rSlash - r/Relationship_Advice I Got a Paternity Test On My 12-Year-Old Son And...

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

r/Relationships_Advice The story in today's post is incredibly tragic. OP has a 12-year-old son, and after having some doubts he performs a paternity test. It tuns out... he is NOT the father. He's been raising a kid for 12 years and its not even his child. So, he turns to Reddit for advice. What should he do? Should he confront his wife? It's an advice subreddit, so post your thoughts in the comments below! If you like this video and want to see more, subscribe for daily Reddit videos! Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPk_3Ld4pTI Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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children's childhood and was not always present, though I did try to be as much as I could. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years, and we have two children, a 30-year-old son and a 29-year-old daughter. We were high school sweethearts and have an incredible marriage. She's the love of my life. She's been a stay-at-home mom-slash-wife for most of our marriage. Our son lives at home with us, while our daughter on the other hand is estranged from us and is lived out of our homes since she became an adult.

My daughter and my wife have always butted heads like animals. It was extremely difficult being between them and trying to mend things. They just could not get along. My daughter has accused my wife of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse pretty much as long as we can remember. We'd even attended family therapy when my daughter was in middle school, but the therapist determined that my daughter may be making things up for attention. This was also always furthered by the fact that our son had absolutely no issues with his mother. It's just our daughter. My wife's a strict woman, and I've

had to have talks with her about reeling it in quite a few times because she would be quite harsh on the kids, but I've never seen or heard or abused my daughter. Just the typical fights between parents and children. Chores, bad grades, smoking pot, dumb stuff that every kid does. My daughter claimed that my wife was physically abusive, slapping her around, throwing things, and was extremely verbally abusive. Calling her fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, all the things that my wife denied and definitely things I believe my wife would never say or do. I defended my wife to no end, but also tried my hardest to smooth things over with my daughter. She left home as soon as she was able, citing her mother as the reason and myself as being

an enabler, and pretty much never looked back. She never returned home for longer than a day visit. She officially cut us off over a year ago after a fight with her mother over the phone that I didn't witness, and we haven't heard from her since. My wife told me that it was over a disagreement regarding a babysitting arrangement for my daughter's child, our only grandchild. Attempts to reconcile have not been responded to. She's even refused to meet when family members have passed away and didn't attend their funerals. She's also since married, which means I missed my only daughter's wedding,

not to mention also losing my relationship with my only grandchild. It's been a huge blow. I began therapy shortly after my daughter severed contact with us because I desperately needed to understand what was happening. My therapist has been great and has walked me through accepting the situation and grieving the loss of my relationship with my daughter. She helped me accept that I may not have done my best with my daughter, but that I can't change what happened. And all I can do is wait for my daughter to open up to me again. I decided to begin bringing my wife with me.

My wife was extremely against therapy at this start, but decided to come along at my insistence, first together, and then on her own. I've since been going much less, but I check in every now and then. My wife recently asked me to come to a session to support her where she and her therapist dropped a bomb on me. During their solo therapy sessions, they've been discussing and working on my wife accepting that she abused my daughter. After my wife apparently broke down and confided that everything my daughter said was true. And how to move through this and also potentially mending our relationship with my daughter. One of the first steps was this was for my wife to admit to me that everything my daughter

said about her and their fights was true. My wife also admitted that the fight that ended our relationship with our daughter was because my wife had been calling our granddaughter fat and stupid. During the already very rare visits my daughter allowed with granddaughter, who then told my daughter and my daughter called my wife and informed her that our relationship was over. I'm horrified and have no idea how to proceed. I ended up walking out of the session because it made me physically ill. For 20 years I defended my wife and believed her when she called my daughter a liar, screaming and yelling at my daughter for lying when my daughter was pleading for me to believe her.

This is 100% my fault and I drove her away. And now I don't even know her phone number, her address, how to reach her. I haven't heard my daughter's voice in over a year, and the last time she spoke to me, she told me she never wanted to see me again. Because I enabled this woman who tormented her for her entire life, and even then I defended my wife. I hate myself more than anything in the world right now. My only daughter.

I think my marriage is over. I'm staying with my brother currently, and my wife has been calling me non-stop. Her voice smells range from begging to talk to screaming about how I'm not supporting her. My therapist also called and left the message suggesting we try to have another session to move forward, but also encouraged me to take my time. I know I'm also at fault. I should have listened and believed my daughter, but I didn't and can't change that and I just

want to know where to go from here. Please, I need advice. I feel physically sick. This is so much to bear. Anything helps. And then OP posted an update. I read all of your comments and took them to heart, even the very harsh ones. I appreciated every single one. I didn't

want to clarify a few things. One, I was only uncertain about divorcing my wife because I simply didn't even know where to begin. I was reeling from the therapy session and was very confused and honestly a little afraid. I had to face that I don't actually know the woman I was married to for 30 years and I don't know what she's capable of. I had my faults, yes, under percent, but I loved and trusted my wife. I knew I needed to leave, but I simply didn't know how. So many other things were running through my head as well.

Money, assets, explaining this to our families. After 30 plus years of marriage, it was a lot to sort out by myself, and I needed some guidance to make sure I did it right. I've decided that I don't care what it takes, and I don't intend on lying to save images from our families. 2. I did ask my son about the abuse allegations. I would ask him what he saw or heard, and he's always stood by his mother. My son has no relationship with his sister. As I mentioned in a previous comment,

they never got along. The fact that this was because he was the golden child was something that I only recently became aware of and something that I've been addressing in therapy. Side note, this is a term that's often used with narcissistic families. Basically, a narcissistic parent will pick one of their kids arbitrarily as the golden child who can

do no wrong and is perfect. Then, they pick another child as the scapegoat who they blame everything on, and in a lot of cases, the golden child will actually become kind of brainwashed and believe the narcissistic parents. He stood by his mother and would back her up during fights. When my daughter and wife would be fighting, he would come to me and tell me that his sister was lying, that he was there and saw what happened, and that his mother didn't hit our beret his sister. He would say that his sister was throwing a fit or being a b*** over my wife making a normal request.

Don't be out late, do your homework first, etc. Ashamedly, I believe that two of them because of an F-duck majority rules type of thing. I had two people I loved and trusted, both telling me the same story. I'm not proud of that, but that was the way I saw it. As adults, my daughter has refused to speak to my son and wouldn't come to the house if he was home. My son doesn't care and has not tried to mend his relationship with her. The blowup of this is reaching gargantuan levels. My wife got to my son first because I was not in the home and he's refusing my calls. I left him a voicemail asking him to keep his mind open and then I'm here to talk whenever

he's ready. My wife on the other hand has not stopped calling and her voicemails and texts range from losing her cool to begging to talk. I'll be meeting with the new therapist in continuing therapy. With my divorces finalized, and if my therapist thinks it's a good idea and then I'm ready, I'll try to find a way to reach out to my daughter. I don't wish to stalk her or hire a private investigator, which has been suggested here. That seems very invasive to me, and I feel it would only frighten my daughter and drive her away further. I don't know how else I can do it, but I'll figure

that out since it likely won't be for a very long time. OP, that's rough. Your wife sounds like an utterly toxic person. She kind of sounds like a psychopathic liar, to be honest. And I agree, do not hire a private investigator. I think that'll only make things worse. I think your best bet is you just generally let it know and among your family and friends that you miss your daughter, you made a mistake, and you wanna try to make some steps to mend things.

Then if your daughter ever reaches out to anyone in your family, they can relay the message and then it's kinda on her. Though you may have to make peace with because of what happened in the past, you may never have a relationship with your daughter. You also might want to brace yourself because it sounds like your wife and your son are going to start tag teaming you now. So you think you know sports?

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I, a 34-year-old male, conducted a paternity test behind my wife's back on our 12-year-old son. A little backstory before I get to the meat. My wife and I met when I was 20. We had a drunk cook-up the first night we met. We continued seeing each other after that night. A few weeks later, she found out she was pregnant. We stayed together and I proposed a few months later. I had doubts about her pregnancy lining up with our timeline, but I never brought it up or discussed it. Not to mention, I was in the military and deployed a few months later.

My proposal weighed a lot on her carrying my child. I grew up in a home without a dad and never wanted that. Fast forward 12 years and we're still married. Though it's been extremely volatile and rocky, I've stayed together honestly because I could never part from my son. I can't let him grow up with an absent father, so I've made it work. Our marriage is dead outside of our child. I ran into an old friend who I knew around the time I met my wife. He asked if I was still with her and I said yes. He mentioned

how it was crazy I dated her and then you stole her from me. I wasn't sure what he meant and asked him to elaborate. He said, it's no big deal, but I was seeing her up until that weekend you met her. I dropped it, but inside my doubt and insecurities ran wild. I couldn't get it out of my head. I broke down and bought a home DNA test kit and used it on my son and I without telling my wife. The results came back today. He is not my son. 0% chance he's my biological son. I'm destroyed. My whole world is upside down. I'm just on autopilot at the moment. I don't know how to act or feel. I'm just a zombie right now. One thing I know is no matter what, he's my son. I've been by aside the moment he was born and will

absolutely never abandon him. Absolutely nothing will change that. What I haven't decided is how, if at all, I bring this up to my wife. I feel like my whole marriage was a lie. I can't help but wonder if she knew. How do I confront her? Regardless, even if I'm not in love with her, I still love her. This will crush her. This will absolutely devastate her.

I don't know what to do. I've planned on seeing a counselor slash therapist ASAP. So many emotions and thoughts flooding my mind. Just need some help to bring me back down. OP, that's really rough to read. But to be honest, my reply to this post would be the exact same regardless of whether or not this kid was your biological son. I think you need to leave your wife. Fundamentally, life's too short to be in an unhappy marriage. Your kid is probably a little too young to understand it, but I don't think anyone really wants their parents to be in an unhappy marriage for them.

I mean, my parents got divorced and I would much rather than be happy, separate, then unhappy together just for my sake. Our next Reddit post is from Thurowaywives. My wife and I, both female, have been married for several years now. About four years ago, we adopted a wonderful boy who I'll call Julian for the purpose of the story. Julian was adopted at two years old, which makes him six now. The adoption process was excruciating, but I'll never regret it. As it happens, back then, we thought we were both infertile.

However, my wife turned out not to be. I won't get into the unnecessary medical details here. She expressed the desire to carry our second baby. We were always set on two children. I was very happy with that. Soon enough, my wife found a sperm donor and the rest is history. Our new baby girl is just over a year old. I'll call her Annie.

Annie is my pride and joy, as you may imagine. However, I'd notice that my wife seemingly favors Annie over Julian. I never wanted to express this because it makes me feel like a horrible spouse, but it really is true. I know that babies require more attention than toddlers, but it's not just about the attention. Example 1. My wife has me and Annie as her phone wallpaper.

Just us without Julian. 2. My wife never talks to others about Julian anymore. Only Annie. 3. My wife used to put all of Julian's drawings on the fridge. A week ago, she took them down. For, on one occasion,

she forgot that Julian was at her grandparents' place, but didn't ask about him all day. Five, when she came home from being out of town, she brought a gift for Annie and not Julian. And then, I drove to one of the gas stations in the area and got him a plushie, lying to him that his other mommy forgot it in her car. I'm at the end of my rope. I love my wife so much, but this isn't right. It breaks my heart to see my son become an afterthought. Any advice? I'm so desperate.

And then OP posted an update. The day after I wrote the post, I had Julian and Annie go to their grandparents' place and sat my wife down. We had a long, serious and emotional conversation. I'm not a confrontational person, but I did my best to express my worries and stand my ground. It did come off as a shock to my wife. Knowing her as well as I do, high school sweethearts now in our 30s.

I'm inclined to get her the benefit of the doubt and believe her when she promised and swore to me that none of these things have been her intention. It's been two and a half weeks since, and we've been doing couples therapy and individual therapy for me, her and Julian. I'm very pleased to say that things have improved exponentially. I guess I didn't see that Julian could notice my wife's behavior. But now I see that he definitely did. I can tell because even though he's been in therapy for a short time, he's flourished.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that he's a new boy, but it makes me so happy to see the change in him. He's much more vibrant and happier. My wife and Julian now have dates on the weekend where they all go out at a reasonable hour and do some other sun activities. In turn, that gave me more time to bond with Annie. All in all, thank you everyone who has commented to given me advice. To those that found it more appropriate to insult me and my wife, mostly my wife. I know that it's easy to do so when you're anonymous and there are no consequences. But please, please think about the human beings on the other side of that screen. Our next Reddit post is from deleted.

I, a 21 year old male, met my girlfriend, a 20 year old female 6 months ago. We go to the same college. Now we would usually wrestle for fun, but I'd always let her win. I think she took pride in winning, but whenever I told her I wasn't being serious, she would say, yeah right. But if it made her happy, it wasn't an issue. Now I'm not a big guy, I'm about 5'10 and 175 pounds. I'm skinny fat basically. I occasionally lift weights, so I'm pretty strong. She's 5'11 and 165 to 170 pounds. She plays volleyball

for our college at a competitive level, so she's an athlete. Well, the other day, she initiated another wrestle and I let her win until she said, okay, let's see what you got. I wasn't sure what she meant so I asked her and she asked me to go serious. So we wrestled and I pinned her rather quickly. She tried to break free but couldn't. I could tell she was a bit shaken so she asked to go again and we went again but I got her in a headlock. I didn't squeeze too hard but she just didn't have to hold her and she tapped. We went a third time and I pinned her. At that point she seemed confused and things got a bit awkward. She then told me she never knew I was serious when I said I wasn't really trying.

Since then, her mood has been lower. She's usually bubbly, but this time I noticed she was low and a bit moopy. What do I do here? Down in the comments, Monty Kurn's gives a pretty good reply. Her athleticism gave her a sense of security that she could protect herself. You shatter that belief rather quickly. Give her time to process it, but don't force the conversation, and when she wants to talk about it, just do your best to listen. Then Ray Adverb adds that, relatable.

It sucks to spend years and years learning to be strong, fast, and an athlete. I did bodybuilding before an injury for years and felt confident in my strength. Then my boyfriend, who hadn't lifted weight since high school and barely weighed 10 pounds more than me, joined me at the gym, and immediately did lift it and benched almost twice as much as I could, who had been training for years. It effing sucks to realize that with almost no effort, 50% of the population can overpower you.

Especially in such a hand to hand obvious way, OP's girlfriend probably felt weak, small, and like she can't protect herself. It's something men don't think about and probably should. That was our Slosh Relationship Advice, and if you liked this video, then let me know by hitting that like button because it really helps my channel grow.