rSlash - r/Bestof I Punched a Guy in a Gorilla Suit

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:12 Pranking 7:00 Comment 7:09 Getting away 12:12 Comment 12:28 Bully Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Is that because you don't have any knees or? Ah, the ScoreBet trusted sports content, seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 plus Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, where we have a weird story involving a clown, a man in a gorilla suit and multiple broken noses. Our next reddit post comes from r slash relationships. My girlfriend of two years has had this male friend for a while.

His name is Declan and I'm not his biggest fan, but I didn't want to impede on the friendship. So my girlfriend told me last week that Declan pranked her by calling her up and pretending to be Jack Nicholson with one of those soundboards. So now she wants to get him back. As a joke, the next time we were over at his place, she used his landline to call a sex hotline that charged by the minute. And then she just left the phone there. Declan got charged like 200 bucks for it.

So Declan strikes back at her again. He comes over to her place for a party that she was throwing, then hides this creepy decapitated doll in her closet. She finds it, freaks out, but then starts laughing. Now my girlfriend wants to prank Declan even harder. So she knows that he's scared of clowns and she literally makes this giant paper mache clown statue that's hollow on the inside. She wants to put it in his house, apparently his roommate will let her in or something,

then hide inside of it all night and pop out of it as soon as he notices it. So I tell her this seems a little extreme, but she does it anyways. Fast forward to that night. I get a call from my girlfriend because Declan apparently punched her in the face as soon as he saw her pop out of the clown thing. Totally as a knee-jerk reaction because he didn't know that it was her. Her nose wound up getting broken and she had to go to the hospital. Now she's fine, but she still wants to continue pranking Declan.

At this point, should I put my foot down? She's actually getting injured and it makes me wonder if she just likes being around him so much that she's using the pranks as an excuse. Then 16 hours later, OP posted an update. I talked to my girlfriend about Declan and I told her that the pranks are getting dangerous, and she's unreasonably close to a guy that she's only known for such a short amount of time. She refers to him as her brother and her BFF, but it's literally been like 5 months. I thought that she would react in a mature way, but instead she said, This is why I am always pranking Declan. At least Declan has a good sense of humor.

I wouldn't even need to hang out with Declan if you weren't so uptight. So at least now I have confirmation that she hangs out with Declan specifically because she thinks that I'm not good enough. We wind up having a screaming match, and the doorbell rings so she goes to get it. It's some guy in a giant gorilla costume who barges in and starts humping all of our furniture. Immediately, I assume that it's Declan. So keep in mind I was already extremely angry.

I punch him in his face. He takes off the mask and it's Declan's roommate, Chad. Apparently, Declan had paid Chad a hundred bucks to scare us in the gorilla suit as a diversion because he was right behind Chad. While Chad was humping our furniture, Declan snuck into our bedroom and put ham underneath the mattress cover. So I tell both these dudes to get the eff out and stop pranking us. I thought that I was finally standing up to Declan when my girlfriend tells me that the prank was hilarious and she's going to give me time to cool off.

She leaves with Chad and Declan and keep in mind, Chad's nose is still bleeding and he's still wearing a gorilla suit. I haven't heard from her yet today, but I saw her post a picture of a bagel on Instagram this morning so I know that she's awake. I don't know where she slept last night or what happened with Declan. I want to break up because I'm so angry, but weirdly enough, I still really love her. I can't help it, and I don't want to waste two years. Then four days later, OP posted an update.

On the night that I wrote my last post, I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her pretty much exactly what you guys suggested. I even told her that I thought that her behavior with Declan was already an emotional affair, if not also a physical one. Not surprisingly, she flipped out at me and told me that I was being emotionally abusive and controlling. She told me that every ex-boyfriend she's had has been emotionally abusive, and I fall right into that category. Okay, lol.

Since she's living with me, but not on the lease, it was pretty easy to kick her out. When I asked her if she was going to move in with Declan, she told me that it was no longer my business. Anyways, so that night I tried to relax. I was pretty upset, but pretty set in my decision to dump her and I felt like I could start anew, meet someone else, etc. Then I got a bunch of random calls on my phone from a restricted number, but when I picked up, nobody was there. So I turned my phone on silent, figuring this was one of her immature schemes.

And in the morning, I had 60 missed calls from restricted numbers. In the morning, I got a text from Declan asking to come over and pick up my girlfriend's stuff. So yeah, she moved in with him. I tried to be civil because I really just wanted to get her stuff out of my apartment, but I also wanted closure. So when he got here, I just told him that his relationship with my ex-girlfriend directly influenced the breakup and that I know that they're together now.

Now this is where things get weird. Declan looks at me, surprised, and tells me that he doesn't think that my girlfriend is into him, and that he definitely isn't into her. I told him to cut the crap and that it doesn't matter anymore. He seemed to be getting anxious and panicky so I told him to calm down. I wasn't gonna hurt him. I just wanted to know the deal. Then he told me that he knows that he directly contributed to our breakup, but not in the

way that I think. Apparently it was Chad, not Declan, who wanted to bang my girlfriend. Chad was too shy and asked Declan to befriend my girlfriend and act as a wingman. Declan has tons of female friends, so Chad thought that he could effectively gain her trust and that would be a good in. Declan insisted that the reason he kept pranking her and being goofy was because he was hoping that it would paint the relationship as clearly non-romantic. Apparently Chad had paid him back for all the times that he had to lose money in a prank

and Chad was actually the one paying for my girlfriend's broken nose. I told him, well, that was a stupid plan because my girlfriend moved in with you specifically to be with you, so that sucks for all three of you. Declan got extremely upset and seemed to be practically shaking at the idea that my girlfriend had feelings for him. He was acting like he murdered someone. So now, my ex-girlfriend is living with a guy that she has a crush on, who has no feelings for her and a guy who has a crush on her but was too creepy and weird to say

it. I hope they all have fun together. I love this top comment from Abtuse Angel. A clown, a gorilla suit, two broken noses, and a clueless love triangle. This story has it all. Our next reddit post comes from r slash off my chest. I'm a 29 year old woman and I've been married to my husband who's 30 who I'll call Alex. Alex and I met in college during our freshman year. We started off as just friends and got married seven months ago. I've gotten along with his family, but we aren't super close, but we're friendly enough.

The problem is that Alex has begun to make me incredibly uncomfortable. Firstly, he's begun to ask me who I'm meeting with, where, what we plan on doing, and how long I'm going to be out every single time I leave the house without him. At first I thought that he was being protective and a good partner just in case something happened. But then he started checking my phone after the visits, vetting and researching each of my friends as well. He's also been pressuring me to link my bank account to his because he's in charge

of the finances, when before he was perfectly fine keeping them separate. We fight about that almost every day. Finally, yesterday when he was preparing to go on a work trip for two weeks in California, he demanded that I wear a tracker so he could keep an eye on me while he's gone. I just can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating and his family, who I've spoken to about his worrying behavior, just said that he's being careful and protective as a good husband should. I need to gather my things and find a way to move out before he gets home without tipping

him off. He's always threatened that if he ever found me cheating on him, he'd turn in divorce papers the same day. He keeps a filled out copy in his desk? What? I'm gonna submit those papers the day that I leave. Then one day later, OP posted an update. I've met with two lawyers so far and I had them look over the paperwork.

My husband had prepared these documents and both lawyers I met with said that there were some troubling clauses in it. As in, these clauses could cause me trouble down the line. What alarmed all of us was the fact that several of those clauses dealt with future children. I have a feeling that he fully intended on getting me pregnant to keep me trapped and tied to him. Then OP goes on to explain the steps she's taking to move out, which I'm going to skip because it's not super interesting story.

Then two days later, OP posted an update, which is very long and very dry. So I'll just summarize it to say that OP got a new job, which also includes a salary bump and she's going to move out soon. Then one day later, OP posted an update. And again, this post is very long and dry and doesn't have a lot of very interesting details, so I'll just summarize it and say that OP is working with her lawyer and he's going to serve OP's husband's divorce papers as soon as he lands on his trip back from California.

Then one week later, OP posted an update and at this point, OP's husband has been served the papers. I've gotten a lot of emails from Alex, his family and our old friend group asking question after question. I have only sent one return email to Alex, explaining that I don't believe that we're truly compatible and it's best that we separate now. That his treatment of me when I had done nothing to deserve this was a deal breaker for me. I ended the email with the statement that I would not be contacting him further and anything else he needed to pass on to me or vice versa would be done through my lawyer.

Alex, from what my lawyer told me, was livid when he was served. The sheriff actually ended up booking him for assault on an officer due to the threats that he was shouting. His father bailed him out in a few hours, but with the testimony of the sheriff, my lawyer believes that I have a very good chance of getting a restraining order. Alex, upon returning to the house, apparently lost his temper again and broke the dining table into pieces as well as the TV and putting several holes in the walls. My friend reported that Alex tried to claim that I was the one who trashed the house and put the holes in the wall. But the holes in the wall were way too high. Alex is 6'3 and I'm 5'4 so obviously that's a lie.

Then two weeks later OP posted an update. And again, OP really likes to type so I'll summarize this. First off, OP has secured a new apartment and she's safe. The responses that I got from the emails varied. His family said that I was overreacting and that I owe Alex an apology for the problems that I've caused him. The pending criminal charges puts him at risk of losing his job if he's convicted. Alex sent a long email apologizing and pleading for me to come home.

He said that he was worried for me, that he was willing to go to therapy if it would appease me. He wants us to remain together, and he didn't think that me leaving was an appropriate response to his genuine concern and worry for my health and safety. His friends gave somewhat lacking replies, say they didn't think that Alex was ever going to hurt me and that I shouldn't be letting my imagination run away wild. As much as I want to say that I was surprised by the lack of support, I'm honestly not. He intends to fight the divorce.

I'm letting my lawyer handle it. And I'm also pursuing a protective order as well. After I got approved for my apartment, I also froze my credit. This top comment from Ezra Lurking. His family thinking that she's the one overreacting reminds me of listening to true crime shows. Nobody ever suspected anything! I mean, he only ever punched holes in the drywall and threw televisions across the room! Our next reddit post comes from rslashtrueoffmychest.

I'm an 18 year old woman, and when I was in 5th grade, which is age 10 to 11 for those non-Americans, there were these new twins who moved from the other side of the country to join my class. For some reason, these two kids did everything they could to make my life miserable. I think it's because I was socially unaware and a bit odd as a child, but I'm not sure. The boy twin was this very big kid who would regularly beat me up, and the girl twin would humiliate and spread rumors about me. Of course, the teachers never did anything about it.

Luckily, these two kids went to different schools in middle school and high school than me. So I wasn't bullied and I had a pleasant time in school after that. Most kids weren't happy about going to middle school, but I was excited that they could no longer torture me. However, last month I got a job at a grocery store in my neighborhood. And last week, the girl who bullied me got a job at that same grocery store. At first I thought, it's been seven years, she probably changed.

But just now a few coworkers asked me, did you really have intercourse with the manager so you could get hired here? I shouted, no, and asked them where they heard heard that and they said, the new girl told us. I don't want to go through this again. I am genuinely considering switching jobs to get away from her. I feel so lost and helpless. Then two days later OP posted an update. I found out the new girl in my workplace, who was my childhood bully, was spreading

another rumor claiming that my boobs were fake. I took the advice of most of the people in the comments of my post and sent an email to my manager telling him about how she made up a rumor claiming that I slept with him to get hired. He responded saying that this is a very serious issue and that he wants me to come into work tomorrow and get my side of the story. Because my bully had a shift then. The manager came in looking absolutely furious.

My manager spoke with her, me and then a few of my co-workers to see what was going on. After my manager spoke with my bully, I saw her leaving. She came up to me and said, F*** you you tattletale slut! And left. I asked my manager what happened with her at the end of my shift. He said, I spoke with her about the BS that she was spewing. She tried acting innocent, but everyone I asked said that she was the one who made that

stuff up. She's fired. We don't have to worry about her anymore. I was kind of hoping that she would throw a temper tantrum, but that didn't happen. I finally stood up to her thanks to the advice and words of support from Reddit. I'm pretty sure my past self, the little girl who had her backpack stuffed in a poop-filled toilet on her 11th birthday, would be so proud of me. As bad as it is that this bully tried to harass OP, let's also not forget about the manager.

Because the manager's reputation was also on the line here, especially if he was in a relationship. Imagine if this bully also broke up the manager's marriage because of rumors that the manager was sleeping with coworkers. So I'm not surprised at all that the manager came in furious and fired her immediately. That was r slash best of redditor updates and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.