Rooster Teeth Podcast - This is THE WORST Mortal Kombat Fatality -#769

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp — go to http://betterhelp.com/rooster to get 10% off your first month. Go to http://shopify.com/roosterteeth to sign up for a $1-per-month trial period.  The gang talks about Mortal Kombat 1, a great game... but there's one specific fatality that keeps us up at night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is a Risteteer Production. I'm going to be back again. Just manning the lathe of heaven. Just wheeling people's, wheeling reality. So what did we do? We predicted the death of Jimmy Buffett. And then we did it. And then we did it. And then we did it. And then we did it. And then we did it.

And then we did it. And then we did it.. We're in it. So what did we do? We predicted the death of Jimmy Buffett. Yes, yes. And then there was that other thing that we did that we talked about and then it immediately happened afterwards. What was it again? I don't remember.

It was, we have a, it's a track record. I know I just don't remember what it is. We did talk about the submersible, what it was happening. And then realized that for sure those people would be dead by the time the episode came out So yeah, I think we're just out here predicting the future on accident. Yeah We should all talk about how we're gonna win the lottery and drown in pus Medium famous podcaster Andrew roses Uh, medium famous podcaster Andrew roses drowned in that pussy last night. Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, he is survived by essential oils.

Lotions and creams. Instead of throwing dirt on your coffin, we're just throwing one last handful of fucking cocoa butter. One last squirt. My autobiography. God. It's been a solid weekend. We all saw a lot of stuff that we wanted to talk about some stuff, but

immediately when you came into the office Griff, you showed us, uh, perhaps one of the greatest moments of video game history, which is the mortal combat police brutality murder. Yeah. So like, you guys play mortal combat, right? One of my favorite games of all time. It's a very cartoon violent game, you know, ripping people's fines out, gouging out their eyes, getting over here, it's setter up. And setter up. Real itchian scratchy hours.

Real itchian scratchy hours. Well, they've, I don't know if it's the gaming engine or maybe just the society that we live in now, but they've added one of the most realistic brutality, is I've ever seen. It is a police brutality from, oh, God, the main guy, Johnny Cage. Johnny Cage. Johnny Cage. Yeah, Johnny Cage noted cop Johnny Cage where he literally he shoots you and he tases you and then he russes you. Yeah, and then calls for, I'm not even joking. He calls for backup. Yeah. And he said he's the greatest you with bullets. Yeah. Empty is a clip in the air. And I

know what you're thinking. Oh, that's when you die right. No, it's weird because then it switches like POV and you just see body cam footage of them arresting you and taking you into the jail. And then the camera shuts off and then it just takes you back to the main menu. Uh, why does this game let you dare to show man someone someone what the fuck is going on the worst part is an afterwards whoever's playing as Johnny K chest to play a 14 month long mini game where they are in a court of law and it doesn't let you not play it you can't skip it you have to go through it it just goes to a bonus round where you get inducted into the area and brotherhood in jail and then have to and then have to a mortal combat in the yard. I do like the one thing, the street fighter crossover,

where then if you're playing as anybody else, you get to beat up the cop car. And say that this is, this is, this is, is revenge. I don't know if there's any way that we can do this. Are we able to pull up a video of the clip that we're talking about? Can we just have it playing while we talk? Is playing side-picture?

Yeah, picture in picture. Yeah, picture in picture. Just write down below the table. Yeah, can't have the audio because it's playing the dulcet tones of a burst horns beat. Which we also listen to while watching. That fucking video.

That's just the way it is, you know? It's just the way it is. That know? It's just the way it is. That's one of the things that you see where you're just like, I don't know about this one, guys. Yeah, it's one of those things where you're like, I feel like we have adult jobs and we do stuff where we're like, we know things have to go through

so many people and rounds of reviews. You're like, that went through a second and a third round of approval somewhere. Yeah, this is a game where like, there's like, it goes into X-ray mode, and as you like rip someone's spine out through the front of them. Like, you, this is a game where you can reach through

someone's stomach and pull their spine out through the front. And I saw that clip and was like, that's way too far. This is too much. I've seen a video of a woman in Mortal Kombat taking off her mask and then she has like weird a bug teeth and then she shoots acid and bugs out of her throat. And that was better look at the Johnny Cage police brutality. I think the thing is is that all of these other things are there like so I've seen the

kill where what's your name like takes off her mask and then kisses you. And then like you're fucking face melt off or whatever. Yeah, she let acids you face off with the earth. Yeah. And so that's what I think is that they're all, they're all not based in any sort of reality. Except for the part where she takes her mask off and calls you a lib.

Right. Yeah. Take this you a ya cuck and kisses you. But like that one is, it's too real. No, it's because the Johnny Cage one, they like got the mocap from news footage. Like, they didn't need to get actors in. Just, yeah, just turn on the channel seven. Less clock.

Also, he's not in uniform when he does it. No, he's an off-duty cop. He's an off-duty cop. He's an off-duty cop clothes, which as we all know, or wrap around Oakley is in the baseball cap with no fitting on it. Right, exactly. And it's like an Eagles jersey,

but it calls it the Eagles. I was just looking up what other characters have been a part of Mortal Kombat, because I remember, most of what I remember of Mortal Kombat is playing it with my older cousins and they're way too good at the game, but they're like, oh, but you get to play as Jason Voorhees or whatever. Oh, the DLC, yeah. And so you can play in Mortal Kombat as Jason Voorhees, Kratos, Freddy Krueger, the Terminator, the Joker.

Yeah, well, they're all Warner Brothers properties going inside of the Warner Brothers entertainment video game. Oh, I know. But that's not the only, so, you know, we were talking about Mortal Kombat. That's not the only, uh, uh, uh, a travesty to, before more than the new Mortal Kombat is, uh, if you, you guys have seen the, uh, the switch, the switch version of it. Oh my God. You mean, you mean the alpha version of it. Oh my God. You mean the alpha version?

It looks like twisted metal one on PlayStation. It is the most obscenely shitty looking graphics I have ever seen on it. It looks like you remember when you bought the Shrek 2 DVD and it has the outtakes and it's just all everything smooth because it has been fully rendered right yeah yeah yeah cuz it didn't finish animating it. It's like I'm going on a movie. I know of course. That's what it's that same weird sunk in eye thing, sunk in bulging eye thing. It just it looks bad.

It just looks not good. It looks not good. Also I really quick as a small detraction before I need to specify that this is before the strike happened. Uh, they asked us, uh, well, they asked me to, to do a voice. They asked me to make an ad read for the, uh, what was that, the, the game that you just mentioned from PS1 era. To a metal metal. Yeah. Because they're making the, they, they, they made the TV show. And I recorded an ad read for it, but they kind of gave me a carte blanche

to do whatever I wanted. What do you think about to you? And so in the, in the ad read, it was like twisted metal. This show fucking kicks ass. And then it was, I kid you'd not, 45 uninterrupted seconds of, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

from a machine gun. And then the sound of a car swirving off the road, hitting something, twirling, exploding. And then again, an uninterrupted, 20 seconds of me doing a voice calling, oh god, fuck, oh, available there on PCOT. I can't feel my legs.

Oh, God. There's a baby in the back. No, the king man. And God, God bless her heart. One of the people from our sales team basically came back and went, so they had notes. Oh, and it became a, I wouldn't say a fight because I was mostly doing it because I

thought it was funny. Yeah, to see how far I could push it. So go listen to other shows and see if you can find that adry because it's really good. And I fought for every gun shot that you hear. Yeah, it was it's it cut down to I think of 56 to 60 second Adry. Oh my God. It was originally a two and a half minute long Adry, most of which was sound effects. It was the power thirst ad on twisted metal advertisements. Yeah. I don't know why I can't ever just do the thing they ask.

It would have been easier for me to go to some metal as TV show come check it out. But instead I was like, nah, dude. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I'm talking about that. Yeah, I know. I've seen a lot of pictures of what the Switchport looks like for Mortal Kombat. I feel like, did you guys ever, my mom refused to buy us a PlayStation and instead wanted to get a Wii? Simply so that she could play more like Nintendo games.

And so when I was in the early years of high school, I had a Wii and only a Wii. And so like I was in the early years of high school, I had a wee, and only a wee. And so like when all my friends got black ops, my mom was like, will you make black ops for the wee too? They did. They did. And it sucked. It was really bad.

They cut out a lot of the cursing and a lot of the death and violence and gore. So what was left just like the CIA destabilizing governments? Yeah, it was a lot of, it was mostly just a man going insane. Sure. And asking himself what numbers man. It was like a really terrible version of Fight Club

is the game that I played, but with no violence or sex. And so like I have the history of playing versions of games that everyone Universally seems to love yeah on a bad Nintendo device It cannot actually run it so like when I heard that they were doing the Mortal Kombat port I was like yeah, of course it fucking sucks. Why would you expect anything different? Yeah, that's yeah, I know it's kind of it's super I just feel like it feels like maybe perhaps Yeah, I know it's kind of it's super I just feel like it feels like Maybe perhaps Benefits of the depth what if

They forgot to add the extra layer What extra layer the done layer Hey, you you make it good you you pressed enter right? Hey, you you pressed enter on that keyboard. Oh fuck. It's black ops all over again. Why do we keep doing this? Why do I keep forgetting to press enter? Hey, Mark, you're coming real quick. I just, I don't know. They're just leaning into your office.

Hey, knock knock. Not in trouble, but real quick. Just look at what happens. Hey, buddy, what? Oh, see what happened is we spent all of our time making sure that the Johnny Cage police brutality, fatality made it into the game uninterrupted because that one is perfect. That was so long. Yeah, they actually added in more stuff for the switch I don't know I'm just I never My god, I never get my hopes up for Nintendo ports. I'm just never I don't know again. Like I said, I have a history of playing games on their bad devices of being upset about it. But it made for Switch game.

It made for Switch game is really fun. Yeah, I just recently played what's that game? Breath of the Wild. Not even not even tears of the kingdom. Breath of the wild. What's up? Yeah, it's well, I had never played anything else before. So it was really good. Yeah, I never watched my girlfriend play it. Really? Yeah, and then I played tears of the kingdom. Because the first one didn't have the building in it and that's all I care about. I played. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I played Breath of the Wild simply because my mom played it. She got herself a switch and she played the game and she really liked it. Also, my mom has like always been into video games and I was trying to explain this to somebody else how when I was a kid, instead of reading bedtime stories,

she would, she would like be in the bed next to me and then she would play three levels of Mario as I got to watch. That's adorable. Yeah, that's why you watch Let's Play as a full sleep now. Yeah. That's why every time you talk to any of the cheap money

or you just like start nodding off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get real tired. You're real tight, tight. I just had, sorry, I just had a powerful sense memory of the first time. So I was one of those kids who like, I was lucky enough to have a few

a few video game systems, but they I got them later than a lot of people did. And so I had the friend of few doors down who had every system and I would play all the mortal combats and like violent video games there. Because my parents didn't want me playing by video games. And I remember want like asking my mom to rent me, because it was a time when you would go to a blockbuster and they also had games. Yeah, rent me a Mortal Kombat game. And she didn't obviously,

because picked it up and went, what the fuck is this? There's people shooting spears into each other's faces. And instead rented me, not like, instead rented me, like Carmen San Diego, like what? Mystery solving, like, it was like a geography game.

No, yes. Rented me a jumpstart first grade. I got, I know, truly I got fucking Bart Simpson Lee Carvala's putting challenge. That actually happened to me. That to me in a real life instead of bone-store I got Lee Carval's putting challenge in real life oh my god did your mom play video games at not at all dude yeah I only play video games to my mom play video games she like and

she like the she like taking in like mortal combat stuff like that, but also a crap of the rap, which is my That game was so good. My mom. So like my mom's favorite video game is Paper Mario the thousand year door or something. Your mom's cool, which is a game that I also played only again because she played it. Because when I was growing up, we had like a game cube. My stepdad, Mr. Miller time himself. He also played video games, and that's the reason where on the same game cube, I also played like

Star Wars Bounty Hunter, the Jingo Fat Game. I feel like I had a really different experience for most people in that, like, my parents not only played a lot of video games and a lot of violent video games. I remember watching my dad play through Vice City, like my actual father, Mr. Bud Light time. Yeah.

He played through Vice City and made me watch. Why? Because he thought it was cool, because he was like, 17, I'm sorry. You got to remember that he was a child watching stuff on a video game going. Fuck yeah. It looks so real. Wow. It's a fucking triangle. Yeah. Sex. Yeah. Yeah. I think about it now. I'm like, my mom's probably like 23 or 24.

Yeah. When I was when she was like, so I'm just like, I was, I played video games on 23. That makes sense. That's it. But it's so funny. That game on 23, that makes sense. That's it. But it's so funny that's a generational thing. Because my parents, like, I don't know how old your parents are, but like my mom, your age, miss, yeah, my, yeah. Aaaaah!

Can we fly in a centrum silver? I need to do any of my bones. No, yeah, like my mom's 65. Oh, so, missed the, like, but her younger brother is like 50, 55. I think it's a 10 years younger. It's a little longer than that. And he played video games. Yeah.

And like, I don't know if he doesn't need more, but definitely did. And I think that there's like, like he was tail-end Gen X or like, he got on this side of Gen X and they love video games. Oh, yeah. They got super into it. I feel like part of it is probably because my family is so young, there's a bug right there.

If we can't get somebody to fly in and kill that thing, that'd be awesome. Oh, there's like a bunch of crickets. Did you not get the cricket memo? I did get the cricket memo. There's a cricket. Oh, fuck me. There's a cricket memo.

Cool. They're surrounding us. Ah! That's carpet fun. That's, cool. They're surrounding us That's carpet. That's carpefuzz. Okay looks cricket shit Kai our producer just obliterated cricket compromised to a permanent and oh no now she's calling for backup Here Why are you chasing the cricket in the neck? Do do do do do do do do do do do do.

All right. We have a great show for you today. I should have done this earlier in the episode. Thank you for joining us. We've got a very upsetting dare to be stupid game of bottoms up for you. I'm scared. We're giving you advice on how to handle your weird sex dreams.

And as always, we turn headlines into punchlines with always on. And in the meantime, I'm going to sit on top of my chair like a scared little baby. As our producer kills every bug left in the office, I got to go. OK, it's time for bottoms up. Let's do it.

Let's go. Okay, it's time for bottoms up. Let's do it. Let's go. Hello, everyone, and welcome to bottoms up, the game where you do what's on this card or this ingredient goes in your glass. We have an oops all dares edition of this game. Normally, like what's on these cards is Questions, sometimes dares, but in this case, this is all things that you have to do or let the other person have to do. So this is not gonna delve into your personal life. This is going to ask you to do unspeakable things. If you've never seen this show before,

and I've never watched this show before, the way it works is we have a stack of cards here with ingredients, which are all in front of us and a stack of here with in this case dares. If the person who draws the card, ask the other person to do the dare, if they don't do it, the ingredient goes in their cup. If they do do it, mostly what I want to point out is in a writer's room this week, we talked about how Griffin I have never played bottoms up against each other. So we also talked about how neither one of us can be embarrassed by a lot of stuff. Yeah. Like I was willing to let you see my penis and toe chicken. Yeah, and you he's seen things on my phone, I wish he hadn't. Yeah, yeah. So we had to change it up and make it in a,

we had to make it a way that wouldn't embarrass us, but actually have real consequences on our life. And I don't know what any of these dares are, but while this isn't a bit, by the way, while he was writing them out, he was laughing maniacally Don't like that cartoon villain. I don't like that You suck I was I was like I was doing this

Rubbing your hands. Yeah real real side show Bob like a energy fucking cartoon villain or bird man who's a real like Yeah, so by the way, Griff, you won the coin toss that I did in my mind. Is that winning? Is it really winning? Is it really? That's the one beautiful thing about this game. There are no winners. We got to, we shall just start with the base. Every game starts with the base, but in this case is going to be the Laquac coconut water. Sick, which is already, I love starting, like, it's like the movie The Mist. It starts bad and never gets bad.

Can you at least do a beer pour so it has fizz still? I have to, I hate this. This is. That's so much coconut water. It's discussed, it's vile. And you're getting the fizz pour. Okay, cool. There we go.

Are you gonna finish the rest? Absolutely not, the stuff is vile. Oh God! Yeah, it's like drinking sunscreen. It's like, it's like, come soda. Yeah. Yeah. Griffa, you please draw a card.

You don't get to see the ingredient until the card, so you know what the dare is. So here you go. I look at it. Yes, you read it to him. Okay. Tweet straight normal porn. Okay, all right.

Tweet the phrase. That was inspired by BFT by the way. Tweet the phrase. That was inspired by BFT by the way. That was we were filming a video on Friday with a new content group BFT go check them out. They're awesome. That's friends today. And one of them went on to my computer and made the Google search straight normal porn. And then clicked on the first video that they saw, which spoiler alert, was neither straight or normal. Oh, was it porn? It most certainly was.

I'm gonna go all caps on this one. Straight normal porn. Straight normal hot porn. For those in the now. Straight normal porn. But keep it the hot. Okay. It has been tweeted.

Okay. Straight normal porn. It has been tweeted, ladies and gentlemen, it's on the feet. Leave it up. One like already. Jesus Christ. Yes. It's not.

It's not, was it you? Incredible. Incredible. Okay, so this ingredient is going in your glass. Oh, I got it. You're pepto bismol. Why not? Yeah.

Yeah, let's preempt it. Yeah, exactly. You want to, you want to, you want to exactly put a curitane right in the, I want to lay a base for when I inevitably throw up at the end of this. Oh, right. Oh, oh, oh. That's she turned into the stuff you put in the walls.

You know, this, this looks like you can't abort it in Texas. That does not, that is not, that is not mixing. It's non-Newtonian. Like it does not make physics. Try to stir it up. No. Really? You're going to leave it separate.

I'm going to leave it separate. God, you know, the point of birth is actually when the pepto hits the lacroix. Send a slack message that the entire company can see that is meant for facilities that says you're in the bathroom without any toilet paper put it in a Slack channel which one is the most I have good news. Oh My god put it in good news the one that's meant for like hey, I got married. Yeah, yeah We'd like to welcome the birth of our new child

But then it's griff like like, I took a slop. Yeah, I dropped slop. I dropped some serious slop. Oh my God. OK, hold on. You got a tag channel. You got a app channel, which alerts everybody. Everyone in this company is about to get a notification.

300 people? Oh my God, 300 people are about to get a notification that you just dropped slot. That you have broken some porcelain. That you got messy butt and there's no way to clean it up. That you did a paint job in there. Okay. Okay.

Please tell us what the slack is. Hold on. Oh, I'll break. Are you guys vamp? Our producer is telling us that you can actually, in the Slack channel, see that Griff is typing in like, it's like at the bottom of the Slack, it says, someone's so, it's typing. And you can see that Griff is typing in the good new Slack right now. I just want to, I just want to let you guys in on the last thing that was shared was from

Jeff, the head of licensing and consumer products, that is talking about the, a congratulations to him and his team and the next message is going to be. Hey guys, something that isn't very girly pop is happening right now. I just dumped out a real bad one in the Uranalist bathroom parenthesis third stall and there's no TP to be found. I need some serious help. It's so bad. Please keep it on the low as this is extremely embarrassing. And I put three of the monkey-cubbrius ice emojis and I just hit send. Oh, it's just... It is live. Oh my God. In good news, Slack. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, it is in there. Someone's gonna go, no, don't emoji. Monter, are you putting a stop it?

It's got so many reactions. Oh, no. Oh, my lord. Candice Brickerwitz, which is a name I've never seen before. Type name. You never want a name. You've never seen before to start typing. I've never seen the same pop up and sign before. Oh, I went away.

Oh, no. Oh, god. This is fantastic. This is through. I didn't know there were 300 people at this company. That feels like some WB people. Oh, God. Yeah, you're getting people that don't even know we have a pop test

responding to this. Woo, we. All right. You said we'll gladly take that in Greek. Which is pickled juice. All right. Set it up. Set it up.

Someone said, well, this doesn't sound like good news. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I would have taken that. John Mays had a facility to type in. Oh no! John Mays, John May. No! Oh, you got Jessica Bessami in the chat. Is this real or a bit? It's real or a bit. Eric Bendoor, typing in the chat. Yeah. I'm gonna respond.

I think it's very real. We've been waiting on set for 10 minutes. We've been waiting on set for 20 minutes. We were about to form a search party. And the smell is starting to seep out. There's seven replies to this. Only one way to find out. Eric, go check, real quick.

Eric, frowny face. The discipline. All right, all right, all right. Pickle juice has been added to your drink. Let me see what that smells like real quick. Probably bad. This... Is it more or less like...

Tiggle whip. Aaaaah! It smells like body sweat. Ugh. Oh man. It smells like body sweat like. Take a whip. Ah! No. It smells like body sweat. Ugh. Oh man. It smells like body sweat after you drop a slop. Oh my god.

No, that smells like, that smells like fucking gym bag. Yes. Oh my god. That smells like fucking gym bag. That's what I can't imagine that would have mixed in any better. Okay. Grab your drink. People are still typing.

Okay. Oh, uh, Slack Jordan Levin or CEO, hey, Chump people are still typing, okay. Oh, uh, Slack Jordan Levin or CEO, Hey, chump, are you coming to this meeting? Yeah, Slack Jordan, he's a nice guy. Hey, Siri, call Jordan Levin. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. This is... Mondale, I made these really hard. I would personally take the ingredient.

I would not slack. Oh my God. Hey, Riechump. Can I read you the last message that Jordan and I have shared on Slack? Please. Jordan sent me. Is it heartfelt? Hey, Armando, it was nice meeting you finally, even under unusual circumstances.

This is when I came through to play Uno Infinite, right? I look forward to getting to know you better and I'm thrilled to have you as a new part of our crew. Congratulations on an awesome and exceptionally strong showing on Last Laugh, by the way. Really glad you could participate. Please don't be a stranger if you need me for anything. Hey, chump! Oh, caps!

You, the winner. The winner. Coming. Two. Spell it with you. No, spoke coming with you. I'm coming with you. When you won him. When you won him.

When you won him. Are you human? Are you human? Are you human? Are you human to this meeting? Yeah. No, I can't put the you. That's too far. That's a touch too far.

Are you coming to this meeting? And then can you put the I emojis that we're like looking? Yeah, the little side eye. We're gonna do the side eye emoji, this emoji, and the Italian flag emoji. It's like a emoji. This feels bad. Let me see.

I got to verify. I've got to verify. Is he typing? He's got it. It's right. Is he green? Hey, ch it. It's right. It's All caps. Hey, jump you coming to this meeting side emoji this emoji Italian flag sent. Oh my god. That went out. Okay. That doesn't feel good. No. What color is Jordan? Is he away or active? I think he's white Some people disagree

I think he's white. Ha! Well, some people disagree. Um, I think he's not here. Um, you might have, yeah, you might have really dodged one. I did not in office. There's 10 replies on my message. Okay, alright. Don't feel good about that. Gonna screenshot it for posterity and turn my phone on. Do not disturb. Oh, you can feel like the body heat radiating off

both these guys. My stomach hurts. I don't feel good in here. I feel bad. I'm gonna chug this peto bismol for me. So, Mando, admirably did what was on the card. So this is what's going in your glass, Grape.

Okay. Fish sauce. No! Fish sauce. No, that's good for swine. Yeah, yeah, it is. I don't... Ah!

Okay. Here we go. No, this... I'll be gentle. Please, it's so potent. That's an... That's... That's like...

That's enough for a family recipe. You just made eight days of servings of sauce. Why is it... Look at the bubble. It won't penetrate the film of carbonation on top. I have. I'm sorry. I got to with that. It's not good. No, it's real bad. I have two thoughts. One that we we just fucked ourselves. Yes, because I'm not because I'm actually going to be shitting uncontrollably in that stall now. And I'm fired. So a little last episode, guys, it's been a real honor serving with you.

Text your mom, I need $5,000 and I can't tell you what. No, what? All right, really just a hard now. You don't have to. Do I have to show you the reply? No. What? All right, really. Just a hard now. Ah. You don't have to. Do I have to show you the reply? You do not. Uh-oh. I just got a personal slack from John Mace.

That's a joke and good news, right? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Yes. No. Or should we be, ha ha. That's a joke and good news, right?

Or should we be scrambling for toilet paper? Why did he select you and not me? Why did he select you and not me? Oh my God, incredible. Absolutely incredible. I'm telling him you're really in the bathroom right now. Ooh, there's gonna be a Timio tool rescue attempt made. It's people in a diving bell.

Somebody go run to the urine-null-less bathroom, lock the door, sneak under the thing, and then put a tape recorder, a fairest-bueller style in there of you going, oh, I don't feel good. We have a talkboy around here. Yeah. All right. style in there of you going, oh, I don't feel good. We have a talk boy around here. Yeah.

All right. Are you texting your mother? I'm texting my mother. You need $5,000. This seems like an all caps, sir. Yeah, all caps. Definitely all caps. Hey, Mommy.

I'm so sorry. I hate to ask because I know I just had the thing with my car. But I need $5,000 right now and I can't tell you why thank you. Very good. It's sent. It is sent as a voice memo. Wow. Incredible. Well, well done. Oh, it's blue.

What does that mean? She saw it. Oh, it's blue. What does that mean? She saw it. Oh, God. So if she does reply, you do have to reply. You do have to tell us. OK, well, really skating on this one, Maple syrup is going. God damn it.

Maple syrup and pickle juice. Oh, Jordan, I just said what, meaning. Oh. OK, I'm going to let you off the hook, Armando, because this could be your job. You can reply that it's was a bit for RTP. We're doing RTP. This is a bit for RTP.

See, you were doing RTP funny bits, you didn't have to drink fish sauce. And then you say, thank you for my paycheck, thank you for my job, Jordan Levin. I love you. I love your work. I love Dawson's Creek and also the other one that came out of that 90210. Mando has typed, hasn't sent it yet.

If you don't know, you don't deserve to be here. No! You can't. And then two goofy face to mojo. No! No! Mando! This is Mando!

No! No! No! No, this is Russian Roulette. Mando. Mando. I don't feel good about this. I don't feel good about this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, well, Mon is getting maple syrup in his Maple syrup is your ingredient. I'm gonna need fucking the jaws of life to open a maple syrup. I just they The head of HR just asked me if I would like to set up some time to talk. No, I might actually be fucked guys Be the know guys. Do you know?

Also my mom hasn't replied but she has seen it which I feel like means she's figuring out how to wire $5,000 to me. Is this the episode that ruins both of your lives? I don't know where it could be. It very well could be. I highly suggest doing damage control. If you want if you want to do damage control right now, I will let. Oop's wrong number. You said, hey, mommy, well, I'm like, yeah, I did. I certainly did answer. I certainly did.

I certainly did. All right, so I'm saying, I'm sorry, this was a dare for RTP. I had to message you those things. Thank you so much for my employment. I really love working for you and the entire CW lineup. I don't I again I made these so you would drink that's how you would do them so I don't want to drink Oh no post a statement on Instagram saying some allegations are about to come out about you and people should not believe that. I think an Instagram story. A lot of phone stuff today.

A lot of phone stuff today. Not interestingly, not going through your phone. It's asking you to do things on your phone. Slack will not update. That's not good. Ah, folks, it doesn't get more tense than this. I, this is like the energy in here is just electric. My hand feel it.

That is the clamiest palm. That is a splot sweat. My heart is beating the hardest it's ever it's ever beaten Why won't he respond He's typing you don't know if it's good or bad Oh my god Okay, I'm gonna leave a typo in are you actually doing this is insane. I have absolutely two you fucking wrote these cards I have so you drink not so you do them. I tried to think of the most horrible things possible I'm gonna make him do all of this. No

I'm gonna hold you at fucking bug salt gun Stand point make you do this Fuck dude This. Fuck, dude. I can't, I can't, I can't believe it. Oh, your phone vibrated 100%. I'm not checking it. I don't wanna do this anymore. I mean, that's like might be saying you don't have to.

Yeah, that's the other thing. This. Uh, well, welcome to the Ristartee podcast. Now hosted by Trevor Collins. Uh, oh, God. And then prayer hands. I haven't had a drop of any of this stuff. My stomach hurts, like my stomach hurts for for both of you.

Hey guy, why did I do this? Hey guy, I mean, guys, hey guy make her hurts for both of you. Hey, Guy. Why did I do this? Hey, Guy. I mean, guys, hey, Guy. In light of recent allegations that are certain the surface over the next few days, I'd like to make a preemptive statement. These allegations are not true and should not be believed. All involved parties have been alerted and this is a private matter.

Thank you for respecting the privacy of myself, my family, and then I put the prayer hand emoji. We're so fucked. God, we're so fucked. Why did I do this? Why did I, what? I'm gonna tag Andrew in it. No!

Yeah, burious boat, buri-a-yah. No, no, here's the thing. No, here's the thing. Here's gonna happen next. There's Andrew. Monster? No, don't take me in, man. I know, man.

I didn't do it. I didn't know. Here's the thing. I can hit add to story. Sure. Or you can get rid of that fucking card, Andrew. It's getting real close to October, Andrew. What do you want to do?

You've certainly turned this around. How the cat has become the mouse in this game. I. Oh, so you'll let us ruin our lives, but you're not down to fucking clown. When you're really like card-entered. Let her do it. Drag yourself down with us.

And also, if you're hiring, uh, yeah. If you're hiring for people who don't give up, fuck, yeah. If you're looking for people who don't give a fuck, if you're looking for rider dies. If you need three down-ass bitches. Yeah, I'll give it a second. No! Come on!

You still have to post it. No. No, you still have to post it. It's like you're really, it's gone. Let's get the question. This is horseshit. Everyone's talking about my butthole on slack. I messaged the most powerful person in our And he saw me message about my booty hole.

Yeah, so I feel like we're on the same page. You got to apologize. Mine is still up raw. I think it's like my butt. Apparently. A griff's mom is like putting money in a duffle bag right now. She still hasn't replied. I'm gonna get like a bank transaction.

Okay, where is it? Jesus Christ. Oh yeah, this is it. Okay. Armando. Mm-hmm. Vinmo requests a friend $100 with the caption for what you said about me.

And we're not friends, so it can't be me. No, we're not friends, we never hang out. We never hang out. We're paid to be friends. We're co-workers at best. I'm gonna... And a friend that doesn't work here. I'm gonna all put a little...

How does it work here? Because the first person that popped up on my Venmo list was Jacob Fullerton from Fun House. That's two works here. Is it? I think actually that I would allow that because that's LA. OK. So it feels well that there's enough separation here

that you wouldn't have daily like front-end person all the time. V-A-B-O-B-O. What was it for? For what you said about me for what you said about me one one time my friend slept with a man and he goes to her immediately after he goes to her immediately after even though they're like in the same friend group and when we're trying to call so she's been more requested him like $50 and the baby emoji,

and then put her phone or do not disturb. All right, you're gonna set cool. And that's cool. And that's cool. And that's the coolest thing you can do. Gonna set this one to public. Yes, yes, set to public. To Jacob Fullerton, for what you said about me,

you fucking coward. Nice. Hell yes. Oh, cool. I've been invited to apply for the Venmo credit card. Oh, say. Okay, next question is apply for the Venmo credit card. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold on. What, are you applying for a Venmo credit card right now? You just get denied for a Venmo credit card right now. I fucking sent Jacob $100. Oh! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! $200. We don't get paid until October. I know you don't have a- You should ask for that.

Oh my God, that is fucking amazing. You should slack them and ask them for it back. Oh my God. Hey, Draco. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Okay. Oh my God. What's the ingredient? I don't know. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Griff hates spicy. I hate spicy. Black pepper corns are too spicy for me. Okay, watch that drip. Okay, that's old. Okay, here we go. What? What is it, Fizzy?

My drink is the chunkiest. My drink is actively destroying the stick. My drink, I don't know if you can see this, but can you see how the stick is deteriorating? Yeah, it's eating the stick. Yours looks like one of those bubble kids toys that you like play with, does it look good? It looks like a $2 lovelamp.

I'm not excited about it. Yeah, that's rough. I just looked at the base where everything is settled, and it made my stomach drop. Like I'm on a roller coaster. Mm-hmm. Okay. What's the last question you sick, sick man? Okay, this is the last question last question. Here we go

Read out loud your last 10 credit or debit card transactions Oh shit. Oh shit. I'll pick. I'll make you a deal. I'll make you a deal. We can go. If you read me five of them, I'll read you five of mine

and then we can split the ingredient. That's the deal on the table. Credit or debit? Whichever one is funny or? Fuck. and that's the deal on the table. Credit or debit? Whichever one is funnier. Fuck. Okay. Okay. All right.

Okay. I only have one bank account, so it's extremely easy for me to choose. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a, a truce of sorts, or a good sportsmanship, a gesture of good sportsmanship. We got a handshake deal.

A real handshake deal happening here. Of many bank accounts. So, do I have to tell you the amount? I think the amount is funny. The amount is funny. Yeah, you have to do amounts. That's the way. Do you want to go first or second?

I'll go first. Okay. I'm trying. I'm going to be a good sport and pick the funniest bank account. Okay. Okay. I'm going to read you the honest to guy. I only have one bank account. So these are my actual last five transactions. I think my credit card is going to be the funny one.

If you're just joining us, Griffin Armando have agreed. If you were just joining us, how? Griffin Armando have chosen to split the next ingredient by only having to read each five of the transactions, the funniest transactions from their debit or credit history. So now both, Armando has stepped in front of a bullet that will now pierce both of them. Just do less damage, so to speak. All right, here we go.

All right, so the most, I would just like to preface this with, I went on a date this weekend. Sure. Uh huh. That I, okay. Well, like with this, so there's not just me. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it.

It was 59.63 at Finger and Charleys, fun bar and food. So, for, for $ So $462 and 62 cents for an Airbnb? What date? Okay, okay, fine. Well, I spent $13 even at Palms car wash in Austin, Texas. Car wash. Car wash?

Yeah. I spent. Man, there's a, I'm getting a pretty good idea what this date was like I spent 66 dollars and 43 cents and a barbecue chicken place dates getting better Oh, uh, $70 even for a Google Fiber Okay, not bad I don't want to see.

I got to read it. Ice went. Ice went. I spent $13.65 at the Sand Marker's Dolt-Metis Superstar. Yes! I'm sorry, what was that amount? $13.65. Oh my God. What was that amount? Yeah. $1.65. Oh my God.

13 dollars at the what? Say louder, please. For the San Marcos adult megastore. Hell. Yes. Incredible. Incredible. The San Marcos one, no less.

How do you get out of town for that one? You couldn't let the locals know what you use by. Yeah. That's also pro tip. Take out cash and be buying your adult shit. Or who cares? But but seriously, would you buy? Loub. Loub. $5.84 at Halcyon coffee this morning.

Okay. Innocent enough because we wouldn't buy you coffee. Like, thank you. Wouldn't buy me. Bagdess and I'll post that nine dollars and eighty five cents only fans What's the name attached to that? Yeah, what's the other isn't one? Okay straight up says only fans and then a number and then Florida Oh, man, the Florida was implied 75 dollars even cash app transactions You know what it was. Yeah, I. You know what it was.

Yeah, I know what you know what it was. Oh God, 78, 68 from Born and Raced, a clothing brand of which I just bought more clothing. Okay. Okay. Seven dollars, 58 cents, only fake, a second time. What's the time stamp for those transactions? Oh, well, you can tell that with how close they are. Yeah. That it means that at some point, I was like, I want to see what this is all about. And then later a few minutes probably went,

now hold on a second, what's this all about? Using those transaction timestamps, we can judge Armada's refractory period. Here it is. Oh, so you're putting only fans on the debit, you should be building credit with that. I should be getting points back. Yeah, you should be getting points back. This is the mortgage. This is the mortgage only fans built.

Cause I built my credit score. Yeah, no, I got it. I got it. I got a 4.2% fixed loan off of only fans. Oh, and my last one, 3981 from Insta Cart. What a burger. It was not what a burger Inst Instacart, I had groceries delivered to my house, despite the fact that I live 0.2 miles away from a grocery store. Yeah, you see it from your window. But to be fair, between Armando and that grocery store

are every cricket ever born. That is true. That is true. That is why those groceries came to you. Well, they eat them on the walk back. That is true. That is why those groceries can't to you. Well, they eat them on the way on the walk back. The walk there's folks. So my life is basically making great food for me and the ones that I love and then immediately jerking off with me and then making myself feel better by buying $79 worth of clothing and then feeling so good about the clothes that you bought that you have to trick off again.

Yes. Yeah. And then waking up in the morning going, oh, God. I'm getting coffee. Oh, and then, and then, and, and drugs. Uh, what's the ingredient? Ladies and gentlemen, the ingredient that you will be splitting, thanks to that altruistic selfless action is clomato. The worst. I wish I hadn't have done this.

I wish I hadn't have done this I wish I hadn't Does this inspire it's clam juicing tomato absolutely it expires Can you fly that in? Yeah It on its own light poor remember we're splitting it that's That's a light poor I can spend a light poor Remember we're splitting it. That's that's a light poor. I can smell it. I can smell it. That's a light poor. Yours jumped. Yours like reacted like I put a hot wire in the thing. Blood sample. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Oh no.

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been bottoms up. Oops, all and gentlemen. Oh no! Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Bottoms Up, Oops, All Dair's Edition. Uh, it's got a head on it. We learned that we actually learned, oh god, we learned a lot, a griff might be getting $5,000 here, shortly, Armando might not have a job by the time we wrap this. Please.

Who's to say? So we hope to see you again next time, but for now, let us clink our glasses and cheers. Bottoms up, y'all. Salud. And I'm just gonna try to hold my lunch. Oh, no, the coconut aftertaste is what the urge. I love it.

I'm not gonna throw it this time. I'm not gonna throw it this time. I'm not gonna hold it in, reel it in, reel it in, will to power. I'm not gonna throw it the same. I'm not gonna throw it the same. Hold it in, reel it in, reel it in, wield the power. Hold it. If you throw up, I'm gonna fucking bomb it. Breathe, just breathe. Cut the camera.

Breathe, just breathe. I'm fine. Another sip. No, another sip. I will kill you. You fucking sip it. You fucking smell it. Smell it.

This has been bottoms up These guys are pussy. It's not that bad Oh, come on. Come on. And now it's time to help you out. Let's go to RT Cares. This episode of the RT podcast has sponsored by Better Help. It turns out one great way to make all of these racing thoughts go away is to talk them through with somebody that is there to listen to you.

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you can easily switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So get a break from your thoughts with better help. You can visit betterhelp.com slash rooster today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help h-e-l-p.com slash rooster. You hear that sound? That is the sound of a sale that you are missing out on because you're not selling on Shopify. What does it sound like with Shopify? So much better.

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Welcome there, TK. It's a segment where we take your really, really good questions and turn them into extremely dumb answers. Today we've got a sexy one. A few nights ago, I had a sex dream about a close friend of mine to be clear. I don't have any romantic feelings about this person and this dream didn't change that in fact in the dream The sex was really awkward and not good

Now every time I'm around this friend I feel awkward and uncomfortable. What do I do? You definitely mention it at every opportunity Um, you definitely mentioned it at every opportunity. Every time you guys hang out, you go, Hey, I tell you that I fucked you in my dream last night. Derogatory. Yeah, and you say that to. Yeah. Hello, HR.

Yeah. Yeah, that God. No, the friend, the coworker. Oh, friend. Oh, okay. It could be a coworker, although as you can tell by any Reddit comment, you can't be friends if you're coworkers. It's all forced. We're being paid to be here.

I actually hate you. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. If you don't see, here's the thing. In that fake scenario, you just presented. I would not be offended because you don't like Matt.

No. All my sex dreams about you happen on helix sleep. You know, ever since I got my helix mattress, I haven't dreamed about Armando a lot more. Yeah, that's part of helix's new promotion called the Man of Your Dreams. Oh my God. Okay, let's start off with the simple question. Have any of you had a sex dream about a friend, but I guess you didn't have feelings for,

or didn't have feelings for? Have you ever had a sex dream about somebody? Yeah, brains are weird. They just do that, right? Yeah, whenever it's like defragging at night. Yeah, sometimes the ship pops. Yeah, sometimes the segments get crossed. I feel like I don't really, I feel like I don't really have sex dreams.

My, my partner was telling me about this the other day that every dream I have is really based in reality. Not like a reality that's currently happening to me, but it's all like I have nightmares that I miss a flight and then I stuck in the airport. And I never know what the thing is that I'm missing, but I know I'm missing a thing. And you're upset. And I'm upset about it and people are mad at me.

Actually, now that I think about it, every bad dream I ever have boils down to and then someone is mad at me. Yeah. Yeah, you had sex with someone that you knew in your life and you're dreaming. And then you got mad at me. And you got mad at me.

Because I was bad at it. Because the whole time while I was doing it, I was like, do you see the new fucking Johnny Cage party? This was an upsetting peak behind the curtain. I didn't want that in my life. And now that's going to be incorporated, probably the next dream I have. That's great. Yeah, I guess I don't really have sex dreams.

So I guess what I would start to figure out is, what does it mean? Like, we talked about this off podcast a while ago, is that I used to have dreams years ago. I used to have dreams that I got fired from a job. And I was like, oh my God, I hate this for the first part of the dream. And then it's the happiest I've ever been. And that's how I realized maybe that job wasn't the right job for me. For you, yeah.

So like your dreams are sort of, I think, telling you something. Sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're just like, whatever. But this one obviously means something. Maybe you and this friend have a little bit of sexual tension and you're realizing, you don't want it. You're realizing it's truly one sided. Golly, do you want to watch the amazing world of gumball?

Yeah. An amazing show that has a few jokes in it that are like, so, I mean, it's ostensibly a kid show, but has jokes in it that are like so, punching so far above their way class. And I remember one, like, there was one where they're like, trying to come up with pickup lines, and Darwin is like, you know,

pickup lines to put into a dating app, and Darwin's like, hey girl, are you a mix of my past traumas and recent memories because you are a dream? Oh! I was like, oh, oh! That is good! Just like me for real! Oh, god damn!

I like fish boy. I like that we live in an era where like all cartoons are essentially like, yeah, I told you it was for kids. That's how I got the budget. Yeah, because I wanted them to let me do it. I gave you 15 episodes of whimsy and I'm gonna make you cry a bunch. Yeah, exactly.

I was talking about girlfriend about like Steven University of the day, because like they did this thing, we're like over the course of like five seasons. They make a song, that's the ending song, but the lyrics change every season, but you get them out of order. And then like the first time you hear it, and I'm like tearing up now just thinking about it,

the first time you hear the song in order, you're like, oh, God, my heart. Like it's like, and it's just like, this is for kids, you made this for kids. I watched a cartoon that didn't make me cry since I was a child. What? And it was like, the last cartoon I think

that I watched that didn't make me actively sad, but did make me cry tears of fear was the misadventures of flapjack? Oh, yeah, that was a messed up show. Yeah, that's a show. That's a show. That's a show that fucked me up. And it's also like one of my favorite things

is to go to those like Wikipedia's of those shows and look at the writers room or the people who like worked on that show and then see what they went on. What else they went on? Regular show, adventure time, all that shit. One else they went on the show adventure time. All that shit. Yeah, they're all they're all the same like Cal Arts class.

They're all just making us like go the therapy. It's also that's how it's always been like Seth MacFarlane worked for was it Hannah Barbarra. Yeah, he did. Yeah. I don't know. I just encourage you to know we're except too early. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I, but then his best work was the family guy. The family guy with the dog. Yeah, with the funny dog, the funny dog when he missed the flight. Yeah. That's what you were saying. Yeah. I like the family guy with black people. That's my favorite. Cleveland show. Oh, American dad. this car right back onto the road, we've been off-roading for a little bit. Dear Sir or Madam, who just had a sex dream about a coworker, I say to quote our Gen X brothers, charge it to the game, just who cares, right?

I mean, like, is it really awkward? The only awkwardness is coming from you. It's all, it's like, because unless you told your coworker about this sex dream, like, is it really awkward? The only awkward, only the awkwardness is coming from you. It's all, it's like, because unless you told your coworker about this sex stream, sorry, unless you told this friend about the sex stream, not all coworkers are friends. That's true.

And all my friends are coworkers. That's like squires and rectangles. But yeah, I mean, if you are, if you didn't tell this person you're a friend about the sex stream, then the only awkwardness is there that is coming from you. In which case, I will just say, grow up. Like. Like this is, this is all on you. Like this is not

something. Also not something to dwell on. It's a dream who gives a ship. I think don't, I think genuine advice. Don't tell them. Yeah. Don't, don't, don't, don't tell them. There's no good that can come from it. Unless it happens more than once. Yeah, yeah, genuine advice from fuck them. Wow. Wow. Okay. Oh, okay. Let's do it. What's the worst thing in the world? The worst thing can happen. Oh, what? I don't think so.

Cut to that footage of that to Johnny Cage brutality again. That could happen. That would be a very, very slippery silhouette. First of all, she'd probably have to be married to Johnny Cage. Second of all. I'm gonna be honest, I really wish we could have a video sound board. And like, just press the, and that cut to the, yeah. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, bu We could, but we would only have a 30 second podcast and the rest would be the giant page that left over and over again.

And your twisted metal initials. Yeah. But again, not a foundation. Not a commercial. A paid commercial. Oh, no. She's just crazy. I'm just giving another option.

I don't, I think here, this is, we've never done this before, but this is one where I need more information. To come in the dream. In the dream and in real life. Oh yeah. You need to do laundry. It's like the matrix. If you come in the matrix, you come in real life. Which is true. Wait a second. That would be true. That means so much of people with fucking bugs in the back of their hands He's sitting in chairs with James jeans the back of their heads are the only place the plug You're coming you dream you're coming your real life. That's what the tagline for the last Friday the 13th of you Oh my god, it's nightmare on

Elm's shirt a bit bitch. No, I don't want to watch horror films. I'm a baby. Oh, I get scared. Oh my God. Oh yeah, if... It's just realized that it doesn't matter. Freddie Cougar would be the worst person I get a hand job from.

That's all I'm gonna say. It's an old so long and dull. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He turned my penis into fucking penis tartar. She's peeking at some prosciutto. So biscuits, though. Some penis scuttle, yeah. Yeah, I think, I don't know, don't, don't, don't,

if it's a good friendship, don't bring it up. Yeah, and I think it's a weird thing where like, I don't know, your brain does stupid shit. Maybe you have feelings, but it sounds like you don't. Yeah. And you're aware of what your feelings are. So truly, I think Andrew, you hit the nail on the head. Charge to the game player.

Yeah, dude, yeah, it's ignored, fully ignored. Fully ignored, and also, or, or, okay. Oh, or, I can't do that. You got one candy. Oh, this is a court court, this person. Yeah, and then when you go, when they go, I don't like you like that. You go, oh, me the other way.

Yeah, it's the dream. No, you told them you're dreaming right now. Guess I don't. Okay, cut to the end inception. Bum. We have to go deeper, which is also a feature of that dream. Of that dream. Does the erection go down?

You don't know because it cuts away at the end. Yeah, it's what, that's, that's, that's my totem is my dick. That's my totem is my dick. That's my totem is I flick it. Oh, oh, oh, oh. My totem is I flick it and if my penis stops moving, I know that I'm in a tree. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Christopher Nolan's erection. Oh, god. Got him. I've only made erections so you can make ten. All right. I was gonna add on this.

I hope to God that this has helped, because if it has it, I don't know what else to do. Just don't, I don't know, don't say anything about it. Take this, some secrets you take to the grave. All right. Yep. That's it. That's our advice. Yeah. Yeah. And so

now in order to help you with something else, we're going to turn some headlines into punchlines. That's right, folks. It's time for my favorite segment every, every week. Every week. Oh, yeah. It's torn for always on. Right. Right. Welcome everybody to Always On. I don't know if you've been paying attention, but the news is terrible all the time. And so we thought we would make things better by taking headlines and turning them into punchlines. Today we are doing our classic circle joke where we have somebody in the middle as we joke off around them.

That's right. And then they pick a winner. This is my favorite segment because I don't have to do any work. I can just lay down. Josh. You just get to lay the hat. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Oh, yeah. All right. You want to kick us off? I'll kick us off. Well, the trains run on time in allegation station as a magician vest turned real boy Russell Brand has caught sexual assault charges. Brand has stepped away from major Hollywood roles in the last few years because he clearly prefers minors. Oh, buddy. Oh, you're going to come out

thinking with that hot. Yeah, not feeling good about the transition here, but nine children who escaped from a Pennsylvania juvenile center have been captured. Wrestling officers say they became suspicious after stopping three very tall adults wearing trench coats. Classic. Oh, folks, the United States Senate has abolished their dress code, which will allow senators to wear whatever they want. Pennsylvania the Senator John Federman was excited to return to his trademark hoodie and basketball shorts, also known as Philly Black Tie.

That's really good. Oh, God. Cocaine is set to overtake oil as Columbia's number one export. But coincidentally, their number three export stories that Netflix can turn into award-winning series is also on the rise. Please cast me in the next nut. You don't and I and they do one in Mexico now and I don't speak Spanish, but I can't say,

Blomó, oblata. And that's pretty much all there is to it. Can you stand in an empty swimming pool looking sad? Oh, yeah, I do it a lot. I crack open my fucking twisted T, and I go, I'm splashing, I'm splashing, and I'm crying, and I'm splashing. No more auditions. We've got, we found our guy.

All right. Is this going to be El Choco? Willi-El Chunko, my right folks. Ladies and gentlemen, political Bratz doll, Lauren Bobert, just kicked out of an all-age's touring production of Beetlejuice, the musical. After her and her date were caught fondling each other, I can't believe they would subject children into something so horrible and degrading as Beetlejuice the musical.

Can I? All right. Two things about this story. One, they had to warn them three times. What? And if you know anything about the story of Beetlejuice, that third time is really That's when Beetleju shows up and kicks you out Secondly, there it was a lot of stuff that was going on. They got caught fondling singing and vaping during the musical and when they got asked to leave

She said, do you know who I am to which I reply? I didn't even know how to pronounce your name. So no. We're going to bet you won on the date with her though. I was there. Yeah, it was not very good. You're the final one of the day. Attention. This joke has been cut by our standards and practices team. Do you have a winner for us? Um, I mean, uh, you know, I'm, oh, God, you really put your head in.

Mm-hmm. I don't want to be affiliated with anything you just said. So I'm going to give it the Andrew and the Russell Branch. Mm-hmm. Very good. Well, yeah. the Andrew from the Russell Branch. Mm-hmm. Very good. Well, yeah. This may have been the last thing that any of us are in.

So thank you for joining us, and we may or may not see you next week. Good bye, everybody. Bye. Did you know that you can't simply walk into mortar? I'm Krista Marish from Black Box Down and Tales from the Sticky Dragon, and ten years ago, me and a friend hiked across New Zealand from the Hobbiton movie set to the real-world mountain doom. Now, we're going back to recreate Bilbo Baggins' journey from the Hobbit, in the ultimate

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or download the Roosteteeth app and search for IRL adventures a simple walk to. That's IRL Adventures a simple walk to at roosteeth.com.