Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - The Regz ep #07 | Tennis Shoes | Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder join forces and talk about escort calls, the freakiest stuff they're into, high school love interests and betrayal, David Blane's public stunts, and so much more. Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com/ https://www.instagram.com/robertkelly... Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/ https://www.instagram.com/gomezcomedy/ https://twitter.com/luisjgomez Joe List https://twitter.com/JoeListComedy https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/ Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/ https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/ SPONSORS Sheath Underwear https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ promo code: Regz for 20% off My Bookie https://mybookie.website/TheRegz promo code: REGZ for up to $200 cash bonus Factor Meals factormeals.com/regz50 promo code: regz50 to get 50% off True Classic trueclassictees.com/regz for up to 25% off Zippix Toothpicks zippixtoothpicks.com promo code REGZ for 10% off Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Filler up! You're listening to the guest? It's your man! Alright. Hi, Lewis. I Louison Well, do we have we need a first one we need a theme song for this I'm doing it right now He's right to get in front of I go go go Why did I point to the wrong guy? I didn't point that way. I like it. I like the whip move. Honestly, I figure you're gonna hit it. I like the whip move.

Whip, whip, whip, whip, whip. This is a rock bass line. Why do you do jazz? Because that would be fun. Go. This is supposed to be like this. Now you give me the same bass line I was giving you. How do you not do a bass line?

I didn't know you guys weren't talentless. Weren't talentless? What? Whatever. You can't even talk. I haven't slept in a while. Wow. I'm giving you How do you guys weren't talentless Baseline Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, slow jam. My face is not hurt. Are you going to do it again? It's killing me. Oh, wow. You know what? It's better the second time. Boom. Welcome everybody. It's the regs. We're

back. Lewis, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake Dan corporate Dan and the truth. Free range Dan, the truth. AKA Joe list and Robert Kelly, we got the producers. We got 15 producers in here. Are you a big Swifty? Is that why you have the friendship bracelet on? What do you mean? You big into Taylor Swift? No, you know what happened? These girls, these bonfire girls came up at the, they just put them on me and I didn't, I like them. They're not, they're not bonfire girls. They're fucking skanks fans. They made them for every comedian at fucking skank fest. I didn't get one. one well they're actually from bonfire stuff though no I know they say bonfire on them but I got One that says baby James mine says not Dan says not

It says this and it says useless crayon Which is a slang for white people we're going through that on me and Jay use this crowd is one of them Yeah, that's good and then this one says six fat Stop fucking stop bringing your bonfire references to the regs. This is super show dude Were you doing was that a Molly crew song? You said it. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that.

You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that.

You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that.

You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just said that. You just crazy, dude That was crazy. Sorry dude. You that hurt so much that my neck doesn't hurt anymore Major pain I give you shock therapy Yeah, that works good job Bobby You heal through the ear I am an eel here what what you know if you're getting a needle you like pinch your leg That's what it was dude. Now my ears hurt my neck feels better

You pinch your leg when you get a needle. Yeah, I pinched my Needles that's right. Yeah, I'm flee character from back to future to Know first of all dude, yeah, no, first of all, dude, yeah. Needles. Fuck. What do you do? Go like that. What do you do when you close my eyes and I look away? I go when I squeeze, I go like this. This is, but enough about when you get able. Sorry. I got it.

Dan's like, can I get a bigger needle, please? A more, more need. I go, look at me. Which he does it. I can't stink. I'm just making a fuck. I make a fuck noise. Plug them into another thing. Help Joe. I did it. I can't stink. I just make a fuck make a fuck noise Welcome into another thing help Joe. I did it. I plugged him into it. I figured it out steal another Miley Crew song to start the show

Just like I sort of I sort of new song dr. Feel good Alright guys, what about a song for girls? Girls, girls, girls, girls. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I love Motley Criff. What about shouting at something? Shout at the devil? Maybe, yeah, that's a good one. That's who I would shout at.

We could do the Guns N' Roses. I would shout at it. Deep cut from U.S. Illusion 1. Sometimes I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. We're doing Motley Criff. Is that really? Yeah, it's a great song. He just shifted over to Guns N' Roses. I'm a gentleman. You don't know any Motley crew. Is that really gonna? A great song. He just

shifted over to God. You don't know any Motley crew. So now he is going to bring up a band that he knows references for. How about you just have joined the party, Joe? When you yell at Joe and his lip starts to I was referencing beating a dead horse. I don't have a soundboard on this show. I don't like you acoustically soundboarding. I like his foley work. I sound bored when I talk to you. Word pun. I want why didn't I get one of those? I don't know. You gotta talk to me. I'm coming your size. What the fuck do you mean? Yeah, I'm not. I wasn't responsible for the sweatshirts. Who got the hoodies? Leah, but did you? You the only one who got one? No, every single person got one. All the crew and cast, except for you and Lewis, but that's

third of July. Yeah. It's a misprint. That's what makes it even more valuable. Waits actually a misprint or is it an intentional misprint? intentional misprint. No, for a minute, the movie was going to be called third of July. No. Yeah. Originally we're going to call it star battles. Originally we're going to do an Iowa Jones, but what a crazy, what a crazy change. Like third of July is kind of quirky and kind of like, I didn't really get that one, but I still laughed. I had to change it from in the end. So why did I change from third of July to fourth of July? Well, the story is it's a funny story. Oh, well, here. This is behind the scenes. Yeah. This is BTS. Damn. Fucking hot porn category. I'm the scenes. It's like we're girl like

porn chicks. First of all, porn chicks are actually pig dogs. It should be pointed out. These are not late. They're pig dogs, dude. They're actually just so lots who want to fuck. So very often in porn, but they'll be behind the scenes and the guys like, let's just fucking the bathroom real quick. He's like, okay, and she just gets fucked in the bathroom, but in between shoots. And that turns me on more than watching. But you want to watch, you want to watch the NBA players play at the rack. You want to see them ball on some regular dudes. You think the porn stars are playing like ward games on their phone in between takes? They're fucking suck it and fucking dude.

But isn't that just an act also? Iron sharpens iron. You could tell you could tell sometimes when it's not an act. Oh, you can tell? I need I need there needs to be I can't just jerk off to visually porn. Like I had there has to be another element to it. There has to be another kids. No Jesus Christ. I didn't I was just throwing stuff out. Like I had there has to be another element to it. There has to be another kids. No

Jesus Christ. I didn't I was just throwing stuff out. You know, there has to be like I have to be able to get myself there international distribution. I need to get myself there. That's something that you said, like that's some Harvey Weinstein sentence. I need to get myself there. I need a storyline. I need to, I need the beginning. I understand what Lou is saying.

You need to know that they want to do it. No, I need it to be. All right, well then I'll go fuck myself like that. No, it needs to be just a little, there has to be a variable that's a little off. Like, like when you like like retarded. Yeah, well, like, like, no, what do you mean? Something's got to be off. So missing an eye. What do you want? She has a dead white eye. You just want rescue slots.

I will remember. It's just good. Whatever the thing is that makes us like only fans. The whatever the thing that makes us like only fans, that's kind of like this. It's real. It's your only fans was. I'm a few steps away from actually penetrating this whore. Only fans was ECW.

It felt like, this is kind of, this is kind of real. Yeah. This is real as it gets. It's real as it gets. It really is. We were like, only fans blew up because you were like, this is kind of real. Yeah, this is real as a gift. This is real as a gift, it really is. We were like, only fans blew up because you were like, what's these, these ladies walking around? Yeah, what I'll do is there's a website called aeros.com, which has, yeah, you know, it's a hooker website.

That's a hooker website. But there's, aeros, E-R-O-S. Bring it up. It's where you can type in anywhere in the country of the world. Let's go horror. Bobbie's like, so it's anywhere in the country. Let's go horror. Look at my, Bobby's like, so it's anywhere in the country or the way? Oh wow.

It's like infomercial, Bobby's infomercial, where he goes, what are you telling me? That this is your website for everyone? Here's the thing though, they're verified. Whoa. They're verified and verified. But they're very expensive.

It used to be able to go to, Craigslist back in the day was the best because you get the middle, you know you can be able to, a Honda craigslist back in the day was the best because the you get the middle You know you can be able to a Honda but check this Honda click on this is all the top hold on the top left girl Looks like she's got an innate hits just listen listen quick click on you wait cuz Bobby starts with it Who the fuck is in charge of this computer right now? Moron Lewis calm down. I want to talk to the old dog Don't calm down the fucking that was crazy dude. He was confused like swirling around. It's an alphabetical order

I can defend after Nevada dickhead. I can defend that person. I thought it would go up and down left to right It goes all the way across wacky. What is this? This is how we hold topics You broke first Bobby thinks he's God and you're Adam man man man What what spit it out back in the day with hookers yes, did you do like a phone book hookers? I did first. Have you how many media have you got every single form you've done phone woman Village voice was where the phone book the phone book was a good one. I've never you I've never used a hooker

You've never you Yes, I made out with My act I have to have you just try to kiss him. Look kiss you. Nobody ever tries to kiss I made love to a Chinese girl right around the corner. It was the rubber band for me Lewis going. Yeah, it's fucking what you do. Stop. I love them. People here. People see pretty woman and just like no kissing on the mouth. That's like an old wives. Hell cook hookers want to be kissed. That's your next shirt. Hooker's kiss.

That's a great shirt. Hooker's kiss. Also great finishing move. Yeah, dude, I'll go to the wrestling. The hooker's kiss. Dude, I hooked up with the right around the corner. You didn't hook up with him. You didn't hook up with him.

Hook transaction. Right around the corner used to be a massage parlor that had hookers. You know, I had a couple drinks. We got to talking. She laid out her table. Right around the corner, there was a hooker place upstairs. And you just go in between spots.

I was going there. Was there a Rubin tug? No, you can fuck them. Rubin tug now because cops came down and now they have the internet. But before the internet, when I first moved here, you had to go to fuck. And they would have a bunch of girls.

Where do you mean you go? It's still the same way, Bob. You can't go in a room. There's no places in New York City where you could... You're right, Bob. There's no place in New York City where there's a room of hookers that line up. You're right. You tell me. You tell me. I don't know. I don't know. I've never heard of this. Wait, go back to arrows.com. Wait, sorry. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

There's no place in New York City where women will walk down the hall and you pick one from any race and go have sex with a negotiate It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist Bob. You're right. It doesn't it absolutely exists. It exists 100% Bobby, I'm gonna tell you like this It does not exist. It's probably crazier shit that we'll never know about This is Bobby look at me. There is stuff going on not exist in New York City My head is hot. Bobby, do you understand? Do you think that, and I mean this,

do you think that, do you think that? I have to touch me. Do you think that? It's a power movement, I don't like it. It's a touching episode. And I never had a dad, so it's kind of comforting. Do you think that cheap Asian hookers have figured out algorithms?

I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm talking about. Lewis, Bobby. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. That's not what I'm talking about. Yeah, talking about. Yeah. You miss Puss between 2am and they're good. They're good. Their brother has been programming since he's been seven. They have massage parlors that you can go to Asian places. Absolutely. But back in the day, they used

to have a whorehouse. You'd go in and it'll be a black chick, Spanish girl girl white girl Does not 100% does it when's last time you got a hooker Bob? I will pay for your hooker. That's fun I don't need to get a hooker I don't get hookers, but I've had hookers and I know what you're talking about because I've been in these fucking situations doesn't exist Joe usually kill the hookers you're with absolutely so this website listen to me when you go to it When you go to this website, it's not just, it is hookers, but if you click on the subcategory, you could click on XXX stars.

These are actual porn stars. Actual porn stars that like are known from fucking shit, dude. What if you need a podcast co-host? Can you get one of those on here? If you're just like, hey, I need a co-host real quick. But here's the thing, these are actual porn stars that you can pay a couple thousand dollars to go back. So for me, I go to this website and I'll look at,

listen, I'll look at the porn stars that I can actually fuck, and then I go and jerk off to them because I'm literally a phone call away from actually having sex with those girls. So what's the average price? What's the lowest price, average price, high price? On this website? 200? 500.

No, on this, you get one for 250. No. Let's look it up. We're on the side. You really argue. I might, it might have been a long time. 500. I would know. Trans is definitely 300, 250 to 300. You're going to get AIDS. I'm not going to get AIDS. Live escorts are the other ones. Yeah. That's a funny charge. Just bring a body and they unzip it and they like unroll it out. It literally says escort, hands, massage, live escorts. There's in and out. So if you go to them, it's, it's a little cheaper.

If you, if they come to you, it's more expensive. Follow up questions, answer their MPBT's guy court. Is there a punch card? No, they don't have that anymore. You got to pay separately to punch him. No, but go, go to one of them. Yeah, I give them my credit card and then I punch them. Here's $40. They don't have that anymore be sick. You gotta pay separately to punch him Here's $40, then she goes here's here's my amic. It's my punch card How much is it go for the cheapest looking one? What the hottest one? How much lawn run with the blue thing?

Very often you do but sometimes they have the prices right in the bottom. Do you have to call is Rodney danger? Can we call a little good a hole yeah, why wouldn't we call yeah, we're doing a shock rock radio show What's the number? Oh, okay? You don't call him you email him the email you back a couple days later You don't have to fucking I know the answers all your questions I know the Not for like 20 years dude according to you a fucking gallon of milk costs a dollar 19 you fucking old fuck Know a guy drops on your porch every Saturday morning. No you have a son who can milk the cows There's a phone number on the screen that you can call exactly of course you don't have to send an email away three days There's a phone number on the screen that you can call exactly of course you don't have to send an email away three days Call your moron text back. Okay. Hey, how much this is porn star whatever's assistant

I'll bet you a thousand dollars you get a $9 one thousand dollars. I'll give you an answer you get a text back thousand thousand dollars to nothing $1,000 right now to nothing. I owe you nothing. No, you owe me a thousand I'm just gonna call and not bet you what's the number? Is this for nine or four guys? I don't think you should be posting this girl's number to fucking our fan. It's just on the internet I know but now it's literally gonna be our fans fucking calling a porn star over Well, not like what the fuck we'll blur it out now also none of them are gonna do that until you said that yeah Now they're gonna do that they will what we have good fans. We have good people good hoodie. Thank you, man

Thank you They they earned them didn't get them 4191 Color the zipper great job Bob how old are you finished dialing the number and press call? Yeah, why don't you put your flash? Happening with you. I'm fucking up dude. I'm fucking old 53 all right, but it's me we're having a private conversation Quest this morning you just hear going this hello Speaker

Fuck up you're annoying Oh Oh, is that is this this girl? Is she a doll? She a doll. Come on. She's got a walk eye. Oh, call only.

I mean, she might not be up though, it's early. Well, depends. These are hookers. Yeah. Hello. Por favor, déjé sumins. Exactly. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I bet your keen is on the other end of that phone call Was that you keen or was that a different you're gonna get so much spam They took on my contacts Don't respond any texts dude. They fucking got did I hope this bit turns into your life falling apart. Don's like, I was like, I was like, hey, in the phone, Bill. Boy, who the fuck is you, Tina? No, you don't understand this. It was a bit. We were calling and hooking for the show. No, I've been doing hooking for years, Don.

I haven't done hooking in a long time. I know. Hey. Hey, what's up? I hear the ringing. Wait, post that. Can we post an ad for the podcast? The front page. So this is website work or not? Just out of curiosity. It's very expensive. It's very expensive. I do well. I wouldn't, I wouldn't go to it. you know, let's you have money Let's you have a lot of money What if you want to do this other website? You know who's this VIP Maria try her? Oh my god Maria Maria Yeah, call her. She's looking at my see polyglot I'm at bud hold it up to you. I'm I amy born from a multi racial That's actually a silly and family she could a contouring. I know that from having a girlfriend that but Yeah, that but is I've learned that but I don't like big butts. You're an offensive lineman's butt

Yeah, what do you guys want flat as a board? Yeah fucking boars shovel ass a big old fucking I like that Oh, yeah, I see house. I like my wife's flat ass. That's a good bum. I hate it. Oh That's fucking Quarter off I bet it smells but this can't smell so good. I can't smell you said that are in a text I don't get it. What don't have a sense of smell flat nose never It's called flat nose. It's Roman Roman helmet. You know what now? No, you know, it's funny though. You're actually not Katie and nail polish remover and she's like nothing and I was like nothing and then I went like this. You smell a little. I can smell a little. Katie had nail polish remover and she was like nothing. And I was like nothing.

And then I went like this. I went, oh, got this. That's like when you have to fart and you're trying to do it silently. I lift one of my ass cheeks so it comes out silently. Like I control it physically with my hand. You play it. You bend the core. I play it.

That's how you let the cup out of your ass. Like when you bend the soft Wow after shit Dude, I fucking feel dude. I feel so bad for my girlfriend sometimes why we do too fart dude Oh, I farted so here. Did your girl fart she's smoking hot. No never never. Never. I can't smell. So it's actually funny. Is your girl, your girl too. Yeah, I don't care. She too. It's right in front of you. In a funny way. Like she'll do it.

There's nothing funny about it. If you do, if she does it and she goes, and you know, she doesn't announce it and you go, was that, and she goes, sorry. Or we'll call it outright. Yeah. She goes, oh my back. I'll catch it. I'll go, was that a fart? And she'll be like, what? That's funny. That's funny. So I will do it late at night. was that a fart? And she'll be like, what? That's funny.

That's funny. So I will do it late at night and then all of a sudden I'll be like, was that you? And she'll just start laughing. And she wanted to acknowledge it. I farted too aggressively. I had to pull mine back. Cause I always thought it was really funny.

Max farts too aggressively and Don laughs about it. And I don't think it's funny. Like we'll be at a fucking restaurant on a wooden chair just. Yeah. Kids learn how to play as woodwinds. I just don't like it. Has he farted over your house, right?

Uh... Max, I'm just gonna tell you right now, Max got the internet relationship. What? Me and Max have a different relationship. You hit my kid? I got... She's so...

What the fuck does that mean? Because, uh... Max and I try to keep it sexy in the bedroom. Later in life, Max got a lot of fucking loose. He used to beat me and fuck me. Yeah, you go, oh my... No, he's not really a problem at my house. Did you see, did you see those two?

He's, James slept over on Saturday night, man. I got a video I was saying, those two play light saber to get there. What are they doing? What video you got, Bob? Yeah, we're gonna get indicted on all this because we're just next to it in a podcast. Yeah.

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No, my words good my son. We had a nice conversation. He's got a I can't say who She told me to be very I promise him I said I will never Tell anyone who it is, but he's got a crush on a girl. Hell yeah, James And he fucking he like broke it down for me yesterday nice because there's another girl that likes him He doesn't like her he likes he doesn't right so then he was like he was like he's a sweetie pie He's like I feel awkward. I was like why he was like cuz this girl She might ask me to this dance and it was like I don't want to go with it I was like she cool and pretty was like yeah, I want you like her. He was like I kind of like somebody else Oh shit

I was like we use the girl that likes you to make the other girl jealous like kiss her in front of her No, dude, just go he should go ask out the girl He likes first save the other girl the trouble. He's right Finger fucker in front of him make her smell it big smell that bitch. That's your competition I'm gonna make the first lady school shooter That's a smell of competition when you're 11 years old you should fuck all the 11 year olds you can't whoa Right. We got that. Do you get that as a clip? Later on that should be the hint you're not gonna be able to do it That's that Chris Laker joke or he's like if I would have known how how much I messed up not jerking off to 12 year olds

When I was 12, that's funny. I guess I just stole another yeah, so there you go guys. What's really fact-check Joe a lot on this So your advice was use the other girl to make her. No, my advice was just be honest. Be honest. Like, hey, that's it. That's it. I like another girl, that's it. She got a back pussy. The little girl goes, I don't know what you're talking about. Your son only makes New York City comedy references where the other kids at school are like, you fucking weird.

Have you seen the girl? Do you know what she looks like? Yeah. Is she, are they, are they cute? Yeah, cute chick. Cute chick, nice girl. Max liked a non-cute chick and I was like, come on. That's crazy.

Yeah, I was like, dude, come on. Why? I don't know, he just- What is it her like about her personality? That's crazy. I think he's just- Is he gay? No, he's in the chick.

He's in the fucking, he's in the personality. He's in the first side of the gate. Yeah, and I like this girl. I like this girl because she listens. And we can talk about patterns together. I was like, wait, dude, that's a fag. I know and she's my bestie. But my girlfriend.

Ah, shit. No, he liked a girl that I was like, all right, whatever. But then thank God it didn't work out. Jesus, you're cheering against the child's relationship? How could it have worked out? Yeah, now they married. They're living in this fucking shack, dude. I can't go in there.

Well, you think that if they do wind up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend over the next few couple years. Couple years? Who does that? 11, 12, dude. How long of a relationship are you in? But what is a boyfriend and girlfriend? I was gonna three years

I was in relationship with a grown man when he was 11 He's like, yeah, we trusted each other. No, you don't fuck you. There's not a real boyfriend girlfriend when you're in the fifth grade It's like you say you're going out. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, it's like yeah You just make the declaration that you're like we're boyfriend girlfriend I remember I had me and a guy shared a girl. We both had the same Joe was living a young lifestyle where he goes so you're a derrick at lunch Watch you eat your snack But I always

You eat your snacks. But I always wanted this years later because new one of us hooked up. Young Swinger. But then you wonder, you're like, Oh, maybe he was hooking up, but I was just like a, like a cuck. Now, see, I had the worst experience of an eighth grade. My girlfriend got fingered by another dude while you were with her. Yeah. Oh, it's making me angry. I do. It makes me horny. Makes me hot too. It made me so mad. And then that guy went on to be like a war hero fighter pilot.

You hear his voice just crack. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm three inches out of his stutter back then. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Did you finger my girl? Dude. And there was one of those things

where there was nothing I could do about it. Did you confront him? Yeah. What did you say? What the fuck? Did you finger my girlfriend? And he goes, yeah, I did. And he was like, I was nice.

Smell that. No, he didn't get aggressive about it. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Slow down. Slow down. This is wild. Yeah. How did you find out that this guy fingered your girlfriend?

He's got a girlfriend you're dating her. Yeah. What's her first name? We got to get a visual here. Not her last name, obviously. He found a knuckle hair in her pussy. Ha ha ha. A knuckle hair.

I go, I don't have knuckle hairs yet. How did you find out you shoes getting finger? That's pretty. So my friend's girlfriend had you finger at her. I touched her pussy head and finger. Oh, you didn't even get your finger in there, dude. What do you mean you touched it? You just rubbed it.

I like, when was the first pussy I touched it? Like it's the elevator button. You know, it was a dork in here. I'm just asking. I don't know. I've never just touched it. I bet she's just getting finger by all the guys. She's doing tricks with it.

She's cracking that. She's like this. She goes like this. She goes, pull it out. What do you got? Seven of hearts. Oh, wait. If you're touching a pussy in eighth grade, you're not a door. Well, it was my first day.

All my friends. First thing when I was 28. All my friends. I touched a pussy ninth grade the first time. All my friends in middle school were like hyper developed. They were all like fingering girls. Yeah, they weren't men. They were boys. They were little boys. Hyper developed boys. hyper developed. They were all like fingering. Yeah, they weren't men. They were boys. They were little boys. But they were, they were like finger in

chicks. I wasn't, I was a seventh grade is crazy early. Ninth grade was I went down on a girl. The first girl I hooked up with beyond just like kissing. I went down. I'm a dork. I wouldn't let her suck my dad. So that doesn't count. I wasn't molested. You wouldn't. I was molested. But I first time I had sex sex was like, I think 10 or 11. That's insane. That is crazy young. That's bad. No, he was covered in moley. He was molested. Oh, you're spicy. We're moving too fast. He ate a girl out in seventh grade. And he wouldn't let her blow him.

We're back to. But Mike Christine has a really funny joke where he talks about doing a moving job with a guy who's like, yeah, I was a little pimp. I got my dick sucked when I was five. And then he goes, I had to explain to him that he was molested. It's like, with Bobby, you're like,

that's a good thing. So who are you eating out in eighth grade or ninth grade? Ninth grade. Fresh freshman year of high school? Your phone's act It's a text you right she texted back. What'd you say? How are you in or out? Yeah, which means you want to come here in and out at sex in out Stop Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, apologize. Should I type that?

Anger. Yes. Definitely to get your number sold to some sort of black market shit, dude. I would not be texting with an ugly. They're shady people. These are shady people, dude. If you don't give her money, she's

going to do something with your information. In and out, it's sex. I got it. She goes, yeah, buddy. She takes a cigarette. She goes, I know what it is. She's like, what are you, a fucking comedian? Yeah.

What if she writes, ha ha, it's free. Yeah. You know what? That was the first clever response I got all day. So you're a 14-year-old. Yeah, but it's 10th grade. Do you have the, okay, well now you've bumped it up a little. It's, well, it was a summer between ninth and 10th grade, I started dating her.

But Conilingus is a big deal. Conilingus. Well, they do you want to go eat the puss? And did you eat the whole or the clit? Because I was confused about that for a long time. Because I'll explain, I was in the movies. We were at Batman Forever. And I'm so.

You had a check out in the movies? I didn't eat her out. So when I touched her pussies, I didn't finger her. Batman Forever. Yeah. With Mr. Freeze, with all that chill out. And I was like this. God, what a cinematic masterpiece. It was the worst one. I know. And I was like, God, what a cinematic masterpiece.

It was the worst one. And I'm in there. And this is how retarded I am. We're in the movies. I get a dad. He's talking right to Dan. What are you doing? Going through the pant leg. Go over the top. You retod. That's what it is. Lewis just sets him up for places. We're gonna podcast him, baby boy. Yeah. And yeah, he just, he's looking at me. So I went up her thigh and in the thigh. She's wearing pants. She's wearing shorts and pants. Jean shorts are regularly like a like khaki shorts.

Yeah. So you can pull them to the side a little. That's what I was trying to do, but they were tight. So I was trying to get in there. And then I got, I got over, I went in and up into her panties and I touched her pubes, rocked my world. Never touched lady pubes. And then I went down. And then yeah, at the moment where Batgirl joins the film, I touched lip. I like went to go and then someone walked by and she was like, oh, and I pulled out and you put your hand in the popcorn again.

This is eighth grade. This is eighth grade. This is eighth grade. Yeah. This is so thrilling in the eighth grade touching a vagina. It was crazy. I mean, it's just so like, but by the way, three months earlier, I'd gotten my first tongue kiss. So I was like, this is nuts. And that was weird the first time. Oh my God. You're like, oh, you know what's so funny? I was with his name.

Plastic. I was with. Mercy, what was his name? I was. Is this a is this a because I was with his name. Plastic. I was with Marys. What was his name? Is this a net? Is this a, cause I did it way earlier. Yeah. I did. I was fucking around at like 10, 11, 12. Yeah. By the time you were my age, you were doing this. Was the state these people were married when they were 19. You had, you had to for your kids to work at the farm. Like we were talking earlier.

So six, seven, eight. You yeah. That's when I, eighth. You, yeah. That's when I fucked around. No, 10, 11, 12 is fourth, fifth, sixth. No. 10 years old was fifth grade, 11 years old is sixth grade. Yeah, okay. You fucked when you were in fifth grade.

Oh no, I think my first. That was the same year I got Jurassic Park toys for my birthday. Bobby was learning cursive and fingering women. Bobby goes, I'm a different guy now, dude. Check out, have you ever seen a Z? Also, I fuck. So this girl,

so this, so this girl, freshman year, you are in between freshman and sophomore year. In between freshman and sophomore year, we started dating. Have you, and you had fingered her, felt her up? I had, we met through a friend. I was like, this girl's cute. We started dating. And you had fingered her, felt her up? We met through a friend. I was like, this girl's cute. She was half Asian.

She was half Filipino. Joe. What? That wasn't me. I'm a little bit wild. What are you talking about? That's one of the producer guys. Yeah, I would meet up.

We hung out maybe live time. That's so sick. But every time we hung out, we would really heavily hook up We're like oh, we're gonna like learn like would you drive out? No, we I would get her naked We get her completely naked her body was righteous dude her 14-year-old body was as disgusting I shit you not fucking righteous. She had the body of a goddamn woman Justing his glasses

She's adjusting his glasses right now. Listen to me. She's disgusting. Calm down. Calm right down. She had massive fucking Asian tits. She had a crazy ass. She just like, literally, she was very, very developed. This sounds a lot like my girlfriend

goes to a different school. No, it's what I'm asking. You're describing the girl we saw in arrows.com. Her name was Yukina. I showed her to me eight in a row as an hour. I go, we made out and then she leaned in and said, It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy.

It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy.

It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy.

It was crazy. It was crazy. It was with Aikin. I go, hey. I said, you're fucking French. Eww. He's passionate. Eww. He can't help the passion take him over. No, so I would fucking... You get her completely naked. I get her completely naked.

And you can be fully clothed. We got caught twice, hook and go. We got caught once by this kid's mom. Would you be naked? How did you get caught by a snobby mom? No, I wasn't down with getting naked. I was really just about getting naked. So you were just fully clothed with naked and working your own? Clothes, male, I wasn't. I wasn't down with getting naked. I was really just getting you're just fully clothed.

Close male naked female. Yeah. How did you get caught by another kid? I think we I was at his house. He would hit me with the acronym. This kid was having a house party in nyack, New York. And this was like a dorky kid. He wasn't even a real house party. It was like 10 kids and like me and her went to like the bedroom and just started like fucking around. You didn't go through his guys. Did you he didn't touch his action figures? No, it was like he know he he'd like Multi-thousand-dollar computers and he used to make money through internet porn when he was like 14 or 15

He ran internet porn websites. He was making tens of thousands of dollars either a millionaire or dead He know this kid was ready from a really rich family. He had crazy, like the house was like really beautiful. And yeah. You were just a woodland creature bringing in your, your busty fucking 14 year old girlfriend. No, he ended up dating her. They lost their virginity to each other later on. But you primed her.

I primed her. Well, here's what happened. I was hooking up with this girl, right? And then I really had a crush on Kristen Walsh, the girl that I lost my virginity. How's she doing? So what happened was I was hanging out with it was the night before literally the day before Claire's birthday. I was supposed to go to her birthday party in nyak, right? I was she was turning like 15, right?

Big birthday party. Big birthday. 15 sweet 15 baby. It's the last one you're a kid, you know, 16. I'm hanging out with Kristen Welch at her house tonight before. We're just friends. We're just hanging out at her house. Dawson's Creek vibes? Like you crawling through a window?

Listen to the typo negative. Damn, honey. Yeah, dude. Fucking, turn on some typo negative. Get Lewis in the mood. Give me in the mood. We're gonna eat my pussy. I'm gonna get on all fours. Sounds like you have, sounds like somebody who has AIDS. Typo negative get loose in the mood give me in the mood Somebody who has AIDS negative. What is that? It's like goth like coffee's like metal music. It's not great Yes, turn on some type of negative

That's not like soda trying to talk about his trying to talk about his. He go inside you. Why did you do it? Yeah. Black, black, black, black, black. Keep the story going. This type of nagging. They don't know how to spell it. That's a song. Black number something.

It's black number something. This is the song that I was hanging out. We're in Chris's emotion bedroom. Tomorrow is Claire's 15th birthday party. Me and Chris are just friends. But honestly, I was secretly in love with this girl. And Claire was the half Asian Filipino. Claire was a half Asian Filipino. It doesn't even know who this girl is.

This is like my, my crew of friends. Was it Claire? Claire. And Claire was your, and it was Claire, dude. It's a perfect woman. So you would, um, this is your neighborhood. This is your Mary Jane. This is the girl that you're, her name was Yodel. I have a Debbie fetish. I can't date a girl named Debbie. Yeah. We stacks the other girl you hooked up with the name ring dig So you're at your best friend's house getting your Dawson creeks on we're hanging out listening to this song

It's crazy. It's great. I like it's crazy. You're she's over there to have your fucking good to do it Fingering herself. I don't want to tell you. She's Uriously story is one of these autistic kids often do the fucking thing. There it is. I'm not the one who so I know it's kind of his voice though You buy it God, I forgot. Oh, it's crazy. It's not going through. It's not going through. You can't figure out the audio I forgot oh, it's crazy. It's not going through. It's not going through. You can't figure out the audio That's not it. Let me say it's not like he said it's like it's let's just move on fuck it No one matter but that needs to be pointed out. Okay, it's you put it up. Yeah, it is crazy

So I'm in Christian. Well, she Dan checked Move on to the Sotr show. If you move on, did you get fingered? Thank you. It sounds like fingering. No, this is a fucking move. You were the fucking chubby goth check. That sounds like the song I was playing. It really did. Did you steal this baseline? I want to look into trouble this baseline hey I want to think

I was working in the lab late one night when they get the monster rash can I enter you monster matches the original Goff song. I was working in the lab late on that day. The scientists get it. We're all just doing the monster mash. Life is a graveyard smash.

Did Monster Mash as an actual gob song rule. Someone can make that as do a cover a gob. Get back to the fucking rules. Come on, come on, I'm into this. I know I'm dying over here. The craziest part, can I just interject also, eat her pussy, let's hear that part of the story. You also said you wouldn't let her blow you.

That's what we need to get to. So me and Claire, we would hook up and I wouldn't let her blow him because in my mind, if get me and Claire We would hook up and I wouldn't let her one because in my mind if she sucked my dick She was a fucking slut what I was I was like no you're no no girlfriend mine is gonna suck a dick That's so funny. I don't want money. I like doing a job You have me here. I like contributing Where did that come out is that that just in you or did somebody? It was just like I was like, yeah, I don't want my girl

from to suck a dick. It seemed like a slutty act to me. You don't want to kiss a woman that sucked your dick? No, he shouldn't have mafia don rules at fucking 11. I get it. When I was 11, I wanted to make out with a girl right after she sucked my dick. You fucking suck. Snowball me, you know?

I was just going to say, Joe goes, yeah, any left for me? Feed me, baby. Yeah. No. So that's what, so, but I would hook up with a straw, but then me and Christian was hanging out was the day before Claire's birthday. Joe goes, oh, oh, huh? So you guys, so we're hanging out in the room then you'd get her naked and sit there fully clothed No, I would just like you to wrap me by taking my shirt off my fucking chubby fucking body

Who do you fat? Were you fat back then? Yeah, it's chubby ninth-tenth grade. Yeah, maybe you're charming charming as fuck You had hair too. Oh, beautiful. She's the fucking grab me by my hair put it into a fucking nice. Did you wear eyeliner? Damn At that time, maybe. Well, when I was at Kristen Welch's house, I would. You keep saying her first and last name. I'd go back to Claire's house and I'd fucking act like a docile Asian. And then I'd go back to,

I just played whatever of its fucking. You come back with your harms in your sleeve. Spow. It'd be like Mrs. Doubtfire where we forget which one to do, you're running between the two. So yeah, we're listening to that song and then all of a sudden, I open my eyes and I'm deeply kissing,

Kristen, we're just kissing each other. I'm like, how do we even get here? How do we even get here? And it was like the girl that I was in love with for like ninth grade, I met her. I was like, this is like the, I really liked her. And it finally happened. And then it happened, but I was dating

this other girl Claire. Did she open her eyes and scream? But no, then I went where were her parents were you worried about her parents walking in there? This was like whatever her they I was comatose Yeah, so her but then I was like that and then I couldn't I Couldn't even fake it for like another minute. I was like this is what I love I was like I can't go to Claire's birthday party tomorrow So I called Claire on the day of her birthday. Oh, and I broke up with her. Oh What did you say the Asian? What did you say?

You got her into some weird stuff, but you're a house on a piece of paper He burnt a scroll. He put one of those lanterns in the air. Yeah, and she went He dropped pamphlets I gave her a fortune cookie and it's That's crazy on the day of her birthday. On the day of her birthday. Wow, what a dick move. What did you say? What was your excuse to you remember?

I was like, I just can't do this anymore. You can't do this anymore? Like you're stressed out, like it's been a 25 year marriage. You just think your parents wouldn't let you date an Asian woman. That's good. Oh, that's so good.

That's not bad. My parents don't want me to date interracially. Yeah He's an interracial They said I'm not allowed to make the same mistake twice So wrongs to make a right. Yeah, my parents don't want to make that type of baby So you and that was it with her Yeah, and then she went on the crescent and we lost our virginity to each other Hmm, how long did you and you guys were together for a year two years? When did you lose your virginity? I was 16 years old before you tell that can we please go back to your story that we fucking

You know what but you know I did that to get away from it. He wants to get away from it. It's well It sucks. Sorry. So you try to finger her. This is like my second girlfriend I want to know you found out that somebody fingered your girl. My friend was good friends with a girl who the guy who fingered my girlfriend told. Say that. I'm sorry. So my buddies, my best friends, this girl ended up being his girlfriend, but he was like in love with her. He had a crush on her. Yeah. She was like, Oh, so and so said he fingered Tricia. So he told, was your mom's name? Yeah, it was close, it was close.

But she was Mexican, so different look, all right. But I was, earlier in the year. So we got a fungus under his name. But earlier in the year, I dated her and was like, you know, I was a nerd. So, yeah. So she broke up with me. Because she was like, yeah.

I know, my voice is deep. You're gonna get a fucking suave now? Yeah. But she broke up with me during the school year and I was like bummed out because she wanted to date this other guy. And then they broke up like six months later and she was like, I want to date you again.

And I was just foolishly like, oh yeah, then that'll work. That's the same girl that got fingers. Yeah. And you knew she got fingers. I didn't know that until we were dating. And then in the summer, my friend found that out. And I was like, no way. Wait a minute.

Hold on. Did he I'm so sorry because I was on a follow. Did he finger her in the first time you were dating her? And then you found out the second time. Second time. It was second time while it was already starting to get weird. Like she was she was hanging out with this group of people from a that were going to a different high school.

And they started like, she'd be like, oh, they're all over at my house hanging out. And I'd be like, oh, well, am I gonna, like what? When they find a new world is when you gotta be, I had my first. And then I found that out like, I kinda, you know, like spider senses, you're like, I'm getting pushed the fuck out right now.

Yeah, yeah. And then you're like. It's weird, you have instincts. But then you're like, dude, let me tell you right now, that started a horrible run in my life because I was like, I was like, high school, here we come. She got fingered. And then it was like, my dad's sick. And then my dad died. And then like all this shit happened. And I was just like, I broke my arm. I broke my shoulder playing freshman football. And then my dad died. And I was like, this sucks. And then I found out about Perkisets. So that was pretty awesome.

Wow. Perkisets and camel lights. But when I found out, she got finger. What a fucking falling from grace. Holy shit. You're just star football player. No, I suck at football. Got a hot chick. I didn't leave home. He left. Years before.

Yeah. He checked out on earth. But I, what's funny is I wasn't good at football. I was like, okay, I could run into what's funny is I wasn't good at football I was like, okay I could run into people fast, but I wasn't good at football and the guy that figured my girlfriend was a great at football And we started freshman football and all the football coaches like this guy's unbelievable and you're like yeah But he can't do voices But I bet he doesn't know who wants so cold when you approached him. What did he say?

Well, he was like he didn't know if we were still together. He felt really bad. He was like, dude, it wasn't a thing. You're like, dude, I feel awful. No, he like, he like legitimately was like, dude, I fucking had no idea. This sucks because we were buddies. And I was like, man.

Oh, you were friends with him. Yeah, we were like, we weren't close. And you said you fucking pushed over. This guy was not your friend. No, he was. This guy's a piece of shit. Yeah, by the way. That's what he said. Guys, I'm saving that because he was actually decent about it. You're such a fucking pushover I'm saving that because he was actually decent about it found out a fat dude had also fingered oh Found two guys guys. There's no upside to that. It's just fat fingers He used to put baby oil in his hair to make it look wet and he was like he thought he was black

I fucking hated that kid that fat fuck he finger He finger fucked you girl? Both of them did. Not at the same time, one did and then weeks later and then I never mind it, it was just, this girl's bad news. This girl's real bad news. I think they did you a favor. Yeah, no they did. And then my friend did the greatest thing

a friend for me has ever done. He killed her. Pretty close. Her parents were crazy religious, like very, very religious. He ratted her out. Dude, he called from my house. Right by this. Crazy religious like very very religious you added her out dude. He called From my house right by this he called from my house and he was like hi

My name is Mike Your daughter has she wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. She's like they're like really religious. He goes I'm friends with your daughter's ex-boyfriend. That's right boyfriend. She wasn't supposed to have a boyfriend Well, she doesn't have a boyfriend anymore because two other boys fingered her vagina. Nice. They fingered. He left this message on her answering machine and I was like, in the background where he left it, I was like, you're crazy. This is crazy. We hung up and rode our bikes around or whatever. And I came home. My mom's like, yeah, her dad, uh, star six, nine, and I remember calling us back. Yeah. Damn it. uh, star 69, Yeah, dammit. But at the time it was the coolest thing a friend did because my friend was like, man, fuck that shit and called and left the message. Uh, Lewis was right. It's been a long time for me.

It's $900 an hour. It's blowjob massage and, uh, and kissing and kissing and different positions. Did she list? What about intercourse? Did she list kissing? Yeah. Good for her. Yeah. Anyways, that guy that figured one of the guys that figured my, that's, that's Dan. Oh wow. She actually pretty bad. What's funny is years later, when I moved to New York, you know, and I was working at K rock doing overnight's, my buddy called me from Arizona. My friend was in Phoenix and he called me and he goes, you'll never believe who I just fucked. No. And I went, no way. It was her. Wow.

Wait, do you have 300? Dan, these aren't your friends. You need to leave these people out of your life. This is my friend, but he thought it was funny because he's a friend and he was like, I fucked your girlfriend from eighth grade. That's hilarious. I got in a fight with a good friend of mine

because he was making out with a girl and I was finger fucking her while he was making out with her. Wait, what? And then you guys got into a fight? She was, he didn't notice you there We're in the problem. I was sit Looks up how long have you been wait a minute Bobby remember this or wrong he was fingering a guy and making out They were making out lying they were on a stoop in the projects

We just got stoned. We all go fucked up and they were lying down and I was where he is She was lying like this and they were making out and I just reached in her pants and just started playing with her And then I started finger fucking her. Yeah, so you but she knew she knew cuz she me and her were fucking behind his back a little bit after that how old are you? 13 and you were in that you were in that deep of a love triangle. I did I did a lot of weird shit What kind of pussy were you getting in New England? I had no pussy till I was able to vote It was no I was not on my my first girlfriend fucking cheated on me and I had the same instincts She was she we she went to college at

When I was 17 18, I fell in love with this girl first girlfriend ever and She went to college she went to whatever in Boston and then I remember Simmons now BC now be you now my T No, Harvard. No, Brandeis. No ITT Decc. No, it was over by... Johnson & Wales. No. The University of Boston.

And no. I said that one. Mass Amherst. It was no. DeVry. Wentworth. No. DeVry Boston.

It was over by Faneu Hall in that area in the back bay. Suffolk. Suffolk is... Suffolk. Oh, yeah, yeah. Suffolk. And that's hilarious. We actually got to it. She... in that area in the back bay. Suffolk, Suffolk is a- Suffolk, oh yeah, yeah. Suffolk, and- That's hilarious, we actually got to it.

She, she wound up joining a sorority, and she had me make, I was at art school at that time, gonna be an art teacher, I had airbrush, I started air brushing, she made me airbrush all these sweatshirts for the sorority. The full sorority? I had 10 sweatshirts, I stayed up all night to go to the hockey

game and she was fucking one of the hockey players. Damn. Yeah. So he, I asked her later to him, did you fucking the hoodie I made you? And she was like, well, we got started. Yeah. She's held us as merch. Yeah. She, uh, you should absolutely sell. But there is an instinct. A cheaters hoodie and airbrush. I knew she was, I, there was something off that was just was just I was like and then I went to a Park when I found I mean I almost still believed in Santa at the point that

happened to me what did you find out where did you find her purse I found a phone number said Steve and I was like who the fuck Steve because that was my girl and she's finding a number on paper would be like crazy she said it was she said it was her cousin it was was so long ago, the number was 48. Hello folks. Yeah, where's my folks? Yeah, she wound up confessing. I just wore it down. I'm like, I know you can tell me, you can talk to me.

I won't get mad. And then she told me, I was like, fuck you, fucking whore. That's what I did. Of course, tell me, like honestly, we have problems. You know, just tell me, tell me the truth. It's fine, I'm not even gonna get mad. And the whole time, like inside of your, your, your head's on fire and you're already like holding back tears waiting

Say what you're gonna say yeah, I've been I wrote a poem didn't we read the poem on why kwt years ago? Yeah, I remember that I wrote a poem. I went a hero to poem to That's not the memorable poem from a cheating breakup thing that happened in our lives That Lewis has the I have a V poem. I got into substances because I'm a man. I Got into substances without any of them heartbreak damn Yeah, I started doing drugs when I was fucking. Oh, yeah, I forgot you're already sober by the time this happened Yeah sobered 15. Yeah, I was getting in as you were getting out. Gentlemen, let's take a quick moment

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I would love another Starbucks. Yeah. Oh, if you do, I'll take it. I'll do it. Yeah. Why not? Yeah. Why not? Let's go. Yeah. I got five producers. Why not? I'll have, I'll have the same thing. Just yeah, take those tea bags out. Maybe I'll take another one too. Chocolate brownie. Yes. And to make up for the bagel. Why what's up with the bagel? Your first, cause I know you like when we had sex it was like sex, but your first time me having sex I feel like it would be awkward Like a disaster that's hurtful. I'm sorry

No, I bet I think Joe would remove those glasses and just absolutely fucked the shit out. Well, I didn't have glass All right, I didn't have glass damn it. Joe. I'm trying to set you up. No, I didn't have glasses. She had glasses Yeah Damn it, Joe. I'm trying to set you up. No, I didn't have glasses. She had glasses. Yeah. And you were. She'd cut random glasses for high impact. I closed Linder like Mikhail. No, I don't know. I'm my girlfriend and I don't have a good memorable first time. He's story we were dating and I do. So it was natural for you. You guys were like boyfriend and girlfriend. You guys went. You guys best friends. We were like and you guys lost you

That's adorable. Yeah, it was sweet. I do remember going down on she like a full book and just licking like just licking Yeah, like uncontrollably all over not first time I gave head it was college And it was a lady with a full bush and you're just like Gave head It's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, gave head. Yeah, that was weird. It's a funny way to say the word. That's not funny. That's the funny, the fucking weird.

Yeah, dude, I'll suck puss. Fuck you guys. Yeah, no, Claire had to cut a little bit of a bush, but she knew to trim it up. She had to just puss here above the puss, or maybe it's the way the Asian pussy grows naturally. Yeah, it does grow the most beautiful succulent fruit. Yeah. The first one, I had a black, I had a black white girl.

Tawny. A black white girl? Yeah, was she a cookie? Was she? I was like, a tawny half, dude. I used to Was she? I was like, I tore her in half, dude. I ate the chocolate side first. I don't need another coffee pot. Yeah, I'll take one.

Yeah, she was Milado, and she had a little tiny hair. Such an old school term. What is this, the 50s? Yeah. She had half the rights. Yeah, that's fucking wild. She was half white, half negro, and... You remember the color girl from down the street

Poppy, I don't think we say that anymore Yeah, she had a nice little patch not a lot of hair. I like that You were 13 when you lost your region. Well, you were molested. No, I was younger than 13 when I lost my I was 11 11 somewhere in there and I mean I when I was 16. I was like, what is this? I'm just banging around down here. I have no idea. What do you do at 10? Well, your peck are so little at 10 or 11. Yeah.

Like it's just not like 16. You're like, get this thing out of me. Get this come out of me. I'm 11 to 12. I don't think it was 10. Maybe 21, 22. No, if I'm looking back, it was probably 11, 12. It was before, because 13 when is when I started

to hang out with this. When I was 13, I started to hang out with these drinking and really doing drugs. Yeah. I look 10, 11, 12, as I kind of did it. And then I quit for a little bit. And I was, you know, I kind of, I always felt like awkward when those the kids I hung out with would do all that like super mature shit when we were like 12. I'd be like, OK.

They're like, yeah, she's got fingers. It was like I was just got fingered in the back room and you're like, I'd be like, okay. Yeah, they're like, yeah, she's got finger. It was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was they were having sex he thought if you've had a pregnancy scare when he was like twelve i had a pregnant hilarious she was like thirteen or five years old years older than that is the old mate joke or is like these these sixteen pregnant they haven't figured out by the time they're eighteen that girl that for your thirty black girl that i had sex with the first time we got it she got she's black they were telling me that she got pregnant i don't summer school that year because i got five just i fucked up a school so it didn't do at I had to go to summer school that year because I got, I just, I fucked up at school.

So it's- We didn't do at least once in a summer school, you're not cool. They were coming up to call me. Once. Once and never, I got it and I was like, I'm never doing this. You said, my summer?

I'm coming to a school during the summer? Mine was, by the way, between eighth and ninth grade. Why do you think she was hanging out with that other group? Damn. You fucked up. They called me. They used to call me father-ball. And the, the, the, the, the, the, the,, they used to call me in summer camp. They were going, dude, you got a pregnant, but it wound up. She was fucking an 18 year old. She was

fucking this other kid that wanted to get him. She was pregnant. She was, she got pregnant, but she got an abortion with him. It wasn't mine. Rapist. Yeah. Well, back then it wasn't 18 and 13 is wild yeah, yeah That was love in the 60s, but she was fucking Elvis was 24 and for still it was 14 Yeah, that wasn't bad back then but you write blue-sway shoes. Yeah, they're gonna give you a kid She fucked my friend Dickie not Dickie Dickie caught they took me in the we had a fort and then he was like dude We got to tell him and Scott Kelly when they're like we got to tell you something

I'm like what was your friend with we got to tell him and Scott Kelly. We're like, we got to tell you something. I'm like, what? Well, did you have a friend with the same last name as you? Scott Kelly. Yeah. When you, when you hung out, they call you dicky and pussy. Sit down. They took me into our little fort and they're like, we got to talk to you. I'm like, what's up? They're like, I want to let you know, dude, your girl's a whore. I'm like, what? What are you talking about? He's like, dude, I'm on this website, arrows.com. He goes, I fucked her. What? I'm like, what? What are you talking about? He's like, dude, I fuck. She's on this website, aeros.com.

He goes, I fucked her. What? I'm like, yeah, I fucked her in front of the rectory. I'm like, where my grandmother works? You weren't, you weren't. Damn, that is an act of war. At least Matt was like, dude, I didn't even know. I was like, dude, she goes, yeah, I just had to let you know because I love you brother.

I didn't want to let you to date a whore. And I'm like, all right, but I was such a kid. I was like, I went and broke up with her. was yeah, I climbed a tree. That's what you do Fuck it's so sad. I was such a romantic I climbed the tree near her house and I she get I gave her a necklace I stole from my sister and I and I made her give it back I carved our names in the tree too. It was a sad, I was a little romantic fuck. Me too. I was romantic. Yeah. I was super romantic. Still am. Me too. Yeah. I

love love. No, you don't. No, but I would do it in like high school. I dated a girl and fucking, you're not romantic. You've never made dinner for your girl and candles and candles. What's the most romantic thing you've done for your girl, Dan? High fived her. Fought it in front of her. Slug bug purple. I did Andre on her birthday. I do a macho man program for her.

You're not a romantic guy, Dan. That's fine. I disagree. Joe's a romantic guy. Joe's a romantic guy. I'm romantic. I'm passionate. You're a fucking jar of mayonnaise.

There's nothing romantic about fucking Disagreasy man. Azy Dan. We've gone out to lovely dinner No, you just went out to the dinners in your high fives and get your elbow there on the gut Dan Dan gets a fucking Care fuck you phonies Have you ever soft kissed there and then put your hand on her face Actually, it was a stone We were kissing I go you're good kisser So many times

In the beginning it's all kissing kissing non-cyber I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid.

I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid.

I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid.

I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I'm not a good kid. I don't like, I would never fall. Come stinks. What comes great? Johnny, you really like to be snowballed. I thought he was kidding.

You get one where you go. Second one. You go. Sarah never got pregnant. He kept eating. Joe, you need to let it go in me. Can I say my wife was born in 1978. So I said to my wife, spit my cum in my mouth. That would be the end of our relationship. She wouldn't talk to me again. That would be it. You should be like, fuck you.

Has anybody here ever been snowball? No. If anyone, it would be you. No, hold on. Define snowball. Define snowball. Guys, Bobby, that's what exactly, hold on, what I was going to say is, Lewis and Bobby are on that side of the table where I could see both of you. I'm looking, I'm twisting it into a sexual thing. Joe's saying it because you're so ridiculous. Because I remember talking about, you've tasted your own cum. I remember talking about that a long time ago.

Yeah, when I was like 12. Yeah, I've, I've died when I was, when I was 38, I've done it. Yeah. See, that's not, I'm, I am joking. Yeah when I was like 12. Yeah, I've got it. I've died when I was like It's when I was when I was 38. I've done it. Yeah, see that's not I'm I am joking I find come to be vile. I hated it too all 300 kick a bitch down the steps if she still has it on You get away from my fucking my bad decision. You know, I'm not a guy if a woman blows me I'm not like go fucking brush. I don't I'm not like that. I was kidding around All right, so if you blow a load in a girl's mouth, don't kiss me for five minutes. What are you setting the clock?

I have to. She's just gonna sit there and hold it. I'm with you, I'm in the same pit. I'm like, I don't wanna be kissed by the way. Are you swollen? I'm not. Oh, fuck off. Are you just waiting for the five minutes to kiss her?

Is there something in your mouth? Yeah, I don't know. When they open their mouth And they're stuck together like a rabbit dog. I Don't I don't think you know even this is making me crazy Did you I had a girl swallow my cums and then she spit it in my I made us both cappuccinos and she spit it in our cappuccino Did she do a little design? design. She made a leafy go. That's me. How did you do? You're a chicken balls. You made the thing where it's from. I like that. I don't like coming all. Some people like them.

Did you drink the cappuccino? No, wait, there's some guy. I know one of our friends likes to get snow. Justin Silver. He likes men, which that was Dave. That was, I'm not into sex, shaming, but Dave Smith had the best line because Justin said this isn't going to be a popular opinion, but sometimes I'll come on a girl and eat it. And Dave goes, well, that's not an opinion. That's just the thing you do. You didn't even share an opinion. But I'm not, I'm not into shaming, whatever it gets you through. Go crazy. I'll eat an ass. I'll eat an ass and a heartbeat. I'd love it. I got back from jiu-jitsu yesterday

And I was like, I was like, listen to me before you shower Please let me lick the sweat out of your ass right now. I'm not into that. She wouldn't let me Get the fuck out of here good for her. I don't like mustard. No, I do I'd say this I like getting milked Excuse me milk. Yeah. Oh like from behind like you're on your hands and knees. I like it. I'm a hands and knees have a girl Yeah, that Oh, he also sleeps sitting up That is put on your bell that's not that Giant bell, but does she milk you into a coffee?

I'm great a I'm great a I'm a homergeist I'm a homergeist Homergeist I like that. I like I like it my but like to I like I used to not really much anymore But when you get milked are you on all fours? Well back in the day my thing was all fours and have her So never jerk you off while you're facing suck my dick from behind like from behind That's weird. I go weird. Yes. You're dick's facing the opposite. Yeah. How does that happen when I get a boner? It's pressed up against my tongue. No, but you bend it down. You bend it down, bend it down, bend it back. It kinda hurts. No. I'm sure it makes it extra hard and tight.

It does, dude. It's like a cock ring. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't get it back there. Yeah, it was, I don't do it anymore because I would never do that to the person I love. But...

So would you clamp your legs to keep it back there? No, she would hold it. And then she would... How's your rear end up pulling forward? Bring it up, show the thing thing. Yeah milk it milk it milk porn. I do I used to like it I used to actually have girls. Let me sign in. I'll get my favorite only do that Like certain girls that I would really and they would yeah color like farmer Jane Not every girl does that and it's kind of embarrassing when they're like no. Yeah, it's kind of like I was just kidding That's getting turned down getting turned down for a titty fuck back in the day.

Yeah. Okay. Fuck your tits and she go, what? What's that? Did you leave a tip? What did you say? Oh, McDonald had a farm. E I E I O and in that form he had a Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's fucking great. Dude, dude, here. I thought he was cutting towards a worst bomb of all time. He pulled it out with a dude. Here and there and there and everywhere, dude, dude. Fuck dude dude here Holding a feedback Don't bring up the training shit. I don't bring up the training shit. You're getting so hard Bring up the milk and you fuck it. These guys suck. Yeah for a guy, a guy, just milking. It's called milking. It's a thing. I know he's stupid. Come on. Pull it together, dude. Sex milk. Whoever's doing that. Get it together.

Is it milking fingering your butthole? No, no, no, no. That's milking your prostate. That's milking your prostate. That's milking your, but that's another thing. But I never got into that. There you go. Oh, there you go. You're playing with your balls. I'm fucking jerking them down. Yeah. There you go. That one, a third from the balls and it's cock like that. All I would do is be milked. No, I'd stop like milk that thing. Yeah. Good. I'd be daffy. Duck dude. You would never see me in pain. That dick. I'd be doing that all the time. I'd be doing that all the time. I'd be talking to you guys while I did that. Just constantly squeeze in my big balls. I go, sorry, dude. You got to be ready.

These hoes come out of nowhere and grab you from behind. That's what Ari's dicking balls like. Oh my God, dude. His balls don't look good. What a fun time, dude. Just taking up that much space in the world. Oh my God, dude. That's parking in two spaces. Oh my God, dude. Dry. That's parking in two spaces. Wow. Yeah, that was pretty. I liked that. Not anymore. And so when did you stop doing it? When you hit your thirties? Yeah. I think when I got too fat, you want to stomach started hitting the bench. Yeah. I don't know how to tell you this, but I couldn't hold my breath. The schematics on this are all off.

I can't get it back there yeah yeah you know I could feel you got it dude that's nuts why you get married I'm gonna ask my wife to do that this disgusting yeah I'm gonna do any like really freaky shit now with my wife in bed with your wife a couple things but I would let you fuck my wife a couple yeah like I'm not into like any like anything like really like like a confidence in that I know you would shut the fuck up with never let you know that that that's some freaky as shit because I'm waiting for you it's not

that freaky it's just a blowjob from behind it's like a 69 but you it's a thing you have to ask for when you got to get into position for it you assume a position it's not set. That's exactly it. Who has nailed it? If you gotta be like, are you ready to go into position? And she goes, Oh, McDonald. This is also the problem being sober. When you have like a few cocktails, little drugs, you can be like fucking bend over

and shugging the fucking dildo in my ass. When you do it, when you're sober, it's like, would you mind if you milk? By the way, when you're sober, you hear the words coming out of your mouth more. Where you going? But I wanna fuck your kids. When I was sober,

I went from drugs alcohol to sex for a long time. When I started doing comedy and I could get laid and I didn't have to get drunk and do drugs to get laid, and I used standup to get laid, I just went full blown into sex addiction for a long time. But that's single. Single. Like married is even tougher to be like honey.

No, you can't do it married because God forbid somebody, Max walks in. I guess we'll. Right. Before you break up and they tell him about the idea. That's the thing, you break up and they go, you don't have this motherfucker like me. Yeah, and it's in the divorce papers.

He used to make me, he degrade me, how? Over, those are the differences. Those are the things you couldn't reconcile. I just give her all I wanted to be a cow and milked your honor Yeah, yeah milking is not a I wouldn't suggest it. What is the freakiest thing you're into sexually? Hmm pretty vanilla. We know you are vanilla, but you have something in your closet. I know you do. Yeah There's no light in the closet. No, no, what's yours? I just told you something. He's got 20 minutes I mean milk getting milked like a cow When Bobby does it called getting milkshaked Milk shaking we got it

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Pull it out of my throat like a magician What is yours? What's the weirdest thing you like the weird probably public sex is my weirdest like to have sex in public I Was into that too. That's crazy to me. There's no way I could do that. Yeah, I used to have a girl blow me We should go to the drive-thru it I got blown on a beach once and it was fucking wild The whole time just like what's going on back there? Thank you very much. I We used to go pull up to the drive through at Duncan donuts

And I would just order and then pull while you're getting suck and she'd suck me and they would never even a really acknowledge Oh the fucking guy getting a hammers back Yeah, I used to have a nice a big one I'd be driving and I'd get road head road heads Grown-head is fun, but it's all but I'd like to I drive up next to a like a guy and like a truck or an SUV Yeah, let him see and then he's like We're in the back of a cab I would very often fuck a chick that I'd like try to get I would like fucking I would get blowjobs in the back of cab.

Get the eyebrows. You'd always have to get the sign with the licensing stuff on, that's where you would have to sit. This is back in the day before there was an Uber, dude, there was no paper trail. You could do whatever you wanted in and to cab drivers. Get out of my way. It was fucking like, threaten them,

you could fucking cut their tires, fucking kick their door, dent their door, fuck a chick. It was the wild west. It's also funny, because I remember Lewis talking about how he couldn't get a cab. Yeah, I know. It is wild that they would pick you up and just go, fuck, here we go.

What's the wildest thing you've ever done? What's your thing? Well, I got blown on the beach, like I said. I've gotten like, headed. What's your thing, though? I like, this is the freakiest shit. I like a lady to be naked except in tennis shoes. I like white tennis shoes on it.

Calm tennis shoes. She should take off her blouse. Yeah, what are you, Chevy Chase? Make me sick. Blouse. I like that shit. I fucking talk that way. I do. I'm from a different region of the United States. You fucking region of snakes? No, region of fucking. No Lick my ass No, tennis shoes is embarrassing he's a fucking idiot, but just give me a minute to be vulnerable

Oh, I didn't fucking know Sensitive I love sneakers on a naked lady. I like I like Had to start with Nate this is one of Nate and I's big fights we got in a fist fight 20 years ago It's a regional thing. It's a hilarious thing. Who call them tenors? It's in the south and in the west. Two guys throwing a punch and breaking their wrists. I've been doing MMA for years. Yeah, whatever. Elmer's, go get fucking milk. That was it.

That was funny. I thought you called them Elmers. But I'm not that freaky. I think when I was I was younger tennis shoes is creepy. No, it's fucking I love it. I don't know why it makes me makes me go. You know what the freaky thing that I kind of like I don't ever go to your house to see a row of tennis shoes by the front. I swear to God one time Just to get off There's nothing crazy around that. I don't know why fucking a lady just in shoes. I'm like gonna go rebate it just to get off. Stop making tensions. There's nothing crazier beyond that. I don't know why fucking a lady just in shoes,

I'm like, it's hot. I like it. Yeah, the hottest. Now, is it in the bed with the shoes or? No, we're not gonna dust up. Got E. Coli in your bed. Yeah, fuck that. Don't bring the door.

They do it on the tennis court. That'd be cool. So you have tennis fucking shoes that don't go out? You put on the re-box. Therefore, you just get a pair and you go, and what are those? You fuck. She comes home and you're just watching the shoes. So you have your girl, often you...

No, no, we have... Once in a while it's a thing, you're like, hey, babe, put the shoes on. Or the shoes you go. You got the shoes on? No. That's crazy. See, Dan, we was going to pull the thread a a little bit we find out that you're a fucking sociopath

I'm a sociopath. That's American psychoshin. That's my big thing. I mean, I had a whole bit about it I bought shoes exclusively for sex but like he has fucking yeah some nice heels Heals around yeah, what are you doing role play then? what are you talking about Kaiser? It's in the same place. He's not fucking. Chris Hall. Sanity of a rose. I like you've never had a girlfriend dress up for you and shit. You will role play. Yeah. I love role. You guys have all.

I've never bought tennis shoes. I have either. I have it. I have it. We do a stripper fantasy It's not sneakers tennis shoes. I'm not fucking like 1081. Oh, sorry. You don't care about your girl's comfort after none of these are doing anything for me get out of here Learn the brand or get the Achilles would be sick babe. Get the kid chase her down Fucking I want you to glide glide for me. Now sneakers is hot, bro. Yeah. Hell yeah. I've done some weird fantasy role play stuff. Yeah. We do. We do a, we do a stripper thing. We do a thing where that's crazy. Why sneaking through a window? It was a rape fantasy. It was her. No, I was always

robbing. Oh, robbery turned rape. Well, no no it was a rape. It was robbery turn. What are you doing here Robin Kelly? Fat man and Robin so what was yours cuz Louis said his his is public minds. I told you my time was milking If you don't you don't actively do it anymore. I can't what's your net what's your next king? What do you and dawn do? We just have a very good sex don't actively do it anymore. I can't what's your net what's your next king? What do you and dawn do? We just have regular sex when we can do it. Yeah, it's it's it's a lot, you know, I mean you know I here's the thing you get a couple days off from James. I Don't get that we hit where every time I'm home where you know, I'm not I don't I still won James is home I bang yeah, baby, but I'll watch yeah put him to bed bed We fucking go to town now in fact recently he came knocking on the door He's like why is your bed squeaking so much really and he's gonna have this memory. It's gonna be like he's gonna one day go

Lewis literally puts him to bed and goes to town he goes out and does how old you I'm 41. Yeah, dude. I'm I'm 10 years older than you. Okay, it's a different game. I think 12. Didn't you say 53? I'm ten years older than you. Okay, it's a different game. I think 12 didn't you say 53? I was just a little I mean, I just don't know I give yourself some years I was just I was rounded. I mean for the point of the bit you should probably stick to the actual difference Which is 12 I'm 12 years older than 10 12 whatever You're a hot chick. You could have been his kid when I was when I was born Bobby was Addicted to drugs and finger-banging. Yeah, he was fucking yeah, he had Bobby was addicted to drugs and finger banging. Yeah, he was fucking. Yeah, he had already had a sex life. Yeah. Yeah, which led to milking.

What's your thing? I mean, I'm a big shoe guy, but not not not real smart sneakers. But yeah, we have a basket of shoes under the bed. Oh really? No, it's like a shoe shoe. Get out of here. We haven't really, we haven't done the shoe. I haven shoot Ivan I've only done that a couple times in my life move the panties to the side. That's not that's sick Yeah, I like I do like any to the side and then I I'm like this is kind of distracting the friction on the one side of my dick I start going on friction. I'm like dude. I was like that's gonna turn into an abrasion now I'm gonna convince myself in burpees That's the relief when you pull all the way down and then go.

That was good. I'm just wanting to see what you're eating. Which what other role play we do a thing where she pretends to be a passed out college student and she disconnects and just like stares at the wall. I like that. That's fucking just that is nuts. Yeah, we do Terry Shivo.

Do you need it? Then you pull a plug out of the wall. Now I'm going to move on with my life. Yeah, dude, we do that. When you come in here, she actually comes back to life like you fixed her. Oh my God. Your life juice. We do a massage fantasy where I pretend to be an Israeli masseuse. That's great. What's the voice you use? Why is it? Israeli Israeli what's?

Are you going to be able to pay me that's French? What I do when I do in Israeli I'm like, oh miss Jenna Please Oh miss Jenna, uh, you have to go like this please Shitty voice Massage one is good. I've done massage massage. Here's the here's the thing because her You fucking massage if like 15 minutes by the time you're into that. She's like she lets her guard down She's ready to go your fingers going between the buck crack a little bit rubble on the Puss. Oh, do you have a table you do this on or use on the couch? Where do you live on the bed? No, I do it. Let me ask you have a hookup with a real masseuse. I

have What was I wish I fucking could ever hook up with a woman that has anything that could help me Like it's always fucking like they never have a skill set that helps. It's always just fucking worried about. She, I don't know. You fucked a lot of comics. We could punch up some stuff for you. We cut that out before he fucking, she leaves them. No, but she doesn't fucking massage dude. But yeah, Does she dance for you? Yeah. She'll just put together any numbers. She put a number together. She choreographs for me. She just keeps it down. Why don't you choreograph some

while you are at work, I put this together. I hooked up with a masseuse. I knew it was gonna happen too, cause halfway through, you know when they do your hand? I held her hand and she just held my hand. And you knew it was on? Dude, I just knew it was on. Is this sexy Bobby? Dude, this is sexy Bobby.

Did you get up on all fours ago? Oh, she goes, I know, I know. No, she was telling me about her fake boobs. And I was like, I was like, your fake, I think those are real, they look great. She goes, no, they're fake. She goes, can you check them and tell me what you think? I go, yeah, go ahead.

And she took them out. And I was like, these are perfect. I just thought, I go, these are really nice. What? We just started making out. The story's insane. That's, yeah, it's a penthouse. One of the best, one of the best set,

one of the best fucks I've ever had in my life was this person You know the certain people that you can just you fuck them and your dick was made for their pussy You ever have that we like are you the key master? Exactly Man it was fucking she lived in a she lived in a barn stall. Yeah, booze may not be fake, but this story sure is She actually told I told This is embarrassing. I but it's not very much what is I said I made it tell me that she loves me what? She was buddy. I do some sick shit for a living. No

And then after you're done or you go like so that was real right and now you love me You made her tell you you love her. Yeah, she loves you. I kind of that was into that. I did that with my wife Yeah, I got dinner. I'm like just say you love me please and she's pushing around food to the fork I'm like tell me I love you Joe Yeah, it was hot I'm a soos hooking up with a regular drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink.

I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like, I'm gonna go get a drink. I was like this is nuts. Hell. Yeah. Yeah It was one of those things where you're like how the fuck did I end up here? It was cool I did when you're not in that that is more thrilling because it's been so long since I've like hooked up with a chick

Having nothing to do with comedy dude Don't you know I'm saying so I swear you're like you're like in life and you're at a bar I guess you're like it's some fucking chick But what Bobby said just rung a memory for me where you have that touch and you go like are we about to fuck yeah one touch I remember I was doing I was hosting New York's funniest the competition at Caroline's and after the show I was like it was during the day during the New York County Festival I was having beers while I was hosting so I was kind of like I'm fucking out And I started joke flirting with this hot older lady

that was there with a friend. And I was like, and then she went like, what are you doing later? I'm like, I don't know. It was nice meeting you. And we hugged in a way that I was like, oh. Yeah, this song. You wanna hang out later?

And she was like, yes. And I was like, this rules. There's certain people that you have this thing. That was awesome. She just, you had. The way she pushed into me, I was like, what's up? Is something like you when you're supposed to fuck somebody. I think. I was like, what's up? Something like you when you supposed to fuck somebody.

I think when I feel like I had so little times in my life where like it was just a normal thing. Like you're like, oh, like, hey, you're pretty good about your drink. Like that doesn't happen. So before I did comedy, I was selling comedy club tickets. So I always had an excuse to just approach a fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hell. Yeah. Stop it. used to just approach a fucking yeah hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah I watch you know, it's funny is cigarette up off the ledge. Yeah, well. Oh shit. I thought you could pick something casing you. I think there was another comic in the grassy north. There's no way there was one guy. Like that was a fucking magic bullet.

So you were selling comedy tickets? Oh, that fucking hurt. Fuck. That literally made me hurt my fucking stomach. Yeah, I was selling comedy tickets and I would just fucking use a prochecheky. Be like, hey, what's going on? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? You find it? She's a tourist, whatever it is.

And you're in a conversation within like five minutes and you're asking her questions. It's, it's, it's the rules of dating. Like you start finding out about her, your lab, you're making her laugh. You're asking her questions. You seem really interested. You're trying to get them to give you fucking cash or pussy. And that's what it was. If they didn't give you cash, the next step was like, okay, let me get your number, let's hang out later. And it was like, it was so- You before you learn how to be good at it,

don't you go, cash your pussy, what are you getting? You're getting so- But honestly, you could, it was genuinely a game of numbers and if you disconnected from it and had no emotion- You literally- That's a sociopath. You'd clean the fuck up, you'd get like three, four numbers of chicks per day.

If you disconnected from it. He's over here calling me a sociopath. He goes, now what you do is you break your brain from emotion. You're free to do whatever you want. And you treat them like things. They are, they are vessels of things, either pussy or money. Anyway, so does the sociopath because he likes shoes on his lady while they fuck. Real sociopath.

Hey, watch out for this guy, real danger to society. A guy that's never, is proven to never be good with women, even his own woman. He can't even finger fucker, right? Yeah. Just rub the book. God, and that guy was a fighter pilot, bombed so many villages in Iraq.

And I proudly stand up. Shhh. Next to you in Venice till today. It's a little Joseph. Greenwood, baby. Joseph Claus of the Patriot. I just want to let everyone know that. I love him there.

He's voting for Trump. Fuck yeah, dude. Enough already with the... Nah, man. He's writing in DeSantis. He's in it for the long haul. DeSantis is out. He just quit.

Not to Joe. He just bowed out this weekend. He's out and Vex out. Bobby learned about that on OAN. He goes all the... You do all the fringe news sites now. Bobby listens to Ted Nugent's podcast and goes, it's like bizarre world ONA. O-A-N-Norton. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, Yeah, he's done. He's he quit. He put all he endorsed Trump to him and Vivek are both behind Trump. Yeah. Well, great Joe Yeah, let me run you love America. I do love what you plug real quick. Yeah, let's go Plug it up do it in the camera. Where's Joe's camera? Right here website. Joe. I get up. Let me begin. Yeah. Him to win battle. Me. That's a sin. I got to boy. I have to update my website. It's literally just February 9th on there for Austin. That's embarrassing. I have a lot more dates than that. Go to punch up live.

Can you go to punch up live.com? That's what Joe's special is right now too. Make sure you go there and check it out. Yeah. My specials up there. Both specials for free. Punch up live.com for free. I got a bunch of videos up there. I'm at a county membership is all sold out. Every single show, every ticket is sold out. I'm at Springfield, Missouri, Missouri, February 20, second of the 24th, something like that. Pittsburgh improv. It looks like March 29th through the whatever. Don't worry about the punch up. Oh, got it right there. Hurry up. Just go to it. You fuck. There it is. Yeah. Springfield, Missouri. What's that date say March, February? Fuck February 20. It doesn't matter. I fucked this all up. Traverse city one night only January

31st. Mother ship. You can't go. You missed your opportunity. Springfield, Missouri. Go to punch up. I'm right there right after you March 8th through the 10th. You're there the fifth or something like that. March. Oh, okay. Damn. I mean, February, February. Yeah. Cause I'm we're going to March. Are we overlapping at all? I think so. Cause I hit up Shane and he was like, Oh, Lewis is doing the pod that day. Do it together. I mean, it's, it's his show. I don't know if he'd tell tell him it's okay Maybe we can do it who show who's that Shane's oh? Anyway, what yeah, I'd love to do What do

What oh, I'm trying to be he doesn't even get back to me yet I would love to do it with you that'd be we'd have the best one. Well, let him know I'm gonna see who I'm overlapping with an Austin Incredible chemistry there's nothing worth it being an awesome with nobody the big I go hey I'm gonna see who I'm overlapping with in Austin. It's one of my friends who have incredible chemistry. There's nothing worth it being an awesome with nobody. The big, I go, Hey, I was there and everybody was out of town at the mothership was just me and the green alone. So do you take alpha brain?

The big date though, May 2nd, Regent Theater in Los Angeles. I'm doing a show on skid row in a theater. I'm up against the biggest comedy show in history. They added a show. It's Manus Calco burr. Oh, I fell in Nate literally at the same time. No, same day, same night. Same time. Yes. I'm on skin row. They're at the Hollywood bowl. I'm literally on skid. Well, you're there May 3rd, May 2nd, but I'll be there. May 3rd. Why don't you stick around and do

a live version of my podcast for Netflix? You want me though? No, absolutely. But I'll be there may say why don't you stick around and do a live version of my podcast for Netflix? Me though not an LA comic. I'm gonna have like a fucking panel. Oh, all right Dude, we'll fucking make it a Money dude, I'm rich All right, yeah, all right, Dan, what do you got coming up? I will be in Stanford, Connecticut at the New York Comedy Club. I think that might be sold out. That is February 3rd, February 4th, Hartford, Funny Bone. It's a Sunday night football. It's the week in between Hartford, Funny Bone. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Hartford, Funny Bone, February 4th,

in between Super Bowl, NFC Championship game in Super Bowl, go Niners. I'll be at Hartford, Funny Bone. And then February 17th, two shows at the Wilbur Theatre. First one sold out late show tickets available to Saturday night. I'm going to have Dan Saint-Germain with me. It's going to be fun as hell. Come on out to the Wilbur Theatre to the second show and then Cleveland,

Ohio, February 22nd through the 24th. I will be at Hilarides and then March 1st and 2nd. I'm going to be at the comedy mothership in Austin, Texas, Dan Soder.com for dates. I'm going to be putting out a new tour poster soon, but since an adium on my way, Louisville, I'm going to be doing a one nighter there. I think, uh, I got a lot of shit. Dancer.com and listen to my podcast, Soder, brand new podcasts, two thirds of Ben on and Lewis's book to come on. He's going to come in on February. Nice. Lewis, what do you got this weekend? Comedy Key West Thursday, or Sunday. I love that. I got to get back down there. So fun. Can't wait. Uh, then February 9th and 10th, Saratoga Springs, Poughkeepsie is coming up, side splitters, Tampa.

What's that guy love all those gloves? Great. The morning, the morning, Iowa, East Providence, Rhode Island, Red Bank, Royorsford, all this shit, Lewis of skanks.com. It is the meaty ogre tour coming to a city near you. It's all brand new material. And yeah, Scotch Applans could be on most of these shows with me. Check out my other pods, Legion of skanks and the real ass podcast all available on gas digital.com. And that's really it. All right. Check me out. I'm going to be at the comedy connection. All four shows are sold out. We added a Sunday show. I made it 6 30 in between the games. So Sunday comedy

connection. The actually was at the 20, 28th, 28th, there you go. And then I'm in Point Pleasant. I'm going to be at the Comics Roadhouse. I'm going back to Sidesputters, March 14th and the 16th, Laugh it up, Poughkeepsie. And then I'm going down to the Riot Comedy Festival in Houston. Comedy Mothership by your tickets are going to be there April 5th and April, April 6th to four shows down there. And then Dan's big head is in my way. Boston, Laugh Boston. I'm going back to Laugh Boston on April 26th through the 27th Lafayette comedy club. I'm all over the fucking place. Sarasota Atlanta. I'm doing the red clay bone to pick podcast is doing its live show, two shows in the red clay. And that is go scroll back up fuck face. May 11th. I got all my dates go there, but go to punch up

dot live right now and become a member. All's it is your email and you get to watch my special free. We got a bunch of clips up there. I'm gonna be putting another special up there coming up So punch up dot live go there and of course the bonfire on serious XM faction talk radio With a big J. O. Gerson. So there we go. I'm invited to skankfest, right? We're not announcing any lineup chat, but so that's just me I just so I moved a date so I could be there obviously Everyone here is gonna get skanked obviously I just moved a date so I could be there obviously everyone here If the fans want to know there's nobody that's in our fucking immediate circle that is not an open invite for skankfest It's all the other LA fucks and all the talentless ones that we have to add I can't wait guys. It's pretty crazy football is going nuts. I'm a 49ers fan. I'm so nervous.

I kind of want to bet, but I also do. I love betting. It's, if you're not a fan, if your team's not left in the playoffs, find a team that is and then go bet on it. And it's not just that. I mean, MMA is on every week. Pitching is on all the time right now.

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on your first deposit of $50 or more and you're gonna receive up to $200 in cash, instantly at mybookie.ag. Bet the house on the Niners losing. Fuck you. Aw. It's gonna be wild. I love this. We're doing some really cool shit for the kickoff too this year that we've never done Oh. It's gonna be wild. I love this.

We're doing some really cool shit for the kickoff too this year that we've never done before. Actually, I'll promote that as well. April 20th is when the general sale happens. And for the first time ever, we're announcing the lineup a week before the tickets go on sale.

We've never, we always announce the line of the day they go on sale. We're giving people a heads up because we have some really fun comics that have never done Skankfest before. I'll tell you what, man, I can't wait for Skankfest this year. We're gonna have the fucking, we're gonna have the fucking dude cigar thing. How big is it gonna be? I am excited for Skankfest before. I tell you what, man, I can't wait for Skankfest this year. We're gonna have the fucking,

we're gonna have a fucking dude cigar thing. How big is it gonna be? I am excited for that fucking deli. The dude tent, the deli in the circus. But also can I be real, the stoner in me, the circa, the deli that we found out about? So we not mentioned the cigar thing because everyone's gonna hear this and be like,

stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No, no, no, Joe, we figured it out. Okay. Moe, the guy from Tatooine, I love Moe. He's coming. We're going to get him a ticket. He's going to come and he's going to bounce the cigar tent and bring the cigars. Wait, why? Who's in the cigar tent last year?

That couldn't be in the cigar tent. You and everybody. You, your sister, your sister kept coming in. That cigar tent hang before the regs. That was awesome. That was the festival for me. Listening to the story. That was the best day.

That day we did regs was my favorite day of Skankfest ever. I don't even remember it. There's no fun. I got that Jason hoodie, and then we were all just chilling in the smoke tent. Yeah. There's no fun or, I mean, I love festivals. I do, I love it, but there's no fun or festival.

Well, it's all friends. But the fans, it's all, when you do other festivals, there's fans of them and fans of that. This is fans of everybody. And when you're walking through, they're just the best. They're not, they don't, they say, can I please, can I? They're never aggressive, never fucked up. Well, then occasionally you're like, this guy followed me from the bathroom.

One guy followed me from the bathroom. All the way to another show where I went, what are you doing? He goes, it's gang fest. Dude, we used to do ONA and it was, we used to go out and literally we'd do those big shows and Patrice, me and Voss and Norm, we'd be terrified. Cause you go out and the guy would be going, fuck you.

I mean, screaming at you. It was like this negative, you had to fight all these other fans that were great, me and Voss and we'd be terrified. Cause you go out and the guy would be going, fuck you. I mean, screaming at you. It was like this negative, you had to fight all these other fans that were great, but there was always a couple of them want to fucking throw something at you. It was crazy.

The skanks fans are all fucking just beautiful, nice. And it's just a, I love it. It's great. Three days, man, a fucking amazing festival. Shows are great, podcasts are fun. And the Dude's Cigar Lounge was awesome. I love it. It's great three days man a fucking amazing festival shows a great podcast of fun It's come the dude cigar lounge awesome, but but for five Are you coming longer? I don't know about longer. I have a kid Yeah, but I did book Oklahoma City and then you announced the thing on Twitter and I was like, ah

I might bring Max and dawn for the first two Max Max, Max can't come to the festival. He can't go to Vegas. I'm not gonna bring him to the festival, but he'll come to the evening. I would love to see Max. You already brought one Max that ruined the tent last year. This fucking Max, the producer, they just fucking, I just looked over, he was in the tent the whole time, just smoking bats.

But Max, I learned about Max. It's the best. There was a bunch of like young fucking comics that were like guys, ease up. I know, but I feel, what's funny bunch of like young fucking comics that we're like guys ease up You know where J-tape is special you just like children in that green room and then just like a nervous young comic sitting next to you I was like super stone just trying to have a cold water and he'd be like Hey, what's up, bud? There was a big the the cigar tent is going to be

policed better this year. There was a lot of people in there that was like, oh, fuck the industry. I'll be down at the Denny's battle rap and whoever wants a piece. Think about doing a jujitsu tournament this year. Oh! Here's my question, I thought the fighting thing was like,

we can't box, we could do other shit though I didn't like the kicking in the legs. Yeah, that sucked that fucking was weird Did you jiu-jitsu tournament you will do I have a lot of stuff planned whatever I don't honestly guys I don't we have nine months. I don't want to just talk about skankfest for the next night literally the fans hate Just the conversation for a year all year long really I say one thing and you can throw this in the edit pile? If you wish. I mean, I mean, can we make skanks, geese, like Cobra Kai? Yeah. I want a headband. Key whiz.

I was, you know what? I got, I got Lewis at the end. Lewis is always down for a pun underrated, like, oh, not underrated, but you don't, you know, people don't think of you as the pun guy. As a pun guyrated like are not underrated, but you don't, you know, people don't think of you as the pun guy, but you love a pun. People got mad at me for doing a magic trick online. Everyone was like, dude, Lewis is, this is Lewis. Really? This is good. People are really upset. I do your, uh, was that salt and pepper trick all the time. I can fuck it up. I do fuck it up. That's like what somebody tries to

tell somebody's joke at work the next day. They just hear the salt, the salt shake it, hit the I learned a bunch of magic tricks from Danny Brafs boys. Those two guys are magicians too, but they refuse to do it. Did you ever do a trick for Nate's dad? Yeah. He also, he told me a variation on a trick that you did. When you did it was he like, he did. He got into Nate's.

No, he was impressed. He was. He was like, it's pretty good. I just did laugh it up, but Kipsey and, um, no, this is down the street. By the way, nobody, but this, everyone's a conspiracy theory, by the way, theorist. Everyone's like stack deck, bullshit. Let's say let's see it. You're looking hot in that video.

Did we get a little volume? A little young dad book. I should have shuffled on the, on the camera. I realize. Oh, this is an old trick. This trick is no literally and I mean this zero skill involved. This is based off of just the cards doing all the work for you by putting the man in certain order. Not real magic. Jesus. You think they're in a certain order. This is trash show. The cards are in a certain order. Here's what I'll say. I don't even know. I don't want to watch

anymore. Joe Joe get on all fours because Lewis is looking. Joe's gonna want that edited. Dan, let me tell you something, Dan or Joe. This is, there's no, we're the shoe boys though. Shoes are open. I'm the milk boy. I'm the milk boy, Bob. Listen, there's no skill involved with this trick. I don't know what the trick is,

but this is the type of trick, I don't know. And these guys will back me up on this. There are certain tricks where it's like, This is, there's no skill involved with this trick. This is, I don't know what the trick is, but this is the type of trick that I don't know, but there, and these guys will back me up on this. There are certain tricks where it's like, so here's four piles of five cards, and here, look at the third card on that pile, now put it in any order, now count to number seven, and just keep counting, and the card's coming out

in an order in a certain way, where you're like, look, now they're all in order. It's horseshit. Can I tell you right now? There's no fucking magic involved, there's no skills involved, there's no sleight of hand involved. Yeah. Anybody could do that. Lewis just did like this. What are your friends goes? Can I tell you a joke? And I go, no, I'm going to tell you why that's fucking a retard. Cause you went like this.

Do you go there? That's what I'm going to make the play on. Hey, that's making me mad. Do you even call that a magic trick? It's making me furious. Lewis is saying all this and his number one trick is fucking put a thing in his hood. No, that's not my number one trick. Lewis, the cute trick that I do for retorts. Hey, Lewis, I know you're off the white lane, but next regs, can we get a magic show to show Joe?

A magic show? Can a little known fact, you weren't on Coke? I wasn't actually on Coke. What is this? I don't know what it is. Coke magic, which is probably one of the best. It's the best episode of during the pandemic. It was the best pandemic. It was the best podcast ever.

It was one of the best things I did during the pandemic. What's coke magic? We did a lot. We did a real ass podcast. It was me on Zoom. It was me, Shane, and Zachimiko. Lewis, of course, was 90 minutes late. I was supposed to have dinner. It was like one of the first times we were going to go do dinner after the pandemic

So I was up against the clock and then Lewis is like shows up 90 minutes late We thought we joked around he's coked out of his mind look up coke magic on YouTube by the way Welcome to show Bobby a second. He did tricks over zoom with I had a girl there was wearing like a see-through fucking top and fucking yeah Yeah, we just I just did shitty magic tricks while they just made fun of me for an hour awesome, but it was like we had like like Sat there with a fucking giant iced coffee and a fucking thing a little pop like one of the tricks you can really understand Yeah, go to one of the peaks dude. Yeah, you gotta go to like

Who's that? Some volume maybe no that doesn't happen on here Yeah, shout out that guest room. I miss you guest room in Jersey into the tricks where he goes Also, I think I was pretty sassy at Lewis this whole episode because he was late 100% blue cheer behind us. Also, I think I was pretty sassy at Lewis this whole episode because he was late Is this like a purchase you purchased this shitty trick It's CVS this was a shitty section I had to have like 30 tricks so some of them really had no skill involved in this one You can actually see Little Kermit voice to listen to it. Well, yeah

It's not easy being a real ass dude this trick. I'm sorry my fingernails are dirty sometimes a fuck piggy in public It's in the cup. We have three cups. You buy your magic tricks. No, this was this is all this is sleight of hand. These are yes, they're purchased cups. What do you make your own cups? Well, they have you know clay pottery class. I don't do cups magic.

No, there's skill involved in this. There's sleight of hand involved in this trick. Here's my camera Whoa whoa I'm double-jointed. Sorry. I'll make everybody look good in the ring. Oh You got it that was it maybe wasn't as good watch your it was like we were there dude Can I tell you something? I was there dude, but am I wrong Joe? Does the trick automatically just work itself out? You can't tell magic

This is what bothers me if Lewis once Lewis knows that she's gonna go home watch the video He'll be thrilled to do this for James tonight. I will. James would go James ago. This is even magic. This is what it's magic. It's magic. You know that's true. It's literally math. It's a great trick. Danny. It's magical. You know the type of trick I'm talking about though, right? Where you place the cards down in a certain order and they automatically reshuffle themselves and come in a certain order. And it's just based off of like the order they're put down wait so you think you're magical I Think the skill involved in magic and there's no skill involved in that You agree with that there's skill involved in magic who does magic over here Joe and Danny with both magicians Can we I would all are you there's no skill in either of your magic damn can we oh shit by the way guys break your fucking nose guys

Hold on Look at me. I think we need to find out who the real wizard is on I I'll challenge you to a wizard off on the next regs. I will wizard the fuck out of everybody. Oh, you're gonna be It's a competition me versus Joe by the way three tricks three tricks each I'm gonna buy a fucking wizard hat. I am gonna buy a wizard The winner gets the regs when we got a bomb data the official wizard of the regs Yeah, only official who is the fucking warlock? Who dabble in dark magic? I have a wand I will give I will bring the wand I'll bring the hat next regs

It's a fucking wizard off bring your magic. I have a wand that. I'll bring the hat, next regs, it's a fucking wizard off. Bring your magic. I have a wand that I'm going to bring. Three tricks. Three tricks. It's my assistant. We got two people of the dark arts over there that can judge it. No, they're not judging it.

Fuck you, dude. I'm going to punch you in your fucking nose. Why? Why is it threatening him? Well, Lewis, because it's the way you talk down to me. Lewis, we need Bobby and I are two people. We need a third vote. We need a third, and those two of them.

They count. They count. One. I count them as three-fifths of a person They're the same as the way they looked at black people in the 1800s. That's how I look at your producers Brown people work If I think we see who's the better wizard. I I think we do that watch this ready How'd you do that? How'd you do that? How'd you do that? Was that math? Joe, do you think you can learn two more tricks?

If you're going to do that one, don't even show up. If you're going to do some fucking math counting shit, don't even fucking show up to the fucking competition show. Honestly, guys, I'm just going to bring my God-fearing soul to this thing to watch you guys bend the laws of nature And blow my mind dog. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna learn if we're gonna do this just so you know I'm coming so deep and hard Jack you off pause I'm coming so deep and hard with fucking great tricks. Here's the thing

I can't wait. I want you guys ever seen before Lewis. I want you guys to have three tricks ready to go and a fourth in case it's a tie. Will you guys coach me? No. Yeah. Will you be my coaching dude? Why not? Jeffrey Eppstein accuser said magician David Copperfield was aware young girls were being paid to recruit others. Hell yeah they were. He went like this, Jeffrey it's simply a magic trick I take one girl to appear and I change their age 15 what if I make Bobby disappear illegal now you're a woman Jeff fuck her I just cook she just came out of the oven she's 18 whatever Whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Fucker. Abracadabra, you're an adult. Shmaggity Dabity, a no-belief from the post-A.

Heimman, a gardenist. Fucker, Jeff, just cultured. Alright, so next... Really? She's ready. Next reg. For my magic off. David Copperfield can't be accused of a crime.

What are you talking about? I simply wasn't there. Oh, you're saying I fucked a child? Well, if I fucked a child, where did the Statue of Liberty go? Then tell me why her birth certificate is in my pocket. It's a dove. God, proof is gone. I wish I could make this bit disappear.

Who's your bet, Joe? You know what, disappear. You're clearly the dark wizard and Lewis is the wizard of life. It's it's literally what the fuck just happened. Very okay. Slated hand. He's even a horticure. Oh, you're going to put the cap in your hood. good oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Here we go. Here we go. I can't wait. This is what you get next week. It's on the floor I watched you put that cap horrible I watched you put that

It was bad sleight of hand Is a nose the devil is here watch this ready. Yeah It's nuts Joe that's crazy that the little mouse wall water That's nuts. You know it though. No, I'm not a magician you fucking numbskull I did one trick and everyone said all that's Louis. Well, yeah, guess what don't walk in the arena if you don't want to smoke We're having a wizard we're having a wizard off better really tricks. I'm a grand wizard three tricks We're gonna wrap it up my god We do a four-hour show who cares Joe when we're just We're flowing

What are you gonna do? Oh, no, my wife is calling. No, man. Gary. It is pick it up Go take it. Oh God. Go take it all Literally every time your wife calls when you have a baby you're like is it dead? Oh Jesus Is it one of my favorite Joe list jokes from back in the day? One of my favorite Joe list joke from back on the day before we were even friends The reason we became friends is because they did a thing. I don't know what magazine it was, but it was like, uh, they were like, they were like, pick a, a comic. It's like a comics comic thing.

And they're like, pick a comic that you respect, that you like the comedy and, you know, describe one of their jokes. I remember that was a time out in New York, time at New York. And I chose Joe and Joe was like, very like, Oh wow, dude. Like I thought we hated each other. He thought we were like, didn't like weren't vibing or whatever. It was kind of funny. Um, but his joke was, he's going to have a sister at a newborn baby and I guess check on the baby.

Check on the baby. He's like, I can come back with the worst news ever. He goes, yeah, I checked on the baby. It's colder than this beer. My favorite Joe, this joke that I've been thinking about was the one where he talks about his aunt was afraid someone was in the shower and he's like, now she's alone. She should've wished someone was in that shower. Being afraid of someone's on the court.

We're just saying our favorite Joe List joke. I was saying how in that Time Out in New York article I fucking said you were one of my favorite comics that people should know. Remember? Is this baby alright? Dude don't. Don't juggle around.

Dude don't juggle around. You wouldn'tuggle, man. Dude, don't juggle. You wouldn't come back on. What's wrong with you? You wouldn't come back on the floor. I gotta go. You guys. He's gone. A little warrior.

We need to tell this. A little warrior across the rainbow bridge. Anyway, guys, don't forget. Funny farmed. I don't know. Maybe I called her. He's going to that little shoe store in the sky. Oh, no.

I called her. Oh, God. I'm gonna have to have her put on some fucking high heels I don't know maybe I called her he's going to that little shoe store in the sky Wait, maybe I magically called her magically delicious weird bro is a kid alright magically not everything's magic now Joe He's a different life now. Yeah, he's a magic guy. It's all about that magical Are you gonna have a kid? Nope. We've already talked about this We're about it every other dude. I think it's gonna change No, you said you weren't having a kid too. So yeah, I had some mental problems Yeah, still do you say now have mental problems? Yep. Yeah, probably if you don't want to procreate That's like a sign that you're like the world in the head sociopath, yeah, me dumb. Yeah, me dumb people have a lot of kids. That's true. That's a good point

You have one you actually the one compliment I can give give you you did a great job as a father one. Yeah, no, I've never boarded one I've never boarded but I I do you didn't they did I shoot the first the first shot inside of my girl every time now Well, I don't know and trying to trap her that is Jesus Christ I got deck not written. That's seriously that oh you should went seriously. Oh Christ. I got Dak. Not seriously that old. You sure? Seriously? Oh, God. Why do you do that?

You go, oh, God. Louis has his own stenographer here. Hey, read me back the minutes. Yeah, cut that out. Oh, fucking inception, dude. Wizard battles. Oh, my God, dude. What's going on?

You guys are going to come in here with some white tenies on, and I'm going to get all fucking fucked up. I mean, I think we also have to choose the theme of the type of magician or wizard that you are. No, it's not. This the fun part create your own wizard. No, you know, obviously you do whatever you want to do I'm saying I might come in dressed in full fucking like warlock robes. Please Merlin please Come an old-timey magician Joe could come in and like the old-timey bowler hat You know like the 1920s magician or he's like ever seen this

Like the prestige chase a magic I'm coming with a little bit of a hot wool vest They would play a little bit of eyeliner black t-shirt just I literally have never done magic To the table let me finish yeah, and I'm going to beat Lewis Yeah Step to the table. Let me finish. Yeah, and I'm going to beat Lewis Yeah Whatever Joe does like the craziest magic we ever saw he goes Dan you remember your father I just, ah, no, no, no, no, no, not Haitian magic. Haitian magic goes off the table. He's gonna say, gotta drink.

Dude, I'm gonna do three different styles. He goes to Da and his teeth are perfect. Ah, they changed his back room. I'm going to do three different styles of magic. I'm gonna go throughout like, gay, gay, gayer. You're gonna do like, like when they do, what is this called? When multiple things are done, I'm high. I can't really think of any. No, one edible. They're gonna do, you're gonna do like a like when they do what it is called When multiple things are done, I'm high. I can't really think of a one edible

They're gonna do a you're gonna do it. I heard you would do it like fucking a like a thousand millis You did two thousand on the left. How did you hear that one of we talked about it on the podcast? No, you didn't talk about it on here. Yeah, he came in he kept eating the things Why am I stoned? I can't think of a word when it was multitasking No, it's like a little clip of everything Okay, so in the one re on song not an ensemble. I know what he's Talking about I thought you're gonna do it

How much are those 100? No, that'll put me out dude. I gotta do skanks tonight That would put you up what he can eat two of them I can eat half that would be out what he just ate a quarter of that. I would go be I would be so afraid I would have Good. Hmm someone rip Yeah, there's Joe. What are we doing four hours? What do we protect our blood in two hours? Well, Joe freaking go Joe go be with your baby. Oh, that's I go whoa I'm gonna go be with my baby. Oh, that's actually whoa Sounds like a song be my baby

Seven Jeff Jarrett Actually the road dog is road Jeff Jarrett wasn't fucking singing that song Yeah, cuz they wrote it. They wrote it. We should do something in Skankfest this year. We should plan something that's off camps. Sites? Off site. Something we go.

Bobby's never been to a college. We're going to do lectures, dude. We should go somewhere else. Like, we're going to do a. We're going to go to quads. Did we go to the quad? What are we going to do? Like do? Time-share meeting do you guys want to go shoot guns? Something like that. Oh go we could go drive tanks or some shit like that or shoot guns They just don't have to know they have tanks you can go drive a fucking tank drive tank

You could fucking fire machine gun yeah, I wish you should all be just wild yeah, Vegas shoot fire. I go any gun Vegas they say don't bring kids to Vegas, but you're talking to bring a max Like it would be a blast to bring kids to Vegas. Yeah fun. It was we used to go in seventh grade I we used to go we went once. Oh you went my friend because you're from that area Yeah, well my friends stepped out of mom were going and so we took both of us and we got to just like 13 12 Just ran around Vegas trying to meet girls by yourselves like you It's the 90s ruled completely by ourselves. Yeah, you can you go you can drive a tank. Yeah, so for a kid though like There's so many live shows there's no like arcades kids casinos there's things like that

There's a there's a million great restaurants a lot of magicians a lot of magicians There's a ton of shit you can do and then there's like adult shit, too Obviously like me and my chick talked about it. If we ever got married, we'd get married in Vegas and fucking just invite the family out. Is there a comedy magician that's never, like you could bring to... Harrison Greenbaum.

Danny Meyer. I mean, the guy's the entertainer of the year. How many years ago? He's still alive. He's got a funny, just have a magic show. Comedy magic. That's gangfist. Yeah.

Harrison Greenbaum. Harrison do his show. Harrison. Harrison's great yeah and that guy that guy your friends with that's good Harris can come out of the closet yeah yeah have Reese are you hate him this guy I piss me off wizard battles are getting weird he challenged your man people in the realms of magic my fuck my wife in the realms of my fuck

My wife that the realms of magic are disturbed well Danny and and Joe both I think Danny had his own shows like he has flyers with him on it you Yeah, that guy Wow, dude. You're talking about my magic like that. He said your magic sucks asshole What'd you say? David Blaine, he knows David you know David Blaine. He knows David. You know David Blaine. Yes. He's literally, we don't do guests on the show, but I will say if David Blaine is willing to come to Judges and Magic Off, we'll have a guest on the show. Check it out.

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So they're tighter in the arms and the chest, but leave the perfect amount of room in the midsection. I love that for a little trigger gallery. The design for literally the body type of our fans. Most, but most people. Yeah, unless you're in the fucking gym and you're shredded, you got a little bit of something extra in the middle. You want some parts to hide.

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That's 25% off your first order when you visit trueclassic.com slash regs. Make 2024 your most stylish year yet with true classic. I wanna learn how to do a good David Blaine. Can we get Fiona Apple and surprise him? Like remember her? She's boring. And I'm a stupid needle in my eye. Reach near pocket.

Is that even magic at this point? I held my breath for four hours. I ate three cups of ice and my teeth feel fine. He's like, I haven't taken a shit in four weeks. I'm extremely constant. I went to the DMV for 48 hours I drank my own piss for three years. What I got a 17 year old girl who works at Dwayne Reed to open up about school to me I live off I don't like geography

Of course you don't I currently live in a studio apartment I haven't eaten food in five days. I'm magic. I'm going to stand on a box. It's just what poor people have to do to survive. What's up? What do you say? I lived in this, you know him really.

He was like new phone. Who this? Who this? Dan, how many times do I have to tell you I'm eating pigeon hearts to train for my life? Leave me and then I'm hanging out with Satan right now. I'm going to go. I'm going to hearts to train for my next thing. Leave me alone. Dan, I'm hanging out with Satan right now. I'm gonna catch a chicken. You're just doing things that Rocky did to train for Apollo.

I'm drinking four raw eggs. I'm running up the museum stairs. I want to catch lightning and shit thunder. Take her to the zoo. Retorts love the zoo. It's not how many times you get knocked down. How many times you get knocked down. Joe's nervous that he's gonna have a real magician judges magic. I can't wait I met I saw David. I didn't meet David Blaine. I saw David Blaine doing close-up magic at Union Square

This is the most New York story. Yeah, Sarah and I saw he was doing close-up magic for like 14 people at Union Square And we were like this is crazy and then we heard the train coming and we were like, let's get out of here crazy. And then we heard the train coming and we were like, let's get out of here. Like this. I kind of want to go home though. It's like 12. I saw him do when he did the one stunt in Bryant Park and the stunt was he stood on a platform for like four days or whatever. He just stood like there in Bryant Park. And then at the end of it, they put a bunch of boxes and he dropped into like

these boxes and like that was like his big stunt. It's not magic. It's not even slightly magic. Did he disappear from the box? No dude. He just dropped into boxes. Kramer like that was like his big stunt. It's not magic. It's not even slightly magic. Did he disappear from the box? No, dude. He just dropped into boxes. Kramer did that in season three. Pull it up. Pull up the stunt. And here's what happened. I remember because I was selling comedy club tickets at the time

and crazy. Remember? Jump. Hahaha. Hahaha. He did one. The jump. Hahaha.

It's still good. It's still good at resonating. Hahaha. For crazy cabbie from the Howard Stern show. Yeah. Shut up. Cappy. I worked with him at a WXRK. Yeah, dude. And he like David Blaine was up on the same as before they had the boxes up there. And I was watching it happen and crazy. Cappy had a megaphone and he just kept on screaming things to try to get David Blaine to fall to his death. It was so fucking funny. That's right. Security like dragging dragging crazy cabbie out of Brian Park

Oh, he stood way up there dude. Yeah, he stood up on a platform By and touch him. Oh, that's not a platform. That's like a fucking sky What it was in a sky. It was like like a thing like it's a pillar. It was a pillar He's just there for four days. How many days was it? What was the stunt dude? And then he did the other one where he was stuck in ice or is like I'm gonna be cold. Oh No, I'm in an elevator with a neighbor Conversation if they didn't get David Blaine we just fucking trash him so hard I wish I would have learned how to disappear.

This hurts. No, I'm sure like, he's great. I saw this motherfucker. I saw this motherfucker have like a fucking goldfish pop out of his arm. He's dope. Okay. He does cool shit.

I'm just gonna look down and go, hey, Dan, why am I in white rebox? Don't do that. David Blaine. It was a weird period where David Blaine was doing magic. He was doing these silly stunts that was like, I want to see him make black people lose their minds, not stand on a platform for three years.

He goes, watch me. I'm going to wake up my dad by beating the shit out of him. That's jackass on May 22nd, 2002. Hey, what's up? I'm David Blaine. And this is vertigo. 35 hours standing on hours. 35 hours. 35 hours standing on a pillow like that. That's pretty.

Yeah, a hundred feet high and 22 inches wide. You did downplay this trip. I stood there for like an hour. I thought he was standing on like one of 50,000 people. It sucked. I watched. I was there. It sucked.

I mean, it's not interesting. I know. The best thing that would have happened is if Cabby convinced him to fucking fall to his death. No, no, no. But you made it sound like he was staying on a milk crate. I think crazy. Cabby started throwing batteries at him.

If I'm not, if I'm remembering correctly, pretty crazy. Back to his name. It's pretty crazy. Can I get a cab? Oh, dude, he used to, he worked at, um, K rock with me right when they flipped back from free FM to play in no crazy cabbie. And I remember I was trying to work all the shifts as possible and then he went MIA and they were like, can you work?

And I was like, yes, thank you for going missing crazy cabbie. I never found him. Oh, right. Oh, that's David Blaine made him disappear. Oh, shit. You wanna mess with the dark arts? He's just standing right there. He's just standing right there.

Wait until I get fucking you down there. Was that a, was that a devolt? Okay. Yeah. Okay, okay. I'll see you soon. I won't be in this form. But I'll see you soon.

You better hope a gust of wind doesn't take your fat ass out. It was that, what was the other ones? He did, was the other balloon one he did recently? Didn't he like hold some balloons? I did a spelling bee against Indian kids. Artist on the monopier. Can you please use it in a word? He's just sitting behind him.

I hope he does the podcast next week, and then after he does it, somebody shows him this podcast. Oh, his magic is in being slightly inconvenienced. Actually, all of us disappear. Are you guys ready for my next phenomenon? I'm left on hold. He's like, my next trick, I will show up at 2 p.m. and wait 11 minutes for Lewis to arrive.

Yeah. Wow, these 11 minutes are dangerous. He grabbed me. He's like, my next trick, I will show up at 2pm and wait 11 minutes for Lewis to arrive. Yeah. Wow. These 11 minutes are dangerous. He grabbed balloons. When he upped, he did. He did up. Yeah. He did up. Just holding on to balloons or he was tethered in there. He held it. I don't know, dude. I think he was tethered. All right. Well, you imagine just, just being like some farmer in the middle of butt fuck nowhere And you just see balloons go by and you go that David playing doing up Do real magic, I don't know you're you're you're dodging real

I mean, it's cool, but it's not magic come on balloons Take me away fast a flock of birds just Captain Sullivan just fucking false. I wish there was a river for me to land on I Mean, it's kind of cool. That's it. I mean like yeah There has to be some sort of sleight of hand or skillet ball. That's why I always put distance between him and those people. He goes, shut up. You don't even know what you're talking about. It's just science.

Hot of this trick, and what happened? They popped it. A fucking, yeah, Bobby nailed it. A flock going south. How does it end? Does he jump? What is he going to parachute? He lands.

How does he control the balloons? Inside addition, still on the air. Oh, yeah, he's like. 20,000 feet. Why stop it? I need to point out stop it every time the producers do that though. They say he's at 20,000 feet David then they skip forward. What do you do? What are you doing? Answer for yourself. I was trying to find the moment where he jumped.

Yeah. Oh so it says he got to 20,000 feet and then was like, it's a little thin up here. Hey guys, is anyone know I'm bleeding from my ears? I love the day. I was trying to get to the interesting part of this. The part where he jumps, then when he floats around and talks to a little girl that thinks sand is still real. Hit play. Seconds later. That's gotta be a fucking rush. I mean, who can't do that? Magic.

I pulled a string. I'll be landed on a cactus. That would be fun. That would have been... Oh, yeah, it's another one where he sent on a cactus. That would be fun. That would have been electrified. Oh, yeah. It's another one where you set up a platform and electricity went through him.

It wasn't. Oh, there's the ice. Wow. Well, you can't blame him. Not bad. Hey, can I talk to you real quick? I killed so. I heard it.

I heard it. I heard it. I heard it. Kill with the downs. I heard it hit the downs and the producers. But when you watch magic on fucking like America's got talent in one of these other shows, they're like legit. Like the skill involved is like so impressive. We get it. You like.

You say skill again. I'm going to tip my whole life. Jesus Christ. Comedy. Go be a. Because whoa, Joe, that's a real good idea. I'm gonna kill myself. Oh my God, you should pursue magic. Seriously. No, it's a skill, I don't have it. It's all right, just do it.

If I had the ability, I would. The magic rattlesnake. No, it's like, when you see somebody that really fucking nails like pen and teller. Of course, I love magic. What'd you think I thought I was magic, you dick face? No, you thought you were magic. That ain't like, I love magic. What'd you think? I thought I was magic. You dick face. I love magic. I love magic. I put a fucking trick on Instagram as a goof. I didn't think I was throwing down a gauntlet. Now you're in a lifestyle. If Lewis became famous for his magic,

you gotta be so funny if you blew the fuck up. Skankfest became a magic fast. Not even. You go, he's at the Aria. Good luck getting it. I didn't think I honestly guy changed his number. I've got a hold of them through James. Not even you go he's at the Aria good luck getting it Honestly guy changed his number I've got a hold of them through James Max to get lose his number from James solid joke of hand what do you say I don't think you take it as a slight of hand Think we need to practice. I wrote a one-page pitch For a TV show called sleight of Dan that I wanted Dan Soder to be involved in. He turned it down.

He lost your number that week. Sorry, who this? Slight of Dan. It's like, oh, I got a new phone. This whole thing's a junk. That's crazy. Slight of Dan, it was about a guy who was a magician who used to be a kid's magician,

and then he fucking went on to kind of be in a shrub, and then he figured out he could start scamming people using his magic magic, I don't ever remember that pitch. I just you know I'm an all I tell you what year I mean, maybe after we were doing the cartoon I think you were involved in another project at that point like deeply Let's remember remember 10 years ago when we all thought everyone's gonna have TV shows Jesus Christ, dude I'm in a four-year deal with NBC right now. Are you really still fucking milking me around? Are you really in a four-year deal with NBC? Yeah, since you're man and I have been in a thing with them What is it? Do you know anybody else who that fart was incredible? Uh, yeah, we're doing that stone cold cartoon. Oh, yeah

Me and Dan wrote a great script back. So are you doing the voices all the voices? I'm not doing all the voices But I'm doing a couple of voices. Yeah. Yep. Can I do that one? Me and Dan wrote us a Boris cartoon back in the day. Do that. Yeah. I just found that. I found, I went all, found all my old books. I know. You're probably using all the funny jokes from it

for your new show. By the way, I watched it. There were some, we had some better ideas in the original conception. We, it got away from us. Because we got these notes that were horseshit. All the notes that we kept on getting, dude. It started getting away.

Like, this is a different show. It's not even about pro wrestling anymore. I found the legal pad when I was cleaning out my office with our original stuff. And I was like, so good, dude. It was like almost a family. I remember all the family of pro wrestlers. What?

That was something. What? The next thing we wrote, Uncle Bees. Go Bees. Thought the kid being friends with the devil. Oh, yeah. By the way, writing with Lewis is this. I'll be at a laptop and we'll be talking about something

and Lewis will just be shadow boxing. Yeah. I shadow boxing. The only way I can think. That's all I write. And I'm going like this. Okay. Okay.

Maybe he doesn't die. Okay. No dude. The Stirlings was great. Yeah. That was a good one. Right when Don Stirling. Don's the other Don Stirling.

So we had to change the name because it was Ron's gorgeous Ron Stirling was the name of the pro wrestler. And then make him in it. No mercy. I'm playing no mercy again. Oh, you should make gorgeous You guys should just make this stuff darling Darla. Yeah darling to his gorgeous wife darling Darla You can afford to make this now. We could we can do fucking animation. Let's go. Let's lock it into there Yeah, we should make the regs into an animated thing. I gotta go All right, listen everybody Joe list your website. What is it again?

Comedian Joe list.com May 2nd, Los Angeles. Please fuck Manus Calco and Bar Gatsy and Burn Seinfeld. What do they ever do? Now they're already sold out one for how much money do they need? Yeah, exactly. Come down to the region theater in Skid Row. What do you got Dan? Dan Soder.com. I'll see you in Connecticut. I'll see you in Boston. I'll see you in Skankfest. I'll see you in Texas. Nice. What do you got, Lou? Just, you know, fucking, uh, Hile Hitler, Hal Satan, uh, fucking Lewis.

Skanks.com was party. Robert Ketter live.com. Make sure you check me out the mother Mothership and Laugh It Up Boston and Comedy Connection. I got all the shows that are sold out so we added a Sunday show so get those tickets right now. RobertKellyLive.com, PunchUpLive.com. Go there to watch my special All we got, we'll see you guys next time on The Rags.