Scheananigans with Scheana Shay - Mental health check in with Tori Keeth

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

TRIGGER WARNING: The following content discusses multiple forms of trauma including sexual assault. The dialogue may be emotionally challenging and triggering. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, you are not alone. Help is available, speak with someone today. Dial 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.    This week, Scheana and Jamie Lynne sit down with musician Tori Keeth for an honest and vulnerable conversation about mental health and trauma. Tori opens up about being a sexual assault survivor and her fear of leaving her house. They talk about intrusive thoughts, OCD and the role it plays in everyday life, and the importance of seeking help. Jamie talks about finding out she has ADHD and the changes she’s made in her life since. Scheana gives an update on Brittany's birthday celebration in Vegas. Follow us: @scheana @scheananigans       Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.   Go to www.factor75.com/scheana60 and use code scheana60 to get 60% off your first box   Produced by Dear Media  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Before we get into today's episode, I want to let you all know that it contains discussions around mental health, sexual assault, and suicide. So I just wanted to give everyone a trigger warning before you continue listening to the full episode, but it is a very, very good discussion. My friend Tori opens up about so many personal accounts in her life. And I think it's a really good one for everyone to listen to. From Vanderpump Rules to Motherhood and everywhere in between, it's time to catch up with Sheena Shea. This is Shenanigans.

And now, here's your host, Sheena Shea. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. I gotta tell you, I'm feeling good as gold. Well, hello, everyone. I hope you are feeling good as gold today.

I am back from Vegas in studio. We've got my girl Jamie Lynn back on the co-hosting mic. How are you? I'm good. Hi, everyone. And we have my friend Tori Keith, who is going to be our guest today. I'm the guest. You've been on the show before. Since then, you have sang at my wedding. I know. And you were surprised. You didn't know.

No, it was so beautiful. I thought maybe something at the welcome party. Yeah. But then that didn't happen. So I was like, oh, I'm just not going to do it. And Shelby, my wedding coordinator, was like, we have so many surprises. And that was one of them. That was it. Everyone cried.

Your mom cried. No. Hugged me so tight. Everyone cried. It was so, so beautiful. It was really sweet. I had fun. I love you.

Just wanted to get you back on the mic. Sometimes I feel like I need to have my friends on my podcast just to hang out with them. I haven't seen you guys. Just to chill. Yeah. I know. I haven't seen you in so long until we just did the last podcast together. That's how I get to hang out with you now.

I'm like, we got to just get back on the podcast. We used to do this every week. We used to see each other every single week. I know. And now you have your own podcast, Jamie, all over. Let's give it up. Yeah. Let's come back to shenanigans.

But I was like, you know what? Let's sit down, catch up, because I know both of you haven't been out that much lately and just want to kind of get into why. Yeah. I'm going to put my headphones on. Was the last time I saw you at the wedding in August? Have I not seen you since then? I think it was.

No way. Yes. So crazy. Because right after your wedding, I kind of stopped going out. I did. Yeah. I mean, I completely isolated myself. And it's something I do very often.

And it's so hard once you get in the routine of not leaving your house you're comfortable you have everything I really invest like money into my space because that's where I'm at most of the time so get breaking that routine it starts to feel like it's a fear leaving because I'm in this comfort that I've built and it's safe and nothing can happen to me and I'm just there. Yeah. Do you have social anxiety? No, I don't.

I've just with, should we get into it? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Get into some shenanigans, get into some whatever. I did want to catch up with you about Vegas and I feel like if we go back to that after this. You go first. Vegas.

Yes. Vegas. Can you hear from the go back to that after this. You go first. You go first. Vegas. Yes. Vegas. Can you hear from the voice? I can. Yeah. It looked like you guys had so much fun. We did. We had so much fun. So it was me, Brittany, Kristen, Zach, a few other girls who people don't know, Elaine and her sister. And yeah, it was just so much fun. But like one of the girls who came, Michelle, she and Brittany have gotten close. And then her and I totally bonded this weekend. Her daughter is about to be three when summer turns to their birthdays are like a week and a half apart. She's adorable. She's like the face of this new guest campaign. Yeah. Okay. So the husbands are friends. Okay.

Yeah. So it was us and then one of Brittany's friends from Vegas and Lala was supposed to come and then she ended up being sick and wasn't able to make it, which was a bummer.

I felt guilty having, we were like having so much fun and she wasn't there and she was still in the group chat. She's like, I can't even check the group chat because I have FOMO. She's like sick in bed,

dying. And I was like, I'm surprised you're still in the group chat the second I knew I wasn't going on that trip I would have been like and Sheena has left the chat wait yeah why do people stay in the there there are so many instances where people stay in it I'm like I'd probably stay in it I would want to like know what's going on and like I still feel connected no I don't get only stay in a group chat if it's like after life is beautiful. But say I left on day three, I'll stay in it to see what everyone's doing day three because I was already there. Okay, that makes sense.

If it's something I'm not going to at all, I'm not going to be in the group chat because I don't want to see it. But also your phone is blowing up. Yeah. I have them on silent, but like. Wait, so how many days were you there? Just two. Two nights.

I got in Friday at like five and then came home yesterday. Did you stay at the Venetian? Did it make that up? How was it? Yeah, it was beautiful. It was all decked out for Lunar New Year. And it was so fun. We did Magic Mike.

I got Britney brought up on stage. Yes. Oh my God. It was so good. They brought her up for the Candy Shop song. And they lay her on top of the bar and literally put whipped cream in her mouth, on her chest, on her legs, like lick it off. It was. I would be so upset with that. I would not be into that. Oh, no. She was so into it. And then right after she goes, send the video to Jax.

Did he respond? He just responded, OMG. And you got to see my friend Jacqueline. Yes. She hosts it now. I haven't seen Magic Mike since she started hosting it. Yeah, she was so good. I mean, I've seen that show. This is probably like my 20th time now.

So I pretty much have that entire script memorized. You could host it. I could totally do it. Yeah, but it was so much fun. We had a really, really good time. My voice is paying for it now because we were just screaming the whole time then we had like a massive dance party where we're just singing every song from like the late 90s and early 2000s and then it was 4 a.m and we're like oh we should go to bed you're like we're moms yeah i know look at us i know i love

that zach was there though because it was like all girls and then Zach. And Zach is the most fun. That's where Zach shines is Vegas. Yeah. Like he's fallen asleep at like 4 a.m. at the Taco Bell Club. There's a club. Oh, yeah. Taco Bell Cantina. What?

He ordered a bunch of food, fell asleep, and then the janitorial staff had to kick him out. And I'm just like, that's Zach in Vegas. Yeah. But it was all girls did you guys get hit on we did so what happened yeah because most of you are taking the rings yeah I was like I'm not interested let's walk this through so I'm a guy and I'm hitting on you and I'm like I want you to tell me what you would do hey baby you're so hot good and good looking what's your number that would never happen like that.

Have you seen men hit on women before? No, because also here's the thing. I want to know. No, I want to know what you say. How do you turn people down? When a guy comes up to me, I don't know if they're a fan or if they're hitting on me sometimes. They'll just come up and start talking. And then there's this one guy.

I mean, a straight male. Well, I couldn't tell if this guy was gay or straight. I didn't know. But he came up and he looked like excited to see me. And then I'm also with Brittany and Kristen. And so he comes up and he's like, hey, ladies. And I was like, hi, how are you? And I had just met a fan behind me. So I just thought, you know, maybe this was one of his. I don't know. And so I start talking to him for a second then i realized oh he has no idea who i am and he just wants to talk and then he kept wanting to shake our hands why what do you mean he was just like he was like holding his hand out and i just didn't feel like shaking his hand and so he was just like oh like no can i get it like a fist bump and then he's just talking and

i go we're all married sorry like i thought you just, I thought he was a fan and maybe wanted a photo and that wasn't what it was. So I was like, you can go. Not trying to make a friend right now. So. Or a fan. See, that's the worst. They're just like, when they just stick around, they linger.

Yeah. And I'm like, get out of my space. Yeah. And I shook his hand once. Like when he came up, he introduced himself. I shook his hand then. And then when I was like, I'm not going to keep touching you. And you wanted more?

Yeah. That's so creepy when they just want to touch you. Yeah. Like, even just your hand. So I was like, no. When you're, like, in a club and a guy walks by and, like, grabs your waist. I'm, oh, my God, I want to punch someone. I feel like they do that less now.

No? No. Really? I was out the other day and it was, like, moving and grabbing. And it was old men. And I was like, oh, oh my gosh. They didn't get the memo. No.

They don't. We just went back up to the room. We're like, we'll just have our own dance party. Yeah. Just I mean, that's a bus time. Girl time. Yeah. With one guy.

Yeah. Just. Oh, she and I had to kiss once at a club to get this guy away from us. Yeah. We were forced to do it. To get to like saying you guys were dating. Yeah. And he didn't do that all the time.

It didn't work. He just wanted to be involved. It just makes it worse. See, that's what's so annoying is I'll be out, like if I actually have a girlfriend, I'll be out walking on the street. And this one guy, this one time was like, oh my God, you're so hot.

And I said, this is my literal girlfriend. And he said, we just haven't been with a good man like I'm gonna join you guys they have no like is there anything in here is there just a marble shaking around like sometimes geez it's ridiculous they don't get the hint yeah even if you say that you're in a relationship I know but what they do take seriously is you say that you're in a relationship. I know. But what they do take seriously is you say, if you say you're with a man, they're like, oh, okay, sorry. They back off. Interesting. But they don't, that's what I've learned.

Like, well, because you've actually had relationships, right? With women? Yes. Interesting. They think it's like a invite and it's not an invite. Yeah. It's disgusting. My sexuality is not a fetish for you.

Yeah. Not doing this for you. I literally just have a girlfriend and she's pretty and I like her. Yeah. It's disgusting. My sexuality is not a fetish for you. Yeah. Not doing this for you. I literally just have a girlfriend and she's pretty and I like her. Yeah. How long were you together? Well, I've had multiple. My first girlfriend, my first like girl love, we were together for a few months and she's still my best friend. It's weird. And like the queer community, it's weird and like the queer community everyone really just stays friends and I was just I just had a boyfriend we broke up recently and um I was like yeah I'm gonna go hang out with Kelsey like my ex-girlfriend is that okay and at first he was a little weirded out and then he saw us together and he was like oh my god like you guys are just best friends. She was at my release party. Oh really? Yeah. She was one of the blondes there.

I'm into blondes. Oh. Yeah. Okay. But yeah, it's just like very normal to stay friends. But I'm like, I'm friends with all my exes. I actually am now too. You are.

Yeah. One was just here on the podcast. Right. Right. Yeah. I am with all but one. Yeah. For good reason. Good reason. Totally. Good reason. Right. Right. Yeah. I am with all but one. Yeah. For good reason. Good reason.

Totally. Good reason. We support that. Definitely. We were just talking about, I wouldn't call Danny an ex, but I met him at your release party. I had him on my podcast

and he was like, Tori's going to kill me that I came on Jamie Oliver before she did. Before I did. Fucking asshole. Can I cuss? Yeah.

Okay. You can say whatever you want. Great. But he and I are good friends and it's so funny because we're just having a conversation because we're both like,

well, what the hell are you two? Yeah. Like, what are you doing? What is this? Yeah. It's been since, when was your release party? Oh God, June?

Okay. June. It was in June, right? I don't know. When did my song come out? No. I don't stream Lovesick. Wait.

I think it was like around Ariana's birthday, maybe. I think it was. Yes, it was. It was the day after. It was the day after. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

June 24th. Yeah. Okay. Then it was on her birthday. Yeah. That's it. Wow. Yeah.

It's been a minute. So it's my six month friend-iversary then with Danny. And kiss-iversary. And we've kissed. And I was like, I don't know what we're doing. Like, I told him I just want to be friends. But then after your wedding, on the flight back, I was like,

hey, Danny, I think we should be more than friends. Oh my god. And he's like, alright, fine. I was like, just say the word. And then like, it still has not happened. Yeah. So I don't know. It's the weirdest situation. But we're just like kissing buddies.

I think we're supposed to hang out after this. Well, I'm hanging out with my ex after this. Are you? Yeah. Maybe we can go home. Because they're best friends. Yes, they're best friends. That's so funny.

No, it's so good. I am not hanging out with my ex after this. She's hanging out with her husband. Yes. I was just at Rob's studio in Studio City. That's right. Yeah. At my ex Rob's studio recording a podcast. Yes. He wasn't there, but his book was. So I saw his face on the coffee table. Yeah. But his studio was so nice. And he was so nice to let Kale and I use it for my podcast because we wanted to do a video and we had a guest in town, Stefan Speaks.

And we were like, we need like some place to do video because this is a really big guest. Like, he was like one of my goal guests to have. So thank you, Rob. Love you, Rob. On that note, we're going to take a little break. All right. Everyone knows how much I love getting food delivered to my front door. And as much as Brock and I love to cook, we also have a toddler. We're always on the go. We're here. We're there. He's going in the office now. And sometimes it's great to just have a good old meal from Factor ready to go. You heat it up in two minutes. It's fresh.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Will Cole. As a leading functional medicine practitioner, I have had the unique position to see so many alchemize their pain and health problems to their purpose. Now I want the same for you. This podcast is the manifesto for a new breed of health seekers, where there is a fresh infusion of grace and lightness into wellness.

This is the art of being well. Join me every Thursday for a new episode. All right, so that was Factor. You guys, meal delivery. If you're staying in and hibernating and you need some good food. It's a good segue. That was really good. You know? Back to hibernating and you need some good food it's a good segue that was really good you know back to hibernating yeah before we talked about vegas we're talking about me and how i really

self-isolate i can get into it i yeah i've learned through therapy that the reason i do that is it's a coping mechanism to protect myself and i I am a sexual assault survivor. It's happened to me twice. I struggle with mental health my whole life, really. I isolate myself in order to keep myself safe. Because if I don't leave my house, nothing bad can happen to me and I'm learning now that it has hindered my mental health my life experiences I feel so alone and like I'm missing out I'm 24 I should be going out and and meeting people and going to parties and having fun and going to lunches, but I can't, I can't do that. So I'm learning now to break down those walls because they were built and they served me for that time being, but they don't serve me anymore. So I have to figure out how to reconstruct and teach myself that it's okay to go

outside. It's okay to hang out with people. Well, I'm so sorry to hear that you are not once but twice a survivor of sexual assault. I did not know that about you. Can I ask how long ago it happened? And is that the reason or is that the main reason why you feel protected in like indoors in your home? Yeah. So the first attack happened two years ago and it was my best friend from when I was four years old. He was my best friend. He was a part of my family and we were hanging out one day and he raped me. I can't explain the intricacy of how that affected me because A, obviously it's an assault and that's horrifying. But B, it was someone that I have loved my entire life and was supposed to protect me from these things and is the one that did the worst thing possible to me. Yes.

So it taught me in a very horrible way, you can't trust anyone. You can't trust anyone. Or you can't trust yourself or your own judgment. Right. It makes you question that. That's exactly because I'm a very outspoken person. Like you guys know Sheena. I am just like Sheena.

I speak my mind. I don't hold anything back. I'm very strong-willed, hard-headed I say no I fucking mean no and I will make it known and so I've always thought if that can happen to me it's hard to explain it can happen to many and it does it does sadly yeah so I'm sure there's a lot of people out there that can relate to this and I don't know the stats on it but I do believe that it's it's one in three women okay oh my god yeah that's that's insane and then I don't know like is it mostly people that they know or is it strangers it's um I mean the same with like murders I'm very into true crime um it's always either the husband or a family member. So yes, for me, the both times

that's happened to me, it was people in my life that I knew. It wasn't random people. And I think that's what makes it so hard. Yes. Yeah. Because I was terrified to let anyone in after that. I started to heal after the first one, after the first attack. And I was feeling okay. I went through this period where a lot of survivors, they get hypersexual and I couldn't look in the mirror and see my body as mine. I saw it as this happened to me. This happened to this body. So what a lot of victims do is they try to win that back by being sexually active and hypersexual. So I went through that period just trying to gain control of my body and gain that power back, being able to make these decisions of I'm deciding to do this. So once I started to heal from that, it happened again

with someone else. And this time I was like, I went through the victim blaming stage of here's what I could have done. I could have got up. I could have ran. I could have hit. So the second time I did all that and it still didn't work. And that's what's so hard because when people ask me about these attacks, they're like, well, what did you do? Oh, that's a terrible question. Right. What did you do? Were you drunk? No, I was sober. Were they drunk? No, they were sober. People do bad things, not under the influence. You need to understand that. People will say to me, like, what did you do? Well, why didn't you fight back? I did. I'm five three. I can't I can't do much. Yeah. And after that, I fell into a hole

because I was like, I got through the first one and I taught myself that it's okay to trust people. It's okay to let people in. And it happened again. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't. And it was a really, really dark time. And I look back at it and this is why I'm speaking about it because I'm so happy I'm here now. So are we. So are we. Yeah. Thank you. So happy you're here. Yeah. And my life has become so beautiful. I'm in so much therapy. And I had plans to end it.

And it's weird how things happen because the night that I had plans to end it, my sister was going to a party. We lived together. I did her makeup. I got her ready to go. She was about to walk out the door. The Uber was there and she had this gut feeling that she shouldn't leave and she didn't leave oh wow wow I just got

chills yeah yeah I love your sister I know I do too you guys oh my god yeah it's really wild so can I ask how long ago that was that was last October okay not like this this October 2021 yeah or 2020 like a couple months ago no no like the one 2021 yeah yeah 2021 yeah okay so how you got into therapy shortly after I got well it took like seven months my sister took off school and I'm so thankful oh it makes me emotional I'm so thankful for my sister. I was not good, obviously. And my sister dropped out of school and like took care of me. And we just kind of hunkered down and focused on getting me better. And I'm lucky that I knew I needed help and I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. So I was looking into therapy. I wanted to go to treatment centers and get help, but

they're so expensive. They're like $30,000 to go away for like two weeks. So that didn't happen. But I got in therapy and I don't And do you guys know about EMDR therapy? Yeah, I've tried it, but it wasn't really for me for what I wanted. I thought just after having the baby and all of the intrusive thoughts and all of that, I thought, oh, I, you know, have past trauma and I need to do EMDR to heal. And the first time we tried to do it, I just, I don't know if it was where I was at. If I was just distracted, I could hear, it was like trash day or whatever.

And I just like, I wasn't in the office. You know, it was over a phone, over Zoom and I'm doing the tapping and it just, it was not resonating. I'm like trying to think that, oh, I'm worried about summer choking because I choked when I was like seven. So go back to this memory. And I'm like, this is not it. It's not it. And that's when I realized, okay, maybe this isn't the right type of therapy for me. And after several months now of working with this therapist, that's where now she realizes that I most likely have postpartum OCD. And at the time, when I'm having all these intrusive thoughts

and doing all of this, it wasn't postpartum depression. Because like when you go to your six week checkup, they basically just check if you're okay to have sex again. And then you answer some questions of like, are you depressed? And that whole checklist,

it just, it was so weird how, you know, a doctor is just going to tell you like, okay, you're good to have sex again, like six weeks later. Yeah. But there was just so much more. And when I was answering this questionnaire of all of the questions about postpartum depression, there was a few that I wanted to say yes to, but I'm like, but I know none of the others. So I'm like, if I say yes to these, what if they diagnose me with this? This isn't what it is. I know this isn't what it is. And now a year and a half later, I realized that that was postpartum OCD. And so last week in therapy, I did this like six page questionnaire checklist and my therapist, she's a family therapist. She's not a psychiatrist. She's not licensed to technically diagnose me.

I'm still looking for the right psychiatrist for that, but I'm also not looking to get on meds. So it hasn't been like front of mind. Like I need to do this now because I love my therapist and she's doing work with me with exposure and all that, which I want to get into with you as well. And yeah, so she said it's like mild to moderate OCD, but also postpartum OCD is often misdiagnosed as depression and so now she was like yeah EMDR is not what we need to do because that's not

what we need to treat. Well EMDR is reprocessing memories yeah if the people watching or listening don't know EMDR basically goes in it's how my therapist explains it is you. She goes like this with her fingers. You follow it. You have a memory in your mind and you're basically on a train ride and your brain takes you on a drive and you look out the windows and you're just seeing all of these memories. And basically at the end of the train ride, like at the end of EMDR, you kind of come to some sort of conclusion.

And if you're not needing to reprocess memories with OCD specifically, exposure therapy is the only way to get through it. Like obviously EMDR for more traumatic things with OCD, but exposure therapy is amazing. And I'm proud of you. I want to ask you like what your OCD is like, and did you experience it before pregnancy? I've had it my whole life, but I think something with having the baby like that postpartum, it definitely triggered a more intense version of it. Like the intrusive thoughts are now about this child, you know, and just my biggest fear in the world is her dying or Brock or my mom, my sister, my dad, you know, like that immediate family. That's just my biggest fear. But then I also have a fear of drowning and

not that I've ever drowned, but I had two really bad experiences with water. And now I'm like, terrified to go underwater. If I do, I'm like, I need the goggles with the nose piece or I have to plug my nose and go under for like two seconds. I'm like, I can't hold my breath. I can't hold my breath. Like, I can't breathe underwater. Obviously, you can't breathe underwater. I'm not a fucking fish. You're not a mermaid.

But like, now that my daughter is starting to learn how to swim, it's like I want to be able to do these things with her. But I am just so terrified of that. Something holds you back. Yeah. And so I know there is trauma there. But also, I know that it's been OCD my whole life. Like there are just so many things thinking back and especially with numbers. Like I finally, for the first time since Instagram came out, followed more than 420 people.

I was going to say, I keep track on that. I even texted you about it before. I was like, are you okay? You follow 421. Yeah. No. So that was the first part of my exposure therapy that I just decided one night I was out at an event. I met two girls who I'm still going to have on the podcast. They don't live. One of them doesn't live in LA, but I was like, you know what? Why am I following 420? Because I like to look at the number because like I used to be this cool stoner chick like I don't need to follow a certain number of people yeah I'm missing out on connections I can make with people in these relationships when I want to stay in touch with people I meet at events and whatnot but it's like then I have to go unfollow someone else and then someone notices I

unfollow them and it was just it wasn't an entire thing for you. No, it really was. But it was like, I needed to see that number. And even I would delete posts. So I always had under a thousand posts on my page. And it was just like a numbers thing, the volume on the TV and so many things like I'll be sitting here and just like count and just little things like that. And so I've always known that I've probably had OCD, but I've never gone to a psychiatrist. It's never been so debilitating that I needed to go to a psychiatrist or get a medication. And same with my mom. But after now, like the last eight months that I've been in therapy and realizing like, oh, there's postpartum OCD.

That's a whole new layer. It's like perinatal OCD. And I didn't know anything about that because it's not really talked about. But the intrusive thoughts like I'll be on a balcony, say, and I'm holding Summer and I just picture her going off the balcony. Exactly. And I'm like, I'm not going to throw her off the balcony. I know that I'm a sane person. But what if she jumped out of my arms and like it's just like, what if you did it? And what OCD does is it it latches to your biggest fear. And it's like you want to do this. So intrusive thoughts are like, I want to throw

her over the balcony or like what happened? And you visualize it. What if I what if that did happen? What if I accidentally drop her? Oh, my God. You don't want to do that. Yeah. You're, you're, you're in, like you said, your insane mind, but OCD attaches to your vulnerable spots and it runs with it. Yeah. And a lot of people don't understand that OCD is not just turning the lock three times. Exactly. that OCD is not just turning the lock three times and washing your hands six times. It's not that. It's very intense, intrusive thoughts. And the only way that you feel okay with it is by rituals. And so like for me, my rituals will be showering multiple, multiple, multiple times until it feels good. But the thing with OCD is it never feels good. It never ends up because you'll just find something else to focus on. I'll focus on, oh my God, my sheets are not pulled up this way. Or my sister is in her room right now.

I think she's dead. Like I haven't heard her speak. I think she's dead. Your mind will constantly find something else to attach on or to latch to. So the only way to get through it, which is what my therapist calls it, is like evidence. So like I would do with my ex-boyfriend, I would have panic attacks. He said he'd be home in 30 minutes. It's been 31. Not even, we looked at the messages. It was like 30 seconds after 30 minutes and I'm crying and I'm imagining his funeral, what I'm wearing, who's there, what I'm going to say. Is his family going to talk to me? I've never met his family. These are the things that goes through my mind. OCD is a very visual disease.

It's a disability. That's what happens. So what I started doing was my therapist would say, okay, Brendan will text you an hour after he gets home. In that time, I journaled what I went through. I was fucking terrified and devastated. And I thought my boyfriend died. And I saw him in my head getting in a car crash all these things but it didn't happen yeah it didn't happen so that's evidence

it's evidence showing myself that it's okay to do these things and also you can probably relate I don't know the difference between a gut feeling or an intrusive thought. Yeah. I will have the other night I was going out and I forced myself to, but I had this intrusive thought of this is my last night. I'm going to die. The Uber driver is going to crash. Someone's going to roofie me and kill me. I this my family is going to be alone. Normal people would be like, I'm having a gut feeling.

I just don't think I should go out right now. For me, it's the same thing, but it's not a gut feeling. Didn't happen. It's an intrusive thought that my brain thinks is true. So reminding yourself, it's just a thought. Yeah. No, I know. I have to tell myself that all the time because I have those same feelings. Even Vegas this weekend, for example, Lala and I were both under the weather all of last week. And she was so bad that she couldn't. I was like, I can rally. I can rally. And then the flight was a little bit delayed. And it was just like, that's a reason. And then I was like, OK, Sheena, get out of your head. You are going for Britney. You're going to be OK. You're not going to go to the club tonight. You're going to feel fine tomorrow. Like, it's fine. But like the whole time, like I'm in the Uber and I was

like, is this when he gets in the car accident? And then I'm on the plane and then the plane's delayed taking off. And you're like, this is when I should get off. Is it? And that was just so many things that even we get to Vegas and then it's like, OK, but then they're like they're going to the club. And I was like, I'm not going to the club. I went back to the room. I was fine. I had some me time. I slept a solid eight hours uninterrupted. And I woke up feeling perfect.

Went to Magic Mike. Had the best time. It was great. Nothing bad happened. But the last time this happened, when Raquel Brock and I were supposed to go to New York, the flight got delayed so much that it was like a red eye flight turned into 2 p.m. the next day. It was crazy. It was crazy. And that I was like, there are too many delays happening here. It was Ocean's birthday party that my mom was taking summer to. I was like, I'm staying in L.A. I'm going to Ocean's birthday

party. Something is telling me not to go to New York. It was intrusive thoughts and a gut feeling. But it was more the gut feeling. And Raquel had it too. And she's like, I don't think we should go. We're not supposed to go. And I was like, even if it's not the plane crashing, it's maybe the taxi on the way from the airport to the hotel or something.

When we're out, there's a mass shooting. I don't know. Like those happen all of the time. It's so sad and scary. And I think about that shit all the time. It's so sad and scary. And I think about that shit all the time. And like, I don't know.

I feel like it's more common in people than you might realize. I just don't think people talk about it. Exactly. We sound crazy. But they're also not educated on. They're not educated on what it is. There are people on TikTok

that are spreading so much misinformation about, oh, an intrusive thought. I have this intrusive thought of, I think I'm going to text him. No, my intrusive thoughts are like, I will do a full face of makeup fully. Like, and I have to go somewhere. And my mind is like,

you have to fucking wipe it off. You have to mess it up. You have to mess it up because what's going to happen if you mess it up? And there's one time that I, it is so strong and I had to do what's considered a ritual and do it. And I took it off and I had somewhere to go. And those kinds of things, yeah, it seems small, but it's like you were, there is a fight in your mind nonstop. And what I say is it's a strainer like for noodles. My thoughts, everything goes through OCD first and then it's like, you know, a thought. It's obsessive. Yeah. I definitely think there's different levels, you know, and there's obviously

that line drawn when people who like both of of you, actually do have OCD. But then you take someone like me and anyone else who may be listening. I can relate to things that you're saying as well. As a baby, if I'm holding Ivy, what happens if she falls off this balcony? You think of it and then you feel guilty. Am I a psycho? Why would I have that thought? But there's actually a book called Imp of the Mind. And our brains do that to us. I don't

know what the purpose of it is, but it doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you crazy. And strangely enough, it's somewhat normal behavior for the brain to act in that way. But I do see, you know, differences with like how much further it, like how much more debilitating I think it is for both of you. It's very normal for people to like you said, everyone thinks that way. You always think like, oh, my God, what if I died tonight? Yeah. But it's the thing that makes it OCD is how debilitating and obsessive and what's the word like visual it is.

And you can't let it go and you have to do something to make you feel better but do you ever feel better no for a minute but I mean there are times I've taken six showers in a row I get in I get out and I'm like this doesn't feel feel right I have to get in get out but that's the thing when I say it doesn't make me feel better yeah that makes me feel better for a second but then I'll find something else that doesn't feel good. And I have to do something to like fix that or sit on that and focus on that. So it's a never ending thing. And as soon as you can stop it, it stops from trickling into more. So what is it that you have been working on with exposure therapy and like reprocessing and all of that? What has

been helping you the most? Honestly, going back to my childhood and realizing that it started when I was so little, when I was a baby, I wasn't I was in eating therapy when I was 10 months old because I just couldn't do it. And then I was in therapy when I was in second grade because I could not go to school. It terrified me. My dad, it's the sweetest thing, but I would cry. Like the thought of going to school traumatized me. It was horrible. So what my dad did is he told the principal, he told all the teachers, we're going to be five minutes late every single day. So my dad would drop me off and every day he'd be like, oh my God, we're late. We're late. We got to go. We got to go. So it turned into this fun thing of us running in the rain and running

and trying to chase each other and beat each other to get to class. And I couldn't think about it. And I had to rush in the door and realizing that these things that I'm feeling and I've felt my entire life, there's a reason for it because there's this disorder. There's whatever. Like as soon as I can place a reason with something, I'm able to sympathize with myself and learn how to move forward and work through it. I don't know if any of that made sense. It makes total sense. And in fact, I was just telling Sheena about this. I'm in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, which is insane to me. Yeah, that's crazy. I'm looking back now on all of the symptoms that I've had my whole life and all the things that

I'm very upfront with on here or on Jamie Oliver. I'm just like, I need to stop procrastinating. That's what I'm going to work on next. Or I need to stop this or that, or I need to be more organized. And funny enough, it was a goal that I had for 2023. I had like a list of nine goals that I wanted to achieve this year. And number nine was to get more organized because no matter how much I will clean my house, everything becomes a disorganized mess. And then I'll go somewhere to like Sheena's house and everything is like so perfectly organized. Not today. But like forever, it's just made me feel like I'm lacking.

Like, why can't I do that? Or like in school, I could not pay attention if a subject did not interest me or if I already knew what they were talking about. I would just check out. I would cut class, ended up dropping out of high school because of it. And it's not because I wasn't smart. It was because I learned differently. And so what I'm learning now is like, wait a minute, my brain works differently than most people. And just learning that. Isn't it freeing? It was such a weight lifted off of me that if you come to my house now, everything is organized because I learned how to do it. If you have ADHD, there's different ways to approach

things. And I was just trying to fit myself into this person that I thought I should be. And I was lacking in all of these areas, I thought. And it's just that my brain works differently. You just work differently. Such a freeing process to figure that out. And it's just that my brain works differently. You just work differently. It's such a freeing process to figure that out. And it's because you start to have empathy for yourself. And that's what I'm learning is to empathize with myself and let myself do the best I can do and applaud that. And I keep getting lost in my thoughts, but I mean, just figuring it out.

But it can take you back however far when this first started. And maybe people, teachers, people have said things to you that stick with you for your life. Like, you can't do this or how come you can't do this or what's wrong with you? And now you can kind of go back now that you know what's wrong with you, which is nothing is wrong with you, but you can go back and be like, they were not right. Like, I'm not stupid or I'm, you know, I'm not a failure. Like you can go back and reprocess those things. It's easier to know what it is. I don't know, a diagnosis. It's just, it helps so much in healing and moving forward and breaking down all of the things, especially with OCD. It's just a thought process and ADHD. It's a

thought process and a way of life that you've been stuck in your entire life. It's an entire life's worth of habits that you're having to now break down and break through. And it is so great to learn that not every single person thinks like this and you don't have to think like this forever it can you can you can heal yeah and you can recover and OCD luckily is something that if you continuously work on you just beat that habit yeah I mean it's been 37 years for me of always knowing there's something off but literally never ever opening up to anyone about it and you guys know I'm an open book yeah I talk about everything but the intrusive thoughts I'm like I'm not gonna tell people what goes on in my brain they'll think I'm crazy there's no way I'm telling people this that's like probably the

biggest secret I've ever kept in my life and then it was six months into therapy. And just one day I was like, okay, obviously you're the person I can talk to about this. I was like, can I just tell you something? I said, so yesterday it was just, it's just bothering me. I said, I was driving from San Diego back to LA. I said, my husband was on his motorcycle in front of me. I don't want to kill my husband. I love my husband, but I just pictured, oh, my God, what if I ran him over? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then I'm just like, I'm driving so carefully behind him. And I'm like, not even me, literally like stepping on the gas and running him over. What if someone hits me and then I run him over? Just I was like, I just had this crazy thought.

And she was like, and then I started going into some other things that I had thought about that week. And she goes, have you ever seen anyone about OCD? I'm like, no, but I've always felt like I had that. And she goes, okay. So she was, now that you're saying this. And then she asked me, she goes, how are you with numbers? And I'm like, oh my God, let me tell you. And then I told her about my Instagram and everything.

And she was like, okay, wow. But it was like six months of therapy. And I never even opened up about that. It's terrifying to be like, I think about killing people and stuff. But I'm like, I know I'm not going to run him over, but every time he's on his motorcycle,

I picture him dead. Yeah. And it's just terrifying. Because it's your worst fear. It attaches to your worst fear. Yeah. It makes you think you want to do that. And you're like,

what? I know I'm a good person. Yeah. You've lived and I feel so so i know how it's like and i feel bad that you know what it's like too because it's terrifying to not know i think the worst part was not knowing why we were having these awful thoughts and these very very visual thoughts of really scary things happening that you don't want. And you start to think, oh my God, why is that in my brain? Is anyone else thinking this? Because I don't think they are. No one's talking about it. Yeah. So I'm just happy that you were able to relieve yourself

of any guilt or shame. And that day I felt the biggest weight off me I came downstairs and I just started sobbing and I told Brock and he was just like okay well now we know now we know what we need to work on I'm like but it's just like I just felt so bad even thinking these things like I was walking downstairs to cut open a package and I had a knife and I'm like oh my god what if I slip and stab him I'm not gonna slip and stab him yeah but I pictured it and I'm a knife and I'm like, oh my God, what if I slip and stab him? I'm not going to slip and stab him. But I pictured it. And I'm just like, and I told my therapist, I'm like, I don't want to harm my husband. She goes, I know. She's like, trust me. When you put the trigger warning and they're like, we know it's not real. I know. But I'm just like, that's why I've never talked about it before. But I'm like, you know what? Now that I've opened up to a therapist

about it, I'm going to open up to the world about it because that's what I do. I'm an open book and I share my full story. And this is one thing that I had never shared before. And then me talking about it on my podcast with Lala, you heard it. And then you opened up to me about that because I know that there's other mental health that you've struggled with, but I didn't know how bad your OCD was. And so now that's like another thing that you and I have, unfortunately, sadly, but for us, yeah, no, it makes you feel so much less alone. It's such an isolating disorder. And it well, that's what I feel like what I'm learning through learning about the ADHD too, is that women are better at repressing things. And we go through these like mental gymnastics

to repress things because we're like, oh, we're supposed to be good at this. Or I'm a mom. No one can know that I'm thinking this way. Or I need to be, you know, this wife who does all of these chores perfectly. And so they'll overcompensate for it more than men. So that's why I feel like men can sometimes

get diagnosed easier than women can. And I think it's just a combination of us as women. If we do notice these things, we, I mean, I've been to countless therapists. Not one therapist has figured it out for me. I figured it out for myself. Because you're smart. So thank you. And you know your body and you're intuitive. But it and you know your body yeah you're intuitive but it was an accident to be perfectly honest never mind I you could still say I'm totally smart and she's hot but I was getting back to like my goal to organize I was watching a YouTube video about hacks for home organization right right? And then you know how YouTube will automatically put on another video?

Yeah. Hopefully this was just fate. But the next video is how to organize if you have ADHD. No way. And the woman started going through all of her issues. And I'm like, wait, that's everything that I'm struggling with.

So then I look up all the ADHD information. It's like, yeah, women often don't get diagnosed because they don't always have the hyperactivity portion of it. And they also repress it a lot more. So there's so many young girls that it's completely going unnoticed. But with the boys, they suffer from the hyperactivity more. So teachers can notice that or parents will notice that more. Because they're acting out. Exactly. So as women, I think just in general, we repress things way more than men do. But also, you know, on that same note, we also have to self-advocate because not one of my therapists, like I said, realized that, you know, and then in therapy, she's like, oh, you just need to do more self-care. And I'm like, oh, my God, how many face masks? I'm like, look, we're not going down this road. I'm like, that's not going to help me.

And in fact, you telling me to do this makes me feel worse. Yeah, because that's not going to help me. I was like, this is what I need to work on. This is what we need to do. And she was very, you know, thankfully she was like, okay, I understand you better now. And she, then she started asking me the right questions, but like, I've had so many therapists that I didn't even get to that point with. I just keep like, I just kept asking for a new one, asking for a new one. And that's so

exhausting to have to start over again, again, again. That's why it took me so long to get a therapist because I was so dead set on the one that I have now. I went on a waiting list. I don't wait for shit. Like if I want something, I'm like, I'll just get something else, you know, but I was like, no, I want this therapist. And I was giving myself until the end of May. It was end of May or end of June. But I said, like, before we started filming season 10, I needed to have a therapist. And I think our filming date got pushed a little bit. But I was like, OK, if it's not by the end of this month, I will start looking for someone else. And the last week of the month, I got an email.

Spot's open. That's so weird. Yeah. She's like, I don't have room for couple therapy, but I do have individual. And I was like, that's great. That's what I'm looking for. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just thankful that you use your platform because that's something I do too is bringing awareness and talking about the uncomfortable things. I shouldn't have to feel ashamed when I talk about how I was sexually assaulted. It wasn't my fault. They should be ashamed.

They should be ashamed for doing that. Yeah. And it's part of who I am. It's part of my story. And the amount of women that I've helped just talking about it and being vulnerable

and honest and people realizing, oh, wait, that's assault? That's happened to me. I didn't know this. And we also talk ourselves out of it

because we don't want to admit that that's what happened to us. Well, because I don't want to be a bother also. I don't want it to happen to me and that's what i did but i also don't want to be annoying and i don't want to be trauma dumping and i feel like that's something that's put on women when they're honest about things they've been through and fuck that yeah like fuck that guys can talk about how they just jacked off in the bathroom before they came and hung out. Like, I can talk about this and not feel annoying.

Yeah. One thing I will say about that, though, is we also need to be careful that if we are in therapy, that we actually are healing. Because a lot of times, and this is not to put down therapy or therapists, but a lot of times you can just get into a rut where all you're doing is just talking about this. And there's no plan of action. There's no healing in sight. Same thing like if I take a year off of dating to heal, if I'm just sitting at home, I'm not healing. So we have to be very proactive about how we are approaching our therapy. And even whether it's with girlfriends or with a therapist that we're not, and yes, there's something to be said for talking about

it and getting it out of your body, but the next step is healing. So we have to make sure that we're always working towards that too. And being honest with your therapist, which I feel like a lot of people don't. They go into therapy and they just talk about what the other person did. I go into therapy and I'm like, I said something really mean to my boyfriend today. And I don't know why I did that, but I want to talk about it. You have to be open with your therapist, speak about what you did wrong and be open to hearing. Yeah, that maybe wasn't the best thing. Let's dig into why

and how to stop it and I not to pat myself on the back but I'm very vulnerable in therapy and talk about where I went wrong because I want to be better I don't want to be paying for therapy just to have someone be like yeah that sucks that happened to you no I want to know how to grow for the people in my life and for myself. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Well, thank you both for being here and opening up. I know just this conversation when people listen to it, it's going to help so many people. And that's why we do what we do.

So thank you, Tori. Tell everyone where they can find you and listen to your beautiful music. Thank you. My name is Tori Keith on all social medias, Spotify, Apple Music. Please stream. And also, there are so many resources out there for cheap therapy and psychiatrists. And there are a lot of places you can go to learn and to get help. So please, please do that. Take care of yourself.

Put your healing first. And I love you. I love you, too. Take care of yourself. Put your healing first. And I love you. I love you too. Bye. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.