Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - POST SHOW: Act Like a Pug

Episode Date: September 29, 2016

POST SHOW: Act Like a Pug Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Teres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las leajores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the Night, con Fireball. Disfruta de sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night. Con fireball. Disfruta de un consumo responsable. 33 grados. No, no, no, no. We're live in the YKWD. I mean, that's a door of office.

After show. Was it post show? After show? I'm not after show after show sounds better after show. Thank you J Yeah, no, Jay already more words in the regular show. Good job Good job welcome. We have the YKWD after show. We have Laura Cooper a deep who Gil. Yeah, we have a new guy Andrew Colin He was the guy sitting on the couch. Yeah, great did I you killed Almost as good as Jay. Oh wow. That's why that's too much. I know Really funny really less is more we got Mayron Mayron Kog in the Ghani dog

Ghani You guys can't One job. Yeah one job. I like nog. It's so much. No, I know it J. Nog isn't what's your actual name? I can't tell you that okay great. Yeah, that's not your real name What is it June? I? Deeper coming in hot all right. Well, welcome to the after show We wanted to talk more about your Peter Payne show. We didn't talk a lot about it on the podcast. Just describe how did you start the show?

I did the show like what, a year and a half ago? I got paid. Last year. Yeah, you got paid. I got paid. All right. This is some duchin. I have a scope.

I got dominated. Now you got paid. You crushed. You could be a giant crushed, but that OK. Well, usually if I can already, in that five minutes, if you don't do well, all five minutes, they'll call for pain. Oh yeah someone was doing like pretty well and they had one joke that bomb they're like nah. I know you're talking about it. Great set and then the last minute his closer bomb and it was like no pain pain. Did I push

for pain though? Is it like? No absolutely. People want to see people get punished. Now have you ever had everyone get paid and you only have like 20 to 40 bucks like When he was in here for we had five or five all paid one time I paid a dominatrix to basically sit on the stage and watch the show really how much did that's a jet run to ATM Get some money Well to door that night, but still after I just basically paid everyone out and walked home with like cab fare It was fucking miserable Now you're all the co-host of the show now

You've been like the third co-host of the show is that all right? I don't know no you get at least a hand. I remember that Like fifth co-host fifth co-host Five times a charm. Yeah, this one's sticking around now. Now this one's here to stay. I mean, I'm great. He is good. He's good. He's good. I've seen the shots. You do wear a nice vest.

Yeah, I'll bring a little fashion, right? I'm clearly on the girls' team, right? So it's not just some like terrible like today in misogyny. Do you know what I mean? Like, I won't have that. I rule with an iron tampon. And then, yeah, so it's kind of my job to balance

that energy out, right? Actually beat a comic two shows ago. Oh, yeah, I didn't. He took the weight of the rage in his eyes. I was like, what I'm saying? No, he's like, can I try? And then the kids are sure. And he just went to town. Like, he was a dominant. Oh, noator Oh no no no the guy asked me to spank him I wouldn't have just like been like can I spank the cute boy No, and he was fucking a dog He was so cute and the ass was like just two loaves of fucking hot It was beautiful

And then and so then the dominatrix gave me the whip and what I didn't know which J is a hundred percent right about was to how Into it I would actually get. Yeah. Have you ever whipped someone? No. I have whipped an ex. I have whipped an ex. It's fun to do.

It's fun to do. It's fun to do. Yeah. And I was scared that I was like, you know, after you broke up. After you broke up? Yeah. Yeah. That was good.

I'm sorry. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. You really do have the side. I'm out boy Gotta try it. You really don't before I'm in for more from the back and I was like I'm done. All right. Oh, so you you so you like that You've never dominated somebody Lauren No, no, no, I like to be dominated you with the B dominated Okay, yeah, D Pooh nope, just missionary Keep it simple or a legend thing. Yeah, D-Poo. Nope, just missionary. I keep it simple. Religion thing.

Yeah, well, no. Alright, nothing like that. Nothing like that at all. You never got into that stuff? No, well last girl I was with, she didn't mind a nice chokin from behind. You know what's crazy? A lot of girls love to be chokin. No, but I don't.

No, and you say that, but like I just don't like it. I got like my hair pulled, but I don't like it. Since I've been single the like last eight months every girl that I've had sex with they like love being Showed like yeah, choke me more to be more choking. I don't like being showed The girl I had a good sex with last week the girls are choking me as like as that shoes on top She had choking me and I was like no you got to stop doing that oh no I don't like I don't like this at all right now you need to stop I mean if it gets you your interrelationship it's fine but a random chick I would never grab a random chick's throat yeah really yeah what if she like one there enough crime dramas

I don't know just like you leave marks and listen I'm white I have a good lawyer I'm good for a while You ever break an arm Yeah, I'm in an orgy. It's how I I'm stealing the dollar. Yeah, wait wait wait wait I don't ask I was going over that please explain that story. No, I your knee. Yeah at an orgy It was a cast party for the show called Beaver, which the Boston Tea Party, the ship that they dumped the tea from, was called Beaver. So I played this like priest that was like it's okay to like suck a dick, provided you're

pretending that you're keeping the baby Jesus safe in your mouth. And then I do this whole thing and I was like, it's funny, I didn't get struck by lightning. Then I went to the cast party and like I got there late. So I was just pounding oh, it's funny. I didn't get struck by lightning. Then I went to the cast party and I got there late. So I was just pounding Makers Mark to be like, party's still on. And then everyone left. And next thing I do, an orgy just unfolded around me. And I was standing next to the stew that I'd been fucking whacking it to for a decade.

It was, it was, and we started making out. No, no, no, it's just a person. And he's known. person. Oh, okay, and that what a poet. He's known And so CBS actually it was for the bunch of burlesque girls, right? They was like a burlesque group and then oh so it was girls in the or yeah No, it's almost entirely oh really yes, and then so I'm making out with this like like one of the lusts of my life and then Did you hurt your knee running from a woman? life. And then did you hurt your knee running from a woman? No, no, I mean like I went down with gusto, you know what I mean? And then I was like, oh no, something's wrong.

And then I stood up and the pain was like an 11. It was like it was all encompassing pain. And then I was like, okay, I'm not going to ruin the orgy for everyone. I'm in a DJ. And I dragged, you know, in the James James Brown the Rick James skip when they beat his legs Yeah, and he drags his sissy boots Offscreen like I literally dragged my dead legs to the computer and was like oh, I'm gonna put on tricky's max and quiet Which is very good fuck album, so you were you were DJ with the boner? No, no, no, the pain. Oh, it's the ultimate boner killer. Like this is, it was exposed nerve. It was, it's the worst pain.

It's one of the worst pains you can experience. It happened to Adrian Peterson last week. It was a, it was a bucket tear of the lateral meniscus. And then, so then my roommate, I wouldn't say, how do you explain that to a doctor? Oh, I told them everything. I love freaking out doctors. Like, people are so shy, you you know with like telling their doctors the truth

I'm like nope. I was on below. I was at a party. You know what I mean like you have to you can't go in there Like listen, I played football this weekend I was there was a screaming I was Yeah, it's a lot of that. And then my roommate at the time was being fingered and she was lucky Pierre, I think they call it. And so I had to tag her out like wrestling. I was like, bitch, we're going home.

And then turned out I had broken my knee. I got surgery, like an old flame of mine brought me chicken and waffles while I was recovering. I sucked his dick and gratitude and we had been together for five years. Aw, slutty shit can leak so long! That's a lot of chicken and waffles and dick sucking. That is fantastic. Can you, you said you broke a girl's arm?

Well, no. I'm kidding. I was kidding. I broke her ass one. You broke her. But I just pulled the chair out. I really kidding. I was kidding. Oh, I've broken a glass one you broke her but I just pulled the chair Really did so you had to sit on a fucking You got a born-up grill. Hey just said it was your dick. You're like oh shit. Yeah, I've never done that No, no, and it people know you you're very funny comedian. Oh, thank you. You're from Florida

Yeah, I'm from Florida Port St. Lucie Florida. Why that's where the home of the Metz. Yeah, home of the Metz, baby. Such a fucking retard. I know this right now. I've been down there a few times watching them. Yeah, so what got you up here? What got me up here? You know, just finance. Yeah, finance. Yeah, just, you know, Wall Street. You know, just, what's your follow-up? Did you work down Florida doing something? Yeah, no, I did real estate for like two, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, You know, and then I moved up here to pursue a job where you'll never make a dollar. It's great It's running from the cops right now at all times. Yeah. Well, let's not talk about it It's the afterstism. Listen to the option the IRS listen to the app right now. We have 51 people watching Oh, I don't know what we'll see. What have you run it from the cops? No, I have a warrant from my arrest in Pennsylvania

So I got arrested I got arrested for a warrant. I was speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone. I swear, how cold is that? That is Florida trash right there. And so I get pulled over on a jet ski, and I only get a ticket at the time, because me and the cops agree that it doesn't have propellers. So it's not gonna hurt a manatee. And so six months later, I took a strip around on a Tuesday.

That I broke her arm. No, no, so I'm taking her home and a cop rolls behind the car, and he puts the light in the car, and he goes step out of the vehicle, and I'm thinking I'm gonna rest it for prostitution. I jump out, I go, she's not a working girl. You know, like a 50s director, so I'm not on it and so the cop the cop because put your hands be on your back and he's like you got a warrant out for your rest I know it was you the car yeah the car the plates whatever it was wasn't your not my car yeah it wasn't you

you would never know then the car would have been stolen wait what do you mean if it was someone else's car registered. Yeah, that's, yeah, I guess so. If I was in the stripper's car. Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, I wasn't so... But I love this CSI over here. But what if? Yeah, because that's every time... What if you weren't wearing shoes? No, because every time I drive to Pennsylvania, I'm afraid I take my parents' car

because I'm afraid if I get stopped I gotta find a way around this right now I have a warrant for not drink I drink in public I never paid it So I know so he goes you you have a warrant offer where you six months ago Speeding on a jet ski in a manatee zone on a jet ski in a manatee zone. He was laughing at me. And he laughed at me. He was like laughing at me.

Because like the ticket's $20, $80, you know? But he fucking, I'm in handcuffs. The stripper doesn't speak English. She's just been telling me I'm nice all night. Which isn't a compliment if you hear it too many times. Because under the only word she knows, you know? And she would have stolen from you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. She was praying you got arrested for the night. Yeah, I noticed a cop that spoke sp- like I saw his last name was like whatever her name is or some shit. And I was like, well, you least let her know that I don't fuck be gold. You know, like, I'm not this terrorist. And I don't know what he told her.

But she screamed and threw the keys and just yelled, I deals Mia like a tellin' novella. And I don't know. She probably loved manatees. I don't know. I don't know what I was. We probably told you fuck manatees. Yeah, yeah, that I don't know what it was. We probably told you, fuck manatees. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fuck them on a jet ski. Yeah, we did bad at that. The cop of the ship are now married, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They got married on a jet ski. It's great.

So this is the exact opposite of a black-eyed bean pole there, or can I just say that? A black-eyed bean? Why, what would happen? I would have been dead. Yeah, probably. Yeah, well, that's, you know. They would have just shot him when he was on the jet ski.

Yeah. Yeah. Dolan Jet ski shot him when he was on the jet ski Jet The man we need a man it's he's there. Oh the humanity JL for the night and then she wouldn't talk to me That was a good one. Yeah, so I ran to jail for the night and then she wouldn't talk to me She fucking I got her deported. I'm the fucker. Yeah, she's in a village. I don't care. Whatever. I don't know. It was It's okay. I don't know it sucked. Yeah Yeah, how long would you talk to me like she a district she thought you'd better like I showed up at the strip club I was so pathetic. It's doctor and she would you would act and you bring flowers. I was like come on

What's up to man. Yeah bring flowers. I was like, come on. Sorry about the arm. It's self-manity. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, come on, take me back. She's like, nice. Yeah, nice. It's nice. I went to Mexico one time.

I swear. I'm on muggshots.com. If you were really serious. Yeah, if you Google it, if you go to muggshots, you'll see excessive speeding in a manatee zone. That's what it says. It's great.

It's a great picture. I mean, it's the best head shot I've ever taken. I'm bad. You should use it. You should use it. Why don't you use that? Huh? As a funer-ass.

I think about a funer-ass. I think about a funer-ass. I think a funer-ass. I think a funer-ass. I think a funer-ass. When I do, when I eventually have an album, it'll be mine. Smart, smart, smart, smart. You don't hold out for that hour

Yeah, right now like a four minutes Don't waste you in a hand Yeah, by the time I have an album ready. Don't be like that's not you You fucking loser this guy does not have gray hair I've never been arrested. That's the one I've been arrested not in this country I was arrested in Italy. It's bad. They never this would happen We got to fight me like three other guys before like these 10 Italian dudes and then they We had

Of course you're like Manitoo But they were they were they see the time guys are some pussy's where they they came after us and like we, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, It was a whole big drunk thing. One of them attacked my buddy outside of a club. So then I checked some guy. And then they chased us down an alley. And then we were cornered. We were like, oh, fuck, we got a fight now. And we fought them. And then we didn't lose the fight.

We didn't win the fight. Funny as part was me and two other guys. One of the guys left. He jetted. He ran away from the cops. And then all of a sudden, means Kit Katner worked behind our backs, handcuffs. We're like, yeah. least he got away man at least he got away all of a sudden Top car comes in my teeth now comes out

In handcuffs, but they they took all the information down like what was I was in school the time was it was studying abroad They were like they were just like information We had to go to dean the next day. It was a fucking pain the ass, but um they were like listen This is so much paperwork for us Just get the fuck out of here right now. Don't ever come back to this this part of the town again We were like yeah, short and up in the in Spain same thing What I didn't beat up a spaniard you The Spanish I beat up his fan He's over there. I kind of feel listening right now. You're fucking a bunch of yeah

He did he cried when I hit him fucking but then my buddy beat up his Irish friend You know his face. You know his face. And if you're listening right now, you're up. You're fucking a bunch of- Yeah. Alright, he did. He cried when I hit him. But then my buddy beat up his Irish friend and was like dancing to Jig on his face, right? No. And the Irish guy gets up and he's gushed in blood and he's like, oh, good fight. He was like, he was like, he was like so nice about it, but he's just like bleeding out of it. So, the documentary wasn't knuckle? Yeah, yeah, that's what it was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like bare knuckle fighting. Oh, yeah, the MMA guy. That was the best. The after they beat the shit of each other, they were like hands what it was yeah, yeah, like bare knuckle fighting. Oh, yeah, that's what I was the best They have to they beat the shit of each other. They're always like handshake. They good job man That's right. That's like videos like the promo videos. They send each other. Yeah Yeah, it's the best All right, amateur point you never got arrested here. You've been arrested deeper never been arrested I fucking dare the cops to arrest me too. I'm arrested twice. Yeah, I listen twice. Yeah, you for what for what?

Weed one time. Like, Salina? No, it's just an idiot to know my rights. And you didn't know. That's right. That's right. I was in high school. Yeah.

And like, we're at a spot where kids would smoke weed. And then the cops came up on us. And he's like, do you have weed in? We're like, no, no, no. They're like, we're not going to leave you. We'll get out of the car and we'll get out of the car. And I was like, I just had like this little, I showed him like a little bit, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there yeah and they tell the people in the car like what the fuck are you doing and I'm like I Guess I didn't pay attention to that was the most trouble The most trouble I got it with the cops in America was I peed in public in Lovila and

That they they gave me a summons and they had to go to court I got a court had to get a lawyer because they wanted to give me probation because there's an indecent exposure out there It's like a big deal especially with your it was it was yeah I was noticing earlier. It is Hefty matches the ass for sure. Yeah, and then they want to give me probation And this is like I was I didn't do comedy. I've just graduated college I was trying to get a real job. Yeah, no, like it's gonna show up on every job application My parents will flip on out like you got to get this taken care of I wonder if it's sex

Hey, Lloyd. Do you have to be a I think it is now. I think no, I wonder if it's sex. Hey, a lawyer. Do you have to be a right? I think of it now I think no I think if you were Wasn't in school was by a fucking train track That I Long railroad the line railroad. I just taking a piss. Yeah, people pass. I was like I was I thought it was in a big deal I was the cop I The cop was like get get over here and I was like what he's like you just peed and I was like Yeah, all right. What's the big deal? I peed my peed and they're like yeah, you can't do that. And I was like okay

I remember getting the summons had I called the court the next day and they're like yeah You got to come to court this Monday day? You have to it was a pain the ass like four months to fucking get rid of it We had this local bar. We used to go to in college and there was literally a corner in the back and we would We didn't want to wait in line. We just go and pee in the corner We would get all the guys to block because we were just pissed there I love yeah in college. Yeah, you know, you're just fucking straight dog Yeah, I had a friend Olivia who had a wicked long dick and he would pretend he was tying his shoelaces

And he would just throw his fucking rope dick out and piss wherever he was Pretending to tie his laces He also did the helicopter dance for us. It was beautiful Yeah, we were going to the car like the clubs would get out We would just like open the door and I would just piss and then we just hop in the car and leave yeah Yeah, one and done. Yeah, you got to do it But I want one of those things that you could put on your vagina We love them. Yes, it looks like a penis. You could just go wherever I funnel

Yeah, the funnel but then so the girls can piss where you gonna put on your vagina, or a little p- Yes, it looks like a penis, you could just go wherever. It's a funnel. Yeah. But then, so the girls can p- Where are you gonna put it? I mean, only the- I'll keep you wearing it. No, but you'll just keep it. When you're not used to it. Oh, I'll put it on my first.

You'll put it on my first. I mean, there's a big hand. I'm just a dazzler, just a dazzler and then put on your head, yeah. Only the classy broad zone that, you know. Yeah, right? Anyway, it really does suck being a woman like that. There's nothing-

Oh, life is uncomfortable. Please, yeah. What periods? I think about- Dude, I got my period on the wedding the other night. Right? The other person does suck being woman like there's nothing. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, her sister I'm like you're gonna fucking tampon I had a meter in the bathroom like a drug deal yeah yeah I'm a little bit of a fucking wedding because I'm bleeding down my leg oh no it's a lot but like but that's the thing is that women have to figure that out at like anywhere like starting from like 11 to 13 or 14 like a woman has to at some point figure out how to negotiate bleeding out of her vagina and living in like a complex social First of all they could you have to wear heels measure walking in heels as a guy. I love oh, I mean yeah, no, I mean I really do Everything Whole life is just uncomfortable. Yeah, just being uncomfortable all the time

I'm very happy being a man Yes, I am okay, it's easier. Yeah, cuz I'm you you're not oh, I'm definitely Yeah, Jay I forgot Maran did you get circumcised later in life or at birth? Very interesting question. Oh, because the depu, yeah. I was born in London. Born in London. I was born in London.

So I didn't get circumcised. I was born in the first birth. I was born in. And then I got circumcised at like five or six. She's it. And I had to like, I remember wearing a diaper and pissing myself like it was awful. But a friend of mine turned in Uish like later in life

like in our 30s and I took him to get circumcised and I let him recover and recuperate on my couch. That's a big surprise. That's how long he's there to recover. Like three days. Three days his call was a mess. Do you know he could have just got circumcised and not become Jewish? Like I like the idea of him.

I just want to get the skin off my dick how can I do it and have an alibi Oh, I know I like my foreskin I just you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, alibi dick. No, it was like he could he suddenly became very serious about becoming Jewish And he chopped his cock and and he is another one with a mammoth dick He chopped his cock and he is another one with a mammoth dick Is deep who you're not As an adult you're not you're not where your people from does it smell it can smell Yeah, I I have sex with this cellist once and I grabbed his cock and he was like it was my first uncut dick He was like are you sure you want to do that? I haven't showered in like four days.

And I was like, I'm like, my dick can go un-shoured for four days. Like, you can still give someone that. But you can't put a dirty dick in China. I did. No, no, you most certainly can't. But then I grabbed this uncut penis and it was just slimy and it was just, is that smug mouth?

I don't think that was the fourth guy. I think he has some bays in four days. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So he's like, I'm so much before me to hang on. So he's like, I've heard you of this incubator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of four skin.

Do you know what I mean? Like otherwise it would just get rubbed off on the underwear. No, this is like a flesh cocoon of cheese. Of cheese. Of cheese. It is a fromagerie. And I know you keep yourself clean. I can tell, I'm mother in those things. Oh. Thank you. I know these did you still suck it?

No, I like I kicked him out of my house and I just sleep like with my hand hanging off my bed like one of the children of the corn I was like it was this radio active fucking fucking It was the worst and like I couldn't wash it off like no chemical industrial, but nothing got the smell of this fucking dirty cock off. Oh, it's like a skunk. Which I'm totally PTSD about. Yeah, I'm gonna be the one who's gonna be the two of you. You know what you're gonna do? I'm gonna do it on his hand.

Like I'm even now, I'm feeling like, like, like, gaggy, yeah, yeah, chellis. Ugh, chellis. The balls on him though, like, one and a half seconds and like, yeah, having to wash my dick in four days. Oh, no, no He he he warned me he was like no, no, we don't Why wouldn't I I've like had sex with girl multiple girls in a day and I think had to wash my dick off of course

You're in between in between because I'm like fucking nervous that you're thinking to smell fucking other bad Is on it. Why wouldn't he why wouldn't he go to that brand up? Brand up it was like in the moment and he was like heads up. I like need a wash. And I didn't know what that meant for an uncut cock. I was a puppy myself. You know what I mean? So I was like, it's fine.

Let's not like ruin the moment. And I just didn't know what I was in for. And he was even trying to be a nice person for whatever it's worth. Mo Wesson learned, huh? Yeah, no. And fairness, every vagina smells like a cellist. LAUGHTER

That was just a group. Totally. I ate one pussy. It just hit my... It's a real... You ate one pussy. Yeah, but that's not a big subset. 24?

Why? You were already gay before. She, she, uh, very gay. Like, at that point, I was like... You over gay. Why? You were already gay. She she out very gay like that point I was like I was like three or four people a day like it was like in like the the spring time of my voodoo and I was beautiful like a weaponized and But this girl like she kind of seduced me. She brought over about a la vodka kept getting me drunker and drunker kept making out with me And I'll make out with anything. I make out with everything. And then eventually she shoved her pussy in my face and her pussy.

And I morbid curiosity, I went to town. I went to Coney to town. Did you know, did she like it? Or she was? Because I was such a sloppy, I'm a sloppy ass eater and I just pretended it was butt. So I like flop it. I went bananas in there. So I spit. Oh, she had a great, no and I just pretended it was butt. So I like flop it. I like I went bananas in there.

So I spit. Oh, she had a great no. I wasn't spit like like tidy it. Shh. You know what I mean? Just outside of tidy. Like but full face. You know what I mean?

Like my eyebrow. You did the job. I went bananas on it. But and it wasn't it's I know I couldn't I didn't get hard. It wasn't for me. I know right Yeah, you try everything like you would know Rahul oh she had a great. I don't know if she came or not Hammer and um how are your knees?

That's that night probably contributed to later on my My one and only orgy It was slow the slow birds probably contributed to later on my work. I want to know me or she's going to fucking hell. It was slow. The slow birds. Yeah. It all started. But no, but pussy doesn't, I

think it's her pussy was, I remember it and everyone else, you tell me what you have, how you think of pussy. But I, I remember it is like a sugarless cereal like kicks or something like that was or like french fries. Yeah, there really is no

french fries. There's no like taste a specific taste Do you know what I mean like if it were unsalted? Okay, like it's just like it was like a neutral starch. What's up? It doesn't taste more like nickels Like a neck like a tinny. Yeah. Well that's like the blood. That's like the blood. Yeah, you're already.

I think you would down in a girl in a hurry. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know what cut yourself. I'm a trooper You've went down on a girl's your period. Yeah, maybe not like middle of the period But like you know on the front end back end of it. It could have been after you fucked her with your nickel dick It's more like a dime dick. Oh, I love you than the March of Dimes. Yeah. Whoa. You are so good at hitting on people. Really?

Yeah, that's very smooth. The first time I met you, you did. Better than Tidet. Look at me and go, what, like this here. Yeah, what? What? I pay anyone a compliment. Right?

I just met you and I'm like, you know what I'm like. You don't get a fucking say to anybody. I had a good night. I was feeling good about my stuff as that. But it's like, if Jay, he's a cutie, do you know what I mean? Like there's nothing right? You have a story. I get on you.

Like I actually will leave him. You have a story about me and Minerun. I do. I do? No, he... I had a weird interaction with you a couple weeks ago. You probably don't remember it, because it was such a small thing. I drink a lot.

He got an interaction with gay men. I think. I did. Did it taste like nickels? No, no, no. So I watched Peter Payne one night and I watched this dude go up and he was trying to like really be an out. He's like a young comic. He wanted to kill so bad, you know, and he was trying to be like an alpha male in the

room, but it just totally backfired, right? And I was thinking in his position, maybe I would have started taking shots at the domination, dominatrix on stage you know i'd have heard the energy and i asked marana couple days later like what do you think about that approach and then uh... you were like you you kind of thought like all you must be just some young blood just doesn't know anything uh... and uh... you start you came to the dominatris defense you're like don't even attack her never never know but

like in general you don't do that not only because she will react violently to you but she is don't even attack her. You would never, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that, or less girls, certain strippers, they don't, like, they're not courting people to fuck with them, and they usually have one or two people around who will make sure no one's fucking with them.

And so if you were to go and go after the Domina Tricks, one, it would be suicide on stage just as a comic. Really? Even the crowd is automatically on her side. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, the time. It would backfire unless it was fucking hilarious. Right, it would be sad. Oh, yeah. Oh, the time. It went backfire.

And last it was fucking hilarious. Right. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, but I go. Do you have the same dominatrix every show or you rotate? For the last few we have. Yeah, I mean, we're going to hopefully start going twice a month. And next couple of months.

They had a serious show. Was like, you're going to record the show and it's gonna come out on serious? You recorded two episodes, I actually heard a commercial for it today, which is actually pretty cool. Yeah. And it starts airing, I think the second week in October on Friday nights on RawDug. And then, that's great. Yeah, it's really awesome. And then the next one's October 21st that we're doing and then hopefully in New Year.

What's the month? Right, right now. Well right now it's once a month. And then I think we're gonna go buy monthly and then bring on the road starting next year Okay, you can ask a question. What happened with the other five hosts for four They're my closet First toast It was the dude Yeah Brooklyn bridge It was the dude who I thought yeah Brooklyn bridge

Made in third the first dude Cuz I thought I was like number two Someone lasted like a show or two but the first guy he was up He was there when I thought of the idea, so then he was like I'm like all right come on Let's co-host together and then he moved to LA and then I had a girl co-hosting with me and then she like, was she a comic or was she a comic and then she started like not doing stand-up anymore and then I was like I can't have someone who's like not on stage constantly. And then signed fell. And then Rock followed side fell.

And then Louis had a gate but check who actually hosted like a couple with me and then just didn't work out and then Speaking of gate and then we had Lisa and Jerked off to her plenty of time I met her at so many times she came to the show I did paid her pain I met her and took a picture with her and I jerked off that night I was like yeah, cuz you feel like you're dating her. Yeah, like you're dating her. Yeah, it was kind of cool She told me I was funny and I was like oh my dick got hard. I was like She's very nice Cool, yeah, we did it for a year, but she like it's like basically famous, right?

I mean, yeah, it's room. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, it's not like a comic. No porn famous for sure. porn famous is definitely a comic comic comic, you know And then after Lisa and the Korean host that a couple times times to help out. And then, and then Miran's been on a full time since when July. Yeah, yeah, I love it. I, for me, it's like, I love a good carnival show. I mean, like, I love, like the abuse I love, like that there's this, like, you know,

ladies zombie shows up with like her titties up and her hair right and the outfit is snatched. She looks amazing. And she brings out her toys. There's like, we give away sex toys to the audience. It's more fun than I think of. It's like a party. I never had in a show.

Because that's the regular stand-up comedy. It's different. It's spectacular. There's all this fucking crazy show. There is the opener and closer of the show is always like a season You need to get someone to to set the bar and to cleanse the palette Jay has this format exactly right and then the games are fun like last time we did a like we placed sound bites last Some was a different animals fucking unity guess which animals are fucking that's

Hard that's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, they get him right That's hilarious Yeah, they get him right I'm sorry to give you If I think of choices you would never be like gas a turtle fucking it's like oh no, I know what a turtle sounds Yeah, hold on how the fuck do you know this I thought napping turtle fuck So it was cruising past the maddites man. Yeah It's like 50 shades of gray is that like child's play to you. Is that like? I never saw the movie interesting question. Well one in general 50 shades of gray is kind of child's play. Yeah. Well, we had the electricity thing last show.

And she turned it up, and she like shocked him. I was like, let me touch it. In general, if someone's getting a shake kicked out of them, I'm always like, give me one so I know what you're doing to them. It also, it's the audience feel a little safe, right? So I touched the, have you ever put your fingernailite socket or been an electric you're talking about? This was like four or five times worse than that. Like it was very, very electric. Like you want to know something weird though? Like every time I find four times

worse than an electric socket. You're talking to the ghost of moron right now. So the guy bombs the guy bombs what do you like hot constant? The guy bombs we have like two guests and we go to them for feedback because like sometimes Someone kills off hack shit, and I'd like a regular comic to be like I don't know what you guys were laughing at that, but that was like the most elementary shit ever Yeah, so the two guests comment on the comedian and then the audience has final vote and they make no they cheer for paid or pain. Yeah. And then if it's paid they get paid for their set and then if it's paying, uh, zombie has a deck of pain, some cards and then she picks the card and there's now a torture called Miran's choice. That's where you just fuck them. Oh my god we should do that.

Brake morons need. Well no they were like definitely do the violet wand. The last time they were like if it comes to me I was choice and violet wand hasn't come up. That's definitely do it. This is clearly it's like an expensive piece of fucking sex equipment that chit like it has an inexpensive piece of fucking sex equipment that, like, it has the electricity of a house in this fucking thing. That is insane. When we walked up to the club, everyone, they're like FaceTime live, like, two videos already,

and they were just shocking people in the green room. So after the show, I had to take it home, because I didn't want to leave it there. Yeah, where do you shop? Yeah, that's where we leave it around New York City, come on. Yeah, I know, that's what you do, right? I am not- You shock them on the back, what do you use? So she, there was a chain piece to it, and then there it around New York City, come on. That's the way you go, right? I am not. You shock him on the back. What do you use?

So she, there was a chain piece to it, and then there was like a skillet, like a spatula. And then she was running the spatula up and down his back and down his arm. Oh, so the whole time? I could hold this thing for a fraction of a second. I couldn't touch it. And if it's like she was, she was.

She was, she was like a spark. Oh my god. So the whole time, so it's like two or three seconds, she's on the back. So then I was like, does anyone in the audience want to feel what this look, what this is like? And like when I got off stage, zombie's guy was like, Marron, you can literally never do that again.

Like these people have to sign waivers. If someone who's on a pacemaker would have killed him. Like he, I got this wrong like he I want any presses good press Guy dies in your comedy club show fucking nice So it's so it is vlogging paddling we have like hot wax or super hot I see the paddling I see the paddling and then like take a knife and like take the hot wax off them There's like humiliation. There's a saran wrapping someone up. There's clothes pins She puts on them and then rips the clothes pin waterboarding

That's a good idea Lauren's getting excited about this dude with saran wrap and then drew hearts on his tits Yeah Took a rider's crop and actually hit him. Laura, would you do the show? You're a new color. I would do it. Oh, yeah. We would love to have you.

Yeah. And I sort of got that. So I'm learning my part of it, too. Like, the second show we had, it was like, the audience was pretty hot to like see the comic fail. But it's one thing to like want to punish them after their set. It's another thing to pay them dust. Oh, I know. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I anyway. Love her. And she got Heather Height.

I don't know. She does like, don't work and stuff like that. And she was bent over the stool with like, special paddling panties on. Really? Yeah, dude. She got hit so hard where it like echoed in the room in your room. Wait, can I tell you something?

If school was a pinch me right now I'd be like oh my god out like during sex. I don't feel it. I love you. You know what I mean? So you're saying marons got to fuck you during What you make back hog I don't know how I'm disease free but I Will see in an hour. Yes. No, I'm just going to be on Facebook and I'll get you on the show as for sure. But she's a new comic.

She's only done it like five or six times. Well, you need five minutes to two. She has 30 seconds. She has 30 seconds. I want the audience to, while the comic is doing their set, to give that comic every chance to succeed. Right. Do you know what I mean? And then afterwards bury them.

You know what I mean? So that's a... Yeah, we don't know like any heckling. We're just like, if you have something to say, say it to us and like be quiet. But sometimes someone will just eat shit. And then you hear, Peeee on stage like just start becoming punch back This is like Roman times There are their King Jaffrey that's it. Yeah, that's who the audience and I'm like you should have a king It's a little blonde hair boy that just does that

That's me I was sitting in a corner my throne I was sitting in a corner my throne You would be great After the audience votes and then they're like they're like the crowd meter and the returns to them and he's just like yeah That'd be hilarious. I do the thing I go up. I go up. He's getting that I go like that I do this thing in a big lady. I go up, I go up, but he's getting that. I go like that. That's perfect.

Should be on stage or like, I know on New York, come to the side, to the side in the corner. And the light just comes on. And it just, and then the light goes off again. It's like, we're in a little support in television. You put the corner and it goes on. Yeah, I have to, you know.

I got to get one of Dante's rings and just put it on my hand. I'm just going to put it on my hand Alright, so I think that's gonna wrap up the post show tonight. Thank you guys for coming on the whole entire show Just say when the show is again October 21st Peter Pan you get it at New York comedy club.com and we are at New York comedy club once a month Yes, I have a show there too cold beer. It's great show. New York County Club is coming one of the best clubs in the city. Awesome. I was really impressed.

Yeah. Next one is October 9th at 7 p.m. New York County Club. It's called Chicken Salad. It's either chicken or salad. It's great. We either get this chicken or salad. It's crazy.

It's a bit. And then, uh, can I play a little show? Yeah, it's a plucks my style. And then, uh, Saturday, at UCB East, I have a show. It's crazy. It's a bit. And then, can I play more show? Yeah, I have a plug some stuff. And then, a Saturday, a UCB East, I have a show called It's a Long Story, $5, at 11.30, this Saturday, it's a September 24th. Storytelling show. Comedy Storytelling show.

Yeah, there's jokes in there. There's jokes, though. Yeah, maybe one. I know what your Twitter? Andrew T. Colin on Instagram and Twitter That's it. All right. Good. You guys Yeah, they know the deal they know the deal with us. Thank you so much for having us. Oh, Iran. Iran X MEH RAN like tavern on the capital of Iran and then the letter X because Malcolm X and revolution and black power

Okay I just show X back con volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, numentos, rincones de película y un sincindia aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Tarifa sujetas a disponibilidad. Consulta las condiciones en volotea.com.