Rooster Teeth Podcast - Can Your Google Search Get You Arrested? - #755

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

Join the cast of the new RT Podcast as they discuss how your search history can land you in prison, play Phone Chicken, teach you how to “rizz up some cuties”, and turn some current headlines into punchlines! Description should read: Join the cast of the new RT Podcast as they discuss how your search history can land you in prison, play Phone Chicken, teach you how to “rizz up some cuties”, and turn some current headlines into punchlines! Already a FIRST Member and need your Private RSS feed for this show? Go here: http://bit.ly/FIRSTRSS #SearchHistory #Hinge #standup Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What would you do if you had the freedom to be anyone or to go anywhere without limitations? Start your journey and experience for yourself the feeling of total freedom when you game with Alienware. Alienware is your portal to new worlds where limits don't exist and the only rules are the ones you decide to make. Defy boundaries and start gaming now at Alienware.com. Next-gen gaming is built with Intel Core i9 processors. Next Gen Gaming is built with Intel Core i9 processors. This is a Ristatief production. Welcome everybody to the only show ranked 47th in education. It's the RT podcast. Woo!

Yes! I am your host, Armando Torres, and joining me are my co-hosts as always. We have... Andrew Rosas. And... Good. Keepin'... Grip constantly in a battle to undersell her own name

at every given opportunity. By episode four, I feel like it's gonna be an audible. It'll be one syllable. It'll be Armando Torres. I'm Andrew Rosas. Yeah. Yeah. We are the new hosts of the RT podcast.

We've taken it over in a bloody coup. Yes. And there were no survivors. No, just us. Absolutely. And it's good to be here. But we wanted to share with you a little bit of how the show is going to work from now on.

We have created a show that from the ground up is built from the DNA of all of your favorite RT properties. That means RT shorts, as you may have seen if you're watching the video version of the show. We have some fun segments, games, bits. Before we get started with the fun parts, though, we have a letter from our executive team. with the fun parts, though. We have a letter from our executive team. Mm-hm. Episodes release on Mondays for first members starting June 19th. That means 24 hours early and add free.

But of course, you can still catch the show on Tuesdays wherever you listen to podcasts. You'll still see clips on socials and YouTube, but the only way to watch the full video episode is on the Ruestri T site for first members and non-first members. Insert non-problematic, non-company disparaging joke here. Whoops. Yes, that's the show and I'm back here in different clothes.

I'm the flash baby, I'm so quick. Yeah, there are going to be some changes, but it's still going to be the show that you know and love, or it's going to be a new show that you love even more. Or it's going to be a different show that you like a little bit less but still tolerate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All of those are equally good. That sounds like the review I've gotten from every person that I've ever dated. Oh, no.

So before we started recording the episode, Andrew brought to our writers room. One of the weirdest headlines that I think I've read in in recent months. Do you have that story? Yeah, I'm not pulling up right here. This is from NBC News. This is Han off the press guys. You might have heard this story, but NBC News says, the Utah woman accused of killing her husband by poisoning him, then authoring a children's book on grief, allegedly searched for lethal doses of fentanyl,

life insurance payouts, and lie detector tests on her iPhone, according to court documents. Here's one search. If someone is poisoned, what does it go down on the death certificate as? A-ha-ha. Um, also searched, what is a lethal dose of fentanyl?

Okay. Any. Can cops force you to do a lie detector test? Death for certificate says pending will life insurance still pay? Oh my god. Oh my god. First of all, I'm a little biased because I'm a huge fan of her work. I absolutely love the hungry little caterpillar

takes fentanyl papers. Or where the overdose husbands are. Right. But I am as a huge fan of hip hop against people's like lyrics being used in their court cases. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. This, I feel like, is not that. No.

You basically searched how to not look guilty when definitely you murdered your husband. True, like truly, it is one step away from that very search term. Yeah. But here, and here we go, and this is how you know, this is how you know that she had some self-awareness in this matter because the next search thing, how to permanently delete information

from an iPhone remotely. Oh, so she'd already been caught, and then, which, woo, woo, woo, but she already caught and signed into her iCloud elsewhere to Google How did the how the wipe her phone remotely? I have not looked over the core document She's an idiot find my phone report it lost stolen brick it. What the fuck?

Brick it. Absolutely terrible op-seq awful garbage. I would get away with murder. Oh Not any more I'm not saying who's having already I'm not saying that she shouldn't go to jail, but I am saying I feel like at a certain point how self-incriminating, like what's the line? What's I think it is Ken Force cop to do lie detector test? Yes, I think you know, she was writing her grief book plausible deniability. She writes, she's Google weird stuff because she writes books about weird.

See, here's the thing is like, I've heard, there's been stories of people who are like, they murdered somebody and then wrote like a true crime book or something. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's been a lot of, basically, what I'm trying to say is never trust anyone who makes true, true crime content.

Absolutely not. And I say that as the host of a current true crime podcast. Correct. Yes. And I agree with you as the host of a future true crime podcast. That's right. This is, this is from the mouse. Straight from the horse's mouth.

Do not trust these people. Also, I want to specify what Griff was saying is that's a new show that we're working on. It's not a true crime podcast that will come out. It's a future true crime podcast. We go, these are crimes that are going to be committed. If your name is Kevin Neilsson, she's lying to you. The Minority Report podcast. Every episode, like, oh, a red ball. Here we go. And then we scroll through the future footage. Yeah, to be fair. That's a reference from like 1999 for all the kids out there.

If you're saying that like the author of a true crime podcast. Okay, because that's the thing right? Yeah. I run a true crime podcast. I've made a lot of awful Google searches. You looked up the dead cult people shoes. Yeah, the Nike decades. On stock ads.

Yeah, the Nike decade joggers that Evans gate war when they all did a thing. They caught that last train out of the casmos. Go in anywhere. We team. Yeah. Jesus. I've yeah, I've I've googled a lot of stuff when we were covering like some of these some of these really aggressive, violent cults. I've looked up like, how make bomb, you know? Like, sure. That's one thing. You could make the argument even that other true crime or crime fiction detectives doing this, that you could make that argument like, oh, I was looking it up for the book. Exactly. I was looking it up for the book. This is a children's book.

This isn't like the curious bear discovers due process. Yeah. You don't know what was in your drafts, just in your search history. Sure. Curious George is forced to take a lie detector test after the man in the yellow hat became the man in the red state group.

I don't know. I see like, I flip back and forth on it because like, I don't want anyone to go through my search history ever. Of course, there's a lot of awful stuff, especially out of context. Sure, especially out of context. Extrude, especially out of context.

Well, you know, you bring up a good point because like I think as like creative people as writers and stuff, we do a lot of research. And we want to have to make sure things are accurate. I want to make sure like, we understand the. And we want to have to make sure things are accurate. I want to make sure, like, we understand the things that we want to write about, like, the characters that we create. And so that does put, like, a very, like, huge barrier

on, you know, creating authentic stuff. When it's like, yeah, I want to write this character that is, like, a, you know, bomb maker. So I do need to look up bombs, but I also don't want to get on a list and I also want to be able to fly places eventually. You know what I mean? So it's like, VPN, Chromebook, done. Interesting. I would just go to the public library.

No, you just live. You shift the volume with your card number. Oh, you just live. No, you have to have a card number to log in. Like, yeah, no, I'm saying that you just lie when you send a library card. When you make you show mail. You just, you know, easy a card number to log in like, yeah, no, I'm saying that you just lie when you send a library card. You make you show mail. You just, you know, easy to just to fake mail.

You steal mail? Yeah, all the time. So, more federal crime. No. It's not. I googled it. Federal crime, steal mail, kill us. In the library, where you lied about it, don't give people tips on how to get away

with it. Well, here's the thing. Someone says to me, VPN Chromebook, I'm like, okay, so you are definitely a criminal. It's like, no, no, you're definitely trying to watch community on Netflix. Yeah. That's what it is. You're trying to watch Nirvana, the band, the show. Yes. Yes. It's less of a criminal and more of a, I ignored the awful of service stream by date on my Google calendar. Like, you know, I just like,

and no, the guy put down his Vancouver now. I think what's really interesting to me is that like, this thought process of like the things that you Google search being able to be seen by other people is like, all things considered a relatively new concept, I think, at least for like the general public. Oh, 100%. I think this person didn't even know that they're a Google search

until they had finished searching all of these things. Because like, I remember being a kid and trying to like, Google search stuff and not even being aware of the fact that like other people on my computer could see what I was googling and I'm talking about stuff like girls kissing. But and then followed by bigger but and some things never change because those searches are going on to this day exactly those search terms have never changed. What I do think is interesting is that like you're you have to be so worried where like, we all make the joke right of like,

if you look up anything about like, we're the high-tech body or something, like, oh, my FBI agent is watching me. When I was in middle school, I had a PDF document of the anarchist cookbook, just loaded on the family computer. Of course, yeah, 100%. Yeah, same.

And this is again, this brings up the age difference. It was me in college at the PDF. Sure. I never at any point was afraid that that was going to come. That having the ingredients on how to make a napalm and like how to take down society as a PDF right next to like the pictures that we took on vacation to San Antonio on the same part, right? I don't know. I think it's I so I guess pictures of the took on vacation to San Antonio on the same hard drive. I don't know.

I think it's, so I guess. Pictures of the Alamo next to pictures of Thermite. Oh, God. I think it's, I guess, I think it's a case by case basis. Is my ruling on this? Sure. Is that like your search history should be admissible in court if it is this incriminating?

You could almost, if you took up every sentence that she Googled, should be admissible in court if it is this incriminated. You could almost, if you took up every sentence that she Googled, it is almost a word for word confession of the crime. I just, it's like, now closing arguments, Lawyer gets up. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! What are we even doing? What are the odds? That's all. Thank you. This is a jump for five people, but she basically, this is like Bobby Schmurder googling,

what to do when you catch a body by the week ago? Fremaboy Bobby, come on. I think he's out. Well, speaking on how terrible it is to find things in people's search history, we're going to cut to our first segment. Andrew, take it away. It's time for a game that brings competition

to the most terrifying moment in a life of a human being, handing someone else your unlocked phone. Welcome to Phone Chicken. And really don't really do this. So this is our first like big segment. Yes. And this comes from the horrifying mind of you, culture roses. Yes.

The evil machinations within. And you face no repercussions at all. Yeah. Not at all. I get out of this, got free. Because every time. Does the winner get to go through your phone? Absolutely not. Okay.

I love the look in here because you had a fiery look in your eyes. How dare you even ask me? The very idea. Yeah, exactly. So explain your little fucking twisted game. So this is phone chicken and it is a game where two people exchange phones and then already don't like it. And then move for move inside the phone

until one person doesn't like what the other person might find and asks for their phone back. And that person who asks for their phone back loses and is the phone chicken. And the winner wins a prize to be determined by me. That is the game. winner wins a prize to be determined by me. That is the game. So, little peek behind the curtain.

Yes. I was told the bare bones premise of what this was yesterday. And so I did a cursory walk through of my phone trying to do op-sack before I realized that this is like, truly, when I die, and if you're a paramedic that finds my body crashed on the side of the highway, take this and fucking destroy it. Once you do, inside of my phone, there's a tiny note with an address with $100,000 in unmarked bills.

Take this, dunk it in sulfuric acid, take that tub, put it in a rocket, shoot it to the moon. I never, I never want anyone to see what's on my phone. Did you have like a, you know what, they'll have the photo albums based on everyone's face. Was there one that was just your peepee? That was just like me, Andrew your bliss, my penis. I think it is so fascinating.

And the reason I love this game is because it is so funny that we all carry the weapons that can kill us. We all carry our own daggers. It's weird, mutually assured destruction. It's exactly, exactly. We're all in a digital standoff with each other. All right, we have exchanged phones. They have exchanged phones.

And we had a coin flip backstage. Yes. And I won. Armando won. So what does that mean? That means you get to go make the first move. Oh. You get to make the first move.

And let me clarify something, rules of the game. A move counts as going forward into an app. So you can open an app, like then scrolling is another move. OK. OK. What doesn't count as a move is going backwards So you can go backwards to the home screen you can go backwards inside an app that is not count as a move Okay, but anything that moves forward in progression to discover any any element of discovery is a move

So but this doesn't count as a move scrolling through the home screen not does not count as a move. Okay Okay, it's a new move when I open a new page. Correct. I got you. Yes. First and foremost, this isn't my move, but you have an app called the Wiz. It's the Khalifa app.

You open it and it just cannot stop spitting bars. It's just a relentless. I do, I do. I've Wiz, I've WISE and I've Wiz. I'm seeing all of them right here. I do I've whizzed I've whizzed and I've whizzed. I'm seeing all of them right here. I do different things. I also I'll get to my move here in a second, but I want to tell you why I'm so terrified

because Andrew just said Califa and my brain my brain didn't go whizz, it went me. From the podcast. I am so fucked, please don't go to my browser. You know what? I'm going to your browser. So I'm going, I'm opening up Google Chrome. Okay, the first move has been made.

Armando has opened the Google Chrome browser. I opened up Google Chrome. Apparently nothing. That's okay. Interesting. This is just her workout plan. Yeah, I worked out this morning. I went to the gym.

It was an arm day. I did, I did tries and buys. Uh-huh, uh-huh. All right. Okay, so. Well, great. It was an arm day. I did I did try and buys Well, I'm gonna go to your pictures classic move classic phone chicken moves like going to the You're dude you got something on here. No, I'm gonna go to your pictures. Okay. Well, I'll show you how to use Skill issue TV Okay, well, I'll show you how to use it. I'll. I'll. Skillish you TV. Yeah, it's yeah, it's um, okay. I have opened the photo app. Okay.

I see a picture of Andrew having a mental breakdown and what appears to be one of our privacy booths that work. You'll have to be more specific. I see I see Mando's taken a blank Uno card and just written kill me on it. That was that was from when we played Uno infinite and I was like 20 hours deep. And then just and then just about to do it stand up outside of and you look pretty cool. Uh huh.

Uh huh. So nothing incriminating so far. Well, except that kill me. Yeah. Nothing incriminating on the home screen. Yeah. You want to show that to the. Yeah.

It's just this is normal. That's perfect. Opsack. Yeah. Yeah. That's squeaky clean. You don't want to open photo You don't want to be like at work and be like oh, let me show you this photo click on something and then show I mean, I You don't but I'm assuming That you're just as gross of a little fucking demon as I am. So I'm gonna go to, I'm gonna go, I'm clicking on the like search bar. Yes, yes, yes. And I'm gonna do a move that we've all done before.

So. I'm gonna just type in P. The letter P. And see what. No. There's fucking nothing. It's like, it's fucking Pat Sejak. It's one of the most recently-sterest ones. Some say the most erotic search term. That's weird because I don't know who that is.

Do that. Hold on. Let me read to you the top four things that it's- Why is this more embarrassing than porn? Pufferfish carrot. Now Paris Trojan War and then Paroxyt and athletes foot good question mark. I was trying to clear the map. I did clean the map. Honestly, I wish it was porn. Why is Patreon so high up in your fucking list? I support the art. Support the art.

Okay, so you've searched P and that's what brought it up. So that's your move. Yeah. Griff, it is now your turn. I'm gonna click on the Reasons. Okay, perfect. Okay. It's just us.

Thank you. Oh, thank you. It's E. Yeah, that's just it's our photo shoot. Uh, Andrew having a panic attack. Uh-huh Drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs. No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. If it's appropriate, can you show the people at home for viewing listeners? Are viewing listeners, that's right.

It's literally just like pictures of us from our photo shoot that we did and then like Blizz. Yeah. Oh wait, should delete that. That's, oh yeah, that's to be clear, we're recording this before the blizz controversy. Yeah, exactly. We might have. Are you drinking a beer in the shower? Uh, that's not a shower beer. You want to, you can, I'll give you a freebie, you can open

that one up. Oh, that's a shower joint. You can look through all of my photos, but you're not going to find anything incriminating. There's nothing incriminating on my internet at all. I'm not like you. That's absolutely what this is all about. Okay, so, Mando, give it to us. Your move. I am remembering something that Griff told me once,

I'm confident about, and it's making more sense why the top search to pee is Patreon? Because Griff once told me about the type of Patreon people that, oh, dude! Oh, immediately! Top of the Patreon page, get! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude!

Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude!

Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude!

Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, dude! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Well done drawing. Incredibly well rendered. Incredibly well rendered and endowed. Everyone in this photo. There's a man wearing a blizz style beanie. Yes. Who is putting himself inside of another man. Yes.

And then that man reverse cowboy style is inserting himself into a woman the mouth of a woman the mouth of a woman. I Promise can I just the audience sure Ever since ever since tumblr closed or this has had a lot of issues knowing where to put their stuff because Instagram doesn't let you show titties or be piece and Twitter is a cesspit and I believe in supporting the arts and that's why I give my heart earned dollars that I earned from doing this podcast to artists

so that they can live out their dreams of expressing themselves even even even even even if even, even if, even if, even if, it's like that, okay? The way you're breaking down, there are tears in the corners of your eyes right now. Here's my problem because I love supporting the arts, but I also just scroll down a little bit. No! And there's a mermaid. No! With two dicks. Yeah! Sure, except two dicks. Yeah, sure except two dicks. It makes them sure. Sure except two dicks, but Mermaid's doll. He might be a shark mermaid.

You don't know my turn. Okay. I've gone through all of Mante's pictures. Yeah. And there's nothing in here. Scrubbed clean. Yes. I'm a clean boy.

Okay. So what are you doing? What's the, or you know, navigation or move? Okay, so here's the thing. Mando keeps saying he did op-suck. So, I'm gonna go to his recently deleted. Oh! What's that? What's that?

Whoa, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Rebase, I deon? Yeah! I, I intuited that. You sneaky, sneaky pervert. So, is opening at my move? Yes, you can open recently deleted. It's open.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's open and it's open and it's full. It's a lot. Oh, don't. Okay, so recently, you cannot scroll, but recently deleted. I think I know what's in here. Recently, did deleted has been opened. I think I know what's in here.

Mondo has a flop sweat going right now. This is a black day for baseball. I see something. There are 1,987 photos and 240 videos in this folder. Can I get a cup of water in here to do a spit take place? It's gonna fly in a cup of water so I can go... Pfft! I would like to be given the chance to explain myself. Sure.

Go for it. I would go for it. Address the audience. Pfft! This is the first that I'm being made aware that there is a recently deleted section on your phone. If I want it gone, why would you keep it on my phone? Guys, clean that shit out.

So I'm not allowed to scroll, but what I will say is I can see something skin tone colored. No, no, no, no, no. At the very top of the screen, like right above the time, I see flesh tone. Yes. And now, hold on a second. Is it the rich olive flesh tone of our sweating brother here? Um, is it the glistening tone of a flops wedding man biting his... No, it's kind of in shadow.

It could go either way. Ooh, I love this. Is that a ball or a titty, I can't tell. I love this. Okay, so ball or a titty, I can't tell. I love this. Okay, so, Gris move was recently deleted. We've seen, flesh can be seen from afar in one of the top photos. It's one scroll up.

It's one scroll up. I can't scroll up. It's one scroll up. And you show my, I don't care about patron. Patron, that is not me. That's not, that's not even real people. It's like, it's lead on paper. I don't give a shit. Okay, can I, am I allowed to back out? Remember this encounter is right? Backing out not that's not even real people. It's like it's lead on paper. I don't give it. Okay. Can I am I I'm allowed to back out

Remember his account is backing out. It's not a move. You want to like start you got to start fresh So if you want you can start fresh you can back out that doesn't count as a move But I mean I also have you kind of in check right now So this neck I mean like it this is this is serious if I mean unless you're not ashamed of what's in your recent, the deleted, why would you? Don't, don't you fucking screw up. I just got a finger ring. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Griff's finger is like, like, it's on the button. Like, we're at like Bay of Pigs, like,

I know. Two in Missile Crisis levels of like, is it how many recently deleted photos are there? 1,987 and 248 videos. That happened yesterday night. If you scroll up, you're basically going to find a fucking Disney Pixar storyboard animatic of the ex. And I don't.

I just fucking zootrop of filth. It's just a dick riding. I have one fucking move. There's wise outlook, Wiz, Google Chrome. I can go to the text messages, baby. Do a lingo in a magic carpet game. Why are you so wholesome? Oh, I can scroll up and see all the apps.

Oh, yeah, because, okay, for the people at home, you must know that Armando uses an iPhone and Griff uses a something else. There's a huge learning curve. Hold on. Oh, you sneaky bitch. You can't fucking out horn dog or horn dog. Okay, you know what I just went through was Gryff's Google Chrome account. You know what I just found right here? Firefox. Okay. No. Yes. Okay. Mm.

Okay, no. Oh, no. Oh my God. No. Wait. Did we just end the game? Armando Torres, you have one phone chicken. Yeah.

Griff. Griff. Griff is the loser. Griff is the phone chicken. Ah. Ah. And the winner of tonight's game, Griff is the loser, Griff is the phone chicken. And the winner of tonight's game, this is your prize. You get a Walmart burner phone for all the best op-seq possible.

This is the stuff you do your, you know, your questionable shit on. So please enjoy that burner phone. I just want to try. You can't even open that. In my closing remarks, all I would like to say is that we looked at two mermaid dicks and a lot of Goku porn.

There was no Goku porn. Sure. She wouldn't even let me open Firefox. We need to investigate what Griff's up to. Yeah, we don't need to cheat. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. What filth could lurk on the second web browser?

We'll never know. And we can only imagine, and that has been... ["Full-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight-Eight- And that was phone chicken. Oh, bless you for playing the game. It's such a good, very blessed. It's such a good time. Hi, I don't look. The thing is, is like, I won, but I don't feel like there were any winners in this game. That is the rub. And which is, I honestly, what I saw a lot of, and all your, both your phones.

Oh, okay, all right. No. No. Let's like talk about literally anything. That's a good tea up because here's the thing. Can we get off our phones instead of getting off on our phones? Okay. Burner phones are absolutely one of the most expensive things that we've had to buy.

So now we're going to cut to Daddy Wallets and here from our sponsors. This episode of the Rooster Teeth Podcast is sponsored by our friends, Shady Rays. Shady Rays have you covered for the warm weather ahead with premium polarized shades at an affordable price. And in case you don't already know, Shady Rays is an independent sunglasses company that offers a world-class product just as good as any other pair we've worn before. And Andrew, you've worn a lot of God-offel sunglasses before, right? Just a absolute train of terrible sunglasses. And not, well, not anymore. Thank God.

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With Helix better sleep starts now. This episode of the RT podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. It is so easy to get caught up in what everyone else isn't needing from you and you can forget what your own needs are. I've been guilty of this sometimes. You know, you put other people before yourself and then suddenly you're mentally exhausted and completely burnt out. If you've ever found yourself feeling this way, therapy can give you the tools to find

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Gosh, 100% stone cold podcast money getters. That's us. Absolutely not at all going to get in trouble and have to do make goods for those Yeah, hey look if you've are listening to this show then there is obviously something very wrong with you But we are here to make your life better one podcast segment at a time. Welcome to RT cares one podcast segment at a time. Welcome to RT Cares. Hello, and welcome to RT Cares, the segment where we take your questions and turn them into dumb answers. Today's question is about dating. After getting out of a long term relationship, I finally decided to get on the apps. I've had a

date here and there, but recently a friend of mine let me go through her Tinder account, and I'm realizing my profile might be kind of boring. How do I make the perfect dating profile and you risk up some cuties? Well, first of all, if this is anyone writing over the age of 30, writing, risk up some cuties, ground up rebuild.

Like you have to go back, I mean, this is like, and to be clear, I know that you're over 35 because you use the phrase, I'm getting on the apps. And also you went to Tinder. Oh, God. And not like Hinge. Tinder truly is where love goes to die. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, slam and sex. I think I'm the last person that got the relationship off of Tinder.

I think I was the last one. They should do that. Yeah. You sound a relationship off of Tinder. This is like, do you mind telling the story? Oh, yeah. So I decided to get on the apps. And let me see.

Am I not sure. There's some keys. Yeah. And it was like, I hated it so much. It was the most depressing thing because just to put this in the time capsule, half of the people were just like looking for a third. Looking for, well, half of them were looking for a third

and the other half were like nurses that traveled here to work in the COVID war. Oh God. Oh God. So you know, the person, the stranger that you want to meet up with. This is pre-free vaccine too. So like, you know, that's a real risky business.

Man, you are really playing sexual roulette there, yeah. Do you mean vaccine for COVID or vaccine for not being left in a three-sum situation? I should do the same. No. So I was opening up the apps to delete them because they sucked shit and I was sick of it. And I got like a super like,

and I'm a little ha-ha-he-he boy. So whenever I get the super like, I'm like, damn, that thumbs lip, huh? Because no one's ever super like to anyone intentionally. This is how every super like happens. I just download the Tinder. Okay, that's dislike. That's like, what's the blue thing? Oh, I super like them.. Of course. This is how every super like happens. I just download the Tinder. Okay, that's, that's dislike. That's like, what's the blue thing?

Oh, I super like them. Oh, shit. Yeah. And that's how it always happens. And I usually just get like an LOL back or nothing. Or nothing. Cause it was an accident. Except she did it on purpose.

And now we're married. She super liked her way into your heart. Yeah. It's so, and I think that's the last time it ever happened. They sent a certificate to you. The last actual relationship to come out of tender. Yeah. I think it's definitely like the last good one. Sure. I feel like Tinder has helped a lot of unhealthy people fight each other. Oh yeah. And waste their like mid 20s. Yeah. Before her, it was a series of Sarah's,

all spelled different. It was all bisexual girls named Sarah and they each had a different, there's like, if you go on my phone and you type in Sarah and so all of the names were saved by the app that I met them on. Jesus. So it'd be like Sarah with an H, Tinder,

Sarah no H age bumble. Like that's like how I was keeping my ducks in the row. I wanted to touch on one thing that you just said, because I thought I was the only one where like my early, my like late teenage years, like you know, 17 through 19, and then like my early 20s has just been spent dating a series of women named Danny or Danielle Oh, no, that's my middle name. Elz or

D. That's my middle name. Are you is your name? this magic moment God DMCA strike came Yeah, and they always end the same. It's just a series of dating women who completely ruined my life for six months and then won't get out of my head. And this is a picture that you passed by and it's my favorite picture I have on my phone. It's on my birthday.

I think on my 25th birthday, it just says, happy birthday. You suck. Oh, from one of the Daniels. From one of the many Daniels. Of course. So let's focus on the question. How just says happy birthday. You suck. Oh, from one of the Daniels. From one of the many Danes. So let's, let's focus on the question. How do you, okay, how do you all, how do you, how do you, how do you, how do you, you go first? Sure. Yeah. I, you know, I am a young and probably the youngest person in this room right now. Yeah. I think so.

And I kind of, when I graduated high school, that's when Tinder was getting really popular. Yeah. And then I've done, and then I've done, did fucked up and got myself into a long committed relationship for a really long time. I just thought too. And when I came out of it, Tinder was dead.

And there was suddenly bumble and hinge. And bag baby meets coffee Beggle meets coffee which I don't get at all The Jewish one oh the black one oh Farmer one wait is bagel meets coffee the one where Jews and black people meet each other. Yes, actually is that really really what it is. Yeah, those are two set, yeah. Jesus Christ. Bagel meets coffee sounds like it wasn't real. It was invented by SNL.

Actually, Bagel meets coffee is the Indonesian title for the Queen Latifa Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm being sold its coffee meets Bagel. Oh, that makes so much more sense. My point is, as I was overwhelmed by all of the different apps and I started going on there and trying to piece it together. And what genuinely, what has worked for me is just being a silly little girl. Same, I've silly gooseed my way into every relationship I've ever had.

Yeah, I have tried. Solid strategy. So hard to post like really funny pictures of myself that also show me and like, you know, like, oh, look at him, he's doing something fun and exciting. He's always doing that. And then I would like write bios that were like, they were just a loof enough that it was like, I didn't spend too much time on it.

Sure. And that worked for a little bit. But I also realized I wasn't really getting any batches. You know what did work for me a lot? Right. Same bio all the way at the top, single line, six foot five. That's it.

Just boom, but explode it in interest. Fucking fade away shot into the pussy. Where five foot six? Five foot three. I wish, no, I had put the opposite where I would have the funny bio. And then at the end, I, because like usually dudes, you're like, six, four, since that matters. Like whatever, they're obviously bragging

they're 64. Exactly. So I would just put like, five, two since that matter. That's very good. I actually don't think that it's a brag to be six foot four, because any person over six foot three, all that tells me is you're not going to be comfortable in Europe.

All right. Your life is stuck to fat America, where things are made for you, and the rides at Disneyland can fit you And I'm not talking huge my kids are gonna be massive my kids are gonna destroy whoever they come out. Yeah Yeah, I just fucking Indian it Raiders bolder right out of that fucking and then they start playing basketball Yeah, they get drafted being six foot five is the best way to do it. And and I know this doesn't seem like it's good advice, but I've seen shoes that make you taller.

Just do that. Just lean into how tall that you have to take the shoes off eventually. Yeah, but the time you take the shoes off is too late. Two. I don't like saying too late. I don't know. I don't know. You used don't like saying too late. I don't like saying too late. It's too late. I'm pretty sure I'm pretty I feel like

silly uses the best way to go. I my girlfriend my girlfriend uh match with me and then the thing that sold her was that I just said the phrase that I'm a Ryan Murphy Apologist and that's older that was it that's all it took you be a little bit funny. Who's Ryan Murphy Apologist, and that's older. That was it. That's all it took. You'd be a little bit funny. Who's Ryan Murphy? You're straight. He made Glee and Nip Tuck in American Warstery.

I'm saying I'm Warst. And Glee is the most horrifying animal three of those. That's true. Glee is one of the worst shows in television. I've ever watched. Yeah, but I stand by it. I'm a Ryan Murphy Apologist.

And it got you into a relationship. So I think what we're saying here is, how to make your profile more exciting is to literally have a personality. That's really all. No, that's. And be six foot four. That's Griffs, a recommendation is

have a personality be a silly ghost. My recommendation is to just be tall. Okay. Simply have the surgery that makes you fucking taller. It takes like the bones from your spine or whatever. It shortened your life by 30 years. You might die. I don't do that.

You have to literally live by the hospital. Like you have to like live near a hospital because you could clot at any second and they need to rush into surgery. Yeah. I've wondered a lot why being tall is so important to people because like, I used to be, I used to live in a car and travel around and just do stand-up comedy. Yeah, I used to have no job, no income, and I used to still date people. Oh, and I wasn't like hiding this information. I was still dating these people. And whenever people would describe me to their friends,

they'd be like, it's really tall. That was always number one. So my leading series. So where do you live? You might not have heard of it's called the Accord. Oh, what part of town is that in? It's the planet fitness parking lot. You know the best by the freeway?

Oh, is it near there? Yeah, real close to that. Technically speaking, I did have a black card. It wasn't a credit card or anything. It was an all over pass to any planet. That's me 20 bucks a month. But yeah, my theory on it is that if you're tall, if you're big like me, women will see you

and they'll go, well, yeah, he's a piece of shit But I mean if this whole comedy thing doesn't work out, he can always be a starting lineman for Exactly if this comedy thing doesn't work out, he could just become the greatest basketball player to ever do it So that's okay. Those are the have have a personality. Be freakishly tall. Yeah. What's yours? So this could not have, this question could not have come at a better time because I myself am back out there.

I'm on the market as they say. Are you risen up? Are you risen up cuties? Are you back on the apps? I'm back on the apps as they say and I am a, risen up the cuties. We get that clean tone. Rising up the cuties.

Stop it. Don't want to. Rising up the cuties. Can we get that clean tone? Rising up the cuties. Stop it. Don't want to. Rising up the cuties. Do it. Matt Berry style. Rising up the cuties. Scars. Yeah.

Yes. Um, so I, I, so I'm recently on the apps. And so I'll give you a little tour. I'm, I have gone the silly goose route because I can't be six four. I can only be my six foot So I have been gone. I've gone full personality with it and I definitely have gone to the the comedy route because The only thing I can commit to is a bit apparently You know they give you prompts on hinge to like so you fill in the prompts

So let me lay this on you. My most irrational fear, going to try a nobleman's a Montiado, but being sealed behind a wall instead. Worst idea I've ever had, agreeing to help my friend Montressor verify the authenticity of a cast of wine. One thing I'd love to know about you is, do you have a lantern, a sledgehammer, and a map of the catacombs? That was my favorite day on Twitter.

I miss that. When every kid would be taking the SATs or some shit at the same time, and they're like, hey, you cannot talk about this test. We will arrest you and you will never go to future college. And then every kid's like, y'all look at that question about the guy in the wall. And the guy in the wall?

Yes, so Mando is like crying. He's either like so happy with me or disappointed, I can't tell. I just fucking like, if you're unfamiliar, if you like me or too busy, risen up the cuties in, when you were in seventh grade English class,

not reading the cask of Armando's gotto. Armando's gotto, yeah. Yeah, here's the thing. I do think it's perfect for two reasons. One, if you are a normal person, you see that and you go, this guy's a fucking murderer. And then you're out, boom. It tells people that you're fucking weird.

Yes. But secondly, if you did get what's a good score in the SATs, 1200? That's a pretty average score, really. That's like a really? Isn't that what you, isn't that the lowest you can get the past? If your English score on it was like 600, yeah. That's not, let's not dwell on it for too long. If you have passed the SAT, then you see this and you you're into it, you're gonna be really into it.

And that's how I felt about it. Well, let me just, I'll give you a little bit. So the very last picture in my gallery of pictures, the very bottom is a picture of a block of text, and it starts with slowly swivels around in chair. So you made it past the Edgar Allen Povid. This is everything. This is everything about you.

This is so mean. I think that I liked anime and curly-ray jumps in my bio, and that's all you really need to know about me. And that got me the where I need it to be. Precisely, exactly that. So this has been my strategy, is to go full comedy with you. We can all be born six, five, Mondo.

It makes it so easy. I know, we know that, Mondo. I've never had, here's the thing, take it back and also read RT comments. I've never made a joke before. It's just being six foot five. That's it. That's all it is.

That's a laughing every time. So as you can tell, if you want to make your profile more interesting, I would say, or Takapi Me, who's absolutely swimming in likes, you try and maybe try a bit, maybe try to be more comedy forward. Just say something about yourself. And what I like to say about myself is that I like to have fun. I'm a silly goose maybe try to be more, you know, comedy forward. Just say something about yourself. And what I like to say about myself is that, you know, I like to have fun.

I'm a silly goose. Silly goose. And there's, so one of the prompts on here though, is my best dad joke. That's, that's, and I had to, I have to think my friend Armando here who helped me with this bit, which I'm gonna play for you now.

So this is an audio joke. So like you can leave on hinge, you can leave little audio recordings. And so the prompt is my best dad joke, and this is my best dad joke, and I'm gonna play it through the mic right now. Every time I take my dog to the park, all the ducks try to bite him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! All right, you guys have been great. Thank you so much. Good night.

That's it. Hey, boss, you having a good night? Yeah, I just crushed this comedy club. Oh, really? Funny in-handsome. I thought this was a dayxing, not a full package delivery service. Thank you, Armando, so much for making that app. Help me make that. It's so silly. That's silly. That's the silly golden goose.

I can't deny who I am. That's me. That's it. It's so stupid. I love it. I love it every time. So when we were recording that, you were your hinge because here's the thing, everyone listening right now, you think that this is

like a bit that we came up with. That's on his actual dating profile. Yeah. No, that was played from my hinge profile. So if you're on hinge, set your set your destination to Austin, Texas, and then your age range to 35 to, I'm just looking at you here, 47. Ouch.

And then look for Andrew and you can hear it yourself. That was a real bit that we spent a lot of time doing. And then I relayed this information to a woman. Because I was like, hey, I gotta run something by you. If you see this, are you calling the cops? And she goes, no, no, no, if I heard that bit on somebody's hinge profile, I'm instantly liking that because- Oh yeah, that's a swipe right there.

That is a- Sure. I want to meet the person who has that level of commitment to the bit. Yeah. That's it, baby. That's it. That's what you gotta do. Commit.

So I think what we're coming to as an agreement here is just silly goose your way into it. Seize a silly goose. Fine. What you have to offer and then boost that up. If all you have is that you're tall, do that. If all you have is that you're a silly goose, do that. Yeah.

People love when you're funny and and people love self-confidence, and if all else fails, do a picture of you holding the fish. Because that gets you fucking away. That's a way. That do anything but that. Nope, that's our advice. Thank you for tuning into R.T.C. What?

There's a dog, a group picture, you don't say who you are, anything's better than a fish. Post a picture of yourself at either a, a kid rock concert or be the capital on J.E.R.S. That's how you get them when, baby. Thank you for tuning into RT Cares. And I hope that this helped you

in some small, insignificant way. What's your favorite segment? And now that we've helped you, we've got my personal favorite segment called Always On. If you've been watching the news and you know that everything is terrible all the time always. So what we've done is taken a few headlines and turned them into punchlines. Welcome to always on We have each looked at the news this week and come up with some absolute zingers

I love this segment so much because I love late-night shows I love like Stephen Colbert type shit Yeah, and I wanted to give it my own chance. So Andrew, why don't you kick us off? All right. Here we go domestic terrorist and Geico caveman prototype Ted Kaczynski was found dead in his prison cell this week under mysterious circumstances. While his cause of death is uncertain, one thing's for sure, he's the least evil person

ever to come out of Harvard University. He's a... Ha, ha, ha, fed up with the office work and had begun quiet quitting. One member of the Taliban was quoted as saying, how come we can't bomb people from home like the Americans do? Hold on folks, yeah, I'm getting a report now. A second job has just hit the link, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Contrary to musician Garth Brooks, as his new Nashville bar will be safe for trans people, and they'll serve every type of beer, including Bud Light. Honestly, I don't know why anyone that surprised he's an ally, he made the amazing pro trans anthem that girl is a cowboy way back in 2000.

Oh, that girl a cowboy. That's what all the eggs are saying right now. I want to be a cowboy baby. There's a line in the song where he's literally just like sometimes the best man's appointment or something like that. And I'm like, damn. Hell yeah, Garth Brooks. Yeah, fucking spitting. That's great. I'm gonna be real with you.

I was like only a month ago, did I find out that Garth Brooks wasn't the guy from Wayne's world. He's not? What? I thought it was like Garth. It was the, it's world. He's not? What? I thought it was like Garth. It was the... It's one of my producers just dropped Zed. If it makes you feel better, I don't know who either of these Garths are. I just thought that this was funny. It's true.

Oh, that's Rox Ollett. Okay. Here we go. Rit from International Headlines. A 76 year old woman who was declared dead at a hospital in Ecuador woke up during her wake and rushed to the hospital in critical condition. The doctors prescribed, leave the hers running.

C'mon. C'mon. C'mon. C'mon. C'mon. I feel like we're on the same wavelength. Find this a little bit similar, a little different. The CEO of Dip and Docks was arrested after trying

to strangle his girlfriend while in custody, he was quoted as saying, strangulation is the future of murder. You can do it anywhere, you can do it at the mall, zoos, laser tag or even. He can't even murder people in normal way. That's awesome. Oh God. The US Board of Geographic names has changed the name of a pecan organ, which used to be called Swastika Mountain. The peaks were originally

thought to have fled the Argentina, but was actually used by NASA scientists for a telescope in Operation Paper Lab. That, that mountains got white snow and blue ice. If you're looking for it, it's just 20 miles past Hitler Lake. Country music legend Willie Nelson recently had a newly discovered species of grasshopper named after him. When told about this, honor Nelson said, you had me at grass. I like it though. A new scientific study has revealed that sex works even better than most prescribed sleeping

pills. In related news, the World Health Organization has renamed Insomnia to Ain't Got No Bitches Disease. Okay. Doc, I can't sleep. Now, I'm going to prescribe you eight ropes and call me in the morning. There's some medical grade tissues. A former president, Donald Trump, is being arraigned for the first federal charges ever filed against the U.S. president.

And that's weird, because usually when presidents do terrible crimes, they just end up like painting or getting a Netflix deal. I want to be clear, we're talking about all of them. I don't care that Obama did the drone strikes. I want to hear clear. We're talking about all of them. I don't care that Obama did the drone strikes. I want to hear his summer playlist. Oh, this is my wedding mix of really droning or dancing. Oh, my God. And that's been always on phones. And we have been Armando, Andrew and Griff. Thank you for tuning in to the RT podcast. We'll see you next week.

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