Rooster Teeth Podcast - Banana Pudding Paradigm IceBerg - #768

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

Go to http://helixsleep.com/rooster to get 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Go to http://shadyrays.com and use code ROOSTERTEETH for 50% OFF 2 or more pairs of polarized sunglasses. The gang talk about the Banana Pudding Paradigm argument and it spirals into an iceberg moment of deep dives. Checkout our new RTP YouTube Channel complete with full episodes! -https://www.youtube.com/@roosterteethpodcast Support the show by watching it on Rooster Teeth First!-https://roosterteeth.com/series/rt-podcast Already a FIRST Member and need your Private RSS feed for this show? Go here: http://bit.ly/FIRSTRSS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is a Ristatif production. Welcome to the only show that stays living in your girls DMs. It's the RT podcast. I am your host, Armando Torres, joining me today are two very special guests. We got Drew Saplin. I'm Drew Saplin. And Caroline Constan. And I am not Drew Saplin. Yeah.

Hello. Do you prefer Caroline Constan or your government name? Are my government name?? Or my government name. I prefer my government name, because Constair is actually like, you know how when you were 12 and you made a Snapchat and you used your name and it was like a poopy for it's 11. I actually fucked up in that all of my gamer tags are just Mondo Torres.

Oh, I know. And so anytime somebody gets really mad at me when we're playing a game, they just find me on social media. and it's always happened. It's just always been a thing that happened. So I Think yours is better that you came up with something. Yeah, yeah, oh, and I was 12 I thought that was really catchy Well, in case you are trying to say deliberately mean things to her like all of the people have done for me government name is Carolyn Grossman. Carolyn R.L. Grossman. Oh wow. We get the full government. Listen to you do I'm Armando Juliano Torres and you are. Nope. Nope. And you are. Can I take

a guess at what your million is? Sure. And you can give me like a cue. Yeah go ahead. John. No. Can I take a guess at what. To what your full name is. Yeah, go ahead and remind you that I know what your full name is. Oh, do you have? Shit. Yeah, that's what I thought. Fine. Robert. No, no, no. Is it Christian? Is it like a Christian name or like the name Christian? It's a Christian name. It's Christopher. It's Christopher. No, no. No, that's not it. You're talking. We have a great show for you today. Gus Sorola and Sammy Mady are stopping by to play some tabletop role playing games. Yeah, they can't wait.

Ooh, we give some advice on how to cope with your mom getting boned. And then of course, we turn headlines into punchlines and always on. But before that, I have a topic that I specifically wanted to bring to the podcast and get Y'all's opinion on. So the other day, I tried banana pudding for the first time. You've never had banana pudding. I've never had banana pudding.

I'm sorry, I don't want to interrupt. What did you think of it? I think it was good. I think it's really strange. It seems like one of those things where sometimes you hear about cookbooks when they got really into jello. Oh yeah.

It's like hot dog jello. Wait, but shrimp and jello. And your wife can cook it when she's fucking killing a brain with these pills we're making her take. Yeah. And so it seemed like that. It seemed like that to me.

Like just really like, okay, it's nila wafers. I never equated the barbitch with epidemic with Jello. The lack of cooking. Put it makes so much fucking sense. Right. I can't I can't think of God damn thing. This was what hot dogs in the clear jello great done.

Fine. Salt. Yeah. Have you had banana pudding? Okay. I think I have, but it was like authentic banana pudding. It was like particular. What is it, by the way?

It's just vanilla pudding with bananas of vanilla wafer. And it's nothing special. It's just very southern. There was like some, some like, gram cracker sprinkled into it. It's vanilla wafer. Okay, all right. Well, but it was, it was okay.

I feel like anything that has been liquefied and to that that yogurt consistency, it feels like I'm eating bile. It doesn't taste, it doesn't feel right. I get that. I thought it was good. But honestly, I thought the conceptually it was fine. It just seemed very strange to me. I also had, I would say probably a more plused up version.

It didn't feel like it was just the jello shit mixed with whatever and put on top of something. I have a heaven of racing my hand. You don't have to do that. It just it makes me feel like when I speak it's more valid. You know, I feel more like I asked for permission and now it's I've been validated to speak. Well, I'm about to give you permission to speak, but I want to let you know how awful it feels to turn around in the middle of a thought and see what looks like a small child just going, excuse me, I have a thought. Yes, Carol.

I do have a question. When did Banana putting, when was it invented and why is it particularly southern? Did it have to do with the history of southern states? I'm sure there's a terrible explanation for it. I'm sure it has something to do with barbecue and how easy it was to me. I don't know. I don't. I think it was the only thing they had during the Civil War. Okay, that's what I was about to say. How do we connect this to the Civil War? The rest. I think banana pudding is really truly when you think about it. It's really about states, right? Right. I agree. States rights, too. No, I'm not. Drift first. Finish the sentence.

OK, all right. Anyway, that wasn't even part of it. The part of it was that I had banana pudding for the first time. And I was there with a friend of a friend who, first of all, again, not part of the meaning of the story, but grabbed the banana pudding out of my hands and went, well, I've got to try this. I story, but grabbed the banana pudding out of my hands and went, oh, I gotta try this.

I'm like an expert on banana pudding. And then stuck his spoon inside of it and tried it. Sorry. And tried it and goes, oh, that's honestly pretty decent. I give it an eight out of 10. And then we kept talking about like, what makes good banana pudding, good banana pudding,

and like the fact that like his mom used to make it or some shit, I don't know, boring dumb shit that people talk about. It is sad. A sad thing to be an expert on, no, no, no, I'm an expert on banana pudding. Do the degree. The Invenant pudding.

Sorry. I went to Polly and I learned how to make lunch puttics or banana puttics. Which is Southern. So, yeah, South of France. I went down to Dake Mason Dixon Line. I learned how to make that. I went down to the Mason Dixon Line of Versailles

and I learned how to make myself some banana. Got damn puttics. We put bad gets in it. Versa and I learned how to make myself some banana. God damn pudding. We put bad gets in it. Anyway, he kept going on about like where he's had other good banana pudding and the highest one that he rated. Sounds like a terrible person. And I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, do it.

Is this one of our friends? No, it's the kind of a mutual friend. Okay. And I don't want to shit on this person too bad because they were, I feel like you're exaggerating how into banana pudding there. I wish I was. I wish I was exaggerating how into this person was.

That's like grabbing this. I'm like, I'm an expert on water. I'm holding his glass of water. Well, that was a whole subreddit for a while that got renamed for similar reasons to the origins of banana pudding. My point is the highest number that they pointed out was a nine out of 10, to which I asked the question,

well, where have you had a 10 out of 10 banana pudding? And that is when this person revealed to me that when they rank things on a scale from one to 10, they have a hypothetical, perfect 10 that they have not experienced yet. That person's correct. I like that. Well, I think you're fucking wrong because the way that I do a scale, one to 10 is the worst version of it that I have ever had personally.

A 10 is the best version of that thing that I have also ever had. But say you have something and it's a 10 and then you have something else and you're like, well, this is better than the thing I had before. It's definitely not. I've already given it a 10. It's a curve scale. I just believe in like an awesome total approach to 10. Like there is no, you'll always get really close to 10, but you'll never,

10 is perfection and you can't ever achieve it. That is the saddest thing I've ever heard of my entire year. I agree with you by the way. That's the second saddest thing I've ever heard of my entire life. I agree with you, by the way. That's the second saddest thing I've ever heard. You can have a taste, though. I feel like sometimes I've met human beings where I'm like, you're a 10, and somebody else can also be a 10, but they're very different in the way that they present themselves.

Sure. And so it's about taste. Ten is an amalgam of the thing, my taste and the taste. I've met a lot of sevens in my life, I guess. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm hosting a podcast with two of them right now.

No. I think the scale for grading people is different than I 100% for grading the men and put it in. I'm sure. Especially given the dark origin that we gave it at the beginning of the episode. Right. I think that's incredibly sad to have like this hypothetical 10 that you may never experience.

I was working towards the thing you can never attain. That's what I'm saying. I have that enough with my career. It definitely colors my existence. With my love life, with my own personal achievements for myself. Wait, so you tell me the only thing that you don't do this scale on is just food?

Yeah. So wait, you're coming at me, be like, oh, you're just as thick as a dead. Because food is something that we were discussing this before. It's something that will always be incredible. Even when you're the most depressed you've ever been, even when you're about to eat boy dinner, which, as we all know, boy dinner ends with suicide.

That's something that we talked about beforehand, by the way, we shouldn't just drop boy dinner and walk away. Shit. Boy dinner is the antithesis to girl dinner, which boy dinner is when you're when you're done, when you're good, when you're done, when you're done, it's time to go. When you, it's when you, you're not your mouth. And you asked it, it's not all, don't do that. We, I can't describe what it was, but if you're watching the video version available on roosterteeth.com or youtube.com slash at roosterteeth podcast. It's at symbol.

Boydinner is when you have finally experienced that 10 out of 10 banana pudding. And you co-op. I'm done. I'm done. May I be excused? That's funny. No, this time you're not asking questions. It's not may I'm not excuse. That's funny. That's funny. No, this time you're not asking questions. It's not may I be excuse, I am excuse.

I'm excuse, I'm excuse myself. I got, I made a jello full of barbituets, I am excuse. I'm excuse. I'm sorry, continue. Well, I think the point was just that food is something that regardless of where you are mood-wise, you could be very low. Food will still be amazing. Sometimes it doesn't taste as good

or it's not as rewarding as it usually is, but still, it always is a drug. It's drug of choice. I think food can be really good. I think I've also just like, I don't know, I have a moving sliding scale. I have a scale for like, this was a 10 meal in my mind for this specific type of food, what are you doing?

I just wanna clip out. I just wanna have a clip of you just being like, I think, you know, I think food can be really good. Just like the most bundle. I think just like, what are you gonna do? Watch the rest of your team for like, Cassie, you'll get a heart hitting opinion. I think food can be really good.

I think food can be really good. I think food can be really good, and I wish I was dead. I think that's this episode That's the tagline. That's the title of the episode If you've seen the new episode of Rujer D. Podcast called I think food is really good and I wish I was fucking dead I think there's something wrong with them. The show's been really upsetting since gospel. Yeah, they need a sentimental health care Professional that's that's actually our premier segment this week, is we got therapy for all of this.

Oh, why am I not included in that? I need that. I need that. I don't know, man. I, what I meant by food is good. Is that like, I feel like having that hypothetical 10 robs you of being like, so much of my life is eating a really good meal and going, oh man, that was a good meal.

And every time after I've eaten a good meal, I come talk to my friends and you've seen this specifically where I go, oh, I just had the best X, Y or Z from this place. You gotta try it. It's a 10 out of 10. I'm so excited to show it to you. I feel like I'm stoked about it

because it is the 10 out of 10 meal in my mind. Having that open spot means that you're always going, that was really good, but it wasn't the best. It's the spirit of adventure. I can, now I'm gonna go out into the world and find the best, but you'll never find it, but your own definition, you'll never find it. And then we're always on the adventure.

It feels like you're selling us religion. You're like, it does. I've found God. And He's so perfect. I can't even see His intent. I can't even conceive of how perfect He is. That's why He's so perfect. No!

Let me share Him. That's what you're fucking doing. Well, that's what it sounds like with the food where it's like, guys, I just had the most incredible thing and you have to try it. It just saved my life It's it's say and it can save you guys I just tried the most amazing hamburger and if you don't like this hamburger I'll slaughter your whole family if you don't talk about how you also love this hamburger

I don't know I think that's I think you guys live a sad life I think I live a sad life for different I think that that's just with food though. You're saying like, but I see I do everything. Like everything, there is no perfect 10. I really like it. I think it's comforting that there is something so perfect I can't conceive of it. That's what makes it beautiful.

I don't have the ability to perceive of it, but it exists. That's the Cartesian definition of God, right? Yes, it is. It's the triumetric like God is an algebraic. Yeah, but by the way, Emerson has the same thing where he's like, God is a circle. It's a concept. God is a circle and that a circle is a perfect thing conceptually.

And that's how we can equate him to God. And you're right. That sucks. That sucks. Yeah, I think you got to keep it. Before the podcast started, I was like, man, I'm on it. You're gonna have to really dumb this episode down Everybody's very smart. You're like nah man, and then like two minutes into the podcast we're talking about the Cartesian Damage Cartesian man, you know, I talk about 17th century French for

Have you heard of her tear that man hated Jews and That man hated Jews and... Why does he stop talking there? That was the worst possible time to stop talking. I think I saw myself at the best possible time. Because I read Voltaire and if anybody doesn't know, he's a very angry French philosopher and he criticizes the Jewish people as a whole. And it was the first time where I was like, oh, I get it.

No, no, no, no, no, not from that perspective. Where it was sort of like, I get it. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, not from that perspective, where it was sort of like, I never understood anti-semitism culturally speaking. Of course, there's a whole thing that happened in the 40s. But just the general sentiment of not liking this group of people in the religion, I didn't understand it, and then I read this and I was like, oh, this is interesting because I get where this mistrust came

from, started as early as the 1700s. I'm not an anti-semin. No, I want to thank, by the way, just really quick, before we move forward. I want to thank Carolyn Grossman. Oh, yeah, Grossman. Thank you, showing off our star of David Penden. No, no, no, it's the Shema.

Oh, there we go. OK. Yeah, I guess. Shema, yes, Royale. All right, anyways. This one's just a chain. That's how I show that I'm Mexican. Yeah, I do want to also point out that you both had the exact same fear in different

directions where Drew came to me and went, this podcast was going to be too smart. We got to dumb it down. And I said, first of all, none of us are as smart as you think we are. Yourself included. Sure. And you, Caroline, came to me beforehand and went, I don't know that I can do like a fun, jokey podcast because like I kind of,

I kind of don't like myself. I kind of don't like myself. And he's like, yeah, idiot, idiot. That's why we all hear. That's why we make content. If somebody else validates me, I don't have to validate myself. You're a fuck that guy.

Your God is a circle. My circle is the hole in my heart They can't be filled by anything except for 10 out of 10 food right that I need to tell myself our perch Shut your fucking mouth. I just want to know what I did Well, and what I get food it which food it just the last time you put in the last time I had a 10 food was From Quanto's hamburguesa and I had a 10 food was from Quanto's hamburguesa, and I had a really... Did you have a hamburguesa? I had a hamburgues.

And I had a really outstanding hamburger that was different from other hamburgers that I've tried before, made in a different style. And what added to it? Why? Why? Basically, he made a quesadilla out of, but like a real quesadilla, not like the ones that we have in America where it's like a corn tortilla dipped in a little out of like, but like a real case of the, not like the ones that we have in America,

where it's like a corn tortilla dipped in a little bit of like, whatever the stock was that the meat was cooking in, with cheese on it, and then the meat on top of it. And that was part of the hamburger. And it sounds like a fucking Taco Bell monstrosity, but it wasn't. And it wasn't too much. That's the other thing.

It's like a hamburger didn't feel like too much. It just felt like it was perfectly right. And one of the things that added to this meal was that I got to talk to the owner and the chef of the place. Oh, so it's not just the food. It's like the experience. That's part of fucking food. He has to see it in the mood for that food.

So for the guy who was saying like a 10 out of 10 banana pudding, no. That's what, well, you can't, he first of all, he said he'd add a 10 to that. Oh sure, fine. Secondly, all of that stuff is always part of the thing that Amiens Lefakin, the story, everything. It's always part of everything. Marketing goes into everything. Sure. You can't just ever enjoy anything for what it is.

He's talking about a universal 10, which means that on a technical level, it's incredible. It's not about his taste or what, it's not about the mood he was in. I don't think such a thing exists for anything. Oh, okay. Except for me. I think accounting for taste, there is no universal 10 in anything.

I think your 10 out of 10 for whatever it would be, I think it's valid. But I also think that my 10 out of 10 for something could be different from yours accounting for that taste. I don't think there is a universal un-arguable 10 out of 10 in any country. Not until we colonize everything. Well, hold on. Come on to my fucking show. Spout your anti-Semitic bullshit and then call for the colonization of the earth. I did no such thing. I'm just saying you can bring the the Eurocentric mindset where you can determine what is the the ultimate good by just by silencing other people's opinions.

You know that every other episode, this is the most diverse show that we have on a hundred percent of the channel. It's so funny, I just realized that. And every other episode, not this one. You did a good job. Great. So in my mind, a 10 out of 10 meal,

did you ever read Red Wall as a kid, the book's about the Little Critters? No! Okay, well, like, I read Clifford, the big red dog. Me too, buddy. Okay, well, in those books, they're always talking about food and like, they do a really good job of describing food. And whatever that food is, you'll never have,

because it's all these like rabbits and ferrets and shit that are like eating out in the woods. And so that, in my head, that's the like, 10 of 10, a Red Wall meal is a 10 of 10 meal. I'll never be able to have it. That sucks. I've read about it. I know that like those,

but you'll never get to experience it. I can imagine it and it sounds pretty good. I guess, but I could imagine what the goop tasted like from movie hook. It's not a good movie. You're doing it Peter. I fucking love that line and I'm like, wait, is hook a good movie?

We had this fucking debate, not on the podcast. We had it in our work slack. Oh Somebody on we slack in case you're out there not having a job, which you're fucking There's What it's sad discord just you just turned into you just turned into like a 1950s like The odd couple, like, good into you. Straight to the moon. Yeah, that is a perfect way to describe it. Slack is sad discord for work.

And in our Slack, somebody asked these hook a good movie and it was overwhelmingly yes from a lot of people. And then some people chiming in in like Eric Bedore being like, fuck you, this movie sucks and you have bad taste in movies. What is hook? Hook is here. Is that a Peter Pan? Alright, I never saw it. It's the most I was like, yeah, I knew that you had not seen it.

Yeah, absolutely. It's just why Robin Williams has grown up Peter, and he goes back to, he like gets captured and goes back to Neverland, and he has to face Dustin Hoffman as hook. And the voice actor who plays one of the guys in Avatar the Last Airbender is in that movie too. And they all eat goop. It's like colorful goop.

Ruffio. It's a great movie for kids, and then when you're an adult and you watch it, you go, this was bad. It's bad. But I have no side before it, so I can't not think about it. That's the other thing that goes into a rating system is a counter for stuff like memories and et cetera.

Like you might rate that movie higher than if I, or if anyone had seen it without that content. But then I'll, I mean, that just goes the argument of like art shouldn't be rated. Like you shouldn't put a number on. Yes, you should. Everything's art. You have to solution. But it's'll, I mean, that just goes the argument of like art shouldn't be rated. Like you shouldn't put a number on everything. Absolutely should. But it's art, but it's like, no, because if you say that, then the internet will just be, Will was showing me TikToks earlier and it was just 3D gifts and loud dubstep noises and he's laughing at it. And I'm like, this is the future of art. Art is dying because this is what

people are going to be consuming at mass. So you need to be able to say with certainty, this is dog shit. And there is a statue in Italy that took years to craft and that is objectively better than this. Now, okay, yeah. I'm raising my hand. All right, Armando. I'm raising my hand.

That's not my show, so I couldn't call it. Two things. One, I want to counter the saddest thought that you've presented on this podcast, which is the artist. I think there's more art than there ever has been before, but part of that is the fact. I just need any fun. Part of that is that there's more of that,

and the better art is harder to find. It's hard to find, but why even find it? There's no good place to consume it anymore. Bob Dylan said the most boomer thing ever. And he was like, music is too easy to find now. And so it doesn't mean anything. It's not special anymore. All there's great music.

It's really good. Technically speaking, incredible music, but you can find it on demand instantaneously all the time. So it's less special. And I was like, oh, fuck. So yes, it's the best time to be an artist. It's probably one of the easiest times to be an artist, but it doesn't matter because your art will mean less in a consumer-based.

Bob Dylan's grandson, Pablo Dylan, is a soundcloud rapper. Oh, no, that's what he's saying. Yeah, that's what he's saying. His music using the Dylan family name. So I don't think, I don't listen to anything anyone else has to say about art. I think that there's never been more of it and part of it is finding it and art has become more

and more niche or niche or however you pronounce it, stupid fucking word. Misha. Misha. Misha. And to your point of, I even forgot what you were saying because I got so wrapped up in that bullshit. But also, I guess to your point of, I even forgot what you were saying, because I got so wrapped up in that bullshit. But also, I guess to your point, Caroline, like, you're saying that art requires an audience.

Oh, I remember that. No, I don't think it requires. But in order to be considered good or bad, it has to have an audience watching it. And so, like, that audience, so it's really about like, I think the art shouldn't be rated or like judged at all so that people are free to make what they feel and then can create something sans audience.

It says a bad artist, that's a bad artist. Wow, I'm just kidding. Says the director of the movie that I was in, by the way. That's what he did. I bet it was really good. Oh, all right. I'm sure it's fine. When did. I bet it was really good. All right. I'm sure it's fine. When I was good guys tried really hard.

You did it a video. Sorry, I'm sorry, you did a movie. You should put that in your skin. You should do one of those little skits. Yeah, I want a fucking boy dinner right now. When I was going to say to you, and then we could get out of here. And go, can we fly in some sign it? What I was going to say to you and then we could get out of here. And go, can we fly in some signer? What I was gonna say to you is one of my tooth

that is, my downroll heart and I just come out. Now that's a 10 out of 10 deal. I think that you're talking about judging art on a mass scale, which again, I don't think anything can have one mass judgment over it. A 10 out of 10 should not translate necessarily to everyone. There is, oh, I fucking hate this. One of the funniest bits that they ever did in family guy.

All right. All right. Go ahead and feel free to turn it. Boy, I did it. One of the funniest bits they ever did in family guy is a weird out of nowhere discussion where Peter reveals to the rest of the family that he watched the Godfather and didn't like it.

And it's just them yelling at him for not liking it and him not understanding why they liked it and then revealing like, oh, I didn't even finish the movie. It insists upon itself. And that's my favorite part is every time he goes, he thinks he said something's where I like, it insists upon itself and they go, what the fuck does that mean?

Because it's all subjective and I can have my rating of art or food. And also I think everything's art. Like that guy poured his heart and soul into the hamburger. Yeah. And so like, I don't know. I'm just saying you should not push the 10 away from

yourself and you should embrace being able to have, embrace the 10. And have multiple 10s. Maybe I have a multiple 10, like, oh, that's it. Yeah, but then it devalues the 10. Fuck you. I'm a container. Let's get an A-A.

I have art inflation. Yeah, now there's art inflation. I... There's difference though between expression and commentary. And I think that commentary can have a value, can be rated, but expression shouldn't be rated. That I will say that anything can be art, but if your art is commentating on something,

there is a sign of value to it. But if it's just, I'm expressing myself, then fuck you, that's good, I guess. You're great. You're way to go. If your film is just, I'm expressing myself, I'd be like, that's great, but if you're like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just you commentating on the culture that you're living in, if you're able to encapsulate the zeitgeist that you're living in a way that is palatable and interesting than I think that it has more value.

Anyways, I'm going to shut up now. No, yeah, right. I eat my boy dinner. Wrap it up, Armando. I think this has been an extremely, like, the funniest thing to me is I brought forth this thing to have a funny little discussion about rating scales. And I think I tapped into something deep inside my brain, I brought forth this thing to have a funny little discussion about rating scales.

And I think I tapped into something deep inside my brain, which is the way that I fucking Labrador through life, just trying my hardest to enjoy stuff. And I think it gave a lot of really fun insight into both of you. I'm not a Labrador. Okay, I know. I see. You're a Chihuahua. You're a terrified little being that shakes in its own body and thinks that the world is

big and scary and is not having a good time. I think there's something in between there because I think there is an evil part of me that's like, I could just destroy everything. That's just chihuahua. To get on my soapbox, I could give you 12 effective ways to live your life and then convert everyone into some ideology that I believe and make a shit ton of money and then just control people. So yes, Chihuahua, but a very angry dominant Chihuahua.

Like the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Like everybody in Chihuahua, that's me. 10 of 10 real like Gizmo or Gadget. I forget, did Gidget? No, I'm the beagle from Inspector Gadget. That's who I am. This isn't the first time she's pitched me starting a call.

I have, it's all that I think about all the time. Okay. It's how I deal with the pain of living, not general pain that comes from living in this decade where things are bizarre and unprecedented and gross and weird and unnatural. And so that's how I think about coping with it is what happens if I just destroy it all.

Well, an interesting subject that we'll have to explore deeper at a later time. Go ahead and rate this episode of the podcast. Let us know in the comments what you think of it on your personal scale or tell us what your unachievable 10 out of 10 podcasts would be. Do that now. And I'm going to read through all of them

and boy dinner if I don't like what I see. So thank you. Let's have some fun. Let's switch it up and do something that definitely won't get at all dark or weird. It's time for Tabletop role-playing game Quick Quest. Welcome to Quick Quest, a short form, tabletop role-playing show, where the only thing quicker than our guests' wit is the time frame they have to complete and adventure.

I am your game master, Armando Torres, and today we leave the grossly overheated Texas and head to the beautiful Northern California coastline, which for our purposes is unseasonably not on fire. Tucked away, deep inside the overgrown California forest, it's camp redwood, a sleep away summer camp known far and wide for its gorgeous views, and the fact that no one has died there, at least not yet. But whether or not they get to keep their record is up to our counselors.

Let's meet our guests. We have Gus Sorola playing the role of Benny, a by the book senior camp counselor who loves camp Redwood with all his heart. I'm Benny and it's cool to follow the rules. Next up we have Drew Sapplin as Chaz, the textbook definition of a jock, big, strong, and dumb as a bag of rocks. My name is Chaz and I came here to play sports in Chewbubblegum. Unfortunately, I can't do both at the same time. I think I love Chaz. And finally, we have Sammy playing the role of Kiefer, a stoner that could give Shaggy a run for his money. What's up, Pooh?

It would have been great if you had manifested a puff of smoke at the same time. Manifesting. For all real guys. So, it is just about midnight here at Camp Redwood. The full moon illuminates the serene lake, and the only noise is the quiet hum of the various bugs outside. It's peaceful. Until you hear glass shattering, followed by a blood-curdling scream. You all shoot out a bed and sprint to the source of the commotion. Cabin number

seven. From outside, you can see the window has been demolished. And are those claw marks? When you get inside, you see a terrified camper named Kevin pointing in horrified silence at his bunkmates empty bed. The only thing that remains is a torn-up shirt and a tuft of brown fur. Damn. Well, I think Kevin killed his bunkmate. I didn't do it! Who did it?

I don't know. I was asleep and I saw a monster and jumped out of the window. Let me see this fur real quick. You pick up the fur. You smell the fur. What do I smell? It smells like wet dog. Now, there are dogs that are loud in this camp. According to the rules, all pets must be left at home.

You cannot bring a child that pets. So then, who smuggled a dog into this camp? I'd like to pick up and shake Kevin and interrogate. Yeah, so you've actually hit our first role of the game. We are using a system called, I made it up. I made it all up. There are three possible roles that you can make.

Doing shit, which includes anything related to strength, athletics, dexterity, if you want to do something, you got to do shit. Then there is knowing shit. This is your intelligence, your wisdom, your perception. If you want to know something, you got to know shit. And then there's talking shit, which is charisma and straight up luck.

If you are good at talking shit, you can almost wheel shit into existence. And so Drew, you will be kicking us off with the first roll. Great. Do some shit. It's a 10, plus two modifier, because I do shit. That's a 12.

You successfully pick up a shot and start shaking him. And Kevin goes, bro, tell me about the what happened. You tell me what happened. I don't know, I was just asleep, and I hit a bad dream, and I woke up, I saw the tears in big animal, and then, and then, and then. Kevin, Kevin. Chill out.

So he's giving shit. Yeah, chill out. You're giving, you give give you pass a joint to Uh-huh. I don't think he's old enough under the state of California statutes for that, but he needs a chill out Okay, I'm calm now. Okay, bro. What did you see here tonight? Like what happened? I was asleep and when I woke up I saw what look like a giant dog wolf monster thing and it must have eaten The character that it was named I obviously know your bunkmate Daniel my bunkmate Daniel thank you I knew cabin seven it's Kevin and Daniel you're so good following the whole day that's my premium shit it took Daniel and then and then it ran away and it smashed through the glass on

its way out. It didn't smash in, it smashed out. So it's an inside dog we're dealing with here. No further questions, Your Honor. You let go and Kevin slams onto the floor. So this is an inside dog. Who let the dogs out? I love I love the ball, man, bro. Okay, so what do you guys want to do? I guess we should go outside and see if we can figure out where this dog went with Kevin. Daniel, you leave the cabin and walk around to the side and you see a lot of glass smashed outward, which means it looks like something blue out of this window and maybe took off towards the forest. Since I have the smell of the hair,

can I sniff the grounding, track the dis-beast? Can you make a talk shit roll for me? Yes, roll for munchies. That is a 16. You are very successful. It's almost like you sense a pathway where something ran through the forest. And when you start to pay attention to it a little bit,

you see just a straight line of broken twigs and what appeared to be giant footprints in the dirt. I'd like to pursue it for speed. All right. Oh, you were all right. So you're just printing without them, yeah. And you? Where are you going ahead of me?

I'm just running as fast as I can and to the woods. Just let him go first. Yeah. To do shit, please. And there's anything fucked up. He will get anything before we lose. Yes. 18.

That is a 20. Oh, right. Let's do it. So, that is a 20. Oh, right, close to. Yeah. So it's a dirty 20. Chaz just puts his like sprinter stance and then makes his own gunshot point. Now, it goes, and then fucking books it

like a looney tunes character leaving a cloud of smoke that looks just like his own body. I promise not to contaminate the crime scene. So should we follow him or should we get the hell out of here? I guess we have to follow him. Well, I'll try to run and keep up with Chaz. All right. I haven't stretched, so I might not be quite as fast.

I need you both to, if you're going to try to keep up with Chaz to roll, you shit. Can I float like a cartoon character when they have a threat? I, uh, that's a good question. I'm now I need you to talk shit. Can I float like a cartoon character when they have a threat? That's a good question. I'm now in need of the talk shit. Okay. I rolled a three minus two, which is one. Okay. I got a 13. You Like a pop-eye style character break out another one of your points light it up in here And then instead of steam coming out of your mouth. it's a cloud of smoke that sort of starts to carry you

slowly. You're not keeping up with chas, but slowly carrying you into the forest. Benny, you get ready to sprint just like you saw chas did. And then fall flat on your face, your foot flies up and gets caught inside of a key for smoke cloud. Oh no.

And you sort of just get dragged off with your face in the dirt. Every so often just hitting a rocker. Oh, my face. Do you go back there? Oh, no. Help. Kevin, save me! Chaz, you enter a clearing where you find the rest of Kevin's torn-up uniform, and what appears to be covered in some sort of liquid.

I'd like to investigate. All right, can you roll no shit? I love the voice, by the way. 8 minus 2, which is 6. I think you pick up, it's very dark. Everything is illuminated by the full moon. You pick up this campus uniform and it's really wet and you look at it and something in your brain goes,

oh, it's a fucking wet, dude. And that is all that you can tell. Right, I'm sorry. Is he just the whole thing this wet ass uniform? Guys, it's wet. It's wet. You hear, it's wet. It's so wet. And as you are sort of still floating through,

you notice some more intense claw marks on the trees as you get deeper and deeper into the clearing. And suddenly, you get through the clearing, your smoke cloud dissipates, you sort of just like float back down. Do I fall? Yeah, Benny just straight up falls the rest of the game. I'll dust myself off and try to pull myself together.

Can you roll to dust yourself off real quick? Yeah, that's a, why not? That's doing shit? Doing shit. That is a seven. Oh, okay. You are not clean. Yeah, that's a-

You are wet now. Ooh, can I smell his wet and then smell the uniform wet? Do a no shit roll. I don't think I know shit. Ugh. So that would be a zero. Oh.

Um, you smell Benny. Take the uniform soaking wet. And the only thing your nose is telling you is, this shit, what is hell? This shit is wet as hell. Yeah, I can't help you. Can I use the moon light to try to get a better glips at it at the liquid it's like in the thermo?

What it is? The reflection of the light. A nine, man, I'm having a great time today, guys. I'm like, thank you so much for having me here. I mean, if I could get double digits at one point at a half. So you use the Moonlight and also grab a hold of this campers uniform. And it's still really dark outside.

Your eyes haven't adjusted. Also, you spend about a quarter mile just being dragged across the floor with rocks in your eyes. And so all that you can tell also is that it is extremely wet. You guys are passing a uniform between you two, going, yeah, it's wet. It's wet. You hear the sound of a twig snap behind you.

And through the brush is a really, really bright shining light from a flashlight and as your eyes sort of start to adjust you see that it is a police officer, a local one in town officer Randall who has their light flashing at you, their gun drawn, and goes, freeze! What are you doing? And now that you are illuminated, you look down at yourselves covered in the wet, which appears to be a lot of blood. You are carrying a camper's uniform covered in blood,

which is now all over all of your hands. Can I roll the karate chop the cop? Yes, you can. And I'm gonna give you advantage, which is plus two on a do shit roll. Three, five, seven. Seven. Can I give him help?

Can I give him one of my power joints? If you can. Yeah, you're like Batman, you got like, I pull out my tool belt. If you can, yeah. You're like Batman, you got to like, I pull out my tool belt. Uh-huh. So you like Batman, pull out a joint, light it in front of a cop. And then, you like a professional, fucking, dark player, throw it into Chad's mouth.

He takes it, almost surprised, inhales the entire thing and it just goes up. And then you feel like you have the power of a thousand men and you get to roll advantage. So roll again. Plus four. So that's a set. Fuck.

What do you say as you run towards it? Kalbonga. Chad's rips a fucking joint and starts running towards his cop and goes, go, a Bunga! Bam, shot in the leg! Wait! He goes down! Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo You have to tell me what your best number is. Guys, I'm so fucking wet. There's a lot of wet on my leg. Okay, can I hide and then try to karate chop the police officer while Gus is distracting.

Sorry, Benny is distracting the police officer. I need a couple of rolls. Yes, naturally. For Benny, I need you to roll a no-shit roll so that you have, oh that's six. What the fuck is- What the fuck is- Hahaha!

Hahaha! I love dice games, I love D&D, I love playing games with roll D20s. It's great. Okay, am I gonna die? Benny rushes to administer first aid. I want your badge number, by the way. And is yelling about badge numbers and is trying desperately to put their hands over the what appears to be a shot artery, which is just spurting wet out all over you

also. And I would say that this is a great distraction. So you have both advantage and plus two on a do-shit roll. Okay. That is 14 for the first one. 14, okay. With the modifier. This is 18 with the modifier.

There we go. Officer Randall is watching it and like just absolute horror going, he's so wet, there's so much wet. Oh my God. As a key for like a fucking ninja under the darkness of night, uh, sneaks up behind, does some maneuvers. It does not make a sound. And then what do you say as you karate chop this a police officer?

What? Okay. Okay. With a, you chop him in the back of the neck and you hear it just Officer Randall falls down to the floor dead what make sure you get his batch number Okay Can I loot him? See if he's got any bandages. Yeah, yeah, you

See if he's got any bandages. Yeah, you loot this cop, step body, and you now are the proud owner of a night stick, a pair of handcuffs, and a nine millimeter gun. Okay. As Benny is starting to stop the bleeding, or jazz is running out of blood, that appears to not be known as star. Tomato tomato. It just reeks out of blood. That appears to not be known as tomato. Tomato tomato.

It just reeks like fucking blood. And I mean reeks like... Like iron like pennies. Yeah, it is in the fucking air tonight. Shots out Phil Collins. And then you hear a much larger twig snap and the sound of a grouse. And as you all look behind you,

you see a giant wolf standing on two legs staring at you with hunger because all of you are covered in wet. I'm not that high. This is real. This is the dog we're looking for. Okay. Um, you pull out the dog we're looking for. Mm-hmm. Okay. You pull out the gun. Oh, okay. Oh, it was confused as to what was happening. Who are you?

The wolf which was not paying attention to you The least covered in wet in its teeth you can see the unmistakable hanker chiff Given out to every single camper. Now you know that's fucked up. And you know that I can't not shoot at you. Tell me who you are and where Daniel is and then maybe I'll shoot you like the leg or something. It's not that bad. Yeah, evidently he's been bleeding out for at least 20 minutes. I've been bleeding for a long time.

Yes. I'm fine. Shaz, what's 5 plus 7? Don't ask me that. Look, he's fine. I wouldn't have known even if I didn't have lost all his blood. Shaz is a big dude. He's got lots of blood.

You can almost see that it doesn't understand you. There's nothing behind the eyes except for hunger, as it puts his head up in the air, howls, and then starts running towards. This is stupid. Uh-huh. You guys seen Jurassic World? Yeah. Yeah. You know how Chris Pratt does the...

Yeah. The hamdath, that. Yeah, down. I'm gonna put the gun down. Oh, god, this is stupid. But I realized that the wolf does not understand what I'm saying. Sure.

But you know what? It's a universal language, love. So I'm going to put my hand out, be as just like nurturing as possible. I need you to roll a talk shit roll. Well, what's doing that? I'm going to take the opportunity to try to drag chas and get away.

And hope that the word wolf is satisfied. Grab the gun, keep your gun. Grab the gun too. Can you roll really quick for me a do shit roll? That is satisfied. Grab the gun. Grab the gun too. Can you roll really quick for me a do shit roll? That is a 20. That is a 20. So it's a 20. OK, so just keep that in mind.

And then I'm going to have you roll a toxic roll as the wolf rolls its own wolf roll. Uh, 20 minutes. Oh my god. OK, you put the gun down. Yeah. And hold your hand out. And the wolf sees you do this and then almost stops in its tracks.

And is looking at you confused and worried because while it didn't register what you were saying, it seemed to know what the gun was. And now it looks terrified, almost as if to say, wait, he doesn't get it gun. I don't like this at all. That clocked this. Yes, you are picking up on all of this. It's almost like when you look into this wolf's eyes, you can almost see it's solid. And it seems familiar to you. At least the fear does. While this is happening, Benny grabs the underside, like underneath Chad's arms and just fucking,

sprints out, back towards the camp, I guess, and with safety. Make sure to lift your knees a little bit more, dude. You gotta make sure you have that too sprint, like that's really the form that you want. This wolf nervously sort of walks around you, key for just trying to suss you out. Can I try to stash Chaz and go look through

the cops car for a shotgun? Nice. Can you roll a, can you really no shit roll for me? 22. Wow. Nice. Nice. You guys have seen a Hunger Games where that guy turns himself into a rock and they say that he was able to do that because he was good at Designing case. Yeah, this is a part of the game. By the way, I'm just mad about that part in that movie. Yes, that's what you do. Okay, you made a cake you fucking Ace of Cakes cake boss him into a bush in a second flat and then sprint over to the cops car

and the doors wide open and you find a number of things including a shotgun with three different types of shells, bird, slug and silver. There's like a bandaid or like a baby an ace for apples, that would also be cool. That's a good call. I'll grab some silver shells and look for it. There is a first aid kit inside of the shop. Hell yeah. I'll head back to chat with the first aid kit.

He's been leading out for an hour. He's now been turning a bush. The human body can make more blood. We just have to stop him. I'm like, what? Yeah, it's a lot of dog. While this is happening, back in the clearing, the wolf starts approaching you slowly and nervously,

looking at you, looking down at the gun, and looking at you, what do you do? In the vein of the Chris Pratt Jurassic World Method. Classic. I'm gonna grab the werewolf's hand. The werewolf reaches out, and in a moment, you close your eyes because you think you're about to be clawed to death, but when you open your eyes, the werewolf has the gun.

Where else have I been? And it's funny that you're going, OK, OK, OK. OK, I know you don't understand what I'm saying, but obviously I was trying to be nice. Like, it was like an obvious gesture that, regardless, I don't need the gun. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ruh!

Are you turning into a wolf or pretend? I'm pretending. You're okay. It's freeing the gun. The werewolf is pointing the gun at you. Not able to fit its fat wolf finger inside of the gun and it'll hold her. And in a moment of desperation, let's stand here.

Okay. What are you doing, the crew's bright things to me? I'm just trying to put my foot in there. And the where we'll go. Oh, shut up. I put down the gun. I take it. I take it.

I take it. I take it away. The gun is gone. Do I have to roll like a reaction and kick this gun? You kick the gun into, into, into, into, uh, outside of the forest, uh, but it hits the body of Officer Randall and goes off and shoots him also in the legs. The officer? It shoots the officer.

You're gonna be ready to break the gun. He does that realign be officer. You're already pretty good at it. He does not react because he is dead. Look at fucking dead. What I can do? I'm really, really busy. Oh, no. Shack Scooby. I reach my pocket.

I get my cookie. He takes the cookie. He snips it. He dips it in the officer's the wet. Ew. And then he eats it and goes, re-e-e-e-e-e- it and goes, he eats it. And sits down. Is there like a log situation where he sits?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He sits on a log. Moonlight illuminating from the sky. He sits down almost like content. Like I ate my cookie in my wet. I take a scene next dog. You pull out a joint, light it. The wolf takes the joint, takes hold of the joint

and also inhales and exhales and goes, this is a rainbow bread. And this was English, you're saying. You were speaking my language? Yeah. So, earlier when I said, who are you and you growled at me, what was that? I'm not afraid of firearms. Let's some title say, I'm not afraid of firearms. Okay.

You know what? You're all right. You. Benny, bounce on to the scene, holding a shotgun, loaded with silver shells. Yeah. You have not seen anything else, you just patched up Chaz, what do you do? I see the werewolf sitting next to Kiefer over there.

I shoot the werewolf. All right. You shoot and successfully kill. No! I saved Kiefer, I'm a hero. You shoot him in the leg with a bowl blast of silver, which of you aren't familiar is deadly to wear. Oh! And the wear wolf goes,

and slowly transforms back into the body of Daniel, the camper that- I put the shotgun in Officer Randall's hands. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is perfect. This is perfect. We came upon Officer Randall's shooting Daniel and we had to incapacitate him to save the camper.

I don't know what incapacitated me, but I think what you're saying. Wait, are you still in the book? Yes, I don't know what a group of tucks shit roll for you guys. The camera pans past the trees into the full moon, which slowly dissolves into a sun and goes down. And all we see is a screen of a television show. And I'm going to roll a group of tucks shit roll for you guys. The camera pans past the trees into the full moon, which slowly dissolves into a sun and goes down and always sees a screen of a television, it's the news.

Good morning, camp Redwood and the greater camp Redwood area, terrible news coming from our beloved camp. Officer Randall has shot and killed a small child with a silver shotgun and was only stopped by the brave actions of three lawful citizens and camp counselors. It's just a shame when you see things like this happen and it pans out at you three watch as your plan has succeeded and you got away with murder. And now the single person died on technically the campgrounds of camp redwood. We did it.

Another year successful in the books. Thanks to Bing. You all jump up and freeze frame as you are. And that has been quick quest. Hey. Hey. For joining us, Gus, you have your own D&D programs that you would like to share with our audience.

It's Tails from the Stinky Dragon, you follow it at Stinky Dragon pod on social media platforms. We have a top of the D&D podcast. We also have puppet videos and animated videos. Go check it out on social media. Cool. Sammy, is there anything that you would like to promote while you're here?

World Peace. Damn, can I change my answer to his? Well, he's talking about meta-world peace. Oh, no. Um, thankful for the the Lakers. I think we're going to win it all this year. Yeah. And go go friends. Yeah, and go check out best friends today. Oh, fuck. Go friends. Yeah, and go check out Best Friends Today. Oh, fuck! I forgot. All of the information is the A.O.B. was a lower third. Yes.

And then Drew, my boss. Thank you so much for that. Oh, yeah. Hello. Hello, are the director and writer of the movie, Rocka, which people can learn more about by following you on Instagram at RockaShort. That's right.

Check out RockaShort on Instagram. And you'll have That's right. Check out Rocker Short on Instagram. And you'll have more information about what we're making. Thank you so much for joining us because where else can you watch D&D nerds kill a cop and get away with the child murder? I couldn't even get it out of my body right here. Yeah, I didn't want it. My gallons of wet we fade away into the night.

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Are there? You're a great fit in for Griff, because she also refuses to acknowledge the audience any time. No, I love the audience. We have a, I think a really interesting question, one that really tickled me today. My father passed away when I was really young. Don't worry, I'm over it. And for my whole life, my mom has been a single mother,

but recently she's begun dating. I know my mom is human and humans want to be loved, but I just, sorry, that's, that is funny to me, but I just feel weird about it. How can I get over this and cope with my mommy seeing other dudes? Oh, is this guy a dude himself? Is there an edipist complex thingy going in here? You think that this person wants to bang their own mind? Just because it's one thing to be like, oh, it's weird that my mom is doing this thing that society has told me is gross and you should be ashamed of.

But then it's another thing to be like, there's another man in her life. And I don't like that because, oh, I'm the only man in my life. That's what it sounded like at the end. So it doesn't sound, and I'm not saying that you want to fuck your mother, but it does kind of sound like that.

I know. Carolyn's tapped into something really good here. I think you should try to fuck your mother. You know, I think that you should, so this is a twofold plan. First plan is going to be going through all of her matches on hinge, bumble, tender, plenty of fish, coffee meets bagel, farmers only meet.

Farmers only meet. Oh, the right stuff. J-Day. What's the rights? What is the right stuff? Oh, the right stuff is awesome, dude. It is a conservative's only dating. So I need to get on that.

That's funny. And I have a right- to stuff account that I made. What are the women like? They're exactly what you think they would be. Like, I have no context. Like gun bunnies. Oh no, it locked me out. They knew it.

They could smell it. They're like, I'm just gonna smell like a fucking liberal. They're like, I'm gonna smell like a fucking liberal. I want to, okay. You have blue hair. Yeah. Sorry, internal. That's not an intern either.

So paid contractor. Oh, shit. I don't, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's fucking conservatives, Jesus Christ. So here's the, here's the account for George. I wanted to see where I have pictures of me in a suit. Okay, here it is.

They give you certain prompts and here are the ones that I have. The biggest risk I've ever taken, picking up my life from good old Texas and moving down to Los Angeles. Haven't fully adjusted yet, still looking for recommendations on stuff to do and places to explore.

That one seems pretty normal. Sure. Favorite liberal lie is the same. Oh my God. Oh my God. That all Mexicans have to be liberal. Seriously? Have you ever spoken to any brown grandma's

just as good as the white ones? And here's the last prompt is, January 6th was blank. And it is a single word necessary. Oh, that's funny. Sixth was blank and it is a single word necessary. That's funny. I also, I didn't have very many pictures of myself that made me look liberal.

So I got a screenshot of a truck. Very good. Me and a suit, that always looks good. Red tie, very conservative. Me and a suit. And then just a screenshot of me listening to a kid rock. Sorry, it's like poorly like a crying face.

It's really poorly cropped. So you look very conservative. Yeah, I've a very faked. How diverse is the dating pool there? Like what color are we seeing? More light. It's mostly white. Again, it's mostly white people.

Oh, I'm one. The most recent match that I got was from a couple of weeks ago. And I met with, I matched with Katie, 37. An independent travel agent who can work anywhere as long as there's life. Katie listens to the podcast. Please have a pass forward. Chivalry is very important to me.

I take a lot of Polaris classes, love wine and cheeseboards, voted for Trump twice, and we'll never get the jab. And to Katie. We will never get the job. And to Katie, I said, I'd never kneel for the anthem, but I can't wait to get down on one knee for you, sugar. Yes. And she said, haha, oh yeah, wanna get coffee sometime. Hell yeah. The right stuff, rocks dude.

Are you dating this person's mom? I think that's like... You know what's funny though? Like we joke about this, like this is crazy, but I feel like they probably look at like bumble, like regular bumble and feel that way too. They're like pronouns. That's how they feel about it. So I kinda, you know, it goes both ways.

I watched a guy freak out at Starfield because it has an option to put your pronouns on there, which is just like, it's so fucking dumb. Anyway, my point was, Pro Nanzarga? No, no. Right, right, right, right. My point was, go through your mom's dating apps,

figure out what she's into, and then make a burner account that is the perfect man for her. And then, uh, uh, invest in a lot of prosthetics. And then you get, and then you get to, oh, so it's not fucking creepy when Robin Williams does it and to spend time with his kids. But you want to do the reverse to spend time with your mom. And that's creepy.

Great. Rob Williams is not trying to fuck his mother in Mrs. Doubtfire. You don't know they didn made Miss Doubtfire too. It would have been weird if, he is a son of that movie, right? Yeah, he does. Sure it was a Lawrence. Yeah, he does. Sure it was a Lawrence.

No, it's a body suit, dear. I love this idea of Mrs. Doubtfire where the son is like, home into it. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Can someone find a pornography website and see if Mrs. Doutfire has if there's a porn ovation of it? Someone find a pornography website. Why don't you ask the blue-haired intern you piece of shit? I'm sorry. Do you have your phone? You do.

Don't think I can look up for it. Sorry. My word. Yeah, I think you should missus doubt fire your mom and start the perfect relationship. And also, if I'm pitching titles here, missus doubt firing blanks. Boom, there you go, because you don't get her pregnant because that would be bad. That's the only part of it that would be bad.

That's why I advise. That's terrible advice. What do you mean it's terrible advice? It's great advice. You get the best of both worlds. Your mom gets to be happy because she finds a beautiful person that she loves. And you get to spend more time with your mom

and no man replaces you. I have an alternative plan. Please hit me with it. You log into where it counts. You find the guy that she's like getting coffee with, right? And then you fuck that guy. You show up as your mom on the day. Yeah, you don't want your mom fucking other guys. Fuck them before she can't wait, wait, wait,

hold on, because you're still still committing to the Mrs. Delphine. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, yeah, so you're fucking those guys. Stormsash. Wow. So you're fucking those guys, we're gonna be in a storm sash. Wow. So you're still pretending to be somebody else, but this time you're pretending to be your own mother. Correct. And fucking the dude.

That's right. Ooh, that's a different kind of porn hall together. Yeah. Wow. In turn, look that up. Yeah. Stop calling them an intern. In turn, what would that be called?

That would be, um, that would be a psycho. Who's the main character from psycho? Psycho. Jason Bateman. No. Jason. Jason. It runs for favorite beloved comedian.

You know what I love? I wish that I could say like, oh, that was a silly little bit. And not just my... Also, you meant Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Yeah. Psycho psycho is Norman Bates. That's close to my fault. That's so close.

Norman Bates fucked as his mom. That's this part that Alfred Hitchcock wanted to leave in. That was the Hitchcock cut and they were like, Alfred, I'm scared. That's kind of weird Alfred. We can't keep this in. This is kind of fucked up. I don't think it's that weird.

And I think it's fine. So we have two good solutions. I think you're going to spend a lot of money on prosthetics, a secondary phone, a lot of dates, whichever one you're doing here. It's time. It's a lot of burn-a-ones, you write. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God.

But I think either you do those two very reasonable things or I'm gonna be a little bit silly here. I'm gonna be a little bit weird and a little bit gross. Oh my goodness. But other than that, you just see that your mom is also a human being that is in need of love and affection, the same that you are and that sometimes you just have to go of it. My mom and dad were never together

when I was a kid, and then she married my awful stepfather, who I've talked about on the podcast before. That's Miller Time Mark. Ah, I just gave away his real name. But I didn't say his last name, I'd never say his last name. But I didn't say his last name. I'd never say his last name. No, no, no.

And yeah, then when I was in high school, my mom, after they got a divorce, my mom started going on dates. And she hid the dates from me? Oh, weird. Because she thought that I would get weird about my mommy, my best friend who I love with all of my heart going out there on dates. And I feel weird about it, but in my head I was just like, get a girl.

Get fucked. Yeah. Why would I be mad? Why would I ever be mad? Yeah, if she's happy, that's the other thing is, if dating makes your mother happy, that should make you happy. Yeah. You ungrateful piece of shit that email the Wester Teeth podcast.

I'm not a fucking person. Which is also, by the way, you can do by setting an email to RTcaresatRustarteeeth.com. If you also want this to happen to you or, I don't know, slide that email to your mom's baby. Shit, I'm running in there. Is she on right stuff? Do you think? I'm so glad I finally had an opportunity to talk about the right stuff.

Because it's just been burning a hole in my pocket. It's one of my favorite films. It is, yeah. We've made references to it up the last couple or two short or cold opens. Sorry. Yeah, I think that's helped. And I think that's been good. Do you have anything to say closing out?

Are we finishing? Yeah, that's it. No, I think well, I was very nervous to come on because I I felt like I would be Well, they're still more show. Oh shit never mind. I was gonna do a big dramatic ending We're gonna boy dinner it up. Let's go on to the next section shall we? We're gonna boy dinner it up. Let's go on to the next section, shall we? Shall we? I think that we solved your problem. So let's go on to my favorite segment every single week. It's time for Always On.

[♪ music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing there's circle joke where we drew and I sit around our guest and we joke off. This joke is funnier when it's grip. And when it's you, it feels creepy and gross. In case you're just joining us for the first time or like you two haven't done this before, drew and I wrote jokes about the headlines. We turned them into punch lines because the news is terrible and this is a better way to experience it. We're gonna go joke for joke and then you're going to pick your favorite winner and then

award them with the prize and drew. You're gonna kick us off this week. Peruvian police have detained a man who was caught with an 800 year old mummy who he claimed was named Juanita and was his girlfriend. When questioned the man said, I'm into milfs. No, no, the other kind. I'm into milves, no, no, the other kind. Mommies, I'd like to... Mommies, I'd like to... Can we save? Can we save? Can we save?

Can we save? Can we save? Can we save, fuck? Can't, genuine question, can I say fuck? Yes, do it. Yes, yes, yes, you can absolutely always say fuck. Right. McDonald's has decided to get rid of their self-serve soda machines,

which they believe will significantly cut down on people asking for water cups and then giggling as they walk away. Very good. Uh, that is a joke that I wrote beforehand. And honestly, I am disappointed in them because how, so am I going to make my suicide drink, were you? Which is what we called it as a kid. And I'm now realizing it's problematic,

but that's where you spritz every soda into it. What are the kids call it today? I don't know. What do you guys call it today? What are you referring to? It's suicide. It's suicide. When you go,

Oh, I think it's been like cool aid. No. Technically it was flavor it. Yeah, so that's right. A suicide is when you go to Taco Bell and you hit every flavor, then put cyanide. I like that. I like that this is the only podcast

that immediately corrected everyone. I'm like, no, it's flavor-aid. We all knew that. Right. Right. We all knew what they took a job. Did it change it to cool-aid because of what happened? I think people just knew about cool-aid more than they knew about flavor-aid.

Right. All right. All right. But it's good. It's good that your mind is on branding when we talk about ritual. No, no, no. Drew?

Sure. Medical Before Picture, Elon Musk has had its third child with failed-bureaucen-personator grimes. Doing my best to help the underpopulation crisis, he posted, a collapsing birth rate is the biggest danger civilization faces by far, said the man who is the biggest danger civilization faces by far.

That was really good. See, I can write jokes. That's a really strong joke. I can be a boss and write jokes. That's a really strong joke. I can be a boss and write jokes. That is true. Boy boss. I mean, it's time for Boy Dinner. It's every drink from Taco Bell and a joke that you wrote before this show.

It's every drink from dinner and then suicide. That's what it is. Boy dinner. I think about Boy Dinner a lot now. California has moved to decriminalize psychedelic drugs taking one step further and taking Colorado's spot as America's cool uncle. I don't mind if you get high, just rather you do it under my roof. That's very good. I didn't feel that great about that joke. That was a good one. Thank you. Thank you. And like you wrote these like

30 seconds before you don't tell them that. I spent an hour to get like media mediocre jokes. Like and you just like cranked out three like gems. They are not supposed to know that I wrote these before. I'm pulling back the curtains. I'm pulling back the whole curtain. You're gonna have to cut out so much of this episode. I'm just like, oh yeah. A lot of this gets left in now, man.

I'm gonna make it to where you have to cut it. All right. Good luck. Convicted murderer and pro hide and seeker at Deniello Cavalcante, crab walked his way to freedom from a philly area penitentiary. He's the only Philadelphia resident on record to a fucked around and not found out.

Oh, that's good. That's good. I think what's funnier to me is I have watched the video and he literally did crab walk out of prison. Yeah. It sounds like we're... All of this is gonna sound like a bit. He's a fucking loony tunes character.

Yeah. Who keeps like a vading police because they spot him and then don't catch him. And he's just keeps changing his appearance. He stole a van and like got through a police barricade. You know what I'm realizing right now? Is that we have two people working on the show today that we've never seen one that keeps covering their face with the mask. Where are you from?

Draft Kings has apologized after they received complaints for their 9-11 themed, never forget promotion. And honestly, I think that title was really tasteless, but who else is letting you put 25 large on where the terrorists will strike next? Oh, that's very good. That was great. I love that. Thank you.

I'm hearing groans. I'm hearing groans. I'm hearing groans on set. We'll send everyone back to, where was he from, Florida? Yeah, Philly. Philly. Philly. Oh, so those have been the headlines.

We turn them into punchlines. Now we turn to you in the center of our circle joke. Which joke did you like the most? Well, I liked your Elon Musk joke. I felt that was just extremely descriptive and very funny, but I have a soft spot for 9-11 Something about it. I do it's right around the like 12 floors. Yeah Woo

And for that you get to Woo! And for that, you got to get it. Very good. I'm the only one. Oh my God. I'd like to thank so many people. I'd like to thank Caroline for coming on. I'd like to thank Drew for giving me a job.

And I'd like to thank our producer Tyler for already writing an apology letter on behalf of Rooster Teeth for the 9-11 jokes we made this episode. We'll see you next week, folks. Thank you so much for tuning in. Wow. I fucked it up already. That's okay, but all right. Bye. Boy dinner. Boy dinner. Did you know that you can't simply walk into mortar? I'm Kristi Marish from Black Boxdown and Tales from the Sticky Dragon and ten years ago me and a friend hiked across New Zealand from the Hobbiton movie set to the real-world Mount Doom.

Now we're going back to recreate Bilbo Baggins' journey from the Hobbit, in the ultimate load of the Rings adventure. We're attempting to walk 160 miles across New Zealand from the set of Hobbiton to the real-world Lonely Mountain. Along the way, we must barrel right across rivers, solve riddles in the dark, and attempt to climb 10,000 feet to the top of an active volcano. In only 10 days, this brand new Ducu series is called IRL Adventures, a simple walk-to, and it's available for free at roosteteat.com or on the roosteteat app. So, if you're a Lord of the Rings fan or just enjoy survival shows like Alone and Naked and Afraid, you will love this.

And guess what, there's also a podcast. Each day of our adventure, we strapped a GoPro tour producer and recorded a live, unedited podcast while hiking across Middle-Earth. Both of these amazing shows are available right now, so please go check them out at roosttv.com or download the Roosttv app and search for IRL adventures a simple walk to. That's IRL Adventures a simple walk to at Roostooth.com.