Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - One on One with Paul Virzi

Episode Date: December 1, 2016

One on One with Paul Virzi Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. ¿Estás listo a Robert Kelly? ¿Qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, ¿qué es, to the You Know What Dude Podcast. This is a special edition where Robert goes one. One, one, one. With some of the most interesting people in the world. Or at least in his world.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy. You know what dude? You know what dude? You know what dude? You know what dude? The You Know What Dude Podcast. One, on one. What's up everybody and welcome back to the Versi Effect Podcast show. My name is Paul

Versi and today is Saturday, November 26th, 2016, and you guys are listening to episode number 282, and I have a very special guest. We are doing a combined episode I am here with. Robert Kelly. Oh yes. You know what, dude? Welcome to the You Know What Dude podcast.

This is Robert Kelly. I am here. This is episode whatever. I'll name this shit later. Because I ain't going into numbers. To episode 2.97. I know, I know. 3,000.

I have a very special guest. This is a one on one for premium motherfucking members. Nice. Or go over to Paul's place. I get a finata. Yeah, going for free. This is going to go up on it'll be up on iTunes for free. I'm going to actually I'm going to throw this up on iTunes for nothing too, but mostly he's going to go up on the premium member. So I'm here with Paul fucking

Verzy. Oh, my Westchester bestchester. Dude, this is the first time ever that the TV e podcast has merged with the you know what Dude on one show Sit in here in the shed. This is great. How the hell are you? Do we have it? You have not been on my show And I've been on your show. I've really been on your show with less than fucking 18 people 18 Yeah, I like 18. I actually I actually when I first walked into your podcast dude I go what the fuck is Bobby doing? I mean, he's a nice guy.

Why the fuck are those seven people? And then you would go, yeah, and someone says coming up too, make room. And that would be a joke. But it actually ends up, you're really good at letting people get their time. Because I thought it was going to be a shit show. I mean, believe me, I've yelled at fucking people. And I know who would have a little pep talk to at the beginning. Sure, and people, I'm like, listen like listen you want to you know don't talk over

people the certain pep talks I have to give have you ever had a really fucking have you ever had an uncomfortable fight on your show with somebody I was I was on one where you did with somebody yeah where you were just yeah just somebody yeah you were so you were just like what the fuck and then it calmed down real quick but did you ever get into it with somebody where they walked off your show enough of course I'm a fucking psychopath. I'm a fucking bipolar Italian Irish from Boston. No, everything's gone swimmingly

with all these fucking alpha guns that I invited into my fight. Yeah, they had narcissistic comedians. Yeah, everything went perfect. Yeah, no boundaries just stepped on. I've had a couple. One was, had one with Derosa, had a couple with Derosa. Because me and him used to do it out of my house.

And I started up by myself, then I went to me and Joe used to do it. And, you know, of course, me and Joe fought all the time. I remember one time we had a fight in the back of a cab with Morgan Murphy in the middle of us. Oh my god. And we were screaming at each other. Yeah. And I think he screamed at me, stop screaming at me. And I went, that's not fucking screaming. And like I just brought it up to another level. Like what the fuck? Yeah, when King Kong fucking was fighting Godzilla, but then he got electrified and electricity gave him extra juice So I want to ask you this because you Are kind of live in the life we're living the same kind of life. We're gonna go back and forth with questions

This is I like this. No, this is this is a first because we're merging my questions of my show You're gonna be great, but I remember when I did YKWD and you were just like, even off the air, you would go, dude, my son's coming, dude, my baby's coming and like, this is like, what's it, you know, and you were like, I think I'm gonna go to Westchester too. And you did it and a lot of people talk shit. People would text me, hey, what neighborhood

I'm thinking about doing it. I'm, you know, like, you know, those fucking guys, like I'm thinking of me while they got fucking, they make a 12 grand a year and live in a story. I cover the, here's the thing though, a lot of people do that. And then you start looking at these fucking, oh, you need fucking 60,000 down. You need what? Is it, can I get something up there for 51,000? My uncle's going to give me 5,000 for a down payment. He owes me for this Chevy Impala, I fucking repair it. Fuckin' shit.

Yeah. Reality hits. Yeah. When you look, I'll tell you, it's funny because when I got the kid, my original thing was two years in the city in my apartment. I wrote my apartment, 47, between 9th and 10th. I'm like, this is gonna be great. I'm gonna bring my kid up here.

I got into a fight the night I got home from the hospital with a homeless guy. Oh wow. The shirtless fucking cocksucker kicked one of my dogs. What? Yeah, he kicked my dog, Calbee. I heard the yelp. Oh, so we're face to face.

Literally, I just brought, it's too something. I just brought my kid home. Wow. Three days in the fucking hospital, something like two days in the hospital. I had my whole life fucking changed. I'm on the phone with my mother, tell her that everything's okay.

I'm wiped. And this guy's fucking kicked my dog, no, it's a no. Oh my God. So he's like, fuck you, you motherfucker, watch your dogs. I'm like, I'm fucking, you fucking don't kick an animal. We're going back and forth. No, he's gonna fuck you up, I go, I will fucking kill you, right?

Fuck you. You think you're fucking not you fucking piece of shit. He goes, then he goes, you don't like black people? Oh my god. As loud as he could, now it went, I love black people. I fucking keep throttles in. I'm from just Kevin Hart. You start naming everything. I know Billy Burr is married a black woman. I have black people all my life. I got Patrice on the O's my best friend. I you know Patrice has started doing bits.

Malcolm XXL motherfucker. Yeah, I was saying. Yeah, I was just so far, I can't believe he did it. You know, I looked around. My all of a sudden, my fucking Polish super woman, Polish grabs me, I fear a fucking pinch of my shoulder, like the Hulk grabbed my shoulder. She grabs my shoulder, she goes, Bobby, you have baby, you don't do this no more, right? Where the fuck, that's my worst Polish accent ever, right, Russian, whatever, I go inside,

I tell my wife, I go with a fuck out here. I call DC Benny, you know DC Benny? Yep. Okay, one of the funniest guys, I came up with him in New York. He does real estate for Sotheby's or whatever, right? I go, how long will it take me to get the fuck out of here? He goes, you're gonna have to sell your place, then you're gonna have to take that money,

put it in the bank, rent a place. Right. And then buy. Unless you got 200 something thousand in the like 250 thousand right now. And you did that all quickly, didn't you? He goes, I go, how long is he going to take? He goes, six months is the fucking minimum. And I guarantee it won't happen Six months to the week Wow, I fucking I let me tell you something my move. I had a baby. Yeah, I sold my place I rented a place and then I bought a place and ripped that fucking sign off the lawn Yeah in six months. Wow. Yeah, I it was I moved twice. Yeah, I moved twice

I moved three times actually because that I moved everything into a storage unit and Then from the storage unit to the fucking rent the house and then from the rent the house to the new house Wow in six months. It was it was a fucking nightmare But this the night I got into this house. Yeah, and I sat out my front lawn, my little baby was crawling on the front lawn, and my neighbor Dolores Italian Irish older woman next door, walks up and her scrants and bobby's across the street. I was like fucking suck my fucking fat fucking country nut. I wasn't as funny how when you move up here you look at people who aren't here like

they're nobody's like they're nothing. Yeah, the only difference between up here I had to learn instead of going fuck you to somebody's face. I had to learn how to pant them I'm a through a window. I had a red light. Oh yeah, it's the best. I just fucking look around on you fucking people. You fucking animals are living and fucking it's the best. I just fucking look around going you fucking people. Yeah, you fucking animals are living in fucking This is the living up here. So you have a little boy you have a for you guys at Don't know Bobby has a beautiful little son

Name Max. He's living in Westchester County. Basically what you guys have been hearing me talk about on my show But you were a guy you were a city fucking guy dude like you were like I remember you kind of being really hesitant Like what's it like, what's it like? And you go, you're quicker than me to the city. You're 25 minutes? I'm around, I can make it 25 minutes from the 79th Street boat basin exit to my house. Is it around 25 minutes?

No traffic. That's fucking great. Yeah, I dropped plenty of markets off the other night. I was fucking at my door in under 25 minutes. I mean, that's mean, that's ridiculous. See me, you do the seller, I do the stand is my home club. From my door to the stand, no traffic is about an hour. Okay, with traffic, so you mean you don't even have a half hour drive.

Well, here's the thing though, anytime you come up here, and I'm being real, because we all lie. I was just, I lie. Look everybody who lives up here lies to the people that live down there. Look, with no cars, no lights. Listen, if the apocalypse happened, and one road in my car survived, I'm doing it.

As long as there's no deer or muskrats, if I don't see one muskrat on the road. See all people on the road, meet going 95. If it's all BMWs and I'm flying down the road, we're good. I'll make it there in fucking eight minutes. And we always think the GPS, which is a computer, fucking waste. We're like, nah, nah, they say 45.

I'm telling you right now, dude, I'm doing it. Yeah. Totally. Yeah, exactly. You could, you could, it says it, and they're doing it, like we're not in nothing no traffic the best route There's five different routes all five routes. Fuck you. It's an hour and twenty minutes. Yeah, I know I know I always fucking I always lie about it a little bit

Yeah, but here's the thing There's the people down there. I never wanted to be up here. I was a city guy Because my dream I remember when I moved to New York and of course everybody knows the story, I moved in with Burr and that fucking crazy place. It was so magical that I didn't give a fuck about roaches and holes in the floor, sleeping on the couch. I mean, look, when Burr was in town, I had a sleep on the couch or he had a sleep on the couch and that couch was from his father's dentist office

from the 70s. So it was like wool cushions that just absorbed the heat. And then a wood post. And I remember every day, one of us would just crack down, try to lie down and just whack our heads on that fucking couch.

But here's a deal. One day I came home with a couch from the garbage. I was like, what the fuck are you doing, Doug? I found this fucking and it folds out. He's like, what the fuck? It's got a pie, you found? There's a stain, like mustard stains on it. But yeah, dude, but we didn't give a shit.

We didn't give a fuck. This guy just came off a go pilot with Molly Ringwall. You know, we're all making, or started to make money, but it wasn't about, it was just about having that key to go home and just get one for a little while to get the fuck back out to do spots.

Yeah. That's all it was about. Yeah, you can't talk about it. Now it's a little different. Yeah, no, of course, of course. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute, where were you guys in? I was in Hell's Kitchen.

And oh, me and Burle. You went build it? Yeah, I was paying the Charlotte 97th and Lex Okay, so right by the sex train which was fucking great because all we did was the Boston comedy club. He did He did the strip You know what I mean? Yeah, I was never gonna play in every club. I only played two fucking club. Yeah, yeah I even went on to the point now where I can play all the clubs. I don't I just it's just fucking too much But yeah, it was just it's it's moving up here Even when I go to the point now where I can play all the clubs, I don't. It's just fucking too much. Yeah, it's just moving up here. I mean, look, you're one of those guys that I forgot this.

I grew up in the suburbs. I grew up in this fucking shit. So when you move to the city for 10, 15 years or whatever it is, you all of a sudden think you're some fucking, you know, move to the city for 10, 15 years or whatever it is, you all of a sudden think you're some fucking, everybody thinks they're fucking Woody Allen. Like we agreed on, this is with city man. Yeah, I'm John McEnroe, dude.

Hey, you're not. As soon as you get back to your roots, as soon as you get back to that driveway and the driving into get your food, the neighborhood, it comes right back to you. I fold it into this shit so fast. Everybody's so scared of it. Because they think they're not gonna go do spots.

And not only that dude, like I'm up in the woods. You should have saw, you know, Vladimir Kamano, right? Vladimir Kamano, funny comic, got a pilot with NBC, and you know, it's really, really, he did, he did, yeah. I don't know, but I really, yeah. Really, you know, funny guy, he was with CH when I was with them and I went to just for laughs

and got a development deal, got a sitcom, great kid. Flats from the Bronx, okay? Flats never left the Bronx. Right, he's a city kid. City kid, never left the Bronx. Very, very reluctant to come up to me. He'd be reluctant to come to you, but you're a half hour closer than me, okay?

So you guys go to Bobby, Bobby is halfway to me. So you got to go another half hour. This kid comes to my fucking house for a party. And a big beautiful, you know, I got deer like squirrel. I mean, I literally, there's a chance I want to pull into, you know, by the way, the last time I was here, I hit a deer on a way out. No way.

Not this time. Out of my house? Yeah, hit a deer. Where? I saw a meal. Fucking thing was 100 yards up. on a way out. No way. Not this time. Out of my house? Yeah, hit a deer. Where? I saw a meal. Fucking thing was a hundred yards up. Fucking just came out. Yeah.

Yeah, hit it. Hit it. Fucked up the thing, drove home, FICO. Great, the whole front end had to be replaced. Last week? No, no, no, no, no, no. You left long time ago. Long time ago.

Long time ago. Yeah, before that. Before that. But Christ, I thought you just, no. No, hit by a deer and you never told me. No, done. Yeah, before that. Before that. Before that. But Christ, I thought you just, no. No, I hit by a deer and you never told me. That's, no, no, before that. So Vladimir, we're in my backyard on the patio and all of a sudden this big beautiful deer.

I love that you, hey, I'm sorry. What? I love that you just fucking blow past. Dude, last time I was here, last week you were here. No, the time of, yeah. So it wasn't the last time. No, no, it wasn't the last time. You get very dramatic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get into the story and then this, like, you know, you gotta figure out the time. No, no, it wasn't a lesson. You get very dramatic Yeah, I get into the story and then this like you know, I got to figure out the story I'm like what the fuck was I got kidnapped you like but anyways So so Vladimir's on my fucking deck. Yeah, and this big beautiful deer come now. He's from the Bronx Bobby he was staring at this thing like a UFO landed in my backyard He was looking at this thing. He was locked on this fucking thing I didn't even care about the deer. I don't even care about he was like this. He's going Serious he's gonna you serious. He looked at this thing like aliens landed in my backyard And he just got proof that there's extra terrestrial life, but you're right. He's a city kid man

Yeah, that's a city kid. No, he's a city kid and they don't see shit like wildlife while they do No, he's a city kid and they don't see shit like wildlife while they do We have not talking about a pit bull with a Little confident rap Like it bites a pigeon's wig off That's the national geo and that's the Nageo He just reminded me of a mark theable bit you know mark theable the mouth He just reminded me of a Mark Thea Bold. You know Mark Thea Bold? Oh, the mouth.

Mark Thea, what are you gonna say? I haven't seen that kind of long time, but he had a joke where he said his. Big smile. Isn't it? Am I out of my mind? Am I lying? I have a funny, you know, use coming.

Yeah, but close your eyes and see it. That's now that you, that's fucking hilarious. He smiles, he smiles with both lips. The, most people smile with just their upper lip. he smiles with both lips. The- T- Most people smile with just their upper lip. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Jason of pimple up the street that was one of his but like yeah that that city I'm talking about like I mean I just you ever just look at a blue Jay or you ever look I got a sad story about that 13 years old my dad bought me a pelican for my birthday My my parents divorced right yeah, so I come home and I go oh daddy bought me a pelican And she goes I don't want you having that what do you have an Pelican and you know, I don't know if he was glad she was upset, but it was just one of those fucked up things.

I go on, I start shooting birds with a stinger. I know, I know, because I'm just so serious. And no, it's fucking off. Where are you from, or are you from? No, no, Westchester. You're from, I was born in Yonkers. So I'm going up and I just see this fucking bird and I'm just shooting and finally I fucking hit its chest.

Ah. And this fucking, I'm bobbing, I know, I'm'm trying I'm gonna tell you to fucking why I can't feel motion Overall, but you're making me I've been you should feel I know what the fuck keep going so this fucking beautiful Blue J Falls at my feet fucking dude and I'm looking at this fucking beautiful fucking blue J and it's gasping for air Oh and the tip of its beak is bloody and I see it like in the movie I see in the movies where it's going like Right, I mean and I put it to its head to put it out of its misery I cried and I never fucking hunted again after that first of all let's bring it back up I think yeah you didn't even let me get that

I fucking part though first of all you weren't hunting okay no I'm not you're in hunting you're being an asshole yeah I was a big difference okay between being a fucking we have fucking blue jade at night Well, yeah I fucking horrible you should I know Okay, yeah, and I know I thought it was like fucking for those left in the world They're an end agent speech. I was 13. I shot this fucking thing and it fucking devastated me How that it's funny that when you add, look you should have sparrow a pigeon

who gives a shit a seagull fucking, can suck my dick, right? But you shoot a fucking, you shoot a, you shoot a, a, a, a colored bird. Even a Robin, I'd be like, eh? Yeah, it's up to him, but a nice, like a cardinal or a blue J. Oh my God, I know.

It's like shooting a parrot. I know, did you ever, did you ever do, did you ever, did you ever, did. I know. Did you ever did you ever do? Did you ever do you ever fucking do anything awful? We used to put I remember like stupid thing We used to like try to get fire crackers and make like a make like a like a Turtle flip or so. It's just fucking horrible man I was a little kid though and like I didn't realize it now. I'm like that was the most fucking awful thing. I think I did it to kids I think I actually did the humans. I think I actually did it to humans. I did a lot of shit that I felt bad, I feel bad for with humans, you know.

Because I know a lot of rough guys at a very young age. And I saw, you know, I kind of got in this thing where if you didn't do it, it happened to you, you know what I mean? I mean, I used to get beat up. If I didn't fight somebody, I would get beat up by my friends. Right, so you had to kind of fucking it. Well, I mean, look, I hang out with a lot of tough,

fucked up kids, you know, a lot of stuff. I mean, it's funny because I get sober at 15. I literally, when I go back to school, I graduate, I get to go to college, I got a scholarship, an arch-chall-chip to go to a community college for fine art. I'm in an English class and we're going around the room. Wait, what do you mean, scholarship to a community college?

Don't they just like, isn't it like fucking 50 bucks a semester? I don't have it. I don't have it. I don't have it. I don't have it. I don't have it. Oh, shit, man. I didn't have the 50 bucks a semester. I didn't have it. I didn't have it. I didn't have it. Oh, shit.

I didn't have the 50 bucks. That's what you're wearing. I love it. I call it fine arts. See, anybody could come though, but. It's fine. I had a painting in drawing. Are you a good painter in drawing?

Not anymore. Not anymore. At all. I would have been adequate to teach. Oh, shit. But did you do it as a hobby? But to teach kids, not like adults to become artists. I started painting again.

I'll tell you a funny story about painting, but anyways, I went to this class, I'm an English class, and here I am years later, I fucking transformed my life. I'm sober. I'm going to college. I wasn't supposed to graduate fucking, even go to high school. You know what I mean? I'm working with college. I wasn't supposed to graduate fucking, even go to high school. You know what I mean?

I'm working with juvenile delinquents that the house I once was at, I'm working at now with kids. And we're going around the room and everybody's like, you know, hi, I'm Momma and I went, hello, my name is Bobby Kelly and one kid goes,

I know who you are. Like mad. Why? Exactly. I go, what's up? He goes, yeah. You beat me up and took my mo pet. Wow. Back in seventh grade.

Holy shit. And then you took my CD player, like a week later, and I'll never forget it. Like, this, well, dude, I wouldn't either. Imagine a fucking kid just taking your shit. Wow. And I remember when we did it, I remember like, Frankie was with me, and I was kinda, look,

I was like, let's do this. And I was like, you know, so I just became this fucking idiot, man. And here I am now, my whole life fucking, and I felt like, I felt like when you shot the bruja, I mean, he didn't die this kid. I'm sure he moved on. I probably did him a favor, fucking pussy, riding a moped.

Who does that? We did it for shits and giggles. But I felt terrible about it. And it's that day, I remember I remember going up to him go look man I I I feel bad I changed I've made you know, so I'm sorry if you can take that that's cool if you can't I understand What did he do? I know he didn't take it. He didn't take it. Not really. Yeah, um, and I look Thank God I got out of that because imagine doing that in your 20s and 30s

There's people who do that shit as men. Yeah, it's good. You know what I mean? So I'm glad I got out of it. But it's funny that in therapy, I went up talking about like being an artist and going to art school and he was like, you should, you know, do it again.

And this is like a point of therapy, like maybe five years ago where I was kind of like in flux. Like it was like, I don't know what to do. And he's like, you should get a hobby. They always tell you to get a fucking hobby. So it paints, so I go home, I buy all the shit. I buy the easel, I buy all the dawn, my wife's behind, oh, this is gonna be Graham.

I'm, so I start painting every day. And I'm painting and painting and painting. And I paint this fucking, it's three heads, one scream and one's crying and one's looking straight ahead. And it's my head, right? And I do this fucking painting and I look around my therapist's office and he's got all these paintings from former clients. You know what I mean?

And depressing too, it's fucking garbage to me, right? And so I come in with this painting and I give it to him. And I'm like, I give it to him for Christmas. I go, this is a present for you. It's the first painting I've did since, you know, college. Oh, okay. Yeah, okay, two years later, we're still in the fucking closet. So one day we're in therapy, I'm fucking snapping. Lose him, I'm like, in this and that, and this fucking,

and she's a bitch. And I go, if that fucking painting's not on the fucking wall. Next time I'm here, you can go fuck yourself. No, you didn't. I'm not even kidding. Oh my God. That's fucking hilarious. It's right on the wall. As soon as you walk in right in the lobby, hanging on the wall, says from Robert Kelly, right on the fucking shittiest painting ever right on the wall next to this really great piece of art Oh, so you harbor shit you harbor bad feelings. Well, I mean look you cock sucky. You got me back in the painting Oh my god, that's the funniest thing That's a fucking great store You know you just brought something up with me that and I don't know if you do this Bobby or apparently you do,

because you just brought it up, but I do think back of the things that I did bad. You know what I mean? I do, I do. I think of things I did bad. Like, I would steal, man, when I got drunk. Oh, yeah. You know, like, I would fucking, I would go and I'd steal,

like, I really, I know it sounds funny, but like, I'd just go into bodegas, hammered. Oh, yeah. And I'd steal gummy bears and like sharp provolone, and I would fucking just steal, I know it sounds funny, but like I just go into bodegas hammered Oh, yeah, and I'd steal gummy bears and like sharp provolone and I would fucking just steal I would try to fucking even when I was a kid like my friends would good we get 40 ounces and I put like My friends still remembers he said to me, you know He saw me doing something on the NFL network as a comedian and he's like, oh dude I still remember when you had forties clanking in your sweatpants when we went to the thing and I just think back

And I think about now I have a little boy and a little girl and I'm like I wish I want to go back to everybody I did wrong or anything stupid and even if it was 10 bucks or five bucks give it back because I feel like a fucking and I know It's kid shit. Yeah, I know it's drunk shit and I know it's normal, but it's just when you grow up You're like, you know, like you said like it's sad when a fucking man is doing that shit, you know? Well, I yeah, I tell you this I Used to I used to steal TV dinners in Swanson's chicken You know, remember the chicken remember the front yet remember before microwaves you had to put it in the oven for like six hours

Right it would say it would say remember remember that shit, the TV dinner, TV dinner, it was said, it took like, fucking, it took like two days to cook a TV dinner. Remember that shit? Yeah, oh yeah. We used to steal those shit, and we weighed out front for some of the pop out of the car. Real quick, leave it running to get in the grab of pack of smokes,

then we jump in that car and take that toe. I had a friend, he was kind of heavy, and heavy and he would go in and like he didn't have much money growing up. He'd go into the supermarket and he would still lunch me and he would still cheese but he would also steal mayonnaise. He would steal like a jar of mayonnaise and mustard and then right outside he'd see him put in fucking, he'd make a sandwich right outside. I got to believe dude, look, I think these stores have to have it budgeted in that they're

gonna get robbed. Food's gonna be robbed. People gotta eat, little drunk kids. We gotta eat. And that's the only way he gotta fucking eat. You spent all you, look, I'm 13, 14. I spent all my money on hard alcohol. Wait, so you were an addict as a fucking baby. Like you were, you were, because the first time I started drinking, I started drinking, I mean, I got drunk at 13. But the first time I started drinking, drinking I was probably 16.

But you were, so you were an alcoholic, by the time you were 13, 14, 15 years old? Probably around 13, yeah, 13, 14, yeah. And you've been clean since you've been 15? 15, yeah, around 15, yeah. Holy shit you've been clean since you've been 15? 15, around 15, yeah. Holy shit. So did you like fail out of school? And like, oh, dude, I never, I went to school after school.

My thing, when I was going, it's funny now, too, is I, when I was going, when I was in like seventh grade, eighth grade, were my years that I really fucked off. Seventh, eighth, and ninth, I guess. I would get kicked. I would just go on to school. My thing was I'd always have weed and I'd go and I'd get in trouble the first day.

I'd just do something fucked up to the teacher. So I'd go to detention. Because I went to so many different schools. So I'd get in trouble. I'd go to detention. Right. But being detention, I'd have a fucking little nub of weed or a joint, and then I'd finally, I'd see you,

and I'd go, hey, do you want to get high? And then yeah, I was gonna high, now you're my friend. That's how I made my friends. So I'm in at the school, I already got friends first day. Anytime I went somewhere, I'd be in with the fucking fuck you crowd, right out of the gate. Right. So it was kind of hard. Right out of the gate. Right. So it was kind of hard to get out of that, you know, and, you know, I just, I was drinking,

I was drinking at one point just because of the, the people that was, I was drinking. You know what I mean? The people I was with, I was hanging out with 30 year olds. Yeah, it's fucking. Good, I was fucking 13. Yeah. Hanging out with, you know, 20, 30 year old guys. That's like a nightmare.

And violence. And violence. Yeah, like, yeah, exactly. Violent fucking guys. Like a 13, 14 year hanging out with guys that are violent fucking addicts. Yeah, I remember my uncles came down. My uncles are pretty tough guys.

I had five of them. I mean, I remember two of them came down one night and these 20 year old kids, I mean, they're fucking jacked, like prison jacked. And they're killers. They're just fucking killers. And they come down, hey, you see Michael, we seem Bobby, they're like, get the fuck out of here. They're like, excuse me, get the fuck out of here before you catch a beat, you know, they tell, wow. And I'm like, hey, you know, because I'd given up at that point of my family, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. This was my family now. Yeah, sure, you know? Sure. So it's, you know, those years in my life being so young and doing so much fucked up shit and doing so much drugs and doing so much drinking, I could never even chance going back to that stuff.

But, verse, you go on to other addictions, of course. Being an addict, I got addicted to meetings, they are meetings, then I got addicted to comedy. You know what I mean? I got addicted to stand up. What are you left for that, you fucking diet? No, stupid thoughts, I got. Because you're the type of dude from what I've seen as an

outsider is when you go in on something I go all in you go so all in I've never seen anything like it and I almost feel responsible for and I mean this is not bad this is our you know I talked to you many times. One of us is gonna die from this. I know I got a bit I told you though I said you know this is one of my favorite things to do and we're sitting here smoking a couple of some hearts. Yeah, let's talk about these real quick. What are you smoking right now? I'm smoking a, this is a, what is it here?

That's a Tatooahe. A Tatooahe 2012. 2012, right. And it's fucking smooth, but it's got to kick. It's a beautiful fucking stick. And I'm smoking a Tatooahe Kahone, not Grand Kahone. Okay. Kahone in 2003 2003 these things are fucking chocolate Nicaraguan which is my you guys know my podcast fans know my

favorite go to stick is a David off Nicaraguan it's it's one of my favorites and this is this is this is yeah this is the Nicaraguan are like pretty much my second to Cubans yeah nothing was like to stick that Bill Burr, that stick, that's like, you know what, that stick was like, like in Pulp Fiction when they opened the briefcase and it was gold. Yeah. And you just like, what was it? Marcelus, was it his, his, his fucking soul?

That's what they said it was? That's fine. It was fine. I'm Billy opened up. We were backstage at the garden and he goes, he opened up the box, and he goes smell that, and I reached in, and I went, oh, God. And he went, yeah, that's it, that's what I like to see.

No, he made me, like a drug deal. He brought it to my house, he goes, watch the look at these things, yeah, he brings out like the case, and I sniffed it, and he burst out laughing, because I just went, ugh. Yeah, yeah. Well, because it's funny, because he doesn't want shitticks smoking those.

No, no, which he wants to. He wants to, yeah, it's like it's like people that appreciate a Scotch or a whiskey. Right. You're not going to give it to some fucking drugs who slugs it back like a shot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, when you were at my party, you were at my...

Let's go back. How many years ago is this? So you went to my surprise birthday party, well my birthday just passed now. So you went to my surprise birthday party three years ago. Three years ago. Three years ago. I get an invite to your surprise birthday party.

Right. Up in the joint. Uh, uh, yeah, up in my house. Right. So you were sitting there and you noticed at the party. Right. You got a, you, you have buddy in the joint. Uh, uh, yeah, up in my house. Right. So you were sitting there and you noticed at the party, you got a, you, you, your buddy and my buddy, every, every, every, Janis Papa's gives you, Janis Papa's gives me a humidor. Right. Another comedian shows up with like a couple of cohebos.

Right. Somebody else got me like a cutter and a lighter. So you start looking around going, what the fuck? You know, you're really, you really like this. So somebody brought a big bag of sticks for everybody to have, and you were like, so I say we're gonna make a fire in a backyard, and smoke a stick, and I go, you don't have to,

because I didn't think, and you go, nah, fuck that, you go, I have a stick, I have a stick for you, birthday. Yeah. What the fuck happened? This guy's fucking, you had like Rocky Patel representatives in your backyard. You got huma doors to size of bigger than foot lockers. Yeah. Fucking out here. I had around 500 cig representatives in your backyard. You got huma doors to size bigger than foot lockers.

Yeah. Fucking out here. I had around 500 cigars in my house. I got my own cigar. You know what I'm feeling? I got my own cigar large. 24-hour member. I got a cigar locker.

I got four boxes of cigars in that. I felt bad because you hit me up and you go, yeah, I belonged to this 24-7 club. And I was like, what the fuck? You go, yeah, I got a locker. I got a code. I could smoke anytime. And then I saw pictures of you going on the road, doing what I do, which is you find the lounges.

Yeah, you were wherever you go on the road. That's my first thing. You know, when I go to a club, my first thing is I talk to the owner. The owner's a Providence comedy connection. You know, the omni, you know, he got a lot of it. There's a place we found a place for you. So it's the omni and we brought you these

and the owner's Corey and Matt, they brought me, they brought me a couple of sticks. It was good like a, a, a, a, we found a place for you. So it's the Omni and we brought you these and the owners Corey and Matt They brought me they brought me a couple of sticks. It was good like a Ashton or a good one right and they go by the way. There's by the way the I know you like this So you know your our headliner. We want you to have a good time here Here's two cigars and you could go to the Omni hotel, but I do that like so I know them now The army the greatest part about that is I check into the hotel. I have a private gig the Thursday, right? Good money. And I go to do this gig.

They pick me up. They pick me up. It's quarter of seven. I get there. Seven o'clock I go on. Ten of eight I'm done. Okay. Fucking eight o'clock on the nose. I'm back at the hotel. I'm done. Okay? Fucking eight o'clock on the nose, I'm back at the hotel.

I'm done. Yup. Fuck great gig. Done. Back within an hour almost. I'm back at the hotel. I go, hey, is this a guy place around here? He goes, yeah, right down the street.

I go, how far down? He goes, no, no, right around the corner right here. I go, yeah, but how far? He goes, no, sir. It's in the building. It's the same building as the hotel. Just go around that corner and you'll see it. Yeah.

I've never been happier in my life. It's, I walk around the corner. There's a fucking beautiful, beautiful, great humidor. Beauty, pretty girls. Little, little rooms with private TVs. The first time I went there, I was in a little room in the back. It had a private TV.

It was me, my brother, leather couches. It was almost like a, like a private little fucking unbelievable And every time but you want to laugh I didn't get that you want to laugh. I didn't get that Yeah, you did oh you didn't go there you fucking stick you probably walked in once you can go and set right around a For right. Yeah, no got to go in the back Fuck in the back. There's a little fucking rugs. That's always empty couches two chairs a private room Wow, and the waitress comes around the back of the bar and goes in.

It's like you have your own little private room. If you get there, it's yours. Son of a bitch. That night. Yeah. Well, I don't know if it was Stavros or somebody said something where you were posted it, found out you left that night and I walked in.

Well, we're staying at the same hotel. We were staying at the same hotel. You had a private and I had a private the next day. So I stayed in a hotel and the next day I had a show on the Friday. That Thursday I checked in the hotel you were in. So you did your show, went into the fucking cigar lounge. Right as you left, probably within 20 minutes, I walked in. Right. Yeah. But that's one of my favorites in the country How stew what how the fuck does that happen? I have no idea I have no fucking idea that you were a province we were both but I'll tell you I'll tell you but the best one you ready for this Oh, this is the best one

When you do Indianapolis. Yeah, you got to go to blend. I just went there. You want to blend? No Indianapolis Oh Yeah, you got to go to blend. I just went there. You want to blend? No Indianapolis. Oh You went to Indianapolis. You don't go to blend in a noble blend. Holy shit. You should have fucking you didn't Google it No, I'm surprised you know what I'll tell you what I'll tell you what there is an app I'll tell you what I had a sinus thing for that week so I couldn't fuck with I couldn't fuck with cigars for a week. You go into blend. You know? The humidor. Yeah.

Is the, I don't, this, the length of this whole thing, five times. Wow. Up, seal into floor, both sides, any fucking stick you want. Right. Beautiful, big leather chairs, high tops, a bar, they serve food, steaks, but it's known for top end, I know you don't drink, top end bourbon scotch. So I did it once and then when I was on the road

with Burr and Bartnik, I go, we gotta go to Blend. Yeah. And Burr was having one of those nights where he's like, I don't know if I'm gonna go, maybe you guys go, I don't know. Right. And I looked at him in the face and I said listen to me. Yeah, okay Yeah, and he's like, I don't I go bill. I promise you you have to walk into this place. You have to walk in You have to go all right. I'll go Fucking fast forward an hour and a half go this is the fucking and then you know some of the people knew who bill were there

So they thanked him for coming in right they brought over 96 dollar shots of this of this little fucking bird this thing you sip Yeah, you know some guy was with us. He just fucking slugged back. Yeah Unfucking Unfucking believable place. It's one of my favorite places. It's open to late Next time you go to Indianapolis, you got to go to the blend. So I would say blend in the Omni hotel in my two favorites. You know any other good ones? I like the Omni. Of course, I like the Porta House. Number one because it's around here, but it's...

It's a good one. I love that you come into the bar. They have the they have the restaurant now, which is different food, right? But then you can go, they have the separate cigar bar which is pretty much from Ireland. Every brick, every piece of wood is shipped from Ireland. So it's like going, you know, it's like being at Hogwarts, fucking having a cigar. It's like, you know, you're in Ireland. But it's big, but you can sit down at the table, order a steak, get an appetizer, fucking cup of coffee, cappuccino, and smoke right at that same fucking table.

You don't get up, you don't fucking move, which I love. And there's a lot of, I like, look, I'm married, I love my wife, I know. But I like when you look around and there's a bunch of sexy girls. There's regular broads there, hang out. I love my freppist, I love my wife, but I like when you look around and there's a bunch of sexy girls. There's regular broads there hanging out. I love my boyfriend. I don't want to fucking talk to any of them.

I don't want to fuck. Look, the last thing I would ever want to do is talk to some girls who's not smart, but there's a lot of girls around there smoking stoke, smoke, you know, but you know, it's good to look around and see not you. Look, I love a cigar bubble. You look around, it's just a bunch of fucking hogs. Small, hoffin' on to me, don't you mean? No, I think it's part of the experience. And I also like when the waitress knows about the cigars, but I didn't accept it.

I love that you made them waitresses. No, this is just regular brods hanging out. What do you mean? So in 1950s, I like when the waitresses with, no, they have hot bartenders, but regular girls go there to hang out. Oh, you're talking about I thought you're talking about the waitresses. No, they have You're talking about the client telling their everybody the waitresses of smoking haplog They're real friendly and they know about stokes, but the client towel too. I don't you that's why I like that place and it's you know 20 minutes from my house

The other place I like is in Philly, Ashton. Oh, I never been. Okay, so downstairs is Holt, okay. It's a huge, I'm talking a massive, it's old school, okay. Humidor, you get guys in there wearing suits, okay, that know all about the guys. You you walk in you walk in the first It's all the accoutrements and accessories right then you go in the next room

It's all it's massive humidor with every fucking cigar you could ever want right and these guys know there's you know They know what I fucking do with a bow tie in a western mustache is coming up to you telling you the fucking Little nuances of a cigar, why and where and how. So, in the back, there's another lounge with just leather chairs and TV, you can go smoke. You don't have to be in the lounge. And they got this old lady that just sits there and cleans up.

That's her, she's been doing it for 50 years, okay? She's still there. But at night, upstairs is called the Ashton bar. Oh, okay. Dude, it's fucking nuts. They have a... Oh, I went. Obstairs.

I went. Right. You go upstairs and it's a beautiful fucking bar. Beautiful bar. Yeah, and they bring you the cigars. They bring you the cigars. Yes. You can go, you can pick them, you bring you the cigars. Food, drink, smoke and hot chicks everywhere,

but the smoke thing, right? It's like this, it's a surgical smoke eater. Like it's medical. It's like, you can have 150 people smoking. No, there's nothing. There's nothing. I was in there and I could not believe I was in a beautiful place like that.

You know, when I did it, I did it after one of the greatest sets and comedy nights of my life. We did a week before Bill did the garden. His agents wanted him to get acclimated to an arena. So we did the Wells Fargo Center in Philly where the 76ers and the Flyers play. And we did that. Me, him and Madarice. Did it.

Madarice is from Philly. His family came out. We did it. And Dave Becky was there, Berkowitz was there, everybody was there, and that's what we said. Where can we go? And they brought us to this place, upstairs, and we fucking smoked a stick up there. Another great one is in the North end of Boston.

That one is the old school one, but that's a little smoky. That gets a little smoky. It gets a little smoky. I don't really like super smoky, but I'll tell you a place that I like to have. I got a little smoky in here. I know you don't like it as much. A place I love, it is a little snooty,

but I love Club Mac and Udo. You got to have this. Never been. Yeah, dude. Okay, tell him why I don't like it. Why don't you, cause why don't you? Cause you gotta have what, what are you both doing? You gotta like it Why don't you cuz it why why don't you why? Why you gotta have what what you gotta have you they don't want sneakers right you want to laugh I was so excited when I walked in there and the guy goes I'm sorry guy in a suit. There's a guy standing in a suit

Yeah, everyone's got locked you see Eli Archie Manning fucking Eli and his dad got a fucking thing in there You know who goes there all time? After Nick's games Carmelo and Carmelo Anthony. I't know. He's on the fucking cover of cigar official. He smokes the padrones, right? He smokes the padrones. So, they're like, I'm sorry son, you can't wear sneakers, he goes, but if you want, you could check him at the coat thing

and we'll give you slippers. So I said, what? Dude, I fucking give him my Jordans at the fucking thing. And I put on old man slippers, like fucking ice cube my Jordans at the fucking thing. And I put on old man slippers like fucking ice cube and fucking boys in the hood. And I'm walking around these old man slippers and I'm sitting there. But you see guys in the fucking New York Jets.

You see, then sometimes they have a live band playing. But here's one thing to buy. Are you the only guy with slippers though? I didn't look, but I didn't look at anything. I think I might have bought. Oh boy. Yeah, it was rough. So now what I do is I have a pair Know what I do is I have two button downs in my trunk at all times and a pair of shoes that I bought in Italy that are in my trunk at all times

So if I'm in mid-time it's on you know, it is it's on 63rd and park have never been it's yeah We're gonna go one time because I it's fucking beautiful. It's it's it's what yeah, it's it's fucking high-end right right Right, but this is what bothered me and I did an unacceptable on my podcast I do an unacceptable for the week something that I just is fucking unacceptable You know you see a chicken a fucking a fucking blue J ever Well, it should have been that's this weeks that's fucking this week so now as a kid all right Jesus fucking waitress comes over. Yeah, and I'm excited and all the waitresses are either Cuban or like fucking somewhere from South America They know about sticks. They come over. They know about sticks

And I'm fucking excited. I bring a friend there and a waitress the second or third time I'm all excited Oh, and a waitress is no watch how they treat you. Yeah, and she's fucking crying She's fucking crying and I and she's fucking looking at the clock and she's telling me when last call is I'm thinking to myself I'm here to fuck I'm here to relax She's telling me when last call is I'm thinking to myself. I'm here to fuck I'm here to relax You're fucking going through something with some guy or something She's like cutting my fucking cigar like wiping her eyes and I'm just like what the fuck is this? I don't need that fucking dare you take away my fucking time Yeah, I remember it's one time derosis said like some chick was like upset as a stripper and he's like what the fuck

I don't need to know and like that's like, that's what this cigar waitress was doing. It's like, don't you don't take that. You're like a cigar is a time for a fucking man or woman. Right, but what if I can ask you, can I just give you, can I play devil's advocate? Here we go, yeah, what if I, not here we go, I'm just devil's advocate. All right, her dog died, don't go to work.

No, no. All right, go ahead, go ahead. What the fuck can we bring up a dog? Okay. Her mother. Listen. Oh fuck. Yeah, there you go, verse.

Alright. Her mother. Just fucking took it. Done. She's dead. She goes through a boss. My mother just died. I please look it's too busy we just had a bunch of guys that guys weren't slippers to be here okay that's how much he wants to be here okay you got to finish your fucking you got to

finish your timeout there you go it's not none's gonna happen tonight anyway sunny okay go out on the floor finish your shift do your then you can go. It's not, nothing's gonna happen tonight anyway, honey. Okay, go out on the floor, finish your shift. Do your job or you're gonna get fired. Oh, fuck you. Where are you at now? I mean, right back with that blue J, right? Yeah. You don't know.

Dude, I mean, look. Did you ask? No, but you could have, you could have said have said you're right and she could have said a piece of shit boss would do that Oh dude, I don't know some guy who owns a fucking cigar brother makes fucking grown men wear slippers How about that piece of shit? How about that fucking car? I'll give you that I give you that they can't fucking they can't sport even bowling alleys have fucking shoes for people. I know, but it was just you know how much I love to smoke. It'd be like a woman fucking crying right

as she was going down our knees to blow you. It's like I don't want to fucking blow job. Why? I had a joke about that. I was like you better wipe those tears like the neck Jesus Christ. Oh my fucking talking. You killing blue jays. Yeah, no, you fucking girl crying. Oh shit. Your fantasy is crying girls. Second you. What the fuck? I thought I was bad. I took your kids and Moe pet once. Oh shit. Oh shit. So let me ask you a question. Yeah. Okay. So now we're sitting here. We're smoking these fucking bats. We're in the I'm hooked. I'm in. You're all in right?

There's like a group of us that are into this. Yep, right? Yeah Who all right? Who's who are the guys do you say that it are cigar guys? Okay, but Burr? Yes. Yeah. You, yes, me, yes. Yeah. Aaron Berg. Yeah, you know, it's funny.

I was in Toronto and his comic goes, What's with New York comics in cigar? So that's what he said. He goes, What's with all these pictures? And I say, yeah, I said, there's a group of us that fucking like a stick. We don't want to smoke cigarettes, right? What's with the New York comics being men?

Yeah, like a lot of people. No, because you know, you know what he said? He goes, Yeah, I don't like that. No offense because I don't want to smoke cigarettes right what's with the new york comics being men yeah like a lot of the no cuz you know you know he said he goes yeah i don't like that no offense because i don't like that he goes aron burga is here and like smoke was blown in the door whatever uh... to answer your question where was that i was in canada and this this comic was just like i i don't really like them but then he said he goes i'm seeing all these pictures online of new y York comic smoking sticks.

Aaron Berg is another level, okay? I was cigar smoking. Yeah. Aaron Berg is a two, three stick a day guy. I mean, Aaron Berg smokes fucking fat. He had a bat right now. He had a bat that makes the ones we're smoking right now. I mean, this kid, I'm not joking, Bobby.

It looked like he had a fucking cucumber hanging out of his mouth. He looked like he had a dick. His whole mouth was mouth. Right. He looked like he had a dick. His whole mouth was open. I mean, it must have been a two hour smoke. But his next level, we went to a football game and Burr brought the Aurora. And I don't know if you ever had an Aurora. There's three labels. There's the fucking gold red and green.

He brought the green ones. And they're in the green, bright green tubes. And he opened it. It looked like fucking Superman crystals right. Yeah, you open it up and we smoked on there like $25 a stick and we smoked on before we went into Alabama LSU game. I know it was one of the best sticks I ever fucking had and I started thinking about it more, thinking about it more. Um, Bartonickle smoke him but not the way that I do. He enjoys it because I smoked with him in Philly. Bartonick enjoys doesn't love it. But he did enjoy the way that I do. He enjoys it because I smoke to them in Philly. Bartonac enjoys, doesn't love it. But he did enjoy the way out.

He enjoyed it, but I can smoke with him because he doesn't, he smokes it and he's in his own world. He's smoking it, he's taking the pups, he liked it. So I can definitely smoke with Bartonac. But here's the thing, these people have to understand, we're not smoking fucking, you know, Philly Blunts. No, that's not- We're not even smoking mac and udos.

We're not even rolling with that fucking gun. No, no, no, we're not. We're smoking- We're smoking- 15 to 50 dollars cigars. Yes. And then up. Yeah.

I mean, especially when we're smoking together. I mean, we're smoking the top of the line We're smoking really really good cigars. Yeah, I mean in every cigar is different every cigar We're trying new shit I'm god forbid God forbid I fucking would give you a mediocre cigar You know what I mean? Yeah, you come over my house and I'd be like, I you come over, I have fucking five cigars to choose from. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. No, but I will say this, you're on another, you took where I was and you're above it. You,

you, you, listen, I love a good stick and I'll smoke them often, but you are like, I mean, you're like, dude, I was in South America. They got this one that came up from the ground. It's going to knock you dick off and you're right, you know like you you take it to you know, you're like I want to what's in Castro's fucking house Where do I get that I know I do I was fucking everybody's all look. I'm very happy about this Cuban thing I mean I like the cigars. I smoke yeah, but I can't you know Billy Burr kind of yeah He got me it's like I had fucking crack for the first time. I wasn't joking with him. Like I wasn't trying to make him feel good because he was excited to bring me in.

Okay. But like it's so good. I don't even want to tell people. I'm not even. You know what I mean? It's one of those. But I looked at him in the face. I said, I could honestly, I looked him in the face.

This is the best I've ever had. You know, like it's up there. It's up to, but I got a funny story. You're going to look. I got to give it to him too because you open that box In a room full of fucking dudes and say go ahead and look you know if I had that box. Yeah, you know You'd have to fucking you'd have to pass a written test Yeah, you'd have to have a B or C on a like five questions If you got too wrong you fucking you're getting you're getting a Philly blunt dude

I got a great story about birdr. We go to club Mac and oh the by the way the first time I the first time I saw The first time I took him yeah, he couldn't believe it I go dude I found a place in New York City. We can go and he goes what I go do it inside is beautifully He goes hey walked in the level of happiness on his face. Yeah, he just looked around He couldn't fucking believe it. They got leather, fucking beautiful leather. You got it, and people aren't suits. And it's just next level, right? And like, you know, you want to shrimp cocktail

and a fucking the best scotch ever, everything. So he fucking loved it. So we go in there for like the third time. And he's like, what was that one? You said, Carmelo Anthony likes, and I go, he only come out when he loves and only smokes pedrones. They're good.

But they're really strong and they're good, right? They're good, they're really good. So we're looking on the menu. And it goes, oh, they got Patrons right here. All of a sudden, they were like $99 a stick, $99. That's, that's, that's up there. So for people who don't know, yeah, you gotta let, for people that don't know,

that's like, that's, you know, like, I've tried in three times as much. The cigars we, the mostly, you know, like, I've tried it three times as much. The cigars, we, the mostly the cigars we smoke, right? I would say the cigars we smoke are, we smoke Mercedes and sometimes Porsche's. Man, Lexus wants it a while. Lexus, Lexus is like the low rent.

But loaded Lexus. Loaded Lex, limited Lex. He did seats, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of time. Get the back and the trunk goes up, kick it again, it goes down. The back seat goes back, yeah, yeah, a lot of time. Get the back and the trunk goes up. Kick it again. It goes down. The back seat goes back. Yeah. We have front and back cameras.

Yeah, it's got the rear cameras. The heated package the whole deal. All right. The fucking the high beams going automatically. Yeah, I feel like this. I think you'll agree with this. If you smoke a $20 and a stick, it's a good stick. Yeah.

A $99 stick that you're talking. It's a Rolls Royce, right? Yeah. You know, even though it's grossly overpriced. Yes. So anyway, it is because of a Patreon is around 20, 30, 50 bucks. There's some of them though. There's some that are 80 bucks.

Wait till I tell you. Some of them. So I go, we don't need to do that. And it goes, now fuck it. We're doing that. And I go, dude, it's $100 stick. He goes, fuck it, dude. He goes, we got to try a $99 that. And I go, dude, it's $100 stick. He goes, fuck it, dude. He goes, we gotta try a $99 stick.

It's a bit drunk. Bobby, I lit this thing. First puff, it was so intense. And Bill took a puff, he took the first puff, and he goes, whoo, he goes, dude, I don't, he goes, I don't know if I can handle this, right? And I go, no, it should be all right. All of a sudden, he fucking figures it out.

You know, fucking Bill took him fucking to, and he figured out how strong it was. He figured out how to do it. Me, like a fucking dope. I start puffing this thing like it's a normal stick. I start getting pale. He goes, dude, are you all right? I don't know, dude, I might throw up, I gotta wait.

I couldn't handle it, but I'm not kidding Bobby, when it was done, I felt like I couldn't know to I might throw up I got to wait yeah, I Couldn't handle it, but I'm not kidding Bobby when it was done. Yeah, I felt like I couldn't drive I walked out a little discombobulated and nauseous. I thought I was gonna it was one of the most Not fun not enjoyable no It was not enjoyable and for the people that don't know the darker the leaf is on the outside of a cigar How many women just left this podcast? Many people just yeah, they were he just to go get a fucking big black one No, I mean women disinterested Well, they should be because you know it's Christmas time

And we're helping you out. We're telling you what's it got to get for you fucking man Absolutely, yeah, if you're so for the people that don't know and I've mentioned on the podcast before But if you knew to the podcast the darker the leaf on the outside the stronger the stick right so if you have a boyfriend or a husband who goes yeah I want to have a go light go Romeo and Julieta night 1875 Monty Christo white one outside they don't inhale they take little puffs in their mouth and it's light on the outside that's not because I have everybody goes how the fuck do you smoke cigars I tried it I tried it with my uncle and I fucking almost puked I turned green because they fucking go grab something that they don't know

What the fuck it is right and you get sick you got to know what you do. I keep a box of Pradoma 10th anniversary champagne. I keep a box of them in my humanoid So when someone rolls in that doesn't smoke, it's the creamiest, lightest cigar. Anybody can smoke that cigar. Okay, the 10th anniversary champagne edition. Anybody can smoke that thing and feel

that it's a big ring gauge. You feel like you're a big boy smoking it, but it's creamy. It's the cream, if you type in creamy cigar on the internet, this is the cigar that comes up. That's the type of cigar. It's the lightest cigar. These cigars were smoking. These are for big boys, but I'll tell you a trick that I learned when you smoking these big, when you smoke in these heavy cigars like that, you gotta keep like jolly ranches. When you go to a cigar place, I mean, I always keep some type of candy with me.

Okay, because if you get that fucking light headed shit, if you start sucking on that candy, the sugar will fucking combat the dizziness and the fucking the puke of that cigar. Yeah, so you start sucking on the jolly rancher. You're the right? Yeah, or you have a Coke? Oh, I did not. That sugar will help you get your ship back.

So you're not all, yeah. Oh shit. Yeah, you're basically getting, you're getting fucking stoned. It's what you're doing off the nicotine. The tobacco's strong. The tobacco's strong, you're getting fucking whacked. You're getting fucking whacked, you're getting dizzy.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I've smoked a couple of cigars. Iacked. You're getting dizzy. You know what? Yeah. Yeah, I've smoked a couple of cigarettes. I'm addicted to it. Yeah. I'm joking. Give me a fucking, we're in a shed. I'm gonna shed.

Come on. We're in a shed. Come on. Oh shit. All right, so let me ask you this. All right, this is, by the way, this is Verzy Effect podcast merged with the fucking, you know what, dude, which is great.

You know, Bobby, for you guys I don't know um Bobby was a bam bam two seasons on FX's sex and drugs and rock and roll has an amazing hour special out called Bobby Kelly live at the village underground which was a comedy central special which moved over to Netflix and your podcast is doing great you You're doing great. Do it one of the funniest guys out there I'm glad to have you on the show. I'm glad people could could hear as bullshit about five first I mean everybody on my podcast knows you cuz everybody loves you Oh my show where all my fans your fans are the fucking best and I gotta tell you something when I'm in Indianapolis Yeah, or fucking Providence or anywhere. They're always like dude. I heard John Bobby's podcast

Like I got a lot of listeners dude and it's awesome But did you have any let me ask you this question. Did you have any fucking Dope's Around the holidays on Thanksgiving talk about politics and ruin anything. No, I you know, it's funny Every year for Thanksgiving for I would have to say I don't know 15 years Me and Dawn have invited you know comics over because we don't go home We don't go back to Boston with Thanksgiving. We always don't see great cooks So she cooks and we always invite you know some years. It's just one some years. It's fucking eight people

And it's usually comics or people actors or in the business who aren't going to their families or you know whatever. So this year was actually Norton who pretty much comes every year. He's become a fattene years. We always have Norton over. Max loves Norton. Fucking loves him. We had, Stavros was up here. Kelly Fistuka came up. Stavros baked the pie. I got Stavros into the cars. You can ask him. Yeah. I had line McGubbies and I go, hey dude, I don't want to drag if you don't want to come, but you want to. Is there any place in Baltimore and took me to a place? Yeah. And he fucking had one and he was smoking with him. But go ahead, I'm sorry. So you had Stavros, you had Kelly, you had G.

Stavros and we had a friend of mine, Omar and his wife, Popeye Big Kid, big guy. He's around, he's a Puerto Rican. He's around six, five, 400 something pounds. Big mother. You allowed out in your house, not thanks. Come on, Sam, just kidding.

I need these leftovers, gone. I'm kidding, by the way, P. I know so many people, you have fucking race. Good. Yeah, no, we had, so we didn't fucking, nobody brought that shit up, dude. Nobody brought that shit up.

And here's the thing, I bring it up on my podcast once in a while and talk about it, but as far as I'm concerned, it's fucking done. It's over. It's over, and it's fucking over. And I know that they're gonna, now today they came out, they're gonna, you know, several states, they're gonna go back and recount and blah, blah, blah. She has two million fucking other popular vote and blah, blah, blah. It's like when out, when our goal got

fucked, look, it's not, there's no, there's no way in fucking hell that Trump is, they're gonna take it away and give it to, know what happened with what happened to this country If if he won the fucking election Okay, yeah, and then they went and fucking took it away. It's not gonna happen Yeah, it's not gonna happen and it's just a fucking it's like we all need to move on We all need to we all need to fucking become Americans again. That's it's like it's like the UFC Okay, you got two of these people going in there talking shit the whole time. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you kids.

I'm going to rip your head off and shit down. I'm going to fuck a smiley, you're going to die in the ring. And then they fight. One guy wins. And as soon as they're done, they help each other out there, help each other. And everybody gets back to their lives. And it's politics, man. I get it, but we got to their lives. And it's politics, man, I get it,

but we gotta fucking move on and, you know, and become Americans again. Yeah, I made a mistake. I made a mistake, okay. I'm not gonna mention names because my family may listen to this, but I made a mistake. At the end of the night,

we went out to smoke a stick. Yeah. I had a couple of scotches in me. Yeah, that's always well. I knew somebody was there that you know really liked Hillary right and I didn't like Hillary. I didn't like Trump either. I didn't vote for either of them But I just kind of said something like I you know and then Nothing bad, but Justin and I said it like I don't mean me to get political

But I'm just you know and then all of a sudden my brother My brother started talking about my brother handled it really well Like you know when somebody argues with somebody as soon as the first person starts yelling. Yeah, they lose You know and somebody just kind of sits there calmly and my brother did it and fucking handle the great But I was just like you know something dude You just can't drink and talk politics. You just fucking can't. So my advice to anybody, this Christmas, this holiday season, Christmas Eve, fucking Christmas day, New Year's Eve,

you're gonna be at a party, there's gonna be people. Like what you just said, Bobby, I agree 100%. It's done, fucking let it, let's hope for the best. Let's hope for the best for the country. We'll do it again in four years. And that's fucking it, dude. Especially if you're a Trump supporter you won Right, you get you know people at bitching a moan and about you know everybody's crying and be look Let him fucking do whatever they got to do right, you know let who cares? Let him fucking get it out

Let him fucking work it out. Yeah, you won't if you're a Trump supporter You're in you won't you want you just let them fucking do what they got to do as long as they're peaceful Yeah, I don't give a fuck you want to go on the internet right blogs you want to cry You want to do this and that and you want to protest as long as you're not fucking with people's jobs As long as you're not fucking with people's lives, other people's lives. Fuck. I'm sorry. What?

Don't worry about it. I got a vacuum. Alright, alright, alright, go. What the fuck's wrong with you? I don't want to fucking be disrespectful, right? We're in a shed. So I got to ask you now. You know, okay, go ahead.

No, I got a question. I got something more important than this. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. I want to ask you a question. Yeah, yeah. I want to ask you about this fucking this black Friday. Oh

my god. I okay This black Friday shit what they do to people who can't afford shit Yeah, because it's not people that can afford it Okay, it's not people that can stay home and order this shit off Amazon. Yeah. Or, you know, just have a shift to your house. They fucking set us up.

Yeah. The middle class and lower class people to fucking become savages. Yeah, at a best buy over a fucking TV. Yeah, I agree. And I think, I think if you fucking go there and something bad happens, I'm not saying you deserve it, but you know, fuck you. You know, fuck you.

Honestly, if you get fucking trampled. But here's a deal. I'm gonna give you, I'm gonna play Devils Advocate again. That should be our podcast, Devils Advocate. Yeah, yeah. Well, you shoot birds and then I talk. Well, I'm gonna prize and a mom, a mom who wants to get a TV for a kid but Bob and I'm gonna let you be devil's advocate in one second but hear me out for

once yeah if you go to Yankee Stadium yes I would never or you go to Fenway yeah okay thank you right if you're going to Yankee yeah if you're going to Yankee Stadium or you go to Fenway and you got the other teams gear on Somebody eventually is gonna get drunk and they're gonna say hey fuck you asshole. They're gonna throw peanuts at you Okay, they're gonna they're gonna be a fucking cock sucker They're gonna ruin your time. All right, that's definitely, definitely going to happen. Okay, now, if Best Buy says they got three TVs that are 1,300 bucks,

but if you get here at four o'clock in the morning, okay, that 1,300 bucks is gonna turn into, you know, 800, okay? So now you could get a 1,300 dollar TV for $800. It's a TV that you and your family were never able to afford. And now you're online with 150 other people at 5 o'clock in the morning. If there's fights and certain shit like that, like you had to, you had to, I just feel like don't put yourself through that,

except what you can afford. And I understand you want your family to feel better. I understand that you want to show, you know, you want to give your family the best around Christmas, but at what price, Bobby, at what cost? And I don't mean money wise to do to yourself, to wake up, to fight with people. And then the heartbreak, if you don't get it, and then fighting, listen, I'm kidding. I don't want somebody to get fucking trampled, but the fact that these fucking animals do that You know, so go ahead. Go ahead. Well, here's I mean look

We're set up to do this. You know what I'm saying? We're an hour and five We're set up to do this these people people are fucking, I mean, you go to, you go to home depot, I'm not whole depot the other day, buying a few things with max. All these aisles are packed with shit and it's all covered. Yeah. Do not touch till fucking. Yeah. Till black, till fr, do not look. So there's all this magical shit everywhere, okay? In every store. I went to Home Depot, it was all wrapped up in black.

Right, it's all wrapped up in black. And you're sitting there going, well, what the fuck? I can do it, you can literally, I mean, the deals are fucking crazy. They are, I mean, it's not like dude, it's not like you're getting fucking 10% off. No, you're not. Some of the shit is fucking nuts. There you are. I mean, it's not like dude, it's not like you're getting fucking 10% off. No, you're not. Some of the shit is fucking nuts.

Right. So you got somebody who has one shot, it's like dude, it's like a golden ticket. It's like, will he want to run the chocolate factory? You got one shot of getting this fucking Dyson fan, heater. Okay. For fucking 80 bucks.

Yeah, yeah. Or you're gonna get some fucking, you know, you're gonna have to fucking get a heater that might lay your house on fire, you know? Right. I mean, I just think that they set these people up. If people just take a beat, right? Yeah.

And go, okay. I wanna fucking, all you have to do, a lot of these people can stay the fuck home. Go to Amazon, because you see this clock so a lot of these people can stay at the fuck home. Go to Amazon, because you see this cocksack are going in the bin, right? Yeah. Grabbing five, six cell phones. Yeah. This fat fucking cocksack, you know what he's doing?

He's be selling them. He's selling them on e-bots. That's what makes me sick. Yeah, yeah. It's like when the iPhones came out, all right, a few years ago. And the Chinese people, right, were waiting in line, buying them all and just selling them. They were putting old Chinese women or Asian women, I'll just say Asian, I don't know

if they were Chinese, what they were, Asian women in line. They were just paying them fucking money to wait in line to buy the phone, to give it to some fucking thug. So he's going to sell it to some fucking, you know, thug. So he's gonna sell it for seven times the price. Yeah. So this guy's going in, they're grabbing these TVs, they're marking them up on eBay, and they're selling to the people on Craigslist eBay,

and then making money off of it. It's a scam. Yeah. It's a fucking scam. This is Bobby Kelly's unacceptable, on the Versi Effect. This is your unacceptable. It's a scam. It's a fucking scam. This is Bobby Kelly's unacceptable on the Versi Effect. This is your unacceptable. It's stop making it a scam, best by fucking Home Depot. You know what you do? Give everybody a shot at the thing.

Give them the, okay, you're gonna have this for one day? Let people apply for it. Like a fucking golden ticket. Let them sign up and you get it. You got it, you're in. You have an opportunity, give your email, how many you want, you get one or two each. Absolutely.

If you want it, you shouldn't go in there and trample people, grab fucking seven of them, and then run to the rescue. Who the fuck needs seven of anything? Yeah, you're right. You're right, dude, and it just shows how fucking people are animals, dude. It's sickening. They pray what they do is they pray on the unfortunate.

No, they pray on the worst of us. They're betting on the worst of us. Yeah. That's what they're doing. They're making us, they're saying, okay, we know these people will flip out. We're making it one day. We're giving it a fucking black Friday.

You get your email loads up with sales, 50% off, 80% off. You start losing your mind. Yeah, because you don't make that much money. Right. You don't have that much money. You have the opportunity to go out and get this and that and this for your house.

All you have to do is risk your life at a Walmart. Yeah, for a fucking visio. Did you hear what Burst said on Conan? What? He goes, nothing in Walmart is worth getting trampled though. That's true. There's nothing in life. No, it's it's it's nothing in life worth getting.

And that's why I look, you know, I was telling my wife, I'm looking around this house, I go, what more could we give this kid? Yeah, I go, everything you on TV goes this kid? Yeah. I go everything on TV goes I want that can I have that? Make a list make a list. Yeah, it's gonna be a point when he's for when we can have these Conversations where it's be like buddy listen to me You need to you need to realize that You don't need all this shit. Yeah, you need I brought my son out two days in a row. Outside with me, fucking

no toys, no nothing. A fucking, we had a two by four, a tarp, and some screws. And we made a thing to cover the garbage. Me and him. And he sat there and he had a blast. He looks at that and he goes, we made that. I took him out today. Took him and Noam's kids from the seller, had them all around. I go, okay, guys, I put all screws and I go, I need the little screws. They had to go in and get the little screws out of the thing. I hung the light up front. I go, okay, I need max. You need to unscrew that for me, man. You hold, get me that screw. You hold that screw. All right, okay, I need max, you need to unscrew that for me. Man, you hold, get me that screw, you hold that screw. All right, guys, I'm going on the ladder. We had a fucking blast.

We hung this light. Tonight, Max, we're having dinner. He goes, is the light work? And we go outside, the light turns on. And that's great. It's like, that's what you should be fucking doing with your kids. Dude, I go out with my son Lucas. We throw a football, that's it.

Right. We go out with a football. And we throw the football around, and that's it. And I told my wife, I go, we're given too much now. And you know what happens then? Then the kids' expectations are, every time we go out, we're getting something, every time and you fucking can, I don't want my kid growing up like that. I don't want my kid growing up where he thinks that it's like every time, and he's fucking

toys, pile up and pile up, and they never fucking use them. Because parents forget, their kids forget very quickly. Yeah. You can manipulate a kid's brain. I want to do this, I want to do that. Hey dude, look at that tree over there. You see the bird? Let's go get that bird.

Why do you shoot that bird? Yeah, you keep that. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm never getting, I'm never getting, I'm never getting my kid a fucking BB guy. Fucking clock sacro. But it's time to be a woodpecker on the ground,

fucking gasping for air. The kid's gonna be fucking, fucking having a fucking go for an a full Nelson, wrestling a fucking go for. I do have a go for it, I hope he fucking takes him out. Oh, my dog, you have a dog, oh, I'm sorry, you don't have a dog in it. Both dogs are dead, they're right up here.

Well, you had little dogs that wouldn't kill a go for anyway, right? He chased a go for you. No, I had a dog you want to laugh, you don't have a dog. Both dogs at that, they're right up here. Well, you had little dogs that wouldn't kill a go for anyway, right? He chased a go for you. No, I had a dog you want to laugh. The go for was under the car. My dog fucking staked it out for two days. It was a stare down because the go for would leave the middle of the car. My dog waited and I killed.

Oh, really? Yeah, my dog just waited out. What kind of dog he got? He wasn't, no, he was a half springer, half-border collie. But he just waited and then killed him. Yeah, my dog, my dog would chase it it but then fucking he get he get the shit kicked out. I made a little silky terrier. Calbee Calbee actually they're raised to hunt rats. Well let me ask you question I'm not trying to shit on your dog

I'm right. Wow. Alright. Alright let's start. Look at it. It's a. No no no but here's my thing. Okay. Go ahead. I always liked, I know a lot of people that love the little dog, right? But what, by the way, that was great. If you guys hear anything in the background, there's a fan on here and it's fucking made it a thousand times better. I got a fan that sucks all the shit up.

I'm actually installing a fan up there that opens. Oh, okay. Like it opens a power fan that's getting installed. I just getting it after. Okay. All right I want to get cold in here. It'll be up there. Suck all the fucking smoke will be gone. Right, right right now. It feels better though I could tell like it definitely cleared out, but I always felt like if I was gonna get something because I have really big cats I have 20 pound cats, right? What the fuck is that? Yeah, no, I, it's like I got a baby fucking Jaguar walking around in my house, right? Right, right, right.

But, didn't you want a dog like, don't you feel like a, don't you want to wrestle with a dog or like, don't you want, you don't want a big fucking dog or at least a medium sized dog that you could fucking. Yeah, well you're not even a violent dog. I'm not talking about put like a dog because my dog like, if my dog stands up on us too. You, I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell you two things, right? All right. One, you have family. Right.

That will take care of the dog when you go on vacation, right? Yeah. Right? So nearby mom, mother or whatever. Yeah. Brother, blah, blah. Hey guys, can you watch the dog for us, right? Right.

We don't. Gotcha. We got nobody. We're in New York. We're in LA. We got the dog and then we moved to New York We got nobody to watch that dog, okay? So a small dog Right less way less traveling way less people watch them way more Number two we have to pick up we lived in the city, right? Yep. What are you gonna do in the city? All right three times a day Yeah, you have this thing here. You're gonna walk them.

They're gonna fucking hot piss somewhere, right? Yep. And then they're gonna take a nice fat steamy shit. Yeah. I got a silky terrier. Yeah. I'll pick that up on my hand. It's not a big deal.

You're a fucking dog. What do you got? I got, you know, I got a Ruby and Kanuko. Yeah, I got a fucking, I got literally have a wolf.co. Yeah, I got I got a fucking I got literally have a wolf Yeah, your dog shit's bigger than me Right, no dude. He's yeah, I got a wolf you get a wolf. Yeah, I got a fuck remember I was funny when you go first He got the first dog and you go no no literally he got the first fucking Yeah, you get the dog that they mixed with other dogs and make dogs

No, I got the dog that the Egyptians like fucking carved in and the fucking pyramids You have an Arubian dog. You have an Arubian dog I have an Arubian canoic dog. You've seen them right? Yeah, they're fucking they run wild in Aruba You'll be on the beach in a pack of them will roll up and take over your spot and you just you sit there quietly You don't move and you bow your head because you don't want to be fucking alpha male No, he runs around the fucking house. It's it's like I'm having a problem with him luckily Alfa male no he runs around the fucking house. It's like I'm having a problem with him luckily Luckily right when my wife got fed up and I got a trainer out of the new England area Right shout out to coach Mike and city living dog this guy is a fucking this guy

He's got videos on YouTube when he had a fucking chow chow yeah He went to someone's house chow chow chow ripped his lip open his lip was split open It looked like he fucking fought McGregor untrained, right? And 10 minutes later, the thing, 10 minutes later, the dog was sitting down like a choir boy. These guys, these dog whisperer guys are unbelievable. The child dogs are fucking tough. Yeah, dude, but.

My therapist had two of them. They have, they're like little lions, right? They're aggressive dogs. He had two of them in the office when you did therapy and they'd growl. And he'd sit there and he had two of them in the office when you did therapy and they'd grow And he'd sit there and he had a little bow tie this little thin bald fuck and I'd be sitting there to start talking and I get a little heated Yeah, and I'd be like I'd stop talking. He'd be like it's okay They will you're all right. They're fine. I'm like they're not I wanted to go the not fine

You fucking growling. He's growling come over and sniff me. I was like the nut I wanted to go the nut find you fucking ground. He's growling come over and sniff me Just boring the dog with your story The dog is like every time there's a bad fucking story would have the dogs just like go get the fuck we get it people Piss you off, you know, you know what you know what's fucked up about these therapists because I started going When I had you know, you know, you know a little bit that I had a little bit of a meltdown Yeah, and I was going through a really hard time These fucking therapists there are we I don't know about you, a guy. They're always looking at the clock.

They're always fucking looking at the clock. What would I do? Ready? You know, they're always looking, cause they go, You know what I do? I walk in, I take the clock, I turn it my way. Do you? Every time I walk in, I get his clock, I flip it my way.

And then you straighten your painting out. Dude, I'm not kidding. I see them, I'm in the middle of this fucking deep-hearted thing, I don't know, some of my fucking, one of my dads, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I see them, his little fucking eye movement went to the clock. Oh yeah. I fucking, the next time we went in,

I grabbed it. Oh, that must have been fucking nuts. I grabbed it, I turned it my way, he goes, what are you doing? I go, no more clock, I grabbed it. I grabbed it, I turned it my way, he goes, what are you doing? I go, no more clock, fucking staring. No one you, that must drive you fucking nuts, because I can see you telling them something deep

and go, what the fuck are you keeping looking at that thing for? First of all, I get it, I get it. No, I, but it's probably, it's like people looking at their phones. No, yeah, so it's like like so now when we go in the clock I either I face it down on the table or I turn it my way. He doesn't look at it You know, it's funny. I went to one guy and I don't go I went to a guy who like never really had a comedian

Yeah, so he was intrigued right? This fucking cock sucker keeps asking me about comedy right he keeps asking so do you ever go to that club? Oh, yeah Do you ever meet someone so I want to be like, motherfucker, I got problems. Yeah. Like, and he just kept talking to me about my shit, you know, about, about, and then one time he actually goes, ah, you're not that bad, you're fine.

Like, and I was just like, you know what the problem was though? I went out like four in the afternoon, so he was done. Yeah. He was doing, you go late. The best time to see these people are early. Yeah, or at four o'clock They fucking heard enough crazy assholes for the rest of the fucking I go right after lunch is a good time to go because I got The blood sugar back up This motherfucker's got energy now. Yeah, I don't like when they look at the clock

I hate it. I don't fucking like it and I'm giving them money man, you know, you're a nice lunch. Yeah, I don't like when I look at the clock. I hate it. I don't fucking like it. And I'm giving him money, man. You know, you're giving him fucking money. Well, my guy works on a scale, okay? I know who you go to. You go to the guy that sees all the comedians, right? Right, but I'm one of the originals. You know what I mean? Back in the day.

It kind of bugs me now, how many? Because you never know who's coming out. Yeah. And then, you know, you know, I got fucking Rick Shapiro walking out and I'm like, oh, fuck, do you have any left? You know, be funny if you were crying about a pilot. You didn't get any guy who got it walked in. But, there's a thing, I don't talk any shit.

Five minutes left, I turn it way down. Because there's no way, you know. Because I know they're out in the fucking, whoever's out there, I know they can hear a little bits and pieces. Oh real? You know what I mean? So there's no way they're gonna they're no way they're gonna hand names You fucking start whispering. I don't yeah, I told them it was a rule you you can't get me to tears with 15 minutes left That's fucking funny. So So yeah, so man, I want is you know you're're on the show want to congratulate you on the on the on the uh...

effect show yeah you know it's canceled but thanks that's what the fuck is that what do you you fucking shooting bluebirds again that's really you get the frereira just put that off but that's that's that's fucking awesome that show is fucking great thanks yeah i'm not i was that was the word was

Fuck Isis um what do you the fucking don't come you know taking dude? You said I loved you on that show. It's too bad. It's over. You don't congratulate me on it like I just booked it Well, I know, but you did two seasons on fucking TV and it was a good role. That's all I'm saying. I mean, you got, I'd say congratulations on your podcast. I'm trying to fucking, just congratulations on your podcast. You do podcasts as fucking layers doing well.

Ha ha ha. No, thank you. The show, FX show was great. It was great working with Leary. Yeah. The whole thing was great, you know, playing the drums, learning how to play the drums, being on something that I've never been on something that big. Well, let me ask you this question and

Yeah, I gotta go before an hour and a half because my fucking computer won't take it Okay, good. We got a few more minutes here. Yeah, let me ask this question because yeah I just started getting into acting. Yeah, and you're a very you're a very good actor. Thank you, buddy and you know and that's known people you like, you could do drama shit, but here's my question, because I just started getting into it and I feel like when I'm comfortable, when you want to laugh, I took that Joanne of Bex and acting class years ago because a buddy of mine said he could fucking get me in.

And the only reason why he got me in, I found out this motherfucker, because if he got me and he wouldn't have to pay, yeah, fucking, yeah, I'll tell you that after. Yeah, but I don't like shit like that, you know. Why? Because it's like, oh, dude, you gotta do this class. It'll be great.

And then you find out if they fucking get you and they don't pay and like they build it up. And I was petrified in there. I was petrified. I was more scared fucking going to act. Dude, I would rather be honest with you. If you told me right now, if you told me right now, Paul, we're driving a fucking MetLife Stadium with a Giants play.

And you gotta go do 10 minutes tonight in front of 50,000 people. Right. And I had to just think of my set on a way there now. Yeah. I would feel more comfortable than going into an acting class and having to read a fucking monologue in front of 15 actors. Right. It petrified me, right?

Right. But you understand why though? Well, because it's not what I do. And yeah, it's just you've been doing the other things so long. Right. I've been doing acting parallel to comedy the whole time. But yeah, so this is the question. And I think people listening will like to know this because I know a lot of people,

you know, oh, comedians get into acting and stuff. I just did my first feature and I found out a couple days ago that I'm going to play a cop in a horror movie, right? Right. That's great. When you started to act, I'd do a big, big, big thing. But when you started to act with bigger actors, like if you did a scene with leery yeah

Yeah, yeah sitting there right like yeah even after you've been doing it a while is it intimidating to like Because people like oh you're on a podcast with You're on a podcast with like already laying and all these people and you didn't seem nervous And it's like no because that's my element. This is what I do even though my name stand up. This is what I do but and it's like, no, because that's my element. This is what I do. Even though it might not be stand up, this is what I do. But, Leroy walks into Dennis Leroy's been in movies, he's been doing fucking acting forever. Rescue me, all these amazing shows and movie he's been in.

When this guy walks in, do you, are you, the first time you did that, were you able to turn it off, or were you literally going line for line with this guy going holy fuck, like getting out of your head, or you just block it out, or is it a little bit of both?

Well, I tell you this is pretty interesting. How much time we got we got Seven minutes. What happened the first you know The first time I worked with Leary was years ago on the job And I rolled in I was very nervous, but I was so prepared Right because I was so prepared, right, because I was so nervous. And then when I came back in, I did an episode of Sirens for USA Network, and I played some guy who got a Coke bottle stock. Oh, that's so sucked.

Right? I never saw it. I'm kidding. I did, that's funny. Well, we did. So, I rolled in on that, over-prepared. But then Larry let you improv a little bit too. So it was, when I get to that element, it was great for me.

And the first season of sex drugs, again, over-prepared, right? Just so, the second season, right? I was, I, I, what happened, the, the character changed. There was new writers, things happened, and I wasn't as prepared as I should have been. Oh, okay. So, I had a little trouble, season two. Was that because you got a little,

you got a little lax, or you got a little like, you got a little too comfortable? What happened, I think, is, I think, a little bit of both. Okay. What happened like you got a little too comfortable. What happened I think is I think a little bit of both. What happened was I was a little too comfortable thinking I was just going to roll in and be this guy which I did the first season. It changed the second season. My whole thing changed. It was a little more subtle.

You know, like, you know, I kind of got a little polluted in my head. And I talked to Larry about it and he helped me out. It's like, you don't wanna ever be a line counter. You know what? You don't wanna go in and go, I only got fucking two lines. If you get two lines, you better fucking do your fucking best with those two lines. Right.

You know, and I had to learn, I'm telling you, and I had to go back to my acting teacher, Pete Kelly, who's been teaching me for 20 years. I had to call him up and go, fucking line by line, seen by scene with him over Skype. He was in LA, and I went over and over and over, and I had to go back to work because just like comedy You can go up and have some good sets

But when when it gets serious when the games on the fucking line If you think you're gonna go up and just wing it all the time and just use your charisma and you're it's not You're not you got to fucking do this work. And sometimes the work, you know, not only are you dealing with writers now, you're dealing with producers and directors. Every, we have three different directors, every director's different. Some directors move faster,

and it's not really conducive to an actor. Some people are way too much for the actor, and that's a function. There's so much different shit that you have to, right. So you have to go in with your fucking, with what you're doing. And you have to go over the scene and figure it out.

And you know what else, too? The other actors don't give a fuck about you. They care, of course, all those the cast cared about me. They were great. But they did their work, they're professionals. They're actors. They did their job. Okay. So they're going in with what they got and they're expecting you to do the same. So it's not like you can go to them. Hey, dude, can you run lines of me? They will, you know, John Ailes helped me out a lot with a lot of stuff. But, you know, you gotta be able to do that work. And the second season, man, I really had to step it up, go to my acting teacher, go back to basics,

and really push that a lot, get that muscle back. Because there was a lot of scenes that I didn't have a lot to say, but there was a lot I had to do. And when I did talk, it had to be real. And you know, hey, look, when you got a juicy scene, you're in it, right? But when you don't, and you're a fucking one of the stars

of the show, you better be in it. Yeah. Because they're cutting back to you. They better see it. You're a fucking, if you're not, you're a fucking the whole thing up. Yeah. You're gonna look like an idiot. Yeah, so I had to learn a lot to second season about acting again I had to go back into it. So the next time I get a job You know, I you know, I really I'm not gonna take it for granted. Do you think that's why I got canceled?

I tell you the fuck no, I know but I'm just kidding. I tell you, there was no, I know, but I'll tell you why I got canceled. Everything's changed in television. TV has changed. People aren't watching the same shit. People don't watch TV anymore. This shit, I really love the show. I thought it was a great show.

But maybe that type of show, there's 400 TV shows going right now, 400. There was 36 around 10 years ago. Let me ask you a question. Can we stop this and then start a new one and you send me another one and we do 20 more minutes? Yeah, sure. Let's do that.

All right, so we're gonna stop this podcast right now. You do it. Okay, so we're gonna stop this podcast right now and we are gonna continue and do a part two of another 20 minutes half hour of the VersaEffect 282 me and Bobby Kelly who who's been you know how much time is there on there right now? It's one hour and a half. Okay, we gotta stop it now we're gonna start part two right now with me and Bobby Kelly.

We're back. Okay, we're back with part two. Fuck, I hope I can upload that first one, but I think I will be able to. Anyway, so you said something just now, we were talking about acting and Bobby's second season and being prepared. And you said something, I'm gonna smoke another one, is that all right?

Yeah, there's a whole box. something I'm gonna smoke another one is that right yeah there's a whole blocks I um you might show uh before you get into it which one you're gonna smoke I'm gonna smoke what else we what are we got and I'm gonna smoke that which what let's see here yeah this one's this one's done you might smoke that try that other one this one well you can try that one I would try the little freaky one this one no no no frat the other one this one no the other one well I mean what the fuck is the one the other one this one try that one looks a little weird right out your marks blue to end of it all is about it but the fuck I know try it can I try it why is the end like look like this dude just try it okay I'll smoke

over here all right all right we'll smoke one with you. All right. All right, we'll smoke one with you. I was gonna give you that one, and then you take that one with you. All right, this is called an island gym. And it's- The guys from comedy can actually game in those. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. I'll do that. Yeah. They're a little weird, but they fucking taste good. All right, let's do it. Ready? Yeah. Yeah. Ready? Ready?

Get that up. Ready? You getting any? Yeah. Okay, keep going. Here we go. Keep going. I think you might like this.

It's a little smoother, right? Yeah. Right? Wow, it's got a good, that's different. I like it though. If you don't like it, put it out. You know what I mean? It's not bad, right? No, it's got a good, that's different. I like it though. If you don't like it, put it out, you know what I mean? It's not bad, right? No, it's not bad at all.

It's just going to smooth it. It's going to smooth it out, yeah. Nice, nice. So you said something that is my favorite quote of all time, John Wooden, talked about in the show before. And I also remember Gary Goldman said it. And when he said he loved the quote, I was like, wow, he just fucking got gets it.

The greatest quote, one of the greatest quotes of all time is from John Wooden, the legendary coach of UCLA, 11 titles. He said failure to prepare is preparing to fail. Yes. And I truly believe even in comedy every time my set was really on fucking point. Every time I was like I'm going in with this, I'm gonna open with this and if that doesn't work I'm coming with this and I had my fucking tees crossed, my eyes dotted from the

opening line until my closer and I went in and I fucking killed and the sets where I'm like ah you know I'm gonna I play with this I'll see this and what you have to do is a comic sometimes you have to be able to experiment. Right. But what you're saying is you went in with the lines fucking ready. And you went in like, well, I did, I didn't. And it was affecting me. There's what I'm saying.

You're saying season two, you didn't season two. I was going in and then I just couldn't get it. And my acting, look, you give me a scene with me in it, back and forth, a good scene. I can really do something with it. I can get into it. But you give me a scene where it's not about me, where I'm not the motherfucker, whatever.

Yeah. And, you know, those are the scenes where actors really shine. That's what the scene with a you know You you forget that this is a Ensemble thing that's happening. Yeah, you know, I might be sitting there. I'm sitting there the whole scene But the cameras on me. No, you know, it's a great example of that. I'm sorry. I mean to cook But that's a great thing you said because you know, it's a great example of that Bird was in a movie called black and white with Kevin Costner, right and he played a lawyer

Right, yeah, it was a scene in a courtroom where the other lawyer was talking right and Bill is on camera as the other lawyer Yeah, and he's not talking right but the other lawyers making points and Bill's face Would change or then he would go to a legal pad and start writing something down because he's listening to what the guy's saying. And that's what I was afraid of in acting class. I wasn't listening to the other actor, to the very end of the class. And the last scene I had, I mean, the last acting thing that I had would join a best scene.

We were two ESPN analysts in like the cafeteria. And the one guy is going, I'm quitting, I can't do this anymore because all these athletes are fucking beating their wives. They're all on drugs. I can't fucking promote these guys, right? And instead of me just waiting for my lines, I go, come on, man, dude, you love this. You love sports, like, and I really listened. And when everybody critiqued me at the end, the actor's a judgmental const, by the way.

But when they did, they were like, you were listening. You were listening to the fucking other actor. Right. And that's what I realized. Listening and acting, and like you just said, not being the motherfucker in the scene, is where you really fucking get chops because- Yeah, watch Anthony Hopkins in the Edge,

the movie, I think it's called the edge where uh, Alec Baldwin and him the plane crashes and it being chased by a bear. Right. Oh, yeah, see that movie. That's not called the edge. Is it is the edge? I think it's called the edge. That's where he was fucking the wife.

Alec Baldwin was fucking Anthony Hopkins wife. Watch how subtle he is. Alex flipping out doing what Alec does. Yeah. This cocksack, watch him. He steals the scenes because he's just, and then when he says his line, it's this very fucking subtle line,

and then when he fucking explodes, it's like, whoa. You know what I mean? It's, I mean, of course I'm not comparing myself to certain Anthony Hopkins, but I'm saying, I learned a lot to bring something to the scene. You know what I mean? Bring something.

It might not be what they want. They might fuck with it. They might enhance it, but they might be like, that was great. Bring yourself. As well as my acting teacher. My acting teacher, I remember we were like, that was great. Bring yourself, as well of my acting teacher. My acting teacher, I remember we were in a class years ago. When I first came to New York, I was taking this class. And there was students that I've been with them

before and then new students. And this one girl gets up, she's a New York actress. She gets up, she's an actress. She gets up and she does this scene with this person. And at the end of it, it just, you know, it was fucking garbage. And she goes, yeah, stop, stop, whatever. Listen, yes, can you stop with the acting?

She goes, what? She goes, this is an acting class. She goes, no, it's not. This isn't fucking, this isn't an acting class. Okay. This is, you should be yourself. There's only one of you. Right. There's no other person like you on the planet. You should be listening as you. Uh huh. And yes, there's a character and they have certain things. And you should, it's like trying on a coat. You keep trying on different things until the coat fits right,

and then you bring that into the room. And you're not acting, you should be really listening to the people, how does that affect you? It might affect you a different way than it would affect me. You know what I mean? It's not this, you know, so anyways, you know, stop acting these emotions.

Right, overly acting and just let that shit hit you. What that person said, let it hit you. Walk in with it, let it hit them and come back at you and then deal with that. Because, look, I remember once I'm John Ailes, who's the guy that played rehab in the show. Him and I come in, I say this, they were fighting in the scene.

We're not talking to each other really so leery Leery comes over and I'm saying I'm doing this I'm doing that and leery comes over He's like well hey, I had Johnny rock. I'll a bam if you need somebody. I'll do it and in the scene he's supposed to yell at him Like Johnny you're not supposed to be a trader He literally whispers it. He goes, if you go to this guy and you join him, I will never talk to you off French and whispers it. Nobody can hear him.

And fucking Larry's such a pro too. He's an actor. He goes, yeah, we're not friends. And walks away. The whole thing was written, fucking screaming and yelling. This guy just said, fuck it and whispered it. Liri just, because, he was in it. He was in it. It was the best.

It was the fucking best. And Liri took what he did and fucking did it back. Because he was fucking in the scene. He knew. With rehab. He was Johnny Rock. And this guy did that and he goes, yeah, we're not friends. And he walked away. Yeah.

As that guy, it was like, fuck. Yeah. So, you know, that's the one thing. I did something in Joanna Bexon's class that she critiqued, I think, in the wrong way. And maybe it's because I was, you know what I said, to her one time, I go, I'm not the worst you ever had. I'm like, that's all I cared about.

But you know what, though? I was supposed to come in and fight with my wife in the scene. And as I was fighting with her, I instinctively just started on button in my shirt in my bedroom. Right. And I thought it was good. And someone's like, I really liked how you did that.

Joanna Bexon was like, ah, I thought I was watching Tony soprano. And I just felt like she was wrong in that because my instinct was to do that. But here's the thing, she might be. And if she's the director and she goes, yeah, don't do that, I don't like that. You can say, well, I think it's,

that's those of these moments where I learned you had a fight for these things and there's a way to do it. You can't roll in. Like I would come up with ideas and spit them out and I do them in rehearsal, right? And Leary would be like, yeah, don't do that. Don't do that.

I don't like that. You know what I mean? Cause he's the writer, he's the producer, he's the director, all the shit. Yeah, I don't do that. Okay, but if I waited and did it in the scene and while we were doing it, he might have been like, that was good, I like that.

Cause you don't know what's gonna happen. You know what I mean? We'll see how hard to work with her now. No was good, I liked that. Cause you don't know what's gonna happen. You know what I mean? We'll see how hard to work with, or not. No, very low. Leary, because he knows me, he'll come in and, I remember once I was fucking up my lines, I couldn't get it. They used to write me tongue twisters all the time. Like, I'm going to Brooklyn for barbecue on Saturday

for big boys barbecue. You know, they're, they're, they're, you know, they're lemon meringue maritzers, they're, you know, best, whatever the fuck it was, right? Yeah. I just, I don't talk like that. I don't, I don't say that. I remember he was fucking put me, he goes,

well, you know, fucking learn your lines. You know what I mean? He put me on tilt in front well, you know, fucking learn your lines. You know what I mean? Put me on tilt. In front of people. In front of everybody. But he's, it's because we're friends. You know what I mean? It'd be like, you know, it wasn't like, it wasn't like, fuck you.

You know, and I could have went to him and said, hey, guys, don't do that. He'd be like, listen, all right, but you gotta learn your lines. But you know what I mean? It's because he loves you more than I. It's like my uncle. You know what I mean? It's because he's he loves you more than I it's like my uncle and he wants to do well and he wants to get you shit together you're on this fucking show because I know you can do it fuckface right right the I don't know these actors I'm you know what I mean I I know you you know I mean look cervical helped me a lot too you know with certain things but hey

man there was certain times where I was right and they were wrong you know there was certain things that were done and said that I was like hey, that's you know and I was right and certain things I was right and I had to take the hit You know there's a lot of things when you're on a set That especially where you look I'm I'm fifth on the call sheet. I'm the least you know There's one two three four five, you know four people ahead know, four people ahead of me. Right. And that matters. You people don't think that matters. That matters. You know what I'm saying?

On a call sheet, number one and number two and number three are the motherfuckers. They get makeup first, they get fucking wardrobe first. You know, blah, you're, you're getting, you know, I'm getting, I'm getting makeup and everything when everybody's done. When there's time. You know what I'm saying? Right. That's just the way it is. And when you get on a set man you're gonna have your

shit together you gotta have rich pizzy you know as a comic too and you're trying to be funny you you gotta have your shit together you gotta be up there with that these guys are doing this all the time that they don't you know we're gonna do comedy all the time they think that's great but they're acting all the time they're working all the time. They're working on that shit. Even auditions, dude. Booking an audition is a totally different art form

than fucking doing the gig. Oh, dude, I fucking hated it. I auditioned to being a scene with you. Where? In sex and drugs. What? I was gonna be the pizza delivery. Remember?

No motherfucker. They hate, oh, it's so bad. I walked in with a Yankee hat thinking that that's what I would wear if I delivered pies And I want to go look you fuck I delivered pies and I wore a hat first Well, you can't wear a hat. You can't wear the Yankee logo on TV that have to pay a million dollars Right, but I go on to the audition right and I got a hat on right and right when he sees me goes Yeah, he took the hat off, we don't like that. I don't got a fuck. I take the hat off and he goes, all right, say your name, what?

Who did that, Larry? No, no, your cast and director. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. A two cast and director, there's a female in a male. Yeah, I know that, they're great. Yeah, so they didn't like the hat. All right, yeah. So I put the hat down.

He goes, all right, say your name and everything like that. Don't look in the camera. So I looked in the camera. Why? I don't know. He goes, no, no, I said don't look in the camera. So I looked in the camera. Why? I don't know. He goes, no, no, I said don't look in the camera. So now I'm flustered. But I got the hat and the camera thing, they don't like me.

Right. So I was supposed to say, yeah, I have a pepperoni pizza for a Mr. Bam. Bam. Like I got confused. Like a Bam Bam. And he goes, now can you do it like a bam, bam like that? Right.

So I fucking did it and he was like, I would never say it the way he said it. And he was like, all right, you know, you're done. And I walked out knowing I didn't get it. And in my mind, I'm going, what the fuck? And I got pissed, but I realized it was like, no, they wanted me to make, like, they wanted me to do it a certain way.

I didn't, I didn't do it. And it is its own art form. And you know, like I left, like you ever leave an audition where you know you got it or you're getting a call back? No, yes I have. And you ever leave one with your bomb? Yes, yeah, most of them. I knew I bombed.

Most of this, dude, I did a bomb so bad in audition once I went to the bathroom as I was walking by the room again, I heard them talking shit about me. Call of God. That was bad. I laughed, of course I laughed, because I'm a comedian.

Literally called my fucking agent right after that. I go, they were fucking trash me in the room. But look, oh my magic goes, yeah, you're never there and never gonna see you again. No, that's not true. I doubt it. That's not true. Casting people, that's another thing.

Two people don't understand that. Casting people can push you through. Casting people, when it's down to three guys, they're like, look, I really love Bobby. He's great. He can do it. He did this. And they'd be like, okay, cool. Cast him. Because these people are in a crunch. They need to book these fucking roles. They get a book, fucking, you know, 100 roles,

other than the main characters. They need to get those people. And if, you know, I go up other than the main characters, they need to get those people. And if, you know, a guy from Comedy Central got that role. Who? The dude that's in that girl's show. Who's the two girls that do the show, I love the show too. Oh. The European guy?

Yeah. He got that role. He did But it wasn't even I had breakfast with that motherfucker in LA Who would have thought yeah, it's funny because He walked in said, you know band-bear You know it's two lines and then I walk over to him and I was like He's supposed to meet me in the alley you asshole and then I walk over and the guy flips the pizza out of the It was a little tiny thing

It was a fuck you know look they probably could have gave you that role and you probably would have done it You know what I mean, but who the fuck knows that guy probably walked in Someone knew him from some I like that guy for I like that show. He's on the southern show. Let's get him Go ahead ads You know people from that show. All that shit matters, man. You have a fucking no. As you start getting shit,

people's gonna, you know, as you get this horror movie, and you do that, and how have we got, some of them all, I saw that movie, though I love it, and they could fucking just cat that. Yeah, cat, cat, when you get booked to get you into other shit, it really does. Yeah, I know, it's funny, I noticed that too, like even with any little TV shit. Yeah, all of a sudden they see it, you get some shit. Yeah, yeah, it really does. Yeah, no, it's funny. I noticed that too like even with any little TV shit Yeah, all of a sudden they see it you get some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but our business is like when they like it everyone likes it

When everybody doesn't fuck me everybody doesn't fuck me like it's it's it is weird man. It's it's um You know it's a weird thing like you know look I was just on a series for two years before that I was doing Louis But from Louis I got a bunch of shit you know people would you know believe it or not more people know me from lewis you were great on lewis and that's what i think that's where people like oh this guy could act yeah but lewis again he was another guy who was you know the material is there

and he also is that he knew how he wanted it done right you know like i remember we were on the, I did the show called The Two Two, Robert De Niro, cop show on CBS, few years back. We're talking, you know, it's the 90210 of cop shows, just all young, good looking kids. And then I went in as an extra, you know,

an extra in the, you know, the morning fuck I was a cop, you know, an extra on the line, you know, the morning fuck I was a cop, you know. And the director was like, do something, say something. So I said fuck it. I just started smashing everybody. Like the kid in front of me, his line was, you know, reading some facts about something. I go, all right, Wikipedia relax. Fuckin' boom, made it in. They want to make me a regular regular me and this other guy. They gave that guy, they called them Wikipedia in the show. I gave him a fucking job, right? But they had me and this guy in this show where we would come in and just say funny shit.

We'd be like the comic relief for this show. 12 episodes, we come in, I was at Chelsea Pierce, it was a fucking great gig, right? I'd show up, we're in a car in the winter, in the car in the fucking summer. So we shot through, so I was either in AC or heat, and we'd pull up in the car and say, some stupid shit, right?

Yeah. But every week there's a different director, every week there's a different director. Every week there's a different writer. So there's a writer that writes that episode with that director, right? Next week for 12 episodes, it was four different people, five different people we dealt with, okay? So you're dealing with all this different shit.

Yeah. Every fucking week. Yeah. So you had to learn how to, this guy is, you can't, he doesn't like any new shit. Say the fucking lines. This guy wants you to come up a new shit. It's cool. You got to learn all these little nuances with the people you work with and how to approach

them. It's a whole other fucking ball game. Yeah. That's why we're gonna with Louis and Lorca and Leroy and Ceprico and Celete and them. They're the guys. So you don't have to go like, you know, there was fucking nine producers on to 20 on these big shows.

There's a writer, another writer, and a fucking director, and another director, and then producers and the book. So you had to go through this fucking chain of command. Yeah. But when you're working with Louis, Louis the fucking writer, he's the editor, he's the director, he's the star, he's the producer. So he'll go. He directed it? Yes. So here he would go, okay, not try it this way. Let's, I want to do it. He would do it. Louis was really great with actors because he would do it. He would do it until he got it. He would just keep running the scene because he said you know he's very smart. I agree with him.

Scenes kind of started out here and then get better and better and better and then you get that one and then after you get that one, it starts to get shitty again. Okay. He would know that, okay, we just got it. Right. Whatever we do from now on is going to go. And he would, and he also says to actors, you have to be very sensitive to and accommodating and supportive. Comics, you have to almost tell them they suck To get them to fucking do it Because they're so competitive. Yeah, so alpha male. Yeah, you almost have to go dude. What the can you fuck come on

And they'd be like I fucking got this fuck you. Let's do it. And it's true Yeah, we have to you know you get almost pissed and you defiant Yeah, I remember we were doing a scene Though one of the last I think the last season we did that thing and we're in my house and we do this whole thing and he makes up a lot of stuff as you're going. He's like say this and try this and I'm like what about this you know he's really creative and he works with the space because he hasn't been in the space yet so now if something we're in there he's like oh let's do this I want to do it once you're and you're going

to sit on the couch there's a pillow and I grabbed the pillow and I and we're doing this stuff and we're talking and We did this scene. We kept doing it and then we did one take and in the take We were so in it It was so fucking good and the sound guy went cut This little quiet cut and Lou goes what the fuck what was that and he goes My battery died the guy's battery died in the mic the fucking mic. Oh my god And he goes do you know that was the fucking that was it that was the one oh my god right in the middle of that fucking We it was weird because I as soon as we were done

You know when you're acting good because as soon as someone else caught you like What the fuck yeah, whoa, that was where were we? Where were we yeah, where the fuck were we? Yeah, it's almost like I feel like it's almost like you know You ever do a bit where you forget there's a crowd there. You're so into the fucking story Yeah, you're so into it very much that's that's always when I know like I'm doing a good story or a good bit where I forget there's a crowd. I'm fucking living it man. I'm telling it like that.

Wow. Yeah dude, acting man, you gotta, I'm telling you. You gotta, you gotta go through that script. You gotta go through it, make notes as you're going through it. You gotta make notes on the other person's line. What are they saying? What are they trying to get from you? Why did he say that?

Oh he said that because of this You know, Burr is good at that too. Burr was always great at that. He would break down a script really great Yeah, you know, I would always have a natural ability to just kind of act, you know, but You know, I could do but Burr would go in and he would say, he would try these things and he really, and I learned from that stuff where it's like, okay, what's going on here? What's the, what is this guy's motivation? You gotta do that shit, man.

You gotta go through the script, you gotta make notes, you gotta know your scene. Now look, man, a lot of these actors, I'll tell you right now, you, even on Louis, I remember we did the scene Louis calls me and he goes can you cry? I go yeah I can but what the fuck what do you mean? Crying life I cry all the time yeah he was no in a scene I go yes if if it's a scene I yeah I can do it I was kind of offended like well yeah fucking yeah but I understand he's coming from you know

and he wrote this scene it was the scene about the mother being a lesbian It's like the first scene that I did with him what people like that scene was you know and The actress that was playing our mom mom is this huge theater actress like I mean holy shit right I knew my lines back wouldn't forward. I fucking did it. I did all the work. I was ready to go this day of that scene. I'm ready to fucking do it. So we all action and we're building and then she says their first line and she's like, I, what's the line again? What is it? She didn't know one fucking line. Yeah. I always hear that about big time actors and actresses.

You get so scared and intimidated when you work with them. And you know it front to back. And they look at it like that. I get a fuck. I do when I did law and order. I remember I did the scene with the two young guys. I knew my shit back and I knew it, right? Because I rehearsed it over and over again

for the audition and then when I got the part. And blah, blah. I remember we got up We're just sitting there. They're like all right speed You know, I'm on my mark. Yeah, stand on my mark since we say, you know, just sitting down We're fucking on their phone. Let's do three to magazine speed market speed all right and and as soon as they and they, stand on their mark, action.

And they'd fucking say they're lying. I would do my line. They'd say they're lying. Cut. And they'd be like, they'd sit right back down again. Because they did this shit every fucking day. Well, this MMA movie that I did, the first feature, which comes out in a couple of months,

size more, Tom size more was in it. Love him. Yeah. How was it? He plays the detective. I didn't work with him, because my scene comes out in a couple of months. Size more, Tom Size more was in it. Love him. Yeah, and he plays the detective. I didn't work with him because my scene was fighting the star to the death. I get killed. You fight?

I'm an MMA fighter. Wow. Is there nine and a half years? So I'm not being in Southeast. No. Please don't let take this the wrong way. I'm looking at you right now. Ah.

I'm literally looking. You got a fucking, you got a double hoodie on. double hoodie on what so where are you fighting? So I showed up to the thing right so this is this is how I told a story on that I told a story on the show before but for New listeners that don't know five minutes by the way. Yeah, all right so All right, well you said a half hour. I'm just giving you a time. Okay. Yeah, you know, whatever It's as long as it's not an hour and a half but oh So what the fuck you're talking about?

Ah! I thought you were on a, I'm never on a time thing. No, no, you know, you know, do you know what dude, just go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you did a fucking three hour show. Well, you're worried about fucking upload speed. I don't know what you got in your house in the woods.

Yeah, I don't have fucking D-Poo. All right. Yeah. You know, who does it me? I do have a D-Poo back. You know, fucking D-Poo, you don't have, like, you don't have fucking deep poo. You know, who does it me? I do have a deep poo. I don't act like you don't have a fucking indie and wizard working for you. So guys got fucking technicians. He's got every fucking thing and he's going, yeah, you have an upload problem. Of course, I am. It's fucking me.

I got so so a guy saw me perform at the Wilbur, and he goes, dude, you were really funny. I did a movie. I did a movie. He did Oxy Morons. He wrote, directed, and starred in Oxy Morons, which was the Oxy Cotton epidemic in Boston. When Boston thugs were fucking holding up pharmacies for that shit. And in Charlestown, and he did that movie at one awards.

It was number one in a genre on Netflix. It did really well. So I was like, I'm doing a new movie and He's like I'd love to get in it. I'm thinking he's gonna get me, you know, he's like, I'll try to get you Try to get you a line with the cop. I'll try to get you a security guard Yeah, so I'm thinking I'm gonna get like hey, you kids have fun in there, you know, no And he calls me the night before his act, dude. I got a big part for you I don't know, you know, it's kind of bigger than I thought but I think you could do it

And he goes you play an MMA fighter you fight the star and I go what the you. I don't know, you know, it's kind of bigger than I thought, but I think you could do it. And he goes, you play an MMA fighter, you fight the star. And I go, what the fuck? I can't, you know, he goes, no, no, it's gonna be UFC guy, I'll train you. Long story short, I get to this fucking set the next day. It's snowing. I drive on location in Connecticut. It's fucking John Doomsday Howard fucking.

You know who that is from UFC? John Doomsday Howard, he fought it. I don't know when you started watching it, but he was a big you started watching from the beginning you started what you don't know John Doomsday no John Doomsday Howard Black dude fucking jacked from Boston. I think his record in UFC was about 14 and Right, yeah, yeah, so he takes us to this warehouse and he starts training us and choreograph in this whole thing right now I'm in fucking jeans a thermal top, I got a beard, I got a fucking scully on and Timberlain boots,

dude, I'm sweating for an hour and a half. I got cramping, I didn't stretch. I don't know what the fuck, I'm fucking stretching, I'm fighting this fucking model kid, who's the star of this fucking show. Kids in shape, I'm just going, are we gonna go to this? Are we going to? I mean, I can't fucking breathe. So, yeah, it was fucking unreal. So

anyway, it's a fight to the death thing. And I actually started fucking getting it, but I'm there nine and a half hours of putting fake blood in my mouth. I'm fucking jumping around on the floor. I mean, I'm cramping up really fucking bad. You know what I'm saying? I'm cramping up a bad tape. They made me look good though, you know. I look kind of, you know, bigger. So fucking size more than it. He plays a lead detective trying to like fucking, you know, deal with this underground fighting ring.

They said like he showed up kind of like limping. And they said he was this kind of fucked up. And he said as soon as fucking action came Yeah, he fucking a pep in his step and he just fucking got so locked into this detective And as soon as it was done he would just sit down and be fun and like I mean that guy could win a cat I mean like that's that's fucking Tom size more like that's what he does the way the way we go into with your show Yeah, but that's what these fucking guys do size more as far as one of my favorites Yeah, yeah, yeah one of my favorites. Yeah, yeah, one of my favorites

Yeah, so that you know, but yeah, that is number what I have his number Oh, do you yeah? Yeah, I did he did open Anthony one day and I was there and we wind up talking and he just wrote his number on a P goes yeah, give me a buzz man. Well, you know, why cuz he got sober, you know You know shit together. He's like well hang out or whatever. I never called him of course You know why because he got sober, you know, you got a shit together. He's like, well hang out or whatever I never called him of course because I didn't want to be like, oh, huh? You know, I get fucking rejected like I've every other star. Christmas later. Fucking sends me an email. I Really love you on Louis. I send a whole email back Nothing that's so funny. It's like I thought we're gonna be pals. I'm one of my

fucking We're gonna be pals. I was one of my fucking Uncrested I watch I watch untame hearts. Oh my god because no, I was a fan of that's what a fucking Slater fan I was I watch pump up the volume and untame hearts was one of my favorites. Was it pop up the vibe terrible or no? Yeah, but I watched it. That's so fucking fun. I watched them all and I'm a big fan I'm a big slate of fan. My favorite movie of all time, True Romances. Yeah. See it in all times at the theaters by myself.

That was the first, that was that, and that unusual suspects with the first two DVDs I ever bought. Fucking greatest. The first two DVDs I ever bought. Yeah, great. True Romance is unfuck unbelievable. Yeah, True Romance is, you know what I mean? Quint Tarantino wrote it.

Yep. And Tony Scott directed it. Yeah. And Quint and Fuggin was pissed. Yeah, and uh... But I'm kinda glad, I mean, I, I know how he would have, I know how Quint and what a director it would have been like, Pulp Fiction.

I'm glad he didn't, because it's very... Listen to the actors in this movie. Look about this, okay? Yeah, you got Slater. Yeah, you got a young Brad Pitt. Yep, right? You got Patricia Arquette. Patricia Arquette sexy. You got Dennis Hopper Yep, you got Christopher Walken. Yeah, you got Gary Oldman. Yep, okay? Yeah, don't forget Michael Rappaport. You got Gandalfine. Yeah, Gandalfini has that scene with Patricia Arquette and you know that that scene Is why he got is why David Chase saw that scene and said that's my Tony's a prana right that fucking scene where he beats the shit out He goes you know, you got a lot of heart. Yeah, he's fucking throwing around the bathroom

Yeah, and she's praying and then stabs him in the foot that scene got him Tony's a proud. Yeah, that movie. Loaded. Every scene, every scene in that movie, and that's what Tarantino writes, is a fucking acting clinic. Okay, every scene in that fucking movie is an acting clinic. It's amazing. It was, yeah, that's what, that's what. Michael Rappaport was great in that movie.

He played this fucking goofy fucked up guy. Yeah, so what are you got coming up with the movies? Or right now, I'm writing something. Oh, okay. Right in, just writing them, writing them, writing them. You're right. Hopefully, yeah, so we're writing, I'm writing right now, got this great thing going on.

See what happens with it, you know, this business. Working on my hour. And that's it, man, really focused in. You know, that's the one thing is, it's I think that as comics, we try to do some like nine different things. You know, work on three different scripts and a fucking, you know, like internet,

fucking shorts and, and I'm doing writing jokes and blah, blah, blah, it's like, you gotta really hone it down and do one thing. Yeah, you said something to me a while back. You said to me some a while back, we were sitting there talking. I don't know if we were on your podcast or whatever, but you said, you gotta have a plan, you know, and I always think about that. And I think you gotta have short term and long term goals. were on your podcast or whatever, but you said, you got to have a plan, you know, and

I always think about that. And I think you got to have short-term and long-term goals, but like, I don't want to work on a million things. Like, right now, you know, thank God my album did really good last year. Now it's a new hour. I'm going to shoot a special, and I'm just working on it till it's right, and there's a script that I'm going to be writing to, and like those two things, but like the hours of priority, you know, and all that. So I'm glad we got to go into overtime. I just want

to say to like, Bobby, you were always, I'm serious. I'm not trying to get sentimental here, but you're always great to comedians. You're always great to younger comedians and you are always fucking great to me on your show. I should have been on my show sooner, but I live far and we haven't got a chance to do it. I'm like, 15 minutes away. But yeah. Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? You live right up the fucking road.

I'm the closest comedian to you. No, my GPS told me 42, man, I didn't 38. But I didn't 38. But like, you know, but no man You always be great to me and you're you're one of truly like and I'm sure you guys know Bobby if you're listening to this But if you don't truly one of the funniest guys out there YouTube and and and you know, I'm glad we got I got to go into a little overtime at TV E this week with Bobby

We got to talk acting and all this stuff, which is great What you got any plugs with dates? You got to talk acting and all this stuff, which is great. What you got any plugs with dates? No, just go to my website, robbichelalive.com. My tour is continuing, the true story tour is continuing after we just booked a bunch of dates in Florida and after the new year. So just go to my website and check out my dates. My hour is up there if you want to buy it with a bunch of extra content.

And then it's on Netflix too. If you want to check it out on Netflix, go five star that shit. And then, and I want to thank you for doing this one-on-one with me. Always. For my fans. And, you know, like I said, you're a hard work and guy, you know, those guys in this business that, like myself, you know, those guys in this business that, like myself, you know, we just fucking keep doing it. We keep doing it, we keep, you know, hustling and fucking bust in our asses,

getting better, hanging out with people that do shit better than us, learning from them, and passing it down to other people too. That's the biggest thing, you know, you know, all the people that help me out, the Colin Quinn, the Louise, the Learies, the CERPA Cows, all these people have helped me, the Dane Cooks, all that shit, the Billy Burrs,

they help you. And it's good that you give it back. And we have that community. So I appreciate you coming on the show. And you're gonna be on my coming on the show. Yeah. And you're gonna be on my show on the big show, the regular show this week too. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be there Tuesday.

And like you're doing it like, I mean, when I look at guys like that I, not wanna emulate, but the style of comedy that I looked up to. And the style of comedy, we talked about this before, the style of comedy that I do, like I'm not, and I don't think you are either, I don't wanna speak for you, but I feel like both of us before, the style of comedy that I do, like I'm not, and I don't think you are either, I don't wanna speak for you,

but I feel like both of us aren't the, Jokey joke late night comedy. Not monologue guys. No, I'm not a monologue guy, I'm not a Jokey joke guy. I'm a walk around the stage like a fucking lunatic. Tellin' stories, trying to build pieces, doin' some jokes out of five minutes, and of course there's a quick ones in there,

but that, you know, you do it the way, like if I watch you for it, I was like, you're a guy I watch for an hour, there's some people, and this is not against, and know, you do it the way like if I watch you for it I was like you're a guy I watch for an hour There's some people and this is not against and we've talked about before I've talked about other communities It's not against those monologues. It's not against those guys that are, you know, great fucking this happened and this happened and this happened And the joke's done and this happened and this happened. That's not what what I do not what you do, but you know It's just you know, we're more of a, just a straight up, fucking straight up dudes. That's the comedy that I love.

And, you know, as far as my plugs, you could go to my website. I got dates in New York City. I'm also gonna be traveling. I'm gonna be in Atlanta coming up in a few months. I'm gonna be at the punch, I'm sorry. I'll be at the punch line in Atlanta a few months. I'm also gonna be at the Providence Comedy Connection.

All those dates will be on PaulVersi.com. You can follow me as you guys know at PaulVersi on Twitter. And I got to get fucking better at Instagram, but I'm going to be on that shit. Next week, I'll do the unacceptable and read your guys unacceptable. This week is a special show with my special guest, the hilarious Bobby Kelly. So I'll be back to doing the more structured show next week. And this has been episode 282. Until next week, I'm outta here

and I will talk to you guys soon. All right, I'll see you guys later. Thanks for listening. You know what, there, with Paul Verzi. See you next time. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Check out riotcast.com for all of the best podcasts on the internet.

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