rSlash - r/Maliciouscompliance Paul Blart VS Clever Lawyer

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

r/Maliciouscompliance In today's episode, an idiotic security guard goes a complete power trip and tries to force a driver to obey his commands. The driver ignores him, which leads to a funny interaction between the guard, the driver, and the high-powered lawyers that the driver came to see. The lawyers aren't willing to indulge in the security guard's power trip, so they execute some clever malicious compliance! Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6qWQPGbFt8 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To support sustainable food production, BHP is building one of the world's most sustainable cottage mines in Canada. Essential resources responsibly produced. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. Welcome to our slash malicious compliance where OP gets $500,000 revenge. As you can imagine, a lot of companies are figuring out how to manage remote staff right now in response to COVID-19. I'm a social media manager for a large university and I'm considered essential staff for some instances. If there's a snow day, I can work from home but need to monitor social channels for questions, problems, etc.

Weeks before the virus got as widespread as it is now in the US, I asked my supervisor to consider remote options as my husband and I had been keeping a close look at its progressions abroad, as he has an autoimmune disease, but I was literally laughed at and told it would never happen. Last week, our university announced that they'd be shifting to online learning for three weeks. I, again, asked if we'd be given remote options at this time as well as to help flatten the curve and given that my job can be done literally anywhere, it shouldn't be a problem. I, again, was told nope, as essential staff,

I'd absolutely have to come in. And more details would be given in an HR email later that day. HR email comes in and affirms that all staff were expected to come in as normal. About 4,000 employees. And if you wanted to take time at home, you need to take personal vacation or sick time. Staff could call our email HR and make individual cases to request remote work, but I'm in the state with the 4th highest cases of COVID-19 right now.

And we all know campuses are cesspools for disease, so staff is livid. The next day, I emailed my supervisor again and told them that I called an emailed HR saying that if I don't get approval for remote work, I'm going to follow email protocol and take sick leave for the foreseeable future. Luckily, I'm in a union and can request up to 26 weeks of 100% paid sick leave for myself or caring for family, and I knew it would get approved. I said the ball was in their court, and they could either have me at home actually working,

or have me at home and be down an essential staff member. Silence. In the meantime, I got a phone call back from HR from a frantic employee who said they'd received literally thousands of emails and phone calls similar to the ones I sent out, and I could expect an update by the end of the day. Turned out, I was not the only one threatening their bosses with time off. At 5pm, we got an email that all staff and classes are remote until further notice. I know it's likely they would have eventually made this call anyway, but I'd like to think the

thousands of employees threatening malicious compliance made it happen sooner. I don't even understand the logic of this. Of all the jobs and existence, I think social media manager is the easiest job to do from home. Trust me, as a YouTuber, that's basically the same thing as a social media manager, and I can guarantee you

there's absolutely no reason to go into an office. Our next reddit postage from With Trees. I'm a trans man and I grew up in a very conservative family. As a kid, my parents often force me to wear dresses and makeup and all sorts of occasions, despite me being extremely uncomfortable with it. The official reasoning was so the neighbors won't talk. But a large portion of it was also, you need to look as attractive as possible for a ranging marriage, that I had absolutely no interest in. At first, I used to protest it and try to get away with wearing something as toned down and unisex as possible, but eventually it became exhausting and distressing, so screw that. You want me

to wear a dress? Fine, I'll wear a dress. The next time I was required to show up in a somewhat formal event, I sure did wear a dress. A black, puffy, Victorian-esque dress, a red corset, dramatic gothic jewelry, heavy black makeup, a full-on show. Oh yeah, the neighbors did talk. Our next Reddit post is from JWBR. It was the late 90s. I was still wearing too much flannel and continuing my historical terrain to keeping books from the library much too long.

I had a paper due for my sophomore global studies class, so I naturally took out more books than I could read, wrote the essay, and completely forgot about the books piled in the corner of my bedroom. After a series of overdue slips into my home room, I eventually did return the four or five books one sunny afternoon in the anonymous drop book off during a study period. I probably moved on to bigger and better things. About two weeks later, I was called down to the assistant principal's office in that

space of time before classes officially started that was reserved for one thing and one thing only. Their reprobates and delinquents were in trouble. I walked the halls thinking that, surely, this was just a timing mishap, and I was being summoned to receive congratulations for some kind of award I didn't know I'd entered into competition for. Yep, he just wants to prepare me for the surprise ticker tape parade. I was wholly unprepared to hear that I was receiving lunch detention to start immediately because I had not returned one of the books that I still remember was Slim and had a white and red cover from my G.S. paper research.

I tried to argue that there was a mistake since I was sure, like as sure as I am that I have fingertips that I returned it, but he couldn't be moved and I was sentenced. Like, as sure as I am that I have fingertips that I returned it, but he couldn't be moved, and I was sentenced to indefinite lunch detention until I either returned the book or paid the 16 bucks to replace it. I left the office, late for first period, defeated, but kept my head held high at lunch later that day as I walked past the entirety of cafeteria, which held a couple hundred of my peers. Plastic food tray in hand, I went down the hall to the old shop classroom that had since been moved and the awaiting detention.

I checked in with Miss Brown at her desk in the front and took an inconspicuous seat in the back. Staring down at my canned peach slices, I braced for the worst. A murderous ruckus was going to break out any minute. I could tell, But once my ear stopped ringing, I discovered that it was really a calm escape from the crowded and rowdy lunchroom. I ate slowly that day, enjoyed my young thoughts in blissful quiet, and wondered what kind of heaven was this? To be fair, I did search far and wide for that book that first day. Attempts to find it

in my locker, bedroom, and backpack were fruitless, and the general consensus in my home was that the school was being ridiculous. I certainly wasn't going to pay for something I didn't lose. So, the next day, considering my brief brushed with the law and the invisible stain already attached my reputation, I went armed with a book in my lunch past the maddening crowd to the detention room. I sat there, day after day, for nearly two months of lunches. In retrospect, to this day, those remained some of the most relaxing lunch breaks of my life. I had around 40 solid minutes to recharge in, mostly complete silence with my reasonably priced lunch and whatever book I was currently reading.

I had to recount my origin story a few times since no one could figure out how the quiet bookworm of a girl who had never been in trouble before had landed in the wild of detention. But I was mostly left to my own devices in this newly found peaceful retreat. I was friendly with Miss Brown, who had worked for the district of my small town since I was in elementary school, and even hooked her up with a sweet horse whisper poster that she loved for my family's mom in pot video store. She must have felt bad for me because somewhere around the one month mark she started up a collection to cover the cost of the book.

She added the initial donation but teachers who would stop by to chitchat would at least change to it. And the race to buy my freedom was on. After a few weeks she handed me just under $7. My love of solitude was no match for the guilt of carrying around that money or my mom who had just started a new job in the school district. So, with a heavy heart, I paid in full for the missing book and went back to my old lunch table in the thick of the action. Months later, during the last week of school, I was called down to the library at my convenience and was sweaty palms. Force myself to face the music over

what was inevitably going to be yet another overdue book at the end of the day. Well, low and BFinghold, the end of year inventory check had located the book as way-layed in the wrong section of the library. I received a few sheepish looks from the librarians as they refunded the money and apologized in a backwards way that still made me the bad guy. As overdue books are the real blumish on one's character, so how are they to assume that I didn't lose the book? Remember my mom's new job in the school? Well, she just happened to be walking by the library just as I was finishing up and

to say that she laid into them is far too extreme sounding. But she did scold some stern face librarians into giving me a proper apology. She also demanded that they look into reforming their system and my favorite part. Take the proper measures to expunge my record. She was very concerned about me carrying around the albatross of full seclusion apparently. And just like that, my life of crime was over. As the world's population grows, so does the need for resources like potash to support sustainable food production. This is why BHP is building one of the world's most sustainable potash mines in Canada.

Essential resources responsibly produced. This is what BHP has committed to Canada. The future is clear. It's happening now at BHP, a future resources company. To discover how, visit BHP.com slash better future. Your business has grown fast, from opening your first location to planning an expansion in no time. And with your business platinum card from American Express, you can access spending power

and payment flexibility to fuel your growth. Sarah, the contractor is here with the plans. American Express, don't do business without it. Terms and conditions apply visit mx.ca slash business platinum. Then down in the comments, Divine Squire has this story. I had a very similar situation and can relate so much, but it was of no fault of my own. In junior high, I was the Joker of the classroom. I went to a small private school so all staff and students knew of my antics.

My home room teacher didn't like it at all. This home room teacher would make an example out of me for any tiny infraction, giving me a lunch detention. The bonus about detention is you receive lunch for free. They make you peanut butter and jelly sandwiches served with a milk carton. So each and every day for the next two years, I received a lunch detention. Once in a great while, the teacher would forget to give it to me, and I'd remind her in front of the whole class. Thus, out of spite, she would give me the detention. I sat in a climate controlled room normally by myself reading a book. I loved

it when the bookmobile would arrive, and pocketing the lunch money I was given every day, four bucks, and I bought many NES video games thanks to the savings. And if anyone is curious on the math on that, over two years, that comes out to $1,440 that OP saved. That's a lot of video games. Our next Reddit post is from CyborgNitter. This is my dad's story, not mine, so I won't be including any dialogue. I'm also going to have to be a bit vague in places to protect said job. Info-tid bit. For those somehow unfamiliar, the FDA is an American regulatory body that approves medical stuff for sale in the market, along with being the oversight body of the entire food industry in the US. It's a big, clunky, slightly outdated, and often frustrating agency, but it's there for

an incredibly good reason. To keep corporations from maybe or killing anyone. My dad has been an engineer, and a dang good one with this company for 29 years. He holds over 60 patents for them with another couple hundred patents in various stages of processing. He holds a job title only held by less than one percent of engineers at his firm. Like I said, he's a really good engineer. My dad's company uses a lot of interns from all over the country, and sometimes the world,

all of whom are desperate to learn at such a well-respected firm. They're paid generously, up to 25 bucks an hour, and aren't overworked. They almost never do overtime. But over the last 10 years or so, many schools have tweaked their engineering degree programs and are not leaving out emphasis on several things that are vital to success at said firm. As a result, my dad can be a bit tough on his interns. To clarify, he's never mean. Doesn't raise his voice, doesn't cuss, etc. But he will make them redo lab tests and reports until they're done correctly. This is vital, as everything the company makes must be approved by the FGA before we can go to the market,

and that process can be horrendous. A few years ago, my dad got assigned a quite lazy intern, and things were tense for the 5 months he was there. When the intern left, he told him my dad was much too firm with him and needs to learn to relax. They decided to use this as an excuse to not pay my dad his entire, rather robust, bonus that year. Until someone in the meeting stood up in support of my dad.

That guy was a low-level manager, still on the young side who was there to learn about the review process. He had also interned under my dad years earlier. This young manager told them the only reason he's where he is today is because my dad was tough on him. He learned how to do things right and do it right the first time.

He told the reviewers they were nuts and it'd be better if more intern supervisors were hard on their interns. My dad got his bonus that year, but the next year they pulled the same BS and cut his bonus in half. No one stopped at that time, so he said, if it, he'll do exactly what they want. Best of all, the intern he just been assigned was on the lazy side. Several months later, my

dad was called into a meeting. They told him a project had been denied FDA clearance, costing them over $500,000. Because of sloppy work for my dad's intern. My dad wasn't actually in this failed project. His intern had been loaned to another team for it, but my dad was still this kid supervisor and the only one double checking the reports. My dad coley informeded to another team for it, but my dad was still this kid supervisor and the only one double checking the reports. My dad coldly informed him that he was only doing what they asked him to do. He was being nicer to the intern, allowing them to turn in lab reports they generated instead of making the kid rewrite it over until it was correct.

Needless to say, my dad got his bonus this year and there were no more mentions of interns and lab reports. Our next Reddit post is from Ars Torak. So this is about 5 years ago. I worked as a chef at a bakery. It was my job to make everything but the baked goods. Every morning, the baker and I would walk in and about 4 a.m. and knock out all the foods needed for the day.

This will leave me ready to go home around 10 a.m. or so. This put us at the perfect time to deliver online orders. It was common for companies or other entities to place large catering orders with us. The baker and I would split them down the middle and deliver them on our way home. The delivery in question was her Bob Dick and Harry, attorney's law. I'd never delivered to Bob Dick and Harry before, but they were a regular of sorts. Every financial quarter, they would hold a huge meeting. This meeting would require roughly $700 of bagels and bagel accessories. This spread included 8 dozen bagels, all 10 of our flavors of cream cheese, pastries, brownies, and enough coffee to power our

college dorm through finals week. My passenger seat, entire back seat, and entire trunk are filled with food. Now, Bob Dick and Harry is located on the ninth floor of a commercial skyscraper deep in the industrial complex downtown. Parking was non-existent. There were meters outside the building, but I knew I would need close to 10 trips to deliver all this food and didn't have a lot of change

on me. Company policy was to just pay whatever fines I needed to park and then turn in my receipts. The money would end up on my next paycheck. So the building has its own parking garage, so I pull in. The security guard, let's call him Sam, stops me and says that the parking garage is for employees only. I happily show him my delivery invoice and offer him a bribery bagel.

Never leave the store without at least two. Sam refuses the bagel and says I can park in one of the guest spots on the bottom floor. The fee is 5 bucks for every 30 minutes, minimum $10. I think I'm gonna head to the bottom floor of the garage. So there are a total of 6 guest parking spaces. Just 6. All of them are taken. I head back up to talk to Sam when I see an open parking spot reserved for Bob Dick

and Harriet, turning it law. I head back up to talk to Sam when I see an open parking spot reserved for Bob Dick and Harry at Tarnays at Law. There are cars in every spot, with many spots being reserved for employees by name. The last spot is empty, and as reserved for guest of Bob Dick and Harry. Perfect, I pull on in. I grabbed the most important part of the delivery, the coffee, and hinted the stairwell. I get into the elevator and hit the button for floor 9. The elevator asked for my employee ID card. Well, crud.

So I try the lobby. That works. From there, it's 9 flights of stairs until I'm outside the law from a Bob Dick and Harry. After introducing myself, I'm shown to the room where the meeting will take place. A table is set aside for me. I set down the coffee and hit for trip number 2. This is when I see Sam talking to the receptionist. He runs over and starts shouting at me.

I'm putting a boot on your effing car. I told you to park and get on the bottom floor. I don't get a word in before he launches into his speech about security and how I could be hurting his building or people. This is when a very well-dressed man walks over. It so happens to be Bob, the Bob of Bob Dick and Harry's. Bob asks what the problem is, and soon the two are arguing. OP is delivering food for my meeting.

He's allowed to use my parking spots. Those parking spots belong to the building. You're leasing them like you leased this floor. I'm the one who says you can park there. He isn't an employee, so he isn't parking. Then I'm making him an employee. You can't do that. You know what, you're right.

Harry, Harry, get over here. Harry walks over with an amused look on his face. Harry here is the head of our HR department. Harry, hire this boy. Harry pulls out a piece of our HR department. Harry hired this boy. Harry pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles. OP is now a member of Bob Dick and Harry and signs it. Then ask me to sign as well. I do so.

Bob reaches over to the receptionist who's already grabbing some things. Here's your employee badge. Your parking permit and your elevator keycard. Now please do the job I've hired you to do and deliver my bagels. Sam looks on in utter fury as I ride the elevator down to my car. Seven sweet, sweet elevator rides later, all the food delivered. Bob and Harry meet me at the table. OP, you've made great strides in this company, and I'm proud of your work,

but I feel as time for us to part ways. Here's your final check. Bob then hands me a crisp $50 bill. Harry says, and your saverance package. Now, please be sure to return your badge and card on the way out. Harry hands me a 20 and sends me on my way.

The receptionist is sure to validate the parking ticket that Sam gave me and the way out. Harry hands me a 20 and sends me on my way. The receptionist is sure to validate the parking ticket that Sam gave me and I head out. On the way out, Sam grins at me and asks for my ticket. I place it in the machine in the station. It sees the validation I got and lets me out for free. Sam glares at me as I drive off into the late morning sun.