Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine - A Sawbones Special Presentation: A Medicine Called Christmas

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Live from Candlenights 2018, we're so proud to present a staged reading of the new Hallmark Christmas movie written by Justin and Sydnee McElroy: A Medicine Called Christmas. Music: Adam Sakiyama CAST: Narrator: Rachel McElroy Daniel: Tommy Smirl Tabitha: Sydnee McElroy Phil: Griffin McElroy Chris: Justin McElroy Ms. Crimble: Teresa McElroy Mr. Frankson: Dwight Slappe Mr. Cameron: Travis McElroy Beth: Teylor Smirl Mandy: Rileigh Smirl Mr. Golfberg: Michael Meadows Santa: Clint McElroy

Hi. I'm Rachel McAroy. And I am pleased to be the narrator for this upcoming production. From the Hallmark Channel and Saw Bones, a marital tour of Miscited Medicine, we're very proud to welcome you to the world premiere reading of a new original film for Candle Knights written by Justin and Sydney Macarill. A medicine called Christmas. And said, we'll be now in a can of light.

Yeah, as Christmas we're gonna do right. Hang some lights on the tree. Yeah, that's a Christmas to me But you're all around the fire Yeah, I don't want anymore now Yeah, you're calling me a liar But I'm gonna go out for a job Lacks of Christmas to me

You and me and her and a dream Learning about birds and the bees That's a Christmas to me. Interior. The medical office of the most prestigious doctors office in all of New York, Daniel Big City Partners in Health. We find young business minded doctor Tabitha Big City, as she and her father, Daniel, discuss a new assignment for Tabitha.

I'm sorry Tabitha, there's just no way around it. This is the way it has to be. Explain to me one more time why I'm spending Christmas in the middle of nowhere, instead of how I spend every holiday, reading medical journals and watching C-SPAN on mute while I eat leftover Chinese food. For hundreds of years, the men and women physicians of the Big City family have participated in a holiday doctor exchange program, which as I've told you multiple times is... Is this real thing that exists and people do? Right now I heard that part.

You're going to take your big city attitude and fancy medical degree to a place where you can learn about the true meaning of Christmas and help a few people along the way. In exchange, we'll be taking on their town doctor who will be teaching us how to be more folksy and approachable, I guess. Dad, I know everything I need to know about Kritt and Mond.

Christmas, Tabitha, it's called Christmas. Right, Christmas, whatever, fine. What's the name of this quaint village you're banishing me to again? called Christmas. Right, Christmas, whatever, fine. What's the name of this quaint village you're banishing me to again? Well, the locals call it point-z-a-point. Is that what it's really called? No, it's really called that.

Now have a good trip. Smash Cut to the beautiful, picturesque town of Point-Seta Point. It looks like if Thomas can cade through the North Pole while high on ecstasy. Holy crap is it ever beautiful. Snow is everywhere and the houses look like they're made of candy and there are like three trains, trains for days. We see the exteriors of local businesses, like Waso, Family Reath Shop, Garlands and More Garlands, even Charlie and Pat Soda Fountain. Did I say Soda Fountain? I did. How quaint is that? Pretty quaint. Anyway tab of the big city has just arrived in town

and she's struggling to get her huge fancy suitcase up in stairs. It's probably full of issues of the New Yorker and fair trade coffee. You know how these city types are anyway. She's having a hard time getting it up the stairs until Phil Pibbles, proprietor of the Pibbles Ben Breakfast. R Usher's to her aid. Oh, hey, let me help with that. Just missing a page, no problem. It's okay. I've got it, I've got it. Tabitha drops her suitcase down the stairs.

I don't got it. Please, Madam, allow me here at the Chateau Pibbles. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul. Thank you. Thank you, Paul. Here at the Chateau Pibbles, we pride ourselves on providing only the highest level of service. Well, I appreciate it. I'll be sure to pass on my compliments

to the Chateau Pibbles management. Oh, that's not the real name of it. It's really called the Pibbles Bed and Breakfast. Oh, I know. I was just kidding. I kidding. Oh, okay. Well, let me give you the rundown. Breakfast is served from 7am to 7.45. Now before that, we have caroling practice that starts at 5.30am and Garland tying club at

6.15. And... Whoa, whoa, let me stop you there Phil. I'm not much of an early riser. I'm afraid the carolers will have to do without an extra alto. Well, that's not very festive of you, but... If you're willing to take your health

into your hands like that, you're a grown woman. Well, funny, you should say that, and I'm actually a physician. Oh, you're the one filling in for Dr. C. Well, welcome. You got some mighty big boots to fill. He's really turned this whole town around. Well, I'll do my best. Say, you sure you don't need some help with that bag?

You look like you're really struggling. Oh, not at all. I'm just moving a little slower, thanks to the near debilitating arthritis in my hands and arms and also legs. Oh God. Yeah, those know-it-all-egg heads in the city called it super-arthritis. Back when I was still listening to what they had to say. Well, please stop by the clinic tomorrow. I'm sure there's something we can do to help. Oh, that won't be necessary. Doctor. Big city. Tabitha big city. Yeah, that sounds about right. Christmas is just around the corner,

so I don't think the arthritis is going to be an issue for me much longer. I don't see what that has to do. Listen, why don't you go in and get settled. I'll take the bag up to your room, then lie perfectly still on the floor for three hours and so silently to myself on account of the super arthritis, then I'll finish getting you checked in. Did you leave your wreath in the cab or what? My wreath? I left it at home, huh? I don't blame you. I try not to carry anything over 18 ounces if I can avoid it.

I'll have Mrs. P. send up a few options and you can choose one for your door. Thanks. Exterior, the next morning at the point set of point family clinic, a man incredibly handsome, rings a bell outside the building. the building. Money for charity! Please give money to charity for Christmas! Uh, excuse me, I'm looking for... A great way to help those less fortunate than you.

Well, sort of. I'm supposed to be working at the points at a point family clinic today. Oh, sure, I can help no problem. That'll be $5, please. What? $5? God, what kind of scam are you running here?

Chris shakes his bucket. The Christmas kind? For poor people. Oh, right. Okay, I'm sorry. Well, I only have a 20. There is a two-minute long pause. You know what? It's Christmas. I'll spot you one. It's right behind you. No, I get it. Jokes on the new guy. Here, let me just unlock the door and help get you settled.

You work here? Oh yeah, I'm the office manager. Collecting money for the needy is just a side hustle. I'm Chris. manager. Collecting money for the needy is just a side hustle. I'm Chris. Chris Evergreen. No. No. Tab at the big city. Oh, I know.

We've been expecting you. Hope you got plenty of tinsel and hollyberries in that bag. I don't know that you all need any more decorations. You guys really go all out for Christmas, huh? Doesn't everybody? I think I have a copy of InSync Home for Christmas on cassette at home, but that's about as festive as I get. I don't understand. I don't know. I guess it was just never a big deal for our family.

Dad always volunteered to work Christmas day, and my mom was allergic to trees. Also, my gam-gam was the one who always went out of out for Christmas and when she died, it just never felt the same. Okay, so which. And my mom left my dad for a mall Santa on Christmas. Arbor Day. I get it. You're stockings a little empty, but I think once you see the power Christmas has in this

town, all your days are going to be Marion Bright. Listen, people are filling up your waiting room, you better get in there. You aren't staying? No, I got a shift at the Christmas tree farm. Good luck in there. Dr. Big City enters the clinic to find a full-awaited room. She is eager to get started. The nurse puts her first patient in a room and Dr. Big City nervously knocks and walks in. Hello, I'm Dr. Big City. I'll be taking over things here at the clinic for a bit.

What brings you in today, Miss Crimble? Oh, please, dear, call me Holly. We're all like family here and points at a point. No need for formality. Well, that's very nice of you, ma'am. Thanks. Now, what seems to be the trouble? Well, it's just a small thing, really. I even feel silly for coming in for it. You don't want to let these things go on too long without getting them checked, just in case, you know. Anyway, I needed to know how many candy canes you use for a sore throat. I'm sorry, what are the candy canes for now? For my sore throat. I've hung about a dozen or so around the house since it started,

but I forget exactly how many it usually takes. So wait, are you going to eat the candy canes for your throat? Like to soothe it since it's sore? No, of course not. You don't eat your Christmas decorations, dear. I've hung some on the tree, and I have a cute little garland with some across the doorframe, and I've attached several more

to a larger decorative candy cane that hangs over the fireplace, but my throat is still scratchy, so I must need to put up a few more. I don't wanna overdo it, you know. So eight or nine more? Why don't we start with a quick exam first? I'll just take a look

and maybe feel for enlarge lymph nodes in your neck and oh no dear I don't have time for all that. I just needed a reminder about the candy canes I'm sure it'll be fine I'll just go buy another box of them and start hanging them till I feel better If candy canes helps you your throat. I don't see any harm But I really feel better if I could just do a quick exam to ensure this is just a viral illness and it'll go away on its own. You know, I think I have the answer this question written down somewhere at home from a checkup

I had once before. I'll just be going now. Thank you anyway, honey. It was so nice to meet you. Take care and well, good luck with your other patients today. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. Mm. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Ms. Cremble leaves in a rush, clearly a bit disappointed in the new doctor. Tavatha is a bit flustered by the strange encounter, but shrugs it off and heads to the next room. Hi there, I'm Dr. Big City and you must be Mr. Frankson. It says here in your chart that you have high blood pressure, is that right? Yeah, Doc, I gotta tell you, nothing is working. It's still just as high as ever, maybe worse. Tell me a little about the treatments you've tried so far. Well, it started with building one gingerbread house. When that didn't work, I built a second gingerbread house. By the time I came back to my follow-up, I had built a whole gingerbread neighborhood with little cars and mailboxes and fences made out of licorice and everything with all that my blood pressure was as worse as ever.

Oh, so was this like for stress? Maybe you would discuss lifestyle changes and dress management and this is related? It was definitely stressful. I've never felt worse. All I do is build things out of gingerbread now. I have a whole gingerbread city. There are bridges and parks and skyscrapers. It's taken over my whole house. My wife is furious. I have no time for sleep or exercise. Mainly, I eat gingerbread pieces for all my meals. I've gained 40 pounds.

I've run up a huge credit card bill buying baking supplies and candy for decorating. No matter how much I build, my pressure just keeps getting worse and worse. What do I do? Okay, let's just start with adjusting your doses. What medication are you taking? I told you about the gingerbread, right? Yes, but what pills are you taking for your blood pressure? Pills?

Yes, yes. Pills, medicine. Pills that are medicine to make your blood pressure go down. What would they look like? Well, they all look different, but generally small, round, or oblong can be any color really. Gum drops! No, what?

No, no, no, no, pills medicine. Oh, hold on, my phone is buzzing. I gotta take this. Yeah, hello, honey. Oh, what slow down? Which one fell over? No, no, not the gingerbread Wal-Mart. It collapsed. And it took out the gingerbread Walmart. It collapsed.

And it took out the gingerbread taco bell. Are you kidding me? And the gingerbread arbeases on fire. The gingerbread arbeases on fire? Yeah, I'm living right now, honey. Yeah, just keep throwing royal icing on it. Sorry, Doc, I gotta go take care of this. But your blood pressure, we have to do something.

Yeah, yeah, I got it, drum cops, I'll just keep using more drum cops. Drums! Drums! Drums! Drums! Drums! Mr. Frankson rushes out to deal with the gingerbread fire while Tehavah sits, puzzled by the whole interaction.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! She wanders, still befuddled into the next room, to find a man with an obviously broken left arm and a right arm that appears fixed at an odd angle. He is also very clearly in pain.

Oh, my goodness, your arm! When did this happen, Mr. Cameron? Well, the right one here got broken when my neighbor, Mr. Gibbler, drove his one horse open sleigh into a drifted bank and got up-sought. So I drove my one horse open sleigh over there to help him and I ended up up-sought, too. So we're both in that bank trying to help each other get un-upsoap when I broke the darn thing It it seems like maybe it didn't heal exactly straight. Can you use it at all? Oh, yeah, I can do this And this How was that break managed? Oh well after I talked to the doctor I went straight to work on putting up the Christmas lights.

I got Santa and his reindeer up pretty easily and the inflatables weren't too much trouble. But I ended up in a bit of a pickle when I was putting the lights on the roof. It was hard to maneuver up there, what, with the arm and all. And once you know it, I ended up falling off the ladder and breaking the other one.

Well, we need to get an X-ray of that right away to determine the extent of the fracture and whether or not we can just get away with setting it and casting it. A cast? No, ma'am. No cast for me. It's three days until Christmas.

I still have the bushes to cover and the LED projectors for the front of the house, not to mention all the extra lights I'm going to need to put up to cure this arm. Well, we have to set it or else it'll hook it like the other one. That one is a much bigger problem. We're going to need a specialist to see you, to figure out if we need to re-break it and set it properly. Break my right arm again.

Are you kidding me? I have a broken arm, and you want to go and break the other one that just healed. What kind of crack are you? Where's my doctor anyway? Chris Evergreen, having heard the commotion from the exam room, knocks on the door and then enters the scene. Hey, there, Kip, no need to get all worked up. I'm sure there's just a misunderstanding. Our new doc here has a good heart.

She's just still learning the ropes of our little town, is all. Chris, thank goodness you're here. I was forgetting to feel like I was in some fancy, shmancy hospital in the big city. She was talking about Cass and breaking my arm. I mean, you're in his three days, you're Christmas. And I still have to get up the old penguin

Nativity set in my yard. That's right, you do. And I'll wait you. That's just what Dr. C would prescribe for that arm anyway. You are so right, Chris. I'm going to get on that right now. Thanks, Doc. Sorry, I got so worked up there.

This thing just hurts like the dickens, you know? Oh, well, Mary Christmas. But wait, no. Your arm, your other arm! We have to do something about your broken arms! Hey, Doc, I don't want to interrupt your work, but what would you say to a walk in a nice cup of cocoa, huh? But the patience in the waiting room.

Oh, they'll be fine. I have them all out there working on paper garlands and letter to Santa's we speak. Besides, I think I need to fill in a bit on our little town here. I am kind of in the weeds. Come on. It'll clear your head. Extra marshmallows on me. Last up, a new sponsor for our show, ERO. E-E-R-O. ERO makes home Wi-Fi systems. There's a new ERO and the ERO beacon that allow you to build a Wi-Fi system that's perfectly

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lean on a cliche. So stop thinking about Wi-Fi, just fix it. Get $100 off the ERO base unit and two beacons, that package plus one year of ERO plus just go to euroeiro.com slash solbones and use the code solbones. Also, this is normally where we would think the taxpayers, but this time our music was, well, I guess I technically sung it, but the beautiful orchestration is from Adam Sackiyama. So thank you to Adam for that beautiful tune. And now back to the show. Our next scene opens softly focused on a picturesque small town street.

Piles of snow, I mean absolute mounds of the stuff. Line the sidewalks. The lampposts are strewn with garland and twinkling lights and the shop windows are filled with candles and trees and wreaths and toy trains. Lots of toy trains. Kristen Tabitha are strolling along listening to the Christmas carols that are also the soundtrack, but we doubt the audience will notice. They're clutching mugs of hot chocolate in their fuzzy, mitten hands and flakes of snow drift

around them, but don't actually land on anything because they're just CGI. So Chris, honestly, what's the deal with this place? I had some of the strangest appointments in the office this morning. Oh, I'm sure our little town isn't much like the big city that you're used to. Well, yes, but that isn't exactly what I meant. It was much more difficult than that.

Well, this cocoa here might not be Starbucks, but my dad opened Greg's cookie and cocoa and porium over 30 years ago when we've been using the same family recipe ever since. I can assure you that the number one ingredient has always been love. Again, that isn't really what I'm talking about, but I will grant you that Greg makes a great cup of cocoa.

Who's Greg? Your dad from Greg's cookie and cocoa in Poryam? His name's not Greg. Well, well then who's Greg? I don't know. Who's Target? See, I really don't want to be offensive, but this place is just off. Everybody seems obsessed with the holidays, and I don't mean in a festive way. I mean in a way that seems to be dangerous to their health.

It's almost like they think that doing Christmassy stuff will somehow treat their illnesses. I know that must sound really bizarre. No, not at all. I think you're beginning to understand the true meaning of point-setty a point. See, a lot of towns celebrate the holidays with decorations and cookies and caroling and all that,

but they don't embrace the true spirit of Christmas. That's a shame. Oh, no way. Is this like some war on Christmas thing? No, I just mean that Christmas is medicine. So like being cheery and having a positive attitude is good for you. That kind of thing? Not at all.

See, Christmas is literally medicine. See, okay, the way doctors see explained it to me, disease is really just the result of weakness in your brain receptor, okay? That's completely wrong. So, all you have to do to get healthy and stay that way is to make sure the receptors are strong again, and the best way to strengthen your brain receptors is with Christmas cheer. So holiday activities like decorating the tree and singing carols can actually cure you as long as you do them enough.

That may be the dumbest fake medicine thing I've ever heard. You can't possibly believe that. And here I thought you big city folk were supposed to be open-minded. I am. I mean, were supposed to be open-minded. I am. I mean, I am the actual medical advancements, but this is completely ridiculous. You know what? If you think you know so much better, why don't you come to the true lighting ceremony in the town square tonight, huh? Everybody will be there, and you can see just how well we've been doing following Dr. C. the advice.

You know what? I will come. If for no other reason, then there may be some very ill people in this town who are in need of actual medical assistance. That's the Christmas spirit. It's a date then. No, it's not a date. It is in no way a date. Please understand that this is not a date. Okay then, Wing-Wing. I'll see you later at our not a date where we definitely won't fall in love forever and never. Bye! Before Tabitha can protest any further, Chris Downs elast of his cocoa and sprints off to his next job, his small stand at the year-round Christmas Bazaar where he makes and sells hand-blown glass ornaments. For orphans. stand at the year-round Christmas Bizarre where he makes and sells hand-blown glass ornaments.

For orphans. Tabitha makes her way back to her room at the Ben breakfast still in a bit of a days. She needs to talk to someone who will make some sense. Tabitha decides to face time with her sisters. Beth, Mandy, oh, it's so good to see you both. I'm losing it here, sisters. You have no idea what this place is like. Let me guess. Lovely, quaint, snow-dusted and cozy. The people all have warm smiles and big hearts. Sounds awful. No, no, the people are weird.

I mean, it looks nice. But everyone thinks that Christmas is medicine, and they do holiday stuff to treat themselves. Oh, it's half of the... You're just not used to doing the Christmas thing. You know, our family has always utterly rejected the entire holiday and refused to acknowledge existence even in the most minor way. This is just new to you. But it's more than just our family's complete distaste for all things Christmas.

It's like I was telling Chris today. Oh, who's Chris? He sounds cute. He's the office manager at the clinic. And well, he actually has a startling number of other jobs, too. But anyway, he was kind of showing me the ropes. And he is so adorable.

I haven't told you what he looks like. How long have you been dating Chris? I'm obviously not dating him. I just got here yesterday. You literally saw me two days ago. Oh, Tabitha, you're always so afraid to commit when it comes to love. Yeah, you'll keep an amazing guy like Chris

at Arms Link, no matter how perfect he is for you in every single way, just because you're scared of getting hurt again. It's time for you to open up your heart to someone new. It's time for you to find love for Christmas. What could you possibly be talking about? I'm married. I have been for six years.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Listen, listen, Tabitha, you need to let the magic of that picture perfect small town where everyone is beautiful, fill your heart with Christmas cheer.

Then you need to move there and stay there forever. What? Stay here, Beth. What are you? Exactly. Just stay right there, Mary, to Chris, and happy forever. Okay, I'm getting really worried about you both. What are you talking about? Are you drunk? happy forever? Okay, I'm getting really worried about you both. What are you talking about?

Are you drunk? Is this a joke? Good one, Debbie. By the way, the corporate hospital office called and offered you that big doctor, manager job that you've always wanted. Really? Are you serious? That's amazing.

I'll call them back right away to accept. Oh, oh, no, no, no, don't worry. We already told them that you couldn't take it because you are never coming back to the city and are going to stay in that little town with a big heart forever and never happy with your new husband, Chris Evergreen. What?

No, what are you thinking? What is wrong with you both? And how did you know his full name? Okay, goodbye. We love you, sis, bye. Merry Christmas, say hi to Chris for us. Woo! Woo!

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. She opens it to find Chris standing there smiling ready to escort her to the tree lighting ceremony. Look, Chris, I need to get home. I can't do this right now. Things are very confusing. I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's kind of an emergency. We really need our doctor in the town square right away. Oh, okay, well, I'll grab my bag. We'll head there now.

It's the evening of the tree lighting ceremony and the spectacle is almost too much to take in. On the hallmark budget, that means that eight people will appear on screen at the same time. the hallmark budget, that means that eight people will appear on screen at the same time. Beautiful children have well-meaning snowball fights as they duck and weave between tents filled with the very sick-looking citizens of Point Set-A-Point. Chris is covering Taveth's eyes as he leads her into the middle of the ceremony. He removes his hands triumphantly. Ta-da! Is this the emergency? I just didn't want you to miss it.

Oh God, what am I wearing? Aren't they great? They're therapeutic. You should feel your circulation improving already. Chris, do we match? Huh! Okay now, this is getting spooky. Are you... Are you feeling this vibe or what? I'm gonna be sick.

Well then luckily you think you find yourself at the healthiest night of the year. The point's said he appoint Christmas tree lighting ceremony. What in the... So let me give you the grand tour. Our first stop is the cookie decoration booth, which is probably the tastiest way I can think of to treat your asthma.

Every day, the patients pick up their piping bags and they don't put them down until they find themselves breathing a little bit easier. And how long does that normally take? I'm sure it'll happen soon. Oh, this is fun over here. It's the elf on a shelf shack. You search all through the shack

until you find that raskly little scamp. And then you eat it to cure your gout. Oh, okay. So over here, this is a little more sautin' us here. This is a little more somber. It's a tent for a most serious cases. Basically, you just stand in the dark while a little girl reads that line

from it's a wonderful life about angels getting their wings over and over and over again. It's, it's intense. I wouldn't get too close. Actually, let's step away and over to the carolers. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,

and made some milking. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Eight made some milking. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Eight made some milking. Why are they just seeing the eighth day of Christmas? On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Our studies have shown that it's the most therapeutic. See, we're science-based, too. Hey, let's keep those made some milk, and folks,

oh, we will, and don't worry, your secret is still saved with me, Prince Remington. And I shall be forever in your debt for that, Mr. Goldberg. Oh, yeah, I'm also secretly a prince. It's a really long story, isn't it? So, when do they light the tree? Oh, every seven minutes. It's so inspirational and beautiful.

It's not really medically sound to do it only once a year. So every seven minutes, one of us flips the switch, and we all gasp and tear up a little bit and spontaneously break into silence at night. I have to go. Wait, wait, not yet. It's your turn to lie to it. Speech, speech. Tabitha reluctantly takes the stage.

Hi. OK. So I just wanted to say that I never really believed in the whole Christmas thing until I came to your town. Woo! That's my girlfriend! No! No, Chris, never, never! Where was I? Okay. Right. So anyway, none of this is anything at all.

In fact, it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. You're all going to be dead by your mid-40s and everyone is gonna tell ghost stories about the weird Christmas city where everyone was an idiot, and then they died, and now it's haunted. I'm going home, best of luck turning into ghosts. I'm going home, best of luck turning into ghosts.

Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Well, looks like I'm just in time.

Dr. C! It's Dr. C! What? You're...you know what? Don't answer. I'm going to find an Uber. I just...I just have to ask, how are my patients? No, I'm not. I'm going to find an Uber. I just... I just have to ask, how are my patients? Oh, dear sweet little Tabitha. They're extremely bad. LAUGHTER

Merry Christmas to all. And to all of good nights. The End. Clap some Christmas to me. You need more energy. And if I put it in the P. That's a Christmas to me. That's a Christmas to me.