Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine - Sawbones Classic: Santa is Sick

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

To get you through that holiday slog, we're re-releasing our classic holiday episode all about the ailments Santa could possibly have.It's Candlenights 2016, and that can only mean one thing: Dr. Sydnee is trying to ruin Christmas again. Join her as she explains to poor, pitiful Justin all of Santa's terrible health risks, recorded live in Huntington, WV. Music: "Medicines" by The Taxpayers https://taxpayers.bandcamp.com/

Hey, everybody, it's Justin McRoy here. I'm one half of saw bones. You probably knew that already. We have a classic to help get you in the holiday spirit this week. It was really, this is really my wife at her most wildest. It is an episode called Santa is sick. It is from 2016. and if you need to start worrying about Santa Claus, this is a podcast for you. I hope you enjoy and I love you very much. Okay, here you go. Saw bones is a show about medical history and nothing the hosts say should be taken as medical advice or opinion. It's for fun.

Can't you just have fun for an hour and not try to diagnose your mystery boil? We think you've earned it. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy a moment of distraction from that weird growth. You're worth it. All right, time is about to books. One, two, one, two, three, four. Hello everybody and welcome to Sawbones, a mirror of your misguided medicine. I am your co-host Justin McAroy. And I'm Sydney McAroy. Every time, every single time. Okay, it's had a press record. It's a high-tech op we got going. Justin, I'm going to need you to do me a favor.

Santa is short. Do you know how to adjust him? Hit you real quick. This is important. This is a... He's all better. It's important this is an anatomical specimen for today's demonstration. Merry candle lights. Thank you. Merry candle lights to you.

I don't know much of anything about candle lights. OK. I've talked to you a couple times. But I keep forgetting, or maybe I wasn't listening. Either way, the important thing is I know about Santa. Okay, I mean, I will say Christmas is the main target of candle lights. It's the one we're most looking to sort of incorporate.

So what about Santa? Why do you bring up Santa? Why is Santa on the most stage? Well, because I thought for candle night, since Santa is what I know the most about, we could maybe talk about him from like a medical standpoint, I could kind of dissect like his health problems and his health history. Because I mean, you know, we all kind of know Santa is not the healthiest guy, so...

How? How? How? Sick? I'm not saying how, how sick. I'm just saying ho-ho doesn't always make the best choices. Oh, sick? To be fair, I wanted it to be balanced. So there are some good points, some good things going for ho-ho and some questionable habits. It seems like a little bit of a bummer,

but you're the expert, say, let's do it. I want to thank my mom for coming up with this topic. She's in the dressing room. I'm not. Thanks, Mary. Thank you, mom, because she came up with this. Okay. Yeah. All right.

So first of all, age. Santa is about like 505. Infinite? Infinite and eternal. Infinite eternal, years old. So I mean, that tells us two things. On one hand, I mean, he's still hanging in there. Yeah.

What? Yes, he's still hanging in there. Yeah. What? Yes, he's still hanging in there. What are you talking about? Well, I'm just saying, like on one hand, like obviously good jeans. On the other hand, like, he's getting up there. Yeah, I suppose Santa is getting up there. Now, on the flip side, he's looked sort of like,

this is my pointer. I didn't steal it from one of the curtains upstairs. He's looked pretty much like this since Coke made him up, so. Right? In like the 30s. Okay, well congratulations, Cindy. You went to college. You know the Coke invented sand.

Now let's talk about his disposition. Cherry. Right. Joyful. Jolly. This can't be bad. There's nothing bad about that. This is a good thing.

This Santa has this going in his favor. Yeah, laughter, a positive attitude. These are associated with lower blood pressure and like general well-being is improved with these things. OK, good. So Santa's on the road to well-build. That's my boy. Well, yeah.

That's my guy, Santa. Either way, even if he is fighting some sort of chronic debilitating disease, he has a positive attitude about it. And that's a... What? This is candlelight, Sidney. Well... Get to sit, everyone's here of Santa Claus. That's we get to set everyone's heroes Santa Claus.

That's exactly what I'm going to do on the show. Oh, OK. We'll go ahead. OK, so the reason that's important though is because let's move on to Santa's lungs, which are about in this red region. Just like where they would be with a normal person. Exactly. As far as I know, Santa has the anatomy and just like where they would be with a normal person. Okay.

Exactly. As far as I know, Santa has the anatomy of a standard human. I don't know that for sure. Yeah. We're assuming. Now, a couple things about that. So first of all, he's exposed to a lot of chimney smoke. That's not great.

Secondly, I don't know if you remember this, but Santa used to smoke. Yeah, like back in the day, he had a pipe, but he then he got clean, got on that vape. That's what it's, that's what it's a, but whatever it was. I have no evidence that Santa Vapes. He proved to me Santa doesn't vape. I mean, that one's not.

Fair enough, that particular Santa is not vaping. No, but he did smoke a pipe. You may remember because the smoke encircled his head like a wreath. Right, right. So smoke really was smoking on that pipe. Just wailing on that bad boy. So I'm concerned about chronic lung problems like COPD with Santa, you know chronic bronchitis and fizema. I guess that's possible with us. You got it. Okay, also I would say that Santa's neck looks kind of large from this perspective. And he is in the category of obesity,

which may put him at risk for sleep apnea. I have a concern of sleep apnea with Santa. OK, the good news about that is, if my boy doesn't sleep well, he doesn't do anything 364 days in a year. So like, home can definitely catnap no problem. Also, if you think about such things and I do, he would probably be a difficult intubation. Like, if you had to intubate Santa.

What? I don't know his male and potty score, but I would just guess. And then when I look at that beard, I think even like a bag and mask ventilation could be tricky because of the big beard. So just, I mean, if you're thinking about like in an emergency situation, you got to save Santa. No, I'm not.

I was in. I am now, I guess. You have to be prepared. To save Santa? He's a 500 plus year old man who's climbing down your chimney. OK, everybody, just be ready to save Santa's life if he tries to die in your house. Or else you're going to get Tim Allen's Santa Claus

to nobody wants that. What else is killing Santa, Sid? OK, let's talk about Santa's heart. It's huge and has room for all the children of the world. Exactly. Next. That's a condition called cardio-megly. That concerns me. Although...

I'll give... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that's probably metaphorical. But I do worry that he's at higher risk for coronary artery disease. Do you? He seems to carry his weight more centralized and that is a risk factor. So for what? For heart disease, for heart attack. For Santa having a heart attack is what I'm saying.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, what else you got? I did want at this point, wouldn't you think? Let's move beyond the obvious, because I know we've all thought about that. Let's talk about kind of like Santa's cognitive abilities, mental status. Now we know that he makes a list,

and I think we can cut him some slack on that, because he's got a lot of people to keep track of, right? He also checks it twice, though. So is this a sign that Santa is thorough? Does he have memory problems, perhaps, revealing with some early dementia? Could this be obsessive? That's a long list to check twice.

Are we worried that Santa has OCD that he's not being treated for? I mean, I wasn't. But that maybe that's a positive story though, that's not necessarily native. Maybe he's like a hero for people who are dealing with those sorts of mental health issues. Lots of guys, keep at it. One day you can have to deliver presents to everybody forever. That's a great way of looking at it. And again, on that positive side, he also has the ability to know when every child on earth is sleeping and awake and if they've been bad and if they've been good and remember

all that. That's true. That's some high level functioning, like memory wise and so even subant like abilities I think okay no no no no no I refuse to believe you're your snowman hypothesis you got me it's a thinker let it grow on on here. You'll get it. I'm the way how you're going to really bust a gut. Oh, I just got it. Yeah. Let's talk about Santa's diet.

Like Rainman? Yeah, no. Thank you. It's like a weather-related choke. Those are my favorite. Yeah. It's festive. Okay, so let's talk about Santa's diet. We don't know much about what he eats most of the year.

I don't think that's documented anywhere, but we do know that on Christmas, he tends to eat a lot of milk and cookies, right? Well, that's obviously not your best choice if that's his standard diet. We're worried about his sugar. We're worried about high fat levels. That's a lot of carbohydrates.

Eating that late at night is not really great for acid reflux. I mean, he's just eating milk and cookies all night long. I wouldn't imagine that's his day, like that can't be his day today. That's like his treat, right? I would have to assume because if you, let's do some calculations, let's say,

that of the 75 million homes that Santa visits, only 1% leave out one glass of milk and one cookie. That seems under, but fine. Right, but this is like a very low estimate. Like we're all very stingy. Only 1% of us left one cookie and one glass of milk for Santa. And he eats and drinks all that, right? I mean, he always does. Sure. Right, it's always gone on Christmas morning. Right. And Santa ate that, right? Yeah, that's where Santa... Yeah, Santa got it sweetened. Okay, just making sure. That's about 750,000 cookies and give or take 46,875 gallons of milk

that Santa's consuming in that night. Now, if we think that each serving of milk has about 25% of your daily recommended vitamin D intake, that's about 18,750,000% of his daily recommended intake of vitamin D that Santa is getting all at once. Oh, all the vitamin D is the issue. And I mean, you know, some vitamin D is good. That much vitamin D begins to get problematic. I'm like, a lot of them. Like, a million percent is problematic.

Yeah. You got to help me out my layman, so some of that is. I mean, we've talked about before, like vitamin C, vitamin B, people like to take that, that's fine. You're probably just going to pee it out. But vitamin D actually starts to accumulate, so you can actually get hyper vitaminosis D from all that, which I have to assume Santa is at risk for. And all these guys, who is?

All this extra calcium in his blood is going to make him nauseous, he's going to throw up, he's going to be weak, he's going to be peeing all the time, which is a problem when you're writing around in a sleigh all night. You know, he's gonna have kidney problems, he's going to be dizzy, he's gonna be confused, he could get disoriented, he could fall down. He's gonna sleigh in the sky, this is your own man, Sidney, what do you want? Yes, he could fall down. He doesn't, though. He pulls it off every time. Now he does pull it off every time, but he also spends an awful lot of time sitting in a slay and then throughout the month of December, he's also spending a lot of time sitting in malls and all of that sitting and those are his helpers.

Put some at risk for a blood clot forming somewhere down in the leg area. I have a big concern with deep vein thrombosis and blood clots in Santa. Those are his helpers. Dad told me that those are his helpers. That's why I want to smell like whiskey. They're just his helpers. That's why I want to smell whiskey. There is. They're just his helpers. Well, now to be fair, in some places, instead of milk, some kids leave brandy for Santa.

So. The chill kids. The chill kids who can end. Which is another big concern, because that's a lot of alcohol, too. In one night, you know. Yeah, yeah, I said, I guess it is. That's like a bajillion percentage recommended USDA whatever, huh?

It's like a lot of brandy. The medicines, the medicines that I skill at my card for the mouth. with my God for the mouse. Folks, we get it. Keeping up with an actual play podcast in this economy is a tough self. That's why we have great news for you. The Adventure Zone is changing up its format. We're gonna be doing some shorter seasons,

more experimental stuff. There's never been a better time to get onboard the zone. And if you're sick of listening to our voices, we get that too. So we're including some guests on this upcoming one. We've got're sick of listening to our voices, we get that too, so we're including some guests. On this upcoming one, we've got K-Lelgin Gabe Hicks, who are incredible. And you want to stress new games?

You've got the new Marvel Multiverse RPG, we're using that and with a really brilliant GM doing it. It's that, and what he's saying is, it's that, that's just doing it. It's that doing it. You can listen every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm glad you said that because nobody says that.

Can I just say thank you to you for such a thoughtful interview? Oh my God, yeah, I think you nailed it. Bullseye, interviews with creators you love and creators you need to know. Listen to the Bullseye podcast only from NPR and Maximum Fun. So, I think some occupational health hazards need to be addressed as well. The slay that I have seen depicted for Santa does not have seatbelts.

Nor does it have airbags Here they go. All right, here we go rules and regulations here they come here comes the boss here comes OSHA Sorry, Santa no more fun for kids in the world OSHA has actually done an like a report on the occupation Well, that's your disanta in case you're ever interested Yeah, I guess you guys. This exists out there. You guys probably read it. Your monthly means kill joy people. What we did.

All right, so he climbs up and down chimneys. That's rough, especially at his age. And he's carrying a very heavy sack of toys. I'm really worried about his lower back, his lumbar spine, the lower part of Santa's back, this area down here. He's really at risk for bulging discs. He's at risk for sciatica, for just arthritis in general from all of this climbing and lifting and carrying. And who knows does Santa use proper lifting technique? I don't know. If he didn't at first, what has to assume he probably learned by the like the 1800s at

least, right? I would also advise maybe Santa wouldn't carry the entire giant sack of toys down the chimney every time. It shrinks magically. I'm pretty sure. That's what I, that's what I, that's what I was. That wasn't covered in the literature. No, okay. All right. Other, other issues. So Santa is traveling all over the world.

He's going through all of the time zones in one night. And as you can imagine, that could lead to some jet lag. That's fine. I've had jet lag. You know Santa could hang. Well, but my question is this. So with all those circadian rhythm problems with him, you know, never his body, never quite knows what time it is or when he should be sleeping. Is Santa

using stimulants? I'm not saying he is. I'm just saying he quit smoking so he doesn't have the nicotine anymore. I feel so festive. I feel so festive. I feel so scared. And the temptation for that has got to be large because of the amount of work stress that Santa is under. I mean, you think about that level of job stress. So, for most of the year he's unemployed, right? I mean, what does Santa do? of job stress. So, for most of the year he's unemployed, right? I mean, what does Santa do? He's got elves to do all the toy building. He's just checking a list.

Yeah, twice. Twice. And then he pulls an all-nighter once a year. And also, it's on a super tight schedule and that's a huge workload. That adds up to a lot of stress for some time. We can all agree that it's okay with us if Santa's jacked up on trucker speed

The whole time right like we've accepted that probably if you believe it's said he believed he's he's bumblebeat out the brain Hey as long as he's bringing me my micro machines. I don't care micro machines I don't care. I'm also a little worried about the climate change. So we know Santa lives at the North Pole, of course, and that's the climate that he's accustomed to. You can tell that because Santa wears this fur-lined suit, as you can see here. When you're used to that temperature all year long, and then one night out of the year, he's gonna be spending time around the equator

and the tropics, that's really hard to acclimatize to that kind of heat really quickly, and especially in tight enclosed spaces and chimneys, and wearing said first suit. I'm really worried he's at high risk for heat exhaustion. Gone. Are you OK? Can you handle this?

Yeah, just like, let's just power through. I can take it. OK. Let's talk about some ergonomics in Santa's life. Now, let's assume that at some point during the rest of the year, he doesn't just sit there checking a list. Maybe he pitches in and helps with toys. I like it.

Instructs maybe in the workshop. Well, it is a workshop built for elves. And we know that elves are smaller than Santa, because we've seen it in all the cartoons and books. So, all the- That's canon books. That's canon books. Santa, although not here, is typically estimated to be about 5'7'260 pounds.

I don't know, whoever estimated that. But he's not going to be comfortable at those little elf workbenches. He is not going to be in proper position if he is working with, have you equipment, working with tools, building things. That's going to be a constant strain. Again, on his lumbar spine, he's at risk for carpal tunnel syndrome. No, go on.

I'm a nerd to it now. I'm a nerd to this soon-to-be corpse that brings me gifts. What else you got? Just bring on. Come on. Which is another question about Santa. Does he have a succession plan? I don't know.

Next! Let's talk about infectious diseases. Now, my biggest concern for Santa maybe was unfounded because it would be all of the little children who sit on his lap. Yeah, those are helpers though. I'm going to counter that one right now. I'm going to stop you right there.

All right, so we'll say that all of the little snotty noses are not a risk for Santa. However, Santa is known to sometimes kiss mommies. Okay. That's fair, I'll give you that. But I'm sure it's just a cheek thing, no problem. Hmm, she tickled him underneath that beard, so snowy white. I don't think it was a cheek. Okay, I love you. You're a very good doctor. You don't understand what that song's about. But I will explain it to you after the broadcast.

Do you think, Holba, stop the show. Do you think that song is about a child who sees his mother kissing Santa Claus, literal Santa Claus? Yeah, it's called, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. I don't know. I don't know. Stop the show! Do you think that song is about a child who sees his mother kissing Santa Claus, literal Santa Claus? Yeah, it's called, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, that's what it's about. Okay, but do you think what that song is about is the literal demigod Santa?

Visiting a woman, stealing a smooch, and then dipping out the chimney? Is that the dystopian Christmas future that you buy in tune? No, what I always imagined is that like this was Santa's true love, but Santa cannot have this mortal woman being immortal as he is. And so like he steals this one precious kiss and then has to fly away. Okay. You know, I never see her again. So you turn Santa into twilight and that's cool.

I love that. I love, I look forward to reading your fanfiction. I'm ahead of the boards after this to check it out. But why are you telling me the next thing is killing my hero Santa? I'm also concerned about the fact that if we're talking about infectious diseases that he's eating other people's food So he's flying around to your house. He's eating milk and cookies that have been sitting out for I don't know how long I mean whose house does he get to first right so the milk's just sitting there has it spoiled I mean he's a he's at risk for a lot of foodborne illnesses this way

I mean, we don't know that everybody washes their hands. Sorry guys. You all don't I know it I know you all don't I wash mine, I've actually your all hands though. You know I'm working between. Yeah. Some of you guys are in the bathroom for like two seconds and you did not wash your hands in that time. We're counting. I'm watching.

All doctors are always counting. I'm watching. One Mississippi, two, no. No. Der dirt hands. You mentioned a twilight, and I will say that while I do not think that Santa is supposed to like, like, glimmer in the sunlight, his eyes do twinkle. Right? It's lovely.

We know that. Yeah. And my question is, did Santa have cataract surgery? Because sometimes after you've had cataract surgery, you can see the lens in there. It kind of twinkles. That was pretty. I mean, I already got a fix. It's not a problem.

Just wondering. Next. Let's talk about Santa's pets. So. Great goodness. So pets are a good thing. Pets are good for depression. They're good for your general well-being.

They're good for your mental status. People who have pets tend to be happier, they're good to lower your blood pressure. So having this herd of reindeer, if we say those are his pets, that sounds pretty good for Santa. It is bad, I guess, if he's allergic to reindeer, but we have no evidence of that. We have no reason to believe that. Now, it is important

to know though that reindeer do carry some diseases that humans can get. Randier can carry tuberculosis. They can carry tetanus. They can carry rabies. Most commonly though, if, let's say, you're going to get a disease from a reindeer, if you are, you're probably going to get brusolosis. Okay, what's that? So, this is an illness that can cause fevers and sweats, and you'll get aches in your muscles, and aches in your joints. It can eventually go on to actually cause problems with your lower back and your testicles.

You can get swelling and inflammation of the testicles too. I'll never die, he doesn't need children next. So I would worry about Santa being at risk if he has a lot of contact with the reindeer for brusolosis. You can also get it by drinking unpasteurized milk. This is how it used to be transmitted, but nowadays it's mostly through contact with animals. Now cows are vaccinated against this.

All cattle have to be. What's up vaccines? So, vaccines I'm looking at you. So, we could theorize that Santa maybe has or could vaccinate his reindeer against brusolosis? Possibly. Can I also just on a side note, can I tell you that brusolosis has more names than any disease I've ever encountered? And some of them are the best names ever. Can I tell you some of these?

Yes. Okay, for this illness, brusolosis, it is also known as backdoor trauma. Fist of mercy. Five dollar disease. Goat fever, maltees fever, milk sickness. Mountain fever, Satan's fever, slow fever, and Scottish delight. I can't. I'm sitting, I'm done. I can't. I can't take any more Santa.

We're almost done. Okay. We got a couple more things to cover. Okay. I can't, I can't take any more Santa. We're almost done. OK. We got a couple more things to cover. OK, first of all, skin. Now we all know that Santa's cheeks are rosy. And that's probably a good thing, right? We assume he's out in the cold. That's why I would not like to assume

that Santa has rosacea. Although he may, he may have an inflamed torque condition where his skin is red and inflamed. That's possible. We've also noted that Santa's nose is red like a cherry. So I am concerned about a condition called rhino-fimma. This can happen sometimes associated with rosacea. You get a lot of fibrosis, like extra tissue on your nose, and it can be very prominent.

People used to think of it as WC fields nose, and it used to be associated with alcohol. It's not. It has nothing to do. Don't worry, Santa. It has nothing to do with alcohol. But I am a little concerned about the possibility for Rhino-Freinah Fremab. But. Gen-Blasm, right? So with Gen-Blasm, right? Yeah, there you go. But. But it really is missing. It doesn't have anything to do with alcohol. Thanks for your pause, everybody. I knew one. One time.

Stop. Stop. Stop it. This is why I think he might be OK. There is a condition called pseudorinofyma, you fake rhinofyma, right? Which is when your eye glasses are too tight on the bridge of your nose. And you can't get blood and lymph flow back from your nose.

And your nose gets really swollen and red. That's why you need up to grab. You can just, you put, it's stopped from the bridge of your nose. Nice little handle. Nobody's watched the jerk. OK. Finally, though, I hear only on a positive note.

Santa, as far as we know, has been married to Mrs. Guaz for a really long time. And a long, happy marriage can be associated with positive health outcomes. So, so he's got that one for him. For some of us, am I right? Right, wink, wink, guys, and ladies, right? And a guy's and ladies out here?

Never mind. You're not very good at winking. I'm sorry you killed Santa. Try to do this. Oh, this? That's like winking. Oh, they want to. You know what?

You killed Santa. So why don't you just not criticize the J-man anymore? How's that? Because you killed Santa? He's fine. For that. Well, I just? He's fine. For now. Well, I just think it's important that Santa consider some of this information and take some steps to improve his, you know, health.

Okay, well, there folks, there you have it. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Sydney McRoy. And as always, don't drill a hole in your head. Pop the party, party, girls! Maximum Fun. A Workroad Network of Artist Owned Shows. Supported directly by you.