Scheananigans with Scheana Shay - Tears & Fears with Dr. Gertrude Lyons

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

 This week, Scheana is joined by Dr. Gertrude Lyons, life coach and speaker who took a deep dive into motherhood while getting her doctorate at Wright University. They talk about fears of being a mother, where they come from, and rewriting the mother code through understanding and releasing them. Dr. Gertrude also discusses feminine energy and where guilt comes from. Scheana opens up and gets emotional about her deep rooted fears and thoughts when it comes to being a mom. How can you use triggers to your advantage? What are some strategies to soothe your nervous system? How can we re-parent ourselves? Tune in now to find out. Follow us: @scheananigans @scheana   Shop The It's All happening Collection    Produced by Dear Media See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Hello, hello, everyone. You are good as gold. And here we are getting into some shenanigans today with life coach and speaker Dr. Gertrude Lyons, who really took a deep dive into motherhood while she was getting her doctorate at Wright University. I got a pitch to have her on my podcast and I was just like, oh my God, there were so many things I could relate to, especially when it comes to fears around being a mom, because I have had the fears around motherhood since before I was ever pregnant, same as she did. And now being a mom

every day, it's just, I'm just afraid of something. It scares me to the point where, you know, I'm definitely in therapy and there's a lot of things that I'm working on. And I'm going to update you guys in the next few episodes. I'm going to do a Q&A with Brock soon and let you know kind of how my therapy journey has been going and some things that I'm going to be working on. But for this episode, we're going to talk about mothering different than your mother dead. We're going to talk about feminine energy and how that's not just for women, but how you can apply it to other parts of your life. We're going to go into some mom guilt, identifying triggers, tips to overcoming mom rage. It's such an exciting episode and I can't wait for you guys to hear it. So let's get into it. Hello, everyone. This one today,

I want to say it's for the ladies because I know it's mostly ladies listening, but my guest is not just all about the ladies, but she is all about that feminine energy. She is the founder of Rewriting the Mother Code, lead faculty member, senior life coach, and director of family programs for the Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential. Miss Dr. Gertrude Lyons, how are you? Oh, I'm doing so well. Thank you so much, Shayna. It's just a delight to be you? Oh, I'm doing so well. Thank you so much, Shayna. It's just a delight to be here. Yeah, I'm so excited to have you. When I got the pitch to have you on and they sent me just everything you're about and your website and everything you

speak on, I was like, this speaks to my heart. Do you want to just, should we just get right into it? Yeah, let's dive right in. Yeah, wherever you want to go. I'm game. Okay, so one thing that I read about you was that you had this deep-rooted fear of being a mother. And that's one thing for me. I mean, I am a new mom. My daughter's about a year and a half. But I just feel afraid every day. It wasn't, it was, I had a miscarriage before her,

my whole pregnancy, and I've just had this deep-rooted fear as well. So I wanted to ask you, how did you feel safe enough to release that fear? Yeah. So thanks. We are jumping right in. I love it. I do. I really do. Thank you. Yeah. So a big part of my mothering journey. So this was pre-conception. This was me just when I, because I was one of those women, I'd gotten married, but my husband and I had started doing some couples counseling and growth work. I would have thought like, okay, I got married and my mom said, well, now you should have children, right? So that programming in my mind was

kind of robotic, like, oh, I should have a child now. Okay. But we started listening to our own voices and my husband and I decided we wanted to wait some years because we were young. We were mid-20s. We're like, we have some time. Let's be a couple first and whatnot. So then as it started approaching and I'm like, well, I've always wanted to be a mom

and so it should be no problem there. But when I went off birth control, I didn't get a period. So immediately things weren't working as planned. And so there's that fear, like, oh, this thing I thought I would always, I was just made for supposedly, one of the mother and miss, because we're made for much more, but that's a side note. But at the moment I I thought like, oh my gosh, right? So I started on this journey and a holistic journey of looking physically, looking emotionally, looking spiritually at like, what does this part of the journey mean? And I really kind of disliked my encounter with the Western medicine message, which was all about, well, it looks like you have a problem. So, well, the immediate fix is always like,

take this medication. And believe me, that serves its purpose. But I'm like, I'm not there yet. That sounds scary to me. But it was really this deeper personal exploration that, and I was doing therapy at the time and, and then a modality of like some deep, like breath work and body work and something. Well, I might cry, but we'll see. Oh, I'm sure I will as well. You know, that, that came up unexpectedly and in this breath work, body work session, I'm afraid to be a mother. I'm halting all things happening inside there because I'm afraid. But what came after that, it's like, okay, yeah, we could all be afraid to be a mom, but it was that I was afraid to be a mother like my mother had been a mother. And that was upsetting, disturbing. It's like, whoa, what did that mean?

And all of that to say, I had no idea all that was going on inside. And this fear that I would do some of the things that I didn't like about how my mom mothered me to whatever child I had. And I felt like I had no control over that. And it scared the, you know, the crap out of me. But once I got to that awareness, I could release it. Then I could do something with that. It's like, okay, you know, I felt all the feelings about it. Yeah. The fear, the upset, the anger at my mom even, but not a blame, you know, but like, the anger at my mom even, but not a blame, but this is an okay kind of space.

So that was that initial fear experience. Now, I've had numerous since then, but I think having that one be so big and hit me so hard, it also gave me a pathway to realize that there's going to be a lot of things that are going to come up that I'm afraid of on this journey. And it's, you know, unless I decide to like, look at them head on from, you know, some of this historical material, they're just, they're, they're going to control me and I won't have control of the situation. Yeah. Well, I feel like this was also a pathway for, you know, your whole brand that you've built with helping women. So that's why I kind of wanted to jump right into that because I know that was a little bit of the background of where you've got to where you're at today. So tell me a bit about, you know, rewriting the mother code. I know for the last 21 years, you've been empowering individuals, you know, whether it's couples, parents, families to just

be the best at everything they do. So obviously this came from personal experience, but can you tell me a little bit more about the rewriting the mother code? Yeah, absolutely. So if we look at it, you know, I'll just kind of name some of what that actually is about. And then we can also maybe look at like how it came to be because I didn't get to this because I did it all so perfectly. Now I'm going to help women, you know, rewrite their mother codes. It was because I hit a big awareness when my daughters were teenagers that it's like,

wow, I was in the midst. I was I was a coach. I was supporting other parents, mothers, people on this journey of conscious parenting, consciousness, self-awareness type things. But there was a point in my mothering that I kind of stopped doing my own work, you know, and it kind of became about others. It became about my children, became about like what I knew at that point about helping other women, couples, you know, whoever, but I kind of shut myself down, you down. So that hit me. That was something that hit me pretty hard much later with some big regret and remorse. And that's when I decided to

study it. That's when I decided to look at like, well, how did that happen? I'm steeped and I'm in a community of support and I can still shut it down. This is hard. But I also knew from experience and seeing other people that were hanging in there and doing it that it was also beautiful. There was something about staying engaged and present with yourself and your own growth journey as you raise children that had a lot to offer. So I decided to study it. And that's when I got my second master's and then a doctoral degree in the transformational opportunity in mothering. What can happen?

So rewriting the mother code came out of that because some key pieces that my research showed was that we're wired, just what we were talking about, right? I was wired and that wiring had unconscious fears that I didn't even know were going on. So our culture wires us, our childhoods, the way we were raised, good, bad, and different. It doesn't mean it's all bad. It's just this awareness, like the Matrix movie, right? We're programmed. And the more we tell the truth about how programmed we are, the more we can then make conscious choices and a vision for ourselves and really have

the mothering journey that we want, that matters to us, that's right for us. People might, even experts might say, that's not the right way to do it because there's plenty out there. It's really not like I'm trying to say, here's the code. It's more, let's find out what your code is and let's discover what the codes are and then rewrite them for you and what's going to work for you. Yeah. I love that. I was looking at your website this morning when I was just going back over everything. And I just wanted to point out, there was one thing that you said on there that I really liked. And you said, feminine energy is not just for women,

but instead something we all possess. It's the power to birth something new into this world, a product, an artwork, a company, the list goes on. And I was like, I just, I really liked that. And yeah. So do you want to just tell me a little more about, you know, just your take with the feminine energy and how you can put that into, you know, more than just mothering? Yeah, for sure. Because that was something that became bigger when I was doing my doctorate studies than I expected because I figured I would just be working with either women and gearing, Because I figured I would just be working with either women and gearing this study and what I hope to do for women that were either preparing for motherhood or to have a child and beyond.

I wasn't necessarily looking so much at all women. But in some work I was doing personally and in my own coaching, this concept was brought to my attention like, oh, well, all women mother. And I was like, well, yeah, that makes sense. Of course we do. And just what you described, we all conceive, create, give birth to ideas, relationships, careers, and everything. And yes, children. So it was something I brought into the study. I did a seminar and I studied the women in the seminar and these were all women who didn't have children yet. And that had so much grab for them. It's like, oh, I can live this mothering journey in so many ways. And I'm not just pigeonholed like a child is the only way I'm going to have this experience. Now, I'm not saying,

I mean, they're all unique experiences, right? Like having a child is a unique experience, but there's so much more commonality to it. And this mother energy that's so powerful in us, there's so many divine archetypes, you know, that exemplify it in every culture and in every manifestation, right? And create or destroy or nurture, you know, these aspects of mother that are so powerful. Like we don't have to just have a child to try and embody those, right? We have them within us and we want to bring them to everything. You know, we want to bring them to our relationships, to our careers, to something, a dream that we have. And when we do that, oh my gosh, you know, so, so much is possible. But the thing that I want to underline,

not but, and all of that to say the most important person we need to mother and the one that's generally the most neglected is ourselves. Yeah. So that kind of brings us back to the rewriting the mother code, right? Totally. Because that whole statement is not something that's, you know, commonly thought of in our culture or a possibility. something that's, you know, commonly thought of in our culture or a possibility. And it's, you know, but we're, we're, that's what we're working to bust open and, and provide for all of us, you know, so much more possibility on this journey. Yeah, for sure. Because I mean, there definitely is, you know, mom guilt is real and, you know, so many parents I feel are plagued with that, you know, attending to their own needs and whatnot.

It's just I feel every time, you know, I have to go out of town for an event or I have something. It's like I do always feel guilty, but I'm like, I do still have to work mainly. But, you know, you still have to have that aspect, I feel like, of living your own life to just still feel like yourself, because if you do just get completely lost into, you know, this new mom life, I feel like it could really kind of take a toll on some women's mental. And it is the hardest, scariest job in the world. I am terrified every single day. I when I'm alone with her, I'm like, oh, my God, please don't choke. Please don't this. Like, it's just like it's it's scary. I'm like, I'm an anxious person. I have been my whole life. And I'm like, should anxious people not have children? I'm like,

no. So many people are anxious out there. But do you have any tips for, you know, women out there who do have those type of fears, you know, surrounding motherhood and just always thinking something's going to happen. Yeah. Well, you know, we'll speak to you and this fear, right. That comes up. So it's kind of ever present there. And, and, you know, first of all, isn't it, it just makes me so mad. Like that we have a culture that thinks like, oh, I'm worried about my child. So there's something wrong with me. Right. And that we get so anxious about it, but it also means it also on the flip side shows how much you care and you care a lot and it's this precious little bean and it's a life. Right. And there's nothing else you've done that you have this much responsibility. It's yes, your, your career, you know, the work you do and,

and out there you can make mistakes, but they're, you know, they're, they're not generally like life. Someone's life usually isn't at stake, you know, for those. So looking at how do we, you know, look at or explore that guilt that comes up. So guilt happens because someone, something outside of us is, is programmed in there saying that we're doing something wrong, right? So we have guilt because there's a culture that says, I can't also enjoy my career and my life and love my child and provide everything that she needs, right? So that's where guilt comes from.

So we can name that, you know, and explore it. But then we can look at like this anxiousness around the fear I have of being with her. And this is where you get to explore yourself, right? Like, oh, like what, I've never had this, I've never felt this way. I've never felt quite this triggered by worry, you know, in this way, I've never felt quite this triggered by worry in this way. Where did that come from? And not in necessarily a bad way, but it's like, were there other times in my life that I worried like this? Or there's some gift of insight in that feeling,

especially when it's something that comes up consistently. I think that's one of the gifts that our children are for us is these little mirrors to stir up our unfinished business, right? The things that we have to work on and heal, right? So there's, there's something in that fear for you that she stirs up that might have a little bit to do with her and, you know, worried about her, but I have the feeling she's very well tended to and, you know, we don't have any major concerns about her daily safety. So then it just seems like I should just dismiss it. Like that's ridiculous. No, but there's something in you that is there and precious. And what's happening with little Shana? you know, and, and that, that can cover the gamut, but that

we can, that we can do something about that we can explore, you know, that we can dig into with support or a beautiful conversation with your husband, you know, any of that, like, gosh, like what's, what's going on here and let it be an opening to conversation versus just something I think I'm supposed to get over and, and, and fix. It's not going to be, it's not something that's just your mind's going to say like, stop it. It won't. There's no unlocking that needs to happen. Yeah. I know. I just, I feel like my deep rooted fear is like, I don't really have the ability to see into the future. Like I'm like, why don't I picture her going to high school? Like am I, I'm just so afraid something's going to happen before she gets there.

Or like, I'm like, what is it? Because it's just something deep rooted that I'm trying to work through. And when I got the offer for you to come on my podcast, I was like, okay, someone else, you know, has deep rooted fears of being a mother. obviously, that's not just me. I think it's something so relatable. So, yeah. Well, first of all, I just want to acknowledge and appreciate your vulnerability and sharing that, and just that that came up right there, right? Like, I'm afraid to picture in high school, because what if something happens, and I know you've talked about this and have shared very openly about your miscarriage, right? Sometimes just

a recent event like that can trigger that fear. You know, yes, she's here now, but who knows, can I really trust that she's going to be here until high school? And that's, you know, you can notice that. And then just like for having a bad dream, right? Like have the feeling, let yourself have the feelings about them and then picture, then just bust right through that and picture her in high school, like damn right. She's going to be in high school and college and beyond and give yourself those visions and pictures to help, you know, counteract this. Yeah. But I think that it just also is bringing up there's maybe some more mourning and healing to do around around your loss. You said the word trigger, which I wanted to ask you. I know one of the things that they

said for me to ask you about was about how to use them to your advantage to heal deeper. So can you expand a little more on like, you know, some tips to self-soothe through the chaos and identifying a trigger? Yeah. Well, you've just identified. I feel like I do know what my triggers are, but for those who sometimes, you know, like my husband and I, I'll just be upset. And then I'm like crying. He's like, what's wrong? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know why I'm feeling this way right now. So for those moments, what would you say are some ways and like some actions and steps you can take to identify the root? Yeah. Well, and you even mentioned the

word self-soothe, right? So when we, that heightened anxiousness come up, and it could be any one of our emotions, but we just feel it in that moment very strongly, what can we do in that moment? And then we can do more beyond that, right? So in that moment, I'll name a few different things. So one that's all neuroscience related and actually shown what happens in our body when we have a big trigger like that as cortisol is released and all these things happen and we have this fight, fright, freeze, all that, right? It has a 90 second cycle, all that, right? It has a 90 second cycle, right? So if I can close my eyes or I call them mommy timeouts, like if I have to leave the room, if we're saying this is something specifically in an interaction with our child, leave and allow 90 seconds of breathing, thinking about something, anything other than what was just

happening, that can soothe our system and soothe our nervous system such that we're not in our more primal part of our brain. And we can actually start thinking again and bring ourselves there. So that in the moment of, you know, really strong emotions and don't know what to do, like that's one idea. But then we want to take that and look at it, explore it further. You know, so we notice this pattern. There'll be certain things that your child does that stirs this up. You know, sometimes it's them wanting you a lot or, you know, maybe they're clingy to you or maybe they're standoffish. There's something, but they're not listening, right? There's often a trigger is like that just loss of control. Sometimes we have, we just want them to do what we want them to do. Where does that come up in my life? Where is the

deeper rooted history in this? It's always going to come back to some wound, upset experiences. And they don't have to be like one super profound. It could be the atmosphere that we were in growing up that maybe this is going to be more extreme, but maybe it was an alcoholic or a violent atmosphere. So we learned how to control that by keeping everything in control, right? So we'll just, we'll just, you know, we have Uber to-do lists and, you know, we just keep a very tight control in our life, but children aren't, they're not that, they're the antithesis of that, right? They're just free form and like, you know, and they're, that is going to trigger, right? Someone who's spent so much time carving their life to control that, you know, of course,

you know, that's going to stir stuff up. But then, you know, we can work on that with someone and that's our chance to heal. And then when we give our child, maybe when we were upset as a kid and we had upset, nobody came to us or nobody soothed us. So, you know, I'm going to give that to my child. Yeah. But we want to make sure when we're doing that, that we're also kind of imagining little us that when we're giving the things to our child that we didn't get, that we can picture our little self next to them. It's kind of almost a meditation type thing that we can do. So does

that help? Does that kind of go? Yeah. No, it's kind of concrete. Definitely. Some ways. Yeah. I wanted to also talk about reparenting ourselves so we can just always show up, you know, as the best version of ourself. And I've told my friends this to one of my girlfriends. Her son is four months now. And she told me she was getting a night nurse and she goes, please don't judge me. And I was like, first of all, I don't judge anyone who has help at all. I said, just because I didn't have a night nurse doesn't mean I'm going to judge you. I said, whatever you have to do to show up to be the best version of yourself for that baby. That's all that matters. If you can't breastfeed for longer, you can't at all. The kid's getting formula. The kid's fed. That's fine. I said,

you do whatever you have to do because you're going to know what's best for your kid. And she was just like, oh my God. She's like, I've just been like so nervous to tell people, you know, that I have a night nurse. And I'm like, no, if that's what you need, you know, then that's what you have to do. And I just think that's so important. I think more, you know, people need to know that you do still have to take care of yourself because if you're not happy and taking care of yourself, you're not going to be the best version to your child. A hundred percent. No. And what a gift you gave her to open that space up and free her from like, you know, thinking that she has to feel a certain way because of what other people are

going to think. But that goes back to the most important person we need to mother is ourselves. And, you know, I know it, it's kind of out there and, and we say it, the putting your oxygen mask on first and, and then your child's. Yeah. Right. But we know that as a concept, but we have all this wiring that tells us like, that that's not really true. Right. People are going to judge me or, you know, I'm not a good mom. Like a good mom would just do it all right. Like that. Yeah.

I mean, I feel that way sometimes, too, where I'm like, but I see these other women who do it. So it's not that I can't, but I maybe sometimes don't try because I do have the help. I have my mom. I have my husband. I'm very fortunate. But then I see these women who are just doing it on their own and men doing it just on their own. And I'm like, wait, you don't have anyone like I should.

And it's like just because they don't, everyone's story is different. And I think that's another thing that we do, too, is we compare ourselves. And it's the double. Like we shouldn't do it. But it's just so easy to do. And I did that recently where I'm like, okay, but if my friend can do this with her two kids and she has no help, then why do I feel like afraid to do it on my own? And are you afraid to do it on your own? Like, and that's because it is something to explore. Right. So, but go ahead. No, I do feel like when I'm home alone for too long, like an extended period of time, you know,

it's eight hours or whatever. It's not just, oh, my husband has to go to this for a few hours or my mom or whatever. But when it's a long period of time, I just get nervous. You know, what if something happens when I'm here by myself with her? What if this? What if that? And I have all these what ifs that I'm just like, oh my God, get out of my head. Like, you're fine. She's fine. I'm not going to feed her food. She's going to choke on when I'm home by myself. But I also have a life back in case, God forbid, I needed it. So I feel like I prepare for the worst, but always hope for the best. But I just I prepare for the worst, but always hope for the best. But I just have those thoughts in the back of my mind and just those fears of something might go wrong when I'm here by myself. And am I going to know what to do? Yeah. Well, and I think that's beautiful because first of all,

what we're saying is any choice we make is our choice and it's great and we don't have to is our choice and it's great and we don't have to justify it to anybody. So you choosing to spend whatever amount of time and then you're off doing your career, great. But when you bring up something like, and I'm afraid, right? When I have that long kind of point in time where the fear starts building, well, we don't want that to be the reason, right? That you're going off. We want, you know, to expand that. So if you did choose at some point, like, Hey, I'm going to spend a year, you know, doing it, you know, like the doing it all or whatever, what would I, what would I need to work on for myself? And I think you've, you've named this. And cause there's a couple of things. because you also, I think said this like early

on too, about, you know, just how in the moment, you know, our little ones are right there. They're just present moment all the time. And that can be, it's scary in and of itself. Right. So there might be something else. We don't, I'm not saying we have to dig into it now, but there might be something else. Your anxiety kind of goes to these external things like she's going to choke or die or something like that. But there could be even another layer under that of something that a fear that's getting stirred up for you. And I'm naming one possibility because it was one that was mine. Yeah. Which was, I have a hard time just being this in the moment for an extended period of time, you know, myself, you know, and I'm OK, you know, to like kind of take that in short spurts. And, you know, so I had to work on that. Yeah. And then did you feel guilty? Of course. Yeah, I felt guilty. Yeah, I felt guilty. But, you know, and as I worked on it and kind of explored, you know, the, the, what else was going on, I did start getting to a point where it's like, you know,

I'm just going to choose that this is, I'm doing what I think is best for me. And then I'm going to assume that it serves my children in some way. Right. That's a good point. You know, that I'm going to choose to say like, I'm also providing them a model of, you know, a mom, a woman who has a life, right. That really enjoys being with me, you know, with my child, but I also really enjoy my career. I enjoy my husband and I'm getting fulfilled in lots of ways because even though kids will kind of act like they should be your center of attention because that's their job, they want to get as much from you as they can. And then culture will tell you, you should be with them as much as you can. Like it's not the best thing for them, right? They need variety. They need to be with other people. They need to like explore and be in the world and you showing them that

that's safe and it's possible and it's okay, you know, to be out there and do that, that's giving them a huge gift. Yeah. That's so refreshing to hear you say that because I feel very similar in that way where my job, whether it's I'm having to do content one day, whether I'm having to film one day, I'm having to go to events. I am constantly doing emails. I'm multitasking. And so a lot of the time when I'm home, I'm like, oh, shoot, I need to go check that email. And then, oh, wait, I need to do this. And then, oh, my God, I didn't upload my vlog. And then, oh, shoot, I got to record a podcast ad. But then I'm like, OK, honey, let's do this. And then I'm like, oh, and it's like I feel

bad sometimes when I'm like, no, I just want to give her 100 percent of my attention. But I'm like, but I also have to work. So it's hard. And especially when, you know, a lot of work is from home with social media and stuff like that. So my husband said, we both need to be better about doing, you know, blocks of time where it's like, okay, right now I'm going to step out of the house. I'm going to go work. You have summer. And when I'm home alone with her, I'm feeling more confident and better that I'm like, okay, now I'm just I'm putting my phone down. If someone calls me, it's not going to be an emergency. I'm just going to focus 100 percent on her for, you know, these couple hours. And then, you know, when she goes down for her nap, I'm going to check my emails. I'm going to clean the kitchen.

I'm going to do all of this. And then when she's awake, you know, it's like trying to just balance out the home and work life and having blocks of quality time, blocks of we're both home. So, you know, he can be doing some emails while I'm feeding your lunch and vice versa. And I think that's starting to work well for us. Well, it sounds like it, right? And I think you keyed in on the most important aspect of that, which is the quality time, right? And there's times where it is nice to have like kind of a bigger space, you know, with anything that we're want to focus on, right? And our children are the same. So having some space, but that's not going to happen all the time. So just what you're saying, well, 10 minutes of my focus time is a gift. It's beautiful. And I'm going to set my phone down and all this stuff. And I'm mentioning a time because I think we don't think in those

small of increments, it has to be so much more. But 10 minutes of focus time a few times a day is great. It's so much. And I personally, because I still had my kids at home when I found this study, there was a study that was done a number of years ago about working moms, part-time moms, stay-at-home moms. And what did the kids think? Let's hear from the kids on this. And I was really kind of afraid to look at it. They're going to say it's the thing I'm not doing. And what came out of that study, it wasn't, there was no like one was better or other, you know, or that the kids like wish, like the key thing was like, was presence and how anxious are they when they're around me? Right. So, and I'm not saying that's like, you know, the easiest

thing to be with either, but it was a relief to know that any one of them works. But how am I taking care of myself? And then what can I do for myself so that when I do have those moments with my kids, I'm as present as possible? And I'm not this just constant, frantic, anxious, worried person all the time. They feel that the most of anything. anxious worried person all the time right they feel that the most yeah definitely and that's one thing my mom always tells me too is you know like if I'm stressed summer can feel that stress so I try to you know if I have to just go upstairs for a few record an ad do some emails I feel like because when I'm there with her and you know she just wants all my attention but I'm like shoot I have to respond to this like it's so hard when I'm trying to give her that attention while working at the same time so I feel like sometimes you know separating that you know you go here and you work for this block and then you come back and you have the quality time with her and I put my phone away and you know I'll I'll get to it when I get to it But I know there's nothing that pressing that I need to answer

in that period of time that I'm doing quality time with her. Yeah, no, I think that's beautiful. And another thing I want to underline is communicating with them and saying that like, wow, I'm really stressed right now. I, you know, I think I'll be more present with you if I go handle these couple of things. I'm going to set a timer and I'll be back in 10 minutes and we're going to, and then, and then we'll set a timer and we'll have 10 minutes together and like talking through what's going on with you. I don't mean like outlaying like every upset, you know, but also like pretending that we're not anxious doesn't work. You know,

we don't want that. You know, like, okay, honey, like we're good. And I'm thinking of these, these million things, but when we can, you know, tell ourselves and tell them, you know, here's, here's the plan. I just can't seem to like, you know, and this, and it might, this might not even be that important, but I am choosing, I'm going to choose to go do it right now. You know, I'll, I'll be back in this period of time and then come back, obviously. And, you know, that creates a huge amount of security for them also. Like, I'm leaving the room now. I'm going to go do this. But, you know, and having them be part of your life, right? They also don't have to be so distinct. And she doesn't have to understand every word you're saying. That's not even the point, right? Like that they have the language. It's your way of being. And they get that you're saying, that's not even the point, right? Like that they have the language, it's your way of being. And they get that you're sharing and communicating with them. Definitely. And I know

sometimes, you know, it can be frustrating, whether it's, you know, the child, the husband, the work. And so I wanted to ask you, what would you say, like, practice responding instead of reacting and some of the tips to overcoming, you know, whether it's mom rage or just letting difficult energy kind of move through you in a healthy way when you're triggered or overwhelmed, what would you say are some tips to overcome that? Yeah. So what I'll add to, I mean, we had the 92nd time out, right. And you can say that out loud too. It's like, I'm really upset about this. I'm going to go take a time. I'm going to take a time out myself. So, you know, saying that, but then we also want to start having a healthy relationship

with our emotions and being able to identify them as they come up is huge, right? So I always focus on five primary emotions, fear, hurt, anger, sadness, and joy. And in those moments, we're calling it rage, but it may have started way earlier on of annoyance, right? Or it started earlier in the day, your husband said something to you that hurt your feelings, but you just rode right over that, right? And then something happened at work that scared you. And now you're with your child and they do something that triggers, but you just rode right over that, right? And then something happened at work that scared you. And now you're with your child and they do something that triggers, but you have this

buildup of unexpressed emotions from your day. So that rage in that moment may or may not have something to do with... That level is rarely what's actually just happened in the moment when we look at it, honestly. And that's why we feel guilty after it's like, well, I don't know, you know, I shouldn't have been that angry at her, you know, for that. Well, you weren't, right. You had all this buildup of, of feelings, but it doesn't mean that in that moment, then, you know, identifying I'm, it, it, she could have done something that made you angry, but under that actually, maybe you were scared, you know, done something that made you angry, but under that actually, maybe you were scared, you know, about something that she did. So naming that,

whether it's out loud or to yourself, and in the moment, sometimes it isn't always, you know, the easiest, but that's what we want to work toward. Right. So that's something we can kind of practice all day because what we usually were triggered because we've let too much go by either. It's and sometimes it's a particular behavior with our kids. Like we've given them a pass, you know, that's annoyed us. You know, we told them no a couple of times, but then they still did it anyway. And then, you know, by the fifth time we just will lose it. Right. And the mom rage comes out. Well, it's because we didn't handle it back then. So how can we, you know, take it more seriously? This is where it's always inclusive, self-empowering, how that will allow women to not only feel their best, but also bring out their best. Yeah. Because ultimately,

you know, that creates a world that works for everyone. You know, we've been talking about it the whole podcast. So I love that we're kind of like summarizing, you know, or looking at that because, you know, starting with that expanded definition that, you know, mothering isn't just motherhood. It isn't just having children. That's this expanded definition encompasses and connects all of us as people, but as women, you know, particularly with, you know, our physiology and our wiring has this power to connect us and really empower ourselves and each other with the fact that we have this mother energy. And when we stop listening, kind of turn down the cultural and family wiring and start listening to ourselves and do that deep healing, we're doing the, the cultural and family wiring and start listening to ourselves and do that deep healing. We're doing the best thing we can do to mother ourselves. And then, you know, once we're taking full care of ourselves, like, oh my gosh, like the things that we can create, the things that, you know, the connections, the, the, the deep satisfaction we can have in what

we're doing, you know, ultimately being as present in the moment with whatever we're doing in that moment that it gives us that, right. And this expanded definition gives us ourselves really, you know, it gives us ourselves fully allows us, you know, to thrive in motherhood, not just kind of survive it or, you know, do it how we think other people are supposed to thrive Thrive, not just survive. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, I was just working with a woman right before this

and that's what she was saying. Like, I don't, I feel like I'm just like holding on. I'm like, I know so many of us do that, but you've already taken a step by saying you don't want, you want something else, right? You want more than that. And when we can give ourselves that permission to want more, because that breaks a lot of beliefs as it is. And, you know, even she was saying, as I started saying, like things about, you know,

a vision being totally focused on her and her self-care, she's like, oh, like that sounds selfish. You know, that's that I know my mother would not approve. Yeah. So I said, well, that's where the work starts, right? We get to identify that and definitely practicing something different. Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you so much for getting into some mommy shenanigans with me. Oh my God. It was so fun. I was so excited to have you on. So thank you. Please tell everyone where they can find you. Oh, okay. For sure. So on Instagram, I'm at Dr. Gertrude Lyons. And then my website is probably the other best place, which is www.drgertrudelyons.com. And that's Lyons with a Y and Dr. D-R. So D-R, you know, Gertrude Lyons.

Yes. Yeah. So I'd love to hear from people. And I obviously hope it shows that this work means a lot to me. And I definitely am just thrilled to be able to share it with your audience. Yes. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate everything you said.

That definitely helped me feel better. And I'm sure women all around. So thank you so much for being here. And thank you guys for listening. Bye. Thanks for listening to Shenanigans with Sheena Shea. Download new episodes every week on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.