rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin What It's Like To Live With A 75 IQ Kevin

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

r/Storiesaboutkevin In today's episode, we have story after story of OP's absolutely moronic roommate. This Kevin likes to hide coffee beans around the house, bake entire oranges, spread toxic chemicals all over the house, and just generally act like a total moron. If you like this video, hit the follow button for more daily Reddit content! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Welcome to R-slash, a podcast where I read the best post from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-slash stories about Kevin, where a Kevin admits to committing a felony in front of a classroom full of people. Our next Reddit post is from Arcadia Roads. Back in the 90s I lived with a Kevin. He was a great guy, but I ended up having to establish some unique house rules because of him. Rule number one. No baking citrus fruit.

One day I came home and I could smell something burning. I looked at the oven and it was at 450 degrees Fahrenheit. I looked inside. In the oven was a cookie sheet. On the cookie sheet were several whole lemons and limes that had swung into the size of grape fruits. I called a kevin who was lounging on the sofa and asked him confusion, why is there citrus fruit in the oven? This was the response. I was watching Martha Stewart make popery and I decided

that I wanted to make it. Now Martha had apparently sliced up the fruit, laid it out in the cookie sheet and put it in the oven at the lowest temperature to slowly dry it out. Kevin had attempted this, grown inpatient and raised the temperature. The resulting caramelized burn discs ended up in the trash can. For attempt number two, he had placed them in the oven whole. Had I not interfered, his plan had been to slice them up once they were hot. When I explained that the process was meant to dry the fruit, not cook it, he removed them from the oven and defeat.

The fruits had swollen as the juices inside heated up. I watched as Kevin proceeded to spear the fruit with a fork, spring searing hot acid all over himself. Rule number 2, no pledging the floor. I arrived home starving and proceeded to prepare a snack of cheese and crackers on a plate. I proceeded to attempt to carry this plate into the living room. Attempt! We lived in an apartment with parquet floors, we had no area rugs.

By nature, I'm not a clumsy person, so imagine my surprise when I completely wiped out between the sofa and the coffee table. While I was lying there, covered in broken crackers, I couldn't help but notice a distinct smell of lemon furniture polish. This was odd, because there was no wood furniture in the room. Kevin arrived home a while later, and I was compelled to ask, um, did you pledge the floor? He grinned, and informed me that since it makes furniture so shiny, it would be perfect

for the wood floor. Rule number 3. No hiding coffee in the furniture. Never in the entire time we lived together did I ever see Kevin consume coffee that didn't come in a paper cup. We didn't own a coffee maker of any kind. Because of this, I found it odd when I could smell rancid coffee in the living room. I looked around for an abandoned cup, but I couldn't find anything. Finally, the mystery of the smell

got too much and I decided to go hunting. There was an empty ceramic base on the coffee table, and for some inexplicable reason, it was full of whole coffee beans. I took it to the kitchen and then went back to my TV show. Why can I still smell coffee? All along the ridge of the back cushions, I found a row of individual beans. I confronted him later that evening. He told me that he found old beans in the back of his fridge and thought they'd smell good. He also said that he debated putting them in the vents, but couldn't find a way to make them stay. And then, because there was so much demand for more stories, O.P posted an update. Our friend bought a scanner. This was a pretty fancy item for a student to own back then.

We went over to our apartment to see it and scan some photos to upload to the internet. Again, it was in 1990s. Kevin decided that he wanted to scan his dick, but refused to do it while we were in the room. We left him to it. Now, this was a flatbed scanner, so he was basically performing a dick mammogram. We'd only left a moment when we heard a squeal. We ran back into the room, expecting an injury, only to find him pointing at the message on the computer screen. Object cannot be found, or is too small for a scanner. Another time we decided to take a road trip to visit some of my high school friends. It's important here to mention that Kevin was openly gay, open about being a bottom,

and not at all shy about his sexual exploits. We somehow got on the topic of the word bugger. Apparently, he'd only ever heard it used in the context of slaying like, eee little bugger, he didn't actually know what the word meant. One of the girls tried explaining it to amusing in you window. His eyes grew wide and he responded. I always thought that it meant that you were a pain in the- Ohhhhh.

Kevin had gone to two universities and dropped out of both. He'd never read a book that wasn't for an assignment. He decided one day that he would start a book club with a friend of his. He was in charge of the book selection. The first book kind of made sense. It was gay erotica. Run of the Mill romance novel stuff. The second was the book No Logo. I was a bit surprised by this because he was big into brand names and image and not the slightest bit into activism. When I asked about it his answer was, I like the cover. Oh, Kevin, you missed the point.

He also never ended up reading either book. When I moved out, Kevin got a one-bedroom apartment. He also bought a new computer and decided it was time to rip his CDs. Apparently, he also thought it was time to wash dishes. He got so distracted singing along to the music that he forgot about the sink filling in the kitchen until the water was overflowing and running into the living room.

And then O.P. posts yet another update. So Kevin met a boy online. Kevin was a people pleaser, so when someone said they liked something, he enthusiastically said that he liked it too. Now this can backfire in a number of ways, but in this case, it was kind of epic. The boy said that he liked a jog. Kevin was quick to agree, jogging is great. Kevin had never jogged a day in his life.

He mostly fast food and coffee and frequently went to bed with a 2 liter of coke and a bag of cookies or chips. Somehow he was skinny as a rail, my theory was malnutrition. So the boy says, we should jog together and Kevin enthusiastically agrees. This allowed Kevin to do two things that he liked. Go out with a hot boy and buy new accessories. Kevin came home from the mall with new clothes, shoes, etc. for running. He spent hundreds of dollars. He set up a date with a guy to go jogging. They lasted one day. Not only could he not keep up, but he hadn't realized that a lot of people jog early

in the morning. I just laughed. You know how you have that one thing that you got super drunk on, subsequently super sick on, and then can never drink again? For Kevin, it was cinnamon snabs, and he didn't even wait a week to test that theory.

The weekend prior, he had been on vacation in the United States, and it's been his last night they're vomiting so violently that he actually burst a blood vessel. So, needless to say, when we went out clubbing, that's what he chose to order. Now, a few things about the club we went to. It was a local goth club. At the time, there were two main ones, the nicer one and this one. This one was known for not even having a running water the bathrooms. So Kevin orders a shot, throws it back, and his body immediately responds with. Not today, Satan! And he spews it out of his nose. Now his

sinuses are on fire, and he's covered in schnops. He still hasn't even walked away from the bar. I mentioned the running water part for two reasons. One, there's no water to clean up with. Two, the bar didn't even have napkins, toilet paper, or anything else to offer him. He had to use the bar rag to wipe himself up. Another time I came home and there's a bike in my living room, I ask him why it's there.

He says he's gonna ride it every day. After weeks of it sitting there collecting dust, I finally had to demand that it be put on the balcony. When those little razor scooters first became popular, Kevin spent months sourcing out the perfect one. Then, he never bought it because it wasn't cool anymore. Kevin worked at a bank. As you may recall from my previous stories, he had attempted two prior degrees and never

finished either. In fact, he did the last semester of his fourth year twice and just never finished the final classes. One day, he announces that semester of his fourth year twice and just never finished the final classes. One day, he announces that he wants to get an MBA. So, I point out that he needs to get an undergrad first. My boyfriend then pointed out that he'd actually have to finish the MBA, too. Kevin, offended, said, I finished things!

We proceeded to list off all the things he didn't finish. Degree one, degree two, the book club, gym membership, jogging, the scooter, the bike, etc. Kevin once let us hot glue paper horns to his head because the tape he was using wouldn't stick. And no, there was no reason for him to be wearing paper horns. So we needed to do a presentation for a class in university, it was a team project. We repaired up with two other classmates and repaired the presentation. On the day of the presentation Kevin chose up an address and wig. He had decided

he was going to do the presentation and drag. None of the rest of us had been made aware of this until it was too late. We had to do a presentation where the rest of the class was completely serious and he was in a formal gown. Man, I don't even know how to respond to this. Have you ever used a hot glue gun before in freaking burns? I can't imagine letting someone use a hot glue on my freaking forehead or a scalp or whatever the hell Kevin used. Ouch, man. At Salesforce, we're all about asking more of AI.

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Points for me. Gaming Council for the Kids? Points for me? Chalkets for the Teachers? Oh yeah, points for me. Shoppers, you should totally go. Exclusions of Lie. Our next Reddit post is from Abby Bean. So this happened about a month ago. There's this Kevin

at my school, and he's, well, I think he's the most Kevin person that I've ever seen. This guy is levels of creepy and stupid that you have never seen before. I'm pretty sure you watch those movies that show the best way for a guy to win over a girl is to be really aggressive and use invasive pickup lines. And he decided that he's practically entitled to any female he sees fit. Now, Kevin took a particular liking to me and some of my friends, and Kevin even decided it was smart to change a Snapchat username to my current partner's name thinking he could trick me. Obviously this didn't work because Snapchat doesn't update username changes for other people. After talking to me once about my art, I'm a freelance artist.

He decided to tell all of my friends that I was his personal artist, and that I helped advertise his new modeling agency. Yeah, this Kevin is BS-ing to the max. Naturally, I lose it. I block Kevin, and I thought that would be the end of it. Boy was I wrong. After talking to a couple of my friends, I came to find out that Kevin's been lowering girls into empty hallways of our school, creeping on them, cat-calling them, etc.

Now Kevin has started to ask these girls if they wanted to start a movie he's making. I thought this was just him BS-ing about being an actual filmmaker because that's something Kevin would do. Later, he came up behind me in the hall after I finished talking to one of my friends, put one of his hands over my eyes, and then grabbed my waist with the other and pulled me into him at aast. Guess who? I flipped and spun around and nearly slapped this guy, but I decided to just keep my composure and be incredibly snobby and aloof towards Kevin. Then he popped the question, how about you did your boyfriend to come spend some time with me? I make very special movies I think you'd be especially good in.

It would be a really good time. I was just kind of in shock. I was basically just assaulted and then asked to be in an adult video, which is a big deal since I'm a minor where I live. In that instant, I told Kevin to get the hell away from me and never talked to me again. I reported it to the school and I'm not sure if anything happened from it. Okay, time for the biology class to trump all biology classes. Kevin is in my biology class and Kevin is immensely stupid. He answers Chlora class to every question because he thinks it's funny. And when he gets to another

class by the teacher, he just laughed and said, do you know who I am? So clearly this Kevin is very damn. We were doing a lab, so we were free to pick our partners, work on our own and work at our own pace. I'm working alone and low and behold Kevin and a couple of the guys from our class that across from me So I get the eavesdrop. I hear the words hot girls and oh mine So I pull out my phone it sneakily turn on voice memos and just start recording. I got this on tape This guy admitted to grabbing girls butts in other parts of their bodies in the hallway and filming adult videos on his phone with girls in our school without them knowing, and then uploading the videos to a porn hub. I also got

them saying the words, women exist for real men like me to control them. Why waste all that sexual potential? Kevin was talking very loudly, loud enough for the teacher and other people in the class to overhear him because he tried to get the guys to high five of them and stuff even though the guys were disturbed to say the least. My professor reported him and I turned in my recordings to the school administration and I also went to the local law enforcement. He was suspended the rest of the year and we're still getting updates. And then O.P. posted an update. According to my parents, Kevin's parents were told by law enforcement to send him to

the place near where I live called Boys Town, which is kind of like a behavioral correction facility. It's like boarding school for buttholes with less money. But supposedly, he won't be back in my high school until my senior year. My mom was asked if I wouldn't have pressed charges for harassment, and I said no because honestly, he'll get what's coming to him. I have classes to focus on in priorities other than giving Kevin the attention he so desperately craves. Before anyone asks, I'm not sure if any of the other girls have decided to press charges. Kevin, you're being charged with a felony crime of distribution of inappropriate images of a minor.

How do you plead? Uh, chloroplast? Our Our next Reddit post is from deleted. We had new neighbors moving on the first. We've had some interesting interactions with them already and it's only been three days. This is gonna be rough. The husband and wife are maybe 25 to 30 years old and on their first day here, they knocked on our door to ask if our power was out. We said no and asked if their power was out. I asked if their breakers which is were flipped. They had no clue what I was talking about. Not a big deal, not everyone knows about this, although they should. So I offered to come over and have a look.

When I walked into their house, the lights were on. I was confused and said, I thought you said the power was out. They said, it is, our TV and Nintendo Switch won't turn on. I went over to the entertainment stand they pointed at and had a look. They had the TV and Switch plugged into a power bar. The power bar has a red light up switch on it to indicate whether it's turned on or off. The light was off. I flipped the switch over and, of course, it worked. They didn't seem embarrassed or anything.

Later that night we got another bang on the door. It's the neighbors. They say, are you sure the power is enacting weird? Ours is out again. I ask if all the power is out or if it's just a TV and Nintendo switch. They say it's a TV and switch so I just tell them to turn on their power bar again. They said they did and nothing happened. Reluctantly, I drag my butt over there to have a look. They now have a few more things plugged

into the power bar, like a Sinsi candle, a charger of some sort in their cable box. When plugging these things in, they unplug the TV to make room for the other cords. I let them know that if your TV is unplugged in, your switch or cable won't show up on the screen. Low. Once again, they weren't embarrassed. Fast forward to the next day and I can smell TV is in plugged in, your switch or cable won't show up on the screen, lol. Once again, they weren't embarrassed. Fast forward to the next day and I can smell the scent of food, really strongly. I can't make out what it is, but something smells off. Almost like a chemical smell mixed with the spices or something like that.

Anyways, I continue on with my day with the scent in the air the whole time. I'm out in my backyard doing some gardening when my neighbor yells at me over the fence. Hey, do you like deer jerky? It didn't click in my head immediately. I said, yeah, I do. Why, you got some? He says, well not yet, but I will soon. I'm smoking in the basement.

It instantly popped in my head to ask what the hell he was smoking in because it shouldn't smell like chemicals. So I asked him, do you have your own meat smoker? He says, yeah, I made it myself. It's not that hard. Just need an old rain barrel pretty much. I said, a plastic rain barrel? Are you serious? He looked confused and said, yeah, why? I then explained to him about how plastic is toxic and when it's heated up, it's releasing all of that onto your meat. He shrugged it off and said, no big deal, it'll be fine. And now the final story.

Today their kids about 6-8 were running around in our front yard. We don't really care if the kids walk in our grass as long as they stay out of our garden. They were wrestling and we had a good time watching them scrap outside of our front window for about 5 minutes. That was until the younger kid hurt the older kid. As soon as he heard him, he knew that he was in trouble. He took off running through the garden, trampling all over my wife's flowers. His older brother followed and trampled over them some more.

My wife and I went running out to tell them that they can't do that. We told them nicely, didn't raise our voices or swear, they apologized and left. Not even five minutes after we left, their parents came banging on our door. Why are you telling our kids to f off? We were stunned and explained the situation to them. Their response? Our kids don't lie. I literally laughed.

Instead of continuing to argue with someone who won't listen, I was just gonna walk away. As I was about to close the door, his wife pipes up. I don't get why you guys would be so mad about them wrecking some ugly flowers anyways. It's the city's flowers. Like, why do you care so much? My wife went off. The city's flowers? Ugly flowers? Why the hell would those be the city's flowers, ugly flowers? Why the hell would those be the city's flowers?

The neighbor's wife then responds, like how dumb are you? Oh, front yards are city property, like know your laws idiots. That's when I shut the door. Wish me luck. This reminds me of that insult. May you live in interesting times. O.P., by the sound of things, you're living in interesting times. O.P. by the sound of things you're living in interesting times. That was our slash stories about Kevin and if you liked this content then be sure to follow

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