Rooster Teeth Podcast - Moving to the Volcano Splash Zone - #759

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Join Armando, Griff, Andrew and special guests Blizz & BK from Inside Gaming as they talk about dumb people moving to dangerous places, show off a brand new round of Phone Chicken staring our guests, and give you the best (but probably worst) advice for what to do when you win the lottery. This episode is sponsored by ShadyRays! Go to http://shadyrays.com and use code ROOSTERTEETH for 50% OFF 2 or more pairs of polarized sunglasses. Watch the full episode of the Rooster Teeth Podcast for Free! -https://roosterteeth.com/series/rt-podcast Already a FIRST Member and need your Private RSS feed for this show? Go here: http://bit.ly/FIRSTRSS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What would you do if you had the freedom to be anyone or to go anywhere without limitations? Start your journey and experience for yourself the feeling of total freedom when you game with Alienware. Alienware is your portal to new worlds where limits don't exist and the only rules are the ones you decide to make. Defy boundaries and start gaming now at Alienware.com. Next-gen gaming is built with Intel Core i9 processors. Next Gen Gaming is built with Intel Core i9 processors. This is a Risteteep production. Hello and welcome to the only show with the bench worn out in Arizona. It's the RT podcast.

I am one of your co-hosts, Armada Torres, and joining me as always is Andrew Roses. And the one in the hat. That doesn't work this time. Oh, shit, you're wearing a hat too. You're the camera. Oh, no, we'll do it again. We'll do a hat. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. All right. Welcome everybody to the only show that has a bench worn out in Arizona for unpaid parking tickets that I accumulated in 2011. I am Armando Torres. And joining me is Andrew Roses.

And my hat doesn't say NASA. That's right. It's a three-letter word that starts with C and also starts all of humanity. In Prometheus, that's what he drops in the beginning in the water. He just nutted it in the river. The architect's in the beginning. The architect, the architect is living in Prometheus. Yeah, the beginning of Prometheus is just a alien going, ugh, fuck. Just aiming a rope right for that little ribulant.

If people ask why we don't... Yeah, have you never seen Prometheus? Have you ever seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Prometheus? This is the real reason we don't put the full length episodes up on YouTube anymore. You got it. Oh, man, well, that guy sure put his full length up in our planet. All right. It has been such an interesting week.

We just got back from RTS. Oh, yeah. That was a blast. What a what a time. What a treat. I loved it. You know what I didn't love though? Was the fucking weather that we got. Yeah.

I've only ever visited Austin during RTX. I think once before and it was, um, I brought flannels and I brought a sweater and I brought pants. Yeah, it's a Texas in July. Yeah. Well, I'd never been here and all I knew about it sucking was it's the people in the laws. Yeah, but also the heat and the humidity. Oh my God. It has been so awful. We had an excessive heat warning last week. I don't think that I talked about this on the last episode that we did. I don't remember. It was so hot that I left my car in the parking lot of our office, and I had a can of Canada drives in Jareal in there that explode. Yeah, that'll happen. It unalived itself in your front seat. Yeah, you can't leave soda in your car here.

I didn't know. Yeah, it'll do that. I had a case of, you know the mini, like you can get the little mini cans of soda at the case of a root beer, like A&W root beers do that in my trunk. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I had, so apparently it can happen in a freezer or in a car in Texas. Which if it, if it, if it's, if it's any consolation, I now have agreed to stop leaving my child in the car while I go into the, the grocery store. You're like, I get it now. Oh, I had that bag of flour from middle school, explode in the back seat of my car,

and I left it in there. Oh, my child. I feel like RTX, I feel like the, I think maybe, do whoa, Andrew really took a full time. I think he just got what I was doing. Oh, yeah, just like my child. He's like, yeah, and just, I mean, but then I'm sorry, then I was thinking about, leaving a note on your. Yeah, and just admit, but then I'm sorry that I was thinking about leaving a note on

your window with like a six pack of soda in the front seat that says he's listening to his favorite music. The air conditioning is on. Don't worry. My soda is fine. I'll let you get to your point in a second. I do want to specify that what made this even worse is that happened, I think two days before RTX.

And then I left my car at my apartment in the hot, hot baking sun. And so a lot of the soda gunk is just the soda promifiest. You have a sticky interior. I have the world's stickyest interior. And one day you could paint. You get a candy cane. World's stickyest interior. It's my search history.

I'm born. You got a candy paint job on the inside, sticky on the inside. The worst part of it is that a day after it left these weird, like, yellow-ish brown stains on the roof of my car. And I've come back after about a week. Yeah. They have grown. They have grown and there are more of them,

which makes me believe that there are living organisms in the roof of my car now. You were biome now. They're learning languages. I mean, with the humidity that you've basically created life, how do you feel? Yeah. Well, that's the thing is like I left my window slightly cracked. No. So 100% just the humidity got in and then it baked it through. And I've realized now that we've come full circle because I am the promis piece that has come into my car.

And instead of sweet sweet ropes, it's the taste of candidate drugs in your ale. It's the stomach soothing taste of ginger ale. Also, fucking the name be damned because I actually interior my car. It's anything but dry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is hot, they can't take it, they can't handle it, but as soon as Saturday hit,

and not even like when the song rose, it was just like 6 a.m. 100 degrees, and it was just like, and this is what we're starting. Like I just, something about the heat on specifically Saturday and Sunday was so oppressive. Yes, it was so bad. And I was like, oh, I was like, at first I was like, I'm probably just like, run down from like doing the RTX thing, but I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no And I was like, oh, I was like, at first, I was like, I'm probably just like run down from like doing the RTX thing

But I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's a it's a we got two two days of relief and my body readjusted My body was like, oh, we're done with this cool. There comes so there there comes a time It would probably every time several times in your life where you will have to make a decision and come like RTX Time or festival time. You're gonna have to make this decision especially in the summer where you will have to make a decision and come remember like RTX time or festival time you're gonna have to make this decision especially in the summer where you will have to choose fashion over comfort where you're like because you were just talking about it's like man this fit is unbelievable I got some black jeans like a sweatshirt looks so good and you're like it's gonna I'm just gonna be a gross monster for an hour, but look, it's just both. I just didn't wear a shirt.

I literally, I just wore like a unbuttoned thing all weekend and like a linen pants. It was amazing. You looked like a mafia Don. Yeah, like on an Italian terrace. If you said I looked like I was in a jaw-roofy music video. Yeah. Which I, it's a reference I didn't get.

No, I trust him. I trust him. I trust him. I feel like the worst part about dressing like a cool summer boy because that is the thing is you can dress appropriately for the heat in a way that looks good. But you do end up looking like a mafia Don or in my case, a mafia goon. I don't look like the guy calling the shots.

I look like I should be saying, okay, boss. You look like he came out of the shadows. Yes, absolutely. I look like I've been planning this hit for two years and it's gone horribly wrong. In theaters this weekend. This guy has a favorite shovel. That's how you're...

You suck. I hated... I talked about this on the live episode that we recorded, but I've thought about it more and I've had this conversation with more people. The worst part of meeting all of these fucking influencers and these stupid content creators who live in beautiful Los Angeles, California is that LA has been unseasonably gloomy this year.

Yeah. It's been like 68 and 70. The June gloom. We were talking about that before you came in I said that I was physically fighting the urge to beat the ass of everyone that came in from LA Yeah, cuz I was like oh, it's been so cold in LA. It's been 72 degrees I was like I would take another man's life for that. Yeah, yeah So then go back to where you came from cool Cool. I'm going to choke sound you through a table. No, literally.

Yeah. Great. It's just like, oh, it's so refreshing. It's so hot here in Minwell. I'm just a puddle on the side of the road. I'm just like, oh, really? Is it refreshing? You find this refreshing?

Yeah. This is my lightest night. My culture's not a costume. No tourist bitch. We were talking to Casam and some of the people from Smosh. And they were like, yeah, yeah, you know, it's so nice to get something a little bit differently because it's been so cold.

And it was like, you like this weather? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, well, you wouldn't like it if you had to live here. And they were like, no, I really think that I could do it. And I was five seconds away from calling the CEO of our company and being like, well, then you're fucking tired. Can't put your tickets.

Can't put your tickets. Don't send them back. Don't fucking test me. I'll hire you. I'll start a new brand today. Break their leases. Can't start playing tickets. They're playing tickets. Welcome the newest members of Achievement Hunter. These fucks who thought that they could stand the heat. You know, they're all just sunburnt and sweating. Yeah. I'm sorry. What's our brand called? It's called, the doors are locked from the outside.

You're trapped. I think it would be a little bit easier if I understood anything about a fucking weather app. Cause I don't know about you guys, but I look at a weather app and it just, it's a bunch of numbers and sayings. And like sometimes it'll, it'll like today, if you go to the weather app, it just says excessive heat morning until 9 p.m. Yeah, and I'm like, how is that different

from every other day? Every other day and also kind of after 9 p.m. Yeah, because the thing I always talk about is I never experienced this all-move to Texas, is that like noon to two isn't the hottest point of the day. No, no, no, no. The hottest point of the day is like 6 p.m. It's yeah, it's, it's three to six.

It's the hottest part of the day. It's fucked up, it's with the soul messed up. Yeah. That's soul messed up. I've never, because I'm It's yeah, it's, it's three to six. It's the hottest part of the day. It's fucked up is with the Soul Mest up. Yeah. That's Soul Mest up. I've never, because I'm like, yeah, high noon should be the hottest. And then like, you know, one to two, like noon to two, it's gonna be really, no, three to six.

So I'm going down, put this getting closer. Yeah, yeah, getting stronger. It's getting stronger, it's getting more powerful. It does fuck me up tremendously, but it's like, the sun is still fully out at nine p.m. and it's like over 90 degrees here. It doesn't make any sense. I also, I don't, what I was more meant was less of the sun and more of like your stupid crazy rain. And I say, you're like, you're from here. I'm not even

I just say, I'm your Andrew. Yeah, he's the, he's the weirdo here. Yeah, you're the stupid Texas boy. You're the dumb pexon. People don't even understand how Texas Andrew is like Andrew Andrew Rosas owns guns. Yep. And will the red so defend his right to do so with through the scope of an ARC. Andrew Rosas. In the highest whiteest cowboy boots you've ever seen. Andrew Rosas' family owns a ranch. Did you like that? Your family owns a ranch. Yeah, they do. Yeah, it's like way out in the middle of fucking nowhere.

They grow ostriches. We grow them. Yeah, so we plant an ostrich. We plant an avocado. And then an ostrich actually. Yeah, yeah. Andrew Rosas, when he was a child, grew up in the Alamo. Did you know that?

Yeah, that is always remember where I was born. You're more remember now. So you've been here the longest out of all of us. Has it always been this like erratic? I feel like I can't think of a better way to describe it other than like the weather here acts like I do when I stop taking my medication. Uncredictable.

Uncredictable wild and incredibly wet for some reason. Because it will just decide to start raining. And when I say raining, that's like a nice way to put it. It feels like God, like fucking empty to bucket out. Hot water. Yeah. It's not even like a cold rain.

Yeah, hot rain. It's not rain. And then it hits the asphalt that's been like, that is like 150 degrees and it just steams. It turns, we all turn into broccoli. It gets fucking, yeah. It's like the worst sauna, it's like the worst possible sauna experience

because it just smells like piss. It's just piss and asphalt. Yeah, has it always been like this? This is interesting because the, like, you know, climate change is absolutely happening. Well, yeah, 100%. But here's the thing, what's been interesting is that like we have had

summer, I think we talked about this before, but we've had summers that have had like longer, hotter summers basically. So like May 1st to like August 1st. We've had years where every day between May 1st and August 1st has been over 100 degrees. Just like three solid months. This will start in like April. No, like the plus 100 days started later, but the atmosphere of heat dome that we have right now makes our, those were hotter, but those were consistently hotter, but drier summers. So we didn't feel this bad.

It's been muggy, right? We have an atmosphere of heat dome right now, which means we're tri, it's trapping all this moisture like really close to the surface So you go outside and it's it might say 101 but it feels like it feels like 120 like shoot the dome Guys I'm here. We pierce a bullet through it. Pinnitry is only one way to find out I saw this I saw this post on the right it and, and it was on the Texas subreddance guy.

I was like, I've always been like a climate change denier. I knew it was real, but I never thought it would affect me. And I was like, oh, so you're an asshole. And it's called being a huge piece of shit. Thank you, Jassel. Also, it's not going to affect you, but it's going to affect your kids. You didn't care. You were like, well, not my problem.

Well, my kids should pull themselves up by their rain boots. Yeah, it's like, hey, dog, you didn't think it was gonna affect you. You live on Earth, right? That was one of the things he was like, I always thought that he was like, I can't believe I see myself like possibly becoming a climate refugee. I thought that was reserved for people like, you know, in the sedan or the Maldives. And he was like, never like me a Texan in America. And it's was reserved for people like, you know, in the sedan or the Maldives. And he was like never like me a Texan in America.

And it's like, it's like that thing. We're like, you guys don't remember that one time. I think Trump was giving like a campaign speech. And he was talking about how he didn't understand that how him using hairspray and a building affects the ozone outside. Oh my God. That's what that feels like to me.

Where it's like, well, I'm in my bathroom with a door close. How does that make the sun go hotter? If God can't see me spraying my hair, he doesn't know to turn up the heat from her. I'm reading the Demon Haunted World by Carl Sagan, which is basically him. It's the book came out in 1995. That sounds like a real uplifting novel.

I was gonna say it sounds like the world's coolest anime. So you call it, so you said it was great by saying it. It's a great book, but it is a, it's just one man's like hair pulling plea to like humanity to stop being like peasant brain to be like, please, we have to stop being superstitious. We have to believe in science. It's the only thing that's gonna save us.

This is 95. No, but it's too late. It's fine. We're just gonna have to deal with whatever the consequences are. The thing is that like, provably, the only way to like turn it around is the corporate level of like pollution and... Yeah.

It's like, was it like 97%? Yeah, corporate. We as like regular plebeian human beings Almost have zero. I mean not zero effect do as much as you can but it's it's a drop in the fucking rising ocean comparatively to what everybody else is doing so what I say is Actually just lean into it by beachfront property like but when I say is actually just lean into it by beachfront property. Like, but when I say beachfront, I mean, like a mile away from the beach. And the way.

Oh, miles, oh, miles quite generous, mom though. I, it is so, it is so funny to me that like there is a huge Florida real estate boom happening right now. It's like there is so much development and so much property being bought in and around like right near like Everglades and the beaches. It I cannot strike.

I give anything I cannot stress enough. Those will be gone in 10 years. I can't get 10 years is very generous. And that's very generous. It's very generous. You would not believe the I don't want to call it stupidity. So I'll say the oversight of people that are excited to buy a home at an affordable price

and a place that is beautiful. I was just listening to my friend, Paige Wesley, of course, podcast. Tell me a story about how somebody in her family sells or sold real estate in Hawaii. I don't know if you've ever heard of beautiful Hawaii. And I'm afraid of them. or sold real estate in Hawaii. I don't know if you've ever heard of beautiful have I. Yeah. So in Hawaii, the property that is in what they would call the splash zone for. It's a very cute name for it. Yeah. It's a very cute name for every time with the tide rolls

back too far. It's gone. Not the tide. The volcano. Active volcanoes. I thought you were talking to Nanny. So I thought you were talking, I thought you were talking to, what? No, no, no. So yeah, I forgot, I forgot about volcanoes because like, you know, when you're a kid and you think volcanoes are going to be a big deal. Yeah. I've forgotten that they actually are real things that exist. They are a big deal and they're going to come back.

That's a thing is like, you're forgetting it now and then you forget that. Yeah. All of our tectonic plates and how the earth was formed in the first place. Yeah, or just that we have a massive volcano right in the middle of America. It's going to destroy everything eventually. Which one is that? Uh, the Caldera, the like the Yellowstone Caldera. It's like it's basically a giant pimple under under like like Western or sorry Eastern organ all the way to like the like through the Dakotas all the way to like fucking Michigan. Oh, that's so big. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's going to destroy the United States and the only man they can save us is Dwayne the Rock. That's right.

This summer. He's still some ice in it, right? That's right. Yeah. So the point is, is in this splash zone again for like a minute, maybe sludge area? Sure. Sure. Yeah, maybe like a like a lot. Is it, wait, what's, is it lava when it's underneath or outside? It's magma, it's magma when it's under the ground, it's lava when it's out. Okay. So maybe, yeah, we call it the lava area.

Yeah. Fucking tell the lava that it's different from magma. It'll still work the same. The point is that it was cheaper to buy the homes in the area where it would for sure be destroyed if these volcanoes were not here. Yeah, but if you buy that house, you're like, it's not me though. Well, people bought the house and then got really upset when their homes were destroyed by volcanoes and tried to like take up lawsuits against people and then all of the contracts. And there's like

also an extra thing where they have to like sit you down, look you in the eye and be like a volcano will eventually destroy your home. Yeah. Like not with them in this, all right? No, no, no, right now. Billy, the okay. Oh, all right? No, no, no right now. Billy, yeah, the no, okay. Oh, all right. All right. Well, that was easy to sell. Come on. Yeah. At the sense of fresh baked cookies.

No, it's sulfur. Yeah. We live near a volcano. Wait, hold on, that's not the horseman, is it? That's not the four of them. They're not bombing by. Oh, no, it's just these smoldering volcano near my home. Then I'm fine.

That's like someone fire up the bbachi. No, wait a word. There's so much of America that it just it should be unenhabitable. Like I think about I think that about like the entire state of Arizona. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. I should be there. I drove through Arizona driving through like tornado alley. tornado alley.

Maybe don't we shouldn't have people there. All of Arkansas. All of Arkansas for several reasons. Not for the weather of the train just because it fucking sucks shit Today's episodes brought to you by the Arkansas Board of Tourism Actually, it's Ohio visit Ohio mother fucker. I've seen those signs. Oh, yeah, I fucking love those signs What are you talking about? There's billboards all over Austin that are basically just like Rick kind kinda high.

You know where it's not? Oh, hi, oh. It's like, oh, keep Austin weird. You mean like high cost of living weird? You know why I am. And I'm like, okay, maybe. Are you tired of, are you tired of beautiful rivers? Check out the Allegheny where you can walk on it.

There's so much trash on it. Come to Iowa. Do you want the only thing you have to do to be college football related? Come to home. Wow. Jesus Christ. That's how you get Los Angeles people to move in.

That's how you get people from Austin to move in. No, but I just said, those are you get people from Austin real mad about it. Do we have tornadoes here? Yes. What? In Austin? Not in Austin, yes in Texas. We had a tornado two years ago get really close to it, destroyed a bank of America.

Yeah. So nothing of value was lost. There was a tornado like last year that was been flew reveal. Remember it like pass over 35. That's what that's the one. Sorry, it was last year and it passed over 35 and it like ripped an ATM out of the way that you know that we don't have tornadoes because everybody just kind of parked in various HB parking lots and just filmed it. Yeah, it's great. Everyone's like, what's that? Yeah, weird. Let me ask you something.

Tornado's earthquake, which one is worse? I've never been in an earthquake. So I know I've never. I've never been in a real earthquake. I think earthquake is better is worse. Because I think it's scary to get swallowed up by the've never been in the real earthquake. I think earthquake is better, is worse. Because I think it's scarier to get swallowed up by the earth and tossed in the air. I think this is one of the funniest things ever

is that like growing up with an earthquake, I mean, obviously like it's the evil you know. Sure, I guess, yeah. And for me, it's the evil I know. Yeah, it makes an earthquake makes so much sense. Like it's the earth shifting, the tectonic plates bashing up against each other, Dwayne the Rock Johnson rushing to save his daughter.

I think I've made that reference like five times. Probably in it's three movies. It could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be any of them. Him and the biracial girl. They're all different. I guarantee you go to a red box right now.

It's in there. It's in there. One of those is in the red box right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And when you try to rent it, the first thing the red box says is, this isn't a vending machine. We used to be this thing. The interim between Netflix and blockbuster. I grew up with earthquake so

much so that I would straight up fall asleep through most earthquakes or stay asleep through most earthquakes. Yeah. I the only time I've ever really noticed earthquakes in the past recent years when I was living in LA is when I couldn't sleep and I was up at like four in the morning and my house would shake and I would go, They happen often? Oh, they happen all the time. Like, did it happen there like how we get storms?

I think they happen, I think earthquakes happen technically on a daily basis. Well, let's fuck that up. Okay, and every time I fly, every time I go to the LA in the back of my head, I'm like, what if the big one happens while I'm here? Yeah, yeah. See, that's what I was working on.

What is it, what is it, the San Andreas fault? The one that's like overdue by like a hundred years? The San Andreas fault line is overdue and has been for quite some time, just like the Yellowstone volcano. Cool. Basically, the whole West Coast is ramping up for a fucking Coach Shela of natural disasters. Oh, cool. I love that. That's so cool and interesting and good and fun. It's actually what the Hollywood executives are trying to wait out for the writer's strike.

They're hoping they're hoping that that one comes. They're hoping that one comes, yeah, before they've reached the pay people living wages. A little way, yeah. There is an iconic highway that we had in California. That's just gone now. It's been swallowed up by the ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How?

I don't know if I'm being honest with you. It's one of those things where like my little tiny human brain, I'm like, it's a highway. How's it going? How is it going? That's the thing. Earthquakes are terrifying. They've terrified me since I was a kid. But then you just kind of get used to them

because you're around them all the time. They happen like damn near every day. The ones that you feel happen pretty frequently, but not like so much so like every couple of months really. Yeah, they're just a constant. They're a constant thing that you hear about. But then I hear about a tornado, which is like the scare. It's I think I think a tornado is scarier because it is a visual thing that I can see.

Yeah. Sure. They are big and scary and seeing one in the distance is horrifying. So I will yeah, because the big one, the big earthquake will kill everyone. Yeah. Like it's going to destroy us all. Yeah, but a regular tornado could also kill the same amount of and they just happen. Yeah, they just happen. Um, they not only do they just happen, but like occasionally they happen in groups, yeah, the same storm. So you'll see like video of like three tornadoes out of one single file.

Fucking shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Fucking roll deep with these. It's funny that you asked this question because my biggest fear as a child for like way too long, like probably until I was like in middle school was um you remember the movie Hercules? The Disney animated feature Hercules? The The Gospel Greek mythology hit series, or hit movie Hercules? Yeah. There's a scene where all of the titans get lost and they cause a bunch of natural disasters to happen all at once. So it's like a tornado that's filled with fire

and ice that is also causing earthquakes and storms, just like moving. And that was my biggest fear as a child. It's just like a super, just that happening. And I'm sure thinking, oh, you mean like a bunch of weather events and ones? No, that the Titans would be released from the underworld and come up and then cause several meteorological anomalies at once in a single place.

And I would be there and have to witness it. Every time the wind picked up she would go, it's happening. It's happening. I'd be like, I'd be like, dang, somebody took Hercules's strength and Megara is in Hades and Hades has one. Like, that was my, that was my religious like, but I was like my Bible beating. Yeah.

It's just the movie Hercules. The end is not. I do like the sound of a tornado covered in fire is what it feels like when I have acid reflux. When they do the halfway transparent view of your esophagus, it's like a tornado of fire. Yeah, have you heard of tornado? Have I heard a tornado?

No. It sounds like a train halting to a stop. That's what it sounds like a train trying to stop. Just like constant the screeching. Yes. I think the visual and audibleness of a tornado is what makes them so much scarier than earthquakes because like not only do you have what you're telling me, which is that it sounds like a train screeching on the tracks endlessly. But the tornado alarm that they have, have you heard how fucking awful and eerie and like, oh, it's, it's fucking, it's dressed in it. Like it is, it is air raid sirens.

It's an air raid siren. It's, it's fucking terrifying. It's the sound of being fucked. But not in the good way. Not in the good way. Not in the one that I listened to. Oh, no, that's my sex playlist. Whenever I got a lady back in my place,

let me put something on. Man. Oh. We should seek some cover. I'm going to see if I can fit in the basement. Get under my dome. Just want to come to my root cellar? Where?

Yeah, let's see. I'm beginning to have cellars in Texas because of all the bedrock. You're just fun. So, the bedrock? The bedrock. It's like rock underneath the dirt here. That's why no one has a basement.

That's why no one has a basement. This place is fucking stupid. Yeah, it's awful. Well, you guys, do you guys have their basements in California or do the earthquakes not allow that? We don't have basements in California, probably because of the earthquakes. And we had, we've had a couple of really awful earthquakes. One of the most famous ones is the one in Northridge, which I killed a bunch of people

and collapsed a bunch of buildings. And so that, I'm going to say this very clearly, that is not the funny part, okay? A word. I cannot say clear enough. I can't say that's not the funny part, what is? The funny part to me is that after that, they realized that we needed to change the way that California architecture was made

so that it could withstand earthquakes. So basically, every building in California has a foundation with shocks like a mountain bike. Yeah. Every building in California is a fucking BMX mountain bike that can fucking dance with the earth when it moves. Yeah. That's like that's like the stupid billionaire building that they built to sway.

Yeah. Because it's so tall that they're like, well, if we don't, they'll just cry. Yeah. It has to do that. So I've built it. I have that too. And they shocks built into you. Yeah. What's funnier is that like when you don't live in California,

you don't necessarily know this. Yeah, my apartment's built on 24. I'm going to hire. I've a night drive. My condo's got hydraulic sonnet. I hit the switches on my mother fucking town It's fucking fantastic I My my my my ex was from the Midwest and it never been through an earthquake before and didn't know that because our homes are basically just

Little writers that you live in yeah, but because our homes can legally compete in the X-Apes. She didn't know that they actually move more. And the movement that they are allowed to have is actually better because it means that your home isn't going to break apart and fucking collapse. You guys will have insulation. There's just like gacking the walls for extra like flexibility. Exactly. So everywhere is a terrible place to live.

The United States itself should not be lived in, I think. And God, I guess we're all moving to Ohio. See you there. Well, we have a fantastic show for y'all today. And we are going to start it off with our first segment, which is actually a bit of a throwback. Yeah. Before we started recording these episodes

and putting them out, we recorded several test episodes. Sort of to, it is a project. Yeah, a vibe check. A vibe check. Where we could show a proof of concept of the stuff that we were working on, see if it worked, incorporate elements like guests, etc. Yeah. And so, in our, I think this is our third or our fourth test episode that we recorded.

Yeah, I think it's the last or second episode. This is the third one. This is from our producer Tyler. This is our third test episode. We recorded the first ever phone chicken. Yes. With two competitors from Rooster Teeth, from our sister channel, Inside Gaming.

And so without any further ado, let's get into phone chicken. BELL RINGS Welcome to Phone Chicken. America's only game. Here we have the stars of IG. we have BK and Blizz. Y'all know how this game is played? You didn't tell me it was the Yakin' game.

Like, perfect. This is how it's played. You're gonna go one move for one inside each other's phones, just basically unfurling each other's digital lives. And the first person to get too nervous about what the other person might fight and call for their phone back loses. And the winner will get a prize.

Are you ready to play this game? What's the prize? I will put it all ready to play the stand? What's the prize? I will put it all on the table right now. What's the prize? It's very good. You'll love it. You'll love it. It's very good.

This is not what I sign up for. Okay, well, you have your phones right now. They're ready? Are you ready to go? Okay, now please trade phones right now. With him? Yes, please trade phones right now. Okay, BK, we need to talk first

before I hand you my phone. Here's what are we talking about? First of all, this is the scariest moment in the life of human life. Yeah, okay, so I, I watched porn on my phone. And I didn't think this would be the conversation of us. I saw my phone before. Where's the porn?

No. Okay, first of all, first of all, Blizz won the coin toss before the show that I did Where's the phone? No. Okay, first of all, first of all, Blizz won the coin toss before the show that I did privately behind the No One Saw. And so he will go first, and we'll say what he is doing inside the phone. So, Blizz, please make the first move.

How long do, is it timed or do I just make one move? No, you just, say where you get to make one move inside it. Wait, okay, so your, swiping doesn't count as a move, right? Swiping doesn't count as a move, you're opening things. You use your... You got a great taste in games, I played this light.

Okay, I am going to open... See, I'm at an advantage here. Yeah, because you did something that I don't know what you did. Yeah, so I use shortcuts on my phone, so all my icons are anime-wifes. Yeah. So you might not know which one's Instagram. In the whole discord. By the way, it's our photo.

Incredible op-sec. That is exactly how you keep your digital life pride. That's great, good. I'm opening your tumbler. Yes! I'm in tumbler. Yes. Now we're talking.

All right, here we go. Tumbler is open. All right. Tumbler is open. Okay. BK, please make a move tumbler is open this is this is escalated so quickly on not even Let's go

Okay, all right, you know what? Sir! Mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm fucking. Okay. I want to know. The princess is another asshole. You know what? I'm going to open your Twitter. Oh, spicy. I like it. I like the strategy. I'm doing this because I have a big thread here and there's some things I'd like to see.

That might live only in drafts. Okay. I'd like to see that might live only in drafts. Okay, Twitter is open. What? What? Why did I never, why was I never fearful of, why was I never fearful of the Twitter drafts until I realized that my Twitter drafts are like, Oh, yes, yes, okay, please.

It is now your turn to make a move. What are you doing inside this tumbler? Okay, so I'm gonna, I'm on your profile, but I want to double check something. Okay. To see how many, you have four side blogs. Beautiful, okay. Okay.

More on that later. BK, please make your move. I am. I am. Inside Twitter, you're inside Blizzard's Twitter. So there's a lot of things I can do here. You can, there's a lot of things you can do here. I mean, I said drafts, but the messages are right there.

You could also. I could also press that big plus button that allows me to tweet on your profile. Oh, did you tweet? I love to think about it, but I'm gonna turn. So what will the move be? You know what? I'm gonna check the drafts first.

My move is checking the drafts. Drafts are open, opening the drafts folder. Okay, I'm gonna figure out how to do that on mobile Because I don't know I do it because I'm trash. Okay. Okay. There it is have fun. Uh have fun Blaring out some stuff You can't you can't show you can't show everything Is that? Who is that? What are we talking about?

Is that just a meme? Yeah, it's someone who was having a very rough morning. Why is the Pythagorean so sexy? I have a Pythagorean so sexy. Oh, so on your mom, thank you for pegging me last night. It's so bad. These are really good, so you're good. I have a master's in baiting.

I don't know why these are draps. These are fucking fire. These should be out in the wild. And I can't have people know how horny I am. That is the America's worst kept secret. How horny are you talking about? Okay, so, okay. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm talking about okay so We can't fight willie from start new valve. Oh my god willie from start you value you like fisherman. I love fish would you fuck a fisherman?

Yeah, probably yeah of course. Yeah, those I mean those those those wait those wait If I'm not your cup of tea, don't swallow me. Someone will. Becasue, becasue phase, she's looked like she opened the arc of the covenant. Like it's like, I feel like I've gone around now. I feel like I said it. They don't stop.

They don't end. Now how many churros? Okay. From since like 2019. Please, please make your move inside that you are now. You're inside Tumblr. You're looking at these side. Yes. I am going to go. No, I'm going to go to your likes. Very good. Very good. We love to see it. And it's not it not bad like you there's there's a Tumblr account called rooster birds that I am aware of as well where they post a lot of Rt stuff, so it's very cute. Okay. Okay, so keep scrolling. Oh

Why are you giving him a road? Why do you dress as doctor disrespect? Okay, that's that's Okay Because someone else posted it Okay, that's that's Girl you need to get pegged I'm You were you were these are You you are looking for a dummy mommy You gotta get back that is what your situation is this is why this is why this is America's only game because we are learning very, very wonderful things about our friends.

Yeah, I think you found the hen tie. No, I didn't. Oh, oh, oh, man. Oh, I, oh, God. I might have to like move and change names. Like, I'm out of like start over. You're not getting in the heaven. I'm gonna be honest with you.

You're not getting in the heaven. What artist was it? That. I do not, this isn't bad. No, I mean, you're very early on on me reusing it. Like if you'd go back to prime, Tumblr me. Okay, let's just like, let's just, yeah, let's get a hard scroll.

That's the move, it's the hard scroll, Della. It's the same. It's, Andrew, Andrew, it is the same. I have never seen such, I mean, it's so fast, it's like animated. You're scrolling through it by so many mil giant milky titties. You want a dominant, you want a dominant big

titty girlfriend. You want someone you want someone to suffocate you with some giant animated. That's amazing all it is. Which like I respect like me too, but like damn. Who doesn't want to go out like that? That's how I want to leave this model.

I might have a time by. Damn. Okay. Yeah, you, yeah! Perfect. One more? All right, inside the Twitter drafts, you can, sir, you can, would you like to read one of his, one of his, uh, drafts? Did you get to submit one of my three apparently? Oh, it's so good.

You know what, I'll find, I don't know why you want your olive oil slutty, but, I'm tired of burying olive oil. I did agree to get an a little tattooed on my foot Fuck period Fuck You already agreed to it. Oh, yeah, this is it in post-it Oh, but this is a legally binding show anything said on this program must be followed through if I know what I Could do something better than this. I do you think so. Yeah, you think so. I agree. Okay, so I'm gonna subscribe to Twitter blue That's a hundred and fourteen dollars 99 cents a year

So can I press the button for a hundred $114 for a year of Twitter blue? There's two ways out. There's two ways out of this. Either you buy Twitter blue or you ask for your phone back. I... Yes, you buy Twitter blue or you ask her your phone back. I Prioritized rankings and conversation and search see approximately twice as many tweets between ads for your for you and following Timeline at bold and italic tests in your tweets post longer videos 10 and P all the existing blue features including including edit tweet, bookmark folders, and early access to more features.

And you'll be Elon's bestie. Well, I'll back out. Yes! I'll back out. Very good wise decision, very wise decision. Very wise decision. BKAs are winner. Everyone congratulate BK.

And your prize, thank you very much, is a track phone, a burner. This is what you all can use to keep much better off sec. Here we go, a track burner phone just for you. Oh, thank you. To do all your shady deals. Oh, it's preloaded with someone's calls. Thanks to Blues and BK for being on the show.

This has been ... ... ... ... So you've just been a little fucking stinker since the inception of the show, huh? Guys, Secret Stinker. I've always been a little rascal. I've always been a little, uh, no good nick. This was, uh, Remlin. What I really liked about this phone

chicken is that, um, it starts off like the phone chicken that Griffin I did, extraordinarily horny. Because you, I think both of these people thought like, Oh, I can embarrass this person with how horny they are. But neither of them has shame. Neither of them has any shame.

No, which is why we choose them. Yeah, exactly. And so they had to like shift it 100% and get into that. I also loved how topical it was because I think this was like a week after they announced Twitter blue as the new like, that's how you got a check mark and everything. It was like, yeah, I was right before the, the, the, the, the, the influx of a very important people. And nothing has been a greater indicator of absolute room temperature IQ than having a blue

check mark. These stupidest people on the fucking planet are on there with blue chest. It is so funny. It's so baffling. So most of I see from the top responses, like the blue check area, is when you're watching, you're watching a movie, and there's just one guy who just keeps talking

back to the screen. It's that guy, but now I'm being forced to hear him. Like I can, sure. And there's no usher I can call to take him out. No, I mean, I've known smarter dogs. Like truly. Yeah, but did you know dogs that were smarter and had eight-tellers in them? I don't think so.

I checked me at Liberals. Every one of these clowns is like, they use their last remaining eight dollars from selling their magic beans and getting blunt-forced trauma by a mule kick. Like, every single one of these fucking assholes, just the dumbest people on earth. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's block city, baby.

It's just block city. That's what I use it for. Yep. I just subscribed to it or blue. Yeah. I'm blocking it. I just did it. I gotta start posting videos of Gore under like some

innocuous channel name like crazy clip. You'll never believe. It's, and it's just the worst awful crimes against humanity you've ever seen. But you pay it to the. But you pay it to the post. I can post whatever I want. You can do long tweets. Is that one of the things? It's stupid. I don't know. Whatever. I'm on threads now. I refuse to go back to Twitter. Long tweets is a lot like long COVID in that. I hope I never get it. And every it seems to ruin every. But everyone that does have it. and it seems to ruin every day. But everyone that does have it,

it's ruined their lives. Yeah. Yeah, you're on Threads? Yeah. You're on what? Threads? Threads? Yeah.

Threads. Threads. That's what I like to call it. No. I'm sending threats. I'm no longer tweeting. I'm just sending threats. Well, if you want to threats,

you should talk shit publicly about people with blue check marks. That's what we do it. Oriolun Musque, I found out. Yeah, turns out she's great. It's, yeah, I got on threads too, because it seemed like the thing that all the cool kids were doing.

And I was on there for a little bit. And then it does the stupidest fucking thing on Earth, which is all the people I follow aren't in your feed. Yeah, the feed is nothing but a Twitter thing, but immediately. But immediately, that is dog but immediately that is don't shit I now don't use it. I will say the first day. It was all my friends I saw a cruise tweet. Yeah, threads. I saw a cruise threads

Yeah, in case you're wondering and you're like me and you live under a fucking rock that was put there by a tornado Threads is Instagram's and and metaverse at large, their answer to Twitter. Because Twitter has been going downhill ever since Elon Musk bought it. People have been complaining. They've implemented a few things where my favorite new thing is they limit how many tweets you can see. Yeah, it's like, was it 600 a day? Yeah, but they pay for it. But that is no longer the cover story for the website DDoSing itself. Like the website was crashing because only like eight people

in a janitor work over at fucking Twitter HQ right now. So that was their like cover story for why like you could only see 100 tweets. It's because their website was killing itself. And that is now no longer the case. This is completely walked that back and said, oh no, we took your feedback into consideration. And now we're not doing anymore. A fun non-moral. I saw a thing where it was basically Twitter is like gearing up to Sue Metta for stealing like trade secrets and like they're like in for

Predatory hiring practices and I was like is it predatory hiring practices or did you fire 90% of your staff and they just got hired elsewhere. It's a hundred percent that also to take it back for a second. I Love the idea of using a flaws a feature And I'm going to start implementing that when I have people at my home. It's like, it's not that my house is dirty. It's just that if you're not subscribed to our Mundo's house plus, you can only access these certain rules. That fucking rocks. Yeah. Oh my God. You could use anything that you have as an issue as a feature of your fucking smartness. Absolutely. No, again, like because the only thing that's left for our economy is rent seeking behavior,

you have to monetize, you have to create problems to monetize the solutions to them. So yeah, you have to, like, have a shitty apartment and charge people a premium to access the clean version of your apartment. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So that, okay, well fair enough, thank you

for putting me in my place. That was not necessarily an exact feature. But there are a lot of things that have been going wrong with Twitter, people have been complaining. The changes are making people upset. And also the fact that like the fact still does remain that there was a DDoS attack on the site. And so. Or were people just trying to use it? No, not. Was it a DDoS attacker? Was it trying to be used normal? Was everyone logging on to talk about barben hyper? Uh, and so, uh, threads is the metaverse, uh, solution, so to speak for that. And I fucking, I, I don't know how you guys feel about social media in general.

I fucking hate it. I hate it. And every time a new app pops up. It blows me out. I download it and I sign up for my account name and then that is it. I don't like I remember hive. Yeah. The last time I was happy, right? Remember what? Oh, bite. No, it was. I mean, this was like four years ago. It was like kind of a vine clone, but- Oh yeah! Yeah, it was like, it was like, it was like,

vine clone, so it was like five second video based stuff, which RIP vine, what a great, what a great time that was for everybody. I feel bad for all the social media managers. We have to have a panic attack every time one of these apps drops. Yeah. Oh God, we gotta get the, we gotta get the user name. We have the cylinder user name. What the tics off, we gotta get it just in case, like every time something of these apps drops. Yeah. Oh, God, we gotta get the user name. We gotta still in the user name.

What the tics off, we gotta get it just in case. Like every time something comes out, they have to immediately make an account just in case. Oh, and then they're all. And learn how to use it. Our marketing team is like, what is this new app and how do we get a gold check mark on it? One of my favorite, I say, are really quickly digress,

but it's just so funny to me. One of my favorite things about Vine is are really quickly digress, but it's just so funny to me. One of my favorite things about Vine is that it gave us Vine stars who got really popular making, no question really funny five second videos, and then they put all those people in fucking sitcoms, writers rooms, and they burned out because they had no fucking juice there.

It's like, you are really good on one platform, and could not carry that over to a longer format. Okay, guys, I got my scripts and they just like break open a fortune cookie and it says I do a backflip. I do. That backflip though, okay, we need, that's okay, that's three seconds. We need 22 minutes of show. Okay, I love thinking about these old apps that came and went like Hive that we had for a fucking day. If you guys remember Ask FM. Yeah.

Oh god. Ask FM came out in my junior year of high school and it like reinvented bullying. Yeah. It was so fun. Yeah. Same thing with Yic-Yic. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. I miss Yic-Yic-Yic.

But that's bullying in college. Yeah. It was bullying on the college campus taking it to the streets I was all people looking to get their dick sucked and then like to call Mrs. Flindersen third period math class game All it was yep. I I maintain that if hive had actually had more than six people working there and actual like decent servers It would have taken over because it was. And I still have hype on there.

I don't check it anymore, but it had all the best features of Twitter, all the best features of Instagram rolled into one. Very clean, very nice looking. Like when it wasn't flooded with users, well working platform. And yeah, and then the second Twitter like second Twitter, like, got bought, I would say Elon bought Twitter, it got just absolutely inundated with people and basically

shut down for two weeks. They were like, uh, a partner dust were like trying to like, you know, reinforce our servers and get more space and like to accommodate all these new users. Yeah. And when you got a boom town, you can't put shop closed up sign up or people fucking leave. And that's exactly what fucking happened. That is one of the worst parts about the internet is the need for something right now. And I say that as like, we make content, right?

Which means- Some people say that. We make content. We make stuff to look at to distract you from your mortality, of course. That's awesome. That's awesome. But then in it, we're like, you know, you're going to fucking die.

I know that there's a fucking volcano in the middle of the United States. It's going to take you and your family out back and fucking put you in the splash. Yeah, we make content. And it's one of those things where like you have to constantly be doing this. Like this is a couple days removed out from RTX. And I'm also I want to say like I'm super stoked to be here. Our crew is happy to be here. Of course, absolutely.

They are not never mind. No, we're all excited to be here. We love making this stuff. It's really fun. But like you can't ever take a fucking day off. You can't stop for one second. No, the machine has to keep in the fed. Keep going.

The other day I watched and I hate this for several reasons, such as our producer off screen leaving this mortal coil. I hate this story for several reasons that you're going to hate me for it too. I was watching the feature film Focus starring Margot Robbie and Will Smith. It's about them basically. It's like 21 and wanted, but for stealing, he's like the perfect. Oh yeah, cool. Yeah. So you were on a plane recently. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Same thing. And I found clip one of 502 on TikTok, and I watched it on TikTok. I watched an entire movie just scrolling through the different parts on TikTok. Squat-Taz is gonna fucking kill you.

And my favorite part about it was when you go to the comments, eventually after like part 40 something. The guy like took a break and stopped uploading stuff, and people were like, I want you fucking dead! A 14 hour break is insane! How dare you, like the comments were like, meme and like, how dare you stop uploading this movie that just belonged to you? I'm pretty sure this movie is free on prime.

I've not looked it up, but I would wager that it is. 100%. I love that the movie focus, a movie that came out, X number of years ago, who cares? Came out a number of years ago, was the only thing propping up this man's sanity, like the ability to get it instantly through TikTok, not horizontally, vertically. To see a widescreen movie vertically on a phone 14 hours without getting the second half of it like split this man's sanity in twain. I think it shows that the internet has created a place where you can't even

pirate on a bad schedule. No, no. Otherwise, people will leave you and do what I did and go rent focus God, Amazon. But you never gonna click on that profile again. That's the hellscape that we live in making this podcast. Yeah, and you know what helps prop us up so we can continuously make the content that we have to turn out ads. So let's go and hear it from our sponsors. Wow. Yeah. Yes, that's the answer to the arts and podcasts.

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Now, that is ad copy, which means that we have to say it. We signed a contract, but now I'm going a step beyond and telling you the truth. I think Shady Rays are better than most expensive pairs of glasses I've ever owned. Oh, without question, absolutely. These things are fantastic. I live a rough and tumble lifestyle. No, I tend to take care of my things, but some things like sunglasses that you carry with you all the time that are with you, that are in and out of your car, in and out

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You guys ready to give some advice? Let's give some advice. Let's give some advice. Let's ruin some lives. Now we'll improve some lives. I have always wanted to take advice from somebody wearing those sunglasses. And now you can't. Well, at least from someone that owns those sunglasses,

um, okay, here's the question. My whole office has started playing the lottery and we've gotten pretty close. It's got me thinking, what should I do and buy if I actually do in the lottery? Oh, okay. Well, short and sweet. Short and sweet, that was it.

Yeah, great question. I love a short, sweet question. Yeah. What, so first of all, if your office one's the lottery, count on a, like, Joker audition style, cracked pool queue fight over the money. And who gets it? I also count as like say you're say the jackpot is 20 million, you're taking four million

home. The rest is going to taxes. Great. He's going to Uncle Sam got it by those cluster munitions for a war across the world. Anyway, yeah. So come on to being a lot less money than you think. Yeah. And you're splitting it with a bunch of people in your office. So your take homes probably 250 grand.

Uh, I say, uh, put that, put that as a down payment on a house. Yeah. You don't even have to buy a house for that. No, you just be able to put a down payment on one. So that's my short sweet I'm out. Okay. First of all, first of all, this is the worst timeline. 200 and something million or whatever, right? Your take home is probably going to be like,

I think it is maybe 50% of that. Sure. So it's still like a hundred million, right? How many people do we say they have in their office? Like, let's say 10. 10 people, a hundred million, that's still, what, 10 million per person? If they're playing the powerball jackpot, I was thinking like Texas lottery, which is like six million dollar jackpots. Okay. Well, let's say, let's say powerball. Let's say we're playing in California, aka state that matters. Then yeah, you're taking each of you has taken home maybe like 10 million dollars. Even less than that. Honestly, if you gave me a million dollars, it would change my life forever.

Forever. The amount of time between giving me a million dollars and me taking a shit on my boss's desk is maybe, no, the time it takes me to walk there. That's the kind of difference. There would be an Armandaship smoke cloud where he was and then a spinning chair and a shit on the desk. Yeah. You would hear, meet me as poop came out of me

onto the desk. And here's the worst part. I like my boss. But it's what I get. It's what has to be done to ensure that I live the rich lifestyle forever. Just salute. The money changes. The money changes.

I love it. It just makes you different. The just like the money instantly changing. You would be so. Just it just affects you so core like instantly poisons you. I don't know man. If I if I won the lottery, first of all, I'm gonna give you a little little tip that I've just been thinking about since I heard this question. Go out by your own lottery ticket. One number. Fucking the prices right these assholes. And just take the whole thing. I think that

would be so funny if you guys bought it as an office and then you as an individual. Want it on your cup, then? That would be perfect. Um, first of all, I think it's, uh, you're supposed to always take like, not the lump sum settlement, right? You're supposed to take the like, the one where they pay you out over time. No, I think the the move is you take the lump sum settle, you take the lump sum because you can take that big chunk of change and put it on a high yield savings account and basically like live off the interest, which is exactly what I would do. That's what I would do. Interesting. Yeah. Interesting. Because that interest, like the lump sum payment interest off of a high yield savings account would almost probably be your monthly doll out if you took the allotted, like, settle,

the allotted amount. Also, interest rates are insane right now. It's like my, my, my four percent. Mine's at 4.5% right now. Insane. It's crazy. Yeah. I would, let's say I get, what do we max max it out? We're calling it 10 million 10 million 10 million

10 million new lottery tickets Fucking wish for more wishes as guy over here. You pay the shit Million more lottery tickets and the thing is, is like, what's the odds that I'm gonna win something again? I mean, pretty good. Pretty good. I mean, I'll take those odds. I would buy a roll of scratch off tickets.

100%. I would be like, with whatever the $20 roll, I'd be like, give me the whole roll. And you still have so much money left over, but then you also have an activity to do. Yeah, I would, the fuck, yeah, with the rest of your time when you're not working, you're scratching out.

You and the Mexican grandma's can hang out. Yeah, doing the scratchy-lots. Can I tell you guys the one time that I, when I was like, a man, I think I turned 15 and my Mexican aunt, my dear, she bought me a scratcher ticket for my birthday, of course. Because that's what they all do. So she did. And I won, I think like $500 off the scratcher ticket.

And then she, or we realized I could not go cash it in because I was underage. A child, yeah. So she took it and cashed it in and then gave me $100 and it basically said, well, I bought this ticket for you. So it's kind of my ticket. That she should have taken the dollar back. Yeah.

And you can have your dollar. But that's what I'm saying is like, she was her insinuation was like, I bought this ticket. So and you're not even old enough to play. So it was just sort of like a fun thing. I thought this ticket, so, and you're not even old enough to play. So it was just sort of like a fun thing. You shouldn't have even gotten anything, so you should be happy with $100. So she paid you an experience and she basically said, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have even gotten this much.

You're right. I took an internship in winning the lottery. And it did not end with a big position. It's to the fact. And man, if I won, that bad. Man, if I'm one. That is so fucking cold. I'm sorry, like that. I would be, that would be something that haunted me to this day.

I'd be like, I got, I got totally butt fucked. Yeah. And a fucking scratch off what? God damn it. The first thing I would do if I won the lottery, hire a hitman. I'm gonna be sure. Take your ear, tell me.

Yeah, I'm buying a roll of scratch offs and a fucking hitman to kill my angst. What's the like, oh man, I feel like if I won the lottery, I don't know how to do investments right. I get that you guys are right, put them in a bank account, put it in an IRA or portfolio or something. I feel like I have hood bank investment ideas where you guys are like, you need to re-advice to my brain went, hmm, hmm, you're right. Chick-fil-A franchise. Absolutely. I was gonna say, I was gonna say,

Polio Regio. Just get a fucking chicken car bomb place. I'm opening up my own Chick-fil-A and I'm making a gay. I'm making a gay-st-A you've ever been to. By the way, they're all gay. Yeah. You were telling me this, and all Chick-fil-As are run by twinks. Yes, I've never been to a Chick-fil-A drive-through, and it wasn't like just some twink or some drive-through.

The most beautiful otter I've ever seen, working the drive-through, I'm like, my God! It's just every single time. It's because the gays know they pay good. They pay the most out of all the fast food. Well because the gaze know they pay. They pay like the most out of like all the fast food. Well, when I was in high school, they paid the most out of all the fast food places. So I think they still might. And honestly, what what what's sweeter for

Ben Fruit than getting your ds in the walk. I feel like so. I don't know. I'm sorry to go on a tangent so early into this segment. But yeah, I'm sorry to go into a tangent, but I feel like I was never, I didn't go to Chick-fil-A when I was a kid. I don't know if that's because we didn't have them, but I knew that when we did have them, the news came out that they were like super anti-gay. And all of me and all of my friends,

we were like, we're not gonna go to them. My mother was like, we're not gonna go there. Everyone in my family was like, we're not gonna go there. The aunt that bought me the scratcher was like, yeah, I thought I'm off tricking like, now. I feel like as a queer person that will you eat at Chick-fil-A is a more accurate litmus test than the Am I gay quiz?

Because gay people fucking love Chick-fil-A. So that's... No one eats more Chick-fil-A than gay people. That was when I was working towards, is that I was basically hanging out with a lot of my friends who are gay because I have gay friends. Sure.

No, I was hanging out with my friends who are gay and they were like, we're gonna go to Chick-fil-A and I was like, but you can't, but you can't, um, Jerry, I hate to be the one to tell this to you, but Chick-fil-A has some opinions about Cawk and it's not just that they should be used for sandwiches. And yeah, we basically, I got taken to a chick full. I got this is so fucked up, but I basically use it like I got my see pass my

seats and my see feel back. Well, like I was gifted to where they're like, no, it's cool. You can say it around us that you go to chick. You can eat it around those. You can you can be a waffle fries around us. Yeah, they had never been there before. I, um, I'd grown up eating like Popeye's and shit, and, uh, somebody once explained to me the difference is that Popeye's makes food like, uh, you're going to your friend's house and his like overweight grandma's cooking for you.

Yeah. And then Chick-fil-A is like, I read this recipe on the internet, but I think your cholesterol's a little high. I'm gonna make it for you all nice. I mean, like Pope the internet, but I think your cholesterol's a little high. I'm going to get for you all nice. I mean, like Popeye is like, first of all, I've never seen in ad for Chick-fil-A. I don't know. They just got word of mouth marketing, I guess, and it's all bad press. So I don't know how they, they make some thriving survive. But Chick-fil-A, I think of Popeye as I'm like, well, there's that one

campaign, years long campaign about the Popeboy sandwiches. And then there's that one really nice black lady that's selling all the commercials and they love that chicken for Popeyes. Like, that's all I think about. So like they have the better, they have the better, um, um, marketing, but the locations are not, um, the locations are not, I do, if maybe they spent less money on the marketing, the restaurants would be friendly. Every Popeyes, no matter what time of day you go to, they treat you like they're about to close. Yes, I didn't know. I didn't know.

Every Popeyes and the reason for this, is it's not just Popeyes. It's a phenomenon that you experience when you go to restaurants that are what? Say it with me. In the hood. In the hood. It's a Popeyes. It's a phenomenon that you experience when you go to restaurants that are what? Say it with me. In the hood. It's a Popeyes, if it's a church, if it's a a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a about to go smoke this fat, blown, real quick. It's so funny. There's a Popeye is near the office that I went to one time when the chicken sandwich came out

with my old boss, Tim. And we go, it's the middle of the day lunchtime. Line around the door, line down the block. And it's not because of the sandwich. It's because they still drugs at that Popeye something window and everyone knows and no one cares So if you're like I want it is like well we can go that that one There's one like four miles further that way, but we'll be able to get food. Yeah Do need an eight ball. I also need yeah, I was hoping to get some crack with my fucking chicken sandwich

I need to get I need to get a wink sweet tea Then a sugar on the bottom Some bugger sugar. I there are two things that I love the most about Popeyes and it makes sense You know what it extends past Popeyes again. It's any restaurant in the hood You don't necessarily order food like you would at a regular restaurant No, it happens at a pop-up. It happens at a waffle house You go to a denny's or a fucking chick-fil-a you order what you order you get exactly what you order ordering in the hood is like Wishing for Christmas presents

Where you you go? I want a chicken sandwich and they give you something in the bowl Yeah, they give you like a pee they give give you a three piece dark with a biscuit. No honey. No honey. No honey and your drink is incorrect. You're like, can I get a strawberry fanta and then you just get it to yellow? You're like, well, I guess it's, I hope it's lemonade. I, I shit you not, I shit you not every time I go to a papa. Anytime I go to a restaurant in the hood, I ordered two meals.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not even that hungry, but I'm ordered two meals because between the two, it's going to be, I'm going to get the thing I order. I was like, okay, well, I'll take the biscuit that I needed from this one. I put it in this one and the fries and now I got my thing. Great. On Saturday at RTX, we were all like really fucking hungry. We were all talking about what food we were going to get. And Blizz goes, I'm going to door dash some Popeyes.

And we all went like, oh, well, you're not going to get what you ordered. And he goes, what are you talking about? And it's like, Popeyes won't give you what you ordered when you're there in the drive. And if you tell them that they're wrong, they'll fucking take the apron off. Like, there's no way you're going to get what you ordered through a

door. And he went, no, no, no, no, no, I'm going to the nice one. I'm going to and I told him the, the, the heart breaking truth, which is that Popeyes are all in the hood. You might think that you're going to a Popeyes in a nice neighborhood, but you know how an embassy is on like foreign soil technical. Yeah, all Popeyes exists in the moment you cross the threshold. It

doesn't work. You are now in the you are now in the dam hood. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We're here. It doesn't matter. I don't know where our wires got like that. I, it's like, okay, it's like you literally, you go like, cause you're the thing, you know, but you say that. If you order directly from the Popeyes, I don't know what you're gonna do. I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know,

I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm gonna say,'s like, okay, it's like you literally, you go, like, cause you're just thinking, no, but you say that, if you order directly from the Popeyes app, which you think is the correct way to do it, it's not.

There is no correct way to order Popeyes. If you do it through the Popeyes app, they just send it to door dash and then you cannot communicate with your dasher until they get to your door. The Popeyes app is just by the way, tweeting at Popeyes. I'm hungry.

I'm a little pleased. And then an hour later, you get a bag with the driest biscuit you'll ever eat in two fucking eight balls of cocaine. And again, none of that honey, none of that wet, wet watery honey. I haven't gotten a honey package since like 2016. I'm not sure they exist. No, they don't.

I guess what we're trying to say is if you win the lottery, buy a pop-up, buy a yes, and sell drugs down the fucking point. And I thank you. I hope this helps. Oh my God. And now we're gonna take it out to my favorite segment of every week.

It's time for Always On. Hey, if you've been paying attention to the news, you know that everything sucks. So we took some headlines and turned them into punchlines and my favorite segment, always on. Woo! Woo! Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. So we're doing this a little bit differently than we have in the past.

We're doing what we're calling the Circle joke. No, the joke off. The joke off? Because I've seen the center roll you guys joke off around me. Oh god. So Andrew and I are going to be going head to head with jokes that we wrote. I don't know if you're like me, but this morning. And the show, yeah, yeah. And yeah, so let's start us off. A California farmer tricked investors out of nine million dollars, telling them that he'd turned cow manure into green energy. And honestly, is anybody surprised? I mean, the plan was literally bullshit. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- hasn't been this bad since I tweeted something negative about BTS and Taylor Swift. These are jokes I've never done that, please.

That's really funny, but if you don't fucking shut up about K-pop, I'll kill you. A new AI-powered robot is being developed to take care of the elderly in old folks homes. And honestly, it's perfect because not only can it diagnose its patients faster, and it'll spread less disease But it's much harder to tell it to move back to where You have to pay extra for it to be Puerto Rican Stop the mannequin and you have to upgrade to white just like in real life Granddad's super racist gonna see a uprising I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize.

Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize.

Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize.

Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, I can realize. Oh, rumbers coming. Oh, that was so... Unexplainable, they're in the will. Oh, the U.S. has destroyed the last of its chemical weapons stockpile, ending military practice in place since World War I. President Biden said, today I am proud to announce that the United States has safely destroyed

the final munition in that stockpile, bringing us one step closer to a world free of the horrors of chemical weapons. Thrill that the news were the horrors of every other type of weapon. It's very good. Oh my gosh. Two corpse flowers are set to open up in the U.S. The rare plants are known for their unpredictable blooming pattern and their god-awful stench when they finally do open. But honestly, if you wanted to come see something smelly

that rarely goes outside, you should have been at RTX, man. Oh, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. No, I, uh, thank you so much for coming to RTX. I respect every one of you. And I really love how many of you made, uh, use of the always open, deodorant panel that we have. Honestly, best falling con have been to in recent years. Actually, yes, truly, truly, and shocking and how hot it was that out was the case.

Absolutely. So this part's not a joke. You all smelled absolutely faint. And I smelled every single person at the convention. In recent news, former podcast host, Andrew Rose, is fired for smelling every single person at the convention center. The skeleton of an ancient fossilized predator is going on auction at Sotheby's this month. So for only $6 million, you could own the bones

of Bill Cosby. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! So the groans I hear from the control room. Oh!

Just, oh! Oh! Oh my God! That's very solid. I mean, they're either doing that or taking over as president of the United States. You're so... All right, Griff, you've heard our jokes.

I have. Who had your favorite joke of the night? That Cosby joke is really... I agree. I'm gonna give it to the old folks over the... Yeah! Sorry. I'm sorry, I gotta give the motto for the thing'm sorry. I'm sorry. I gotta give them a

window for that. Yeah. That's that. That absolutely took me out. Yeah. I do love it, but it is destroying the economy for Latino people. Thank you so much for joining us. I have been Armando. I've been Andrew. I've been here. We'll see you next week. Bye everybody. Bye-bye. Describe the show to a newcomer in a more familiar way. Do you like apples? Alright, example. Together in Trempit hosts...

Characombs. Characombs are free of Diaz of nothing to do with this podcast. Analyze various unsolved and rooster teeth's cryptic podcast, f*** face. Call to action. Feel free to add something show premise specific, but short. Listen to show name on Apple Spotify or wherever you get podcasts. It's f*** face, a podcast.

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