Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - Tim Dillon | Fake Green

Episode Date: April 30, 2023

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/DUDE today to get 10% off your first month. Listeners can get 40% off all products sitewide! Use promo code YKWD at GhostBed.com/ykwd for 40% Off Sitewide. Limited Time Only. Robert Kelly "Kill Box" AVAILABLE NOW at LouisCK.com https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://instagram.com/robertkellylive http://youtube.com/@ykwdpodcast https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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¡Dominos! Pizza Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD I started the social media podcast. The fact that YKWD podcasts. YKWD is back again. Old school back in the day. We're all starting before them all. YKWD is a podcast is so fun and crazy. And there's no rules.

Shut up, you're ruining this. Burn the bomb, dammit. I'm sorry. It's a comedy podcast. This is an'm sorry. It's not any podcast. This is an NPR. That's the podcast done. Is there any better show? This is the original.

The original. What's up, everybody? How are we? Are we good? What's good to be back? Sorry about last week's episode. Live from Moon Tower. We were mushed in every fucking possible way. It was a perfect setup. But things happened and the

show was fucked up. Some of you left Patreon. Some of you had to let me know why you were leaving Patreon because you're a fucking sissy. Who's I'm leaving? Because shut up, just go. You don't have to tell me. I'm a grown man. I fully agree with you. I understand if you left because the video is a little fucked up one episode out of seven million, I get it.

You had to go. But if you hung in there, thank you so much. The audio was fixed. We did the best we could. The camera got knocked over by mush. I think is belly. And I cost me 1200 bucks for Justin Silver's brand new camcorder. And whatever it is, what is, but it was a good episode. Hope you listen to it. Thanks for listening. Thanks for subscribing. I'm just kidding. Thank you for being here. Patreon. If you're watching free on YouTube, make sure you hit that little button right there. Maybe it's over here. Anyway, subscribe. You son of a bitch. Leave a comment and then suck

yourself off. Thanks for being here. Is that going to get me demonetized? Who knows what the rules are anymore? Nobody knows. I don't. I should be doing this longer than anybody. And I'm still at a three bedroom ranch in Westchester. But my guest who's here today isn't. He has homes all over the country. Why? Because he's really good at this. He's really good at talking. He's interesting. He's knowledgeable. He's funny. And I knew he was one of the motherfuckers when I first laid I had a thought up. I wanted him to fucking do it and I took him under my wing and like Kevin Hart did to Keith Robinson. He ripped that wing off and Joe Rogan's house. I

Remember what I said to you. I said Joe Rogan with the sink things thanks I should move to LA. You go, if Jerrogan told me to move to LA, I would leave my wife and my kid. I was set now. If he told me to move to LA now, not even Austin. Yeah, I want you to go to LA. You go, if Jerrogan told me to move,

he goes, I would kiss Dawn goodbye. And I said, I love you Max. I'll see you next month. Yeah, see you later. See you later with a big fat paycheck. I was, I mean, here's a deal because we've been talking. You went to LA. And then because of Rogan.

Oh yeah. Well, because like the scene was there and Rogan said to me, he's like, you would do well here. Sometimes you just need somebody to go, you would do well here. You know, and he said, I think you would do well here because I didn't know if I would or not. It's weird. It's a different place.

And I tried it out and it was good. And, you know, he was like, he helped out a lot. Can I tell you my, but I helped him more than he helped me, probably. 100%. No, can I give you my advice? I don't know. I get jokes anymore. I have no idea.

Can I give you my advice? Yes. You'll do any good anywhere. Well, that's sweet of you. Thank you That's sweet of you to say I think if you moved to New Hampshire, Nashua, and Hampshire You'd rock. I would join a white nationalist group I mean if I lived in New Hampshire with a lot of what I say it would be a real issue Right issue, but you get a lot any photo of me in the woods I go take it down

I'm like take it down even if it's like North Carolina woods next to a comedy club, I go just rip it. Even if you hold on a little shitsoo and you're looking at Lully. Yeah, it's I could be sucking a dick. I still go take it down. Looks not see it. Take it. Take it down. Um, well, Rogan told you to go out of it. Rogan told a bunch of people to do stuff and it worked out. Yeah, he's right about a lot of stuff. He created a scene in LA that was not there. That's right. And they tried to take him out with the Carlos thing. They canceled him.

Right. He was one of the first people, the first people. They can't, his agent, man, everybody. Yeah. Even the store, I told him, go fuck, can you do a photo from up top please, just to kind of thank you.

He's doing good, but I'm not so I had a lunch today. There was a ratio So I'll hang it from the ceiling. Just give me a drone shot. Yeah, can you get on a chair? You thin cock sucker with autism? I hate when someone goes to take like the comedy clip photos They're like going from under I go what are you doing? Oh, you're making it worse. They go from they squat down I know it's crazy go up in a balcony hang from a fucking tree a piece of shit I don't understand that they like crunch down. I squat down. They put it up. Oh my dude who wants that? What's that selling? But it's also on the side. Yeah, it's what you're there. Oh, it's the worst It's on your neck and they wait to you turn half. Yeah, it's just a fold

It's a profile photo of just your gut and then somebody goes. Oh, that's what I I'm going tomorrow for that. I hate it I hate it. And they don't it they're like what? Yeah, what I don't know you fucking not everyone looks like Sebastian menace scalp. Yeah, not everybody has fucking abs and anchor tattoos with parakeets Not everybody can do for any angle. Yeah, yeah, I can't I still get nervous about it Well, you look phenomenal. Thank you, but I appreciate it But and I'm getting I'm getting really sick of it. Can I just have a water? Oh, it's right there But we say when I what do you think we're fucking I had no idea the first podcast on the east coast? I had no idea I'm sorry. Oh, you know, I roll we have water. We got it. I was old first podcast to have water for guests

Did you know that I did not yeah first podcast to First process to have water. And you know, we did, we stuck with water. Yes. We didn't we didn't upgrade. We didn't upgrade at all. The studio looks so different. It looks so we're in flux. Yeah, I thought I was going to be walking to the old right. I don't know why I thought that but I'm walking to the old right and then I walked in here. I'm like, Oh, this is not we're doing a new thing. They, you know, they bought the McDonald's around the corner. I heard that. They bought the 7.3 mil. They bought the world star McDonald's.

Dude, that's crazy. They build a... They should have just kept it. I had comics do sets in it while people beat each other and then just livestream that 24-7 and made a lot of money. A lot of money. A lot of money.

Lots. Just comics getting attacked. Yeah, 100% yeah Fuck was that. Hey guys, you can laugh How you can stop holding it in like fucking Japanese women Yeah, you can wear it. It makes us you know, say we're comedians. It makes us feel good when we hear people I wish people could see the producers. It's just Korean women tiny Korean women The Bobby is now employing.

I mean, my crew is just nuts. They look fun though. They are fun. Especially if you give them pennies and lullipops. Yeah, yeah, they love the game jacks. Yeah, so the McDonald's becomes another club. Amazing. It's not becoming a theater. Almost like, and I want to get to this too,

because we have a lot to talk about with that. Joe Rogan's club to theater. Almost like, and I want to get to this too, because we have a lot to talk about with that. Joe Rogan's club in Austin. In Austin, it's going to be like that. I loaned him the money too. You did. I loaned him the money too. I heard that rule. I don't think it was true.

I don't like to talk about it, but I just bring it up a little bit. You're so humble. I loaned him the money. He called me and he said, Hey, mom, I need the money, mom. And I gave it to him. Here, your impression is is I don't even think it's close right it is No, it's not babe. It's not but it kind of is but it's not it's a bad impression

I was like, to him, but it's not my mom. I was like, I'm not, I'm not. It's weird, man. We're both a dog. That's great. It's a good thing. And to my club. So what are they gonna do with the theater?

Just have people do theater shows? They're gonna do, I know. It's gonna be run like this. That's awesome. And if people wanna do a show, they could probably do it, but he's just gonna run it. Just, so he'll have that as the 200-something theater, theater, beautiful, redoing the whole thing

from the ground up, owns the building, smart, and then his village underground, the other three, the other four clubs. That's awesome. It's got to be great, but you know, and I'm glad he did it because it's great to have a brand new comedy, Salah. That's amazing. Yeah, the other ones are great, but they were something else and became a club, for sure.

Which is fantastic. I love the pussycat. You play the pussycat something else and became a club for sure, which is fantastic I love the pussy cat you play the pussy cat. I don't do any of them dude. You got to do the pussy cat I don't do anything You get a night at the pussy cat the pussy cat just come in it. Yeah, I know it's so loud It's like a Moroccan theme lounge sounds it looks fun. I just don't live here So I do a favorite it's my favorite club in the city. Okay. The cello's awesome. It's just amazing. It's a lot better. But the pussycat is awesome.

I like the pussy, I've been in the pussycat as cool as fuck. Yeah. I love the VU, which is cool, but the pussycat's my joint. At that little balcony up top, which is weird. Usually just a bunch of stupid kids are there. And it fills up with the world.

Yeah. The world goes there. Like tonight there was two fills up with the world. Yeah, the world goes there like tonight It was two gay Dominican dudes awesome young little couple then there was three German guys Yeah, and then some lady from Kentucky and then a fucking huge guy from Switzerland with this Mother's show will have like the gay Nazis Yeah, the haircuts and they're just like we are in the gay Nazis. Yeah, it's not like that. Yeah, fuck you Nihilus and they're just like, we are in the gay Nazis. Yeah, it's not like that is me. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Nialis. But you move, so you moved to LA under the tutelage of Joe Rogan.

And it, and it panned out. It was, it worked. It worked out. It worked for you. It worked for everybody. Everybody kind of popped out you. And, and, and, and of course, all things comedy had some shit, right? Yeah, there was a lot of people just doing stuff

and podcasting and doing stand up. And it felt good. It was, I think I had left it to 2018. I was hanging out there a lot and then 2019 I moved and then 2020 was a pandemic. And then you went to Austin. Then I went to Austin. Then I wrote and tell you to go to Austin?

Well, yeah, he said I was opening a club. It took a lot longer than I heard he forced you. I heard he had a gun. He had a gun. And he said, if you don't go, if you don't go to Austin. If you stay in Alabama, I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what's gonna happen. No, he said I'm gonna open a club and it took a little bit,

but I moved there. I didn't vibe with the city. Everyone knows that. That's, I've been very public bit, but I moved there. I didn't vibe with the city. Everyone knows that. That's, I've been very public about that. I love Joe, I love the club. I spend more time there now because there's a club, and there's certain things about the city I like more now, but I'm a cunt from New York,

who just, you know, holds everything to the standard in New York, which is hard. Expression in Austin. It's tough. It's tough. But, you know, I went out there, I don't know when it was, maybe a year and a half ago, or something like that. And you were a little impatient

because the club wasn't opening. Yes. And it was like, is this happening? I guess he had one spot, it didn't work out. He got a... He always does it. And he always wanted to do it right. It took longer to do it right.

But it ended up being much better. I was like, Russia, it just opened up anything. But he of course stayed the course. Yeah. And he did the right way. He did the right thing. And then you were a little nervous when we're out there. Like, I don't know if it's going to open. I'm like, I didn't know what's going to happen.

I didn't know it was going to happen. And you, your big gripe was there's no food. Well, it's not even that there's no food. It's just that it's all barbecue. It's all Mexican stuff, which is fine. You can't get seafood. You can't get fish. You can't really get sushi you can't get fish, you can't really get sushi

and the city's a not a city that I particularly enjoy. Well, I have a theory that all the scooters yeah, all the new scooters they have there are actually homeless people they turn homeless people into the school It's very possible and I don't hate it. You see the scooters later night, they're lying down on the ground like homeless people. That's what they do. I think they were homeless people. They turned into a scooter.

Well, the downtown's Mexicans come and take them out. There's a lot of homeless people, and I know everyone's like, well, low lays bad. It's like, you're sure at least bad, but it's not great either. There's a lot of homeless people. A lot of problems.

Dude, Austin is after a certain night, it's the witchy hour. It's no joke. It's no joke. It's no joke. And people, they wanted, like, Joe list was talking about this on YKW last week. They won't acknowledge it. No, ignore it. They're like, what are you talking about? I don't know. The gang on the corner had to walk zero. So people in that city, this is another reason it was, I kind of like everyone,

I've grown up in New York my whole life. If you said to a New Yorker, New York sucks, it'd be like, yeah, and let me tell you 10 reasons why. You know what I mean? Yeah, like nobody was ever like, and this was the greatest city in the world, but everyone's always shitting on it. When I got to LA, everyone was always shitting on LA. You're the austinist, I almost feel like you're an occult

where everyone has to love it and be positive all the time. Yes. Not what I'm about, and they're like, well, you know, the homeless around that bed, I'm like, you're bleeding from one of them stabbing you. They're like, well, it's a flash wound. It's like they're in a cult. They refuse to acknowledge any reality that contradicts their point of view. Like, yeah, like me and Joe were

talking about they won't. It's like, no, they'd be like, this place is fucked up. What do you mean? I don't know because they're so invested in this idea of what it is. And I do think that there's merit because a whole Austin thing An outside of Joe's club, which is great and forget that for a minute Just let's talk about the move to places like Austin They are because correctly the governments of New York and LA have lost their fucking minds To the governments of New York and LA have lost their fucking minds They're taxing people in sane amounts of money and then things are getting worse

Prime is worse homelessness is worse. The cities are shitier. They look worse. They smell worse There's trash everywhere. There's fucking lunatics in Portland running around with knives San Francisco's a dope then people are going fuck this shit and you're getting out of those cities and they're right Because the governments of lost their mind. They're not wrong about any of that and they're right because the governments of lost their mind. They're not wrong about any of that. Right. But what they're wrong about is that some of those conditions aren't also happening in the places they're going to.

Austin. Like Austin. Austin is being one of them because those people who left those places went there and have the same. And a lot of them were there. You know, Austin was never like some right wing place. It was always a fucking left wing place, which is a good for a lot of things, but when it comes to life, it used to be a little more key West. Yes, now it's, it's, you know,

key bump. It's a little fucking, I'll tell you this, the club I went to Moon Tower last week. last week. And I mean the the the Muta was great. There's so many comedy clubs there. So many places to do so many. But I went to I stopped into comedy mothership. Yeah. And it's everything they say. It is. He's he did it absolutely 100% the right way. It's almost it's almost you're in there like 100% the right way. It's almost, you're in there like, what the, it's almost like a movie. It was designed by a comic who's been doing comedy in all of these different venues for so long and he knew exactly what to do.

He really did. And Louis helped too, because Louis gave him some pointers, but Joe had a lot of the ideas and, you know, I helped him too. I actually gave a couple pointers that he could. That's awesome. Yeah, the, I don't get into it, but a few of those things in my idea.

Okay. Hey, good. I'm just gonna throw that room around for sure. No, I walked in and I didn't know what to expect. It was everything. First of all, the people out front are awesome. Yes. The security and they're not assholes.

No, they like, hey, hey, gotcha man. Like they saw me kind of new. I was, they all do their job. It's important to have security in a place like that. Six streets wild. Wild. You can't just have people walking in that don't belong there. You can't just have some hips to check with tattoos on a thigh

and orange, red, and pink hair with a trucker hat. No. Running security. You have to have. You have to. You know what I mean? Yeah. They have legitimate security there. They have real people.

But they know comics. I was shot and I didn't mind it. It was shot in the thigh because I failed to disclose myself immediately. I don't mind that. I was choked out. I went on afterwards. Yeah. Bleeding.

They took me and they choked me out and then I woke up and they were like Mr. Kelly. Right. And they had water for me. Yeah, smelling salt and smelling salty right on stage. I was right on stage. Well, I went in the first no They know comics they know us, but like you know if you're an audience member and you get drunk Yeah, you try to get up there good luck good luck because you know audience members do fuck around and get crazy That's a crazy town. It's a crazy town. They're getting shit faced in that town. Yeah, that's very nor a lean I mean people falling in the lake. I think there's a serial killer. They're getting shit faced in that town. Yeah. That's very nor a lean. I mean, people falling in the lake, I think there's a serial killer.

There's eight bodies that have been like discovered in this lake. It's just about to drunk gay guys. It's just a bunch of drunk whoever. You know, I don't know. I heard it was young, good looking men. Well, it's not though. Like if you look at people, they're not super young.

That makes me feel good. Is there not super young? Because one lady was like, Doh are you a fine? To me. Oh, fuck that cunt. Yeah, she was a cut. You know, hopefully, yeah, Rose, earn a fuck. Yeah, like fuck her. Fuck Judy gold. Yeah.

I was. Yeah. Yeah. She's safe. I'm sorry. She's safe on a lot of ends. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not if a serial killer was a kid, it would have to be that right. I want to I want a, a basketball player that has tits. That's my thing that I want to kill. I like that. Right. I want a basketball player that has tits. That's my thing that I want to kill. I like that. That's the only way she'd be in danger of being killed by a serial killer. I like tits on a basketball player. I like droopy jute tits on a basketball player. Yeah. Do you have somebody that annoys you while you kill them? Yeah. Yeah, it was, I walked in and they took me upstairs

and Russell Peters was there and they showed me, I mean, I was fucking in awe. The two TVs, the lights, the clocks, the room that's over here, the bathroom. There's no reason to ever miss your spot, miss your time, but you have everything is designed perfectly for you to know. You could smoke cigars up there.

You do whatever. Do whatever the fuck you want. Which I love. There was all comics up there. It didn't seem like there was any riff raff. No. You know, like they've done a great job of keeping the green room like a sacred area for performers.

Sacred area. And Adam was there, which I was so happy to see him, because it's such a great guy, and it finally came through that the club was open, and then you go underneath everything to get to the stage, was it Russell Pito was like, you go up and I was like, I don't want to. I was a little nervous to go up,

because it was like, yeah, fuck, whatever, and he said, go up, I'm like, no, I'm good. You know that thing, where it's like, yeah, fuck it, I don't wanna, go up, I'm like, no, I'm good. You know that thing, where it's like, yeah, fuck it, I don't wanna. Yeah. And he's like, just go up, please, because the fight was on, and he needed 10 moments in the fight.

Yeah. I fuck it, let's go. And they put me up, and I went through the blue curtain. You go underneath, there's, underneath everybody, like in a tunnel, come up the other side, and you're right there, and there's a little room you can kind of sit in, and then they call your name, you go out, and it was beautiful. It's the best. But I'm

opening a comedy club on that same street that'll be better. What's it got to be called? The other ship. The other ship? No, but I am opening a comedy club and I think it'll be better than his. Yeah, why will it be better? Well, because we're gonna like he has Navy SEAL, because we're gonna, like, he has Navy SEALs, we're gonna have the LAPD just firing wildly. At the audience, just guns out like straight up riots. We're gonna encourage fights and riots. Oh, good. I love that. We're just trying to go viral.

We want viral crowd work clips, so no material allowed. It's called no material allowed. You come in the club. Yeah. And you just point at some of the audience. You go fuck you until they fight you. Right. That's good. I think you should have like, you know, transsexuals. Or it's our securities. All transsexuals that are incredibly violent. Right. Violent, transsexuals. It's female. It's male to female UFC fighters. Male to female. Oh, that's good. So there'll see me some weird tattoos on that one. Yeah.

So stay tuned for that one. That's great. And the name is called the other ship. It's called the other ship. Other ship. Other ship. Other ship. 16.

Six. Six. We're not trying to make money. We're trying to do art. It's all online. Yeah, it's just all by art. It's transgender people beating up comedians that make fun of them.

It's paid for by George Soros. Can I put it, how much can I go there? Yeah, you're a first act. And after every junk, you look at all the transgender people and you're like, is that okay? And then they'll go, proceed. Proceed. You have to be very careful.

Very careful. I'll be there on July 16th and 17th at the other ship. At the other ship. We do not pay. I'm actually at the, I got a gig there. At the, when are you going? What time, I think I'm gonna go, right? When you're there?

Well, I call you, I think you're in town. I'd love to hang out with you. Because you know, I love hanging out with you. Because we have a great time. We like the same shit. The 12th and the 13th. Yes, I'm gonna be there with you. May 12th and 13th.

Great. I'm gonna come. Yeah, did I really was, I was happy that, because, you know, if this thing wasn't what it was, I'm happy that it was, I'm happy that it, you know, it is what people say it was. He does stuff. Because people like, look, you can't,

the people that are there are gonna say what they, what are they gonna say? Right. What are they gonna say? Of course. You know what I mean? It's the best, okay. But then when I went there and it was,

it was like, oh shit. He called shit early man, he called UFC, called podcasting like he knows what's gonna be big, he kinda knows, and I think he's right about Austin, it's gonna be a major comedy scene. He know what's up with Joe. He just knows, is he a human? I know it's a good point, it's a good question.

He could be AI. I mean dude, he's beyond, like, he got, he knows. He knows a lot. But you know, he did it on the top green show. You can see the way his mind was working. He just doesn't have fear. That's the thing about him. He does a lot here.

He was on Fear factor. That's right. And he could beat everyone up. I don't know, but part of it is like, he doesn't have the fear that other people do. Like, he was like sitting on the top green truck and going, oh yeah, TV is gonna go away. And this is gonna be the new thing

because why, this is people are there, oh yeah, TV is gonna go away. And this is gonna be the new thing because why, this is people are there, the raw, funny stuff. You can make it for like, not a lot of money. Why wouldn't this be big? Everyone else was so afraid, they'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, why would you say that? Why, no, no, no, no, no, this is the, these are the rules, this is what you do.

And he doesn't operate like that. So he doesn't have the internal sensors other people have to go. Shut up. Dude, do full of line. What, what, now what did you, though, like, because you, you did the same thing, dude. Not, no, I did it after everyone had done it and it was successful. I didn't take any big risk. Yeah, dude, you're dressing like Trump's son and walking around. Yeah, no, I did crazy shit, but like, I, I, he saw it like before,

there was anything. Yeah. I saw all those guys doing it. I subbert and Tom and Theo and him and I'm like, oh, Tom and Christina, I'm like, oh, they all have these cool things. Can I be, Tom and Christina, on my favorite? They're amazing. I really fucking like both of them a lot.

They're great people. Really cool people. They're amazing. And I've tried to become friends great people. Really cool people. They're amazing. And I've tried to become friends with Tom. It's impossible. It's impossible. He will not, yeah, but that's what I'm talking about. That's the good about him.

But he won't open up and give me his number. I think the good about him. So you're, yes, the good about him is that it's very, very difficult. We only DM each other. And that's nice. I don't, I want more. I know, but you know what?

Sometimes more is a chore. I like the rhyme. I like that you're rhymed because that makes it, I can remember it. Well later, later, when I'm DMing him, I want more. I'll be like, more is a chore. There's people like DM and I go,

we should move this to tax, but then at the end of the day, I'm like, what's the difference? Right. There's no difference. Right, yeah. I'm like, it's all good. So you're, you're still in LA though. I'm still in LA. You have a few houses. I have a few. You have one in you have one in LA. You have

one in Austin. You have one in Long Island. You have one in Key West. You have one in Russia. I'm then you have your I just I just bought in the Ukraine because this is the time. I've been telling people all the time I'm a big like let's invest in real estate in the Ukraine. Yeah. There are problems. I'm not gonna lie. Right. There are issues with the Ukrainian market right now. Here's the good news.

Right. The sellers are willing to make deals. Yeah. Because they're not there. They're not there. Right. And many of them have passed. So they're willing to make deals.

And you can just kind of come in and grab that you can grab that 75 bedroom unit. Yes with with no windows. I want you to come out to Long Island I keep I keep asking you and I think this summer you will do it I know you're mad about it and I think you're right listen long term. You're right. I want to tell you this you're right Thank you. We had this fight. Yeah, we had a fight about it. Yeah, because you fucking I know You're I'm telling you you're writing. Okay. All right. I'm still mad at you because I enjoy your company You're I you could have you could have moved up to Bedford you're right. Martha Stewart Dennis Larry. I Ryan Reynolds I they're old. Oh, oh

Could have been would have been you fucking best friend. You're right, it is far as fuck. And if it was closer to the city, I would, that would have been much cooler. So maybe long term down the road, I switch it up because it is far. Like Louis invited me years ago when he first got, she'll be right out there. Way out there.

Hey, you and Don come out. Yeah. And I was like, no. Right. And it kind of, you know, I'm seriously, I said, no, he's like, well, bring the baby. And I was like, no. Right. And it kind of, seriously, I said, no. He's like, well, bring the baby. You can stay on the yacht. That you can have the yacht. And I was like, I'm not putting my wife through that.

Many hours in traffic and back. It's a nightmare. No, what I should have done. And then guess what happened after that? What? He made a movie with Joe List. Who did go up and we should have. In Christine then guess what happened after that? What? He made a movie with Joe List who did go up and we should be sure to sting.

Wow. Interesting is right. Wow. Him and Sarah went out that weekend. Next time go. Oh, I would have. I would have had a movie. Go.

Yeah. But I agree with you now. And this is the lesson I've learned it is just far. And now nobody's coming out. Well, people do come. Yeah, lunatics who fuck up. Aaron Berg who rented a helicopter because he's a medication.

But you're right, but the thing is what those Westchester places, and I don't want to get into this fight again. You only think that lacking is the ocean, but I can get over that. There's no ocean Westchester, right? There is an ocean. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's There is an ocean. Oh, is it?

Yeah, it's right over there, Connecticut. Right to it. Is it true? Right over there. But is it like the, it's the long island sound on the other side. The Bobby, that's not. I want waves.

You want waves? No, you don't. No, you don't. Get a pool. I want salt water. Get a what? Wave pool with salt water. Salt water.

Dude, get a, get a salt water built in pool, I'll come make waves. Because here's the deal, you get the brain eating amoebas in the lakes without the salt water. I like the salt water. What? The brain eating amoeba. What the fuck?

It goes in your nose and eats your brain. It's called Neglieria Fawzi. Easy. I thought you got to be very good with it. Easy. It's called Neglieria Fowlery. Meeeee. Yeah. Look up. That's the name of it. It's a brand new. It's called Negle. It's called Negle. Negle. Negle. Negle. Yeah, look up.

That's the name of it. It's a Broadway pronounce it. I can't with my accent, I'll get canceled. It's Neg. Well, hang on, let me take a breath. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Ah. Whoo. Hang on, hang on, I got this. I got, I got I got Make it bigger make it bigger make it bigger make it bigger do this is gonna be one of those clips at like one of these people on Twitter

Find the planet just me and him going Necleria foul around yeah, it's tough. Oh, it's tough, but it is will eat your brain Listen, I've been swimming in lakes my whole life. I know it doesn't eat a brain. Yeah. Ha sucks. I hate it. You know what they say about an and talk it. There was a man. What a dick and you can suck it. Dude, Colin Quinn loves like,

what is that island? Fire Island. Yes, nice. It's fuck it. Yeah, you love it. Never been. I don't get fire island. Do you want to stand that?

I don't understand it. I don you know stand that I don't understand it I don't know where it could be it's gay people and then people that aren't gay that are there for some reason you mean an island It's an island right like a Manhattan is it any island? It's like any but you're right. I shoot I should have been up where it was like because you leave You go west on highway saw Mill Parkway. Yep. You're home in 45 minutes an hour. Yeah, not even, yeah. At this time of night, well, I park my cat out here, but like when I do the bonfire, I'm at the bonfire. I'll leave my house at 3.30. I will get to the bonfire at half hour to where I park.

That's crazy. 50th and eighth. No traffic, I'll be there in half hour. And I'm out. And then I drop off. I don't understand geography that much. Are you on the Connecticut? Are you heading towards Connecticut?

You, so what happens is you're heading up and it goes like this. Right, right? And Connecticut's that way. And then, you know, New York goes up and over that way. So I'm straight up. And Connecticut is. Renate and Stanford in that area.

It's a hat, that's 20 minutes away from me. Like, and do that. I can do Stanford. Excuse me. And then Yannis and Paul are up further there. And yeah, now these guys went too far. Well, it's pretty up there. They went too far. They went to reach for almost like their town. They they go to is reach feel Connecticut. Gotcha. Mind you. One of the loveliest towns. It's very nice. It's so nice and diverse. Diverse. And diverse. Diverse. Diverse. Diverse.

All kinds of different people. Yeah, you don't get in a glaria up there. No, but none of that. Uh, but it's too far. It's way too far. It's a little too far for me and they have to lie to everybody. How far is it? It's only a half hour.

They lie. They lie to everybody. They lie constantly about everything. About it. But Bedford, uh, Poundirt, pound ridge, bad firt. I like the deal on my house. The tone is really expensive houses. Listen dude, up there though.

I got a deal out on long Island. I got a deal deal. It's not that what's the deal. It was a deal. Tell me the deal. I'm not gonna tell you how much it was, but it was a deal. It was 2.5.

2.5 million. Yeah. That's a deal. And in the hampt. That's a deal. And in the hamptons, it's a deal. A house in the house that you could get up in Pound Ridge for a million, a million five, it would blow that house away. You've never even seen my house.

I could show you. I could show you. I guarantee you, the house I could get for you up in Westchester will blow that house away for half the money. I'm going to show you. I don't get it on camera though. I want people to see a house. No, no, no, but there's because you like because your house in LA is awesome.

Yes, I love your house. And you know, we did, we changed it to what? To look what we did. We sanded the floors and look at that. Oh my god, that's beautiful. Wow. The people listening right now. Not we like these people. You change that. You change that pronoun ha hecho. ¿Qué haces?

¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces?

¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces?

¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¿Qué haces? ¡I want to be seen! Pluto TV es el servicio de streaming gratuito con más de 120 canales dedicados a películas, series, gremene, realities y contenido infantil. Pluto TV, ven a verlo sin pagar nunca. Listen, this is the way it is and everybody's happy and everybody loves them, so... But the reality of the situation is...

Let me say this house. I gotta find the fun. There's no way, I mean, the LA house is nice. The Austin house is awesome. I like it. I love the Austin House. I like the guest house in Austin. Yeah. It's a great house. Yeah. I mean, you are so welcome to stay there when you want to do. I don't know if they're putting you up or whatever. They're putting me up, I think. They put me up. If they put me up at that wholesale, the Thompson. That's great. That's a beautiful hotel. One of my favorites. The diner in there is

amazing by the way too. The food in Austin, I really should on it early on. So look at this stuff. This is very like green and stuff because I think you think it's like not green. It's very wet. Yeah, but it's fake green. Those are those are those that was put in there. But what do you talk about? Look at this. A little of the ox is this canopy of ox. That's nice. The canopy of ox. I say it again. I'm a throw it. It's a canopy of ox. I like it now.

It's a full canopy of ox. I love it now. Now I love it. I mean, this is not a hobby. You could make a t-shirt of that canopy of ox. Let me see the house though. That's the backyard. I mean, that's crazy. It's nice.

But million five million. But you're right. I'm telling you you're absolutely right. It's a far. It's a far But million five million, but you're right, I'm telling you, you're absolutely right. It's so far. I'm just feeling it. When the fucking market sucks right now, what do you want me to do? Everything sucks.

I want you to sell it and move up where I am. Everyone's dying. Yeah. The recession is here. Okay, what is, okay, can I say something because you're smarter than this stuff for me. I can't look at news. I can't watch anything anymore because I'm panicking. Because I'm finally than this stuff with me. I can't look at news. I can't watch anything anymore because I'm panicking

because I'm finally enjoying life. Yeah. I love my family. No, you're gonna be fine. I love everything. We're gonna war with China. Oh, God. We're going to war with China.

I don't want to fight China. I like Chinese food. I know you. I like Kung Fu. And you have to vote for Trump. I why? Because Biden and them are gonna go to war with China. But what about the scientists? They're gonna war China too. What I think we're fuck on both

The Santa's will definitely gonna war oh, they're all going to war with China. All right. What are we gonna do? I don't want to go to war with China. I like Chinese people. I agree with you I like them to they're very focused. Yeah, they're focused and nice the girls are hot I mean the which one is great. Yeah, which ones are the girls? It's a joke, folks. I can't do it anymore. I can't do it. I don't know.

No. The ones with the short hair. We're gonna get, I don't know. I don't know. You're gonna get no. It's gonna be fine. Everyone's okay. Well, you just said we're gonna get no.

Because you're gonna pay Taiwan. Okay, they're gonna do that. And then why do we have to fucking, we don't and we shouldn't. Why do we need to say that, but then why do we have to fucking... We don't, and we shouldn't. Why do we need to say that, but we got a chill. Do we got a chillax? What do we care about Taiwan? What's inside the chips?

They're a lot of the chips. So why can't we make the chips here? It's hard. Why? Because we're just too fat. So it's all about the chips. Americans can't do, there's a documentary on Netflix about like the Chinese company,

hiring like Americans in America. And it's hard because the Americans, to Chinese people, they just work all day. They're like working, working. And then the Americans come in and they're just taking breaks, they're doing math, they're eating fucking hot dogs. And I love our country and we've got great people. But many of them are disgusting and competent pigs.

What happened? Like I would be, why didn't you do this? I couldn't work in it. I'm not making chips. Bubbie, we're eating chips. We're the types of people they'd hire. Do you know how bad we'd be at this? Yeah, dude.

We'd find a way to fall asleep somewhere in a closet. Oh, we'd be so bad. Yeah, when I worked at Grocer's Bargit Outlet, I used to sleep in the insulation and the rugs. You know? Yeah, I mean, dude, I was shitting every job I ever fucking had. So we, where do we lose it? What do we do to get it back? How does America become great again besides Trump? Well, I think that like we

need to, you know, just get people like, we need a new scam. Like the mortgage thing was a good scam, but that's up. And then we had those low interest rates for a while. Maybe green energy could be like a scam. Like we need a new hustle and a new scam. Okay. You know the country's doing good things with like guys from Long Island are in suits in fake offices, push and bullshit. That's the only way we'll ever go.

Boy, other room. Yeah. We got a G&O or a BBC fucking. You know what I mean? Yes, I do. I want that again. We need like people making money, feeling good. We got to stop with the, you know what I mean? Yes, I do I want that again. We need like people making money feeling good We got to stop with the you know craziness and you know, but here's the thing

I am scared everything needs its place like the drag queens have their place But it can't be everywhere you can't be watching the master they can't be reading stories to kids Well, it's just too much. It's a good enough for who care who wants to read to kids I mean what are we doing? The the drag queens can't be calling the masters like he got you got to have people just did they do that? No, but they will I'm just trying to make it that pot was crazy. I thought it was gonna go in yeah Just throwing glitter tiger. I'll fuck it get up here. Right. So that's what I mean It's like everybody's gonna do the wrong thing

We got to stop cutting the kids dick so off and just we we gotta get back in the office and make some goddamn fucking money. It's money, we need a little bit of money. We need money. We need a little bit of money. People need to go to work and stop fucking fixing that how much they need. Okay, here's the thing, here's another thing that I want you to sum up for me.

They say that the China and Russia are fucking with the dollar and pretty much the dollar's gonna be worth shit. The dollar. We're gonna be like Canadians. The dollar. We're going to be like Canadians. The dollar is going to be, but here's the thing with China. They're so interdependent. We are really interdependent on them, but they're interdependent on us.

Like your economy relies a lot on us and our consumption. And we're buying shit. So the reality is I, I mean, they are going to fuck with us a little bit. I don't think they liked that the dollars are reserved currency. They clearly don't like that. And a lot of countries are probably, you know, you know, listen, here's the problem. When Russia invades Ukraine, and it's a regional conflict, and we decide that we are going to engage in a proxy

war with Russia over the Ukraine, which America has very little if maybe no strategic interest in. And by the way, I feel bad that the Ukrainians died and Russian V Russian invaded it is what it is, but it's not our national security interest really in the Ukraine, it's just not, it's not Mexico. It's not on our border, right? So we, and NATO start arming and funding and doing all this stuff, and there's NATO equipment,

are we the only ones? We're the biggest ones. So we're pushing, we're pushing, China, Russia is isolated and Russia goes, well, let's call China. And now China and Russia are getting cozy. Oh boy. And we're creating this Eastern fucking power structure.

That's gonna be a huge fucking thing. Russia was done. What we should have said to the Ukraine is like, this sucks, but like the reality is you're gonna need to give them the regions they want because they're gonna get them anyway. Yeah. You're gonna win. Yeah. Russia's talking to the loose.

It looked bad in the beginning, but it always looks bad. Go to every Russian war, they lose the first year. Guess what? They don't stop. It's not a country of stopping. They're not going to lose. Ukraine's going to get the same thing they could have gotten two years ago without any of the fucking people dead probably. And we would not have pushed China and Russia together. And there's a lot of people in the comments that will

be like, do you know, he doesn't understand what he's talking about? What I do. So we going, are we going to war? I hope not. And is the dollar going to be going to war i hope not and is the dollar gonna survive long-term dollar no should i buy gold dollars backed by the gun there's never been an empire at our stage of the client that has the military power that we still do we have an insane amount of military power naval fleets the our war games of the pacific we really can light mother fuckers up that we have pregnant helicopter drivers our naval fleets, our war games, the Pacific, we really can light Motherfucker's up. That's what we do.

We have pregnant helicopter drivers. I mean, pilots. Well, we also have a lot of drones, we have a lot of bombs, we have a lot of missiles, we have a lot of money, we have, we've invested so much in that. Our school's sock, the kids are on fentanyl, and they're just, they're walking around, drugged up, and they're on full drag.

But the point is, you made me feel good, and they made me feel bad. Bump's safe! I go up, and I'm like, we got it, we got it, because we put the money into the missiles and not into the society. So one thing, we still have military supremacy. That's going to help us because you still don't really

want to fuck with America. Now there will be a time when people will or China certainly will. But I think right now, we need to ease off. We need to give China a little bit of what they want. And we need to carve up the globe. How much shit do we need to give them? That we're not the only show in town anymore. We're not the sole superpower. We can't dominate the entire world and if we try to we're gonna have to fight a war to do it. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, China has Russia, Russia has China. Yeah. Who do we got? Do you K France? What are they still good? UK is okay. Are they good? I mean, there used to be the month. No, we are the show.

So there's no more. Russia also is not a hugely powerful military. China's the problem. China's a problem. China's a fucking problem. Are they a problem? God son is Chinese. You have a Chinese God son?

He is Chinese. He's 25% Chinese and a lot of Filipino, but we don't really talk about the Filipino We would just Chinese more impressive to be honest. No offense. Does he speak Chinese? Not yet. He's two. Okay. He's two. So he does baby talk that sounds Chinese. I can't be like yang yang I'm like fuck. I mean, Shane Gillis got cancel for that. Well, I might be canceled too got canceled for that. Well, I might be canceled too. All right. So we are, we, we, we're okay because of the military. We are going to get, but we, we suck as a people. Well, the dollar will go away, but it's going to be all right. It'll be all right for the next few

years. I think long term, you know, because you have all this real estate, we're doing these podcasts. I only have it because I don't trust banks, so that's where you put your money. I'd rather have real things than banks, something to touch. But if we go to war, the dollar collapses, and the market, you have nothing.

No one then who has things? If we go to war with China, no one has anything. It's all life on earth will be extinguished. If we go to war with China, no one has anything. It's all life on earth will be extinguished. If we go to war with China, and it's a real war, not like a fun little, whatever, cyber war, whatever which we would suck to because they can shut that energy grids and whatever, but if we go to war with China, dude,

the last thing we should be, what cash will mean nothing? Because it's like, what do you do? If we're dead, we're dead. And what do you do? I'm gonna go to my tiny house. They're gonna bomb it and hunt squirrels., what do you okay enjoy that I'd rather die Why I'm kidding will invite me on squirrels you come up

We're not gonna be able to kill squirrels why not I have a pelican will kill squirrels will be squirrels every day That's not that's the thing people sounds lovely people don't understand you don't just kill a deer because that's not the thing people are lovely. People don't understand. You don't just kill a deer, because that's too much meat. You kill some small game. I'm hoping that we have heard this. I think America's policies have been very bad recently. I think to see Crank Things a major blunder and I think pushing China and Russia together is a major fuck up.

I think the people that are running the country right now are fucking morons. I think they're drunk on military industrial complex money, and this is a bad idea, and we're treating countries like Russia in a way that you shouldn't because they are now. You know, Russia, we were like, oh, we're going to tank their economy. Another economy is starting to get fucked up a little bit now, but like, Russia just goes, okay, they're selling gas to India, China's doing business with Saudi Arabia. Like they're just that whole side of the world's gonna

fucking just, I ran, doing business, Russia's doing business, what I ran, Russia's doing business with India. When I have to only show it to town anymore, we can't tell these countries don't do business. Russia, these countries go, oh, they're selling us fucking fuel for last money, fuck you.

You know, what do we do with fuel? What? The fuck are we doing? Why don't we, what? I mean, don't we have our own fuel here? They're machine, I don't know. Yeah, we have our own fuel here, but you know, like, you know, Russia's the biggest natural gas, or was one of the biggest natural gas providers to Europe, and then Europe stopped buying all of that

because it was like the Ukraine, and we were like boom, boom, boom. And then Russia was like, okay, and then started selling stuff to India and to other places because they just got new client states. And again, so all of these new relationships have been created like in our infinite wisdom of going to cut them off, sanctions, starve them out. And Russia goes, okay, and the goes to all these new people. I just think the people running the country right now are pushing us very close to the community.

So it's basically the same thing that happened in Lewis Gomez with all the comedy clubs in New York Yes, and he went and found other places. That's exactly what it is. It is they are creating Skankfest Russia and China are going to show up to a mall in Vegas in a dominatrix outfit with fucking face jewelry. Hold it carrying a Puerto Rican down free. Moshin. carrying a Puerto Rican down free. Moshin. And they're going to have a parade. And they're going to watch me.

Lewis and you and Nick Mullin do a podcast in a close down mall. I mean, shit. Let me ask you another question. Are you going to be living in, are you just living wherever now? I live wherever now because I'm on the road, so it's like, depends where. Who are you on the road with? Who do you take?

I took Marcelo and then he got on SNL. Oh, that's it. He was great. He came in the last tour. I'd Sam Talon before him. Sam Talon. I heard about him. I've never met him. He's the best.

I heard he's hilarious. And now I just take a few different people. Take this kid Max Mantekoff who's funny. He's from New York. And you're killing it man. You're doing these big things. Well, thank you. Yeah, I mean, it's good. We've had a lot of fun doing it and having people come out and, you know, we try to, you know, you know, we bring a good show. I bring it, you know, I love stand up and I do stand up a lot.

Yeah. A lot of the ideas that I talk about, I try to bring them on stage and make them funny. Yeah, I got booed tonight at Gotham because I was doing bits about the Ukraine people didn't like. But tell me, you know what I was just talking about, what I was basically talking about, what I'm talking about in a funny way. Right, and people started to boo because,

and I said if you like it that much, go fight the war while you watch in comedy. True, you believe in the war that much, go over there and flight of Poland and Fucking go over the border and fight instead of sitting in a comedy club. And what did she say? It was a bunch of people I couldn't see them. They're all the way in the back Show me that she I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Well, I don't know who it was No, it's dudes and people they were just mad. I get it. They were angry. I understand people getting angry at stuff That's okay. Well, yeah, I mean listen

That's okay people are allowed to be angry, but the booing and shit like that. They booed. They booed on a boo boo, or like a boo, boo, boo, boo. Really? Wow, it's weird. Because people are sold to billet goods, and they eat it in this fucking country,

and they like it and sold crap. And when someone says you've been sold a bunch of crap, vice was doing documentaries about the Ukraine because they had more neo-nazis in that country than any other fucking country. And all those vice documentaries got pulled. Where are they? I don't know.

You can't find them. It's hard to. But you can still find some of them. So the country, I heard the same thing that there's a bunch of neo-nazis. But we've forgot about that. That's forgotten about. We're pretending that that didn't happen. We're pinning metals on people that are genuine Nazis. And, you know, Hollywood celebrities like this is great. And we think this is what will fuck happen to actors? Their brains have

they all out of their fucking heads. No, because we told them, listen, but they used to be patriotic. They used like Ronald Reagan and John Wayne. You're right. And even Kurt Russell was a left Democrat. They were patriotic. They love the country. They had smarts about them. It seems like they only, they're doing what they are told to do and toast some line and they don't

even know what, there's no common sense in what the fuck they're doing. Social media. Is it really? It broke people's brains. I think that's what it is. I think actors now are, they have to just try to be people. And it's like, no, no, no, we don't want this. Like the guy who's DeSantis was going up against

for governor wound up being, didn't he want to be in a drug addict and doing some weird shit? Charlie Christ. Yeah, the black guy. Oh, yeah, probably. Oh, was he a black guy? I thought Charlie Christ, not a black guy. No, not the last time I think the first time.

Oh, okay. I don't, I don't remember, perhaps. I don't know if he's an actor, but. But I mean, it's just, I'm saying that the people that they first time. I don't I don't remember. Perhaps I don't know if he's an actor, but but I mean, it's just I'm saying that the people that they vote for, the people that they put up these status. They don't care.

They don't care. They don't care. The they don't know what's going they don't. I've spent a lot of time with them. Not a lot of time with them in LA, but I've spent enough time to go like, I'm not in the cool kids club, but I know some of them. Some of them are

nice people. They don't know what's going on. They don't know what's going on. They don't understand. If you were hot and rich and forever, would you understand? I would just go, what do I have to say so I can go into the pool now? They go, the Ukraine is the greatest country in the world

and we need to do everything as you could at freedom. You, you know what, well, let me type, we'll type it before you. Give a hear it is, press that. Can you type it in? And then they go into the pool and then they come out and they go, and now here's the 15 Star Wars shots you need. And go see your stylist and go see your publicist

and put out a statement that you didn't mean to grab that way, Triss. And then here's a script and then say all those lines and then the realtor will take you with and you can buy that house in Aspen. But here's the thing too, they get so mad, they get angry, they get really angry of something they don't even really know. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You know what they're talking about? They're all talking about right now the trans kids need fucking healthcare. Do you know what that means? It means 70-year-olds are cutting their dicks out off and taking their tits and getting puberty blocking hormones.

I'm a fully out gay guy and have been for 12 years, 13 years. It is fucking insane. That's still, I know, it's still under investigation. It's under investigation. But it's still, it's insane to me. We think that you use that to become famous. Well, it worked. It worked.

And I think many of you should, but the reality is now it's trans. You can't even use gay. But the reality is these are celebrities. Some yeah, does suck that if you wanted to use that, you can't now you have to actually become a woman. You have to be a woman. You could just be you say I'm gay. Yeah, but it's crazy because you talk to these celebrities and you're like trans kids and you tell me

Have you ever spoken to a seven-year-old? They don't know they don't know what they are. Yeah, what are we doing? We're letting them make Medical decisions. This is the crazy shit. I have ever heard of and everyone in Hollywood is just like And trans health care and-health care for cats. And you're like, oh my God, so you're dealing with people whose brains have melted. Your brains have melted. Yeah, it's something happened.

Something happened. Yeah, it's crazy. I guess it is social media. I don't fucking know Tim. I can't even go on social media anymore because I'm such a flip flopper. I'm one of those people. I'll read something.

And I've passed it on as factual information. We've all done that by the way. And then somebody will go, dude, read this. And then I'm on the other side. We've all done it by mistake. You know what I do now? You know what I do now? Yeah.

I know that Carvelles, Low-Fat, Chocolate Swirl Ice Cream is one of my favorites. Carvelles is one of the greatest places I've been in my life. And it's underrated. There was one time in my life I walked into Carvelle and I walked out with a, I had a Sunday, it was by one get one day. Oh, God. And I walked out and I had, I'm sorry, I had a shake and a cone.

And I walked out and my grandmother was in a car waiting for me and I walked out and I had a shake and a con. And I walked out and my grandmother was in a car waiting for me and I just shaking, I was taking the cone, I was putting in the shake. And I got in the car and my grandmother went, you have a problem. That's a fat, that's some fatso shit right there. Fat moment, it was a fat moment, it was not good. I mean, that's nuts, it was not good.

It's a similar fat moment when you're eating alone and you bump into somebody, you know, and you go, fuck, it's my fucking, my friend canceled. That sucks. That's why I got two pizza. I have three appetizers here because I was, I had a bunch of friends coming, but you know, they don't wanna be here.

What's the most you've ever eaten? It's a good question, I don't know. I mean, so I know of stuff. I could describe the meal. Yeah, I could describe it. I mean, so I know I could describe the meal. Yeah, I could describe it. Go ahead, describe it. I guess it might have been like a Smitha Wollinsky steakhouse where it was me and another person

and we had like a selfish tower for four, rib eyes, big potatoes, macaroni and cheese, hash browns, chocolate peanut butter pie, like peach mel milk, but like everything on the menu and just left feeling just grotesque. I ate one and a half pizzas by myself one night. Wow. One and a half by myself. Wow.

And I have done one. I've never done the half. And half is a special thing. And I've eaten half. The half is crazy. It's crazy. One and a half. And I had ice cream too that night. I know. It's bad. One and a half. And I had ice cream too that night.

I know, it's bad. Eating is very, very bad. And it's hard. What's the most ice cream you've ever eaten? Oh, good question. I can eat a lot of ice cream. Well, I can eat a lot of ice cream too. I think, because you don't know,

you know, once I have like half of one of the big boys. I've a I've a I've a I've eaten the whole big boy. Yeah, because the big boy is a problem. Big spoon. Yeah, extra spoon. Yeah, sat there ice cream just doesn't it doesn't exist. Doesn't exist. It's just go. It's all of a sudden. It's just it goes away. You don't feel it. I wish you could get a shot. I think you can now. I think it's called a Zempek. I wish you could get a shot where you just you go. I'm not. I don't care. Like I have friends that look at food that I just don't care about it. Yeah. I had a slider today and a place called LeConda Verde, a lamb slider.

Oh, tomato sauce, a little leaf of mint and a ricotta cheese, robots, whatever. And I just ate it and I was a trebec and I ate it. And I went, I mean, this, there's people that eat it and it and I was a trebecke and I ate it and I went, I mean, there's people that eat it and go, and I was one of my friends at the table and I was like, she's so good, he goes, yeah, it's good. I'm like, I wanna be yet's good guy, because that's good. I'm like, no, not yet's good.

It's, should we order two or three more plates of these? Should we like ask them if they have more than we can take home? Like, but that's why I got my stomach most of it taken out. Yes, because I was like you. Well, right now I have a plan to drastically reduce calorie intake, but here's what I'm gonna do it. Well, it can be done. It can be done.

Okay, yeah, for a minute. But here's what I'm gonna do it. Well, it can be done. Can be done. Okay, yeah. Four minutes. But here's why I'm gonna do it. Yeah, I'm going to the Ukraine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Look, you listen, you can do it. I don't wanna do the gastric only because I wanna try it on my own first.

I did it. I did the same thing. You told me not to do it. I did it. I did the same thing. I told you not to do it, it's leave. You said don't do it. You said just try it on your own first. You literally told me that. I, because I, I did the same thing. I told you not to do it this leave. You said don't do it, you said just try it on your own first.

You literally told me that. Because I did this too. I tried to do it on my own first. I believe you should always try to do it on your own. See if you got it in you. And if you don't, and you wind up losing weight and gaining it back like I did, so I gained again, 10 more pounds back.

Right, that's what I was doing. Right, yo, yo. I was going, yeah, it was yo- pounds back. That's what I was doing. Right, yo, yo. I was going, yeah, it was yo, yo, yo. And it always went up. Yo, yo, ho, ho. Yo, ho, I love ho, ho, ho. What do you like, do you like a ho, ho or ring ding? I like a ho, ho on, yo, yo.

I love a ho, ho, man. I love a ho, yo, yo, yo. People listening to this crashing their car. F, going, what is happening? Why, we're gonna be overchat. It's all gonna be over. We're getting new. Yeah, it's tough. Go back on his We're going to be over. Yeah, go back on his Patreon. We're getting new. How do you need the money for? Yeah, please go on my Patreon. But I say if you can't do it, it's the best thing ever did. And I know

five people have gotten it since I got. I think you dealt. I think they all got it. I think it's all a big lie. I think they all got it. 100% she got it. She got it. 100% she got it. It has to be this. Of course. Now, what I don't like is they're actually having young kids do it, which is stupid.

Well, what if a young kid's like, listen, they go to the doctor and they're like, listen, I want my dick out and I need to sleep. What do you want for your birthday? I told you what I want for dick out and I need a sleeve. Ha ha ha. What do you want for your birthday? I told you what I want for my birthday. I want a smallest stomach and I want my dick and balls gone. I want my pussy and a sleeve. I want a pussy wallet and I want a sleeve. Cut my stomach out and give me a pus. Cut my stomach out and make a pussy, pussy lips with my stomach.

If you have all that stomach, you can make me a fat pussy. I want a big hamburger pussy grandpa. Can I have a fat pussy with my leftover stomach? Lizzie, we got questions for you. I got to wrap it up here with you, dude. I love you so much for coming in. Of course, go to Tim Dillon, comedy.com. Thank you.

One of my favorite people on Earth, one of those, like my, comedians, he is just an original. Nobody like him. Instagram.com. Tim Dillon. Tim J Dillon. Tim J Dillon and Tim J Dillon on Twitter. He is a social media awesome too,

especially on Twitter. So check this out. We have questions for you. Okay. I don't have my glasses. So I'm going to have what's his name, freedom. And some of them are good. And some of them aren't. Okay. So the first one is from Jay and he says to show you this video and just ask for the right... It's the comment on it. Okay, here we go. Can make it big. Make it the biggest.

I know this kid. Sebastian, okay. Can't hear it. Turn it up. Yeah, he's like... I saw him on D-ditions. He's like audition for a time. It's your boy, really D.

Coming at you from the Forgotten Barrow, da, da, da, where we at Staten Island, and this is my submission tape for Queer Art. Oh, shoot, I can't say that in a word, no more Angelos Yo-S Yo said I can't. So this is my submission for homosexual law. I got a lot of questions for the Fab Five and I need their answers.

Can I keep my boon-knock scenes posted? Is it a frame? I'm gonna be okay. I don't feel like my career is threatened. I think I'll be okay. I mean, is that the question? You know his career is threatened? Yeah.

My producer for making me watch that. Yeah, I don't know what happened. Yeah, yeah. Well, because if he looks like me, if you think your autism's gonna save you from that, you're out of your mind. Yeah, I don't care how much you don't condition your hair. What else you got?

We also have Mr. Dylan. Say you have to do a five year bid and must choose one of these three individuals to be your cellmate for the duration. Lewis J. Gomez, Bobby Kelly or Alex Jones. Well, Alex would get exhausted even though I really like Alex. Lewis would just be talking about how he can increase subscriber revenue in prison. I think it's got to be Bobby. My process of elimination.

And I'd be the greatest blowjob ever. A hundred percent. My lips are amazing. I mean, Lewis has good lips, but not as good as him. We'd use the rest of Bobby's stomach and we'd fuck it. We could make actually 100 percent. We could make prison, prison soup in it. Yeah. Agus. We can make Agus out of my fucking love that. My dirty fat old stomach.

All right, go ahead. All right. So next one is what openers are you, Nick? From who? From Kirk G. You fucking ass. From Kirk G. Tim, what opener are openers opener openers are you Nick Shane big J bringing to I don't know I'll tell next month. I don't know what is this show you a little to to to to to to to great lineup and a lot of fun It's crazy. Yeah big J you mullen Shane Shane. I don't know what openers. Who's headlining that? Shane I think Shane headlines one of them and I headline the other one I think I had line the one of maybe Charleston and he had Lines the one how many seats Pennsylvania. I think we did six thousand Pennsylvania. I think we'd do like maybe four thousand of Charleston. Wow. What a great. Great. That's a great show. That's a great show. It's a great. I'm glad comics are finally fucking having fun. Yes.

Doing shit together. You know me and Big J just went to Nashville. Yeah. It's gonna be fun to hang out with friends and shen. Yeah, it's gonna be like, I like doing shows, but I would love to host by the way. I want to host those shows. Like my favorite position is like, let me go up first, I'm out of the way and then I could just hang out. That's what I truly want to do. But here's the best part about it.

I love doing shows, but being alone, I'm over it. Yeah. Take half the money. It's hard. It gives a shit. Yeah, being alone sucks.'m over it. Yeah. Take half the money. It's hard. It gives a shit. Yeah, being alone sucks. But here's a problem with it.

Your agent's like, fuck, and you make this, and he makes that, and he sells that, and it's like, oh shit. Me and Ari. We are in the same agent. Yeah, the same agent. Are you with Justin? Fat Justin. So I mean, just see, yeah, so it's all the same shit they're all having.

Yeah, I like Fat Justin. He's a good guy. We tried to do a thing together though, and they fuck them like well Ari makes more money than Bobby and Jay starting to do but it's like dude, can we I don't care right? Yeah, Ari I don't know your fuck stop making us not They're demons from hell their agents. They saw I mean their demons from hell. It's just like whatever. Let's just have fun Man. Yeah. Well, that's what they're about about. That's what C.A. is about having fun. I, you know, that's their main concern.

Having fun. Next question. So from a bendover, what are your predictions for the 2024 presidential election, and why are we gonna see a Trump victory? Trump Biden, Trump wins. I mean, if they nom, if they send a man out with the men the way as they are planning to

why are they doing that i'd that it's so bad right now i'm telling you right now it's so bad up there the country's unsung by and i'm sending apolonia out there they don't have a lot of great people it's a fucking nightmare i'd rather vote i'd rather than put Apollonia out there than this was Apollonia. The fucking vice president. Oh Kamala. Yeah. Apollonia.

Yeah, come on. That's the most racist thing I've ever heard of my life. That's so funny. She's hot. Why aren't they sending out a fucking shameka? Who's that? I didn't mean to like that, I mean. Oh, it's the vice-president. Yeah, I mean, I meant that it's horrible too.

Scrap, scrap them both. All right, well, well, Trump wins. If it's Trump versus Biden, I don't see how Biden wins. Trump versus DeSantis. Or Trump versus DeSantis or Biden versus DeSantis. No, Trump versus DeSantis, Trump, versus DeSantis or Biden versus DeSantis? No, Trump versus DeSantis. Trump is 100%.

Just 100, huh? Well, DeSantis has no personality. I love him. It's not fun. Who do you want to watch, Donald Trump? I'd rather watch DeSantis. Well, you're in the minority. I'm done with Trump.

That's fine. There's people that have done with that. I'm talking with my prediction. I think Trump's a con artist. I don't think he's going to anything he said he was gonna do. But I'll tell you this right now, DeSantis doesn't have it. Like Trump has it. Trump is just a political machine, you know,

in a way that DeSantis is not. DeSantis comes off kind of like a cop, like a bully, exploring. I like what he did with Florida. I like it. I'm not saying anything about him personally. You said you actually pretty much said the Santa's the pussy fucker.

No, he's not he's not he's not that he called him a walk. He's losing everything now. All the donors are backing out. No way. They've realized he cannot be a trauma. Fuck. He's not gonna beat Trump.

I don't want Trump again. I want can't we just go back to the way it was? Yeah, I agree with you, but at the end of the day, it's like, I just, I don't think the Sanctus might be great either. I think the great thing, the thing about Trump, that's actually interesting, he might be better at not getting us into wars.

Okay, but fine, but I don't want to hate my friends. I don't want my friends to hate me. The Sanctus would be worse. Not more conservative. You have a band of boys, you know, band game, like it'll be a culture war fight. Trump doesn't really care about that stuff. You think at the sense of a point, a band game marriage. He'll try. I mean, he's a very right wing guy in that sense, whereas I think Trump will probably pay a lot of lip service to that. But I think

what he'll do is focus, hopefully, is what he says is on more like immigration wars, things like that, keeping us out of crazy wars. That's what we need, we need to stand a wars. Yeah, I don't wanna, I don't want that. That's what we need. I don't want my, I don't wanna, a war, I just, I don't want to, and I don't think we should be, I'm enjoying life right now.

Yeah, I don't think we should be. I wanna go, I wanna go to, I wanna go to restaurants with you and have, I don't have to worry about a bomb coming down. Well, I think Trump did a pretty good job with North Korea, I gotta be honest, he did a pretty good job.

Those four years really not, we weren't in a ton of wars. Yeah, you're right. And he told Russia to go fuck themselves. He kind of just, you know, so that's his thing. You know, and again, I don't think I think the best candidate is one we don't have. It's a centrist Republican or a centrist Democrat. That's how I say Telsi Yabber.

Yeah, like a Telsi, but I, and when I say centrist, I don't mean like in the center of all the issues, like most people say, gave Smith. No, sure nuts. I'm I even going. No, I don't think I don't think he'd be a good president. I was next. Um, yeah.

All right, from a scruffy bones, to whom do you believe was or gave you your leg up or big break in comedy? I think Bobby helped and lose Gomez helped. I don't think Berk pressure helped Although he did claim that on my show daddy. I love Berk because Berk put me on the first podcast in LA Joe Rogan obviously was the biggest help ever to me in any capacity. I mean to everybody to everyone that I know I mean, even me. I mean, there's no compare like there's no good like everybody everyone was good to me Bobby's Was great to me Lewis was great to me dance soda was great to me took me on the road like all of those people a great Joe list of Mark Norman were great to me like There's not one person in the New York City comedy scene that was a dick to me. We all loved you everybody loved me

Yeah, we all love and I love everybody like I just feel like we all always We always got along. Or maybe people hated me, but I didn't know. But no, I think that everyone, all of these guys are the people I really like in respect. And like, you know, like, you know, Joe's been really good. But when I'm afraid, like I love the LA guys too, but I don't see it.

Like, it's not, it's not friends in the same way that the New York guys are friends. Right. That's just what it is. You came up with this, but Joe is fantastic. I see it like it's not it's not friends in the same way that the New York eyes are friends, right? That's just what it is you came up with this but Joe is Joe's fantastic. Yeah, who out what's the next question? The next one is from Mike hunt Um, but oh this is a wait a second. Wait a second. What's he's like? There's something going on my hunt? Do you know my hunt? I know you've ever you've ever smelled my Conte. Hey, I don't. I made my hunt with my belly. Go ahead. I said, what's

what's the worst comedy club experience? That's a good question. Uh, governors in the one island years ago, I mean, they're tough out there. It can be tough. And I love the people that run governors. I like governors. I'm just saying that that one of them. I don't need more. You'll be killed. Yeah, but I did ask for they will come. Hey, okay. I will say that that one was just a particularly rough night for me with a rough crowd. And it was just not great. Long Island people when they turn when they turn, it's not pretty. It's not a pretty. It may be like the worst in the country. A hundred percent.

If they turn on you, you have fucking, you should just call it quick. You should almost put the mic in a stand. Yeah, it's tough. Boston has a, I've seen Boston fans turn on people and it's, you can't get them back. Right, it's not Boston's tough too, but I thank God kind of been okay in Boston.

Yeah, I had a tough one. I had a tough one at Bentley's Beastro. Where the fuck is that? And I was somewhere in fucking, Bentley's, look at Bentley's Beastro if you kind of find out where it is. I'm from Boston, I don't even know what the fuck. I don't know where it is.

It was a place that I did this gig, and I headlined it was like a bar. And it was a little rough, but it was a toughy. And Boston? It was in Massachusetts, maybe? What town? No, it's not New Jersey. Google Boston. It was in Massachusetts, maybe what town? No, it's not New Jersey Google Massachusetts. Massachusetts. I think my worst Shit, I think my worst was probably in

Jesus Christ. I don't know if I ever bombed where so long metal Massachusetts. I don't even know where the fuck that is Where so long metal messages. I don't even know where the fuck that is there I don't know one yeah, but long Island can't be tough. I've had I've had shows out there once I go shit It can be hard. He is pulling to stick up the whole time. What's the next question? It'd be very difficult the Nexus from a Jaffrey Blake. What's your thoughts on the Kennedy presidential run? He won't win, he won't get far. I think he's got, he's saying very interesting things. Is that the guy who speaks weird? Yeah, he has a disease.

I think he's saying very interesting things. I think when you have Justin Trudeau now going, we never forced anyone to give vaccinated, you're like, oh, you motherfuckers, you know, you fucked up big time. And I'm kind of fucked up about it. Can I be honest with you? I'm fucked up about it. Can I be honest with you? I'm fucked up about I got I got two shots me too. I don't I don't think I got the boot

Maybe I got I never got a booster. I don't know what the fuck it is But I know people that are just dropping dead. Yeah, who's dropping dead? I had a friend of mine Just die of a heart attack today how old 50 something that's not great And it's like I don't understand what the you know, I get nervous. No, this is all the stomach I worked out I lost the weight bad listen. It's not good. What do you mean by that? Meaning that I think that more more is gonna come out about how this was really not good There's a chance that people are dropping dead from this five? This fact, this vaccine is making men have heart attacks. It may be, I know that it's certainly hurt a lot of young men with myocarditis.

That's a fact. As far as other things, yeah, it's absolutely true. Because a lot of guys are just grabbing their chest and saying goodbye. Well, that's always happening in America though. Yeah, I know, but it seems like it's happening now more. Yes, it very well could be, and it's very well could be a part of like, you know, great.

If I withdraw this work and I fucking grab my chest because these clock suckers, eventually, I know. I know. I hope that is not. Will you do a go-front me for me? Of course.

All right, good. But talk to Rogan, have him do a little bit too. Yeah, he'll do it. And Bill. And Bill. Can I borrow? You know, here's a deal. How many years do you think if you died,

would we do a benefit? Oh, I don't know. I'll do. So it's not a 10 like Patrice? No, it's two. I probably get two. Yeah, I don't think, we're gonna give the money to I My wife and son. Oh, yeah, for me you don't need to benefit. I don't have wife and kids

So what are you gonna do? All right, so if you died, give me one of your houses Austin Come on you get Austin. Let me get the LA. Come on, dude Don't give me the Austin you're getting Austin. Come on. We're not gonna die from this idea. I think we'll be okay All right next next question. We're not not. All right, so we're gonna get nude before we die from this. What the fuck, Tim?

Yeah, I'm a lot of doctors took it. So, you know, maybe, you know, if they're fucking, you know. That's true. Out of those guys took it, but they also could be, like, it could be fucking wrong. Buddy, you go back and forth a lot. I'm telling them that I I just think that there's people I think maybe if you were gonna get fucked up You would have got fucked up right away. I don't know. I'm what am I now? I don't know. I go for you for facts

It's not a big your my Tucker Carlson not a bad idea your Tucker Carlson now, okay? They offered you that get what you take it probably you would I probably would do how much money you're getting 60 million a year Yeah, I mean over the Dude, how much money? You're getting 60 million a year. Yeah, I mean, over the country. I'm gonna say no. Dude, you know how great you would be in there? It might be great. It might be fun. I'm gonna put that out there right now.

Fox News, you want a new host, you want somebody who's fucking talented and we'll get it right here. Just like the first, the first episode, it's like, we're investigating 9.11 and a diner that fucked me over. It's like, is the vaccine killing people and has Friday seen better days? I was, I was this question. It's a towed the trucker. What's the guess thing you've ever done?

This podcast. The guess thing I've ever done was watch a video of Lewis Gomez, blow of thing Bobby's dick. Yeah, people thought it was real. Everyone thought it was real. Because Rogan thought it was real, I think. He did. I think a lot of people thought it was.

Is that why he never had me on? It's maybe one of the reasons. Really? I mean, no, it was. Get it help. Yeah. He holds stand up in high esteem. He can't just start people sucking each other off on stage.

He's a progressive guy who has a certain extent, but enough's enough. Who showed him that? I don't know. I just remember seeing it being like, it looked so real. Because this is the problem. We got a real color. It was right here. It was remember seeing it being like, it looked so real. Because we got this is the problem. We got a real color. It was, but it was his color. I mean, it was like my color.

It was like a white dude. So it looked real. It looked so real. The next time we did it, it did do it again. Yeah, we got a blue dick. Oh, that's great. Yeah. So you know, it's, it's Avatar. Yeah, it's Avatar. Our next question. This is the last one. Yeah, this is the last one. Steve.

So what's the biggest comedy lesson you've learned from Robert? Care about people and be a good person, truly. Like, I think you, Bobby cares about people. He genuinely cares about people and he texts them and calls them and makes sure they're doing okay. And that's not a comedy lesson, that's a human lesson. Because a lot of the people in Los Angeles

where I'm from and not to be, you know, not to, you know, sound, it might sound a little harsh, but it's not meant to be. A lot of them are demons from hell. And Bobby's not, so that's, it's a nice change of pace. But they have Ferraris. I might make a deal with the devil. Yeah, yeah. I think you believe the devil wants to give them their souls back. Do you know Jesus Christ?

Do you think people make deals with the devil? Probably not. You know, we blame a lot of stuff on the devil that's humans. We blame a lot of stuff on the devil that's humans We blame a lot of stuff on the devil that's human beings Making deals with other human beings. I believe there's evil. I don't know if that's the takes the form of a devil or not It could do they do they drink children's blood stay young I Think they get blood replacement stuff to get stay the Q and on people are always like one step away from what it actually is People are getting like blood replacement stuff done like but they have they do take a

children's For me, I don't know look at me do I look young do I look like I'm getting the blood chalice? Somebody's spilling the blood chalice before I get it. You're looking just having milk Yeah, I'm like getting the blood. I'm like this is there like that's raspberry cranberry juice. That's not blood. I Listen buddy. Thank you for having me. I love you man. I love you. Thank you. Thank you Of course make sure you go to comicribles.com for all the YKWD merch go to Robert Kelly live Dot com for all my tour dates all my tour dates. I'm gonna be I'm gonna be at for all my tour dates, all my tour dates, I'm gonna be at, where the fuck is scrolling,

so I can't read it into this fucking scrolling. I mean, you're the worst, you're like my wife. I'm gonna be at Uncle Vinnie's this week, and one of the shows is sold out. The other one has a few tickets left. And then I'm in a New York comedy club, and the new New York comedy club room that I heard is amazing and Stanford Connecticut.

And then of course, I'm at the comedy mothership on the, I'm gonna be hanging out with Tim. We're gonna go for some food. And the 13th, I'm probably gonna do it early. I'm gonna be all over the majestic theater in Boston and coming up on the 20th. And I just added a bunch of new dates out there and theaters in the Hampshire. I'll be away this summer up at the tiny house July and August, but I will be coming back of course to do bonfire with my boy Big J. Ocasin every day on SyriSexM, Faction Talk and check that out. Make sure you check us out over there and Crackle Crackle Bitch and also the new podcast with Paul Verzi called the Bonda pick where we

We fucking bitch about a lot of things so go to that check that out and Tim Dylan everything On the internet make you so much other ship comedy club Next to Joe Rogan's taking him down the other ship. It's the hottest comedy club Get taking out and only 15 and nice 16 tickets And there's gonna be blood on the floor. I want to thank my boys. God, give you plugs real fast. Can you frame Max Marcus comedy? Yeah, well, frame, well, frame,

how do you frame me appropriate? Just frame me like up here like, oh, please make it hard. Can we frame nice guys? Let's frame nice, please. We're gonna frame nice. So even if he's different than me, no, we can frame, no, no, no, don't make me different than him.

I kind of like the way I look. This is a new jacket. But frame up, it's still nice. Let's do shoulders and up. Like, Tits and up. People, you know, the, yeah, Tits and up. Tits and up. This is that's the name of the podcast.

Tits and up. Danny, what do you got? Fast. At Danny Braff on Instagram. Joe, what do you got faster? You can follow the cheese show on YouTube. Not fast. I mean, you don't even listen.

What else? That's it. Nice. Maxie, what do you got, buddy? Max Marcus Comedy. Of course, make sure you subscribe, and we get my at-mic V-Swar as one of the other producers. The full autistic people that make the show.

Every week, you guys are the best fans of the world. Subscribe patreon.com.seps. Robert Kelly. If you like the podcast and you want to support the page, there you go. If not, just hit the subscribe button on YouTube. That's it. You can show some love that way. Like comment.

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