Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD | Best of 2023

Episode Date: December 31, 2023

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Void and Ontario eligibility and deposit restrictions apply. One per often in new customers. Five dollar wage requires max $100 casino credits or one which requires one time to play through within seven days. Terms at casino.graphkings.com slash holiday on the house. Restrictions apply. I think you will like my book because I cover the I cover the nature of the the 70s and the 80s in terms of the lifestyle. Kids were afforded.

Like there was a point where my mom was working at a hallmark store at the North Shore shopping center. Yeah. And she couldn't afford a babysitter. So she would just bring me and let me wander around the mall. Yeah. For five hours on a company but I made friends with the teens who worked at Orange Julius. They'd

give me free hot dogs and free free Julius's and then the kid who worked at the record store was a neighbor so he'd let me thumb through the things and he'd play whatever I wanted to do. It was it was called music land. It was right next to Sears and next to bookends where they had a bookstore. I could go in and look at books online. It really, it really, it was kind of like my internet and that I got to listen to a lot of music and read a lot of magazines and stuff like that. And then I'd browse the, our equivalent of Amazon was just going to the Toys or Us and browsing and looking and you could play with certain things. Then you could go down to Sears and they had the Atari and the Intellivision set up and they'd you can play with certain things. Then you could go down to Sears and they had the Atari

and the Intellivision set up and they'd let you play for about 45 minutes before they'd kick you out and then you could sit on the riding lawn mowers. There was also a shop where they sold the pianos in organs and I'd go in there. That was like my show. Sears in Roboc? No, Sears in Roboc was there.

But that's where I could sit on the riding mowers and play the Atari, but it was called Scotty, Piano, and Oregon, and this guy and his two sons ran it, and they'd listen, they'd play a medley for you, knock you on your ass. These guys were great with the with the organs and piano,. So I was getting a great education. I remember the guy who worked at the piano place, he took me for an ice cream at the Baskin Robbins and he wanted nothing more. He just wanted to take me for an ice cream.

He didn't want me to give me any kid sex? No, there was no obligation on my end and he didn't even hint at anything. It was just... You were trying to go to second place. And I know it's like, Pollyanna, whatever, that everything was fine, but I think the idea of kids were about to be

kidnapped at any moment was overstated. I think we were pretty safe, and there was kind of an understanding that you looked out for each other's kids. I think back then, absolutely, because I remember going to the park by myself. Me too. I remember there was a torrential rain in a place dead park

and that a little river that way, it was a sword rain. It was the sewer. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I keep lying in it, me and Chris Brotcher, of course. And it was a fucking flood going into a sort. It was shit water from the source. And we would just play it. Yeah, yeah.

And no parents were down there. Had no idea. I'm out. I'll see you later. Yeah. And now like Max left, came back with tuberculosis. Max, Max came the other day and he goes to his mom. These kids showed up for the first time. Kids on bikes from his school. Wow. And they were like, they wanted to go to the high school

and drive around. And Dom was like, I don't know what to do. I go, let him. to do. I go, let him. I go, Don, I was jumping roof to roof when I was five in downtown West Method, roof to roof. Yeah. Fucking jumping. Yeah. I go, let him go. What's he, does he not ride a bike? Yes. Does he know how to not get, look, both ways when we've caught him. Everything. No. If you don't let him go right now, you're gonna get, you're not, his responsibility he has, he's not gonna have it. He's gonna feel, he's gonna go to you for everything. Right.

Let him go. Right. And how much of you do you see in him? A lot. Yeah, I gotta be careful. Okay. I gotta be careful. Okay. I Gotta be careful not to give him um I gotta be careful not to go you're so awesome. You're so great. I

Gotta be careful. I don't want to I want to be like man. You did good. How do you feel about it? You know what I mean? You feel yeah, I gotta be very careful with the way I do it because I don't want to I Don't want to be too over the top. You're so awesome, you're doing good. I want him to fucking have a realistic view. The things that are important to me, common sense, compassion, love, and don't lie. Yeah, don't lie, that's great. I go, just please don't lie to me.

Because if you come to me, you'll be able to tell me anything. You'll be able to tell me anything. Yeah, you'll be able to tell me anything you do and I'll know you're not Lianzman I'll be able to help you and help and I'll always have you back if you lie to me and I you lose that trust It's gonna be it's not something you just give back Everything's gonna be a question after that, but you can come to me with anything. Always tell me the truth, no matter what. And, you know, common sense is a big thing too. But, and love. I think love is one of the biggest things. I try to tell Dawn, I like, we're trying. And we have nobody helping us. It's not the 50s where your dad's like,

well, did you talk to him? I can't go to a front porch. Right. And go, dad, I had it. Well, you know something. When I, when you were a kid, remember when I, yeah, I don't have those times.

Right. So it's, you know, I want him to, like, I remember when I was up on the roof. There's a, can I come up? I was like, yeah. Don't I was like, beat. I was like, yes.

Don. Yeah. Cause I know other guys who would never let their kids do that. Right. We were up in the Hampshire this weekend, up at the tiny house. Yeah. And up there they have these fucking old time stores that are still there

These are places before Walmart was up there. This is where you went the original what Walmart is now these little barns Old houses with stores and they have everything from a little I Joe to damn to find though Can I tell you about a really cute place? And I don't might be in Georgetown Mass or whatever, but it was like a, who knows how old it is, but it felt old. And what it had was, it had a store that sold milk. Yeah. And then for some reason right next door, it had another place that sold sort of artisan

milk like milk that, I don't know how it'd been pasteurized. And then there was a lemonade stand. And then around the corner from that was a place that made fudge. So it was milk lemonade. And then round the corner, they made fudge. And there was a counter where you could buy the fudge But also it was a factory it was a fact

I'm sorry. No, it's just fucking great. That idea never gets a very good setup and I thought I could really backdoor it. Because I built up so much trust over the over the years it's a really long con oh my god there's no way Gary's going for a diarrhea and and and and and Peepy joke and then he did you got me dude you happy I was I was trying to remember the store. Is that a limb field? Yeah baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back, you know what, dude? Live. Welcome everybody to the show.

YKW. I started social media podcast. YKW. YKW did broadcast YKW did back again Home school back in the day We're all starting before them all YKW did broadcast is so fun and crazy And there's no rules Shut up, you ruining this

Burn the ball, damn it man I'm so sorry It's a comedy podcast This is an NPR That's the Tuck-Up done Is there any better show? This is the original Original The Tarkandas. Is there any better show? This is the original picture. I don't know. Oh, that's such a weird way to react to that.

That's literally the way your husband reacted when your kid went missing. He's gone. He texted me. I'm sorry. Why did you say that? I lost my kid on vacation. So, let's- Where? I was at the Bahamas. So, let's, where?

I was at the Bahamas, he was on the water slides with my daughter and she came out and she goes, I don't know where he is. Oh, he's a teenager. He's a teenager. How old are you the guy I am? I'm just wondering. You didn't lose a child.

I, you didn't lose a baby. I didn't like miscarry. I mean, awful. Hey, you guys see the lazy rivers all red? It's like the Nile. I think Moses did something. My child went missing. Could you describe it kind of blobby red?

That Jew brought out of miscarriage in the lazy rivers. Shungs. Oh, yeah. So, no, how old? He's seven and she's nine. You lost a seven-year-old? Yeah, except when Nicole told me this story, she said the nine-year-old He's seven and she's nine. You lost a seven year old? Yeah. Except when Nicole told me this story,

she said the nine year old lost a seven year old. Well, it was her fault. I can't don't fucking lead her way. I can't leave this. Don't leave him. And then she comes out and she'll go, where he is. And he lost him for an hour. I thought it was like a date line episode.

Where, where, because you're Lances in the Bahamas. I was just there a week and a half ago. It's fun. Did you hold on to your kid? Of course I did. You didn't lose him? Of no. Well, that's what Matt wrote.

I was like, oh, it's fine. And that's funny that I brought up the laser room. Because that went my little story about the miscarriage. Yeah. That was the lazy river that I was. Didn't see any blood or chunks of blood. No, nobody gave a miscarriage. But you were thinking about the Atlanta's lazy river?

That's where I was talking this. That's the lazy river. Yeah, I, he texted me. He's gone. He's gone. Wait a Yeah, I he texted me. He's gone. He's gone. Wait a minute. Your husband texted you. He's gone because he went to go with her to go find him. And then I got a text he's gone.

And what and did you say who's he? No, you knew who it was. I knew. Really? Yeah. So what did you say to your husband? What the fuck? And what did he say back?

Find him and you said no, you find him. Oh, you say you guys you were so you guys You guys in joint forces you separated forces Right. Is he Italian? What is he? He's our god. Yeah, I'm Irish Catholic too. Yeah, oh good. I like him. I like him already No, it was scary. It would like legit was scary. Well you running around calling his name like a lunatic. Yes, what's his name? Keegan keegan. What a shitty name to yell out because people going what is she saying? She's going kegels. She's doing kegels She's doing kiggles. No, no, no, Niggas.

Kiggles. Kiggen. Kiggen. Keep it. She just say racist. Niggas, I'm walking dev. She's saying, are these slurs? She's saying, yeah.

She's called that guy a Kiggen. Is that it? What's a Kig, keep it? And like the lady at the, at the, at the, uh, like, Lawson found office because they have a Lawson found office. Four children. No, they don't.

She goes, we this happens 30 times a day. You're fine. I was like, I, unless someone sold him into, as a sex slave. Come on, when you're on the islands, everybody's cool, man. Yeah, on the islands, they don't keep them. They give them back. Do they? That's catch or release sex.

Oh, no. Yeah, it's like a day or two, and then they go back to your mom, boy, when they come back with the hairbraded. That's right. Pretty lady. Yeah. No. So, so he's right. Pretty lady. Yeah. No.

So he's gone. Are you running around yelling his name? Yeah, but I also sort of was like, I know we'll find them. Then Panic said in, and I just let Matt take over because. What did you do? Just crying aloud, sharing on an umbrella?

Drinking. Oh, really? That's good. I mean. So if you did find him, and he needed, like, help, you'd be shit-faced. I don't know if this is you. He's not breathing. I'm gonna throw up on his mouth

Well, you gotta get him. He gotta give mouth to mouth. Yeah, don't deconstruct my jokes It is mouth. I'm not doing that the locals are doing that to my kid. I'm not doing that I'm on vacation. It's called an APB, a BB all points bulletin. It's called an ACT and AVT. AT what is it? ATM. ATM. You know the ATM get money. Give it to the locals. They give you a kid back. When we it's a hostage situation. It's a hostage. When we found it, it's not it's not Rio de Janeiro. I mean, you're you're out of you're on a fucking island with a bunch of fat old white people Well, put out an ATM at old white people so much trash there man. I let me tell you something

You know, yeah, it's a type the type of trash that loses their kid drinking So many fucked up people here. Have you seen my kid, I need another drink. I'm gonna listen, when you find him, I'll be in the lazy river, and I think I'm gonna take a nap. So were you buzzing when he was missing? So that must have fucked you up. Well, like it's sobering,

and then I was like, I gotta suck a little bit more down, because I do, I was like, Wait a minute. What? She was losing her buzz because she lost her kid. No, I don't. You got it, you know. It was a buzz kill. Yeah, it's what it's she was losing her buzz because she lost her kid. No, you got it You know, there's a buzzkill. Yeah, yeah, horrible coping mechanism

Nicole fans working out with me for years now. It's not you're not getting anywhere. No, no But it's fun to observe Nicole Nicole when you can't when you you're a great mom She is a great mom by the way, and by the way, this is a wildest part. Like she actually is a great mom. Sure. The kids are like wonderful people. Yes.

And you don't understand how it's possible. No, I'll tell you alcohol. Listen, right? Hey, where's fucking, where is he? What's his name? He's gone, right? Keegan. Keegan. Keegan. Where are you at?

She can't whistle. When he got back and I was like, where were you? He goes, well, I was in this arcade. No, actually, he was in a casino. This is, this is, oh, that's cute. This is the best part. He won a thousand dollars. It's seriously. She said the first thing. You remember the first thing that he said is seven. Yeah. Yeah. When he answer is like. She said the first thing, you remember the first thing that he said is seven. Yeah. When he saw his family. Yeah.

He didn't dump any. It was gonna make me sad. Don't make me cry. First thing we saw is family, seven years old. Oh, what? What the fuck? Fuck, I like this kid. Right?

I mean, this kid is gonna be fine. I even get mad at him because he's right. What the fuck? What the fuck? Wait a minute. What the fuck? How? I don't know how to listen.

I was with my kid on a cruise, and I was with my kid all day at Atlanta, same exact place. Okay? And not one second of it was he out of my sight. Okay, but like, hang on, let me get there. Okay. How with Tueia, right? How did he, how old is he? He's seven get there. Okay. How with Zoya, right? How did he?

How old is he? He's seven seven. Yeah, how He's in New York City seven so okay was that 15 Cleveland 15 What is a little more independent? What's a new? I don't know. I feel like how in debate? He's seven. I don't know. He knows some shitty probably shouldn't know what seven. I just feel like New York is a kid from the block.

Apparently knows Crap's because he was in the casino. He was like seven. My number. He comes back. What the fuck is got a handful again? Yeah, you should all kinds of free shipping. You can see, you know, like a drink thing, a vest that has a lanterns on it. So I'm gonna tell you this too.

Here's the thing, where the water park is. I don't know, you've been there? Yeah, okay. It's a mile. It is. It's so far away to get to the casino. I got, I had to ask four people, hey, where did you get the, oh, it's up there over there. I'll go up there, pass the fucking stingrays over there, pass the sand sharks. Go under the, it's nuts. How did a seven-year-old

go from the water? I'll tell you. How do you go missing? He went up on, I said the kids could go. We're like, we're, we're taking mommy's daddy time. We're gonna just like, you know, how old you're the kids? Stop. How How old are the kids? She's nine. Okay, New York City nine. A New York City nine. I'm sorry, Cleveland 17. Go ahead. I said, you guys don't leave each other side,

you can go, you know where, how to get right back to this pool. Right. You can go right there. He got it to the top. He's a fucking pussy. He wouldn't go down this one side. Apparently not, he left you for hours

and went to a casino. She said, she said, meet me at the bottom of the sky. Got a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He will. Wait, does it? You had a nine-year-old? Yeah, she's fucking take care of a seven-year-old. But there's 16 combined.

I know. Correct. So it's okay. They should have been fun. You can leave a 16-year-old. Yeah, they should have started their own business on the island. Absolutely. Yeah, like a startup.

I used to play a game with my friend called Ding Dong. Uh-oh. Joe, I love you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So much. Yeah. I love that he's slowly letting it all out. Look at, he's leaving because he jerks somebody off.

He's uncomfortable. He's running to the bathroom. He's running back to the room. What's Ding Dong? So Ding Dong is me and my buddy would play it. We were about six. One of us would lay on the couch. The other one would walk up and go, Ding Dong,

like he was ringing the doorbell. You'd get off the couch, you'd answer the door, you go, hi, you're my date. And then we would both lay on the couch together. This is the game story yet. This is way gair than the grand-saint. This is insane. This is exactly the same. You can start with this show.

This is the gair thing I've ever heard. I hate to say it. Sex with it. You can swallow. You can swallow. You can swallow. This is so gay. You can swallow it from the hop.

I wanna give you a sec. You guys molested each other. That's so insane. Ding dong. You're role playing. You're molested by a sexualed. You're role playing with a 13-year-old fucking short graphic. That's terrific. We never talk each other.

We just tell each other, but with full boners. What the fuck? Dude. It's game. That is fucking. I didn't say it wasn't. Oh my god. What is this?

The play rent? Dude, that is... I told that joke! That's a ding dong! You're acting shit out? And the act! Next gangfest, we're going to do that. Next year we're playing Ding Dong on stage.

Yeah! The Ding Dong tent. Wait, why do we got gotta wait till next year? Why do we do it right now? Good. I'm gonna chase him right now. Oh, the other way I'm getting hard is you bring the colon here. Yeah, hell yeah.

We should play one round the Ding Dong. Let's go! Let's fucking go. Are you Tommy right now? Go ahead. It's fucking like Ding Dong with you. Let's go. So, I'm trying to think who would it be easier for you to play?

He's the top. What are the characters? What are the characters? What are the characters? That hurt you fucking guinea. Who are the characters? We never gave them names. We didn't write back stories.

Who am I fucking? Samuel Jackson. I need your problem right now. We didn't write back stories for it. Oh my, fuck it. Samuel Jackson. That's your problem, right? No, there's the date and the person whose home it is. I can't believe I'm doing this. Come on, you. There's nowhere to lay though.

Yeah, there is. Lay down. Lay down. No, not laying down. What are you going to play ding dong? I thought you were a man. You can't play ding dong? No, you got to fucking lay down.

Dink Dung's a lot of Dung. Come on, lay down right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not gonna hold. That's not gonna hold. That's not gonna hold. That's not gonna hold. It's not me playing the game.

It's not me playing the game. It was gonna lay out. It was gonna break. Oh, you're both laying down. Yeah. What the fuck? What did you say? I'll show you.

Hold on. Do it standing up. Go ahead. I'll show you. Watch okay listen ding dong ding dong is the thing done when the penis is touch The sound of the doorbell. Oh, okay. I don't get the point. It was a very layered game Yeah All right, I'm gonna be the date Okay, no you're the date. So Can I be can I be the folly guy doing the work the ding dong? So what are you gonna do the ding dong? So this is a

I'm gonna go over here with the fucking straight mark. Yeah, there you go. You and your boys are having it. How do you win this? I don't get it. Whoever comes first I gotta be honest markets the kind of game where everybody's a winner How do you win this? I don't get it. Whoever comes first. I guess so. I gotta be honest, markets, the kind of game where everybody's a winner. Alright. Accept me. So, you're coming to my house. You're the date just walk up and go ding dong.

Alright. I really mean it, Tommy. I want you to really bring it. I really get into this tea. Now pretend this is a love seat and I'd be laying like this. Okay. I'll be good. All right Tom, here we go. Tommy. Tommy, what are you pushing deep down inside of you? Jesus Christ. I'm pushing down the ding. Just after that, it was a swirpy. Do you think this is fucking easy joke? There's a room full of guys. Well, he's bustin' my balls.

He's like, just come up here and lay down, be gay. Fun to fuckin' 300 strangers. What are you hiding? So fucking easy, Joe. Ding-dong! No, no, no! It's too aggressive. All right. All right.

It's too aggressive. Is there a ring camera? Is that bar? It's the 90s. Oh, it's the 90s. Okay, okay. That was the 80s. Oh, shit.

All right, I'll see you, Dad. You pick me up at like three. Have a nice son. Tommy. Don't forget. Don't forget. I'm going to be a little bit more patient. I'm going to be a little bit more patient.

I'm going to be a little bit more patient. I'm going to be a little bit more patient. I'm going to be a little bit more patient. I'm going to be a little bit more patient. I'm going to be a little bit more patient. Alright, I'll see you dad, you pick me up at like three. Have a nice son. Tommy, don't forget, don't touch any dick. Shut up dad! No, you're a woman. That was his woman voice that he remembers. Can you not be a Ginzo for three seconds? Jesus Christ.

You got fucking pulse. It is wafting off of you. You should always have a rag over your shoulder. I'm an Irish guy, actually, again. You're juu-octing like a guinea. Arab. Let me wear a fucking belt. Jesus Christ, I got started all over. So, I got to tell you, did you get it? Boom, boom.

No, you have to say ding dong. Ding dong, the game's ding dong. You fucking dumb, dumb. But... Bum-boom! No, you have to say ding dong. Ding dong, the game's ding dong. You're fucking dumb dumb. Shut up. This is gonna... Alright. This is the weirdest part of it.

I used to have a real job. I used to get money. Ding dong. Let's stand up. Hi. money. Ding dong. I'm excited for our date. This is the case. I don't understand the point. What is the point! You're not showing up! Show it up! I'm the one who's not saying it character I did act outs

This one the fucking thing, not Do the thing don't again Alright well it's so what's from the top Okay, I'm the top Okay But I gotta lead you to the love scene So raking, ring the bell Come on in here dude Come on in here, come on here dude. We're running out of the corner.

The love scene's gotta be over there. No, you got plenty of core. You could have some more, two seconds. Alright, here. Alright, here. Please take me out of this fucking... Ready? Let's just walk in.

How does it end? I don't give the punchline. I don't give the punchline. I don't give the punchline. I don't give the punchline. I don't give the punchline. If we just leave my one of the seconds. If we just leave soon. That would be fun. I'll just stop making out.

All right, we'll go back to what this is. I didn't want this. I didn't act like God, you said you, Tommy. You're doing good, kid. I feel like I'm doing good. You're fucking rocking this. I just welcome, ring the bell again. Bye, Tom.

Ding dong. Hi. I'm like, oh, this is how it's fucking played. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, Joe, stop laughing. That was...

Joe's a fucking abuser. No, yeah. It's crazy. I'm very gentle about the thing. Joe hit his gay friend, yeah, dude. Hi. I'm excited for our date. Yeah, me too.

Me too. Me too is right. Me too. And we would lay down. No, no, no, stop back in a way. We would lay down. Do you imagine if I was doing a small female cop, we'd be done. and then we would lay down, no, no, stop backing away. We would lay down. My job is to do it. Do you imagine if I was doing this to a female cop,

we'd be done. They'd tell you. This is crystal clear, special. Oh, yeah. So sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. Hey, there's a piano right behind you.

Yeah. You could lie on that. No, no, no, no. Like, Liberace, you're clear. What? What? No. And then we'd come to the love scene, and we, you're queer. Yeah. And then we come to the love seat and we play like this. Oh, still.

It's relaying. It's, uh-huh. We're relaying. There's nowhere to go. It's so funny you weren't assured this is a mock game. Is that thing done? That's thing done. Ah, I give it up. That was the most uncomfortable thing. I did it up.

That was the most uncomfortable thing. I think I've seen it's gangfest. Yeah, that was my J stick a gun and Lewis's ass hole. What's that kid's name you do the podcast with? Brent no the other kid. Um, what's the guy's name? Bart. Oh, it's with the B. Very no the kid the podcast should do Bart? Oh, it's with the B. Barry? No, the kid that the podcast should do. His name. Oh. Bert.

Bert! Yes. Fucking Bert. Diabetes. Is he got it? He's got diabetes. Oh. Type 2. Diabetes. Is he got it? He's got diabetes. Oh, type two. But you can get out of that.

That's so weird that, like manifestation does work. It does. Fucking, that is crazy. I did not think that that's you worked. You just prayed on it. I said it out loud. You have to verbalize it. It's so good.

Give it to him. Yeah. But no, it was the walls of Lacan Delay now crumble away. Please give birth, diabetes. No, he doesn't have diabetes, does he? Yeah, I think so. He does. I've wrote shit.

I'm sorry. Bearcub bless. He's having a gall bladder removed or something like that. What the f- is he just going to get stuff done? New stuff. He's getting that state of the art though, insulin thing. Were they sew it into your body? So you don't have to let him.

So he has diabetes diabetes. Yeah, yeah, where they will, it'll automatically inject you. Yeah, you don't have to think of it. Dude, I used to have sex with a girl who had the one on the outside. Yeah. Buh. Buh.

I mean, she was really cute too. Really? But it was just like, it was over here. Yeah. It was hooked into her body and it would beep, a some shit and just, gush. Yeah. You can't really have good sex with a device going into her body.

Yeah, that's, yeah. Were you like, just turn on the side that I don't have to see it. It was gross dude. She was a little chubby too. I'm like, why don't you stop eating? You just did the correspondence dude. Yeah, she was a little chubby too. I'm like, why don't you stop eating? You just did the Correspondence dinner. Yeah, I thought I I was led to believe no more comics a couple years ago under Trump. Yeah, it was no more comics under Trump White Trump. Oh wait. No, you're right. You're right. I wasn't on the Trump the Correspondence

Association they decided they decided no more comed. After I think Michelle, right? Yeah, Wolf Pistom off. And then I think they had an author the next year. Yeah. And then it was COVID. I think COVID, COVID, Trevor knowing me. Right. So, you know, I don't know, maybe after COVID,

they just were all in their laughing, come by YAHMUD and guys have backside of George Floyd. And they're like, yeah, let's get a black one, but you know, when we know Trevor. And then they were like, yeah. And they're like, yeah, let's get another black one. Let's go a little black. I have a American black.

Do you think we could go real black and get keys to do it, Philly Black? One to Sykes, did it? One to did it? One sitting in a tanner, did it. And that it, Philly Black. Um, one of the sites did it. Wanted it. Want sitting in a tanner did it. And that's St. Louis Black. Like that's the middle America black. Was that anybody would entertain on the end of the name?

It's not that dangerous. Okay, fair, fair. I mean, like, he's, but neither am I. Like, I wasn't going up there like, wool for like, like a salmon nod, like I was't going up there like wolf or like like a Sama nod. Like they tell you did they tell you? No, what they say is a wild thing, bro. Like they're nervous that you're gonna go as hard as Haasana wolf, but they never

asked to see the script that I've been scrutinized more by a Tuesday college gig than the White House Correspondence Association. Because they probably secretly wanted you to go a little. They wanted you to do it because they know that's what gets them pressed. But they don't want you to go so far that they, but that's what the streets want you to do. They want you.

The streets want you to go in there and just dunk on every motherfucker in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kinda sorta, I don't know, maybe there's just all gl every motherfucker in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I kind of sort of I don't know. Maybe it was just all glancing blows, but that's you know my standup isn't Dunk on every motherfucker in the room anyway, but I just I don't know I didn't feel like I need to go in there be something. I'm not yeah, so I'll talk about the issues I dabble a little bit in people I fuck up with people on both sides the first joke was at Biden. What was it?

He walked away from the podium. I walked up to the podium. And I said, Mr. President, you left some classified documents up here. And I hand them some papers. I'd plan it. That's funny. During sound check. That's great. And that got a, this is before you can said hello to the audience. You should have went like those, oh, these are not, you know, these are Trump's. I'm sorry. See, I should have had you. I mean, I can just punch it up a little bit. I, they didn't, they didn't fuck with me, bro. That's great. Now, will you nervous his shit, though? Yeah, but that's but that's the good part of comedy, right? Yeah. That's the part that keeps you honest.

Yeah. It's like, oh shit. I'm gonna bomb this is gonna go to go. Yeah, it's go. It could go bad. Yeah, and the worst kind of it's like one of the last few live performances like in this cable unplug era. It's one of the last few live things that's not in a wartshow that you know everybody's going to see. If not that night, then in parts, then the story is how you bomb. Well, the house separate. We are right now in the,

in the country. I think you did an excellent job For like making sure black force line. He's good What are you saying Bobby is that no time yeah, okay in the African American community should I myself as an African American do Anything that misrepresent so it be little of the files my African American God it okay, I agree with that. Yeah, okay, okay, okay, even though you know, but you know, still gonna be some hardcore black forces. So you go up there and you in there with the Democrat and that guy damn president you know, you're gonna fuck you

and you wanted him. You you balked. You're a sheep. Yeah, you're sheep. Yeah, so I mean, but that's heckling. Like that's all in the game. Like that shit does it, but you know, the best thing that fucking ever happened to me, bro, was doing last time extent. You know, aside from that, was doing last time extending in 2010. It was

like one of the early days of live tweeting. Yeah. And contractually, we had to every Monday night live tweet under the hashtag or whatever it was at the time. So you're following the hashtag on Twitter and then you're just replying to the shit you want to reply to. But you have to do it because NBC has some watchdog, fucker, that's making sure you do the shit. The problem with that hashtag is that the compliment and the insult are all in the same that string. Yeah. So every Monday night for two months, you just read the worst shit about yourself. And you can't not interact

because it's contractual. Yeah. So after like three, four weeks, you just, you noticed that everything is the insults repeat themselves. Yeah. So it's like, oh, same insult new person. Yeah. Oh, that's all you have to say about me. Okay, cool.

And then I can go ahead and go about. It's very interesting. You say that because I, even, I've just lost a ton of weight and the insults are still fat jokes. And the, the things are still, I had somebody do a fat joke and they go, I know you lost weight, but fuck you. You'll always be fat to me. And I was like, I, I dude, I just lost 100 pounds.

I feel fantastic. But if, you know, if you want to call me King Kong Bundy, all right. That's, that's the only photo you have on your phone. Do you? And you know what else is terrible? I did a, the first time I didn't ask me anything on Reddit. Oh, yeah, those are fucking dice roll. Dude, I and I knew it was going to be bad. And they just for laughs. They're like, Hey, we're going to do an ask in this pro sole Canadian and pleasant. I was

like, Hey, you know, you know, you know that I've done like the opian Anthony show. And this is not with Louis. It was what years this is like five, six years ago. Okay, so we're also then your peak Louis bullshit to like your fuck it went it was it was and it was I was heavy and it she I saw her face change it was she was at the beginning was like oh, and then it was like well photo after whale photo after whale photo. Just calling me a fucking hippo and it was just fa- and she was like, Eve, she literally looked like this. Maybe we should stop this and I was like, I fucking told you.

They don't want, yeah. Did I hurt your feelings? I'm talking about it today. Wow. Six years later. Yeah. The only correspondence dinner joke insult that made me laugh that like I almost reply to,

you know, I like every now and then you get a hate message. Yeah. Ooh, I wanna wear a black shirt. Yeah, yeah. So during the dinner, I give a shout out to my mom and I tied into local journalism, whatever, whatever. It's like a warm moment. My mom is there. My mom, I love you. You're supportive of me when I wasn't shit. Nah, I'm up here. I don't love you, mama. And one motherfucker on Facebook and they sent me the

message. It wasn't like some in the comments of the post about the dinner. They met, I wanna know you saw this shit. That's the worst. One sentence, your mama ugly. It wasn't about Trump. It wasn't about me pushing the gay agenda. It wasn't about gun control. It wasn't about Ron DeSantis. How dare you defend Kamala after everything she's done

to prosecute black men in the prison pipeline. It was just out of everything you said, bro. Your mama's ugly. Yeah, so he saw her so you fucking saw Nika sends me a message the neck that night that night sends me a message your mom was ugly I fucking spit three days going down a rabbit hole of this dude's face book And trying to find like, I want it. I was going to do a roast of all of his dead relatives. And I found like pictures of like just people he's mourned over the years on his timeline. And I was just going to roast that person.

And then just leave it all personal. Keep it in the DMs. I was never going to roast that person and then just leave it all personal. Keep it in the DMs. I was never gonna go public. I'm not gonna fucking, this is between you and me. And just halfway through it, I'm just like, what the fuck am I doing? Like, you're in the middle of like, collecting the pictures of dead people of a stranger.

And then you look over at your child and he's just happy watching is it cake. Ha ha ha ha ha. And you're like, maybe I should just fucking go over there. And then you look over at your child and he's just happy watching is it cake? And you're like maybe I should just fucking go over that My favorite they've did a one for like 110 days, you know, Jesus He lived in a place for a half a year you lay flattened on the bed for 110 days stop it What are you talking about? It's fun asa they want to know how much your muscle after free in space So you go you lay flat on the bed. Where do you poop? So you move and open the hole,

you're shit and piss right there like that. And then when you shower, they take the shower and kind of, you're laying flat kind of shower like that. But, and also, someone in the room looking at you for 24-7 so you don't get up too high. You can move your head like maybe 40 degrees, but you have to stay pretty still for like 105, 10 days. But you'll get bed sores, right?

Yeah. So when you finish about, it takes you, maybe five, six, seven days to get back to normal again. My friend David had three times and like a span of four years. It's like 55,000, 60 grand or something like that. But you're mentally, that mentally, that mentally does something to you. That's, that's like, that's doing solitary confinement. Yeah. You know, what was funny during COVID,

I was the happiest because I've been locked up for like 19 years, so it wasn't anything new. And they were paying more money too for medical testing. And it was very bizarre, man, because you go to these medical labs, they were also confused. Like, they were asking me like, hey, do you work at the other clinic,

what, how are they dealing with the COVID? So like, I was surprised like they were asking me like, hey, do you work at the other clinic? How are they dealing with the COVID? So like, I was surprised like they were asking me. Because they don't know anything. I nobody knew what was going on. And so what happened during COVID when we were doing the studies, you check in the hotel for three days, they pay you extra money, like five, six hundred bucks a day, they don't make sure you don't have COVID.

So that was like another additional $2,000, $3,000, or whatever it was. Then these medical staff people show up in this crazy headgear look like a scene from EGT. Yeah, for real. And they have a whole monitor video make sure you don't sneak out of there and talk to other people.

And yeah, it was really crazy. And what I thought was interesting, people ask me, did I do any COVID studies? I would never do that because for one, you don't get paid. And you have to be a sucker to do those because they haven't really had a lot of time experiment animals and stuff. Yeah. By understanding people desperate, you were in full fear. But so have you ever seen one of the drugs that you tested for actually come out? No, no, well, I don't think so. So all the times you've done it, it's never even, it's never in mattered. Well, I mean, I mean, they gave it, so when you go in for interview, they gave you like a huge document by 50, 70 pages, you got to read the whole thing.

It'll talk about who you're doing. If all what's it for the side effect, possible problem, what does it do, how much you will pay. So you have to write down on a piece of paper. I'm doing this to go see Chicago and the son of Sam's house this summer. That's why he's you have to write down kind of, but we could talk a little bit more about. We wrote letter to San Francisco, he wrote back to us. Wait, stop, stop, stop. Okay.

Don't go into that. Okay, yeah. Because this is, you understand, people watching this, Yoshi, I know. I'm not making it up. I know, that's the problem. It's not a problem.

It's like, this is why you've always fashioned with this guy. He does so many other things. like, this is why you've always fashioned with this guy. He does so many other things. You know how you have life. And you're like, oh, I want to do that someday. I want to do that someday. You want to do that someday. I'd like to do that someday.

But you pretty much do your jobs, maybe one or two jobs, and then hang with your family and your friends. And these are things you never do, right? Let's call them regrets. Many life regrets. It's not gonna affect your life. It's not gonna make you like, you don't do that. You do all the things that you wanna do.

Like all those little things that I would say are that be cool to do, you do. And one of the things you do is you, I don't know what's the word, not hunt. You, I was the word, not hunt. You, you, I was the word. You, you, you chase. Well, can I tell you something about doing the thing? I used to work at Poinshop in Seattle,

called Taboo Video. Yeah. And I used to have to do with crackheads, right? They were coming because middle of not the shoplift, I gotta say, I learned a very valuable lesson from crackheads. You could say whatever you want about them. First thing when they get up or whenever they're up,

they always do what they wanna do. Like whenever you say like, I don't have time for this and that, it's a really excuse. If it's something's important to you, Bobby, you will always make time. Like you always make time for your son. Yeah.

You don't give a fuck. Career or whatever, you always make because this is important to you. Crackheads. You don't give a fuck. No, career whatever you always make, because this is important to you. Crackheads, they don't give a fuck about their family, they don't care about their country. Crack is the number one thing, and they make effort every single minute of it. So if you put 5% of effort like crackhead,

your life will be so much better, because you know what I mean? I don't give a fuck about my credit report and career and things like that, because I know what I mean like I don't give a fuck up on my credit report and career and things like that. Because I know what happened to my father in Japan. So if I want to do something, I don't care. I'm not going to let anything stop me from doing something. Right. So I do it, but I used to watch crackheads and like I was really amazed. Like they, the focus what they want to do, right? They get it down. They got to get crack. Yeah. And so they got to find a way to get that money for the crack

So when people say they don't have time. It's it's a lie. Right go look at a crack head It's not important to them. That's why ladies if a guy doesn't marry you because it's not important for them to marry you Right and and all kinds of stuff And that's that's that's marital advice. Yeah, for me. Yeah but yeah, she. This episode is brought to you by Ghost Bed. To be the funniest person in the room, you got to make sure you're well-rested. It's hard to come up with good jokes when you sleep deprived. So, if you're not sleeping well, it's time to grab a new mattress. From Ghost Bed, take advantage of free and fast shipping.

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Five dollar wage requires match $100 in casino, or what it required one time to play through within seven days, terms, casino doc raftings.com slash holiday on the house. Restrictions applied. I heard you started the at Skankfest, you started a cigar lounge this year. Oh, that was big, man. I came up with this idea like a year ago, you know, there was a lot of people there, a lot of smokers and stuff, and I was like, it'd be really cool if we were hanging out, but I was like, we should make this more official.

So I reached out to some friends of mine, you know, Mo and Steve, I introduced you to both these guys a couple of years back. And we set up like a whole canopy and they gave us sticks and it was really the hang to be a part. What was the name of it? The dude, Sagarla. That's weird.

It's a weird thing to hear you say. Yeah, but you got it. What's the name of my podcast? You know what dude? Oh, it's weird. But you know whenever I would see you, I'd be like, dude, let's smoke, remember? I'm gonna snap my own neck, right?

And it was a hit. It was a hit. And I can't take all the credit. You shouldn't take any of it. It was all my idea. It was such a good idea. I invented it. It was all my idea. It was such a good. I invented it. It was so good.

What I have cigar lounge at festival. Skatefest Vegas the year before. Look, anywhere I go, any club I go to, even I set up a cigar lounge. If they, you know what I mean? I don't like to, they always say, no, you can smoke in here, but I always feel shitty smoke. Yeah, don't do that.

I did that in Syracuse. And then the next night they were like, don't do that again. Yeah, they fucking go ahead. Oh, but they'll let a fucking they'll let a Comic they'll let a comic smoke weed in there. Oh, yeah, oh the Syracuse funny bone green rooms like right at the crowd Yeah, you're like yeah, they let me all the way from someone's Which is annoying though. It's like fuck you you let the guy smoke weed and it's bell You know if somewhat reason weed and cigar smoke, cigar smokes worse. Go fuck yourselves. It's not.

No, it's not. It's not at all. Like smell of cigar smoke better. Of course you do. The weed smokes. I don't know, can they fucking fix that? Weed smells skunky. It's too much.

It's like you made enhanced it. You made it better. You made it do different things. Now make it not smell like someone's asshole. Yeah, it smells like cat piss. Yeah. Fucking blows. When you're on the road and you get to a new town

and they got a shop, do you go, oh, first stop? Always. Yeah, always. I, well, like I was saying, when I go, the reason why I came up with that idea, I, when I go to like Tampa and they don't have a, I'll make a place, I'll get a chair,

put a chair out there, give me a table, and I make a little lounge. That I'll sit out there. I don't wanna be in the green room with a fucking bunch of dough. I wanna be out, relax, and smoke, and a bat. You wanna come with me, come out with me. So in Skankfest, not this year, the year before, I just made a spot, away from the fans, in the merch area.

I put a couple chairs, and then I put a couple more. And then, you know, this year, I go, we should put a hand. That's not true, that's not true. That's not true. That's not true. It was the hang. It was the hang. This was the best hang.

I said to Christine, we got to make a lounge. Yeah, I told her that. No, I didn't. And I called my friend Mo and Steve. Our friends, yeah. Well, my friend first. Yeah, and then mine. And my first. friend Mo and Steve. Our friends, yeah. Well, my friend first. Yeah, and then mine. And but my first.

That I see more. I, yeah, because you live in Jersey. Yeah. You're a piece of shit. Yeah. So we called Mo. I know. And then I called and I talked to, he talked to Pete.

Yeah, he talked to Pete, the guy that runs the whole thing. Yeah, Pete Johnson. Yeah, we asked Mo to talk to Pete. No, I asked, no, I, you know, I asked Mo, and we made the connection there. Yeah. And he sent a lot of, an abundance of cigars. Abundance of cigars. All different, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, a nice, you know, in that family. So they set up this great thing.

I went in the day of and made sure it was all there. I had a, I got that day after made sure he set everything up properly. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. What was the code word to get a cigar? Mo, stick, fat. Dude, we had a code word that we will change for next year. What, wait, what do we, wait? What do you fucking me wait?

It's not the dude cigar lounges the dude There's one dude. No, it's a dude. How about the dude in the Jew? Yeah, the dude in the Jew and then someone would come about the Jew dude right away Bobby'd let me know Because since I was right now he goes he goes oh shit some guy just grabbed a scar when you're a cold You're my you were my muscle. I was the muscle. I was the muscle like I I would look at him people kicked out of the kick. Oh, yeah, that was great. Oh, so they just not Oh, back in the hand. We're first of all should have been comics only we didn't have a sign up That said comics so then some had artists industry starts coming in And artists, but then these guys from a band come in

Oh, one of the guys from bands has something very off color to one of the girls. She's got a boyfriend or something or a husband I don't know. All right here. Let me back you up a little bit. Yeah, because there's a little more of this There's a little more meat on the story than you give it. Yeah, I was running the whole thing so I couldn't focus That's not true. That's not true. Most motel me you did. It's not he's not he didn't he didn't he didn't you don't even know I know mo way better than both of you combined you do. Yes, what's his last name? That's amazing that you knew it. I mean, that's crazy. That's crazy. That is name is sizzl That's crazy. That's crazy. His name is Syslach. Of what type of descent is most Syslach? Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. That's right. That is his descent. Yeah. It's from over there. So it's the meat on the story. Okay. So we're all sitting there. We're trying to figure this cigar lounge out. Yeah. One girl walks in.

Some fucking chick. I don't know. She could have been a comic. I don't know. Walks in with a literally a bong this pig. Just now it's just now it's just no no no no no no. I went you gotta go. Yeah, she went what I go that you go You don't smoke that in here. This is a guy lounge beat it. She goes you serious. I go Absolutely, yeah, fucking bye-bye I know make you lounge and she was man. Who the fuck she was I understand she was a little mad but fuck you

Yeah, this is not potville No, don't get me here with your cigarettes neither the same a fucking bingo hall now What if someone came in with a pipe? Yeah, you can sip high pipe. Nice. Yeah, you could sip a pipe. Yeah, it's all about the aroma That's what I call it Sippin there was a few cigarettes in there. Yeah, you can do a cigarette Occasional sign. Fine. So now we're sitting in their Joe's there, there are a bunch of people there, all of a sudden the band walks in.

Cool band from long ago. And they were really nice. Good. Fans, comedy, great guys. But you understand the band has band ego. Of course. So the drummer is the guy and the Italian guys, you know, they're all kind of, he walks in. He's the motherfucker.

He's in the band. Yeah. They're weird, but he doesn't understand comics. The one thing that musicians, you never get it. You don't get us. With damaged goods and we fucking know it. They can't, they are trying to be something they're not. We're fucked and we know it.

So he walked in and and the room went silent. And we were dude, it was like vampires. Yeah, we were all looking at him. He came in just big. Walk in sat down, started yapping. All the comics Joe, me, you were there. Got quiet. We just looking over at him like this.

We were like, they're looking at each other. Like we're going to attack. Not now. I mean, dude, we're going to calculate. We, we, and then all of a sudden he went a little bit and they said this, then he said that, then he said something. I was like, I shit you face. Nobody cares about you. Did you say that?

Yeah. Remember, and I started trashing him. And then we all started this fucking drummer, right? And I, and we just started making, I go do wear comedians, fuck off. Yeah. And then he, it was was like you can't out We don't care about cool. We don't care about hair. No, we don't care about any of that shit clearly look at us Yeah, I mean you dress like a fucking gay Viking. Yeah

Fuck I love it. I'm guess like I'm just like a fat quentin Tarantino fan. I look like I run a fucking leaf clean up You do you You do. You're on a business in Connecticut. I know what I look like. This is the best I've looked at. We don't give a fuck. And then we started trashing him. He took it.

But if that, we broke him. And then we were fucking with him. And then he took it too far. He was acting. He was saying something to me. He got a little fucked up. I like the guy, but he got a little fucked up. And Aaron kicked him out.

I'm sorry. Ratted him out behind his back and had somebody else do this guy's got to go. Yeah, he went. Then some other guy came in and he goes, Hey, do you have an extra cigar? He yells at me. No, no, look at him. No, we're locking it down. Yeah, no, these guys in Boston created this scene.

And then Hollywood came to Boston. Yes. And and these people moved to Boston because of the scene and they took those people. So they took Janine, they took Bobcat, they took of course Stephen Wright, who was one of the guys. He was from Boston, right? From Boston. He was one of the guys.

But, and you know, most original, I mean, one of the most original comics ever, right? And, um, you know, and those guys from Boston were like, fuck them and fuck, you know, that's one of the reasons why Boston comics after that would always make it hard on outside. Outside is coming famous comics come in into Boston the headline. They were like, all right, cool. oh, cool. We're gonna, I'm gonna MC, Sweeney, you're gonna middle, and we're gonna fucking bury these cock suckers. And that's where that came from, from that situation.

And then I think I always had that outlook on her. And then, and then when I saw her at the stand, she was like, she was out front talking. I was like, she seems so nice. She's really, I don't know very well at all, but ever since I met her a few years back, she's always been very, very sweet to me. And it's nice seeing her.

She always stops and talks for me. But she never does any, you never see her do any standup. She does a standup on television. No, no, I know. I mean, you know, like she's been working the stand since it was at the old venue, right? Yeah. And she hasn't put anything out. She works Eastville too. But she's, she does Eastville. She doesn't put anything out. She does. Does she do well? I mean, is she?

No, yeah, I think so. I just make my only reason I paused was I'm like, I don't remember the last time I actually caught her on the show. I go in and she's like getting off her. I have fun later than she is open micers putting out a specials every six months on YouTube. How the fuck is she not putting something out? I don't know. I get so I don't know. I get so disheartened with this shit man like And I know I shouldn't but You know, I get so fed up with how everybody is doing everything that I just don't wanna do anything. I don't wanna participate. I'm not trying to make it about me.

I'm just saying, you can just say, you know, people are like, when are you gonna put this new hour out? I'm like, I don't know if I am gonna put it out. Everybody's putting a fucking thing on YouTube. Like, that was like a really cool thing you could do when there was like a means and a perspective or a motivation to do that thing. It was a workaround.

And now it was a workaround the streaming services that had gatekeepers. Right. You know, clips on you to eclipse on Instagram. Every fucking comic is put in fucking clips up. It's a every comic is doing promo videos. It's like Jesus fucking Christ man. Like it's everybody just thinks like there are no, I don't mean to sound bitter.

I hope that I don't. You do. You do, to all the young comedians. I love young comics. I really do. Like one of the things I love the thing I'm most flattered about or buy When I do a show in a city is somebody says you know the comics are gonna come out to the late show whatever it is

Yeah, I am so fucking flattered by that sitting with them after at the bar having beers talking I know the one when you go on the road and the comics Show up to see your set and hang out after. And that's, it's all, it is one of the highlights of. It means the world. The gig is that, oh, that's cool. Yeah, even though, you know, it means they don't, it sucks too. I've had that.

Yeah, right. You see them all show up and then they leave halfway through your set. Yes. Guys, thanks. But I mean, this guy's no Doug stand-hope. What you fat, you'll love your wife. We get it. What bugs me though. So it's not a, it's not a thing against young shoulders. Oh, geez. Sorry. It's not a shot towards young comics. It's not. But one thing that bothers me is that there are no sacred tools for established comics to use anymore. Everybody has access to every tool at all times. And it's like, Jesus fucking Christ, man. Like, I'm just trying to sell a thing that I've been

doing for two fucking plus decades now. And I'm, and I've got to combat with a sea of content in every direction you turn. It used to at least be that one or two assholes would build up a fucking website, right? And they would say, has headlined and they'd name all these clubs, and then anybody in the industry knew, this is a bullshitter. They didn't work these clubs. They did bring her shows and they're saying that they had lined the clubs and they produced their. There was at least a way to see through or kind of cut through it. And that comics doing that didn't create noise. It just was an There's a thing now where it's like between the TikTokers, the Instagram models, the influencers,

the, you know, every comedian thinking you have to do this, this all the time because it's about building this presence in this virtual world. It's like, Jesus fucking Christ, man, like it's exhausting. It's fucking exhausting. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. Like not like... I'm not saying it should just be there for me.

I'm not gonna cut y'all. I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. No, but I just think that you're right. It's exhausting because it's constantly evolving into something else. Somebody else finds a new way to do something and that's what you have to do. It's it now, it's clips. Then it's shorter clips.

Now it's longer clips. Then it's fucking crowd work clips. Then it's like back in the day, there was an evolution, there was a system in place where you went in, you moved to either New York or LA, you got in in a club, you were seeing, you did a showcase, people saw you, you got a manager, you got an agent, you went out to things, you were this swammer sank.

And then you OD'd on the road. And that was the system. Yes, a nice point A to point B, journey for us all. Look, I'm not the manliest guy, that's all right. And I'm in like a homosexual body, I feel like. It's then, it's either a homosexual body or a dude from the Hampshire. Same thing.

Yeah, like not a, yeah, like the guy who owns the construction company. Yeah. Not the guy who works on the construction company. He's not getting his hands dirty. He's not getting his hands dirty anymore. Right. His wife does the accounting. I'm.

You do, you go, you do the bidding. You walk out at, we'll do it for 60,000. I think the way I talk to is like, man, like when I hear my, like how I talk. And I don't know why we can change how we talk. You know, you like, you grab away, you talk when you're younger and you think that's you, but you could easily just change it. And it's still you.

Well, people change their voices all the time. I remember when I was on stage over at the pussycat, and there was a couple of gay, look at that. Come on, kid. All right, no wait a minute, though. What? Like, first of all... What? It's like...

Yeah. It's the lighting. You give a lot of... Buddy, help me. I don't... I want to... That's a professional shot, but do you look at a picture of him? Look, that's me when you knew me. I mean, are you there. I want to like, that's a professional shop, but do you look at a picture of him? Look at, that's me when you knew me. I mean, are you out of your mind?

Dude, I mean, you have like a brando thing going. I mean, you mean, good looking, one of the greatest best looking actors of all time. What the fuck? That's here like his brother, where you like, you're like Chad Pitt. That's how fuck you did. He's got me Chad, who's Chad,'re like Chad Pitt. Nah, fuck you. Yeah, man, yeah. He's got me Chad.

Who's Chad? Bring up Chad Pitt. Is there a Chad Pitt? Brad Pitt has a brother named, no, his name is something else. He's a brother. Brad Pitt's brother. And then you get the sexy Bobby with hair, please. When you get a shot that's not, you know,

what do you want to shop? What do you think? Buddy, back then there wasn't camera phones. But I mean, you had to take that picture of you with your friends. Back then, that's when we had to get photo shoots. Remember, we had a stamp, we had to get a resume on the back of our thing. They touched it up.

I mean, they didn't touch that. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's,

that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, You're a comedian that picture looks like you're ready to like I'm an actor slash comedian I'm both okay. I'm both that's fair. I've always been both did they ever cast you in like a Mob movie it's like that's what you belong haven't yet, but it's my dream bro Like you get like the guy gets killed you're an asshole. That's you call me. No, I'm sir Brad Pitt's brother. Yeah You look like that like

Where I'd go. Oh, that's like Brad Pitt kind of that's some thing. You're like Marlon Brando. I hate him Yeah, these stakes Kevin pit Kevin dog dog. That's the worst dog is the worst name worst name. You're looking at a baby and going, Doug, I'm going to name this adorable baby, Doug. No. That in Warren. How do you look at a child go to Warren? Warren's thanks.

What about a girl name like Gladys? Oh, like Gwen. Gwen. Oh, look at my little angel Gwen. What about the news? The movie stars now are naming their kids stupid names like like a for a long time like rain shadow apple. The Kardashians name their kids some things. It's stupid's stupid. How is that still going? That Kardashian thing should have been a, that's the only thing that's on a fad. Everything everyone forgets in two seconds.

I'm the guy who sing that song like it. I don't know what the thing is. Like the bullshit pay and the bullshit pay and the rich man or rich man. I'll in somewhere. You like that guy? No. Exactly. Who like that guy? No. Exactly. Who is that guy?

Who is that guy? Who is that guy? Rich man, North of Richmond. Oh, that guy with the beard. Yeah, like that was. Billy Burr's brother. Everyone already forgot about him. And now who's that?

But the Kardashians live forever. Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? Again, and I'm talking about it. Listen, if you say, I swear to God, if you say his brother, I'm being honest. I'm being honest. I'm being honest. I'm better looking than Brando.

Do you want me to, we can move on and miss all the stuff I buy about. I want you to honestly take a look as he zooms in. Now look, okay, now look. You are the guy that casts in a movie whose friends with a guy who's starring in the movie. I, which is good. No, no, no, no, no, no, it is not. You just called me not the guy. It's not the guy. I'm the guy. It's very rare that someone's Brad Pitt or Marlon Brando. Who's this friend? You're a greaser next to him. I'm the guy early. Are you calling me? Are you calling me? What about that guy? That guy. That?

That's that. That's who you know. That's the guy I know. Ha ha ha ha. I hate you. I hate you. No dude, honestly though you were a good looking guy. That is a good,

I wish I ever was that good looking guy. Yeah, but then I turned into that. That guy ate that guy. Ha ha ha ha. That's Photoshop. No, I that guy. That's Photoshop. No, I wish it. That's a getty image. You can't Photoshop that.

Wait a minute. I know you got that big. I didn't know that. That's like, you saw me. I was living my life. I was 350. I saw you like that, I would ignore you. I never, I was in a light the time

You would ignore me. What do you want by me? I can't be around that. Wow What I'm not gonna eat you I don't know that. Oh shit. Oh this all you gotta get me in trouble. I got a bad This is your in my fault. It's the entirety of your family listening to this episode Well, you never know I gotta really gotta, my side of my family's huge. Well, this is what happens is you mentioned somebody and somebody's message is it to him. They met there.

You hear Bob, you say you take Andrew instead of Gary? My mother was the original Twitter. You say anything. It was all over the freaking neighborhood. She had a bird. She tied it to a bird's leg. She got out. I'm gonna tell you, don't tell anybody, which means everybody already fucking knows,

because I'm in California, and I'm three hours behind. So. I tell people when they say, don't you promise me you won't tell anybody? I go, listen, I'm going to, I'm going to ask my wife to promise me she won't tell anybody, because I'm 100% telling my wife anything you tell me. Okay. So I'm not going to lie to you. I am going to tell my wife, but I'll tell her not to tell anybody.

I think that goes without saying, right? Yeah. If you tell a married couple something, because I did a joke with this before, but I'm like, I'm dying for anything to talk about. Yeah. When someone's like, don't tell anybody this. Right.

All I'm thinking is, yes. I'm gonna need something to talk to my wife about. Yeah, but accept, accept push. What, oh, somebody, yeah. No push, push is off the table. Only if they're in a relationship. Yeah, push is, if they're in a relationship, push is out, right?

So if they're in a relationship, you don't talk about push. Yes, so we should say, but to be honest, we should say cheating, not push. It's pushy, yes. One of my single friends is like, I fucked the hottest woman and then she threw a jet. Yeah, of course, whatever. We're talking about some mischievous stuff.

No, mischievous pussy, you know, talk. That, of course, but how do you feel about talking about hookups at the person? Everything, we've talked about everything. I tell my wife most everything, unless it's somebody I real like who's doing something really stupid, not cheating on his wife, but just like, you know, getting shit-faced, I'm not gonna tell my wife this everything, unless it's somebody I real like who's doing something really stupid, not cheating on his wife, but just like, you know, getting shit-faced,

I'm not gonna tell my wife this guy got in a ball fight, because then I'm just like, I'm not gonna be able to play with him anymore. Right. So you don't want to do that. How long have you married? I don't know. Six years. Six years.

Yeah. Adorable. Yeah, but we've been together for 12. So, you know. Yeah. Yeah. 12. Yeah, it's a been together for 12. So, you know. Yeah. Yeah. 12. Yeah, it's a long time.

I mean, you were together. I mean, dude, I was the same thing. I was with Don for a long time before I got caught cheating and had to marry her. No, I'm kidding. Um, I was with you together for a long time. I mean, since I'm my early 20s, I'm 52. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. That's great. I didn't know you knew. 30 years. It goes for her. That's crazy. Yeah. I think we've known it. Yeah, but you didn't. You were married to 20. I knew you. No, I was married when I was later. I had my kid at 42. Uh-huh. Gross. You know, but you why did you say gross? You know, why fucking 52? I'm 41 and she's 45. She's having a baby at 45, that's epic.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know you gotta get a push gift, did you know that? What's that? That's a, it's a gift that helps push it out of the old vagina. Yeah. Really?

Yeah, get like a pneumatic jack or something. I think you suck it. No. Yeah. No, you not you get somebody with a bigger mouth to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it.

You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it.

You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it.

You'll hurt it. You'll hurt it. You'll hurt, but most of that's not here yet, it's exciting. It's one of the things you can't really prepare for it in any way, other than buying the shit. Are you close? We're pretty close, it's like six weeks. Wow. No, you close to your wife, you live in the same house. We're relatively.

You like her? So yeah, it's weird, but yeah, there's nothing you can really do, I'm just trying to go out and work. Nah, you can do. Are you taking time off? Yeah. Well, I had a weekend, by the way, in Michigan, then I had to reschedule October 19th to the 21st.

The babies do the 29th. The doctors were like, yeah, you'll be fine. And then every comic was like, you got a canceled, what are you crazy, you're not see piece of shit. And so that canceled and the doctor was like, yeah, okay. Either way, what have been fine? So I don't know. Yeah, the doctor's like, yeah, okay, either way, it would have been fine. So I don't know. Yeah, the doctor's saying it.

Yeah, but some people they come early, whatever. So anyways, yeah, I got a bunch of time off. It's a weird thing when the, what went, you're in bed and then the water breaks. You have a water bed? Yeah, the water bed, I got a little heavy at the time. It was one of my fats and she got sucked into now when her water breaks. Yeah, is a Fucked up. She get a doula

What's a doula a doula is somebody that comes in and teaches you all the things you need to know For the birth when you're there. Now. We got no doula. She get a doula come in and Look at doula have her command and just tell you Paul of Dula. Hello folks So when you that happens you know what to do the water breaks you you got to know the hospital Yeah, you get a little hell break dude all dude all hell breaks loose And so the Dula does what why can't you tell me what the dola said? Well, save me a few dola's. I forget.

He can't remember the godfather. I can't remember the call, fuck it, it ain't back. You don't call me back. I know it was like, what is it? You robber of back. The water breaks, you put it in the car.

You gotta smell it. Smell it. You gotta touch it, make sure it's a certain consistency. You gotta look at it, make sure there's no speckles of blood in it. You gotta smell it, make sure that's fucking hell. All these things. I wanna broke, get in the car. Go on over to the dual effects.

Make sure it's not a funky tasting. And what, what do you qualify to do? Uh-oh, cinnamon. Yeah. What do you do? I lied about the tasting, but that would have been great if you fucking didn't shut your mouth You would have been tasting. I know not gonna taste the thing You would have been a hell. You would have been a hell. I'm only tasted pizza burgers my whole life

I'm not tasting our pussy. Oh, you do have the idea of looking pussy You do have to look you have to look at it and see if there's any blood in it But either way I'm going to have you have to then what do you do you have to smell it? And then if you smell it, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you have to, you when like four hours. Are you really? No, it's a joke. I'm kidding you were sick All right, you still sick. I'm not sick. I had a Spit past this seat See the consistency of a spit

You got to go to the hospital and then they know it's a cold like a like a You to do the whip whip back on do look okay, you go back on do it. Thank you And then they know it's a cold like I got this you to do the whip with what we're back on do look, okay? Okay, you go back on do thank you um, and then You got to give her back massages. Yeah, that's gonna labor. I always do that. Yeah, and they got the kid Huh, that's how it started is she giving natural childbirth? We're gonna be playing it by year She's gonna try natural if not we go She ain't make it five minutes. You're gonna go what you're gonna go see section. I guess

She getting a Epidural Maybe I don't know we're gonna play it by year. Don't play that by year Epidural yeah get that yeah, what should get it dude? It hurt dude? I've never seen He doesn't have any control over that. She's gonna scream for this. You woke at him. What woke at him He's not gonna be in the fucking room Pass out in the car on the way out in the room. I'm in the room. I'm good He's got I'm in the room is sitting in the high chair

You really he's good on the fucking pressure? Well, I'm not gonna have you two comments from the at the pregnancy being like Why is the fucking chair so high, your fucking dork? I'm gonna go there, shit, what's up, a dirl? Should've got an up a dirl. I'll say give me a shot of that too, little pre-lapse. And enjoy it, that all splatters on the floor, it's gross, oh my God. It doesn't go on the floor, you piece of shit.

No, the placenta. No, it's in the bed. Well, whatever. Was she doing standing up? Was she in Russian? That makes more placents. Hi. And it drips everywhere, the baby comes out, whatever she doing standing up which you're rushing that makes more placents hi and uh... it's drips everywhere the baby comes out you take your shirt off the

baby goes on your nipple yeah yada yada you cry are you having this child in the farmland what the hell is this right what they get you gotta did it to the uh... bonding did you have to do that you take you get shirtless the baby should have had i did that but here's a thing i'm gonna tell you too is I for me and I think for most guys You don't feel any connection towards this baby until Like a few weeks out. I already it's shocking. That's because you have female. It's shocking Hmm, just a good half

I was in shock. I was pretending to do... Don't step up, I hate you fucking stupid references, both of you. Oh, you should have a show references. Freaking fracked. I'm sorry. Karen tells me you have Jewish. Just... Why did you do that, Bobby? They would have never found it.

What the hell, kind of people are they? Great film. Anyway. What the fuck, kind of people are they? Great film. Anyway. What the fuck kind of people are they? Say, hey, you got a great, that was great. That was great. That was great. That was great.

That was great. That was very good. Henry, Henry, what the fuck kind of people are they? Karen. Yeah, dude, you, I was such shock and I was, I think I was pretending to do what I saw in movies. I was like, oh my god, oh my God. But inside I was just when I really felt my son is the day he looked at me and smiled. That's when I fucking something

just went, boom, and I melted and I've never looked at it. Which is hot. Gruten size is plus two. That's good. It's another reference. Godfather too. It's not for the two. Frank Panthangely says. I hate the trial. I'm a salt and minus thing though. That's good. So when Max mildly you was all of it. Yeah, it was great. I can't wait. Yeah. You're gonna be great dad. It's funny because I talked to you about being a dad for a long time and you said no, fuck that, never. Well, I had a childhood. Yeah, well, very, you know, there's some trauma from my childhood and it just seemed on the work. Yeah, but now, you know, you put some work in, you realize, oh, I can,

I can overcome that stuff. Be nice. Was it a plant thing or did it just happen? Plant, she's 45. Of course we planned it. You know, or accidental plant. Plant it in charts. You know, it's funny. And we started, the whole process started at Max's birthday party because Rachel brought her little baby.

And we were like, oh yeah, we should just do that. What are we doing? So you did it that night? You came in her that night? No, at that point, she was still on birth control. And then we came in each other for a while. If I have a love story, back up one second. If you're at home, rewind that.

What did you say? You came in each other? Yeah, we came in the same way. We were like, oh yeah, we should just do that. What are we doing? So you did it that night? You came in her that night? No, at that point, she was still on birth control. And then we came in each other for a while. You might have left, sorry. Yeah. Back up one second.

If you're at home, rewind that. What did you say? You came in each other? Yeah, we did. You came in each other. Okay. And then that wasn't working. And then we went to the doctor and they were like,

no, you're 84 years old. Why did you think this is gonna work? She's like, there's no chance that it would work. This is fucking, it's just dust all over the sheets. Oh, God. I showed up for a gig on 9-11. Where? In Toronto. On a college gig at noon. You're on a plane coming out of Boston. Yeah. Okay. You know, I don't want to talk about that. But I you, you, you were the other plane that bomb, you never heard of the guy that parachute it off. They don't talk about that in the movies.

Nice, nice fucking TV, right? Did they? I did the old Mr. Furley. Mr. Roper. Mr. Roper is my best. I love Mr. Roper. My favorite him and Larry. Oh, yeah, just perverted Larry playing a Greek guy but Jewish guy playing a Greek guy

and we all believed it we didn't know anything but everybody in TV's Jewish I you know it's funny as we didn't realize that growing up but that everybody in TV was Jewish everybody in TV's Jewish and all rock stars are Jewish kind of kind of yeah a lot of the big ones yeah

because you know what it takes to become a musician music class not getting laid when you're young and your father making you take piano lessons. Yeah, and drum lessons and blah blah blah. And that's why I'll rock stars a little scrawny mother fuckers except for Gene Simmons is a big tall. Yeah, he's a big told you, but when he was little he was a scrawny little motherfucker. And then they became I mean all the the holocissus. I mean, well, just Paul and Jean really well. I mean, that's all a kiss. That's all you need. Yeah. I mean now. Yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna be a little bit more serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit more serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna be a little bit serious about this. I'm not gonna the, the holociss is, I mean, well, just Paul and Jean really. Well, yeah, I mean, that's all a kiss. That's all you need. Yeah. I mean, now, yeah, I would prefer the Malaysian Peter, but you know, that's just me as a fan. Do you like his? I love kids.

I want to, I've never seen him. I've seen him five times. Really? I saw them in 82 last tour with makeup. 83 first tour without makeup. And then 96 reunion tour. And I saw Paul Stanley at the house of blues in LA one night. And then I saw them in, I was in Australia on tour. And they were playing the same venues as me like the night before me. So one night it happened to catch up and I got to go to

the show. It was Motley crew and kiss open on that show. It was pretty dope. That's great. I want to go see him December 1st and 2nd. I think we get is going to get tickets. And I'm going to take my kid to go see kiss. I just kind of invited the Gene Simmons birthday party. Are you friends with them? We've hung out before.

Really? And it's pretty cool for me. And like as a fan. Yeah. Like because I'm like a big. I people don't know this about, but I'm a big kiss nerd really yeah I just what do they call you? What do they call their kiss fans kiss army kiss army? Yeah, are you in the kiss army? No my parents wouldn't do that It wouldn't allow me to mail. I did not a male shit out back then you could be in it now. Yeah, but what's the point?

I was being it now. Yeah, I don't think the army exists anymore. Yeah exists. What do you crazy? I mean they exist but I don't think there's like the membership club anymore Sure there is you think Jean let go of a dollar. Yeah, I exists. What do you create? I mean, they'd exist. But I don't think there's like the membership club anymore. Sure. There is. You think Jean let go of a dollar? Yeah. I think he flipped it into something else. It is something else. Remember what he had is his, uh, he was trying to brand the money sign. Oh, yeah. He was trying to brand everything branded. He, he copy written copy write, uh, OJ. What do you mean? Orange juice? No shit. He owns the copyright to OJ. If you say OJ on TV, you're saying, you're talking kidding me.

There you go. Kiss army. Give me a favor. Fill it out for him and pay for it. And I'll pay you back. Okay. We'll fill it out for you. The problem is they're going to send you pictures with Tommy and Eric in it.

You don't like that. I don't like that because you could tell they don't even look like Paul Acer, Jean. I don't think it's a Peter. Acer Peter scroll up. I mean, sorry. See, look at Tommy. His head's too weird and Eric's head's not same as Peter's. Just a makeup is. Yeah, I know, but what are you gonna do?

And look at Tommy's weird goofy fucking outfit now. It was a problem with Peter. When you hear him talk, it's like, oh, this is an asshole from Brooklyn. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? It was like weird here. He was my favorite.

Yeah, I was an A-sky. You were an A-sky? I was my favorite. Yeah, I was an ace guy. You were an ace guy. I was, I was, uh, I was a cat. I love the cat. I just thought ace was cool, because, you know, the smoke came out of his guitar and everything. I just love the cat, because I like when you get your face painted like kids as a kid. Yeah, they have to paint your nose and it tickled.

Yeah, when they did right here. And you're like, looking at people, I'm, yeah. Yeah. I would definitely, I heard their un-fucking belieble. Jay told me that it's one of the best shows they've ever been to. Wendety Galaas. Wendety Galaas. He went to them last time.

He said, him and Christine said it was just a fun show. I know, but Paul's voice is gone now. They're all gone. No, no, Paul's voice is gone gone. I know, but all, like you can go to YouTube and pull up a clip of Paul talking at a show and he's like, I think, hi, he sounds like DMC from Run DMC. Remember DMC's voice went, but from somehow DMC got his voice back. Really? But Paul's voice is shot.

We just went to Metallica last night. I was at. Dude, it's crazy. You know what's really amazing for me is my daughter who's 12 is into all that stuff now. Yeah, my, my son that's 10 is totally into concerts. Love's Metallica. Yeah. Love's, we went to the cure, which I want into concerts. Love's Metallica. Yeah. Love's, we went to the cure, which I want to remember to myself.

He's, I think it's the most beautiful generation, which is amazing. They just love music. Because my daughter's like, Daddy, do you like Metallica? I go, I pull out my phone. Yeah. I go, you, like, Iron Maiden, she goes, yeah. And I go, and I'm showing her all the stuff.

I put her on a slayer, I put on a testament, I put her on to all that stuff. And she likes the smith, new order, the gear. Yeah, we're good loves every he loves. The cure is garbage. I mean, they got some good song name one. I don't know the names. Yep.

Love song. Love song. What? Love song. How's it go? We've hung on every song they sing and love cats right sing that one how's it go love cats what the fuck are you saying stop it it's the worst I listen the songs that I did know I was was like, all right, I can tolerate this.

Comedy comes in free. Comedy comes in free. Yeah. Like a Richard comes in for it. Ian Finance comes as many times as it'll take. If you got a dick. Yeah. And a pussy.

I'm not. Have you ever come on another guy's dick on his hard dick? Just say yes. No, I mean, this is interesting. No, I'm going through a of the decks of experiences right now. Yes, that's the truth. Yes. You have on a Transwomen's Weener too.

Oh, that's different. You did both? Well, it's separate times. Yeah, but there was a guy and then the Transwomen. What? Not in the same time. You said it's separate times, but you ejaculated on the hard penis on it.

Can I ask a question? Is that a faux pas? What? Like if I was banging it too. No, it's a faux pas is you saying faux pas. Yeah, it's a faux pas. He's leaning with the faux. Yeah.

You want to go with the pot. If I was fucking a dude or a dude was fucking me and then he came on my dick and I was like, dude, come on, dude, what the fuck man? The fuck am I? You're napkin? The fuck in. Come on, dude, what the fuck man? The fuck am I, you napkin? The fucking, come on your own, fucking dick. That's about the first time I've spit out a drink because of laughing, maybe you don't have to, you don't have to, if that happens,

you can pull it back and fling it on it. And it's just guy, you're right, it is like, are we doing this? Yeah, dude, hey, I'm gonna, you're come off my fucking dick. Yeah, dude, I'm gonna, finish fucking me. I'm gonna come off my fucking dick. Yeah, dude. I'm gonna finish fucking me. Yeah, I'm not a girl I'm gonna leave fucking treat me like a girl. I'm a do you?

Who you trying to convince? I'm just saying I'm not a girl But you're right. That's the equivalent of jackulating on a woman's stomach. Yeah, girls are like come what do you want me to come on my stomach? Come on girls like that if you come on a dough you come on a guy's dick, it's like, come on, I gotta clean up you. You know, I ain't, I don't like that. You've never had a girl be like, hey, come on my pussy. Yes, I have. Yes, so what's to say, a guy can't be like, hey, come on my dick.

And as soon as I did it, the one girl I did, she was like, ah, this is a mistake. Really? She had post-nut clarity from you. I'm in here, we had a fucking clean it out Coming is I can I be honest with you about coming? I don't like come. I don't either. I don't I don't like it I don't it's fucking the girls who love it and then the question there is do any girls really love come one I think she's from like fucking like Vermont

I think she's from like fucking like Vermont. Michelle Obama. Yo, Michelle Almscomon of Face. She got a dick. Yeah. She be fucking. Allegedly. That is Michael Obama. That's the rumor.

I'll stop. And that is what I led with when I went to my 20 year high school or you needed people I hadn't seen in years. I was just going up to people telling them conspiracy theories, because I couldn't give a shit less about where he lived. How many kids? Yeah, you opened up, hey, how you doing?

You see Michelle Obama's cock? Oh, no, no, straight up, like they're like, like, oh my god, Amanda, so good to see you. Yeah, what have you been up to? Well, I've been kind of getting into like reading, and I was reading that Michelle Obama is actually a man named Michael, and they're like,

ah ha ha ha ha. And there's no way for them to tell whether or not you're being serious. She's no, they don't have that time. But for me, I couldn't stay in the hospital, which bothered me, because in New York, up in Hell's Kitchen, whatever, I forget the name of the hospital,

they used to let you stay as a husband, you could stay in the room with her all night and they were like, you have to leave it a certain time and I was like, why? Apparently there was a guy, is that one guy to run? Going around, finger-fucking women in their sleep, I swear to God, stop.

Yep, he ruined it for everybody. A dad? No, it was a guy. Like a guy would come up to the floor and he was sexually assaulting women. So he ruined that for every man that had any hospital? Yes, well that hospital. You couldn't stay after eight o'clock because they didn't have enough staff to keep going in and check in.

That no one's getting for it. Yeah, or you paid a thousand dollars for your wife not to give finger blast. Yeah, you look at a ad in the paper. It says wanted, you know, whatever, something that, you know, help wanted Presbyterian hospital and you show up and you go, well, you know, I'm not a nurse that you don't have to be. It's all right.

And they say they ask you references. What is this job? We need you to make sure that nobody's finger fire. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, but go in and look in there. Vagina's make sure there's no fingers in there. Okay. But what if I see it, you don't, if you can't also you need to get in there, feel in there with your finger to make sure there's no fingers. Yeah. Okay. But what if it's the husband, finger fuck on the wife? You need to tell me let me know. Let me know if you're going to do it. Okay.

It was, it was nuts. And then I left and my wife had a panic attack the first night. Dawn, who's one of the strongest human beings, I know, who never panic. She just bottles it up like a good old Boston chick and buries it. After the baby was born. After the baby was born, I had to leave that night, and I got a call from the nurses that she fucking lost her mind in the middle of the night at all hit her. And they all I all these nurses, I love nurses. They all gathered around her. Yeah.

And and they they they slapped their yeah, they, they shut the fuck with them. And then they started finger fuckering. And she was like, oh, then she came. Shut the fuck up. Okay. All right. You're okay. And she was, it's good. Yeah, that's what I have to do to her now

when she has panic attacks. I have to force finger fuckers. I have to, why have a bunch of nurses that are on call that come over and we force her? What's going on? I'm gonna fuck you up. Good. No, but they helped her through it,

which I was bummed. I wanted to be there. That's my thing. I was supposed to be there. And I had some three fat middle-aged nurses calming her down. And she was asking for me. And I was home sleeping,

having pizza, Doritos, fucking playing Xbox for the last time. And, you know, she, I couldn't go. I couldn't go. It sucked because that finger fucking loser. Yeah. What are you going to do, though? What are you going to do?

You know what I do know? Yeah. I know that Carvelles, low fat chocolate swirl ice cream is one of my favorites. Carvelles is one of the greatest places I've been in my life. And it's underrated. There was one time in my life I walked into Carvelle. And I walked out with a, I had a Sunday, it was by one get one day. God.

And I walked out and I had a shake and a con. And I walked out and my grandmother was in a car waiting for me, and I just shaking, I was taking the cone, I was putting in the shake. And I got in the car and my grandmother went, you have a problem. That's a fat, that's some fatso shit right there. A bad moment.

It was a fat moment, it was not good. I mean, that's nuts. It was not good. It's a similar fat moment when you're eating alone, and you bump it to somebody you know, and you go, fucking, I take just my fucking, my friend canceled, sucks. That's why I got two beats. I have three appetizers here because I was, I had a bunch of friends coming, but you know, they don't want to be here. What's the most you've ever eaten? It's a good

question. I don't know. I mean, so I know, I could describe the meal. Yeah, I could describe it. Go ahead, describe it. I guess it might have been like a Smitha Wollinsky steakhouse where it was me and another person and we had like a selfish tower for four, rib eyes, big potatoes, macaroni and cheese, hash browns, chocolate peanut butter pie, like peach milk, but like everything on the menu and just left feeling,

just grotesque. I ate one and a half pizzas by myself one night. Wow. One and a half by myself. Wow. And I had, I've done one, I've never done the half. The half is a special thing. And I've eaten, the half is crazy.

It's crazy. One and a half. And I had ice cream too that night. I know, it's bad. Eating is very, very bad and it's hard. What's the most ice cream you've ever eaten? Ooh, good question. I can eat a lot of ice cream.

Well, I can eat a lot of ice cream too. I think, because you don't know, you know, once I have like half of one of the big boys. I've eaten the eighties. I've eaten the whole big boy. Yeah, because the big boy is a problem. Big spoon, extra spoon, sat there. Ice cream just doesn't exist.

Doesn't exist. It's all of a sudden, it's just, it goes away. You don't feel it. I wish you could get a shot. I think you can now, I think it's called a Zempek. I wish you could get a shot where you just, you go, I'm not, I don't care. Like I have friends that look at food

that I just don't care about it. I had a slider today and a place called LeConda Verde, a lamb slider, tomato sauce, a little leaf of mint and a ricotta cheese, ricotta, whatever. And I just ate it and I was a trebekah and I ate it and I went, I mean, there's people that eat it and go and I was one of my friends at the table and I was like, it's so good, he goes, yeah, there's people that eat it and go, and I was like, there's one of my friends at the table who I was like, she's so good.

He goes, yeah, it's good. I'm like, I wanna be, yeah, it's good guy. Cause it's good. I'm like, no, not, yeah, it's good. It's, should we order two or three more plates of these? Should we like ask them if they have more than we can take home? Like, but that's why I got my stomach most of it taken out. Yes, because I was like you.

Well, I'm right now I have a plan to drastically reduce calorie intake, but here's, but here's what I'm gonna do it. It can be done. It can be done. Okay, yeah. For a minute. But here's what I'm gonna do it. Yeah, I'm going to the Ukraine. Look, you listen, you can do it. I don't want to do the gastric only because I want to try it on my own first. I did it. I did the same thing. You told me not to do it.

I did it. I did the same thing. I told you not to do it to sleep. You said don't do it. You said just try it on your own first. You literally told me that. I, because I, I did this too. I tried to do it on my. You said don't do it, you said just try it on your own first. You literally told me that. I, because I did this too. I tried to do it on my own first.

Yeah. I believe you should always try to do it on your own. See if you got it in you. And if you don't, and you wind up losing weight and gaining it back like I did, right. And gain, and gain 10 more pounds back. Right.

That's what I was doing. Right. Yo, yo. That was going, yeah, it was yo, yo, yo. And it always went up. Yo, yo, ho, ho. Yo, ho I was doing. Right. Yo yo. That was going yo yo yo. Yo yo. And it always went up. Yo yo yo ho ho. Yo ho.

I love ho ho's. What do you like? Do you like a ho ho or ring ding? I like a ho ho on the yo yo. I love a ho ho man. I love a ho ho. Oh yo yo yo. People listening to this crashing their car.

Afro. What is happening? Why? We're gonna be over. It's all gonna be over. I get new. Yeah. Go back on his Patreon. We're getting new. Yeah, it's not. Go back on his Patreon.

We're getting new. How do you need the money for? Yeah, please go on my Patreon. But I say, if you can't do it, it's the best thing I ever did. And I know five people have gotten it since I got it. No, I think it's all got it. I think it's all a big lie.

I think they all got it. 100% she got it. She got it. 100% she got it. It got it. A hundred percent. She got it. It has to be this. Of course. Now, what I don't like is they're actually having young kids do it, which is stupid.

What if a young kid's like, listen, they go to the doctor and they're like, listen, I want my dick out and I need to sleep. What do you want for your birthday? I told you what I want for my birthday. I want a smallest stomach. I don't want my dick and balls gone. I want my pussy and a sleeve. I want a pussy wallet and I want a sleeve.

Cut my stomach out and give me a pus. Cut my stomach out and make a pussy, pussy lives with my stomach. If you have all that stomach, you can make me a fat pussy. I want a big hamburger pussy. Grandpa, can I have a fat pussy with my leftover stomach? podcast. Thanks for listening. Now go back to your shitty jobs.