Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Podcast 6, Jail, Booze and Dave

Episode Date: July 25, 2010

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What's up? Robert Kelly doing another podcast. In the hotel room doing another fucking, you know what dude? Podcast, he's in some fucking deep jerky Uncle Womba is so high all Right now Saturday night, I have the two shows Fucking amazing shows sold the fuck out

Check it out we'll do a podcast tonight Saturday fucking night hanging out I chilling with some beef jerky. I'm hanging in the room with Miss Feature for the Week, Dave Landau. He's a few at the shows this week man. You know sometimes I do these shows and fucking the middle guys. You know, we did good whatever mediocre, but you know, if you were at the shows this week in a Columbus of Hyle, everybody was coming up to me like, how funny this motherfucker is, and I have to agree, Dave is a very, very funny guy, he's soon to be headlining his own shows, already does, but you're gonna hear about this guy, he's fucking hilarious. He's a

creep. He looks like he's a professional fucking golf instructor. I mean, he just looks like you would walk by him anywhere and not even fucking give him a second look. Just an average guy. And, but when he gets on stage, he's a you he talks about and he's he's a cross between He's a joke writer tells jokes, but there are two stories. He's telling stories too, which is Is really cool really really interesting stuff. What's up Dave? How you doing man? That's you bad about you It's good being average You know, it's, you really do. I mean, you wear golf shirts.

I do. Every, I mean, you can't sweat through a golf shirt though, the polyester. Yeah, but you instead of sweating like a tiny animal on stage. So like me. Well, we worked together before. Yes. And Kansas City. You don't want, you don't want beef jerky, right?

No, I'm good, but it's smelling yours is wonderful. It is good, right? It is. You know, it's a funny, it's close at the gas station. It's come smoking again. And I saw the beef jerky. Right. And I'm not eating carbs because I'm fucking back on the diet,

trying to get my shit together again. And they sell bags of beef jerky, whatever, the gas station, but here in Columbus, Ohio, I just beef jerky's popular. They literally sell sheets of beef jerky. Yes, sheets of meat. Eating it. So sheet paper of beef jerks is disgusting in every way. But I think it's amazing. I was almost like, oh my god.

You didn't the woods with a hunting knife. Yeah. Like you need a horse to fucking actually buy that shit. But anyways, we're doing, we're doing the shows this weekend. Columbus has been fucking great. One of my favorite clubs, which I forgot that was one of my favorite clubs. So it's just an awesome fucking. The crowds are fucking great. The club is great. The guy who owns it is fucking great. Everybody works there is fucking great. It's set up good. The fucking, they don't let people in who are fucking too drunk.

The people have a good time, but they don't talk. They don't yell shit out. It's been fucking great, honestly. The great shows, but also, you know, I work, you know, by the time with a lot of middle feature acts, but you know, you, oh fucking, one of my favorites. Thank you, man. You're very very funny very funny guy I'm not saying that the most smoke in your ass either. I know just you know this you're touching my leg right now Absolutely absolutely that would only be funny on radio because on video they realize I wasn't

Fucking Bob new heart We do an old-time radio That's true, but you're fucking Bob Newhart. What are we doing all time radio? We're gonna set up a whole scene with non-existence and it'll just be awful. Yeah, fucking Dean Martin and fucking Dave Landau. Listen to them on radio. Especially really good timing with that too. But yeah, I mean we work together. I'll give a little back story for

people listening. You know people who don't know Dave, you ever website? Yeah, what is it? It's Davelandau.com. Davelandau.com. You gotta go to it. Fucking funny. Really good shit. You got a CD on there too? I have my email that goes to there that they can order it through. I got to get it all hooked up to the CD to be available, but I do have a CD available. Right, okay, fucking hilarious stuff. We're going to get to some of your jokes later, that was just funny. But you know, it's good because you're different than me on stage. You creepy too, though. I mean, your jokes aren't, you know, you're one of those guys that, you know, you have well-written jokes. The joke is set up punch tag, you know, but and you deliver them as such, but they're they're they're you know it's creepy. They are. Yeah, but it's because it's like you said, like I come

off as an average on assuming guys. This guy walks on stage who's five foot five with like probably in his hair. Don't speak. Don't speak away so in the third person please ever just say you when I walk on When I grace the state Yes, yes, this fucking yeah, you do grace the state. I do it is it isn't by do a twirl But no, I go I nobody expects to hear some of the shit that comes out of my mouth And that's why I write the way that I do because by the time you're about five minutes And you do actually realize how creepy the shit that I'm saying actually is. And the thing about it is it's all fucking true though.

I've been hanging with you. I knew you a year ago. Yeah, over a year ago. We were at Kansas City in Prov. Yep. Fucking middle of a fucking snowstorm, I think weird fucking snowstorm. Yeah, well, it was in April and it was like four feet or something.

Yeah, some crazy shit. And you were actually, which was one of my favorite hotels I've ever stayed in because they have an indoor outdoor pool. So you kept saying how you were swimming around like a dolphin or a fairy. Well, yeah. Well, because I was swimming in the snow in a heated pool outside.

You were letting your hair get in the water. And I'm bald. Yeah, right now. But you're saying that you just like getting frozen and coming back in. You're like, you stick your head out. And the snow is coming down It was amazing and the steam was coming off of the water and I felt like somebody I like the fucking ex caliber movie

Like the sword came up just magical. It was magical. It was fucking one of the best If you could ever swim in the winter outside in the heat of pool in a snowstorm Fuckin do it. Maybe what. Maybe want to do drugs. Yeah, no, it's awesome. I've done it. I get my hair all spiked up. It's frozen. It just feels good.

No, no. Well, we worked together a year ago, and excuse me for eating. No, I'm starving. I am, man. Um, in Kansas City. Yes. And this is the fucking weird part. Is that back then you were drinking. Yes a lot a heavy drinker

And I mean you're small, dude you're you know small guy you're not like a fucking You were glasses got like I said you're just like to look like a Rayla dude back then though you were in the flannels and you were Actually a little heavier and you were you had the beard and yeah I had the bearded the sky is my triple chin that I was a champion of people. I've done it there, I've done it. I had a goatee for years, the fucking creative chin. Right, if you were like, wow, would you grow a beard? Does it feel good about myself?

It's a stop crying. Yes. But you were a fucking drunk man. Yeah. And we, it was weird because we had a talk. We actually had this fucking deep conversation because I'm recovering. Right. I don't drink, I don't use drugs.

I'm pretty much addicted to fucking everything. I'm battling sex and food and cigarettes for my whole life. But I've been sober off of booze in alcohol for 25 years. And cigarettes are still a demon for me. Yeah, cigarettes are motherfucker, but you are. Yeah, cigarettes are a motherfucker, but it's you are fucking Alky and we had this talk and you actually it was weird because I know I've talked to people before but I knew it was something weird, something clicked with you. I've seen it because you actually would like, look man, thank you for that talk and you it hit you somehow and then

I left you actually I still have the text message thanks for that talk April 2nd of oh nine and you it really affected you but then you you went out you went back drinking right I did one night yeah I I went three months after we had talked and things were going pretty well but I you know I obviously still had the devil on my shoulder like we always did just about giving in so one night I ended up getting in a fight with my wife I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't yeah, I was drunk. I blew a point oh nine which is kind of a miracle considering that I think it should have far lesser past that because I went golfing that day. I was drinking on the course, then I was in shots, then I went and played poker. So like it was a long long day, you know, and then yeah, I got pulled over and basically, you know, you top asked me, you know, how much of you had to drink and as you've like every dumb fuck, I'm like, two drinks. Right. And that's all.

And then I got out of the car and basically fell. Right. And then I ended up in a jail cell. Indytroid? Indytroid, yeah, which is a beautiful place If you I mean that's when improv school start coming in so you don't get fucking raped What do you Wayne Brady? I'm five foot five and I actually got moved from the cell because they thought I was going to beat up a dude who was probably about 6'5".

Really? Yeah, this dude was in the cell and he kept crying. I don't know what he got arrested for, but he just kept saying stuff. And it was so funny because whatever he was on, he was just illusionally. He kept saying things like, my wife's really fat, but I love her. And I work at the carnival in my shit like that. Every guy in fucking Pennsylvania. Every guy from Pittsburgh. But yeah just like randomly saying some of the fun and I'm trying to sleep so

my dude please stop you have to stop and eventually just like I'm sorry Dave I love you man I'm like don't just I want to sleep but my wife's fat and this one on for hours And I'm excited to start screaming at him was still drunk. Next thing I know they're opening up the Jail cell door and they're like okay, we have to take you with him. You're gonna kill this guy So I ended up in solitary confinement. We should have on me. Oh really? Yeah, but and then I ended up staying there and Then I just I just got fucked completely after that. I mean the court fucked you. Oh, I mean, I'm not saying I didn't deserve it But I mean I definitely got you know, it's just playing quickly what happened what they what do they fuck?

How what punishment did you get just rattle it out? What the fuck it was basically? He's caused me about 12,000 dollars with a lawyer lawyer fees a breath of lousy in my car and I had to wear an ankle monitor like Lindsey Lohan for the first few months so where so the first three this is one day of drinking right you went out you got bagged by the cops you got thrown in fucking jail in Detroit which walking around Detroit outside of jail is like jail anywhere else in the country yeah any Rosalie country walking around Detroit downtown is like being in fucking jail but you're actually in the jail in Detroit when you had to wear a fucking anklit

right that could tell that you were drinking yes how the fuck can it tell? I don't know it's just it kind of hooks up to your legs or anything well it's from the sweat any perspiration through your upstream. But I sweat from my armpit. One of the armpit like bracelet. It's probably the embarrass you less,

but it is kind of amazing to walk. Like so nobody can see it. I think they put it around me. You sweat from your ankle? That's the thing is, I don't think so, but their ankles are detected. Like there's a little pad on it. OK.

So but then you have to, you have to, this is the crazy part is the thing in your car, which I, which you still have. Yes, it's cool. You don't mind us talking about it. No, it's good for it. Well, you still have this fucking thing. We're in the car the other day.

And I didn't, look, when I saw you the other day, bro, I was like, dude, you look like a million bucks. Thank you. You lost a lot of weight. You got to glow about it. You can tell you, if I, hey, shit, you a sober, you can tell that you had to shoot together. It's amazing thing to see, dude. And, you know, people who, you know,

I know people that drink and then when they stop drinking and you see that they got it, you know, that they're not doing, it's done, it's a rap. You can tell, and you can tell the other day when I saw you on Thursday that it was a rap, Wednesday, it was a rap for you. And, you know, but we got into your car and I didn't, you, we're, all of a sudden something started beeping

in your car and you pick up this fucking huge gray box and you start blowing into it. Right. And I'm like, what the fuck? There's a, you can't start your car without blowing it. You have to suck your car's car I have to blow your car for just started just explain what that will fuck it that is basically I have to get into my car press a button and once it says sand fly after blowing three times

Suck back twice and then blowing until it vibrates much like a car. Yeah, it's not much like your prisons that They're right. Yeah. Well, it's a lot like Detroit prison actually. Yeah, dude. It was so freaky, but then except there's not four breathlessers in my car. But this is the way it dig is that after that every 20 minutes or randomly it drops all your driving. Right, which is really sweet when you're in snowstorms or in a car to ride late next to a family. Yeah. Or when you're driving in Chicago, rush hour traffic and you don't want to slam to the car in front of you and the thing beeps. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it's good because they don't want you to drink and drive to the distraction of the road. This is the fucked up part. We're driving down the street and the thing goes off. Yeah. And it's the most annoying

beep, beep, beep, like you lose a loser loser. Oh yeah. It's like you son of a bitch failure, failure, failure blow. And you have to blow and suck suck and a missing but you're still such an addict you're driving the car you have a cigarette yes and then you have this thing so you won't throw this you got the big you throw the fucking cigarette out the window put it out you fucking hold the seat of a cigarette one hand you're staring with your fucking knee and the other and you're blowing into this box right and stay for fucking so your car doesn't shut off, as you're doing 60 down the highway,

you fucking get arrested when you get back to the hotel. Exactly. Dude, unfuck unbelievable. Yeah, and if I fail it, you know, it ends up the car will stop. I can end up, you know, going to jail for failing a breathalyzer, like all kinds of different shit around it. Well, just to let the people know though,

that this is 10 more days, nine more days now. Yeah, nine more days. It's gone. It's done. It's out of your car. So you'll be able to drive your car without blowing it. Well, just to let the people know that this is 10 more days, 9 more days now. Yeah, 9 more days. It's gone. It's out of your car. Yep. So you'll be able to drive your car without the car being. No, the blogger. Yeah. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen and do. And the funniest part is that when you're I'm in the car, I'm trying to make you laugh so you fail. Well, yeah, so many people do that. So I asked to keep baping and baping and baping. I love this. you stuck late at night in a fucking Walmart parking lot. The worst thing was when I was on the ankle thing I had to carry around a modem with me to call in the ankle brace.

That's a single day. Yeah. So I had to attach this modem to a phone line. You had to attach your modem to the ankle brace to a phone line. To a phone line Then I would have to put my shin where you know my ankle where it was right up next to the monitor and then call it in And then I would have to call to some very pleasant person who wanted to talk to me to make sure that they received the download So I was doing this from hotels and all these other places, but when I'd stay in comedy condos Nobody would you know, there's no out, you know, out going service or anything.

So I'd have to go find a place which was usually like a bar. So I'd be sitting in a bar at like three o'clock like, hey, can I plug in my heart machine? And then I'm just sitting in like the back of a bar. These are these people drinking with my leg plugged in. This is the thing though is that you're not the first asshole that had that the purpose of that. The amp-up we have is all done. They probably have a special phone line for alcoholism and go bracing. It seemed that some did because right when they saw they're like oh right over here by the ATM we used that line for your heart to mission. See the line over there with a footrest? Yeah we have a TV too. If you want to flip it out you're fucking yeah. There's tissue. It's crazy. That's crazy, dude. That's fucking. It's nuts. But I mean,

I mean, it's a wrap. I mean, look, dude, that's so weird, though, is because when I stopped drinking, I quit when I was 15. Right. I mean, I went to, I was drinking, I started drinking, I was 10, literally, points of Seagrum 7, I would just down him. Yeah, I would, I actually was taught how to drink by this, Jake, this kid Jake. Really? Yeah, when I was in, I used to hang out with these Italian kids, Frankie Policastro and Jake Gagliardi,

who were two like the fucking, they were just movie cool dudes. Right, right, right. I mean, just, Jake could fucking drink a pint of soko in one sip, and the way he did it without gagging, he wouldn't let it in his tongue, so he wouldn't taste it. It would just hit the back of his throat, so he could down it and not taste the alcohol,

just have the effects. Then that's how he taught you. He taught me, just don't let it hit your tongue. When you taste the alcohol is When you want to go up you can shoot like that So I learn how to drop the back of my tongue put the bottle up and let it just fucking hit the back of your throat And you can just truck shit. So wow. Yeah, I was crazy I used to I used to one sip like a half bottle of peppermint snops

And I used to get fucking it, dude. I got so five more ones out. This is weird. I think I was 13, 14 or something. I was drinking so much, but I was still babysitting for this lady. Like, I don't know why. I'm hanging out with the fucking, these criminals, these fucking crazy motherfuckers who were like, you know, from 15 to 18.

And I fucking was this lady that I used to babysit for when I was a kid, my sister babysat for, I kind of filled in for a once in a while, but I was a kid. I was a kid, I was a kid. And she still called me once in a while, the babysit. I think she was using young moms, she was kind of hot. Right. And she didn't give a fuck, you know what I mean? Right.

So I went over to babysit one night, but I had a bottle of white labeled scotch, half a bottle. I healed Billy a whole gallon of wine. Red, what was it called? There was a wine and whiskey, Mad Dog 2020. Oh yeah, Mad Dog 2020. Oh, of course. A bottle of it, the jug, where you have the little hook and you healed Billy it.

Yeah. I drank a whole bottle of that my friend Frankie and like three joints only that and OE I think had the hillbilly hook. Yeah, Owie. What's OE old English? Oh a liquor no the other one to wild hours rose had it. Oh, yeah Yeah, which is very was mad dog 2022. Yeah, wine and whiskey mixed as bum juice Right. Yeah, that's all I would seriously get liquor and Detroit by buying a bum MD yeah, yeah That's actually what I would do. I dragged all that I read babysitting. I couldn't even I was like oh my god I had to take a shit so bad the lady comes over to me she goes are you all right?

And I was like I'm fine and she was like okay, and she was still gonna leave I ran into the bathroom to shit I woke up in the hospital. I shit, half the shit came out and I fell on the ground on my pants down with a turd hanging out of my ass. I woke up for a second in the bathroom. I actually did that at my bachelor party. I'm not kidding. I woke up with my looked up at some my mother my uncle the lady and a fucking EMT guy and I knew my pants my pants are on my ankle and my mother's going good

Let him fucking let him stay in his own shit Then I woke up in the hospital the next day one half what you said you shit at your bachelor party Yeah, I passed out with a piece of shit my ass, But it's funny that you say that about like the drinking quickly. Yeah, cuz that's what I did too when I was young Yeah, like I wanted to be like how's that small guy do that? So I would see her she like I learned how to bong liquor so the first thing I bonged was a fifth of Bucardi in a beer bonger my friend put in about a shot of seven up for good touch Right and there's dumped it in I drank it and I was probably about 120 pounds wet then. Really?

All the members, I started tap dancing, I called the girl a hooker, and I passed out. Really? And I actually woke up to, in a closet, and I don't know how I got there, to a cop grabbing me. And then I was thrown down the stairs by the police officer. Well, this entire party else police brutality police brutality And I get into this cop car and there's a squirrel sitting there and she's handcuffed I just remember her name was Joey, but she's handcuffed for it. I'm handcuffed backwards

Okay, and we're in this cop car and she's just crying like I'm an age student I don't want you to do this and I'm like hey, baby You know, I just start fucking like hitting on it. That. So you complete jackass and like you can call me tomorrow. It's no big deal. We can talk about this. You're not going to get any trouble. Copsick, David, shut the fuck up. You're going to jail. I'm like, seriously, you want to give me your foot? She actually gave me her phone number in the back of this cop car. And then I was trying to get her to give me a hand job. And so the cop is just screaming in the rear view mirror for me to fucking stop. Right. And that that was actually one of the many

My peas that I have but it's like that's when you shake your pants. Oh, that was in my bachelor party Yeah, what's that story? Oh, sorry. What the fuck story? We just now do different you were I was Excited that you were hitting on a girl on the back of a cock and I was so excited that it was gonna get to the point Yes, I was like you shit it was going to get to the point. You hit your feet. Yes! I was like, you shittin' on this chick is comin'. Yeah, no, I have a few down here, but I... Let me tell you something real quick.

I got so drunk one night, I went to New Year's Eve. Yeah. Me and my friend Franky got so shit-faced, I woke up in his house where he lived with his mom. Yeah. And on a cot, naked. Couldn't find my underwear. I woke up naked, like I just blew guys,

like I just suck at a whore, like some fat chick after just sucking guys. He's laying out with developing leotians. Dude, I woke up, I'm trying to find my underwear, I couldn't find it, I'm not getting a month later. I found my underwear behind Frankie's coach with a shit in it, fossilized. I must have shipped my pants and just took my underwear off and threw the shit behind his

coach on the fog of blower. You have seen it? No, what I did at my batch of parties was I didn't quite ship my pants, but apparently what I did was, I only know this from the pictures that everybody took with their fucking iPhones, was I on upstairs to take a shit and I passed out on the toilet. So everybody gathered around me for a photo and apparently I stood up with just this shit dangling out of my pants and then just walked past everybody and passed out in my friends bed with a fucking turtle Next morning I woke up my pants are down. I'm like I don't know what happened

I didn't realize I had now pulled my pants up with the shit in it I walked downstairs and I got my body's room and I'm like hey man I do it. He's like yeah, you have shit hanging out of your ass last night. Don't stand in here Don't shake my hand. It's like a shower y me va a ir a la gente y me va Navidad Cobra Vida con Yfema Madrid Entre Yfema.es y compra tu entrada Yfema Madrid, Siente la Inspiración You're up, no I mean like 23 up. You just suck. You just suck if you haven't showed your pants. Exactly. But anyways, let's move it on. So yeah, you fucking, one of the funniest guys,

we actually talked and I saw your act this weekend a guy watched you and you're killing it, dude. You're just killing it from thinking. You know, you don't go up, like a lot of middle guys go up and yap to the crowd and where you find this and that and blah, blah, blah. And you don't, you walk and yap to the crowd and we friend this and that and blah blah blah and you don't you walk up you engage the crowd you go into your material from front to add and then you say good night and it's all solid I mean fucking boom boom boom and

you tell me one of your jokes tonight which is fucking hilarious. It's gotta be one of the funniest lines I've ever heard. It's just make me laugh. What would tell the joke dude? Um, I go my wife doesn't you know let me near the treasure being her vagina Right with that way, but anyway doesn't let me fuck around her period and I say you know It's probably because the first time I saw a string hanging out of there. I said oh good you caught the mouse This is a fog and that joke hits you

Three seconds after you hear it Which is those are my favorite jokes will you hear it and your brain can't comprehend? What the fuck you just said? Well, I like this like three seconds after that you realize how horrendous it is. It's just so funny that you're That's a great joke man, and then you have the you have another joke in your act as a funny man And I don't mean to fucking blow smoke and yet cut, but the one about the hamburgers

that you actually got arrested for throwing hamburgers at a hooker. True story, yeah. Tell that joke, man. That's funny. OK, yeah. My brother and I were at a white castle. And you can actually Google it.

It's white castle prostitute joke on YouTube. And my brother and I were at a white castle three in the morning, and we're both in high school and we just ordered a crave case, which is a brief case of hamburgers. Right. And my brother's just pissed drunk and shackled him on my car. He's just pulling out. My brother notices a prostitute. Right. So he just starts hucking cheeseburgers out. Right. Just hanging out the window like how much for a hand job, bitch.

Half a hand. All right. He's hitting a wick in nail and her. He's hitting her. Honestly, He's hitting a wuss. He's hitting a wuss. He's hitting a wuss. He's hitting a wuss. He's hitting a wuss.

Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. I'm hitting a wuss. I'm hitting a wuss. I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss.

Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. Honestly, I'm hitting a wuss. And that's true though. The entire thing's true and what's funny about it is,

yeah, my brother was pagan this hooker and ate my own grass in Detroit with fucking cheeseburgers, like just a railing. And he just, and she's fucking listening to everywhere he has to say, like, can I throw in your ass for fucking Ike's French fries and different shit like that and he's pelting her and she pulls out her badge. And funniest thing is in that joke I say the cleanest line that was

delivered in the actual court hearing right because when we were actually in court the female officer had written down everything my brother said so here's this judge reading are the district attorney and the judge you know just reading different things like you know know, you have, you have all the fucking perverted things my brother says and fucking the judge is laughing, the DA's laughing, our lawyer's laughing, the entire fucking group, everybody in the court dying fucking laughing. And the judge is just like, you know what, I, I, the key 17, I'm not going to charge him for soliciting sex. He wasn't just get the hell out of here and but the judge actually had

tears in his eye for laughing so fucking hard as a trans and the woman just and she tried to get those transcribes i would do anything to put those in a fun the web on your website yeah he was so funny because it yeah i know one second i fucking i think i keep going shit i think it may have So funny because yeah, I think I It may have

I shit this afternoon and I left it in there which I do all the time I appreciate it and you took a piss and it was just that fucking that just Which I appreciate it and you took a piss and it was just that fucking that just Dutch oven You fucking nine hour shit right fucking delightful. Did he more beach still? I ate a sandwich in there Anyways So I'm gonna wrap this up soon. It's a worry. I mean this one flew by sorry on fucking like almost 30 minutes, but Anyways, he doesn't want to think about it It's just that you're such, like if you look at you, dude, I'd be like, this guy's just the fucking normal fucking, but you're a creep.

Yeah. You're just a fucking creep. I'm gonna look at you today and I just looked at you. I was like, this guy has definitely fucking just murdered somebody. You're strangled as somebody that you have somebody buried somewhere. I actually have a line in my head about killing Hooker

with Pan AWAY, which is weird. What is it, what's that line? I just have being raised Catholic. You can just apologize for anything. Like, yeah, I killed a hooker with piano wire, two Hail Mary's. I actually have a role in that. It's funny. I did some surprising people laugh at it. Like, yeah, I agree with that. Well, you know, it's weird is these crowds in Columbus man. A lot of O and A fans have been coming out, which is fucking great, man. I love when they fucking show out. And you know, because they get my shit, you know, this people like, the people that go to the show, but you know, the last night, the bachelor party,

it was the bachelor party that, that fucking hated me. And it's so, it makes me so happy that, like I ruined somebody's night, like this girl, I ruined her night. Her, one of her friends, you know, probably hated me and she tainted the whole table and made it so nobody could enjoy the fucking, because if you, if you laughed and you're not my friend, she probably cocked, cocked, cocked, cocked, cocked everything. So the whole night was fucking ruined, but everybody around them was fucking laughing. That's great. So I'm killing, I'm killing, but there's one,

I ruined somebody's night. Somebody special night you fucking asshole. If one fat miserable whore who's only there because she, her friends have around so they make them look better, you know, and they can't next to this pig. She doesn't have a good time anywhere that she goes. It's my fucking guy, you know, everybody's wife has that one girlfriend, you know, who's just an awful human being. And you know that she just ruined it forever. Oh, I was so happy. It made me, I kept looking over there. And it was just like waiting for me to say goodnight.

I just kept going and going. And I fucking love it. Right, because your entire ex not about their thing. Yeah, that's what they hate. And that's the thing you were saying about when I go on stage. I love the fact that I don't want any fans to do so I can actually do some of the darker shit that makes people laugh by own the stuff that I know that that crowd that you get

enjoys. Right. And just the fact that you know tonight when you have somebody up there you know asking for birthdays and celebrations and this and that when I get up there I don't want them to remember that. I just want them to realize that it's jokes and it's gonna be comedy for the rest of the night And it's not about your little fucking party. Yeah, this you yeah exactly. You're here to see my show You know, you know, I'm not here to fucking entertain you as much as it is

I'm trying to fucking tell you my shit and hopefully you like it right? Yeah, there's nothing There's just a bunch of tears and fucking sashes like I'm performing at a fucking god damn pageant Yeah, exactly. Like it's so funny. This is the best part though is that these chicks are all the tables with fucking cock drinks and cock cops and really you can't take a dick joke you fucking whore. Yeah, they grown in a dick joke while they have one of the fucking mouth. Yeah, that's good. One of the most you're celebrating one of the most holy fucking things in the world getting married under God your

religion and you celebrate that by fucking cock straws. Yeah and cock nightly says cock hats and then going out and blowing guys and strip clubs and the other fucking thing which is the best fucking porn ever by the way. Exactly. Yeah. That's all guys know what happens now because when you think Shiko's bad at men's clubs watch these bachelor bread parties on the hot the hottest the hottest one is when the fat Aunt looking bitch. Yeah, just sneaks a suck. Yeah Look the whipped cream off it deep throw you know she just sucks a great cock Oh, he hasn't sucked one in like 20 years. Oh, of course, there's a husband's cock sucks

Oh, of course, and just just doesn't just long enough to get the general warts on her mouth. Yeah So of course and just just doesn't just long enough to get the general awards center mouth. Yeah Oh the fuck hey, yeah, you know You know where that guy's been. I was from Yeah, just fucking suck 19 cocks. Oh, it's like no Yeah, literally another guy's mouth was on that and it's hate behind a fucking dumpster at a penny Yeah, yeah, cuz let me tell you something if you're a male stripper and you're not gay right and you and chicks are blowing you Cuz these guys stop like they let him suck at a couple ofpper and you're not gay and chicks are blowing you because these guys stop Like they let them suck in a couple of times and then and then move on. I would not be able to do it

I'd be like fuck oh Three fucking socks and Spooge interface and I'd be done for the night the worst male stripper ever I'd be the way to just be all the fucking just a new pair of lips every four seconds Yeah, I'd punch in for work It at eight and be done at 803. I would slowly come a little bit never go there be little pre-sem Right. I would just I'd have little orgasms Fuck that. Um, so you tell them each you tell me other stories man

Like you have so did it you have a fucking ton of stories, but you're telling me When you're about Michael Richards, man, which was fucking crazy. I mean, we all work with comics, we've worked with Dicks, I have my Dicks, you know, everybody has Dicks stories where the guy is straight. That's the one thing is you meet these guys and you're like, oh, you admire them and you're like, fuck, I can't wait to work with them, but sometimes you fucking work with these guys and they're assholes.

You forget that, you know, a lot of us are fucking crazy. Absolutely. And your expectations get fucking blown out of the water, but you worked with Michael Richards before, all the shit went down with him. Yeah, before the meltdown in LA. Yeah, and he fucking treated you like garbage. As I should.

I should be doing a podcast with you either. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. It's hilarious. No, and that's the thing is, I don't hold anything against Michael Richards, especially now being so, I don't hold on to anger, you know, but it's like, basically I'm doing this. First of all, you're doing my podcast. It's got three listeners.

Nobody's going to hear this. You can be honest. Oh, no, no, I'm saying this. This isn't going to, I don't know. Not for one second. This isn't going to fuck up your chances and the business. Oh, well, no, I'm saying. I don't want to say this is gonna fuck up your chances and the business. Oh, yeah With the Michael Richard show and just wear a hood and see how great the record was a huge fan of Mark He was just about to cast a show and he felt bad for what he did to you

I was gonna cast you and then heard this go. There's no fucking idea. Right. What is this? Nobody does Fuck you dude me too Nobody does. Thanks. Well, fuck it, dude. Me too. I'm famous. No. Yeah. But, no. I get to, I'm doing a club in LA.

Getting the other beef jerky by the way. I would hope so. It's not fun nearly enough. This is actually your fourth bag. No, this is actually beef jerky nuggets. Oh, it's actually like wet. Where's your sheet paper? Oh, I wish you got one. If you could just eat start on one end each and meet in the middle.

If you could drive to the whole, that is delightful. If you could drive. You know what? It's not the shit. It's actually the beef jerky that smells. I thought it was the shit. I thought it was the species. I'm eating it because you can't fucking get in your car because you can't blow it up for fucking 12 thirds. Like I can't eat a cookie and drive. I can't eat a cookie. Because the sugar. This fucking concocts like it can't eat a cookie in dry. You did it in a cookie!

He did it because the sugar. This fucking cock-tacker can't eat a cookie and drive his cock. He has to eat a cookie and then hang out for 20 minutes. Oh my god. Oh my god. I just want to eat on the road while I drive, especially if I'm way to the gig and it's just not fucking happy. Oh my god. So I'm going to go back and it's just not fucking happening. Oh my God.

So go back to Michael Richards. Oh, anyway, so we're in this club in LA. And you know, there's a bunch of big names there. Everybody gets like seven, eight minutes in LA or New York, people who don't know, you know. And so, you know, there's really good comics there. You know, there's like Domerere and Kevin Neill and this and that. So I'm bringing up all these people and they're like, okay, Michael Richards is on next.

So I'm thinking, holy shit, I fucking love the students and I put some of my favorite shows. So you're in the back and this asshole is doing like Jim Nasprick's. He's basically doing push ups and set ups. And I walk out to him like, all right, oh, Mr. RetroJump and two minutes goes, don't you stand busy?

Oh my God. Yeah, you know, I just, you gotta go on stage and I'm in and I gotta interview. He stands up and I pull my hand out of it. I'm a pro. Yeah, you know, I just said you got to go on stage in a minute and I got to interview me stands up and I put my hand out of it. I'm a really big fan and he goes, yeah, I don't do that. Don't shake my hand. When you bring me up on stage, walk off the stage and don't shake my hand. And when I come off, I don't want to. I'm like, okay. Well, fuck, fuck. That's fucking crazy. Oh, it's iconic. Yeah, that's fucking look at man. I said human being. You could say look like I don't I don't shake hands or whatever.

I just give the pound or whatever. What about how you're what about how you man? Yeah, OCD. Let me tell you something about OCD. You know, I both have it. Yeah, we have it. We're too poor to fucking do it. Okay. I can't afford not to shake a club owner's hand because I need the money All right, I need to shake fucking creepy fucking O&A fans I know just thinking their own asshole today. I didn't wash the hands I am gonna shake the hands because they came out to see me they drove four hours to see Oh, right. Yeah, if I was fucking a millionaire and I was loaded like fucking Howie and all these guys I'd be fucking a weirdo too

I you know what take away their money for a year and see if fucking how he's not touching hands. Oh, I'm sure he's working at fucking Walmart as a greeter. Oh, he'll be hugging, grabbing asses. Right, that's a fucking assessment. Selling people. That's those D-shit, some of that, some of that shit, the handshake and stuff.

It's a wash shit, it's a wash shit. But with him, I really don't even think it was an OCD thing. I think it was just a complete, just I'm the fucking man. I'm kind of an attitude. And so, and I'm just trying to keep cool. So, okay, what do you want your intro to be, and he goes, what the fuck do you want my intro to be?

What is that? He goes, what the fuck do you want my intro to be? What do you want my intro to be? Yeah, he goes, what the fuck do you think my intro should be? What the fuck do you think my intro should be? And I said, yeah, yeah. And I go, Sunfeld, I guess, he goes, oh, fuck do you think my interest should be? What the fuck do you think my interest should be? I think difference. Yeah, yeah. And I go, uh, Sunfeld, I guess, he goes, oh, some a warship. I'm like, no, I just, if you're working on anything new,

I can say it, you know, I gladly say it. It's not a problem if you just let me know. Which most MCs, first of all, don't even, they're fucking such assholes. They don't even walk up here. They just bring you up. Right. They're such, they're still on their ego trip

that they're like fucking They're not doing their job. You're actually doing the job going look man big fan You're trying to make him feel good right? Hey, what do you want me to say? Yeah, of course sign up But fucking you might exactly you might have something else you know, you know They might not want to promote that they might be sick of that right so they want to separate them So you know the fucking wants and he's you know He did a detective show in the set. So I don't know if he's got a new show coming out.

I don't know if he's going to be on. I just want to make sure that it's good. You know, and my thing is too is, you know, I'm seeing one of the few minus headlining paid spots in LA. So I'm honored to be there. And I'm trying to do it at 100%. Right. So, so I'm a wash-up.

So now I'm just sitting there frozen like, I don't know what the fuck you want for me. Fucking creepy, yeah, what are you gonna say? And he just continues being a dick. I don't remember the exact words, but he's basically saying, like basically saying I'm an asshole, I'm done in the business. You? Yeah, it does mumbling shit. And I'm like, whatever, you're on in two minutes. So I walk up and there's other comics, they're like big names, you know, that can see like some of this happening and are kind of just staring at him like, what the fuck?

So I go up on stage and I say the owner, I'm like, I need to do a couple minutes and he's like, sure. So I just did three minutes of the strongest shit I had to get the house pumped up. And I said, please welcome Michael Richards and I stood on stage with the biggest shitting grin I could master and I put my hand out. While he walks up and just shakes my hand with the most angry Better face and then Proceeds to get the minute and a half of I'm famous laughter to an entire room of complete silence Like what the fuck is this and he's doing jokes? I remember specifically about how he had straws in his drink And he's like when I was in the war I just have to kill people with these straws

And he's like, when I was in the war, I used to have to kill people with these straws. So people would, and he was just doing like karate moves, like, like a six year old would do with a sword that they got in a kitty cocktail. Essentially, what he was doing is comedy. He bombed. Oh, yeah, he ate it. But, and you helped that, you facilitated that by going up in three minutes of your strongest shit. Yes, I just wanted to be very. yes you buried them yes on purpose which is

not something I like to do but I heard he wasn't very good he had made me so angry then I shook his hand with a big sheeting grin and then right when he was walking off stage I made sure that I got on stage just in time to put my hand out so the entire audience could see so he didn't deny it and then he just gave me almost like the gayest like three fingered handshake he possibly could. Yeah, just the little like just enough so the crowd wasn't like, whoa, that guy's a dick, but just enough. So let me, I mean, but I mean, look, you're not the first, I mean, he'd been then three weeks later or so how long I'd been. It was three weeks later and I almost beat off his personal pleasure I took in watching that when he when he fucking flipped out at the left

At the left actor is about three weeks later and then what he did Jeff Garland have a story about that too? Yeah, he had done a joke. It's talked about it on Ron Bennington interviews And I'm sure their friends, you know, but uh was about how when Michael Richards got off stage He was he looked at Jeppin said tough crowd was about how when Michael Richards got off stage, he was looking at Kevin said tough crowd. You got to fucking, that is such a comic thing to say though. Right. I mean, you gotta give it, Michael Richards, whatever you think of him, whatever,

I mean, he was a dick to you, that's such a dick shit move. Yeah. But the fact that he was so oblivious to what he did, that's, you have to say, there is some comic in him. Oh, I'm actually actually saying that and you can't be honest successful stick out for seven years of being somewhat comedically pretty Jeff Garland first of all fucking funny guy but yeah fun hominal but he's one he's a really nice guy man really fucking really fucking good guy man he uh he actually said he saw he said some really nice stuff about my scene

in Louis and you know he did not say that shit to me but he was like dude you know really good acting. Really fucking sweet guy. Really nice guy. Yeah. And then he's fucking funny shit dude. Oh yeah he's hilarious. And on that show I've never seen a better casting. He's the perfect manager man. God damn right. I even put it above our E. Gold. Like it's just the perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. And everybody. He's more real manager man. God damn right. Like I even put it above our Egold. Like it's just a perfect. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

And everybody's more real. Yeah, that's the things. Everybody raised about our Egold. And it's like no, our Egold is the iron man of agents. You know what I mean? It comes off kind of weird where, you know, there's just so much honesty and truth behind Garland. I'm not sure.

Oh, fucking that goddamn fucking entourage. Yeah, so I know. It's there's nothing more on other watch than some fucking rich, you know almost teenager he'd laid every single week and have everything work out for Don't get it wrong. If me you got offered a part of we'd be on it. Oh, you know heart Maybe the best of us boy. Oh, I'll play a guy. He fucks I'll take the money. I would... Fuck. I'll fuck Turtle.

I'd be Turtle. I auditioned Turtle. Did you really? You could, you actually do look like Turtle. Back then I looked more like him too, but they fucking... God damn it, they're not big made-odd. I'm from Boston too, but they wanted to be fucked up. I think it'd be better.

Well, that cop stucker man that he's so mediocre. Well that's why he's just average everybody on that's kind of average. So how fucking Matt Dillon's brother? Oh Kevin Dillon. I love him. How lucky is he though? He got a fucking gig playing a shitty actor. Oh he's's a shitty actor. Yeah, fuck me, dude. Right. My life stinks. It's a good, yeah. He really, that is really the best role to get.

He never changes the character, the whole thing, too. Like when he's acting in movies, he's still Johnny drama. And Johnny drama is just fucking. I'm joking. I'm being sure. It is kind of funny, too, that you have to be the, uh, the easier the shittiest brother. You know, like, uh, dude, I'm fucking be afraid. It is kind of funny too that you have to be the, you're the shittiest brother, you know, like, oh dude, he's fucking missing like three chromosomes off

a mat, Dylan. Oh, I know, like, there's just this horrible, eyes and just a little too close together. Yeah. And he just says that way where he speaks where only is the right side of his mouth moves. Yeah, there's a pair of legs. And his skin is just a little pale than very match,

like such a perfect human. Right. This guy's like, is just, it's like fucking Patrick Swayze. He's gooby brother. His eyes, he's got that fucking Frankenstein. Fucking, like, fun. Then just drive in movie theater forehead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That caveman who sells insurance fucking blood.

Which is actually, just actually a line now that I think about it that his brother using something about Mary's actually describing Kevin Really maybe I don't know Well, anyways, you got a twin brother too, right? I do yeah, but he's tall than you. He's six one He didn't start smoking at 13 right? Oh fucking yeah, and I'm five six or alcohol yeah well now but yeah we're five six dude I know you know I'm gonna put a photo up with this what what fucking Dave looks like he's just he looks like just a fucking asshole that will take your bags at a golf course but he's you're a very funny guy dude I had a blast this fucking weekend we got one more show tomorrow and so and your website again with your website.

It's davelinor.com. Dave Lindell, you jokes you're up there? I get jokes and if you guys want, please YouTube davelinor.com at White Castle Cross to do joke. I think it's something that should do viral and I really like it to get this. First of all, nothing's going viral. I realize that but I just realized. I just realized.

I just realized. I realized that. I realized that. I realized that but I podcast Dude, I know that but it's not helping. I'm aware that this is I'm talking into your phone. Thank you Exactly The fuck that's why I do my podcast. It's everybody has a podcast and they get the microphones and everything Oh, yeah, these fucking contact us would do my podcast. Fuck that. I'm doing the same exact thing I'm in a shitty hotel room in Columbus, Ohio with an iPhone 4 right here sitting there I'm eating beef jerky and it's the same shit 200 grand for a studio yeah so I don't fucking have to talk to myself that's

what this podcast is all right so if you're listening to this thing they can check it out to get one course on it a click-to-click well, dude, the fuck was that listening to what else you doing? Just fucking you driving to work. I'll be a little skip to it and remind myself to do it right exactly So anyway, that's the podcast 58 minutes almost I mean 48 minutes It was a long one, but we was fucking long-winded Cock-suckers we are I'm. And now I'm a lot quicker on stage. I'm fine, it's fine, it's fucking very interesting. And you know my website because that's where you got this fucking podcast. So thanks for listening. That's it.

The loudest rastin' was a rastin' a fag sass hole Nothin' thick, that blind runnin' up the pack, ho, whatever As much a day, but just staring at me blankly, like, he doesn't know what to do Because it's a fag sass hole Oh, so in recent, I just looked at you in the eye Oh, it's just uncomfortable We're out here, talk to you nearby And now, see if he can strap out Look, what, so you gotta hop, what

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