Scheananigans with Scheana Shay - Deep Dive with VPR’s Dayna Kathan

Episode Date: July 14, 2023

This week, Scheana is joined by former VPR castmate, Dayna Kathan. After famously beefing on the show, they share how their friendship flame reignited. Scheana discusses the debut of her emo-screamo version of “Good As Gold,” while Dayna shares a scary experience she had diving over the weekend. Plus, Dayna reveals why she walked away from VPR and her biggest regret from filming. Would she ever return? Tune in to find out! Follow us: @scheana @scheananigans Guest: @dadadaynsPoise® Ultra Thins are such a good way to enjoy motherhood without compromise. It takes Poise®. Learn More at www.poise.comGo to www.factormeals.com/teamariana50 to get 50% offGo to www.harmlessharvest.com and use the promo code SCHEANA for 20% off your first orderPlease note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. From Vanderpump Rules to motherhood and everywhere in between, it's time to catch up with Sheena Shea. This is Shenanigans. And now here's your host, Sheena Shea. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. I gotta tell my story Avatar 3. Like it's really been that much of a build up. But hi, how are you? Good. How are you? Good. Good to see you. Literally, we've talked about this since we met and had our ups and downs. And I know at the time we weren't able to do one and then pandemic and everything in between. But okay, I think timing is everything though. So I'm actually glad that this didn't happen before. Yeah, I'm glad it happened out personally. I don't know how you feel about that. No, I agree. I was literally this morning listening again to your episode on The Balanced Blonde with Jordan. And there were so many things you said in that episode

that when I listened to it before she did my podcast, I was like, oh, my God, I need to get Dana on mine because there are just so many things you said, mental health that I can relate to that I want to get into. But well, I'm excited to talk about it because you and I have a little bit offline. So like there are things that I didn't know that we connected on, even in some of that stuff that I talked about with Jordan. So very excited to chat about it. Totally. Before we get into all things mental health, I would like to talk about our weekend, our weekend together and what you did yesterday. So I mean, probably the best weekend I've ever had. I mean, Emo Night in general.

Let's first start with first of all, you killed it. Thank you. Your new version of Good as Gold, like absolutely on repeat. We'd love to see it. How much fun was that recording that? So much fun. You didn't tell me. How did that come to be?

So there's a cover of Since You've been gone that the band a day to remember did and when katie ariana and i had our first emo night dj thing i remember in april yeah we opened up with that song and as i was listening to that version i just had a thought what if we did a cover of good as gold you know a pop punk emo screamo type version of the song. And I asked TJ, who runs Emo Night, if he knew a band who would be down and not, you know, cost me an arm and a leg. And he was like, yeah, I have some people in mind. And then he told me about this band called the 27th. I went on their Instagram.

I was like, OK, first of all, love their vibe. They are so dope. And I love their sound. Yeah. So he was like, yeah, they can get it done this weekend. I was like, whoa, whoa, like this weekend. And so I was like, all right, fuck it. Let's do it. So they recorded their part. And then I went into the studio and recorded my part. And then after performing it live, I'm like'm like hold on can I be the Fergie to year 27 so literally it's I mean also I feel like so taking it back because I think it was April when when the first you guys first did your email because that was that was actually surprisingly the first emo night of my life although I had been wanting to do them yeah that is where we

deeply fell back in love I would say yeah like that was like such a that also I cry when I think about that night, not just because everyone, like it was just the best energy, the best group. Everyone really wanted to be there. And it was just like heaven on earth for me. No, it was so much fun. I love it. I feel like we first reconnected back at Ocean's birthday party last year.

That's when we kind of refollowed each other and we're like, okay, we're cool. All the past shit aside, but we weren't really hanging out yet and we didn't fully reconnect. But April Emo Night and then we had. So we had back to back because it was like Emo Night and Coachella, which were both two of the best things that had happened to me in a really long time. So that let's just keep these good vibes going. Like that. So, yeah. Emo Night this time was amazing.

You guys killed it. And like, I don't know, I just anyone who was emo in middle school or high school who was an outcast fully understands when people are there, like most of those people had that shared experience and were probably tormented. I know you were bullied a lot. I was bullied a lot. So when you're there, you're just collectively with a group of people who are able to be their most authentic selves and be like, this is fucking cool. I told you goddamn losers who are working wherever the fuck you're working, doing nothing with your lives now, who are the ones that were bullying growing up. Yeah. And it's just like the most pure form of just ecstasy. I mean, and I love

the mosh pit. Yeah. Obviously, I'll never shut up about it. You were literally in it, in the mosh pit, like really in it. I remember the first one. I remember looking at you. We were like out back with everyone. I looked at you and no one was like wanting to do it. And I was like, I want to mosh. And you were like, you guys, Dana's going to mosh.

We're going to go support. So you guys were all very supportive. Yeah, I stood back a little bit. I'm like, protect my veneers. And I mean, you need to protect your nose. My nose and my veneers. Now, since I've like literally, I said that I was like, if I break my nose over this, I'm going to be so nose. My nose and my veneers. Now since I've like literally I said that I was like if I break my nose over this

I'm going to be so mad. But like it was a good time. Yeah. So nothing. And I should probably quit while I'm ahead. But it was so maybe it was my grand finale moshing performance. But I loved it.

Maybe. Yeah definitely be careful because they go at it. I mean. And it's really slippery. I don't remember that growing up. Because everyone's drinking so they're throwing their drinks around.

So you're literally like it feels like an ice skating rink. So dangerous. That's how I broke my slippery. I don't remember that growing up. Because everyone's drinking, so they're throwing their drinks around. So you're literally like, it feels like an ice skating rink. So dangerous. That's how I broke my teeth. I thought of you. Not a mosh pit, but a wet Florida bar. That's what I was going to. Well, I remember you saying something about like, it was like a giraffe on skates or some shit. And that's how it felt.

That's how I looked. So let's, we're going to take our blessings. And my nose costs a lot of money. Yes. Totally. Well, it looks amazing. Thank you. I will say I feel like Emo Night is something that brought not just you and I back together, but also me and Katie. I know you guys are so close and it is amazing how, you know,

music and something like Emo Night can just really reconnect people who had had a falling out. So I love that it was able to do that for all of us. I love that too. And yeah, Katie's the best. And also she, I like, we've always connected on that, that music specifically too. And I just know how much happiness it brought her. And you guys, like, it's just so fun to watch you.

I mean, the first time we were like back behind when it was happening and then I was in the crowd because we got there late this time. And it was like so fun to watch. And the people around us were losing their fucking minds. So, cause I was saying when you were up there, I wasn't sure you could because we had just gotten there, like even see us. And we're like in all these people. But everyone around us was freaking the fuck out.

Like they loved it. Oh, good. So you guys killed it. And we're like, do they like this? We're just up there living our best life. And we're like, I think they like it. They liked it. And I saw a group of girls right when I got on the mic.

So we definitely need to work on our DJ skills. Like when someone's going to get on the mic, when we turn the sound down, when we're going to switch songs, because we were a little rusty. It had been a couple months and we did not do sound check. We just got up there and we're like, yeah, fuck it. We'll just, you know, free for all. And there was one part when I went to switch and I was like, oh shit, that turns it off. But everyone thought I meant to do that. And I was like, yeah, totally meant to do that. But right when I got on the mic, I was going to introduce my new song and then ariana or katie hit play and so then i'm like screaming over to try and introduce the song and the band i wanted to give them a shout out without the music playing

so i saw videos and you could actually hear what i was saying thankfully up there i couldn't hear but i guess it did project and i saw a group of girls who were right in front of the mosh pit right when I said good as gold. They all freaked out and I was like, okay, good. We do have some true fans here.

Oh, yeah. And they were so excited. No, people were losing it and also, do you know what I saw on Instagram today? What? Emo night,

August 4th, I think. They're doing, or in August night, there's something. Yeah, it's the first Friday of every month. Wait, I thought that it wasn't, I thought it was every other month

in LA or something like that. No, first Friday of every month and then two weeks past the first Friday of every month. Wait, I thought that it wasn't. I thought it was every other month in L.A. or something like that. No, first Friday of every month. And then two weeks past the first Friday is in San Diego. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, there's plenty of time is what I have to say about that. So you guys iron it out and then go back again. Yeah.

So I had so much fun doing that that I'm actually going back to the studio next week with the band. And we're going to record some more stuff together. Shut up. Yeah. New songs or other things? Yeah, we're going to record some more stuff together. Shut up. Yeah. New songs or other things? Yeah, we're going to do new and then I'm actually going to put some more vocals on the Good as Gold one because it sounded so good. I didn't want to fuck it up.

So I was like, no, no, no, I'll just do the bridge, my little rap part. But then when I went upstairs to Bardot and actually performed it live with them, they're like, no, come out for the whole song. And I'm like, OK, again, didn't have soundcheck, didn't rehearse, practice, sing with them at all other than in the studio yeah once and twice I guess we did two sessions when we recorded it but when I got up there I'm like all right I guess I'm just gonna scream some parts sing some parts and I'm like maybe I should put a little more vocals on it so if we do perform this live again then we can do it together well sounds like you're going to yeah and. Yeah. And they're like, when are we going on tour?

I was like, wait, are you guys being serious? Are you fucking with me right now? Because that is actually my musical dream. I am the first one to say I'm not a great singer, but I can scream, I can rap, I can perform and put on a good show. Are you going on Warped Tour and you

didn't tell me? You know, it's in the making. So we're going to get back in the studio. And yeah, I'm like, that's always been the dream. If I could be like a Gwen Stefani Fergie, have all my boys behind me, how fucking fun would that be? Iconic. I mean, you looked good with them on Friday. So I'd like to see it again. Yeah.

Can't wait. Okay. So back to you. That started our weekend. It did. Epic start to the weekend. Can we talk about yesterday, how your weekend ended? Yeah, my weekend ended.

I would say it was a little more dangerous than the mosh pit. I did some diving. I got like, I mean, over the last few years, I've really ticked off many of the things that I, were lifelong dreams and things that I wanted to do. So last year I got scuba certified in Cozumel, which I know that you love, which was funny. Another thing I didn't know we had in common. So you had been there. Yeah. The water there, as you know, super clear, crystal clear,

warm, beautiful reefs. And for people who do want to dive, like it's a great diving location. So it was a great place to get certified. Hadn't done it since then. So Catalina is fucking freezing. It's very dark waters. There's not reefs like there's like a cool kelp forest to like fish to see. But it's also has a huge great white shark population, which I in a controlled environment like to see great white sharks, but definitely not in an environment where there's no cage. So yeah, did that. It shocked me how cold it was. Like I had a really thick wetsuit on and like a hood and everything. How cold are we talking? I think her dive computer said the coldest part of the dive was like 60 degrees, which doesn't sound that cold.

But like, I feel like maybe that was at the top because when you go. But still to be submerged because our ice bath right now is set at 53. Yeah. But we're not moving in it, you know. And how long are you in it for? Three minutes? Three to five. Yeah.

Yeah. We're down for like an hour. So it's a different thing, too. So it's like the wetsuit doesn't keep you super warm. So I had my first like panic episode that happened during it. And I'm usually I always say like diving is so meditative for me and I go somewhere else and like I'm able to stay calm. But like I get now how shit goes down.

So got through it, made it to the surface and was like, OK, I'm done diving in rough conditions. So I'm sticking to like Hawaii, OK, I'm done diving in rough conditions. So I'm sticking to like Hawaii, the Bahamas. Yeah. More Cozumel. Yeah. Places like that. Yeah.

So I had a pretty big weekend. Oh, and by the way, when we were first booking this trip, my friend who I went great white shark diving with is who I went diving with yesterday. She originally wanted to do it on Saturday. And I looked at my calendar and I was like, oh, we have emo night on Friday. Yeah. So I'm not going to be doing anything on Saturday and I looked at my calendar and I was like, ooh, we have emo night on Friday. Yeah. So I'm not going to be doing anything on Saturday. And I'm really glad that happened because I was not able to get out of bed because I'm not a 13 year old teeny bopper anymore that can jump around. So I was like down for the count all day Saturday. I know, right? At least bless

I did the right day. Yeah. But well worth it. Well worth it. Yeah. Excellent weekend had by all. Yeah. I think we're going to have to do it again. August, September. We just want to keep it going. That was the thing. I'm like, do you guys want to actually take this seriously? Make a DJ name for ourselves? Maybe do some of the other cities? Because I just think that would be so fun. Also, yeah, I want to go to all be your little groupie.

I fucking get me to Emo Night in the country. Yeah. Immediately. Yes. And I love TJ. He's so wonderful. So I want to support them in any way I can. Yeah.

It was so wonderful. I know. So I want to support them in any way I can. Yeah. It was so fun. Like, I think that, I know you said the first Emo Night was one of the best nights of your life. But this one, too, for me, I was like, this was literally in my top life moments. And the 27s, I just got to give another shout out to them because they are incredible. Performing live, Lando, the singer who also screams. I'm like, how do you do both? Is he the one that came up on the thing with you at the main? Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. He was amazing. Yeah, and then Kevin plays guitar. And then I think Jake and Gavin, who are also in the band, I feel like they're maybe not always, they don't always play with them. But those guys are all so dope. I have a quick bone to pick with Brock because I was standing next to him

when this was happening and right before the song came out, he's like oh my god, when this song comes on I'm gonna mosh. Because I had just like some 41 came out or something. So I just found out and I came back and I was like, okay, great. Then we're gonna do that because obviously no one else would do it. And the song came on, I looked at him and he looked back at the pit and was like, no, never mind.

Just kept taking videos of you. I think Brock worries that he's too big of a guy and if he were to mosh and someone were to get hurt, you know, then it's like, no, never mind. Yeah. He just kept taking videos of you. I think Brock worries that he's too big of a guy. And if he were to mosh and like someone were to get hurt, you know, then it's like, oh, the big guy beat me up sort of thing, even though it's a mosh pit. A possibility. He definitely worries about that. So as much as it sounded fun in theory, when he actually thinks about it, he's like, I am too big of a person.

I can't do that. I mean, it was probably for the best. And I was already like not in that state of mind. That was no longer the brain I was working with. I was like, let's just get in there. So yeah, totally. All right. We're going to take a quick little break and then we'll be right back. So you guys know it's Friday. It's Factor Fridays. It is what keeps me fueled and fed. And also my husband and my daughter. I got to tell you, Summer is obsessed with the smoothies. I do a smoothie every morning and Summer always wants to share. Brock and I have

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can you give some insight into why you were only on for season eight? can you give some insight into why you were only on for season eight? Yeah. So it's kind of a intricate answer. Like there's multiple things to it, but the long and short of it is COVID happened, right? So like timing is everything and the world became really different. Like the season I was on started airing in January of 2020. So by March of that time, all of a sudden the whole world stopped and wasn't really sure what was going to happen the show went on hiatus so that that summer of 2020 filming didn't end up happening and so it was kind of just like a waiting game of deciding what was going to happen now mind you there were a lot of other things in my personal life going on and you know even when you and I

had beef or anyone else on the show that I didn't particularly like or whatever, I always said I gave so much props and kudos to every single person who not only does Vanderpump Rules, but any reality show. Because when you're inside of it and you get to see how difficult it is, like it kind of sounds like a cliche, right? Someone's like, oh, I'm on TV. It's hard. But like it is really hard and it is extremely mentally taxing and it's extremely difficult for someone who has mental health issues to navigate those when you're dealing with constant source of contention and you're always having all these little stressors and triggers around you. So for me personally, I was working in healthcare sales, which is what I'm still doing now. Like

I had no intentions on being on television. I did not come to LA being like, I'm going to, I want to be on a reality TV show. That was not it. It truly found me. Yeah. And so I ended up going with it though, because I was like doing standup comedy at the time. And I had been doing this really serious healthcare sales career, my whole adult life. And I had a lot of friends that got to do gap years, like after college and, you know, do fuck around and travel and do fun things. But because of circumstances in my personal life that happened to me right when I graduated, I just, I had to be really serious.

And so I never like thought like, what's fun to you? What do you want to do? What, you know, in terms of life experience and whatever. So I just kind of jumped into this career track. So when the show did become available to me and I was doing standup by that point, I think I was 28. I was like, what else is there? Like, is this all it's ever going to be for me that I'm just doing this very nine to five corporate job, never really done anything else? Or should I take a chance and do the show? So I ended up doing it. But in doing that, I lost

the job that I had been doing. And at that time, I also lost my health insurance because of it, which is don't get me started on health care in America. I know. So when that happened, I was feeling really good because there are parts of it that are really exciting, right? Like people do it for a reason. There's huge opportunities that come from it. It's very fun.

Also, I'm a Leo. I will literally be the first person to be like, I love being the center of attention. Like I love being on TV. I loved it when I was getting recognized. It was cool and fun and exciting. And so and also for me when I was doing stand up at the time, it was good for that. And there was just multiple things that created this bubble that like hid from me how not well I was doing in a lot of other ways.

So when I lost my health insurance, I went off my antidepressants and medication, which was a very not smart thing for someone like me to do. I've been on them, I think since I was 21. And I had only gone off them one other time in my life. And the problem with medication, when it's working, you feel good and normal. So like, I was like, you know, it's been a few years, I'm in a different place, this will be fine. So I just quietly tapered off my medication and didn't tell anyone in my life because I was just like, this is going to be fine.

Terrible, terrible, wrong decision. So I go off my medication. The pandemic happens. I'm very isolated. I was single at the time. So I, anyone who is single, like had this experience. Like there were literally two months

when I was just at home 24 seven with nothing to do, feeling very unsure and very alone. So as that continued on and the show seemed farther and farther out, I looked at my life and I've been working since, I mean, when I say I had like odd jobs when I was like an 11-year-old, 12-year-old, that's not an exaggeration. I've worked my entire life, had my first real job when I was 15 and I've never had that stillness of not having work. And when everything happened with my mom and my life kind of fell apart, I very much put my self-worth and self-esteem into my job

because I was good at it. So it was like, okay, this is a metric in which I'm performing. And like, obviously I'm successful. People think I'm successful because I'm good at this job. And I've have this hard career where I'm working with a bunch of like older men and I'm competing with them. So it made me feel good. And then in that stillness, it was like, oh, you just ruined your entire life and everything you've worked for to be on a reality show for a year that mentally kicked your ass. And what do you have left to live for at this point? So it was just like a perfect storm of things. So when I really reevaluated, I decided to start looking for jobs in my chosen industry and got back into that. And then that was December of 2020 when I was talking to Bravo and Evolution,

if I was going to come back and I was just like, I can't do this. And also anyone who starts out in reality TV, people are like, oh, you make all this money. They don't pay you anything. You get paid nothing starting out because it's basically like earn your keep, like show that you have worth, that you add value to the show, which I kind of get, but they pay you nothing. So they basically wanted me to come back again, not making anything. And I'm like, look, I'm not being a diva. I burned through my entire life savings during COVID. And I've been unemployed trying to find work for a year. I can't just keep doing this. And then it's still months out from when we're even filming

where I'm like, I have like a month's left of rent. And coming from a childhood I came from that was nothing but financial insecurity. That was also really traumatizing and triggering for me because I've made it my business to distance myself from

having no financial stability. And that's why I chose to work the way I did and the path I did in terms of career. And it was just like such an ugly, scary feeling all around. So I was basically like, I'm taking this job. So I took that job. And then going into 2021, I was just like, in such bad shape emotionally, and just had to make the decision to get better. And I was like, you can't keep doing this cycle of every few years of having these big breakdowns and eventually you're not going to come back from it. So like, this is your choice. Take this job, start making all these small changes and be happy,

like find real happiness for the first time ever or sink. Like, what are you going to do? And so that's what I chose. Yeah. And going back to the show would not have allowed for that. No, for sure. I mean, especially when you do work a full-time, you know, corporate job, this show, it's just so opposite. So opposite. I mean, mind you, I regret nothing. And it's funny because when COVID happened, I felt really resentful of, obviously, I didn't die.

So I had a much easier COVID than a lot of people. Like that was such a hard time for everyone. But I was like, I took this chance. This is bullshit. This ruined my life. But I'm so grateful that something got in the way of me going back to the show because season eight went relatively well for me.

Like I could have gone back. I would have been, you know, pursuing, continuing, getting farther and deeper and everything. But if I hadn't had a circumstance to stop that I would have. And like, I'm so, so glad I did it because I I have no idea where the fuck I'd be right now if I had just jumped back into that and continue down the path that I was on. Yeah, totally. I mean, it's not an easy world to be in. You know, season eight for me was one of the most challenging seasons because I felt like here I am the only person

pretty much still working in this restaurant. I'm bridging all of these new people with the original people while still not getting to show anything in my career outside of this show. You know, I have a podcast. I do YouTube. I do all of the well at the time I wasn't doing YouTube, but there were so many things that I had done that never got featured. And I felt like that was kind of where I had a disconnect with you that was so unfair to you because it had nothing to ever do with you. And one day when I write a book, I really want to go into more detail about this because I felt like it was so unfair that I didn't give you a fair chance because I was jealous that you came on the show your first season and

boom, everyone's going to Dana's stand up comedy shows and everyone's supporting Dana's comedy career. And I'm like, what about my podcast? What about my show I did in vegas what about anything that i've done but it made it so right off the bat i had something against you and that was not your fault whatsoever and then it came across like oh you're jealous because she's dating your ex and i'm like first of all it was a guy i banged for like a month okay not my ex lol saw him yesterday by the way i saw him two days ago walking into a pbs how random is that I was literally going in to get like anti-nausea medicine for my dive and I walked in and was like oh hi

the most random thing ever and you know now we can all be friends again and the past is the past but I know that I have apologized to you before but I just want to say it again that I'm so sorry I didn't give you a fair chance.

And I feel like we could have had such a stronger friendship from the beginning if I was open to receiving you on the show. Totally. And I mean, and you don't thank you. You don't have to say that. But like, I think that you you did get a very unfair shakedown in that whole situation. But so did I. It was just like a perfect storm of a situation that was never going to work or be conducive

because of those outside factors. And also people, maybe they get it by now, maybe they don't. You don't see so much of what is going on behind the scenes. There's fourth wall shit

that happens. So all these other factors, it looks very different when it's on TV than what is actually happening. It's like the tip of the iceberg versus the entire iceberg. I don't know if that's too soon

because all the Titanic TikTok right now. But like, you know, it's there's so much the iceberg versus the entire iceberg. I don't know if that's too soon because all the Titanic TikTok right now. But like, you know, it's there's so much more happening than the very small amount you get to see on an hour a week of like what's actually going on. So, yeah, I mean, that was a shitstorm. And also I look back that version of myself is like, it's hard for me to watch. I actually haven't watched it since it aired. Like, I don't think I'll probably ever.

I don't go back and watch anything. When I meet new people in my life and they find out I was on the show, I'm like, I don't think I'll probably ever. I don't go back and watch anything. When I meet new people in my life, and they find out I was on the show. I'm like, just don't watch it. And if you do, like, if you have to, I would watch it with you. But please just don't because it's not a fair representation of who I am. Like, totally. I mean, that's like, I've had like five software updates since I was on that show. So like just me as a person and the amount of growth that I've had. But also some of the way that things happened for me on the show was my fault. Like I was just so insecure. I was so sad. I didn't understand my attachment style. And again,

people will, I sound like a broken record if you've heard me on other podcasts, but I talk about it incessantly because it's so important. It changed my life. Like learning my attachment style, understanding some other issues I had in terms of what mental illness is for me and how it presents. And like, I was just a sad handwritten book. And I was trying to fill the void with people that didn't give a fuck about me and things that weren't in my best interest. And I forgive that version of myself because I couldn't be who I am today, which I truly love who I am. And like, I'm very happy with where I'm at. And it couldn't have happened if I didn't go through that really ugly learning experience but like I regret nothing good I love that yeah that was

gonna be one of my questions is what do you think was the most positive that came out of it and did you have any regrets no I mean I think I would say saying saying Lisa Vanderpump has a fat pussy is probably the only thing that I regret Lisa if you hear this I'm sorry I was drunk you know it's so funny that they didn't show for, we were wasted. And I had literally two drinks that night. And I, you've partied with me a ton. Like I'm never a sloppy person.

But when I saw, the second I saw that scene, I was like, oh my God, I was so drunk. So I just said something stupid. So that's probably like the only thing I regret. But other than that, no, like I really do feel like I was authentically myself, at least who I was at that time. And I really, that, like I really do feel like I was authentically myself, at least who I was at that time. And I really that's what I wanted to do was just like see if it made sense for me to be

involved. But I wasn't going to change anything like I don't change myself or who's in the room or what the situation is or whatever. So I'm proud of that. I think that it does show. But also, yeah, like it was such an interesting life experience that I got to have. How could I regret that? And, and even like the hard stuff makes us who we are. So I, I fully embrace it. I think it's a super funny story in my life now. And like, you know, going into a, you guys are filming at the moment. There've definitely been times and conversations I've had in considerations about like, would it make more sense now just because I'm in such a different place and whatever, but ultimately it's just every single time I came back to the same thing, which is about like, would it make more sense now just because I'm in such a different place and whatever. But ultimately, it's just every single time I came back to the same thing,

which is just like, things are too good for me right now. And I really like where I'm at. And I want to leave it as this very weird chapter in my life. And now it's just like a weird story. Right? No, I totally get that. It's definitely a crazy world. It's not for everyone. But I'm so thankful that you were a part of it because, you know, now you're in our lives. So we wouldn't have had that without that crazy experience. Totally. And beyond the growth and the things that it showed you, because it does you really, it's hard to look away when it's like, oh, that's on camera. No, I said and did those things. The relationships that I got out of it, I think is the main reason I was meant to do it.

Yeah. Like I, I would do it again a thousand times to have the people I have in my life because of it. So it's like, how could you regret that? Totally. So would you ever do a different type of television show reality or scripted or anything else in like entertainment? I would say never say never because I've said things that I would like, I would never do that. And then I ended up doing it, but probably not. I would say I'd be more open to or amenable to doing something that allowed me to be myself because like to be on the show, it's like they made me work at a restaurant and I wasn't a server. Like that wasn't, it was just what made sense to introduce me to these group of people. And I get that, but I wouldn't do anything where I had to change anything about my life. So I would say anything's possible, but probably not. Yeah. I want to, I want to be a business owner at some

point. I'm not totally sure what that looks like, but I just very much, I like what I'm doing right now. I look forward to continuing to grow my career and just take over in that way. I love that. We're going to take another quick little break and then I really want to get into mental health. Let's do it. We're all excited because it's finally summer. But everyone knows there will be some days when it gets hot as hell and our fuses get just a little bit shorter. Especially now that we're back in production time. That fuse can be super short on those afternoons. You know, when you're drenched in sweat just from taking the garbage out. It always feels like everyone around us becomes a bit more

annoying, a bit more petty, maybe a little catty, a bit more in your face. If it's 90 degrees out, you know, every molehill morphs into a mountain. Trust me when I say this is a recipe for drama, Trust me when I say this is a recipe for drama, which I know you guys so enjoy watching. But to avoid the chaos in your own life and keep good vibes going all of summer, Harmless Harvest has some simple advice. Stay hydrated and mind your business. You might have seen my Instagram post of this with me and Summer Moon. If you haven't, go check it out because it's adorable. But the best way to stay hydrated and mind your business is to grab a Harmless Harvest organic coconut water. You'll replenish electrolytes and keep yourself so cool

so you can avoid losing yours. And when you see someone trying to stir the pot or you hear some wild stuff through the grapevine, stay out of it. Unless you're on a reality show, you kind of got to be in it. I know. But in life, it is tempting. I know. We hate letting wrongs go unrighted, but the road to drama is paved with good intentions.

So put those blinders on and just walk away. This summer, stay hydrated and mind your business. That's how Harmless Harvest does it. So go to harmlessharvest.com and use promo code Sheena for 20% off your first order or use their helpful store locator to find the best location, a retailer near you. A Dear Media original podcast. Her name is Coco. For a while, it seemed like Coco Berthman was everywhere. There was this girl from Germany who had been trafficked in a most horrible way. But in early 2022, it all fell apart and people started questioning everything Coco had ever said.

Is her name even fucking Coco? We don't even know that. I'm Sarah Gannon, host of Believable, The Cocoa Birthman Story, a new investigative series from Dear Media. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, so as I told you earlier, I was re-listening to your episode on The Balance Blonde, and there were just so many things going back to even your childhood. One thing that you said that super spoke to me and it's something that I've spoken about with my mom is never having the news on at home. I am someone who grew up watching the news.

My mom loves to watch the news every morning, every evening. And I have told her, when you're watching my daughter, there is no news on TV, unless it's like Daily Pop or something. No news. I do not want her to grow up watching that. But honestly, had I not heard you say that on the podcast, it might have taken so many times of me realizing that the news was on in the background. you know summer's only two but I do think there is something about that that can stick with them and I feel like a lot of my fears definitely

came from seeing so much at such a young age so when I heard you say that I was like oh my god a light went off in my brain and I literally literally immediately told my mom, I was like, make sure you never have the news on around her. So it is. So it's funny that that is something that stuck out to you. So it's it has a it has a clinical name. It's called mean world syndrome. So I learned about this in college and I had obviously already been way overexposed.

And it's basically like things that are on the news are on the news because they're rare and noteworthy. So, but when you are constantly overexposed to it, it becomes your reality of you thinking that all these horrible things that happen are just around you all the time. And it's not to say that they aren't, but they're not in as big of volume as you think.

So for me, it wasn't just news. My parents too, it was religious about the news, but they also watched Dateline, 2020, 20, 48 hours, CSI. My parents let us watch CSI when we were little. Same. All of that. Okay. So when you're a child and you're just watching that constantly and you, you're, you're trying to develop your sense of safety and what's normal and what isn't that really, really fucked with me. And like, I can't remember what I talked about on Jordan specifically, but there was a horrible movie that my mom had us watch. And my mom, I love her. Everyone knows that I love my mom. She was an incredible mom. She did it out of trying to keep us safe. Like

she wanted us to know I didn't grow up in a great neighborhood. So she was, it came from the right place, but it was the wrong execution. And if my mom was here today, we would laugh about it and she would apologize. And I would know she knew that she fucked up but she showed me this horrible opening to this movie this really violent thing it was like five minutes long and she told I remember it so distinctly

I remember like the universal picture coming up and my dad being like Julie I don't I don't want to have them watch this and she was like

no they need to know so they show us this five minutes of the most graphic thing I'm not even going to get into and she pauses it and she's like girls if you open the door when mommy and daddy aren't home, this is

what will happen to you. And we were going to bed and she was like, so mind you, again, not talking to my mom. I love her. I know that she didn't mean anything by it, but like, that's kind of how it started. And then it was, I was just always by her side watching TV. So anything that she was watching, I was watching. And I am so passionate about this now because I am such a hyper paranoid person. It has contributed to a lot of difficulties for me in my life. And especially with like times I don't feel safe and just being just overly hyper or like aware, like my fight or flight is crazy.

I know it comes from that. So now with my niece, Lenny, like it was the same thing. Like obviously my mom, my sister is just like the most incredible mom and not that she would like let her be exposed to this ever. But I'm like so passionate about it. Never, even if they're in the other room, we're constantly ingesting things through osmosis. It's not just what you're eating.

It's like, what are you listening to? Whose words are you consuming? Like the relationships you have, what are you reading? Things like that. I think it's all connected. And for little kids kids it's like you want to you don't want to make them naive there's obviously a balance of making sure that

they understand how to keep themselves safe you keep them safe but like they don't need to be watching all of that by any means and there are long-term implications I'm not say saying everyone will turn out to be a paranoid freak like I am but like for my brain chemistry it was just like a perfect storm of what should not have happened yeah Yeah, no, I feel the exact same way. And I've had conversations with my mom recently, like very open conversations that have been hard because I never want to hurt her feelings or offend her. And she's like, well, it just sounds like you're blaming me for it. I was like, no, no, no, mom. I am not blaming you. I think you did the best job you could do and you always wanted the best for me.

However, I'm now letting you know that things I'm realizing through therapy that happened when I was so young. And yes, I do think the news and being exposed to all of that at such a young age is one of the things where all of my fears come from. I have recently gotten on Zoloft. I know I told you I'm on, I think, week three now. And it has made a world of difference. I think originally when I got on it, it was a placebo because it's not like it works the first day.

No. But just knowing that I'm finally, after having a baby, putting my mental health first and getting on something that I was afraid to get on because, you know, there's such a stigma around Western medicine and prescription drugs and being on stuff for life. And I didn't know if that was the path I wanted to go. But the last three weeks that I've not had a sip of alcohol, I've not smoking weed. I've been taking my medication every day. I just feel more at ease. I feel like the intrusive thoughts have gotten less. I feel like I'm not thinking every single thing is life or death. Every day when I would put Summer down for her nap or I put her to bed at night, I would just like be crying. And thankfully, the room was dark at night, not during the nap time. But I'm just thinking, oh, my God, is she going to grow up one

day without a mom? Is, you know, they're going to be a day where I don't have a daughter. And there's just all of these crazy intrusive thoughts every single day that are slowly getting less and less. And so I'm like, okay, you know what? I know I did make the right decision getting on this and maybe I'm on it for six months. Maybe I'm on it for six years. Maybe I'm on it forever. But I do know that talking about it has definitely helped being able to relate to people like you who also found out more recently that you have OCD as well. Yeah. Okay. Well, first of all, I'm very happy for you. And I think that that's a brave, selfish choice also for your daughter, because you being in your

best condition, your best self is what is best for your kids anyway. So like that is an amazing choice. I have such with this podcast is only going to be an hour, but I have such strong opinion. I can talk about this forever. The stigma around Western medicine medication in this country is really bothersome to me. It's also really dangerous. I think that people, yes, it is. Are we overmedicated in general? Of course. But there are a lot of people that need these medications and a lot of people that could benefit from them that because of these stigmas and issues maybe won't pursue it. And for me, it was life changing.

It is a hard pill to swallow. Get it? Because we're talking medication. You know, thinking you'll be on these medications forever. But in the 10 years, 11 years I've been on them, the two times I've gone off it, I've, that was part of it was like, am I going to be on this forever? I know I will be on these medications forever, but guess what? I'm fine with that. That is a part of my day to day. These medications don't change my personality. They don't have long-term side effects. All they do is level me out so that the peaks and pits

aren't so dramatic and And that when things come on, it's more palatable. That's all it does for me. So that's between whoever and their doctor to figure out what that right medication is, what the combination, but they are really necessary for a lot of people. And I wish that more people wouldn't be so afraid of like the long-term because also if you aren't doing well, step one is to not look at it as this whole thing, like from start of problem to end, like you need to figure it out. Is this going to be your whole life? You need to look at today. Whenever you're having these issues, that's what I do. I still have days that I have down days and I have episodes. But what I do is break it up into a much shorter goal. Like you don't want to figure

out the long term. Just what is in the next hour? How do you feel better? What are the steps you need to take? Who do you need to talk to? Do you need to sound stupid, but like drink a glass of water, sit outside with your face in the sun, figure out what the rest of the day is going to look like. Worry about the future in the future. So I think that more people would maybe turn to these solutions that could really help their lives long term if they looked at it in that way. Yeah. But yeah, and OCD is a bitch.

I did not know that you had it. Yeah. And I didn't realize it. I mean, my whole life, I've always made, you know, the joke like, oh, I'm so OCD. I like things organized or this and that. And I never realized how bad it was until I started regular therapy a little over a year ago. Just I had a lot of PTSD from a traumatic birth. I had the miscarriage and then my whole pregnancy.

I was trying to stay as calm as possible, but I was a little anxious. I got off my I was on Wellbutrin for four years. I got off any medication when I was pregnant because I just thought that was what was best for her. And then I was like, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. And then very traumatic labor. I got help syndrome. I almost died. And then literally three days after I get home from the hospital, we start filming season nine. It was a lot. And I was breastfeeding for a year. So I still didn't want to get back on any medication. But after that year of breastfeeding, I was like, OK, if I'm not ready to get back on a medication yet, I need to get in therapy. And I wanted to try EMDR therapy. So I got with an amazing therapist who specializes in that

is also a mom and she has a lot of shared life experiences with me. So I thought she was just the perfect person. I was on a waiting list for like four months. And then finally, right before we started filming, she had a spot open and I was like, yes, amazing. I tried virtual EMDR therapy, not for me. We're talking about doing an intensive in person in San Diego soon, like an all day, the lights, the sounds and all of that. Cause I'm like, I'm not a candidate for virtual EMDR.

The talk therapy is hard enough, but it's fine because you're still having that connection. I see her face and we're getting where we need to go. But the EMDR, I hear the trash truck, my cat jumps up on me. It was just not for me. But through talk therapy about six months in, I was saying I finally opened up for the first time about an intrusive thought I had because I'm like, this is obviously the safest place ever. She can't tell anyone if she thinks I'm crazy. She can only tell me. And I told her about my first intrusive thought I had ever opened up to someone about. And I had two. It was one where I was standing on a balcony with Summer and I just saw her falling off it. Not that I threw her, but that she jumped and just there she went. Then I was

driving behind Brock and he was on his motorcycle and I just saw myself running him over, whether it was a semi that hit me and ran him over. But I just like, and I was like, I don't want to harm my husband. I don't want to harm my daughter. Why are these thoughts in my head? And I was like, if I'm going to talk about it with anyone, I'm going to talk about it with my therapist. And she was like, have you ever been diagnosed with OCD? I'm like, no, but I feel my whole life like I've had it. She was like, how are you with numbers? And I was like, well, let me tell you, I follow 420 people. I have for 10 years ever since Instagram, like, and she was like, and then she was asking me other questions. And then she sent me a questionnaire and she goes, okay, you know, it's like mild to moderate. It's

not completely debilitating. It's not super severe. But this is definitely something that, you know, maybe either see a psychiatrist or your general and you might want to get on something or do some different types of therapy. So I waited about six months, I thought, you know, like, no, I can do this on my own. I can do this on my own. And I honestly think it was when the whole scandal all broke that I'm dealing with betrayal of two of my nearest and dearest friends on top of court and the restraining. And it was just it was so much that I was having full on mental breakdowns at home, hyperventilating. My daughter sees me, then she starts hyperventilating. And I was like, this is not okay. I can't be having these breakdowns at home. Like I need to figure

this shit out. And so I finally, it still took me a few more months to accept that. I'm like, okay, no, you need more help than just therapy. And I got on the medication and I'm definitely feeling so much better, but I just had no idea that I could feel better, you know? Totally. And also it's funny for me is I, I've definitely had that my entire life, OCD. So I was only diagnosed last year. Mind you though, I also have many other formal diagnosis. So I was like, add it to the fucking list. Like, but there was a lot of peace that that brought me because it never even would have occurred to me because when you think of OCD people say like oh really clean person and I was like a slob good bob for many years and I'm definitely more neat now but like for me it was

definitely intrusive thoughts and it's thoughts that get stuck on a loop which is yes oh my god it's part of what keeps me up so I think that insomnia and OCD which are probably the two most challenging things I deal with and then like anxiety would be a close second. Feed off each other, right? Because part of the reason I'm up all night, people are like, why don't you just relax your brain, meditate, read a book. Well, I've tried it all. Medication, everything. Nothing works for me with sleep. It's because I'll get stuck on thought loops and they'll keep going and going. And sometimes my brain will pull from the most obscure. It's not anything that's happened to me recently. It wasn't even something that's necessarily super traumatic but years ago we'll just bring something up and then we'll keep it going all night long like this whole inner monologue that i'm having and

some some like the thoughts you were talking about sometimes it's really gnarly disgusting horrible that i don't want to see that my brain like forces me to see over and over and over like i had a big fear about Leo, my cat who I was obsessed with, who also recently died, which was really traumatic about a month ago. I was really scared about him dying all the time. So that was, you know,

and then that's just how life is sometimes. But in weird ways, I would picture him being stuck in my washing machine because my washing machine opens outward, not up and down. And cats, it happens. Cats die in washing machines and dryers because they like, they're quiet and they like places like that so like if people aren't paying attention they'll like get in it to the point that i would not close my washing machine and start the washer until i

made eye contact with leo i would find my apartment i would close like close the door but not turn it on make eye contact and then turn it on and sometimes i would make eye contact a bunch of times yeah and i was like, wow, the fact that that never occurred to me, like, huh, this is kind of weird. Like maybe this is maybe not a normal thing you're doing. And then like, if anyone else was doing the laundry in my apartment, I would then have to force them to have that image in their head and be like, be really careful with him. And then like other weird little things that I know are really bizarre, some not related to him, to other people I love, things happening to me, like just

uncontrollable thoughts. So when I found things happening to me like just uncontrollable thoughts so when I found that out it was just a big breakthrough and was like okay the first step is admitting you have a problem and understanding that this is what you're dealing with and with my therapist she's been very helpful in tying that specifically to different things in my childhood like I know exactly where that came from now and how it has started and kind of gotten worse in my life. But it's definitely been a plateau in a good way of like, okay, this is information you know now. To unlearn 32 years of that is a really challenging thing to do. But I'm up for it.

And also looking at other alternative therapies besides just cognitive therapy, which is what I've been doing for like 10 years. But it's a good starting place. And I felt a lot of relief in it. And I've also found a lot of relief in it. And I've also found a lot of women in my life experience the same thing. So like, in talking to Jordan, in talking to you, it's more common than I think people think it is. Totally. And that's why I like to be so open about it. Because, you know, shared life experiences

just help people and know that they're not alone. You know, I never, ever for 37 years opened up about intrusive thoughts that I've had my entire life until one session in therapy last year. And I'm like, why did this take me so long? Then I had the open conversation with my mom and then my mom tells me how bad her OCD is. And now we're doing therapy together.

And that's just definitely helping me because between my mom, Brock, and I, the three of us are raising Summer we all need to be on the same page we all need to you know just understand what each other needs and my OCD has just been it got to the point where it was debilitating

and the thoughts on a loop like mine was the dumbest final straw for me was when Ariana and I threw out the first pitch at the Padres game and I didn't throw a perfect pitch and for the entire game I just kept re-watching it but over and over and I even sent it to my mom and she was kind of like I mean yeah you know it wasn't the bet and I was like oh my god oh my god now you think I did but and it just I couldn't enjoy the game and I was like this is so stupid Sheena you just did an amazing thing you got to throw out the fucking

first pitch of this game. Get over it. You still made it over the plate. He still caught the ball. But I was at that point, I'm like, in my next therapy session, I'm going to, you know, talk about this. And then I'm getting on medication because it was just it was too much. And it was just stupid at that point.

Well, and sometimes it is more trivial like that for me, too. Like I it's not always these like horrible scenarios where like someone you love is dying or whatever sometimes it's just really stupid shit and then i part of it again goes back to my attachment style but i think everyone's mad at me all the time i constantly have a fear of that so i like think if i misinterpret text i'll like i'll read i'll read i'll read a sentence of a text message i'm like wait they said yeah instead of you and then i'm like okay what have i done wrong yep what's happened here and then i'll bring it up to them and then i obsess about it to people that are like dana nothing is wrong what are you talking about i I'm like, okay, what have I done wrong? What's happened here? And then I'll bring it up to them. And then I obsess about it to people that are like, Dana, nothing is wrong. What are you talking about? I make up like issues in my head with every relationship that I have. It's like something so frustrating that I do. Or then when they respond in that way and they're

like, nothing's wrong. Then I have to obsess about the fact that I was like, see, nothing's wrong. Now they think you're crazy because you brought up something's wrong and nothing's fucking wrong. Literally. And then, so then I have to spend the next two hours of my life dealing with that and it is exhausting like the most exhausting thing i've ever dealt with and i know that you do but it's just so frustrating when those things happen but again the first step you can do if you think something is up or interrupting your life is talk to anyone about it even if it's not someone who is a therapist or trained clinician like starting to have these conversations because then maybe someone, you know, make a light go off in your head like, oh, OK, maybe this is something I need to look into further.

You know, I literally do the same thing, like especially with Katie is the perfect example, you know, because we're re getting into being friends again and just relearning where we are in life and what we need from a friendship and all of this. And we're in a very great place. We had a little dinner date, just the two of us the other night, emo night, everything like we're having so much fun together. But prior to that, you know, if I would text her and she didn't respond, right, I'm like, Oh, my God, wait, did I say something on a podcast? Is she upset with me? Wait, hold on. And I'm like, racking my brain of like, why isn't Jen? I'm like, No, she's just bad at responding. It's okay. She doesn't, it's not

just you, but I would have to talk myself off a ledge too, because I get so many scenarios in my head of like, why isn't she responding? She hates me. We're not, we're not friends again. She, no, she's mad at me. I did something. It's like, oh my God. I'll give you a great example. On the way here, I was five minutes late. I'm, I am the most psychotically punctual person alive I'm 20 minutes early to everything if I'm not I'm always like I'm in a car accident like something terrible's happening yeah so I texted you on the way and like hey I'm five minutes late whatever and you said no worries just parked and you didn't say like any exclamation points or any emojis or whatever and you are so like you're very responsive and you always do a bunch of exclamation points so I literally looked at it like three times I was like wait I thought you

were gonna say like no worries at all then I was like she said no worries and then no exclamation point or anything and I was like god I bet she's mad I literally did that on like three times. I was like, wait, I thought you were going to say like, no worries at all. And I was like, she said no worries and then no exclamation point or anything. And I was like, God, I bet she's mad. I literally did that on the way here. And I was like, okay, I'm almost there. Sorry. And I'm like, why would anyone be mad over five minutes? It's fucking fine. But I still had to do that.

And I read into the fact of like how you, and by the way, these people you're having these issues with in your head have no idea this is going on for you when they're just like having normal text messages. Now that I do know that I will be more aware to put an exclamation or a kissy face or something. It's a fucking me problem. But yeah, it's like. But I'm the same way. So I completely understand that. I relate to that. I do. And it sounds like, well, Dana, it doesn't sound like you've made much progress. I really have. And the biggest thing is just knowing that it's there and what it is. So at least you can recognize it. And like, I do catch myself now

when I'm spiraling of being like, okay, this is still hard. My brain is difficult to stop when I'm doing this, but at least I'm aware, Hey, take a step back. This is probably irrational, right? Like this whole thing is probably just happening for you. And it's one sided and no one's probably going to stick your cat in a laundry machine. And like, it's just easier to at least take a step back and be like, okay, I'm at this level. If I can get to this level, that's a better place to start. Because each time, like Gabby Bernstein, who I talk about all the time, she's obsessed with her. In her book, I think it was Happy Days or one of them.

She talks about like this level of 20 emotions and basically whatever the worst one, it's like anger or whatever. She basically talks about the same thing. Instead of trying to get from 20 to 1, why don't you get from 20 to 19? So it's like neutrality feels better than rage, depression, sadness, any like extreme emotions. So it's not about feeling good. It's about getting to a place where you can aim to start working toward good. But it's unrealistic sometimes when you're in those spirals, those moments to get from 20 to one. Why don't you get just a few steps ahead? Because that still feels better. And that'll still be an easier place for you to start continuing to move forward.

But yeah, it's just not realistic to like, go from one to the other. I need to go back and audio book some of her stuff. I think it was called super attractor. Actually, maybe that wasn't super attractor. I also told you to read universe has your back when we first met and was like, this book has changed my life. And you're like, I don't like to read, but you have been listening to audiobooks. Love it. It's just like a podcast. I need to go back to that because I remember there was one chapter where she was talking about how comparison is just like the devil. And that's something that is so hard on this show in this industry. Who has more followers? Who gets better brand deals, who like the comparison where it's like, we're all different. We're all our own brand. But it is so hard sometimes to not

compare yourself, you know, comparison is a thief of joy. And by the way, everyone has different metrics to what success looks like in their life. So you're basing it off whatever works for you. Whereas they're over there looking at your life doing the same thing. It's just an interesting that's something that I've really reconciled recently because I am so blessed. And also if you look for blessings in your life, they're going to continue to appear. But if you're looking at everything from a place of,

I don't have enough and your cup isn't full, like nothing is going to progress for you in the way that you want it to. So I always try to start there, but like everyone has different blessings and everyone has different deficits. And when you try to compare, when you're looking at the lens of your own life, you're going to fail. There's no way to come out of that being like, oh, I feel good about the scroll I just did on that person's Instagram, dissecting all the things that they have that I don't like.

I feel better. Like, no, you don't. You feel worse. Go take a fucking walk. Go outside. Like, what are you doing right now? That is literally what Brock and i have been doing to reset we take summer out we've made up our own song it kind of plays off the bear hunt song but

it's like we're going on a squirrel hunt and we just go outside we go look for squirrels we feed them some crackers and some nuts and it's just like i don't have my phone on me unless i'm taking a cute video of her but that's just our little reset if she's having her terrible two tantrum, I'm like, you want to go find squirrels? You want to go see some birds? Let's go find the neighborhood cat. And it just like for all of us is just a good reset just to get out in a little bit of nature and just not worry about the other shit. Do you know what I've been doing lately? Okay, so emo night part of this for me of why I love it so much is anything that is inner child work for me is very healing and feels very therapeutic. So like last year I learned how to play tennis because I just didn't get to do tennis lessons growing up. And I'm currently looking for a piano teacher

just because I just really want to learn piano. I've never gotten to do it. I've been roller skating and I've been having the time of my fucking life. I got my own pair of skates. I've been my friend took me to a rink. She's like really good at it. I was able to like skate backwards like I have that figured out. But like just things that are fun and stupid and I don't give a fuck how I look. I'm like out there with a bunch of eight year olds. I don't care. It's really fun to me. That's what I like to spend my time doing. Just like more activities like that. So whatever it is, if it's the squirrel song, if it's roller skating, if it's scuba diving and almost getting eaten by a shark, whatever it is, but like just constantly like we all have inner child shit that needs to be worked on. And so it's just like more lighthearted

things. Everything is so heavy these days and especially with social media, which I am a part of contributing to. So are you like we're all on it. We all make this culture. But like whatever you can do to feed yourself offline is 10 out of 10 recommend. Yeah. I had never really done any inner child work until right before I got I think it was in between the miscarriage and my pregnancy with summer. And I did a Reiki session for the first time. And she was like, out of nowhere, I've never even really talked about this. She didn't know anything about the show or anything like that. But at the end of the session, she goes, so I spent a lot of time with your 12 year old self today. And out of I'm, I don't know, 3536 at the time, but I'm like, out of every year

of life, you could have chosen. Why did you pick 12? Like, how did she know that that was the absolute worst year of my life where I woke up every day and just wished I was dead, but would never have been suicidal and actually killed myself because I didn't have the balls to do that. And I just was in such a bad place. I was getting bullied so bad. I didn't open up to my mom about it. I didn't want anyone to know. But 12 was the absolute worst year of my life. And she was like, I really spent a lot of time with her today. And I was like, oh, my God, that 12 year old kid does still live inside of me. And then I had someone recently on Patreon reach out and said, you know, I feel like the reason why you rode so hard for Raquel is literally taking care of that like little child inside of you.

And I'm like, that's so true. That's why I was so ride or die for that girl. Because I'm like, I know what it feels like to be that. And like, I want to help you because no one helped me, but no one knew at the same time. Totally. And I mean, that was a really mind blowing thing for me too. And that's what that was.

My, like, I'm really protective. And my therapist was like, yeah, because you weren't protected at certain times of your, you know, developmental life that you really needed that. She had me write a letter to a version of myself when I was younger. And like, what would you say if that little girl was sitting in the room with you? What would you say to her? Like, how much would you apologize and hug her and tell her how sorry you were? Like those things happened

and like go easy on her. And that was like really fucking mind blowing to me and was a big moment of healing and moving forward. Like, it's just so crazy what I see my niece or you see your daughter now, like the way that you would talk to them. Why can't we talk to ourselves that way and realize that that still lives inside of us. Those wounds are there and it's not too late to, it's not the same thing, but it's not too late to tend to them yourself. And there's something really powerful about that. Totally. What all kinds of therapy have you done? Have you done EMR? I know you talked about, I think it was called TMS. So TMS has still, I'm probably going to do it this summer. It was I, cause I was figuring out if I was going to do the six, like you had talked about the week intensive course,

there's a week intensive, but it's literally 10 hours a day, Monday through Friday. And then there was one that was six weeks and I think I'm going to do the intensive. So mostly just cognitive therapy, but I've looked into DBT and other ones as well, but I think TMS is probably the best fit for me. So I'm really excited to do that. What is that exactly? So TMS is called transcranial magnetic stimulation. So they basically map your brain and they find the areas of your brain that are both underperforming and overperforming. So for me, my anxiety response, my brain is over producing that. When depression happens, my brain is underperforming and being able to like regulate serotonin and things like that. So they map your brain and then they hook you up to this big machine. It's basically like a really low dose of MRI, which sounds scary, but it's FDA approved.

There's been no side effects and people, my therapist also was like, I think this is the best one for you. The things that you are, would be going to seek a solution for, it's had the best results for in terms of insomnia, OCD, depression, anxiety. So yeah, I'm really excited about that. And that there are so many other options than there used to be when it used to just be talk therapy. And then before talk therapy, it was no one talked about anything. So I think we've continued to get better and I'm really excited to move forward with it. Yeah. Well, I'm excited for you too. And I feel like we could literally talk for another hour. Hey, we can come. We'll do more episodes. Let's talk about it all. Yeah. Speaking of more episodes, I hear you have a podcast coming

out. Yes, me and Katie have been working on that. So right now we are figuring out ironing out where we're going to land. but I'm hoping that that will be out in the next two months or so. Love that. So working on that. I'm really excited. I did a podcast like off the cuff in 2020. The Wine With Me? Yeah. Yeah. Well, so that was on Instagram, but I had one called Unfuck With The Bull that was just like fun to do and it was kind of a whatever. And then when I started working, it just like, I just didn't have time because I was doing it all myself, but have been dying to do that. I love podcasting. Love that you had me on today. And in general, I'm just like super excited about it. And I would love to have you back for sure. This is so good. Thank you so much for getting

into some shenanigans with me finally. I'm so glad we did this. And also we don't just have to talk about mental illness. We can also be fun. So we have other like fun things to talk about. But yes, thank you so much for having me. Love you. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye. Thanks for listening to Shenanigans with Sheena Shea. Download new episodes every week on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.