Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine - Sawbones: Santa Is Sick

Episode Date: December 24, 2016

It's Candlenights 2016, and that can only mean one thing: Dr. Sydnee is trying to ruin Christmas again. Join her as she explains to poor, pitiful Justin all of Santa's terrible health risks, recorded live in Huntington, WV. Music: "Medicines" by The Taxpayers

Ladies and gentlemen, SABLES! SABLES! SABLES! SABLES is a show about medical history and nothing the hosts say should be taken as medical advice or opinion. It's for fun. Can't you just have fun for an hour and not try to

diagnose your mystery boil? We think you've earned it. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy a moment of distraction from that weird growth. You're worth it. All right, time is about to books. One, two, one, two, three, four. Hello everybody and welcome to Sawbos, a Mayor of Georgia of Miscite and Medicine. I am your co-host Justin McAroy. And I'm Sydney McAroy. Every time, every single time. Okay, I decided to press record. It's a high-tech op we got going. Justin, I'm going to need you to do me a favor. Santa is short.

Do you know how to make a video? Justin, I'm gonna need you to do me a favor. Santa is short. Do you know how to adjust him? Hit you real quick. This is important. This is a... He's all better. What's important, this is an anatomical specimen for today's demonstration. It's not gonna both of these. Mary, what?

I've never been so mic'd. Here, I think just this one. Just this, okay. Yeah. Just making sure. Yeah, Mary Candel Knights. Thank you, Mary Candel Knights to you. I don't know much of anything about Candel Knights.

Okay, I've talked to you a couple times, but. Mm-hmm. But I keep forgetting, or maybe I wasn't listening. Either way, the important thing is, I know about Santa. Okay, I mean, I will say Christmas is the main target of candle lights. It's the one we're most looking to sort of incorporate. So, what about Santa?

Why do you bring up Santa? Why Santa on the most stage? Well, because I thought for Candle Knight, since Santa is what I know the most about, we could maybe talk about him from like a medical standpoint. I could kind of dissect like his health problems and his health history. Because I mean, you know, we all kind of know Santa's

not the healthiest guy, so. How? How ho, sick? I'm not saying how ho, sick. I'm just saying, how ho doesn't always make the best choices. How ho, sick? To be fair, I wanted it to be balanced. So there are some good points, some good things going for Ho Ho and

some questionable habits It seems like a little bit of a bummer, but You're the expert said let's do it. I want to thank my mom for coming up with this topic She's here she's in the dressing room, I'm not. Thanks Mary. Thank you mom, because she came up with this. So first of all, age. Santa is about like 505. Infinite, infinite and eternal.

Infinite eternal,. Yes. So I mean, that tells us two things. On one hand, I mean, he's still hanging in there. Yeah. What? Yes, he's still hanging in there. What are you talking about? Well, I'm just saying, like on one hand,

like obviously, good genes. On the other hand, like, he's getting up there. Yeah, I suppose Santa is getting up there. Now, on the flip side, like he's getting up there. Yeah, I suppose Santa is getting up there. Now, on the flip side, he's looked sort of like, this is my pointer. I didn't steal it from one of the curtains upstairs. This, he's looked pretty much like this since Koch made him up, so.

Right? Like the 30s, so pretty much the same. Well, congratulations, Cindy. You went to college. You, pretty much the same. Well, congratulations, Cindy. You went to college. You know the co-convented sand. Okay. Okay.

Now, let's talk about his disposition. Cherry. Right. Joyful. Jolly. This can't be bad. There's nothing bad about that. This is a good thing.

This Santa has this going in his favor. Yeah, laughter, a positive attitude. These are associated with lower blood pressure and like general well-being is improved with these things. Okay good. So Santa's on the road to well-veh. That's my boy. Well, yeah. I mean, my guy, Santa. Either way, even if he is fighting some sort of chronic debilitating disease, he has a positive attitude about it. fighting some sort of chronic debilitating disease, he has a positive attitude about it. And that's a thing.

What? This is candlelight, Sidney. Well, everyone's here of Santa Claus. That's exactly what I'm gonna do on the show. Oh, okay, we'll go ahead. Okay, so the reason that's important though is because let's move on to Santa's lungs, which are about in this red region.

Just like where they would be with a normal person. As far as I know, Santa has the anatomy of a standard human. I don't know that for sure. We're assuming. Now, a couple things about that. So first of all, he's exposed to a lot of chimney smoke. That's not great. Secondly, I don't know if you remember this,

but Santa used to smoke. Yeah, like back in the day, he had a pipe and he then he got clean, got on that vape. That's what it's a beard's right of. I know it's not, but what if it was? I have no evidence that Santa Vapes. He proved to me Santa doesn't vape. Okay. That one's not. Fair enough. That particular Santa is not vaping.

No, but he did smoke a pipe. You may remember because the smoke encircled his head like a wreath. Right, right. Right, so smoke like really was smoking on that pipe. Just wailing on that bad boy. So I'm concerned about chronic lung problems like COPD with Santa. You know, chronic bronchitis and fizema. I guess that's possible with us he got.

Okay, also, I would say that Santa's neck looks kind of large from this perspective. And he is in the category of obesity, which may put him at risk for sleep apnea. I have a concern of sleep apnea with Santa. OK, the good news about that is, if my boy doesn't sleep well, he doesn't do anything 364 days in the year.

So like, homie can definitely catnap no problem. Also, if you think about such things and I do, he would probably be a difficult intubation. Like if you had to intubate Santa. What? I don't know his male and potty score, but I would just guess. And then when I look at that beard, I think even like a bag and mask ventilation

could be tricky because of the big beard. So just, I mean, if you're thinking about like in an emergency situation, you gotta save Santa. No, I'm not. I was in. I am now, I guess. You have to be prepared.

To save Santa? He's a 500 plus year old man who's climbing down your chimney. Okay, everybody, just be ready to save Santa's life if he tries to die in your house. Or else you're going to get Tim Allen's Santa Claus to know what he wants to ask. What else is killing Santa, Sid? Okay, let's talk about Santa's heart. Um, it's huge and has room for all the children of the world.

Exactly. Next! That's a condition called cardio-megly. That concerns me. Although... Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, that is a risk factor. So, for what? For heart disease, for heart attack. For Santa having a heart attack is what I'm saying. Okay, yeah, that... Yeah, what else you got? I probably had a good one at this point, wouldn't you think? Let's move beyond the obvious, because I know we've all thought about that. Let's talk about kind of like Santa's cognitive abilities, mental status.

Now we know that he makes a list, and I think we can cut him some slack on that because he's got a lot of people to keep track of, right? He also checks it twice though. So is this a sign that Santa is thorough? Does he have memory problems, perhaps revealing with some early dementia. Could this be obsessive? That's a long list to check twice. Are we worried that Santa has OCD that he's not being treated for? I mean, I wasn't.

But that maybe that's a positive story, though. That's not necessarily native. Maybe he's like a hero for people who are dealing with those sorts of mental health issues. Lots of guys, keep at it. One day you could have to deliver presents to everybody forever. That's a great way of looking at it. And again, on that positive side, he also has the ability to know when every child on earth is sleeping and awake and if they've been bad and if they've been good and remember all that. That's true. That's some high level functioning like memory wise and so even subant like abilities I think. No no no no I refuse to believe

your snowman hypothesis. hypothesis. You got me. It's a thinker. Let it grow on you. You'll get it. I'm the way how you're gonna really bust a gut. Oh, I just got it. Yeah. Let's talk about Sanus Diet. Like Rainman? Yeah, no. Thank you. It's like a weather-related choke, those are my favorite. Yeah, it's festive. Okay, so let's talk about Santa's diet. We don't know much about what he eats most of the year. I don't think that's documented anywhere. But we do know that on Christmas, he tends to eat a lot of milk and cookies, right?

Well, that's obviously not your best choice if that's his standard diet. You know, we're worried about his sugar, we're worried about high fat levels. That's a lot of carbohydrates. Eating that late at night is not really great for acid reflux. I mean, he's just eating milk and cookies all night long. I wouldn't imagine that's his day, like that can't be his day today. That's like his treat, right? I would have to assume because if you let's do some calculations, let's say that of the 75 million homes that Santa visits only 1% leave out one glass of milk and one cookie.

That seems under but fine. Right, but this is like a very low estimate. Like we're all very stingy. Only 1% of us left one cookie and one glass of milk for Santa. And he eats and drinks all that, right? I mean, he always does. Sure. Right, it's always gone on Christmas morning. Right. And Santa ate that, right? Yeah, that's where Santa,

yeah, Santa got it sweetened. Okay, just making sure. That's about 750,000 cookies and give or take 46,875 gallons of milk that Santa's consuming in that night. Now, if we think that each serving of milk has about 25% of your daily recommended vitamin D intake, that's about 18,750,000% of his daily recommended intake of vitamin D that Santa is getting all at once.

Oh, all the vitamin D is the issue. And I mean, you know, some vitamin D is good. That much vitamin D begins to get problematic. I'm like, a lot of them. Wait, so a million percent is problematic? Yeah. You got to help me out my layman. So some of that is... I mean we've talked about before like vitamin C, vitamin B, people like to take

that, that's fine, you're probably just gonna pee it out. The vitamin D actually starts to accumulate, so you can actually get hyper vitaminosis D from all that, which I have to assume Santa is at risk for. And all these... If he's not, who is? All this extra calcium in his blood is gonna make him nauseous. He's gonna throw up. He's gonna be weak. He's gonna be peeing all the time, which is a problem when you're riding around in a

slay all night. You know, he's gonna have kidney problems. He's going to be dizzy. He's gonna be confused. He could get disoriented. He could fall down. He's gonna play in the sky. He's an old man. Sid could fall down. He's got a sleigh in the sky. He's your old man sitting, what do you want?

Yes, he could fall down. He doesn't, though. He pulls it off every time. Now, he does pull it off every time, but he also spends an awful lot of time sitting in a sleigh. And then throughout the month of December, he's also spending a lot of time sitting in malls. And all of that sitting and all of that.

Those are his helpers. Put some at risk for a blood clot forming somewhere down in the leg area. I have a big concern with deep vein thrombosis and blood clots in Santa. Those are his helpers. Dad told me that those are his helpers. That's why I want to smell like whiskey. They're just his helpers. Well now to be fair in some places instead of milk,

some kids leave brandy for Santa. The chill kids. The chill kids. Right. The chill kids who can hang. Which is another big concern because that's, you know, that's a lot of alcohol too. In one night, you know. Yeah. Yeah, I said, I guess it is. That's like a bajillion percent of his recommended USDA whatever, huh?

It's like a lot of brandy. The medicines, the medicines, the askin' if my car's for the mouth. So I think some occupational health hazards need to be addressed as well. The slay that I have seen depicted for Santa does not have seatbelts. Nor does it have airbags. Here they go. All right, here we go. Rules and regulations, here they come.

Here comes the boss. Here comes Oshia. Sorry, Santa. No more phone for kids in the world. Oshia has actually done a report on the occupational health hazards of Santa. In case you're ever interested. Yeah, I guess you guys.

This exists out there. You guys probably read it. You're monthly means to kill... kill joy people. We did. Alright, so he climbs up and down chimneys. That's rough, especially at his age. And he's carrying a very heavy sack of toys. I'm really worried about his lower back,

his lumbar spine, the lower part of Santa's back, this area down here. He's really at risk for bulging discs. He's at risk for sciatica, for just arthritis in general, from all of this climbing and lifting and carrying. And who knows does Santa use proper lifting technique? I don't know. If he didn't at first, what has to assume he probably learned by the like the 1800s at least, right? I would also advise maybe Santa wouldn't carry the entire giant sack of toys down the chimney every time. It shrinks magically. I'm pretty sure. That's what I... That's what I... That wasn't covered in the literature. No, okay. All right, other issues.

So Santa is traveling all over the world. He's going through all of the time zones in one night. And as you can imagine, that could lead to some jet lag. That's fine. I've had jet lag. You know Santa could hang. Well, but my question is this. So with all those circadian rhythm problems with him,

you know, his body never quite knows what time it is or when he should be sleeping Santa using stimulants I'm not saying he is I'm just saying he quit smoking so he doesn't have the nicotine anymore. I feel so festive. I feel so festive. I Feel so I feel so festive, I feel so festive, I feel so scared. And the temptation for that has got to be large because of the amount of work stress that Santa's under. I mean, you think about that level of job stress. So for most of the year he's unemployed, right?

I mean, what does Santa do? He job stress. So for most of the year he's unemployed, right? I mean, what does Santa do? He's got elves to do all the toy building. He's just checking a list. Yeah, twice. Twice. And then he pulls an all-nighter once a year. And also, it's on a super tight schedule

and that's a huge workload. That adds up to a lot of stress for some time. We can all agree that it's okay with us if Santa's jacked up on trucker speed. The whole time, right? Like, we have accepted that probably. If you believe it, Santa, you believe he's bumblebeat out the brain.

Hey, as long as he's bringing me my micro machines, I don't care. Ah! I'm also a little worried about the climate change. So we know Santa lives at the North Pole, of course, and that's the climate that he's accustomed to. You can tell that because Santa wears this fur-lined suit, as you can see here. When you're used to that temperature all year long, and then one night out of the year, he's going to be spending time around the equator

and the tropics, that's really hard to acclimatize to that kind of heat really quickly, and especially in tight enclosed spaces and chimneys, and wearing said first suit. I'm really worried he's at high risk for heat exhaustion. Oh, I'm going. Are you okay? Can you handle this? Yeah, just like, let's just power through.

I can take it. Okay. Let's talk about some ergonomics in Santa's life. Now, let's assume that at some point during the rest of the year, he doesn't just sit there checking a list. Maybe he pitches in and helps with toys. I like it. Instructs maybe in the workshop. Well, it is a workshop built for elves. And we know that elves are smaller than Santa because we've seen it in all the cartoons and books. So, that's canon books. Santa, although not here, is typically estimated to be about 5'7'260 pounds.

I don't know whoever estimated that, but he's not going to be comfortable at those little elf workbenches. He is not going to be in proper position if he is working with, have you equipment, working with tools, building things. That's going to be a constant strain. Again, on his lumbar spine, he's at risk for carpal tunnel syndrome. No, go on. I'm a nerd to it now. I'm a nerd to this soon-to-be corpse that brings me gifts.

What else you got? Just bring on. Come on. Which is another question about Santa. Does he have a succession plan? I don't know. Next! Let's talk about infectious diseases.

Now, my biggest concern for Santa maybe was unfounded because it would be all of the little children who sit on his lap. Yeah, those are helpers, though. I'm going to counter that one right now. I'm going to stop you right there. All right, so we'll say that all of the little snotty noses

are not a risk for Santa. However, Santa is known to sometimes kiss mommies. Okay. That's fair. I'll give you that. But I'm sure it's just a cheek thing, no problem. I, she tickled him underneath that beard so snowy white. I don't think it was a cheek.

Okay, I love you. You're a very good doctor. You don't understand what that song is about, but I will explain it to you after the podcast. Do you think, Holmer, stop the show? Do you think that song is about a child who sees his mother kissing Santa Claus, literal Santa Claus? Yeah, it's called, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. That's what it's about.

Okay, but do you think what that song is about is the literal demigod Santa? Like visiting a woman, stealing a smooch, and then dipping out the chimney? Is that the dystopian Christmas future that you buy into? No, what I always imagined is that like this was Santa's true love, but Santa cannot have this mortal woman being immortal as he is. And so like he steals this one precious kiss and then has to fly away.

Okay. You know, I never see her again. So, you turn Santa into Twilight and that's cool. I love that. I love, I look forward to reading your fanfiction. I'm headed the boards after this to check it out, but why are you telling me next thing, it's killing my hero Santa.

I'm also concerned about the fact that, if we're talking about infectious diseases, that he's eating other people's food So he's flying around to your house. He's eating milk and cookies that have been sitting out for I don't know how long I mean whose house does he get to first right so the milk's just sitting there has it spoiled I mean he's he's at risk for a lot of foodborne illnesses this way I mean, and we don't know that everybody washes their hands. Sorry guys. You all don't I know it I know you all don't I wash mine after I show you're all his hands though. You know I'm working with clean.

Some of you guys are in the bathroom for like two seconds and you did not wash your hands in that time. We're counting. I'm watching. All doctors are always counting. One Mississippi, two, no. Dirty hands. You mentioned a twilight and I will say that while I do not think that Santa is supposed to like, like, glimmer in the sunlight, his eyes do twinkle. Right? It's lovely. We know that.

Yeah. And my question is, did Santa have cataract surgery? Because sometimes after you've had cataract surgery, you can see the lens in there, it kind of twinkles. That's pretty. I mean, I already got a fix. It's not a problem. Just wondering.

Next. Let's talk about Santa's pets. So. Thank goodness. So pets are a good thing. Pets are good for depression. They're good for your general well-being. They're good for your mental status.

People who have pets tend to be happier, they're good to lower your blood pressure. So having this herd of reindeer, if we say those are his pets, that sounds pretty good for Santa. It is bad, I guess, if he's allergic to reindeer, but we have no evidence of that. We have no reason to believe that.

Now, it is important to know, though, that reindeer do carry some diseases that humans can get. Randier can carry tuberculosis. They can carry tetanus. They can carry rabies. Most commonly, though, if, let's say, you're going to get a disease from a reindeer, if you are, you're probably going to get brusolosis.

Okay, what's that? So this is an illness that can cause fevers and sweats and you'll get aches and your muscles and aches and your joints. It can eventually go on to actually cause problems with your lower back and your testicles. You can get swelling and inflammation of the testicles too. I'll never die, he doesn't need children next. So I would worry about Santa Vignet risk if he has a lot of contact with the reindeer for brusolosis. You can also get it by drinking unpasteurized milk. This is how it used to be transmitted, but nowadays it's mostly through contact with animals.

Now cows are vaccinated against this. All cattle have to be. What's up vaccines? So, vaccines I'm looking at you. So we could theorize that Santa maybe has or could vaccinate his reindeer against brusolosis. Possibly. Can I also just on a side note,

can I tell you that brusolosis has more names than any disease I've ever encountered? And some of them are the best names ever, can I tell you that brusolosis has more names than any disease I've ever encountered. And some of them are the best names ever. Can I tell you some of these? Yes. Okay, for this illness, brusolosis, it is also known as backdoor trauma. It's a bit of a... Fist of mercy. Five dollar disease.

Goat fever, maltees fever, milk sickness. Mountain fever, Satan's fever, slow fever, and Scottish delight. I can't. I'm sitting, I'm done. I can't take any more Santa. We're almost done. Okay. We got a couple more things to cover. Okay can't take any more Santa. We're almost done. OK. We've got a couple more things to cover.

OK, first of all, skin. Now, we all know that Santa's cheeks are rosy. And that's probably a good thing, right? We assume he's out in the cold. That's why I would not like to assume that Santa has rosacea. Although he may. He may have an inflamed toward condition where his skin is red and inflamed.

That's possible. We've also noted that Santa's nose is red like a cherry. So I am concerned about a condition called rhino-fimma. This can happen sometimes associated with rosacea. You get a lot of fibrosis, like extra tissue on your nose, and it can be very prominent. People used to think of it as WC fields nose, and it used to be associated with alcohol. It's not. It has nothing to do.

Don't worry, Santa. It has nothing to do with alcohol. But I am a little concerned about the possibility for Rhino Fremab. But. It's gin blossoms, right? So it's gin blossoms, right? Yeah, there you go.

But. But it really is missing. It does not have anything to do with alcohol. Thanks for your pauser, buddy. I knew one time. Oh, stop. Stop it. Stop it. This is why I think he might be okay. There is a condition called pseudorinofyma, fake

rinofyma, right, which is when your eyeglasses are too tight on the bridge of your nose and you can't get blood and lymph flow back from your nose and your nose gets really swollen and red. That's why you need up to grab. You can get blood and lymph flow back from your nose and your nose gets really swollen and red. That's why you need up to grab. You can just stop frowning the bridge of your nose. Nice little handle. Nobody's watched the jerk. Finally though, I hear only on a positive note. Santa, as far as we know, has been married to Mrs. Claus for a really long time.

And a long happy marriage can be associated with positive health outcomes. So, he's got that one for him. For some of us, am I right? Right, wink, wink, guys and ladies, right? In a gauze and ladies out here? Never mind. Never mind. You're not very good at winking.

I'm sorry you killed Santa. Try to do this. Oh, this? No, it's like winking. No, they want it. You know what? You killed Santa. So why don't you just not criticize the J-man anymore?

How's that? Because you killed Santa? He's fine. For that? Well, I just think it's important that Santa consider some of this information and take some steps to improve his, you know, health. Okay, well, there folks there you have it. Thank you so much for joining us. We've got a lot more show to enjoy. But for the moment, my name is Justin McRoy. I'm Sydney McRoy. And as always, don't drill a hole in your head. Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! I was surrounded by the winds and the tide was heavy, and the sky was going to come across. I was surrounded by the winds and the tide was heavy, and the sky was going to come across. I was surrounded by the winds and the tide was heavy, and the sky was going to come across. I was surrounded by the winds and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy,

and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, and the tide was heavy, All right.

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