Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Third Lead

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

It’s an over the internet YKWD with Mike Calta, Paul Virzi and Stavros Halkias joining Bobby to see how people are dealing with the quarantine and our plans to survive! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hoy es un día de eso de no saber cómo va a acabar el día. ¿Dónde nadie pregunta de dónde viene? ¿Sino por qué no te viene? Y una ronda es el tiempo que pasa entre no conocernos, y no creer olvida. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos lia. Hoy es un día de eso que Madrid nos encuentra. Maú, la vida es más vida cuando nos encontramos.

Encuentra los bares de Madrid, la edición especial de Madrid nos lia. Un número de maú, a Madrid. You're listening to Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude on the Riotcast Network. Riotcast.com. Yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what to live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW

I started the social media podcast. YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW

Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast? YKW Do you podcast So fun and crazy and there's no rules Sorry Great Mike Mike how you doing Mike mushy Mike Gabby why can WD crew is here. This is post-pocalypse, it's all over the world's coming to an end, the planet's fucking dying.

Yeah, it has to be here. Left wing liberals were right. Right wing people were right about buying guns. It's all true. We got Paul Verzi, Bobby, up in Westchester, best-justed, deep in the fucking woods, holding up. We got, what did you say, Gap? I said, he's safe. You guys are the only ones who are safe. Well, we're safe. I mean, we got, we got we got Stavvy baby right and asked a story.

Yeah, that's right. And Queens, baby. Yeah, Queens. He's getting fucking full-pressed coronavirus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to flush. I'm just going to get it. I'm just going to go get, I'm having dumplings every day. Dumplings and feta chini alfredo. I'm supporting. Yeah, you want to really impress. We go to Chinatown, get some soup. Yeah. I'm going. You want to be tough. Go sips and broth down.

Yeah. And of course, Mike Calta, the safest of them all is going to run 750 guns, 900 guitars. He's got a bunker, a mansion, a golf cart, a sprinter, a fucking Mercedes, a hot life tuba looking kids, a pool, a fucking doodle, a dog, a turtle, and an airplane. All right, Bob, I'll just do a turtle walk. I do a tortoise, but I'm your painter. Oh, yeah, yeah. Also, we need a pops and 89. So I'm immune to the virus. Very nice. What's that? Bobby looks like a minor minor minor league hockey player.

That's right. Just going out on a frozen lake. We already get to go indoor rink at all. You're like the equipment kid fell on the way out to the ice. Bobbi, I love how you said that Mike is real safe because he's got a lot of guns. Like guns are going to do shit to a virus. Yeah. Like he's going to start shooting the air. Oh, somebody. Oh, it will, Verzy, in a couple of weeks when shit goes down and people...

What? What's gonna go down? Watch what's gonna go down. Fast hysteria. Yeah, watch what happens. Watch what happens in a couple of weeks when this thing don't go away and then the military rolls in and says, you can't leave. Exactly.

That's just fucking... Tell ya, dude. The Bronx tale? Yeah, you can't leave. Yeah, Stavvy has a fucking boomerang he got from Australia. That's right. I'll be fighting people off with yo-yo's, boomerangs, whatever I have in my discretion.

It's a short and then you should rank it out behind you. Yeah, I have a katana that I've been saving for this right now. With the ancient art of Japanese sword play. I'll be safe. I mean, the ancient art of ass play that you... If eating ass builds up your immunity, then I'll be out there, baby. I'll do whatever it takes to be safe. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm on a diet right now. I mean, this must be horrific for you for me. Yeah, I mean, you can't fucking, you can't, you can't shout out right now, you're gonna sell out, right?

No, I'm, I'm chowling. I see that's a thing, Bobby. I'm a hero and I'm supporting our small businesses that have been hit by this, by this economic downturn. I'm out here, these poor Chinese takeouts that have been hit by xenophobia and the disease. I'm supporting them by ordering low-main three times a week. So I'm actually kind of on the front.

I'm kind of like a first responder if you think about it. I get into dumplings every other day. You're an essential worker. That's exactly correct. I'm keeping the economy going. I'm worse. I'm talking about. You're into that. I'm tired.

Yeah, he's got a hundred guns, but no Wi-Fi. Yeah, he's got no Wi-Fi. He's got a hundred guns, but he can't watch fucking Netflix. Fucking asshole. Tell some of those automatic rounds to get a fucking land cable. I mean, everything in the fucking house, I become like creative. I'm baking, I'm making stuff with dough. I'm just bored and cooking.

I love it. That sounds like a new show you can do on Instagram live, like every other clock sucker. That's got to end. I would like to see you guys watch another Instagram live standup show. Let the Lord put me on a respirator. Well, you know, Mark Norman did one today that was pretty funny. He went out in the streets and started just doing Corona jokes to people. Was he six feet away?

That would be so fucking funny if Mark gets it by doing his fucking jokes. I'm going Instagram live. I'm so happy just to see him on a respirator. Still trying to do jokes. Yeah, I feel like John's revolta, the boy in the bubble. Yeah. I wish I had some bubble gum. My breath is bad inside this.

I love I love Mark, but that's a dumb thing he's doing. Like, I don't know what they're doing. That's shit. 100% listen to has Matt suit. I'm wasn't sitting carries and gives the Joe list. Then we'll be good. 100% has Matt suit. I'm guessing it carries and gives the Joe list. Then we'll be good. That podcast just went down on both.

Yeah. It'll be Tuesdays Tuesdays with Corona. That's right. Bobby, why did you say, why did you say today's weird? I don't know today was a weird day. I haven't been feeling good. I'm gonna be honest with you. Oh boy.

No, I have said, I don't think. We're on the last YKWD ever. No. I'm gonna make people just applaud it. Paul, just move away from the camera. I think I moved my phone first. That's Italian science right there. I'm not trying to get it through the fucking phone

I'll be honest with you man. I've been on to the weather. I'm not feeling good either. Oh, oh I'm the only safe when I've been building up my immunity in this dirty ass neighborhood Yeah, because you've been eating fucking ass fucking three years range broads from your show. That's true I was like now There's a range broads from your show. That's true. The coronavirus side, the Kowindu you almost like, nah, I'm good. Yeah. And Klamydia killed the coronavirus. He's been eating Chinese stink wrinkles for 30 years.

They'll end up immunity. Once I got it, once I heard this was happening, I took a ticket to Wuhan and ate everybody's pussy that I could find eight months ago, and I've been fine ever since. Even a couple of shit to assholes out there. I went down on a couple of pangolins just to build up my immunity. That's the fucking animal. Nobody can remember the fucking dumb pangolin. Who eats a pangolin?

What if they're so fucking delicious? What if you had a bite and you were like, I get it. No, it makes sense. I would 100% be. It's a tie. I let that shit drip right on a tent and fucking fry it. Is that Pangolin? It's so good.

Yeah. There's no way Pangolin. There's no way Pangolin is that good. There's Pangolin. It's not a champion. It's not. There's no way Pangolin. There's no way Pangolin is that good. There's not a campy. It's not there's no way We after this is all done with trying Pangolin. We're gonna have a little little a Pangolin stir fry after this We should all go to Wuhan. Where is it again? Wuhan Wuhan. Yeah, there's a Pangolin. Why would you ever eat that? That's what that's what they say a bat ever eat that. That's what that's what they say bat bit ugly fucking things. Now these Chinese fucking dudes.

Can we be honest for a second? I mean, can we be honest for a second? No, we're gonna come out of this. People are gonna start blogging at some point. Blacks. First, it is the lie. I'm not saying I'm not saying anything bad and I'm not saying anything that's like Racist against these Chinese motherfuckers, but I'm saying These dudes will eat shit that I'm just like it's like just just get the chicken leg That looks kind of the I gotta be actually looks like it pulls apart you put you It looks like a tire bone on the highway

It's awful and listen they may look at lasagna and the shit that we eat as as like what are these guys doing? Yeah, I don't know no one looks at lasagna No, I'm out listen, yeah, but I think they eat like, don't they eat like snakeish shit too? Yeah. They're you snaking forward, though. They eat fucking crocodile jerky and in Tallahassee. What's that vegetable that you kind of, you can only eat a little, let the little. At a moment.

At a moment. No, it's like this. It looks like a big ball. It's kind of choke. It goes look like artichokes. They do look like artichokes. I look like a little archer. And here's the thing,

it must be a pain in the ass to get through that fucking that sh**. Dragon skin. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's no way that's magical powers. Yeah, a chicken you pluck a little thing.

Yeah. That's maybe that's why for spells, dude. Yeah, kung fu. Yeah. If you could shoot fireballs out of your hand, but you have to eat a pangolin steak. Would you do it? 100% right now. What other plan is killing people right now? They're just kicking ass. What'd you say, buddy? Sorry. No, what other like cultures eat stuff that are just is just totally something that we don't touch on. African, the United States. African cultures.

I've eaten camel jerky before. It's called basturma. It's like a Middle Eastern thing. You assholes make at a great name to everything and we'll eat it. It's human fucking asshole wrinkle. I heard pig assholes taste like calamari actually. What? Yeah, if you they did a study where you you rinse out a pig's rectum and you chop it up and it looks like little calomari circles and it tastes just like calamari. Yeah. They always say that though because I was in Jacksonville, Florida and I had alligator nuggets and they were like, it's what does it taste like chicken? Right? I was like, no, it tastes like fucking reptiles disgusting. That's what it tastes like. Well, there you go. You answered your own question. Fucking Florida.

Florida is just like China. When's the Tallahassee flu coming? Part of each we fucking American animals here. America. My reptiles speak English, buddy. Thanks. The English. They got here legally, my reptiles that I eat for sport.

And it is a little fucking nuts though. If you look at that spectrum of things that they're eating in that wet market, it's just like, dude, it's like ferrets and shit. It's gross. It's fucking. It's pretty nuts. I love how they just in the corner. They just have a beautiful a dog any American would pay

2500 from a kennel for They're just they just have it right on the menu No, dude. I saw guy. He had a fuck he had a dog in a pot of soup and it was barking You sure wasn't taking a bath? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. Yeah, buddy. You know they've eaten Oh, hey, hey, man, what's up? Hey, man, what's up? Hey, stop me baby Paul Versey. Dude, buddy. Look, we're brothers. Look at our What's up, Max? Nothing. Check it out. I like your two situation, buddy. You got the same thing going on. Yeah, 36 years old. 30, thank you very, very, very one.

You look like my dad. What about the bottom? How about this? And bye guys. Bye buddy. He just dabbed. He dabbed on the way out. Have the door, kid.

Take the dog, please. I'll put her in it. Yeah, why don't you put her in a pot? Nothing. I love you. No, goodbye, blah, blah. I look like you. I lost 30 pounds. My head's thinner. Listen, open head. I'm just getting fat over here. Well, you know, it's, you know, I'm actually losing weight. I'm under 200. I mean 300. Oh, shit. Yeah. His legs are really skinny, guys. You can't.

His thighs are two. I made a mistake. Shed the fuck up. Calthagos, you got a great camera. What's your? There's a four week lag on your internet. That's what's going on. Stop, was that three gallon liter?

Yeah. Trying to stay fucking hydrated, baby. Yeah. Just drink more. Just get another cup. No, I need one thing to drink all day or I won't do it. Why did Virzy just switch to some creepy photo of him? What?

What was that? Did you just go somewhere? Not far. Virzy, turn your phone sideways so you can be like us. Okay. I love it. There you go. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Post-comet straight off the phone. Looks like Paul's about to sex this. Paul's about to pull his cock out and jerk off on cam. He really does. He has his, if you look up high, he just brings his phone up. He can see his butt knuckles.

That's speaking out. Paul's about to ask us what we're wearing. Wait, is that, is that the guest bedroom? Yep. Okay. Yeah. You can always tell the guest bedroom because it's just neutral.

Nothing on the walls. Yeah. Any comfort? You ever stay in somebody's guest bedroom? Calta has a good one because you have a king bed, which is great. So you have a king bed? He's got a coffee maker, king bed, and a walk-in shower. Holy shit.

And about, I mean, he's got a whole other compound. That's a setup, baby. He's sometimes just staying, somebody's like, guest bedroom, it's a queen bed or a full. Yeah. And just, you know, and some, some wicker dresser. He's just fucking lying there waiting for the ghost of whatever aunt stayed in there. And then she died to fucking attack you in the middle of the night. They were actually read on the end table. I remember we stayed at a hotel when I was doing comedy. At the beginning, they checked, they checked us into this fucked up hotel. And I got to my room, and it was all wicker furniture. Oh, brutal. And I was like, this place is haunted. There's no,

it's haunted. It's like out in western Massachusetts, it was fucking frightening. And then all of a sudden, I'm sitting, there was a fly like this big, the size of a quarter just go you could hear it sounded like a bumblebee just going and I go this place is haunted right when I said it died midair and fell on my chest I went down to the front desk I checked the fuck out where'd you sleep I went to another hotel I was like I'm out I'm not gonna stay in here. No, fine. You weren't going to survive the night. No, something. Listen, man, you go.

This place is haunted and a fucking bumblebee fly dies on your chest. Just get out, Robert. Well, you still can. What happened to Gabby? Did she catch on fire? Yeah. Gabby burned up. All right, listen, Gab, stop, stop peak locking.

Just stay where you are, right? I do like the flames. I'm just kidding. Oh, and take your hair out of that thing. We liked it better out. But she got up the walk away. I went like this. Yeah, I don't like Gabby looks like every third girl, the second, the third lead in any rom, romcom from the third. Yeah, now you look like the first.

There you go. Your hair is up. You look like the third, like the guy, the girl that the guy winds up getting at the end, the little tomboy. Uh-huh. And that'd be the first lead. No, it's the first lead actually. What just happened?

I don't know. I tried to take it somewhere. Nobody wear it when we made, because I fucked up the third lead in the first. I was waiting, but you know, I failed. I failed. Sometimes I failed. Sometimes I failed. And knowing that is humility and we can build from that.

Yeah, knowing that is what's that? You look good. What? You look like the first even a movie. Yeah. Bob, you're looking for Steven and a movie. Yeah. Well, how long have you been locked up? Bob, you look good. Can you not say that way you're lying on your belly?

Yeah, I can do that. I can lick your lips and tell Bob he looks good. I can see the way laws. How are you? How are you straddling? How are you straddling somebody,'t want you straddling somebody a guest pillow look good Bob I Fuckin assholes. I I'm on the verge though a break in my diet

My wife made banana bread. Why would you do that now? I don't know because I'm strapped in a house for another two months. This is taking out heavy people left and right. What the fuck does that what? Oh, B.C.I started worrying because obesity is the second. After age, it's obesity. All right, can I say something right now

to Baltea's first of all you, Shabby? I never said obese. I know you didn't but I did that so dead not unlike it. I'm sorry. What do you want me to say you want me to tip toe around it? Well, if you first of all you talk on my calves. Don't take my joke. That was my joke. I just I didn't. I wanted one too. Don't telegraph it Bobby. Don't telegraph it next time. I really think it excited As soon as you said tiptoe me too. I

Pitched a little baby cartoon elephant with a twinkle Floek um thank you Paul. I appreciate that but it looks great. It it's, it's hard because there's so much shit food. You, the only food that you can stock up on is garbage. You know what I mean? You can't, you know, you can't stock up on an unhealthy ship because it goes bad. So it's all like cheesets and crackers and cereals and soups and all kinds of shit. I can't have that much stuff. The only saving grace is that Don hooked up with this farm wills, I forget the name of it, something farm and they ship us these meats custom meats. Yeah, so I just got an order of meats in like big fucking stakes.

Yeah, that's it. I want the Westchester, you know what I mean? So we got chicken, we got chicken, beef, pork, all that stuff. It just put it in the freezer, but like you can only eat so much of that, like I'm trying to not eat all that frozen shit with the kids because you know the kids eat like shit. Yeah, yeah, it's, uh, it's a little hard, you know, Max is Max and Donna sitting there eating fucking pancakes and cereal. And I'm having, you know, what do you have in oatmeal? Well, no, I can't have oatmeal and I can't have grains. I'm having you know. What do you have an oatmeal? No, I can't have oatmeal and I can't have grains. I'm not eating grains. So it's having a hard to ship. No, I've been

shitting a lot because I think I've been sick. I love my calter how he asked that question was such a seri. I've been on the act and died day three. You got the fucking center block through your asshole. No, I've been seriously, Bobby, with a fucking, you know, talking about being responsible right now with a fucking Oscar to grouch D shirt on. Well, I'm grouchy. I've been very grouchy. I've been very, I've been very grouchy lately at home.

What? You know, here you are again, Mike, trying to fucking you trying to divide and conquer and I don't like it. I'm not. I haven't yelled at anybody. Nobody yells at anybody. I'm yelling at you right now. I'm yelling at Gabby before she was. I didn't yell it Gabby did I yell you? No, that wasn't yelling. Thank you. First of all, that's the first sign of abuse. No, that wasn't yelling. You know, who do you yell at? more Mike or Gabby? Who do you think? Mike. Mike. Mike. Of course, what is it?

Yeah, look at him. Look at him. He's going to butt your figurines in a box. He has to sell. That's what I was like. That's what I was like. That's what I was like. That's what I was like.

That's what I was like. No, those of that's fucking that's how boy fucking Deadpool. Here he goes. I'm gonna look at Mike when he's not talking to me. He looks so sad. And then before he just when I thought I said it's sad, that's the cat walk by his head. And that was like, you know, I met Mike in San Antonio. He just showed up at my show and stood there. And then I came out and did like, I was like, Hey, he's like, hi, how you doing? Just the way I was like, I'm like, yeah, I was in a place to eat

because yeah, I know a place. This guy's going to either try to fuck me or kill me, but I'm going. This fucking lunatic takes me to a, what was the place you took me with the five pound honey bun? What was it? Oh, Lilus. Take me to fucking Lilus, 24 hour diner in San Antonio. The chicken fried steak is literally this big. So I ordered a chicken fried steak this big and then we got a honey bun.

It's this tall and probably that round. It's, I don't know how much it was and and it you know you think it's going to suck. It was the best honey bun ever has. So you bite into it. I'm going to take a couple bites halfway through. You're just like, you're fucking, you can't feel your feet. Yeah. Do remember you ate that, remember you ate that like football filled with custard and Montreal? What? Dude, we were in, I'm gonna tell this story. We were in, we were at the Montreal Comedy Festival

and Bobby was like, what happened? Oh, there it is right there. No, Mike, which is, that's what we ordered. You can get that at, it's fucking awesome. 24 hours a day, you can buy one of those. Oh my god. Yeah, you can buy one of those. Oh my God. You're the either cube. Me and Mike, me and Mike did half of that. Nice.

And then Mike took it home. Yeah, we were in Montreal and we were in Montreal. We were in Montreal. We were in Montreal and Bobby kept saying to me, when we were at the hotel, he was going, hey dude, China Towns got this great restaurant and then we could get this dim sum, and we kept talking about it.

So finally one night, me and Bobby did our shows, and we ventured off into China Town together, and he takes, we go to this site, took me to this restaurant, and we're walking back full, by the way, full. Yeah. And a real full, like, we know, like, like, like way too much food. We ate way too much food. I I mean wait for much food. Yeah, and

So we walked past a bakery that was open still and Bobby just curiously walked up to the glass, but then it turned into like a little kid see and puppies in a window Just goes what's that? I've seen that glimmer his eyes Just because what's that? I've seen that glimmer his eyes. Yeah, like that. It's like little kid boy, what's that? Hold on, let's just go in and we walk in and it's just one Asian dude and us and they're looking at this thing that looked like a football made a dough.

It was just gigantic and it had like cream in it and this tall Asian, I know it's not for it. I remember the Asian guy was like a big dude and he took it and he took a bite of it and got cream in it and this tall agent, I know it's not for, I remember the, the Asian guy was like a big dude and he took it and he took a bite of it and got cream all over his mouth. And Bobby was staring at him. Bobby was staring at his face and waiting for the approval of the taste. And then Bobby just, Bobby's just mouth dropped and Bobby goes, is it good? And the guy just looks at him and goes,

and Bobby just goes, fuck it, and he bought this thing. Hell yeah, he bought it off him. He bought the rest of it. He was like, that's our only one. He's like, you double. They wound up coming out with other ones. Sorry. I bought one.

It literally, it was a football. It was cream in the middle and just, I mean, it just showered with coconut. And I'm telling you right now, I ate that thing. I literally, I think I just pushed it into my mouth. With what? I just went, cream's coming out of your ears and nose. You're just like, I remember versus you going,

what is this looking like? What the fuck is it? Well, you looked at him and you go, is it good? You guys like lock guys and had this moment. Oh, this guy, he didn't want to look at me though. He kept looking away like, is he just want to eat it quietly? Yeah, because it looked like you wanted to bite his neck.

It's the same energy as like a guy in a glory hole. You know, I mean, this is both you're both doing your shameful addictions. That guy was just trying to eat just, you know, shame eat by himself. I've never done a glory hole. No. Which is. But yeah. You've done a glory hole, have you? No, I haven't. Yeah, you have. I haven't. I would tell you if I did.

You know I did a glory hole? No, no, but I saw this documentary on really interesting on YouTube today. On your own phone about glory holes. And documentary. No, you're not. You're not. I did. No, but it was about the time square on the 70s and 80s. about glory holes. And documentary. Document.

But it was about the time square on the 70s and 80s. And I mean, I remember just the tail end of it when I moved in the 90s. Yeah. And when I started coming out early 90s, it was still kind of going on. And I mean, they replaced, and they had the windows, right? They basically had the windows, you could, put a quarter in and it goes up and the girl, she does all this stuff with dildos and stuff. But then he goes, at some point in the 80s,

they took the window out and they just had, I don't know, yeah. They just had a little one by one window, you could just stick stuff in. And it came, it was like it became this perfect little window for prostitution. So as soon as that window opened, you had a minute to negotiate. Oh, fuck you wanted. And yeah, you had a minute.

Now you had to put, I remember, I did it with the first time me burdane, Patrice, Bob Marley were all in New York. And now the many, we all went into one. It's this round room and with doors all, like rooms all around it and little windows. And I remember we stuck our heads in and I could see Billy and Patrice head and we were all like, what's up? And it was just naked women, like a genie bottle. Wow.

That's what it looked like. And then you'd call them over and you'd tip them. And as the window was going down, you put it on the token and it would go back up. Oh, nice. Yeah. And I remember Patrice. You sick on the window.

I, well, my dick didn't reach. I need a step ladder. But I remember one time when Patrice came in, he was like, I just remember my door opening and then being mushed up against the wall, he goes, Bobby, put a token in. I'm like, get out. I was screaming on. Get the fuck out. I got no money. Put a token in you cock sucker. And I had to put my head just pop, pushed out. He's behind me. And then he was just ducking behind me. You can see his eyes.

He goes, get that one over there. The big one sitting down with the C section. So I was like, excuse me, I was like, excuse me. Miss my head. I was like, man, can you come here, please? It's like you tip in and he's like, give her a couple bucks. I'm like, you motherfuckers for having had a give her money and he was like, have her put a titty in the window.

He's my head with a big black hand. He's in a titty. He's rubbing your cheek on one end and the titty on the other. I was so mad that he's like, it bitch me. I was going that. I would never go on the glory hole. Probably this isn't you one, but here's the real deal. There's some famous ones in Tampa.

Hmm. What do you mean? I feel this day like they're in a bookstores. Oh, what? What? But I met this fat black chick one time and she told me that guys would pay her to go in there and wait for guys to predict through and then the guys will blow the other guys.

I know. I mean, the worst thing in the world if I was like, that was the best blowjob ever gotten the Norton comes out and high fives me. The best one ever gave, Fag. I mean, well, Verzi, you've never done any. You'd never do that. You can't give a shoes dirty. Never mind stepping around with those, they just mopped up somebody else's jizz. No, I remember in Times Square years ago when it was like a quarter or like a peep show or whatever it be. And my buddy were like 17 or 18. We went in there. And I didn't

know what a quarter was. And this thing just split, it was really like a one second thing. And then it just closed. And it was like, what was that? It was, you know what I mean? Like someone topless or whatever. And it was the grossest like, that gave me, man.

Yeah, I remember the videos too. You had A, B, C, D, and then you had one or two. And it was too much because I would just, I'd be sitting there pushing the buttons going through all these different videos. You know what I mean? Just click, click, click, click, click. Try to find one. This one is really, supposedly had, was it all happening on the same day? Yeah, no, I know, I remember ABC, 83, one. Oh, I used to go to these all the time when I was in New York. You that's

You got your mind. Did you get your dick suck through the window? No, no, never because I fron you couldn't reach it was it was head high I see you could you put you know put a little Jack off what you suck at any yeah, you can tickle something Jack off while you suck a titty. Yeah, you can tickle something Wash your figure off of the baby yet. Yeah, you had a you had a bag. I'm you had a tip for the baby wipe That was that's why you were Pussy's free but cleaning the pussy juice off your finger that cost money I used to go all the time, but I remember one time when I was, I knew it was bad when I, I just walked, I used to wait to walk in, the coast was clear, and I'd walk in and look

at some movies first, and then kind of, and then I remember one time I just walked in, went in, and walked out, and waved to the guy, what's up, sealette? Yeah, I didn't give a shit. Bob, you forgot your punch card. Yeah. It's put in the box and you're don't the rule. It wasn't exactly social distancing. Yeah. I mean, geez, thank God these. Bobby high five. The guy with the same hand. Yeah, this is going to really ruin the sex industry, this coronavirus. Well, the camping industry is skyrocketing though. That's true.

I guess camming is going to go nuts, but I mean, the strippers, I mean, who wants to go to a fucking strip club? Yeah. Who's going to want to go to any of it? Dude, you know you're a man with nothing to lose. If you walk into a strip, join one of these days. I mean, if you just stroll, you know there's some guy like knocking on the door tonight.

Hell yeah. Just like, come on man. I'm good. Ain't no Chinese motherfucker gonna stop me from getting my dick sucked in a strip club. What about that Chinese stripper on stage right now? Coffee. Yeah.

Yeah. He's holding a duck. I want a club soda and some soup. Get that chick on stage. Yeah, it's it's it's got got to be Yorkies back there. What's that animal called again? What is it? A pangolin a pangolin where the fuck up pangolins from right over there? It's got to be I've never heard of a pangolin. Did you ever see Mike? You got to know the guy Mike. Did you ever see or know of that guy Joe exotic that Tiger King. No, I was telling Bobby last night. So that guy was an Oklahoma, but big cat rescue is right here in Tampa, passing every day on my way to work. Oh, wow. That's the woman. That's the woman that he put a hit out on.

So supposedly I'm supposed to have her on the show later and later on the week. Did you watch the whole thing? I did. It was, yeah, it was, it was, well, I'm episode, I'm episode two. So some woman called, I haven't seen it at all. Thank God for Mike shitty internet. He's not gonna ruin everything. We missed all that. We missed it all. You got everything but good internet.

He was supposed to come today to cable people and they didn't. He's my showbiz. What happened? What would what happened? What'd you say? So the the handyman from the thing that was out by the no, got the legs, the no legs. How are you getting in Paul?

No, Mike just Mike she uses phone like Verzy because the 5G would work better than your shitty internet for sure Mike Reset and Mike a thing and Mike go on your phone and you do it Download the app on your I want you I want you laying on you like perzy as well. I got yeah I want you to tell me I check this out guys speaking of being fat forget about having the perfect beach I'm gonna try to move locations while you do this. Okay, can you not interrupt me and just do that in your head?

You want permission to punch that thing? I'm going to have a drink of water while you do this. Okay, great. Have a drink of water. Forget about having the perfect beach body. The truth is that carrying too much weight increases your risk of high blood pressure, heart attack, sleep apnea, joint pain and increased resistance to insulin. That can all lead to diabetes. Look, I just lost

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Yeah, he fucked up my copy by doing that. All right, Mike, just leave it there for a second, okay, buddy? Eee, I don't want to yell it. I don't want to yell it, anybody. Oh, yeah. No, I'm kidding. Withings has an ecosystem of award-winning connected devices beyond the scale, okay?

First, they have the scale though. I got to talk about the scale. That's what I got. Talk about the scale. Well, how am I going to talk about the scale. Okay, first, what they have the scale though, I got to talk about the scale. That's what I got. I got the scale. Well, how am I going to talk about the scale when we're talking about, listen, it's below. Keep going. All right, listen, smart watches, blood pressure monitors, I have one of their watches,

by the way, and I like it because it's actually, it looks like a watch. I have a smart watch, I have the garment, but I have this one and I love it because it looks like a watch, but it a smart watch, I have the Garmin, but I have this one and I love it because it looks like a watch, but it also does all the things my Garmin does. It's known for their accuracy and ease to use. Step on withing smart scale and data from every way in goes directly right to your rated health mate app.

Okay, so anytime you step on the scale, it keeps track of all the progress you're doing. It's available on iOS and Android, the app. I got the app on my phone. I step on the scale and it keeps track of my health as easy as that. So it's on my phone and I can see the results right in my hand. I lost 30 pounds. Like I said, I step on the scale and I need that information to help me keep going. It motivates me. And this, this, this, this withing scale is just fantastic. It's amazing. If you want to take control of your weight or just add muscle, lose fat, withing smart scale can help. It can help you in every aspect of losing weight and being healthy. At every weigh-in, you get a weight full body composition, weight trend, even a local weather report.

In fact, the Tom's guide recently named Withings Body, the best overall smart scale of 2020. Get 25% off body and body composition, Wi-Fi smart scale at withings.com slash Kelly. For all you fucking chubby motherfuckers out there, and you probably have to cut this, but for all you chubby bastards out there doing this diet with me, trying to lose weight, and there's a lot of you. Right now, 25% off this Wi-Fi smart scale withings, withings.com slash Kelly. That's withings W I T H I N G S. .com back slash Kelly. Go right now get this scale, lose some weight, get healthy, especially with this virus, all this stuff going around, we need to get healthy.

We need to start taking it seriously. And this withings scale is going to help you. So make sure you go there. All right. Master withings, master your vitals. We're back. We're back. I some trying to get on. You know what would be cool is if when we did these zoom like podcast that that was pre

done. We can't, first of all, I got I got. I mean, I could just say dinner with my family, darn it. Well, maybe you shoulda, all right? I don't know what to tell you. Where is it? Paul's Mac is all the setup he did just turning his fucking phone on.

Paul's sitting in his fucking guest bedroom with no mic, no headphones. How dare you, Bobby, I took all this setup for this podcast. I literally got it leaned up next to one and T-bottled. How dare you Bobby I took all this setup for this podcast I literally got it leaned up next one Yeah, I'm against the life you fucking frame the shot horribly Yeah God forbid Bobby try and make $30 on the withing scale. Thank you. You're what I'm here for you buddy Thank you. You're welcome. I'm here for you, buddy. Thank you very much. So withings in there for me for having your back on that. I would

really appreciate it. Yeah. No. Yeah. You should definitely get a withing scale. Wait. Is Mike is Mike back to tell that story about the Tiger King? I don't mind back, but we're on some weird thing now. We're off the where we're all in the same thing at the same time. Now we're whoever's talking is the largest. I don't like this. Can we get back? Go up to the top right and hit gallery view. Where's the review? All right, gallery view. All right, I want that. Okay. Okay, that's on your side. It's the other way, right, Mike? Okay, great. Mike, are

you on your phone now? No, so my wife was having problems with the internet, so she just reset the whole fucking thing. I'm in here doing the show. I see. Did you hit her? I'm taking her. I'm taking her. Did you take me to go to that, did that interrupt your thought? Oh, yeah.

It's. It was right off the internet. Yeah. If he came back and one of those guitars were broken. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. It wasn't my knuckles. It had a hair.

It had a hair on the strings. I'm not like your other friend, Burr. I got enough stored up. I got enough nuts, shout. I'm a squirrel that forgot to fucking collect nuts from the winter. I gotta do a couple a couple commercials in the middle of this to make it a little shackles. You bring that back minutes later. What? What? You're bringing that back. I was talking about the guitar and the hair and the guitar. That's because I couldn't get back to the type of screen I wanted. I want all of us in. I can't attack unless I can see you. Yeah, I'm really, I'm really the, the, the amount of content that is being spewed upon America right now is mind boggling.

Oh yeah. There are fucking, I mean, famous, famous comedians. All are doing these live type of shows. Mm-hmm. But I think part of it is, I think the reason why too, is as much as they want to keep what they're doing out there, I just think that it's the same way when a comedian gets the itch to be on stage after not being on stage for four.

There's just something where they're just like, I need to do something. We're so used to where they're just like, I need to do something. Like, we're so used to like our schedule being like, I gotta get out there tonight. I gotta show. I gotta do a set, even if I don't have a set, I'm gonna go to a club. And these guys are just sitting down in a lot of them,

like are lonely without families. So, you know, I had to rub it at the end there, Hup Hall. A lot of different 30 year old men quarantine with other 30 yearyear-old men, with nothing but fast and the furious movies. There's a couple of front toothless guys and queens. But Mike, you know what, you could just tell me off the air then.

No, no, I'm ready. I'm ready to go. Are you sure? So, so the handyman, I'd think he arrest you. The guy with no legs. Yes, so his son, his sonlaw. I'm sorry, you guys are making me an excuse. I keep reading your name.

The non-chalant elephant. I told Mike, I can walk through the mall with you. It was like walking with a non-chalant elephant. That's his name on an evening. I'm never in a hurry. I have no, never in a hurry. That's why, guys. Beautiful.

Anyway, I think I found out who killed the guy. The guy that they think that she killed her and fed him to the Tigers. Yeah. Yeah, it was the, the handyman that she killed her and fed them to the Tigers. Yeah. Yeah, it was, it was the, the handyman that did it. What? Your own personal, personal, personal, personal, personal, personal, personal. No, no, no, no, this isn't a part of it. This isn't in the documentary. Wow. So the guy with no legs is the theory that he's the one that killed her first husband. No, no, no, no, the different handyman from the the big car rescue. Oh, okay. I did got so the woman killed somebody

They think the woman from big car rescue her husband just disappeared and this hitchhiker that picked her up She's supposedly with him and they're still married and there is like well, where's the husband nobody knows And they adjusted his will to say if he disappeared before it happened So it looks like yeah, it looks like that. They killed. Yeah, he's tiger. He's definitely a tiger shit. So, but no, but this lady called today and said that her son-in-law is the handyman son. And then he claims the handyman killed him because he was abusive. And this guy came from, I also had an abusive father. And then one day he just lost his mind and why could they got, we're gonna talk to him this week. Wow.

Wow. Bottom of it. Do you see it must be so easy to kill somebody if you work around tigers. Yeah. 47 tigers in your backyard. Do you know how fucking polite I would be to my wife if she was into tigers. You know I wish I had 47 tigers and my wife if she was into tigers. You know, I wish I had 47 tigers and my wife said the fucking internet off a couple of You got a golden doodle on a turtle. A tiger would just be shitting out diamond earrings and jewelry. I watched that thing this last night and a little bit today. I mean, it's interesting, these tiger people, these animal people, but I always knew that from day one.

I remember we were trying to adopt a dog around 20 years ago in LA. And I had to go, because I thought we bought a dog, we bought a silky tarier from a breeder. And then I was like, oh, you should have adopted newer in LA. All right, let's go adopt one, just say, and I had to go meet all these women. And it's usually middle-aged women that have the divorce, the guy left her,

because she was, you know, those dog shit on the carpet every fucking day. The house smelled like piss and fucking the house smelled like piss and fucking yodels. the divorce, the guy left her, because she was, you know, that there was dog shit on the carpet every fucking day. The house smelled like piss and fucking fucking yodels. And you go in and they're just crazy fucking people. They're nuts.

It's like, you're a dope. Papa, why is he Paul? He has one eye and a half a tail on a broken ear. I'm not taking that shit down. Get the fuck out of here. I'm taking your problem. The thing is, it has diarrhea constantly. Fucking winking at you all the time.

Fuck. Fuck that. Yeah. Yeah, I actually want to tell him one of them. I go, look, when you get a brand new puppy girl, nothing wrong with it, small, I'll take it. Other than that, you can keep your, keep your broken fucking. Give me the good shit. I don't want to take an a 14 year old fucking broken dog

Yeah, I'm not trying to go dog thrift store shopping. Yeah, every time every time somebody whistles at a tax and ankle My mother-in-law my mother-in-law adopted a 10 and a half year old cocker Spaniard that was deaf and blind. And then when she realized, she didn't know how fucked up it was. But when she found out how fucked up it was, she brought it to my house. And she goes, and I'm fucking sitting outside this thing, this poor thing's name was Benson. It was running into walls and shit. And he was really running into walls and shit.

And she's like, you know, he would be a great dog for this house. Now, I think we get that thing to fuck out of him. Yeah. We're all Benson now. you know, he would be a great dog for this house. Now, I can get that thing to fuck out. Where's Benson now? Do you know anyone with Tiger's ball? We do when your dog dies. My mother called me one time. Her dog died in the middle of the night. Now I was like, all right, we'll take care of it tomorrow. And she's like, no, tonight, I'm like, it's one o'clock in the morning. I got a little work at six. with the mornin'. She's like, no, I got it. I'm like, it's one o'clock in the morning.

I got a little work at six. So I called the place and they said, well, we can get in the morning. And I go, okay. And I told her just put her in a garbage bag and leave it outside till the mornin'. She wouldn't do it. I have the joke in my joke and my act about that

because when Kelby died, she, like, we knew he was going that night and she wound up, she slept in the bed with him and came out, I slept in the couch and cause I didn't wanna roll over on him. You know what I mean? But we know, you know what I mean? And in my act I go, I didn't wanna roll over and take the last 10 minutes of his life,

just there, rip and just see shit fly across the rim on the wall eyeballs popping out So so she literally came out she's like what We should go. Sorry. I'm going to bed. I'm like now. What the fuck am I I'm doing this? So I went out in the middle of the night and I I fucked up my panic I went out I in the middle night dug a hole. I put Cal be in I went out, I in the middle of the night, Doug a haul, I put Cal B.N. When I, I dug him up, put him in the back gap,

but when I came back in, she goes, did you put the blanket, did you wrap him in the blanket I left on the table? I was like, no. Yeah. And she goes, I put the dog poem, did you put his poem in his favorite ball? And I was like, I go, is he king fucking, I didn't know I just dug him in the ground.

Yeah. And she goes, you didn't put him in anything. I go, I put him in the, I put him in that plastic tub work container. She goes, you can't, he's going to decompose and never go into the ground. He's just going to be, it's going to be like soup. Yeah.

The next night I had my friend, come over because I didn't really know exactly where I buried him. And we went back out the next night and I had a, uh, breaks my heart. I had a dig, can't be back up. Oh, it was terrible. It was like fucking pet cemetery. And I had a big swimming body. Yeah. Just to shovel down and just I was

like, I didn't, I was wondering who pieces, you know, so, uh, gee, I wrapped them in the blanket, I put the poem, I put the ball in and we could, I was just going to be by the leg and threw in the woods. No, no, no, no, no, no,

I'm glad to slide them in peanut butter and threw them in the woods for coyote. We know we had a cat. We had an old cat that died and my wife made me do that. So you put it in a tupperware and then she goes, we gotta go bury it and we live in an apartment. So we went to our parents' house and they live in a townhouse.

And all they have, like, this little plot of area in front of their garage. So I went out and I dug and dug and dug and I hit rock. So I was like, fuck it, that's good. So I just put it in to where the, to the way the top of where it would just be a little bit on the ground and I just covered it in dirt. Three weeks later, they sold their townhouse. From maddening being the next people out there going to plant fucking

bolognias. What is that? And open it up and it's fucking three week old dead cat, hard to sue. Oh, I got the first time rains it just shows up. We actually, cremated diva. That's easy.

Yeah, that was easy. She just leave them there and then you go back and pick her up. We just break the word later. Dude, I still got him. You want to see him? They're right there. They're on my dresser. I just, I have, I keep forgetting about him. Yeah. I swear.

No, dude, I can't. I swear to God, we were gonna, we were gonna spread our asses, but it's on my dresser. And it keeps getting the maids. Keep putting stuff in front of it. So I remember everyone's like, we gotta fight and then I forget. So she's been on the dress. That's it. Haunting you. She's been on the dress of the trees. Oh, get me Diva.

What are you saying? Do they try to put on? That's worse. No, I have a My son won a goldfish at a fair, right? Yeah, and it was the one where you saw the ping-pong balls. Yeah, and he fucking got five of them for a dollar and four of them went in and the carnivore was confused like my son But you started crushing it. So I go home with like a fist full of fucking fish, right? And like my son just started crushing it. So I go home with like a fistful of fucking fish, right?

And every day one died. And then the next one died. And then the next one died. But the last one lasted seven years. And it needed four tanks. Oh, this fucking thing I could have forgave it to the aquarium. It's it. I actually had to call up and go listen,

is there like an abnormal thing with some of these things? Because like this thing is like, this thing is, I was like, I bought four tanks. This kid's in a 20 gallon tank. It's a goldfish. Yeah. Wow. So it was a goldfish that just didn't die

and everything around them died and he kept living and I kept having to give them. And they were like, he's gonna grow to his environment. So I kept buying him and buying him. And then finally, after seven years, went in the room and I saw him there. He started slowing down and then the next day he was done and my son didn't know. And I was like, I can't even flush, I was just trying to flush down the fucking sock down the floor.

But I can't flush this thing. It's like almost too big to put like a giant shit. What is that? It's Bobby after that fucking cream football. Yeah. Yeah, Bobby took this thing to sign it down. You should have made a quick bug, dude. You should have bartered. So dude, I'm like, I'm not going to get clogged with this gigantic thing.

And this thing is old with that Cameracle because it's been seven years. So it's been in a brown lunch bag in the freezer for like three or four months. What? What? Yeah, it's downstairs. Go get it.

Go get it. Go get it, Tim. I gotta get it. I'll get you here. I'll get you here if you get the fish. I've got it. I'll go get you. I'm serious.

Get it. Yeah, I'm dying to see it. Oh, I fuck it. I'm serious. I'm dying to see it. I'm fucking. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is awesome. What do you think it looks like just fucking growth was frozen perfectly? I think it's probably nice and maybe a little frostbitten, but I think it looks pretty good

if I had to guess. Yeah. I'm much more interested in this fish than the ashes if I'm being honest. I don't know what we're going to do with the ashes. Just look at the ashes. Yeah. What's the vibe with the ashes? I'd fall for that nonsense when my pet dies.

I love my pets, but I'm not going to, like when I came over to get my mother's dog, he was like, well, there's some options. I go stop. Just be coffin for a fucking dog. Yeah. A spiritual journey for your. It's a close-up. Yeah. After life. Close-up. Jewelry A spear for Bernie for your close on.

Yeah. Close on. Jewelry. We can make jewelry. I don't know. Who the fuck are you? You got a close on. Mike, you got a dead animal too?

Yeah, Mike, what are you doing? I told my dog die two months ago. What's the name of that? Hey, hang on. Let me go kill one of my animals. I'll bring it back. I'll go strangle my roommate. Yeah. All right. Come here, dog. Hey, hang on let me go kill one of my animals up I'll go strangle my roommate. Yeah

Part of this Here we go fish reveal Huge fish reveal unboxing Dead fish unboxing I get sick with the shit. No, that's how how do you think fucking this whole virus thing started? Out of it It's kind of bent in half, but I gotta do it like this Call your kid in here real quick. Yeah. Oh my god. Where is he? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait That was an accident. They gave that to the car. Hold the accident. That's an accident fish.

Yeah, did that fly? No, that's like Godzilla, dude. That's the thing. So four tanks or tanks almost seven years. Send that for a lab. And the thing is like, why do we still have it? Why do we still have it? So I couldn't flush it.

And my son was like, daddy, what are you going to do with it? So I couldn't flush it and my son was like Daddy, what are you gonna do with it? He was a little upset He was trying to hold it together because it's been his pet for seven years. Yeah, so I go so Salvacano Who's got the heart of a fricking you know saint? He had he had his goldfish frozen in ice for six years because he said he didn't know what to do with it So I just go I don't have I mean, I don't have water. I just put this thing in a bag. I'm a talent. You know what I'm saying? So, just sitting there and yeah, I mean,

but they did tell me they go, they're supposed to live if they're like healthy six to 10 years and they grow to their environment. And this thing did that. If I would have got that thing a bigger tank, it would have gotten even bigger. That's the thing. Like a dip lock or something, not just like, I love or something not just like I love I love I love don't think I didn't know let's let's get this clear for a second Okay, let's get this clear with everybody. Don't think for a second. I didn't know you guys were trying to call me out on a story that wasn't real

Okay, let's go see it. No, let's go to the fish. I thought you had it for sure. I thought I knew you had it. Nobody thought you were lying, you paranoid fucking guy. No, Bobby, go get him. No, because I wanted to see it. You're fine. I was kind of wilders. Don't think I didn't know you guys were wearing a wire right now. I don't believe you go fish story. Say it again.

It makes me sad to see little little diva. Where's diva's ashes? Where are you going to put them? I don't know, they're right here. I've never looked at them. Oh boy. I don't know how to open this. I think it's tricky. I'm going to unscrew it. Is that all over again? That would be incredible. If you get exposed and you look like Ash Wednesday,

it'll be the best thing ever. Oh, God. It's just a paw print, right? And then just threw up and started crying. We're still streaming on YouTube. Of course. Bobby, rub some of it into your skin so you guys could be like one.

What do you think of my listener? Yeah. I'll give you boys or goldfish. I give it here. Yeah, you have blue or white. You're finally crew tickets if you do it, Bobby. All right, man. Okay.

Who Rubbin on you is, yeah, take your dog and run to you. That's wonderful. Who look? There's a little weird. Just a little weird. We we it looks like a big tit every time you take a simple fucking love it. Oh my god, Verzy. Well, that's the biggest goal for sure. And I had the same thing. Our goal might. Here's the thing. Max want a goal for

Sha one of those little carnivals. Please. Anyway you waited. No. The guy, the guy said my wife was like, look, I don't need another, I don't want to pet how long? It's going to last a week. The guy from the carnival is like, it's going to last a week. She's like, alright fine. This thing lasted for a year and a half, but my wife tried to murder it like five times.

What? Yeah, because we went on vacation. I was like, well, what about the fish? What about him? And we come back at seven days. We went seven days once. We came back. I'm like, the fish is dead.

It was kind of floating on its side. She's like, oh, thank God. All of a sudden, it just perked up. It's time to do a nap and max it. Okay. Blu-blu-bl that. And Max, you're like, yay, blah, blah. And yeah. Yeah.

Yes. You could get a vacation, you could get like a vacation pellet that you put in. What's that? It's time to go, if you go away for a week or two weeks, there's something at the pet store. It's just one little, like it's actually one pellet that you drop and it just,

they eat for a week or two. I really did that with dogs. That's the one thing I'm about having a dog is you can't go on fucking vacation. You either got to pay to board it or pay to take it with you. And most times you can't take it with you. It'd be great if they had a little vacation pellet for a dog. You know what I mean? Yeah, just a big hunk.

Just give it a whole, like, a little side of a cow. Like, you leave outside. Like, just their own leisure. You can just make a vacation room, a dog room where I can just shit. Just eat for a week and not die. And then just have a maid come in the day before you come on and clean the dog vacation room. That's right. Turn the shed into the dog, the dog, the shit room.

Yeah, but back in the day, dogs used to, used to stay outside. Fend for themselves. It a dog house. Yeah. And I know people that still leave their dogs out. But someone isn't, we take them in now, what's that? I mean, leaving your dog outside overnight is, I mean,

it's not though, Verzy, they're out, it's not so verzy. They're out there. They're supposed to have fur. They're, yeah, they're animals. Yeah, your dog, your dog was lived outside its whole life until you rescued it from fucking Aruba, you fucking little dick. I think it was in a fucking dumpster. Yeah, your dog is like the movie blind side. Exactly. Your dogs like the movie blind side. You got a big dumb black dog. No, Jesus. An exceptional talented dog, Mike. Yes.

I never saw it. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I love it. Anyways, yeah, I just, I love having a dog. I love the dog, but I, I, I sort of got it. It really affects me at this age. I would rethink getting a dog again because that's another fifth. That's another, and my wife feeds it better than me for God's sakes. I mean, she makes chicken for I can remember that she made chicken breast I said I'm gonna put some on a salad she's like that's for the dog I'm like here's a fucking pandemic speaking to that dude is this thing thawing out I got a

fuck you do someone just like what yeah yeah yeah no't put that back in the freezer, dude. Bro, are you sunning here now? I'll explain it to you. Nothing would make me happy as if Paul's cat just had it to my local. And the fucking back while he was talking, he was just yapping and the cat was just knowing the tie out of it's frozen skull. Circle of life. And it released some of the fucking pandemic and he was ground zero. The fucking goldfish pandemic. The podcast flew. Oh, my God.

All right, we're listening. What? My daughter's the fished out the other day and she's seven. And I just said, let's get this out. Let's fix this right now. And she was like, my first time, they go, you know, that fish costs six fucking dollars. Let's just go buy a new one.

And now she understands how money works. And we just want to get a, we're gonna get a second. I'm not the economy. She's not even mad. She was like, okay, it's a crux. It's one guy, it's one guy. It's one guy's looking at another one.

I mean, that's why I like fish because you can do that, but dogs you can't do that. No, dogs you keep for a while. You went time out leaving, I leave my tortoise outside, but he lives in like a fucking hotel. He's got heat in there, got a fan,

and it's awesome. I even have somebody that comes in the yard and picks his shit up. Oh, my God. I have money. No, it's a cost $15 a week. He cost $15 a week to go through my yard and pick up my dog shit. And I go, would you pick up tortoise shit?

And they go, well, it's just like having two dogs. We'll try to an extra five bucks. I go, so for 20 bucks a week, you'll clean all the shit in my backyard. Nice to see you guys. I'm moving to Tampa. I'm moving to Tampa. I'm moving to Tampa.

The guys get a mansion for what it would cost for a house up here, right? And he got for $20 a week somebody picks up your pet shit. For $20 we get pigs up turtle shit and dog shit. Turtle shit is this big. Wow. The fucking turtle. I mean, turtle just shits. I would have never yes. He barrels.

What do they eat? Just grass? What is it? That is no main lettuce. Nice. It's expensive to feed that fucking turtle. Yeah, why did you get a turtle and they live for a hundred years? It's like you can never not have that thing. That's going to be a burden on your kids when you die. Who's taking dad's tortoise? Oh, shit.

I've trained the kids. They'll just snap it to neck and put it in the coffin with me. Right. The coffin. Like that makes soup. Be very like an Egyptian prince. You want to be buried with your turtle? Premaid means stick me in the shell with the turtle. Go to the turtle. Put it on some romaine. You'll live forever. I'd sell that to the Chinese. You'll live forever. I'd sell that to the Chinese. I got a good, I got a good eight foot alligator in the backyard last couple of days. Were you sorry?

Yeah, I did. Sorry. And you let your dog out there too, right? Yeah, but my dog's big. My dog's scared it. It's, it just lays there to son itself. It's not really threatening, but it's, it's been a while. Yeah, I love that you're just a, you're, you're an animal expert all of a sudden. How do you know it's not really threatening, but it's been an hour or a while. Yeah, I love that you're just an animal expert all of a sudden. How do you know it's not that a sudden itself?

Because it's out there taking the sun and golfing off an eight feet away from it, it doesn't even give a shit. Yeah, but what? What'd you say, Mike? You always have a good one, but everybody steps on it. Go ahead. It's wearing sunglasses. It wasn't working.

I want everybody to take a pause because I want it to be called to repeat that joke. He started shit on his own joke before he finished it Because I was gonna sit in here and talk Look how creepy Deva looks Yeah, dude. This is dark. Not red light, it's a. Uh, Deva. This is actually stuffed in there.

I just I never had a cremated. You just pushed your face in there. I just jammed on a real small box. He's just kept her head. It's been a business pet mush.com. And you're having having a tortoise. It must be a pain in the ass hole. It's it's not. I go out there once a day. When I'm walking the dog I throw it a couple of things of

Romana. Hang out with it for a while. I go. But it doesn't give you any pleasure. What does it do? Oh, it does. It runs through you. You go out there and you sit out there, it runs up to you. It runs through? It runs through?

Yeah, yeah, it moves around. You could pet it. You could pet his head. And then when he's eaten, you can go to my tortoise Instagram page, ralfiathortis.com or Instagram, or website ralfiathortis. And you can watch videos of a meat and it's infectious. Wait, Mike, can't he? Can't they like take a finger or no?

They can but they were vegetarian so they're only being accident They're only being accident if your finger gets too close to its mouth and it bit you It's just because it was trying to eat the food, but I can go and grab his head and rub his head. How old is he? 22 hilarious I'm hilarious. You've got a middle-aged tortoise. Dude, I got a friend with a bird, an African grey that could lift to 90, and he's just like, he'll like, what, five?

And the bird will just be like, you know, I'll talk to you and then be like, how old is that thing? It's in his 30s. Oh, it's pretty. My tortoise and my dog looking at each other. Oh, nice. Dude, that's fucking nuts, dude. Wow.

I'm with you. I like a tortoise. I fuck with that. Yeah why wouldn't you? You guys run the same speed. You have the same exercise regimen. I'll race it. Put a way different diet. That remained the fuck out of my face. All right well listen man. This has been a fun episode, dude. So fun. Thank you for having me, man. I think we should, it kind of makes me want to do all of my YKWDs like this. This is fun.

Zoom's fun, yeah. Zoom is going to, I wish I bought fucking stock in this company 20 days ago. If anything, I'm not convinced they didn't start this. They're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're 20 days ago if anything I'm not convinced they didn't start this there Caking up right now. Yeah, I mean there But I I it is really flawless and convenient just to stay home and you don't really lose anything No, not really yeah I did welcome except for that except for your wife going are you ready? What?

We'll go back to the studio as soon as we can do it. I think she might have heard me say she might have heard me say thanks for having Well listen, Percy. What do you got going on buddy? I mean what I don't know Checked on my Instagram Twitter all that man. No, I'm like, I got a little, I definitely a little a little bit under the weather. So I'm just trying to whatever mess whether that storm whatever it is and stay in the house. You know what I mean? Kyle and I'll baby. Yeah, they're saying that like, uh, they're saying that so many people either already had this. Like now people are coming out going like, yeah, like three weeks ago, I had a cough for two weeks. I was in bed with a fever. Doctor was just like, yeah, ride it out. And then now they're like, oh, it all makes sense.

So I think there's a lot of people that had it. I think there's a lot of people living with it now. We just found out, my mom just found out her friend's daughter had a bunch of people, all of the emergency room workers I heard are just getting in shit. So I'm just, whatever I got, I'm just gonna ride it out, man. So I hope you guys stay safe and I want to do this again when you guys for sure. All right buddy. Thanks so much. I'll talk to you later, right? I'm gonna get the fish back in the freezer. All right, I mean, what do you got there, Stavvy? Not much. I mean, in the same

way, I got a, of course, listen to come town, listen to pod don't lie. I do a basketball podcast with Sam Marelle. Uh, that we do. I can turn this thing off. Uh, good thing we didn't talk shit about you. What the fuck, dad? Just hit off. Just leave. You can't point it on me. What the fuck, dad?

So, and I think I'm going to do, I'm going to start twitch streaming some more too. So twitch.tv slash Stavvy baby. Play the way, fuck you, Stavvy. What's that? I text you when you were coming to Tampa and you didn't even text me back. You did. I've heard, I heard Stavvy is, Stavvy's getting like that. A couple, a couple people.

Oh, there we go. When did you text me? Hang on, let me finish my point. A couple people that know Stavvy from when he was kind of coming up around me, I'd be like, oh, what's up with your boy Stavvy? He's all fucking that now. And I'm like, what do you mean?

I love you. He did this. He didn't respond to me. He doesn't talk to me. Who? I talked off line. I literally just made up all those. I was like, you might just, No, I wanted to come. I thought I're fine. I literally just made up all the things. Mike is no, I wanted to come.

I thought I tried to fucking come on, but I wasn't, I was in Tampa for one night. Just Sunday. That's it. I think I got a text message. It was so loud. You need you, Mike. Yeah. Sorry, but I love doing the show.

I'd love to come on. Sold out didn't need you. No, no, no, no, you ruined it. No, it didn't sell out. I'm sorry more. Now you ruined it. No, it didn't so Kobe died, you know, what can I say it was a tragic day I already had something to say I'm sorry, but I'd love to come on for you. I was too late. No Dammit How'd you know a logo behind you, dude? I thought.

I do. Is that, oh, is that from, oh, oh, yeah. I thought you, I thought that was, uh, in the illicit, like, you put in. Oh, digital. It would be horribly placed. It's like behind us. Not, uh, actually, it's beautifully placed. Cause you're like, oh, that's Mike's logo.

It's kind of nice. What's up? I wasn't using my hand to talk. What were you doing? I was saying that's Mike's logo. It's kind of nice. What's up? I was using my hand to talk. What were you doing? I was saying that it should be up here. Yeah, I just put it down earlier. I did do a local TV thing through FaceTime so I just threw it in the bag. What was the local TV thing?

They did a story on this thing we're doing and raised money for bartenders. So they wanted to Skype it in because they didn't want to breathe any germs on me. So we just throw it in the back. That's funny. These, these, every day you put in a new bartender rep, right? Yeah, every day and it's just coincidence that they're smoking hot big dirty bartenders every day.

All the Tampa bartenders are hot fucking girls. I mean, I'm guys up there too. There's not one, there's not one middle aged guy at a is a hot fucking girls. I mean, I'm guys up there too. There's not one middle-aged guy at a little fucking regular VFW bar that in my teeth come right now. Carl is not emailing me yet. Alright, Starvy, thank you for coming on, brother. Boris, thanks for having me guys. Yeah, you want to do the comedy seller thing soon too. They do that at night. They ask me if you wanted to be on.

What's that? What's that? It's the comedy cell of nightly. They do a show every night. Same type of thing. Same podcast. Yeah, no, I'm on it. Same thing we're doing now except,

yeah, probably less funny. It's too bad. It's probably not, it's definitely not as funny as this. Yeah, I'm down. Yeah, all right, cool. All right, I'll have Liz get in touch with you, kid. Thanks, bro. All right, thanks, bro. I'll talk to, cool. All right, I'll have Liz get in touch with your kid. Thanks, bro.

All right, thanks, bro. I'll talk to you later. Gabby, what do you got? I probably have corona. I've been exposed. Oh, yeah, her father, Mike. Oh, my dad has. I know.

I love your dad. He's the best. What is your mom? She was a music promoter. No, I know what is her name? Was it April? Lexi? Oh, April's my mom. Lexi's my mom. She was a music promoter. No, I know what is her name. Was it April? Lexi. Oh, April's my mom. Lexi mom. Yeah. I met her back in the day. Really? Yeah. Well, that's why it went. So I could tell you exactly. It was 17 years ago as a first time

because they were down here in Tampa and I was hanging out. And yeah, that was that was the first time I remember, because it was like the week before I got married. You were a little baby. Yeah, you might even been there. What year? 17 years ago, 2003. That was a baby.

Yeah. That's, buddy, that seems like it was yesterday. That's 17 years ago. I know, that's crazy. She was a little baby. Look at her now. Look at her now. And she's just a spoil millennial.

How was your dad doing? He's good. I mean, it's like the flu with him. So he's just had like kind of intense flu symptoms, but he doesn't have to go to the hospital. He doesn't need a ventilator or anything. All the time he's been the Asia. He's got it. He's had it before. My dad has gone everything. He is on the malaria drug

and it's working, but he already has malaria. He's got mono shingles, rare stomach bug. Definitely going on in the 80s. Everything. We were like, we should have put money on the fact that you were going to get it. That's so good. But he's got some fucking awesome rock and roll doctor. He just calls up though. You know that. Yeah, our neighbor is a doctor and he just comes over and yeah, just take this pill. This is only the government has this pill. This is for the president and the vice president,

but I got you five. You know what I mean? Yes, so he's gonna be all right. He's gonna be fine. My mom has a two, but she has zero going to be fine. But you have a two. But he's a hero. She has zero symptoms. Now, but she might have them soon. I bet you she has no symptoms.

What what about you? Do you feel sick? No, my quarantine ended today where I wasn't supposed to go anywhere. Well, I got a penicillin because I think I got an in-ear infection or something from swimming in a pool a couple weeks ago. When I had a cold, maybe that was the corona because I keep getting a low-grade feeder

fever once every twice a day, and then it goes away. I think my son had it. I think my son had it about three weeks before everybody was talking about it because he had all the symptoms. He had the fever. He was nauseous. he had respiratory problems, and then he got over, he's only 13, he got over pretty quick,

and then all of a sudden everybody was talking about it. My wife's like, he definitely had it. Crazy. I should don't tell anybody, because they won't get ostracized. Isn't it weird that you'll get ostracized for this thing, but it's just the flu? No, I'm so happy being stuck in my house. I don't care.

Yeah. New York is weird. There's a weird energy in New York for sure. Yeah, it is. It's a weird and Mike, how's your family doing? I'm doing fine. Yeah, how are you doing? You? I'm doing good. There's just two caps on me for some reason. How you allergic to caps? You smell like you smell like two. No, that's the reason. You're allergic to. modly allergic to cats Yeah, they keep me to get on me tail is only in your ear Let me grab you just took them and throw in front of us

All right, well of course Mike you have Mike how to show every day you have Well, of course, Mike, you have Mike Halteshow every day. You have your bartender thing that you do on Instagram and Twitter to raise money for the local bartenders, even though they're smoking hot, they're sevens and above. I think you made sure, right? Isn't that what it's called? Eight and above? Eight and above. Gabby's is six and a half, so she's...

I'm a fucking ten. What do you think Gabby is? She's a half so she's fucking What do you think Gabby is she's a ten you on my side Mike? Oh, okay, I got this and I'm not to be a creep a Gabby is a strong nine I'll take it a strong nine How old are you? 26 All right, don't feel like that much of a creep You're 26 Gabby I'm 26. Oh, I feel like that much of a creep. You're 26 Gabby. I'm 26.

Oh, I thought you were like 22. No, I'm fully 26. Oh, wow. You get it. It was my birthday last week. Happy birthday. Can I say that to you? You did. I did, right?

Yeah. I sang to you, didn't I? You did. Oh, good. Happy birthday, Gabby. Mike, are you sleeping? Okay, there you go. Um, All right. So, uh you sleeping? Okay, there you go. All right, so I want to thank everybody on Patreon who's watching live. Are there people watching live, Mike?

Yes. Great. Thank you for being members of this. I know you're home stuck some of you. So I hope this is giving you some entertainment that you need and you like. You all, you knew people I wanna say thank you. Next week we're gonna have the names, right Mike? Yes sir. Well every week we, all the new people, we should have did this. We get new people we read the names Mike. Oh the name, what? What? I read all the new people's names.

I go through them all. That's Hoki. No it's beautiful. Mike tell him that you love it, don't you Mike? You will love it. People love it. This goes out to you, Phil Morris. I'll tell you what, it's funny,

because one of these guys make up names, like Lizard Dick 759. I know him. You'll go through it and it'll be like Gary Chocum and I fuck up the names because I can't read or spell So I'm fucking I literally but you everybody's name and then it's a very fun one So yeah, we'll read that next week and Mike you'll be here. We'll be back tomorrow, right? Yeah, what are we doing? Did tomorrow seven o'clock seven o'clock tomorrow? That is that cool. You want to do earlier? I can do earlier. I like seven o'clock. All right. Let's do seven o'clock tomorrow. I mean, is that cool? What do you want to do earlier?

I can do earlier. I like seven o'clock. All right, let's do seven o'clock tomorrow. I'll see you then. Like it. Mike will, I'll see you tomorrow. Gabby, stay safe. See you next week.

Yep. And I'll talk to you tomorrow. You guys watching. Thanks for being a member of the Patreon. Thanks for being a YKWD fans. It's stay safe, stay inside. Social distancing. And this will all be over very soon, right?

According to Trump, a couple more days. So I'll see you guys next week. You know what, then? Shut it down, Mike. You've been listening to the YKWD podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs. Shitty jobs. Shitty jobs.

Shitty jobs.