Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Steve Rogers

Episode Date: August 21, 2022

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Pizza. ¿Suéñas con un futuro más allá de los estudios de grado? Gracias a las becas de post-grazo en el extranjero, de la Fundación La Caixa, puedes estudiar en las mejores universidades y centros de investigación del mundo. Tu talento te mueve. Solicitate a tu beca en Fundación la Caixa.org. show And you know what dude what's up everybody it's me Jibori the dude oh shit if you saw the lesson the fact that I'm doing this up here at this high level Of this I need another light. Oh Fuck me

Please it was a very high level Fucking high level the fact that I'm doing this up here and high level. The fact that I'm doing this up here and I mean the King of Zoom is still fucking rocking with with great sound, my DJI's and my GH5, I mean Chris, I got a light but I mean I take a lot okay. So I hope you guys appreciate this show. I'm up here Scruffy Barbie, that's correct, Scruffy Bobby. And what's up, Melissa? How are you? One of the beautiful ladybugs, Bobby, you look skinny.

Well, I'm not skinny, but I'm thinner. I ran into a gypsy up here and I pissed her off. She helped me out a little bit. She gave me AIDS, we fucked in the words. And I got dirty gypsy AIDS. And it's the best kind of AIDS if you're looking to lose weight. So anyways, we have a very special guest today. I know that his self-esteem just went, who?

We have a lot of fucking, no, very, very, very special guests today. Because he's, he's friends with really funny comics. I mean, as I could say that about me too. So he's the worst. He knows a lot of famous people. Give it up for Steve Rogers, everybody. Haven't had him on a long time. Apparently he's in the storage room of his day job. What's the boxes behind you? What's up, Steve?

Well, the issue is like my area is great, but it's behind the camera. And then this is my fiancee's stuff. So it's all this is her box. Well, you're going gonna have to tell you fiance to get her shit together because or get a blanket. Do something. So I look like a fort. I'm just like,

I mean, you look like you're fucking taking a break at Staples right now just to run into this podcast. Anyways, I'm just here to talk about Vista Print for a second. That's really why. Yeah, Vista Print really does make a difference. Thank you so much for having me. And thank you for climbing up.

You climbed a ladder to do this pocket. I did. I climbed the ladder behind me because it's, it, it's, people don't understand that it takes, it doesn't, the, the, the, so many, why, I fucking hate wires. Oh yeah. I'm a wire fucking dirt ball. I like technology, but they haven't figured out how to make the wires.

I like, you know, like people have the iPhone cord, I have a cord with every single plug on it. USB-C. Oh, you got like the octopus thing. Micro USB, regular USB, two iPhone things, because I don't like cords. I fucking hate them. Yeah.

I want everything wireless. Give me a fucking tumor right in the side of my head. I'll die at 72, but at least I want to wireless, give me a fucking tumor right in the side of my head, how diet 72. But at least I want to have the stress and the aneurism at 58 for untangling wires. I mean, my wife steals my wires. Oh my God. I had five phone chargers when I started dating my fiance and I'm down, I had to buy a new charger. Like she stole each one when she lost hers. Women are not good.

They're not, they're fucking thieves. Yeah, who's kind of the poor thieves? Like even when they give birth, we cut the cord. Like we're handling the wires the entire time. Yeah, we have to cut the cord. We're gonna deal with that poop shootin' out. And then pretend like that never happened. We have to pretend like, hey, that's birth.

I don't know, it's not birth. It's disgusting. Leave me out of it. Then you want me to go down there again. The last time I was here, I'm telling you, dude, it's it's not a, they're not good people. I love you. I know we have women in the chat. I love all of you, but you're not good people. You know, you're my wife. Steven, may I call you Steven? Please. I figured that's what you wanted.

Oh, I don't care. Steven, I got to do something real quick, Steven. My wife, my wife, just stay right there, Steven. You don't move. I'm going to move on. I have another 30 minute break. So we're going to like, they go to light. They go as a fucking light right there.

Hang on, Steven. I've never seen a host last. No. Hang on, Steven. Just fucking stay right there. I'm hugging shit and I'm getting this righteous. You know what they should do for wires is everything that has a cord should have the, like, the iron button where it retracts them.

What do you mean? You know how you have an iron? Like when you iron stuff and you hit the button and the chord comes right back into the iron. That's no good. It's no good. Why? It's no good.

I'll tell you why it's no good. Because once that thing breaks, you have to throw the whole fucking thing up. You understand? So it's just no good. How are you breaking it? Well, I would do it because that thing, everything is meant to break.

They don't make shit not to break. They make shit not to break in like the 20s. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, they don't make shit not to break now. They want it to break. They want you to come back and buy another fucking zippy. And you know, I mean, they don't make shit not to break now. They want it to break. They want you to come back and buy another fucking zippy.

And you know, I mean, Apple doesn't make, Apple's made the same. Literally, they went back and made a phone. They made eight years ago. That's the new iPhone 13 and this new camera. Bad, nobody gives a fuck about megapixels, okay? We were taking photos with a guy who had a whole the fucking bone.

He's fucking 70 years. Nobody gives a shit, okay? And then this fucking dummy at Apple, oh, this money grub, he's a grub. He's a grub. He comes off as a as a as a As like oh, I am a Samaritan. I I give to know you give to nobody. You make us buy dongles I have to buy a certain dongle for my iPad and another one for my iPhone

Right, who do you? They don't give me the power cube anymore. No, they don't You gotta go buy something to make your phone work. Thank you for showing me to, I have not seen the new guy until just now. Oh, the new guy stinks. I mean, Apple is having like CEOs that are like their phones.

They all look the same, just a little. They're all thin and they do the same exact shit. And you know, people, Steve Jobs is the best. He was the tyrannical nightmare, but he got shit done. He's the guy who pushed smart people to make great stuff. Yes, I doesn't want anybody to do anything because he knows where cattle were sucked in. Moo. We're going to buy the new phone because it's easy. And then by 75,

15 dongles here, the plug iPads and iPhones in and my stupid MacBook, stupid, you got to buy a separate one for that. He speaks. I hope he hangs himself like David Caradine and a closet with one of his dongles, one of his high-levels. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Mochie, were we going to get kicked off the internet for that? No, I think everyone agrees with you on that. Yeah. Oh, good. Even YouTube. I get bounced. I get all my stuff gets whacked every week. So I'm glad you're on because you're Steven Rogers, Captain America. Yes. And you are. I mean, you're your little brother that didn't get all the chromosome, but you're Captain America before he got the injection. Yeah. The only thing they gave me is the helmet. Yeah, the other guy that keeps getting rejected into the army.

That's literally like, they show the body and they're like, they had to put his head on like a weak person. I'm like, I'm that body. I can't wait to stop setting. You could have just played him. And then he could have came out as gorgeous Chris Evans. God is he good looking. He, I mean, it's crazy. Yeah, he's really good looking beautiful. And that, that knew the gray movie or whatever that was.

Gray man, gray man. Oh my God. So good. It's amazing. I was talking about it. It's so, yeah, there you are. Right. That should be your head shot.

That's you. Yeah, there you are. That should be your head shot. It's literally. I probably have that outfit. I'm a fucking wife. You're getting married, right? Yeah. This sounds like it's going to.

You're going to tell me, uh, this is a good decision. How old are you? I'm 30. Okay, you're 30. Yeah, I mean, listen, dude. It sounds like a doctor about to tell me some horrible news. You're about to get cancer. No, I mean, it's, I look, I love my wife. I've never known that I love her life. And I mean, at this point though,

she's so embedded into my, there's no getting her out. I mean, I would have to just cheat on her with like, like a dang cookage girl. You know what I mean? Like 19, 19 and a half. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know exactly. I have to ask you this, is this a good sign? I was making the bed the other day.

Oh, fucking cuck. I know, but I made the bed and while I'm making it, she's not even home. I'm hearing her tell me I'm doing it wrong. Oh my God, dude, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine in marriage. Dude, you little,

oh dude, you guys like you should be married. 100% just a knife. I'm just doing it. And she's like, really, That's how you're doing it. Oh, dude, you make me sick of my stomach. I wish I married you. You make it better every day and just worry about what I think. I married a fucking chick from average.

She's a ballbuster. I just bought a blue truck. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted an F-150. I wanted a man's truck, a bigger truck. What's wrong with the blue truck. Cause yeah, yeah, I wanted an F150. I wanted a man's truck, a bigger truck. What's wrong with the blue truck? She, you know, exactly dude, are you, maybe you should marry my wife.

That was real good. Did your girl know these things about you that you made your bed and worried about what she's thinking? When she came home, she was like, she was, you do the thought I, I don't know, like I, I taught a chimp sign language. She couldn't believe that I made the bed. She was just like, it made her entire day. Well, that's my theory. One of my, my suggestions to married men. Don't clean. Don't do the dishes. Let her get annoyed with it. And then it's like fucking clean up.

I'll go higher and made. Right. I ain't doing it. I'll get a person to do stuff. I'm not doing it. I picked my life along the way you picked me and this is what me is about. Yeah. So if you don't like it, I don't you don't have to do it, but I'm gonna I'll get a mate because I'm not doing it all the time and then Every once in a while come home and clean the house do the dishes make the bed Dude, I did that one time my She literally started crying like I proposed to her again like like I mean like I just gave her a diamond ring or she found out we're having a baby boy. I mean, she started leaping. She came in, she was like, did you, did you clean the house? Thank you, baby,

so much. That's where you want to be. That's pretty great. Yeah, you know, yeah, Dickey's never clean because you're mad. Yeah, yeah. And if you ever did, you'd lose your shit, Melissa. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if Dickey came home and started doing this, amazing. That's amazing. Should he take a picture of it and make it an engagement post or a pregnancy post where they hold the picture of the sonogram on the family. I think they did post it.

Like, oh, my husband cleaned the house. How happy was I? It was a day in her life. When she's dying, she's going to be on the death bed. Baby, what? Thank you for cleaning that thing. Haha, clean this bed after I'm dead. Show them how good you are.

Clean this bed after I shit my pants and shit my pants. Haha, like I gave birth. Well, that's the problem. That's what I'm thinking about now is that we're, we're in a great stage of life right now, where I'm really enjoying my family, even though she gets on my nerves. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I mean, they both do. Right. But she does, you know, of course. But great stage of life, Lest, I love being around them. And now it's every, it it's like you know what it is It's like when the song it's like right now in life around 50 51 is like August the end of August Where you still get a couple hot days, but all of a sudden that cold wind comes in one day

And it slowly gets the, you know, darker out there and darker out at, you know, and all of a sudden it's 830 and it's, then it's 8. And then September comes rolling in around 55. Right. Yeah, around and then around 60 is around fucking November, December. We still have some holidays. Yeah. November December. We still have some holidays. Yeah. And then around 65, 70 is January February. February is death. February is death. I just fucking just dark out when you wake up, dark out at four. You don't want to go for walks.

I wish February wasn't black history month because of how much I hate February. I can't complain about how much I hate February. Wow. Wow. Wowie. For me, is that like you cut that? Can I just put that up? Is that hate forever?

I hate that. I want, I want like history month, I want, I want, I want, I like, so I can be like, I want black history, I want to be like, June, July. I want it to be a great month. Not a good word. When's gay month? That's June. Yeah, the gay is not giving that up.

Ha ha ha ha. It's not a dick thing that we gave them. We gave Black History Month a month and we put it, it is terrible. We gave him February. It's the worst month. It's the most depressing month. Yeah. And then some Republican, I'll do it,

but I'll only give him February. Ha ha ha ha. We already gave those, we already gave those queries June, man. Ha ha ha ha. What's next? Trans fucking August, it ain't happening. Yeah, the women got March. What do you want from me? Yeah, yeah, mine. Do you want another reason why?

Yes. Why would they get February? Yeah, go ahead. Apparently it's because black communities used to celebrate Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass' birthday, which are both in February. Okay. They didn't think that out, did they? Isn't there somebody black in July? I think NLK's in May. Yeah, do May.

Let's change this. May's beautiful. May is, I love spring. May is wonderful. I mean, I love spring. May's wonderful. I mean, that's my birthdays in May. I'll give them May. I don't care about my birthday. Well, this is right.

They only get, they get 29 days. They only get a full 31 days. It's insane. It's a, that was a dig. That was a, I want to change it to May. Let's try to, let's two white guys, one of them is gone. I'm lost. Let's try to change it. Let's try to let's two white guys want to change it. Let's try to change

it. Let's try to make this happen. We'll get grassroots. Let's not use the word roots. We'll get it together. We know some black comics. We'll work it out. I got to tell you the only white guy in New Hampshire is saying a positive thing about my people right now. Dude, I tell you what? That's not true anymore. Yeah, New York. It's in January. What's in January? MLK's birthday. I don't know. You're asking a fucking guy in a stock room right now.

When we just shipped out all the calendars. That's why I don't. Okay, all the comic calendars you guys didn't use the holiday every year. I know there's something in May. I swear. Maybe I'm gonna get in May. I mean, we believe you, the stuff in May, we get you. MLK's B-Day is in January. Yeah. There's a Friday 13 is in January. Yeah. I would say. There's a Friday, Thursday,

and then February. Oh. Oh, you saw it. Oh, is that, that, that, that has to do with it? Anyways. Your hair is out of control, by the way. I sprinted here. I saw it ghost.

Backwards. Why is it going forwards? You're in a, you're in a good stage of life, buddy, because you still got a little hair, but it's starting to wean. Right? You're starting to look and you're like, I got that hairline isn't what it was last year. Now you're going to start doing this stuff. You're going to do this flicking.

It's becoming like that forest where like there's still bunches of trees, but you can see all the way to the back of the forest. Like they're not close together. So it's thinning. You can see my whole head. It's not great. Yeah, pretty soon it's going to look like a forest fire ripped through that forest and little tiny trees and growing out. And everything else is just dust. Trust me, dude. It's at this stage of life right now, if you're gonna cheat on your fiance, do it now and she'll never know.

Listen, she'll never know. She'll never know. Do I look like I can be guilt to myself? I'm just saying, you're not gonna, at my age, you're not gonna be able to do it. No. No. Cause you get rat. Dude, chill smell it on you. The dog will rat me out. I mean, you know, this is your dog. Dog have a signal it does when it, my dog, this fucking doodles, this dog,

it's her dog. And she smells, she can smell dirty pussy from a hundred yards away. I Came home one night she was barking I went to a strip club roof She ran right up to sniff me like I had bacon in my fucking asshole. She's just sniffing sniffing. I can't go to massage polish She'll she'll smell it. She'll smell that dirty finger that's been in my butt She'll smell it. She'll smell that dirty finger that's been in my butt But you're getting married dude, and it's gonna be this the 30s are fun I'm liking your 30s with her. Yeah, gold places do things. Yeah, we went to Costa Rica It was in safe. We got a good place. Don't go fucking, we're gonna

study South America. What are you fucking it? Anarchy, all I just do. I couldn't even say the word. Shit! Archaeologist. Archaeologist. Yeah, we found the arc of the

covenant. It was pretty great. Now, how is Costa Rica? Costa Rica is amazing. Saw sloths. It was really cool. What? First of all, can we stop with the sloth? Come on, sloths are amazing. Sloths are stupid.

They take forever to tell a joke. Sloth is the stupidest animal ever. It's a slow, porcupine. Fuck. Sloth. Sloth is the stupidest animal ever. It's a slow porcupine. Fuck. Mush, have that ready. I just figured out a sloth telling Steven right jokes. Porcupine, porcupine, porcupine, por and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, I think they're great. What is good about a sloth that dumps slow hands? I love the slow moving stuff. It's like, as a New Yorker, you're like, man, that's the goal right there to have to just know where to be.

Like, that's the perfect pacing. Dude, that's called depression and mountain illness. You're going through. You're in a room of boxes, okay? You can't even desert. You got a studio and you can't even make it look nice. You're still yelling. You're in a room of boxes, okay? You can't even desert. You got a studio, and you can't even make it look nice. You're still yelling, yeah. You're worried about her fucking. You're not making the bed right? You're engaged to this girl, so it's gonna happen.

You know way out. Yeah, you're in a fucking spot right now. So when you see a sloth, you're like, that's my life. I would love to just sit in the tree and move a half an inch a day. I would love to just sit in the tree and move a half an inch a day In the tree that's not a good outlook. You should be a tiger a tiger is cool A monkey's great. We saw monkeys. That was so damn cool Monkeys are cool a slot. There's a fucking monkey on heroin. I Stupid stupid animal. Yes, if you don't want to be the cup.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, you love soup. A double screw, please. God, that's a fuck animal. That was in my back yard out here. That's insane That's an animal that think in fucking shoot a spike in your face From a shoot them now they shoot them they shoot about I Didn't know they shoot oh my god. This is why you're so excited about the sloth You know nothing about animals and black people months This is why you're so excited about the sloth. You know nothing about animals and black people month

Yeah, say what people call it What is it called again? I'm an asshole excuse me don't cancel me. I had a fixed it. I think maybe or he's black kids three month May is black people month Yeah You fixed it. I think February's Black Kids 3 month May is Black people month. Yeah It's funny to me somebody else that wasn't me. I don't really care about you know I don't care about it But it's funny to me that you watch TV shows now and they make couples that don't exist You know what I mean? It's like a It's just it's like a know, a black dude with a white, a red-headed

Chinese half-white lady. It's like, guys, you know what I mean? You don't have, you can just put, put minorities in the show. You don't have to fucking make, I swear to God, it's like we're living in the show. You're not the fucking make. It's I swear to God, it's like we're living in the future. Like you ever see a space show? Yeah, you know, I'm watching a lot of the green chick with fucking gills on her cheek.

It's a kind of a little guild half white baby like avatar. Do you see the avatar? They have the little kid that didn't make it to be a full Avatar. He has a Scoob of Mask. He gets made fun of by the little blue Avatar kids. You know May is actually blue month. Is it really? So listen, you're getting married when? Is it really? So listen, you're getting married when? We don't have a date. We just got engaged and then have just started resting.

Did you get like sloths? I proposed that slowly. What? Oh. It's annoying. Wow. This stupid paw. You just did that. And I almost fucking kicked you out of this park. Stephen, they're the worst fucking animal ever. A sloth sucks. Anytime a sloth is made in appearance in a cartoon or a movie, it's always to frustrate the audience. Just.

That's true. Just sucky animal. And then people, ooh, if I ever saw a sloth in the road, I'd run it over. And I'd get it to hair and I'd make a wig feel. I mean, do people in the chat like a sloth? Please, please. I mean, we haven't heard one person defend one. I'm alone right now. You got them alone in a scary little depressing room. Sloth, exact, all sloths.

Dang. Perfect picture. What are you up to? People want me to see your cat. What's up with your cat? Oh, yeah. He's not in the room, but I can arrange that to happen. What, does he have a foster dad?

Ha ha ha ha. With the column, you're, we, I'll have him come in. What are you going to call him? Does he have a cell phone? I'm going to text him. You're going to text him come in. What are you going to call him? Does he have a cell phone? I'm going to text him. You're going to text him, Cat? Oh my God, I'm excited to see this beautiful cat. This is amazing.

Which I have two. The last time I was on, you saw Bowie, which is Devon Rex. And then this is a, what you're about to see is a hairless cat. And his name is Benny. And Benny and the Jets. Exactly. Now, I always fascinate me that people are so into music that they name animals after songs and musicians. I love, I mean, I'm a huge rock guy.

So I, and it was the only way I could, I can't like get anything. So I, the names of how I'm a huge rock guy. So, and it was the only way I could, I can't like get anything. So, the names are how I'm winning. Can I pause for real quick and ask you a question? Did you say you're a huge rock guy? Yeah. And you're calling out John Rock. I am 100% calling that rock. I'm not saying it's hard rock by any means.

But come on. It's pop. Okay, maybe it's pop rock by any means. But come on. It's pop. Okay, maybe it's pop. But there's rock to it. Rock is AC DC, rock is journey. Rock is Led Zeppelin. You're telling me journey's rock and harder than Elton John? Yes.

You don't stop believing. Okay, but that's like very similar joke. Don't interrupt me. I got to finish. Oh Yes, yes, I mean that's a bad song that shoes I guess but I mean all right. I mean I've seen the AC DC I've seen journey like a couple times. Okay, I'm gonna the couple times rock rush score Rob rock rock. Yes. I've seen Alice Cooper 15 times rock. Yeah, so like those are my favorites Okay, well you should have named them after fucking something out of that.

I lost all those, I mean, I lost, I tried Alice, I tried Alice. Alice, Bels, Angus, that would have been great. I know. Kills Bill. Next relationship. I'm trying, don't let the sun go down. Don't let the sun go down on this mangrove bush. I'm blowing you and I will be able to see your gizz hit me in the face.

Dude, whatever. I mean, dude, I gotta help you out. There, there's Benny. What, what do you have them in? Is that, is that, is that hay, or is that your carpet? Hahaha. Is that dirty hay? Is that a sheep? Are they sleeping on a sheep? What is that?

Hahaha. What is that? What is that? It's a rug. Where'd you get the rug? The garbage? Why is it black? Hahaha.

Why is it a, why is it a fucking dirty white? Well, you know it fits the owner, but it's I don't know she wanted that rug. I'm like I mean I made the bed for you. Yeah, you can have your rug What is it off white? It's off white. Yeah, you know, so It's off-white. Yeah, you know, it's a full rug. I knew it. I'm ugly. Is it a full rug like the whole apartment is an off-white? No, no, it's just the living room. Oh, okay. All right. I just spent most of my time. I can forgive that I mean listen to that hat looks that that cat looks sick. No, he's the best.

OK, why? You have it, listen, math. That cat, if, all right, listen, 100 years ago, if that cat was on the street, someone would kill it. Am I right or wrong? I mean, he was a starter. If that cat was in the movie, uh, that cat was a Spartan. It would be thrown over that,

that hill in that pit of shitty kids. That's actually how I found him. He had the cloak on and. Coming from the Eastern past. Oh, beat it. How bad is that? I'm going to be. I'm going to be.

I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. That's actually how I found him. He had the cloak on and they're coming from the Eastern pass. Ugh, beat it. How bad is that? They still told that fucking asshole to be, all right, get out of here.

You're not one of us, all right? You got no abs. You're the thing that you're about to eat your smell, your mouth smells. He probably showed up on the set thinking everyone was going to look like him. And he saw everyone looking hot. And he's like, what the hell? I'm the to be doing it on the set, thinking everyone was going to look like him, and then he saw everyone looking hot, and he's like, what the hell, I'm the ugly guy?

I'm going to fight the Persians with you. Fucking halitosis, you weird kid. You should have died on that hill. They should have had them getting distracted by him. Just like, they go to charge into the fight, and then they see that guy, and then they're like is he should he be fighting It seems like you should be detected this guy

Yeah, there's not side dude. Come on your cousin a cousin fucked a First cousin that's a first cousin bang right there. That's a hey Your uncle is my uncle Y es que, ¡hey! ¡Y tu uncle es mi uncle! Y si tienen un potato en ahí, también es un potato. dedicados a películas, series, gremene, realities y contenido infantil. BlutTV, ven a verlo, sin pagar nunca. But now you probably want to know what other shows are on the network. Well, they were checking out. So they got our family jewels, it's an awesome trivia-based drinking game podcast that you can play along from home. And it's right there on Guy Time's Feed. All right? The Guy Times Feed. Times Feed. Alongside of a dozen other messed up series for your enjoyment. Okay? So whatever your podcast interests are, check it out.

Wherever you get your podcast, Malik Jembs has over Malik Jembs has an ever growing variety of beautiful tungsten carbide rings. I have a hard time saying that. Carb- Carbide rings. I have a hard time saying that. Tungsten Carbide rings to fit any stylish version of your life. All right, you guys wanna look gaudy, you wanna look weird and uncomfortable like rich boss, they got you covered.

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websites. And I want to thank all the Patreon members. Make sure you go to patreon.com, such Robert Kelly, and become a supporter today. So you're getting engaged. You don't know when. You have a cat with HIV. You got, I hear the cat coming. Oh, really? How do you know it's coming? I can hear my fiance moving. Oh,

have I ever met you fiance? Is she coming in the room? Chimedian, Kate Wimpyloofo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been on the show. She's about to show, right? I don't know. Why didn't you have her on the show today too? I would have had her on the show. All right, well, you panel, you care more about your career than hers. I mean, she's doing better. I have to do my... How much is? I've got merch behind you. That is her stickers. Oh, it sucks that you have to do a show in front of her merch. Well, you know, wait, hold on. Hello. You're doing, you're doing gags with her stickers. Oh, man.

Do you have a sticker? You should have a sticker with you, you're a big hog. Oh, yeah. Well, they don't have enough material to make it. Oh, they do. They have to make you small. Just wrap it around me like the snake. Yeah, it's funny that everybody talks about your big packer.

I, because I'm losing weight, we'll talk about my packer. I saw my packer for the first time. Wow. In... Fuck. Years. Yeah. Was it like an eclipse? in... Fuck years. Was it like an eclipse? It was, it's just weird to see your dick again. Do you know what I mean? Like I spent most of my, you know, my teenage years, my 20s and 30s,

my dick was there. And then in my, you know, late 40s, 45, you know, he went away. He went, it was like Brad Pitt and, and the legends of the fall where he just, he was all the way and then come back and then go away and then come back. It's like those comic books when you think the character's dead and then it shows up and it's a big issue. Yeah. Yeah.

I came back and he had a tan like my penis. New costume. Yeah. It was like a little more red than I remember. I think I ruined my dick for being fat. I wonder if you book. I've ever heard one. I think what you say. That's a book book. I've ever heard one. I think what you say? That's a book title. If I've ever heard one. I know. I want to have my dick will come back. Like

if I get him some sun. You should leave like little treats out like at the at the end of the bush and then it just peeks out and crows. He said Steve could gain 400 pounds and still see his dick. Oh, I love blue. Hi, Lou. I have a story about the last time I was on. Yes, go ahead. You guys released the clip talking about my, my pecker. Every word I say revolving penis doesn't sound right, but anyways try try it Other word try penis penis Nope Tri-pecker try-pecker I don't say the eye say pecker pecker

We're almost there say cock Say I got this is your word, my shlong shlong. There you go. I think that's your word. That's right. That's all right. That's all good, right? Good. Yeah. So I'm on I do the show. It was so fun. And then you guys released the clip of us talking about my shlong. And I'm getting on a plane. And I get the notification of being tagged and something.

So I open, I'm on the plane going by everybody and I open it and it just starts with you going, so you got a big cock, huh? And it's full volume. It's like I, it's like I had it to let everybody know. I'm old lady giving you fucking eyebrow. A woman looked right at me. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's me.

Look. It is weird because you don't like God didn't give you any other gifts. Like visually, you know, like physically. And he's slowly taking away some of the gifts, you know what I mean? Like your hair, you know, you're not as in shape, it can be. So it's weird, your hands are weird. But the thing is... My hands? And I'm kidding. Oh man. I have a nice piece. I can't believe it.

I get a nice, I actually, you're slowly looking like a piece. You're just calling me a hog. No, no. Like a dick, you call me a dick. You look great and you're looking like a nice piece. I actually held my thing the other day here and here. That's good.

That's really good. That's one and two. And I was, wow, I got to get a couple other people to give me their hands. That's not, that doesn't freak out. It's like who goes first at a baseball game. That's I was just going to say. That doesn't freak out. It's like who goes first at a baseball game? That's I was just going to say.

I and they put their forehead on it and spin around and run. Yeah, that's only a women's softball. They do that with the cocks. Let's talk about women again. I want to talk. I mean, they're just bad. They're just bad. Tell me about it. I'm trying to get one to bring me a cat and they're just bad. They're just bad. I mean, tell me about it.

I'm trying to get one to bring me a cat and she won't listen. Well, she won't listen. I'll tell you, I want to tell you how to get her. I'm kidding. I'm joking as well. My wife would beat the shit out of me

if I have a late hands on her. I'm afraid that if I have a, like, was I went to late hands on my wife and teacher a thing or two about a thing or two that she would beat the shit out of me and Then put it on my Instagram stories Just me knocked out with a bloody head with a fucking cast iron skillet next to my face Does this what you follow here's your fucking you affected pussy fucking comedians?

Here's here's a retweet. I got your retweet right here. That isn't a story for you. This clock's not gonna try to lay hands on me and I smashed him with a skillful of chicken catchatory. Now that fat fuck is out called and ain't getting dinner. You want a real? I got a real piece of shit. God damn it. We're wonderful. Lou, come on. I expect better. Oh, man. So funny.

You're in for a big one. And now, now, you girl is more popular than you. Yes. Is that a hard thing to admit? No, it's like, if I didn't like her, I probably have a problem. But if my wife somehow became famous, I would love it. I got to tell you, I'm like, I love working. It's my favorite thing. I also like running away. I would love to do what you're doing.

Like I like to go into the woods and stuff. That's the dream. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I love working. But now that she's like, she's doing very well, I'm like, yeah, keep going. I'll make the bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I did it great last time. It was pretty fun. Good. I'm telling you, I would not give a two fine fucks. If my wife started making jewelry or did something where she became really successful, I would, I still am at max, we'd watch the good doctor. Yeah. We'd fucking have snacks, we'd work out. Yeah dude, I would not mind it at all, I would fucking,

I'd work, I'd do like 12 gigs a year that I make a lot of money at. I put that money in my separate bank account so I could buy some Rolex isn't shit and fucking have fun and get my finger banged from a middle-aged woman, middle-aged, lauging woman. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Had around 3, 330 in the afternoon when the coast is clear. When nobody's really going there except for perverts and old men with fucking COVID and Janet Awards. Get right up on that table, let her scrub me down like a fucking like a like a like a sea creature she found. Just hose me down like an Asian guy about to cut up a nice fish. Then bring me in the room belly down at the aquarium. Yeah. Um, yeah, dude, I would love it. I would love it. I was I was up here yesterday alone.

They were gone for the afternoon. I mean, that sounds amazing. Dude, I love it right now. Like if if I told her I could live here by myself. Like, this house, this tiny house we're in, I could be here by myself all year round. It sounds wonderful. We were talking about it before you came on

and I was just asking about it and that sounds perfect. Yeah, I love it, dude. This is the perfect, like if they can put these in New York City, like on top of each other, it would be like an apartment. Yeah. I wish you could buy a, yeah, but the functionality of a tiny house is better than the New York City Applied. I 100% believe it.

Yeah. A New York City Applied, they'll put this the fucking, the tub and the the kitchen. It's like stop it. Yeah, you got boxes all over It's it's really a pain. Yeah, I don't need a full-size stove loser. I'm not cooking a turkey You know, this isn't the godfather. I don't have eight kids from some guinea It's just me and my stupid AIDS cats My girl. Is that how she took a picture and said it? I had to look one up, but that's him.

Yeah, that looks like fucking Godzilla. I mean, what? Thinking about hairless animals, do you want to compare other animals to hairless cats? Yeah. So, here's the first one. What the f**k is that? What is that? That looks like something that was caught by a guy.

And that would go up and take that off of Calthus Thigh. That is Cruex-Hag Derrick. that off of of cultist thigh. That is correct. Derek. All right, I understand we're looking at like hairless cats, but why we seeing L of fantastical. Okay, Elephant, that looks like we might testicle you're out of your mind. That's a bald hedgehog.

Oh, hedgehog. Disgusting. I was fucking throw that out. What's that? Just a bald chicken. Whoa. Fuck them. There's my cock.

There's my cock. You can't say cock. It's each long. No, but the animal name. It works. My God. I bet it feels the same too when you grab its neck. It's not moving. It makes the same noise. Yeah. It curls every morning. What else you got?

Oh, look at that. What the hell? That's Ari Shafir when he's eating. That's Steve Burns real dad. What the fuck is that? Is that a kangaroo? It's a bear. That's a sick bear, huh? It's a hairless bear.

Good lord. Good, people see this stupid shit in Jersey, they call it the Tasmanian devil, or the Jersey devil. This is in your chupacabra. Yeah, the chupacabra, it's just a bear with AIDS. All right, now I gotta tell you, this is starting to look better.

No, that looks like an angry baby Godzilla. I don't like it. Oh, wow. Man, I'll have the six piece and... That should be Jim Norton's headshot. But dogs are still cute without hair. Dogs are cute. Dogs are cute. I like a nice little hairless dog.

But that's still got hair on its head. That's like, that's cheating. Well, now it's a cheating. It's good. Jesus, something mean. What the hell is that? It's a record. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I would have this was a pet. I think. Is there a harass loft on here? Because that would be amazing. No, I couldn't find one. Ah, man. So funny. If there is no harrass loft out there

because it takes them forever to shave. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Good one. All right, well, listen. Oh my god. Somebody tells me that you you did a lot, you've dated a lot of lesbians. That doesn't shock me though. You're a bedmaker.

Hello. I'm sorry. Being called a bedmaker was pretty amazing. Yeah, you're a bedmaker. I mean, I see you with only lesbians. Yeah, four and still counting, but, you know, you're a lesbian maker. You're the guy making all the weird stuff. I'm in the parade every year in June. Because they realize that all they need is the big dick part. They really don't need the other,

yeah, the other mushy part. They're like, if only we could remove this and just like wear it once in a while. And then a girl goes, you know, they have a store where you can buy huge cocks. What? Yeah, there's a store. You know that big dick attached to that fucking bedmaker?

You could just detach him and just get the cock you want. Any color? Yeah. Do I know that ones that move themselves, you can move it. Yeah, they have ones that attach to you. So you and your girlfriend, you can shake it up, put one in her and the same ones in you, the other end, and you can chit chat and stump bump each other while you're talking about fucking grazing at him.

Wow. Is it like that or is that like that thing where a kid smokes a cigarette and his parents make them do the whole carton and they never wants another cigarette again? No, I don't think it's that. I think they get, they realize they just like the dick part of us. When they look in a room and the guy's nervously doing hospital corners, what a fucking cuck. I'm out.

Oh my god, how accurately you nailed that. I'm trying to think, don't we have a fucking thing I'm supposed to read much? Well, we have a couple of questions for Steve. Oh, wow. They're both about what we're talking about right now. I want to talk about real quick though. Tim Dillon's new specials out. Yeah.

I want people to go to it. I'm very excited about it. I'm gonna watch it tonight after everybody goes to sleep, but Tim Dillon's one of my favorites, and it's out there. So go check it out. And you have a special too? I do. It's called Before He Was Super,

because I looked like Captain America before he was super. And it's on YouTube. It's great. That's what I's on YouTube, it's great. That's what I've been told. That's great. Well, that's great. I mean, I actually haven't seen it, but I'll go check it out.

Is it for you? Oh, wow. Thank you. Don't let me know what you thought. I'm gonna watch the whole thing. I'm gonna piece me on it. I'll probably watch, you know, probably 10 minutes of it, see if I can get through it.

And then I'll watch another 15. And then if I'm on a, like, if I have a train ride somewhere. Yeah. Like if it's stuck. Yeah, if I'm on a train with no TVs. And I have service, I'll fucking, I'll check it out. Yeah, I'm going to send you a picture of my hairless cat

until you've watched it all. So I will fucking watch it. No, I'm kidding. My hair is great. And, oh, man man that looks like my nuts That's Jim contemplating why Sam Why couldn't I just stay with Hopi? Anyways That's great that you get a new special and and how long

has it been up there? It came out May 6th. May 6th. It's like history month, May. The new black history month. It's the black month. It's not the history month. That's right. Yeah, we are just we. We can't change black history But we will give we want to give black we want to be we want to have two months. That's what we're really saying two months Two months, but we want to give you a good month so you can enjoy the outside. Yes. Yeah So how long has it been up there May 6th? Yeah doing well. It well? It's doing well for the first thing I've ever released. So who would you film it? National Comedy Center in Jamestown, New York.

Oh, that's the place that Voss hates. Because they don't have them in there. Oh, really? Oh, they don't have me either. That happens in the career because someone up there just doesn't get, they're star fuckers. So they care about, they don't care about 30 years in the business of murdering it. They care about, ooh, maybe something, you know, but whatever. Fuck them.

It's ever evolving. I'm sure that you guys will be in there because it's crazy if you're not. I doubt it. I'm willing to bet. I mean, you'll be dead, but I'm willing to bet you'll be in me. I'll be. My son can go up there and yeah, you'll be in there. I know. Show him. Yeah, there'll be a little, there'll be on a poster for Moon Tower and three point he'll Vedica down the bottom with uh, Stavros Halkias before he made it. Right, well, we got some questions for you, dude. Do you mind taking some questions? I love that your girl just told you to go fuck yourself, too.

Bring me the cat. No. I, I, I want, I'm, she's right on the other side of this door. Go talk to her. I mean, what is going on you getting engaged? You're gonna get married and And go check out before he was super Steve's full special on YouTube right now. Oh look at that Go check out his special before he was super

It's really good. Did you ever get the, could you have a sentence to Chris? No, if everybody could send it to Chris Evans, that would be amazing. Well, we should start with you trying first. I mean, I'm sure Lou, I think I tagged him and never, I mean, yeah, we could try, but if it came from you,

what do you think? I tried. I think I tagged him on Twitter. Yeah, we should go, hey man, I from you, I tried, I think I tagged him on Twitter. Yeah, we should go, hey man, I came out with this new special, check it out. I'm gonna do it again. All right, I've had bad, I've had very bad encounters with him, so I can't do it.

Oh, really? We became, we were friends a couple times and I kept ruining it. And then he made friends with Pete Davidson, so you know I'm out. You know what I mean? There he is. Is it the girl cat?

No, he's a guy. That's a guy? Yeah. Oh my God. I'll tell you what, it looks fucking miserable. I mean, he's great. Where is she going? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry. Hi. Hi, how you doing? Hey, can we, how are you, Tommy? Look, you're doing great. You careers go great. That's so nice. You put your arm around them.

Just let them know that you love them. Can we, can we for his podcast, can we get a blanket to cover your, your merch that's selling really well? Can we, can we just get blanket to cover your your merch that's selling really well? Can we can we just get something to cover how well you're doing behind him? You know, I mean just something a quilt maybe something You know, I really hate that you're making me like read your evils and Please yeah, there you go. Oh, so much. That goes with his personality.

He's a bedmaker. It's kind of hippie-ish. This is great. Perfect. Thank you so much. That's great. No, let him fix it. He loves fixing things.

He's very scared. He's very scared that he's not going to make the beds good enough for you. You know that, right? I don't think he's made the bed once in a while. I made it, I told him about how I made the bed and you came home when you were really excited last week. Yeah, because it was the first time.

Yeah, the fans in the chat want you to rate his bed-making skills. Oh! On the 10. Two. Yeah, man, you got a two. You got a two. I'll make ever. You just straightens it out and throws the

pillows on. That's it. I love a mentally handicapped guys that fucking did at least an eight. He's a very good dishwasher. Oh, I bet he is. Well, I mean, isn't that what he does in the afternoon to help pay the rent? Listen, I'm kidding. That's how I get booked. You guys are getting married. Do you have a date yet? You guys, that's funny. That's fucking crazy. You guys know. We're

both comedians. We went to a venue and we told our budget to the person and they looked at us and we were like, yeah, that's impossible. Don't do, don't do this. Don't do this to yourself. Do not have a wedding wedding. Do not do it. Don't do it. None of us want to go.

First of all, let me know. We don't care. None of us want to go. We don't want to go to the park. I don't want to go to the park. I don't want to go to fucking some weird place in Harlem that's trend. None of us want to go to your wedding. Just go do it in like a rubah or fucking Venezuela. What do you go? I don't know. Oh, Costa Rica.

Costa Rica. Go save your money. Go there. Have some local dude do it and do it. But you come back, you got to do it here too because it doesn't count so get married Unless you go to Hawaii like I did I'm telling you nobody gives a fuck We went to Hawaii and we got married in Maui It was all but done and you know, we did just show it live on a webcam and we can all go from our fucking I so everybody went to my wedding, I had comics at the seller, Norton and Colin and everybody watching us get married from the seller computer. Save yourself money. We don't want to go. We don't want to fuck your dance with you. We

don't want to wait for her to come down and see your dad. God bless your father. I know. Listen, we don't want to cut a cake with you. We don't want to starve all fucking afternoon to you guys that you're always done. We just don't want to do it. So just go and do it. And then we'll have a little party after, okay? Yeah, okay.

All right. And you'll come to the party? No, I'm not coming. Okay? What do you mind? I'm not coming. Okay. What do you mind? I'm not going near that fucking weird cat. That cat has power. You're gonna be the ring bearer.

Yeah. Okay. All right, well, thank you. You're getting one more dose. You're still, oh my God. Oh, he looks pissed. He hates me. Look at him.

He looks like a baby Godzilla. Oh my God. All right, we've got questions for you, Steve. You're all right. Let's do it. Thank you, Caitlin. All right. No talker note Steve talker note talk do you put your cock back into your asshole to walk down the street? Or do you let it hang if I did if I tucked it back and come out my nose? So it's like it's not Right it would just come around your neck like a scarf It would look like a sloth hanging on the your back Shit I gotta go. Oh my god at 1206. We gotta do these questions. I'm late. Oh, no I'm sorry, fuck.

Mush, I apologize. I have a Zoom meeting. I gotta go hang on. Let me tell them I'm coming. I'm coming. Oh my God, stay right there. What are the questions? What do you got?

What's the other question? I don't see any. Mush. Sorry. The other question is what's it like? My mic got unplugged. I'm sorry. What's it like working with Brian Riegan on the road? Oh, wow. It's amazing. It's my favorite thing ever. He's so funny and I get to watch, like, just him kill and then getting to perform in front of theaters is amazing. And just like. Hi, everything. It's so like you're like, oh, this is what comedy is supposed to be like. It's really amazing. When you do a club with all fans, it's awesome. And when you do a theater, yeah, it's the same experience, just amazing. Yeah, I'd love to have fans.

experience, just amazing. Yeah, I'd love to have fans. I do what spots are so great. Yes. Because you just burn it in these people that I'm making. Then when you finally get in front of your fans or you're getting to a theater, it's like this is nice. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the best. That's great. He's a good guy, man. Really good guy. Yeah, I love him. He's the best. What do you got? What else you got, mush?

I saw the questions we got. You got to go. We can start doing your dates. Yeah, where are you going to be? Do you have a news vice documentary? No, that's not it. It's all the big, big, long, is that coming out? The long way home. Where are you going to be? Tell me where you're going to be. I'm going to be at the comedy corner underground in Minneapolis this weekend. And then yeah, I'm really excited. And then all my other dates are on stevemerodgerscomedy.com. Please, for the love of God, follow me on Instagram. Stevemerodgerscomedy. Yeah, follow, man. You're such a sweet guy very thank you go watch a special Please every time you're on your fucking delicious. You just

Thank you for having me. Yeah, we'll have you back on again great show guys. Thank you so much Go to Robert Kelly live dot com for all my dates. I will be in Asbury Park next week on the 26th I will be in Asbury Park next week on the 26th in the right, is that right? No, the 25th. Yes, 25th. 25th. The 25th.

And then I will be at the Bruha and Cincinnati on the 27th. And then Soul Joe's I'm coming, Laf Factory Chicago. To Kenney, I got a bunch of dates coming up. So please go to my website and go to my shows and come out and support, go to comicwareobos.com, get you in YKWD merch up there, use code word Ladybugs and you get 20% off. You wear one of my shirts to my gig, come up to me after I give you a big sweet Ladybug hug.

You guys are the best. Do I have to do any other reads? What about the, are we dealing with the regular reads now? So we don't worry about them. Awesome. Great. You guys are the best mush. Thank you so much. At Mike V. Suarez, my favorite pizza with the cheeks. We're going to be very smart. I'll be with, uh, Yannis Poppos at Uncle Vinnie's next month, uh, in the ninth and tenth. Awesome. All right. You guys are the best. We'll see you next week. en la noche en 10. Con Volotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca. Espectacularismos, monumentos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras te esperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de Madrid, a Murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros.

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