rSlash - r/Bestof My Wife My Tortured My Daughter for Decades

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

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Welcome to our slash best of reddered updates, where OP finds out that his wife has been abusing his daughter for 30 years. Our next reddit post comes from our slash relationship advice. I admittedly have not been the greatest father. I drowned myself and worked throughout my children's childhoods, and I wasn't always present, though I did try to be as much as I could. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and we have two kids, a 30-year-old son and a 29-year-old daughter. We were high school sweethearts and we have an incredible marriage. She's the love of my life. She's been a state-home mom for most of our marriage.

Our son lives at home with us, while our daughter, on the other hand, is estranged from us and has lived away from us ever since she became an adult. My daughter and wife have always butted heads like animals. It was extremely difficult being between them trying to mend things. They just could not get along. My daughter has accused my wife of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse pretty much as long as we can remember.

We even attended family therapy when my daughter was in middle school, but the therapist determined that my daughter was making things up for attention. This was also supported by the fact that our son had absolutely no issues with his mother. It was just our daughter. My wife is a strict woman, and I've had to have talks with her about reeling it in quite a few times because she could be quite harsh on the kids. But I've never seen her or heard her abuse my daughter, just the typical fight between parents and kids.

You know, chores, bad grades, smoking pot, dumb stuff that every kid does. My daughter claimed that my wife was physically abusive, slapping her around, throwing things, and was extremely verbally abusive. Calling her fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, all things that my wife denied, and definitely things I believe my wife would never say or do. I defended my wife to no end, but I also tried my hardest to smooth things over with my daughter. Our daughter left home as soon as she was able, citing her mother as the reason and myself

being an enabler and pretty much never looked back. She never returned home for longer than a day visit. She officially cut us off over a year ago after a fight with her mother over the phone that I didn't witness and we haven't heard from her since. My wife told me that it was over a disagreement regarding a babysitting arrangement for my daughter's child, our only grandchild. Our daughter hasn't responded to our attempts to reconcile. She's even refused to meet when family members

have passed away and didn't attend their funerals. She's also since gotten married, which means that I missed my only daughter's wedding. Not to mention also losing my relationship with my only grandchild. It's been a huge blow. I began therapy shortly after my daughter severed contact with us because I desperately needed to understand what was happening. My therapist has been great and has walked me through accepting this situation and grieving

the loss of my relationship with my daughter. She helped me accept the fact that I may not have done my relationship with my daughter. She helped me accept the fact that I may not have done the best with my daughter, but that I can't change what happens, and all I can do is wait for my daughter to open up to me again. I decided to start bringing my wife with me. My wife was extremely against therapy at the start, but decided to come along at my insistence, first together, and then on her own. I've since been going to therapy much less often, but I check in every now and then.

My wife recently asked me to come to a session to support her, where she and our therapist dropped a bomb on me. During their solo therapy sessions, they've been discussing and working on my wife, accepting that she abused my daughter. After my wife apparently broke down and confided that everything my daughter said was true, and how to move through

this and also potentially mend our relationship with my daughter. One of the first steps to this was for my wife to admit to me that everything my daughter said about her and their fights was true. My wife also admitted that the fight that ended our relationship with our daughter was because my wife had been calling our granddaughter fat and stupid during the already rare visits my daughter allowed with my granddaughter. Who then told my daughter and my daughter called my wife and told her that our relationship was over. I'm horrified and I have no idea how to proceed. I ended up walking out of the session

because it made me physically ill. For 20 years, I defended my wife and believed her when she called my daughter a liar, screaming and yelling at my daughter for lying when my daughter was pleading for me to believe her. This is a hundred percent my fault, and I drove her away. And now, I don't even know her phone number, her address, or how to reach her.

I haven't heard my daughter's voice in over a year. And the last time she spoke to me, she told me she never wanted to see me again. Because I enabled this woman who tormented her for her entire life. And even then, I defended my wife. I hate myself more than anything in the world right now. I did this to my only daughter. I think that my marriage is over. I'm currently staying with my brother, and my wife has been calling me non-stop. Her voicemails range from begging to talk to screaming about how I'm not supporting

her. My therapist also called and left a message suggesting we try to have another session to move forward, but also encouraged me to take my time. I know that I'm also at fault. I should have listened to and believed my daughter, but I didn't, and I can't change that, and I just want to know where to go from here. And then OP posted an update. I read all of your comments and took them to heart. Even the very harsh ones. I appreciate every single one.

I just want to clarify a few things. I was only uncertain about divorcing my wife because I simply didn't even know where to begin. I was reeling from the therapy session and I was very confused and honestly a little afraid. I had to face the fact that I don't actually know the woman I was married to for over 30 years and I don't know what she's capable of. I have my fault, yes, 100%, but I loved and trusted my wife. I knew that I needed to leave, but I simply didn't know how. So many other things were running through my head as well.

Money, assets, explaining this to our families, etc. After 30 years of marriage, it was a lot to sort out by myself, and I needed some guidance to make sure that I did it right. I've decided that I don't care what it takes, and I don't intend on lying to save image from our families. Also, I did ask my son about the abuse allegations. I would ask him what he saw or heard, and he's always stood by his mother. My son has no relationship with his sister.

As I mentioned in a previous comment, they never got along. The fact that this was because he was the golden child was something that I only recently became aware of, and something that I've been addressing in therapy. He stood by his mother and would back her up during fights. When my daughter and wife would fight, he would come to me and tell me that his sister was lying, that he was there and saw what happened and that his mother didn't hit or berate his sister. He would say that his sister was throwing a fit or being a b word over my wife making a normal request like don't be out late, do your homework, etc.

I shameedly, I believe the two of them because of an f'd up majority rule type of thing. I had two people I loved and trusted both telling me the same story. I'm not proud of that, but that was the way that I saw it. As adults, my daughter has refused to speak to my son and wouldn't come to the house if he was home. My son doesn't care and has never tried to mend his relationship with her. This blow-up has been reaching guard can't you in levels. My wife got to my son first because I wasn't home and he's refusing my calls. I left him a voicemail asking him to keep his mind open and then I'm here to talk whenever he's ready.

My wife on the other hand has not stopped calling and her voicemails and texts range from her losing her mind to begging me to talk. I'll be meeting with a new therapist and continuing therapy. When my divorce is finalized and if my therapist thinks it's a good idea and that I'm ready, I'll try to find a way to reach out to my daughter. I don't wish to stalk her or hire a private investigator, which has already been suggested here. That seems very invasive to me, and I feel that it would only frighten my daughter and drive her away further. I don't know how else I can do it, but I'll figure that out since

it likely won't be for a very long time. Man, I have such like complicated mixed up feelings for OP because on the one hand, he's the victim here. His wife and his son consistently lied to him and gaslit him for what, like, 30 years? But on the other hand, he's also the abuser because he enabled this abuse for 30 years. Like, yeah, he was lied to, but how hands off do you have to be to not realize all the abuse that's going on under your own roof? Like, even if the wife and the son were right that she was just like acting out to get attention, OP responded to that by never being home. So whether she was or wasn't being abused, OP just completely ignored the problem. Well, I hope that OP is able to heal and move on past this, and I guess in a perfect world,

OP and his daughter can get back together and reconcile somehow. However, the son and the mother can both go die in a fire as far as I'm concerned. Our next red-oppost comes from our slash true off my chest. My husband has been lying to me about our finances, and we are screwed. I'm also to blame for this. I realize that. We divided household responsibilities pretty evenly, but we don't split every responsibility down the middle and finances were his job. He's better at them. Well, I thought that he was better at them.

We're $50,000 in credit card debt, which I did not know about. $50,000 on a home equity loan, which I did know about, two months behind on our mortgage and severely behind on a car payment. I quit my job when we decided to have my middle child three years ago, then we had our youngest a year ago. I thought we were fine, we should have been fine. I don't understand what the app happened or why he waited so long to tell me. I trusted him completely.

I would never have believed this. I love him so much. By all accounts, we had an ideal marriage, or we did. I thought we did. I have no idea how we can ever come back from this. It'll take years to pay this off. I'm in school full time, but I'll need to drop out because we can obviously no longer afford childcare while I'm in class. That just sets us back even more because my earning potential is lower. The most f'd up part is that my dad did the exact same thing to my mom. It was awful to live through as a teenager. It was a serious contributor to me being resistant to commitment or ever relying on anyone

for anything. My husband obviously knew about this. It was my number one reservation when I quit my job. I can't believe I was so stupid. This is my worst fear coming true, and I have no idea what to do. Also OP clarifies in an edit that her husband makes $140,000 per year, and then OP posts in an update. I spent the day going through my finances and talking to my husband.

He's cheating on me. The other woman has two kids, and I guess he's been helping her with them. They could be his kids, for all I know. He's currently vomiting and crying in the bathroom, so that's effing great. I unfortunately have to stay married to him long enough to figure out the bathroom. So that's having great. I unfortunately have to stay married to him long enough to figure out the finances. I'm talking to a bankruptcy lawyer on Monday. Thank you everyone who made me feel a little less alone today. Oh my god. So when I got to the part where the husband makes 140k, I was thinking to myself,

man, how's this person getting into so much debt when he's making so much money? 140K is an insane amount of money for one person to make, and then it's like, aha! It's because he's dating two women and supporting five kids. And how is he the one who gets to go off to the bathroom and lock himself in and cry and vomit? Ooh, I'm so sad, my life is ruined. Yeah, your life is ruined because you ruined your wife's life first. What a scummy husband. What a pathetic man.

Our next reddit post comes from R-slash-am I the butthole? Am I the butthole for giving my steps on a 20-minute time limit to return my car before I phone the police? I'm a 34-year-old doctor, and part of my job entails being on call for one to three nights a week, twice a month. My fiance, Dale, who's 30, has been saving with my stepson's mom to buy a macar for Christmas. My stepson Rex, who's 16, has a license already, but he always has to borrow his mom's station wagon or his dad's beat-up pickup truck. Wow, hold on, dang! Rex's 16 and his dad is 30. He had his kid at the age of 14, wow. Okay, Rex says that his mom's car is 16 and his dad is 30. He had his kid at the age of 14. Wow.

Okay, Rex says that his mom's car is lame and embarrassing, and his dad's car can only hold one passenger, which isn't practical for a teen. Onto the main conflict. Rex texted me yesterday around 12 o'clock to ask if he could borrow my car after school. He and his friends wanted to go to the mall, but the bus route is too long, so could he borrow my car? I texted back, sorry, but no, I'm on call today. Can you ask your mom? He says no. I told him sorry, but my answer is still no. I'm sure you'll find a solution. Ask your friends and you can all figure it out. If you can see where this is going, you're less shocked than I am. I was up in my home office when I heard Rex and his friends downstairs after school. I was going to see if they needed

anything, but they left after a few minutes. An hour later, I went to the kitchen, cleaning up the empty bottles and wrappers from their snacks. I saw the spot where I left my keys empty, and I began to panic. First, I bolted to the door and my car was gone. I immediately dialed my stepson. He picks up and it's obvious that he's in a mall store that plays loud music. I told him to get home now and he laughed and said that I'm not his mom. He said that he'll be home whenever he pleases. I'm not proud of this, but I told him that he has 20 minutes to get home or I'll call the cops and report it stolen.

Rex Panix said that he couldn't find all his friends in drive home in 20 minutes. I told him tough shit. 10 minutes later, I get a text that he's still in the mall parking lot and he'll be home soon. I called Rex's mom and told her about this stunt. She was even matter than I was when I told her that I was on call. She apologized and promised to talk with Rex and Dale ASAP. Rex came back home, threw me my keys, and locked himself in his room. Dale finally came home around 8 and said that

he had been on the phone with his ex. He demanded to know why I had punished his son. I put my foot down and explained that I'm on call. That means that I need my car. Rex stole my car. Dale disagrees. His ex agrees with me and decided that she will not be buying Rex a car anytime soon due to his entitlement. Dale thinks that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I didn't end up going into work, so why did I have to threaten Rex? I've only gone in twice this year while on call. Just because nothing happens doesn't mean that I'm always in the clear. Rex is now grounded. My fiance barely speaks to me. He asked me if I'm going in today, I'm not, and if I'll apologize. I am NOT budging, and I'm still pissed that he doesn't get it. Am I the butthole?

Alright, so since this is R-slash and my the butthole, let's give the butthole score now, and then read the update later and see if that changes anything. So I don't know exactly what's involved with being on call as a doctor, but I'm just going to assume that if an on-call doctor can't make it to the hospital in time, then bad things happen. Injuries get left untreated, so injuries get worse, and potentially someone could die. Also there's like the added level of, this is her job, so theoretically she could get fired or like, maybe lose your license, I'm not exactly sure what the consequences are from like

a professional level if a doctor doesn't show up when she's on call. And then there's also the legal level of like, he literally did steal her car. It's not his car. He didn't have permission. So yeah, it's theft. And then Dale gets upset at OP for punishing him when she literally didn't punish him. OP never called the cops and OP didn't ground Rex. Rex's parents grounded him. So what exactly is Dale upset at OP for? Setting and enforcing boundaries I guess? OP you get an easy 0 out of 5 buttholes. Rex gets 3 out of 5 buttholes and your fiance also gets 3 out of 5 buttholes. And then OP post it an update. So apparently Dale reads Arsascha my the butthole when he's on his work breaks. He texted me a link of my post during his dinner break.

A short time later, I received a call from Rex's mom, who said that Dale called her and ranted about how I made him look bad online. She told him that she didn't give an F because he didn't react the way that a good parent should. Dale was so furious that he told his ex-wife that he would be calling his mommy to see if someone actually cared about his feelings. Dail's mother handed his ass back to him, good. She reiterated to Dail that he wasn't even an active part in his son's life until

he was sick so he had no leg to stand on. Dale tried to complain about how everyone was being unfair to him. His mom shut him up and told him that his son did something wrong and this is not about punishing him for being a bad father. Dale returned home a little while ago, about an hour earlier than he usually does. He said that he's disappointed that I made that post, and now everyone who knows will think that he's a joke and a bad father. I didn't think this conversation would result in me

ending the engagement in the relationship, but it did. The house is all in my name, so Dale is packing up his stuff and crawling back to his mom's house. Our wedding wasn't set yet, so no money or time lost there. Dale said so many things that I don't even want to write down. This is not the man that I've known for four years, and I'm honestly shocked at how selfish he is. He said that my doctor money would have to buy Rex's car to make up for all of the hard feelings. I'm astonished at how delusional he is. I am done with this account and I will not be returning. Wow, that story took a turn. Here's what I don't understand. Why is

he so upset about this? Dale is acting like he's the one who had the cops called on him, but like he's not even involved, so why is he taking this so personally? Is it because OP posted this story on Reddit and now it's being covered on YouTube as well? So it's just pride, I guess. His pride is hurt because he looks like a bad father online. But like here's the thing, he is a bad dad. He wasn't involved in his son's life for six years and then when his son acts out, he doesn't punish him appropriately or enforce boundaries. So yeah, he's not a good father. Oh my, he doesn't punish him appropriately or enforce boundaries. So yeah, he's not a good father.

Oh my, I can't believe this guy was arguing with his- This guy was arguing with his ex-wife and literally used a line. Well, if you don't care about me, I'll call my mommy because she cares about me. How is this guy a grown adult? OP, I'm glad that the relationship ended, because I was all ready to say like, OP, you're a doctor, so you're clearly smart. How are you still with this guy after he's being such a weird,

petulant, selfish, egotistical douchebag? But luckily, OP saw the light without everyone having to talk some sense into her. Man, you know what's weird about this? Like, I don't understand why he's so upset that OP posted this information online, because it's not like anyone knows who this is. Some dude named Dale, if that even is his real name, age 30, engaged to a doctor, like, no one has any clue who that is, man.

No one knows. So why get all upset when someone's posting an onypously, like, what's the big deal? That was our slash best of redditor updates, and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.