Rooster Teeth Podcast - Welcome Back Jeffrey Dahmer - #785

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

Go to https://hensonshaving.com and enter ROOSTER at checkout to get 100 free blades with your purchase. (Note: you must add both the 100-blade pack and the razor for the discount to apply.) Sometime...s we have episodes of the Rooster Teeth Podcast that are just a bit unhinged. Today is one of those days with Armando, Andrew, and Griff and it's filled with flubs, Epstein Jokes, Alex Jones references, and constant breaking of character. Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Parents, when you visit California, childhood rules. If you don't remember how awesome childhood is, just ask yourself. What can't you do? Dance to a giant organ played by ocean waves? Yep. Camping floating tree houses, hundreds of feet off the ground? Check. Jumping a big tub of mud on purpose?
Starting point is 00:00:18 Call it rejuvenation. We don't care. Just pack your fun pants and let childhood rule your family vacation. If you need help, ask your kids. Start planning at VisitCalifornia.com This is a Ristatif production. I Want to do the thing like literally up at the top we can't start a conversation Yeah, we got to do that. Please support the fucking show. Yeah, it's like the only thing that Tyler asked me to do Shut up Tyler.
Starting point is 00:01:05 You'll dingus. You'll bag a dog piss and dog shit. What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit?
Starting point is 00:01:20 What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? What's your shit? It's the artsy podcast! I'm your host, Arvandha Tora. And with me is this fucking bag of shit. The weeping Andrew Rums. And with me is this fucking bag of shit.
Starting point is 00:01:45 The weeping Andrew Rums. Oh, and of course we have. Me whose catatonic now. Does that work as an intro? Sure. Let's go. All right. Yeah, welcome to the Rooster Teeth podcast.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Hey, if you want to help support us, making the show that we do, these just for daddy as episode. If you want to help us fix the gas leak that's in here, apparently. I don't know why it was so funny. Oh, yeah, I mean, you can go to the RTpodcast.com slash first to become a first member. Being a first member helps us out so much. You get to do stuff like Discord hangouts to get to do stuff like watch exclusive RTTV streams or streams that you can comment on that other people can't.
Starting point is 00:02:36 There's also a bunch of really cool content on the site like Grift Show. It's a choice and is it problematic? Yeah. They're coming out on January 13th, which also happens to be my birthday. So check out the video, leave a comment telling me happy birthday and then, or say something mean, either it's fine,
Starting point is 00:02:53 just write in engagement. Yeah. No. All press is good press. All press a matter of, yeah. The longer you stay on the screen, the type that I'm garbage, the more people keep me around.
Starting point is 00:03:08 Gryff showed me truly the worst comment I've ever seen. It was so bad. Give it to me. It was so bad. We were looking at it on the inside gaming livestream. And we had to all mute our mics to talk about it. Yeah. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:03:22 Yeah, it was like one of those things that if you set it on Twitch, I think you'd be reprimanded. Yeah. Oh, man. like one of those things that if you set it on Twitch, I think you'd be reprimanded. Oh, man. And at one point, I thought I was muted and I said one of the slurs in it, but it's one of the ones I can say. And I wasn't muted,
Starting point is 00:03:35 so you can probably find that clip on Twitch. Santa more. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty upsetting, but what the haters don't understand is that actually is engagement. The algorithms cannot tell the difference. We got five extra comments on that video
Starting point is 00:03:48 because you wanted to be a dumbass. It's about to create one of my like, one of the TikToks I posted that did like the best, like got millions of like views and all that shit. It's because I said in there that I am Gen Z, which I think I technically am by like a hair. You're the oldest possible Gen Z. I'm the oldest.
Starting point is 00:04:10 A geriatric Gen Z. He's a geriatric Gen Z. He's Gen Z, atric. Yeah, yeah, I can already feel it in my goddamn bones. But it's a microplastics. Yeah. Yeah. They give me the power.
Starting point is 00:04:23 I can now, now I can talk to bottles. No, they talk to me. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go them only became popular because I said I was Gen Z and everyone in the comments is debating about whether or not I am in Gen Z. Did you say how old you were? Also, okay, I thought they just saw like they were like you're too tall to be Gen Z. Those guys are all 12. Yeah. It's like how old people will call Gen Z millennials because to them that just means like
Starting point is 00:05:00 a young person. Yeah. And then like no, Gen Zs are 40 and still not buying houses. My favorite thing is millennials. Millennials, yeah. My favorite thing is when people call Gen X boomers. Oh, I mean, I call Gen X the y'all got away with it generation. Cause they did a lot of bullshit, but no one blamed them for it.
Starting point is 00:05:19 Yeah. Yeah. My favorite thing about Gen X, yeah, coming for you, Gen X. Is that like they all for the most part, like wanted to be rock stars, didn't have that dream realized, still got in like on the ground floor of good real estate, got rich, but also are sanctimonious and think they're their first generation
Starting point is 00:05:36 to ever recognize problems. Yeah. So they just go, man, the world's fucked up. I can't believe you guys don't see this. It's like the worst. The most sanctimonious pieces of garbage. What would you do about it, guys? Not a thing. They can't believe you guys don't see this. It's like the worst. The most sanctum of his pieces of garbage. What would you do about it, guys? Yeah, not a thing.
Starting point is 00:05:48 They're like, oh, what did I do? Well, I have a rough IRA. What did I do about it? I voted for Obama. That's all I get. And now I can fucking dust my hands of all these problems. What a voted for him a third time if I had a choice. Let me tell you.
Starting point is 00:06:01 But I did vote for Trump. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my god. Let me tell you, but I did move for Trump. Oh my god. Yes, you're the oldest. You're your cusp. Cusp Gen Z. Yeah. Yeah, cusp Gen Z.
Starting point is 00:06:13 And that, that like that engagement that I got from people just arguing over my fucking age is what propelled that to the topic. Yeah. Because the algorithm can't tell the difference between violence and hatred and awful racism and anything that's actually useful. And thank God for that. You know? It's truly great.
Starting point is 00:06:34 Trillion, thanks for the money idiot. It's really great, you know. This is such a... This is a spiteful one. This is a spiteful one. This is our first episode of the New Year. Yeah, we are so back. We're so fucking back. I just got back from a trip to Minneapolis, Minnesota, X-Linsey outfit. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah, they love the Jeff Ramsey out there. Framzy out there. Um, I do.
Starting point is 00:07:03 No, I wasn't joking. They really do. It's a really fun place. I, uh, I like it a lot. I, um, I saw a lot of weird shit while I was there. There's a, okay. All right. Let me hit you guys with this.
Starting point is 00:07:18 Yes. Um, I never grew up in like a nice area, right? Like I didn't grow up in like a shit ass city. Yeah, sure. What do you mean you can't really? I grew up in lovely suburbs all over the world. Beautiful trees. Eventually I lived in the suburbs.
Starting point is 00:07:34 Neighborhood pools. Well, other kids to play with in ride bikes. What do you mean neighborhood pool? Like a community pool rather than like the community pool. Like our subdivision. Yeah, you're like a HOA fee. Yeah, and everyone can use our subdivision. Yeah, you're like a H.O.A. fee and everyone can use a cool pool. Yeah, it's not a public pool. It's a neighborhood. It's a neighborhood.
Starting point is 00:07:50 Why? How is it not the public pool if though? If you're a... Because they will bounce your ass out of there. They will. Taze you. I'd like to see them try. If you live in that neighborhood and you don't pay the H.O.A. fee, you can't use the pool. Yeah, I'd like to see them try with me.
Starting point is 00:08:04 I'm going to jump over that fucking fence and get in there. And I'll be in the water, so taste me. You'll kill all these kids too, idiot. That's how electricity works, right? Sure, I think of this as their time. Yeah. If they taste me well, I was in the water, would I die? He probably.
Starting point is 00:08:18 Probably, right? Or is it different types of electricity? It's the same voltage. The water doesn't increase the voltage somehow. I feel like for some reason, if you're in salt water, it would make it worse. Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:30 None of this is science. Is it salt more? Guys, if you join our $100,000 Patreon tier, we will put Mondo and a pool with a different salt. And then fucking taste me. And either way, I get what I want. Yeah. So my point is, when I was younger,
Starting point is 00:08:47 we didn't live in the greatest neighborhoods. And I feel really put off by the idea in the Midwest that like your neighbors really have your back. Yeah, of course. Because what the Midwest is essentially is a PvE game where the environment is constantly trying to murder you. That's the people, all of it.
Starting point is 00:09:08 No, yeah. There are people that are trying to kill you. I mean, the Midwest breeds serial killers like nothing else. There's something so like, there's something so upsetting about how big America is to me. Or I'm just like, we don't know all the crimes happening. No. We can't possibly, possibly like even just like driving from like Here to New Mexico is just me and being like no one would ever find me. Yeah, it's something no one would know. No, just you disappear Yeah, you just be yes, it's so scary. It's too much land and not enough people. I feel like I keep in secrets
Starting point is 00:09:42 Okay Sorry, he's from Texas. He does that sometimes. Yeah, I don't like that. You sound like the world's scariest fortune cookie. Yeah, I'm from Georgia, so sometimes when I'm on, Benjou, noise is coming. Well, I'm from Los Angeles where you don't have neighbors.
Starting point is 00:09:59 You have every neighbor in Los Angeles is a potential enemy. And that's a sentiment that I really have. Here's a perfect way to explain it. When I was a kid, I remember going on family vacation, like the first family vacation that I can remember in my memory. And we left in the dead of night at three in the morning so that our neighbors wouldn't know that we were leaving
Starting point is 00:10:25 and they wouldn't rob our house. My dad who grew up in a similar situation to you would make us do the exact same thing, would make us pack our bags into the car in the garage. Yeah, yeah. And then leave with the lights off, like the, of the car off. Yeah, the light, yeah, and then tell you're out
Starting point is 00:10:42 of the fucking suburbs. Put it in neutral, push the car out and down the street and start it a block of work car off. Yeah, the light, yeah, and until you're out of the fucking summer, put it in neutral, push the car out down the street and start it a blockbuster. There has never been a trip to the Grand Canyon that should, that is benefits from starting like a refugee leaving their country in the day of night. Yeah. That's not how it's supposed to go.
Starting point is 00:11:00 Road trips are supposed to start with like the sounds of, I don't know, like Bon Jovi or something, not your father going, go go go go go yeah yeah yeah he's supposed to be pod somebody's taking their dog out for a late night walk and your dad just put get arm bars them into a fucking consciousness. Fucking shoots the picks up the poop though. With a little bag.
Starting point is 00:11:29 We're going to New Orleans. The desert's good. It's secret. It's going to be magical. So that was my experience with neighbors. I never liked neighbors because they're always just like in my experience, neighbors are those people that you can't trust and who fuck so Led you can hear them through the walls. Oh, I've never had a good experience with a neighbor or I very rarely have I should say
Starting point is 00:11:56 Neighbors are also in LA. They're just doing weird shit. I told you guys the story right of the time that like Exactly that's my point. I told you guys the story about the time that I overheard my neighbors having sex to the song Boulevard of broken dreams. You've not told me that you only told me about the MS 13 thing. Oh, yeah Here point with an arrow pointing. He was here here. It keeps you're wondering the MS 13 If you're wondering they're a gang not a not a microsoft Yeah All right I'm not I'm not I'm not
Starting point is 00:12:32 I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not Holy shit, I can't stop thinking about a fucking Steve Jobs MS-13 welcome to the future. Have you imagined a Mexican but somehow smaller?
Starting point is 00:13:02 These little guys get everywhere Really suit them in one color, gold. Oh, shit. Oh my god, that's so funny. Yeah, I lived in a neighborhood that was run by MS-13. And it was a really strange time in my life. And one time they spray painted my building. This is a much better story than the Boulevard of Rick and Dreams one. That one, yeah, this is less sad. Yeah, that one was weird again really quick just because he was matching the tempo of Boulevard of Broken Dreams,
Starting point is 00:13:32 which has got to be the worst stroke. That is a... That isn't good. the chorus. Oh, there's no way. Oh, he's, he's, he's, he's a two-strum dumb. He's either doing fucking like the slowest, most half-time-ass stroke game ever, or he has the longest penis you've ever seen. Because it's either a four-four that's like, not that bad, or it's a half.
Starting point is 00:14:03 He always double-timing it and he's like, not that bad, or it's a half. He's double timing it and he's like, I found a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a, a little, a little, a, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a, a little, a little, a little, a, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a little, a, a little, a little, a little, a little, a, a little, a little, a little, a little an apartment building with a bunch of buildings in it and or a bunch of apartments rather. And they MS-13 spray-painted MS-13 snitch on my door because I lived on the first floor on the street. And I got really upset and scared because I don't know what Fox News is told you about MS 13, but they don't like snitches or cops or other neighbors. I think most people are aware of our nation's snitches versus stitches.
Starting point is 00:14:56 Yeah, the correlation. Yes, exactly. It's a line graph that goes directly up. Yeah, exactly. It's a subindiagram of the sinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's snitching stitching and it's a line. Yeah. Anyway, I, yeah, I was like kind of upset about it, but I had formed a pretty good relationship with these people through the time that I lived there. So I went and tried to talk about
Starting point is 00:15:19 it, which is also just a funny premise, just walking over there. So they're just out front. Yeah. Hey. Oh, you didn't have to make a Google cow invite to go talk to her. No, what's funny is it had the same energy as like when one of your neighbors leaves their Christmas ornaments up for too long
Starting point is 00:15:37 and you as the neighborhood block captain have to like go talk to them. I was like, hey guys, how you doing? What's up, J. Rock? You bring them anything? No. Besides a great Jordan Peterson impression. Hello, already crying too. And I asked them, I was like, hey, why did you spray paint that on my building? And they were like, oh, that wasn't, it's the guy above you, like him and like, I don't know, like his baby mama, like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, they just talked like a bunch of stuff
Starting point is 00:16:11 and gave me this whole story and I was like, okay, will you spray painted snitch and MS-13 on the window that's next to my bed? So I really don't feel like. My head is usually there. And that makes me uncomfortable. This is the, I've bought Kevlar Vests to put over my headboard. And this is the opposite of one of those like home protected by stickers.
Starting point is 00:16:36 Oh yeah. It's just like a shoot me sticker. Oh my god. Yeah, it's a target. Yeah, playing a pin the maltov on the stucco. Yeah, playing a pin the maltov on the stucco. But they're fixes my favorite part. Yeah, so they're fixed was not to like cross it out or not to like repaint my fence or my wall or anything. What they did was they just took more spray paint and painted an arrow going up to point to the apartment that they actually meant.
Starting point is 00:17:03 Work smarter, not harder. That's my in listen, it's like, I'm not gonna repaint this. Sure. So, clarify, write a fucking wonka contract in the instructions. No, Arrow, that's all you need. And then I went to the Midwest,
Starting point is 00:17:14 and it was a whole different vibe. Okay. Because the Midwest is so nice that I, as somebody who has never had a good neighbor, get suspicious. For example, while I was there, a man brought my mom, Venison, like just brought it to the house.
Starting point is 00:17:31 Oh, you mean the person he murdered and skinned and then gave to your mother to eat the irritative of the evidence? Exactly. So, some guy who got fargoed. Yeah. That was my first thought, was that it was a murder, that Jeffrey Dahmer lives next to my Jeffrey mother.
Starting point is 00:17:45 Was he fucking Midwest? No, yeah, he was, he asked, but it was like, was constantly something. No, he's like Detroit or Chicago or something. We're gonna find, we'll figure it out. Yeah, somebody is really angrily fucking screaming in their car. Real Evan Peters fan just yelling at us. Yeah, I just realized by the way, that's why I never get mad at hate comments. It's because my house has been spray-painted by Emma's 13
Starting point is 00:18:07 Alright, you can comment on my video is scarier than the thought of being shot in your sleep Milwaukee Milwaukee Yeah, yeah, the good land. No, um, didn't I say Wisconsin? Yeah I'm never been to the middle of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, right? Oh, that's so weird. Jeffrey Dahmer died on your birthday. Oh, are you? Welcome back to Jeffrey Dahmer. I'm going to fuck it. Eat you.
Starting point is 00:18:38 Oh, don't threaten me with a good time. I'm going to draw't threaten me with a good dog. I'm gonna drill a hole in you. All right, enough of that. Enough of that. The point is, is that like the first thought I had was that this guy is murderer. He's a Jeffrey Dahmer.
Starting point is 00:18:55 He's gonna, well, not fuck my mom, but I guess fuck my mom's boyfriend. And then kill him. But then like even putting that aside for a second, like, that's the most mobster threat shit I've ever heard of, of like bringing over perfectly good meat and handing it to somebody and going, I killed this.
Starting point is 00:19:16 I killed this with my hands and I want you to have it. I have a gun to murder. I have knives to skin and disem- and dismember and cut through bone. I have the means to get rid of the blood and I have a place to do. Yeah, it's very threatening. And then he looked in my mom's boyfriends eyes and he went, I provide for your family. And then he sunk back into the bushes. Yeah, no, he came in that that chair.
Starting point is 00:19:40 Settin his chair used his glass drink the rest of his beer his warm beer. He drank his milkshake. Yeah, I was even drinking a milkshake. I think he got it from the trash. Absolutely stupid. Yeah, anyone's or fun. Those, that was like, it's such a strange culture down there
Starting point is 00:20:01 because that guy has written on the back of his van like on the window and also not like professionally done. I mean with like one of those window markers. He has written down a mobile deer butcher call me now and then his phone number which is not a job. No. That is writing on the back of your car. I have a fucking knife. Yeah, and I need to In here in my car right now Okay, how many he works for deer dash stupid cut that shit Can we cut that out and put it at the beginning of the episode?
Starting point is 00:20:42 And not what I figured out we're laughing it is I think we were laughing at the idea of dog piss in the bag and that's what got us. No, I'm being honest with you. I was laughing because he said it to a person. You know, second dog bitch. It's not shit. It's so funny to say. Tyler, I'm producer. Sweet as man. Tyler, our producer. Sweet as man. Sweet boy type. Yeah, a fucking, the physical manifestation
Starting point is 00:21:09 of a Midwestern neighbor. Tyler, it's like a human version of those little sprites from the new, the boy in the hair and jubilee movie. Yeah. The glue that keeps it's fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Second dog, pissing dog.
Starting point is 00:21:23 Jippie, very nice. And telling us what we need to do and then we go fuck off Stupid piece of shit My god, I Yeah, I had I had fun in the Midwest the only thing that I didn't like is I got pulled over a couple of times In rural Minnesota if it makes you feel better. It doesn't which I don't know for that continue But I will say Maybe is the beer it might have been the beer. I maybe it wasn't a Mexican thing. Yeah I'm taking a look at my outfit.
Starting point is 00:22:06 You look either like a really shit. Like what is the Jewish version of a youth bastard? Or like you're about to say, I'll luckily put my brother's in the closet. That was the name of the lake. I can get there. I couldn't get the red shoes laughing right through there. You know that you're about to tell me about the
Starting point is 00:22:22 tell me about black is real There is There's a ring a red bow tie under that's Nobody does All right hold on let's start again. Oh, welcome to the RT podcast. I'm Armando X There we go There we go. Why do you have this on? I don't know I think you were here and you just put it on out of instant. No, no, no, no, here's the worst part about it.
Starting point is 00:22:49 I went outside to all the bins of merchandise that we have and I grabbed the biggest thing that I saw, which was it was a pillowcase for a body pillow featuring Jeff Ramsey. I don't think that's the Jeff one. Yeah, because we, I'm sorry, we have a Jeff body pillow. No, we have one of all of the age members from a time period. I have the jack one.
Starting point is 00:23:14 Yeah, and I, no, no. What? Yeah, of these, you think you're still on beds? Uh, probably quite a bit. Yeah. How many of the things you think you're still on beds on the floor, not on our friend? Cause like, when he said Tyler came up and just looked at me and did like, I'm a fucking Velociraptor.
Starting point is 00:23:42 Yeah, he's Christophe Pr, like, doing the Chris Pratt and then goes, calm down. No, I'm asking because I've been, I go to, I'm a weeb. I should have animated him in his old time, I'll talk like, stuff at animated conventions and I'm like, why do I have two katanas now? I'm not gonna display these katanas, I'm grout grout katanas.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Whoa. Yeah. What do you mean? Like, like, like, swords. Yeah. From a convention. I know what katanas are. Yeah. I'm wearing the the the body pillow scacing. Yeah. And I bought body pillows. But like, you know, I don't always I don't know that I live with a partner. I'm not gonna have my whatever redacted fandom body pillow on the bed. I don't like explaining that. Why not? Why?
Starting point is 00:24:29 Because she's felt the touch of a woman. Yeah, actually. Several. Recipro. Yeah. And I've conned that. Nice. Nice. Nice.
Starting point is 00:24:43 From the homey. Nice. From the showrunner. Calm down. I've been inside a woman and I have several katanas just around my house. You have a lot of load bearing katanas. They're holding up like lamps. If you move them, they'll whole thing goes down. House of luxury.
Starting point is 00:25:03 I have a whole fucking stack of show and jump. Just fucking holding my bathroom together. They should be the best day of the month. Yeah. Showing and jump day, fuck. I don't know what that is. Well. So it was a magazine you could buy that it's,
Starting point is 00:25:17 show and jump is a manga distributor. So they make the manga, but they also have this monthly magazine that would have one or two chapters of books that were being printed at the time. So you could read them one or two chapters at a time every month. And it was sick, and I loved it. And I think that was the last time I was happy. Now, did that, was it, so was that like newsletter, like just one or two chapters, or was it like also like kind of like a catalog?
Starting point is 00:25:46 Like here's what's like coming out. Or it would be like, it'd be like, so like, so like I remember it would be like, okay, so Naruto's out, so like here's chapters 13 through 15 of Naruto, but guess what? And new things coming out, so here's a six page preview and full color in the back. You should buy it when it comes out.
Starting point is 00:26:02 Okay, cause I was on a, it would be, they were serialized. I gotcha. I was like, I was, what I imagine in my head was maybe like, maybe a joy I don't think I'll ever feel again, which is the innocence of waiting for the Sunday newspaper, Toys R.S. Catalaw. Yes.
Starting point is 00:26:19 To come in the mail, around the holiday. It's literally that. It's when it would come, it was like eight pages thick. Yes. Full color. Yes. Both double-paged. Oh my gosh.
Starting point is 00:26:30 It was literally that feeling. That feeling. And then also, like, I'm glad you said that, because I need you to know that the pages were printed on like newspaper, like manga paper. So it was like real tactile. Yeah. It all of it felt like Bible paper, like a rolling paper, which are one in the same.
Starting point is 00:26:48 You can use the Bible to roll up a fucking joint, dude. Try it. And you can subscribe to our first. Yeah, go use the family Bible right now. She's your least favorite passage. It's a part of that. I, real quick, on the topic of neighbors, I promise I can get off this if we need to.
Starting point is 00:27:05 Oh, no, it's your podcast. No, it's not. Not anymore. Now it's Jeff's podcast. Oh, that's his face. They're all Jeff's podcasts. I'm just getting word that our numbers have gone through the roof. What?
Starting point is 00:27:18 Jeff's podcast. That's great. Yeah. Well, we just got to work it into like, we got a mix like, fuck, face, and rooster teeth podcasts together. What have we started calling it fuck rooster teeth? Oh, not the list, do that. They might, we'll bleep it out. It'll be fuck, and then our apostrophe, stirtief.
Starting point is 00:27:36 There it is. We got it. Or we're making the two O's a big ol' set of anime titties. That could be awesome. Honestly, have we thought about doing that? Can we do that? Can we do that? Can we get a graphic design in here?
Starting point is 00:27:48 Can we face and keep going? Can we start putting this show on porn hub? Yeah. So you set that and I don't know. You set that. No, don't laugh. You set that. Tyler keeps coming out.
Starting point is 00:28:01 Tyler. You made me the fucking call. Tyler, we can't be stopped. I think we should buy ad space on porn hub. I absolutely think we should. I think we should buy ad space on porin hub. I absolutely think we should. I think we should buy, I want to buy, we should buy a banner ad on porin hub and it's the photo shoot we did that everyone thought was an engaging fish shoot. Do you know how many times I... I'm fucking do it.
Starting point is 00:28:11 Do you know how many? Well, there is no reason. There's literally no reason not to. We should, we don't even have to talk to the company. We can just do it. I don't need permission to do that. Yeah. And if we ask them to do it, they'll just say, they're gonna be like, they're gonna be like, There's literally no reason not to. We should, we don't even have to talk to the company.
Starting point is 00:28:25 We can just do it. I don't need permission to do that. Yeah. And if we ask them to do it in 40 seconds, yes. We already have the image. We did that joke on the last one. Oh, the podcast.
Starting point is 00:28:35 Fuck, man. Why are we not doing this? I'm going to email porn hope from my work account. Yeah, please do. I thought about this all the time. I'm like, why are we not taking out ad space on like the worst spots? Sure. We could be taking out ad space on like 4chan, I'm porn hub, X videos, XNX, XNX. Red tube, I'm Guns N'Ninces,
Starting point is 00:28:56 Red tube. Tucker Carlson's ad spots are probably hella cheap. Oh, we could get Tucker, we could get- We're the first right wing left wing pocket. We could get Alex Jones. There's no way info wars. I know is that it. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, he he's one of our co-workers. Girlfriends. X. Okay. And then met him in a bar. And we were talking and he was like, I work, I work at I work for Alex Jones and in four words,
Starting point is 00:29:25 those look, that's crazy. Let's have a conversation. And he was like, Ruger Steve, yeah. Yeah, my ex-girlfriends dating a dude that works there. And I was like, oh, what's his name? And he said, he said, redacted. And I said, oh, yeah, that guy's the chillest, coolest guy I know. And he looked at me and he swole this cup. And he was like, oh yeah, that guy's the chillest, coolest guy I know. And he looked at me and he swore this cop and he was like, oh.
Starting point is 00:29:47 Damn. Yeah, I saw his Instagram. He seemed pretty cool. There's nothing better than him. Oh. Like, he was hoping I was gonna be like, that guy fucking sucks. No. So I'm gonna hit him up and see if we can get some ads
Starting point is 00:30:02 for some knowledge. No, I mean, one thing's for sure, when you defame families of dead children, you owe a lot of money. So I don't think he turned down on ad dollars. The CRM's gonna be cheapest hell. It's gonna be a $1 CPS. It's gonna be an ads for like,
Starting point is 00:30:18 sawdust pills, us and then like, meal prep like survival buckets or whatever the fully sober. Yeah, colloidal silver, all the stuff that we wouldn't touch with the 10 foot pole, but we'll be sandwiched in between. I love this idea. This can't mess. You know what the real tragedy is that you're not listening to the Rooster Teeth podcast. Hi, I'm Alex Joe. Hi, I'm Alex Joe. I got bitten by a
Starting point is 00:30:43 radioactive tomato somewhere around 2012. I don't know what the fuck happened You know he stuck doing that voice Wait, have you guys heard his early voice? Yeah, he did it to sound like brush limbaugh and now he's just stuck in it Yeah, he's not going that boy. Yeah, He had a normal voice at one point in his life. Yeah. He's layering the cable guy, but for politics. I think I'm gonna say for racism, but. They're both racist.
Starting point is 00:31:15 Oh my God. Oh my God. 120 million daily visitors and growing, but not showing. Yeah. Yeah. Damn, that was really good. I'm going to create an advertiser account now. Yeah, you do that, and then we'll focus on this thing.
Starting point is 00:31:33 I think personally that we should use this time to think of ways to improve the podcast. I think rule number one that we should do is better advertising. We get stuff on porn hub, we get stuff on Alex Jones's site. Secondly, I think more dynamic guests. I think we get a couple of people on. I'm thinking people like Cat Williams. And Alex Jones. Yes, absolutely. We need, we need, we need the America's funniest truth tellers
Starting point is 00:32:02 to just like come on and just like drop bombs that completely agagus as interviewers. God, in case all of your friends wear hay dudes, which you know what I'm saying with that. And you don't know who Cat William sits. He's a legendary comedian who went on, who's that sharps podcast? Yeah, I think so.
Starting point is 00:32:23 God, Jesus. And just started talking about like talking shit about some of the most famous black comedians. Yeah. And a lot of the kings of comedy. And they're weird face light skinned wives, which I'm getting tattooed on my chest because oh my God, it's the funniest thing
Starting point is 00:32:42 I've heard in my entire life. They're weird face. He said, you see, like when you sign with these guys you get a TV show You get a stand-up special and you get a weird a weird face lightskin wife who've no one's ever heard speaking at interview In the 20 years you've been with her It's and then I saw this on the TikToks So I'm posted a compilation of all of those dudes and They're wives. I'm gonna have to say cats not wrong fucking accurate surgically. Oh my god Fucking insane my favorite part about cat Williams is that if you're unfamiliar with cat Williams
Starting point is 00:33:18 Everything he does makes him feel like an old Maybe used to do drugs uncle. He's constantly talking shit. He's constantly saying things where he's like, well, you know, the others are conspiring against me and it's cat Williams isn't where cat Williams should be because they're coming after me. And you're like, okay, Cat Williams, you're an insane person.
Starting point is 00:33:42 And then he goes, here's a video about it. And then you're like, oh, Kat, well, you're an insane person. And then he goes, here's a video about it. And then you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah. It's like, it's, yeah, it's, he's got the energy because like, he did, he, did he used to be a dick, the certain drug substances? Yes, absolutely. But those that make him wrong. No, no, does that discredit him?
Starting point is 00:33:59 Absolutely not. I think he makes him more correct. I think- Even a clock addicted to crack is right twice as heavy. That's very think- Even a clock addicted to crack is right twice the test. But today, that's very true. Even a clock addicted to crack will swing on anyone. Actually, I think it's- I think it's right like 16 times the day show up.
Starting point is 00:34:14 I think it's going so fast. Yeah. Very good. Cat Williams might be my favorite comedian. Yeah. The Pim Chronicles change my life. Oh. Change my entire life.
Starting point is 00:34:25 He is. He has a, I don't even know if you would call it a cameo, a small role in one episode of Atlanta. Yeah. He plays the alligator man. Yes. And it is, I think my favorite character in the entirety of that show.
Starting point is 00:34:43 You know what our Hadood's fans would know him from. He's a Pimp name slipback. Slickback. He is a Pimp name slipback in the Boundox. Which you don't know from the Boundox. You know from the song sampling the Boundox. On TikTok currently. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:58 Trending as of January 24. Where all those kids are doing the like, Slidy dance. Yeah. Yeah, the floaty doing the like, slidey days. Yeah. Yeah. The loading slidey dance. I showed that video, by the way, to Andrew the other day, like last year.
Starting point is 00:35:11 I don't know why I said the other day. I showed it to him. And he, last year's eight days ago. He grabbed my wrist to look at the video closer and went, how do you do that? It was the funniest reaction to that. And you're with a bird, which is. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What happened? How do you do that? It was the funniest reaction to that. And you're what a burned witch is.
Starting point is 00:35:26 Oh yeah. Yeah, what happened? You fucking Midwestern has a neighbor. Oh, that's, I want that to start as being a new way to tell people that they're fucking crazy. The next time you have a friend that says something outland, it's just go, okay, you fucking Milwaukee neighbor Jesus. That might be the worst because again, J.Dommer. Yeah. Where's Gacy? Gacy was the main West. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:54 Yeah. And then you have the Chicago Rippers. What was that? An awesome AAA ball team. But we mustn't forget the different girl and and I like to have a girl and I later The reviews are in and I'm fabulous Oh, I hate myself. Most of the time, shaving feels like a chore. It's time consuming, and if I'm using a cheap razor, which, let's be honest, is the case for most of the time, I always end up with a few nicks and cuts by the time that
Starting point is 00:36:45 I'm done shaving. That is why you have to meet Henson shaving. They are a family-owned aerospace parts manufacturer that has made parts for the International Space Station and Mars Rover. And now they are bringing precision engineering to your shaving experience. By using aerospace grade machines, Henson makes metal razors that extend less than the thickness of a human hair, which means that you get a secure and stable blade with a vibration-free shave. That sounds absolutely wonderful.
Starting point is 00:37:15 Henson shaving wants the best razor, not the best razor business. That means no plastic, no subscriptions, no proprietary blades, and no planned obsolescence. Plus, it is affordable. Once you own a Henson razor, it is only about $3 to $5 per year to replace the blades. $3 to $5. Can you even get one razor, a single razor and for that price, that's absolute insanity. I have used Henson shaving products for a while now. They sent me a razor, it's in the really cool like black metal. It's so easy to switch out the razor blades, which I'm gonna be honest with you. Razor blades scare me Whenever I see them, I get really scared.
Starting point is 00:38:06 And so when I saw them at first, I was like, I don't know about this, but the device is so easy to switch out the blades. It makes it no problem. I've never once hurt myself. Everything has been totally good. And the savings that I've had have been absolutely wild. Look, I don't shave my beard a lot, but I trim up the sides.
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Starting point is 00:39:53 Uh, I didn't get pulled over. Nice. Um, which rocks. Yeah. I love them. I love them. But you're, but you're half Mexican too. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:02 Seek. Yeah. Max. Yeah. I'm, I'm the fucking blade of Mexicans all of their strengths none of their weaknesses they're still they walk yeah yeah it's the fucking Oh, that was killing me. Yeah. Oh, weather. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:29 Chunkier. Chunk, yeah. Oh, that's table side, baby. That is fresh. Yeah. Did you do anything? No, because my parents live so close. My family was so close.
Starting point is 00:40:41 I just get to go down for the day. This is the brilliant thing about having parents or a family that lives like an hour and a half away. Is it close enough to visit? What? But it's not close. Yeah, why are you laughing? What did he say that was so fucking funny? There was just a pause in the way you said it. And it sounded like you said, that's a beauty of having parents. That's a beauty of having parents. You should try it. I don't gonna visit them anytime I want. Cause they're both alive. Actually, my dad's dead.
Starting point is 00:41:08 Anyway, the beauty of having them an hour and a half away is that it's close enough to go visit for a day but not close enough for a pop-in. Yeah. Cause like, you have to make a day of it. You have to, yeah, exactly. There's like logistics that have to be implemented. Submarine keys need to be turned.
Starting point is 00:41:26 Like things need to happen. Maconations need to be implemented. If you're an hour and a half away, 45 minutes, you could get a call like, hey, I'm outside. I thought we could have lunch. Oh, and listen, I love my family, but I can't be having pop-ins. I know. That's not my vibe. That's a lie.
Starting point is 00:41:42 No. Cause I do know my friends who have family members that do pop in that's no granted It's seen now granted a lot of them at this point do have children Okay, which is like the grandparents come by for like a pop in like you want that though You kind of want that you kind of want the pop in that that boy. Yeah, I feel like if I was Living that life right and I had that And somebody came over to my house unannounced. I would shoot them.
Starting point is 00:42:08 I think I would be so upset by that. Please never do that. Never ever do that. I don't even want my friends to do that. Never call me. No, no, you can text me for a day in advance. That's it. That's what everyone has.
Starting point is 00:42:24 And if I do it 23, you charge me a reservation fee. Yeah. $80. I learned about the castle doctrine last week. What is this? You know, is that what it's called? It's isn't the castle doctrine sort of like Stan your ground law.
Starting point is 00:42:39 It's like Stan your ground, but your car. Where your car is an extension of your home or your household. So if you fill that in in your car, you can kill someone. Are you how threatened? Castle doctrine is a legal doctrine that protects the rights of a homeowner to use deadly force to defend their home against an intruder. It was first passed in Florida and expanded to California
Starting point is 00:43:03 the legislation. The word. It, helmet, I'm gonna look up. Of course it was passed in Florida and expanded to California. The legislation. The word. Ha ha ha. And I'm going to look at this. Of course it was passed in Florida. You can have sex with your car in Florida. Yeah. In reasonable, when the actor reasonably fears imminent peril of death or serious, serious bodily harm to him or herself or another, that's crazy.
Starting point is 00:43:22 And it has a much lower burden of proof. So you can just be like, I really take my word for it. Yeah, I can shoot somebody and put them in my car and then tell Phelice Officer, he was in the car. I was in my car and then he looked, to me, I thought he was trying to get in my car. And I didn't tell him do that, vampire rules.
Starting point is 00:43:47 Yeah, sir. You are an Uber driver and they were the fair and they left me a $2 tip. So I don't know what you're trying to say. I'm not threatened by that. And that threatened my income, which is part of my home, which I use to feed my family and everything.
Starting point is 00:44:03 So it was a threat to my home and- So I hope them. So I hope them. So I hope this is. So I emptied 15 rounds in our back. I reloaded it. That's such a terrible, awful thing to do by the way. I know we're joking and laughing at it, but like, please don't kill anyone.
Starting point is 00:44:23 And also don't like, I, that's so weird. And some cases your vehicle, that's crazy. Are they calling it the castle doctrine because it's somebody's name or are they comparing my fucking 2018 Honda Accord? Has there ever been a statue that sounds more like a like 5 p.m. CBS dad show? Yeah. Coming up next on Castle. Nathan Billy is absolutely starting in the castle. I think he does a show called Castle. Yeah, it's because it's a show called Castle. That's what my fucking brain clicked off of. Yeah. Coming up right after Jag, it's Castle Doctrine. I can't believe we had a show called Jag.
Starting point is 00:45:06 I know it's a like law. I know it's a law thing for the Marines or whatever, but yeah. I just don't think, I just don't think he should be allowed to kill people over property. Yeah, I think that's really crazy. Is that crazy of me? No, I think it's, I think it's reasonable.
Starting point is 00:45:21 I just feel like it shouldn't be allowed. I was watching, I started watching a show called Carol and the End of the World on Netflix. Oh, yeah. A cartoon that I thought was gonna be just like a cute little fun time. No, I knew from, I knew from how it was drawn that color palette on the fucking loading screen.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Yeah. That's a sad show. That was like, that's a, that's a moon. What's the one about death? Yeah, it is. Oh, midnight. Well, like, this is a real midnight gospel of a show. This is a real Bojack horseman. I'm not ready. This is a really infinity train. It's maybe closer to infinity train. It does feel nicer, but it okay. For those of you that are unaware of Carol in the end of the world, the premise of the show is that there is a giant, a planetary like thing, a celestial object heading towards Earth, and it will destroy Earth in about 11 months. And it is unstoppable. There's nothing they can be done. They can't reverse it. They can't get us off of it.
Starting point is 00:46:20 They can't arm again. I can't blow it up. It's just, it's not a story about fixing the problem. It's a story about coming to terms with the problem. Obviously, representation of how is human beings. We all have a small amount of time. What do you do with it, et cetera? It just makes it more on the forefront. Sure. Everything's ending.
Starting point is 00:46:37 So obviously, that show is at times a little heavy. But one thing that I've been noticing throughout the show that I really like is that, I think it's in the pilot. She gets a letter from the CEO of a bank who's just like, please stop paying your debt, okay? We're all gonna die.
Starting point is 00:46:56 I should have never let you pay debt in the first place. This is stupid. What we did was stupid, and I cannot apologize enough for what I did to you in making you live a life that makes you feel like you have to do this. And basically just freeze her from debt. Money is no longer an object.
Starting point is 00:47:14 If you want to do something and it doesn't hurt anybody else, you can, people are skydiving off of skyscrapers, people drive tanks through the streets. If they've shown that if you just want something, just go to a store and take it. If it doesn't belong to somebody specifically, it's fine. It's a polite purge. Yeah, the polite purge is a great way to put it. Because in my mind, I was thinking like they have not at all at any point in the show referenced like crime or murders or like sexual crime or like just crimes of violence and shit going up, which I feel like would would go a lot more.
Starting point is 00:47:57 And then my partner posed this idea of like, well, you mentioned that money is no longer a problem. And studies show that like because of money money so many things like so many crimes That's why crime that majority of crimes like even the majority of murders happen over power and money Yeah, so you get real condition Money is the root of all evil are you saying? Mo money mo problems. I feel like they're saying Mo money mo problems I I think I think you know I need to think you need to copyright money is the root of all evil
Starting point is 00:48:28 Because that seems like well, it is we're gonna be hopping on that It is wild that no one's No, but my point is is like if you thought if you think we that like we got rid of All money and the need for it. Do you really, do you think that things would go, do you have an optimistic or a pessimistic viewpoint of the world, is I guess my question? I would like, I would like to pause at this. Sure.
Starting point is 00:48:55 I think that in a world where money does not exist, people who currently are living in more like poor poverty situations will thrive in the ultra wealthy will suffer. Because I think in more like poor poverty situations, will thrive in the ultra-wealthy will suffer. Because I think in order to become ultra-wealthy, you have to have something insanely wrong with you, mentally, and that if you create a world where money no longer has any value, they will not know how to cope, and that people who have not had access to a bunch of money will have so much stress and burden removed from them. Like I feel like a universal basic income would improve society so much that it can't be done because of people at the top wouldn't know how to feel
Starting point is 00:49:32 good about it. Because if they can't have more money than someone, then how are they going to be able to pay someone $10 a day to like clean their house or whatever makes them feel good that day? That's a good point. But everyone else, the 99% of everyone I think would not be bad. I always joke and say I think people are inherently bad and evil, but I think some people are so bad
Starting point is 00:49:54 and evil it makes the rest of us look bad. I was talking about some real curve records. Yeah, some real movies. I was talking with my partner about how like the first thing that popped into my mind like if I was gonna write this would be the crime that would happen. And I think it would be so funny to write a story about basically like think MS 13. And then this happens and it's like, hey guys, you no longer have to do this crime shit. Like do whatever you want.
Starting point is 00:50:23 You don't have to do it anymore. They've built there. They are essentially the 1%. Yeah. But in gang terms, and I would love to see what they would do. You know, just like gangs basically being like, I guess territory means nothing. Yeah. I guess all this killing was for nothing. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:40 I guess I don't know. Castle's doctrine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Blow. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Now, it's like, you know, I find shows that basically present a scenario that like essentially fundamentally shifts. And I mean, all caps fundamentally shifts, the collective priorities.
Starting point is 00:50:59 So yeah, that's essentially it. Like, what your bassist motivations now shift to when, sort of the thing kind of hammering your survival drive every day is get money, provide a life, eat, sleep, shelter. Your hierarchy of needs kind of like rearranges a little bit. Because even, I feel like people would argue like, okay, hierarchy of needs kind of like rearranges a little bit. Like I presented with that scenario. Even I feel like people would argue like, okay, well, if no one has to work for anything,
Starting point is 00:51:31 then who's gonna do stuff so that other people can have a functioning society? I positive this, I think it would be really fun to be a farmer. Yeah. I think that'd be sick as hell. But you know. It is hard fucking work.
Starting point is 00:51:43 No, it is. But like, no, I'm just saying like, but there's people who like, fucking work. No, it is, but like, I love it. But like, no, I'm just saying like, but there's people who like, they wanna be, they wanna go do a ranch, they wanna have a farm, they wanna do, oh, the one with Kyle, they wanna ride a horsey, but they can't, cause they have to have a big corporate job
Starting point is 00:51:56 to pay for everything, they don't wanna do that. You also only in this scenario, by the way, in the scenario where we're having it. It's not like they handed down universal basic income. No. Nothing matters. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you really only have to farm for like six months.
Starting point is 00:52:10 Yeah. So it doesn't even matter. Like exactly. Like it's like, ah, my first tomato shadow. Yeah. But like, wouldn't that feel better than not having that first tomato and having to go to your banker job every day? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:52:24 It's a, this a this look or whatever. The show is really interesting. I do like that they do certain stuff. Doon 2 still hasn't come out. Oh no, the Siga, the Siga remasters haven't dropped. That's the only thing keeping me alive is playing jet set radio in 2025. After that, I'm out. Oh, you haven't seen Dune 2?
Starting point is 00:52:46 No. Dune 2 much Molly, baby. Let's go. Yeah. Let's go, baby. Woo. Woo. My serotonin's gone.
Starting point is 00:52:59 Thanks for hanging out with us. We're not done, by the way, I should say. Thanks for hanging out with us. If you see an ad for this show on PornHub or Alex Jones, click on it. Yeah. Click on it. Tell people about it. Share it. Show everybody that you know that's in your general vicinity. And yeah, but hey, look, here's a deal. Last year was rough. We've been in this year for eight days and it's also bad. Pretty bad.
Starting point is 00:53:25 The news is terrible, everything is awful, and so we tried to make it a little bit better by bringing back always on. Whoa! Let's go, baby. Jokes, baby, jokes. And again, it is time for my favorite segment, first time of the new year,
Starting point is 00:53:43 first time that we're back doing it after all these prerecords. I don't know if you've been paying attention, but the news is terrible. And so we've taken a bunch of headlines and turned them into punchlines. And hopefully that'll make it a little bit better. We're doing our world famous circle joke. Yes. It's where Griff sits in the middle is two burly men joke off around her. That's right.
Starting point is 00:54:08 So I wanted to be a more less, I wanted you to less passive participant. Sure, sure. So I was joking the joke off. And I was gonna, I was trying to write a joke about that lotion that tracks spiders. Yeah, that's stormin' juice here about that. I know about the lotion that like Wolf spiders love.
Starting point is 00:54:25 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay, so I had to like a really good, because I had the parts, I had like text Avery Wolf, I had Spider-Man, I had woman lotion. I swear to God, if you do something like she, she, she, she lotion my in until I spider. No.
Starting point is 00:54:43 No. No. Till I'm in spider. To let the whip. No, it's just that I was trying to find the article for it but they all have spiders. Yeah. They all have spiders in the, pictures of spiders and I had to click away.
Starting point is 00:54:56 And it made my stomach hurt and I had to click out so I didn't get the right to show. I think that's why I didn't see it. It's because any news article that it would have been part of would have had a picture of a spider And I would have immediately got nope and they're all old spiders, which is the worst Yeah, see it's the worst kind of look at it's the most harmless and worse to look at yeah, so I guess you guys are just gonna have to joke off without me Oh, sorry, okay, well no worries. Andrew. Do you want to kick us off? Let's do it folks
Starting point is 00:55:22 The CEO of Lulu Lemon is facing backlash over negative comments blasting the company's diversity and inclusion efforts. I don't know why anyone's surprised. If you're wearing Lulu Lemon, your phone automatically dials 911 if you're near a Popeye. You know the reason why they called it Lulu Lemon, right? I do. Yeah. If you don't Google it.
Starting point is 00:55:44 Google it. It sucks. All right. Whatever you don't Google it Google it. It sucks Whatever you're thinking it's worse. It's worse. It's worse as you could possibly imagine. Okay Last week in Florida Duncan Donuts toilet exploded injuring a customer and leaving them absolutely filthy and when it asked for comment the toilet responded Yeah, how do you like it? Huh People been exploding over me for 23 years. Ha, ha, ha, toilets time for revenge. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, folks. Uh, some news from the skies. Part of the fuselage of an Alaska Airlines 737 Max passenger aircraft fell off during
Starting point is 00:56:30 a flight to press our eggs in the cabin and requiring an emergency landing. This is what happens when you wish on a monkey's paw to join the mile high club and get your black blown out. Fuck, I fucked up the fucking bus line. God damn it. Take it again. Fuck. I also call it getting my black damn it! Take it again, fuck! I also call it getting my black blow now.
Starting point is 00:56:48 Take it again, God damn it, I can't believe I didn't land the plane on that one, so to speak. Ooh! Awesome news from the skies. Part of the fuselage of an Alaska Airlines 737 Max, pass into your aircraft, fell off during a fight, depressurizing the cabin, and required an emergency landing. This is what happens when you wish on a monkey's paw to join the mile high club and get your black... Oh my god!
Starting point is 00:57:09 Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!
Starting point is 00:57:18 Keep it in. I gotta get it! You hit it! You hit it! You hit it! You hit the gist! Oh shit! Oh, should I do it one more time? Is it even should I fucking do it one more time hit it?
Starting point is 00:57:28 There's times there's alarm. I'm too much. Oh my god. Oh Christ Jesus Christ. Okay. Get your back blown out. Back blown out. Back blown out. Watch me. Back blown. Back blown. Back blown. Back blown.
Starting point is 00:57:50 Back blown. All right, let's go. And now some news from the skies. Part of the fuselage on Alaska Airlines, 737 Max page in your aircraft fell off during the flight, depressurizing the cabin and required an emergency landing. This is what happens when you wish on a monkey's paw to join the My High Club and have your back blown out. Very good. Oh my god, fighting for my damn life, through the last sentence of that.
Starting point is 00:58:25 That's good. I want to keep it that way. I've been crumbling, trembling, laughing, through that fucking joke. Do you want us to keep it all the other ones? No.
Starting point is 00:58:33 Can we release that cut by itself? Please. That'll be a closer clip of me fucking it up twice and then finally landing it. Yeah. Oh my God. All right.
Starting point is 00:58:42 Oh my God. Okay. Here's a little cut to the wide really quick. Sometimes Armando forgets to write Oh my God. All right. Oh my God. Mm. Okay. Here's a little cut to the wide really quick. Sometimes Armando forgets to write his jokes. And so he writes them right before we do these, these little, these fun little recordings. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:58:56 I feel really good and confident about two of my jokes. This one in the middle, I just wrote, and it's not very good. Love that. Please show it to me. Yeah. Recently undisclosed flight locks from Epstein sex islands have revealed more and more guests
Starting point is 00:59:15 that regularly visited the island. And I just like to get ahead of it and say, yes, I was there, but it was for a layover. Okay. I was on my way to Chicago. It was 200 bucks cheaper if I stopped there. Oh, the little saint, you had a fucking little saint, James stopover.
Starting point is 00:59:34 Yeah, I don't think his name was James, though. I think it was Peter. Please move on. Oh my God. Oh, man, really, really coming out so hot in the new year with this always on segment, Jesus Christ. Okay. In a related story to the last joke I told,
Starting point is 00:59:52 an iPhone that was sucked out of the Alaska Airlines, 737 Max Plane, fell 16,000 feet and still works. The only reason the phone didn't shatter on impact is Apple purposely slowed down the phone speed. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Oh, man.
Starting point is 01:00:11 Ah. I've never been jealous of an iPhone, but I too would like to get sucked out at 16,000 feet. Whoo. Boy. Alright. Joe Koi or the Filipino Kevin Hart. Hahaha. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, Joe Koi or the Filipino Kevin Hart.
Starting point is 01:00:25 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But bombed hard at the 2024 Golden Globes after getting booed, the host decided to blame his writers. And I don't know about you, but this has me thinking about another writer's strike. As in, I hope these writers strike him down in the fucking parking lot. Fuck you, joke boy.
Starting point is 01:00:49 Give him a good old blanket party outside. Oh. Those are the jokes. That was it. My God. Oh, Griff. Yeah. Is it, I think that's a six-way tie for last.
Starting point is 01:01:03 No, right. I'm not, hey, we're gonna start the year off like this indecisive, you both win. Yeah. If I wanna say your best joke, I guess it's an Andrew, Andrew is called back. And for you, it's gonna have to be, I don't know, I guess you implicating yourself.
Starting point is 01:01:23 Okay. Okay. That's fair. Well, I'll never be seen again. I just got a calendar invite from the Clintons for my own suicide. I can see you all next week if I'm still alive. But if you do see me, it's not me. It's a fucking actor, all right? The real amount of dives. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:45 On January 11th, 2024. Alright everybody thank you so much we've had a wonderful time. I've been Armando. I've been Andrew. And I'm delighted. And we'll see you next week. Next week maybe. Bye.

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