Rooster Teeth Podcast - The Mystery of the Super Flush - #753

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

Join Armando Torres, Drew Saplin, Griff, and Andrew Rosas as they talk about the super flush rumor, awkward puberty moments, our magician phase, dating bums, and more!  Sponsored by BetterHelp, Helix Sleep, and RTX -This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp — go to http://betterhelp.com/rooster to get 10% off your first month. -Go to http://helixsleep.com/rooster to get 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. -Go to http://rtxaustin.com to buy your badge! Already FIRST Member and need your Private RSS feed for this show? Go here: http://bit.ly/FIRSTRSS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's time to put your pedal to the metal. From the twisted minds behind Deadpool and Zombieland, an executive producers, Will Arnett and Anthony Mackie comes the new Peacock original series, Twisted Metal, a high-oxane action comedy based on the classic video game series. Anthony Mackie stars as John Doe, a motor-mouthed outsider who must deliver a mysterious package across a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

If he can survive the drive, also starring Stephanie Beatriz, Samoa Joe, Nev Campbell, Will Arnett, and Thomas Hayden Church, twisted metal, streaming now, only only on peacock. Oh, my God. Oh! Oh! I'm Drew Sapplin. I'm Andrew. I'm Griff. I'm Armando. And I'm Drew Sapplin. Did I do that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, great.

It does fucking up. So I was going to ask Port 3. I don't like starting things. What? I wanted to specify to everyone technically, I am filling in for Gus this week. But you're Deva. Yeah, but the three of us are managed by Drew Saplin right our boss. Hello, who

demanded that he be in the boss's chair for the set. That's correct. I right before the show started It wasn't about you having a good or bad side Armando. No, it was about you being our boss. I'm the boss By God, I'm sitting in that chair put me in that chair And then you went. I don't know what to do with my hands 30 seconds for us started Here's the thing. I don't know that I can do or not. I don't think I can fire any of you. I might be your boss, but like I don't think I have the power to be like, you mean in that case, you buy, you buy, like it doesn't. In that case, yeah. Yeah. I'm going out so we can kill some ads on this one. I think

most of my job is just to look at your calendars and go, yeah, okay. Yeah, you could probably do that. Yeah, that's it. That's like 90% of my job. We can say, when you say, uh, you don't know if you could fire a steamy because we've become such good friends. No, not emotionally. I could fire you without without. Wow.

Without remorse. You wouldn't care. I got ice water in my goddamn van. I could fire you anytime, but don't know if it actually stick. So to fill you guys in, and I promise, this isn't what the whole episode's gonna be about, but I just thought it was interesting, because the four of us work all in the same department,

we were working ProDeb, which is sort of a- Behind the scenes, like behind the scenes, people. Yeah, we're like a cult that rolls things in the shadows. The internal rooster teeth cult. Yeah, we have a... We're the Illuminati of... A little bit. Kind of.

Every so often, yeah. Yeah, we did that. We may have trucked up. Well, you guys may have trucked up and then I came in and ruined it. And then somehow got a fucking credit out of it. You came in and said, I got bits. And then somehow got a story producer credit. Well, so the full story is that I did so many bits

that you, the director of trucked up, told me, if you do any more bits, this is gonna become the Armando show. A phrase that my mom used to say to me, it's a child. She used to say is going to become the Armando show. A phrase that my mom used to say to me as a child. She used to say, this isn't the Armando show fucking stop. And so in order to quell my church me, this is not the Armando show. It's even worse because that's exactly how she said it and she's my white mom. She said, hell out of everyone.

And so in order to make me stop, you were like, we'll give you a writer's credit. And then that turned into a story producer credits. That's because it's like, if you start making stories for other people, because right now you're only making stories for yourself, making stories for other folks, I'll give you a little, a little sum sum and then that way everybody benefits from your creative. Love up your IMDb. And then it was good. yeah it was good show I I enjoyed it a lot and now we're all here together we're also like now a little

pick behind the curtain pre-recording this episode so yeah and it's nine in the morning it's nine in the morning and I was on this podcast set less than 24 hours oh my god yeah I was in that chair. And I was in that chair. Not 12 hours. Yeah, I was in told. Was it? Yeah. I don't know. Like, it was like literally told. Yeah. And we are a horneous episode of all time. That's what I was the thing about our department and everybody except for me, the horne is the bunch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is hard to manage with that amount of like hey great

They're talking about sex again. I want to apologize formally to the podcast please do can we punch in? Can we punch in? Hey guys, I'm so sorry that Not yesterday last week last week's episode was so horny. He got off the rails. I got away from us It's not gonna happen again. I promise. That is a promise. You absolutely can you punch in on me? Yeah, can you punch in a come? No I promise you absolutely can you punch you on me? Yeah, can you punch on come? No! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Can you punch it on me?

Robes or tropes? Woo! Oh no! So anyway, um, yeah, I think it's like, so we, you know, Griff hosting and then it like pans over and it's blizzed. It's like, well, it's over. It's your old over. It's not.

Well, if people click out for one of two reasons at that point, yeah, it's like, hey, listen, if you can make it pass the griff blizz of fucking gauntlet, then you're good. Right. You're watching the whole act. That's the completion rate of 100%. Which also blizz has, too, by the way. That man has never not finished.

Bravo. Yeah, we're getting dangerously close to repeating history here. So I'll let it go. Well, pull out of that fucking nose dive. Drew will never pull out. Drew had a theory that he told me of why we've gotten so horny. You want to share it? Or you want me to?

No, go ahead, go ahead, share it. Because I don't remember. I have a short-term memory loss. So as soon as I say things, I forget them. and so horny. You want to share it or you want me to? No, go ahead, go ahead, share it. Okay. Because I don't remember, I have a short-term memory loss. So as soon as I say things, I forget them. Yeah. The reason is because Andrew has decided to put himself back out on the market. Oh, yeah. It means that you opened up the floodgates.

Yeah. Because it was like balanced where it was like Armando and Kayla always talking about horny shit, but then you decided to like turn on the, you started to warm up the engine. I was living a pretty monastic existence. You didn't see people for three years. Like, deservedly so, you should be getting back out there. I'm just saying, now is a collective. I'm in charge of the horneous department at Rooster Team.

And we all know what cool. Great. We all know what gymnastic means. The most fantastic. Yeah. I come on this thing, we're a little bit more fantastic. I was living a gymnastic existence. Yeah. I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm crying. Crying. Crying. Just like clapping your hands so much. So much chalk. So much chalk.

Yeah. How's it been going? The gymnastics existence. Fantastic. I've almost got a running roundoff bag handspring backflip. Nice. Yeah. Almost got that down to a science.

You're going to go goal this year. I think I'm, you know, I think I'm, I think I'm qualifying. I think I'm qualifying and for the Olympics this year and It's this is an important one the one that happens this year the summer one. Yeah summer game Is it actually it's isn't happening like this year? No, it's 2023. It's over 40. Yeah I thought that I thought you were zero or four so why am I seeing so much skateboarding on my timeline? What? What? What? Kayla, what happened? Why are you six?

I saw the skateboarding with like announcers and like it was like a bunch of like, and I was like, oh, it's gotta be like the summer Olympics happening right now, because while so they be seeing sports on my timeline. Skateboarding. They put it in this year. It's an Olympic.

Yeah, that's why I thought I was getting it. Yeah, oh my God. It was on the last time, too. Yeah, it's why I thought I was oh my god It's been around for a little bit Nike SB made a really cool. Oh, yeah, but about it That's all I can't wait to see like the Nike SB shoes are fucking awesome. I almost bought the kit if the kit wasn't $500. I would fully bought it. It looks so sick I can't to see fucking like I Don't know Little kids from like Cuba Just fucking go in the

role. That's what's been on my timeline. It's just been like, this girl is 13 year old. This is like a little 13 year old Japanese girl. She fucking rips. And this is a little girl from Australia. She also fucking. Yeah, it's like they take the jit like who used to do gymnastics. And they make it. And they make them skateboard. They're just bustin' like 10-80s. It's in dude. It's it's I' like 10, 80s in a few now. It's in dude, I've never felt like so proud of a generation because they're just like, these kids are fucking ripping.

Like it's awesome. Fucking ripping and dipping. Yeah. It's because you watch them and it's like, oh, they look weightless. It's because they virtually crawl. They're crazy. Yeah.

You're like, okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, your bones are like not even solid yet. Yeah, when I was a 13-year girl, it was probably like 70 pounds, 75 pounds. Yeah, just doing fucking indie nose bones and shit. I just love the idea of somebody being like, no, these cargo shorts are regulation. No, but literally.

There's this one girl, I was like, she's got one regulation dickies, those are all wide pants. It's a wide leg. It's a wide like, for sure. Why in short, I've always, I've always loved the idea of like, because they don't put every sport that exists into the Olympics. Yeah. Cause some of them wouldn't be fair. Like, I've always wondered, like, what would Olympic football look like? Like America, like Olympic basketball. So it's like, why

would they not have? Basketballs. Every word played that's football. Yeah sure yeah football is a is a very American Sports yeah, we just decimate yeah, yeah, we breed people for football literally like I can't imagine like It would be like it'd be like how we can't make good soccer players, but also there's a Olympic rugby So it's like it's really just every sport it's a different But a little bit cricket like it's every sport, but football. Football player would obliterate a rugby team. Here, ooh, I don't know.

I don't know, because you see, one on one, not a team. Okay, one on one maybe, but I would put it to you that a rugby team would out crazy the football team. And I mean, in terms of pure, psychotic human endurance. Oh, yeah. They would destroy their own body in order to, it goes rugby soccer. Like that's the level of intensity, I feel.

I think you mean rugby, football, football. That's football football. Yeah, football. I just, every time I've seen a game of rugby, it's like, oh, those men, someone is getting quelled off. I'm like, fucking gurney. Can I explain to you? Can I explain to you my thought process every time I see a rugby clip?

Because they do pop up, I go, oh, oh, oh, shit, fuck yeah. I don't understand this. What happened? What's going on? I need to do good. I just like, I like to cry whenever they do the hawk at the beginning because it's really I love that. I love it. I love it. I love it. I think that I don't know I get what you're saying about rugby players Just being like endurance is how and just like really fucking able to power through rowdy I just mean that football players are masters. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If we're talking about mass hitting mass, that's what I mean. The football player would obliterate

a right to run. Oh, from like, from like a physics and force. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Chris does W. Track. And you just ran them at each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The rugby player would be a fine miss. Right. Yeah. But I, but I also believe that like rugby is an excuse for guys to drink. Because it is the most drinking, it is the most drinking a sport of all time. Like it's like, we need to do something

before going to a bar. That's what we do. What should we do? That's what we say. That's what we say. When I watch clips of rugby, every single clip looks like somebody just fucking chugged the beer and went, watch this.

Yeah. Yeah On my fucking logger my favorite member of the rugby team is the twink they throw whatever that yeah the the cheerleader They're always huge and they have like one twink that they just launch into the air. That's my favorite rugby person. I, uh, you were a player with me. No, I played, I played football. You're kidding. Yeah. Right.

When you're, when you're like, you're like, they are the coach. Yeah, they come, they come, they come, they come. So just put on a bib and a fork and knife and I was like, that's what I was gonna say is like, when I was a kid, kid, for the most part, I was never like, I never felt like sexualized or weirded out or like creeped on or anything for the most part.

But I do remember the first time I walked into by eighth grade history teacher's class, who was the high school football coach. And I walked in and he was like, ee-e-e-, oh, you would look good in some pants, baby. It's again, not a crud. He was just like, I want you to hit another man. Yeah.

Dude, there was this guy I went to high school with. His name was Fred, he was on football team. Of course. This dude was so big he couldn't, his thighs couldn't fit in the desk. When we were in like 10th grade, like his,

his, his games were so, this man had to, because you know, like the, the desk that connect to the chair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He had to sit like one leg kind of like this and the other way. He had his side saddle. Side saddle. That dude was so huge. And there's this other guy Garrett who had like, he looked 40 when we were in high school.

Dude, what are like that so we'd grab him with the beard is? Like, yeah, yeah. He but yeah, he had like, he had like, male pattern baldness in his shave his head. And he had like, he had like, an almish beard. In like, 11th, 10th, 11th grade. It was crazy. That's not make fun of people who can grow beard and not a mustache, but.

No, he had a mustache. I love that you're saying all of the most fucking football playing S-Dames I've ever heard. Yeah, there was Frank, there was Garrett. My friend Dylan. Yeah, Jesus, man. But Connor, Connor lacks. I remember, so that was kind of like the sign

of the football players when you had to request special desk, which was a desk in a chair to tap. It's great, right? Because if you were me, my knees were too tall. And I couldn't, like you've seen me sit down. Like even now, I can't, I can't sit down normally. Go up. We can't do booths.

Yeah, we can't. We can't sit at booths at restaurants. When you would do that, there was a kid though that, we call them scoby. Well, actually we call them scoby because his last name was scoby. And they issued him a long boarded bird. Yeah.

Scooby was Armando into stereotype high. He's not. Here's the thing. His last name was scoby. We called him scubi. He asked us to call him scubi. He was our like golden ticket football player, where we like oh when he's on the field we're fucking winning He was so fucking strong and big and hit what are these the traps?

Yeah, his traps were so big that he physically could not move his head anymore So one of the best One of the best things that we would do to the new players, the freshman players, we would go like go tap on his shoulder and then try to stay behind. So we couldn't see. Because he would do that. But the trick was when you tapped him on the shoulder and broke your finger. Right. And then he straps for so tough. Wow. Imagine being so buff that you become a hazing rich woman. Yeah, that's so funny. Our dude for that, his name was Camdici. I think he went to the NFL.

Yeah, I, uh, our school built our entire, my entire senior year was built around that guy. So the point that we defunded our, our department so that we could fund football more. And then when we got the state championship, the principal fucked off. That's all he wanted. He wanted to get the title so he could like go super intended or some championship, the principal fucked off. That's all he wanted. He wanted to get the title so he could go super intended

or some shit and he just fucked off. I like the idea that it's super saying. He went super intended. Also, the word for it about it was like, oh, his social climbing levels are, that's him! It's super intended. Was that like, he deep-funded all of the arts programs

to boost the football program? But part of that was, we had a fine arts hallway. So it was like chorus, band, orchestra, art. And there was like murals for each of them on each section of the wall. He painted over it, like white. He was painted over the mural. I don't, that costs more money

than deep-funding the art department. He was painted over it. Truly, like we were talking talk about truly warden from fucking Like no fun like really just like You're gonna be my ticket to super into the guffin is office because my school was like my school Was a funnel of white boys to uga like every white boy at my school was like I'm gonna go to uga just like my brother and my daddy and his daddy and his daddy before him Well, you grew up in the South. Did you know what you kids who dipped in class?

No, by the time I got there by my like sophomore year a lot of the We they there's some we at 1200 people my freshman class. They had to build a second school So a lot of the people who would do that went to the second school. And then all of the ethnic kids were mostly at my school. They literally segregated their school. That's insane. I went to segregated school. They built a new school. It's crazy. We were similar ages and by the time I was in high school, it was no longer cool at all to do anything to Mac or nicotine. Or nicotine. Wait, because you were like riding the early years of the vape nation. Yeah, but it wasn't cool yet.

It wasn't was lame. Vaping was lame for a long time. They didn't like it. And also, I told you will came out. I told you will came out and then cocaine came back and fast. People just like, I didn't get in.

I told you, so fucking hard. The oldest I've ever felt was like this tick talk before, tick talk with tick talk. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it.

I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it.

I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I remember that I used to like steal cigarettes from my stepdad and you know Miller time and You know Miller time I would still steal his cigarettes fucking marble red strike fucking cowboy killers

Baby and then I like smoke them on my way to school and then I remember one time I showed up to home room and this kid Nathan went It smells like a shitty campfire in here and I want you Spring spring CK one of yours. It's just like it wasn't it wasn't like cool things I just I just dated my or like curve yeah I have a bottle of curve in my car right That's crazy bottle of curve in a Honda accord. Yeah, wait, what are you reaching for? She's got a bottle of oh Oh

Y'all should like this podcast should become a sent podcast you guys are so into we went to lunch of the day and all you guys were like We all wear the same kind of stuff. Yeah, man and you're both like a hombre lover by Tom Ford. Yeah, who does? It's the best. Yeah, honestly, yeah, controversial. The only good Tom Ford son. If people, if people meet us in the wild, the three of us all smell pretty much the same. Yeah, we all have the same sent family. Tyler comes from this. Get come here. Smell this. That's good.

It's good, right? So how much money was this? That's so expensive. I am the least coordinated person. I know how much was this? That's because you know what? There was no pressure to catch it. So you caught it

Correct it wasn't like this is $40 for $45.00 a litre sample you would have my God the full bottle is 3.00 Look at this it is it's this is 40.000 it's it's 3.80 for or 3.20 for a full bottle if I would have thrown it at you and gone $300 you would have fucked it up you would have won it smells so good You just pull off the top. Yeah, it's pop top off. I want What are your notes? What it holds a little vanilla little little little like a leather couch leather tobacco Bergamon Do you know such a sucker for Bergama? I got I don't even know If you ever so this is my problem with like sent shit and especially like the stuff that they're doing. So the way that they

describe sense to me is not at all attracted to the viewers party down. Yeah. So what my favorite uh what's Ron Swanson's wife's name I can never remember. Oh Megan. I love it. Uh there's an episode where they go to, um, uh, what's his name's house and, uh, she's just explaining wines. She's like, oh, this tastes like sticks and rope. And she's like, that's how I feel about when people. Yeah. Well, so that's the thing is you were like guessing the shit.

Yeah. And you were like, so it smells like vanilla, which to me is like, I don't want to smell sticky. I don't want to smell like ice cream. Right. Then you're like, and then I'm getting notes of tobacco and a leather, and I'm like, tobacco and leather.

And I said, leather, cow, there's a little bit. I said, leather, leather. You fucking, this is what I'm saying, is I used to smoke cigarettes and smoke smoke. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sweet scent, not like a smoked cigarette. Like it's not. Tobacco accord is what I've been driving from the last 12 years. If I disagree. If you go into an actual tobacco shop, first you'll have to brush pie,

the most ponytailed men in history, and who just got off their recumbent bikes to go into a tobacco shop. To get undrived tobacco, by the way, they like to drive their own. They like to drive their own, but you go into an actual tobacco shop to get undrived tobacco by the way they like to drive their own. Yeah, I like to drive their own but you go into an actual tobacco shop it smells fucking amazing. Yeah, cigarettes are so like processed and have so much shit in them to like make no you're

like like a tobacco just smells like it's like popery almost like but yeah, but as long as you're not smoking it, it smells bad. Yes, as long as it doesn't, it smells really good. Yeah, um, still really cool though But I think it's cool, but smoking smoking cigarettes. Yeah, no, it makes you look cool. Yeah, we can all agree Yeah, every time I worse than on earth for you, but I've been mildly interested in a person before and then watch them light up a cigarette I mean just be like I love you. I love you. Please don't leave me. It's a drug in the bar and light up a cigarette.

It's the sexiness of the death drug. I was going to say the, so going back to like describing sense is because when you talk about like I think for the most part, most people are conditioned, it's a condition, but most people experience sense in a very like bath and bodywork sort of way. So when someone says vanilla, what you're expecting is your guidance, guidance counselor's fucking vanilla,

or warm cookie, warm cookie in their fucking office. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. Layer vanilla with a bunch of other stuff. It just like makes it, it just makes it different. I know what you're saying, but I've also realized that like, this smells pretty good.

Yeah. I don't want it because to me it still smells too sweet. I've told you guys, and I've shown you like the stuff that I like where it's like, the base notes are like earthy and dirt. You know what you would like? I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've been doing it like, no.

I have this one from ASAP called Euremia, and it smells like a, it smells like a, like a forest after it rains in an apocalypse. Imagine the world has ended. No, it's a blood and nuclear. No, no, no, no. Imagine the world has ended. This is called Corridor McCarthy's The Road.

Imagine the world has ended. People are gone and the wilderness has reclaimed the city. That's what it's in it. Can't even rain. That's what it smells like. It's got, it's just got base notes of patchouli and top notes of no matter how hard you try, you'll never get your old life back. Yeah. Oh, God. No, there's no people anymore. There are no people. That's what it smells like.

Oh, it's so good. I said, the last of us. Okay. I may have talked about this before on the podcast. Well, that used to be a recurring nightmare. I had as a child was it was a zombie apocalypse and we would just be walking and you the world would be completely empty. And I never had to fight zombies. It was just that feeling. Just lovely. There was no one that entertained. Yeah. Well, I was a child. So I didn't care yet. It was a Mundo show.

For me, it was like me how the world is ended. This is not the arm. I think you guys understand that. I am a tagly archie. I will. Yeah. But doctor, I am the arm. And Mondo cried for there were no more people.

It's an intense. I went. Monday's he went. I used to do this. I used to do so much little bullshit, because I was used to yeah, it's gotten worse but like a word My mom tells the story about what I used to do and I was a kid is I would wake up before her And then she would like you know she would get up and start getting ready and I would run outside and look around and Then come back inside and I had this big cardboard box with a hole cut in it,

like a square. And I would go like, welcome to mom news. And today the weather is, and then I would just say what I saw outside. And she would be like, very good. This is going to be a segment on the podcast, right? This is a place so much. So much. This is not a story I hear.

I hear and I'm like, wow, I never would have expected that. Who knew? I fully expected that. Yeah, let Armando made a TV out of a box and would put on shows for people. Yeah. In the same way that it's not surprising that I smoked a pipe in college.

It is also not surprising. Can I? Can I? Jesus Christ. Uh, I smoked non tobacco. Hey, hell yeah. I need you to be real. You ever wear a beret?

Ooh. Ooh. I don't. Here's the real test though. If it was black, boo. It was red. Fuck you. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was going to say, I did the same thing Armando, instead of a bot it was couch cushions I made like a little theater theater out of couch cushions. I would do the same thing So we're cut from similar class my man. I would yeah, I would take the family camcorder and like make music videos Friends I I've definitely told this before but this is the stupidest fucking thing I ever did in my life is my grandmother on my dad's side

Mexican lady lived over in like Indio Not in the yuh in the yo. That's where they California. Yeah, California. It's where they do Coachella every year Okay She would she had a side hustle of like because I lived in Los Angeles She would take me when I was staying with my dad and my dad's family, she would be the one to drive me back to Los Angeles to drop me off to my mom. But what she would do before that

is we would go down to downtown LA to the jewelry district and the fashion district and she would buy a bunch of stuff at like bulk cheap prices and then take it back to India and sell it for like high markups. Everything about you makes so much sense. The more I'm getting back, the background on you. And you and your health swim and talent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is because of your oil. It's because my oil was fucking to do this. This woman

gained fucking Aivon by she realized that if she was a member of Aivon, she could get discount prices on the products herself. So she just never, she would buy from herself all of the stuff that she needed to hit her quota and then resell it to other people at a higher markup because there was no one else because she wasn't recruiting other people. Right, so funny.

She'd deal MLM to the MLM. Yeah, but then she'd be Hamid Johova's witness. So you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, yeah, you Yeah, she DL MLM the MLM. Yeah, but then she's became a Jehovah's Witness so you get you get got Yeah, you were walking up to yourself to come Anyway, the point is I would cry all the time when she would take me because it was boring as fuck because it's just a bunch of people yelling In Spanish about the price of gold I would love it so much you you're gonna say you miss that like we I miss it now Yeah, and one time which is a kid in terminable. Oh, she would choose by me one toy Every time we went there and one time she bought me a toy and what it was was a fake security camera

And if you put in batteries and you like hung it up It was motion sensor So if you went by it was start going And that's all it was just a fake security camera But it looked like a if you just held it still, it looked like a camera. And she got me that and I took it to school and I told everyone it was a real camera

and I filmed my first movie, which is called Super Flush, which was based off the rumor that we had at our school and every school, where if you flushed all the toilets at the same time, it would cause a super flush and the whole school would fall into the ground. Yes. Yeah. All kids are the same. Yeah, all kids are the same.

All kids are the same. Except I mean, and how did that get around before you? How did that get around? How? There is so much. How does everyone's uncle work in Nintendo? There's so much stuff. There is so much stuff that is like culturally ingrained in kids that I was never taught, that I was never,

like I just knew and that all kids know and makes, it is, there's any indication that there is more going on in the universe, spiritually, it's how much stuff all kids have in common that was never taught to them. It was just like, it's just part of culture that is universal across at least in America. I mean, I think there's a 10 year difference between the oldest and youngest person on this podcast and then geographically, like LA, I grew up like a little kid. I was in Kansas, Texas, Georgia, like all over the country.

You literally across a span. Everybody knows that Maryland, Manston removed his two bottom ribs so he can suck his own day. I did not learn that from the internet. No, pre-earned. I remember the day Nathaniel came to class and went, you don't need to remove your ribs. And we were like, what? What? What? And he thought it was cool.

And in retrospect, it kind of was. It was like the thought process of a kid to go, it works. And then go to school and be like, guys, I sucked my own dick and thinking he would be like, and then instead everyone was like, oh, I think, I think whatever that is. I don't weird. So when I went to Roswell, New Mexico, we were learning about aliens. That's right, Confucian.

Roswell, Rhode Island. Yeah. I've been to Roswell France before. Yeah. When I went to Roswell, we went to the alien museum, and I had the question that I think everyone has of like, how come we always think of aliens as like humanoid? They got two legs, they got brain up here, And one of the arguments that you've made convincing or otherwise is that sometimes in nature,

especially on Earth, but maybe throughout all of time is that the reason that things happen is because that is the best way to do it. So it's crabs and trees, right? So everything wants to be a crab. Like it's called the crabification. Like when you take an animal and like over eons of evolution, they wind up looking kind of crab like, yeah.

But then if you look at trees, so like, I think it's the Sequoia tree, has more in common with a dandelion than it does with an Elm tree. It's just that like, that's how things should be and grow. Yeah, that's fucked up. So there is that theory. So like, my thing that I posit is that everyone,

every child eventually comes to the conclusion that if you flushed all the toilets in your school, the school would collapse or go up. I think it's just like, it's how folklore exists. That's why we have big foot. It's like, it's how things like disseminate across time and space. It's just, you come to that natural.

Also, when I was a kid, this is apropos of almost nothing, but when I was a kid, I remember thinking of like, oh shit, what was that thing? It was like a stupid song that we used to sing. Did the Joker get away in it? No, something about a Chevy. American pine? No, it about a Chevy. American pond? No, it's the one about diarrhea.

Yeah. So there was a version not about diarrhea. And when you're sliding into, or like, is it like when you're coming up ladder and you feel something splattered, I don't know. Yeah, when you sit in the Chevy and you feel something heavy. Yeah, diarrhea.

Diarrhea, so I remember like, I remember learning that from somebody's older brother and then singing that. And then I went to Mississippi and I heard another kid do it. And I just went, how did you know? Who taught you? Yeah. And he was like, everyone knows that.

And I went, how? How do you? How? That's how I feel about like jump rope songs. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. jump rope songs. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a cousin, like, you're cousin from another state. And that must be it. It's just like you have cousins from other states that come in and teach you, you have older brothers that live in somebody else. Like, did you, I don't know how gendered. Did you guys like jump rope? Yeah, I know a few jump rope songs.

Yeah, okay. Did you guys have the one about King Kong? No. Okay. maybe. Okay, so it was like a, it was like a, it was like a, I guess like a contest. So you're, it's either double dust, you're skipping a rubber. So they're turning the ropes for you. And it's like old, old King Kong had a rubber ding dong.

What color was it? And then you have to say many colors as you can. And then like you stop when you're out. And pink. Oh, you're out. Blue. But I remember like getting in trouble at school for doing it

because I didn't have a concept of what a dildo was. Got it. Yeah. And I wanna know how this became a thing. Well, and then also there's just like, you look back through those. Because I was like in my head,

it dinged on the bell. And all those things are incredibly dark. Yeah. Like most of that folklore, like children's folklore is dark, is that like, what does that jump rope song that's like, somebody has a baby and you wrap it up in toilet paper and send it down an escalator and you're like,

what? Like, yeah, a whole song that everyone knows about fucking killing Barney the dime. Yeah. And I remember the whole. I was six. The older I got, the more of a song I learned and the weirder the worse it was.

Well, the first one is like- Barney Backlight Shop. Chopped up Barney's head, it's stuff through the toilet. Or something like that. And then if you roasted on a bar- Yeah, there's like, yeah. At the end, it was just like,

and then I killed his family. Yeah. Like, this seven year old child, I, yeah, you're up for adoption family. Yeah. It's like just the seven year old child. Yeah. Yeah, your adoption now, sorry. But I, but this, I think that is in the proud tradition of all children's songs and stories being fucking terrified. Oh, yeah.

They're supposed to make you, they're making me hate. They're supposed to make you not die early. Yeah, it's like all the, like all the fucking Grims fairy tales, all that kind of stuff, all the stuff that came from Germany was just like, hey, don't go into the forest. Yeah, there are so many wheels to die as a child, but they had to make up even more fucked up ways so you'd be actually scared.

So then the kid, but I think kids appropriated that and turned that macabre shit into their own culture. Into their own culture. And it's so fun. Like ring around the rosy is about people dying from the fucking play. Like, and then burning the body. Ashes to ashes, and we all fall down.

Yeah, that is a song that kids merrily sing as they hold hands and walk in a circle. That is about people dropping dead from the play. Yeah. And it's like, so this is just a continuation of a very pro tradition of like, of kids stuff upon any scrutiny being like what's up? I'm fucked. Yeah. I really wonder what like there has to be still examples that are

non-internet related that kids are doing today that are like continued folk lore things that they don't have reference to like I want to know what the one with the mind craft version of that is. Other than like the S like the Superman S. Yeah. Oh the super the cool S. The Superman S. Oh, the super, the cool S. The cool S. Everyone knows the cool S. I've never drawn one. I still fuck it up half the time.

I always connect the lines wrong. I'm like, so we're all going to get the tattoo of the cool S. Yeah, it's good matching S tattoos. What about, what about, or like just like that, the way to like draw a dog with a bunch of circles? That's like a weird thing we all learn somehow. Yeah, or to never be alone with a science teacher. Yeah, yeah.

Everyone had a group of science teachers. We all had a creepy science teacher, right? Everyone did, yeah. It was always a science teacher. Yeah, biology teacher. Yeah, but yeah. What the hell? Yeah, what the fuck?

Yeah, see? You just remember his face flashed and his face flash, didn't it? I was like, I was like, Armando, that's a let's attack you joke and I was just like no and I don't know what's in the front row right? Yes, see what Again, this just goes back to simulation theory dog It's there's only a finite amount of things that can exist and then everybody just on the same rep repetition Can I so science teachers out lovely bonzing on the children?

Yeah. I, I've been thinking about this is like, one of my favorite things is that like when you're a parent, right? You have to teach your kid a lot of important things about life. Yeah. Really early, like you have to teach a kid how to shit, right? Can I say that's my one fear and why I will never become a parent because my one fear is like What if I can't potty train a child? That's what I'm saying You fucking hard it is to like teach it to to fucking like no shit right?

I I potty train myself by the spite one time. That's how I did it You also have like a dog that you potty trained right? I did she pee on command. It's awesome It's it's easier than that. Right. Yeah. So imagine doing that with the baby going piss. And then it does. If I say go potty. Here, but you know, but I think there's like so much like truly like hard wired shit through evolution of indoor plumbing that like, like, you putty training kids. I feel like is not like sure. It takes a while, but it, but it's not like, well, now they're just crapping in their hands or in the corner.

It's still weird to me that kids learn how to talk before they learn how to stop shitting themselves. Yeah. They learn how to walk. So you can have a human walk up to you and be like, I shit. Like just like that. It's, I think it's still so funny.

Again, like we're talking about like evolution and things just like, oh, this is like the best way to do it. But one thing like we're talking about like evolution and things just like, oh, this is like the best way to do it. But one thing that we absolutely, as like as it species totally fucked up is that like babies super aren't done when they're born. No, like they should, like they should cook for another year. They should cook for another year.

Or more cereal levels of other developed. Yeah, or more cereal's are disgusting. Absolutely vile. At least they don't do, at least we don't do that. But also I would prefer like, I would prefer the giraffe model. It's just like dump, dump and run. Yeah, like a giraffe word. You're doing it like, how you see?

Like, deer come out and start walking up. It starts running immediately. Yeah, that should be us. A baby, I swear to God, I don't know how humanity has survived for this long. Because I've seen baby be born. It's bad. It's bad.

It's really bad. And we have tools to make make sure baby be good. And people still die a lot from it. A lot like a lot. Like a lot. Like way too much that like you know some places you have to do it. Right here. Here's the thing though. That wasn't my final point. My point was that like it's interesting to me that there's a bunch of stuff that's really intimate and really gross that we do teach children how to do, like go to the bathroom, how to like wipe themselves. We had a conversation the last time I was on the podcast about like how strange it is that different people

wipe sitting down, standing up, it's like all about personal preference. What I think is really great is I remember when kids started like my age, started learning about sex and no one would talk to us about sex. No, but we all got it somehow. Yeah, we all learned something. And I remember that science teacher.

I will never, yeah. Shots at Mr. P. I will never forget the moment that me and my three best friends in middle school were talking about masturbation and everyone had a wild different theory as to how you were supposed to do it. That's so funny. I've never like I'm gonna be straight up. You're gonna be honest. Are you gonna be vulnerable right now? Yeah so I'm sorry I just picked you up like the Apollo 13 scene. Who would a bunch of of scientists Just dump a bunch of stuff on the table guys. We gotta let it come

Yeah, we gotta make this fitting it is using only this That is what that is what it is and I promise that we wouldn't be horny and I've broken my promise Absolutely, I remember being a kid and like again, I may have talked about this before, but I found a Pornomag in my stepdad's room and I remember looking at every pornography magazine. Yeah, that's another thing that all children have learned is to look and stepdad's secret closet. It's always like it's like it's like if I put it in the top drawer, the kid can't reach it. Yeah, well, your kid's six foot two and he's five. So of course I found it. Yeah.

Yeah, you're gonna look in your stepdad's secret drawer and you're either gonna find something really upsetting or porn and it's my- It's a nice porn really exciting point. Yeah. Anyway, I saw, I remember seeing a porn magazine for the first time and just being like, I want it!

And I don't know what it is. Yeah. And I remember this is kind of is. Yeah, and I remember I just pushed myself into the magazine because I was like that's what feels right and then I gave myself a paper cut Are we at time yet? Almost anyway, I feel like there's I think This is really it's really good joke on Bob's burgers when Jean finds himself sexually attracted to that puppet. And they go on a cruise and there's a puppet that Jean's really attracted to you.

And he doesn't know how to process the feelings. He's like, it feels like I have to pee, but I don't. I'm just like, what is the earliest feelings of horny? Yeah, because it's confused. That's so accurate. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, like you're like Oh, I got so much man We all figured it out. Yeah, yeah, I figured it out that conversation though I'll never forget because I found out my friend Josh fucked the stuff He told you guys he told us that he was like cuz that's something you take to your grave I mean you die because he told us that he was like because that's something you take to your grave I mean you die because he told us because he went first

That was that that's why is he went first and then didn't realize and then I would I remember going like that's not how you do it You put your hand backwards like this and you go Like your casting goes back. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm up close magic. Yeah, I'm doing slight I'm the up close magic. Yeah, I'm doing slight hand. Slice hand three dick. Yeah. I'm the Ricky J of master. I'm the David. I'm not the same title. I'm the I'm the Chris Angel of jerking off.

Chris Angel. I'm free. Chris Angel. Just free. Is it funny that that show is just editing? And we just like had six seasons of it. Yeah, it was just editing. I made the schedule liberty disappear because I turned the camera a different angle.

It's just and it was all edits. My favorite is like there's one where he's like in a car that goes off of it cliff that explodes, but then he's on the helicopter above it. Yeah. And it's clearly they just cut. They just cut. It's so obvious. Was it so was magic always as big or was that like a thing that happened when I was in school

I think that I think everybody went through a magic phase. Yeah, I went through a magic phrase Pintella David copper Yeah, the pen and teller always had like the pinnacle of oh then and then like when I was a kid There was like the guy who just exposed all of magic secrets on oh And then like when I was a kid there was like the guy who just exposed all of magic secrets on oh Yeah, I was great. I was special in the sexy Darth Maul Like a blue mask part of the intro was they were like we have to put out a mask otherwise David Blaine We'll try to kill yeah, yeah, yeah Then the last episode was he took off the mask. I remember this he took off the mask and they're like

He's gonna finally reveal who he is. And his name was just like, it was like Frank. And so he pulled off the mask. He was like, I am Frank. And then that was the end of the show. And everyone was like, Oh. Okay.

Well, what you didn't see was the red dot that went up the ass head. That's why I did use this hard cut. They took the shot. There's a, I can't, I think it's Joel Hodgson from NST3K had like a theory. and I think it's like a widely, kind of subscribe to theory that a lot of comedians go through a magic phase.

Yeah. Because it's like a way, because before you learn, when you're a kid, before you learn like how to do a bit or like construct like a joke, you learn the vocabulary of that through magic because it is a routine that has like a structure and is performable by anyone. Like, once you learn how to do it, it's very easy to replicate.

And that, because as a kid that's very attractive because you learn how to like a magic, a joke is like a magic trick because you take people down this sort of path and then you reveal a truth at the end that makes them laugh. And so like magic is very attractive. Kids are an early, like, kids who will eventually become comedians

definitely have a magic phase because they're learning the math of it. Again, it's the universal childhood. It's weird. That's weird. Because they like that, like learning that a routine. And I find that, really, it's like, yeah, I think there is very, there's something very much to that.

I just wanted to steal people's watches. I thought that was so cool. Like truly like pickpocketing slide of hand stuff is so fucking cool. Like, it's not cool, but it's cool. The one is like cool. It's like so cool. It's cool to watch, but it's not cool.

I wanted to be a magician so fucking bad. And I was a kid, but there I have these big fucking clumsy hands. And so like, I realized that like, it's good because you can do stuff where like, you know that trick. I'm sorry, I'm gonna, magicians were secrets revealed here, but there's a trick where you have like a deck of cards and there's a card on it. And then then you go and then the card changes. Yeah, so what you're doing is you're pushing forward the card on top with your back of your hand, you're pushing it back, yeah, pushing the card underneath back and then you're tucking the top card under the and then putting the bottom card on top. That's all it is. And when you have big hands, you can obscure everything.

Yeah, when you have big hands, you just go, wow, but then it becomes somehow more obvious what you're doing. Because it's like, well, that's not really special. You covered the entire deck of cards. Right. A deck of cards in your hands looks like a fucking sugar pack.

Yeah. These hands are fucking like, every time I hold a can of beer, somebody's like, ooh, looking, I'm gonna enjoy it. Yeah, I get it. I'm massive. Okay. I love the, like, when you're like, oh yeah, I really a can of beer, somebody's like, ooh, look, you're going to enjoy it. Yeah, I get it, I'm massive, okay? But the thing, I love the, like, when you're like,

oh yeah, I really wanted to be like, learning how to like take someone's watch. And then I realized I could just ask for their fucking watch. That's what I'm gonna say. Yeah, it's because I was like, I don't need to learn how to give me your watch. I'm like, okay, please. I'm like, okay, let me shake your hand and then we do it

and they would have their watch. And I was like, I could never do that, but I could walk up to somebody and go give it to me Give me your watch. Okay. Oh, don't hurt me Fucking kidding and then you just start doing He's gonna do it now. He's gonna be a magic girl. All right, so this is a normal watch It's editing, baby. Oh! Shit! Oh, no!

It's gone forever. I threw it in the couch. Well, this episode of the Ristratheath Podcast is sponsored by Helix Sleep. Sleep is one of the most universal human experiences that there is. It takes up about a third of our lives and a good night's sleep can have some serious health benefits. So, why is finding the perfect mattress so dang hard? Well, thanks to Helix Sleep, finding the perfect mattress just for you is as easy as taking a two-minute quiz.

The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Lux Collection, the newly released Helix Elite collection and mattress designed for big and tall sleepers. No more having my feet hang off the bed so the monsters can get me. Helix also offers a 100 night trial so you can test out your new mattress at home to make sure it's the perfect fit for you. Look Gus has not stopped talking about how he's been getting the best night of sleep ever. Every single night thanks to his helix. All he had to do was take a little quiz,

find out what what mattress best suits his needs and then boom, the perfect Gus shaped mattress. Although you would get a you shape mattress and not and not a a gust-shape mattress. He's very linky. And you don't have to take my word for it. Helix Sleep has over 12,000 five-star reviews. And right now, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. So go to helixleep.com slash rooster.

This is their best offer yet, and it won't last long with helix better sleep starts now. This episode of the Rooster Teeth Podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. It is so easy to get caught up in what everyone else needs from you that you might forget about your own needs. And look, I've been guilty of sometimes putting other people before myself too much, and I find myself mentally exhausted and burned out all the time.

If you've ever found yourself feeling that way, therapy can give you the tools to find balance in your life so that you can keep supporting others without leaving yourself behind. Therapy can also be a great tool for learning positive coping skills, learning how to set boundaries, and empowering you to be the best version of yourself. And if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, better help is a fantastic option, this convenient, flexible, and entirely online. All you gotta do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Find more balance with better help.

Visit betterhelp.com slash rooster today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H-E-L-P dot com slash rooster. Can I seriously have my watch? I can do the cat. All right, well forget it. You can get it in the post show. I'll get in the post show. Yeah, I remember learning, oh man, oh god. No, sorry, I just had one of those like tree of life memories of like early embarrassment,

which is like I remember elementary school talent show. Those bring you in the consciousness. Man, why do you gotta say shit like that? Got a talent show elementary school talent show I didn't do it. This is my first This is my one of my earliest memories of second-hand in barris. Oh boy Elementary school talent show and a kid was doing a magic routine and he Couldn't get it right. And just like was like floundering on stage, like couldn't get the card trick to work

and like had like an assistant and it was just like falling apart and eventually just had to walk off stage and was like visibly upset. And I was just like, as a kid, just like, I'm sure he'd go in the entertainment after that. I truly, that should have been enough to scare people away, but that's how'd go in the entertainment after that. I truly, that should have been enough to scare people away,

but that's how I knew how the fucking, that dog in me. You have that dog in you, because you were like, I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have done that. If it was me, personally, I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have done that. Yeah, do it again this time with talent. I remember the first magic trick I ever got was the little box that you put the card

into. And then you, uh, the trick is again that there's like a thin little piece of plastic that looks like the bottom of the case. So when you flip it over, that just falls down. And then when you open it, it looks like the card disappears. Yeah. I didn't understand that because I was fucking eight and I couldn't and I didn't want to, I didn't want to read the instructions.

I just saw the guy at the magic shop do it and I went, I can do that. And so I kept putting the card in and then shaking it and opening it and the card was still there. I kept doing it and I couldn't figure it out. And then one time I did it, accidentally flipped it over, opened it and the card was gone. And I went, and I thought I was real magic. Okay, so you're my most disappointing magic story. Yes, please.

Again, like you will, I tried magic. And I got, I got really good at card magic. Okay, so you're my most disappointing magic story. Yeah, please. Again, like you all I tried magic and I got I got really good at card magic and I got and I could never get sponge magic because my hands are too small. It's a miracle. It's a sponge ball. Oh, the little yeah. Yeah, and that's all I wanted to do is get really good at this sponge ball magic and this other and this other trick that was in the kit It was like a hanker trick and the Sponge Ball magic and the hanker trick was the reasons why I bought it and the saddest thing that's ever happened to me And this is this is my experience with racism is that I don't know if you guys know the the hanker trick Is that you pull a hanker chip like out of nothing? Yeah, it's a fake thumb

Yeah, yeah, the thumb that comes. It's a fake thumb. Yeah. Yeah. The thumb that comes with it is a white thumb. And I am a small black child. So I can't use the fake thumb that you're supposed to put the fucking handkerchief into so that you can magic like pull it out of nothing. Cause you're gonna see a fucking white thumb.

You and your room with a fucking magic marker. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest.

There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest.

There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. There's a priest. It was like three tricks I wanted to do, the handkerchief trick, the sponge balls,

and pulling something out of the hat. And two of those, my dreams killed, out of the 15 trick kit I bought. Talking about magic, it is a miracle we fucked. It is the same miracle we've had sex. It is just, it is. To be fair, it took a very long time. I think about that.

But let's just like, just talking about it now, I'm like, God, the fact that I've had sex is just insane. I don't know about that. Okay, but let's just like, I'm just talking about it now. I'm like, God, the fact that I met sex is just insane. I'm not talking about that all the time. It's more of an indictment on the other person. Yeah. Truly. No, yeah, really slumming it with a client nerdy entertainer. We're for, we're for, she let me hit because I'm goofy.

Yeah. She let me hit because I'm a silly goose. Yeah, I've silly goose my way into many of women, but that's about it. I remember one of the angriest I've ever been. When I was like 18, 19 or something, I broke up with somebody and then we tried to stay friends. And so we kept following each other on social media and stuff. And she posted something on Instagram. And so I had been like, I was 21. It it was actually it was when I was 21 because I remember at this point

I was sleeping in a car and trying to be a comedian and having no other job or any other thing nice and everyone told me that Oh, you can't just be funny like no one's gonna pay you to be funny so Again, this was back in the day No one did pay me to be fun you can't get a salary by telling come to no you can't no higher you're and so I remember one of her she like posted like a thing at the beach and she was like you're doing so well and somebody one of her friends commented

like oh man I'm glad you're doing so much better I remember a couple months ago when we were calling and talking about your fucking bum boyfriend And like and I read that my first got mad and then I was like You dated a bum You actually yeah, why was when we started dating yeah like I might have been a bum, but you dated a homeless person so That's one you you fucked a guy living in a Honda Civic so That's one you you fucked a guy living in a Honda Civic so The more foolish the fool the fool follows them Might be a loser, but you fuck the loser. I only fuck winners

That bitch on a house now She can't get the stink out You're thinking you ever think about people it's fucked up way and I don't mean it fully But there are some times where you're like I'm glad you do well, but you ain't gonna get the stink out I was there. Yeah, I was there. I've been there. You didn't even fuck me when I was success You really you really you really climbed down into the trash heap. For this clown. Yeah, I fun with that. This is horrible.

Why do I ruin everything I love? And I don't mean people. I mean the show. So I ruin people all the time. That's fine. I'm out of my mind. I find my peace with God about that. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image.

I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image.

I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image.

I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. I'm out of my image. Here's the thing about that. It's like these are there, I disagree with a colleague that's like, oh, this show is too horny, because these are fundamental universal human experience. Yeah. Especially people like R-Age,

this isn't a kid's show. Yeah. At all. I feel like these are very relatable human experiences. I feel like, I feel like the embarrassment of that, the raw humanity of that, I feel like it's very entertaining. I prefer this over the fake horniness of the YouTuber

that makes videos for what is ostensibly a child audience, where they're like the thumbnail. It's just like, my girlfriend did anything I asked for to do for 24 hours. It's just like him going like this and her just like pixeled out. And I'm like, that's bad. That's gross.

Well, we do, don't know child is watching this. One of the things that I do like is that Griff hangs out with a lot of really cool people and blizzes too. They hang out with like a lot of cool. Well, they hang out with cool people, but what I really like is they're like, it's part of their brands.

Your friends brands are like being kind of like horny on main. You know what I'm talking about? And like that's fun and it's cute because that's their brand. And then you get knee around them and like me if he Andrew you people who are passionate. Yeah like horny and the trenches. I'm like horny in theory and we're just like we're fucking out here. I'm the Rambo of horny That might be a bad the Rambo first put I Cut that is the fucking

Don't you I think I'm worth the rock. I like yes Need to bleep but you should yeah, like honestly, but take that needs to replace shit on words. You can't see That's what that what I'm trying to say Very poorly is that like it's not a brand for us. No, it's just Oh, no, yeah, exactly. It's not like we don't market ourselves as like the horny bunch But it's just happens If I had to market this I would mark mark it. This is the dudes who only were neutral bunch. Oh, yeah

Oh, no, my pants are too short. They showed off a little bit of my cat Look at that. Oh, love it.ube or Victorian yeah, actually baby girl or Slut yeah, wow there's three categories of men, okay, but what are you me? I'm baby girl? Okay, now define these categories because it's I feel like they were so explain it to you Baby girl baby girl is for no no no no no no start. What's baby girl? I'm baby girl your baby girl. You're a baby girl because you're pretty and You're soft. I would also say that like Gus is a baby girl. Uh-huh sure and by baby

Baby girl with M. I see I see how you are a baby girl if Gus is a baby girl arm baby You're a girl that makes sense. Well, what's the connective tissue? I don't know it's just a vibe. It's a vibe. Okay, but then okay, so poor Yeah, it's a man out, but then who else is it's chain out? Okay, well, yeah, let's let's let's let's try and go BK no Chris really oh Baby girl, baby girl Chris is a whore. No, please don't yeah, yeah, this is This is also I mean I love Chris Yeah, please don't. Yeah, this is also I mean, I love Chris. Yeah, I don't want to.

Liz is also a horse. Not a slot. No, you're slow. Who else is what? Who else is right? Because again, it's all vibe based. It's all vibe based. I cannot believe this is going to sound very controversial.

And again, this is vibe. I mean, I'm still hung up on Chris and Andrew being in the same camera. No, that makes sense. I'd vibe alone, Dante. The Inferno guy? No, in IT. Oh, he's got slutty vibes.

Funny. Yeah. That's funny. I thought you meant like me and the guy- Dante the Inferno. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't do it in one hell. No, no, no, Dante and I-

What to be fair, historically, Dante was also a slut. Yeah. That's what that is. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to need one more horror example because I can't. It's Chris is such a wild card. That's easy.

I'm still putting it. I think Chris is the, Chris is the example for me. The Uber also said blizz. And blizz. I said blizz. Oh, okay. For horror. For horror.

All right. I also said BK. I think all of IG, all of IG. You're a, you're a men only I G you were a minimum. Yeah, this is the men are three categories. Those are three categories. Okay. So give me okay So it's me chris and blizz yeah, or part of that John ham John ham. Yeah, put that in the category or or yeah That's a baby You want him to be a whore because you want to be like actually I would actually you know what I would put him in slut

I would put him in slut he could be a slutty baby girl perhaps double but he's baby girl first clean shave Even though he's a terrible person. Yeah, what yeah, oh god ham's a nightmare. What? Allegedly allegedly I like all of his characters, because they're all good. They're all, and they're all one guy. Flow from progressive. Oh yeah. Terrible.

Well, only talk, was that you who tell me that she only talks through her assistant? I didn't say that. I'm one of the seven people who have. Truly, like nothing, nothing could be more of a monkey's paw wish than like the flow from progressive. Like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, to get a gig. It's like, I want to be a successful improv. No, everyone knows my name. Like, so much, like, probably one of the wealthiest commercial actors in all of history will only be known for that role. Only be flow from progressive. Like, cannot really do

It sure is a monkey shak it's like the 18 to grow the big yabas with the big yabba was it who was in that werewolves with me Yeah, where was it then where was with it? But you know what's fucked is I found out her boss. I was it's 5G Is it time? Can we can you turn the lights off? We're ending the episode. No, come on. That is. No, come on.

Hey, guys, thanks for listening to the RT Podcast. To be fair, I'd like to. We'll be back next week with the steak off. It's going to be Gus's last episode. You're going to want to tune in. You're not going to want to miss that. We'll see you in the post show. We're all going to be Ed Monseng, Armando,

and meeting his mic. That's right. I'd fuck any representative from any insurance company You're all fired. Yeah from I Flow would so the fake absolute what about the what about the I'm turning inside Stack of money with Guglia's camel. Yeah stack of money with Guglia's That's the money with Guglia's like it up in them got The caveman no, that's the one I want. Yeah, yes They were really blue

Liberty, yeah, yeah, what about the guy who looks like Eric that's with the email That shouldn't be the Eric absolutely to both Anyway, thanks for joining us everybody. We had a wonderful time. Don't send this to my boss. You're the whole time. The one who can fire us. Oh, right. Bye everybody. Bye. Music Describe the show to a newcomer in a more familiar way. Do you like apples? Example. Together in Trempit hosts Characans, Characans are free to deal with nothing with this podcast. Analyze various unsolved and rooster teeth cryptic podcast.

F**k face. Call to action. Feel free to add something show premise specific but short. and Ruestriteats cryptic podcast, f*** face. Call to action. Feel free to add something show premise specific, but short. Listen to show name on Apple Spotify or wherever you get podcasts. It's f*** face, a podcast.

Subscribe or no. You do yes? you