Saturn Returns with Caggie - *Bonus* Facing Our Fears and New Horizons

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Welcome back to a new Season of Saturn Returns! Today's episode is a personal narrative, a mosaic of my stories, reflections, and insights that celebrate the beauty of evolving, the art of living creatively, and the strength found in facing fears.  I begin with the beginnings of the new year, detailing my journey of moving in with my boyfriend and the bittersweet farewell to my old flat which has been a sanctuary for me over the last two and a half years. With my 35th birthday on the horizon, I reflect on the anticipation of something big and share the word that encapsulates my journey ahead: creativity. It's a year of embracing new possibilities and exploring uncharted territories. I share the challenges and triumphs of holding my first poetry reading! Confronting my performance anxiety and the triggers that come with being in the spotlight. This is something I really want to tackle this year. You’ll also find a reading of my poem, ‘My Darling’. You can order “My Darling” the print here. Embracing Emotional Depth: I’m learning how being in touch with my emotions, while challenging, has been a source of strength. I discuss my coping mechanisms and the transformative role my supportive partner plays in navigating my emotional landscape. Understanding Fear and Self-Discovery: I take a deep dive into understanding fear – identifying the parts of myself that need to be heard and giving them a voice.  Living Saturn’s Lessons: How do I embody the principles of Saturn? I discuss the significance of this astrological milestone in my life and what it means to embrace discipline, responsibility, and growth. Expanding Horizons: I’m excited to announce a series of online workshops and mini-courses for Saturn Returns inspired by the themes of our episodes. These sessions are designed to further explore the concepts of change, creativity, and personal development. Stay tuned for our next episode all around the theme of Belonging, coming next week! Remember to subscribe to "Saturn Returns" on your favourite podcast platform, and don't forget to leave us a review. Your feedback helps us grow and continue bringing you content that matters.   --- Subscribe to "Saturn Returns" for future episodes, where we explore the transformative impact of Saturn's return with inspiring guests and thought-provoking discussions. Follow Caggie Dunlop on Instagram to stay updated on her personal journey and receive more empowering insights and you can find Saturn Returns on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok.  Order the Saturn Returns Book. Join our community newsletter here.  Find all things Saturn Returns, offerings and more here.

Hello everyone and welcome to Saturn Returns with me, Kagi Dunlop. This is a podcast that aims to bring clarity during transitional times where there can be confusion and doubt. I have had so many messages from you guys about the show, telling me your thoughts, some things about specific episodes and it always brings my heart so much joy to be able to hear what you guys think and so I wanted to check in with a member of the Saturn Returns community, Anya. Hi Saturn Returns community, I'm Anya. If I could describe this podcast in a word, it would be nourishing. I feel so connected to the topics discussed, particularly within the solo series.

As a listener as well, I'm also blown away by how Kagi has taken elements of the human experience and she talks about them in a way where I feel like someone is holding my hand, is giving me a hug and is reassuring me that I'm not alone. And I think to be able to do that at scale is an incredibly rare and special thing. So I feel very lucky that I've discovered this podcast. Listening to the podcast has also reminded me to be proud of being emotionally in tune with my body and the importance of aligning with my values. There have been so many times where I've had to pause the podcast to write down a quote that I want to remember and apply in my own life. I usually listen to the podcast on my walks, in the bath or as I'm about to fall asleep as it really helps me unwind. Thank you Kagi for creating such a beautiful thing.

Welcome back! You haven't heard from me in a while and things have been crazy, crazy, crazy recently. I don't know about you guys, but oh my goodness, I feel like there was, there's been a year that's already happened in January. 2024 feels super intense, but I think in a good way. It's definitely forced me to reboot, realign, change course in certain areas, and just re-evaluate a lot of things. It's also brought about a lot of change, which I know we can all find scary, but as it is, essence the theme of this podcast in many ways and how change is often forced upon us whether we want it or not and how all change comes with both the excitement of new beginnings and the sadness of when things end. I feel like I was discussing this perhaps a little bit at the end of last season and I have dragged it out but I moved house, I've moved in with my boyfriend which is a very exciting

chapter but I also let go of my flat which was very significant as a period of establishing my independence, of laying down foundations back in London feeling rooted really building my business and just feeling like I had my feet firmly on the ground for the first time in maybe ever but it almost got to the point where they were so on the ground that I was a little bit too fixed and as someone that can be a bit of an introvert and a homebody an astrologer called it my womb. She said you have created a womb for yourself and it is now time to leave and be reborn. So here we are at a new chapter, a new beginning and I'm very excited to be joining you guys again for a wonderful season that we have

in store this one felt like it had a lot of oomph behind it we've got some serious heavy players as guests we touch on some big Saturnian themes and I really hope that it's going to help you guys in unlocking your potential this year of kind of working through things and you know as always I like to find different sorts of healing modalities and alternative practices that you might never have thought of or you perhaps thought of but didn't articulate in this kind of way or whatever it might be there's a there's an array of mixed magic going on in this season and I'm very excited for it I've definitely learned a lot and as I'm actually approaching my Saturn maturation which I am feeling big time you know people would probably think that I might have grown out of you know the

themes of Saturn return. But what some people do not realize is that whilst that might be the main event, Saturn visits us throughout our life. And it is a continuous reoccurring theme. And it works in seven year chapters, as we have squares and oppositions and so I'm going to be 35 soon so I can definitely feel that okay there's a new there's something on the horizon that I need to I need to really embody these things that I've intellectualized for many years and step up to the plate a little bit and as I'd said my word for the year is creativity I'm really trying to lean into my creative self to step out of my comfort zone to do the things that scare me but also light me up in the hopes that I will inspire others to do the same and be authentic as I possibly can. It's challenging sometimes when we

create a life we want and a business that we feels very aligned with us sometimes it can almost create another box in a strange way because suddenly there are different responsibilities and different angles and different things to think about. It's no longer just a passion project, so to speak. And I have been grappling with that myself of wanting to expand, wanting to grow, wondering what direction to head in next, which things to feed, because they can't all be fed at once I know from trying and to channel my energy in the right direction I feel like I'm overflowing with ideas or I have been recently but I am I'm excited for the things that I have in store and as I journey into this new stage of my life it's definitely cracked me open in a way it's it's been a deepening in my relationship because I've never

got to this part with someone before I've had many boyfriends but I have not gone on to that stage of living together and and building a life together really and it's if I'm honest probably brought up quite a lot of fear as I'm sure anyone listening who is a child of divorce you you carry those wounds but it also feels really good and very new and whilst I don't know it I'm not familiar with it. It feels like it's where I'm supposed to be as I kind of blossom into this next stage. And so that's a really exciting thing that's opening up. And also, this theme that I'm going to continue on around creativity, I actually shared poetry, and some of you who might follow me online have seen I have been sharing some poems recently

and sharing online is one thing I find that quite daunting but doing a reading in front of a crowd also bear in mind a crowd that it wasn't my people it wasn't you guys it was an event I did for Soho House it was you know a lovely bunch of people me, one, really appreciate when I do the live shows with you guys because the warmth and the energy and the loving care that I feel from you all is such a hug when I'm on stage. And I know that I'm very supported and held in that. But this was a bit daunting and because it was my first time reading my poems I was really surprised by how nervous I was. I don't have

a problem with public speaking in fact I feel like I'm pretty confident in it but when it comes to sharing my art and my words whether it's poems or music my entire nervous system goes into disarray I was trembling I didn't sleep the night before I when I got there I was a complete mess I I kind of introduced the whole thing and I I really like you could hear it in my voice you could hear the nerves getting the better of me and I was trying to breathe through it but at the start I really struggled to compose myself it was not my usual confident bubbly self it was I felt very anxious and um it was an interesting sort of experiment that that falls into the same category as my music which for those of you that don't know was something I was doing

pre-Saturn Returns but unfortunately because of my performance anxiety I wasn't able to fully pursue it really because it just became too painful in many ways but on the other hand I can happily speak in front of a thousand people about you know the stuff we discuss on here so and I can be very vulnerable on here so it's quite I'm I'm in the process of kind of uncovering what is going on there so I'll keep you posted but if anyone feels a similar kind of way for something in their life that they feel shy in sharing you know send me a message about it I'm always curious to know that you guys are going through something similar but I had a dear friend come and read with me on this night and she's a fantastic poet and she's called Lily Lewis.

And she actually just called me and we were having a chat about when you get triggered, essentially, as a performer and you feel that fear overcome your whole system and body. And she taught me through some really useful steps that I wanted to share with you and it's essentially beginning with recognizing what's happening in your body and acknowledging the fear rather than trying to deny it and then identifying where the fear is coming from which part of you is fearful is it it the intellect? Is it the emotional? Is it the body? And you can do this by sort of going into your, your system and recognizing where it's flaring up. And we all have it show up in different ways. For me personally,

it's very much in the throat, but I would say it's, it an emotional response I've been doing some work with a hypnotherapist recently and going back into my childhood and recognizing that when I was little I had I've always had very big emotions even when I was a very little person and struggled to contain them as many young children do but I still almost struggle to contain them and feel that my emotions can get the better of me because they feel very overwhelming they feel very very big and like a sort of wave that might crash down on me and I think when it comes to sharing work that I find emotional it brings up that feeling of this is something that's dangerous or this is something that's going to hurt you because it's too much for you to contain in your system and so I'm trying to yeah uncover what's going on there I think perhaps when I was in my early 20s my method

for surviving being a hugely emotional person was to numb. It was firstly to morph and then it was to numb. So I would morph into other people. I felt like I was acting a lot of the time and that way I could sort of compartmentalize things and allow certain emotions when they were suitable, but try not to let my true emotions overcome me. And also I would numb with alcohol and all the other things. So that meant that, of course, there was a sort of deluge of emotions, of an avalanche of them afterwards. But I would push them down with food, whatever, love, whatever it might be. And now I'm really trying, I guess what I'm trying to say in this muddled sort of way

is that I'm trying to reclaim my emotionality and know that it's safe and that I can, I can hold it. And one thing that I I will say of and I don't speak about it often more because I'm concerned for his privacy rather than mine but my boyfriend is very capable of handling and containing all my emotions and that's one of the things I love most about him all my emotions and that's one of the things I love most about him he doesn't I think in the past some people have been um intimidated by it or felt like it's their responsibility and they can't handle it so they kind of get angry or think I'm too much in that you know too emotional much whereas he gently handles it with being a container that has the capacity to hold the spectrum of my emotionality but he also handles it with humor which is quite key and it's not in a condescending mean way he just find I think he finds it endearing that I get so uh distraught

quite quite minute things sometimes and just yeah it's it's probably a side of myself that you guys aren't even aware of because it's not I'm not one of those people that's gonna share it on Instagram you know when no not throwing any shade but when people sort of share videos of themselves crying like I don't know it's that's the last thing I feel like doing when I'm having one of those moments and they are quite regular but anyway going back to the advice that I was given on you know if you feel fearful of doing something locating what aspect of you what part of you needs to be heard and rather than pushing it down or denying it really giving it a voice and asking it what it needs locating it in your body wherever it might be and soothing that part and listening to it and asking it what it wants what what was it denied when it was younger because that's often

where these things stem from and if you feel like you had an experience where you choked I mean not literally choked but as in you you couldn't speak or perform or whatever it might be wanted to say something at work and you didn't you can do a practice where you actually in your mind sort of meditate on it and you go back to the experience because your body is like a time machine it won't it won't know the difference between what's happening now and what happened then and so you can actually go back and relocate where your body and your nervous system is responding and what does that feel like what are the words and the that you would use to describe it and get really really clear on that and it. And it's a process, I think, of undoing a lot of patterns.

But, you know, I've held this belief for a very long time that the thing that we we really should be doing is often tragically wrapped up in a lot of fear. And that makes it incredibly hard. But if it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it. And also that the opposite of love isn't hate. In fact, that runs on the same side of the same coin. We all know how quickly those two things can turn. When you feel very, very, very strongly about something and it flips from feeling like I have to do this, this is what I'm supposed to be doing, this is who I am to, I never want to do that again, I absolutely hated it. That actually is not an indication that you shouldn't do it it's in it's an indication that you should

the opposite of love is in fact indifference and we all know that because when we are madly in love with someone and that can quickly turn to hate it can turn to hate in a moment in an argument and then it and then it goes back to love and it's fine but you're passionately hating that person in the fight but when you actually stop being in love you don't really care you're quite indifferent to what they say or they do you're sort of it's whatever So that's a really important distinction I think a lot of people overlook, they think that if they have a strong negative emotional reaction to something, it must mean they aren't supposed to do it, but I think the key here is to persevere,

to go through the muddiness of the fear. And hopefully on the other side will be the magic that we all know and can feel on some level exists there, but we just have to go through. So on that note, I wanted to share with you a poem. And I'm just going to get it up even though I feel like I should know all of these off by heart. I can feel the nerves already how bizarre. Hang on bear with me. So I have been sharing a little bit of poetry but I thought it would be nice to share it with you on here I think it would be quite meditative and the one that I'm going to share is now

available online if you guys want the print we have I think we're going to have a couple available online so I've been really overjoyed by you guys that have bought these and will hang them on your wall in your homes it's such a joy as an artist as a creative person to not only impact someone in that way with your words but actually for them to have a piece of it and keep that with them so this poem I wrote not that long ago and it is all about courage a lot of people messaged me when I first shared it who were mothers and I guess actually I didn't realize it at the time but it's a very maternal perspective this poem whilst I'm not a mother it's almost what I wish my future self could tell me now and sometimes I write in that way it's a sort of stream of consciousness

so this is called my darling my darling there's a world out there beyond what you've touched or felt. A kiss so soft it will enrapture you. A kiss so soft you'll melt. My darling there's a world out there. There's a song that's never been sung. That's waiting for your words, your voice. The very air that fills your lungs. My darling, there is hope out there, even in the darkest of hours.

You'll feel it in the midnight breeze or in a meadow filled with flowers. For soft and lovely things like you were always meant to shine just like the morning summer dew catching light along the pine my darling there's a world out there if you are brave enough to go to roam, break free find love and call another heart your home but if you sit and wait for it the world might pass you by

like the flash of a speeding car or the blink of an eagle's eye for in your later years you won't regret the things you did or tried it will be how many hearts you could have touched had you not been so scared to try so darling now's the time to dance down the road to the great unknown to find what it is you're looking for and a heart to call your home thank you everyone for listening to my poem i hope you enjoyed it and i hope you enjoy this season of saturn returns may it bring us all into our creative zone. May we all embody the principles of Saturn as we initiate into our next stage of becoming.

And as another thing that we are doing, which I'm super, super excited about, as many of you will know, we have the Saturn Returns course but for this season because there are so many Saturnian themes that are really really really really important for us in our personal development we are going to be doing online workshops and mini courses around particular episodes so we've kind of broken up the course to more digestible chunks so that you guys can work through the themes as we go throughout the season it's a way that we get to really dive a lot deeper on some of the topics that we cover because a lot of the feedback has been that you know we might share something that deeply resonates with you guys but you want to you want to go further in and there's no resource or there's no sort of follow-up so

this way we get to do the work together these mini courses will be made up of video content audio meditations journal prompts around these saturnian themes such as authority and autonomy, belonging, death and rebirth, responsibility, all the delicious good stuff. And then the most exciting part is we are going to be doing online events for each of them. So a week after the episode goes out, we will be doing the online event and it will be fortnightly after that so i hope as many of you get involved as possible because yeah it's great for us to all connect with each other it gives that sense of community and a chance to really come to life and for you all to meet one another in an online space and and who knows who knows where it will go so i'm very excited to bring that to you guys as well and we will be kicking off with a bang next week i cannot wait and as always remember you are not alone.