Scheananigans with Scheana Shay - Two Cat Ladies Allergic to Their Cats w/ Violet Benson

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

This week, Scheana is joined in the studio by meme queen Violet Benson, creator of the popular @daddyissues_ platform and host of “Almost Adulting” podcast. Why did Violet have to use her EpiPen before coming to the studio (hint in title)? The inspiration behind Daddy Issues? How to heal generational trauma? What advice from Violet helped Scheana’s journey with forgiveness & setting better boundaries with others? Plus, Violet shares her pre-conceived notions of Scheana, and it gets…bitchy! Tune in to find out! Follow us: @scheana @scheananigans Guest: @violetbenson @daddyissues_ @almostadulting Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate lineat kiwico.com/HONEYIf you're 21 or older, head to Viiahemp.com and use the code GOODASGOLD to receive 15% off and get one free sample on any order.Discover new ways to shop for everything, every day, at Saks.comProduced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Before we get started today, I wanted to take a moment to thank all of my listeners for voting for Shenanigans. We won, I just found out this morning, the Signal Award Listener's Choice in the Pop Culture and Variety Podcast category. I am beyond honored. I'm humbled. I'm just so appreciative to everyone who tunes in every week, who watches on YouTube, who sends in their questions. And just thank you all for giving me this platform to do my dream job each week. Literally, I couldn't do this without all of you. So I just wanted to take a quick little moment before we start today's episode to say thank you because without you my listeners this would not

be possible I hope y'all enjoy today's episode and have a good as gold day because I know that's how I'm feeling. From Vanderpump Rules to motherhood and everywhere in between, it's time to catch up with Sheena Shea. This is Shenanigans. And now here's your host, Sheena Shea. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Shenanigans. Today, we have a fun guest who's a very funny lady. She's a stand-up comedian, TV host, fellow podcaster,

and per Vanity Fair, the Instagram meme queen. So we were just talking about whether you'd like to go by Violet or Violetta, but let's give it up for Violet Violetta Benson. Thank you. Yay. So you're in between names right now? Yeah, I think I'm having a small identity crisis because I do like Violet, but Violetta just makes me feel a different kind of way.

So I think it depends how I feel during the day, like today, because I was rushing here. I've read lipstick all over my hands. It was on my face, like just sneezing. And then I touched my eye and it was on my eye. I will go today. I will go by Violet. Violet.

It feels more appropriate. You got it. Yeah. And I was just saying there's amazing red lip stains. Shout out to my girl, Lala. She has a great matte red lip stain. So especially with the holidays coming up that's my go-to for like christmas fourth of july whenever you need a good matte red lip i'm going to buy it because i need one because right now all of my red lipsticks are what is it called when i'm wearing them not matt okay that yeah so i have that yeah no that

is the one problem with red lips. So I don't do them often. But other than the red lips, how are you? How are you feeling? I'm feeling all right. I've had a really stressful weekend, but okay, here's the silly thing. I live with my cat. That's not silly. I'm a cat lady. I have a cat and I'm highly allergic to cats so to be able to live with my cat I constantly have to be an incredibly and I'm not talking about just small allergies like I have epi pens I take allergy medicine every day it's really like this morning I had to use an epi pen on me oh my gosh so living with my cat means that I constantly have to be in incredibly good health because the minute if I'm stressed I don't deal

with my emotions because people don't realize how important dealing with your emotions are it affects ourselves physically yeah so the minute I don't deal with my emotions and I just continue to be stressed or I don't sleep well enough my immune system will drop and the minute my immune system drops and being around my cat who I'm highly allergic to, I will immediately break into some type of allergy, whether it's my lips and tongue swelling, which I would have to go to the emergency, or this morning it was more my eyes completely sunk into my face. It was just eczema and redness and just my eyes.

I have normally very big eyes. Right now my eyes are still 50 normally very big eyes. Right now, my eyes are still 50 percent of their size. Really? Your eyes look like bright eyed and bushy tailed. So maybe 60 percent of their size. Well, it's because I put my hair back to try to help. Yeah. But they're really sunken in from where it's near my nose. And that's why this morning I woke up and I'm like, I don't have time. I have so much work. I don't have time to really go to the hospital. So I took an EpiPen. I took Benadryl so that I'm like trying to work while not falling asleep. So that was my morning. But that's just a reminder. This is a good reminder for anyone listening, though, because my mom always taught

me if you don't take care of yourself and your mental health, your body will do it for you in the most inconvenient times. And today was just one of those lessons where I was not taking care of myself, my emotional self, and then my body was affected by it. Totally. I have to ask, did you get the cat and then find out you were allergic? Yeah. Because I grew up allergic to cats as well. I got cat scratch fever when I was seven. All of my lymph nodes swole up all over my body. It was insane. I was terrified of cats the rest of my life until I was about 24, I think. And I was around a cat. It scratched me. I swole up, but then it went away and nothing else happened. And I was like, oh, maybe I'm growing out of this allergy.

it went away and nothing else happened. And I was like, oh, maybe I'm growing out of this allergy. And then my sister wanted a cat a couple of years later. And so my mom got her a cat and I was OK. And now I have two cats. But if I pet them and touch my eyes after, I do still have certain allergies, but I've grown out of it. So I just want to manifest for you that eventually you'll grow out of this allergy and just adapt to the cat? This is better. When I first got my cat, I had to be in the hospital. I would end up in the hospital every other month. And obviously it sounds absurd when you people don't understand. Once you become attached to your cat, I feel like cat owners are just different. Once you get attached to your cat, you just can't let them go. And I thought at first to give her up because

every other month I had to be in the hospital for emergency and I they were putting on steroids so literally the steroids created I started to grow like the hutchback or whatever it's called oh my gosh yeah because too much steroids that's what happens for a whole year I was taking so much steroids because I was constantly in the emergency but now you know I've gotten so used to her that all I have, what? I have eczema under my eyes. I get allergies. Fine. I sometimes get allergy attacks, but I don't, not as bad as it used to be. So really, in hindsight, I'm so lucky.

I hope she knows how much you love her. Okay. So before we get into everything today that I want to talk to you about, I wanted to play a quick game if you're down. Yeah, I love games. Okay, so you have a podcast called Almost Adulting, which I know is super popular. I was listening to it all morning. And so I wanted to name off a few things that would be considered adulting, but I want to see your take on how they could be like reimagined to almost adulting. Okay.

So I'll give you an example. Like if I said getting engaged, you could give the response of giving your partner a ring on a string instead of an actual engagement ring. So that's like almost adulting. Basically times where I would end up in jail if that happened to me. Yeah, those. Perfect.

Okay. Getting married. Waking up too late and realizing that today is the day of your wedding and then smearing your red lipstick all over your white dress. Paying taxes. Paying taxes. Well, I'm an ex-accountant. So that's hard for me to think of how almost adulting.

Being an ex-accountant and still not filing your taxes last year, now knowing you're behind and knowing all the penalties that come with that because you're an ex-accountant and still sitting every day stressing that you need to pay your taxes now, since you're an ex-accountant and not doing it. I do want to get into that too, how you've transitioned into this world. What about having a baby? Having a baby? I mean, I don't know how you can almost adult with having a baby and you're keeping your cat alive while risking your own health every day

that's true I I don't have a good one for that having a baby not wanting to have one oh maybe like trying to keep your houseplants alive you know, having a baby, it's more of an accident. I was actually an accident. All Scorpios. You were a surprise. All Scorpios are actually Valentine's Day babies. That's why they're so angry all the time. No one wanted us to be here. See, I like to think of it as you were a surprise, not an accident.

It's just like, surprise, you're pregnant. Tell that to my dad. Yeah, that's what my mom says. She was 19 and pregnant. Surprise. Yeah, almost adulting. Yeah. Like you have to take care of it now. Yeah. Surprise. It wasn't planned. Yeah, it was unplanned. Yeah. What about changing the oil on your car? Changing the oil in my car? Oh, that happened to me one time where I wanted to get a discount. So I so I saved $50 by having someone change the oil in my car. And he did it in the wrong place.

And I almost died that day because he messed up my ignition. And my car started to go backwards all because I wanted... Well, I got off the freeway, thank God, for whatever reason. I was on the hill. So all to save $50, I almost died. Oh my gosh. Lesson learned. Years ago.

Ironing your clothes. Ironing my clothes. And then, I don't know, sitting in the sun or getting in the car and five minutes later, your clothes are super wrinkled again. Yeah. What I do, I just spray a little something on them and toss them in the dryer. And I'm like, that's ironing. Does that work? it usually gets most of the wrinkles out it's not as pressed but that's my version of almost adulting I put on really hot water in my shower and then I put on my dress

over in the shower and then it seems by itself yeah tips and tricks what about building up credit almost adulting building up credits. When I was younger and convinced my dad that he should give me a credit card so I can build up credit. And within the first month, he realized why he should have never done that. I love it. Drinking enough water each day. I literally have to write messages to myself where I have a to-do list. And in my list, it says, drink more water, you stupid bitch. And I still don't do it. See, here's my little trick for you.

I just got, it's a Ninja, the machine. It's a thirsty machine. It makes sparkling water. But they have so many different flavors. You can do the splash ones, which is just regular flavor. You can do hydrate and get your electrolytes. They have vitamins. So you get your B and C vitamins or they have the energy ones. And it's like 50 milligrams of caffeine per every 12 ounces. So you're getting your water while it tastes good. And then you, you know, for like a fun night out,

add some Smirnoff to it and you're hydrating while also having fun yeah i love are they sponsoring you um i do have deals with them yes but you're really good those are my tricks of staying hydrated i'm telling you this machine is amazing this podcast today is not sponsored by them i do post for them because it's something i legitimately use at home on my counter i think yesterday i maybe made seven cups of sparkling water, but I was like, now I need a little energy. Now I feel I needed some electrolytes. And so I hydrate.

You feel like a chef. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Even my daughter, she's two and a half. She'll go up to the machine and she'll just like pick what she wants. She's like, mommy, now I want you to have mango, but I want watermelon. Oh, I love that.

And it is a great way to almost adult stay hydrated, but still have fun. I love that. I can actually usually when I drink water, it's flavored. Yeah. So that is shout out to the Ninja Thirsty. Okay, I have a bunch of questions for you. But before we get into all of these, we're just gonna take a quick little break because that was not the ad break. Okay. All right. For all of my parents out there, I want to talk to you about KiwiCo. So as a kid, I loved being creative, drawing, painting, doing all of the fun things. But I felt like as I got older, I kind of lost that creative spark. But summer has fully brought that back. I swear, being able to see through your child or any child's eyes is so amazing. KiwiCo believes that every kid is naturally creative and curious, and that hands-on experiences build creative confidence and problem-solving skills

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Get 50% off your first month plus free shipping on any crate line at KiwiCo.com slash honey. That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O.com slash honey. Hey, Bestie. I'm Taylor. And I'm Morgan. We are the hosts of Creeps and Crimes Podcast. Every Thursday, Morgan takes us on a deep dive into a paranormal case or a conspiracy theory. And Taylor will bring you a detailed and accurate reporting on a true crime case. Since we launched in 2020, we have never missed a Thursday. With over 160 episodes ready for you to binge, you will never run out of cases. And you can follow along on Instagram at Creeps and Crimes podcast. Whether you're in the car or enjoying a glass of wine, podcast. Whether you're in the car or enjoying a glass of wine, tune in every Thursday to Creeps and Crimes. Okay, so for my audience that might not be familiar with you beyond sharing your memes

back and forth with their friends, because I mean, daddy issues is at what, like 5.6 million followers on Instagram. Congratulations. That's amazing to build an account, though, to get, you know, that many followers is incredible. So can you fill me in a little more on your story? Because as you mentioned, I know you were an accountant and now you're this Instagram meme queen. You've got a successful podcast. Thank you. Well, Daddy Issues is so cool. If I I recently have to write about certain things, that's for a future project so I've had to revisit that part of my life that's now next year will be 10 year anniversary of starting daddy issues but daddy issues for me wasn't just a meme account it a I don't know if

you can tell I sometimes have an accent so I'm Russian Israeli I know the two favorite countries I'm obsessed with loves the the most. So I was born in Russia when I was one to move to Israel and then when I was 14, won the green card lottery, moved to the US. I grew up pretty poor and I just continued doing what my father taught me, which is American dream. After school you get a nine to five and it's miserable, life sucks, but that's that's American American dream though like having a job and I have a degree in business law and another degree in accounting and a minor in economics everyone my family has masters so I'm actually the dumbest one technically because I don't have it

but I became an accountant and that was my dream I wanted to be a partner the women in my team were making my life miserable but don't pity me because obviously, what a blessing. You know, they really helped me go into the path I was meant to be on. I didn't have social media. And I actually just created daddy issues without even thinking twice. And it was just, I thought, wouldn't it be cool if I could just be funny? And if I could just post things and make me laugh and not worry about what I look like? Because I grew up being bullied for my looks being ugly because that's some birth defects and then

when I finally started to grow into my looks I was kind of bullied by my teammates for my looks that if I get on any projects is because now I'm kind of cute and I just never cared for that it was always really important for me just hard work and that that's how I created daddy issues was anonymous because I didn't believe in myself and I didn't think that I I literally sat down and I wrote a character and I wrote about her and she had a whole background who she was and her name was Violet my name's that's what my full name is Violetta and I gave her last name which is my current new last name I used to have a Jewish last last name her name last name was benson because her dad was british i just googled top most popular british last names it was like top five and i wrote about her and that was the only way i was able to even create i don't know

it's like it was just a meme account but it was also a blog behind it yeah and she was the coolest girl i could dream of she was this girl i felt so invisible. I was so depressed. I was constantly bullied every day. And I didn't complain to anyone, but I had no life and I would cry every single night. And then I created this account and I started writing about this girl. And it was just, I don't know how to explain, but it was giving me a will to live. And I started to immerse all of my energy into the account. And I put a lot of energy, like I started to do all this research on my co-co-competitors, let's say the fat Jewish back then fuck Jaron every night I would go through 100 of their 100 of their followers each and I would like two pictures on each follower and comment

something in order to start gaining those followers so every night I gave myself a task to do uh no I was on three separate accounts so So I would go through 300 accounts every single night just to gain those followers. Then I started doing strategy to understand what people like. So people don't realize, but the daddy issues, the followers of it literally created me because I didn't know who I was back then. And the only reason I could post it to feel cool was this girl.

And then they will comment, oh her I love this meme the most or I love her captions suddenly my captions become longer because I'm known on Vanity Fair it's not just a meme queen but I'm known for my captions but I wouldn't have been known for that unless the followers said that's what they like so everything I've always done has been for in a way for other people and she was always my alter ego until one day I became her. And now that I'm older and I have my podcast, which is more mental health, I felt as if I've outgrown daddy issues again. I mean, it will always be my baby.

I mean, I even have a trademark. But again, it's my alter ego because I'm so confident in myself. But I could have never gone to that point without the followers who felt like they could relate to me. And I think that's why it was so important to be anonymous because people saw me, they would have just felt that they can't relate to me because I was anonymous. And everyone out there all over the world assumed that I probably looked like them. And then they felt like they could relate to me because we all go through the same issues.

If we don't focus on what each one looks like. Wow, that's incredible. Thanks. What was it like finally unmasking, you know, who's behind this account? Was that scary, empowering? How did you feel when you said, you know, this is me? I think I got lucky in a sense that people at that time really cared on who was behind that account the way I went about things and it was

really scary and I remember I was for whatever reason first offended by the reactions because people were upset that I was as skinny as I was or as my looks and I remember the first day I was crying about it but then I'm like am I really upset that people are upset that I'm too pretty and too skinny? I was like, OK, I'll get over it. And I got over it. And I continue doing the same thing. Obviously, maybe I couldn't post as much of a brace of jokes like I used to because now people know what I look like. So then for my own safety with men, I didn't want to make jokes about drinking or sex.

And then someone think that if I go to a club that they can roofie me and I probably asked for it because of my jokes. Right. So it was more thinking like that. But I took another level where I felt more connected to my followers and I was able to create a whole brand behind it with my face and then my podcast. Yeah. So where did the name Daddy Issues come from and what is your relationship like with your parents I mean that what did your dad think my parents didn't know for a while obviously about that account um my it was inspired by my dad I did not grow up having a good relationship with my father we do have a good relationship now the crazy thing about daddy issues that not only that it helped me find myself, but it was the first time I found so much confident in myself that a lot of people who may not have a good relationship with one of

their parents, I think people who do have good relationships with their parents may never be able to understand or grasp how they're not just your parents. It's like a stranger if you don't have a good relationship with them. And for me, I didn't grow up with saying I love you with my understand or grasp how they're not just your parents it's like a stranger if you don't have a good relationship with them and for me I didn't grow up with saying I love you with my father we never hugged there was no touch in my family so that was very foreign to me so it wasn't until I was 24 that I hugged my dad for the first time and that I also started to learn how to say I love you but it was because of the followers of daddy issues that helped me find myself that eventually gave me the confidence to realize that I'm not scared anymore to be rejected by my father if I

say I love you to him because growing up I was always when I would see my friends do it I and they're like you don't hug your dad you don't say I love you and I'm like what if he's like ew don't touch me and that's the reality of a lot of children that grow up without, if that's not normal to you, it's, you know, it's foreign. It was foreign to me. I don't touch people. So eventually when I got older, I started studying about it more. I started learning about physical touch and how to express love in other ways that I'm not used to. I started learning different love languages. And I also learned to forgive my dad for things that he never asked for forgiveness. And I know that's very hard for a lot of people because I always think, well, my parents are the adults. They should ask for forgiveness. But it was kind of like, do I want to go the rest of my

life without having a good relationship with my father? And one day he's going to be gone. Or, yeah, it it sucks I was just a kid and it's not fair but life is not fair and what if I took the first step instead of waiting for someone else and what if I expressed love to him instead of waiting for him to finally express that love to me so I started showing him love in the way that I wanted to get it back and it started with phone calls where I would say and then a phone call would say I love you and it was just him hang up and I didn't take it personally then eventually he would stay on the line a little longer then he hang up then eventually he would start saying me too then

hang up and then one day he was like I wrote a poem for him on his birthday and he called me and left me a voicemail and the voicemail I said I love you and I was just like I know it was like the sweetest thing in the world I mean I think I get so touched by it like even thinking about it now and yeah I mean your parents don't know any better than you do I'm in my 30s right now and this is the age where my mother had two kids so how could I have expected her to know any better when I you know can't even figure out how to put on red lipstick. I feel that's like crazy emotionally mature of you to just understand that and also like exposure work to expose yourself to being rejected and being hurt over and over to get to where you are now.

So, well, people don't want to go through all this pain and people don't want to take the first step. But the reality is, is that you're never going to then. Yeah, you're going to protect yourself because you won't have to be vulnerable, but then you also will never get to feel and experience love. And really, no one teaches us more about love than people that don't love us. And if my dad wasn't going to reciprocate, then Elisa could have known I did my best and I tried. And that's fine. At least he knows how I feel.

And I got lucky that now we hug, we kiss, and I was able to break generational trauma. But sometimes, yeah, it's unfair, but it has to start with you. Yeah, that's amazing. I was listening to your episode this morning where you were talking about how you had recently booked a trip for your parents and sent them on one. And there were a few things that you were talking about how your dad made some comments about

like not feeling deserving of nice things, imposter syndrome, just, you know, flying business class, staying at the Four Seasons and all of that. And you brought up a really good point, how you were saying if you don't feel deserving or if you think others see you as out of place, then that basically becomes your reality. And when you said that, I was like, wow, you know, with your brain trying to prove a statement to be true, like, oh, this person looked at me weird. It's because I don't't belong here i want you to elaborate on that a little more and then you guys definitely go back and listen to her most recent episode because that was just a point that i thought was really cool how you put that in perspective thank you for saying that yeah um well it's basically the

is known as the car as the red car syndrome. And if you and I were having a conversation, I told you all I see are red Toyotas outside. And you say, that's so weird. I've never seen a red Toyota. And suddenly you will go outside and you will start to notice now a red Toyota one after the other. And it's not because there's some conspiracy and everyone decided to fuck with you. And now they all switch to red Toyotas. It's because your brain will try to prove that same thing to be correct that's how powerful our brains are and people don't realize it so if i feel like i'm unlovable and i don't deserve love

i will that subconsciously attract people who will validate how i feel about myself and i will date people who will validate how i feel about myself and I will date people who will validate how I feel about myself and I will pay attention to things that normally if I were happy I wouldn't pay attention meaning if someone didn't really smile at me or I thought were rude to me or whatever but if I woke up and I said today's going to be a beautiful day I'm happy then I will pay more attention to people who are smiling at me to people who are kind to me than someone that accidentally spilled a drink on me I'd be like like, well, don't worry about it. It's not personal. I know it's not a big deal, you know?

And then when you're kind to someone, then they're kind to someone else. It's a cycle. Totally. But it all starts, it's literally our reality. It all starts with how we feel about ourselves. And people don't believe it, but it's the truth. I never understand why people care so much

about what other people think. Like, that person's giving us a dirty look. And I'm like, who who are you to me like i don't give a shit cool you don't like me that's a you problem why do i have to fix that right you work on it yeah and we're gonna take another break while you guys all work on that okay so have you ever thought of mixing aphrodisiac herbs with THC? Because if not, you should. Maybe a fun parents night in, maybe just a fun night in, maybe a night out. I mean, wherever the wind takes you. I have the thing for you. Via Hemp Co. They are one of the leading brands in the hemp and CBD industry, and they have a ton of award-winning products, and they're known for their gummies. So every gummy by Viahempco is designed with this unique blend of cannabinoids. They empower you

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get one free sample on any order. That's via, V-I-I-A, hemp.com. Use code GOODISGOLD. This episode is brought to you by Saks.com. Okay, y'all, let me tell you, it is all happening at Saks.com. Shopping on their website has become my go-to for gifts for friends because they literally have something for everyone, even myself. Like when I have time to scroll for whether it's new wardrobe inspo or whatever, just to shop for myself, which doesn't happen all the time being a busy mom. But look, when it does, this is my spot. Their website is super easy to navigate. They have a massive selection of brands and designers like Adidas, Alexander McQueen, Alice and Olivia, Armani Beauty, and that's just naming a few of the ones that start with the letter A.

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at Saks.com for new ways to shop for everything every day. All right. So there are a few themes and topics that I've heard you talk about recently on Almost Adulting that I wanted to explore a bit further here. You mentioned forgiveness earlier, and you on a recent episode had spoke about how it's okay to forgive people, but still not have them in your life. And that forgiveness doesn't mean you're accepting them back into your life in the same capacity, but recognizing that they have something going on inside themselves and extending grace their way. This, if you watch Vanderpump Rules, this is something I struggle with. I'm actively struggling with, so it did hit really close to home for me. What could you say to people who also struggle with forgiveness and accepting that it doesn't have to go back to the way it was? Yeah, I think I think when people hear

something like that, they assume that it means today you have to forgive when in reality or because people categorize all these emotions that we feel if it's not happiness and it's a negative or a bad feeling when in reality is just a feeling just like happiness is a feeling everything else and feelings are like waves in the ocean it's constantly up and down up and down that's normal if you were 10 out of 10 happy every day there was something wrong with you honestly because that's not normal actually like you are about to be you should be on suicide watch because that's not normal so when you're feeling emotions you should listen to them is your body communicating with you that

something's wrong and you need to allow yourself to give that space so of course when someone wrongs me that day i'm not going to be like i'm going to forgive them because i'm no i hate them and trust me i'm a scorpio i think about I think about every single thing they did, what they said. I start imagining the scenario of how I talk back to them, everything I'm going to do. And then every day I stalk them and I'm just like, just wait till I come after you. And I'm like, I'm in it for the long haul. I won't forget what you did. And then eventually I realized that I'm filling my heart with so much hate that it leaves no room for any love.

And not only that, they don't give a shit. Like when someone hurts you most of the time, you're not going to get the apology you're looking for. Because just the way they dismissed you and hurt you, they most likely just don't give a shit. They're going on with their life feeling happy. And here you are every day harboring this hate so who's in the end really suffering you because they don't give a shit you think if you tell them people always think well if i told them how i mean they made me feel then they would care they don't because then if they cared they wouldn't have done it if they cared they would have already apologized they don't care because their reality

completely is completely different than yours. They don't look at you as probably the victim in their story because that wouldn't fit their agenda. Because then it's kind of like when someone breaks your heart and then every time they see you, you feel like they're rude to you. They ignore you and you never understand that. And you think, but how can you hate me when you're the one that broke my heart? The reality is, is because every time I look at you, then I have to be reminded that i'm a bad person and that makes me feel bad about myself

so i'm gonna avoid you and that's really what's happening it's that person protecting themselves because they don't want to grow as a person cool but how about you grow as a person so when i tell people you have to forgive someone it just means in your heart you have to accept that this person sucks that you may never know what's going on in your head because I don't know. Like you can't, you can only guess, but you will never know. And that's okay. You have to accept that someone hurt you. And then you have to allow yourself to move on that. Hopefully I learned my lesson. And that's what I mean when I say you have, you are allowed to forgive people, but it doesn't mean they have to come back into your life so you can keep them at a distance or you can say like I had a friend that we had a friendship breakup and

she crossed the line and when she was crossing the line the text I said if you continue this would be the end of us and I'm I'm very stern and friendship stuff I wish it was like that relationships I'm way more emotional but I said if you you're about to cross the line if you do that there's no coming back and she crossed the line and said okay we're done and then she tried to reach out all that i didn't give a shit about it and first i was bitter and then i got over it because one weekend i went out and i saw some friends and they had a lot of bad things to say about her they like oh i grew up with her she sucks she's this and this and if i were younger i would have loved it because i'm like great let's get into it this is validating my feelings that she's a bad person it's not me but now that I'm older and I'm trying to be a better person

it wasn't going to benefit me to talk badly about someone I'm already that I used to have love for so if anything it made me feel bad for that person because I said wow so she was always kind of a shitty person so how can I expected her to be any better she's hasn't learned she hasn't grown as a person I actually feel sorry for her so I didn't add into the shit talking and I remember I went home that night and I texted her because before that she was blocked and I texted her and I said hey listen I was thinking about you over the weekend I know you've been trying to reach out. And I want you to know that everything that happened between us, I forgive you. But we will never be friends again. But I want you to know that I forgive you because I don't want you to continue reaching

out feeling bad about yourself for it. We're good. I will always have love for you. And I don't want me to be the reason that's holding you back from your journey on bettering yourself. So I just want you to know you can release me. We're good. Yeah.

And I felt better about it. And hopefully maybe it helped if it didn't. I don't know. But I think, look, we're not always going to be able to be this mature. But eventually it just helps you because you release people and then you can just it's it takes off so much weight off your chest and you just feel so much more free yeah no that's a very good point and thank you for that I feel like I needed to hear that I'm glad yeah there was another one that I liked

selfish versus selfless that you had a discussion on this topic recently about how people who benefit the most from your lack of boundaries will be the ones most upset when you implement boundaries. And also a thing in my life in the last year and a half, I've been trying to be better about boundaries. And I feel like that's something I'm still struggling with. So I'm like, damn, this podcast, like I know you do different episodes on like Tuesdays and Thursdays and whatnot but there's so many things that you discuss that I feel like are just things that a lot of people need to hear you have given me so many compliments today and thank you for making me feel seen by the way I really appreciate it's so entertaining to listen to you so how many

episodes you put out a week? Is it just the two? Okay. And the different themes in them. I know you have like the Benson knows best. Yeah. But I love that because I mean, everything you're saying right now, I mean, you do give great advice. You have great perspective. You've lived a life that, you know, I think a lot of people don't. And so for you to start where you were at, you know, with your family, come over here, have a normal job, go to college, but then transition into this is just really incredible to be able to do that. Not a lot of people get to. Really nice. Thank you. Yeah. So the selfish, I have a really hard time setting boundaries with people.

It's weird. I go from, I'm so extreme because I lack social cues. So I go from saying things that apparently I'm not supposed to, that offend people, to not knowing when to speak up. So constantly, actually, people will cross my boundaries because I don't want to be rude. Like the other day, my friend wanted to do a sleepover and she was sleeping in my house and she was vaping in my bed. And I have this really weird thing against cigarettes because it has to do with my birth defect and being bullied with people. Growing up, people thought I smoked cigarettes, so never touch a cigarette. But like it's so personal to me and I should have been able to say something instead of just looking or

feeling mortified. But I didn't speak up. And then I talked about it to my therapist and he had to validate to let me know that that was okay to actually say, hey, maybe don't vape in my bed. And it seems like such a silly boundary, but I constantly let people cross my boundaries until no more. So I'm just as not good at that either. But I will say that when you finally do put your foot down and

you start thinking of yourself first and you set boundaries, that the people who would get upset by your boundaries the most, especially the reasonable boundaries, are the people who benefit the most from you not having any. So if your boundaries are, let's say, work-wise, after 8 p.m., do not, I will not be responding to work emails. And now on the weekends, I decided, at least on Sundays, don't call me into work. And then your boss is not listening and still reaching out. That's your boss crossing boundaries. So yeah. Or with friends, if you're saying, I can't respond to your text messages 75,000 times and you call me about your boyfriend on and off for the last 10 years it's not good for

mental health and your friend's not listening to you then they're crossing your boundaries because they don't give a shit about your friendship that's the truth yeah it's because it benefits them it's if it's not good for your mental health why are you doing it yeah do you watch Vanderpump Rules yeah I used to watch it all the time now I well it's not on right now no it'll be back soon but so you see that I'm a people pleaser person who gets walked over and is not the best with boundaries I mean for so long yeah yeah that's definitely you would you say you had any preconceived notions of me prior to meeting me and if so have they changed um in any way? Well, you know what?

I had, okay, I think a long time ago, maybe my notion of you would have been that you're much bitchier. Interesting. Then obviously you're a people pleaser and all that. But I didn't know, I thought your personality would be a lot more loud and overpowering since you've grown more as a person but to be honest after recently having Katie come on my podcast and do an interview with her seeing how she was completely nothing like what I thought she would be in my

head that kind of gave me a reality check where you're like duh people whoever you see on tv are not this because i thought katie was gonna be overpowering like very bitchy yeah and she was so vulnerable so open and me and the producer both were like whoa i i didn't even know how to act because i thought we're gonna banter off and she was just so open. So I love when people surprise you. Yeah, and that's what I think the great thing is too about podcasting and just having a platform where we're able to express more because it is a show that has an ensemble cast and you can only see so much of a person.

And also you're a mother now. And I think being a mother really changes you. And you just seem so grounded and so down to earth. And you seem like a very kind and good person. And I mean, I wouldn't have done this podcast or even consider having you come on my podcast, which obviously will happen soon. So it's, yeah. I mean, you're exactly what I thought you would be.

Well, thank you. What do the next five to 10 years look like for Violet or Violetta? I think I will probably most likely move into writing, whether it's nonfiction books to fiction books, and then it will probably move to fiction children books. That's the goal. I'm really into writing so

that'll be coming up but except that I hope that there's a lot of happiness in my life and I recently when I was talking to my mom I was like I wish I could just know like where I'm at in five years and she said why why why can you just and then you'll be happy why can you just be happy now I was like you're right so i i don't really like to think about where i will be five to ten years i mean i could be dead i shouldn't say that now they're gonna do documentary on me and that's exactly what's happening i think the same way so i can completely relate to that so i wanted to see what your answer would be because i'm like i don't know where i'm gonna be in a year year. Like I'm like five to 10 years, I could be dead.

And then it's like the black and white screen. If only she knew. Are you can you say are you dating right now? No. Are you interested in dating right now? Not really. I should. I know it's something I should be into.

But no, I'm literally has not crossed my mind. But normally when I date, I don't care where people have different definitions for pick me girls or whatever. I will be the first to tell you I become such a quote unquote pick me girl. When I date, I love love. One time I dated someone and I was talking about in one of my podcasts. I dated someone and I was so just into the idea of love that the guy started to ghost me. And for a whole week, I didn't even know he was ghosting me because I was just so into that idea of the love. And I was like, can't wait to see you. See you soon. Just thinking of you today for a whole week. Why isn't he responding? No. And I was like, just going back to work. And it took me a week to realize like, oh, shit, I'm being ghosted. Yeah, because that's how much I used to be so more into the idea of people and the idea of love now I've been learning more about myself trying to be a best version of myself if someone comes along sure but lately I have been home a lot so obviously

if he broke into my house he's probably wouldn't be my boyfriend he'd be my stalker so that's not someone I should aspire to date no but yeah I don't at this point I have no idea of what's my type yeah it can be anyone and it's LA so it's tough it's anywhere in the world feels like it's tough now yeah I feel like there's something about it here that is so true 100% like at this point I'm just I'm just genuinely not I don't know the last person I liked was this girl that kind of looked like me. And then I was like, am I into you? Because I'm just looking at you and I'm like, would I look cute in that outfit? Because you kind of look like me. And I'm like,

because I almost bought that outfit. Or like, am I into you? Because I like you. And like, I don't know, like at this point, I'm just figuring it out. Yeah. What would you say your love language is? My love language now, as I'm older, has changed because I don't know if you know this, but some people say that your love language as an adult is whatever you didn't get as a child. Interesting. So my love language now is words of affirmation and touch, which are two things I didn't really grow up with that I always wanted. Yeah. What about you? Mine's words of affirmation and touch, which are two things I didn't really grow up with that I always wanted. Yeah. What about you? Mine's words of affirmation. So now I need to think back to my childhood. What's number two? Quality time. That's sweet. But I do feel like I had that because I was an only child. So I feel like I had a lot of quality time, but my definite top one is words of affirmation. Yeah. You're so beautiful. Oh, thank you so much.

As are you. I feel like I could go on and ask you a million more questions, but I feel like we're just going to have to do this again. I agree. Yes. Well, thank you so much. Please tell everyone where they can find you, even though we've already mentioned it a ton.

You guys can find me from my meme account at daddyissues underscore or my podcast, Almost Adulting, up everywhere. And it's on tuesdays and thursdays and yeah that's all thank you so much for having me thanks for being here and thanks for listening guys bye bye sheena shea shea fk thanks for listening to shenanigans with sheena shea download new episodes every week on apple podcasts spotify or wherever you get your podcasts New episodes every week on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.