Rooster Teeth Podcast - Guck a Sub - #790

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

How much guck could a sub get gucked if a gucked sub could guk subs? ..... This episode brought to you by Rooster Teeth First. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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await you for a limited time only at Alienware.com slash deals. That's Alienware.com slash deals. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing.

I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you're gonna be doing. I'm gonna be a little bit more excited to see what you pee at all during. We gotta miss your sister's wedding for this man. I can't believe you've never seen it. It's the RT podcast. Yeah, I would go from ranks to riches. Yes.

I am your host Armando Torres and joining me as always is. Andrew Rosas, hello. And? I'm Drew Saplan. Yeah. Deal with it. Suck it nerd. Suck it nerd. Why are you so mean? I'm just here and I'm mean. That's what, that's my shtick to that. I like it. It's a reunion of the most. Remember that show that we used to make? Yeah, Andrew and Drew show. It was really good during the pandemic. Andrew and Drew in Armando's show. Were you ever on it? No.

No. You were never even on it. You don't remember the episode? You were never on the most. No. Are you fucking serious right now? You were not on the most. Guys, stop down.

Are we really? Do you really? That episode that was so the most, we couldn't air it? What do we do on the most, Armando? How did the most? What was the structure of the most? Very simple show. I love that show. You've definitely seen a bunch of episodes of. Yep. I absolutely love Hey Siri. The most. Podcast. Fuck. Bitch. Looking up Donnie Most. Tens of downloads. I love- We had dozen of fans. Yeah. I love the most. I thought it was such a good show that you guys hosted.

As you guys said, too, during the pandemic, the pandemic, if you want it, if you're nasty, which was a show where Susan Hyatt and Robert... She would have become the most successful... Son of a bitch. A show where low battery 10% I Want to thank everyone for being here and hey if you like this show that we make and the most

Then you should go to the RT podcast comm slash first That's the best way to support us and help us do the stuff that we do. We get to make this show. And if you become a first member, you get a bunch of awesome rewards too, like exclusive Discord hangouts where you get to hang out with us and other hosts from your other favorite shows.

RTTV streams where you get to be the only people who comment. That's right. We're censoring people. If you don't have enough money, you're not allowed to talk. It's pay to play, baby. I was gonna say, if you donate enough,

we won't give you access to that. It actually costs more to not get access to us. We won't assault you with all these bed jokes and shit. Yeah. Oh, man. So go check that out. And also, because you're doing that, we're able to do a bunch of really cool things. We made that BlizzBear video. We're getting to do some more RTPs.

We have one that's coming out that we filmed this week that's Griff and I trying to open a ramen store in the office. That's how you know it's good, because you called it a ramen store. That's how you know it's good because you called it a ramen store. That's how you know you're getting quality product. Well, watch the video because we legally could not call it a restaurant. Right.

We ran into a few legal troubles. So god, an absolute blast. Go to the website domain that I can't remember that we bought. So anyway. The RT podcast. No, no, no. The one we bought for the ramen shop. Oh, right.

Oh my God. Yeah, it'll flash at the bottom of the screen and it'll probably have to be like multiple lines because it's so long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you missed it, then you weren't there. So anyway, vrtpodcast.com slash first, thank you so much for helping us out.

But now it's time for this show, a show that I like very much. Last week we talked about Valentine's Day stuff because it was about to be Valentine's Day. This week, obviously Valentine's Day has passed. And so I'm hoping that you asked your partner to be your Valentine. That's one of the things we talked about last week, by the way, is there's a new trend of people expecting you to ask them to be your Valentine again.

Andrew, why are you looking at me like that? Because you're married. of people expecting you to ask them to be your Valentine again? Andrew, why are you looking at me like that? Because you're married. I thought Andrew wanted me to get in there. Yeah, I thought he was trying to ask you. Of course I asked my fiance to be my Valentine. How'd you do it? I said, do you want to be my Valentine?

We were watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And I just asked. Do you want to be my Valentine? On the toilet. Through a door. Through a door. Hey, do you want to be my Valentine? We're on a toilet paper in here. That's it? You just asked? the toilet through a door? That's it you just asked you just ask a question what do you mean? What are you supposed to do you?

Do you have to do? No, it's Valentine's sky writing is my favorite one because it's the only way to be romantic where somebody might somebody else might die Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Also. Also. I don't feel like, in Skyriding you have to like wait? Like, I, L, O, oh, like, putting it together, I think I'm gonna put it together really fast. The other thing I love about Skyriding is that it is the only Valentine's Day gift you can give for somebody that everyone around you

can also take credit for if you're not specific enough. Or if you make your partner go inside before they spell it the name. Go take, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. I love you forever. Oh honey, that's so sweet. Yeah, okay, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Deep kiss carry inside. Yeah. I think it's very funny that you asked your partner to be your Valentine the way that like Old people asked each other to marry them or is like we were sitting there watching the tube and I just knew I wanted to Marry her so I asked her the question right then and there didn't have a ring didn't need one. We were both 16 Two years later we had seven children had seven children. Right. Doesn't make any sense.

After the war. Yeah. Yeah, did you ask your partner to be there Valentine? Oh, yeah. I talked about this last week. I asked my partner to be my Valentine with by making a playlist, which I do for them every year on Valentine's Day.

This year, I recorded the playlist Ontica set, which I wanted my partner to be able to play in their car because they said that they hated having to go to SoundCloud to listen to the DJ set. And so I put it on cassette and then found a cassette player with Bluetooth connectivity so that they could play the tape in their Bluetooth enabled car.

And Andrew and I had a conversation about this, how the bar is so low universally across the board in the dating landscape right now, that like, you can knock it, you can Babe Ruth that shit so easily. What are you just like being able to be above and beyond? Well, I've talked to a couple of women who have, or women who are not in relationships,

who in the last relationship they were in, like, let's just say like getting flowers would have been like tear inducingly generous. What happened? Like what has happened to the landscape? Scumbag dudes, like, dude, like, also like, this is how far flowers go. Flowers are essentially like equivalent to skywriting because the bar is so low.

Because like, my friends, my female friends have gone on dates where the dudes don't ask them a single question about themselves. Which is like so insane to me. Like, the thought of not going on a date with a woman and not asking her a question, doesn't, I can't even do the calculus for that. That doesn't even make sense to me. It's like, why are you there if not to learn something

about the person across from you? So like, so again, to teach you about Joe Rogan. Oh my God. Only questions I'm asking is, do you listen to JRE? Are you subscribed to JRE? And have you to JRE and have you seen good fellas? It's three hours long. You cannot be in the middle of it. Do you have alpha gorilla mindset? Yeah, exactly. Yeah bars ridiculously low also like underground. It's so low not just Well, I mean especially for men because we're pretty fucking awful. Just, just gross. Yeah, just GROSS.

Across the board. Most of us are pretty fucking disgusting and terrible. But even the other way of just like, I was telling somebody else that they were like, what do you love the most about your partner? I was like, did they love me? And they were like, bleak, my man. Bleak.

That's the only thing required. Jesus. That is the work requirement to be here. Yeah. That is the, thing required. Jesus. That is the work requirement to be here. That is the, yeah, exactly. Jesus. Oh my God. So, yeah, there's a whole new Valentine's Day meta that's going on. You got to ask your partner to be your Valentine. Check. You got to pretend like, you know, we're high schoolers and you're doing a promposal, which is what I think you said last week, which is very apt. Wait, did you do promposals?

Because I was too old for promposals. No, no, no. I was in like academic discipline for my first prom availability and I wasn't able to go. I wasn't allowed to go. You want to hear a sad fact about Drew Saplan? Sure. I went to six proms.

What? Is that a sad fact? That's a sad fact. Well, it becomes sad when you realize that it means that they had to go too early and too late. You want to hear an incriminating fact? This was last year. Yeah. Oh.

Like three proms, not sad. Like, oh, you went to your friend's prom, whatever. Sure. You went sophomore year, junior year, whatever. Six proms. I don't know what I was chasing, dog. I don't know what I was chasing dog I don't know what I was after like pussy like I guess I know I mean corsage pussy I think so if okay I'm in your shoes and I go and I'm in your rented yeah I'm in those

rented patent leather shoes that feel like walking just on lava, so painful those shoes, just arched, destroyingly bad. If I'm in your shoes and I go to if I get two prom, I'm going to two proms. I'm like, OK, let's let's fucking let's let's run it back. Let's see if I can get three. And then if I hit three, I'm just it's like, OK now. It's time to run up the score. Yeah now. It's time for me I guess I'm gonna fucking bulls hornets. I'm now I'm dropping 60 points on them I'm fucking Kobe and I'm looking at the record. I'm going I can do 80 prom. Yeah

I'm doing 80 prom. I'm doing 10 proms per year more than one Like okay, maybe you do coat check of your freshman year, but then you do like pick a prom go to that prom that's your prom. I that's it You shouldn't you don't need to mass prom. Did you go to six proms one per year? No, I did two Every year for three. Okay, so that makes it better sophomore junior senior. Yeah, yeah two year. Okay, okay, so Okay, this going to Six Proms also, you get divided pretty starkly down two lines in my mind. And Drew, I don't want to cast dispersions, I don't want to make a judgment on you.

Just do it, coward. But here it is. You either are, you go to Six Proms, you are an all-star fucking pussy getter. Or, or, or, or you're, man, what a nice guy a nice guy a nice safe guy to take to prom is not gonna try anything big go what a guy who's not gonna like put a move on me a fun guy to go to dinner with and like go to the dance yeah that's pretty great that your life in high school was either like either like he's

got the biggest dick I've ever seen or drew Drew, I'm pretty sure he's gay. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. He's my theater friend. Yeah, he's my theater friend who leads the church band. I'm going to be fine. Yeah, you are either putting wilt chamberlain numbers out or you are.

Or wilted chamberlain. Yeah. And brother, you know what? As a theater cinema kid who went to an arts high school, guess where I fell on that dichotomy? Yeah, as a theater kid who mostly worked house, I was selling tickets, guess where I fucking lived, dude? I was alone. I can't do that face. It doesn't involve for me. No, my first prom, I was on like academic probation or something, so I wasn't allowed to go. And then the second prom that I went to, I went to coach, I got invited to go to Coachella instead. And so I told my girlfriend at the time, I'm going to Coachella.

And she said, and I quote, oh. I'm going to Coachella. And she said, and I quote, oh. I'm going to Coachella. And she said, and I quote, oh. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead.

And she said, and I quote, oh. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead. And I said, I'm going to Coachella instead. And so I told my girlfriend at the time, I'm going to Coachella. And she said, and I quote, oh. I remember telling myself, well, it's fine. She said it was fine. She said it was fine. They can't lie. You can't, something can't be not fine if you say it's fine. So it turns out it wasn't fine and we don't date anymore.

Hey. Oh man. Which is fine. Which is fine and I'm saying it's fine and I mean it. No, it is great. One thing that I learned about Valentine's Day recently that I think both of you boys might enjoy very much. I found out that my partner, their stepmom,

for certain holidays will send care packages, including gift bags of goodies, candies, et cetera, to hand out to my partner's friends. And one of these is Valentine's Day. So effectively, my partner's stepmom is sending Valentine's Day gifts to my partner's friends. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm.

I mean, it makes, I understood what you said, it doesn't make sense. To do that, right? It's like a very, like fifth grade thing. Yeah, it's like take a candy basket to your friend. It's a very fifth grade thing. Does she mail them directly to these people? No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, thank you. So she mails them to your partner. To, a large box. So, a large box. And when I say a large box, I am going to show you guys the picture, but I'm not able to show it on the podcast for obvious reasons. Of course. Of course. The box with the hand on it. Holy fucking hell!

Is that your hand? No. Jesus Christ! The box with the hand on it. It's a huge fucking box. So in this giant box are a bunch of goodie bags asking people to be their Valentine. Again, my partner's stepmother's Valentine.

Sure. And the way that the way that this woman gets the names is just by remembering whatever names that my partner mentions over the year through conversations and stories. She must write them down. She writes them down every time a name is mentioned, but does not seem to make any delineation about the topic of conversation.

Sure. Okay, so that means now I have a goal. Now I just want to get on that list. Your partner step mom's Valentine's Day list Which is easy because my partner was telling me about it and being like I Haven't even fucking talked to Jessica all year the one time I brought up Jessica's cuz she was being kind of a bitch Yeah, exactly. I gotta go give her this skin. Yeah, my mom got you this. Yeah, I think I like yeah The sentence was that bitch Jessica stabbed

me in the back and the mom just went, dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee

dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee who they're talking about on their very short phone calls because it's a phone call with like a stepmom, right? Yeah. It's in, it's out, it's easy, you're done, you're gone. But also what a kind thing for a stepmom to do. Just like, oh, I'm in this person's life, here's some stuff. Here's some stuff. I love you and your people, here you go. Absolutely. I care. But because my name has not come up all of the time.

Did you not get a Valentine's Day gift? We're not sure if I've gotten a Valentine's Day gift. Because again, a lot of the conversations that they have are to talk about the problems. And so I am not sure that I have got one and I said that if I don't get one They're gonna demote me to minor league boyfriend, and I don't get to play in the majors No, here's that but the good news is the merch is so much better for minor league

The hats jerseys fucking rule they fit better They got cooler colorways Here's my pitch for something that we're going to start doing every single year. Every year on Valentine's Day, we are going to host a dinner and the only way to get an invite is to get stepmom's Valentine's Day gift. Oh, wow. That's awesome. So bring together all the people that your stepmom thinks are in your life for one dinner one exclusive dinner

Yeah, and what a weird eclectic group of people with nothing in common other than being mentioned in passing comfort What we have just invented is the first act of a murder mystery This is that is the only way this goes now you all have reason to kill me There's a reason my stepmother brought you here tonight. Oh, man. Wives out. Wives out is very good. Guys, that's why they pay me the medium books.

How hard do you think it would be to have a murder mystery dinner? Like how many like the logistics of just like building out like are you okay? Are you talking about like a game or like a real murder? Yeah, okay. Guys, hypothetically, how do you get rid of a body? If you were to kill a man and then invite your friends over and blame one of them. Who would you blame and why?

And how? Yeah. If you were to accidentally stab someone and watch the light leave your eyes in the last breath, catch the taillights under the criss-caught-a-moon. Pfft. Oh, sorry, sorry. How would you go about hanging out with your friends

after that? I have been to a murder mystery dinner before. Like one that was put on not professionally, but by friends. Actually, I don't think that they would mind me saying it. I went to Chris DeMaris's murder mystery dinner party. Who died? A random person that was... Did you just hire an actor to come in and die?

There was two hired actors. Neither one of them were the people that died The person that died was just one of Chris's partners friends who was there and was very bewildered that they basically Were not allowed to talk or hang out with anyone in the party after they had died Here's my favorite part because it sounds shitty, right? It sounds bad. About midway through, a new character was introduced to the party that came late, played by the murder victim, so that they could now take place in part of the party.

And they tried really hard to make themselves a red herring, but we all knew the person who showed up 20 minutes ago take place in part of the party. And they tried really hard to make themselves a red herring. But we all knew the person who showed up 20 minutes ago didn't do the murder. Didn't do the murder. That's so funny. It was bad. What?

God, I love that Chris lives inside. I think you should leave. Like he lives in. I feel like he just appeared from that world, from the mind of Tim Robinson. It just has exited that realm. It was a fun game with a lot of like really weird mechanics to it. One of the other parts of it is that it was like old timey Hollywood.

Sorry. Of course it was. One of the most tiresome aesthetics there is. Yeah. Just the most prom themed party. Oh my God. I'm Charlie Chaplin. You're Hitler. Oh man. I've got I've got a like a that fucking pasted on curl. I've got a cigarette and a long holder. I'm a flapper. Get the fuck out of here. One of the most garbage aesthetics there ever was murder mysteries are themed after the Roaring 20s

Old Hollywood or on a train The only places one could be murdered well because it has to be an excuse for people to stay there Right, so that's to be a place where people are essentially held captive Barely been invented just the 19 captive until the murderers all had barely been invented just the 1920s. No no no no no no somebody at this waffle house just got shot all of us have priors. We're not able to get We have to solve it before the cops come here because we're also all brown or gay Gonna take us all to go to jail. Yeah, oh My how many fights have you seen in a waffle house twice the victim's been capped

Boy I've seen two fights at a waffle house and One of them Was so bad that we got our food comped because doesn't happen yeah because it wasn't a foot one fight was exciting and fun and cool and it was two dudes like fighting it out and then the Waffle House employees went verbatim they went hey hey hey no that shit and then the two dudes went, and then sat back down at their respective tables and went back to eating. Which was just fucking awesome. Different tables, by the way. Did not come together.

We are, so weirdly related, Armando and I are both wearing shirts, heat shirts. The movie heat. Nobody told me it was a heat day. Do you have a heat shirt at home? Yes Oh, do you have a heat shirt? Yes. Of course I have a shirt at home. It's one of the best movies of all time. That's one of my absolute favorites. It's one of those. Never seen it. It's one of those pieces.

Shit. It's one of those movies that like if it just started or if it's like 30 minutes from the I watch the rest of it. You stand up. You stand. I mean, like, uh-huh. I'll stand for an hour inside a Best Buy and just watch the rest of the movie That's playing on the Magnolia like theater system test. Anyway, behind somebody's couch. I feel like there's a moment There's a moment in heat

There's a moment in heat where they're like after the after the heist the beginning heist They're sitting there and there's a guy at the diner. It's a diner related There's a guy at the diner who like looks up because they beat the shit out of wane grow and tom sighs more It's just like leans over and mean mugs the fuck out of the trucker that look that tom sighs more gets Or the look that time size more gives I have seen Every time I've been to a wall house. Yeah, someone has done like Like I'm not starting like not necessarily at me, but at someone in the waffle house that exact like I Do something bitch. I feel like in the parking lot of a waffle house

I've seen people hyping themselves up to get in a fight like in the car loud music Why is that the place to fight? Sanction play like Starbucks is a place where you like sell old appliances and shit in the bathroom for free Why waffle house is a place where you go to fuck someone up. Right. My partner had never been and I was like, do you want to go and say, oh, it's like an I hop, right? And I was like, no, it's not. It's a trillion times better.

Let's be very sure. Absolutely. And then we walk in and the two cooks, it's the one from the famous Waffle House fight. The two cooks are just wailing on each other. And then they stop and we sit down and have breakfast and it was just like, yeah just like, no other word spoke. I like that there is like an unspoken rule of the Waffle House of like, I don't know.

Okay, I'm gonna say this, understand that I know that it's not 100% true. I feel like I have seen less shootings at Waffle House than there should have been. Oh, 100, does that make sense? Yes. Like obviously people have gotten shot at Waffle House. Obviously people have gotten heated and pulled out guns,

but it is nice that it's not as much as it should be for how often there are fights there. How often people scrap. I think there is- You don't bring a gun to a Waffle House. Yes, it's just an un-spoken rule that in this moment in time, We're fucking duke it out This only fist no waffle house waffle house hockey rules. Yes

Get their shirt pulled up over their head you're allowed to until somebody hits the floor You're allowed to continue fighting. I love the fucking the cooks and the servers picking up their gear and then just like to continue fighting. I love the fucking the cooks and the servers picking up their gear and then just like moving everyone back so they have enough space. Holy shit. The second time I went to a waffle house and saw a fight, it wasn't as cool as that. It was like they really got into it. And then I think one guy started bleeding and then it was like so upsetting. It wasn't even a fun fight. It was like a fucking blowout, honestly. Should have been done in the f- Ref sort of stopped it early. But it was so upsetting to watch that they just comped our meal and told us we should go.

Which is very funny. I don't think it can be overstated how like, Waffle House is such- Waffle House should be government subsidized because they do such a public service for America's most hungover people. Waffle House has saved my life. I like believe that. Like as much as like, you know, as much, you know, as shit as I give it, I think like it truly like reached down into the darkness and pulled me out of maybe the worst hangovers I've ever had. I feel like very confident that that phrase, Waffle House has just saved my life,

is uttered at least five times a day. Every weekend, every weekend there are 10 people who are just like, Jesus Christ, this is exactly what I needed. It's said exactly like that, fucking head in hand, toast being used to sponge up against the wall. Jesus Christ, this fucking waffle has save my life. Oh my God. And then they look up and see the guys at the next table

and go, it's fucking off. Yeah, yeah. Load bearing hash browns. Those are structural hash browns too, the human soul. You can't make hash browns at home. This is the craziest shit. Like have you ever tried to make homemade hash browns? Yeah, they suck ass.

Suck ass. It's impossible. It's they are on two ends, where I've either absolutely burned the shit out of them, or they never get out of the soggy oil phase. I cannot figure out how to fucking do it. No idea. Only Waffle House knows.

Secret? Air fryer. I know that's like a pop. Shut the fuck up. I know that's in the room. I know that's in the room. I know it's in the room. But it's how you. Set a fucking appointment for Waffle House That's like a pop. I know that's in

Set a fucking appointment for Waffle House and invite true roses Gloves off No, just because I cuz I completely agree because usually you're getting them like frozen potatoes because you're not you're not Hand-mashing, but even if you do hand-mashing, they still blow like you can't grading the hand potato fucking sucks No, what are you grading a potato? Yeah, I'm grading do hand-mash them they still blow grating the hand potato fucking sucks. No, you're grating a potato Yeah, I'm great. No this hand-mashing Stupid bitch has got a fucking air fryer. We'll shut the fuck up about it I know it's very invoke, but it does do potatoes the best It's the best way to do potatoes. I'm sorry the other day invited me over to make me fries in the air fryer and go

They're fried it. Thanks. You believe it eating these like, yeah, man, I can't believe that. Yeah, they're good. They're fine. I mean, compared to oven baked, it doesn't it's not even a fucking contest. But I agree, even still in the air fryer, home hashbrowns, terrible. And I think I attribute this to three things. One, your I don't care how seasoned your cast iron skillet is, it is not as seasoned with decades of grease that a waffle house flat top is.

Absolutely, which is like key to holding like this seasoning. That, and I also, I think like the heat on that thing, like almost flash fries it on the griddle. So that moisture Out of there baby. It gets out of there and like I don't know why my home skillet that can get to like a Like if a flash point can get to like the make my skillet quite hot can't Seem to get the potatoes that crispy without burning them and also remove the moisture. I feel like the whole house full of smoke and then also just making everything smells like ashes.

I'm truly going around and removing every smoke detector because it's like this shit's gonna get real. I feel like it is my dream to own a diner, like a breakfast diner that, and this is, when I say dream, I mean like it's not reasonable. I mean like when I am- Pying the sky.

Uber rich. Yeah, like I have just absolutely made it. I want a diner that I own that I can just show up to and cook at for a while. You want Maddie Matheson's life. Yeah. Yeah, you want Rizzo's house of parm that he just rolls into and does whatever.

I want it to be like, yeah, we went to this waffle house on fucking Figaro and when I showed up like Armando Torres was cooking in there even if I'm not known I just wanted to be like who's this fat Mexican just coming in and owning the restaurant I just want my name on a menu that is my life beyond having a statue beyond like being commemorated you want the sapling I want this the sapling on menu. And I got close once. I got really close.

Oh, what was it? It was a pizza. It was a pizza with my friends in LA. When I lived in LA, we all got just blasted. And I was like, I'm going to order the pizzas. Excuse me, best thing you ever in your life. And it is a meatball, kadamala olive, feta pizza. Oh, and roasted garlic.

That's the other one. OK, OK. And they called it the slapping sapling. And they would call the pizza place and just order it. They were just called it the sapling slapping sapling and they would call the pizza place and just order it there's like we want to slap and sapling and the guy would know what it was and it was getting like some traction that some other people ordering it and it never happened so damn it America makes slapping sapling the pizza happened I don't care what is on it I call it that because if you order that pizza I'm gonna slap and the shit out of you okay, the fuck out of your dumb ass, you know sharpies exist right you can be on every

I want to ask you guys this now um if you Could have an food item named after you. What would it be? What would be your party sub? Party party sub party sub? Six foot party sub. Party sub. Okay. I think the funniest part about it is that if you call, if it is a six foot party sub, the implication is this guy came in here every fucking week.

He just ordered a party sub. He just ordered a party sub. I'll take a sapling please. And I watched him eat it in one go. Most harrowing shit I've ever seen in my life. The cooks were biting their hats in the back, looking over the fucking order up, where he was like, oh, oh.

Watching a guy eat like a duck, eat a six-in-party sub. Like a duck. Ducking that thing. Like a really gucka sub. The best way to eat the fucking sapling party sub is to fucking keep the road It's starving to death. I gotta go Every foot of the sandwich has two sets of meatballs and you're supposed to get it down to the pulse Guys, I'm afraid gucking a sub doesn't mean

Doesn't mean what you think if those No, you talking about? You fucking guck. I'm fucking fucking guck. I'm fucking guck. Well, my grinder profile. That's the name of the sandwich restaurant. That's like a guck of salt.

Grinder profile. profile Oh Oh God. Okay, all right. Okay. I hate... What's your answer? I think it would be really fun to have a menu item named after me that doesn't really have any description. Like, you go to a fancy restaurant, right? Like, you go to Oste de Yamotai in fucking Los Angeles, and there's a dish on there that's just called the Armando Torres.

And the description of the dish where everything else has the food listed, it's just like a dish often ordered by Armando Torres or something. And when you get it, it's like fucking gruel. Like, I was like, just the nastiest thing you could possibly imagine. It's the freaking,

He eats this, he eats it all the time. The chef comes out and hands you a fucking car payment bill for like $2,000 or something. It's fucking rough. It's awful. They boot your car. Yeah. Yeah. You order their monitor as your check engine light comes on.

Yeah. Oh, my god. So by the way, Tyler, guck a sub. That's what the title of the episode is called. Yeah, done. And I know, holducka sub, that's what the title of the episode is called. Yeah, done. And I know, hold on, let me do this for the thumbnail. Hold on, hold on, hold on, let me get an alt take for you.

Very good. We got it. Yeah, I, God. Give me the Armando Torres. I just gotta alert my credit score. We went dramatically lower. God damn. If I'm being honest with you, what I would really want is I would want it to be like,

if in a perfect world, I would want it to be like some form of pasta, right? Sure. But here's the problem about naming a food after a person. The easiest method to do it with is something that is baseline with different toppings. A sla- a slap in sapling, a pizza, super easy, because it's just like a variation of different things. Yeah. A sandwich.

Same thing. Also very easy. I would even say like a hot dog, a burger, all that shit. The things where it's like there's a base version of the thing and then there is the other thing of it. That's easy to name after. Pasta's a little hard because like any variation of pasta is just named after what that is.

Yeah, exactly. Like any food that exactly has like your standard, like the standard version. And then it's all toppings. It's deviant of. Yeah. The toppings define what the thing is called. The margarita has the like, you know, basil and the, uh-huh. It's not as funny as my face gave it away to me, but I thought it would be great if in my diner the one that I own in my dream there's a dish called the Armando Torres and it describes a burger and when you order it they bring me the burger Yeah, this is a... You order the Armando Torres it goes to him.

It goes to him. What did you think this was? It's like the pellets at the zoo. Just dumps him out in the McDonald's. to him. What did you think this was? It's like the pellets at the zoo. Dumps them out in the McDonald's. You really want to have a flat palm when you walk up to me because I bite. What's yours, Andrew? What's yours? Oh man, I mean again, I think the obvious answer is like a sandwich of some kind. Can I hit you with some? Hit me with it. I think it would be a variation of a breakfast taco. Oh. For you. For me? Yeah. Oh. Especially. Unfortunately too, because I do like your name.

I think you have a good name. But the rosis or the rosy, that's a good fucking name for a dish. The slap and sapling, also very good. For me, you gotta have like the terrifying Torres or something like it's got to sound mean the terror Torres Yeah, it's like a fucking bad toilet Torres. It'll make you shit yourself But the road is for alarm chill. Yeah, the Torres is a challenge food. Yeah, it's like the one shit 90 wings If you finish the Torres in under an hour, it's free. Yeah

If you finish the Torres in under an hour, it's free. Yeah If you finish the Torres under an hour you get your name on a plaque Yeah, it's called a tombstone because it will kill you What's crazy is that the Torres usually finishes itself in about two minutes anyway, so Rosas either is this I mean it would be a great sandwich But knowing you I feel like a breakfast taco is kind of the way to go. You know, you say that, and then I immediately went absolutely. What's on him? OK.

Stay with me on this. This is not. OK. We actually talked about this the other day. It is hash brown. It's a potato, chorizo, egg and cheese with a avocado tomatillo sauce on it. Now the potatoes aren't the diced season cubes.

I want hash brown potatoes. But like the frozen McDonald's kind of like the sticks. No, no, no, no. You're talking about waffle house. I want waffle house style like chopped hash brown. So tortilla. Yeah. The waffle house like flat like griddle. I want Waffle House style like chopped hash brown. So tortilla. Yeah The waffle house like flat like griddle then the eggs in the chorizo cheese

Fold it full that bad boy up. That's oh god. No beans. No beans. No cheese on the tortilla Cheese on the toppings. Oh, oh change tortilla cheese. Yeah, yeah yeah, and the hash browns glues it together because that cheese is gonna melt with the You can put cheese on top. This is my dream taco. Yeah, yeah Do you know that our plan is to open up a breakfast taco stop really? Wow Can't get in on that. Yeah need investors need somebody to name some menu items. Yeah We I'm sorry that I'm airing out our plans like this, but I mean it's fine. Our like plan, if like this content creation business doesn't work out, is to uh, we're gonna move to the Pacific Northwest and just open authentic Mexican food places. Oh yeah, you fucking crush it. There is no authentic Mexican food that far north.

Nope. There's one place in Portland that serves San Diego style Mexican food and I went there and I tried it and my friend was really excited for me to try the carne asada fries. This is when I was on tour and I had been gone from home for like three months. I was so excited for these fucking fries and then they sucked ass. And I said, ah, they're fucking bad. And they were like the host or the owners of the restaurant are from San Diego and I go, pfft, what part of San Diego? Did not know the owners were behind me, and they went, La Jolla?

Fuck off. I thought when you said the owners were from fucking San Diego, I thought they were gonna look like me. I didn't know they were gonna be named Brad and Jalice or some shit. Jalice. That's not right. It was like Alice or some shit.

But fucking wrong still. It's wrong still. Yeah, it's interesting though That is the plan by the way, we're gonna get out of here open up that taco spot But we're naming it after one of our grandmothers. Yeah, great can't be mine though Why not? My grandmother's name is Yolanda Yeah, that's that shit won't fly you can't do it if we name the restaurant Yolanda

It'll be covered in Selena pictures Yeah, exactly Yeah, that's just for and then a picture of Selena We have to have a taco called the Selena. Oh, yeah, exactly. No, I was gonna say the The problem is this is the only problem I foresee is like all my friends all the Texas expats that I know in Portland, which there are a few all Just absolutely Champing at the bit not even chomping. They're champing the correct word champing at the bit for Breakfast tacos up there. Oh, I mean anytime I'm in LA. I want a breakfast taco. But I think, I think that breakfast tacos

are like a Texas thing. I think most people everywhere don't know what they are. It's like bagels in New York are better because of the water. Like I feel like there's something about Texas breakfast tacos that are specific to this region that you can't replicate. I think that they're just like, they're you guys think,

is like, I love Mexican food. I grew up in Los Angeles. I then I moved to San Diego. We don't, we have like breakfast burritos, but like breakfast tacos are like a Texas thing. That's the other thing too with our restaurant is that it's going to be half like Texas style Mexican food and the other half like San Diego, LA, Baja California style Mexican food.

And we're, what did we say? We're going to call it the Texas-California Alliance, and then in parentheses, like from that movie of the Civil War that A24 put out, Next Line. Do you guys remember that movie, or at least the trailer, Next Line? That was a wild premise for a movie. Comma, Next Line. At least we know the Civil War happened between Donald Trump and the Swifties. Next line.

A Torres Rosas Joy. Very good. Yeah. And parentheses. Yeah, exactly. The truck is going to be huge. Yeah, massive truck. We have a trailer just for the name.

Right. It continues. It just continues. What's in there? Nothing. We just had to get another truck. Fucking name on it. But think it I think it'll work However, I think it would it's gonna require some convincing of like getting some some taste makers to come come through

I think you're also gonna have to import some ingredients. I think you're gonna bring My favorite taco place in Los Angeles, the tacos are good, I should specify, but there's like the burritos in Los Angeles that are my favorite that I would go to every single week when I live there, is from Sonoratown, where they import the ingredients from Sonora, Mexico every single week, I believe. And so like, if they're doing that in Los Angeles

We're for sure gonna have to do it in the Pacific Northwest, but I really think we can do it I think we can get the taste makers. I think we're cool enough I think we're young enough ish for now and also I've seen the other types of like hit places that they have The bar's not high. No donuts are not good. Who don't know fucking sucks breakfast bitch Have you been to breakfast bitch? No or biscuit bitch? It's one of the others It's got bitch in the title. We really like yeah It's just bird bird biscuit here, but with like a much more aggressive like right marketing strategy I don't know. It's it's not hard. I feel like we could do it

I think the thing that we do have going for us is that Portland is probably 50 times better food scene than Austin is. Austin really likes to think of itself as a food city. It's not. It's a real B-minus. That's one of your favorite hot takes. It's a real B-minus. Oh yeah, 100%.

What's the worst food city you've ever been to? Ooh. That claims it's a food city and is not. Vegas. Ooh, wow. Inspired choice a food city and is not Vegas Inspired choice. Yes 100% one million percent. I'm gonna go Denver Really? Denver is a food desert Nasty and everybody was like I love it. It's like you love man. No, it's awful. It's awful We got it. We got to get out of here and being told. Yeah, I will agree with you on Denver

However, I talked about this on one of the other podcasts that we just did. Colorado Springs, Colorado is the fast food mecca of the world. They have what a burger. They have In-N-Out. They have fucking Culver's, dude. They have Del Taco.

They have Red Robin. They have every fast food type place that you could imagine in the country They're just for some reason Colorado Springs, Colorado gets them all that's insane They get every regional chain somehow they have Jack in the box, but they also like culvers is huge the Midwest Oh, yeah, that's awesome. I saw a Sonic's Anyway, if you want to stop us from opening of They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it!

They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it!

They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it!

They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! They haven't done it! called Always On, where this week we'll have a special guest. And his name is Drew Sapland. It's still me. Yay! So let's head over there. I'm so sorry. And learn about what happened this past week. Time for Always On. Hey, you.

Mope cutie pie. Look at you. Listen into the RT podcast. Ooh, the sweet art. Thanks for tuning in. We love that so much, but now we have a word from our sponsor, Rooster Teeth. That's right, the company who made this show. We're advertising about ourselves on ourselves.

And if you don't want to hear this ad or any other ad, then I would suggest going to thertpodcast.com slash first. That way you can get a premium RSS feed that doesn't have ads like these or others And we love our advertisers. Don't get me wrong shady rays. Oh love them But if you pay us money you'll never have to fucking hear about them again, all right, I'm talking no fucking sunglasses no fucking sunglasses, no fucking therapy, no fucking sleep. Thanks, Helix.

If you go to theRTPodcast.com slash first. Now there's a lot of other benefits to becoming a first member too. Like you get Discord hangouts with us and some of the hosts of your other favorite programs. You also get exclusive live streams where you get to be in the chat having a blast with other first members. There's really fun content on first.

And yeah, there's so many other things. But if I know you, which I feel like I do, you want that premium RSS feed, the one without any of those bullshit ass ads on it. So go and get that, go get it. I love you, you look good today. Hey everybody, I don't know if you've been paying attention but the news is terrifying. So we took some headlines and turned them into punch lines for our weekly joke off.

Yes. Welcome to the circle joke. Andrew and I will be telling jokes and our guest, Drew Saplin, will be judging them as we joke off around him. He'll be gucking a sub right between us. Jesus, I hate when you do that with your mouth, by the way. You look like a fucking Wallace and grommet Chase chromate

Do not like that a laser accurate roast that makes me uncomfortable Smile You don't like my smile? Don't do that to me. Alright, so we're going to be telling Jeff... I want that to count as one of my... Yeah. Alright, I think this week we're going to have Andrew start us off. Yeah, let's do it.

Okay, folks, some news from Down Under. A toddler in Australia got stuck in a claw machine after crawling inside to get a toy. Rescue attempts failed when the local cops use their entire year's budget in quarters There's Whatever quarters what they have down there, I don't know fucking kangaroos Dollar he does Take that Australia

Parents in Montreal were furious last week after discovering that their children's art is being sold online by the teachers themselves In the teachers defense it could be a fully immersive history lesson on what it's like to be an artist colonized by the British You just steal it back 50 years later. It's fine rough rough folks. Okay It was Roman numeral fans favorite day of the year as Super Bowl L The IIII was held in Las Vegas and won by the Kansas City Chiefs Above the chiefs end Zone was the banner that said End Racism. Above the Chiefs End Zone. A similar banner that said End Global Warming could be seen on Taylor Swift's Private Jet.

We're not going to make it through the night. The Swifties are going to fucking storm the building. Okay, time for this one. The weather's transition from El Niño to La Niña is leaving some experts worried about 2024's crop production. And after checking with their woke niece, Fox News was quoted as saying, okay, so this is one transition we're for sure allowed to be upset about. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to boost his drug dealing business by handing out business cards with free samples of cocaine.

Well that's one way to give your business a bump. Listen, if you think this is a stupid business plan, you have never been on cocaine. Guys I want to open a bar. Guys it's airtight, we just gotta do this, we gotta do this, we're gonna make millions. You're the smartest guy I know, You're the smartest guy I know. Thanks. I'm uncademy. That's what I've l- Okay, alright. In Spain last week, 14 people were injured after a tree fell onto a roller coaster.

Luckily, there were no casualties as the group sitting where the tree struck had a vision of their grisly demise and exited right before the ride started. In celebration, they have been announced as guests of honor at the upcoming rebar lightly secured to the back of a truck parade. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The float of honor is, of course, a tree truck with rusty chains on it. Oh, they were riding on the Circular Saw Blade Float. Yeah.

Well, we're going to be starting in Times Square and then the edge of town, that's our final destination. So. Oh my God. Well, Drew, that was the Week in News. I'm sorry. That was the weekend jokes. Which was your favorite? Oh, which one? Which one tickled your funny bone? Honestly, the toddler claw machine one was the one that gave me the best like mental image of like trying to grab at this toddler. Just by the soft spot. It's like a font now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's a dangling baby.

Yeah. Oh. Oh. The dangling baby. Everybody do the dangling baby. It was. It was. It was.

The arcade was called Dingo's. I know. This claw machine ate my quarters. The kid was called Dingo's. I know. This claw machine ate my quarters. I wish I was fucking dead. All right. Oh, folks. All right.

Well, that's it. Do I win? I win. Congratulations to Andrew. We want to thank Drew Saplan for being on the show. I'm here. Thank you so much. And hey, we'll see you next week.

Bye. Bye, everybody. Bye-bye.