Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Pete Lee and Rich Vos | Real Man

Episode Date: January 28, 2024

This week Bobby is joined by Pete Lee and Rich Vos. Pete talks about being a black belt in Taekwondo, crushing on Fallon, and Vos crashes the podcast midway through. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I had a gal that I dated in New York when I first moved here. And she thought that she was really tough in fighting because she was Really good at flag football, but she didn't realize that she's like talking smack to some dangerous bitches in New York City And so she would always pick fights with these women And then the boyfriend would have to come over and be like what's up, dude? And I'd like dude act like you're like really yelling at me like act like you're and they'd be like what I'd like dude Just like you're like really yelling at me, like act like you're, and they'd be like, what? And I'd be like, dude, just like you're getting the best

of me, but I was like, I was like, then we're, I'm gonna go buy you a beer. And like, like, but I was like, do you, we don't want to fight cause there's a saying in fighting that one person goes to jail and one person goes to the hospital. So like, and you don't want to go to either of those places. So like, I don't, I don't want to fight. Like I, it's, I'm also like-

We say in Boston, one person goes to the hospital, the other guy high fives all his friends and gets his dude talk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We're back, you know what dude live welcome everybody to the show YKW, welcome everybody to the show I started the social media podcast The facts The YKW dude podcast YKWD is back again Oat school back in the day Where it all started before them all

YKW, YKWD This podcast is so fun and crazy And has no rules God help you ruining this We're the barbana man I'm sorry It's a comedy podcast This isn ruining this. We're the bomb, Dan, I'm out. I'm sorry. It's Comedy Podcast. This isn't NPR.

That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original. Original. What's up, everybody? You know what, dude? We're back in the studio above the Comedy Cellar. I'm here with the Tizzy 3. We just got done doing a show over at the Pussycat Lounge.

This mic is hot. It's hot. And I'm psyched about it. We got a very special show on You Know What 2. We got the people live watching and the Patreon. Hey, here's the deal. That was my dead throat. Here's the deal. That was my dead throat. Here's the deal. If you're watching on YouTube right now, just subscribe, just hit the button, hit like and comment or whatever. Just do me that favor. You're watching this. Thousands of people watch this show every week on the YouTube's and I need you to subscribe. Be a subscriber. And if you want to really support the show, you want to watch it

live, get the extra episode, be in the chat right now. There's people in the chat commenting all that stuff. You want to really support the show, you want to watch it live, get the extra episode, be in the chat right now. There's people in the chat commenting, all that stuff. You want to get vicious, get into the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. That's all you got to do. Go there. It's like five bucks or something like that.

Ten bucks. Let's say it's nothing. Click it, support the show. I can feed the Tizzy three. They're uh, dead. They're dead. Paper clips and dead. And bullets, that's what they eat. I don't know what they eat. They eat. Anywho, I just jammed down a protein bar because I'm trying, I'm back in baby. I worked out. Dead. Three days is sweet. I'm back in, but we got a great show for tonight. Let's just get to it.

He just jumped off stage and jumped up here. I've known this man for a long time. We jacuzzi together with some chicken Florida. He, he was my middle act back when he was a little baby, little middle. And he middle for me in Ebor City at the improv. That's how far it was before I played sidesplitters. He was there with me and we had a great weekend and we've been friendly ever since and friends ever since and he's blown up since then knocking it out of the fucking park. Park and let's

give it up. Pete Lee, man. How's it going? It's so good to be here. It's so funny. I had a memory of those titties in the hot tub the other day. Did we see the titties? Yeah, you were like, cause- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, yeah. Make sure the timestamps good on this. I'm married.

I mean, that was at least 25 years ago. I think that was 25 years ago. Yeah, we were both, I had hair. Well, neither of us, yeah, neither of us did anything with this lady, but she was like a friend of a friend. And then we were like all in the hot tub and you were like trying to do me a solid to try to hook me up with her.

And then you're like, why don't you show Pete your tits? And then she was like, okay. And then you, like you got up and left like pretty quickly after that. And then I just had no ability to seal the deal with the girl that had already showed me her tits. Yeah you were you were a rubber band dude you sucked. Dude I sucked. You really fuck I mean dude we're in Ebor city which is just pure debauchery after eight o'clock. Yeah I had

like a bottle of wine that I had taken from the club that night like I had all the tools to succeed. She was at the show. She was at the show. We both killed. I think she wound up staying at the comedy condo and like sleeping on the couch. With you. Not with me, but like alone,

but you know that you don't want to have sex with somebody when you'll sleep on a comedy condo couch instead of sleeping in a bed. Like that's how badly I messed it up. She was, yeah, we came out after the show and E-Board City, people don't know this, after eight o'clock or eight thirty, it turns into hell. Yeah.

All day long it is a tourist trap. It's beautiful, they have great restaurants and all kinds of stuff and then they have comedy shows and movie theaters and it's families and old couples and all. And then around eight thirty39 o'clock the riff raff steps in. And I didn't know that. I mean we came out with her and there was cops everywhere. Cops everywhere and like every gang member in northern Florida is there

and they're walking around. I actually have have you ever like gone out with cops, like cops off duty cops? I had a family member, there was a police officer down there and he's still alive and stuff like that, but he's just not a police officer. But him and his friends were just shoving each other into gang members and like laughing about it. And I'm like, how, like, how jaded are you?

How much crime have you seen that you're just like yeah we'll handle it but like they thought it was funny in Ybor City just shove each other into the game. Well when you say cops I don't mean guys in uniform with hats yeah I'm talking there was a guy with a vest mm-hmm a leather vest and just a chain badge yeah I mean and then another guy had a mesh shirt with a chain badge. This was like Miami Vice or some video game cop. Yeah, like you have to get promoted

at least three levels in the force to have like street clothes with the chain and the badge. That's also one of the coolest looks in the world. I was joking around about cocaine in Milwaukee and just like, because I think it's funny for me to talk about it, I think that's hilarious. And then I was like, oh, I'll be think it's funny for me to talk about it. I think that's hilarious. And then I was like, I'll be selling it

after the show with my T-shirts. And this lady came up and she slapped her badge down on the table, like a really heavy leather and metal thing. And she goes, I will have one cocaine, sir. And I was like, oh shit. Like it all got really serious. I was just joking around. Please tell me you said, well, you have to suck my-

Did. You got it, ma'am. Officer? Yeah, don't you know the price my d- You get it, ma'am. Ha ha ha ha. Officer? Yeah, don't you know the price of cocaine? Yeah. That's the street. I don't charge money. I charge services, officer.

Ha ha ha. So I get put in jail for two things, soliciting and drugs. Ha ha ha. Have you ever had sex with a cop? No. I had to think about that for a second. I, yeah, I don't, yeah, have you ever had sex with a cop? Yes.

Alright, timestamp it. His name was... No. Gary, and he forced it on me. It was like a bad lieutenant thing. He pulled me over and then he goes... Alright, we gotta beep that because we're gonna do stuff. Here's the thing though, that night we were in the jacuzzi.

I remember we were sitting there and I remember how terrified we were because there was just cops everywhere, sirens going off and there was helicopters just hovering over E-Bor city. And we were like, dude, there's murder, like murderers. Like we would hear screams. Yeah, it was really gnarly. And by the way, your jacuzzi was at the Hilton Garden Inn

hotel that they have in E-Bor city. your jacuzzi was at the Hilton Garden Inn Hotel that they have in Ybor City. So we got behind the gates of the Hilton Garden Inn and we were like, finally, safe. We were behind the gates, but there were only little tiny gates that get literally hot. We were in there in our shorts. Yeah, you could actually reach over it

and just grab the handle if you're big enough. I would have let them take her in two seconds. Dude, you were so funny that week. And I remember I was like trying to figure out those Florida crowds. And like you, I remember we would go to like Dave and Buster's and play games and stuff like that. And we would play chess during the day. And so not only were you just like, like wiping the floor with me on stage, which you should have been your, your headline and whatnot. But then every time you beat me at a game, you'd be

like, yeah, I've been f**king you up all week on stage. And then I just beat you at air hockey or like I just beat you with this. And I was like, I, if you weren't so funny, I would have been demoralized. I mean, what a dick I am. Jesus Christ. Was I really doing, you were just mushing your face into it? You were mushing my face into it. But I remember just like, I was like, I thought it was awesome because you were, you're being so hilarious in your,

like in your taunts and stuff. And you also were like a hundred percent correct about it. You're, you're winning at every game that we played and then on stage, like I would be on stage and like, I think that I only had to do 20 minutes and I still couldn't even figure out which part of my, because at that point I was like, I'm from the Midwest and they were like, we don't care. It was a hard club though, because that club, and that's why I stopped playing that room, it was three levels. It was like three levels that went straight up

and they had two stages. They had the upper stage and then the down stage. It was a hard room to corral. And you're talking about tourists, man. These weren't, these are just dead people. They lumped in there. I wasn't really packing them in either so it wasn't it was you know, it was

Yeah, it was a hard room to do you would like every single show you would fill up the full lower level Which the full lower level was like 300 people just to fill up the lower level and there was a second tier and then the third Oh third tier. Yeah, it was terrible. It was terrible. And you couldn't even go to the green room was on the third tier. Yeah. So like you'd hear, are you guys ready?

And you'd have to run. And then wait for an elevator. Yeah, wait for an elevator. Can I tell you the joke that I played on Jeff Dunham at that club? I don't know if I told you about it. Would you fuck his puppet? Dude, I fucked it so hard.

Dude, soft mouth. He put his hand in and he was like, ugh. You see his mouth move? Oh! For some reason, I didn't even think about going up that way. I like went mouth with it. But you, yeah, you made me like gay fuck the fuck. Yeah, no, well, I mean, you got a big dick.

Yeah, well, thank you. Well, here's the thing I remember about you, which I mean, it really interests me because I remember you were telling me that and it just blew me away because to me comics didn't do other things. You know what I mean? Like I hung out with Norton and Patrice and Billy and you know, I mean, and Voss and Keith and we didn't do other things. We slept all day, got some lunch, played some stupid sports, and then went to the clubs all night. And we, you know, all night long until the fucking sun came up and we did it all over again.

Yeah. But you were running, you were swimming and doing triathlons, I think. I was doing triathlons. I remember. No, you swim in the Hudson River. Yeah, I think? I was doing triathlons. I remember- No, you swam in the Hudson River. Yeah, I did the New York City triathlon six years and I swam in the Hudson.

I got stung in the face by a jellyfish one time. It was crazy. So the tide had come up, which meant that all the creatures in the ocean also came up the Hudson River. So there were probably sharks in there, I don't know. But all the jellyfish were just like, well, I go wherever the Hudson River. So like, there were probably sharks in there. I don't know, but all the jellyfish were just like, well, I go wherever the tide goes.

And I remember like, people were just getting stung left and right. And I was like, well, it's like, people are like kind of yelling in the water because it hurts so bad. And then somebody was like jellyfish. And I was like, well, I'm almost done. I haven't gotten stung.

And then this jellyfish goes, whoop, is there a beeping? Yeah, do you hear that? Yeah, I heard a bit that That's something outside. Oh, sorry. We're in New York City. Oh, yeah We have the sounds of the city. Yeah, well, you can hear arty or somebody screaming a minute, too. Oh, really? Yeah, some of sure I'll be like, yeah. Oh, yeah, I saw sure odd last night. He can I bring up some controversy with sure odd? Yeah, he he RSVP to my wedding and just didn't show up and a controversy with Sharad. Yeah.

He RSVP'd my wedding and just didn't show up. And my wife was like, she was like, are you gonna have like a talk with him or is that gonna be like the end of the friendship? And I was like, no, I'm just gonna be like, hey man, I'm glad you're okay. Like, yeah. Well, I don't understand.

He said he's gonna come. He RSVP'd, we're on a text thread. He's like, dude, I can't wait. Like single women, all this stuff. And then he just did show up. He's fucking rapey. Yeah, he, well., yo single women I can touch Single women. Yeah, you're like sure. That's kind of everywhere you go

Like a lot of single women, but yeah, my wife she thought that it was gonna be some sort of like, you know Real quick, you know, he's black, right? We have to whisper that word. Yeah, you can. You can. You know he's. Yeah, dude. He's got to get it. You know what I mean?

So he has Lenny Marcus RSVP and didn't show up. That's a whole. That's a whole. He's actually didn't know show. He just isn't there yet. What Jesus. Rich Voss is here calling me. Rich Voss, everyone's going to call me and I'll go,

Pete Lee, I'm a headliner. And then it'll just hang up. It's so funny. I love Rich so much. I do too. I love him. All of you guys are like really great, sweet people, but like, um, like I always had this impression that you're just gonna eviscerate me and now like some of the people that were the scariest people at the cellar table, like you're just the nicest people in my life You know we were we were just fucking comics dude, and that's what comics did we've made fun of each other We made fun that people used to be like oh you guys so mean did fuck you we made fun of each other Worst than anybody. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? But it was you know, we weren't what none of those guys are fine

I mean I boss is the meanest person. I know Norton is the fight can be vicious. You know what I mean? I mean absolutely I think we've settled down in age But I mean but here's a problem with you. Oh now he's gone him Is there put on speakers there? Yeah, oh emergency. What's up? Yo, what's up buddy? Yeah, I'm upstairs with Pete Lee right now Whoa, how'd upstairs with Pete Lee right now. Whoa, how'd you get Pete Lee? I had it. I know. I had to get in touch with Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Dimmy Asolid.

Whoa, unbelievable. Okay, where are you? Holy shit. I want to come just take a picture with Mr. Lee. Sure, come on up, take a picture real quick. Well, how long are you gonna be going? I'm driving, I mean, I'm not far from him. We're here for a while, we just started. You just started. Okay, I gotta go.

Mr. Lee, do you need me to bring anything? Do you need anything? Mr. Voss wants to know if you need anything. Yeah, maybe like a few jokes or something. He needs a couple of jokes. Yeah, well I don't have an hour. Listen, Pete Lee doesn't need jokes. Pete Lee's a joke monster.

Yeah, he is. If you can't go see Jim Gaffigan, go see Pete Lee. We were just talking about his t-shirt that says From the River to the sea. We'll see you in a couple minutes. Anyways. Oh my God. Oh my God.

That's so funny. What time? But you guys just stop really quick. Pete, even back then you were such a sweet guy, but you were very, you didn't, look it, when I first met you, you were so nice, so sweet. You have that, Hey, how are you? What's going on? You know, and I'm a deck. Hey, what's up? You know, whatever the fuck I was doing to you. But then I found out you did all this manly shit, like swimming in

the Hudson doing a triathlon. I mean, that's, that's manly shit. Like you're an athlete. I'm an athlete. And like I've worked construction in my life. Yeah, I've done, yeah, I'm a black belt in Taekwondo. I've kick boxed competitively. But yeah, I mean. It's wait a minute. But my whole personality is centered around

like I don't want any conflict. I don't want to get into a fight. But if you could, you'd fucking murder somebody. Well, yeah, I mean maybe, but now I'm 46. So like I could just probably make it so that I could like mitigate the damage, you know? All right, I wanna know if you're gonna get mad at somebody, if someone pushes you to the limit.

Yeah. I'm gonna push you to the limit right now. Let's push real. And you just, this is an acting thing. You don't have to hit me really. But like, I'm gonna push you to the limit. I'm gonna say some shit to you. And you fucking put, I wanna see what you to the limit. I'm gonna I'm gonna say some shit to you and you you fucking put you

I want to see what you'd say. Yeah. Hey listen bitch Why don't you fucking shut your face? Why don't you shut it? You're a black belt and what I'm a black black Politeness. Yeah, I'm a black belt and I how about this dude you show sucked. Why don't you get funny? Oh, man, you're probably right I I I'm always deescalating like I let me try I had a I had a Gallaudet in New York when I first moved here and she was like she thought that she was like really tough in fighting because she was really Good at flag football, but she didn't realize that she's like talking smack to some dangerous bitches in New York City.

And so she would always pick fights with these women and then the boyfriend would have to come over and be like, what's up dude? And I'd be like, dude, act like you're like really yelling at me like act like you're, and they'd be like, what? And I'd be like, dude, just like you're getting the best of me. But I was like, then I'm gonna go buy you a beer. And like, but I was like, do you know, we don't want to fight

because there's a saying in fighting that one person goes to jail and one person goes to the hospital. So like, and you don't wanna go to either of those places. So like, I don't wanna fight. Like I, I'm also like- We say in Boston, one person goes to the hospital, the other guy high fives all his friends

and gets his dick sucked. Ha ha ha ha ha. What if that's what it could have been to happen in the whole time? Yeah dude. I could just been winning fights and getting my dick sucked. Yeah, you ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha said that in fighting and it is a good saying. But if some dude's being a dickhead and you knock him the fuck out, you're going to be a hero to a lot of people. Well, the last time I fought, it was in New York City. I had a place on 60 Seconds and my dry cleaner's name was Joe. He had the same last name as me. Joe Lee? Joe Lee.

And we're going to get into that too. Why do you have an Asian last name? Well, it's British. Lee is a British last name and British just like fucked their way around the globe. And so I think Lee, well, I guess there were dynasties where there were Lees a long time ago, but I think like the modern spelling of it, L-E-E is like a British spelling. Bobby Lee is British?

I guess so. Oh my God. I don't know what he is. I don't know what that, he's a creature. He really, wow. Bobby Lee is like that. I don't know what that is. He's a creature. He really is. Wow. Bobby seems to like that. I didn't say Bobby. I don't need that little fucking creature attacking me.

Hey, Bobby, I don't even know you, but what I was trying to say is there's nobody like you. You're gonna try, you're trying to say five different Asians fuck to make you. Yeah. And one British guy. Oh God. I was going to elaborate, but then I'm like, oh, then. He knows Kung Fu, too.

Oh, he knows Kung Fu, too. Yeah, he's not a black belt. Here we go. Read it out loud. It means a meadow or a forest clearing. Oh, Lee. All right. There you go.

That's Pete Meadow. Wait a minute. Lee is the name in Ireland has several diverse origins, resulting in widely dispensed clutter of the name in southern west. I mean, there's, I mean, it's Irish, it's England, it's Norway. In Norway it means you're a liar.

Oh really? What does it mean in China? In China it means plum tree. You're a plum tree. I'm a plum tree. You know what? Well, it's not delightful. That goes with Bobby Lee. Yeah. He is a plum tree. He is a plum tree. He's a little plum, cutie little plum tree. I'm a plum tree. You know what? Well, not delightful. That goes with Bobby Lee. Yeah

Yeah, he has a plum tree as a plum tree little plum cutie little plum tree. I do love Bobby Lee and he's absolutely hilarious So I'm sorry. I called you a creature Bobby. Yeah, he's all right. Yeah Yeah, he's all right Let's start a war. I like that you downgraded. Yeah, he's all right I don't even know how we were we're saying I'm saying that you here's the thing with you is that you you when I when I met you such a sweet guy but you you I found out that you're this you're a man like you're more of a I mean you did more manly shit than I did I'm playing video game I'm playing Tekken I'm playing Tekken with Patrice yeah until three in the morning and they get in the fight smoking a cigarette with a post

You're out running marathons Riding bikes and swimming through jellyfish shark infested waters. Yeah being a goddamn antly and all of a sudden here you come You went away. Mm-hmm. You work in your work. I don't know where you went, but I know you went away. You're in New York I went to LA. Okay, you went to LA and Because you were here and you disappeared and you're gone. And then all of a sudden, you come back, dude, and you're killing it. Oh, thank you. And I think, and I could be wrong, it's The Tonight Show.

I think it was The Tonight Show. I think that gave me the confidence. Well, honestly, all of that started happening before I left here because when we started doing this week at the Comedy Cellar, we would write 20 minutes of new stuff, because they'd send that breakdown. And then we had to do that on television. And that was a realization, because I had written for TV shows before, and I was like, wait, I could write 20 minutes of new stand-up a week.

That's crazy. And I would do that. And Liz would just like, let me go on for as long as I had new stuff for those tapings. And then I was like, um, I like, then I moved to LA. I was actually flying back and forth between here and there to do, to do that show. And so I remember just like starting to generate stand up on like, like a higher mass level than I ever had before. And I think that's where things really took off because if you write a lot, you're going to write some good things.

Whereas before I think I was scared to write, I would write a good joke and then I'd be like, oh man, the next one I write has to be a really good joke. But that's never going to happen. Well, I mean, I'm in a write this thing right now for the last year, cause I just kind of broke out of it this weekend. Oh, like a slump, you went through a little. I just, I didn't know how to write anymore. I just forgot, you know, the last two jokes that I wrote that were cool,

I wrote on stage. Yeah. And this weekend, I was just like sit down and write and it was sucked. It just sucked and I actually went on stage tonight. I did it that night and it actually worked and I was like, oh good. And the next night I pussied out because the crowd wasn't as good as the night before. I fucking pussied out. And then tonight I just opened with it. Like I brought it right in the open. I just opened with it. I kind of like, I brought it right in the open.

I'm like, fuck it. And there's something there. But writing is a tough thing, especially when you're writing from, if you're writing from experience of your life, but if you're writing topical stuff for anything, you know. Hey, Rich Foss. Oh boy.

What are you, do you have you have a tent oh it's a golf net you bought oh man my son why would you throw it and break it can you stop screaming into the air dumb dumb oh yeah he's trying to get into our microphones by the way I had stage sweat when I came up here, and now I have little spots on my shirt. That won't pick up. It won't pick up. It will, but I'm going to tell you it won't, so you'll be OK. Yeah, as well.

No, we'll AI it out. Yeah, we'll use AI. Yeah, you have total AI. Oh, wow. Oh, did you forget your wallet? No, he gave me a Gucci wallet to go with my Gucci sling bag. Of course he did. Rich Voss always has fancy stuff.

All right, one more time. Hey, pussy, I'll beat the shit out of you. Oh, I bet it'll be great. Will you wash your hands first? Yeah. I just wanna make sure I don't get New York City germs from your punches. That's all I wanna make sure.

You don't have it in you. I was- Is it because you know you can hurt somebody? Is it the confidence that you know you're strong, you know you have the ability, and you just don't want to do it? Or is it from where you're from? Is, because you have a persona on stage, bro.

Yeah. That's like this- Like I could never handle anybody. Yeah, like this cute little dude, but off stage, you're kind of a regular. Do you like you are now? Yeah, I'm, yeah, look at how regular I am now. So, oh, this was the story I was going into. We can tell this until Rich gets back and claims his golf net. But my dry cleaner,

I'd done a red-eye flight home and then I went to sleep. This is when I lived on the Upper East Side. And then I went to bed and it was like maybe 10 a.m. and I'd gone to bed at like 9 a.m. or something like that. So, an hour of sleep and I hear my dry cleaner just going help, help! And this is Cho and I'm like what the hell? So I open up my window, I look outside and I see Cho just getting beaten with this pipe and I remember I threw my pants on, I was all excited because I was like oh I get to fight. You know like I get to fight a guy that deserves it. Right. Yeah. Cause I don't want to fight somebody even in bar, if they're just having a bad day and they're cocking off to me,

they don't deserve to get hurt. But you're cocking off to you? Yeah, cocking off to me. Like being, I don't know, being a cock. I don't want to cock, sure. Yeah, being a cock. Yeah, being a cock. Yeah, being a cock.

They do that to Norton. Yeah. Oh yeah. By the way, I met his wife, she's a delight. Yeah, she's beautiful. But anyway, so I ran down the stairs and then I'm running outside and there was this like giant fitness instructor guy

that he did those like videos and he's like running out of his place but he was like a few steps behind where I was at and we were both looking at each other like, oh dude, like which one of us is gonna knock this guy out? Wait, wait, start, who are you running from? So my dry cleaner, I came up from a red-eye flight and he was getting beaten by a crack head

with a pipe that was trying to rob his store. Not a crack pipe. Not a crack pipe. No, that would be very brittle. This is like a metal pipe with the threading on it. Hang on a second. Please don't, you're acting, don't act enthralled. Just look at him. Stopped. Don't. It's a great story. It is a good. I mean, you were a dry cleaner, crack. I'm a pipe. Are you kidding me? Is this supposed to be a one on one?

Because I'll leave. I don't want to interrupt. You're in now. You're already. You're in now. Like a fucking, you know, like a Ron Bennington unmasked or something. It's not a mess. It's just the show you're in now. OK, so he's beaten a dry cleaner with a pipe. He's beaten him and and there's blood and all this stuff, but because I used to be a martial artist,

like my controlling thought was like, oh, I get to fight. Like I was so excited because he. Yeah, cause he never fights. He doesn't want to fight. Even in a situation where a guy maybe should get a beaten, he doesn't want to, he just kind of de-escalates the thing. But now he saw his dry cleaner guy getting beaten up by a guy with a pipe.

So I get to, I have to do this now. He's excited that he gets to use all his- All my skills. And so I'm running out and I see this other guy that also wants to knock the guy out. And we're making eye contact, but I know that I'm like three steps away from it. And I just punch the guy in the face, I knock him out.

And I literally, I grab his jacket before he hits the ground cause that's the worst thing I could have. They hit their head. They hit their head and then there's like a lawsuit. They look like Bobby or something. Yeah. Yeah. What does that mean?

Good looking. What, what, what, what does that mean? I don't know. But he laughed. I hope you fall and Bonnie's not home and you can't get up. Hope she's not home. I'm so glad Rich is here because you've been being so nice to me but you get to be really mean to him

You can be mean to me too, but like I feel like you two have a good relationship I don't want to be mean to you. I like you but yeah But then we we sat on so the crackhead was knocked out and he was like twitching and then me and the big fitness guy We like sat down on him and because we're like when he wakes up You know and we're like somebody called the police and these traffic cops are walking up. Was the guy like all bloody really fucked up to clean dry cleaner? My dry cleaner was and the cops came

and they wanted to arrest the dry cleaner because anybody that's in a street fight. So like, but they just arrest both parties because they have to because they have to. And I was like, no, no, no, he was being robbed. And then the other cop goes, oh yeah, I know this guy. He didn't have his medicine. Like he does this, like he robs people, you know, whatever.

And so- And that means he's on the streets. Yeah. We know this criminal. Yeah, we know this criminal. So the real cops show up, because the traffic cops are there, but they're not allowed to do anything.

So we sit on this guy and he's like twitching. And like he gets a, like he's finally like awake and he's twitching. We're trying to keep him down. The real cops show up and they go like, whoo, right in the middle of the road. Like, you know how they park one second what do they do they go pretty good pretty good pretty good pretty good how do they do it one more time woo I mean I want to add a real one right there I want to add a I want to add a real one to see

how real it is this this when you think you can't get Michael Winslow relatives this this when you think you can't get Michael Winslow so they they pull into the middle of the street well this is on 60 second between second and first place in New York yeah it's in it's in the entrance to the FDR and right where the 59th Street Bridge comes down right so they block traffic there's people honking at them like hey assholes nice drive and you know all that kind of stuff so then they put the criminal in the car then they lock the car well this was back this is probably in like I don't know like 2012 or whatever so they locked the keys into the squad car so then now I'm just sitting on the curb with the cops waiting for

their supervisor to come with the keys and then he comes in he's like you fuck you idiots like so they locked the keys in with the keys. And then he comes and he's like, you fucking, you idiots. Like, so they locked the keys in with the perp. You don't have any stories from 27, 17 and above. I mean, 2012, that's a good story. In 2014, but in 2024, our 12 year old story, we're trying to keep this fucking relevant. Yeah, you're like, do you have any more stories?

Anything going on with you? From when Twitter was new? Pete, I am so sorry. I fucked up. Listen, Pete, I have all these beautiful questions I was gonna ask you. Oh, look at, I mean, but it is gonna point. I mean, what the fuck?

Thank you. Woo! Woo! Just make sound effects, Pete. It sounds good. This is a make-up. This is a make-up made to story. Yeah, they really do.

Was your dry cleaner Asian or something? He was Asian and he gave me karate. No, he did not, but he gave me like 110% discount one time for saving his life. That was it. Wait, but what were you like in martial arts? Like what style? This is the thing I learned about him

and I'll explain to you is that he did triathlons. He's a black belt in Taekwondo. That's what I took. Yeah, but he, yeah, but you took it back in the day. He from a show him that picture. What do you took Taekwondo? You weren't a black belt. I was a fucking purple belt, which is brown.

What? Wait, what? Are you old? What the fuck? It's a red belt. I said, you're not a black belt. He He said I was a purple belt, which is brown Well, in some classes to use purple or red or brown. I was like when he said that I was like, oh, no, it's happening I don't remember it was so many fucking years ago

Rich's he actually was in a class of Bruce Lee No, Pete Lee Fucking years ago, but Rich is finally. He actually was in a class at Bruce Lee. No. Pete Lee. Yeah. Are you related to Bruce? Can you not? No. The worst thing in the world anybody can ever do

in 2024 is watch an old guy scroll through photos on his phone. Look at it, you got me close at me in this tournament. Whoa, that's you? Let me see, let me see. Wait, you're in the black? Yeah, look at that kick. Look at it, Look at look at Voss was in Cobra Kai I was fucking sure I didn't hit the guy. That's a fake thing. It's not a fake thing. It's not real. Shut up

I see you throw I you couldn't even see the the belt because it's purple, which is brown Here's that that's when I was a green belt. That's when you're a green belt. Yeah Here's the thing with this right is that It's actually pretty good. We're gonna put this up on the, We're gonna put that. That is impressive. That is pretty good. You've won tournaments and stuff.

I have, yeah. I was the three time Midwestern Black Belt champion. Get out, really? Yeah. Yeah, he's a Black Belt. You're a fucking Brown Purple Belt throwing a kick at an old lady. It was a tournament, it's not an old lady.

That was a fucking woman. That was a school teacher. Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that, I mean. You were going to make her to fight. Dude, you're fighting it like, you're fighting a World War II veteran. So you fought like tournament, Jay-D.

I fought in tournaments and stuff like that, yeah. He was a world champion, right? Not a world champion, I was a, I was a world champion water skier. That was a- I mean, this is why this guy, like me and you, I was telling him when we used to hang out, all we did was comedy, try to get laid, sleep, smoke,

eat, pussy, comedy. That's all we did. We didn't do extra activities, what? I always worked out golf. Yeah, but this guy's, he's doing triathlons. He's a carat, a fucking taekwondo. Look what he is swan he's doing triathlons he's a carot I fucking tight window. He's doing your podcast. This is my biggest credit right now. I don't think that's you. It is me look at my you

know who I met at a show I got his autograph Bill Wallace. I wish it was the group. Oh that's pretty cool. When was that? Oh was it like 2017 in bull? Probably 15 years ago or so 10 years ago. What was that? Was I go was a 2017 or see even then I just want to shit on myself because I was this is the problem is seen. Can I say this? This is the problem with Pete. He's too nice. He's a good guy. We got to always been a good guy. Wait, can I ask this in the the taekwondo tournament that you were in?

Were there lights on your side of the place? Yeah, we've fighting by the Tiki torches First of all, that's that picture is from were you fighting on the island that Bruce Lee went to that pictures over 40 years old Yeah, we know we're looking at your face right now and we're looking at that face We understand how old is your fuck by By the way, in that camera, you're kind of looking at the camera while you're taking that guy. I don't know where the camera, yeah. You didn't hit the guy.

You're like, first of all, it was non-contacted ahead. It's full contact to the body in those tournaments. And I don't kick around. You look like you're dancing. That's a fucking look at my tail. You look like you're throwing a fucking rocket tear kick. Or what a fucking, yep. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. He's the douche too. They got the blackie. Everybody else got white keys. Yeah, I'm getting blackie. He's Cobra Kai. I don't know why our school had blackies.

Because you're the bad guys. You're pieces of shit. We did. We fucking trained after Y. Sometimes our teacher would take a belt and tie like around your neck and jerk you off. Oh yeah, so you had to be connected? I could fight each other from this distance.

Yeah. Or he would say you fight those three guys. Oh yeah, we had to do group fighting all the time in Taekwondo and it was funny because I had friends that they were like, well, what if you get jumped by a bunch of guys? I'm like, that's how we trained. Like we always trained against a bunch of guys. Yeah. They're like, well, what if you get jumped by a bunch of guys? I'm like, that's how we trained. Like we always trained against a bunch of guys.

Yeah. They're like, well, when you're in the studio, how would it go? I'm like, sometimes you get your ass kicked. Like I would go, I would go to school like with black eyes and, you know, the, you went to school with black guys with black guys. Yeah. Actually, I went in Jamesville, Wisconsin. Is that why you learned Taekwondo because you went to school with black guys?

I remember what they did. Hey now. Hey now. Hey now. The exercise where you lay on your back and you lift your legs for your abs. Yeah. Well, we would do that. Lay on our back and you know, you go back and forth with a scissor up and down. You scissored.

And then our instructor would walk on our stomach and right when he stepped on me, I blew the loudest fart in class. I was killing back then. I'm so glad I didn't know you fucking Taekwondo blacky boss. Oh, yeah. What a dick you were back then. Oh, no, and then I started smoking crack and I forgot about fucking. Yeah, you forgot about that? No.

But I guess crack would make you forget about that. But Pete, let me say this. Yeah, I want to help you. Let's get to some bullet points. I want to help you become Let's get to some bullet points. I want to help you. Please become a little meaner. Please. I think you need because I think he needs it in life to protect himself. He's in a situation. Fuck. Watch this. Watch this. Ready? Watch this. Yeah. Hey, you fucking shithead. Go fuck yourself. Oh, you want to suck this dick?

See, watch this. Hey, you're not funny. You fucking Jew. Go fuck yourself and your mother. See, that's great. I you're not funny, you fucking Jew. Go fuck yourself and your mother. See? I mean, that's great. I thought I'd throw you off with the dick suck offer. Yeah, but he had an accent ticing there. Yeah, he was like, oh yeah, I'll do that. You would actually call my bluff and make me uncomfortable.

Yeah, guys, I'm just sucking it really good. Okay, when? I want you to do this. Okay. Rich Voss, you're a sleazy club owner, which you know a lot. You know how to do that. That's every club owner, except Rory and Mark. And the guys from Sideslutters.

And the people from, I mean... I'm only going with the guys that lose me. Cory, not Rory. I say Cory. You went Rory. I didn't say Rory. You're gonna have to play it back, because one of us is wrong. Okay, what does matter? Cory. I say Corey, I say Corey. I say Corey. You went Rory. I didn't say Rory. Are you gonna have to play it back? Cause one of us is wrong.

Okay, what does matter, Corey. So you did it, you said Rory. I didn't say Rory. I said from Rhode Island. You're an idiot, you never said Rhode Island. I did say Rhode Island. I try, nobody fucking likes you. Nobody likes you, but you lie.

You just make shit up, you're at that stage of life. You guys, I love visiting my parents like this. All right. He's a sleazy club owner. He owes you money. You're trying to get your money. Okay. All right, ready?

Go ahead. Hey, Rory Corey. Rory Corison. Can I, will you please pay me my money? I'll fucking vend my way, scram. You did horrible numbers. I know. Wait, I'm just taking them myself.

But to quote my friend Rich Voss, this ain't a hobby pal. I said this to someone. We did, you and I did a shitty gig out in New Jersey like a decade ago. And the guy was like, yeah, yeah, I'll send you guys, I'll send you the check and you go, this ain't a hobby pal.

I loved it so much. Yeah, but I want you to be able to say that. All right, great. Staying character. All right. Staying character. Stop. Listen. Stop trying to be rich. Be meaner. Go. Look, you weren't that fucking good. The numbers were bad. All right. Call me tomorrow. Look, the numbers were bad, but that's not part of the deal. You still have to give me the money. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, all right? He doesn't even want to be mean to me because he's a pussy. Yeah, I'm a pussy with your money.

You can see I can't even do that. You have a mean cartoon face. I know. Which that was like anytime that I would fight, I would have pretty much this look on my face, which is way scarier. Let me see. Like just be like, hey, like we're fighting.

Yeah, like the other person's bloody and I'm just like happy. You can get street fights. I've gotten into a couple street fights. I mean, the pipe thing. And then I got into one in college. I won't go into it, but it went to campus arbitration. Like they had a campus police force.

Really? Yeah. Why did it go to there? I broke the guy's couple bones. Where? And the ribs are on the face? Yeah, it was ribs, this is wrist. Why?

What did you deserve it? He was, so I was lab partners with his girlfriend and I ran into her at Buffalo Wild Wings. And the guy didn't like that I was like, hey I buy you a beer and then he thought that I was like hitting on his girl which I was there at the time when he was there yeah he was there and yeah and I guess in hindsight like I probably wouldn't like it if somebody bought my girl you should say can I buy you to a beer yeah I should have but I didn't even see him there and then he he started shoving me against

the wall and then I took his wrist and I broke it. Well, first I told him, I go, let's go outside. And then I was like, all right, maybe I can get to a better position. So I'm not against the wall. And then he was shoving me against the wall and I got mad. And then I snapped his wrist. How do you, don't do it, but just show me.

Do it, snap it, snap it. What's wrong with you? You're my friend. Yeah, but it's okay. Why would you fucking, what if he instinctually just did it by accident? Come on, good fucking podcasting. Yeah.

You gotta go with the numbers. Well, I knew. I gotta do it, do it, do it. I need numbers. Do it, do it. I need to be Shane Gillis and Joe Rogan. Snap it! No!

Well, you can feel, like, there's like some play with the cartilage. Yeah. And like, literally, I don't know, it'd probably be like this much further and you could crack. It breaks. Oh! Yeah.

It's not good. But like, you can also manipulate somebody and kind of get them to do, like, like if you're trying to deescalate a fight, that's one of the best moves. So that's what I should have tried. Yeah, but you're not gonna get you to do anything I want. Yeah.

Yeah, but you're not gonna do anything. Like, just like that. Like that. That's not a Thai Kwan Doh, you took something else. Um, that's hop Keto. Yeah, so I took up keto as well guys listen There's a problem with this guy. He's the nicest. He's sesame street And he'll murder you and fuck your wife's skull if he wanted to that's terrifying and just take your kid I just take your kid. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. What's wrong with you? Ha ha ha. But that's not- I would get there and Bonnie would be like, Pete, you're not gonna fuck my skull. Ha ha ha.

Again. He'd be like, you're all right. I just think it's terrifying, I mean, to know that, you know, you, you, this, especially your character on stage is this kind of dim-witted, jovial. I'm a sweet guy. Yeah. I, I am. I don't, um. Where did this, cause you weren't doing that

when I met you. Yeah. This, this almost like, um, I would say character of, of yourself. Yeah. Well, you just enhanced it. Where did that come out? It came out cause the guys at governor started hiring me to come out there.

I came out to open for Joey Ravioli or something like that. Oh, I love that. Yeah, Joey Ravioli. And then. I love his Ravioli. I bombed so hard. And then they were like, when can we get you back? And I was like, why would you want me back?

I bombed so hard. And they're like, dude, we believe in you. Come back. Who? You mean Jimmy, the new owner? So it was, is Jimmy the James, like, yeah, James. Yeah.

Yeah. So, um, so fucking great. It was like Mark and, and, um, like, like Mark, the manager there. Oh yeah. At your time in Truson, John, John Truson and those guys, they'd be like, you, we got to have you back. And I found out that they never booked me. Really?

James is the one that booked me. Oh, well, I know the guy who wanted before who's the guy who brokeage the first? Oh, Nick. Yeah, Nick was a dick. Yes, Nick. I remember I showed up and he's like, you know, you got to like 10 minutes before the show, he goes, you know, you got to work clean here. Yeah. And I went, No, it's in my contract. I said, You don't care how much to do. But I appreciate you. I'll just leave right now. If you need me to I'll just take off and he was like,

what? I go, I'm doing what I do. but I appreciate it. I'll just leave right now if you need me to, I'll just take off. And he was like, what? I go, I'm doing what I do, whatever bad experience you had. I'm sorry, but I'm funny. And I'm doing, you know, telling me what to do. And he was like, all right, well, all right, you can do your stuff, you know, just do, you know, I had a thing. I was like, that's cool, but you didn't have it with me.

So, and I went up and killed and he was fine. And then I, the next time I went back with James. Yeah, he's the best man James James and his wife and his kids they're the best I mean he's terrifying he's like Bobby come here for a second my god fuck what I do he brings you the room is yeah I have one of these guys he's like thank you guys you know everybody's the best yeah nice guy and he wears suits and he looks like he gets manicurist to like hide the evidence like he's class act he's a class gets manicured to like hide the evidence.

Class act. He's a class act, he's just one of the... He gives you the numbers on, he gives you a piece of paper with the numbers in pencil. Here you go, I give that back. I know. Yeah. Gotta burn it. He's such a cool, but those guys would have me come back

and it was like three times that I went back there and every single time I'd be dry, or I'd be riding the Long Island railroad back going, God, I hate this place, I do so bad. Why do they have me back? So it was the third time that I was back there. I was like, why do you guys keep having me back there? Like, because it's fun to watch you struggle. They're like, we know that you do well in the city, but like out here, you just you suck.

And then I think it was the fourth fourth time I was back there. I just was like, all right, well, if none of my material works, then maybe I should just talk about like why I think they hate me. And so I was like, hey, you know, like, I'm really nice. And I go, I walked down the street in New York, and I was like, hi, and people are like, no, you know, and the crowd loved it. And I was like, wait, what? Like, so they're seeing that my kindness is stupid. And so I'm going to go with that. So like, all like, one of the toughest rooms in the world that governors like actually helped me define my point of view. And I remember one time I was like,

I hate conflict unless you guys like it. And then I love it. And then that was in my original Tonight Show set. And so yeah, that was kind of where I like this, like, oh, I'm a fish out of water kind of a thing in this environment. That's where I built that. Well, it's fine because you're like, look at the Tonight,

I love Jimmy. And I do, I love Jimmy. He's the greatest. He's such a great guy. Oh, he's so nice to us. He's the best. And he put, and he, look at me on the other one, Steve, what's his name?

Colbert doesn't fucking put, he hates comics. Oh, he does? Yeah, he doesn't. The late show was, the Tonight Show and the Late Show, were two comic milestones to get to. Either one of them are both, right? Yeah, Carson. And then, you know, and he fucking killed it. He hates them.

But Jimmy kept it alive. Jimmy loves stand-ups. He still has stand-ups. Yeah, he still respects them. And look, I did it. And, did it, but there's certain guys that it works for. You know what I mean? I couldn't do it.

I get to, like when I did Kimmel, I would, first of all, it was set up on the audience's dare, you're here, it was all here. Kimmel's not good to do. It was weird. And then they come down right before I'm like saying, go, oh, you can't do this one joke. I go you right before you're telling me But anyhow, I'd be too nervous to do like like Bonnie loves doing that kind of TV

You know Fallon and she did three letterman's I'd be so fucking nervous before I went out. Yeah that crowd You know nervous. Here's the thing when you do it. I did it one time You just got to go do your thing. Yeah. And then I got fucked up. Here's why I got fucked up. Cause everyone up there was giving me a standing ovation as they came out. When he introduced me, they stood up and I was like,

what are you doing? It just, it fucks up your timing cause you work in the set so much. You know when they're going to laugh. You know where they potentially might stand up. Blah, blah, blah. But here's what you did on it. That really nobody's done. He's got a standing ovation on the Tonight Show. Oh yeah I

think the only stand-up ovation other than mine was Ryan Hamilton got a statement. He's so funny too though. He's so fucking funny. But you both remind me of Gainus. And that's what the audience loves here. They love that. I mean, I'm doing the Tonight Show again. Ah. Hang on one second, I'm not done. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. What's wrong? It was like a build up Bing Bang boom. It was such a good moment and you fucking smashed it and stepped on it and shit on it. You're so funny, Ryan.

How fucking good is he? Ryan, he's so great. You know his material, we're getting hit by a bus. Man, he got hit by a bus. I remember, I just saw him. That was his God. Yeah, it was his God hitting him by a bus because he's in the city doing the devil's work.

Fucking Mormon. Go back to Utah, you asshole. You should be fucking churning butter somewhere. She'd have nine wives in a fucking... So he has nobody living in a fucking nice apartment in Upper West Side making tons of cash. Oh, really? Hanging out with the generates. He should be wearing like Jesus jams.

Yeah, he's saying hi to me and you. God was like, you're dead. Hit him with a bus and it still didn't work. You should be more committed to Zion. You should be more like Jesus jams. Yeah, he's saying hi to me and you. God was like, you're dead. You're dead. Hit him with a bus and it still didn't work. You should be more committed to Zion. Let me get a tissue real quick.

Oh, wait. Zion just means godliness, right? Is that what that means? Not to the Palestinians. Oh. Yeah, I don't know. I just saw an IDF soldier speak. Oh, really?

Holy fuck, man. Crazy shit. Where like in Washington Square Park? No, I just saw him. He gave a lecture. Oh, he gave a lecture. Is that why you're wearing the Well, I mean, you're wearing that because yeah, I wear this a lot. Anyhow, I yeah, I it was it's amazing the propaganda that Amos is putting it's just amazing. Here's the problem with you saying propaganda. What? It infuriates me.

Oh, so? Two headliners are talking. So, excuse me. Yeah, I want me and it's Pete. Yeah. Oh, I'm rubbing your glue, come back, you stink. I'm rubbing your cum. Yeah.

Okay. You're stupid. You smell. You're fucking horrible, burl, ives, goatee. What, you have the same goatee, you fucking stupid, burl. You smell. You're fucking horrible, burl, Ives, goatee. You have the same goatee, you fucking stupid old asshole. Fucking the burl, Ives. You have the same one. Like fucking a snowman.

I hate you in your little shoulders. I hate you in your no shoulders. I hate your rings. I hope they fucking get stolen. I hope they cut them off your fingers. Oh, god, I hate you. And you try to use your taekwondo and your leg and you snap your Achilles. I hope three guys hold you

that and jerk off on your bald head. I hope you wake up on the Gaza Strip. Oh, hopefully I can fucking sell tickets. I'm trying to chime in. I'm like, Rich, I hope you still feel small while you stand beside the ocean. I hope you dance. Like Rich, I hope you still feel small while you stand beside the ocean. I hope you dance. Oh, he doesn't got it. Oh.

I did it wrong. I did it wrong. By the way, I feel like my internet clip from this episode is just gonna be me looking at you two laughing. It's just gonna be eight. Eight Fallon's. We are doing it again this week? Yeah, I'm doing it again this week.

Yeah. And what's his name? Books hit? Michael Cox. Michael Cox, who's a great guy too. Man, just, I mean, I, if any comments. I don't say anything. I don't say anything.

I don't know. What was that? Something in my throat. Yeah, it's called fucking envy and jealousy. No, not at all. Every time I met him, he was a nice guy. He's a great guy, but he works with the comics and stuff like that.

My point is though, is that, you know, when I did it, there's a certain way to do that show. And you have to be really, no, but you have to, they're up there, you kind of gotta deliver it, you know what I mean? And you gotta, you know, you gotta know that timing of that type of thing. And here's the thing, it does, it doesn't do what it used to do.

But for you, it did. Which is, which is fucking, dude, that's really uncanny because you can do the Tonight Show a lot and it does nothing. For you, it did. Yeah, I had like a 1983 Tonight Show experience. My career was kind of in the toilet. I was with this agency called Stewart Talent here in town.

Oh, Stewart. Yeah, they dropped me. They dropped me two weeks and then Phalan saw me at the stand and then they invited me on the Tonight Show and then I got the standing ovation and that went viral and then all of a sudden I got the... Your first time on? Yeah, the first time on it went viral which like... Amazing. Yeah, like the job...

I mean, it's such a great show. I hate the way you say viral. Viral, yeah. Don't say it again. Viral. No, go ahead. Yeah. Voss is a very viral man.

I'm complimenting you. Oh, thank you. But no, and then the second time I went on it happened again where the clip went viral. All right, wrap it up. What do you mean by viral? It's funny if this episode ends by him kicking the shit out of both of us. Oh, whatever that was. And just breaking our wrists.

Oh. 10 million views? Yeah, Nikki Glaser and I, we have a pack that we don't read the comments online. And she, I remember I was in Omaha, Nebraska. I had like gone and done the Tonight Show flown there to do the weekend. And I woke up on a Saturday and she's like,

hey, she's like, go online, read the comments. And I was like, no, we have an agreement. I'm not reading, I'm like, you're not gonna, like our relationship is kind of like yours where we fuck with each other a little bit. And I was like, I'm not reading the comments. And she you're not gonna like our relationship is kind of like yours where we fuck with each other a little bit And I was like, I'm not reading the comments and she's like trust me read them and they were they were like the most sincere sweet things Oh, that's great. I like mine It was shut up stupid. Yeah, it's a standing up and leaving doesn't count doesn't count. Wait, now how many times has he come out and watched your set for this week, for your eighth?

Michael? I saw him downstairs and then he, so he, I've seen him this week but he hasn't watched the set so tomorrow he's going to come watch the set. But I texted Liz today and I said, hey, I changed something major in the beginning of my set. I added a joke and then I shuffled kind of the middle around this joke. And so I was like, can I have extra sets tonight to run it? And then she texts Michael and I was like, Pete changed his set and so.

Snitch. Yeah. Oh, she's a rat. What a little fucking Italian little rat. She's a rat. And then Michael fucking Italian little rat. She's a rat But and then Michael texts me and goes hey Liz says you changed your set He's like where you gonna tell me and then I didn't even see his text when I ran into him And he's like you changed the set and I'm like trust me. It's gonna it's gonna be fine

I'm like it's good. It's going way better and I'll hammer it out And if not, we'll just change it back tomorrow, but he trusts me at this can he yeah, of course You've done it eight times and you've never bombed. Well, you never bomb. Can you say to him, or not say, can you ask, go, can I just come on as a guest without doing a set? Like sit down with have you sat down? I've sat down. But I've never I haven't panelled or whatever they call that. Do you want me to call? They have made me a call. I want you to panel. I want you to panel.

Will you message the guy that spoke for the IDF and have him reach out to the people at NBC? Unbelievable speaker. I bet he was. You know that I was the first guy to, when I did it, I didn't use a cordless mic. Or used a cord? I said, I need a cord. I like that.

And the old guy came out, I was coming to him and he goes, you know, I haven't done this in 16 years. For real? Yeah. And I go, I old guy came out, I was coming to him and he goes, you know, I haven't, I haven't done this in 16 years. For real? Yeah. And I go, I'm sorry, dude, I need a chord. Because when I did Carson Daly, I'm so used to playing the clubs that I do this when I, when a joke and if something's going bad, I usually just, you know, so I'm on Carson Daly going like this with a cordless microphone. I'm just going like this. And then when I came off my agent was like, what the fuck is this? And I go, this is my nervous tick. So if I was gonna bomb on the tonight show, I didn't want to fucking just be going like this.

Are you playing a tambourine? Are you blowing something? I was bombing on Keenan. So I'm doing, remember when Keenan had a show? Yeah. So they bring me in like a tuneonie. I already have anxiety in life Bad anxiety that okay. They bring me in at like two o'clock. Hang on one second. I'm the host. Look at me What's that? I'm the host look at me, too

So I'm going in I think I'm doing this set like anyhow I'm there like four hours early just sitting in a dress room Fucking anxiety attack anxiety attack. Oh, yeah. Right. So now they're getting ready to bring me on. I'm fucking ready to explode. I'm behind the curtain, you know, what are going to introduce me. And then there's some kind of fucking technical I'm standing there for 45 minutes behind the curtain. Oh, that's the worst. I'm fucking ready to explode. So my intro because this is an

urban order was the first white guy on Def Jam. That was my intro. That's a great. That's a great credit. Yeah, that show. Yeah. But hold on. So he introduces me. Our next actress on Def Jam. So they didn't say white. So they're expecting like ducky ducky or whatever. So I walk out. And it's not going well. And I went to plan B. I said to you, I go, I didn't say fuck you. I go, look, you got here for free. You want to see fucking

Martin Lawrence spend 100 bucks for free. You get me. I just went to play and I just started doing whatever I wanted. Oh my God. And they came up to me after that was great. You know, so you went off script and they were cool with it. I had no choice. He was bombing. I was fucking eating it. I was, oh, please find that. I'd love to see you. I want to see that. Well, no, but I think I want them back though. Have you ever bombed on TV? Um, uh, let me think. I did comedy.tv, you know, Byron Allen. And they were a paid audience and they had been there all day. It was like hot in the room.

And then they, but they sweetened the laughter and like Byron Allen paid us like a dollar to do that. So that's been the most aired thing that I've ever, people will be like, I saw you on comedy.tv. They run it all the time. They run it all the time and they sweeten the laughs and it's like, we're gonna sweeten. He is a billionaire. But what's her name? He is one of the richest guys in Hollywood.

Yes, he bought the weather channel. Yeah. He's one of the richest and it's from us. Yeah. And from that interview show. Well, he also had infomercials and he would buy these. We signed our fucking lives away. What's her name?

Well, we did money though. Bernie Nepali. She went after a lawsuit, a class act suit, and every now and you get a check. I don't get anything. I don't think she liked it. I just got another check. I got another check too.

Yeah. From what? She sued them for basically paying us non-union wages for union stuff. And you got to look into it because the first check I got was significant. And then now I get like little checks for little... I mean, dude, that... I mean, I was on that stupid comic view two times and they play that shit all the time.

Comic view? Comic view. Yeah, I did that like four fucking times. And you're doing your... You don't get money from that. You're doing you know get when you're at yeah You know what I mean? That's cable. They you signed out of way on comic view. I remember that have you bombed on TV I bombed on Carson daily twice They had you back there like

Did everybody bomb? Well Carson daily Carson daily nobody was doing it and it was after Tonight Show, and it was a tough gig, and there was no opener. And they were there to see, you know, he was an MTV guy, so they were there to see whatever fucking weird band he was having on, you know, the Moonlight Johnny's, you know? And he would do this long form interview with an actor for like 40 minutes of this. And then they'd bring you out and there was no

warm-up there was no comedy warm-up there was nothing he was just guys comic Robert Kelly and they're like what and you're up there in front of these kids waiting for the fucking dark side of the moon punk band to come out and you're like hey what's going on you fuck it is bae or nothing I I bombed in front of them and then I bombed in front of, yeah that's already, don't bring it up, take it off. It's something that's already been played, he's fucking, it's something that we did

on the bonfire this weekend. That's me bombing, but I didn't really bomb on that. That was outside, I didn't do good, but it was outside and they didn't, that was the brewery thing in the summer, at the beach. Was that the pandemic thing? Oh that fucking, that bullshit that bullshit. Yeah, but that was that's I don't Most comics bomb. Yeah, that's outside at the beach and it was a hundred and ten. I don't count that I mean, it's funny to watch me fucking eat it, but I

Legitimately bomb trying on TV. You're trying to three times. I. Kimmel, I remember I, you know, I remember I was with the Steinbergs. What's that? What's wrong? What's wrong? What? No, what? Nothing.

What happened? It's my chair, Stu. Did you fart? No, my chair made it. Just did you fart? No, I wouldn't, I tell you if I farted. Swear on your daughter's life that you didn't fart. I farted like a maniac.

Okay. I mean, only way to get waiting to tell the truth, daughters. That's disgusting. I've been fighting the whole time too, but they're silent ones. I'm allergic to pee. I haven't farted in here yet. I did, oh was it, so I had,

Steinberg's were my management, I don't know if you know these. I remember them. Okay, so I went to them, I go, listen, you guys aren't doing shit for me. You have a month to get me Kimmel. I met Kimmel at the thing, blah, blah. You have a month to get me on Kimmel stand up and I'm leaving a month to that day. I said, meet me at Starbucks. And I went down and

he was like, come on, man, I go, you're out with done. And I just fired him. And then I called Dan, I go, I need Kimmel. He goes, I'll call tax him. He goes, Yeah, we'll have him on this week. That easy. That fucking easy. I was on two weeks later, I was on Kimmel. And I fucking took a hot one. I mean, it was not it was not it was fine. But it wasn't good. And then Kimmel kind of I was like, Yeah, being Atlanta, he goes, well, we're not syndicated Atlanta. But you know, good luck with that. Like the show's not

there's not music. Well, you could have told me that. I'll tell you who funny. So I bombed. I bombed on it. Well, first of all, it's funny how Dan called and you got it. We like we did a half an hour special already for county central. Yeah, don't have a meeting. So I'm a TV show in the meeting ago, I want to do another special. They go, okay, that's how easy it was. That's how easy it was. That's how easy it was.

Yeah, once they like it or you're... Once you like it. So I did the Apollo and I fucking killed, killed, right? I believe it. And then they call me and go come back. They go, do you want it? They go, we want you back three weeks later. And I'm like, what?

And like a dummy said, yes. Well, I did a bit about, you know, people live in their past. I go let it go, you know. And I go, you know, Japanese, we dropped a bomb on you, whatever, then black people, we were brought up here on boat slit. I go let it go, you know what a cruise from Africa cost? Right, whatever, then black people, we were brought up, we were brought up here on Boat Slit. I go, let it go. You know what a cruise from Africa cost? Right, whatever. I was

doing right. Jews, my own. He's wearing a shirt that says never again. So. Yeah, but not only for his people. So, so I'm fucking, I'm eating. What is the black saying? So I'm eating it. And some girls, you know,. I go, I go, he didn't say that stock line when my balls were smacking you in the chair. Right. And the crowd went wild and he says, I'm going, you gotta let this white boy talk to me that way. Oh, damn. And then they turned.

Yeah. Well, they already didn't like me. And then I did whatever. Yeah. And I just did whatever. Yeah. And I just, I knew they weren't gonna air it, so I just went out. Oh, wow. Sam Wood Martin Lawrence when I did that show.

So you, wait, so you have the, you actually have like, cause that's like a golden experience, it's like a big experience in comedy getting booed off at the Apollo. Well that's if you're a mic or something. Stop one second, it's a terrible experience. Oh, no. What you did getting a standing ovation, much better experience. That fucking put his career back for six years. No, it didn't. No, nobody remembers you.

Yeah, man. Yeah, that that white guy got booed. No, no, no, because they didn't air it. Tell me. Listen, they aired. They aired Keith when he got. Oh. Oh, Keith getting booed was great. What if that would have gone great? Like, do you think that would have changed the trajectory of your career? No, because I did one three weeks earlier, that went great. I killed. It didn't change anything. Oh, I did Def Clam before that.

Mm-hmm. I was the first white guy in Def Clam. Yeah. Killed. What did I would call clubs and go, I was on Def Clam, they go, we don't use Def Clam acts, it hurt me. They thought I was like some fucking Def Jam. It made you unbookable.

Unbookable. You did the voice for Bear Grylls? No, that's on like some Wikipedia thing. So I am an editor and I am like an audio editor, but I didn't do that show, but I get asked that on almost every show. You're an audio editor, but I didn't do I didn't do that show but I get asked that on almost every show You you you you're an audio editor. Yeah, like but I just learned like I'm self-taught and okay Like I I mean every every day I edit stand-up clips and like I've edited, you know short films and stuff

Are you still doing clubs or theaters? I do clubs and then a few theaters. Are you living in LA? No, I'm actually living in Phoenix now. You're married, right? I'm married, yeah. I married a lady that lives in Phoenix and she had a house there and then we bought another house and then I was like,

Yeah, you can't live in someone else's house. No, you can't, you gotta get your own house. You gotta get your own. And I got rid of my LA place about a month ago. I was all sad, but one of my neighbors, he was like, dude, you can just stay at my place whenever you wanna come back here. So I stormed my surfboards there. I lived like you're a surfer to I'm a surfer

This guy does everything. He's the fucking whole Yeah, but he's a package you sound editor. He's And you acted you you almost got a big role in a TV show too, right? Yeah I almost was Ted on how I met your mother That was why I moved to New York because I I was here doing Comedy Central's premium blend and they were trying to recast the Ted character, because the focus groups were saying that he was like the least funny of the people or of the characters. So they wanted a comedian and then they ended up going with Josh Radnor, the guy that they already had. Right. They just like were looking at other guys. But yeah, I had like four auditions, I think for it.

And then Wow. So glad you I did. Yeah, that didn't work out. I mean, I actually I went into, like you guys are Rick Dorfman, right? Yes, you used to be my manager. We were managed by him at the same time. Oh, he used to be everybody's man. Greg Geraldo.

Yeah, I love Rick. I still text him on his birthday. Love that guy. But he was like, he's like, hey, we need you to go in and do an audition at CBS. And it's for the lady that really liked you for the other thing. And I'm like, okay, cool.

But I'm like, Rick, I'm really sick. Is there any way that like you just give me a couple days? I don't know if this is like time sensitive. He's like, no, you gotta go do it tomorrow. And there was some lady that worked there. I think her name was like Amy something. You know, she's one of the big casting directors. Well, she called up Rick and she goes,

she goes, yeah, there's something wrong with his voice. You need to have him take voice lessons. And I was like, Rick, I'd say, I do, I didn't even have a voice. And then she like wouldn't see me again. So I like was like blackballed from CBS. Because I had like laryngitis Jesus Christ But yeah, so I don't know

I thought that I was gonna move to New York and have like big acting things happen and then have you ever take acting lessons Yeah, yeah, I studied it the the AMAW the Anthony Mindles act actor workshop here for I Sam Morell and I took acting lessons. Sam Morell can act. He can act, he's actually real. Well, he's got such a- He's acting like you're comic.

Yeah. He acts like a friend. Yeah. But yeah, Sam and I were in the same acting class for like a year. Oh, shit. Right, yeah. But I'm not, like, you're a really good actor.

I've seen, like, you and Louie and stuff. Like, you guys are great. Not you guys. Just keep it over here. Okay, listen I was wait. I remember your Stan Highland what I'm letting the thing from ONA the Louie beans Cash Palamette, whatever palamette Mary. Yeah, this is a fucking name One of the greatest actors of our generation and one of the greatest movies ever nice one of the greatest fucking one man shows ever

So I'm supposed to know every name you did a fucking podcast with him a week ago There was a while ago, but he has a nice house. Hi, and he's a good guy. He's a great guy. What's his name? Chaz Chaz what palman Terry? Yeah, Palman. Palman Terry. That's not a it's not it. If it's not palman Terry It's Chaz. Yes. I said that what? Pal not it. What is it if it's not palimentary? It's jazz. Yes, I said that. What? Palimentary. Yeah. What is it?

It's palimentary. Yeah, I was like, that's what it is. Yeah. It's not it. Did you want to say it a million different ways? Yes, I want it because he'll keep going. He'll keep trying to change it. Jazz, pause and zary.

Jazz, palimentary. What is it? I'm not talking to you anymore. I remember I was listening to that episode. Here's the thing with you now. It's funny because I like to, when you're trying to do something, you're doing all this shit, right?

You're living your life, you're doing your shit. And then that one, these fucking knuckleheads out there, something lit up in you and it worked. And then you bring it to the Tonight Show and it murders for you. And you get, you go viral, you get a huge fan base and now you're touring, you're living in Phoenix, you're married and you're a standup.

That's all you're doing mainly right now. And all the other stuff that you bring out is gravy, whatever comes out, right? Yeah, well that's what I like about right now is that I just am a stand-up like my agents will be like Hey, do you want to do this self tape? And I'm like not really like I don't tape like a self tape like audition where you got it Oh, you gotta read the thing against the wall and I'm like I'm like what is that even for there'll be like hey Do you want to write for the show and I'm like no I don't want to like I want to I want to do I want to go on the road. I want to film my sets with my nice camera. I want to put up internet clips. I want people to see it and

I want people to come to my shows. That's all I want to do. Right. How many is the best? How many is the best? I like acting. Yeah, well, I love being on a set. I miss being on the set of FX when we did sex and drugs. I like craft services. I love my little green room. I miss being on the set of FX when we did Sex and Drugs. I like Craft Services. I love my little green room. I love my double banger on the street. I love being in New York and being in your trailer. And then Mr. Kelly, and then you come out and you get into the, and you go into some location you never been, and you do your scene and late at night

you come home and you got to learn your line, I love all of it. See that sounds great, I just don't get. I love you. I love you too. You guys. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like the stand up. Tours and big fucking.

I love stand up, but I love going away from stand up for a little bit, doing something else and then falling in love with stand up again. You know the Bang Bang episode of Louis? Sure. Nicole and I, cause she saw that episode and when we go on the roads we'll do Bang Bang. Nicole's your wife.

Nicole's my wife. Okay. Like we'll eat pizza and then we'll go eat Chinese food and we call it a Bang Bang because of you guys. I told him that when I read the script and we were about to shoot it I go, you know this is a thing now, right? He goes, yeah, I know. Dude, are you still playing golf?

Oh yeah. Now that I'm in Scottsdale. I love that Voss has no concept of segues or anything. He's just what he wants to know. We're literally talking about acting and stuff in your career. You still play golf? Yeah, he lives in Arizona. The best courses on the planet.

Dude, you know how here you can just go to like any show and you'll end up on stage with like a really great comic like yourselves? Yeah. And in Scottsdale, you'll just go to like any show and you'll end up on a stage with like a really great comic like yourselves. Yeah. And in Scottsdale, you'll just go golfing and you'll get paired up with a random pro golfer. Yeah. And it's insane because all the pro golfers either live there or in Orlando. Or Florida. Yeah. And so I got paired up with this guy the other day that was, it was me and my buddy Kevin and then this pro golf kid. And he's like literally like like winning and playing his way on a tour and he's got this whole story. And they hit like literally like winning and playing his way onto tour and he's got this whole story.

And they hit it 300 something. They're so good to watch. They're so good to watch. And then at the end of the round, he was like, dude, can you give me a ride home? I don't have a car right now. And so I gave him a ride home because I could charge my car up by his house

because there was a charger. And that was a brag. But where do we play? You and I played together somewhere. Where the fuck were we? We were in Vegas. We were, I think I was working in the cellar Vegas or something like that. And I think you were in town.

A DMGM, probably. You were doing a, yeah, you were doing like a bigger ticket thing. Or maybe it was Jimmy Kimmel's comedy club or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a bigger ticket. It's the same ticket. It's not a bigger ticket. It's the same ticket. It's not the same ticket. It's just a different ticket in a different location.

It's a little more money, really. Not a little. Here's the thing. I went golfing with him. Me and Verzy went golfing in the Vegas. This fucking piece of shit. First of all, he's just garbage to hang out with. He's like, you guys, he's so mad at me

because I don't play. I mean, in verse he plays, but you guys go take your own cart. I'm not fucking, I'm not dealing with you guys have your own cart. So we're like, okay. So he gets on his phone and he steps on the gas to his golf cart. He's in front of us.

I have it on video. And he hits a bull cactus straight on and just smashes his fucking chest into the steering wheel. And he gets out and goes, hey, man, yes. I felt like Kenison. Dude, I chest into the steering wheel. And he gets out and he goes, hey, my chest. I felt like Kenison. Dude, I'm on the fucking ground. I fell out of my golf cart. I am, he's just buckled over.

I'm like, it made me so happy that he smashed his solar plexus into the steering wheel. Fucking idiot, doesn't know how to drive a golf cart. That made me laugh so hard that water went up my nose for my mouth. I almost drowned on land. He never played golf and had a birdie. Yeah, I find, I, I, I was fucking great.

So we go in for lunch and we're sitting this, this milfy waitress comes over and he just walks over and he goes, Hey, she goes, what can I get? He goes, take your shirt off. I'm like, dude, this is like heat of me too. Like in the depths of me too. You know what I mean?

We're all walking around like, did I do something? Did I just, she goes, what can I get you? Why don't you take your shirt off? She laughs, this fucking piece of shit. We connected me in her. Yeah, you made me laugh. So I remember I was judging roast battle with you and Yamanica at the stand

And then she was saying something it wasn't going anywhere. She goes. Sorry. She goes. I took an edible and you go Was it a meatloaf? Who's up boss is always funny You may fucking swing and miss but it'll come out with a good one. That was so funny. Oh, the roast battles were fun there. Those were so much fun. Well, I remember doing them, and then I remember when I was like,

I don't want to do them anymore. And then they were like, you can just judge them. I'm like, this is way better. You can just. I'll never do a roast battle. I remember they tried to get me to do a Comedy Central. They tried to get me to replace somebody. They. They tried to get me to replace, I don't know, somebody. They wanted me to go up against somebody in Montreal. And I was like, no,

no, I'm not fighting. First of all, it's three days away. No, and they had Ralphie May do it. And I was fat at the time too. He ate it. I think it was Tony Hinchcliffe. No, he went against fucking what's his Mike Lawrence? Mike Lawrence. And then he fucking, he embarrassed Ralph, I think that's where Ralphie died. I mean, he embarrassed him and that would have been me. That would have been fucking me. And I'm like, I'm not fucking setting myself,

I'm not a, sit at the table, you fucking dirty bearded, fucking hippie, I'll trash it, Mike. But I'm not, I'm not giving you six days to nerd out with no fucking autistic. Yeah, he's up till four in the morning. Right. Yeah, I'll fucking roast you the way you're supposed to be. Right here, right now, without any fucking setups and new and paper and pen. Fuck that. That's what Bonnie lost it on. They go to you and he goes to you and Rich one do

roast battle against another couple. So Bonnie goes who Natasha and Moshe or what's a who's the big podcast or him and his wife? Segura and his wife and the person goes nah, maybe Joe listen his wife and Bonnie goes what? Bonnie goes we'll do this. Bonnie goes how what? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and nerd it out, you give a guy like that, he's a genius. He's literally a genius and he was like, he's like, all right, how about this one for Ralphie May? He goes, your wife just left you

and I'm like, already strong start. And he goes, how does it feel to have your wife leave you but you can't get the ring off your finger? Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait, that was for... That was for Ralphie May, yeah. I was like, oh my God, Mike, this is phenomenal. But yeah. Yeah, I looked at that and I was like, oh my god, Mike, this is this is phenomenal. But yeah, yeah, yeah, it's I

Looked at that and I was like thank god. I said no. No, it's a loose lose What do you well? I mean no if you have enough time and you're you have you know, you're good at that If you're gonna sit down and in right, you know who you're going against you can you have enough time? Like a real roast it's talking to the microphone you fucking ass but roast battle is not like a real roast. Talking to the microphone, you fucking asshole. Roast battle is not like a real... I mean, it's, cause he doesn't wear headphones. He never does. And he doesn't know that we can't hear him.

Cause he doesn't know, he thinks we're on a bus. Obviously, obviously you can hear me if you said talking to the mic. So you knew I was talking. Yeah, but you're talking away from the mic. We can't hear you. Now I can hear you. I'm in the room with you, you fucking idiot. Okay, Tommy. I can hear you, but you're talking away from the mic. We can't hear you. Now I can hear you. I'm in the room with you, you fucking idiot.

Okay, Tommy. I can hear you, but you can't hear you. Like the people listening. You know what I thought? I was so bored the other day on the internet. I wish you took a gun and put one bullet and just spun it until it went off. I bought hearing aids.

No way. Yeah, I don't wear them. I just in case I need them. That's so funny. You bought hearing aids. Do you have a hearing aid bin right now? No. I'm gonna try. It's got a long You bought hearing aids. Do you have a hearing aid written right now? No I'm gonna try a long gray hair

No, it's not with you. Have you ever really have you ever gone and take a piss and and look then go one of your hairs is longer than your dick Pete I apologize. This is I didn't come up here to hear this kind of language I didn't mean to say here. Do you remember at the at the boss roast? That was one of the best nights that I've ever had in New York City. Oh, that night was so great But Bonnie was roasting and she's like, yeah, Rich is so old rich you're old By y'all joke about you Bonnie came to let you want to marry a rich comedian. She got the wrong rich No, she came to the stupider, she came to this country to get stupid rich.

Florentine did that. Stupid rich. What a great joke. You know it was good when big J called Norton a pond turtle. I think mine was the best when I showed the guy she was dating before you, the famous actor. And I showed Nathan something. Yeah, he showed all the credits.

He's been a superstar for 15 years. And then I showed Voss's actual tour dates and it was like Winnie Winnie, 2-2 Florida, the fun fuck, the fun hunt. It's like, what the fuck was that? It was so bad. All right, let's take a questions for you, dude. All right.

So you marry any kids? No, no, but we want them. We're gonna have kids, yeah. You guys both have kids, should I do it? I have three grandkids. Yeah. Wow. You should definitely do it, dude.

Are you kidding me? There's no reason, in my eyes, there's no reason to marry somebody if you're not gonna have a kid. Yeah. Just be together. If you don't believe in God, if you're not into Jesus, I mean, what

it really is, I mean, marriage is a thing, a ceremony, religious ceremony, so that you guys can be under God together forever and then you have a child. Yeah, I never wanted to get into my life. For the love of God. For the love of God. Oh, yes. For the love of God. He doesn't like God talk because I love that he's such a Jew, but he hates God.

No, I don't hate God. I'm very, I believe in a power greater myself. Everybody's called that person Andrew Schultz. But yeah, when you get why you say why does that bother you that I'm saying that's what it is. That's what a marriage ceremony is. No, no, that's not every no, some people are not really getting married by a mayor in Canada or... Is that you? Oh yeah.

And I... And I... And I... The origins of a marriage is a religious event. And you have kids. I wouldn't get married if I wasn't gonna have kids. So yes, have a kid. Yeah, I've been married.

By the way, Bobby, you saying that is a blessing. I just feel so blessed and heavenly. I just wanted to talk about God more. I'm sorry. Are you religious? No, I'm like spiritual. I don't know. I feel corny talking about it.

Don't even. I think that God is the power of love in the world. And I think every religion is selling the same thing, like except for they branded it. And then, and it's not like a bad thing. I just think that they had a message that like, that the people in that region or that area could relate to. And, but I think it's all like, I think God is love.

That's the whole thing is what I think. You hate me? Yeah. I believe you. I'm just counting in my head till he says something mean to you. I'm not gonna say anything mean to you. I love him for loving that. Yeah. And I mean, you know, I used to remember before Bobby got in shape, I used to pray to him.

I used to light incense around him and pray to him. I knew it was coming. I knew you had a moment and I was into it and he can't he Vos can't have moments he gets uncomfortable. I just can't believe he didn't just kill me for that and he just went because he didn't have anything for you he had he always has a he still does fat jokes on me I did to a fat joke you called me Buddha you said you worship you prayed to me I didn't say you say you put a lot of security you said you put fruit and incense by my feet. I didn't say fruit. I said incense. You said Rory

I wouldn't have put fruit because you would eat it How old how old are you now? I'm 46. Yeah, have a kid. Yeah, I don't wait slow down. You don't have a kid with a hair lip He's all She's 34. Oh, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm gonna get you just check You don't have some fucking deformed kid you got to push up by your little to push is a fucking weirdo around Walmart in a fucking chair Fucking died everybody hates you on the plane. What's up? You can't tell by your jizz how you're gonna get you can't know you can Yes, you can. No. Are you kidding me? Yeah now you can't tell by your jizz how you're kidding. Yes you can. No you can. Yes you can.

No, are you kidding me? Yeah, now you can. That your jizz is gonna say how you're kidding. You go get your jizz checked out. They can, when you, when I got my jizz checked out to make sure I could have a baby, they can look at it. Well Danny, you're lucky. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I would have never come to sight her. Oh, that would have been on the wall.

That'd be funny when they looked under the microscope. They'd just see a bunch of jizz with Danny's stupid eyebrows. The jizz won't drive. And it won't look the egg in the eye. The jizz is always asking the other jizz for a ride. Can you give me a ride upstream? Yeah, they keep going around the egg. This is going to have a nice sound system. They have the same Malcolm X classes.

Oh, those are Malcolm X class. Yeah, he's very militant. All right, we got to wrap it up. Listen, dude, what do you got coming up? You got the Tonight Show. I'm on the Tonight Show. Tell the live people what one is that on. It's on this Friday, the 26th of January, and then just come see me on tour and watch my clips.

My tour dates are at peatly.net. I'm on social media at peatly, peatly, peatly. It's my name three times a month. So funny. It's all I want is for you to watch my clips and come see me live. That's all I care about. Very funny, hilarious. I mean, a man's man. A man's man. You're a man. You're damn right. You guys, I love both of you as comics so much and as friends and thanks for you guys. No man, I'm glad you came on. I'm glad we got to hang out.

It's been a long time. Good luck on Friday. What do you got besides fucking autism and a bad hip? Please don't watch Pete Lee's clips. No, please don't watch his clips. Your plugs. Don't go to his shows. Don't watch his clips. Abandon him and leave bad comments. That was like a little bit of Raina speaking through.

I know. So funny. We used to always go out, me, Bonnie, you and Emily, back when we were doing her. I remember that. I can't remember that. We used to go out to eat. Anyhow, I don't know what I had. You're going to be in Kentucky on February.

Kentucky where? At the Comedy Commons Wealth. What? I don't know. Well, will you stop working? I got good stuff coming up. I want to say this. But don't know. Well, will you stop working? I got good stuff coming. I want to say that you don't have to work. Your wife makes a lot of money. So do I. I do well. Okay, fine. But you don't have to do you don't have to do comedy in Kentucky anymore. I want to get out. I like I like doing

comedy. I don't give a fuck if it's Kentucky or whatever. What will comedy comedy laugh boss laugh boss laugh boss is Hucky or whatever. Comedy, comedy. Laughboss. Comedy. Laughboss. Laughboss is great. I'm there too. Yeah. Laughed Comedy Club in Chick-O-Post. Oh, that's canceled. Rick Bronson.

You're doing. I gotta take that off. You're doing Rick Bronson's House of Comedy in Arizona. I could play golf. Oh, we can play golf. Yeah. All right. Hyena's Comedy Club in Fort Worth, Texas.

I'm not doing hyenas. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. What's that called? Oh, you're going to be at South by South by South by South by South. Oh, hyenas. Worth Tech. I'm not doing hyenas. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. What's that called? Oh, you're going to be at South by Southwest. Oh, Hennis. What's Hennis? That's hyenas.

I'm not doing a fuck. Why did Mike put that there? I mean, most just added dates to the hyenas. Yeah, and I just canceled South by Southwest. Oh, damn. I'm going to be there. We could have hung out. South by Southwest.

But I'm not coming in until the 10th. All right, well, go to robertkellylive.com. I, of I'm not coming in until the 10th. All right. We'll go to Robert Kelly live calm I of course this weekend all the shows are sold out in Providence. We added Sunday There's a show added on Sunday. So get your tickets. It's up on there now Point Pleasant Uncle Vinnie's Friday and Saturday and then I'm gonna be at Mohegan Sun in in Connecticut at the Congress Roadhouse on the 7th through the 9th. Sides put is in Tampa in March the 14th through the 16th.

And am I doing I'm doing Thursday. Oh fuck off. Well, I'm cutting that Thursday. I'm not doing Thursday. I can't do Thursday. What's wrong with these people? Fucking three shows. I'm not do Thursday. What's wrong with these people? Fucking three shows. I'm not doing it.

The 22nd to the 23rd at Poughkeepsie, Houston. I'm doing all the stuff up there. Robert Kelley live. Check me out, of course. Go to ComicWareables.com. We got the regs hat. We got the YKWD merch. Those YKWD hoodies are awesome. Get yourself one of those. What a great winter gift. Get yourself one of those. What a great winter gift. Get yourself one of those.

Use code word. We got the beanies up there. Use code word. Ladybugs get 20% off. And also, of course, go to punchup.live and watch my special. It's up there free if you're a fan of mine. I need you to go up there and just, you know.

Sign it. I just spell hyenas. F-U-C-K-O-F-F. And then make sure you check out Bone to Pick podcast, me and Paul Verzi. Are you spinning? Oh, that's it. Guys, give me a plug.

Max Marcus comedy. February 22nd is the 5 year anniversary of my show comedy at Verven Summer Village New Jersey come through. You can check out the cheese show on YouTube. Don't say cheese. What the fuck came out of you? You what do you got Zilla? What the fuck just came out of you? Are you dying? It was black and brown and green

Don't throw it out You're a fucking menace We'll see Pete Lee. Thank you so much guys. Thank you so much. You're the best fans of the world You know what dude? We'll see you next week. God damn it boss You've been listening to the YKWD podcast we'll see you next week. God damn it, boss.