Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD: Live From New York City!

Episode Date: February 13, 2012

YKWD goes live in front of a studio audience from the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. With special guests Joe DeRosa, Bonnie McFarlane, Bob DiBuono and Wil Sylvince. Presented by The LaughButton Live. RiotCast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ya son casi las dos, nos vamos a ir a casa o hemos venido a jugar. A casa, a casa, nadie va a irse a casa. Hay que ponerse modo de racón. ¿Eres un dragón? Soy el dragón de Fireball. Ya te digo yo que las mejores historias siempre piezan con un chupito de Fireball. Bien, frío. Yo, pues al lío.

Un Fireball, sabes que la fiesta será épica. Ignite the night, con fireball! Disfruta de un consumo responsable, 33 rados. ¡You're listening to Robert Kelly's, you know what dude! ¡On the Riotcast Network, Riotcast.com! Ok, este podcast es la cualidad de la cualidad, es f***ed. Aquí es la disclaima. Si no te gusta f***ar, sound, don't listen to this podcast.

This is the one we did live at Gotham Comedy Club last Wednesday. The sound got fucked up. They didn't do the right level checks at the beginning. So there's a lot of popping and hissing and cracking when we start to scream. So I'm putting this disclaimer at the front of it. If that shit bugs you, do not listen to this podcast. Do not fucking email me and complain or tweet me or Facebook me and complain about the sound quality on this one we

fucked up we know it we're acknowledging it we weren't gonna put it up but you know what we wanted to make sure that the people who did wanted to listen to it got a chance to listen to it so if you don't want to hear that type of shit just move on. We put an extra podcast up on this Monday just for you, mother fuckers. So we hope you enjoy it. If not, just move on and go to the next one. Thank you very much.

Everybody showed up. It was one of the best shows we have ever done. I can't thank you enough. So we hope you enjoy it. Take care, dude. Hi, everybody. I'm Matt from the last button. A few things to note. We're going to be recording the show tonight, both audio and video.

So be very energetic. Clap a shit, ton. Let's get the levels. Actually, everyone, we're going to ton. Let's get the levels. Actually, everyone, we're gonna clap, so we can take the levels. All right, awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stick around, because after the show, we're gonna have some limited-distant lithographs that are numbered, that'll be available, Castle Signum for you, then you can go out

and do the night, take them with you. Let me bring you up, go out into the night take them with you Let me bring up the the man of the hour you guys know from comedy central from Louis It's got new sitcom coming out or new drama. I'm sorry coming out this fall What's up, Frank? I was going to have from Mad from Laugh. Laugh by the live. There's never talked to no microphone before. You you scream like a squire. Here, here, here, here. If you do mouse, it comes to fucking speakers like a magic. Give it up for Matt for fucking doing.

What is he? What is he? What are we? Some of you just streets, I don't even know. Welcome to the first ever podcast live, you know what, dude, it's pretty amazing that you guys came out, I didn't think anybody would fucking show except for friends of mats and Chris Ellis from, all right, one dude. I think that was Chris actually, or his lover.

That's what he calls his wife, lover. It's a whole motley crew type thing. This is pretty amazing that you guys came out. This podcast I did a year and a half ago on my iPhone, and now we have all this shit. And you guys, which is fucked up to me, how I was trying to keep myself awake trying to go to a road gig in the Hampshire with an iPhone and a podcast,

and now all you assholes show up in the snow to see us do this. So hopefully it's a lovely disaster, hopefully some fucked up shit happens, and hopefully it's interesting. What we're gonna do tonight, we're gonna do, instead of just doing the podcast, which I know we're so fucking fascinating

and our thoughts are amazing, and our opinions are wow, and we add hot quamer into that. Woo-hoo! We're actually gonna do some stand-up, which is a fucking weird thing for comics to do, on podcasts. We're gonna have a couple, Joe Deroza,

Dangerous Show, is gonna be here. We got Bonnie McFallon from MyWifeHatesMe. Okay, that's enough. And we have, we have, we have Rich Vos kinda. Rich Vos might be showing up tonight, which is fantastic. So, and you have tonight, which is fantastic. And you have me, which is whatever.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, fuck you, sir. I knew you didn't like me from the second I walked up here. You have a beard that doesn't connect. You don't like me. I'm too alpha male for you. But you know what? I'd hug you. I'm not that alpha male for you. But you know what? I'll hug you. I'm not that alpha male. My wife is here tonight, which should be uncomfortable.

It is. It's gonna be weird. She tells me, this is the fucked up part, is she tells me not to say shit. Do you understand? Like, things that I do at home that I'm a comedian. So funny shit happens happens and I'm like Oh, and she sees my face and she goes fuck you

No like Okay, I do this joke. This is one of the things that she told me never to tell anybody Don are you here? Don, babe. Baby, can I please? Can I just please tell them what you did? She, fuck, don't eat! She She We are going all right darling. Don't leave wait wait wait wait wait wait

Where he's never gonna know We had my friend over We have my friend over for some more Sunday Sunday. And he's in a wheelchair. Wait. He's in a wheelchair, which is funny, right out the gate. Just young people with friends with wheelchair. That's just fun. You know what I mean? Because you know, he can friends with wheelchair. That's just fun You know what I mean because you know he you can fuck with him

Leave him on a corner You know what I mean just go out and he can't get down the stairs because it's a brownstone Well anyways, we had the soup old party and my wife is a beautiful woman. I love you But it was one of the funny things I've ever after the party, you know, people in wheelchairs don't let you know, it's a hassle. He's got to go down the steps and do some fucked up walkin' and fuckin' pop back down. Hopefully he hit dead center and then go and we have to find one of those cabs that are hard to find. Is that it? One of those boxy fuckin' or wait for the bus. And then it takes another 20 minutes, g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g- And he was like, I don't know, man, I just want to hang out. I miss you guys. And I looked at my wife, she's in the kitchen clean, and she went, she went, you.

You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You.

You. You. You. You. You. You understand that she banded my, me. Pushing my friend in a wheelchair out the fucking house, but she did the wheelchair.

Which you can't fuck with funny, no matter how fucking evil it is. That makes me laugh to this day. So listen, I'm not going to take up too much time. We only have a certain amount of time here. I want to get to this. I'm gonna bring up the comics. The first one that you guys know, he's one of my, he's the guest host on the show. I love the guys, one of my best friends, we're writing a book together. We did a movie together, which he'll tell you. He fucking directed and fucking prudoo.

Cocksucker. And he's a great middleer if you need somebody to, if you're a headliner and you need somebody in front of you to really fucking not do too good or not do too bad to set you up to look good. You know, he's hilarious. Give him up for John Arles, everybody. Bang the show. Thank you. Where are we going? The genre also has a bit of dangerous gel. Thank you, Ronald Kelly.

And Don Kelly, give it up for Don Kelly. They're in the... What? She didn't do it. I told the joke. She told me not to say it. I give up. My hands off the dawn.

Dawn is nothing but sweet. Every time we go over the house, she's cooking food. She's making coffee. She's saying lovely things. I just love that she's got that rotten fucking evil down in her heart. It makes me happy. It makes me feel closer to her.

How bad did you wish that the guy in the wheelchair was in the back? But Bobby didn't know. I was fucking praying. He was fucking, thanks a lot man. And fucking. And there's Bobby run out of the room. Wait, wait dude, come back dude.

I don't need you, I don't need anybody. You can't get to the stairs, you'd have to wait for me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I love you Sam wherever you are. By the way, I love Babby's genius fucking logic. Don't let me tell the story. He's never gonna hear this except for the podcast that's being documented on. What's gonna go on the internet next week? It's gonna go on the fucking internet next week. He's gonna hear it. I fucked up.

I fucked up. Oh Jesus. What's he gonna do? Nothing. I've rolled over my toe. Oh fuck. No I can't. Well, we like Bobby's that I want to take up too much time up here because we want to get to the actual podcast. No you're supposed to.

Huh? No you're supposed to. I know. I'm just saying I want to get to the the material. Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah. I'll shut up. No, it's fine. I like it. Oh, you do? Yeah, I don't get ahead. Do you want to hear what? Oh, do you want to hear a funny story? This happens today? Comedy show. Yeah. It's not a tragic fucking story. This is a grandmother died The end... This is my grandma that died. The end. This is...

I was with my friend today, and he said this to me. I was laughing so we're standing outside a Rockefeller Center, and he's a comic, too. Comics have the most disgusting stories. We just do the... You guys think comedy's like fun and goofy, and it's not. It's really dark and fucking creepy and weird and

He's telling me this story. He's like, yeah, dude. So after a show man. This is the exact quote And he wasn't trying to be funny. He goes after a show when I do right I take this chick to love park and filly Right I'm fucking her against a tree right dodging style And he goes I'm just fucking her you know raw dog raw dog, dude, raw fucking dog. I'm just banging her. And then she looks back and she goes, do me a favor, don't come in me, but you can come in my mouth. And I was like, okay, cool. It's such a weird fucking world, dude.

That was his actual... Such a weird fucking world, dude. I actually got me fucking hard a little bit. I filled up. When you, because you started pumping, you're like, you fucking line up, I can tree. And who fucks you? I'm fucking on a tree is so hot.

I know. When he was telling me I was bawning up outside of the skating rink. I've never seen, it's like a Yeti. I've never seen somebody fuck on a tree. Imagine driving by a park and just seeing a dude fucking, just a chick on a tree and she's leaned up. You know what I'm like?

And the fucking bird lands on her shoulder. And... Do you know what? Do you know what I just fucking realized? I was like, oh shit, we're not in your kitchen doing this. Like usual. I have to watch the things I do with my body as we talk. Because as you were saying that, I did what I would do

if it was just me and you. I put the water bottle where my cock is. And I went, I went, oh, yeah, dude. Ah, like that. Like for you. And then realize there's all these fucking people here who liked it, too. Yeah.

And I love the heat. Here's the funniest thing, talking about sex. This is the funniest sex thing a guy ever told me. My friend and I robbed that I went to college with, he's like the fucking, like he's Russell Crowe. He's that guy, you know, he just, he's russied the manliest man ever. And he comes up to me one day and we're talking

and he goes, he goes yo bro, my birthday's coming up next week. Girlfriend said I can have anything I want no matter how fucking freaky it is I go that's awesome, man. Would you ask for and he goes check this out I want to put the football game on I Want to eat a bunch of hot wings? And I'm gonna have a beer She's gonna suck my dick while I eat the hot wings and watch the football game.

I was like, all right, that's cool. And he goes, here's the kicker. I get to wipe my hands off in her hair while she's so fucking unique. Yeah. What an original thought. Yeah. And he's telling me this, he's telling me this like cool, like he's like, you know, like

he's fucking laying out the plan. This is what's going down, right? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, this guy's, I don't know if there be horrified or amazed, you know? And I go, Jesus, so what'd she say? Is she gonna let you do it? And he goes, fuck no, she told me to go fuck myself. That's like God, hey. Yeah, thank God. Thank God, I just, what a fucking awful awful visual just some poor girl with her hair, with hot wingsauce in her hair and her crop face? Just doing this something about Mary except with hot wingsauce.

Jesus, alright, anyway. Alright, we're luck, one, the topic is sex and I've already burned about five minutes. Let's take the last five of this set to really get into something sexual that we've talked about in the podcast quite a bit I'm sure all of you for some of you have heard me talk about my affinity for a certain porn star You mean guy Male porn star I mean guy, male porn star. Don't run it. There's some twist and turns in this story

for the people that don't know who she is. Tweet, look at it, go ahead. Don't give it away. For those of you that don't know who Bailey J is, she's the hottest chick on fucking earth. She's my favorite porn star ever. She's perfect. She's black hair. Boo, bangs. She's my favorite porn star ever. She's perfect. She's black hair

bangs Long jet black hair porcelain skin and rosy cheeks their voices so like Angelic and boobs and their cute little butt and her hips You know she's got a penis. We're hate but That's a drawback for some people. I don't give a fuck She's the hottest girl I've ever seen. Yes, I would jerk her off. Yes. Yes, I would table my no-hand jobs policy to hook up her belly. Hey, not that she let me. That's how fucking hot she is. Having a dick doesn't bring her down to my leg.

Dottest hand. How fucking hot you have to be to be a chick and go, yeah, cock, beat it. Fucking hot. Really hot. So here's the point people. I accept her, I, I, I, I, I dated her her dick. It's just part of her. It's just, I would look at it the way I look at the laundry. You know, I'll get to it later.

I don't have time right now, but I'll get to it. So, you open your mouth when you do the laundry. Huh? Yeah, I'd wash your pants like this. Anyway, wow. That really, the laugh of that wasn't worth the gesture of doing it. Let me tell you, I thought that was going to really get it explosive. And then, I was like, no, I'm just licking a fucking fake cock in the air.

Anyway, the laugh almost shut down the live audience. Now here's a thing, here's a thing, there's something I need to talk about. We talked about this a lot on the podcast and I talked about an opian Anthony too and guys are narrow-minded when it comes to something like this because they go to Tranny whenever. Would you suck or dick? That's right where their head goes immediately. Would you suck or dick? Joe, she's got a dick. Would you suck or dick? I don't know. All right? I'm not sure. There's a lot of steps that lead up

to sucking a dick. I don't know what my boundaries are. I don't know where I tap out. All right, and I really thought about this. Let's say I did go out in a date with her. All right, and we're going back to my apartment. We're on the elevator. We're drunk. We're making out. We're grinding.

The against the wall elevator grind. And all of a sudden, I feel her boner pressing up against my boner, exactly. Yeah, it's fine. It's not that hard to see where this has gone. It's not a fucking Hitchcock movie. It's fucking me about the second dick. Uh. You know, but maybe I feel that, right? And I go, ah, no, I don't like that. I don't like things pressing up against my boner, especially when it's another boner. I don't care for it, or, or maybe I go strong.

Firm. Reassuring. I want to get a look at this thing. It's maybe I take it out of her pants. And I grab it. And maybe I go, ah, no! I've never touched a penis besides my own. I do not care for that.

Or... Maybe I go smooth. I do not care for that. Or... Maybe I go... Smooth. Like a porcelain wrapped in a fine silk. This feels like a bunch of marbles in my hand. And when I was young, I like to put marbles in my mouth. Let's see what this is about.

So maybe I put a dick in my mouth people. Maybe I do. Who gives a shit? It's my life, right? Are you done? Is that it? No. Oh, good. No. Okay, good. You had me on the fucking marble thing. Oh No, but maybe I put a dick in her mouth, but my mouth pop right? Yeah, yeah, maybe I don't like it Maybe you maybe I gag when I do it. Maybe I go Right, you're not used to it right or maybe I gag like this. I Don't know what kind of gag it's gonna be you gagging and then you spit on it. It's right

I did that way too well You know you know I mean work out from the same cloth once a guy like us is gagging and spitting We're swallowing who the fuck are we kidding you? I mean you don't walk up to home plate and not cross it. You slide across that motherfucker and you skin your elbows if you have to. Right?

I'm like, what's here, right? Yeah, I know. So here's the last part of the story. I was on OP in Anthony and we talked about Billie Jean. We also talked about her counterpart, Buck Angel. Buck Angel is a woman that used to be a guy. Now, it's like, now a guy. Buck Angel was a guy.

She got operated on to become a man, except she kept her vagina. Okay. So Buck Angel looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin with a pussy. Okay. And we're on the radio and Jim Florentine said to me, the rosa, the r said, what would you do? Would you fuck Buck Angel in his pussy?

Or would you suck Bailey J's dick? What's Gayer? And I said, Jim, no offense to Buck Angel, but I couldn't get a heart on for that guy if I had popsicle sticks and duct tape. However, I would happily skip into a fire to blow Bailey J. All right. Now, I thought that was funny. I thought that was a humorous funny thing to say. Yeah, great. Guess what? You know who didn't?

Park Angel! And you know how I know? Because he threatened me on Twitter. And you know when he threatened me? 10 minutes before I got to perform at Carnegie Hall. 10 minutes before a man waits his entire life to perform at Carnegie Hall. Our girlfriend, Bill Burr, had a show there. He gave me the honor of opening for him. I was sitting backstage saying, my god, I'm about to go out into the stage

that Mark Twain once stood on. But I got 10 minutes. Let me check my Twitter. And that was Buck Angel. Yeah, bro, I heard what you said. You better watch your fucking mouth. I'm watching you. I will beat the shit out of you.

Let me tell you something, people. If a man's ego were ever to be inflated by the honor of performing at Carnegie Hall, that same ego is immediately deflated when you get a threatening tweet from a man that has a pussy. That lets you know where you stand in life. So thank you for listening. Put the mic back. Sit down, drum. Take a seat, my friend. General House everybody, that's right I'm a lazy host. I'm not getting back on. Fuck that. What's up? Good set, you have home home. I, I, I, I, now, first of all, I, you, are you gonna sit right next to me? I thought you would read, you're gonna sit over there.

Yeah. I was gonna do right next to you until the other people came. No, that's not enough to all that. Okay. No, not because, no. Because I'm trying to get rid of my heart on. Can I touch it and see if it's actually hard? Touch my cock? Yeah. Are you fucking, my wife is, are you fucking nuts? You want to touch my cock?

Yes. No, what the fuck is wrong with you? I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to. What the fuck happened to you? That's like asking for food, not eating it. That's stupid. I asked to touch it. I would touch it.

No, it has. I don't want to touch it in a sexual way. I just want to see if you actually have a boner. OK, all right, we get to stop and go back. I don't know if that exists. If you touch my cock and it's hard, that's sexual. That's not scientific. Are you afraid?

What the fuck are you, myth busters? I know you dress like both of them. What's the fuck? You got your dress like Melissa McCarthy in bridesmaids right now. Go fuck yourself. You're just like Melissa McCarthy in bridesmaids right now. Go fuck yourself. You're just like Mr. Carter. Listen, are you, now are you, be honest.

Are you afraid that if I touch it, am I gonna get a little more hard? No, no, no. I wouldn't, I'm, dude, you know, let me tell you something. It takes so much to get my call card now. It's, I've been through so much. I had, seriously, I have, my wife has to wear like, I make her wear a robe, this little robe. It's like this fucking weird robe.

It's not even sexy, it's not like a, it's just a robe. But it does something weird for me when she wears it. It reminds me like the, the member of the lady, member of Porquies with a fucking Spanish chick that gave everybody crabs. I never saw porkies. Well, no, last, last American virgin. Was that it? Well, they went in and fucked the Spanish pitch. She did with pizza delivery guys. Was that the movie? Yeah. Okay.

Thank you. One old dude. Fucking cock sucking young hipsters are like, what? What movie? You mean last American pie? They made movies before those movies. And these guys went in and there was a Spanish, oh, Spanish chick, big tits, she had this little robot and it just brings me back to my childhood. So yeah, I mean back to the point,

it takes me, I can't just get harder. I don't see tits and my dick goes nuts. My dick is like an old dog. It sees tits. You have to go to my dick and go and rub it's battery. And then you're like, I'm like, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

Who's your boy, your boy, your good boy. And then it might go, ooh, and the tail might wag a little bit. I'll tell you what, I was in a similar boat. I stopped watching porn. My penis gets hard now. Like if I get excited about tips in a movie now, like if a girl starts, they're gonna, I'm like, oh, they usually wear fucking boobs.

Like I get actually very excited about it. I can get a boner now from almost anything. I know, yeah. I'm sorry, fucking guy got that. No, but I mean, like it's, it's very... I read this book called The Kosha Soutra. A Soutra, it was written by some fucking... I'm a Soutra.

Wait, Kosha. Kosha. What is it? It's a rabbi wrote a book about how to get your fucking sex life back up in a marriage or relationship. And one of the things that he talked about was, what happens with married couples or couples in general is that you walk around naked, you go to the, she's in the bathroom

or she's showering and you walk in and brush your teeth. You see each other naked all the time. So her tits, you get desensitized to seeing her naked. So it's not really a turn on it because she's changing in front of you all the time. And you know, like when you first see a pair of tits for the first time on a new girl, you're like, oh my, it's like the fucking arc of the covenant just one nipples bigger than the other.

And you know what I mean? You got a left one that's small and the other white one droops a little bit. But after you see that, and he said, you should stop being naked around each other. Stop, don't use the shone shower together. Don't go on the bathroom. Don't take it close off of everybody each other. And it actually makes you, and it works.

We stopped doing that a little bit. And then my wife came out of the bathroom with a bra on and I was like, ooh, I want to fucking touch those titties. You know what I mean? But I think it's the older you get to, it's like, you know, I'm a fucking dirt ball. I, you know, sexist. No.

I almost responded like, no, really, I am. Like, that's what a piece of shit I am. Does the rabbi, does the rabbi also say in the book that your cock has to be monitored by a Jew before your wife is allowed to put it in? Kosher meat. Yeah, I know, dude. You know what, dude?

I like, I let it come out and you got a couple. I just fucking let it go with that. I knew it was a shitty joke, but I had to do it. I, you have to go, come on, you have to go for the consummate. I just thought, look, if we were doing this show at the East Village in a fucking 20 person theater, yeah. No, it would have bombed worse there. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, the point is, the point is this, is that it takes, you become guys, I believe, where it's not our fault that we're fucking dirtballs or have sex issues. It's that we're fucking dirtballs or have sex issues. It's that we're brought up to, you know, like women you brought up with sex in like, you know, a fairy tale, a vampire with diamond skin. And, you know, we're taught sex in relationships, not with Barbie dolls or prints and prints and says, we're taught with a fucking video under a creepy uncle's bed.

And we turn it on and it's a chick with nine dicks and she's crying and we're like this is good yeah that's what they like they like you to kill them with their cocks yeah yeah I love dick and then we meet you and it's like die die die it's like I thought you liked me I like you a lot just kill kill yourself. You know what I mean? We don't, and we have fucked up with that. And then we go through life with that. And we're like, touch my dick, touch my dick.

And then you meet somebody that you really like and respect. And it's hard to treat that person like that. It's more of a challenge to get to the other side and actually look at somebody while you're having sex. And this is fucking weird shit. Looking at the woman you love, opening your eyes, literally looking at her and saying, you know, oh God.

Can you not direct every part of this right now, please? That's fucking them, and actually feeling something? Can you not direct every part of this right now, please? That's fucking, and actually feeling something is fucking nuts. Without having to close your eyes and go to some fucking, you know, chick you saw on the train and stay with that person, that's a fucking holy shit moment. And I've done it a few times. I'm actually connecting with the person I love, which is not because I'm trying to, I'm trying to have a baby,

which is a total another fuck you when you get to come in a woman and look at her face and smile. Just... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... And she's smiling back. She's not going, get the fuck off me, what are you doing? That's holy shit moments. That's nice, man, that's beautiful. You really put it beautifully. I listen, we're going to...

Again, you were being sarcastic. We we're gonna bring up the next person here. We're gonna keep the show going. This next person is literally one of my favorite comics, not as a woman, one of the funniest people I've ever seen in my life. On his way. It's one of my least favorite women. No.

Human being, I fucking a leader. I mean, uncomfortable to be around awkward, con bolotea, la región de Murcia nunca ha estado tan cerca, espectacularismos, rincones de película y un sincín de aventuras desesperan. ¡Fliparás! Vuelades de madrida murcia y a otros destinos que te sorprenderán a partir de 19 euros. Volotea. Parifa sujetas a disponibilidad, consult know, and he'd already made the joke. So I felt like, ah, let's let's get up there. Hang on, hang on. No, no, you should have just let my Joe, you should let my Joe go. Thank you. From from from shut the fuck up. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Filled it, Bonnie. No, your audience is amazing. I appreciate you guys from inviting me.

No, God. Thank you. Sausage, meat and great. I don't know. Jodoros, you are such a faggot. Thank you, Doug. And I'm not even, I'm not saying faggot not saying, faggot like that mean, faggot, I mean, faggot. Like that kind of like more feminized version of the word. Like he can't even like, well it looks like a lady, I'm not joking, I'm a...

Ah! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! So most in man, like, what do you want me to do here tonight? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Stop it right now. You do it everybody loves you. Oh, no, it does God I'm not so this is how maybe this is how I work. Oh, sorry Different you get up and you are you fucking probably the audience into loving you I thought it was actually kind of open and kind of unveiling I just said some real good body, okay?

I don't have no idea what you do. Body? Body does get frustrated. I actually asked this the last time I was saying I don't have a body. I go, Bonnie, be honest with me. Has a man that you've dated and ever threatened to hit you before? Because you really just have an asking for it added to. Oh my God.

She really does. I literally, I love Bonnie, but for some reason, tonight she walks in and she's just a twat. I mean, I've always talked to her. I wouldn't, if I knew she was at this, I wouldn't have her here. I wouldn't, I wouldn't have flown Boston. I am a beautiful woman with a tiny vagina, and I'm sorry I have a lot of fucking ego, okay.

My asshole is huge, but my vagina is tiny! Which is why I'm married to Jew. That is the reason. My biology. You guys are talking about weird sexual things. I feel sorry for guys that have like a weird fetish, you know, like a weird sexual fetish that they have to, because they have to go out into the world and still try to date, and still try to find someone to love them back, you know.

And you know that at some point they're falling in love with the woman, they're gonna have to tell her, you know, I can only come if I shit in your mouth. Is that a deal breaker? You know they like probably like drop hints. They have to like in the third day they're like you know there's fecal matter and almost everything we eat. It's true. Don't look at their poop. It's in nature.

Don't fake laugh. Don't fake laugh at me. I'm not fake laugh at you. Ah, okay. Stop while you're in securities, you're funny. You know it's amazing, but your audience. Ah. She's the worst. She's the worst.

You have to just turn on the people that love you. We invited you to be- Oh my God! What have I done? Nothing but mean shit to us. I'm laughing at you. Stop fag laughing. You're like those old ladies that live in Long Island.

Stop it! Stop it! I should have wore a belt. It is February. And I've noticed there's no white people. No, the guy at the door is the bouncer. The guy at the door. He can't come in but he's outside. Good one. Yes.

The white people will get a guy away. Wait on everyone. Fantastic. It's a really black history month. The longest month of the year. Um. Now, I make jokes. I make jokes, but I really am racist.

I want people to know that. It's refreshing. No, whenever I'm around black people, I talk black. I do that weird thing where I start to, you know, if you don't know, you're around like a bunch of black people that you start like, oh, I have a dream. Did I do that? I'm like totally talk black.

It's so embarrassing. That's where mercilessly cute. Yeah. That's where you'll turn to them. Yeah, we know. That's what we'll turn to them too. Yeah. You look like an alternative boy comic right now. You do. Yeah.

That is the kind of thing you've ever said to me. You look like one of the lords in Dogtown. Hey. Hey folks, if you could only grow a half beard, you'd You look like one of the lords of Dogtown. Hey, folks, if you could only grow a half beard, you'd have a fucking dog. You know what it's so annoying about you guys? You fucking throw out the stuff, but then look at you. You're so easy to make fun of.

You know that? You know that? You know that? He just said he likes to suck dick. And I'm not gonna put him in front of the wheelchair. Yeah, we know. That's the fucking show dummy. What do you think we think we're anybody?

We're not the big room, we're in the little room. I know. I know. Did you make this yourself, Bobby Kelly, this little stage? I did. Why would I fucking go after you in front of your own audience? Because you're a fucking star. Not a star.

Yeah. I hate my star. That's why I married Rich Voss. Oh. Pain. Come at me. What if I'm always saying, Why'd you move it to us? Look what I had to choose from.

I'm fucking better than Rich. Come on. Come on. Come on. You don't crush dice. I got crushed dice. What does that mean? I got a fridging at crushed dice on.

Okay, so you are winning. You are winning, yes. All right. Can I... Oh wait, Bonnie doesn't really think that when I call you, and not whenever, but sometimes you'll call her up, and they have a four-year-old daughter, and she's being like, no, no.

Sit, sit, sit, and it shall go, Joey, now I'm talking to Rich, right? I'm really funny when he do that. Aw, thank you. We guys, he's like, you've turned, you've changed. Rounded the corner. I don't know if I'm just gonna stand up. You got, you got, you got like a minute, you're done.

Okay, I'm gonna trust you. You got a minute, let's do one more and get over here Really amazing stand up Go ahead. It's the lower door. So I'm one of the really good you smell it God damn it. I didn't want to laugh baby I was out hey, let's go finish up the set I just put my own a microphone for that one

Fucking tie a lot. Fucking pile on. Thank you guys. No, you're cute. So I was talking about race and stuff. I don't know where to do. I don't know what to do. I did. But it's all stereotypes, isn't it?

It's all stereotypes. You learn these stereotypes when you're young. And then when you get older, you realize the things you thought you knew about people They're not really true at all like bald people you've heard your whole life bald is beautiful then you meet one Gross Like in-test babies like incest babies. Oh. I don't think I like a comb over is a better look

than pure baldness. Because a comb over is saying, hey, I'm trying. I'm doing the best of what I've got. What's baldness saying? Why do you keep pointing at me? I'm going to rape you. Ha, ha, ha. Bald people love to rape. It's the same hormone that makes their hair fall out. I'm gonna rape you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha way. Then I was being raped by a guy with hair. So you're welcome. Someone's finally telling

the truth up here. Okay. Yeah. Yes. That was fun. Let's see you went down on me. Then I wouldn't try it all. I'll let that happen. What? I like it. All right. Let's go. Come over here. Sit down. Give it up. Bonnie McFarlane, everybody. Bonnie McFarlane. Come over here. Sit down. That is so rude, Bobby Kelly. We love you. We love you so much.

Oh, it was me. You laughed. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. I tried to slap you five to say good-set. And you're going to get your nameset. Yeah, great. I see that. Yeah, body McFarland.

Body McFarland. I feel like you got uncomfortable. No, I know we have free. And you would let me do my fucking closing line. No, you're supposed to do 10 minutes, and you do in 15, and we have to go. We have a short time. I remember at the beginning, I go, look, we're going to have to keep... Right, so again, you go over.

You're known to go over. You know you go over. You know that you just keep going. Remember we did the benefit for the troops and you went up and did 40 minutes and you had 30 comics waiting to go on and you were just like, anyway... Even the guy with no arms is like, hurry up. It sounds like Bonnie Set was like the war. No exit strategy.

I did it on purpose. I made a shitty on purpose. That's spout. Christ, sorry. You got to know one of those. Hey, ho, let's go. You're not going to go away with two. No, hey, ho, let's go. You're not gonna go away with two. No, hey, ho, let's go.

It was beautiful. Thank you. That was a great one. Thank you. That was the best thing that Joe D'Aros has ever done. Why? Why are you so mean tonight? You're not a mean, but usually very nice to everybody.

And you're very mean. I mean, you're usually not this sensitive. Why are you so sensitive? Why are you to burrito? Because I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. Now what? Now what? I'm pissed that I need to get my fucking closing blind.

I've never done that. Oh, you had more? Oh, forget it. Don't worry. I didn't know your bit was ending. You don't know my bits. Well, I didn't know there's a lot of time in between parts. You know my clothes are because it's like a raucous round of applause. That's what happens.

What's the closer? No, I'm not good. Please. I'm not. No, I'm not good. You guys want to hear the closer. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Bonnie, stop that. No, Bonnie, Bonnie, if you, if you, if you, you better fucking, they, they wouldn't. What are you like, really? I'm gonna sit here and do a funny bitch. Just say it, just say it, just say it. Oh my god. No roast I wanna hit you in the face.

Just say it, hey, why? No, because he's acting like he's better than me right now. You can see it. No, I'm not! I would say he like, he's like, he's? He closed his eyes when he said that last line. He goes, just do your closing. No. Is that not annoying?

When someone closes their eyes when they talk to you, they think they're better than you. That's true. Or that is for God. It could be the glaring fucking lights shining into my face right now that maybe go like that for a minute. Or it could be those jeans are so tight. If people are talking to you and they're closing their eyes

That's if what natural because of your face, but otherwise For me honest with you I didn't know you bit was had more I apologize Thank you, but I that last part was good. Thank you. I you let me ask you question now you have your own podcast But you hate doing podcast. I hate doing it. This is dumb Why do you why do you hate it so much? I Because I'm she humiliated every single time as I am now Night I'll go home and I'll be like what do you say yo yo ho go go? I don't know what you said. No, it was a Ramones lyric. Oh Body cuz you're pants. That's all that was it was a remote joke in the feet

Huh in the hips? I'll be like why did they let me finish my joke? What was the joke I want to hear it then shut the fuck up about it That's a typical it's like my wife Man, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, go ahead. I don't want to now. What do you want to eat? I don't care what about McDonald's? No I don't want I don't want this to turn into some weird gender worse So why don't you guys just continue talking about transvestites that you want to have sex with Anyways, yo, I want to Both here. I'm on both your sides. Oh my god

That's all he is really I thought Bonnie was done because she talks slow. You're right. There are gaps, but you are a gap jumper. You do jump in when there's a gap. So I think you're both, you're both kind of, Joe yells. Yeah. No, Joe, that's his natural you get you know why cuz he's used to doing those clubs where you can hear the band That's not true. I'm used to a I'm used to raping women and you have to scream a lot when you do it Stop fucking moving Joe what the fuck is that to Joe? Yeah, but you didn't have to make the rape face I mean we got the joke. Is it convincing? Yeah.

You get that little 11 right here between your eyes? That a good, I have a good rape face. So, Bonnie, Bonnie, you do a podcast. My wife hates me with your husband. Joe, relax. Oh, wow. You do a podcast with, it's, honestly, got one of my favorite podcasts.

I love it. It's great. And you have fans of it here, right? One, yeah. Applause. Last week, you cried. Did you legitimately broke the fuck down? Yeah, you know what happened?

You guys talk about honesty a lot. Oh, you good to be honest. You good to be honest. Why fucking really honest, all right? Yeah. What happened? What happened was I wrote a script, and I said to my husband, hey, you want to try and do this for real?

And he said, OK, so we read it on the air, and it seemed real to people. It was fake? It was totally fake. You're lying. I'm lying. You're the worst to do a podcast with. No, did you really? I really're lying. I'm lying. You're the worst deal podcast with. No, did you really? I think that's amazing. Bobby and I have very sensitive podcasts where we make

up after fights we've had and express emotions to each other. It's just the worst right now. What the fuck? How did this turn into fucking just this? What you asked the question? You want to know why you cried. Oh, I don't know how to make it funny Bobby. I don't want to be funny I just wanted to why you cried. Why did you cry, Bonnie? Bonnie, Bonnie why why? Why did you cry? I don't I don't even know it was just we were just having a fight. We're just having a real Fight does he really bug you? He of course he does he bugs everybody Hey, that's my fucking husband

Well, we couldn't get rich here cuz he's in I don't know where the fuck he is. He's in Florida He's in Florida right now playing golf Pretending to work pretending to do a show. He's doing playing golf. So we got the next best thing, which is this guy Bob DeBono, who's a very funny comedian and he does the most amazing Rich Voss impression ever. So we have Bob DeBono, aka Bonnie's husband. Rich, Rich Voss here to do the show. Bob, can you please come up? Rich Voss ladies and gentlemen. Rich Vos, everybody. Rich Vos. Hey, we're going. Give it up.

OK, first of all, loosen up. OK. Loosen up. Let's give a round of applause for my opening acts over here. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. Let's give a round of applause for my opening acts over here. Okay. Hack one and hack two.

I have more credits than any of you people. Two comedy central specials, tough grow, Colin Quinn, and God's Bell. Where is my career going? That is the question, okay? So I'm married. Did this one right over here? Yeah, I own her, okay? I miss being single, though. Those days were great. I should take this homeless though. Those days were great.

I should take this homeless woman. That was great. When I was done having sex with her, I could drop her off anywhere. We're home. We're home. We're home. We're home.

We're home. We're home. Lucia, you want poetry? Go to Soho. Go to Soho. Go to Soho. Go to Soho. Go to Soho.

Go to Soho. Go to Soho. Go to So up, sir, undo those arms with your big head. Okay. Didn't you fall off a wall? When you went down a hill, did your head lead the way? Stupid Skye stinks I'm not feeling good at all I just went got a physical you ever do that. Oh shit. I went there today

Guy you know you go in there and check your eyes, your throat, your nose. Danny grabs my testicles, right? So then I come all over his arm. I'm thinking what kind of dentist is this? Oh shit. Shit. I think this is real. So I hop out of his van. Oh shit! Shit!

I think this is real. So I hop out of his van. I think this is real. That was three jokes in one, okay? How many comedians could do that? How many? We could do maybe two jokes in a premise, okay? I had three punchlines.

I have three kids. Anyone got a kid here? You got kids? No, I got three of them. Youngest one is four. I wish I could help with their homework. I am so stupid. Good day.

She's like, daddy, what's a pro now? I don't know. Now I'm gonna get paid. What's a hominem? A gay nimm. Now get back on that table and dance. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that.

I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that. You know, get back on that table and dance. Ha ha ha. Okay. The youngest one, she's always trying to draw pictures for me, you know. You have a kid trying to draw you pictures. She's like, daddy, look, I drew a house.

No, it's scribbleble would you want to live in that house he's doing better than rich she she actually she land in the middle she goes to these riches real jokes You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done you, Bobby Kelly. You let the fake rich boss do his closer. Because it was funny. Rich, that was... I feel bad. You're closer. Everybody go on the internet tonight and get her CD.

I don't have this. She doesn't have that. Because then like you, I wanted to wait till I was good enough. Oh, Jesus. That is true if you heard my first one. Robert Kennedy laughs. You had actor, original. Yeah.

No, stupid. Sometimes, honestly, when Rich is talking to me, I think of Bob DeBono. Like it's so, like his impression is so close. Oh, really, you have a fantasy of a D-level comedian. This is so mad at us. That is an insult, okay? Yeah.

If he called me doing Rich, I wouldn't fucking know. I know. I wouldn't know if it was Richard at. It's amazing. The real question is, if we really got rich, would he have done as well as Bob? No. That's the question.

No. You know what I mean? No. No. I mean, it wouldn't have, okay? You got to say I never fail as rich. I thank you. I never fail, is rich. I thank you. I never fail.

And that's exactly how I would say it, okay? What am I, Mike Perbiglia? That's horrible, comedians. Don't say that at this crowd, don't say that at this crowd. He's got the comedic timing of a softball machine. Yeah, let him go. What, World War Three, let him come down here. It's just my home.

So Rich, you've been doing this podcast with your wife for a while, do you? She hates doing it, do you like doing it? No, not really, I don't know. You love doing it. You love that. It's because it's cheaper than going to therapy. That's why. You've always said

that you never want to go to I've asked you to go to therapy. I never want to go to therapy. Because then I don't want... Well, first of all, I already did it with my ex-wife. Okay. And I spent $5,000 to have two women call me an asshole. have two women call me an asshole. He's not upset. He's not upset. Look, there's a black guy. We're all so nuts, everybody. Ah, shit.

Woo! Well, from Haiti. You here. So if you never gave to Haiti, that applause, that was a little something. You here on fucking hardwills laugh at it. Yeah. You're funny. It's Yeah. What did you say?

He said, I'm fine. Bob is wrong. I know. I was just making fun of his accent. Oh, sorry. Interpreter fucking Joe. I didn't know. Sorry.

I got excited. Can you hold on? I can get Bob to break character for a while. What am I, I'm mannequin? No. What? To do a rich boss joke. OK, go ahead.

As we talk to this beforehand. All right. Do, do, really quick. First of all, you got to stand up to do a rich boss Joe. Okay, go ahead. We talked about this beforehand. All right, do do really quick First of all, you gotta stand up to go though. Stand up and do the homeless do Jack Nicholson do a rich boss is homeless Joe, I want me to do a homeless one. What is it? What is it? Do he's gonna do Jack for the people that are here Live audience. He's gonna do it a live audience. He's gonna do it. They see you. What part of the sense is confusing? He's got to do Nicholson doing Rich Voss's homeless woman joke. Everybody understands. First of all, can I do another one since he already heard that one? Okay, yeah, good. Rich would be a lot

meaner to Joe. Just Who am I doing it as? Oh, dude Nicholson doing Vos's joke. She's one joke. She's not hacky. Yeah, Richie, I'm a dope. Richie be fucking ripping Joe a fucking new ass all right.

Airing him apart. You're gonna make you laugh. The other night I was so goddamn horny. That I am not done yet. I jerked off and I came in my eye and I won a stuffed animal. Oh God! Nice to know now. I Can I sit down now? Fucking hey

I want to quit the podcast and just have Bob do it I can't fool you yet, okay Will you the only other comic here? The only black one are you the are you the only other comic in the room right now besides us? Well, what? No, because if you want to want to come if you're the only one if there's nobody better come over and grab the microphone. Come on well, come on. The microphone. Come on, well, come on. Well, so good.

Get it up the well, so good. The black history month. Sit down. Grab the microphone. Take it off. You know, we're doing some... How you guys doing? All right.

Are you talking to us or them? I thought I was going to be the only man. Hey, how you doing? What's up? How are you? Bob, that is funny. Oh my god. Oh.

This Bob, but that's Voss. Bob. That's Voss. No, it's Voss. Oh, Voss. Oh, Voss. Oh, Voss. That's trying to take credit for everything, Kelly.

Okay. Yeah, bring on the compliments. Okay. You're gonna talk directly to the microphone, Voss. What were you saying? I was saying, boss is funny as hell. I never see boss this funny ever in my life. That's the third time that jokes been made

and it's gotten a big laugh every fucking time. Do you understand what boss is doing comedy right now? It's probably not his packed one. And there's no way people are laughing this much and a fake voice and it's not even a comedy club it's called like the pizza house. Alright Bob DeBono is rich boss I'll take it from Bob Kelly but you cannot fucking slam rich as a fucking impersonator. Thank you you I think I think I got a sick of For rich in this you know what I'm glad you fucking doing that good for you yourself yourself

I love it to make fun but now you're fuck you're going too far I haven't and he's definitely going to far and if you open your mouth I'm gonna fucking elbow you in the face What you remember that you made the first rich boss you're in? I'm married to that fucking asshole! I'm a loud. Jesus, I love white on white crime. Black History Month, this is amazing.

But you're not from America, you're from Haiti, so you don't really get black history month because nobody did shit to you in Haiti. I don't, am I wrong? I don't, yeah, Haiti's a fucking dream like that. I'm not saying, you pull up every fucking Monday, but I'm saying that, right? I still get to be bad, I think you guys don't separate the black people, you don't like, oh no, don't attack him, he's Haitian. No, you don't do that, do you? Yeah, well, yeah, I'm saying that right? I still get you bad. I think you guys don't separate the black people. You don't like, oh, no, don't attack him. He's Haitian.

No, you don't do that. Yeah, well, yeah, he's scared of you. Did you ever see those cigar movies? I'm on the board. Dude. I actually, I was wanting to, I saw the scariest thing in the world that scared the shit out of me. I knew the end of the world was coming.

I saw a fucking Haitian dude with crying. Red locks walking down the street, Haitian dude, and he was just on the phone, and he was just crying. How do you know he was Haitian? Cause he talked like you. I think. We knew it was Haitian cause he was crying. God damn it, really?

Joe, look at you, you don't run out of, wow. Nine, you're doing good. You're doing good. He's not doing good. Why you keep fucking encouraging him? Fucking shit. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, no, how do you know who's Haitian, seriously?

Don't judge. No, don't do that. You're not talking about that. I think I'm just going to go back and do a sequence. I can be an asshole. That's what you do after you bomb. Just try to act like you need to make a point really quick. That's what Rich Boss does.

That's, you know, that's his technique. He fuck, this is what Rich does. He'll say a bomb. He'll try to throw you into the bus, say something to you. If it doesn't work, he'll go, no, seriously. Do you have cancer? Are you sick? That's his technique. No, seriously, you have cancer. That's his technique, right?

Okay. What? No, I'm just doing me, you doing me, doing you. I'm sorry, you're right. I will go. Me doing you, me doing me. So it's plastic. No, what are you doing for Black History Month?

Anything? I'm being black. You are. You fucking are, dude. No, you know. You know what you make me sick about you? Let me rephrase that. You know what I'm jealous about you? You're stomach.

Bobby, I was your size one time. When? In 2004, I was 220. How much do you weigh? Oh, Jesus, man. You're wrong. You're so awesome. Wait a minute. It's Christ. Did you hear that? First of all, you're wrong, you're so honest. Wait a minute, Christ, do you hear that?

First of all, if you, that's you lady. This is right, this is what I'm saying. He said, what are you two 20? This girl goes, what? I'm sorry, fucking freak show. You work at the freak show in a county island, you can guess people's weight. That was, and you weren't even, that was true.

Yes, that was a compliment. She was a angry, she was fucking mad. That was, that was off 60 pounds. That wasn't, and I'm trying to be funny, 220, what? That was a like, hey, I think abortion is wrong. What? Like, what the fuck are you talking about? 220.

What? What did I say? I don't think you should try, you know, if you're 280 or whatever, just say it. I'm not 280. I was, I was, I'm actually lost 20 pounds. Keep going! What are you doing? What are you doing?

What am I doing? Bob, what are you doing? What am I doing? You're cheating. Loose away. No, I'm losing weight. Bobby Kelly's out. Loose and wait. I hope that's stuck in your fucking heads for the whole night. I last 20 pounds.

I was up to, I actually got my fattest I've ever been this time. This six fat was the fattest. Yeah, I've had six fats. I've, what? I have eight in me. I get eight in me. I'm gonna lose weight two more times. Try to get a deal and then I'm saying,

I'm fucking, I'm gonna sell in my place in New York. I'm gonna get a move to Cleveland and live the rest of my life and just eat fucking shit food and live in a shit town. Why is it so hot for you to lose weight? Why is it, cuz I'm food is my drug, dude. Food, I eat, I quit drinking. I'm sorry.

I get passionate. When I eat, it makes me feel good. Cuz I have nothing. I'm married, I can't bang hookers, I can't do drugs, I can't... No more hookers. Wait, eating hookers. It's been, I'm an upstanding citizen, dude. I stop banging hookers and everything.

I really am pounding myself on the bad soul. For not banging on prostacres. I'm smoking crack and I'm- What are you meanings? What? I don't bang hookers. Yeah. I stopped barking at the edge of the playground. I'm being a good person, dude.

Fuck you guys. Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you. What? I'll take you from her. I won't take it from you. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Food is my drug of choice. Like some people in this room have the same problem as I'm looking out. What's your goal weight? What's your goal weight? If I could be a weight, if I could be a weight and stay a weight, it would be 190. No, I mean on the, I mean on the heavy side.

What is it? Retail. Retail. You know, they mentioned a linebacker for the Patriots turning the Super Bowl. They were like, he's really big. He's around 265. I'm fatter than him.

And I'm also a foot shorter. I, it's fucking awful. I mean, you were never as big as me. Well, I was too toy. How tall are you? I'm 12 huge horder. It's fucking awful. I mean, you were never as big as me. Wow, how tall are you? I was lost to be 220. That would be my go away. 220. He's like, no, I wasn't a fucking pig.

I was too 20. So, what have you been eating? You can tell by that. He said, what have you been eating, Bobby? What do you eat every day? What's up, Rich? What do you eat every day? What's up, Rich? What do you eat every day? I feel like I'm being set up by the real Rich Faw. I eat, well, I haven't had a lunch yet.

Today's the lunch you had berry bonds. Seriously. Would you ever breakfast, John Pinnett? That was a Rich Faw. I like it. That was John Panette. That was a rich boss joke that has to grow. I like it. I like it. What do you like to eat?

I like to eat fucking, I like to eat everything. I like carbs, that's my killer. I love pizza, I love rice, I love bread, I love onion cheese. What? Macaroni and cheese. No, I'm a black. I like, you look black, you'll be a whole lot skinnier.

What, what do you say that? This fat black people? This fat black people. Yeah, but they don't look as fat as you. Wait a minute, you're saying there's a different black fat? Yeah. Black fat is different. Yeah, it is.

White fat is like glowy. I don't know, just shine. I'm glowy. It just shines a little more. That's so... What the fuck? You're brighter. It just stands out more.

I don't fuck it up. I don't listen. Can I just see, I want to just do me a favor and I know this is weird. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Will stop will stop for the show You got to show me your stomach I want to we're gonna do stomachs

You show your stomach I show my stomach and you're still shows his stomach wait wait full disclosure I don't know if I can hold Joe back I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. I got to stop. I got to stop. I got to stop. I want to see what white people, what white mothers look like.

You better worst swear than I do. You stupid. I didn't hear what he said. They got the stretch marks like the black girl. God damn well. What the fuck are you saying? He's talking about. He's talking about it. He's talking about it. He fuck is he saying? He's telling me that he's fucking sure it's live. Well, the fuck is he fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking

fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking I want to see your stomach, then Joe's stomach, and then my stomach. Okay. I'm gonna show my fucking stomach. No, we're not on the show. Ronnie's not showing her stomach. She's a woman.

I don't want, and it's my friend's wife. I don't want to see that. And I have a little weird crush on Bonnie. So I don't want to, I do. There's a weird thing. There's just a weird, we all got a stuff because you're a weird crush? Yeah. Don't believe it.

Trust me. Nobody wants to see my fucking stomach. You have a weird crush on Bonnie or you would crush Bonnie Wait wait wait wait okay, okay I Joe's on fire So you gotta just sit through the shit Okay, here we go all right you go first you show your stomach no start fat first why are you gonna go first?

And work your way up to what you should look Black History March. I shall first and work your way up to what you should look you Before I Was in before after I agree and will she go if you go will to you I agree to you To me I think because it's black history mart So you really want that's the that you want to waste it on that?

All right, here we go wait wait wait wait wait wait slow down All right, here we go Here we go here we go here we go here we go ready ready ready one two three banana Two, three, banana, banana. Whoo! Right? Right. And I saw a pubic hair. Man, you're fucking.

Oh, I have a hat. You're fucking, you're a midnight dark. You're fucking almost purple, motherfucker. You like pump a nickel toast. I get it. Bert. Bert, pump a nickel. Wow, you're good. Go ahead, here we go, Joe. Can we get some soft lighting for these two? I think we can.

Is that possible? Yeah. Okay, ready? Here we go, Joe. Joe, Joe. Here we go. Don't suck it in. Stop.

He suck it in. He suck it in. I suck it in. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go let it go let it go let it go Let it go let it go let it go let it go. Who? Huh? Let it go, Joe. Yeah. It was bad. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Yeah, puberty cares all his stuff. Do you? Yeah. Go, B. Yeah.

All right, everyone, move your seats back. Move your mother's back. Move your mother's back. Move your mother's back. Move your mother's back. Move your mother's back. It would be right if you didn't also show your crack right after. I mean... First of all, hand out the three-deak glass she's everybody. Ridgeboss! Ridgeboss! Nobody's shooting can take a photo.

That's another one. Here we go, ready? I'll do it. I'm never going to do this. Let it go! Let it go! Let it go! Let it go!

Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. My stomach was that big. I think it's sexy. I think it's I've I've fucked fat guys before what the Did you know I've I had sex with big girls before too and I like a big girl How long ago? There's a long time ago I've been married for four years ever with her like two years ago. No, it's not well. You

What are you she's here. You fucking moron? God the black community is so different. They're so different. That's so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, here we go. I had a few big women in my life. Really big, big women. Like, I was on top and both of my knees didn't hit the bed.

Honestly, like, I was on top trying... I never even understand it. Yeah, it's hard to understand. I got on top, I heard a kiss, and both of my knees didn't touch the bed. Like, I had to pick a side to be on. Yeah, is it wobbly, right? One girl I went with, she was really,

she was around 350 pounds, but she was a big girl model. So her face was really cute. And we hooked up, because I don't give a shit, and then we hooked up, but I hooked up with my promester of steak and cheese and fries. Aw.

We wound up hooking up, and after we were done, I thought she'd go back to her hotel room. She was like, you what's up with the steak and cheese? All right. I had to order the steak and cheese. If she just ate it on the end of the bed, naked, dipping just and ignored me, and just watched TV.

And then when she was done, she wiped her mouth with a full towel and left. I like that. I like that one. I never had a fat face, but I saw you saw these big baggy shirts, and I just told people I was into hip hop. And all the people who were in the hospital

was girls that took back to my place. And it was funny how I watched their feature expression when they were like, I was like, it's too late, bitch, it's too late. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, dead, dead, I was like, it's too late, bitch, it's too late. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, it does hurt when you're out of sh- It does hurt when you're out of shape, dude,

because nine times I'm telling him the girl, like, she's butt naked and I stole my jeans and shirt off. She is not trying to take my clothing off at all. She's like, I know it's not gonna be. Just unzip and let's just do it like that. It's really fucking sad, man. Really sad. You have to unplug the TV to fuck, because you can't even have that little red and

frayed light glow on your shitty body. We're spooning after sex. I saw my shoes and everything on. I listen, we're gonna wrap this up. We've been going on for I just want to say this I feel bad for being mean to you guys earlier. I didn't realize you were dealing with such weighty issues Thank you, Bonnie. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you, Bonnie for having me I also want to say this I don't know what kind of stuff you do like you know that there's like good fat and there's bad fat Right? I don't know bad fat. Do you know that Like, you know that there's like good fat and there's bad fat, right? And like, you're a bad fat. Do you know that?

What do you know? What do you mean? What do you mean? I mean, you're a bad person. I'm a bad person. I'm just fat and bad. That's fucking awful, you twat. What's wrong?

Jesus Christ. You know what, Bobby? I think you're great fat. Thank you, Joe. You're welcome. Thank you Joe Thank you, Jake dangerous Joe you're a nice guy. You're one of my best pals in the world And I love you no matter what you look like now suck is cock right now suck ahead what you say nothing what you say I said nothing Well listen, we're gonna wrap this fuck it up

Listen, uh, we're going over time here. I really appreciate all you guys for coming out. First of all, Will, sitting down. Thank you. God bless black people. I don't know. Black. Everybody, come on, everybody. No, be quiet. Just hold it up. And be angry. And now for Bobby a body a body That's fucking mean dude. I want to thank rich boss for showing up Rich boss we're gonna be next week killing myself And we got we're gonna be selling rich Rich Voss's DVDs after the show.

Bren, what, it's a CD or DVD? It's a CD. It's a CD. What's the name of it? Still empty. It's your fucking husband. It's your husband. I'm sorry.

We're selling that and we're selling all the special merch too. Oh, tell him I'm going to put more of my stuff. We're selling that. No, you want it by accident guys No, you can't we had a we had gig posters made oh yeah show them pretty Chris Ellis everybody from the syndicate come on up Chris Ellis and Matt get up here from left-button live They actually put this whole thing together. They made this possible. They threw the idea give it up for these guys one time for these guys hold those up

That's Matt Matt can't fit stay right there Matt. No, no, you're gonna hurt somebody stay right there Matt show you belly All right, all right, go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead, Joe, go ahead. Hold it up. Who wants that? Excuse me. Bobby had these gig posters made for tonight. It's for the show tonight.

I guess you had about, how many did you have made? We only had 100 made. They're actually silk screened, handmade by the artist. They're signed. There's only 100 of them. And the artist signed them on the back. What's that? No, it's signed on the back by the artist. No, they're numbered by the back They're numbered by the artist each one was handmade by another ever talk over me Chris

All right, we're not in fucking we hawking We I love we awk and I just So we're gonna be given away actually what are we how many we're giving away two of one? We're gonna be giving away two of these right now way actually what are we how many we give away two or one we're going to be giving away two of these right now right now fan of the podcast now one of you cock suckers you don't even know what's going on you just showed up who did the podcast pretty much everybody I think these people and these people know podcast that's it and no we're going to give away two of these two right

now first of all the person who can say the quickest, who's missing from the podcast right now. Right there, you in it, right there. Right behind you. You fucked up, you fucked up. You fucked up, don't yell, don't get mad at me because you froze. Go ahead, give it to me.

Okay, here we go. Two. Hold on, hold on. It was Dan Soda-Maj's voice. Who's that? Was that Tracy? Why was the answer? All right.

All right, what's this? What's the, what? That's what the second question I don't have yet. Slow down, I'm trying to make it up as I go along. I got a great one. And you two are. I got to go and run. It's Bobby Kelly's wait

That's a fucking good one you Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Okay, ready? I'm so excited. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Go Three is too. Are you skinny bald fuck Down on down on the three Just everyone that's it Oh, there you go you learn What got it you drove six hours. I know we almost didn't get in I got in We need one more of these we're gonna one more away. We'll give it away one more. Here's the last question.

This is for the podcast fans. Shut up. This is for the podcast fans. What kind of a fight is it going to be? Not who said it. Hold on. No, that's not right. That's not it. You said it over there. Got damn you. You got it. who said it. Oh, no, that's not right. That's not it.

You said it over there. God damn you, I'm afraid. Who said you got it? You got it. You got it. All right, give this guy with the damn game. God damn game. And the guy, his hair looks like a hat.

Oh, my. He acts hair that looks like a hipster. All right. Oh my god, it was a damn game fight. The goddamn game fight. Who are you? I know this was fun being part of something so professional You don't have to worry about doing it again. We're selling merch out there. Where are we selling it?

Right here. We're selling merch right here. We're going to be signing them and produce a film festival NBC called short cuts festival So any young filmmakers out there go to NBC short cuts. I know Joe guys this week seriously go on to iTunes a good friend of ours Patrice on Niels passed away and It's called mr. P Let's away and it's called Mr. P. It's called Mr. P. It's on iTunes. It's number one in comedy. It's number I think two out of all the CDs on iTunes right now. Please go there and if you bought it for yourself buy it for somebody else, gift it for's somebody all the money goes to the family So make sure you do that mr. P on iTunes Thank you that also get elephant in the room Elephant the room to yeah, I'm gonna vote too for mr. And that's it you guys. Thank you so much for coming out

You know what teach first podcast live did you have a good time? All right, you guys are great. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming out Get up for Bernie McFarland, everybody. The last time, show everybody on the show. I'll ever talk to you about anything. That's it, now get the fuck out of here. Woohoo! Woohoo!

Hey, you a fan of the, you know what, dude? Podcasts with us three things you can do to prove that. Number one, go to iTunes, subscribe, and leave a review. Not just any review, leave a five-star, holy shit fuck, and plot-cut. Wow, review. Write it down on a piece of paper before you even post it to make sure it's wow, holy shit fuck, come.

And number two, go to the Robert Kelly page on broadcast and hit the donate button. You can donate a dollar, you can donate 5 million dollars. It doesn't matter. And you know what? You don't even have to donate anything if you don't have the cash. This shit's free and it always will be. But we do appreciate all the people who donated so far because has made this podcast better and better every week. And number three, go to riotcast.com and check out all the other podcasts. There's nine of them. If you like podcasts, there's no need to go anywhere else,

but riotcast.com. Woo-hoo! You know what's sh-t! You know what's sh-t! I can start, you stink, you stink, you know what need it. I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop'm stuck in the block, I'm stuck in the block, I'm stuck in the block You know what I'm needing? But this car's a little car, it's a little car You know what I'm needing?

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