. ¿Dónde estamos?

Estamos en mi pueblo. ¿Y este es tu pueblo? Sí. Pero si es un pueblo precioso y tú decías que era muy feo. Bueno, ahora es bonito. ¿Y cuando dejo de ser un pueblo feo? Cuando pensé que podía ser bonito. Sí, hombre.

¿Qué tú piensas que tu pueblo puede ser bonito? ¿Y ocurre? Este viernes, uno de diciembre, Euro millones sorteó un superbote especial de 200 millones de euros. Euro millones. No hay nada más grande. Lo querías de recuerda que jueques con responsabilidad y solos y desmayor de edad. No hay nada más grande.

Lo querías de recuerda que juegas con responsabilidad y solos y desmayordedas.