Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #540 | Maddy Smith | Rap Battle
Episode Date: June 16, 2024This week Bobby is with Maddy Smith, they talk about how to make your Wild N’ Out, Working a 9-5, and Bobby and Maddy have a Rap Battle! FOLLOW Maddy https://maddysmithcomedy.com https://www.instag...ram.com/somaddysmith Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Upgrade your wardrobe and get up to 25% OFF @trueclassic at https://www.trueclassictees.com/DUDE ! #trueclassicpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I was working in finance during the day.
Were you this person who you are now that you're a comic?
Or were you a different girl?
Were you polite?
At this job, I was polite.
They had no idea I did comedy.
Can you show me that person?
I would be like,
I would be like,
I would be like,
like walking in 10 minutes late.
Okay, walking in.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, how are you?
What's going on?
I'm good, how are you?
I'm good.
Oh my God, the train was insane today.
I hate that, don't you? That's great. And it sucks because I'm all the way in Brooklyn. Can you do me a favor'm good, how are you? I'm good. Oh my God, the train was insane today. I hate that, don't you?
That's great.
And it sucks because I'm all the way in Brooklyn, but.
Can you do me a favor?
Yeah, what's up?
Did you get that lunch set up?
Yes, I did.
You did, you did, okay, great.
Yeah, and we ordered the drinks for that as well.
Oh, perfect.
Along with the cookie platter that you asked for.
I love cookie, thank you very much for that.
Is it the chocolate chip cookies or the oatmeal?
Yeah, we have the chocolate chip and the oatmeal
and we also had a gluten-free request from one of the clients. So we'll be getting those as well.
Thank you so much. You're welcome. All right. We'll see you in the afternoon. Anything else?
No, that's it. All right. Thanks. Thanks.
Now be you. I love cock. Okay. Ask if I booked that lunch. Did you book that lunch? No bitch. Nothing matters. I'm a dick
I love you turn into Dan soda, which person is worse
Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now we're back, you know what dude live welcome everybody to the show
Started social media podcast
The social media podcast. The YKW Dude Podcast.
YKWD's back again.
Old school, back in the day, where it all started before them all.
YKWD.
This podcast is so fun and crazy.
It has no rules.
God, help, you're ruining this.
Where's the bomb?
Sorry, it's a comedy podcast.
This isn't NPR.
That's what this podcast does.
Is there any better show?
This is the original.
What's up everybody? It's Robert Kelly.
We're back at the YKWD Comedy Podcast Show
at the Comedy Cell Studios above the world famous Comedy Cellar.
And we are working with one camera tonight
and we have a roving second camera,
which is Joe who stands there like in a maniacal
fucking mannequin the whole show to get,
I don't know, a second shot.
I guess, so whatever.
We're making it work.
We hope you guys like it.
It's a two shot. It's the best shot. And then we We hope you guys like it. It's a two-shot
It's the best shot and then we got the one shot right there. What's happening?
And then we cut back to the two-shot we got a fantastic show for you tonight. I'm excited to be here
Let me push the button
We're working it out the boys the tizzy three and mush are working it out and
Let's get into the show. Maximus. No, what's your name?
Max. Max what? Is it a Maxwell? No, it's just Max. All right, you boring fuck.
Max, who do we got tonight? We have Maddie Smith. We got Maddie Smith and she is on all kinds of
Wild'n Out. Yeah. Which is fucking... Okay. Crazy. It's pretty crazy.
That you're on that show.
It's pretty crazy.
It's crazy.
I've been on for seven seasons.
That's nuts.
Where are you from?
I'm from Buffalo.
Buffalo, New York.
Suburbs.
How did you get out of Buffalo?
Dude, I freaking.
Most people don't make it out.
You know this kid over here?
From Buffalo.
I know.
He had to use magic.
I know. To get out. I got out I know. From Buffalo. I know. He had to use magic.
I know.
To get out.
I got out on the Underground Railroad.
Do they still have that?
Yeah, the tunnels were still there.
They still have the tunnels.
I just, you know, said one way, but I went the other way.
So it was all coming from down here up there.
But you went the other way.
Yeah, I went the other way.
Did you have to go by any like bones of old people or?
Yeah, yeah, so many bones.
So many bones.
Yeah, I picked them up. You picked them up? Made some necklaces out of them, yeah. Oh, yeah, so many bones. So many bones. Yeah, I'd pick them up.
You'd pick them up?
Make some necklaces out of them.
Yeah.
Oh, you have dead slave bones.
Yeah.
We're starting off good.
On my website, maddysmithcomedy.com slash merch.
So.
You can get, you can.
You have, you have just necklaces?
Or is it bracelets and earrings?
Oh, there's a lot of things.
Necklaces.
Oh, great.
Even goes into things for your pets and.
Do you have an ear belt or a tooth, something, like the whole pants up? Yeah. Oh, there's a lot of things, necklaces. Oh, great. Even goes into things for your pets. Do you have an ear belt or a tooth, something like to hold pants up?
Yeah.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Check it.
Hold on.
I have to go through my... We have two different belts, but one of them is more of a strap
that you would wear during a sort of Dom sub activity.
Oh, so you have a... You have slave bone strap-on belt.
Yeah, it's our way of thanking the natives.
The natives?
Is that what you go?
I don't know if that's the right N word.
But wow, you're bad.
You're a bad girl right out of the gate.
I have no idea what I'm saying.
I don't know what you're saying either, but you're fun.
Listen to me.
So you're from Buffalo.
From Buffalo.
And you're only 18.
This is crazy.
I know.
That's nuts. It's insane how much I've gotten done. How much you've gotten done. This is crazy. I know. That's nuts.
It's insane how much I've gotten done.
How much you've gotten done in so,
I mean, you were actually illegally on TV.
I know.
That's nuts.
My parents had to come to set.
Every day?
They had to give approval to crafty services.
What foods I was allowed to eat.
I had to tutor on set.
Because I started comedy when I was three years old.
Oh my God. You are, that's amazing.
Gotham.
Wow, at Gotham Comedy Club.
That's fantastic.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Let me tell you something.
Isn't it fucking, when you see that though,
when they bring like a little kid up,
you're like, oh fuck you.
Fuck you, bitch.
Show me in 20 years when he looks like an idiot.
Yeah.
You know, receding hairline cutie.
Yeah. And also that show me the dad who wrote those jokes.
Yeah. Yeah. I know it's there.
There's a show at Flappers in L.A. called Two Milk Minimum,
and it's an all kids comedy show.
Oh, we should go there.
Four kids. Kids doing comedy for kids.
Yeah, we should do. We should go there and heckle.
Pussy. Nice shirt.
Wimp.
The only time I was ever supposed to be at Flappers, I got bumped because of the Two Milk Minimum show. You got bumped by fucking
children? At Flappers. Danny's the only person that works his career backwards. He actually
was middling and headlining a week ago. This weekend, he got bumped down to an MC and then
the club that books him isn't booking him anymore.
Right. How do you fucking do that? Yeah what happened? I'll tell you.
Look at him. The booker quit. The booker quit. Yeah yeah always. Yeah that's things. Um. I've
heard that one before. How old are you? How old are you? 32. I love when Danny has a guest on that
he loves. He just talks. I know I'm like. Like he's part of the show. Like he just wants to call me or something.
loves he just talks. I know I'm like like he's part of the show. Call me or something. Then he just goes let me say another thing I'm the host.
Shut up! No, no, no, Danny, you can say whatever you want. But Joe you talk I'll fucking stab you.
You hold that camera look at me if I see a wobble I will kick your shin.
Yeah wobble it over here. Use your majestic magic skills to stay still.
Pretend you're an ice, what are you doing?
Sorry, whenever that roaming gets on me, I'm like.
I don't like the.
Welcome to Color Daddy.
Or Maddie.
Maddie gang.
I wanna be a big titted podcaster.
You should get tits, we'll raise money right now.
Start a GoFundMe. How big? I want to be a big titted podcaster. You should get tits. We'll raise money right now. Yeah.
Start a GoFundMe.
How big?
I just want them to be pulled up, I think, more.
Why?
Um...
I want the same thing.
Yeah, exactly.
I want my tits to be pulled up.
Two for one.
Think we'll get a deal?
Dude, my tits are so low.
I just want them.
I want to pull them up.
This is such a weird conversation to have with an 18-year-old.
I know.
I'm so young. Maybe it's just because they haven't grown in yet. What's uh, my mom bought me tampons just in case.
I have tampons. Really? Yeah, I do. I use them to blow my nose. That makes sense. Uh, what are you
wearing? Where did you get this? Have a homeless guy? What is this? Homeless chic? Why do you not
have? This is a problem why every time I buy like a new thing,
I can't because it doesn't look right on,
I bought this and thought, look how cool,
I thought it was gonna look boho chic,
Mary-Kate Olsen, like, oh my God,
look I'm so small in this big shirt.
That's what I thought it was gonna look like,
but you said I looked homeless.
Well, it's not finished, it looks like it's not done.
Well, that's the style, it's like French.
Oh, is that the new thing? Yeah. You know who had it? It it looks like home. It's like, oh, is that the new thing?
You know who had it?
It's like Nantucket, like Nantucket.
The beach.
You know, there was a guy down there who could suck it.
Oh, remember that one?
Yes.
Okay.
Is that dice clay or nursery rhyme?
I'm going to take a wild guess.
You're Irish.
Yes.
Okay, great.
Be funny if you're not Puerto Rican.
Actually, I am from, I am from Ghana.
Ghana. Yes. That's a Russian accent, but good enough.
You're doing good.
You're no Dan Soda.
You should have a homeless man wearing that dress.
Shut up, Danny.
Literally, get out of here.
That's not your fucking part.
You're wearing the Gap.
Now you smell like a Gap.
Yeah, bitch.
Yeah, fuck you, Danny.
Gap tooth freak.
Yeah, you fucking freaking nature.
You goofy-eyed fucking retard.
Whoa.
Sorry, I went too far.
That's my thing, I go too far.
I'm disabled.
Oh, yeah, I'm disabled.
I'm disabled.
I'm disabled. I'm you fucking freak in nature. You goofy eyed fucking retard. Whoa.
Sorry, I went too far.
That's my thing, I go too far.
I'm disabled.
Oh yeah, I was gonna say,
your eyes are really close together.
I'm super Irish and Scottish.
Yeah, you definitely look.
You look like every relative I have from Boston.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
And so you moved here, how long ago? I moved to New York City
eight years ago. And you did you get right, so you got right on Wild'n Out? I got on Wild'n Out in
2019. So I moved to New York in like 2016. Yeah. Did comedy for a few years and then I got on Wild'n
Out. Really? How did you, why that? How did you get on? I was doing a lot, all the roast battles,
remember all that? Oh yeah. Remember on? I was doing a lot, all the roast battles, remember all that?
Oh yeah.
Remember when roast masters and freaking everyone
on roast masters thought it would get them
on Comedy Central?
I know and it didn't.
And then none of us got on.
Oh I love that it died.
Yeah.
I love that the hot roasting just flopped.
Flopped.
You guys ruined friendships over your stupid roast
at the stand.
I know, Bobby's dad is so gay.
How gay is he?
He killed himself because of it.
La la la la la. What the fuck he? He killed himself because of it.
Lelelelelele.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
So many things.
I need your energy right now.
I need it.
Well, do you want some?
No, I don't.
What is that, weed?
Weed, vape, water.
So you're healthy.
You have no problems.
Yeah, vegetables, greenery.
So, I... I thought I wasn't gonna like you, but I love you. So, I-
I thought I wasn't gonna like you, but I love you.
Oh, that's so nice.
Everyone says that.
Everyone says that.
You look like you might be-
Specifically about you not liking me.
Oh, no, that's what I've been spreading the rumor.
I've been telling people.
I'm normal.
I'm fun and cool.
All right, don't get carried away.
All right.
What?
Sorry, the roaming was on me.
He's on.
Well, the other show we did, he was on me.
And someone must have got a little tip.
Hey, put it on her on this show.
I don't get my close up unless I do this.
And then we're back.
Stop doing that.
We have a bunch of nerds in here.
I've had sex in a while.
I know.
They're going to fucking all blow loads in their pants.
Freaks. I got to go. I've had sex in a while. I know. They're gonna fucking all blow loads in their pants.
I gotta go, I gotta go wipe cumsees.
So that's them, not me.
Ew, I know you can't.
I can't.
No, I can come, but it comes out like just comes out like jello gelatin.
Yeah, it's like yellow.
It crawls out a little bit.
It actually came out black.
Why?
What are you, racist? Why would you say it like that?
Well, I'm concerned for its safety.
Because my kidneys failing?
Did it actually come out black?
I've seen the yellow.
I've seen the yellow at the top of the cum,
and then it's like white on the bottom.
I'm going to throw up.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You know, like mayonnaise.
I haven't used this in a while.
Shampoo, the first little hard part. What is wrong with you? You know, like mayonnaise, I'm like, whoa, oh, I haven't used this in a while.
Shampoo, the first little hard part.
Sometimes come out, there's like a hard part
about on the top of com.
I didn't, what are you, I was like,
what, you saving that for me?
Ha!
I fucking love you so much.
I'm a little graphic, I apologize.
No, please be graphic, I love it.
All right.
So you got, more about the com.
Yes. Now listen listen when it pops out
What do you do? Do you save that and make more jewelry? I say I put it on the bones
You put it on that's how you keep the bones together. That's what you use. Oh, yeah, like an old like an old
Jewelry maker back in there like the Indians used to use that right exactly. I exactly I used I mixed the cum with a sawdust
You used to use that, right? Exactly.
Exactly.
I used, I mixed the cum with a sawdust
and I mixed it all.
You have to use a-
You know, you can fix, you can fix that what?
You can fix holes with that cum and sawdust.
I know.
Yeah, like a screw.
Dude, you should come over.
Yeah, I really-
Your fucking wall looks like Dalmatian.
Do you live alone?
Yes, I do.
All right, that was a weird question right after that.
Pull through.
Yeah. Who's coming over? Do you have a boyfriend?, I do. All right, that was a weird question. Right after that. All through. You live alone?
Who's coming over?
Do you have a boyfriend?
I mean, two weird questions.
Let me go back.
Yes, interesting.
I might be in a relationship and I do live alone.
Next.
Is it a man?
Obviously.
Wish I was gay.
Why?
Because women I love. How'd I just get a hair from you in my mouth? I know, it's floating over. What the fuck was gay. Why? Because women I love.
How'd I just get a hair from you in my mouth?
I know, it's floating over.
What the fuck was that?
Hello.
That's great.
I don't know, I'm just straight, dude.
Yeah, you see.
I like cock, I like balls.
You like balls?
Wait a minute, you like balls?
I mean, I don't, but after I hooked up with a girl once
and I was like, actually, it made me crave balls.
First time ever, you know what I mean? Yeah, that did the same thing to me. Right. Yeah actually like I, it made me crave balls first time ever. You know what I mean?
Yeah, that did the same thing to me.
Right.
Yeah, my wife's pussy makes me crave balls.
I'm gonna go jack off.
Why, I know that a girl's gonna say I like balls.
Well, like I like the comfort of a dick, you know?
I like being down there, yeah.
I like when he fucking,
I like when the guy goes into animal mode when you're fucking yanking his shit.
Fuck me.
What is that voice?
I don't know.
Never heard him talk in that range.
I don't know if I could do this.
Jesus Christ.
When a guy's feet move when you blow him, that's hilarious.
Are you blowing Sasquatch?
Why is it up here and down here?
Who's?
What is this?
It's Shaq.
Shaquille O'Neal.
Oh, Shaquille O'Neal.
Yeah, with me it would be more like this.
Oh yes, I know.
Like blowing the end of a joint.
There's a little bit of weed left in here.
That was like Patrice O'Neal.
He goes, I like little titties,
cause it's like smoking a joint.
Yes.
Exactly.
He's a comic, he died.
You might know him.
Right.
Dude, he would have fucking,
I think he would have loved some of my stuff.
Everyone's always like, Patrice, Patrice, he would have hated you.
I know. It's bullshit.
What? It's all funny.
He would have loved you.
People who say that though, it's like, dude, you never even met the fucking dude.
I know. They like almost like dehumanize in a way.
Yeah. Well, he's dead.
We don't have to worry about it.
Next topic.
5,000, I suppose.
Um, so.
Am I bombing? What's going on here?
Am I bombing this podcast or are we having fun?
No, yeah, we're having a great time, you fucking maniac.
Take a puff.
My binky.
My binky.
So you got on Wild and Out.
You moved here.
You got on Wild and Out.
How did you get on Wild and Out? Did you have to audition or did they see you? This is, you got on Wild N Out. How did you get on Wild N Out?
Did you have to audition or did they see you?
This is how I got on Wild N Out.
I was in New York City, I was doing all the,
mics to shows to a couple clubs past.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, got some momentum, feeling good.
Then I see a post that I was working in finance
during the day.
What's that, like what are you doing?
I know what it is, but what were you doing?
It's where you make your money grow. I know that, but what are you doing? It's where you make your money grow.
I know that, but what were you doing?
I was working at an investment firm
called New Burger Berman.
Were you making people money?
No, I was more of a project coordinator.
Oh, you weren't selling like Swampland in Florida?
No, but I was working for the guys who were.
I was working their golf events, hotels,
fucking Nobu meals and stuff like that.
You were doing chick shit.
I was doing chick shit. I was like, ekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekeke eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek eek like walk in 10 minutes late. Okay, walk in 10. Hey, what's going on?
Hey, how are you?
What's going on?
I'm good, how are you?
I'm good.
Oh my God, the train was insane today.
I hate that, don't you?
That's great.
And it sucks because I'm all the way in Brooklyn.
Can you do me a favor?
Yeah, what's up?
Did you get that lunch set up?
Yes, I did.
You did, you did, okay, great.
Yeah, and we ordered the drinks for that as well.
Oh, perfect.
Along with the cookie platter that you asked for.
I love cookie.
Thank you very much for that.
Is it the chocolate chip cookies or the oatmeal?
Yeah, we have the chocolate chip and the oatmeal
and we also had a gluten free request
from one of the clients.
Yeah, okay.
So we'll be getting those as well.
All right, great, perfect.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, you're welcome.
All right, we'll see you in the afternoon.
Anything else?
No, that's it.
All right, thanks.
Thanks.
All right.
Now be you.
And soon. Now be you.
I love cock.
Ask me, ask if I booked that lunch. Did you book that lunch?
No bitch.
Nothing matters.
Suck my dick.
I love you turning into Dan Soda.
Which person is worse?
See why I couldn't be myself.
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So they didn't know, so I kept
coming in tired and stuff.
Then someone, uh, McCalla, who used to book.
Julian.
McCalla.
No, I don't know who the fuck you're talking about.
She used to book.
Oh, okay, okay.
Some shows and stuff.
Okay.
She was producing, a casting producer for Wild N Out auditions in New York City, booking
roast battlers and rap battlers.
You were a big roast battler back then?
Yeah, I was doing a lot of roast battles.
Now when you write your jokes,
do you just sit down and wail them out?
You go, and did you go deep?
I think more for the roast battles,
it was a fun exercise to do.
And I go more line after line,
just like quantity over quality at first.
Okay, can you roast me right now?
Oh, sure.
Yeah, I guess I would say, like, everyone said you lost a lot of weight, but...
Pfft!
Hit me.
I'm not seeing it.
So I guess I am seeing it.
Okay, I got it.
That was a good one.
Camel pants.
They're not covering up the thighs.
Stop!
Why are you putting me on the spot?
All right, I just thought...
Now you're going to say something about me and my fucking flappy-ass blue vein titties. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for you? Yeah, I think you vote. I don't know.
I was against Kim Kongden.
So, you know.
I don't know, because I love Kim.
Kim's good.
And you might have said something about the big blue veins going down my Irish titties
because she said my tits look like a map of the road, map of the subway or something.
Blue line.
Yeah.
I said that to you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm sorry.
No, not at all.
No, I'm sorry that you have blue veins on you, weird tits. Me too.
I'm sorry that God cursed you with ugly tits.
You don't like the big blue fucking A?
Yeah, no, I love a blue vein titty.
I'm a big vein titty.
There's actually a porn, there's a genre of porn, vein boobs.
OK, yeah.
I don't know why, but I actually dig it into it for a minute.
It's like older women with big boobs, big kids big white tits and they got veins
And I'm gonna stop about it that I love those big
I had a friend in high school had veins blue veins in her tits little veins. Yeah, it's just something about that
I do like that very motherly very Irish mom, too. Yeah
What the fuck is happening?
My grandpa had my grandma had 12 kids. 12?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ, my grandmother had eight.
Wow.
Eight kids, 13 of us lived in the same house.
Wow.
My mother, my sister, my great grandmother,
and then all her brothers and sisters,
and my grandmother and grandfather, it was a fucking.
Wow.
It was wild though, I liked it.
It wasn't bad.
I liked it back then, it was simpler.
Sounds fun.
It was fun.
I had five uncles that were like five fathers
cause I didn't have a dad at that time.
So it was actually cool.
My aunts were like, you know, little side moms.
And where did you live?
I lived in Boston, Massachusetts.
Oh yeah, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah.
Which is similar to Buffalo, except better.
Way better.
Yeah.
Cause Buffalo, your winters are fucking disgraceful.
I just went to Helium in November for Thanksgiving
and fucking cold as hell.
So you're back there.
We'll never live there again.
Are you doing well when you go back?
Yeah, I had a great weekend that time.
That's great.
I did a little ladder.
I did like a one-nighter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then I did another one night.
And then they gave me a weekend.
I would never be able to date you.
Why?
Five seconds in, shut up.
You suck. She shut up. I know. You come home, you. Why? Five seconds in, shut up. You suck.
Shut up.
I know.
You come on, guess what happened?
Who happened?
No, and then everyone I date, I get into,
they just stop listening to me after a while.
Do you date a square or do you date another comedian?
Both, it's...
You date two guys at once?
It's...
It's called polyamory, have you heard of it?
Yeah, I don't get into this weird kid shit.
Me neither.
Yeah.
Would never have.
You did go with a woman. For one, it was like get into this weird kid shit. Me neither. Yeah. Would never have.
You did go with a woman.
For one, it was like one thing just to clarify.
Kim Condit, after the roast?
I wish.
When you lost.
I freaking wish.
She's hot.
I freaking wish.
I fucking love her.
If I showed you the bitch, you'd be like whoa.
Really?
To try again.
Why was it, why'd you hook up with a not a hot bitch?
Well, I was super hammered.
Okay, there you go.
I was like black out.
Okay, cause you're Irish.
Yeah.
And you come from an Irish Catholic and Buffalo. So you're a drinker.
I'm a drinker.
Now what's your drink?
Currently I'm actually two months off the sauce.
Hey, are you off the sauce because the law or because you chose to?
I'm off the sauce because of my second DUI.
No, I'm kidding.
I already told them my car, I can't get a DUI if you don't have a car.
I am off the sauce because I accidentally blacked out and realized I can't be doing
that anymore.
You blacked out and you don't know what happened?
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out.
I'm blacked out. I'm blacked out. I'm have a car. I am off the side because I accidentally blacked out
and realized I can't be doing that anymore.
You blacked out and you don't know what happened?
Yeah, and well that happens a lot to me.
You black out a lot.
Yeah.
I started black, I haven't drank in 37 years.
Right.
But when I was younger and I started drinking,
at the end I started blacking out.
Really?
I would just wake up.
I woke up, this is so fucked up.
I used to do drugs and drink.
Yes. And I woke up. You're crazy. I woke up, this is so fucked up. I used to do drugs and drink. Yes. And I woke up.
You're crazy.
I woke up.
What?
Drinking and drugs?
I did, yeah, it was crazy.
And it was nuts.
What?
It was the 80s.
No one's ever done that.
It was the 80s.
We were crazy back in the 80s.
And then, but I was actually 13.
Right, okay, yeah.
But I woke up in my friend's car
and these other two kids that we knew stole it. And I was just passed out in the back, so they just left me in the back. That, yeah. But I woke up in my friend's car and these other two kids that we knew stole it.
And I was just passed out in the back
so they just left me in the back
and they couldn't get me up or out.
It was a two-door Monte Carlo and they couldn't get me out
so they just left me.
So I woke up in the back and they were driving
and I was like, what the fuck, where's Frankie?
They're like, if you fucking tell him we took his car,
we'll fucking kill you right now.
And I just fell asleep back in the seat.
Yeah, I used to get drunk so fucking bad.
You fell asleep in a two-door car.
Two-door Monte Carlo.
You know what a Monte Carlo is, young girl?
I don't do two-door cars.
Why?
Because.
I'm sorry, you have standards?
Yeah.
Fucking blackout drunk.
Yeah, I do, especially if there's more than two of us
because I'm not sneaking in the back with my little legs.
So why, so you got sober?
Cause you sober or you just done drinking for a minute?
I'm just done drinking for a minute.
I would like to get back to the point
where I can have a beer and call it a night.
I do like a brew ski, but I love the feeling.
And I should have stopped way earlier.
I black out like a mofo.
Really?
Like a mofo.
You know that's like fighters when they get hit
towards the end, they don't have it, the chin goes.
And now they get hit, you just tap them.
Same thing with drinking, once you stop blacking out.
Well, I started blacking out when I was like 16.
Jesus Christ.
Right.
That was two years ago.
I know, I'm so young and tight.
So.
Everyone's saying that all I need is like a sip.
Like hammered. Honestly, God, these guys are gonna fucking cover their pants. I know, Danny's saying it, all I need is like a sap. Like hammered.
Honestly, God, these guys are gonna fucking
pop me in the pants.
I know, Danny's like literally rock hard right now.
The erection just hit the desk.
Ew.
Hit the desk?
Yeah, right?
It was crazy.
Maybe grazed his boxers.
It actually curved, it curved and went around
his spider bifida back.
That's how he gets support.
Yes, so when I drink, I black out.
I get very excited.
Didn't really acknowledge that I had like maybe a,
cause I don't wake up and crave alcohol.
It's like when I go to social events.
If you were having an after party after this
and I was still drinking and it's that gray area,
might black out.
You might black out.
Yeah, cause if it's like, did his podcast,
had a great time, blah, blah, blah.
Not thinking boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And then you wake up.
Feeling like the seventh circle of hell.
Right, but you don't know what happened.
Yes, cause it'll be like, it'll go from zero to 60.
We'll go to a party and hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
drink in hand, chug, drink in hand, chug.
And then.
And you wake up at Danny's house.
Yeah.
And he's doing magic over your body.
Then you're saying, Danny, I would not have consented.
You know that.
But he has a video of you going, go ahead, big boy.
Go ahead.
Give me all you got, you crooked cock fucking weirdo.
I'm saying yes, bitch.
You're actually making him do it?
He's like, I don't want to, you pussy, get down there.
And sign this too.
It says, I'm saying yes.
Dude, yeah.
So I think maybe this past one,
I woke up and was like, we can't do this anymore.
You can't.
I can't.
Well, you can't because you're time traveling.
Right.
You're time traveling.
And guess what?
I spend the rest of the week thinking about that night
when if I didn't time travel and stayed sober,
I would have said, oh, I forgot I went to that gay ass party.
Sorry, lame ass, I don't know what you guys say here.
We can say gay ass, we don't care anymore.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I'm actually grandfathered in.
You can say the N word.
I am too, with Wild N Out, I can say anything.
I know, that's so wild to see you on that show
because it's mostly black.
Yeah.
And it's high, I mean, it's ruthless.
Those guys are fast, really quick.
I've seen people go up in flames on that show.
Really like, oh.
Just honestly.
We can Google it, so you can just say it.
But it's not even something that made the episode.
That's the sad part.
You can't even Google it.
Oh, you can't.
It's like behind the scenes, like,
so we film for like an hour and a half
and everything gets cut down.
Yeah, of course, because I mean, look,
when you're out there doing stuff like that,
you're improving and making shit up,
you're gonna take a hot one.
Oh yeah, for sure.
I've taken hot ones like that.
Dude, I've taken hot ones every freaking night of my life.
Have you, that's what I heard about you.
So have you bombed on it?
I, for the most, I've had like a couple cricket moments.
Right.
But later on.
You pulled it back.
And then I'll say to the producers, was that weird?
They're like, well, we don't give a fuck.
You're always funny. It doesn't matter.
Really?
But I haven't, I kind of found my little lane
on it really quickly.
Right.
Where I'm just like, go up, hey, I'm Maddie.
What up?
Say something crazy shocking.
You tend to be black.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
Assimilate. Assimilate. You're like the Borg. Yo, what's up, motherfuckers? I'm Maddie. What up? Say something crazy shocking. Pretend to be black. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Assimilate.
Assimilate.
You're like the Borg.
Yo, what's up, motherfuckers?
I'm white.
Cold switch.
Hey, y'all.
What we doing in the classroom?
Pick up and kill it and kill it and kill it.
I come home from, because we film everything at once too, so it's a big, you know, it's
like a summer camp type of thing.
Has anybody given you shit, like, cause you're a white chick?
I've had people say shit like she's annoying to roast
because she's so unexpectedly harsh.
Right.
So anything she says will go crazy.
Yeah, because your Laura Ingalls is walking out.
Right.
And then you're a fucking, you like that one?
Yeah, I love that.
I think she had that shirt, actually,
in one of the episodes. It was actually vintage. That had that shirt, actually, in one of the episodes.
It was actually vintage.
That's vintage Laura Ingalls,
little host of the program.
She wore that when she had the baby.
Yeah, it was from the maternity episode.
Yeah, half pint.
That was given to her by her dad
just before he died of cancer.
Yeah, exactly.
They wore him over in the old school hospitals
that they had there that also doubled it in the school room.
in the old school hospitals that they had there that also doubled it in the school room.
But so, so because you, you do have,
you do have this little like little hustle period look
and then you walk out and you smash people.
Right, but they can smash me back.
Yeah, but it's different because you see a Puerto Rican chick
with pink hair, you expect to be like, listen, motherfucker.
Yeah.
And then all of a sudden you're like, hey, and it is,
it is, what's the word I'm looking for? It's like, you know.
Unexpected?
Nope.
Yeah, that's what he was looking for, dumbass.
I mean, it is, but I was looking for a bigger word,
but I'm the dumbass and I couldn't get to it.
I thought this, I thought.
Out of pocket.
Out of pocket, yeah, that's something like that. Where it's like, you're expecting, I thought out of pocket, out of pocket. Yeah. That's something like that.
Yeah. Where it's like, you're expecting, I guess.
I just didn't want to give it to him.
Stupid ass bitch.
Cause he said it like unexpected, dummy.
After I already said unexpected, suck my dick bitch.
Yeah, it is. Yeah. It's like, and also maybe I'm like the
first like kind of plain looking white person on there
That's actually said something back that would had some oomph to it
Yeah, right, which helped with my background is roast battle, right?
That's roast that worse than Wild'n Out. Yeah, because I'll announce playful. Hey, you don't use seasoning. You got a flat ass
Roasts are like, yeah, yeah, your brother died. Yeah. Yeah, they're very vicious on the roast battles.
Yeah.
Almost to the point where it's like, dude,
I don't even, this guy's brother just died
and you just trashed him.
Yeah, and the pre-roast battle thing
where you gotta send the documents
of information on each other.
Oh, is that?
So my mom had cancer for three years.
Oh, really?
You got over it though, yeah.
I didn't know that.
It turned into that after a while.
How's she doing?
Well, that's not what I say.
Oh, sorry, I thought your mom had cancer. No. Oh, good, thank God. Just describing the lists, yeah. No know that turned into that. How's she doing? Well, that's not what I say. Oh, sorry. I thought your mom had cancer.
Oh, good. Thank God.
Just describing the list. Yeah. No, my mom's healthy.
Oh, good. Yeah.
Let me find a text message right now. Mom's sick.
So you get on this thing. You got to be nervous.
Nervous as fuck.
Because now did you hang out with black people before that?
Were you around? Because you're from Buffalo.
So let me tell you this.
Yeah, you love black guys.
Until comic, love be black cock.
You're just eating at my mouth.
Let me tell you this, I'm white as they come, okay?
I'm white as cum.
I'm white without the yellow cum.
None of that on there.
From, but the suburbs of Buffalo, like Clarence, like white.
And then I went to a SUNY school,
upstate liberal arts school, wha-ay.
Yeah, I think SUNY means white fat chick.
In Indian.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's where I was, and that's what I was
when I was attending this college.
I was a fat bitch.
You used to be fat?
Yeah, I was fat.
Hands to the saggy tits now.
That's what I, that's, yeah, that's what's yeah, I didn't want to say too much up top
Then I had to talk about the blue vein thing, you know in case people on the internet are like Bobby says only about her blue veins
Sorry, but no, I bet you don't have blue veins. I wish I actually had blue veins. I more have
Green I more have
flattened
Stretch marks. I'm gonna, green. I more have flattened stretch marks.
I'm gonna throw up. I know. It sucks.
I lost it. It's like a Capri Sun without the juice. Like there's no...
Like there, because when I was bigger, they used to be big Irish.
Oh, the best. Like big. The best.
Pale nipple bigs. Oh, I fucking love you.
You might be one of my new favorite people.
Oh my God, you too.
I'm so honored.
I'm so happy.
I was nervous all day.
I was so nervous you were gonna be a dud.
A dud?
Yeah.
Last thing, last thing I am.
I thought you were gonna be a fat dud.
Maybe I'm a milk dud.
Take that any way you want, filming camera.
But if you lose weight when you're a chick,
it's fucking, you get annihilated in the tits.
Oh, dude, listen to me.
I just lost all that weight and it's far,
I had to start, I talked to a guy,
he's, you have to start working out immediately with weights
so that it will tighten up, it will tighten up.
But there's still some points.
Yeah, like I have like stretch marks on the side,
but who gives a fuck?
It doesn't matter if it's dark, especially if you're blacked
out, you don't know who it is.
I know I'm blacked out and they're black.
We can't see each other and we can't, I don't know.
I tried to say something.
I thought that was really awesome in my head.
All right.
So, so listen to me.
Yeah.
So before Wild'n Out, no, it was like, I'd say comedy.
That's when I started like hanging out with black people.
Because I just did every kind of Mike and show there was.
And then, you know, Wild'n Out was like, black.
Wild'n Out is a black show.
Oh, look at Napoleon, my black friend.
Oh, look at blah, blah, blah.
Ethan SP, my black friend. No, fucking at blah, blah, blah, Ethan SP, my black friend. No, fucking these, like these people are these people, LOL.
Can I say this any worse than I can?
I don't know.
I mean, coming from your face too, it's worse.
Black, these black, these like urban comedians.
Put your thin white girl teaching fingers down.
I thought you were gonna say my lips.
I thought you were gonna say my lips.
You said it.
You have nice lips. I don't think gonna say my lips. I thought you were gonna say my lips. I thought you said. Mm-hmm. You have nice lips.
I don't think you have thin lips.
Except for the top one.
That's half of them, so.
The bottom one's fine.
Yeah, everyone doing their fillers
and their face stuff scares me.
No, do not do any of that.
You got a great face.
Don't fuck with it.
I always thought with the face stuff,
you were supposed to be like, this is what I look like.
Hey, we're all supposed to accept that.
And now everyone's changing it up.
I know.
Changing it up.
I can't stand you.
You ever look out into the comedy crowd
and see a bitch with the face?
Yeah.
And you're like, there's the face.
Yep, there's the face.
Yeah.
But I mean, what are you gonna do?
Nothing.
Yeah, you can't do anything.
So then I started hanging out with black people.
And that's when I got really cool.
No, but like when you, so here you are,
you go into the show and it is all,
look at man, I used to do black rooms
and it's intimidating because it's a different crowd.
They expect funny.
Yes.
They aren't fucking around.
They're not fucking around.
They don't give a fuck.
If they're gonna boo you,
they're gonna fuck with you if you ain't right.
Agreed.
And it would petrify me.
When I used to do Boston, what was it?
Chocolate Sundays or whatever they called it.
I was terrified all the time.
And you had to follow all these killers
that have been doing it.
Now you're on the show.
And you have no friends on the show.
You have to make friends, right?
I had a couple, I had to make friends. Yeah. And you have no friends on the show. You have to make friends, right? I had a couple.
I had to make friends.
Yeah, I had to make friends.
I made, so they did this thing called like audition workshops,
like five days of workshops before Wild N Out.
So I was able to meet new people and they cut people each day.
I was like, yeah, I'm still here.
Like an American, like an American Idol.
Yeah, exactly.
Like a P Diddy pie.
Exactly, American, yeah.
P Diddy. Yeah. Was he involved? No. Oh, exactly. Like a P Diddy. Exactly, American, yeah. P Diddy.
Yeah.
Was he involved?
No.
Oh, good.
Thank God.
Right?
I mean, it depends on the way you look at it.
Right.
If you don't like fun.
If you don't like to make the band.
Guys, oh, that show has a whole new meaning now, doesn't it?
I know.
It's creepy.
Okay, so yeah, so I made it through all that.
Is Nick there?
Nick came through to a couple, like couple like low key like just to watch.
Seems like a nice guy.
Nice guy.
Seems like a really cool dude.
Never any like we have to wait because Nick's taking his time.
No, always on time.
Nice guy, very supportive.
If you're funny, they put you in more.
It's a very straightforward show.
Right.
I could tell from the beginning they would say like, everyone like get on your shit. You're they
would say to me like, do you like just do you? Okay, stay
white as fuck. Right. Like you're funny as hell just doing
you. Yeah. Even if sometimes you look clueless as hell. Yeah.
Or if you rap and if I'd be offbeat but you and on a banger.
Right. Doesn't matter. As you're just you have to start using
words like that. Like banger. lol. Yeah, I will say after
probably wild and out. I picked up more more slang. My first season I came back I like got new sneakers like that, like banger. LOL. Yeah, I will say after probably Wild N Out, I picked up more.
More slang.
After my first season, I came back,
I got new sneakers.
I was like, you guys don't know my new friends.
You have to have a good sneaker game.
I know.
Cause they'll fuck, you walk in with like.
Dirty shoes.
Dirty shoes.
Disrespectful.
All those little nurse shoes.
I know.
Yeah, with those, yeah.
I went to a Wild N Out cast party, a wrap party,
wearing plastic Birkenstocks once.
What's wrong with you?
I got my ass beat. Are you fucking crazy?
I got my ass beat.
Oh my God.
And I smoked weed that night for the first time
in a long time and you know it was weed weed,
like Carlos Miller weed, like big blunt this song.
I had an existential crisis.
I was like, they all think I'm the white joke.
Step it up next season, No more of this pandering.
Like it's a freaking Lakers team.
So you did the first season, you-
Did the first season.
You get in now-
Did great, I thought.
You did great.
Okay, and they loved you.
That was 2019.
I did like 16 episodes out of 30.
16 out of 30.
Yeah.
Now is it pay good or is it like-
Pays per episode.
So my motivation was like,
I quit my job because I went there.
Oh, right.
So I was like, I have to make this happen.
You have to.
So I'm going to learn these fucking games.
There's like nursery rhyme games.
There's like, hey.
Like what?
Tell me what is.
Like you have to play like, like there's
a game where there's a big group of desks
and it's called Kick Him Out the Classroom.
And we go, I'm sitting with Bobby in the classroom.
And then you say, now I got a good hobby in
the classroom oh sorry I have to rhyme it yeah okay let's do it again hey I'll
be hitting my vape in the classroom I'll be hitting your tits in the class hey
kick him out the classroom okay sorry no you have to rhyme with vape yeah okay
yeah I do it again okay Okay. Do that one again.
Okay.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Hey, I'd be sitting on the dock in the classroom.
I'd be sucking your cock in the classroom.
Hey, TikTok in the classroom.
Yo, you're a mick mock in the classroom.
Oh, Glock Glock in the classroom.
You got guns?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
My gun.
I'm glad you didn't do the vape one again,
cause I was gonna do a racist one.
I, oh, I thought you were gonna say rape. That's why I said vape. I was like it would have been funny, too
But a lot of it is a lot of wild and out is there's a million different games
Has anybody said something that was out of line like racist against you? Um
Or have you done accidentally something?
Yes.
Some slips like that shit?
Yes.
Yes.
Like what can you say it or I don't want to get you in trouble.
There's one that didn't air some guy said my pussy like had more ruined more black guys
than Hurricane Katrina or something.
Oh they did it because of Hurricane Katrina not because of your pussy.
Yeah.
They didn't want to offend the people.
I think I tried to clap back, but it sounded like racist.
Are you, why are you knocking on the table?
Oh, sorry.
Fucking maniac.
Just kidding.
Relax.
Nervous thinking about this joke.
Oh, really?
They didn't hear it, but yeah.
Was it your joke or their joke?
It was some guy came at, some white guy came at me about,
and I tried to clap back and they were both,
they both came off like,
everyone was like, get the white people off the mics.
No shit.
Yeah.
Wow.
When you go backstage, I'm like, was that weird?
The producers are like, what?
Because so much is happening.
Do you ever think you'd hear that?
Yeah.
I mean, times have changed.
Right?
Get the white people off the mic.
Yeah.
They're being racist toward each other.
Yeah, seriously.
They've turned on each other, motherfuckers.
Now, Lil Kev was on it.
Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart was on it. Kevin Hart.
Kevin Hart was on it.
He came in on my sixth season.
Oh, because he came in as a person.
He came, yes. Oh yeah, and he was like old, old school, right?
He was there at the beginning, right?
I thought you meant as a guest, but he had come in last year as a guest, and that was
pretty fun.
Yeah, he's fine. And Cat Williams came on this year. Cat Williams came on too.
Right, last year?
Yeah.
But did he do like a bridge version of it?
Yeah.
Right?
Kevin Hart's episode was like 60 minutes.
And Cat Williams was probably regular 23.
23 minutes.
And he came out.
But he was still good, right?
He was still good, it was great.
Wasn't he a little calmer?
He was calm and he was awesome.
He didn't come out like this motherfucker.
Not at all.
He was more like people would roast him and he'd be like i have three
movies yeah he was he was rich yeah it was rich energy i have money yeah i
didn't hate it no i liked it i like cat and kevin murdered like the energy in
that room when he ran out was explosive yeah surprise oh he's one of the biggest
comics in the world man he's on he comes back to his roots yeah where he kind of
got started.
That's pretty epic.
Now, do you get help writing stuff?
Or do you guys help each other?
We help each other.
Okay, good.
Definitely help each other.
There's like a group of consultants on the,
and I'm also one of those.
Are you a consultant?
Yeah.
Oh, no shit, so you get paid twice?
Yeah, because they call us consultants, I think,
so they don't have to pay us as much.
Right, yeah, sure.
But still good, fun to do.
Right.
People, it's kind of low-key.
People come up, hey, oh, and when the celebrity guests
come on, you can- You'll help them.
Roast joke and raps and stuff like that.
What do you mean, a rap?
So the show has rap games, and it also has,
at the end of every episode, there's a rap battle
between both teams on stage.
You have to do, okay, so you're a white girl
from Buffalo, SUNY, Fat Chick College.
Former Fat Chick, low tits.
Right, low tits.
Worked in finance.
Finance, and all of a sudden you have to learn to rap?
Yes.
What'd you say, whore?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
I was just adding to the list.
Okay.
Yeah.
I have a lot going on.
You're you you are busy girl.
I'm so busy.
And alcoholic.
The G Cal is booked up.
Don't forget about your blackout.
You blackout.
Yes.
You time travel.
Yes.
Which I haven't in two months.
Right. Good for you.
Congratulations.
Time's been cut.
It'd be funny if you were blacked out right now.
I know.
Just for this.
Next time I see you.
Next time I see you, you're like, what's up?
Hey. You have no idea. like, what's up? Hey.
Yeah, what's up?
That actually happens to me.
I'm so fun when I'm black out that I let people down.
Really?
Like the second.
If they meet me when I'm in a blackout,
the next time they meet me, I can see them be like,
waiting for me to say some crazy shit.
You're pretty crazy since you come on here.
True.
So you do a rap.
How do you learn to rap?
I guess I. Had it in you do a rap. How do you learn to rap? I guess I...
Had it in you the whole time?
I had it in me the whole freaking time is the thing.
So they...
It's just my rhythmic roots.
So listen to me.
You just, what the hell was that?
I think you pretty much just did an African mating call.
That was crazy.
You just did the Tutsi tribe national anthem.
It's you know what dude, we go crazy.
We go crazy.
Hey, what's in this crack?
So, so wait.
Okay, so.
So you have to, you are this girl
and all of a sudden you have to rap battle.
That must have fucked you up.
No wonder you're an alcoholic.
No wonder when you drink till you black out.
You're freaking telling me.
You have to.
You're literally telling me.
You have to do that.
Do you understand my life right now?
It's insane.
You have to do this shit because your anxiety
must be through the roof, but if you don't take the shot,
you're going back to fucking finance.
Exactly.
Yes.
Thank you.
Finally someone freaking gets me. I do get you. And now I'm off the sauce, freaking back. I'm trying to get my weight back. I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back.
I'm trying to get my weight back. I've ever been in my life. I know. Ironically.
Fat is bad.
OK, so yeah, there's a rap.
So I just kind of, I would write hundreds and hundreds
of bars for people who I would think I was going against.
I would write generic man bars.
So you would go home.
Which is I think what they do in rap battle in general.
So you would go home and just write shit.
Into my hotel room.
Into your hotel room, write shit by yourself. You you go home and just write shit. Into my hotel room.
Into your hotel room, write shit, buy yourself.
You do homework.
I do homework.
So you had to step it up.
You did M&M shit.
For the first three to five seasons, that's what I did.
Lately I've been more chill.
I've been like, I'm Maddie, I can do anything.
Do the other people do that, you think,
or are they just going up to a skill?
Some people would try really hard
and it just wasn't clicking.
Right.
Which we see in comedy.
Yep.
Some people fucked around and had talent and it didn't click because they didn't put their
fucking and we would see it happen.
Yeah, you're looking at it.
Yeah.
I'm in a podcast with three autistic kids right now.
I know.
With a huge painting of me when I could have made it.
I know.
That's you?
Was. Really? Yeah. know. That's you? Was.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
It's beautiful.
So angular.
Yeah.
That's a good word.
You just call me white?
It's unexpected.
Angula?
Angular.
Angular.
Oh, OK.
Not English.
Oh, sorry.
Angola.
So you go, and you're writing all these raps.
Yes, nightly.
You're doing like a
Billy Burr you're going putting a dossier on everybody I'm doing that and
just you're like looking at like I know there's a couple fat guys write some fat
guy jokes okay I know there's a girl who's heavier write some fat bitch jokes
one white guy okay dumb ones for that school shooter jokes yeah I just wrote
all night and we would like learn the games that we had to play
cause there's all sorts of different improv.
It's like sports comedy improv, you know like.
It's hip hop improv.
I started in improv.
Okay, yes.
And they used to do hands, the chorus of gripes.
Yes.
So, oh I get it now.
So basically they took college corny improv troops
and just it's like blacked it up.
Yeah. It'll be like this next game is called flow job.
That's all this is. Yeah.
There's hundreds of games.
I didn't even fucking realize that we should watch a full episode together.
Do a live for the Patreon.
Yeah. Bobby Kelly reacts to an episode of Wild and Out.
Yeah. Is that what we should do?
Yeah, we should do it.
We're doing a product.
What?
Danny's saying yes.
Danny has autism.
He lives with his parents.
He has nothing to do.
I know.
He's so excited you're here.
No, I know.
I was with someone recently and he called and he was like, I got Skank Fest!
I was like, Danny, please.
We've been there for six years.
JK, I think it's cool. Okay. So, yes there for six years. All right, so let me ask.
JK, I think it's cool.
Okay.
So, yes.
So, yeah, so I hammered it in and just made sure,
on top of having a funny character,
I was also telling funny jokes
and shining where I was supposed to.
Was this you, this character,
was that there before this,
or did you create this for the show
and now you kind of have it as your thing?
Oh, my standup was always like pretty active,
pretty high energy and my roast were always pretty cutting.
Right.
And.
You just mixed the two.
Also mix of goofy like the fuck,
you really just say that?
Right, yeah.
I could see that, that's so weird.
Like kind of memorable, so I slipped that.
Like I called someone on Wild'n Out,
he was fat guy, fat black dude.
I called him like Martin Luther King,
Junior Bacon Cheeseburger.
And that was a funny, but they went crazy.
Like to this day, people are like, yo, dad won.
That's my black voice.
I got it.
I understood it.
So yeah, it's like improv and blah, blah, blah.
Right, now when you rap battle, does that not fuck you anymore?
You just go out.
They give you something to rap, or do you got to just go at it?
You just go at it. So if out, they give you something to rap, or do you just go at it? You just go at it.
So if me and you were to rap right now.
Yeah.
Would you get a beat?
We would get a beat.
So you get a beat.
I'm gonna give you a beat right now.
Spook em, spook em.
A, A.
Spook em.
It's me, with my B, hanging out.
YKWD, you know the vibes, we're hanging out.
Danny, autistic, singing out. Autism Speaks, you know the vibes. We're hanging out. Danny, autistic, singing out. Autism
speaks we know because of him. Turn it up. He ain't in the gym. Neither is Bobby Kelly,
but he's at the dojo. Doing comedy.
That was gay. That was gay. Is that for Pride Month?
I am not a good rapper.
I mean, god damn it.
I'm not trying to fraud it.
Do you want to do one? Go ahead.
I'm here with Maddie, here to say this bitch dresses like she's gay.
A dyke from Cape Cod, you know why.
That's why she licks that little Y.
And sucks it up.
She likes the cum in her butt.
Her hair's so greasy, slimy smooth.
Her lips really thin and really cool.
Her tits hang down, low really mean.
That's why you see those green veins in them.
And that's why you don't like licking them, because it makes you puke in your mouth.
You'll throw up.
And that's why you call her a slut.
Her name's Maddie.
Maddie.
Maddie.
Maddie.
Mad.
Mad.
Turn it up.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Yo, what's up?
And then Nick Cannon goes.
Oh, you think I could be on?
Nick Cannon goes, DJ D-Wrek, that was close.
Who won that?
That was a tight one, but I gotta give it to team Bobby.
Oh, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah, I would bub bub bub bub bub bub.
I would love to be on the show.
What if I, what if next season,
what if next season, all of a sudden I just rolled out.
What if you come in and I'm like, this is my friend,
he's a comedian, could we just have him for a day?
No, I would never do it.
I would shit myself.
So fun.
I give you, let me tell you something.
The fact that you would go on something like that,
stand-up comedy alone is nerve-racking and crazy.
Just why do we do it?
You shouldn't.
The fact you go on that type of show, improv's nuts.
And then to go on an urban improv show
where the stakes are that much higher
because if you look like a dickhead, they're on you.
And it's on TV?
That's crazy.
So I give you a lot's on TV? I know. That's crazy.
So I give you a lot of props for pulling that off.
I feel like I had a great time.
It felt like a whirlwind for the first few seasons
and like what the fuck am I doing?
Any drama, anything backstage?
Yeah, there is always drama.
Really?
There's always drama, yeah.
It's so concentrated.
How do you deal with that?
It's just day by day. It's like... That's disgusting what you're doing now. I'm so concentrated. How do you deal with that? It's just day by day.
It's like...
That's disgusting what you're doing now.
I mean, you are...
My pointy little thin fingers.
I mean, you're one of the cutest girls I've ever met
with some of the grossest shit I've ever seen.
Rudolph, she thinks I'm cute.
You just cracked your,
you cracked your skeletor fingers.
And it almost.
Look how big my fucking hands are.
What's wrong with your hands aren't that big.
Put your hands up.
Yeah they are.
Yeah you got big hands.
The same size as yours.
Yeah you got, you're taller than me though.
I played piano when I was young.
Did you really?
My teachers would be like that range.
You play piano still?
I do have a piano, I have like a weighted keyboard.
So you're talented.
Yes I am.
You're a talented person.
You were gonna be in this business no matter what.
That or if, you know, I was directed correctly, I could have been a doctor, but now I'll just
be a comedian.
You couldn't have been a doctor.
Come on.
I mean, maybe for a kid.
Yeah.
If you ever walked in with your energy and you were going to do a fucking kidney transplant,
I'd tell you to beat it.
Hey, what's going on?
How you guys doing?
We are going to get started in one second.
You started rapping about my kidney?
Yo, you getting nervous?
Don't be,
cause we gonna take out your kidney.
And then you gonna feel a little bit better.
You gonna stop passing stones.
You feel better?
Don't worry.
You'll still keep getting fat as fuck.
It's America, ay.
Wow, you stink at this.
Sorry, I'm Donald Glover.
Donald Glover.
I stink at this.
No, you're great.
I've seen you.
I stink at this.
It must be hard.
It's more just, if you know you stink at it,
you get all your bars in your head ready.
You have to get them in before.
So you're walking out there
knowing kind of what you're gonna do.
Yeah, which I think is what actual rap battlers do.
Oh yeah, you don't think they just make it off the top of the head?
I think they respond off the top.
I'm sorry, the top of the dome?
The dome, as they say, right.
Well, there used to be a producer of this show, I believe his name was Zach.
Bush? His name's Zach.
What's his last name? Do you know?
What?
Simpson.
Simpson. He is a rap battler, but he goes into, you know, if you bring him up on the internet
if you can.
Yeah.
He goes into like, you know, like M&M shit.
Yes.
Like basements and goes at it with other dudes and it gets, it gets heated.
Heated.
Heated.
Yeah.
And it's kind of scary and have you seen it, Mush?
I've seen, I have a few.
It's on Instagram.
There's Rhone.
But he's Palestinian.
Oh wow.
So he rolls in with like one of those things
and then throws it down.
Wow, that's so cool.
But off stage, I mean Mush,
he was the sweetest, most gentle person.
I mean he was so nice to me, so nice to the show,
the sweetest person ever, but then one day he told me,
he rap battles, I was like, there's no fucking way.
And then I went and watched it on Instagram
and it was fucking ruthless.
Insane.
Yeah.
Yeah, mean as fuck.
Damn mean.
You got fired at Danny?
I'm looking.
Okay, can you look quicker?
Mike, can you help him? Thanks you help him thanks I know I can't
and here's the thing if you are just supposed to be like a superhero power
yeah I know why don't you just know it? I'm like
If your face looks like that and you don't have powers what the fuck are we doing?
I think what if we look directly we're both staring at us like this what what?
He did not. Bush, you have it?
Well, I have a few friends,
Sharon, Rhone, Hitman, Holla, Charlie Clips.
Now are you in part of this culture now?
Yeah.
So your father's sad?
Yeah, he hasn't called since the day I left to Atlanta.
No, are you friends with your dad?
No, yeah, I'm friends with my dad.
Okay, is he cool?
He loves the show, yeah.
He loves the show? He's cool, I'm friends with my dad. Okay, is he cool? He loves the show, yeah. He loves the show?
He's cool, yeah.
Him and my mom like the show.
My dad worked at FedEx when I started the show
in a freight terminal, because of freight transportation,
all his friends were like, thought he was so cool.
Oh, fuck him.
Because he has all black friends in the warehouse.
They're like, your daughter knows Nick Cannon.
Right.
Yeah, so I fucking upped his game.
You upped his, you gave him street cred.
His daughter, his pale-y white buffalo bitch, Dada,
is funny as shit.
That's right.
It's kinda cool, man.
It's kinda cool.
Yeah, that's great because your dad's seeing you,
I'm sure he was nervous at first,
that it's like, oh, she's going in,
not because of the show, because you-
Well, just doing comedy.
Just doing comedy, yeah.
Going comedy, being in New York, you had a job.
I know.
And then all of a sudden you're on this show,
which is fucking crazy.
Oh, and when you film a show like that,
it doesn't come out for like nine months.
I know, that's the worst part about it.
I think it'll be good.
That's the worst part about it.
And you start questioning how good it was.
When we're doing a show is that you film it,
people don't see it for like nine months to a year.
I know.
So you know something's coming out.
Like I remember when I did Tourgasm, I knew it was gonna be on HBO for a year. So you know something's coming out. Like I remember when I did Torgasm,
I knew it was gonna be on HBO for a year.
So I'm sitting there and people are fucking with me,
calling me, you know, fuck, dude, you ain't doing shit,
blah, blah, blah, like trashing things.
But in my head I'm like, I'm gonna be on HBO.
I'm gonna come on after the surprise.
In a year.
And I just gotta keep it in. Yes, Yeah. All right. Here it is right here
This is him. Oh, yeah, put you turn it up
Play pause it
You fucking idiot my god volume you gotta yell at him. That's the only way your response
His mom told me yelled him like a puppy
Try and help whatever they compare with us could not be well brought them put in so much work I could probably LLC myself. I'm talking
All right, that was the same one go to the next one see like okay
Think I give a fuck about a few stats you out here worried about getting recognized dog my whole country try and do that See, like, okay, so... in China you can't play with me I've been the leaves glasses long hair already they be hating
Z still over 30 leaves all around the country and I stay the G light bulb in the fridge ain't no
one ever changing me so this is some coke. Whoa. Here's the thing with these though he'll repeat his last line once they
break in is that a thing? Yeah. I'm so white I'm like did he forget his lines?
break in. Is that a thing? Yeah. I'm so white. I'm like, I didn't forget his line. We repeat a joke.
Everyone has different styles. What's his name? What's the,
what is it? What is it? Z the dropout. Danny Z the dropout.
Yeah. Make sure you check him out. He's, he's the best. He was
so fun. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy stuff. Crazy. But you have
to do it funny, which adds a whole other element. Yeah.
Because if you just did that shit, just mean shit.
Yeah, it doesn't fly as much.
It doesn't fly as much.
Or you should do that one.
Or just like, just like, like a po- you have to be like goofy and mean.
Goofy and mean.
Yeah.
Like the goofiest stuff gets the biggest laughs.
You gotta get a laugh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, are you gonna, are you gonna just keep doing this until they tell you not to do it?
I don't know. Or you got something else? What else you got going doing this until they tell you not to do it? I don't know.
Or you got something else?
What else you got going on?
I feel like you got something else happening.
I, really?
You got something else, yeah.
Really, freaking don't.
You have nothing?
People have been, well, I'm touring right now.
Why are you starting to eat?
Why are you starting to binge eat again?
You nervous?
Yeah, I'm getting nervous.
Come on, don't get the little chubby girl from college back.
It's okay, you're doing good.
What do I have going on?
Maybe a movie, I don't know. Are's okay, you're doing good. What do I have going on?
Maybe a movie, I don't know. Are you selling, you must be selling out.
I just, so after my fifth season of Wild and Out came out,
that's when I started seeing sick tickets go up.
Yeah, so now you're making money.
Yeah, now I'm like, road.
Are you living?
That's what's going on.
Yeah.
Road stuff.
Road stuff, so you do the show and then you go on the road.
Yeah. Right, do you have any show, like a sitcom or stuff, so you do the show and then you go on the road. Yeah.
Right, do you have any show, like a sitcom
or you ever wanna do anything else?
No, I just started a podcast, so.
What's the podcast name?
It's called Mad House.
And what is it about?
It's just me hanging with my friends,
talking about everything.
Various friends, comedian friends or just?
My friend Caroline, who is like my best friend,
she's a producer, and then every episode we'll have a guest.
Right.
Tomorrow we have Lisa Ann.
Oh, Lisa Ann.
Yeah.
From Sirius.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she's great.
And sex.
And sex, and porn, yes.
From that thing I watch.
Yeah.
From that gang bang.
I don't recognize her.
So yeah, I'm kind of new to that whole.
Podcasting thing?
That whole world and stuff like that.
So maybe that, and maybe try to work on
like a late night set or something.
You wanna do late night?
Yeah. Really?
Yeah, maybe, yeah.
I think it's like fun and old school.
You should be on TV.
You have a crazy energy.
I know.
Don't yell at me.
I'm trying to help.
I'm sorry.
I feel like I have great energy and I'm so cool and funny.
But I don't know, maybe like the white people
don't watch Wild'n Out. No, we don't. Right. We don't. I don't know, maybe like the white people don't watch Wild N Out.
No, we don't.
Right.
We don't.
I don't think, it's weird, a lot of people
don't watch MTV Wild N Out.
It's a kid thing.
Yes, I know a lot of my followers
are like high school, college kids.
You're on a kid show.
So it's, you know what I mean?
I know, yeah.
So it's a weird thing to, you know,
you know, your show's gonna be kids going fucking crazy. Now is it all
kinds of kids or is it black kids or is it white kids?
At my shows?
Yeah.
A lot of actually my shows are older people who are both are fans of me from just social
media and Wildin' Out because it's been on so long.
Right.
They're like, I know Wildin' Out. I'll be there.
Is that one of them?
Yeah.
OK.
Is that a character you're working on?
That's my character called a fan of Maddie Smith.
Oh, fan of Maddie Smith.
Can I hear him again?
I love Wildin' Out.
I love you on Wildin' Out.
Can I take a photo with your fatty?
So he starts out slow and then gets fast at the end.
Yeah.
You look good tonight. I come from the same town you did. That was because I was getting
nervous. Right. Yes. That is what's happening. Yeah so my crowds are pretty, yeah just diverse mix of people who like the wild and out clips.
I mean, Danny's seen my crowds, although was that at the stress factory?
That was at stress factory. That wasn't necessarily your crowd, I don't think.
Yeah, thanks. Was it a weird night?
Never mind. You crushed.
But it was a lot of old Italians in New Jersey.
Oh, we have questions for her.
We have questions for the Patreon.
Oh, cool.
I'm nervous.
Danny, can you ask these questions?
So we haven't, it's been a little bit since we've had a black woman on as a guest.
Yeah, we haven't had a black lady on.
We wondered if you could-
We have questions for a black woman and because you were on Wild N Out, we thought that we could ask you.
Yeah, you said it's been a while.
I was like, I know why you asked me.
Yeah, we can ask.
I am a black woman.
If we could ask you to answer these questions.
Yes, as a black woman.
Yeah.
As a black woman, why do you hate it so much when people
I'm going to answer the questions.
I just need you to finish the first part.
Thank you, Danny.
Do I look like Michelle Obama?
Danny, why don't you come over and sit down, Danny?
Danny, come over here.
Oh, really?
No?
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Do I look like Michelle Obama?
Yeah, your half body does.
It's a lower half.
I just want you to see something right now.
Oh, my god.
Do you see how quick he did come over here to replace me?
He would replace me in five seconds.
Right.
Do you understand that?
All right, listen.
Abracadabra, beat it.
Bye, oh my God.
He's just stupid.
I love, I literally love these guys so much,
but he is, come over here and take over for me.
Okay, not a problem.
Okay.
He'd probably do a way better job.
Okay.
Why do you like rap? Not a problem. Okay. He'd probably do a way better job. Okay.
Why do you like rap?
You like future Drake Betty.
Alright, you can ask the first one, Danny.
Go ahead.
Why do you hate it so much when people touch your hair?
Oh, I'm being a black woman?
Or am I?
You're a black woman.
Am I being a black woman?
We know white people, white women love their hair touched.
I know, like I feel so good.
Can you actually braid it?
I like it.
Fucking crazy.
We hate it because your hands are greasy.
You a R&B star?
Yeah, I'll answer as if I'm...
Aretha Franklin?
Yeah.
What you want?
Okay, that's great.
Baby, I got it.
Because you don't give us any R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
It's a sign of disrespect.
How many inches is too many?
Um, cock wise or fruit by the foot?
Cock wise?
Yeah, stop saying, stop saying it.
Stop saying cock wise?
Yeah, stop saying it.
Cock wise!
Yeah, you stay there and you're making it not sexy.
Cock wise! As you get old, you're making it not sexy. Clockwise.
As you get, oh, you're an old white woman.
Clockwise.
Clockwise.
Clockwise, I'd say eight plus.
Eight plus is too much.
Yeah, right?
I thought, I would say five and a half.
Oh.
That would be too much.
So loose.
Yeah, I always like, what is this?
How long is this, do you think?
That's six. Okay, so yeah, I would say like, what is this? How long is this? You think that's a six.
OK, so yeah, I would say like seven plus is too much. Seven plus is too much. Yeah, I'm with that.
But I also don't do thin dicks. Don't call.
I'm sorry. What did you say to me?
Thin dicks. There's a thin dick out there.
Yeah. Really?
What's thin?
Um, like needle dick like like that.
Yeah, like like this. I'd say like that, like like that. Yeah. OK, So three of the five people in this room are out.
Including yourself.
A water bottle is eight inches.
Eight inches.
I think I might be eight inches.
This is big.
What are you laughing at?
I don't like that you guys all laughed thinking that you know
my dick size.
You've never seen my dick.
You don't even know what dick I have. You don't like that you guys all laughed thinking
that you know my dick size.
You've never seen my dick.
You don't even know what dick I have.
All right, so whatever.
I don't know.
This is like pretty big though.
That's too big.
Yeah.
Too wide.
Yes, too wide.
Did you just sneak a snack?
Yeah.
All right, white people be crazy.
That's when tears spur out of your eyes when he enters you. Would you just sneak a snack? Yeah. All right. White people would be crazy.
That's when tears spur out of your eyes when he enters you.
And you're like...
White people would be crazy.
Yes.
Okay.
I think so, right?
I think so.
I think like after I got on Wild'n Out, I realized you can be supportive of each other.
And it's a very like more supportive environment than what I was used to in comedy.
What, black people?
Yeah.
They're like, I see you.
What do you mean?
They keep crushing it.
They're like, you're crushing it.
Oh, no shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think black, I mean, in the comedy world,
black comics are totally cooler and friendlier.
Yeah.
And less, I don't know what it is.
Yeah, they, what's up, man? What's going is. Yeah, they, what's up man?
What's going on?
Hey Bobby, what's up?
I don't know, they have respect and they're cool.
I mean, yeah.
White dudes have like insecurities.
Black guys don't have that insecurity thing.
They're cool already.
Yeah.
What's up man?
Cause they have big black hips.
Yeah, of course they're even cooler.
I had a white dude ask me if I was embarrassed
to be on Wild N Out.
Why?
Because it's like, like you said, like a kid's show
or like not real stand up.
Yeah, but it's a toy.
And when I got back from Wild N Out,
every black comic in the city was like,
Wild N, Wild N.
Yeah.
They were like, you're on a different level now.
Oh, they're so different.
So they think it's a, they think,
they thought it was a silly show.
Yeah, and they're like purist mentality of. Look, it's a silly show think, they thought it was a silly show. Yeah. And they're like purest mentality of look, it's, it's,
it's a silly show, but that's what it is. Who gives a fuck?
It has funny moments too. It has really fun. I've, I've watched
a couple episodes here and there. I'm not a, I don't
fucking, I don't fucking record it. You're not Tivoing wild.
I don't, I don't get my dinner ready. I don't get my dinner ready. I'm like, why? I don't get my, ha.
I don't get my dinner ready and sit down and go, okay.
Yo, what's up?
And then I take the first bite.
Red team's winning, cause I be cheating.
Yeah, it's not, you know, like, you know, below zero.
Everyone's so serious.
It's, yeah, fuck it, fuck that.
Fuck that.
It's a funny, stupid, crazy, silly show
and you get to be mean to people and have fun with them.
Yeah, and it's high stakes.
Right.
You bomb, you're done.
Dude, and the crickets in that room.
You fucking bomb and that airs?
Yeah.
You're finito.
It's over.
I've seen people bomb, they fly them home the next day.
No, fuck you.
Famous people or not?
No.
Just regular.
I wanna be new cast members.
Comedians or just regular?
Yeah, comedians.
And they're still doing comedy?
No, not really.
One of them had a baby.
The other one shifted to acting.
So one was a girl?
Yes.
Look it up, Danny.
Well, one had a baby with his girl.
The other one had a, anyway.
Look it up.
He's too slow.
He won't get it in the next hour.
He's actually looking up in his eyelids.
Yeah.
What am I supposed to be looking at?
Anyways, listen, I'm so excited that you came on
and I'm also, I'm serious.
I was like, shit, I don't know how you're gonna be.
I know we never really hung out before.
No, you're hilarious.
Yeah, thanks.
I hope I see you more.
You gotta come back on again.
I'm always down.
Come down on. I'm always down. I'm always at the cellar. I'm always at the stand.. You gotta come back on again. I'm always down. Come down on.
I'm always down.
I'm always at the cellar.
I'm always at the stand.
Yeah, you come back on.
Come on for maybe on with somebody else.
Yeah, be fun.
We'll do like a threesome.
Yes, I was waiting for you to ask.
Waiting.
Okay, never have I ever had a threesome.
Can you believe that?
You never did? Never.
It's fun, but it's stupid after a couple minutes.
Yeah, that's like honestly sex in general.
Yeah, cause you don't know what to do.
I've had a threesome, me, my friend and a girl.
I've never, I had one threesome,
there was this girl I was dating.
She was so pretty, short blonde hair.
Just so, I love short hair.
And just everything, perfect.
But there was just something,
she always smelled like mothballs.
And it just, it was like, she was perfect,
but then she smelled like old ghost pussy.
And I really liked her,
but one time she brought Mil to the night.
It's weird because it happened on a night
with this other girl who I really liked
was going to the Coast Guard.
Smoking hot chick, type of chick who drove a Jeep,
loved animals, beautiful hair, big fucking,
I mean just that slammin' natural body.
And she came over and she said, I'm leaving.
And she always led me on and all that shit.
What the fuck?
There's a bug in here.
It's probably her.
She probably died, came back as a bug.
And she came over and just banged me out.
I mean, she banged me.
She dicked you down.
And she dicked me down.
She's leaving for the coast.
And I was like, oh my, and I,
god damn it, dude, I love this girl.
And she left.
So I'm hanging out.
It's the best night of my life.
She's leaving.
You're a dick smoking a ciggy.
I fucking, yeah, right.
So cut to, oh, my wife just texted me. Is she listening? Shit. Oh, you're talking about? She justgy. I fucking, yeah right. So cut to, oh my wife just texted me,
is she listening?
Shit.
Who you talking about?
She just sent me a picture of my kid.
Great, that's perfect.
Anyways.
Oops.
Hey son.
So two in the morning, maybe even later,
my doorbell rings, I always with this other girl,
we joked around about it,
she shows up with this Italian girl.
What? Big nose, which I love.
I love big noses.
I love big noses.
Big gazoobs.
Little bubble Italian curly hair.
She shows up with her.
Hey, what's up?
She's looking at me like,
kinda like it's happening pussy.
Right, right.
Oh my God.
She knows what she's doing.
She's pimping this girl out to me.
She's like, we're doing it, puss whack.
She comes up, we all start going, ah.
And I'm-
Clothes off?
Well, their clothes are on, starting to come off,
boobs are out, fingers are in a butt over here.
I'm in a butt, I'm in a butt.
And no, like, oh, no, don't.
Just in the butt.
On the new girl.
Other girl, I'm on it, but the new girl is so much harder.
I'm like, I never, I'm like, oh.
And I'm like, oh, and then I literally, she,
I put my finger, and we stopped making out.
I bumped the other girl I know off the bed.
She hits her head on my futon post.
Oh no.
And you hear, you see it like a, like that.
We didn't acknowledge it.
Oh my God, what happened?
Is this real?
This is real.
So we just start making out.
I heard it, but I thought,
I didn't know it was us bumping her off.
She comes back, what the fuck?
When I said I didn't have a threesome,
this is why, because this is what would happen.
She had an ice pack on her head.
Oh my God.
She went to my fridge and got ice
and put it in a paper towel and wrapped it up.
She goes, I'm leaving.
And her friend was like, I've got to go too, I guess. Oh, no.
Literally just walks out as my finger comes out of her butt.
I'm like, no.
Didn't even make a sound.
I can still smell it.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. I'm like, no! Yeah. Didn't even make a sound.
I can still smell it.
I'm leaving.
Yeah, so it was, it's never been.
It's too many personalities.
Yeah, it's too weird, I guess.
But we can try it. Why don't we try one with the three tizzies?
See what happens.
Yes.
But anyways, you
absolutely come back. How did we get on this, you fucking maniac?
I don't know.
I think you brought up a threesome.
I brought up a threesome.
No, we'll do a threesome.
Yeah, stick to Black Guys.
OK.
Yeah.
You know, I was on Raya for a second, that app for-
Fucking stupidest thing ever.
Stupidest thing ever.
Everyone on there has their head shots,
has their profile.
As a comedian, you can only be the drama.
There's one drama mama. it has to be you.
It has to be you.
It has to be you.
You can't be with somebody like you.
You'd fucking kill them.
I know.
You need to come home and be your fucking weird,
goofy, fucking Laura Ingalls crazy shit.
Yeah.
And some dude would be like, what's up babe?
Chill out.
You want dinner?
Some fucking gym guy.
Is that what you're dating?
Gym guy?
No, what would be cool to date a gym guy?
I hope he doesn't listen to this. All right, what do you got to plug? I'm just looking around, you know what I mean? Is that where you're dating, Gym Guy? No, but it'd be cool to date a Gym Guy. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Hope he doesn't listen to this.
All right, what do you got to plug?
I'm just looking around, you know what I mean?
We got your website right here.
Maddie Smith.
Oh yes, so all summer we're coming out.
Look at you.
We're coming to freaking.
Look at you.
Oh, Dallas, Chicago, Wilmington.
And then I'm taking off all of August, so don't call.
Louisville, Kentucky.
You gave your fans your phone number to call you?
No, I was just kind of like.
I mean, you're somewhere every week.
Omaha, Nebraska.
You're at a different place every night though.
It doesn't seem like you're a one.
And then I'm opening for Eliza in August.
I forgot about that.
Eliza.
Scheslinger.
Oh cool, that's great.
So that's my summer come out
and I don't know, Instagram and stuff.
I post every so often.
That's awesome.
When I freaking feel like it. Well, it's good. I hope to see you again. Me too. I'm gonna follow know, Instagram and stuff, I post every so often when I freaking feel like it.
Well, it's good.
I hope to see you again.
Me too.
I'm gonna follow you on Instagram and all that shit.
I already follow you.
Come back on.
We're gonna do, right now, we're gonna do questions
from the Patreon fans.
We're gonna go there for a minute.
Okay.
We're gonna go to Patreon right now,
but we're gonna give the guys the plugs.
I'm gonna do my plugs.
Go to RobertKellyLive.com.
Just go to PunchUp.live slash Robert Kelly. I'm gonna be in Timonium, and then I take gonna do my plugs. Go to robertkellylive.com, just go to punchup.live slash robertkellylive.
I'm gonna be in Timonium,
and then I take the whole summer off Portsmouth,
and I'm doing the Melanie tent with the regs
on the 15th of August, I believe,
and we're doing the Gramercy regs,
which is actually a podcast.
The other one's a show.
When is that?
Gramercy Theater's July 10th.
July 10th, so I'm doing a few shows
this summer and then I'm shutting it down. Of course I'm always doing the Bonfire with
Big Jay Ocasin, the great Big Jay Ocasin on SiriusXM 103 Faction Talk. And check out the
Bone to Pick podcast. I do a Paul Verzi and the regs. You can go there. Guys, what do
you got? Max Marcus Comedy, all social media. Follow me on Instagram at Danny breath and come to comedy at verb the third Thursday of every month.
And Joe jokes Russell on Instagram watch the cheese show and Mike feast wars on Instagram.
Awesome. Check those guys out.
Very, very funny guy.
Everybody killed tonight on the show.
Joke Russell's killed Danny killed mush killed.
It was a great show over there.
Check me out every Tuesday night at the pussycat lounge
At seven o'clock seven to eight one of these knuckleheads are not two or three will be with me when I'm there
We're gonna go to patreon right now if you want to do that you can go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly
We're gonna hang around with her for a little more ask us some questions
So if you want to be part of the show support the show go there and sign up if not go to YouTube
It's on there and make sure you click like, go to YouTube, it's on there,
and make sure you click like, subscribe,
and all that shit, get in the comments.
And on everything, Apple, Spotify, we are up there.
Make sure you click on that five star,
that get us up in the top 200, everything helps.
We'll see you guys next week on,
you know what, dude, podcast.